Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Josh Wolf

Episode Date: August 30, 2019

Santino sits down with Josh Wolf and makes fun of his age incessantly and chats about micro-dosing mushrooms on Mondays, their mutual belief of ghosts and big foot and we call a college buddy to prove that Santino used to able to dunk. TICKETS AT http://www.andrewsantino.com/ FOLLOW ME ON INSTA https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ FOLLOW WHISKEY GINGER PODCAST ON INSTA https://instagram.com/whiskeygingerpodcast/ WATCH JOSH ON CONTROLLED CHAOS and HIGH LIVE: https://www.youtube.com/user/kitboombone1/videos FOLLOW JOSH ON INSTA:https://www.instagram.com/joshwolfcomedy/?hl=en CHECK OUT JOSH'S WEBSITE: https://www.comedianjoshwolf.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Coming in hot. As for now, enjoy the episode. In here, we pour whisk, whisk, whisk, to whiskey ginger my guest today is one of my favorite Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on earth. I say that for all my guests, but I mean it once again. Today, Josh Wolfe. What's happening, man? Dude, cheers, dude.

Cheers. Cheers to you. This is crazy, the tequila. Yeah, so... I don't really drink. Unlike the normal guests of the show, Josh is having himself some tequila because he's of Mexican descent. Yes, I am.

Josh. Did you? Josh Wolf. Lobo. Lobo? Yeah. It means wolf? Yeah.

I don't speak Spanish. I'm from Chicago. Can I tell you, man, the very first TV gig I ever, comedy gig I ever had. We're also stoned, by the way, so just if that messes anything up, you'll know why it's gonna go a little bit slower. He was telling me. He was also stoned, by the way. So just if that messes anything up, you'll know why it's going to go a little bit slower.

He was telling me. He was like, hey, dog. This is early, early on. Hey, cocksucker. Hey, cocksucker. Hey. And he had a buddy who, for like, I think it was Univision.

It's called Univision. Okay. They were doing, but it meant not to be Univision, but it was something like that. Hispanic channel. Okay. And they were doing a comedy show. Love it be Univision, but it was something like that, a Hispanic channel. Okay. And they were doing a comedy show. Love it.

For Latino comics. Mm-hmm. And you would get, I think you get paid $375. How long ago was this? Oh, fuck, man. Shit. 12, 15, 20, like give us a- 18 years ago.

18 years ago. Wow. People don't know, Josh is 87 years old. Yeah, 87. He's a great grandfather. Yes. I'm a great grandfather of grandkids. But his balls are all the way up still.

They haven't dropped. No, but one of them has. That's what's impressive. Oh, really? No, the other one's just stuck. It's one right nut hanging out of your shirt. I think it took both the lengths. You know what I mean?

Oh, right. It's extra long. One nut was like, give me that. One nut was heavier, you know, like on a swing. So it just gradually just pulled. Well, one nut is always heavier. Right.

And it just keeps slowly pulling it up. And it just eventually. Which one's lower, right or left for you? Left. Wait. Left. Most people, I think it's their left. Yeah.

Because you use that phrase, suck my left nut. Or I'd give my left nut. I don't think that's. I think people say right, too. I'd give my right nut. No, I think it's suck my left. Guys, put in the comments whether you think it's I'd suck my left nut, and I'd give my left nut or right nut. It's either one.

Mine's my right nut. Your right nut is longer. Way lower. It's unbelievable. I think that's more like a, what? Your right nut is longer? My right nut. Distinguishably? Yeah, it's obvious. One nut always way lower. It's unbelievable. I think that's more like a, like, what? Your right nut is longer? My right nut. Distinguishably?

Yeah, it's obvious. One nut always hangs lower. Maybe it is my right nut. I'm almost tempted to get up and look. Keep your nuts in your pants. Wait, before we get to- I'm so curious, man. Well-

I'll figure it out. When you're looking in the mirror in the morning, you don't notice your nuts? I don't remember this morning Oh right right right You know what I mean Yeah You're a drug addict Yeah I don't remember this morning

Alright so jump backwards Before we get too far Off the beaten path Yeah Your first TV gig With Joey Diaz On a Univision Comedy show

A stand up comedy show Yes Okay So but the only rule was You had to be At least part Latino You had to be part Yeah Okay So Joey's like You should be half Cuban Half Jewish But the only rule was you had to be at least part Latino. You had to be part? Yeah.

Okay. So Joey's like, you should be half Cuban, half Jewish. Just write some jokes. And I was like, that's a great idea. Be half Cuban, half Jewish jokes? Is that what he wanted? That's what he wanted? You yourself had to be at least half Latino.

No, I'm saying, but he said write jokes as if you were. Yes. Okay. So I was like, great idea. So I auditioned. The guy was like, you're half Latino? i was like great idea so i auditioned yeah the guy was like you're half latino i was like that's right he's like wait i go i'm half jewish half latino and he's like i mean i'm half jewish half cuban he was like okay he bought it i did i would have said get the fuck out i did the whole set i forget the guys that I shot with, but everybody knew.

You know what I mean? No shit. They were comics. They all were like, oh, Josh Wolfe, the half Cuban guy. Right. But no one threw you under the bus? Not a fucking one of them. How many dudes, do we know any of these guys still? Are they around today?

Joe Diaz. Other than Joey? Maybe Jeff Garcia. He's funny as fuck? Oh my God. I mean, I haven't seen him in years, but he was very funny when I did see him. I forget who else was on that show, man.

It was so long ago, but I did another, I did the gong show also when I was really around the gong show, the new gong show. Oh, the new one. Right. And I'm not the old one with fucking this with you.

I don't fucking know. You could have definitely done the original Don show. Could have been, yeah. I auditioned for the role of Chuck Beresky. And you got denied. Yeah. Didn't you host the Love Boat for a couple of years? What?

Didn't you host the Love Boat for like three years? Yeah, yeah, yeah. From 66 to 68 or something like that? Yeah, no, it was 67 to 72. I had a good run. At the Love Boat. I don't think the Love Boat was out in the 60s. Wasn't it?

No, man. I think it was the mid to late 70s. Okay, so I'm off by nine years? I mean, it's a decade. Cool it the fuck out. It's a decade. Cool it the fuck out. You know what happens in a decade?

Tell me. You've been through so many. What happens? There's this whole podcast. He's fucking laughing, talking shit. This is what real friends do by the way thank god we're allowed to talk shit still

holy shit that's funny so tell me what happens in a decade a lot man you know you can go from disco to U2 in a decade

what was your worst decade I think the 20s 20 to 30 was the worst years of your life no the 1920s dude I set you up with a real good joke I think the 20s. 20 to 30 was the worst years of your life? No, the 1920s. Dude, I set you up with a real good joke. Yeah, yeah.

Wait a minute. So do you think 20 to 30 was your... What was the biggest struggle years? Whatever that means, whether that means the business or just life itself. Well, I would think the years where i was single raising the kids that's got to be the hardest yeah and you were what that was in your late 20s yeah okay yeah that was the hardest so we'll say 25 to 35 to you probably yeah probably financially the hardest too? Without a doubt. You were struggling. I mean, now for right in the middle of those 30, like the early 30s, I got some money. I got a pretty big talent deal.

Talent? Yeah. I was going to say somebody must have died. There's no fucking way you got that. Yeah. Somebody leave you some money. It was so easy to trick them back then. Joking aside, it seems like it was easier back then to trick these fucking people.

For some reason, like they were giving out talent deals left and right for no reason. Well, here's the thing. They figured out that they didn't have to. Yeah. Right. Because you know what? You're gonna go if they want you anyways, right? Yeah, of course.

I mean. Yeah, but I mean, but it's the incentive was nice this money was different in our business they had a lot more money to play with too well i don't even know if they had more or they just didn't give a fuck i think i think like the 80s mentality carried over for another yeah like two decades for the business of like everyone gets as much money as we possibly can print because we're going to get so much more and now i think networks are making probably more money yeah you know they're spending less though but they're spending way less yeah i mean as a print because we're going to get so much more. And now I think networks are making probably more money. Yeah. You know,

they're spending less though, but they're spending way less. Yeah. I mean, as a writer too, to get that, most people want you to write something for free first. Are you talking about a friend who's a writer that you know?

No, I mean, you're illiterate, right? I'm just talking about, right? No, no,

no. I actually, it's, I have a weird, I can read, but I can't write. Okay. It's a really interesting, you're ill.ate, right? I'm just talking about writing. No, no, no. I actually, I have a weird, I can read, but I can't write. Okay. It's a really interesting. So you're ill.

Would you rather be able to read or to write? If I could just pick one? Yeah. Read. Read, right? Yeah. I can't. I really can't, which is ironic because I don't read, but I love writing.

