Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Jordan Jensen "Call Me Lady Jumbo" | Whiskey Ginger

Episode Date: June 5, 2026

Welcome to Whiskey Ginger, a Wave Series. Presented by FanDuel Predicts. Jordan Jensen stops by Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino to talk about her debut Netflix special "Take Me With You," life on the road touring with Tom Segura, winning NY's Funniest Stand-Up at the NY Comedy Festival, her BUS-TED UP national headline tour, co-hosting "Bein' Ian with Jordan," and her unconventional upbringing that fuels all of it. 🥃 NEW EPISODES EVERY FRIDAY 🎙️ Follow Jordan Jensen: Instagram: @jordanjensenlolstop Podcast: Bein' Ian with Jordan Website: jordanjensencomedy.com Netflix Special: "Take Me With You" — streaming now 📲 Follow Whiskey Ginger & Andrew Santino: Instagram: @whiskeygingerpodcast Instagram: @cheetosantino Podcast: Available on Spotify, Apple Podcasts & all streaming services 🕐 Timestamps: 00:00 – Intro 03:17 – Jordan's 67 Joke 09:50 – Jordan's weird name friend comedians. 14:23 – The sweet spot is 30 31:48 – Jordan is such a babe 🤣 41:31 – When Gingers see Gingers in public 64:35 - Dumb people discuss biology #WhiskeyGinger #AndrewSantino #JordanJensen ========================================== This episode is sponsored by: FANDUEL PREDICTS Introducing EVERY GOAL PAYS! HEAD TO ⁠https://fanduel.com TO GET STARTED! SQUARESPACE USE PROMO CODE: WHISKEY GET 10% OFF YOUR ORDER https://squarespace.com/whiskey SHADYRAYS PROMO CODE: GINGER  GET 50% OFF 2+ PAIRS OF POLARIZED SHADES https://shadyrays.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome back to Whiskey Ginger, a Wave series, presented by FanDul Predix. Hey, Whisk Ginge fans, I'm out in San Diego, Del Mar, June 28th at the sound. June 28th down there in San Diego, dude. Come out and see me. Andrew Santino.com for those tickets, Andrew Santino.com. In here, we pour whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk. You were that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger.

Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Ginger's are pugil. You only $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Ginger's, oh, hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger, I like gingers. Lady Jumbo. Wow.

What? Lady Jumbo? Is that what you're going to call me now? Is Lady Jumbo? Lady Jumbo. Ladies Jinnoblo, and welcome, welcome, welcome. Welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. My guest is one of my favorite people on Earth.

I say that's my guest, my name is once again. Today Jumbo. Lady Jumbo. Jordan Jensen. Lady Jumbo. Oh, I want just the cookie dough from the inside of the ice cream. You do seem like somebody who was, yeah, you did that. I do, do that.

My pregnant friend called me and was like, hey, Jordan, I love you so much. We do have an issue. And I was like, what? And she was like, all the cookie dough has been removed from the ice cream. And somebody packed it down. So now it just looks like vanilla. And I was like, you got a bad bad. That's the only good part of cookie dough ice cream is that.

I don't even like the ice cream that much. In fact, I'm on a big gelato kick. I'm on a little. little fat boy jolato kick right now. Every day? Oh my God, dude. I mean it every other day. Now I got restricted. I'm on a trout. I'm on a trout. Steelhead trout. Sorry for scratching

when I said trout. Itching your pits? I mean a lot of lately, been in a lot of smoke trout. Itchy because I have, look at how many hairs I have. We just grow it out. That's how much I can grow it out. That's it? Isn't that devastating? Yeah, you're not hair. You don't have no hair on your arms. Is this laser? No. And these are tattoos.

on it all went to my head. You should see my pew here. It looks like Louis. Your pubes look like Louis's head is so funny. It's bald but a bush right underneath. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It has a neck beard. Like between your butt and your gooch, is that really hairy? No, I think that's pretty pure. It's very sparse. It's just sparse. Do you get... No, no, no. You don't ever get waxed?

Maybe once a year, just for fun. Because I like it on my butthole because it makes it on my butthole, because it makes me think that it pulls all of the poop that's ever been there off. It does forever. You know what I mean? It's like you never pooped ever again. Don't you think like that? We don't do that, do we?

Exfoliates all the way. The dog is hitting the camera. The first time she was here, she chewed a cord and there was a buzz the whole time. Remember that? Oh, yeah, she did chew right through the mic cord. Yeah. Chew that one. Is that shot bad now because the pup?

It's not a big deal. Is that shot bad now? You did nothing wrong. Coyote, come here. Coyote, you did nothing wrong. Come on. Brilliant. How old is this dog now?

She's like two and a half. She fucking rips, dude. She's a, she's that young? Yeah, she's just a baby. She's got a weird limp for a two-year-old. No? It's a weird back, back-left-leg limp. No, no limp. Have you ever had to take this dog to the vet?

It's called swag. It's swag. Of course. That's her beaver walk? Yeah, it is. She got that stank leg. Stop, dude. What are you going to do a six-seven joke now you do?

Yeah. I do have a six-seven joke. Here, go it. Okay. It's about how we fucked the Gen Ziers. like we fucked them over because they had to make up a whole new language because we were like if you say that you're racist that you're transphobic that you're bigot that you're non binary non non binary anti binary and they were like okay what about six seven and we're like you're good you're like those are lucky that's good for now but if we find out that's good that's good that's good you're like six nine okay six seven you're safe six seven could be good until we find out that was like hitler's favorite number we're like can't say that anymore yeah yeah we did but we got fucked over by baby booners so it's like we're passing the buck to the next generation baby boomers ruined our lives Why? Well, they made it in pot.

First of all, they started every single war we've ever seen in our entire life. Don't do this, man with giant house and beautiful wife. Then. Don't do this. Then, then, then, then, then, they gave us racism. Because we are... They gave us racism? Dude, we're all racist. You're racist. How old are you?

I'm a hundred percent racist. Yeah. How old are you? 34. 30. 30. 30. 30. I'm telling you, they, like, made us racist. What do you talk

How did they make us racist? They raised us in that way My parents were not right My parents are like this You didn't throw rocks At Asian kids in your neighborhood No We all did that

We didn't have them in our neighborhood They were allowed My mom does this My mom's a liberal lesbian So when my black friends are around When my black friends around She'll go like this Hey you're black

That's what she does Every time And they're like yes yes Sue I am black And they're like How's that black Black. It's crazy. It's crazy. No, my parents are very good people. They're not racist. But they do say stuff. You go, hey, come on, come on. What are you doing?

They do, come on. What are you doing? What are you doing? No, I think I, my parents say a video online and be like, why do they do that? You're like, all right. I think, settle down. Have you ever met somebody who you're like, wow, you're actually not racist? Actually not racist? Yeah. I think everybody's a little racist. I don't think, I think it's impossible. to not be. Every color is race. Every color has another racial discrimination towards another color. It's like a categorical thing. So long as you're categorizing, you're

going to have a little racism in there. Yeah, like whoever I'm at someone who's not racist? That's a good question. No, I probably not. Like you're like this. Like it's like when you meet somebody who's actually buy, have you ever experienced that? This I don't believe him. I know. It's weird. When you actually meet somebody and they're like, they're kind of unhinged. They always need like clinical help.

But they exist. Well, your buddy No, Ian is not by. Ian is not buy. What do you mean? Doesn't he chew on wiener sometimes? If it is strapped to a, if it is a, if it is a woman's penis, he will suck on it. That's not by? No, that's a woman. That's a, that's a trans woman, a, a k.a. woman. But I mean, he's not by. He might fuck it. He might want to be held like, held by a man and fuck a dude, but he's not doing enough to constitute being by. There's no way. You gotta, like, put a number you have to hit? Yeah, you got to put down numbers we buy. You go to the buy meeting? None of this dabbling. He's not going to cut it. Yeah.

You gotta have way more than three dicks to be in our group. He might be kind of by, though, but he's a sex addict. We're both sex addicts. On what scale of your straight am I number-wise? That's a great question. What percentage of straight-am-I? I can imagine you doing a sick amount of drugs and having like a- Charlie Sheen in it?

No, not Charlie Sheen, more of like a hairy-styles guy. Be like, come on, dude, what are we doing? And you're like, stop, dude, you're silly. You're silly. And he's like, no, you're fucking silly, dude. We're going to make out. We're going to have fun. I can imagine that.

But just kiss, that's it. Wieners are weird. I can't do that. You don't have to see a wiener. Butthole. Okay. Chill. He's a babe.

Harry's a bigger babe. Harry's a mega babe. I get that. All right, so 98%. 2% slide? You're like out of 10. You're probably 7. There are dudes who are straight.

Like I'm a straight dude You are straight guy I'm a straight guy dude I suck You know what I mean You're the straightest bro I am Yeah I'm a straight guy I knew you were a straight bro

Tonight that we had at that show We did in Toronto Yeah I knew you're a straight bro Why You were talking about a dude that night Yeah And you were

You sounded like a straight bro Yeah You were all bullied up by it Yeah You let it get to your head Oh every time You gotta let it go man You were really in pain

Was I? Yeah, I was a good reminder. Weirdo straight guy. Yeah, I know. I'm like, imagine hooking up with me and you think I'm going to be this bro who's like,

you know, and then I'm like, do you remember what my middle name is? Coyote, you're the best. She is the best. Well, you know what's so fun about a dog of this size? Let me guess.

14 and a half pounds? No, she's actually a pretty sturdy like 18. That's not an 18. Pick it up. Full of shit. Literally. You got a poop, coy.

No, she's dense, dude. She's like a mini healer. That's too much. She's a tank. No, the doctor said she's great. But you can hide her right under a seat on an airplane when you fly here. Yeah. No one even knows the dog is on the plane.

Oh, no one knows. Isn't that cool? No one knows. Do you give her anything? No. She's been doing six weeks old. We give our dog stuff sometimes so she'll sleep. Then she'll sleep the whole flight.

She just did a whole bus to her. She rips. She did that. She liked the bus? No, she doesn't like the bus. But she did it. Nobody likes a bus. You didn't like the bus.

The bus almost killed me. The bus was like, I did 22 shows in two weeks in order to pay for bus because I'm not big enough to have bus. Bus is so expensive. Bus is so much money. You say the word bus. You're like, that ought to be cheap. You're like, no, it's not a city bus.

No. It's a nice bus. It's a 40,000, like a week bus or something. It's crazy how expensive those are. And was your driver cool? Yeah, well, yeah. Come on. Well, I fucked up because there was a guy,

there was an Indian guy in the bus. And we... Wahapa Wahapa There was an Indian guy driving the bus? Your little giggle I just was ready for it

There was an Indian guy driving No You just bought You bought the bus With an Indian guy attached He's like Plus I will come with the bus man

We gotta get that guy In the bus There was my friend Herschel Shooklaw who's a great comedian Time out What's with you And the weird name friend comedian

What else do you got The last one you had was... John Kennedy? Oh, love John Kennedy. No, wasn't it you with... Jake? You know Renan Hershberger? Yeah, you know Renan Hershberg?

Yeah, that... But it wasn't an opener. He's like... No, no, no, but I'm saying you were hanging with Ren... You just have... Those are... That's a lot of name. Yeah.

What's... Renan Hershber... I surround myself with eclectic people. And what was this one's new name? Herschel Shoe Claw. Get it real, dude. This is like from a children's novel. Well, it is something like

Harser... You know what I mean? It's something more. Harshal Shukla. Yeah, it's something more. And what happened with Herschel Shukla? Whatever. We just kept doing this bit where we were pretending to be Herschel's dad and we'd be like, you stupid bassard guy fucking bitch, you stupid bitch. And then the driver was getting off the bus one night.

And she was like, good night, you guys. And I said, good night, you stupid bitch. But I wasn't saying it at her. I was saying it at somebody else. But then for the whole trip, she thought that I called her a stupid bitch. And then I tried texting me like, hey, I didn't call you a stupid bitch. I know it sounded like it, but I was just. You had a female bus driver?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Let me tell you. She was hitting the rumble strips. Hitting the rumble strips. In the middle of the night. Yeah. Dude, we almost died.

We almost died. Yeah. What was the name of our guy? Iron man. Brother, one night I got up to pee in the dead, dead middle of the night. We are in the middle of the Midwest, which is the worst roads. Country roads out there in the Midwest, just like, and it's really windy out in the Midwest.

Yeah, it's rocky. So I wake up to piss because I just can't sleep. And my body's like anxious. And I get up. there and I hear like it's muffled and I'm like what the fuck is going who is that so I go out to the main area and I can tell it's Ironman and I get in closer and closer and closer I'm like hey dude hey and I hear right he's like yelling at someone and it's getting clearer and clearer and clear and clear I slowly open his curtain to the front cabin and he's double headphones done oh no

on a call with his wife on the headset he's like I you fuck fucking bitch. Losing it. And it's like 3.30 in the morning. Losing it on this girl. And I'm standing there going, hey, dude, hey, I'm trying to get his attention, so he'll chill the fuck out.

But you don't want him to veer off. No, so I don't want to scare him. So eventually, he doesn't do anything. So I just slowly close the curtain as he's, you fucking, well, that's going to be fucking next week, you bitch. And I just close it. You're behind him, just like.

Like a child seeing his parents in a fight. And I slowly went back into the bed. But that night was one of the worst. nights because we all woke up because we went off the road a little bit and he was like, oh yeah, sorry about that I'm at. He freaked me the fuck out. Multiple times I was like, this guy will crash

this bus. Our lady was great but there was the rumble strip, but sometimes he hit the rumble strip. I mean, it's a big bus, right? I think that's normal. Is that normal? No, it's because they're nodding off because it's 4.30 in the morning. Come on. The bus is crazy. I should have taken more stops. It was psychotic. You can't shit on the bus, which I didn't know, and then I ate something

weird, weird. And I was pissing shit out my ass. And then And so every time I pissed because I'm a woman on tour, okay? Ever heard of it? A woman on tour. So then I would pee, ever heard of it? And shit would come out of my ass because you pee and shit comes out of your ass if you're piss and shit. You know what I mean?

Yeah, sometimes, yeah. No, not you people. No. But when I'm sitting down, splayed, pushing piss out of my pussy, shit comes out of my butt. This episode is brought to you by... My saskwash soap. My saskwash soap. Yes, you can't poop on the bus.

Bobby pooped on the bus within the first week. How long? It was like a week and a half. How's Bobby's doing with, is his skin all hanging off his bones? He's not as skinny as you think he's going to be. But he got skinned here. That OZemic face is getting skinny on people.

He doesn't have a bad OZempe face. That's good. People are getting it. Are you on OZempe? What? Sorry. Was I fat to start? No.

Are you on OZempeg? No. You should be. Bad ass. She needs to get on OZempe. No, she's perfect. I'm 200 pounds. I've been 200 pounds for so long.

It's not about that. It's about staying the weight you are on it. You've seen skinny people on it. Skinny people are on it. But I think it's going to come. We were talking about this today. You can't be doing it. Because Kreischer was on it.

I was with him today. And he's like, I lost 50 pounds or whatever. And I'm like, but then when you get off, then what? Well, that's how I feel about Prozac. Then when you get off, then what? That should be the slogan. Prozac. When you get off, then what?

Yeah. Should stay on it. Yeah. Because then what happens? How many times have you switched? I don't switch. I'm not a switcher. I switched when I was like 10.

I was on fucking running through all of them. What about dose levels? Like this? I've got it figured out. They want you to take 20 or 40, but what they don't tell you is the sweet spot is 30. That means you've got to order tens and take three of them. And then I increase it a little bit before my period.

Does my vagina go numb? Yeah. Yeah. That's pretty cool. Yeah, you got to bring it up a little bit. You got to be your own pharmacist. Not you guys, but once you've been doing this since you were like 10. You have a hool goes numb?

Yeah. What, really? What happened there? No, he was. Go ahead. went completely numb, right? And I was like, I'm not gonna come. So stop trying this, right?

And then I was like, unless maybe you tried saying, I hate you. And he was like, I'm not gonna say, I hate you. And I was like, I don't even know if I'm gonna come if you say, I hate you. And then he goes, I hate you and I... Immediately can. Just as much as you've ever seen. Isn't that crazy?

He's like, he threw me through a wall. Yeah, isn't that crazy? Completely numb to complete come. Just kind of tied. Right? I hate you. Have you said that to a one before in bed? is a move. I hate you? I fucking hate you.

No, I never done that. Try it. But it always freaked me out the whole like choke me. No, choking sucks. Sting, stinging, choky, no breathy sucks, but I hate you rules. Chokey's scary. Yeah. Chokey's scary, dude. Punchy? No. What about like? Smacky. Smacky. But like both smacky. No, but smacky can get stinging and I don't like stinging.

See, I don't mind stinging. Really? Smack me. Yeah. Girl says choke me. me no thank you I say you choke me no you can't have that you have to go both ways no no you have to just you choky choky you don't look no don't don't do that to the dog see how real it looks not even it's scary don't she loves it look her that's what you do to a woman look I'm never gonna hurt her on that coyote you don't like that these her eyes are close see she's scary oh she's going Chinese she goes coyote look how much she loves that she's like oh she likes it she she sleeps aware on your bed at your feet right here like in my nook

Really? Under the Cubs? Yeah. Wow. Our dog doesn't do that. My dog is really... She'll nuzzle until you let her in. My dog is remarkably independent.

She says good night to us, and then she's like, I'm out, and she goes underneath the bed. Oh, that's so nice. She loves underneath the bed. Oh, she's little. She's about that side, a little bit bigger. Yeah. But then she gets up in the morning, 5 a.m. every day, because I go to pee. She gets up and she gets on the bench at the foot of the bed.

puts her backpack and she's there yeah well sometimes she's reading sometimes she's online and she's there until I wake up again and I take her downstairs

how about those human eye dogs you've seen those around huh uh the like they're like golden golden doodles I don't know if they're doodles but they have human ass eyes and they have whites around the eyes

and the other day coyote was fucking one and it was like looking around like this it looked like it was looking for its owner like Sharon it was like that ew let me see yeah what the fuck is that

human. You see what I'm saying? That's a... That's a I. That's a I. I was running up to that dog and hitting it in the chest and be like, are you man or dog or are you dog or man or you dog in man? Are you a dog stuck as a man? That's AI. No, dude.

That's a dog's eyes. Yeah. You don't... In New York, there's so many dogs. You only have... You got a lot of dogs here? We have so many... LA's filled with dogs.

But you have like little fruppy dogs. You don't have weirdo dogs. Oh, no. This place has the most weirdo dogs. Really? We have... I would say we probably have the most stray dogs of any city in the United States. It is true.

While I've been in Bray and Oxnard, I've just had her off leash. They go, get her on leash, and I go, she's stray. And then she's strayed. San Antonio. The most stray dogs? Oh, yeah. Shout out to San Antonio.

River Walk. I love the River Walk. It's so great there. I love it. I just talked about how much I like that city again. They have the most, LA's got to have the most. We have the most shelter dogs. I'm sure we have the most dogs

have been picked up off the street and put in a shelter. No, Brooklyn has the most three-legged dogs. Hands down. I don't know about that, too. Hands down. Most shelter dogs. Most shelter dogs say it's L. please baby you're not in Brooklyn aren't you in

are you yeah of course look at the hole in my shirt I was just gonna say you stink like Brooklyn yeah I do stink no you don't smell I stink do you yeah I'd be stinking late you live in the same place that I went over to that wasn't your house no you're not allowed I'm in my house why no one can come into your house this is this is my house I swear to God with a bathroom I got three cities what is it we want to guess New Orleans

Okay stray dogs yeah and these are in America. I know, this is shelter dogs. Shelter. Which city is the most shelter dogs? They picked them off the street and they're in the shelter. Pick them off the street? Well, that's what shelter dogs typically get picked up.

Oh, Dallas. San Francisco. Miami. Wait, no, it's definitely Texas. There's going to be three cities. So you guys both have three guesses. San Francisco, Miami, and New Orleans.

Okay, my turn. You're not guessing. L.A. Well, you already said no to L.A., I thought. No, I didn't say no to any of them. Dallas? Oh, I thought you waived no. Dallas?

What's... Houston. San Diego. No. That's pretty good. Yeah, you already guessed it. Okay. And I guess L.A.

L.A. is one of mine. I get four. It's my show. And what's another city in Texas? Austin. Houston, San Antonio. Amarillo? No.

Big one. Dallas Fort Worth. Frisco. Frisco. No, I'm gonna go with, I'm gonna go with Houston. Los Angeles, San Antonio, Dallas. Yes, we are a mixture of correct. But you were mostly right.

But L.A., I knew L.A. was up in there. She's from Dallas. What's up, Bittie? Amarillo. Amarillo by morning. Wait, what were the answers? George Strait. LA, Dallas and San Antonio.

In San Antonio. What city do you hate? Go. Fast. Don't think. I'll, um, what's the one that is... Give it. It's drunk in Wisconsin. Madison?

No, wasted. So drunk. Milwaukee? All of them? Appleton. Oh, yeah. Appleton? Yeah.

Why, do you go up there and you eat shit? I got, I got, a woman ran at the stage to try and attack me multiple times in that place. Really? Yeah. Why? What are you saying? Wild shit? Well, this one bitch she was like with her, there, you know, I crowd worked and found out that she

wanted to be with that guy. He didn't want to be with her. And then I was talking about daddy. issues and I was like you probably have daddy issues because you've been talking all night and she and she got weird and I was like are you weird is it really weird is it like molestation weird and then she got up crying ran to the bathroom sobbing like in the bathroom and I was like hey man she's not she's fine she just is crying because she wants you to go in there correct and like fix it kiss her yeah fix it and he was like I'm not going in there I'm watching the show I hate that

bitch and I was like you don't hate that bitch go in there help the show she's like wailing she can hear it the mics are in the bathroom yeah they can hear it and then she came out she had heard it and she just stormed the stage and then some fat bitch, like, clothesline during the work there. Whoa. Yeah, it was pretty sick. But it's too drunk. I hate alcohol.

I hate boozers. I hate when people get wasted. You hate sloppy drunks. I hate sloppy drunks. Because you've been around me when I've been had a couple of boozers. I'm not bad. No, you get more friendly. You don't get sloppy.

Yeah. Yeah. I'll only get sloppy if I cross-fay. If I smoke a duber after I've had a couple pops, bad news bears, then I'm sloppy. Nothing bad. It's just, I don't. I just don't like women when they're drunk. They're too touchy.

They're too, men get, when they're too. Men get, when they're too, get like spewy and the spits coming out foamy mouth boys I hate foamy mouth I don't like when people have it in the corners and they're drunk I got to go hey man I got to go we were just at an event just now who was this girl was hammered I can't say who it was and boy boy oh boy I mean can you say something that would trigger the hood is to me no I saw a woman on drugs and she kept doing this we I've never seen anything like this in my life she'd be like that was a really great show

It was crazy. She'd be like, I mean, I really enjoyed it. That's what it was. It would tell me it would go up. Oh, gross. I have a video of it. It was crazy. Yeah, you're doing it.

Yeah, she would have. And I'd go like this. I love you. And I go, oh, oh, every time, because it scared me so much. And she'd be like, I just really like the part at the end where you talked about Perry. And I'd be like, why are you doing that every time? Every time you're doing that. And then I turned in my friend who was selling my merch was crying, laughing.

And she was like, I've never seen anything like that. Maybe she was flirting with you. No, it was drugged. How many chicks hit on you? Oh my God, dude. Every chick. It's so awful. And it scares me because they're so handsy.

Men are like this. They're like, can I have sex with you? And I go, no. And they go, oh, okay. Women are like, I will not take them for an answer. I'm going to climb into your backpack. I'm going to peer later in your hotel as I unzip and I'm wearing your face. Jordan.

It's so scary. Although I did have a guy that saying. He was like, you know what you got to know. You do that thing where you put your hair out like this. Sebastian was there? You know what you got to? He was like, put your hair up like this so we can see your neck. You look hot like that.

And I got so mad at him. I was like, do you think I'm trying to look on? Do you think I'm trying to look at? Why do people do that, though? It was crazy. But women get crazy. Or it's like a toothless woman who's like 900 pounds. And she goes, you and they're the same, girl.

You and me are the exact same. I'm like, you, I'm a woman in a man's industry. And I'm like, what are you doing? She's like, I'm a truck driver. I'm like, yeah, it's not the same. Okay, this is not the same. You know this woman's listening to this and she's such a big fan. You're breaking her heart right now.

There's so many of them. There's so many. That's a generalization. That's happened a hundred times. In here, we pour whiskey. Go la la la la la la la la la la la la la la the biggest stage in world soccer is here and every goal changes everything. Welcome to the World Cup. And now Fanduil has given you a reason to root for every single one.

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So go check it out, mess around, see what you can create using their design tools or go rogue and do your own thing. But squarespace.com slash whiskey. Use the offer code whiskey, 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain and showcase your skills, abilities, offerings with Squarespace. Ginger. I like genders. Out of all these women that come hit on you after the show.

who got the closest. Yeah. Last night, two nights ago. Brea? Oxnard. Little fucking short girl, adorable bangs, right? Skinny, tiny. She's a little farm girl, tan, tiny, skinny tiny, perfect butt.

And she was like, you guys should just like come to the farm. And I was like, I'm not going to come to the farm. And she was doing a thing, if they get it where they almost trick me into like, I'm full man, then I can almost be like all right I'll go hurt your feelings you know what I mean but then later she sent us a video of her squirting a cow's utter milk all in her face and I was like even I see that's incredibly

even I can see that's incredibly and then she smiled at the camera and the milk was like coming down and it was like I was like wow I was like to my opener I was like you have to you have to go report and do it but that was the closest wait did you open her go over there? No yeah also that woman could get a listeria that's really dangerous don't do stuff like that

Oh, it's RFK. Well, if you suck on a cow's hunter, technically it's actually not that bad. Is the camera picking this home? It's got, I hope. I mean, is the camera picking? But we got it also with the wires. She's snoozing?

Just a cutie pie. Well, we're chatting away. Just a cutie pie. No kids. We're not doing the kids. You're actually going to have a kid. You're actually going to have a kid. I had a dream yesterday.

I was thinking about this episode, and I had a dream you came to the show and you were pregnant. Did you really? Mm-hmm. Do you think I'd have a boy or girl? There's no doubt in my mind that you would have a girl. Really?

Yeah, because it would bum me out. It would bum me out. I know. I'd be devastated. A boy, you'd be like, rock and roll! Yeah. A girl, you're like, fuck! What do I do with it?

That's why I chose her of all the puppies I wanted a boy, and then I was like, you know what? You hate yourself because you're a girl, and there's a scrappy little adorable girl there. She's beating up all the other puppies. She's basically a boy. You take that. That's a boy. That's a boy dog.

Yeah, I know. What would you name? What would you name the girl if you have a little? Skillet? It's my daughter's skillet. What was the name of your truck driver? Iron man. Yeah.

Iron man. Yeah. Would you even know his real name? I'm sure we did at one point, but he just told us to call him Iron Man and that kind of stuck more. And he had Coke bottle glasses. You know the ones where they're like... Oh, hell yeah. Josh Potter.

It's a JP. But you do not want that guy driving your truck. He looked like Mr. Magoo. I don't think that's legal. Oh, we got an illegal driver for sure. This man, he had lost his license for. four or five times. What do you do?

What's your schedule? Every weekend? Oh, I'm done right now. I'm not doing a damn thing. I told you before this on. I hate stand up. Stand up stinks, fart, poop. I'm just doing a couple of shows

for fun to work a new hour. What do you think about this? Five days on, nine days off. You like that? What are you, a nurse? Oh, that's like a firefighter. Yeah. Here's what I think.

Yeah. I think you just select a season and tour your tits off and then not. I think you're right. Like just, Select a season. I hit the fall.

Then I get so bad at stand-up, dude. When I'm, like, keeping at it, I get... You get great. But who cares? What's it for? Nobody gives a shit. It's true. It is true.

It is true. It is true. Stand-up sucks. I lose my sense of purpose. I don't have an established... Oh. Yeah. Oh, it's going to get worse.

Yeah, does it? Oh, my God, dude. I'm lost. When you don't do it? Period. I'm lost, period. I've no idea what the fuck I'm doing all the time. Yeah.

When I'm up there having the most fun of my life, it's the most fun. everything else is like well this is chit i don't like this at all what are we gonna do i don't know i don't know man i don't know we're gonna keep touring and having fun i want to put together a tour next year all right we're gonna do tours tight tours keep it tight here's what i would prefer yeah tv i liked what bert was doing like where it's like a bunch of comics on getting together and doing a thing i like that because that's at least a party yeah yeah but like when you're solo it's just you and your opener. Sometimes you have two

if you're lucky. Yeah. You know, and then you're like, this is just another night doing another gig. I want to mix it up and make it more fun. So I would love to do dual headlining stuff. That's why Bob and I toured for a year. It was so much fun. That is so fun. Share the stage, fuck off, goof, have fun, improv. That is fun. It's hard to get up there

every night, especially if you're doing, you're not doing clubs, though, so whatever, you're not doing like six shows in one city. Yeah. Although, just did it, but... Those are fun. Takes you back. It takes you back. I'm just starting to do theaters. I mean, I've done, thanks.

I'm just doing a theater tour for the first time. I mean, I've done theaters, but. It's pretty cool. Yeah, I just. You're proud? I like selling out, and I'm worried I'm going to be pushing the fucking shit. So what? Yeah.

Also, that's another thing that we talked about today. Who fucking cares? The people that pay the tickets come see you, they care. That's it. Other than that, I don't give a shit. I cannot freak out about the selling out thing. I have so many friends that walk themselves right off a cliff about it. I'm like, dude, it doesn't.

You cannot think about it. You cannot think about it. You never heard. Dave Attell go, I'm not selling out. The real comics don't ever give a shit. You'll do as well as you're supposed to do, and then it doesn't matter.

I had to do a show in front of Bilber and Davidel at the same time. Whoa. Sitting in a chair watching the other night. And I got so nervous that I took a shit, like a sloppy shit, because I was nervous. Right before you went on. And then somebody knocked on the door.

And I got really nervous, and I prematurely wiped and I smeared a lot of poop on me. Jesus Christ, dude, you're a babe. You are a straight guy. You are a straight. Bro. You're straight bro. I'm not a bro.

I'm quite sensitive. You can be. I'm just disgusting. That's the problem. I'm a woman in every way. If you break up with me, I cry and I call you a lot. You have to block me. I have meltdowns if you don't give me the right Valentine's Day's gift.

And I shit. What do you want for Valentine's Day? What's the right gift that a man can give you? I fucker this up. I've never gotten my wife a good gift ever. I never it's impossible I don't know what you give you do you ask do you ask what do you want

yeah but she's not a needy person dude she doesn't want for shit he knows she doesn't want for shit she's not like give me this she'll be like you know what she'll say she'll say some shit like oh you know it be kind of cool I saw this like piece of art or something cool for the house like she'd be like oh I saw this

cool thing I really there's a sculpture she really likes like that but it's not like a thoughtful I don't know how to do the thoughtful gift Do a jewelry. A jury. Do a jewelry and trade a Jewish bride.

What is a jury? A dowry? A dowry. Go do a jewelry? Do a jewelry? Do a jewelry. A dowry. A jewelry.

Get her jewelry. Do a jewelry. Yes, you want my wife. It's going to cost you. That's what I'm trying to say. I knew that if I just stared at you and said the word enough, you would do the impression that I was looking for. You keep doing it.

A dowry, right? A dowry? Jewry is a noun. Oh, it is? It means Jewish people collectively. Jewry. Oh, a club. Jewry. But get her a jewelry.

I brought you these guys. Hey, how you guys? Wait, I can do it. Wait, I can do it. But not, you don't like jewelry. You don't even wear any jewelry. I got these. That's good.

Those are from Clares. That's not. No, these are, you can get her something like this. That's cool. But just an earring? Who gives you? a shit. Yeah, that's the problem. If you have a cool wife, she doesn't want

diamonds because that's gay. No, she would never wear any of that shit. If I was like, hey, here's a diamond thing. She'd be like, why'd you buy me that? Get her fucking cool, chunky shit. Yo, babe. I brought you some chunky shit. Thanks, babe. Okay, this is a really good question. What do you get a woman for Valentine's? It's

impossible. Massage? Okay, I've done this. I have done a massage package. Math house? Math house? Math house? I'm so tired. Bathhouse. Who's at the math house? Math.

Oh, the Asians? Yeah. Close the door. We're in here. They're doing math in there. Don't go in there. It's nuts. Just naked Asians doing math?

The math house? A bath house. At the bath house. All right, no, I've done the massage thing. I actually did do that. I got to give. But here was the other thing. In LA, you have so many fancy, fluffy things.

You could do her freaking... You say that, but what is it? Chinese crystal. Oh, we're not doing ayahuasca. Salt bar. They have stuff. What's the one where it's Yeah, sound bath?

Sound bath, yeah. Yeah. She doesn't really fuck with that. I mean, like, I've gotten her gift certificate things for like... What about a fancy dinner together? With a dress that you pick out in her size.

You're so gay. That's cool. That's funny. I'm trying to think of things that I would like... I should get her... No, she'd get her a dress that's way too big. Yeah.

Just way too big. Yeah. God, dude, you're swimming in this fucking time. Yeah, that's good. That's good. So, that's really good. Yeah. What do I want for Valentine's Day is something for my dog?

No, I don't like anything. Movies. I like the other movies. See what I mean? No, it's so hard to get a girl a gift. You got to get... Framed Keanu Reeves. Frame Keanu Reeves.

That's a hit for you? But not Keanu Reeves, just Keanu. I want them from Matrix. And I want the Japanese Matrix theatrical release poster. You don't like new Keanu? I love Keanu, but that's what I want. But that old Keanu speed is the one you like. No, no, specifically Neo, specifically from the Matrix.

Only Matrix. Matrix is like my... You think that's when he was at his peak hottest? Like sex-wise? I just, I mean, Keanu Reeves is a person to me, but Neo specifically is a sex icon for me. It's like the epitome of what I would like. Yeah, he was so babelicious.

God damn. But wasn't he super hot also in... Speed? No, Speed he was kind of cool. Constantine? Also Bill and Ted. He wasn't hot in Bill and Teddy. He was cool.

He was cool. Yeah. What's the other one I'm thinking of it that he was really hot in? Surfing one? Point break. Yeah. So hot. So hot.

Oh, also, you know what he's very endearingly cute in? Is airheads? No, that's Brendan Fraser. That's not Keanu. Remember the movie. What's the movie of Brendan Fraser? Monkey Bone. Oh.

What? Monkey Bone. Let that, let that bring people back. Do you know and even know what monkey bone? That's going to crack open. and a bad feeling for a lot of people. Monkey bone. It looks vaguely familiar.

You're way too young. Show it to Santina. 2001. I was a kid though when this came out. He was a kid. Yeah, this movie. When I bring this movie up, there's like six people in the room

that we'll just be like, it's a bad feeling. Oh yeah. I do, yeah, so sad. Yeah. Sometimes you miss. Didn't that guy get molested? Brennan Frazier?

Did he? Was he as fat? Was he fat wearing fats for the whale? He was wearing a fatten. Fats are for the whale. But he did get pretty big, he said. He was still. pretty big. He is still pretty big. No, I think he lost a lot of weight, right? He slum down a bit,

but he's... Majaro? Which one are you on, fatso? I'm on the trout. I'm on just a lot of trout. So much trout. What's your deal with trout? Why are you eating so much trout? Dude, I just have ADHD, which means I get fixated on a food and then that's all he eats. Trial's the one you like the most, right? Smoke trout? No, it's the only one I know how to cook. I don't know how to cook. But if you should put steelhead trout in the air friar, the fat goes into the thing. You're an air friar girl. Yeah, I can't use the stove. I get a OCD about the stove. I think I put the dog on the stove. You're an airfriar guy.

I'm an airfire guy. It speaks volumes about you guys. What are we doing? It's perfect every time. It's perfect every time. But it just speaks volumes about you guys. Yeah. There's a certain kind of person that's like airfriars.

It's like Winnebago. We're Winnebagoes that have become people. Yep. Yeah. Yeah. You know when someone like lives in a trailer park but it's permanent. Yeah. Yeah.

The wheels are off. The wheels are off. They've built a little vents around it. Do you remember those homes? What were those called? Mobile homes. Immobile homes. But there was no wheels.

And they had an above ground pool. Did you ever fuck with those? I used to love above a ground pool. Yeah, because you could run in a circle and make a whirlpool. Remember that? Very true. You'd run and run and lift your feet up and...

Above ground pools are exactly why so many people from my youth generation have almost broken their necks because they drunk dive into those things. And they think like, I know how to surface dive, dude. And they go straight down when they're hammered. And they go, and they hit their face. And luckily it's soft because it's grass underneath there.

I had two black eyes from that. Above ground pool and BB Gun Kid. BB gun stuck in the eye kid, same guy. Same guy. Baby gun stuck in the eyebrow that he could move around. Also, piece of pencil in arm. You're like, Jake, why do you have pencil? He's like stab me and it just never came out.

It's a huge piece of pencil just in his arm. Why is that? Because when we're, a boys are young, you just want to like hurt your best friend. Girls don't want to do that. It's also like- We want to hurt them emotionally. We call them fat and ugly and stupid. Yeah, you guys are, you guys are emotional bullies. You ruin someone.

Let's pretend we're a couple. I don't want to be with you anymore. Let's play house. Get out, bitch. Let's play house. I wish I never married you and I'm gonna fuck the hot neighbor. And you're like, why are we playing this game? Why are we doing this?

Boys need to physically hurt other boys to feel like you're really good friends. I think you get too excited. You love him so much. Well, that is. It's also squish you kill you. It's that same thing with animals. Yeah. My best friend, Sean, when we were kids, he was claustrophobic.

So I would deliberately like smother him with a blanket and cover it and hold him down until he's screaming. That's my worst nightmare. It's so mean. To me and I kicked him through the blanket and like almost broke his jaw. I would do the same all the time. And he'd be like, It's so mean. It's so scary.

But it's your best friend. I knew a kid. What was the... There was some kid that would... Oh, no, it was Jake. It was Jake. Jake Velasquez, best friend opener. They would do the typewriter

where they would go like this on your chest really hard. Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. And then they go, ting, and slap you across the face. While one kid held the arms. That's the all time. Tick, tick, tick, tick. Really hard on your chest. You know how this feels weird?

Yeah. And then they, ching. That's kind of a cool move. That's really good. That I like. I like. I know. Or, or, well, for us, our generation, I don't know, kids aren't really doing this now, but pantsing.

A lot of people don't pants anymore. I don't think kids pants. We pants my friend Kristen at a music festival like a year ago. Ball tap, that was a big one. Ball tap, but that gets old. Remember the kid that would moon a lot? Remember the over, oh. He still does it.

I do still moon a lot. You remember the over-mooner? Do you know how many times I've mooned out of the back of a bus at that back-to-the-door cars? I used to love mooning out of school buses. Yeah. I used to love it. Why wasn't always the ginger palest ass you've ever seen? Because that's the funniest butt.

If you have a nice butt, mooning isn't funny. Then it's a little creepy. If you have a funny butt, then it's okay. It's disarming. Yeah. Thank you. When Bobby dances around naked, it's disarming. When I moon, it's funny, pale, whoa, white butt.

Funny. If it's like a sexy butt, someone's like, what are you doing? Yeah. It's gross. It's like a little, it's like you're a little creepy. Yeah, yeah. A weird little skinny butt is scary, yeah. Skinny butts are gross.

Yeah, that's really gross. Little skinny butts are weird and gross. It's got to be a white. It has to be a ginger's ass. It's got to be a ginger ass, dude. Every time. It's so funny, I had a ginger server the other day, and they come up, and they're always like a little,

when I interact with the ginger in public, there's always a moment where they go, what's up, man? And I want to be like, we're not going to do that, man. Is that true? I don't want to, we're not going to have a connection. They try and connect? Yeah. I think they think, you know, because we're alone.

Are you sure that he wasn't doing his job and being like, what's up, man? What can I get you? No, there's like a beat that they change. There's like a thing that changed. Do it in an actual. Or if you're me, you're a redhead. Okay. I'm about to sit down.

Hey, I'm Clark. I'm going to take your order. What's up, man? Oh my God. See? Wow. Yeah. I know when they do it.

I can feel it in my bones. They try to do like a black glove. They do it. Yes, they think it's like a black dude. Like I'll have a black guy. I would be like, what's up? If he sees another cool black guy at a party where it's a lot of whites. Oh, no, he's doing it like game-C-game and it's not game.

Ginger's do it a lot. And Ginger women, if I see a Ginger woman, we will deliberately. Sorry for grimacing. Oh. We make sure. Like if I'm at a bar and there's a group of people and there's like a stranger ginger girl in the group that I'm with with it. You know, like we're not, we don't know anybody. And she's near.

We'll make this fit. I'll look at her and do this. Why? Get away. You have to flee? Because you could be inbreeding? No, something's happening. It's toxic when we get too close.

You know what? It's like it's like two magnets. Like the ions, it's just like the exact thing. Are you disgusted, frankly? I don't want to be near them. Get out of here, ginger person. I don't like it. Why?

Because it's... See, what's that feeling? I don't like it. I don't know what it is, but they... Because all gingers think they're superior to the other gingers. I gotcha. So I see that one and I go, not like you.

Oh. So you're kind of like... You're like, you're a dork. You're a Renaissance ginger dork, right? You're a fucking Jack White-loving retard dork. I'm a cool, I golf. I golf and I have friends. Even dork here.

Don't even look here. No, no, I say this. I see this ginge and I go, you look like all the rest of them, don't you? I'm a brown-eyed ginge. I'm different than you. Blue-eyed jingies. When I see them, I go, get the fuck out of here.

Because... I don't like the light-eye ones. Do you think it's because they're miladies? Because that's why I don't like them. Because they're what? Melaides. What's Melaides? They're like, top of the marnon.

You know what I mean? You're like, my lady, can I get the seat for you? Top of the morning, man, man, lady. Or if they're a woman, they're like, they want to be wearing a corset, but they won't admit it. They won't admit it. Yeah. They, they like want their boobs pushed together and to put like a little feather between them. Here's the problem. Most of us, the high majority of my people, are not attractive people.

So if there's two of us in the same room, it's like a, it feels like a goof. It feels like we're about to do a show. Oh, yes. The clowns are here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like, like, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, oh, totally. Yeah, you guys are going to do a little leprecon dance. It's nerve racket.

Yeah, totally. Yeah, like, we're going to do a bit for you. They're like, ooh, I bet this is a- Oh, this is like me when another masculine woman walks in. And I'm like, all right, I'm not going to do this. We're not doing this. We're not doing this. See?

I'm out. You stay. You stay. Yes, it's like you recognize you in someone and you go, I'm not, I don't want to be anywhere near that person. Yeah, I get that. They freak me out. I don't like them. It's self-hatred.

Yeah, it's because we hate ourselves. Yeah. But isn't that natural and normal? I think so. You know when you meet someone super cop? Who's someone you know that really loves them? You know this new like self-love thing on the other? Roby Hoffman?

Huh? What did you say? What did you say? I did a whole podcast with Robbie Hoffman where we're like debating whether or not it's okay to love yourself. Oh my God. And I was like, Robbie, you're Kanye. You get me? The bit about you, her not knowing who you are?

No, she truly did not know who I was. Shut the fuck up. Dude, nobody believes us. I saw it happen. I saw her really not know. This is a bit. I'm a comedian. We're comedians.

I would like to get, Robbie, I believe you. I believe women or whatever the fuck you are. I don't know who you are. Are you guys cool now? Yeah, yeah. I love Robbie. I actually love Robbie. I love talking to them.

But you had a debate about whether or not it's okay to be self-love. Well, Robbie is like Kanye, where Robbie's like, I'm the greatest comedian that's ever been. And I'm like, you're not allowed to say that. People are going to find you and kick you out. And I'm like, you can't say that. It's illegal. No, no. You can't say anything good about yourself ever.

No, you should think you suck. Yeah. That's how I feel. Thinking your good is dangerous. I think it's dangerous. I also think it's, yeah, it means one. It means you've like hit some sort of cap. That's what I think about it.

Big time. But I think for Robbie, Robbie's like, we've done a lot of stuff. We should be happy for ourselves. We should congratulate ourselves. You could do that, but do that in private. Deep private. Do that by your, literally by, you. You know what? Do that to your dog.

Yeah. You go, we made it. We did a good job. We did a good job. Yeah. Give me the number one song you sang to the dog. I don't practice cheeby-weeby. I ain't got no little cheeby.

I had a little. Sublime sues. Hey, we heard that song you did. Every song is me just saying Cheeby and her going, oh good, another song where you took the main word and made it Cheeby. But Cheeby's cute. What's wrong with that? I just, you know, imagine if I did that about you every time I walked through room. Do it.

What's another song? Everybody's got to have dog jingles. She's my cheeby dog. Sugar so sweet, she's a little frog. That's a big one. So it's only songs that already exist. You don't do Make Your Owns? No, it's every song that's ever existed.

Take the word, make a cheeby. The only thing I ever did that had another property before it, like I'm copywriting, was, you know, extra, extra read all about it. Yeah? Extra, extra read all. For some reason it got in my head. And I went, copster, pupster, read all about her. She's the prettiest dog.

the world and she just like and she gets her ass beautiful she gets her ass whenever we go copster popster read all about it like it's a paper and then she's a good song it's a fun little jingle i really like that absolutely gone yeah she my friend is a pit bull at the air bambi then they've been fucking going at it a little pit bull puppy wait why everyone's air being right now because hotels are a rip-off during netflix as a joke i had two of my friends i grew up with stay in my Airbnb so we could have fun i'm barely doing that i'm like avoiding the festival yeah that's why you're here i'm doing i have one show and then I'm like running around but I'm like You're doing one show where? Where's your show?

Like the one big show is me, Muriel, List and Feinstein. You, Sam, List of Feinstein. Where are you guys doing it? United Theater on Broadway? Sure. Downtown? Yeah, and they were like, don't do your own show because they just don't sell and it's really hard.

Is there a theme of the show? Or is it just you guys are all doing half an hour or not? How much time are you doing? I couldn't even begin to tell you. I love this, dude. I have no idea. She's just like Bobby. I'm going to jump on store shows.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's just like no idea, just show up. No idea. But four comics, you can't do any more than a half an hour apiece. Maybe 20 minutes. But I'm out here for Brea, Oxnard, and then I'm jumping over to San Francisco. Love, where you playing?

Palace of Fine Arts. Cubs. Cobby, Cobbies. Whoa. One more time. How many, how many cobs? Well, I was going to add a cobs, but Jake is flying out, so I might not add one. But it's a lot of coves.

Wait, he's flying out so you won't add one? He's flying out like a red eye on Sunday. From New York? From cops. From San Francisco. So I was going to add one Sunday. Oh, okay, okay. What do you think I should do?

Add one Sunday during the day? What do you do? What's your move? Me to a show during the day? Yeah, no. Tough. Do you add one to Sunday? She's snoring.

No, never. You don't add a show. We do. Do we do that? I don't know. What do we do? We've added shows on the road before. Do we do that?

I sold five out, and they were like, do you want to add a show? And I was like, I don't want to. Are you doing a show on Sunday? Yeah. What time? Seven? Yeah.

Do a nine. I don't want it. Well, don't do a five. Okay. Sunday five's tough. But do you think it's too late because it's a week out. No, you could do it. Really?

Yeah. People are begging for it. All those zombies in San Francisco. I like San Francisco. I like San Francisco. I love it. I feel like they're just so high on dabs all the time. I feel like it's a dab city.

Denver Dab City King. Denver Comedy Works. I've had some guy left. He was too high. and mushrooms got ripped. He's like, I gotta go, bro. I'm so sorry. I was like, it's all right, man. He was so sweet. I had so many people faint from weed. Yeah, faint. I've had two fainters. Yeah. I had a guy had a heart attack in Nashville. A real one? I was ripping so hard. Yeah. Really? He was insane.

His heart? And I had to do the show. I had to continue. Did he get pulled out? No, we left him there. He was just dying mid show. No, yeah. We stopped. We got paramedics, you dummy. Dumbow. We got paramedics to come, but it was kind of fucked up. And then they were like, it was only 10 minutes into my set. And I was like, and I was like, Should we go, do we keep doing comedy? And they're like, yeah. 10 minutes in? 10, 15 minutes maybe. And they came in with the stretcher and pulled him out and stuff.

Was he waving? Was he alert? Was he alive? He gave a thumbs up on the way out. Did he? For real? Are you lying? No, he didn't be out of stretcher. They walked him out. God, I've had just a girl on the back who just like turns gray and her boyfriend is like, and I'm like, what's going on? She just hits the ground. Too much weed.

I hate that. I know, I feel their, I feel it. I feel the way they feel. I would rather have a heart attack than faint from weight, honestly. I would. Fainting from weed is the worst possible feeling you can get. Embarrassing what? You're just like that's shameful? Just the feeling where all of a sudden everything goes all gray and the lights get really white and then the way that all of a sudden you stop hearing your own, the things are, you stop hearing the conversation

you're having and just start hearing like the noises. I hate that so much. I hate that so much. And you're like make the gluck up stop tinky cracker. Tinky tiki clacka? Yeah. Yeah. I had to get an MRI the other day and I was fucking passing. I got a little lump in my vagina What of it?

Show the cam Huh? You have a lumpy bump? I got a little bump I got a little marble Are you okay? No, it's totally fine Everybody's freaking out

Well yeah dude Well what the fuck Yes because if someone My friend says to me I got an MRI because there's a A bump It's a little bump Yeah, it's fine

Well I'd be freaked out From my friend I bet you're fine It's totally fine When did they get the results back? They got them back They said We can't tell if it's fine

because you have to do, you have to put something in your vein to light it up. And I said, I will not be doing that. What the fuck does that mean? They got to pump you full of UV light. Yeah? And then give you another MRI.

And I said, I will not be doing the two of my least favorite thing. I'm not going to go into claustrophobia and do blood stuff. The worst part about getting an MRI is the sound when you're in the machine. Alan? Dude.

And it gets to a certain level where you're like, okay, if it goes three more times, I'm going to kill myself. And I'm going to kill everybody's in this room. And then it goes, and you go, okay. And then it goes,

beep, beep, beep, and you go, no way! And then it just switches to it. I just don't like when it also goes, I goo-doo, and you're like, what if the machine is goofed?

And it just makes a mistake and it just makes a mistake and smashes me in this hole. And they give you the thing, right? They give you a little thing in your hand. They're like, hit this if you need an emergency. I know, it's too close. They need to put it over there and say,

because it's there and I'm just like. I'm thinking about it the whole time. Did you play music? No. you know why? Why? Because they said no, they wanted me to have, because the first one fucked up, so I had to do it again. So they were like, hey, can we have this like super still, no nothing, no in the room?

I said yes. Because doing it once, I hated. Then I're like, you got to do it again. And I had my whole hip all the way to my neck. What was wrong with you? I had a little lump in my vagina. Did you? That's what I found out.

Really? Yeah. No, I had an L4, L5S1, herniation. and the... What is that? They found out my hip impingements and all this shit. Hibingement?

Herniated disc. Did she fart? Yeah. Licks the air is so funny. I do you fart. She's tired, dude. Wait, what's a herniated hell, pan, palpah?

A disc? Oh. You have discs in your back there? I know there's discs. And there's jelly in the donut. Don't say jelly. And the jelly comes out of the donut. It never goes back in.

Oh, my God. I know about that. I've been in my 30s for a while. I've dated you guys. I've dated you fucking guys. I've dated you fucking guys. It hurts. You're fucked the guy with a slip desk.

Oh, yeah. And he's like, hold on, hold on, hold on. And he goes, hot, hot, hot. And he goes, yeah. In here, we pour whiskey. I'm a shady ray guy. And I like my shades like this. A lot of cool young guys like to put it on top of their hats, like baseball players.

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My parents and I will quote, only certain chunks of small, odd things from movies. From training day? No, we were gonna do that, the money. I won the money. If anybody knows what that's from, I'll give you $100 right now. The money is mine. I won the money. Rat race.

No, and he goes, close. I won the money. How is that not rat race? And he dies. The money is mine. And then he comes back. Nobody? People at home.

Is it Vegas vacation? Boom! Oh my God! He looked it up. Vegas vacation. He's a goddamn check. I won the money. One of my favorite scenes.

Do you do that with your mom? You say like weird movie scene lines? That only you guys would have reference to. Yeah, I got this one. You know what this is from? I'm an insecure, middle-aged. I'm short, fat, insecure, middle-aged thing. I made you short?

You know what that's not? Aladdin? No? Fuck. I'll give you another hint. I'm leaving. And I'm bringing my toothbrush. How Egyptian.

We were just talking about this movie. No, wait, there's tramp. Fuck, what is that? I cannot wait shoes and make me fall down. It's the shoes. I cannot watch shoes. where the shoes, they make me fall down. Agatha.

Agatha. What are you gonna let me be one of your little Estrogynava kids? What is that? Birdcage. Oh, God. That's another one. So good.

He's a pedantic pontificating bastard of belligerental fart. Worthless steaming pile of cow dung, figuratively speaking. You know what that's from? Ace Ventura. Close. Oh, no, that's, no, it's a... Liar, liar.

He's a pedantic, yeah. Yeah. Lyer, liar. But at Jim Carav, that was a good... You do have good. Jim Carrey. Yeah. Because you can do the face. See? Yeah. Don't do. Yeah, that. Grin. I'm losing my mind. What is it? Wallyn't sell clothing. I can't cancel that. It's so fun. Yeah. No one does better faces than that guy. He's the best. He's got he fucked his

face though. He fucked his face. Did he or was that a bit? No, he fucked it. I think it could have been a bit, dude. It wasn't a bit. He did the thing. You don't know your parents sound like him now? We're like, I'm grateful. That's what he did. He got old and he fucking put Botox in his face. he looks weird now. He did the upper plasty, blinoplasty. Oh, it's blino? He did a blephoplasty where they sink it in like that.

Some people just know how to age right in the business, both personality-wise, face-wise, they don't change in. You know who I think is the number one comedic actor who's just doing it perfect. He's doing it fucking perfect. He's a comedian, he was a stand-up,

and I think he's just the greatest. Larry David. Ray Romano. all these guys are great this one's perfect and he just put out a new show and I watched it and it's so fucking

like fun and stupid and like Burt Kreacher no no this guy's been around for a long time he just put out a television show

he just did a new show on Netflix yeah and it's like mindless and beautiful what? Who is it? Hard name tough name

weird name hmm ooh you say the Edward That was a bit I was making it. Zach Gallifanakis. What are you talking about? Zach disappeared off the face of the planet. Yes, that's what I'm saying.

He did it right. He's like, fuck you, I got all the money. I'm having fun. I'm going to be with my family. You think that's what he was doing? 100%. I think he's doing comedy at his regard. And then he put out a great show called gardening.

It's perfect. Is it good? It's just so fun. It's light. It doesn't take itself serious. It's just it's him going, hey, I'll learn about gardening. And Netflix was like,

What do you want to check? He's like, yeah, fuck it. Give me money. I'll have fun. Zach's the man. I think he's... He disappeared. Where'd he go?

He made a billion dollars on the hangover and was like, I don't want to do shit anymore. I want to just chill with my fucking family who I love, raise my kids, and then I'll pop up and do shit if I feel like it. Is that what he did? He raised his kids? I thought he disappeared into a darkness. No, dude.

He's cruising. He's living as... You know who my idol is, Bobernam? Also, the man. Disappears comes back with a brilliant. But he's not really disappearing. He's just doing calculated approaches to comedy. He's like, I'm going to put this out when I'm ready.

I'm not going to just be like, I need a thing on YouTube. But is he touring? I don't know. I don't think so. Because I heard him, I heard Tosh is touring again too, and I don't even know anything. And Tosh lives in L.A. I've never seen him here. We're not like that, though. You wish that you were like that.

We're not like that. You have to accept to your are. You like being around people. You like having goofy talks with your friends. You like doing stuff. Who am I? You're not to disappear and raise your kids and come back with a gardening show. Get the fuck out of here.

No, I'm jealous of that existence, but I can't beat it. Yeah, we're validation. We like hanging. We like hanging. We like hanging. And somebody said, hey, podcasts can make you money. It's just hanging. And we went, oh, no.

Oh, no. I got to go hang with my friends. And then you talk to Louis, and he's like, you got to stop doing podcasts. It's on, it's not. I'm like, you stop doing podcasts. I do think it's funny when people shit on podcasts. Louis always says that. No, don't post on Instagram, no podcast.

You're like, I like, I like, I like, what do you want me to do? You want me do what you did? I'll go write for Conan for 10 years. That's the job I'm going to get. No, none of those jobs exist that all those people did. I know. It's a completely different thing. And now we're the new regime and they don't like it.

It looks so cheesy to them. Like, which I get. Yeah, what we're doing is coin. Pretend to be the guy at the hotel. Okay. This is brutal for like. It's so fun. Yeah, we don't care.

That's what they don't get. They care. We don't care. We actually do care. very much. I care all day. You're going to leave, call me in the car and be like, dude, take out the hotel. Is I bad? Is that bad? I don't take anything out. I'm pretty good

with that. Unless it's... Unless it's really bad. Do you have friends that call and they go take it out? And they go take out everything. Only if... People ask to take stuff out only if it's like insane. Dude, I've stopped putting good friends of mine because they wanted all out. Ian last night was wondering if something was kosher. Ian said a few wild things. About the girl?

No. Yeah. But also he didn't say anything bad. He was just like, should I even be talking? It was fine. You didn't say anything bad. Nobody said anything bad. Yeah. But yes, it was. I wish I had that. I wish I had the in the moment, like, is this not okay? I just do it and then something really bad happens.

You figured out later. No, it's awful. Then I'm on Stavros's podcast getting canceled on Twitter because I fucking... What did you do on there? I didn't know that you couldn't say T R A N-N-N-Y and I was saying a guy said it in the bad way. Unstab got mad at you? Yeah, but I didn't know. I grew up with fucking lesbians who were fucking going to that, saying that.

That was a whole thing. That was the whole culture. and so I said it, and I was like, this guy said it, and it's such an antiquated word. It's weird people. And then I was like, you can't say that. And the whole internet was like, called him Dionysius and dragged me and said it looked like a Rick and Morty character.

You do look like you could have been on Rick and Morty, to be honest. And then, I don't know, Jordan. You can't say that word. That's Bill Burr. Bill Burr as as, as, as, Morty. Wait, Bill Burr, talking is just the beginning of a sneeze. It's just, ha, ha. I don't know, Rick.

Yeah, that is... I don't know, Rick. Dude, he's so fucking funny. Who, William? Yeah, he went up to the day. It was so crazy how good he is. My sweetie. Come on.

Yeah, you know you can do it. But yeah, that's what happens to me. I run my mouth and say whatever, and then I get in trouble for it. Later, which I shouldn't do. I should think. I should use my thoughts. I don't agree with that. I think you do...

Why don't you speak English? You do exactly. Yeah, what if... You think your dog... If your dog's... What accent we were... dog have if your dog. Oh, she got a little Mexican.

She's Mexican. Oh, yeah. You know what I think she actually is? My dog is also Mexican, dude. I think she's like, if she was a person, she'd be like, rich girl who is like bad, gets bad grades, smoke cigarettes, skateboard's really cool, bisexual for sure. Yeah. Addicted to like perk asets.

A perk dog? Yeah. So if that's, if she was a human? Yeah. And she like would climb. She'd like rock climb and always have like skin knees. My dog, if Cubby was a real person, she would be like a book nerd girl. who's kind of reclusive.

Yeah. But is hot. But she's hot, but she's not into, she's like, I don't, like, I don't want to date. I'm not, like, I'm not into that shit. I'm not looking for anything. Yeah, she's like, she's making shit on her own. Yeah. But also, secretly loves the rage.

Really? Dude, because during the day when we play ball, she goes fucking bananas. Oh, yeah. And she sees a boy dog and she's like, oh. Oh, she's a little horny girl. She's a Christian. Stop it. A Christian.

She's a Christian. She's a Christian. She's one of those Christian girls where they get real horny at night. Real horny at night. Yeah, what is that? Isn't there a book about that? I don't know.

There's never a book about I saw this thing about women's peak. Women's penis. Women's penis. Women's peak horniness is deep in the night. Male peak horniness is first thing in the morning. Deep in the night? Yeah, like at the very end of a night.

Women are more, their horn rises at night and men's horn rises in the morning. Tastas her on spikes in the morning. So that's why men first sing are like, alright, dick is up, I want to sex. And girls first thing in the morning are like, get the thing out of here.

Yeah. But like, we're always like, but you guys are at night, something about women at night. What is it? You looked it up? Yeah, there was it woman on fire? Woman on fire?

Or horny by day, horny by night? Why wouldn't they make it the same thing? Why wouldn't God make it the same thing? Because we're meant to be gay. No. Just a point I tried to make the whole show. We are supposed to be gay.

But why wouldn't they align that? They just want us to be in conflict all the time? Like, there's some fucking cosmic joke that's like, we're just going to make you horny at slightly different hours. It's like, for what? For just for us to have domestic violence? Maybe it's strategic so that we wouldn't procreate too much. Oh, yeah.

So I got to be like, I'm willing to have sex with you even though you have a morning breath. Right? And that means I really love you. That means I really love it. And I'm going to have a baby with you. Isn't that kind of an idea? That could be the approach. Science has nothing to do with it.

That is interesting. It has something to do with the, it probably has to do with like, I bet you are circadian rhythm was different thousands of years ago, too. My mom is so obsessed with evolutionary biology and how women are men and men are women. And we have to. But she's a lesbian. Because your mom is intellectual? What do you mean? She's interested in like.

Evolutionary biology. The history of people and their biological growth. Like, like the real. reason why women do this is because their biology tells them to it. But she's like a manish lesbian. And I'm always like, what are you doing for evolution right now? You're just slamming her vagina against another vagina? What are you procre?

You know what I mean? You're not doing it? You know what I mean? It's just, well, she's, she's, she's... She says she's evolved. She's like, she's grown. She's all the way. Yeah.

She's fully blossomed. It says men are horniest in the morning because high as hopes of testosterone rises during sleep. That's what I just literally said. It's a testosterone spikes first thing in the morning. That's why you have morning wood. Yeah. Also morning wood helps you so you don't pee the bed at night.

Yeah, I've heard that. Oh. Blood swells so pee doesn't get leaked out. Blood swells. I'm a novelist. In the morning. Swelling, blood in the morning. Testosterone, peaking, yawning,

breath, smelling, fawning, yearning, earning, learning, learning, burning. Bairn, wake up. Was that a limerick or a fucking, what is that? That was awesome. Pretty close? I'm like a little kid. I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Give me a poem, fast.

Give me a poem. bitch. Oh my god, the days weep for my pussy. It is hardened, conch shell, carved over from the sand, an earthly dust mound. Shall he or ye break through with an iron

fist, my wrist behind my head? Don't do that. It hurts there. Don't put that there. By the way, Louis and those guys watching us being like stupid, you're like, you're right, this was, this is very stupid. That's fun. I'll give you a poem about coffee.

The morning I rise, my eyes, wiping sleep away, it's coffee day. Click, scoop, scoop, pour. Delicious more I need. My fuel, it feeds the fire. A leak, oh no, I must. Excrued, protrude, misuse, abuse, abuse. Toilet. I gotta tell you something.

Yeah. Empty stomach first thing in the morning. Big cup of coffee. What? You do that? It's my favorite thing in the morning. Empty stomach, coffee. Let me ask you something.

Right to the bedroom. Milk or no milk. Who's asking? You're doing a little milk. You're doing a little milk. Shut up. Who's asking? You're doing a little...

No. You're doing a little No, I do, you know what I do? Chibani makes... Yeah. Chibani makes a little flavor, a French vanilla flavor, and I put a little droplet in there for just a little bit of tinge. I can't drink coffee black. I mean either. Nut pods? You try those yet? Nut pod?

Show me nut pod. Get a nut pod going. Hey, Jamie, pull that up. I'm about to change your life. I'm about to change your life. French vanilla nut pods. You're going to French vanilla nut pod. You're going to cream in your little fucking jeans soon. Is it just a creamer? Nut pod, dude. I got a little espresso machine. I foam up my fucking almond milk

mixing a little nut pot in there. Get a good thick. Double shot? Triple shot. Double shot. And then another double shot. You do a quad ski. I want to do a squadsky.

Let me see a nut pod kid. This is a style of coffee creamer. Yeah, I want to see it so I can buy it in the store. Nut Pod. Send me nut pods. Okay. Where's it from? Whole Foods.

Wherever you want. This looks like a sprouts are in a Whole Foods thing. Yeah. You can get it a big boy? You got Wegmans out here? We don't got Wagmans out here? We don't got Waggman. Yeah, we ain't got no weggies.

You got wagers out here? Whoa! You got wagers? Yo, you guys got weggers out there? What is my mom called? Wegg women's, waged death? Where does your mom live? Ithaca. Deep Homo, as she goes home depo. Deep Homo?

Because she likes Lowe's better, yeah. Loz. Are you going to deep homo? Loz is stronger than expect great things. Yeah, she's got the card. Ace was the place. But I love Ace. No.

Ace is small. Yeah, ACE's are, I like little tiny ones. And Aces were also. independently owned I fucked with that really home depots oh yeah you could own your own ace yeah big money at Menards that's Midwest I don't think they had that dude no we did say big money at Menards you're Midwest and as kids minards I hate that why you don't like that where it's a couple Midwest boys where are you from Chicago you fat dummy I don't like Minnesota oh you don't like Minnesota oh you don't like

what it do to you it's too clean they got their shit figured out St. Paul they don't like very much I prefer St. Paul the fucking I don't like that I don't like that you don't like Minneapolis No. Skinnyapolis is a good little city, dude. What are you talking about? Minneapolis is so fucking weird. It's all these white people with casseroles and that a bunch of Somalis

trying to hit each other. Nobody can fucking make a deal with each other. It's like a woman holding a castle and a guy with a fucking machete being like, this is my city. No. These poor, these like white people who look like this kid are like, oh, wow, whatever you need, come on it. Like it doesn't make any sense. It's chaotic. I love this dude.

And then you have dudes with like guns. It's crazy. I hate that place. This is awesome. Good stuff. It's just white people and Somali people, and it doesn't make any sense. There's no in between. Tell them why Chicago's way better.

Chicago has all different types of people. You can be on the beach. You can be in the city. You can be in the ghetto. You can be in the finance. Yeah, all in one hour. Yeah, we have beaches, dude. Yeah, I know I live there for three and a half years.

We have beaches, pal, and you didn't really live there. It's a little gay with the alties scene. It's a little gay, sure. People are a little alcoholic. There's a lot of guys wearing two tight shirts, for sure, for sure. We have a lot of good alcoholics, so. But our alcoholics is a part of our culture. So it's not as sad.

If you're an alcoholic in New York or L.A., it's like, oh, dude, your boy, what's up? Yeah. A New York and an alcoholic in Chicago, they're like, ooh, that's Mike? Yeah, no, Mike's in. What are you going to do? Yeah. You have to survive. Totally.

He's just a nice guy. No, but Minneapolis. Yeah, my wife's going to leave me, but fuck it, dude. It's Chicago. What happened? What happened was, well, I got fired. I told you that, and I didn't tell her for months. It was fucking tough.

Chicago. Yeah. drinking every day. Mike. Mike Schlosky. Mike Tleska. Good to meet you. That's my buddy, Tim.

Where I'm from, it's like this. We're, well, my buddy, Bob, we're going to go down, here's in the air. We're going to get a truck. We're going to go down and get the Peppers. Where the fuckers is that? What's that by you? This is upstate New York.

We're going to go grab the Peppers. We're going to go get my buddy Bob. We're going to grab Bob. We're going to get a couple. We're going to get the bruskeys, go down to the lake. We're going to put the boat on the dock. But then Timmy jumped off the boat. He necked his air down on the

propeller there. So we were going to go trout fish and that didn't work. If we come back, Debbie opens a container, she thinks there's going to be a trout in there, not trout, it's above the ear. So I'm in a hell of a lot of trouble. Yeah. You slicker and deer nuts on the door. No, boy. That's how they tell.

Slick of the deer nuts on the door door. And then the female version is, and I fucking open up that. I opened that up. And what did I see? Did I see a trout? Did I see a trout? No, I did not see a trout. No, I did not see a trout. I saw an ear, okay? He's an asshole, okay? And he will not be going in the above ground pool, all right? My grandma is not okay with this. My grandma is 19 years old.

This is northern upstate New York. My sister. Fuck you, asshole. Yeah. Asshole? Fuck you asshole. Yeah, because New York. Jordan, you close like fucking cabinets. Western, like Buffalo? Buffalo kind of sounds like the Midwest.

Yeah. They get a little Midwestern. We sound like Buffalo. I think it sounds like Buffalo. I mean, I'm, like, Lansing is outside of Ithaca. I refer to a Peregrine Falcon as an adolescent fledgling. Ithaca's like hippie. It almost sounded like love on the spectrum Connor, shut out Connor. My guy.

Yes. Jordan. That's really good. I love to see your dog. Wow. Connor's my fucking... Wait, how do I do it? A falcon.

A falcon. One of the greatest birds. Wow, that's really good. I fucking love that guy. Can you do any of the other ones? Can you do the night guy? Yes. Yes.

Dad! Shelly, I didn't hurt you, did I, Shelly? Okay, good, because I didn't mean to, Shelly. Wow. Oh, my God. No, you didn't hurt me, James. What about the horning one with classes, the La Asian girl? What?

Remember that one? Wait, which one's that? You know. Oh, yes. She lives here, right? She's L.A. I think she did a goblin show. She did?

Yeah, I think she did a Gobel Con. Why can I think her fucking name, dude? Katie? No. crazy, crazy horny. Crazy horny. She does, like, she does artistry,

she likes drawing and all that stuff. Yeah. Why can I think, what? Danny Bowman. Danny, Danny, shout out Danny Bowman. No, who else can I do? The new guy,

the new guy, my wife is really not into me doing this around the house all the time. The new guy from L.A., the new season. Interesting. My fucking wife is so annoyed. Literally,

she was the other day. We were hooking up. done hooking up. We're like, you know, like the post hookup, like, you got to clean up over, like, and I got up. She's like looking at her, she's naked. And she's like looking at her side. She's like, oh, it's like a bruise. And I go, interesting. And she's like, ew, don't. No, we're like, we just hooked up. Get the fuck out of here. Ah, per se. That's so awesome. That's so interesting. Interesting. Yeah. Imagine if you're a single, if I'm single, I'm hooking up with.

chicken ready as I come and like, Interesting. What would that do to your brain? If a guy you're hooking it up with, Interesting. I do bits the whole time I have sex. I can't help it. There's bits flying.

You've got to be doing bits. No, you don't. You're doing voices. You're throwing bits while you're boning? Sometimes, yeah, with a new person. I mean, once you get into it and you get it dialed in. But yeah, for the first time. What are you doing?

You're doing voices. You're cracking up. You're going like this. What's that? Just kidding. Legs above your head. Look over there. Look over there.

You're making a talk. Get your penis in here now. Yeah, yeah. That stuff is fun. Yeah, pulling the skin of the penis over the tip, so it's a little, it's a little M&M guy. It's a mile? Yeah, yeah.

You only got one shot. You better lose yourself as you've tug on it. Yeah, I've gotten in trouble for stuff like that. I play with the balls too much. I do get into the balls. Like I get tactile, pull on the balls, tug-up balls. Yeah, they don't like it. Do you know how crazy that thing is to see the skin coming together by my part?

I know, but I don't like balls being... Unreal. They're way more sensitive than you guys think. I know, but sometimes... That would be like us flicking, flicking your clip. I'm just pulling like that. It's the same sensitivity, though. Tug it?

Tug it sometimes doesn't feel good. What if I'm just spreading? I'm just seeing how flat it can go. I had a buddy in high school who could, like, fold it over his knee. You know that guy? over his thigh, I mean, huge elephant's side. Remember all the fun ones? The gum? The goat. The gum was fun. The brain.

I was a big mangina guy as a kid. I tucked. Yeah, that's good. And I walk around and I go, Hello! Mrs. Alfire, shout out. Tilly! And I would walk around like that and everyone's like, Oh, Santito's got a pussy, dude! And I would turn around, you give him the bulldog. Oh, yeah, that's good. Wow.

You never did that? Would you do the turnaround? Always, got to. Because you turn around and pick up your pants to put them on as a bit. You're like, I'm going to put my pants back on. You flip and then you pull them up and they're like, oh, dude. That's good. That's a good bit. Mangina's hilarious. How funny.

How before our time, we were doing manginas. Right? Yeah. Now people would be like, hey, man, that's faux pop. Are you making fun of it? I think you can still do manginas. No one's doing it on TV or film anymore. Oh.

Yeah. It's become a thing now. You can't do mangina? Mm-mm. Yeah, because, yeah. I want to. I'm gonna. You still do it.

I'm gonna do it. Bring it back. Bring it back. They brought back other stuff. You know? Not what you said. Not what I said. I'm gonna bring it back.

Let's bring it back today. I think you can do mangina because I still think, is Buffalo Bill fucked up now? Yeah. Is Buffalo Bill now fucked up? Really? Yeah, probably.

Is she a great big, fair person? That's so good. Is she a great? That's because I always, I always think that when I take my clothes off with a guy. That's my first thought Because I want to go

Oh, is she a great big fat person? You say that to the guy? Yeah That's so funny Does he laugh? Yeah, sometimes Sometimes they go what? And then I go

Nothing Nothing Nothing I was quoting Silence of the Lambs Also the smile He gets is so funny Because he's first disappointed And he goes Wait

She's a great big fat person It's so good Oh wait Oh wait Is she a great big fat person But the face a weird twisting smile. It is very gross.

He's the best. He's the best. I'll start to mangina again. I wish I could mangina. I'm jealous. I'm very jealous. We have the stupid stuff. Well, you're tucked away. What can we do? You're all hidden.

I'm tucked away. I'm a tuck. I just found out there, I just found out about untucks. Oh yeah. I just found out. My friend was like, look how hot this girl is. And I was like, she's got bubble gum. It looks like there was a wad of chewing gum stuck to her. She had like way better vagina than I

If you could shave that thing off Superior vagina flat Like a snare drum I got a puffy pufferson But she had a flat snare with a ball If you took a all of the On the one of the things of public gum And stuck

What is that? You got a puffer I got a puffer yeah I got one that you could like You could propose with somebody By putting a little A little ring in it? Yeah

So it's like a little mound It's just a little puffer yeah It is funny Yeah the mounds are very It's cupable. Yeah, I got a cupable. Is that normal? That's normal.

100%. Okay. It's extremely normal. I got a culpable mound. What's not normal. Have you seen the skinny girls with no cupable mounds? Where it disappears? It's like a falling off an edge of a cliff.

Is that real? Yeah. Weird. Yeah. It is weird? Yeah. And those usually have the chewing gum attached to it. Almost always.

Because they're too skinny. It pushes out. Yeah. Like Ren from Ren and Stimpy. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, that's, yeah, that's right. All right, we got to get out of here, dude. How long we've been here?

Like an hour and 15. Who gives this shit, dude? I'm staying. Stay. All right. I gotta get on plane tomorrow. I'm going to Myrtle Beach. That sucks.

Why? It doesn't suck. I'm going for an event. It's going to be actually very fun. Oh, not stand-up. No. Oh, great. Stand-up sucks.

It sucks. It's the best. That's the best thing ever. It's like the greatest shitty thing we've ever done. I know. Our job is so good. It's crazy. All right. This is going to come out.

not tomorrow but I do want to plug some dates for you okay so I'll do your dates as Connor how about that okay but make it so you can hear them

do your dates as Connor Jordan right yeah can you imagine the whole show the whole show please do you have on recently that was oh yeah we'll talk about it

I gotta talk to you about something okay talk to you about something here we go May All right, so let's just say after you do San Francisco. June 4th. Yeah. Yes, Dallas. June 4th.

Oh, my God. Come see. E.B. Fifth. Austin. The mothership. Joe Rogan. Holy shit.

June. June 19th, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. I know oh my god see me June 20th Royal Oak

Michigan oh my God he's so good it's unbelievable June 28th Newark New Jersey July 8th Indianapolis helium

what's that Lexington Kentucky Comedy out Broadway July 10th July 11th and then go see your Edmonton Alberta Canada

my favorite place at Kinsman Park hey go see her great outdoor she'll be over there with a C-San Sari, Pete Davidson, Robbie Hoffman, who barely knows you, bud. Winnipeg, Canada, another one, Montreal.

Is that just for laughs? Yeah. Yeah. Nice. Are you going? No. Are you going to a great outdoors? Nope.

Not doing any of that stuff. Go to Jordan Jensen.com. It'll reroute you to PunchUp. Punchup live.com slash Jordan Jensen. Go see her. She's one of the greatest living comedians that I've ever met. A good friend of mine. A wonderful person.

Beautiful, sweet, a total straight male. Looking at that camera, say one word or one phrase to end the episode. Crab apple. In here, we pour whiskey, whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk. You're that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Ginger's a fugitive.

You only $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Ginger's all hell now. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers.