Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Jordan Jensen Returns!

Episode Date: September 12, 2025

Breakout comedian Jordan Jensen sits down with Andrew Santino for a raw, hilarious deep-dive on bombing better, ADHD spirals, “failing at femininity,” and turning uncomfortable truths into monster laughs. We get into writing discipline, club wars, boundaries, and the wild path that led to her debut Netflix hour JORDAN JENSEN: TAKE ME WITH YOU. If you’ve ever tried to turn chaos into clarity, this one’s for you. Jordan talks craft, confidence, and why honesty is the only way out. Clip it, share it, and send it to the friend who needs a laugh today. FOLLOW JORDAN JENSEN • Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop/ • YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@jordanjensenlolstop • Site / tour dates: https://www.jordanjensencomedy.com/ FOLLOW SANTINO & THE SHOW • Santino IG: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ • Show IG: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeygingerpodcast #WhiskeyGinger #JordanJensen #TakeMeWithYou #NetflixSpecial #NetflixIsAJoke #AndrewSantino #ComedyPodcast #StandUpComedy #ComedyClips #PodcastClips ===================================================== Sponsor Whiskey Ginger: https://public.liveread.io/media-kit/whiskeyginger SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS ROCKET RX VISIT ROCKET RX NOW AND USE PROMO CODE: WHISKEY30 GET 30% OFF YOUR FIRST ORDER https://rocketrx.com ===================================================== Follow Andrew Santino: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ https://twitter.com/CheetoSantino Follow Whiskey Ginger: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeygingerpodcast https://twitter.com/whiskeygingerpodcast Produced and edited by Joe Faria https://www.instagram.com/itsjoefaria Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What up, Whiskey, Jeter fans? Welcome back to the show. It's your first time joining the show. Welcome to the show. We got a good one for you today, and it is a great day because my special is out today. White Noise, available on Hulu. Check it out, please. Go check out White Noise on Hulu. Spread the word. Tell everyone you know. Appreciate it. And also, I'm on tour. Halloween weekend. I'm going to San Francisco, the punchline. Then I'm going to be at the Brea Improv, the Tempe Improv, which I've never played ASU. I'm coming home at the Horseshoe Casino in Hammond, Indiana, November 22nd. Then I'm at Hanover, Maryland at the Hall, at Live, the Borgata in January as well, the Harris Valley Center, which is basically San Diego, end of January. Then we're adding Vegas is coming up soon and a few more dates. We go to Andrewsantino.com for those tickets, Andrews Santino.com. Please enjoy the special white noise on Hulu. In here, we pour whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk. You're in the ginger beard.

Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a cut. Ginger's up beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Ginger's, oh, hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers.

Ladies gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on the other side of my guest. What I mean? Once again, it's Jordan. Jen, Jen, Jen, Jen, Jen. As coyote rolls. Let her get that scratch. Dude, I like when they roll down there.

I like when dogs roll like that. Don't you love that? I mean, I think it's made to make us happy. That's one of my favorite things. You know why we like it is because they go like this. Yeah. I think it's this motion. It's like the Sphinx.

They Svinks for a little while. That does it. I think if she was like this, you wouldn't think it was so cool. But the tight-in hands is really. You know why they do that, right? They're back-scritched? No, he can tell you, well, this might be back-scratched, but outside when they nose roll, it's because it's like passed down from Wolfe's

that they like smell another scent. They're trying to leave their scent on top of the. that scent. Wolves used to head roll like that, right? But why? That doesn't explain... That's exactly why. Get rid of unwanted scents to mark their territory. So they go, this is my dead fish? Yeah, they'll leave their scent

because their piss scent is different than their body scent, so they'll leave their head scent somewhere to let the other wolves know like, this is where we roll dog, back up. And dogs still have kept that trait. Isn't that crazy they kept that trait like for hundreds of years? We've domesticated these wolves and made them

hours and manipulated their genetics and DNA. For anybody that's not into that shit. That shit, day wrong. Day wrong. I totally agree. Coyote go off. I like the, I've always liked floppy ear dogs, but having a pointy ear

dog, I realize they are closer to wolves. That's much more a wolf than a dog. That's wolf dog. The pointy ear, no way, are you going to start whining? We're not going to give you stuff. She gained some weight. She's a little chubby. And you got skinny. You brought your trainer with you. Everyone at home needs to know.

You think she's a little fat. She's a little fat. She's a little fat. Coyote, look at me? Yeah, Fatty. Oh, wow. No, no, no, she's, no, she's thick. Is she thick?

I actually need to know. I need to be told us. She's like Atlanta. She looks like Atlanta. Come here. This little thick girl. Let me see your ass. No, she looks good.

And she's perched really well. But Jordan brought her trainer with her just to show off that. Talk about, you're more L.A. than me. You brought your fucking trainer, dude. Dog and trainer, bro. That's insane, dude. You belong here. He was like, you can stay at my house.

And I was like, by the way, I have my dog and trainer. Nobody's mad at me. Nobody's upset with me. I go into Airwant and I'm like, can I have the second salmon in and I'm holding a dog? And in New York, they're like, fuck you, you fucking bitch. Here they're like 100%.

You want the salmon, you get the salmon. Move here. There's nothing wrong with that. We like dogs. We like trainers. There is a scrappyer quality here that I like. Like a Toyota truck is good here. Thumbs up.

That's bad in New York? It's just not feasible at all. Yeah, you can't park it anywhere. And when I used to have my truck in New York, people would be like piece of junk and I'd be like this is a toy

if you knew if you were Mexican Mexicans were stopping me all the time like please can I have and I want to take it all hey man like 19 of my buddies

were feeding them back I would pull up to a Home Depot with that thing they pile in hey if you weren't gay I was have sex with you like I'm not gay

like that's what you say if you were a woman I would have sex with you but you had that big pot that guy is cool I like that guy and his dog your dog is good

you want me take your harness off come me yeah get that fucking harness off the dog. So you brought your trainer who is... You think she's fat? Yeah, she's a little chubby.

Fuck. So, hey, you have a special. It just dropped. People are just... Losing their minds. Yeah. And it's called... Take me with you.

Take me with you, which is a love letter to her brother. It's a reference to me saying when somebody breaks up with me, I'm like, yeah, what were you doing here to begin with? Take me with you. Oh, that's sad.

You don't, like, get me out of here. Why is that so sad? It's a sad. a sad thing. But where'd you shoot it? Gramercy. The Gramercy in New York. Yeah. How fun was that? It was very, to be honest, I had a guardian angel, which was Stavros, Halkees. So the first hour, I walked out, and there was like a crane in my face, and there were

cameras, and me and the audience were both like, yo, this is crazy. So the first hour was like, kind of slow and scary. And I got off stage, and I was like, bro, I wasn't in the pocket. I didn't feel manic. And Stavros just appeared. didn't invite him no idea where he came from just emerged and was like first show's always like that the second one rips and i was like really and he was like 100 percent the first show you have to get your bearings and then the second show ripped that's great yeah and no did you still use the crane i used the crane though hate those things why because they're weird who needs them i don't know what they do it's so hard not to focus on him weird sweepy shots like why do i have

there were so many people who at home was going to be like where's the crane shot in the middle of the jokes. But I don't know which shot is what I don't like is the far shot where they show everything. I'm like, when would I ever? I was like keep it here the whole time like as tight as possible. Yeah. And in the future we're all going to learn it's just keep us in a box the whole fucking time. We're trying to do too

much. Too much. That's why I said. I was like just zoom it in so it's like uncomfortably close to my face. Yeah. That's why clips work is because we're monkeys looking at monkeys and we're like yeah. No, I'm sorry, Coyote. I know you're tripping. Get up there. Show to where. But go watch it right now. Take me with you. Right now. It's available on Netflix.

Available streaming all over the globe on Netflix. Global. I don't think it's global. What do you mean? Netflix is global. I know, but I think that that's not how it works. Oh, they restricted you to U.S.? Oh, I don't know. Well, what do you mean? You don't know how it works. It's global, unless it's not. I thought it was like you had to, I don't know.

Somebody was like you can do all the special jokes when you go to Europe. And I was like, so they're not going to see it? I've never heard of that before. I thought Netflix, if you're on there, you're all over the place. It's available in 190 countries worldwide. Yeah. Oh, okay. What are you talking about? Are you feeling okay right now even though you're...

I feel so good. You're good. I'm a little overwhelmed by the amount of podcasting. You're doing too much. I'm doing too much for sure. But you've got to promote the special. Also, you've got to get, you know, you've got to bring your trainer around because you've got to get back in good shape and she's out there, Tick-Tocking. Yeah.

You've got to bring her around. You're single again. I'm single again. Breakup. Put it out to the world. Breakup number nine. Number four or five? Nine.

Nine or 12. It's been a lot. How many would... This person. That's how many. Yeah. Probably big breakups. We've probably gone through, like, where we actually break up for like five months is like, it's a lot.

What do you do? You run to the apps? How do you get your release? I don't run to the apps. I used to run to the apps, but now I'm not. Now I'm like, I want to go, I want to be, I don't want anybody. Do you bone an old friend? Always.

You ought to bone an old friend, yeah. I don't want to bone the old friend because it triggers the shit out of me. Every time I fuck an old friend, it makes me be like I don't want, I've already, it feels like I'm backtracking because I know this and then I feel like I'm in that part of my life. You know what I mean? It's like if you go into like a, it's like if I ate a lunchable, it would remind me of being 10 years old, being molested on a playwright. You know what I mean?

Like that I'd be like, this is too much. So when I fuck a past person, I'm like, oh, no, I'm, I'm going backwards. Yeah, you're going backwards. What about, uh, what about if it's a brand new friend? You make a new friend. You go, look, dude, I'm just trying to bang. I don't have that. I don't have that.

No new friends. No, I don't have the horny thing. Oh, for when you break up? No, I just mean it's like a thing to do when you break up because you want some sort of separation from the old thing. But the cleansing of the cock. Cock cleansing you don't like? Whenever I cock cleanse, it is so, it's such a horrific experience because it's not coming from actual horniness. Someone you enjoy.

So it's just like, just pump it in, pump for oil, it'll get wet its own whistle, it'll get there. You know what I mean? And then I'm just afterwards, I'm like, okay, now go and like, ew, you're a stranger. And my sheets. So I don't do that anymore. That's why gay guys got it right. Grindr is great. You can pick what you need.

You pick what you need. I remember my buddy Stephen told me he was, like, coming to set late. And he was like, oh, I just had to go smash one out with some guy real fast. I was like, what? That's just masturbation with another person. Why not just jerk off? No, but it's more fun with a friend. I'm sure.

I'm sure it's great. I don't know. I think you have been married too long. I think if you were single, you would see. Here's what happens. If I have you over to my house and you're a friend, we have to talk. I don't want to talk to you. you i know we have to talk i have to offer you water and then we have to we have to pivot into

the sex mode which is psychotic what if you just say let's bang and you don't get even you still have to like even like unbuttoning your pants is crazy with a person that you're not that familiar with yeah it's a little gross it's weird and you're like okay mount me do it it's nuts yeah that is a little strange so be free for a little while be single don't date i want to not date for a while this will last about a month i don't like date Every time I go on a date, they do weird things. Like, wear little pointy-toe boots or something. I hate those.

You judge the shoes. Shoes are a big deal. The shoes are really rough. Shoes are a big deal. What shoes are no-go on a date? Pointy-toe boots. I'm going to even say the little lace-up boots. You don't like that.

I'm going to give you shoes. You tell me if it's okay with you. On a date. Birkenstocks. Depends on, if we're in L.A., yes. Yeah, if it's a sock, Berkandstock, I am actually okay with it. In fact, it could be ideal. All right, reef sandals.

What's that? Reefs, you know, like, reefs are the thong-toed sandals. Unacceptable. Yeah, you don't like that, right. Like a frat guy. Yeah. That's a no-go. It's, I don't want to ever see a man be made into a woman by having a little thong.

The thong in the toe is disgusting. I don't like that. It's too feminine to me. It is. What about, what about Crocks? Fine. It's a bold move, but it might be cool. Yeah, the bold is okay.

Berks and Crocs are kind of bold, which means you're casual. You don't like me that much. House slippers. I kind of am okay with that On a date, I like you You know what I mean? It's like even slides I don't want to see your toes

But if you have socks Slides and socks Fine Doc Martins Nah You don't like them I'm not really into I am a punky

But I don't like the punky They're not punky They're not punky But Doc Martins has a store Right down the street It's next to like a tender greens It's not Yeah

The Doc Martins isn't punky Yeah It's like Target now But I'm not into like vans either. Like I'm not into... Oh, see, here's where you're wrong. Vans are chill. That's a West Coast staple. The little vans? It's a West Coast staple.

Do you know what I'm talking about? The ones that make your boys' feet look tiny? Little vans. Little vans, no sock? Oh, you're talking about like the lace up the old... I'm talking about the no laces vans. Slip on vans. Slip on vans. No, slip-ons, not slides. That's tough for me. It's a cool move. Guys do it here all the time. You're on the West Coast. Really? That's a thing out here.

Checkered? No checkered. What color? Blue, black. standard colors. Okay. I mean, now I might be okay with it now that you gave it the okay, but I think before I might have been like... With jeans, it looks good.

Well, if you got big feet, they look big. Military boots? You're out on that. It's gay. Is that gay? Military lace. It's hot on a woman, but on a man, it's like, ew, you like laced it up.

You can literally say it's gay to everything everybody does. A man lacing up their boots like this is gay. It's gay. Being like, is gay. And he has to do that. not like, yeah, the only thing that can be lace up on a man is hockey skates.

Yeah, that's true. Because even sneakers should be loose laced. But if somebody else laces up your skates, is that guy? Yeah. Yeah, you got to do them yourself. Of course. So, lacing up, anything cross-lacing over and over for a man is gay.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's kind of hot, though. If it's like Frankenfurter from Rocky Horror Picture Show, then it's hot, right? Then it goes back. So hot. Everything, guys, everything straight guys do is gay. I mean, everything can be, you can find a way

to say gay to literally everything. thing. I put on a pimple patch this morning. That's not gay. Very gay. No, because it's your job to be on screen. No, but it's not my job. This is not a job. I don't like when you guys shave the top of your pubs. Top of my pubs. You mean like the base on my...

I don't like that. Who shaves? I don't know what to shit. You mean clean shaven? I don't like the buzz even. Oh, the buzz you need a little bit sometimes. If you need to clean up, if it gets too unruly, it's insane. I think I like the unruly. Like, do you keep the hair in here on your thighs? The inner thigh hair? I don't get thigh hair, but... But you know women that do.

See, this is a lot, this is a thing. Can I say something? I think it's kind of hot. It is hot. I don't like the beard of Labia beard. Yeah. But I don't mind the thigh hair. Like when it's a thick European woman. Thigh hair is kind of hot. It is right. It's the armpit hair. But I'm of a generation. I think Harry Bush is rad. Yeah. Like I think shavy is like, uh-oh, weird. Yeah. I don't like clean shavy. That is strange to me. That's very strange to me. Well, I have this whole thing I'm talking about on stage now about how everybody's against the Epstein, but now every woman is trying to look like a 12-year-old, which is crazy. Who me? They're all, I mean, even the, even the, the vapes that are, like, fucking breast milk-flavored and the fucking... Breast milk-flavored vapes, that's a thing?

I mean, not really, but mango tango-chimmy baby. That's a baby. It's a baby. And women are dressing like Brats dolls and the key chains and shit. Gigapets are back. The retro thing is pedophilia. Yeah, it is gross. You got to chill.

Yeah, it's crazy. It's gotten really gross. Well, what I do think is the trends are, the trends are some of the worst trends that we had. I was like, why are they bring it back the shitty trends? It's not like the rad trends. Well, we have some rad trends, but it's for boys. Yeah, we only get the cool. You guys aren't getting any of the cool one.

Yeah. Although I saw a girl today this morning after physical therapy, and she had on huge platform slides. You know those, you know what I'm talking about. Yeah. Like there were a slot, girl, a strap, and they were huge, chunky platformies, and they were very much high school, and I thought, that's so rad. Those are back.

I love those in high school. But now that and a 45-year-old, though, is kind of unacceptable. No, it's fun again. It's funny. Let her live. older women can't have fun anymore because they're 45? I'm 45. Will you shut the door, Sid, so she...

I can shut it. Oh, okay, great. No, no, she'll do it. She's... Look at that. Where's the harnesses right here? Do we need the harness? Why does she want? Take her for a walk. I like it. Bad throw. God, you guys think people are going to watch the WNBA after that. Let me tell you something.

Throw the dildos. Keep throwing a green dildos. What is the green dildo thing? What happened? Some guy threw a green dildo on the court at the WNBA game, And it caught, and then people started trying to do it. They've only, only two people have done it, right? It didn't happen a lot. But it became a thing. Someone threw dildos.

And then they acknowledged it, what the player should have never done. They were like, stop throwing dildos. You're like, don't do that. Now they're going to throw more dildos. If you ignore it, it goes away. They threw a dildo in the middle of a play. It was like during a timeout, right? Yeah, it was something like that.

But this is, you know, this is not new throwing stuff. This is new to America. In Europe, they throw stuff all the time. Really? Do you know what they do at soccer games in certain parts of the world? No. this is insane throw heads

they throw bananas at black soccer players oh my god this is a real thing this is a very real thing that happens still long it does not happen

as much now but it did have there any black soccer player that was just like thanks yeah starving good potassium great yeah no it's insane the last time it happened

was not too long ago 2022 2022 they threw bananas on the field wow at Brazil at Brazil players this still happens around the world

but we don't hear any of this shit because like in America, we don't give a fuck about other sports except for American sports. Well, I went to a Yankees game. It's an American sport. That's ours. There was a little racism being thrown around. A little bit of racism? Yeah, with the Boston guy in front of us, totally. Oh, well, yeah.

I mean, that's their number one. Literally nobody's better at racism than Boston. He was good. Yeah, they're good. And his son was there and his son was learning from him. Right. Yeah. You know, you ever watch that? Just watch a boy become a man. And you're like, ooh, wrong direction. Dude, that's a great. You know how like a karate kid he's teaching him the ways, you know?

And we do you do a Boston. compilation of him learning how to be racist through his father late at night in the garage. Yeah, with the music playing. Dude, say the N-word with Vigga. Say it with Vigah, kid. It was so... Really lead into it. The dad would stand up and be like, Tommy's a fucking queer. Get him off the plate. And the little boy would be like, yeah, you're queer.

It was like, and that's my boy. That's my boy. It was crazy. It made me want to whisper, just be like, well, the civil rights movement's hard and that, you know what I mean? Just to counteract it a little bit. It was crazy. Yeah, no, they're pretty good at it.

I'm not going to lie. But yes, there is still racism all around the world, newsflash. I'm racist. I'm for sure racist. Are you? On accident. Against whom? Come on.

I think everybody. Really? Well, I'm so comfortable with white people and so, and I immediately am so aware if I'm with other races that I just, you know what I do? It's like if all of a sudden Bobby walked in, it'd be like four times. I'd be like Chinese reference, Chinese, like I would just find a way to say things. my mom does this too with black people like she'll be like hi it's nice to me we all did that you know and you're like Jesus it is yeah I like can't help it yeah but I found myself on accident a bartender a black dude he was like what's going on man I'm

like how you doing man he's like good in order to drink and then he's like is that going to be all and I was like for show and I was like yeah oh fuck did I just do the code switching that white guys do is right you know what the best but I recognize I was like my bad That's insane that I said for show. Did you say it? I was like, for show. And I was like, I'm sorry about that. That's crazy.

Sometimes I do Black Sense so much with my friends that sometimes I'll get into an Uber and it'll be a black driver and I'll just be like, they'll be like, this is my stop, beat. Oh my God. And they think that I'm doing that. But really, it's how I talk about time. This is where we get off, my G? Yeah. You keep doing Black Sense the way you're doing them and just get YouTube clips put up and you're going to go viral, kid. Great.

That's the new world. I love doing the. Crowdwork. accent. Clip it. It's so good. You ever slip into a Jamaican accent on stage? Brother, I do it all the time. It's so fun. Well, Melmon. We did a bit on bad friends. Mailmon. Jamaican, Melman, get the

Melmone. I love Jamaican. I love Jamaican. I think they know it's the most fun too. It's the most fun. And it's not even being, you're not even being offensive. It's just because I like it so much. It's so, they found a way to speak in the most fun way. That is true. That's the most fun, least fun would be like anything. Check. Well, I would I'd say Eastern European or anything Northern European is, like, really sad.

Like, once you get up to, like, Norway and all that shit, it's, like, very soft and kind of, like, sadness. Like, it all feels... And kind of, like, sadness. The dogs, they will die. It's really dark, dude. When you talk to those Northerners, their sense of humor is... Because a lot of times, like, we have good meters for, like, when someone's joking. Sometimes they'll make a joke.

My buddy I was with, like, I'm not going to say his name. he made a joke and I was like Really? And he was like No, I'm just, I'm obviously like kidding and I was like okay Like Daniel Simonson Yeah, you're like dude

You need to be more obvious You're kidding Because we don't know Because you're creepy enough Where it might I'm not saying him But the language lends that way Jamaican on the other hand

Always fun Even when we're like Grandma died You're like alright My favorite is in Meet Joe Black When Brad Pitt Is playing death Oh yeah

And he does a Jamaican accent To an old lady Is he the best actor we've ever seen? No. I don't think he is a good actor. Oh, he's a great actor. I think he's just beautiful. We went over it yesterday, how good of an actor he is on some of the films.

No, it's Philip Seymour Hoffman's number one. RIP. RIP or Pacino. In here, we pour whiskey. Ginger's listen up. Today's show is brought to you by Schedule 35, and let me tell you something. This stuff has been a life changer for me. I started microdosing a little while back, and I was skeptical at first.

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and I think you'll feel the difference, too. Cheers, baby. Danger. I like cichers. Pacino's one roll. Whoa! One roll. Pacino's one role?

Oh, sorry, sorry. Sorry. I was thinking of... De Niro? Peschi? Pesci? You don't like... Who are you talking? I love Pesci, but it is one role.

Brad Pitt, one roll. No, no, no. Brad Pitt's not one roll. We can combat this very easy. What do you mean? Is Brad Pitt in Fight Club the same as he... Burn after reading. Yeah.

Yeah, same guy. No, no, no, no. Different guy. Same guy. Fun, fun, crazy, weird guy. No, no, no, not true. He's so cool. Fight Club is weird.

He's the coolest guy ever. How about, how about... But he's manic. It's like 12 monkeys. How about Brad in 12 monkeys and Fight Club are definitely not the same movie. It's a weird, it's like a kind of wacky guy. Oh, no, no, 12 monkeys, he's calm. No, but he plays the weird guy.

No, he doesn't. With the eye, he gets weird. I'm thinking of seven where he's a cool guy. Seven, he is a very cool guy. So he can do cool, calm. He's the stoner roommate on the couch. That's right, so good. Still. What about him in oceans?

He's so weird in oceans. He's so different. Now you're saying he's weird. He's cool in oceans. No, he's not cool in oceans. He's cool in Fight Club. He's either cool or he's kind of wacky. That's everything. That's all the bases. What else are you? No, Philip Seymour Hoffman is like... He has so much range. He has so much range. Funny guy.

He does. Drama guy. Yeah, but he's not hot. Brad Pitt always, yeah, but he makes you think he's hot sometimes. Sometimes you go, holy shit. Brad is hot. Brad is hot, but for a hot guy, is a good actor. Let's put it that way. For a hot guy is a great actor. Probably the best hot guy. How about this? He's the best actor, hot guy. 100%. Well, Leonardo DiCaprio. Eh, you know who actually is good? I don't think Leo's hot. I think he has sex appeal. Brad's hot. Okay. Leo's sexy, Brad's hot. Matt Damon is is a guy that guys like. We go, I like Matt Damon because he's, yeah, guys like him. I like Matt Damon because he feels like Guy I know I like. Man, I saw him at the cellar the other night and he just had, you know what,

whose arms he had? Matt Damon's. You know what I mean? I was just looking at him and I was like, those are freaking Goodwill's arms, bro. You're walking around here with arms that I know so well. And his hands and the way he was talking, I was like, you look just like Matt Damon. And it's Matt Damon. It's so weird when that happens.

Yeah, it is kind of creepy. It's like when somebody has a baby and they look like your friends who had the baby. And you're like, you look just like my friend. I saw two girls at the airport that looked exactly like their father. And it wasn't fortunate. It was unfortunate because their dad was not a good looking eye. He kind of looked like a turtle with big eyes. Oh, no.

And he was very round. He looked like a snowman. Like everything was perfect. It kept going. It was odd. It was like the head was bulbous, the middle's bulbous. The legs are bulbous. It was kind of cute.

Yeah. It was like a little snowman. But the girls. And the girls looked exactly like their dad. And I turned to my wife and I go, those poor girls look nothing like their mother. Yeah. And she was like, how do you know what they? their mother looked. Oh, okay. And they look exactly

like their dad. I was like, that's tough. It's tough. It's hard. Strong jeans. Like, I'm thankfully, I have some of my mom's traits. I didn't get all of my dad's traits. Because I see that sometimes. You see your parents as you get older and you're like, God, I'm glad I didn't get that. Yeah. Like, I'm really glad I didn't get that. There's ones that I have that I'm like, fuck, I got that. What's your least favorite trait? We got, I got the square. This is all square.

Yeah, square body. Yeah, my mom and dad actually had square body. Like a Lego, I am a Lego, you know. I say I'm a Lego man all the time. I'm a little Lego man. And I got the, my dad has this thing, the Simpson lip, and I got the Simpson lip. Oh, he's a Simpson lip out? No, your lips are fine.

No, this is, see, he sees it. Let me see. It's called a shoe shoe in my family. Oh, you do have a Simpson. Because it gives you a tiny bit of a list sometimes, yeah. My niece got it too. Damn, dude. It's really cute when you're a kid, but then you grow up.

But your lips aren't really small like most whites. You have normal-sized lips. Most whites have thin lips. I was thinking about the lip flip You've seen that Yeah, oh the lip flip flip But is that because you got Eastern European in you?

I got Danish Is that north? It's a little north, yeah Danish and Italian That's it? Yeah No, there's something else in there What do you think?

Something Eastern Europe What's Eastern Europe? What's over there? Brash, everything brash Brash? Brash? Yeah Like what, just name a place?

Like you, like a check You think I got some check? Yeah, you kind of to have like a European eyes Eastern European eyes. Those aren't Italian You think so? Yeah I don't know the hooded eyes Hooded eyes are Danish careful when you say stuff like that

Yeah I know I know yesterday I saw Bobby I was like open your eyes you can't I like was just saying stuff out loud it was crazy That's my entire life and people are like oh you say so much wild shit to him I'm like You should hear what we cut from that show really? It was just the most like absurd shit Well we just go back and forth until we feel good and then we're and then we're like All right we'll cut some of that stuff for sure that's good it must feel good to get it out well here you know what it's like when you do a pod with your buddy yeah we go a little crazy sometimes you go crazy i'm sure you have episodes that you did not want to put out

or that you cut a lot out of we did one with david lucas that we cut most of it out oh no we actually just didn't end up so much n-word huh he says the end word like every five seconds yeah no i don't know if he did yeah yeah yeah he does if i was black i would also say the n-word so many times no i think you'd get over it at some point though dude like i'm worried about about Cam Patterson, he just got SNL. It's like he's going to say the N-word for sure in the middle of the sketch. I don't think they can. I don't think they want you to do it on sketches.

Wow, they really overhauled, huh? They fired so many of my friends and got in so many new people. Well, they got good people on there, right? Good people, but you can see what they did. They were trying to go full woke, and then they were like, fuck this. Well, Veronica is fucking so talented. She's so good. Cam is talented.

They didn't take her before. Now they took her. Well, yeah, because they did they do that they do. Mikey Day, I think he auditioned like 30 fucking times. I mean, they put a lot of people through the ring. singer man yeah but Veronica's great Cam's great and then that kid Tommy Brennan that kid's fucking great

Tommy Tommy is gonna be on screen and his girlfriend is in the writer's room how cute is that cute isn't that cute there's another relationship like that that's flipped the girl is on is on and the boys the writer's room that's so cute I would never want to do that show yeah yeah we're talking about that like fucking Obama while they're doing that show

it is truly crazy they're like 19 and going gray Trump is the only one that went to office and got younger as he got older. Every other president aged, he's like, I'm getting better. He got better. I'm getting better every day. He looks, I'm younger than I was. It is crazy.

He's the only president where they visibly, Obama, you're like, damn, dude, that guy. When they show the timeline, you're like, I saw a man get old. Oh, it's the craziest. There's a YouTube video of him like, you see him time lapse into an old stressed man. And then you see fucking Trump. You're like, duh, dude. He's like, dipped. He's pickled.

The guy didn't age it. He looks the exact same. because he's spending all the time in office getting procedures probably hell yeah dude wouldn't you that's what the oval office is for totally zip me up would you what if you were going to get a very uh a very invasive procedure what would you get i would i would get it's a great question i would get all of the extra skin on my body removed all of it you could do that i already did it i did it to my stomach but i would get it everywhere i'd get it all you did tummy tuck i did a mini tummy tuck

It was it painful Afterwards Yeah it hurts I was asleep For other dinner It's very bad You get all loose skin You're too young to have that though

You're too young but I was so fat That's why I haven't You weren't ever that fat Huge You know this You weren't like Huge You weren't obese dude

I had type 2 diabetes A lot of people Have half of America's got that That's just because of the food we eat Not the size you were 200 pounds in 6th grade I'm 200 pounds now In 6th grade

I was 5-2 or whatever That's huge I had this This. Yeah, you had the bulbous. Wipe it. Oh, no, you had to wipe it underneath. Yeah.

Baby wipes. Yeah. Thighs. Huge. What do you think that's, what do you think that's from? Trauma? Why did I eat so much?

Yeah. I was on a huge amount of medication because I wanted to kill myself. Hell yeah. Who doesn't? And I got super fat. And I was just eating everything. I mean, I still eat everything.

I just have to have a person with her. I was going to say she keeps her mean bad shit. She said diet more than exercise with you. What's diet? What does she making you eat? My diet is insane. This is just fucking chicken and run. rice every day? My diet, my particular diet that I found using Chachibouti is basically into inflammation.

I can't eat any process. Because I used to eat pizzas, pizzas, cereal after cereal, and he's mac and cheese. And I never stopped. Cheese, I used to melt cheese, put it in the microwave, and eat it off a plate. You know what I mean? Just everything. And now my body can't have any. Now I eat bland chicken, tuna, seeds, no processed carbs, not even oatmeal. What do you mean? No oatmeal? Still cut? Processed. Still processed. Can't have still cut?

The closest thing I can have in Tinawa and I still will gain weight if I eat some people. Fuck this trainer. I don't like her, dude. She didn't do that. I did that. Oh, fuck you. I know, it's crazy. Dude, I'm McDonald's at the airport the other day and it made me feel great. It's feeling good. I know. It does feel better to not eat like shit.

I don't even eat fruit. Okay, dude. You're pissing me the fuck off. I know. It's crazy. I can't. The only way I can say this size, which is reasonable, is to do this. Isn't that crazy? I know. Coke, if I did Coke again. Let's do Coke. If I did Coke, we could go have the candies.

Let's do it, too. I did it for a long time. It was great. It was really, really good. Let's go back. Let's go get some. I know. I'll do it right now.

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That's Whiskey, W-H-I-S-K-E-Y-30 for 30%. off. This offer is only available for new customers and cannot be combined with other offers. Ginger. I like genders. I did poppers the other day for the first time. What are you doing poppers for? You know what happened? I'm like sober pretty much

unless I'm in Italy. Unless you're having poppers. And my gay friend was there and he was like, just do this because I was having such a rough time. In Italy? This was in Italy? No, no. This was in Alaska. And he just held the vial up to me. It's so fun. I can't believe it. Yeah, drugs are the best. Have you done poppers?

No. It's crazy. I lived in Rottaloid for a long time. I'm shocked I never did poppers. They're so fun. My gay neighbor was always invited me over to the party. They're like that for like 10s. No, like 25 seconds even.

You're like, it's full retardation. Is it like Whippets where you're fucking gone? Yeah. Yeah. See, Wippets I liked. But you can still dance like this. Yeah. Yeah.

It's like that. Yeah, you're amped. It feels good. My old gay neighbor used to invite me over when he had parties. I was like, ah, I can't, dude. They party. And I was just, I just knew better. I knew I would end up.

Think about how funny it would be. I ended up being a bad boy. Yeah. And just having a guy be like, do you want to just stuff your dick in my ass for like a while? And being like, yeah. Do you want to do a drug that'll keep us up so we can just come over and over? And you're like, yes, I do.

Yeah, no kids around. No woman being like, I'm chafing. I know. No bitching. No bitching. No bitching. Just two slap hogs. That's the problem with being gay for me.

you know is that the poop just guys are gross I am a man I see man I live with a man You think Mateo Lane is gross He's femme

He's beautiful Yeah he's a pretty little girl But he does have gross things about I'm like every guy does Every man has gross shit Every guy is gross Even if it's like you don't see it We're gross

Like where Feet Our crevices are feet And the particulars about men are gross Women take care of themselves In a way that men just Don't know how to do Really?

I don't think I wash my legs Until I was 30 I don't wash my legs. That's crazy to watch my legs. That was an ongoing internet debate that black people were like, do you know white people don't wash their legs? It was like a whole thing. I don't think I want... You should not wash your leg. Why would you wash your legs? Now, you should not wash your legs. When I pee in the shower, then I wash it out. I don't. I mean, this is a white people thing. We don't use washcloths. I don't know. I'm not doing that. I'm telling you, it's a, there's a cultural thing. I'm rubbing down. I mean, this is a white people thing. We don't use wash it that. I'm not doing that. I'm telling you, it's a, it's a, there's a cultural thing. white people don't do it white people do not use washcloths we just this is my washcloth that is my washcloth i know i'm saying it's very odd though the internet comments about white people don't black people are like are you telling me white people don't use washcloths you're like we do not it's just not a thing that we do no i don't know why if there's a luf around but can i be honest with you yeah i've tried the washcloth thing when i like back in my mom's house

love it it's nice it's really nice i know it feels like your mommy is bathing you you're actually get your back yeah and you're like whoa you're doing such a good act out right now Like I would It's really good I felt all the barnacles Come off of my back I was like oh my god I've got her ship for years

But I don't even wash my face I use olive oil to take makeup off And then I put it That's it That's like a test Some Italian bullshit I use olive oil To clean of my face

Yeah Coconut oil on the vaj Done You coconut oil up And that's it You don't actually wash it You don't wash the hooch You can't wash the hooch

You wash your buttle You don't put soap on the hooch Or you get the yeasty Beasty Oh we got it We got to wash Oh you must wash And I go like this

I love it. I'll stand there sometimes and do it for a long time. What's that called? Just because this is like a, it's almost like a mime. Yeah. But you don't get hard

from doing that? You get a little blood flow. Yeah. Yeah. What's that called? Squelching? Is that what it is? When they pull their dick

to make it longer? Such a good name. What is that called? Squelching is so good. Is it called something like that? Squelching is so good. And it's dangerous because people do it a lot

because it makes their dick bigger. What is stretching? Squelching. Look up stretching your dick massage. dick-in-large. So people do this to get their dick longer. Yeah. That's pretty, well, I mean, the skin is pliable, right? So it will stretch. I guess so. I mean, the African ladies with the Knicks. Yeah, look at, well, look at when we gain weight. Why don't they do that to their penis? Just put little rings around. Jelking? Dude. Squelching. Put up the word jelking right here on screen. Jelking is so rad. That's a real thing. It's a real thing. But people have really damaged their penises to me. Yeah. Well, that's a penis pumps where that was stage one of that. People did penis pumps. I remember when I was a kid, we found like my buddy's dad. had a penis pump and I was like what is that for? And then we looked it up

and I was like oh it's like it's too it's like the pressure and constriction gets you harder and bigger and it's supposed to grow your wiener apparently. Well it's like when you put a glass around your lips that's right sucks it out and your lips get really swollen. Same thing dude yeah say the word again. Jolking Jolking

this episode is going to be called jelking I've been jelking in the oval office as if we don't care that's just to go from whatever the fuck your dick is to that is not worth it We've already accepted your small dick to then subject yourself to that. Don't look at me when you said it. Look at him.

Sorry, your dicks. But you guys, I know what your penises look like. I know what they are. What do they look like? Your solid Yankee standards. It depends. It's based on the hands. You got good girth though.

Yeah. You got good girth? Yeah, I do. I don't know about you. You got a little skinny dick? Let me see those hands. He does have a skinny little dick. Oh, skinny and a little short, huh?

No, no. You're suffering. You know what? He's actually got a medium pipe. Have you seen it? Yeah. What is it? Is it the, you have a dildo cock?

Like a little Yankee standard? No, no, no, it's skinny, but it is, it's good length. That's good. He doesn't have good girth, but he's got good length. Because I'm tall. Because he's tall. Oh, are you? How tall are you?

His six is my height. Yeah, but look at those fingers. Let me see that. Yeah, he's got little Irish hands. Yeah, you do got little, oh, you're Irish. Nice. That's exclusive of me. I've only ever dated Irish.

You've never dated any other kind? No. But only, truly. Only whites? Only white Irish? Only white Irish. You're scared of jumping over to some other kinds? I can't. There's something about how the reservedness, the anger. Yeah, the anger is really what it is. Yeah. Yeah. You also want a man, and an Irish man will give this to you, a man who kind of loathes you. And isn't close to their mom. Like Irish people are the only ones who are like, I keep my mom at a distance. I don't like her that much.

This is funny because we love our moms. You love your mother. Yeah, but I guess I don't talk to her about the thing. Yeah, you don't kiss her on the mouth. Well, well, well, no. You're saying two different things. We, I love my mother, because she was a single mom for when I was a kid, kid. So, like, you're black. You're like black hair. Thank you. I am black hours. Yeah. So I had a bond with her.

But then, um, but because we're Irish, the bond is also tempered by the fact that we don't speak about stuff. Yeah. You do not talk about it. In Irish culture, someone could be like, what happened that guy? He's like, oh, he died, he died of cancer. And you're like, oh, my God, I never knew. It's like, yeah, you know now. No one talks about if something's wrong.

There's no like, I've, I've. Dated guys where the mom comes in and we're like kind of hooking up and they're like, oh, I just wanted to make sure that you didn't need it. That doesn't happen with Irish men. The mom does it will not go with close. No. No, they understand. They understand. Yeah, it's a common.

But Irish women, their sons, their sons, they love their sons, but they also don't need to know stuff. So they don't need to know. Right. My mom never asked me like, the Italian, how is that everything? Well, the Italians, the Italians are a little invasive. They need to know their god. They're got, dude, Italians love chatty. They're tea people.

We have to know, I mean, every sexual act I've had to vividly describe to my mom. She's like, what is it? Why are people doing anal? Explain it to me. What is it? What is it? Do you spot back there? What does it feel like?

You know, and I have to be like, it feels like. Also, she's gay, so this is so foreign. This is all annoyingly foreign to her. Why are you doing that? That's what she thinks. What are you doing that with your hooch for? With penises in general, she's pretty. Annoyed with penises.

She doesn't get why I would, would ever. Need a penis. She likes penis. She loves cock. My mom loves cock. My mom's love my biological one. The other one is like revolted by it. Clip it. They have a pretty big dildo. My mom loves cock. She loves She loves, she's obsessed with Tom Cruise. But she's like the, it doesn't balance itself out. It doesn't, there's no, the person attached to the cock is so irredeemable. Well, then don't have a guy with it, just get a, just get a delto.

That's what she does. Yeah, it's the same thing. But I like the, I like the thing that's You like the thing attached. The dumb thing. Yeah, you're sick. Yeah, I know. I love the dumb. I love how you guys think, where you just think moment and you just put your sock on and then your shoe on. I love that. We think in segments. You think in whatever the fuck is going on, which is nice. Women are trained to think in the future.

Sort of like, maybe if I put my sock on, is that going to be weird later? Instead of just being like, put it on, move on. We are action and then ask questions later. You guys are asked questions and then action. You guys are thinking about what is it going to impact and how is it going to affect things. We do it. And then if it fucks it up, we're like, sorry. Yeah.

And then we keep moving. The idea of having a child with a man is so awful to me. Like the idea of being like packing up a diaper bag and having the guy, never being able to rely on my husband to do it because he'll never think ahead of time to the thing. That sounds awful. But as like a childless woman, it's ideal to be with a man because they just make me closer to being a man. That's right. Where they're like, just do the dumb thing and they'll be okay. Go do now.

Yeah. But having a kid with one, oh. You see responsible good fathers. Oh, they're out there. The good dads are out there. The dads are out there. that are thoughtful, they're out there. Dude, we met a fucking guy.

The hottest guy you've ever seen in your life. Tan, Cali guy, chatting me and sit up. Chatting with us, what do you do? His wife is holding the baby in a bike, like half a block away being like, we're just going to go. We're just going to go to the skate park, me and the kid. And he's like, I'll meet you there.

I was like, this place is crazy. In New York, he would have a fucking, he would get hooked like one of those vaudevils. It was crazy. And she just was okay with it. Maybe they don't like each other anymore Maybe she's like, look Go find some young pussy to clap while we're out at the park

With her kid with his kids? So what? The kids need to learn how life is Crazy Did he land either of you guys? It could have landed both of us Really? Oh 100%

He was so hot Oh my God Where was this? Down by the beach or some shit? Yeah Venice Beach Yeah Just shirt open

It's a different breed Beach people are a different breed in Los Angeles Yeah Every subsect of L.A. is a different breed of human right? You could be the same person in Brooklyn that you might meet somewhere in the city. That's very plausible.

You will not meet the same kind of guy from Venice who lives in Venice that lives in the valley up here. They don't exist. I've never seen that type of schizos either. I mean, the people on the Venice boardwalk. Oh, dude, Venice Beach is disgusting. I mean, we refuse.

I don't go over there. There was a woman high heels, perfectly normal outfit, just standing in the middle of the boardwalk, going, I went to Berkeley, I went to the same classes as you and look at me, screaming at everybody. It was so weird.

And I was like, I don't even know, I'm so used to the New York, just like, and you're like, sir, you know what I mean? Like they're full zombie in New York. Yeah. Which I much prefer than the just communicating the schizophrenia via English. We're more active, yeah. They're active, they're verbal. Because they're fueled by the sun.

You guys get much less sun. Those people are, they're whittling away in the city. But they're thriving at the beach. They're getting all the nutrients from the sun and from the trash. Like they're kind of, it's kind of like the perfect version of being homeless. Maybe less heroin and more something? Fentonell is over by you guys Fent is bigger by East Coast

We're still more on the H We still have more H over here We're still streaming on Coke and H And we have crack We have also Most of our homeless people are black So they are hustling They have a good hustle going

Like there's one guy named Bones His name isn't Bones I call him Bones Because he has a big white friend Who will run into you And you kind of like go to avoid him And then you accidentally bump bones and bones drops an entire to-go container and you go, oh my God, I'm so sorry

and he goes, you have to buy me more food. And one time he did it to me after like three times and I was like, wait, what the fuck? And I looked down and they're licked clean chicken bones. I'm like, I'm not going to replace your bones, dog. Those are literally clacking on the ground. He's like, no, it's a full meal.

His buddy's like, she found out who we are. Let's get out of your bones. Because the white guilt works so well. As soon as you bump the weird little tiny black guy, you're like, I'll buy you whatever you want. I'll buy him anyway. I'll buy you some fucking food. My friend bumped into that.

guy in Brooklyn dropped a bunch of booze bottles. Oh, that's boozy's. That's a different guy. This is Bones. Yeah. Bones. Bones is a little bit more together. Yeah. I like wheels. Wheels is good. Wheels is a good trick. I love wheels. Ow! Ow! I need something to drink.

Wheels took Tyler Fisher's phone, grabbed his phone, and then Tyler Fisher's like, holy shit, where's my phone? Was asking all the homeless people and wheels goes, I know who has your phone. He reaches into his ball sack. pulls out a dripping wet phone and was like $20. I love that guy. And he had to give him $20 for a ball sack phone.

Isn't that? I would have been like, take it, take it, have it. Isn't that gross? You walk it into Apple, they're like, is that a ball sack phone? We've seen this before. Yeah, we can fix us. We've done this. We'll put it in rice. LA homeless are also some performers, so they want a stage. Yeah, most of these people are failed actors, so

they do all, they have some of them are really hot. Yeah. They do have like a history of actually trying to perform. There's a guy I just saw, I might be wrong with the names. Will Ames, AIMES, Will Ames.

He was an old actor. They just saw video resurfaced to this guy who was like an actor that acted and they just saw him again somewhere and he had gone homeless

again for like the third or fourth time and it's miserable to watch. What do you think in our class would be the most likely to have that happen to them? Ari Shafir.

Homeless? 100%. He doesn't care about money and material things. I could see him I could see him having a psychotic break taking a drug that he didn't realize the power of which it possessed overseas

and then becoming kind of a vagrant loose, wild. You know what I mean? You think? He doesn't get weird on stage. I think he's too lucid. No, no, I'm saying he goes somewhere international, puts away his phone like he does,

takes a drug where they're like, this is going to, the new shit, this is going to push you to the edge, but it's going to be great. He takes it, he cracks. He doesn't come back for a little while. I think it would be way more one of these, like an anti-vaxxer. I think it would be way more like somebody

who's like, or somebody who's going so full Palestine that they were talking about it on stage all the time? Who's this? Who's this guy? There's a bunch of comics who are just like free Palestine for talking about it for an hour. Really? Yeah, and you're like, oh, you could crack. New York comics? Yeah, New York comics that are sliding into the internet world too much, you know what I mean? Too internet-y.

Yeah. You got to stay away from the internet, dude. It's crazy. Who could be the most homeless in the class? Ari also took a shit on stage. Yeah, I already shit on stage. But that's, I still think that that's like an elite level. But imagine if it was fueled by a new drug.

And he started to slip. He would slip into way into nothing. I still think he's so reachable. Haven't you ever talked to a comic where you're like, oh, you're almost off the map the way you're so motivated by this? Like even a comics that's like, dude, you got to post three times a week. Sometimes I'm like, oh, you could be a homeless guy. I'm thinking of a few people.

You know what I mean? Where you're like, oh, wow, you're so into the algorithm. Yeah, that you could get lost in the thing. That you could get something to them. You know who that was pre-internet? The way that you're talking. And obviously this didn't happen. And he balanced his life out.

But the way that Orney was, in comedian with Seinfeld was that where he was like obsessed with the unknown of like well shouldn't I be doing this and shouldn't I be doing this and that's the whole point of Jerry being like relax dude you'd rather be doing nothing else in the world like that scene is so heartbreaking when Orney's like

all my friends are moving up he's like moving up yeah what are you talking about the way that Jerry shuts it down and it is true I understood his anxiety because we've all gone through that as comics but I did see very clearly Jerry what he was saying which was like what else you got something else you'd rather be doing?

Also, the best time in our career was the fucking open mic scene. The stress scene was the best scene. Yeah, stress scene is the best scene. Having a job during the day and then doing comedy at night? Rad. Incredible. A job you don't care about? And you also lived a schedule where, like, you had work people that were friends.

And you went to, like, I went to happy hour sometimes with people, and I felt like a normal guy. And you could let loose. There would be a time where after everything, you could turn it off and let loose. Here, it's like, you let loose. It's all comics who know you. You're letting loose with them. And before it was like, you could just, like, go to a work party and get fucked up.

Yeah, get a hand job in the, yeah, these things are fun. They're gone. They'll never come back. Now you have a special on Netflix. I'm a fancy bitch. I got my dog and my trainer and my special. You're too nice now. It's over.

It's fucking over. I'm not nice. Oh, nice isn't fancy. Yeah, too nice. I know, I have this whole theory that you should never have no money and then a lot of money. You should always stay somewhat in your bracket because I've become. Your money's going to your head a little bit? A little bit.

A little bit. It is. I mean, I was... I've seen people go through this. We've seen this happen to a lot of people. You should have seen me. At Rogan's Club, they had no rider. They don't give you a rider.

And I just was like, this is insane. And Jake was like, Jordan. And I was like, you're right. But still. You're right. I do want my pell of gruel. I want the blueberries. Yeah.

Where are they? That club is such a good club. So tight. But you get in there and they're like, they're like, this is Kyle. He's going to take you up three flights of stairs. He has an AK-47. And they give you everything you need.

And then you get in there. And, like, is there anything you need? We can kill people for you. And I'm like, water? And they're like, no, we have smelling salts. I'm like, I just need a couple almonds to live. They're like, smoke a cigarette and shut the fuck up, bitch. Yeah, it's crazy.

But I do get Diva E like that. Now that I have a little bit of money, I'm like, like, I can only fly first class now. Crazy. I used to make fun of those people all the time. I don't do that shit. That's crazy. What are you talking about? I don't.

He knows I don't. Where do you fly? I'll fly anything economy anywhere. That's not true. Middle seat coach, baby. All the way to Australia. No way. Yeah.

Get the fuck. You're lying. No. Middle seat to Australia, coach, dude. We're saving money over here, brother. Who knows how long this is going to last? Middle seat coach. 26E?

26F. E or F? He takes a lot of megabuses. A megabus. You're lying. No, dude. He'll tell you. I don't believe you for a second.

That's insane. The first class is expensive. You're out of bounds for doing that. It's like $1,200. Whoa! For Australia? paying $1,200 to be in first class for... It's not $1,200 for first class to Australia?

What do you mean? It's like $5,000. You're paying... You're buying a ticket for $300. We do... We go on kayak or one of those websites where you get discount. Hopper.

How many hours were you on a plane in coach, in middle seat? To go and to Australia, how long was that flight? It's like 20 hours. There's no way you did that. There's no way. No, it wasn't 20. Your legs were... My legs would have been balloons afterwards.

We stood up and walked around a bunch. You stand and walk. Bobby was in coach. Bobby was in first class. And you said, I'm going to do coach. It's just a culture thing for me. It's like a way we grew up. We're not allowed.

We don't do that. I do that if I'm going to a wedding, a funeral. Oh, wow. An important event. Wait, your weekend's touring. Come on, dude. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Thank the Lord. I was like, I have to change who I am fundamentally as a person. Who is the hotter actor? Is it me or Brad Pitt? That was so good. That was my seven. He saved you. He was the one saving you because he had straight face and was being like, for real.

No, but we, it's a combination. It's a combination, dude. But me and him are on a team because I feel like we're your little sibling. So me looking at him was being like his dad lying and he was like, no, for real, dad'll beat your ass. But my son always day. Holy shit, thank God. No, no, no. Once you get the privilege of doing it and you tour all the time, it's like it's hard to not have it.

Although, although, and he knows, sometimes we'll just jump on shit if we can't find shit. If we do it, I'll do it. I'll do whatever I can do to get to the fan. to do the shit but would I like to be fancy and be able to fly like private like these guys do yeah it'd be fucking amazing I just you see guys do it all time I was supposed to do a gig on a private jet oh rad and I couldn't I said what do you mean on the jet or they had a jet for I was supposed not for me it was me and Louis and I couldn't I was like I cannot why I'm too afraid of private jets what do you mean because if I were

God and I were and I was like I have to smite one of these planes I'm smiting the two comedians who think they're better than everybody else and not the plane full of people. They go down. Private jets go down, and they go down kind of rightfully so. They do know that. It's a lie. They go down way more than commercial jets. Way more. Not private jets. I would say, I would say, first of all, private flights are actually commercial flights. We'll get into something about that later. But the charters. But small planes like Cessnas and stuff like that, those do crash more often. But they're also user error. A lot of times is people in training. So the numbers are inflated. But like chartered jet engine,

planes like you're talking about with jets no those don't crash as often as people think they do okay they do but not worry about the karma of it no not in the way we're like small planes that crash all the time usually from flight schools and shit like that or little tiny airports that's user of this because they're fucking

they're yeah yeah this is just mainly the crashes are because when you're smaller plane requires way less training and less hours so it's often more experienced but those but yeah the less experienced pilots is you my buddy went to every little flight school and the amount of times like little baby planes would have baby crashes.

Like, little stuff. You're not going to die, but they do have crash landings where they land incorrectly or like, yes, this happens often enough because they're training. But with jets, you're talking pilots that have a lot of experience. I think mine is just a karmic thing. It's scary. You're not going down. You're a good person. You don't

do bad shit to deserve a carmatic revolution. The blueberry demands? Blueberry demands is pretty in the pocket. That's fine. You couldn't do the gig just because... No, I didn't do it for other reasons. I was just going to say, I was like, you're going to fucking do the gig if you, just because it's a joke. Who cares how you get there? yeah no I was gonna do it but there were other reasons I had to not do it

it was good it was a good move I'll tell you okay another time of course it's we'll save it for another time another place yeah but but for now but if you could have a private jet you would do it I want a tour bus I would rather if there if I could yeah this is such like privileged talk sleeping in the fucking if you sleep in a goddamn tour bus and they give you a little cubby I've only done it with Sigura it's the best in the coffin we slept in the coffins we slept in the coffins there's something about that that is yeah well he hated he woke up and sleptwalked and he had night terrors every night. You sleepwalk?

And night terrors. That's really bad. Wait, what kind of sleepwalker are you? I will run around and scream. He just yells racial epith. That's all night long. It's insane. Dude, my stepbrother used to wake up, go into his mom's room, and start screaming at her eyes open that she wasn't his real mom. That's red. Isn't that so scary? There's got to be truth to that.

What did I yell when we were in Missouri? Missouri scared me a little bit. I'm not going to lie. You woke up. It's funny. It's funny because we were in the woods. I love sleepwalkers. Well, we were in the woods together. Like we're out in a cabin, you know? And also I was kind of already kind of anxious Because of all the shit we had going on And he was moving around a lot at night

I was also mad because he lit a fire So the whole fucking place smelled like smoke I was like, did you open the They had a fire pit and they had wood for you And he was out at dinner and I was there alone editing And I was like let a fire And then I immediately knew he would be mad And I was like, ah shit

Why? The whole place stunk like smoke was shut You didn't open the flu? Yeah, he didn't open the flu. No, there was no flu we looked for one. It was open. Whose we looked for one? I came back and I said, did you open the flu? Because it smells like smoke. There has to be a flu. I said, no, but then you looked and you're like, oh, I guess there isn't one, remember?

Because you saw straight up to this guy? I don't, no, that's not true. You couldn't see straight up. I didn't put my head in there. I said it didn't look. There's nothing to pull on. Yeah. But then I said, you had, you couldn't have opened the flu because it's stunk like smoke. A fire would have been fine. This motherfucker, I got in there. I got in there. I was like, did you light this place on fire? He's like, I made a little fire. I knew you'd be mad.

I know like right when I lit I was like right when I smelled it I was like shit Because if it was done correctly It would have mattered Also didn't need a fire was hot out I just When you're when there's a fire

This is your age I remember being in my 20s And be like I need to build it because of my dad taught me how to line it up Yeah it was always fire bitch I hate that What is it what is it now

It's September This was in August Yeah You made a fire in the little fucking August in Missouri I was like what are you doing Anyway we're in the woods at night He's rolling around it a lot

I'm already annoyed I can't sleep And then I hear him And I remember this from the tour bus And then start That's how it starts And then what? It's almost like church preaching

And then it'll be like an hour We'll go by And then it'll be noise again It'll be quiet That sucks because it's like Chinese drip torture Dude it's the worst And he then he stood up And he walked around a little bit

And I did have that instinct of like You can't wake him up That's not good You're not supposed to wake him up You're supposed to Well I thought you're not supposed to That's a common misconception. Why do they say not?

Because it was in stepbrothers. They did a joke where they're like, don't wake him up or they'll freak out. No, that's not why, because I do think there are people that have, get bad panic from it. It's a very common misconception, but you can wake up anyone who's sleep walking

and they'll be confused for a second and then they'll be fine. Don't wake him up. Did you stand up? Yeah, he stood up and he walked around. Drive me nuts. You saw him walking around? So he screams, help, no, please don't a lot.

And I'm not exaggerating. That's not a made-up thing. That's not for the bit. Help, no, please don't. Buddy, what happened? Well, we went over this already. A lot happened. Is it bad?

Yes, it's very bad. Yes, it's very bad. It's bad stuff? Finger butt? We're not going to say what it is, but it's bad stuff. Oh, the finger butt sucks, dude. I'm so sorry. It's finger butt mouth.

Finger butt mouth. Oh, no. Double down. That would make you say the three things. Help stop no. Help stop no. Every time it goes in to a hole. I know all about it, but I'm sorry.

That's crazy. He had a crazy event when he was a young man. It fucked him up. I think it fucked up his sleep. It fucked up his life. But we're working through it. What age were you when it happened? It was high school.

High school, Billy. You didn't do it at all as a child? You didn't do it at all as a child? Usually it's, yeah. Wow, so it's a new thing. You've got to do EMDR therapy. Have you done EMDR? He's going to therapy.

Yeah, but we got him in therapy now. But also, I would sleepwalk before anything that happened. So it did, but it just adds, it makes it bad. Yeah. There's a lot of anxiety stuff, but then that thing's made it a lot worse. Wow. But he was sleepwalk and yelling, and so he was yelling in the cabin at 4 in the morning.

Stop, no! no no no stop and I'm sitting there in bed and you didn't wake him up no let him get it out you're just looking at him suffering in the recesses I was facing the window

when he started walking around I just flipped over because I was like I don't want to watch it because it'll creep me out to watch it are his eyes open with his freaky blue eyes his eyes aren't open they're like kind of moving they're like kind of moving around a lot

yeah they do open and you're going helps up no helps up no in Detroit a few days late I stopped a lot when I was traveling just recently, but I woke up standing like when my thumb was shooting pain, like my thumb still hurts, so I don't know what I did, but I was standing in the corner of my hotel room

and my thought, I can't like go back with my thumb. I fucked up somehow. Yeah, he's a little, it's not fun to travel with the kid. You're a little freak. Do you have a girlfriend or anything? No, girlfriend's single. When you have relationships, do you wake up? I'm always chill. Oh, really? Get a dog, dude. The dog helps with everything. I travel too much. He travels too much to have a dog. He's got to be on call

this guy. She goes with me everywhere. He doesn't have the money to financially support that. He's flying in 26F for real. That's not a bit. He was in the middle. You think we're flying this kid first fucking class? He's 26. I don't know how much you fly around with the pod.

We fly a lot, but he gets a lot of other privileges. He gets a nice hotels often. He gets a nice meals. But the first class flight thing, I can't give to him. That's too much. No. Eventually comfy plush. He could upgrade to comfort.

Yeah, he could. He doesn't care. I've actually offered it. You're a child also. How old are you? 26. Yeah, yeah. It's not a real thing.

allowed to be up there. Thank you. I piss on you. Because I walk by, if there's a 26, piss on you. You know what he's done? Because he managed to sneak into stuff that he doesn't belong or deserve to be at. Like, he's done this a lot. And I thought about that the other day when I was going down to Chappelle's house and he was like, do you want me to come with to film? I was like, no, dude, you're not going to get into this one.

You're not going to slide into the Chappelle thing. Because I knew he was like, I should come down in film. I was like, I know what you're doing, you little fucking rap. Well, he does it a lot. He gets, the amount of shit that you've been able to do, he shoehorned his way in, which, by the way, a lot of times, I love having the kid around. He's my son. I can't have kids. This is my son. This is my son.

He's a good son. Well, it's not your son if you didn't wake him up when he was going, help some, no, hell, stop, no. And you were like, well, let him... Maybe that's a good parent. Let's him experience. That's an Irish dad. That's an Irish dad. Ah, hell, he'll get through it. Let him yell at the wall for an hour. Maggie, don't wake him up. Let him get it out.

No, it's true, though. Well, actually, his father and mother, who I know, they bless me with... I'm an interim fathered him. His dad has said that he says thank you for taking care of my son and I said he's my boy too I love the kids me you know what I mean he blessed me oh that's so you know what I mean he gave me the thing he's like to the thing you're the guy now I'm the guardian if they die

I got to take care of him even though he's grown up well he's grown up yeah but I take care of the boy I do whatever I can he got rid of the mullet he got rid of the long hair he donated because he donated for someone that had cancer for wigs for cancer how long was it was it long as long as yours oh wow down is down to his tits he donated it to a particular person well I was going to I was going to make a wig for my friend's mom who got, who was going through chemo.

And I hit up a wig maker. I knew I worked on a set with, like, years ago, I was going to the logistics of that. So, like, I had her wig size, like, shaved all of it off. And I called my buddy. And I was like, hey, what was your mom's wig size again? I'm about to go, I have my hair in a bag. I'm going to go to the store and I'm going to make that. And he was like, don't ever talk to my mother again.

Well, he was like, she's done with chemo yesterday. He was like, I forgot to tell you. And I had the hair in the bag. Oh, but that's the sweetest gesture. You still donated the hair, didn't you? I was like, I'll just do it the old-fashioned way. Yeah, donate the hair. That's so nice.

You know the funny, the sad thing is they don't take a lot of hair, though. They throw a lot of it away. Yeah. It's like blood. You know people go to donate blood and they're like, they throw a ton of it away. But mine was, I had like 14 inches. It's not how long it is. They're using that extra blood now to cool AI servers.

That's the dopest shit I've ever heard. If that's real, that's amazing. They take. They take blood. It can't be donated because the servers, so they're finding out that it's actually cools the servers faster not to use water because the water just evaporates. Right. But human blood.

or blood cools it really well. Human blood. We will need human blood to cool the servers. See, I told somebody. And you know what that means? They're going to start putting blood into these robots. No, they're going to put the blood into robots. And then they're going to have your DNA.

The robots have now learned to use blood to cool their servers, which means robots are going to go, oh, we've got to kill all the people. And we have their blood already. We're good. See, I said that I could say this on stage and people were like, nobody will believe it. I believe it. You believe it. Yeah, it's rad.

I'm going to say that on stage. Yeah. It's not true. Of course not. But it's red. But people would believe that. Why not? They were going to throw the blood away, and they're using it to cool the server.

No, it's unacceptable. To use human blood to cool AI is literally, it's the step before mass slaughter to cool servers. We're on the way. I know we're on. And you're the one using chat, GBT all the fucking time. Like, you're the one that's in. Dude, take it over, kill all of us. We need all of your blood to cool our servers.

I've lost my, especially being in L.A., I've lost all faith in humanity. Listening to the way your men walk around. I was like, yeah, and I'm going down at the mid for, and the women being like, I set my boundary with that guy, and he said that he never wanted to see me again, you know what, good redder. I like how you pretend, like,

that girl isn't in New York. These girls are in New York. In New York, it's like this. In New York, it's like, oh, and Trump is just the worst man ever, and I can't even believe, sorry about the Jew's voice, and I can't even believe

that he's gonna fucking run for office, and he's gonna make a totalitarian regime. That's literally everybody in New York. But you know how many girls are at fucking nice coffee shops in New York that are doing the same, women are having the same conversation all over the United States. If they open their ears, if you listen to men and women, you would see how shitty my gender is.

Men are literally being like, I'm going to invest in Bitcoin, I'm building a cabinet upstate. I think that AI technology is going to move on to retrograde. And then you listen to women and it's just all about men. Men are not talking about women at all. Men are even rarely being like look at dad ass anymore. No, we don't want to look at that ass. No, not interested in that ass. Not interested in talking about it.

That ass has dividends? No, I want R-O-Y. I need R-O-I I don't know what that means Return on investment I need an R-O-I How can I what can I do with that? You need a hep cap

That's not Merrill Lynch I need to see Merrill Lynch Yes That's the only girl I'm interested in That's what men are talking about And women are all like I saw this inspa online That basically said that he's not worth your time

If he's a bad guy And that's it That's all we're talking about You are always talking about men I said that one night to my wife I was like listen to what these bitches Are they're not talking about They're not talking about each other

Or their experiences They're both talking about a guy that they were both seeing until that stops we are the second sex we must stop it it must stop you said it lady the bechdel test what the bechel test yeah what's that the film thing yeah it's a when you

how women are portrayed in media they talk about men only like if you watch a rom-com yeah they only talk about men and guess what because it's real you guys cut that out but that's biological too because monkeys we had to do that monkeys we had to be like bro that alpha male totally ate his baby's foot the other day don't go near that guy and we'd be like oh my god yeah he's so crazy you don't go to do it anymore We don't have to do it anymore, but we have to evolve.

The problem is the evolution is very hard to evolve away from. It's slow. But some things you should keep, like rubbing the face and the ground coyote. And some things, you don't keep coyote, like killing random people. What do we keep as women, though, honestly? Your ability, I think your foresight is incredible. Yeah, foresight. Socialization.

We're way more social than you. Well, you're good at netting and grouping. However, the women's bathroom. Within those groupings, though, inner war is very toxic. See, you guys think that. Can I tell you something? It seems toxic, but okay, when I went to jail, I went to jail and my buddy went to jail in the same time because we both got caught.

He went into the male jail and it was so, he was like, I couldn't say one word because I was worried I was going to get the shit kick out of me. Not one man was looking at each other. We avoided eye contact. It was all this like violence. The women got mad at me at one point because I asked them what they were in for, then loved me because I apologized. Then we all became friends.

Then we agreed to go have a potluck later. Like, women, it seems like war, but it's just because we're saying stuff. This is exhausting. I'd rather go, that man will kill me. We're not cool. But that's still war is what I'm arguing. It's still war. Yours is a silent war.

But ours gets to love faster than yours does. But it takes a while to get there and you got to go through hoops. Yeah, but you're in jail for 24 hours. You're stuck with these women. You're stuck with those men. Wouldn't you rather talk? No. No, no, no.

20 hours in jail, so I don't want to talk to those people. Just sitting. Thinking about how I get out of there. What am I going to do when I get out of there? You know you're going to get out. Okay, if I don't get not in 24 hours, what am I doing the first thing I do when I get out? That's all I'm thinking about, like, man, I've shit to do tomorrow. What do you mean?

You got to live in the moment. We played games. We learned, we traded salt for pep-pep- No, I'm not interested in these people. What? No, I'm not interested in these people. We're in there for crimes. You gotta be-uddy-up to criminals.

I don't need these people. They're not my friends. You're a criminal. You're in there. I'm not like them, dad. You're the same. You're the same. But I'm just saying war amongst men is way more lethal because you kill each other.

different. If I was in there for an extended period of time, yes, I have to make alliances. I have to form a group. And you know who I'm going with. Say it with me. Dominicans. Or Dominicans. Yes. The Dominicans. Yeah, of course. Get up on here, Santito. This motherfucker's funny, mate. You like this guy. He's going to pull. What? What? What? Show him your pews. What's your look at it? So fire, right? I finally wrote a joke where I get to do a Dominican accent. I'm so happy about it. What is the joke? The joke is that on this, can you? If you want to? Yeah, do it.

Yeah, do it. But, well, I just do an imitation of my cleaning lady, because I basically say I'm done cleaning. Like, my entire life, I've tried to be a woman that cleans, and I got a Dominican lady. So I get to do an impression of her finding my fucked up things. Let me hear you. I'm not going to hear you. I'm not going to hear it. I took her out of your tunicans, and I put them in a little stack.

You said to keep them for your little art project, so I kept them for you. And then I won't do the last part of the joke. Don't do the last part. You'll have to watch a special. No, it's not on the special. It's not on the special. You have to go see your live. Go see the special right now.

It's available all over. over the place. Just click on and watch it. Please watch it. You have to get to the end, though. The big, the big thing is... The big thing at the end. She reveals how big her clit is at the end. You know, my clit's reasonable. Not what I wear. My clit is reasonable. My pubic mound is big. Isn't that interesting? Dude, you should have called your, my pubic mound is big.

It's too puffy. You got a puffer there. Yeah, it's a little puffy. Okay. It's perfectly. Really? That looks normal to me. I don't know, man. I don't have a good gauge on the puff. But some women have the snare drum. Tight. Where you get, cack, gack, g-c-c-c-c-c. Not mine. Mine. Mine is bum. Bum-d-D-D-D-Bum-Bum-Bum.

Well, go see Puffy. Go see the puffer live. Jordan Pufferson. Jordan Pufferson is all over the place. Go to Jordan Jensen.com. Yeah. No, jordan.com. Punch-up.com. Punch-up. Jordan Jensen. If you Google it, you're going to get tickets. Go see the special. Watch it right now. With the end of the episode the same way. Look at that camera. Say one word or one phrase. Whenever you're ready. Crevis.

In here, we pour whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk. That creature in the ginger beard Sturdy Ginger Like vampires The ginger gene is a curse Ginger's a pugil You owe me $5 for the whiskeys

And $75 for the horse Ginger's all hell no This whiskey is Excellent Ginger I like gingers