What do you mean you don't read? I don't read. I've admitted this on Tiger Belly to Bobby Lee and Kalilah. I don't read. I don't read. I read shit every day on the internet, but I don't sit down and read a book. I don't crack open a book and read it. But you don't Kindle books or anything like that either?

No. No. What's the last book that you read? The last book I read. Well, I do read books over the years. They're in that bookshelf. But I don't like, it's not a thing that I care about. It's not a thing that I'm like, I gotta get a book to read this month.

Okay, but what was the last book? My last book was out there probably, what was the last book I read? Hmm? I read a book, what was the last book I read? This is really sad. Yeah.

Last book I read was, Yeah. You're doing great. Dirt. There's a book called Dirt. Uh-huh. Are you just saying that because that's what's on my head?

I think it's called Dirt. It was in Augustine Burroughs' book, but I don't quite remember. Now you were just bragging. I swear to God, I was. Now you're just bragging. You don't even know who that is. No idea.

This is two morons just bouncing. I don't read. I'm not ashamed. You know what's funny? It's really funny how that played out. It was like, here I am almost shaming you for not reading. Yeah, you don't fucking read either.

What am I doing? I should have. That's the first thing I should have thought. There's no fucking way you read. You're an idiot. No chance. I actually. But you read.

We read shit every day on the internet. But I do read. I read on planes. I read full articles. I'll read. But that counts, man. I guess. That counts. i guess in a traditional sense like you know when i see somebody reading a book on vacation yeah i shake my head i go right up to

them and i go you you fucking you're not in i hate people the idea to go on vacation to be like i want to relax by the beach and read a book like suck a dick i'm gonna go on vacation i want to party i want to go on a boat. I want to go meet people. Like, I don't want to fucking read a book. Yeah, man. But what if that person is like 60? What? I'll still party with a 60-year-old, dude.

I'm hanging with you. You fucking cunt. Yeah, yeah. You know what? 60's really creeping. Creeping? It's next door. It's fucking on the way.

You out of your mind? Yeah, I just got an email from it saying. You got an email from wife being like, hey, what's up, dude? Look behind you. I was like, oh. Heads up, bitch. Yeah, I'm on my way. Heads up, bitch.

I'm on my way. Dude. Wait, I want to ask something. We've gotten away. We've digressed about a thousand times, which is the best part about this show. Yes. But you told me outside on the patio when we were smoking a joint about microdosing. Yes.

And are you starting it again? So every Monday night, I... Mushrooms, by the way, for those that are wondering. It's not meth. Every Monday night. So last night, I've been taking two caps and two stems. Are you measuring? Nope. See, truedosers like they're freaks they measure it that's like down to the fucking no not doing that see i never did either i was i was like i'm not gonna get a scale like a drug addict no i'll just guess yeah

i'm around i can look i'm around this is this This is lazy microdosing. Yeah. And you know what? I'm still not taking, even when I'm taking the bigger caps and bigger stems, I'm not taking enough to get buffed. So what do you mean? Every Monday you take two caps and two stems. Yep.

And I smoke some weed and I turn on a camera and I just talk for an hour. That's not microdosing, by the way. That's dosing. That's not microdosing. I think you're right. Because microdosing would the way that's dosing i think you're right because microdosing would be something along the lines of like having a piece of a cap every day for like a month no no

i dose every monday every monday you fucking get lit yeah and i turn on the camera and i talk now this is one of your nine shows because you have a bunch of you have control chaos which is the yeah that's the one and you do it on control chaos no i do that on mondays i do the show where i just turn on my camera high live yeah i know okay so high live the fans want to know so they can see it oh yeah so high live is every monday you can watch it and now on high live instead of just we because usually smoke a joint yeah now you're doing mushrooms i'm doing mushrooms and smoking a joint and i gotta tell you something dude i gotta tell you something you're so excited to tell me i the high live yeah has gotten me so much better at comedy oh right well yeah because you're kicking around jokes all

night right but also it's look it's just me talking right yeah so i when i first started doing it i felt this pressure to be funny all of the time which is almost impossible for you it's hard to do it once in a while you know what I mean but you asked me to do it all of the time yeah yeah yeah I like this yeah got it right so I this it taught me to slow down yeah that is important and it taught me that you can to trust yourself to find funny on stage like I used to be scared

just to get up and just start to talk do you write on stage yes exclusively do you put pen to paper off the stage yes kind of

so no that means but I don't write it out fully like you don't have books and books and books. I do. You do. But they're not written out jokes. They're one word.

Oh, yeah, but dude, well, that's not what I'm saying. Whether you write blurbs, excerpts, phrases, keywords, that's all the same. Oh, yeah, I have. I'm not saying, some people physically pen it out word for word. Not me. I've done that pretty rarely. It's got to be a real specific joke

but for the most part i pen out chunks of the phrase that i know i want to hit and key words that i know will take me into one of those little synapses in your brain that'll lead you to the next thing yes it's a trick that you learn early on for me i never want to write something out fully and i only put words down because I tell stories. So for me, it's really important that I'm not memorizing it because then I'll never tell it like I'm telling it to you for the first time. That's interesting. I'm changing my words up enough that I'm telling it. For me, I can trick myself into thinking I'm telling it for the first time because it's not memorized.

Right. for me, I can trick myself into thinking I'm telling it for the first time because it's not memorized. I know what the punchlines are, but I'm changing up the words, the cadence and all that stuff. But are you making sure you're writing down the right tags? Because you always want to have good tags. You don't want to fuck up a tag and lose one really good one that you said last week but you're too stoned to remember. No, no, no. Tags

I got. And whenever I get high on stage, I always turn on my recorder. You're high on stage every time. No. Never. I feel like most times I see you, you get high on stage I always turn on my recorder yeah but but you're high on stage every time no never I feel like most times I see you're high no you're high outside of the store only I'm high I get high once in a while on stage but you get high every day every night after 8 p.m I'm never high during the day wait why only why only after 8 p.m.? Because I want to make sure that I do my fucking work, man. This is really interesting. This is something that we share.

We don't share a lot. You know, me being good looking and smart and cool and you being you. Me just being here. For the most part, we don't share much. But, except for nice dicks. But, I, over the years, only enjoy getting high at night. And honestly, it's like Rogan and I have talked about it. He was like, middle of the day high just doesn't appeal to me.

Me neither. I've done it, obviously. I've been smoking pot for 20 years, so it's like I've done it before. But also, I always love getting high. Something about at night, the moon is sexy. Dude, it's just better. Right, right, right. The vibe. And for me, not you, but for me, having a little bit of whiskey and smoking a little joint to me, something about at night the moon is sexy dude it's just better right right right the vibe and

for me not not you but for me having a little bit of whiskey and smoking a little joint to me that's my getaway that's my little island in the sun not reading a fucking book with my toes in the fucking sand getting my cock sucked yeah at the ocean crash i mean although getting your dick sucked while reading the book seems pretty gangster. Really? How about getting your dick sucked while also getting your dick sucked? That's gangster. No.

Someone just giving you compliments while someone else blows you. That's fucking gangster. Someone's like, you're the coolest guy on earth. And other girls are like. Someone just constantly high-fiving you. Yeah. Remember I talked about demonetization? Yeah.

This is it. Talk about getting my dick dick sucked the computer sees dick sucked 17 times and then it's like that's it computer sees dick sucked what are you talking about computers at google but how do they see the way they're made to find the word dick sucked that's what they're made to do it's a dick suck computer it's a dick suck computer made by google yeah the google dick google dick suck by the way by the way yeah when google does make a computer that will suck your dick yeah come on i'm jumping off apple right away i'm going i'm going fucking do you know power book so i get a lot of people show me a lot of weird things in my shows because i like weird shit right yeah you're a fucking weirdo. I do. I like weird shit.

There's no doubt about it. I have videos on my phone that. It's on the floor. Okay. I have videos on my phone. You don't need to show me. I don't want to see fucking. It's terrible.

You don't need to show me like a girl pooping and something. Nah. Listen, that's amateur stuff. See, this is exactly what I'm talking about. Okay. If it's more than just like a girl pooping on a bus, I don't want to see it. What? Who shows each other that video? That's a terrible video. Girl pooping on a bus? Actually, I want to see it. Who shows each other that video?

That's a terrible video. Girl pooping on a bus? You've never seen that video? I wouldn't mind seeing that. That's a good video. I wouldn't mind seeing that. I wouldn't mind seeing that. It's ranked on Pornhub.

You know what one of my all-time favorite videos? Did you ever see Cake Farts? Come on. Yes, classic. Dude, Cake Farts to me. Here's what I used to do. I used to go to Bitly. Do you know what Bitly is?

No. Bitly is a website, a URL condenser. So you put used to do. I used to go to Bitly. Do you know what Bitly is? No. Bitly is a website, a URL condenser. So you put in like a long URL. You go to Bitly. It'll shorten it for you to post on like Twitter or whatever. You know what I mean? It'll just shorten down the URL. I would go and put in stuff like cake farts or, you know, like hot dildo ass videos or whatever.

And go to Bitly, change the URL. So then when you copy and paste it to someone in an email, they don't see what's coming. It just says bit.ly 486912 backslash backslash. And they open that bitch up at work, and they get a cake fart. And then they get fired. Wait, the cake fart, to me... Classic.

There was a couple... Now, I'm not going to lie. Cake fart is probably the video I've watched the most. I don't know. There's one part on Cake Farts that no matter how many times I see it, it makes me laugh. If you haven't seen Cake Farts, and don't look at Meatball Farts or Pudding Farts. No, CakeFarts.com is gone. Yeah.

Damn. Why would they take that down? I can't imagine. It brought joy to so many people. It really did. Why it did. It was so funny. What about it?

What about it would be? Because why? There are so many worse things. Here's the best part about Reddit. There's an AMA request for the cake farts girl. Please. Come on. Yeah, this is great.

Reddit is probably the coolest place on earth until they talk shit about you. But the cake farts, but the cake farts girl please come on yeah this is great oh reddit is probably the coolest place on earth until they talk shit about you but but the cake farts but the cake farts for real they dig in too huh they dig in they're like the rudest meanest fucking they're that's when the you know when um people say that like uh rogan says it sometimes the internet is undefeated yeah that is reddit yes in no other fashion is it undefeated as much as Reddit is the most undefeated, mean, cruel, will topple you over. Yeah. Insanely mean shit.

Oh. They're the worst, dude. You never Googled yourself, right? They're good at it. Do you Google yourself? No. Dude, I've been doing, I started Hollywood. I was here when it started.

I know. Yeah. You were here when he used to say Hollywood land up on the back. Yeah. Like an old country. I was there when we were like, are we going to see a talkie like we you're there when the reservoir was just the ocean yes yeah and now it's all fucking dried out when charlie chaplin owned this motherfucker he did he you know how much land he used right you've seen it you've been by his

house in laurel canyon yeah it's absurd the amount the amount of money that he used to have there's about 15 20 people in hollywood absurd. The amount of money that he used to have, there's about 15, 20 people in Hollywood that had that kind of money. You know, this Bob Hope's neighborhood. He had that money. He lived down the street.

Yeah. Bob Hope owned so much of this property still. There's only a couple of people like that in Hollywood history. I think Merv Griffin, too.

Merv Griffin was one of those guys. People that don't know Merv Griffin, he's the creator of Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune. Wheel of Fortune, right? Yeah. Back to back, he's the creator of Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune. Right? Yeah.

Back to back, two of the longest running game shows in the history of television. And he could also... Who's blowing you up right now? My wife. Josh is on his phone in the middle of a podcast thinking that that's like the normal thing to do. Put your phone up here if she needs to text you. Yeah, I'll put it right here. But Merv Griffin also had a talk show.

Yeah. He was pre-Donahue. He had everything. He's done everything. He's produced, written. He owns that... What is that? The Beverly Hills? He's forever in Hollywood. He owns slaves. That's how old he is. He owns what?

The Beverly Hills Hotel? I think he did or maybe one of the hotels down there but that's a lot of money to own buildings like that in beverly hills man i mean dude have you ever seen the do you know the wrigley's that the old the wrigley's the chicago cubs the old wrigley family the wrigley gum company family so this is a great little piece of history the wrigley family moved to los angeles when the Cubs started playing spring training ball on Catalina Island. Do you know that?

They used to play out there? You can go to the other side of the island if you ever take a tour or go to Catalina Island. Take a tour of the other side and you'll find remnants of like

the old diamond, the old practice fields which is incredible to me. So Wrigley wanted them to play out there and of course that's fucking absurd. Yeah, that's dumb.

Because you got to boat teams out there. I mean it's beautiful, it's cool, but it's like Florida's fine. You know what I mean? I'm going to zero Yeah, that's dumb. Because you've got to boat teams out there. I mean, it's beautiful. It's cool. But it's like, Florida's fine. You know what I mean? I'm going to zero games. Florida's fine.

Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? I mean, it's hard to put a stadium somewhere where I think the population is 3,000. The population is the people that work there. That's it. And then half of them leave and half of them live there. Yeah.

That's it. It's like 19 guys. Yeah. One girl and 19 dudes. It's hard to put a stadium out there. No. So he put a stadium. So then he bought a property on Sunset,

the same stretch of Sunset where the old Playboy, well, it's still there, the Playboy Mansion is. And when you go next time, you'll recognize this. You'll know what I'm talking about. When you're headed westbound on Sunset,

past the chunk of Beverly Hill Flats, you will see on your south side of the street statues in the front yard, like a guy running, a dog, animals. You see it for like a quarter of a mile. That's all the Wrigley family estate. That whole chunk of fucking Sunset. Still?

Still, dude. They still own that fucking bitch. When you drive on Sunset and you see those bullshit creepy statues, that's the Wrigley family. That whole fucking thing. All the hedges all the way down to the next street. It's huge, dude. That is a lot of fucking property for that area.

Too much. It's insane. So that's what you're saying is right. For that area? Oh my God. It must, I mean, I don't know, $150 million? I have no idea. At least.

At least, right? 200? I have no idea. Oh my God. Well, I mean. It never stops. They should probably give us one of those houses. Hey, listen. I'm just gonna. They're all dead, dude. They're I mean... It never stops. They should probably give us one of those houses. Hey, listen, I'm just going to...

They're all dead, dude. They're dead? They're all dead. So who's in the house? Us. Exactly. Let's go. The statues.

Did the statues kill them? They let the statues run around. Let me ask you, man. Yeah. Okay. Do I believe in ghosts? Of course I believe in ghosts. You do believe in ghosts, right?

No, ask me what you're going to ask me. Wait, do you believe in ghosts? A hundred percent. Okay. Do you believe in... I believe... How about ghosts you do believe in ghosts no ask me what you're gonna ask me wait do you believe in ghosts 100 okay do you believe in i believe how about this i believe in the super i believe in supernatural spirits a whole yeah i don't know ghost is ghost has become a lame word that's associated with like rank the white sheet you know rank them in what you think the order of they could exist okay ghost, right? Spirit, yeah. Spirit, yum. Aliens. Both obviously real.

Bigfoot. 100% real. Loch Ness. Loch Ness is real. I've actually seen it. It's just a quarter of the size of what you think it is. Okay. And the Yeti, the white Sasquatch.

It's like the white Bigfoot. Yeah, right. It's the the white Bigfoot. Yeah. Right. Yeah. It's the Puritan. It's the white power. Yeah. Yeah.

It's the albino Bigfoot. Um, so rank them in the order of which ones you think are most likely to exist. Okay. Literally. I'm going to ruin your game because I'm telling you literally, I'm not kidding. Yeah.

I believe in literally all of those things. No, you look at me. Look at me. Look at me. You do not look at me. Here me look at me you do not look at me here's why i'll give you one piece of proof okay there are civilizations yeah on this planet earth yeah as developed as we are yeah where we find as in recent history as in the last fucking

50 years who have never seen or heard other humans before we found isolated tribes on this fucking globe in current fucking time that still haven't had communication with humans. So I'm saying if that's possible, then fucking anything. Then of course there's going to be

a beast out there I've never seen. Of course there's something in the ocean that I don't know exists. No, no, no. First of all, the Loch Ness

isn't in the ocean. It's in that one little, it's in a fucking lake. Okay, that's my, okay, then that's one lower on the list. Okay. Because I believe it's in, I believe it't in the ocean. It's in that one little, it's in a fucking lake. Okay, that's my, okay. Then that's one lower on the list. Okay. Because I believe it's in the ocean.

I just don't think it's in a lake. Okay, okay. Because the ocean's endless. So yes, is there a Loch Ness dinosaur in the ocean? There are 100% chance things at the bottom of the ocean that we've never seen before. Yeah, that are the size of fucking Loch Ness. They're enormous. Yeah, sperm whales are the size of like 10 city buses yeah yeah sperm whales are enormous so do I believe in a fucking dinosaur at the bottom yeah sure yeah but we've okay so in the ocean there may

there are definitely things but a Bigfoot let me just ask you this yes there's a Bigfoot okay let me ask you this how come we've never found a Bigfoot bone? We found bones for every other thing. Because we've never found Bigfoot. Once you find where he is, you'll find where his species lives. I don't know where they fucking live. But people say they're in the forest. Yeah, forest. There's a lot of forest.

There's a lot of forest. Forests are burning right now at a rapid rate. And nobody's ever found a fucking carcass? No, dude. That's my... Listen. Bigfoot is one thing. It's lived a thousand years.

Oh, it's only one Bigfoot? Yeah. Oh. Got it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I'm on board for the ghost, man.

Ghost number one. 100%. My most... How about this? Actually, the most obvious to me are aliens. 100% are aliens. My dad recently got into fucking Ancient Aliens. It's like the coolest thing.

What does it mean, Ancient Aliens? You never seen the show Ancient Aliens? No. Undiscovered? Take a hike, pal. What the fuck? Wait, does that guy have hair like I showed you earlier? Ancient Aliens is a show that's been on for like 15 fucking seasons,

and it's the exploration of things like the pyramids and why they think a lot of them were built by aliens. Did you see? Because they physically couldn't fucking be built by humans. It's impossible. Did you see the article? It's like Sam Tripoli's wet dream. Did you see the article that said that answers to aliens are behind the face of the Sphinx

and that you're supposed to be able to pull- The Sphinx's head away? Pull the mask away. Mask. Or whatever that fucking thing is. Wait a second. I was reading. It freaked me the fuck out.

And of course, the people are- See, this is the problem you just you said i was reading and we know that we don't read well yeah this is why we can't communicate back to the shit that we read no listen because i'm gonna i'm like i'm gonna what am i gonna google i don't want you i don't want you to get on that google face because we're a little stoned and drunk and that's gonna get you will never you'll never get off your phone can i you'll be on there for a day my my son so one time he was like, hey, I got to Google something. I said, okay.

Your son? Yeah. The one that I know? Yeah. I handed him my phone. This is when he was probably 17 years old. Him and his buddy, they were having dinner at the house. And he goes, oh, what the hell?

And I go, what? He goes, look at your last Google search. And it just said gorilla diarrhea you think because you had it i know because i was like i wonder what it looks like yeah yeah i've been there i've been there i wonder what it fucking looks like i'm like do they does it do do they because they usually have such a non-expressive look on their face when they shit.

Yeah, they kind of stare right at you. and I was like, I wonder if that, can you do the same thing when it hurts, you know? So I was like,

maybe the diarrhea. I would say, I would say, I would say, instead of diarrhea, I would write gorilla constipation. Oh,

yeah. That'd be even more intriguing to me. That would be. A gorilla like Trying to take a grumper Really with furrowed brow Yeah

Just But yeah So it was That wasn't embarrassing Yeah You've had a lot of Embarrassing moments Over the course of your life though

A lot in front of my kids too Yeah A lot in front of my kids I want to ask you something Yeah Did you watch Chappelle's special? I'm hot on this topic because it just happened. I have not watched it yet.

I'm planning on watching it tonight. Do you have interest in it at all? Oh, 100%. Okay. I have read some of the... Reviews? And concerns. What are the concerns?

That it's misogynistic. Yeah, sure. I saw that article on Vice. Yeah. I tweeted out about Vice the other day Vice Vice these group of

these group of cucky fucking nonsense morons these fucking losers at Vice first of all tweeted an article early in the day

that said who is this Sebastian Maniscalco guy and why should he be hosting the MTV movie it's the fucking one of the biggest comics in the world

I know and I said that because I was annoyed on Instagram I posted that I go what like one of literally the best in the world i know but and i said that because i was annoyed on instagram i posted i go what like one of literally the best living comics right now yeah and then i also thought what's more effective is to say scratch what i think about him as a comedian go look at the fuck go look at his the touring dude like who is he he sold a madison fucking square garden what do you mean who is he it's not like there's a guy didn't he do it two times I think he did it more than that I think he did it a few times

but it's just like I just I can't anyway Vice then tweeted out an article later that afternoon that said why the Chappelle special

is worth skipping like who the fuck is this even if you hate his material the the

to even like just go fuck this guy it's that's why in my opinion it's worth watching because it's controversial so people that don't agree with him should watch it then we have fucking things to talk about yeah and and by the way everybody there are no topics off limits also there's no topics that haven't been fucking touched and also like everything has been done in every brutal way nothing is that offensive but but that that it's that it's gonna like here's what gets me the most shock shock you what gets me the most is that so people get a they're okay

laughing at a certain group but they're it to me if you're okay laughing at one group you have to be okay laughing at all the groups at everybody 100 so if you're okay laughing at one group, you have to be okay laughing at everybody. At all the groups. At everybody. 100%. So if you're gonna laugh at a Donald Trump joke because you don't like him, someone gets to laugh at whatever you're sensitive about. Yeah, somebody gets to laugh at a Hillary Clinton joke or a Joe Biden joke because

that's the way the balance of the world should work. Yeah, or... Also, they're both probably fucking funny. And if they're funny, who gives a shit? But like, if you're laughing at somebody else being insulted, you have to be okay

with people laughing at you. That's it. That's it. I enjoy, as you probably like that, because I enjoy laughing at myself. I don't laugh at myself as much as you do.

I love it then. Because I think I have more brain power. No, I... I think you're dumber than me and you laugh at myself as much as you do. I love it, man. Because I think I have more brain power. No. I think you're dumber than me and you laugh at yourself more. Listen, that's a strong possibility. But you know what? I'll tell you something else. Going through life a little dumb is probably a lot more fun.

Can I tell you? It looks good on you. It's so fun, man. You know, because listen. You're the most passive, cool, sweet that i know that isn't that it still has it together like i know cool cool dudes who are smooth but i also i'm scared that that's like that guy fucking could he's gonna die alone because he's gonna go off the rails you know what i mean like he's a cool hippie he loves to travel yeah but he's a fucking psychopath

you really still have it together i still got it together for a little bit you wear uh these bracelets which i'm adamantly against male bracelets but but for the most part you have it together you know what would your grandfather have said if he saw you let me let me tell you something if your granddad was like joshie what is this i you know what i would tell him i'll tell you exactly what i would tell him. I'd say, listen to you. Listen. Listen, you listen. Listen, you listen. I would tell him, you use a handkerchief, you gross motherfucker. Yeah, go ahead. You can't say shit to me. You blow snot and then you put it in your pocket.

My dad does that. That is the gross. It used to be a sign of a gent. You ever see someone sneeze and someone take a handkerchief out of the pocket and offer it to them? You're like, are you out of your fucking mind? You know what the worst part is? My dad, he washes it with other stuff. No.

You're getting boogers on your clothes. No. You're getting boogers on your clothes. By the way, you don't sneeze in something and then put it back in your fucking pocket. So you're criticizing... I get it.

You're criticizing Granddad for that. But what do these bracelets mean to you? Or is this just rope that you put on in the morning? Well, I'll tell you what. Josh is wearing two different bracelets for people that can't see. One of them looks like

Cat5 wire and the other one looks like and the other one looks like mini anal beads. He's wrapped mini anal beads in Cat5 wire. Okay, well you got one of them right. So is this religious at all?

Am I stepping on any heartfelt toes? No, man. And even if you were, it wouldn't matter. I know. You got a good sense of humor. So these are just because two places that I went with Beth. Right. Your wife.

Yeah. People don't know. Yeah. We had a great time. We went to Stagecoach and hung out in Palm Springs for a couple days. Country music fan. Yeah. I like music. Got it.

Continue. I like festivals, right? Because you can take mushrooms to the festivals. Ah. You know what I'm saying? You can also do them at your house. Yeah, I wish I'd do

every Monday, everybody. But there was this lady who was making her own shit. At stagecoaches, you made those? Inch, so we bought some. That's sweet. Okay, what are the beads for?

And the beads, we had a great time in La Jolla a couple weeks ago and so we were down the beach and this dude was making these and beth bottom you're a sweet guy i really no you really you really are a sweet guy was it your influence the beads but did she want them or you wanted them she said i'm gonna buy some beads and i want you to wear them as well she was like these will look good on you i was like perfect this is the big difference between you and I. Yeah. Of all the things we don't have in common and now another thing we don't have in common.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was at the beach and my wife was like, hey, let me buy you these fucking beads for a bracelet. I'd be like, I'll fucking hit you in the face. I'm not wearing beads, lady. fuck take a hike lady it's next no i get it i get it you know what you're a committed sweet dude and you you're the kind of guy you're the kind of guy yeah and this is what i it's commendable about you i'm being serious i'm being serious you would sacrifice a little bit of male ego for the sake of the crew. Listen, man.

You're the kind of guy that when somebody goes, I'm going down to the thing and everyone at the fucking campfire is like, I'm not going down to the ocean. Mike, it's crazy. It's cold.

It's fucking da-da-da. The tide is high. You're like, Mike, I'll go fucking down. I'll go down. Yes, that's what I like about you. Yeah. That is genuinely what I like about you.

I appreciate that. You're a guy that, I would like to travel with you because i would love to go on vacation because you'd be down if i said you want to do it you'd do it and you and i could dare you to you're childish enough that if i said jump off this thing you'd do it okay that's the bad part because i have three older brothers that that gene is that i can see art has never left me like i i i don't like even when my son, when he would challenge me a little bit, I don't like to lose, man. But what do you mean?

Like in sports? Whatever, yeah. Or like a thing? Anything. Yeah. Is your son an athlete? Yeah, he was better than me early. He dunked on me in my driveway.

His fucking nuts were... Are you serious? Oh, my God. Your son dunked on you in your driveway? In my driveway. In your house yeah really

and I told him I go hey that's never gonna happen again you wanna tell you what I would do well I'll tell you I'd have killed myself I'd have jumped right on

fucking Sepulveda I told him I said hey man that's never gonna happen again and he goes I'll dunk again I go not on me I'll throw you to the ground

before you dunk on me again yeah I can't have that in my driveway dear hey dear future son I'll fucking cut my dick off and shoot myself in front of my house

if you dunk on me. That would be the end of days for me. I would literally call the 1-800-I'm-not-a-man-anymore hotline and turn in my fucking life. And they'd give you some of these beads. And again, they'd mail me and they'd ship me some of those fucking gay beach beads. Listen. Do you want some anal beats for your rest time your kid can dunk you're gonna be like 68 years old hell yeah dude

so what are we talking about that's not true i could dunk when i was when did i first dunk when i was 19 you could never dunk a basket yeah man in man. In fact. Stop it right now. Well, here's the unfortunate truth. I could dunk with two hands. Not a chance in the world. And I literally have proof of it. I can prove it to you right now. In college, one of the first college friends that I met.

Get the fuck out of here. I swear to God. Dude, look at me. I swear to God in my life. Two hands. Yeah, dude. I could get up. Look at this.

I'll watch this. Let's do this real quick are you gonna post this what am i am i gonna what you're gonna have to post this now no no but hold on here well i mean i do have pictures of me dunking i still have them in my eyes i have my computer hold on let me call this dude real quick this this will be really fun i'm calling my buddy colin i hope he's gonna that's funny what if he doesn't well he might not be around but if he's not I'll still tell the story sure brother Miller okay I'm recording my podcast

right now you're on it right now and my buddy Josh is on it he doesn't believe that I could have ever dunked a basketball

will you tell the story the condensed version of how we met and what happened yeah absolutely okay go ahead we went and played pickup

at ASU. We didn't really like each other at the time. And you've been running your mouth about being able to throw down the entire time. So I wanted to see it. I got a steal during the middle of the game. Was on a breakaway. And then I saw you behind me. So I threw it up off the glass.

You caught it with two hands behind, cocked it back, and two-hand jammed it. I was as shocked as your friend is right now. See? He goes, I was as shocked as your friend is. Yes! Miller, I love you. I'll call you later. Alright, brother. Peace. That's a fact. So me and this guy, this is a true story. At ASU, me and this kid, we hated each other.

Dude, I used to be a really good basketball player. We hated each other, me and this kid. I met him through, his old roommate was a guy I knew, and one day he had known that i they played halo and got high every day and i was would go to the gym and hoop and i went upstairs to go see if his roommate was there and he was in the room playing halo and i was like where's steve and he's like i don't fucking know we did not like each other bro he was like in this kid he would whoop my ass he's twice my Right. He would have beat the shit out of me.

If we were going to fight, I would have lost. I mean, I put up a fight, but I would have lost. You know what I mean? Yeah. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? In those words, I put up a fight, but I fucking lost. Yeah.

And he was like, I don't fucking know. And I was like, all right. And he's like, where the fuck, where are you going? And I go, I'm going to fucking, I'm going to the gym. I'm going to hoop, an open gym. And he was like, I'll go play. And I was like, fine. Dude, i was like fine dude we walked down like walk down together yeah we did but we didn't but it was almost like but you hated each other barely not not hate but we just didn't like each other you know why we had a lot in common yeah you usually it's like your best

friends it's like you know you fight your best friends did you but did you run in the same circle no this is very new freshman year we were brand new Got it, got it, got it. We were brand new. Got it. Anyway, we had walked down to the gym together, and we barely said shit. And then when we were on the same team, we got picked to be on the same team, I said to him, this is why he said that,

I go, hey, if there's an opening, throw it off the glass. Because we had talked before, and he's like, you can't fucking dunk, bitch. We had joked before, and I was like, come play. Come play. Because he's a really good basketball player.

Like, he was really good. So he dunked? He could at one point in his life. He's not as fluid. It wouldn't have been like, I don't think I could have thrown it. He couldn't have dunked it off the glass. So listen. That is crazy.

I swear to God in my life. So he, dude, I used to practice every day just to be able to dunk. When I first learned how to dunk my senior in high school, it was like the only thing I wanted to do forever. Until I got my third concussion. Dunking? I got my legs taken out from under me twice. Bad.

I got some questions about dunking. Yeah, let me jump forward. Okay. So I'm giving the extended version, but this is real. I said to him, I said, put it off the window. Put it off the window if we get an opportunity. This is real. I said to him, I said, put it off the window.

Put it off the window if we get an opportunity. And I could tell he was like, I'm going to do it just to watch you fuck up. You know what I mean? Like he wanted me to fail. Like he wanted me to miss the dunk. So he was like, all right, man, we're in the middle of a game. We were whooping their fucking ass. He got a clean steal off this dude.

Put it off. He didn't say this part, but he behind me he's he's in front of me he sees me and i go window window window and he puts it off the glass and i swear to god in my life caught it with two hands bop right over my fucking head all right i got some questions about dunk yeah all right that was the bond of our friendship by the way that's like one of my closest friends on the earth after that day it was like i loved him and he loved me because i was legit but i loved him because he was so good at basketball i was like this i loved him and he loved me because i was legit but i loved him because he was so good at basketball i was like this is my guy and he's bigger than you

taller maybe an inch or two and also maybe 20 30 pounds more than me in high school at the time i was skinny oh this was high school i mean i mean i'm sorry college freshman year college yeah did you play basketball on the team in high school high school in college you just ruled that in aural court. Well, you know what I really did in college? What? I went to college for drugs. I'm not kidding.

What do you mean? I decided to go to a... I didn't want to go play... I didn't even want to try to play basketball in college because it was like... The possibility for me was like D2. Right, right, right, right. I didn't even want to.

I sat, real story, with my buddy on the porch of my future dorm, and I took mushrooms, and I said to him, we should go to ASU. And he was like, we should. And literally, a week later, I was like, applying to fucking go to ASU. Because this epiphany, I took mushrooms,

and it led me to go to ASU. Because I wanted to go have fun. I wanted to go to college to... What years were you there? 2002 to six. See when you were 50. Yeah, no, I was just I was just getting into the AARP around there.

Then you first start using your discount. Yeah. Yeah. That's that at the movies. It really chops down the price. There's a 55 and under, right? Is that a different than my price? I just have a hard time getting in and out of those seats, you know? Yeah, no, no, I know.

Old boats. That's really tough. What do you got to ask me about dunking? Tell me. Okay. So when you dunk. Does it hurt your wrist? Yes.

Yeah, sometimes. And when you dunk, has the ball ever come back and hit you? In the face? No, like in the gut or the nuts or anything like that off the net yeah sometimes

no pretty rarely no no and have you ever done that thing where you dunk but your weight keeps going and fell on my back

and you fall on your back so the first time I got a concussion was I went to block a shot yeah and I hit like my fingers got caught in the net yeah a concussion was I went to block a shot. Yeah. And I hit, like my fingers got caught in the net.

Yeah. And that pulled me forward momentum and I smacked on the ground. Knocked yourself out? Kind of. No, I didn't knock myself out. I popped right back up, but I fell down again after that and had to go to the hospital.

The worst concussion I ever had was I went in for a rebound. And I'm not joking. I know it sounds annoying, but I used to be able to get up worst concussion I ever had was I went up for a rebound and I'm not joking. It always sounds annoying, but I used to be able to get up. I could get up and I went up for a rebound and I was way the fuck up, dude. I was in dunking position. Can you still dunk right now? I could grab rim with two hands, but I can't dunk anymore, dude. I don't play

ball anymore. If you stretched out for a couple weeks. No, if I played for like four or five months, I could dunk again. Yeah, but I don't play anymore, man. I quit. We won the Comedy Store Championship store championship league you know the fucking basketball league and i mean we quit because we used to fight who who'd you play with uh the last time we won was me i have pictures of it me adam ray um i think jeff keith was on my team anyway and what's the league what did the comedy basketball league down at pan pacific park is the improv the comedy store the

agents managers oh you must store, the agents, managers? Oh, you must love playing the agents and managers. It's my favorite pill to throw elbows at. Yeah. Like, who else am I gonna,

can I fuck these guys up? I wanna fuck them. But it was too much fighting. It was too much arguing. But is the agents was a bunch of just short Jewish dudes? Dude,

here's also why. The league got distorted with outside people who had nothing to do right that always happens he's a new agent what is he kareem's the new agent at caa yeah yeah yeah the guy from senegal who barely speaks english who's 6 12 yeah are you seven feet seven feet 6 12 6 So anyway, that's how I made a bond. And my first time dunking was in a church parking lot by my house. That was the first time I ever dunked a basketball.

I could barely palm a ball. I could palm some of them, but I could barely palm most good pro balls. Opposite for me. You could palm the shit out of a ball. I could palm any ball off a dribble. Let me see your hands. I just had strong hands. They're not even that big. No, I had really strong hands.

I played baseball, a lot of baseball. I had really strong hands So I had really From playing I played baseball A lot of baseball I had really strong forearms Forearms Yeah And so You couldn't hit a ball

To save your life Oh no that was I could You could hit a baseball I played some college baseball Where'd you play A place called Trinity Trinity College

Did you really In San Antonio I know where it is Oh you do Yeah Why do you know where that is I guess maybe I've heard of it before On Sports Center or some shit Like I feel like I've heard of it before on SportsCenter or some shit.

Like, I feel like I've heard the name before. But yeah. Small school. Small school, man, but a lot of fun. Christian school, right? Yeah, not a lot of Jews there. Yeah, why were you there? You know, to get away from Massachusetts.

I really went down there. I'm going to tell you the truth. I went down there. This dude named Spencer Street. Shout out to Spencer Street. Met me at the airport. This dude named Spencer Street Shout out to Spencer Street Met me at the airport

And as soon as I got in the truck with this dude And drove One of the most magnetic people I've ever met in my life Is he alive? He is not Damn But Wahapa

Yeah Wahapa What happened? Oh he I don't think they Actually still know Bigfoot ate him? Yeah What do you mean they don't know they actually still know. Bigfoot ate him?

Yeah. What do you mean they don't know? He got killed? No, it was some sort of anaphylactic... Shock? Something. The vagueness of this is giving me anxiety. Yeah, yeah. Because I'm so close to him,

I don't want to get anything wrong in telling the story. You're so close to him that you don't even know how he died? I'm pretty high and i don't want to i don't do you know what i mean i don't make sense i don't want to anyway so spencer street met you at the meets me at the airport yeah i'm in the truck with this dude for uh maybe 20 minutes and i all i can think is i'm coming back here next year to hang out with this guy for sure. Cause you love this. Oh my God. His vibe was legit. The fucking best. And then also it was the only place that I visited where I got laid. So I was like,

you used to not get laid. Well, I hadn't gotten laid on a college visit. You don't like, I was in high school and I got a girl in college. Fuck me. I'm going to this school. That's exactly how I decided that I was going to that school because I was just making sure

that's not bad because I was like, I was talking about getting late in college. Your wife, eat, eat. It's almost like they know. Yeah, man.

What's been going on? I was like, well, if she had sex with me and I'm in high school when I'm a freshman, everybody's going to have sex with me. And no one did. Not a lot of people. Did you join a fraternity? Um, I joined a freshman, everybody's going to have sex with me. And no one did. Not a lot of people. Did you join a fraternity?

I joined a local. There was only local fraternities that were allowed. Right, because it wasn't a big, right. Right. So they didn't allow the national fraternities. Sure. Because the Jewish fraternities are AEPI. And what's the other big one?

I don't know. My cousin was in a Jewish fraternity, and I went and visited him when he was in college, man. There's a couple of easy Jewish Greek jokes I could make here. Give me, give me. I don't want to be derogatory. I don't want to be derogatory.

I mean, listen, I'll tell you, my Uber driver told me seven good Jewish jokes in a row. Let's hear them. Knock them out. He told me,

how did the penny get invented? How? Two Jews were arguing over, no, I'm sorry. I messed up that joke. How did copper wire? We're not going to edit that. We're going to make everyone know. How did copper wire get invented? No, I'm sorry. I messed up that joke. How did copper wire. We're not going to edit that. We're going to make everyone know.

How did copper wire get invented? Oh, yeah, yeah. Two Jews arguing over. Why are a Jew's nose so big? Why? Air is free. That's a good. That's really funny.

Yeah. He had a bunch of classics. What else? What else? That's really good. Something like, how do you know a Jew's owned a... I don't know. Something about getting their quarterback.

Something about a football team. How do you know a Jew owns a football team? Why do you know... What's a Jew's Jewish... Who's a Jew's favorite football player? How do you know when a Jew owns a football team? What? Right?

No, no, no, no. Who's a Jew's favorite football player? How do you know when a Jew owns a football team? What? Right? No, no, no, no. Who's a Jew's favorite football player? It's got to be a quarterback. Yeah, something like that. There's a quarterback joke in there somewhere. I'm sure a bunch of your listeners know this joke. Can I tell you something? My listeners have checked out 45 minutes ago.

They're not listening at all. This is it. These two stoned morons. I can't take another five minutes. But all anti-Semitic jokes aside. Yes. I still like you. Let me ask you a question.

Do you remember your very first joke on stage? So the first time I ever did an open mic, the first joke I ever told, the first joke I ever told, the first joke I ever did an open mic, the first joke I ever told, the first joke I ever told, the first joke I ever told, yes. I don't remember the specifics. That's weird because I do remember some of my old shit, but it was something about,

a family member's friend had told me when I was in North Carolina that they have this thing called the three Fs, called fightin', fishin', and fuckin'. And it was something about that, but I don't quite three F's called fighting, fishing, and fucking. And it was something about that but I don't quite remember the joke. Like I just don't. I remember my first set

so vividly. Really? Dude, I was 15 years old. What? So, my mom and dad

had always caught me watching porn. Yeah. Sorry, that was before porn was invented. Yeah. That was when you didn't watch porn. My mom and dad had always caught me watching. Porn. Yeah. Sorry, that was before porn was invented. That was when you didn't watch porn. You flipped the pages. You have a scrambled cable, though. You remember those days, right?

Oh, I do. You see a scrambled titty? I just needed one. I didn't even need to see the titty. Just give me the audio. The idea made me come. Yeah, the audio. The idea of scrambled porn.

For kids that don't know, you used to watch Scrambled channels And you'd watch the porn Kind of jump And sometimes You'd see like a Just a perfect tit And then it would jump again Yeah It was so amazing

As long as there was Good audio for me It didn't matter Yeah man It just My aunt used to have Stolen cable You know

People used to jack cable That was before So many people What are you talking about Back in the day You used to be able To steal cable. You used to have somebody

who worked for the cable company, Jerry Riggett, so you could get free cable. You wouldn't have to pay. And she had free everything. And when I would sleep over at her house, man, she had. She had free porn.

She had the porno channels. She had the porno channels, dude. It was amazing. You know how many blankets I ruined? The first. The first. Okay, this is going to tell you how old I am. The first porn I ever saw.

The first porn that was ever shot? I was in. Episode one of the first porn that... Wait, the first porn you saw was what? Okay, so my buddy turned 13. Okay? And you were how old? We were all 13.

Oh, okay, so you all turned 13. But he had just turned 13. Okay. So it was his 13th birthday party. His dad rented two movies that he would have never, he let men watch. Was it Single Dad? No, no, no. Married Dad?

Yeah, Married Dad. Cool Dad. Let's men. Last name, last name. Miles. Mr. Miles. Let's men watch, right? And so we watched The Warriors. The movie The Warriors? Yeah. Which. Miles. That's men watch, right? And so we watched The Warriors.

The movie The Warriors? Yeah. Which we loved. Amazing. Phenomenal. And then he popped in on VHS. Popped in the Alice in Wonderland porn movie. Whoa.

Man, you've never seen more kids roll from laying on their back to laying on their stomach. Laying on their stomach, just fucking pounding that boner straight into the carpet. Yo, dude. We were all like, what? Did he stay there and watch it? No. He just put it in left. Took off.

Did you guys jerk off? No, we didn't jerk off. What do you mean? You've been a part of a circle jerk before you've jerked off with a friend. Never. Everyone I know has jerked off with a friend nearby. Nobody you know has ever jerked off in a circle. I've jerked off near another guy without a doubt.

I've been watching porno at another guy's house and he's been there as well and I've fucking been jerking off under the blanket. That is... You've never done that? Never. You never slept over at somebody's house and jerked off while you were there? Not when we were watching porn together,

because you know what? Not when we were watching porn. They could be asleep, and you're jerking off, and they're knocked out. No. Never? No, I don't think so.

You're the weirdo, by the way, not me. No, because here's the deal. I asked for consent before we went to bed. I'm not particular where I shit. If I was in Target right now, I'd take a shit. Disgusting human being. But I'm jerking off at home. Weirdo.

Weirdo. It's okay to me to jerk off at a buddy's house. Would you jerk off at Target? I'd jerk off at Target before I'd poop at it. I'm just saying, man. I would jerk off at Target far beyond before I'd ever poop at it. I don't have my seat. I don't have my ass touching where this fucking heroin addicts are fucking jonesing out at I would jerk off at Target far beyond before I'd ever pooped. I don't have my seat. I don't have my ass touching where those fucking heroin addicts are fucking jonesing out at

2 in the morning at Target. We live in a city. Who is it? What Target is open at 2 in the fucking morning? Well, let me tell you something, cunt. That Target in West Hollywood. Yeah. That one.

By the way, that's the place where that bitch stabbed that other woman in the neck. Yeah. That's how fucked up that Target is. You've got to be more specific. I don't even know what you're talking about. That Target. That Target. Oh, the La Brea in Santa Monica? Yeah. The other woman in the neck from just, yeah, that's how you got to be more specific. I don't even know what you're talking about. That target, that target. Oh,

the LeBron. Yeah. The only one in West Hollywood. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That woman, that's where the woman took a knife out and stabbed someone in the middle of

the aisle. That's what kind of crazy fucking morons go there. So yeah, I'm not sitting on a seat that they fucking poop, poop and puke on, but, but I will stand in the room and jerk off. Grab a couple of fucking Cosmos covers. A couple of Cosmos walk in the room and jerk off. Grab a couple of fucking Cosmos.

Toilet seat covers. Grab a couple of Cosmos, walk in the bathroom and do it. I don't think I could jerk off to a picture ever again. You could if your life depended on it. Yes, it's true. Yeah. I think there's a... But...

Could you jerk off to your imagination? Have you ever closed your eyes and jerked off? In my life? Yeah. Never. Look at me. Never. Never.

What? Never had... Like, my imagination runs wild wild it's just not for porno not for sex stuff i i have to see something to come i want to be seeing it whatever it is oh sometimes the imagination is super good you'd like to think so i know so for guys like you maybe yeah you know why because we have brains because you're see i think because you're dumb no because a dumb guy can just like go like oh they're titties but like me i'm thinking about like problems yeah and like things i've got to do okay schedule but let's think about a couple things uh-huh just think about all the things that

you just described who's really the dumb guy you know no you're the guy that can think about all the things that you're worried about your brain capacity think about all the things think about all the things that we're worried about you're brain capacity could only fit boots. Think about all the things that you're worried about, but at the end of the day, you and I, we do the same thing. No, we don't do the same thing. And you're worried about all the things you're worried about. And I'm thinking about titties, and here we are, talking to each other. It doesn't mean that you're not dumb.

It means that it's happier. Yes, that's what I'm saying. Happier, yeah. Who's happier? that's what i'm saying happier yeah who's happier you yeah yeah way dumber though but that's the cost smarter sadder yeah dumber happier that's by the way that's the universal truth of the world the dumbest people on earth are the happiest people ever i think you're i think you're 100 right smart people are sad they're and i'm not even that smart and I'm sad. Imagine a fucking genius. They're just aware. Too aware.

No, dude, honestly, if we're being very genuine, when you're hyper aware, when you have too much awareness, it's a negative thing. It's where my anxiety comes from. It's why I like to be friends with idiots. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you often stutter when you say that?

I wanted to take some of the heat off of idiots. Cheers, yeah, yeah. Do you often stutter when you say that? Well, I wanted to take some of the heat off of idiots. Cheers, man. I love you, dude. This has been great. This is one for the books. That's nice.

You were trying to soften it for yourself. I just wanted to like take some of that heat, take some of the blow away. Here's something I want to transition to unnaturally.

I do have a thing about grown men and fucking flip. What is that? Well, I was going to wear something else, but we were working on the house. You know what was going on. This isn't a fashion choice as much as it was me running around.

Right, right, right. I was outside because we got hit. We got into a fucking car accident. I was outside going to go look at this piece of shit fucking rental. Fuck rental car places.

By the way, you know, I did a good deed. That's something I wanted to ask you. Think about it while I tell you this story. You want to check your phone? Let me just check. Yeah, you can. The thing I was going to ask you was

I want you to tell me when the last time you did an honest good deed that had no benefit for you whatsoever. It was just something that you did because it happened out of the goodness of your heart you were like oh i should do this thing for this person because i'll tell you mine okay um it's small it doesn't have to be huge i just mean like

recently but today at the car rental place we were waiting to get her a car and um a young dude um was he looked disheveled and distraught like he was annoyed and trying to get a fucking rental car whether he got into an accident as well or whatever And he was like, hey, do you guys have a fucking phone charger? Like nowhere near home? I don't know my fucking shit My phone is gonna fucking die. You could tell like he probably also had to do something that day like go to work or whatever And they were like, oh, sorry, man You know, you know, you know all this shit and he goes why I have a cord

Do you have somewhere to plug in a USB and they were like oh no no in the back of my mind I'm hearing this and I'm like they could let him plug into a fucking computer

there's gotta be a computer to plug into or somebody has a fucking USB plug port because he had an Android and I go well in my mind I'm like

that USB plug is for iPhone or Android it doesn't matter somebody has that thing so all these guys were fucking just kind of like, yeah,

it's Greek, pal. And I heard him under his breath mutter 2%. He goes, fuck 2%. I was like, ooh, this poor fuck. His day is contingent upon his phone staying alive

because he's at a rental car place, which means something's not good. Right, right, right. Right? He's got 2% and he obviously needs to go somewhere because he was in a super rushed hurry. Like he was late for work.

So I said, hey man, I probably have something in my rushed hurry like he was late for work so i said hey man i probably have something in my car and he's like what i said i probably have the cube the charging cube in my car so go in my car because i do always keep that thing in my fucking car and i grab it and i give it to the guy and dude the look on his face i didn't think anything of it yeah was like i saved his fucking life and he plugged in he was like dude thank you so much oh my god thank you so much he was so and like that, those are the times when you do something small that you go, oh, that does feel really good, dude. Because I didn't think I was doing a good deed, but like, I just thought, oh yeah, I'll get, I have that thing. Can I tell you something? Yes. It's,

and I don't mean to sound like a dick. It's how I try to live my life. Yeah. It really is. I really feel like, I really believe in paying it forward. I really believe when you're good to people, when someone's a dick to me, I carry that until I put it somewhere else,

which is usually on somebody else. But when someone's a dick to you, I feel like you just close them out of your life. You're like,'t need dicks in my life oh no no i don't i don't have them around you don't deal with dicks no yeah so you seem the kind of guy that goes oh you're a dick i'll never see you ever again yes and that's the end of times well for me because it's not worth it like i only get a certain amount of time here do i want to 10 years left yeah it's literally hours you're welcome it's this point the doctor told me he gave me a certain number

no but truth be told you are the kind of guy that I can tell I'm the opposite unfortunately I'm still somebody that even when someone's a dick sometimes

I put up with the shit because I go fucking maybe something's going on in their life I don't know man like I lean towards the sympathy card of like I don't know man maybe something's fucked up in their life. I don't know, man. Like, I lean towards the sympathy card of like,

I don't know, man. Maybe something's fucked up and they need to work through it. Yeah, but man, but... But I know. I should be more fucking go away, dude. You suck. But here's the deal.

So I'm not somebody who's like, you're dick one time and that's it. No, I know you're not that guy. But like, if our relationship is more work than I have to put in with my wife. Then fuck that shit. It's not worth it. I get that. I get that.

It's not worth it. For both of us, by the way. Right. For both of us. This is for both of us. So you lead your life as someone who tries to do small good deeds all the time. So tell me, is there something recent that you've done that you were proud of that you're like, oh wow, that was fun to do?

Well, I'll tell you something that I do that I would encourage you to do because it feels, when you see the look on people's faces, it feels nice. Tell me. We both travel a lot. Too much. I'll eat food in the airport every now and then. Rarely, but I do, yeah, once in a while. For sure, if I see someone in in uniform i just tell the waitress or the server give me their tab so just tell them somebody they don't need to know who just tell

them or a family a single parent something like that if i just see a one parent and some kids it's not a what's do you know anything for me yeah but they're doing shit that like I know it's like to be single parent but time out real quick because I'm very impressed

and very happy like this makes me feel really good do you do that and you leave because you don't want them to see you

right or do you do the thing where you're like no no no you don't want to be you don't want to be known no the server just tells them

hey someone pick this up for you because you tell the server do not tell them do not tell them I like that so don't want to be known. No, the server just tells them, hey, someone picked this up for you. Because you tell the server, you say, do not tell them. Do not tell them. I like that. So don't tell them. I've done that.

I've done that. Because I don't need... You don't want the recognition? It doesn't help. It doesn't do... It actually makes you feel dirty. Yeah. Right, there used to be a homeless guy

that would come into this bar that we used to go to in our old neighborhood, which are my favorite fucking bar. I miss it so much. And we made friendships out of there. It became like a family. Dude,

that shitty joke about Cheers, it was like, this bar was so fucking fun. Yeah. I'm literally close friends with people that work there because of it. Just because we would

go there at night, have a drink, chill, walk the dog there. It was just kind of like a, just like, you know, once,

maybe twice a week, maybe. Yeah. If we were in the neighborhood. And there was a homeless guy that would save his fucking money just to go there maybe once a week and he would get a steak and fries he wanted steak frites and a water and sometimes a beer if he had enough money but he would always make sure he saved enough money to tip 20 oh my god great right so when i caught wind of this of course i was like

i want to buy that guy's shit let me buy his shit because they had told me i didn't i had no idea you know and so one night they told us we paid for a shit and this is this says a lot about humanity by the way obviously Obviously, I said, don't tell them. Just say a patron here covered it because he was a really polite dude. He was just so quiet.

He sat by himself. And I said, do this. Do me this. If he wants a meal to go or a couple of things to go, just lie to him and be like,

hey, we're closing the kitchen. If you want a couple of meals to go we've got some things that we can you know what I mean and give him whatever he wants and I'll take care of it because if he hears

someone wants to pay for your stuff to go he'll go no I don't want that fucking charity you know what I mean a lot of them don't and sure enough he was like no that's okay

I'll just take the meal I paid for and I'll go get more money and I'll be back next week for another meal. Yeah, man. Dude, it was a testament to humanity. And like he didn't want more than he needed. He was like, this is what I, he prided himself in making that money. That's the thing, by the way.

It was wild. So for. Oh, wait, time out. I didn't finish the best part. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. You blew him. He blew you. He blew me.

I'm not gonna fucking suck a homeless guy's dick that's disgusting he can suck my dick no but my bad the best part of the story is he left

the same amount of money he would have paid to the server he didn't keep the fucking money I paid for his tab and he still left the money but you know why

I know of course but it just it gives you it makes you feel like humanity sometimes. You're like, wow, dude, that's powerful as fuck. He also needed that. He needed that.

Of course. That was his self-worth. Of course. That's so amazing. It says a lot about humans. It says a lot about who we are as people, about this country. Look, we're a little high and a little buzzed, but I got to tell you. No, but that is so good, man.

It does make you, it puts a lot of things in perspective. Because listen, it's just like you, the first car you really take care of is the one, the first one you buy. You paid for it. A hundred percent. Right? A hundred percent. Because you never understood what it took to get that car.

Fuck. Dude, I used to wash my Hyundai Sonata by hand in my driveway. You don't think I was buffing up my Saturn? I had a maroon Saturn that was, yeah. With no air conditioning. Cars that don't even exist anymore. That's how old you are. Yeah.

You're so fucking old, you had cars that they don't even make. What do you have, an Oldsmobile? Do you have a Cutlass Supreme? Yeah, I had a Datsun. You had a Datsun. I had a Saturn. You're right.

Once you pay for it, once you understand what money's worth, it means a lot to you. It means a lot to you. So that makes sense to me. Because you didn't grow up with money, did you?

No. You don't look like someone that did. Me neither. But you particularly. Dude, I love making fun of you it's like my favorite thing on this is one this is one of my favorite episodes i've ever done because i could tell you that one i didn't see coming see i've had a few that were obvious but that was good right yeah that one i didn't see coming you make me laugh yeah but. But you appreciate money. You appreciate things.

So when you buy someone's meal at the airport, you know you've done a good deed. But you also know sometimes doing something when it gives you no literal payback, feels better than anything. It's better than coming. It's like, oh man, that feels so good to be like, let me just drop this little fucking nice thing for somebody else that doesn't really do much for me. That's nice, right? It's a beautiful thing.

And you live life that way, and I'm happy that you do. We should all be better at that. I mean, it's hard to do. And you live life that way. And I'm happy that you do. We should all be better at that. I mean, it's hard to do. But you know what? It isn't. It isn't. Well, hold on.

It isn't because, no offense, because we're in a similar boat. But we're quite blessed. I don't like to say the word lucky because I don't believe in that bullshit. I don't like to say the word lucky because I don't believe in that bullshit but we're blessed to do what we do and have this kind of shit and have fans and friends that support us and this world is wonderful

for us but not everyone is so blessed so it's hard when people are worried about living and I have been there I have eaten one meal a day while raising the kids And I have been there. I have eaten one meal a day. Same, same, same.

While raising the kids. Not me because I was just responsible. I just pulled out. Yeah, you're a smart guy. I pulled out. But I still tried to make it a point to not walk around miserable. 100%. Because that makes it worse. Yes yes but you're lucky you have that

disposition because i think that comes with there's a lot of people that can't help their depression or sadness or anxiety there's no doubt about that you're very blessed to have a positive outlook, but even when things were negative, but don't think, man, I, I have,

I battle, you know, for me, depression grabs me and my dark is different than other people's dark. Sure. But I, I go through for me, dark times,

but for me, dark times. But for me, I try to keep them. That doesn't mean it has to be a dark time for you, too. That doesn't mean you're going to transfer it to somebody else. Right. That's what I'm saying. Everyone handles it differently. Yeah, yes.

100%. And pushes it out differently. But that's because for me, even when I feel like it, and I'm not saying I haven't been short with people or a dick to people or said some shit. I feel like it's pretty rare for you. But it happens, man. But yeah, of course. It happens. But I really do try to just be as nice as I can be.

I feel that. I feel that. And that's why I like you. And that's why I wanted you to come on the show because I wanted to tell you something. Uh-oh. Let's hear it. What are you thinking?

Take a guess at what I was going to say. Something about my son. Go on. That your son is my son. Yeah, that's the one. And your wife is my wife. Yeah, that's the one. And your wife is my wife. Yeah. I'm taking over your family.

Are you whispering that? Because your wife's right outside the door. Yes, yes, yes, yes. I love you. Are you touring? Man, I'm all over. So go to joshwolf.com. Comedianjoshwolf.com.

Comedianjoshwolf.com. Stupid website, but it's okay. He's still a good guy. Comedianjoshwolf.com. Couldn't afford regular Josh Wolf.com. Comedian Josh Wolf.com. Stupid website, but it's okay. He's still a good guy. Comedian Josh Wolf.com. Couldn't afford regular Josh Wolf. No, regular Josh Wolf is a journalist who went to jail because he didn't give up his sources. So he gets to keep his website. Well, find a way.

Comedian Josh Wolf.com because he is on tour. He's a phenomenal dude. He's so funny. Look at all of his videos on YouTube. He's posting a lot of stuff on YouTube. You're a part of the new revolution. I don't want to say anything more other than it's clicking, dude. Like things are clicking.

I hope so. Nah, you're doing your thing, dude. It's cool to watch. Comedy is subjective, quote unquote, but sometimes people are just funny, and you are not one of those guys. It's too easy. No. But you know what?

You gave it a proper lead. I did. You really did. No, but I love you, and I do think people should come watch you live if they can come see you. I appreciate that, man. Go to ComedianJoshWolf.com. He's on tour. What's the next spot that you're at?

I'm in Chicago with Sandy Danto. Chi-Town. I love it. I'm doing Zany's downtown. And I hate the phrase Chi-Town, by the way. What's that? I said it for you. Chi-town. I love it. I'm doing Zany's downtown. And I hate the phrase Chi-town, by the way. What's that? But I said it for you. Chi-town.

That's what I say. They go Chi-town. You're not supposed to, though, are you? No, we hate Chi-town. We don't really say it. You know what else I found out? We joke about people that say it. People in San Francisco don't like it when you say San Fran.

Yeah, we don't like Chi-town. They don't like it. Big Apple. These aren't real things. Yeah, Bean Town. Yeah. Chi-town. Yeah.

But Zany's downtown and then Rosemont with Sandy Danto. Fun. Zany's, by the way, is for people that don't know, Chicago. Go out, see this motherfucker, dude. He is the shit. You will love this dude. And Zany's, if you don't know, Zany's in Old Town Chicago on Wells. It used to be a titty bar.

It looks like a titty bar, right? It's a long shoebox. Such a great room. It's phenomenal. You're going to love this dude. Go see Josh Wolfe. I'll post all his information in the description below.

I want to say thank you to Joshua for coming on a night where he locked himself out of his own home because he's, you know, not all the way there. And you're the best.

I love you. Thanks, buddy. I love you. Thanks for having me on. I appreciate it. Bye. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You're that creature in the ginger beer.

Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the whore. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers.