Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Kerryn Feehan

Episode Date: December 19, 2025

Andrew Santino sits down with comedian, writer, and podcaster Kerryn Feehan for a sharp, unfiltered conversation about stand-up, dating chaos, internet backlash, and leaning all the way into your comedic voice. They talk about Kerryn’s brand-new stand-up special Kerryn Feehan: Don’t Serve Me, finding confidence onstage, dealing with online noise, and why honesty in comedy still scares people more than it should. 🎥 Watch Kerryn’s new special: Don’t Serve Me 👉 https://of.tv/v/ryedu 🎧 Check out Kerryn’s podcast “OnlyFeehans” 📱 Follow Kerryn Feehan: https://www.instagram.com/kerrynfeehan In this episode: • Breaking down Don’t Serve Me and how the hour came together • The difference between being provocative and being honest • Santino & Kerryn swap stories about crowds, critics, and confidence • Why comedy careers rarely look the way you planned them Drop a comment with your favorite moment from Kerryn’s special. #whiskeyginger #AndrewSantino #KerrynFeehan #DontServeMe #ComedyPodcast #StandUpComedy #PodcastClips #Comedians ========================================================== Sponsor Whiskey Ginger: https://public.liveread.io/media-kit/whiskeyginger SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS SQUARESPACE GET 10% OFF YOUR ORDER ⁠https://squarespace.com/whiskey⁠ 1800FLOWERS GET 40% OFF CHRISTMAS BEST SELLERS! https://1800flowers.com/whiskey ======================================================== Follow Andrew Santino: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ https://twitter.com/CheetoSantino Follow Whiskey Ginger: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeygingerpodcast https://twitter.com/whiskeygingerpodcast Produced and edited by Joe Faria https://www.instagram.com/itsjoefaria Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Nothing else. is Reese's. What I'm Whiskey Ginger fans. Welcome back to the show. It's your first time joining the show. Welcome to the show. We got a good one for you today. Like my man, Steve Harvey Duncee.

Do me a favor. Leave a comment down below for the Al-GoRhythm. Next year is a big year for the Whiskey Ginger. We're expanding. Hopefully we're getting bigger and better guests. Comment down below who you want to see on the show. Also, I'm running around the country. Come see me.

Andrew Santino.com for those tickets. I'm in Windsor, Ontario, Canada. Bethlehem, PA, Hanover, Maryland, Borgata, Atlantic City, New Jersey. Then I'm at Valley Center, which is basically down by San Diego at the Harris. Then I'm in Canyonville, Oregon, Las Vegas, and then the Little Roadie Fest in Providence, Rhode Island. And also we're going to be putting up the tickets for Netflix as a joke with me and Bobby Lee coming up soon. Go to Andrewsantino.com for those tickets, Andrewsantino.com.

In here, we pour whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk. You were that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Ginger's a pugilful. You want me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Ginger's, oh, hell now. This whiskey is excellent.

Ginger, I like gingers. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people. I know what I say that for all my guess. What I mean once again today, it's Karen Feehan. I like it. And she's starving, by the way. She was hitting on McCone.

He's gone. I can't ask a young lad where he's off to. He's off to work. We have to send those guys to work. If they don't work, if they don't work, They get complacent and lazy. You know this generation? Of course.

You know these kids? I know these kids. They smoke 10 months a day. He doesn't do drugs. Oh, he's so cute. You like him, don't you? I do. His eyes.

The eye color is really nice. He's a cute little boy. Yeah, he's a cute little boy. That's why I keep him around. Yeah. I keep him around because women and men both are attracted to him. And I think it helps the rapport. Yeah, it puts everybody at ease.

Yeah, aren't you more comfortable now? I'm very comfortable. He's so fucking tan. Yeah, I knew you were going to comment on my table. Why are you so tan? Why are you so see-through? Well, this is how God made me. Yeah, see, this is how God improved me.

Oh, my God. This is fabricated from the Lord. You could have a stronger solar callus if you worked on it. You're going to get skin cancer because you're not even trying. You're 100% going to get skin cancer before me. No way. Because of my solar callus, Google it, I'm never going to get melanoma. I have created a resilient layer that will not allow melanoma to enter.

my epidermis. You are quite callous, I will say that. Wait, you are... A word smith. You're Irish? 100% Irish. Black Irish. My friend, you are going to get cancer.

Your last name confuses me so much. Yeah, well, two people like each other that come from different backgrounds. No. I have to teach you about biology. No. My father's Sicilian, my mother's Irish, and that's why I'm 6'1 and a leprecha. I'm the biggest leprechaun you've ever seen. Your last name is supposed to be like Shaughnessy or O'Hanagan or...

You sound like an old woman on the plane sitting next to me. You're a Santino? How could this be? I don't understand. Now, what happens in Chicago is when you're mad at your father, you sleep with the biggest Italian you can find. Oh, your mom's one of those. An Irish renegade.

I love her. A little Irish. I'm sure it's every aunt you have. Wild one. Yeah, no, we kept it Irish. Everybody's Irish in my family. No one dipped out, huh? No, we're all freckled or, you know.

You've got to be the darkest Irish person in your family, though. There's no chance. This is as dark as I've ever seen an Irish person. My mom, if you look at pictures of my mom from, like, the 70s. I've got pictures of your mom. I bet you do, you dirty bird. Ah, Mrs. Fiann, come get me, baby. My mom used to fry.

Fry in the sun. But this is no fake. This is all sun. No, this is real. I was in Santa Monica today. Just me and the trash that attends that fucking coast. Don't go over there. I just said that to Victoria on the way out.

I said, why are you over on the west side? No, we don't do that. We don't go to the beach. We just like to know it's there. Yeah, you guys, like, and I did a little apartment swap. And at this apartment, the pool is there. but it's in jail. There's no seating around it.

It's just fence. I've never seen anyone enter it. Whose apartment you swap with a comic? Yeah, I don't want to throw her business out there. Oh, okay. That's fine. I mean, you're not giving away her address. No, no, I know.

But she seems a little private to me. I don't care. You can know exactly where I live in Manhattan. You put her address right here down below. This is it. Are you in Battery Park? Yeah. Oh, you really?

The most desirable zip code in Manhattan. How long have you been there? Almost five years. Have you seen that guy that does it? How long have you been to New York City? Have you seen this guy on the internet? Is he Asian? like a rush Eastern European. He's like, how long have you been in New York City? How much do you spend

every day living in New York City? Oh, no. You've never seen this guy? Like on the internet. Yeah, he's so funny. Yeah. And how long are you visiting New York City? And they're like a week and he's like, how much money will you spend a week in New York? It's my favorite. Because New York is the greatest variable of finances. People will go there and they'll spend an absurd amount of money because New York is never, it's, there is nothing, you can't have a day in New York on the cheap. It's impossible. I did it. I lived in Brooklyn. I lived on a bagel a day. In the city, in the city.

You're going to get ripped off everywhere you go in the city. Well, you've got to learn how to negotiate. I did. This guy admitted. What are you using to negotiate? My tight pussy. How much is the bagel? How much is that bagel?

A guy admitted to trying to scam me at the farmer's market in Battery Park a couple weeks ago. Because I was paying with cash and he was giving me the wrong change. I was like, I gave you a 20. And he goes, yeah, I was trying to scam you. Whoa. I was like me? My guy. I'm a numbers girl.

But that's really nice that he told you. That he'd admit of it? Yeah, I was trying to rip you off. Yeah, he was like, I got you, baby. He's like, all right. You got me. You got me. That's nice.

He admits the mistake. He goes, look, I'm going to get somebody else, so have a good day. Right. Did he give you anything for free? No, he should have, right? What was you, like, where you were buying? Strawberries or something? He was a meat guy.

I was getting cured meats. Ooh, you cured meat girl? Oh, I'm a butcher box girl. I love meat. Oh, you like it delivered at the door? Yeah, I like all my steaks. Big beef girl, huh? I love it. Get my protein.

Well, you tell, I know you were hitting on McCone 20 minutes ago. Yeah. Someone's looking for protein. You're on, you're on the move, aren't you? I'll suck his blood. Who needs collagen? What do you can just keep fucking 26-year-olds? I'm interested in 26-year-old men, yeah.

I'm interested in 26-year-old guys, too. That's why I keep them really around. That's my little secret, yeah. Keeps me young. Where are you born, though? Massachusetts. I grew up in Marshfield, Marsh Vegas. You'll never go back.

To live? Yeah. No. Never go back to Mass. You'll live in New York to your dad. Yeah. Probably, huh? Yeah. I would buy property in Massachusetts. I would buy a house on the Cape. Yeah, Cape is, I mean, come on. That's where my parents live.

Really? My dad bartends on the ferry that goes from Hyannis to Antucket, and he talked himself onto the new Jennifer Gardner movie. I have a picture. I'll show you. What he just bullied his way on? Literally. That's amazing. He's incredible. He has selfies with her. My dad's 72. He does not know how to take selfies. Jennifer Gardner had to take the selfie. Wow.

Yeah. I actually respect your father so much. He's awesome. And your parents are still married. They are 47 years. Not real. I know. They hate each other.

And they should. Catholic? Yeah. Irish Catholic. Good for you. Your parents too? My parents are definitely not still together. That's why I'm a successful comedian.

No, that's why I'm failing. Out of your mind. Too much love. Yeah, dude. You're way too much support. Your parents like you? No. My mother's remarried.

It's a wonderful man. My father is a single man now. Single. Okay. Doing his own thing. But does he have any interest in? No, I don't think so. I think he's been to the ringer enough.

You know what I mean? He's done the thing. He did the thing again, and then he was like, this is... I'm out. That's my thing. I'm married, and if this is it, this is it. I think marriage is a one-in-done-er. It doesn't mean you can't find love again,

but I don't know if you want to get married again. Like, I have a friend who's going through it right now. He's about to get remarried. Okay. And I don't think it's a good idea. Really? What's his name where it's his address? Put his name up right here and his home address.

No, it's just one of those things where you're like... It's a business deal. their 40s now so you're like you don't need to do they don't need no one needs that you need you need girls kind of want it when they're young the most like they want the idyllic wedding but i think in your 40s when you've been through it i was like you don't really need to do that dance again do you you've already been to that restaurant right the food wasn't that good yeah just take it to go take it to go eat it in front of the tv eat in front of the tv like you need it dude that's true it is true i mean i i don't know everyone has a different viewpoint on it but whenever friends of mine go

second round I'm always like just just stay in love and be a what is it we were talking earlier about that Paul Thomas Anderson movie one battle after another do you watch I haven't seen it yet everybody's talking about it I almost went last night I was Googling him PTA and he's been with Maya Rudolph for like 20 some odd

years okay partner not even married wow I love Maya Rudolph isn't that great they're having a great time she's the coolest they got a bunch of kids and they just live free and they're not doing the marriage thing smart that is smart when I think of like guys getting divorced and then remarried. All I think is all the money they're probably shelling out.

Yeah, but I mean, I think if the pain is real enough, they don't care about the wet, they don't care about it. They're like, whatever, money is fake. Yeah. Money's not real. Oh, I know.

As rich as you are. No, I know. You should see all the looboos my niece has been working me for. She's getting... Do you do that? I don't like the chokehold that China has on our youth.

I'm not happy about the participation. I'm in. I for one love it, China. Thank you so much. Keep killing us. That's my favorite thing, dude. I can't stop. She's so cute.

She does little unboxing videos for me. I'm supposed to stop sending her Labuboos. How old is she? I don't know. How old is my niece? No clue. How much is a Labubu? How much are those things?

With shipping like 50 bucks. Oh, that's, okay. In my mind, I thought they were like hundreds of dollars. Well, if you're sending them 10, here's the thing. There's like, if you buy a lot of them, your chances of finding the secret liboo go up, and those things allegedly resell for like 500 bucks. What makes it secret? It's like an ugly color.

It's like a different color than it's advertised. Yeah, I have a friend who's doing a full-on pyramid scheme out of her apartment. Like, she's buying in bulk and then selling to us. Genius. She's pretty smart. Is this the girl's house that you're living at? This is the apartment swap. No, no, no.

This is in New York. House full of Lubbubo's? Isn't this just Beanie Baby 2.0? 100%. Brilliant. I was a trolls girl. I had a collection of trolls. Trolls?

Yes. But they weren't worth money, though. Nothing. Not like this. I was an idiot. Right. This is kind of like baseball cards. We were baseball cards, trolls.

But now there's money in it. Baseball cards, I guess there was a little bit when we were kids. Now there's like a trading faction to it that's worth actual. Apparently you have to like watch for the drop and they only sell the loboos at certain times and they're making a finite number. How do you know you're getting in a real luboo? And aren't there's so many knockoffs? There's got to be a million that are fake. Lafufu's they're selling.

But I think you know there's like an authentication protocol. How would you know if you're getting the real one? What would be the difference? I don't fucking know. It's almost like those sneakers. You know, people get like the fake. sneakers of the popular whatever like like a Travis Scots they make the fake ones they look identical they feel the same I know they're made in the same factory yeah it's like bags too but like I can

tell a fake bag you you would know wouldn't you yeah are you a big bag girl I yeah I got into bags a little bit I got I got a few louis I like the louis baton they like the Guccis I like the pradas that's expensive shit yeah I know but they're so cute and they're so special to you because they have a story yeah yeah the anti-Semitism really sings to me mm You know I love it, girl The anti-Semitism sings to me That's why you drive a Mercedes I can't drive

I can drive You don't have a license, do you? I guess technically no Most of my friends in New York don't have a license But I could if I wanted to Like it would take me like maybe a month or two To like figure that out Did you have a car

Yeah, but then when you moved to city You never had a car? Yeah, why bother? God, so funny to think like none of you guys have cars And you guys just drive around all day Where you going? Sitting in traffic Can I tell you how good it feels to sit and listen to music in your car though it's like a thing i remember from high school how

much i love that yeah and when i i don't mind traffic traffic is kind of a i think traffic is kind of like a social lie we pretend as if it's a big bother it's really not if you just don't care it doesn't matter it doesn't exist isolating though no you're alone in these little boxes yeah but we're with people all the time well i mean you're probably more alone than i am just because people don't like you as a whole now you're being helpful we were trying to be nice i take it back i take it back i take it back i don't want to start it i don't want to start it. No, but you live alone. I do. Okay, so that's, that is part of the thing of like, oh, I don't want to be alone again in a car. I have a wife. I'm always with people. Oh, you want to get away from her. No, not her, but I'm always here at the studio with all these fucking people. I'm

with people all the time. Yeah. So whether it's the staff or at our other studio, I'm always doing something, or at shows or at a meeting or if I, so then when I'm in my car, I'm like, oh, this is nice. This is just me. Me solo moving meditation. I just prefer the solo moving meditation, like outside with my dog in the morning, not in a little. little box. What's his name? Mabel is her name and she's elite. Let her choose. I miss her so much. What kind of dog is it? She's an 80 pound German Shepherd lab mix. Couldn't bring her. That's too much. What was I going to do? Who watches? Which comic? Oh, I send her to camp because she can be a little bit of a problem. She hates doodles and French bulldogs. So we send her to camp with the other big

dogs. Does she bite dogs? She's maybe had a couple altercations. You know, we got her a little e-collar. We worked on it. She's better now. Send her to camp. Man, you are anti-Semitic. Jesus Christ. keep lining it up. She's a German Shepherd. German Shepherd. Send her to camp. I see. Well, she's working, obviously. She goes to a camp with this chick named Ebony, who I love. Every time I put her in the van, it just reeks of weed. I don't give a shit. I'm like, please get rip-roaring high and play with my dog. Hell yeah.

All week. Do you get high? I have. I kind of don't anymore. I'm lame. I have nothing. Getting high and playing with a dog is something special, though. No booze either. Mm-mm. Yeah. I'm a tattoo that says don't serve me. My arm.

Because all those dark nights. Dark nights. No, I'm talking about the guys that you dated, those dark nights that you. Stop it, dude. Dark nights and shiny armor. Ebony. Is Ebony a black girl? Good guess.

But I mean, come on. Why, though, the name? It's like me being called White Santino. Double Entente. Why, why be Ebony? Ebony is, it's a beautiful name. Yeah. But it is weird to be, what if my name was Ivory?

Imagine how much hate you would get online. Racist. You fucking, he's a white nationalist. Ebony is such a good name. Yeah, she's great. She's like, I'm pretty sure she's a lesbian and she knows how to train Malinwas. Like, she's great with my dog. Who's a Malinua?

Belgian Malinwa. Those are like the military dogs. Oh, yes. Yeah. She's experienced the military dogs and she's got, you've got to be good with dogs. Yeah. Because they'll fuck you up. Yeah.

Your dog weighs as much as you do? I weigh like 112. Thank you so much. You fucking wish. You crack 100 on a fat day. I'm dense. I'm very muscular. You're like 410.

I'm 5.1 and 3 quarters. You're being hurtful again. You wish you over five feet. You're miniature. You make me feel like an NBA player next to you. Oh, that's good for your ego. Let's keep going. I like that you showed feet on this because the only fans will love.

This will be nice. We'll have to edit those out. This is good for retention. Well, you have a special on OnlyFans. OFTV, yes. Karen Fian, don't serve me. Check it out. Give it a watch.

It's pretty good. How long have you had not serve, don't serve me? Like eight years. That's been on there? Yeah, and I only relapsed once with it. How was the relapse? Was it, was it? I mean, I call it a relapse, but I just started drinking again for a year. One full year? Yeah. And then you got over it.

And I was done. I was like, fine. What was the tipping point to stop? Which time? This relapse time. I just was like grossed out by myself. Were you doing stuff that was unsavory for your own, for my career? Like people like what were like talking shit. I was getting wasted at comedy clubs. Just like embarrassing myself.

Who's talking shit about you? You want to call them out and we'll fuck them up? Well, I'll tell you what. And I say this. After one time, I called the Booker of the Stand, a fat F word. I don't know if we could say that word. Fan, a fat fan? Yes, a fat fan. To his face, like, while I was in a blackout.

And I, like, woke up the next day, and I was, like, tagged on Facebook. I was banned from the club. I had to, like, roast battle my way back in, which I did. But that's good. Season two, Comedy Central. You got to earn it back in. You got to earn it back. And now you guys are okay.

We're great. Best pals now. Did he understand at the time that you were fucked up and that he let it go fast? Or not? No. No, it was brutal. I was not welcome there for a while. Damn. Yeah. I'm glad you got your shit together now. I had to. I'm very grateful for my severe alcoholism. Your parents, too. Well, yeah. What, are they alcoholics? No, they're good. And I think it does skip a generation. Really? Yeah, my grandfather was really bad. And then he, like, quit drinking and would order virgin madrases when we would go out. What the fuck is a madras? It's an orange and cranberry juice or whatever. And we're like, just say that, Ginka. Why do you have?

to bother the waitress so much. Genka? Genco was your grandpa? G-I-N-K-I. That's what we called. And what's grandma? Nana. Yeah, not as cool for someone.

Ginka's so much better. Ganka was a good time. We got him electric shock therapy once he got a little depressed. Had to knock the war out of him. Yeah, we shocked the shit out of that guy. He was talking to birds for a while, but we just knocked that out of him.

How do you think that starts? I think my grandmother hit it for a while, and then my grandmother died, and we were like, what the hell? She was really good, huh? Yeah. She could bury all that shit. Those Irish, dude, they could bury it.

Nothing to see here. La, la, la, la. Everything's fine, love. Oh, do you want to mash potatoes? Is Grandpa chewing on the door? He's just checking the hinges, love. All right. It feels like he's chewing on the door.

It is sad when you see that, like, when my grandfather started to have his memory slip, it was kind of wild. But, like, we all kind of did pretend like it wasn't happening. Yeah. That is kind of a part of reality of the Irish do it the most. I think the Irish are the most like, oh, it's no big deal. Deny, deny, deny. And you're like, wait a minute, no, no, that's, isn't that bad?

And they're like, come on, come on, come on, come on, everybody's talking to the birds. Everyone's dealing with that. But I think the funny trick was my grandparents would always have Manhattons. Yeah, my grandmother loved in Manhattan. It was the favorite Manhattan. Yes. And I think at the very end, he wouldn't know if you got him a new one or not. Right.

So if he said, get me another one, if you were like, we probably shouldn't serve any more booze, you could be like, that's a brand new one. That's fresh. You just, oh, okay. During my grandfather's eulogy, my mom gave it at the church. And she was, like, talking to my grandmother, whose name was Grace, who's already dead or whatever. She's like, hey, ma, put down the Manhattan. It's your turn to take care of him again because he'd been living with my parents. He was crazy.

He hated my dad. My dad was from Dorchester. The wrong side of the tracks. He was a bad guy. They made him wait outside on the porch. Wouldn't let him in. Shut up. Swear to God.

What was he did for a living? He was in sales. They didn't like a good old sales boy from Dorchester? He was just like a little rough and tumble. Like, he just, I don't know, he had like a scar on his forehead. Smoked. Smoked, drank. Like, ran with like, you know.

Troublemakers. Well, yeah, I got kicked out of a lot of schools. So did I. Yeah. Who cares. Yeah, look at us now. Successful on the internet. Show your dad the internet.

Give him a show. No way. Give him a show. My dad'll never find the internet. Do your parents watch your shit? Like, would they watch your special? Yeah. They're like that.

So some people, you say it like this. Some people are like, my parents don't watch the shit. Yeah, like my mom watches my podcast. My mom's been on my. podcast a couple times really she's great Maureen she's a good guest big Moe she crushes what is that your mom's name Maureen Mo Money there you know Mo Money more problems they call her Mo money yeah they call my mom uh Mo she used to be a teacher for like juvenile delinquents oh she's a badass yeah she's yeah moreines are always good people let's see how many

aunts and uncles names we have oh this will be fun you ready okay Maureen marine Eileen Eileen oh I have no i've no these liens well do they're Irish my sister's Colleen Colleen Colleen we don't have a colony which I'm shocked cousin we have kids we have others but uh Sheila Aunt Sheila dead boom mine's alive okay it was just her birthday okay happy birthday Echela happy birthday in heaven and then the uncles are Dan no no Daniel no Tim Tim Tim cousin Tim okay cousin Tim uh Marty no Marty no Marty Mark I got a Mac Patrick Patrick second cousin got Pat Pat Fiesta shows used to run the fair and give us free tickets to like the fair when it came to town and then Kevin and Michael Michael's my

brother see we're in too well we name enough no Bob no Bob no Bob's no Bob is a too white for us that's almost two way Bob but Robert also feel a little British to me Robert yeah okay Robert I got a dead uncle Bob and a nephew Robert yeah and what is there how many your your your mom is one of how many one of six dad is what one of three or four my mom's one of ten oh shit Holy shit. We raised a gang. Yeah, I did.

You were just trying to make a gang in case something bad happened. Yeah. One of ten. And it was supposed to be 13. My grandmother had, you know, like miscarriages, you know. Right. Couple. You lose a couple along the way.

13. Oh my God. Isn't that fucking insane? They just were pregnant the whole time. Yeah, they were never, never, or there was a couple of Irish twins, too. Okay. Which is even more fascinating that you have a kid that fast right after the other one kid. Well, because God loves them more than they love us.

That's why we don't have children. God hates us, dude. Good. Keep hating me. God loves us. God hates us. Keep hating me. Keep my pussy's tight. No, you would be a good mother.

You think? Your energy is wonderful, yeah. I'm a good aunt. That's what I mean. You have a great energy. You'd be a great mom. If you ever want, not like that, I hate one of people, you'll be a good dad. I'm like, well, we try.

We couldn't have kids. Thanks for breaking it up. No, but, you know, I am a great uncle, so I do understand what it would, that would be, it would be nice. I do gravitate towards kids who you have my buddy Joe List on. I fucking love Joe List. That's my bestie. We talked bad about you. No, you didn't.

You said nice things. I'll never believe you. No, no, no. He's one of the greatest guys alive. Isn't he great? One of the funniest comedians. Oh, I love him. I hate to say the word underrated, because that almost like is... It has a weird connotation when you say underrated. But it's not true. He's, he is well-known. I just think like he should be even more well-known.

I agree. That's the nicest way to say, like, people should pay more attention to people that are great joke writers. He's just a natural, too. Yeah, I just think some people, the comedy was... In his blood. He's born, yeah, instead of created. Did he tell you about our workout class? Yeah, he showed up sweaty. He was dripping wet.

I had to give him a shirt. I was like, do you want a shirt from the back? He's like, I mean, that's a little weird, but I mean, I was like, well, there's merch shirts laying around. Just grab a blank tea. That way you're not sweat. I mean, he was dripping and sweat. And his phone was dying. I know.

He couldn't find a charger because he has the old charger. I know. And I had no patience for that. Who does? Get a new phone. Thank you. Yeah, grow up. That's time.

Also, this charger's been out for like two years now. So long. There's no excuse for that. I agree. I'm not saying it's the phone that came out in October. No, but come on, you're going to keep running into this problem. I know. I guarantee, I said, I bet you your wife has the new phone.

She probably has the new charger. I think he got her the new one. That's what I mean. Get yourself the thing, too. You deserve it. He does, honestly. Well, I convinced him to move to my neighborhood. Oh, you got him over there.

Yeah, they were living in Astoria, and I was like, get the hell out of this Gaza-ass war zone and come to the... A story is the West Bank. Yeah, come to the good zip code. Like, elevate your life. You deserve it. You work hard. They work very hard. Yes.

And I'm so happy. We have such a nice time together. Because you said the mom thing, I love their kids so much. You babysit, that's right. Absolutely. I can't wait. I can't get enough. They have a great kid.

You, that's such a sweet. That's part of the comedy community that does go unnoticed. Of all the infighting that happens in the comedy world, it's nice when you find someone when there are relationships that are actually nice that get on. Yeah. Yeah. There's a couple still around. Yeah, we can lean on each other.

We don't anymore. No one does anymore. Now it's this weird battle. I feel like everyone's divisive choosing sides over stuff that they know nothing about. It's just so. fucking weird, dude. I just don't get mad about anything. Well, why would you care?

Why do you care? Why do you care? I don't understand people caring. I think when, you know, what is the old stupid phrase is, uh, idol's hands of the devil's toy, you know? It's kind of like, when you're bored, it's easy to get angry. Right. You're online.

You're like, I'll get enraged about this. About bullshit that doesn't need anything to you. I'm sure people care about my opinion. No, they don't. I know. Stayed up till 3 a.m. and you add a rotissory chicken before bed. Nobody gives a shit what you think about this. Just shut the fuck up and go to bed, man.

Go to bed, man. Go to bed. Just go to bed. Or write jokes. My biggest thing is when comedians get very vindictive or, like, you know, start shit online. This goes for just for anybody, regular people. Like when you divulge yourself on the internet, just go to work. Go do something that makes you feel good.

Either go write jokes for a comic or go build something if you love working with your hands or go out and fucking take a walk. Right. Be constructive. I know. Deconstructing is the number one thing now. That's what they do. They're like, oh, this front-facing video is going to change lives.

Wait till they hear what I think about this. just do wait. It's like, shut up. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. Whether you're just starting out

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That's 1,800flowers.com slash whiskey for up to 40% off Christmas bestsellers. Do yourself a favor and give flowers to someone you love and tell them, I'm thinking about you, at 1,800flowers.com slash whiskey. Ginger. I like genders. So know what? Are you on tour right now? I mean, I take what I can get if you want to call it on tour. What do you mean? I mean, I've got, like, road dates.

Yeah. Okay. Why? Why so Irish about it? So self-deprecating? I don't know. Dates or dates? Also, you're playing clubs?

Yeah. So what do you mean? You're not doing coffee shops? Clubs are the most valid form of comedy, live entertainment on Earth. I love clubs. There is nothing better. We were talking about this with Louis. There's literally nothing better.

Theaters are cool and arenas is a cool thing to achieve. There's nothing better than a club. Yeah. David Tell's been doing it for 30 fucking years. Right. There's nothing cooler. There's nothing more grounded, more like, you want to feel a comedy show? It's at a club.

It's at a comedy club. I love hilarities so much every time I'm there. In Cleveland? I've never played. What? No, it's not for any other reason that it's never coming to my schedule and it worked. Oh, you love it. The food's awesome.

The crowds are awesome. Everybody who works there is awesome. I got to play it. Bobby says it to me all the fucking time. Nick is his name that runs it? Yeah. And he's always like, dude, you got to play. She's the nicest.

I just was always, I always did small club runs. I never did what these guys do. A lot of East Coast guys, they'll do, you know, 40 clubs. Right. I'll do 10 to 12. Yeah. And then I'll work out local stuff because I want to stay close to home. Because for me to go anywhere, it's a fucking nightmare.

Yeah. It takes forever to get over to you guys. It's true. So if I can stay on the West Coast and bounce around here, I'll just, you know. Right. I get it. You guys get to be, you know, you can go to Philly. We can go to Philly.

Helium rules, you know. There's, I'm doing, uh, Stress Factory has a new club in, um, Pennsylvania. I'm doing that. Where? Like Western PA? Yeah. I'm trying to remember the name of the town. Up by Pittsburgh.

It's like I'm doing it the 10th and the 11th. Like I'm landing. I'm going back on the 9th and then going to Pennsylvania right away. I'm never going to see my dog again. No. It's fine. Ebony's got a hold of her. I know.

Ebony has got a hold of that dog. I'm doing a show in the New York Comedy Festival. I'm co-headlining with Stacey Kay. I don't know if you're familiar. She's a transgendered comedian. She's quite funny. Presents is more female than I do for sure. Stacey Kay.

Stacey Kay. She's big on Twitter. She's got a lot of opinions. I like it. I want to look her up right now just so I can see what she looks like. She's a beauty. She did my podcast in like the first 30 seconds. She just starts making jokes about Charlie Kirk.

I was like, all right. You can do whatever you want. Stacey K. I think it's K. I have to, I just want to see. K-A-Y. C-A-Y. Stacey K.

Yeah. She's a babe. She's like six feet tall. But we're doing... And you said it was much funnier than you. Is that we said? I did not. Yes, you did.

That's what you just says. I said she's funny. And she's what opening for you? Well, she's born a biological. male of course she's going to be funnier than me god bless finally somebody admitted it all these female comics are getting strong well they weren't always female comics what did she's opening shows for you she we're co-headlining for the new york comedy festival we're doing a show together november 8th i've been done that in so long november 8th go see

go see stacey k and me and one and only the fee i'm in boston on november 7th where you playing the hideout i never i never played that it's good yeah back back in the day day i did I did... Laft Boston? Tobins, yeah. Of Tobins, yeah, yeah. And then I did Wilbur. The Wilbur, yeah.

But the Wilbur... You're huge. I love the Wilbur. Wilbur's probably one of the best. I was supposed to open for Joe there, and then I think I went to Austin or something. The mothership calls. You got to go down.

Did you headline the mothership? No. I think I just did spots. I probably headlined the creek. Oh, yeah, that's right. Yeah, that's right. I always forget that they're down there now. But they still have a creek in New York, right?

No. It's gone. Yeah. Because she moved it. That's right. Why would you keep both? I don't know if she could find The city is hard to keep clubs.

Yeah. Yeah. That's like you're older, old guys. You were there. I was like, you don't even know nothing about Dangerfields. You're like, I don't. Well, it's Rodney's now.

Is that what it is? Yep. Yeah. I did Carolla's podcast yesterday. He's doing Rodney's this weekend. How was that? How was Adam's pod? Oh, it was fun.

You had a good time? I have a great time with him. Yeah. We align on a lot of things. Mostly. Is that anti-Semitism, kicking in the full gear back again, dude? Adam's fun.

I only did a show one time, but it's hard to get a beat in there over there. You got to, yeah, you got to work it. Yeah, it's like doing old radio. Yeah. Like Opie and Anthony or something like that where you're like, you're going to work your moments. You got to shoot the jab, pick your spots. That's what it is.

Sniper. Not over here, dude. I let you fly free. You too. The floor is yours. You're very give and take. You're a comedy giver. I am.

You are. I haven't taken in years. No? No. You look like a bottom. No, I don't. I'm sorry. You know I look like a top.

Just take it back. A top of the morning, do you? I look like a top of the morning. I'm a top of the morning to you. Oh, do we try to watch that Guinness? Have you seen that? The House of Guinness. Why?

Why are you mad? Because it's not historically accurate. It's not supposed to be. No. I like violence. You didn't like the guy holding the thing? I've only watched one episode. You watched the pilot.

Yeah. Yeah. The guy, what is that? What is that weapon? He puts it on and he just starts punching people. That guy is so hot, too. That guy is a bunch of hot guys. Yeah.

Half of the cast isn't even Irish. You're getting... Give Ireland back to the Irish. Irish. Get these fucking Brits out of here, dude. Half of these guys are from the U.K. I was like, get the fuck out of here, man. I don't agree with that. You got to be, let the show be all Irish people for fuck's sake.

You know? We complain about that in the United States about equality or equity and all this stuff and you're like, okay, it's like saying it's a black show. It's like, well then yeah, you'd cast black people. It's like, this an Irish show. Well, then cast a bunch of fucking Irish fucks. Maybe they did, and they all showed up hammered the first day. No, don't do that to our people. That's fucked up, dude.

Give Ireland back to the Irish. Go off Ireland. I love hearing an Irish accent. The first cat is Belfast. The first cat, I think, is from Belfast. We did some Googling me and my cousin. Well, because I was like, how many of these guys have, because some of the accents, I was like, what fuck is that, dude? Well, have you heard Jude Law and Black Rabbit?

He sounds like an idiot. Jude Love, oh, oh, oh, and the Bateman show? Yes. Wait, but the show is good. Bateman's great. I like the story. I can't get past Jude Law trying to have a New York accent. Is that what he's trying?

It's not really New York. He sounds like... An idiot. It sounds like a guy who's from another city that moved to New York, but that wants to be from New York. I don't know. What if it's deliberate? Maybe Jude worked very hard on that. No, he didn't. I'm calling him up. Jude. Jude, get it in here. Hey, Jude. We're gay. We are gay, dude. I like the show, though, as a whole. I thought it was a good... I'm not done with it. Only because Bateman did a great job. I love Bateman in it. I think he's excellent. He's one of the best.

I agree. He can do anything. He can't... So versatile. There's a couple things he can't do. Anal. I'll tell you off screen. Ainle. Foot stuff. He's not an footstuff. Okay. I said, come on. Okay. He said save it. Save it for someone else. You think of him about him and freaking the funny show. Arrested. Not Kerb, but yeah, arrested development. So good. And then compare that character to Blasar. Or Ozark. Yeah. So good. He's great. He is. Well, we'll stop sucking him off. Why? He's not here. Okay. Jason. Did you watch Task? Mm-mm. Get into Task. No, see, I don't know as much time as you do. I,

I'm not playing with my... Some people watch all these shows and they're already done. I don't know how they do that. I'm just getting in. I'm just, I'm in the beginnings of all these shows. Was the last time you turned on television and watched just like TV, TV, not a show? What do you mean? See? What do you try to?

Do you remember when we'd watch, like, you'd pop on, like, Wheel Fortune or Family Feud? You don't watch it? Nobody watches those anymore. When I go home and visit my family, we watch Jeopardy. I'm old school. I still watch that shit. What is, what show? I watch Family Feud. I watch Jeopardy. I watch Wheel of Fortune.

Are you good at Jeopardy? No. The wheel I'm good at. My brother-in-law is on the spectrum just a touch. He could do it. Kills at Jeopardy. Rick Lasman's brother was on it and fucking did great. Dominated? He did fantastic. I mean, you know.

That's impressive to me. That turns you on? Yeah. I like Jeopardy boys. Well, you're going to hate that. McCone doesn't know shit. That's going to fuck you up. He's 12 years old. He doesn't learn. Let's get you a new guy. I'm ready. You are.

You are. Let me tell you something. But no apps. No, I've never been on the apps. They can't be on the apps. Every friend I have is heartbroken from the apps. It doesn't even feel like it adds up at some point. I feel like it's just an empty waste. Well, I'm just like one Google away from them just like deciding who I am.

Okay. What if they come? Okay. What if you meet a guy and he doesn't know you? He says, oh, I didn't know you're a comedian. And then he said, I'd like to come see you. This is what guys do. And what do you do?

I usually say no. Like that guys think that that's a first date. It's crazy. Yeah, that's weird. Like a guy did it. He like, stopped me on the street. We flirted in the street. I was like, this is going to be great.

He works in finance, yada, yada. And he's like, so, like, oh, what do you do? I was like, I'm a comic. He's like, oh, I want to come to a show. And I was like, yeah, maybe, like, down the road. But, like, maybe, like, let's go to dinner first. Googles me, finds out the stand schedule shows up to a show. Well, I'm never going to talk to you again.

Without me knowing. I know. And then I leave after my spot because I'm not a lingerer. Like, I, like, if I don't have another set, I'm not, I'm out of there. He's like, where'd you go? I was like, you were there? I think I'd talk shit about him while I was on stage

I was like this guy ran me down on the street He's in my phone Is Street Ryan right now He's there Crying in the back With his friend It's such a weird move That's weird

He tried That's kind of like our grandparents era Where it's like I walked her to the I walked her bus stop every day It's like harassment really It's really stalking Yeah it's stocky behavior It's coming to my job

And we just met I know well you kidding me My wife is Whenever I'm like going on tour To warm up and work out Yeah She's always like do you want me to go I'm like no

I don't want you to see me at my my fucking dumb job doing my stupid little dance. Me like working stuff out. It does suck when, especially when someone you love watches you work out shit, you're like, I, this is the, I fucking hate it. Well, only because they don't care, but you're like, I feel like I just kind of want the freedom to, it's like, it's like jerking off. Yeah.

It's like, you could jerk off together, but it's like, I'd read, can I just go jerk off and then? In front of the strangers. Let me do it in front of the strangers, so I don't have to sleep next to it. Yeah, please. Subscribe to my only fan. You've never put up bad girl content, have you? No, never.

Oh, wow. Wait, you didn't know that about me? I didn't know. No. I have a podcast called Only Fians. Yeah, but I don't know if you put bad girl content up there. I do. I mean, God, it's so PG-13.

It's not that bad. It's no dudes. It's nudes. Oh, it is nude? It's just tame-ass nudes. See, I like how you go. You didn't know that about me? No, I didn't.

That's surprising. Why? Because I feel like everybody knows that about me. I don't care about my. Are you a, what is it, a eunuch? Yeah, I'm a unit, I'm unique. I just don't care. I don't know if I, maybe.

Because you're married. Yeah, but I, but also that doesn't. Maybe you're noble. No, I just don't give a fuck about that stuff. I don't know, it doesn't really matter to me. I don't know. Maybe if I did hear it, it didn't really. It's a lame well that people like go back and like, like on pods and shows and stuff to like take that.

Do you still put shit up on it or no? Sometimes. Yeah, once in a while, why not? Get that fucking money, dude. I mean, I'm so pro that shit. I like, multiple streams. I've never seen. it? This sounds like a lie. I've never seen it. I've seen that it exist, but I've never

been on it to like pay for it or whatever. Yeah. But when I heard about it, I thought, what a great fucking idea. Yeah. Why? I mean, like, I don't even know why you wouldn't. It's like, go ahead, do it fucking. There's money to be made. You got nice tauts, dude. Show the kids. Even if you don't. Yeah. Even if you got ugly tits, man. Make a couple of bucks. Somebody likes them. Some people can make crazy money. I think we were talking about that girl. Oh, the new girl? Like the young girl. Oh, she made like 50 million or something. Right. Ridiculous money. God damn, dude

They tax the hell out I had to get an accountant though What do you mean they tell How much do they take? Well, they take 25% But then I think like When you start making that much money You forget that the government

Is coming for a lot of them Yeah, that's not your money No No The government owns that ass And them titty Yeah, Uncle Sam Good luck

Uncle Sam's got a big hard on I got an accountant immediately I was like you gotta start Making sure that this goes this Because you were making real money Yeah Like my first year They were like

Oh you owe 40 grand in taxes I was like what it's in my that's a fucking that's unbelievable I was like it's in my suitcase it's in all my bags it's in all these designer verses I bought can you guys take louis I'll give you one of my used louis as a payment can I just send

like a picture of like my vagina who's in charge of the IRS? That's so funny we saw Karen's vagina we cleared her taxes we let her go it was good enough I'm not responsible and I need somebody in charge of that stuff of your money you're bad with that shit yeah I want to have fun you need to know better

put the money away so you pay for you know i pay a man a monthly fee to do it for me see you need a man you guys can't operate you need a jewish man you do need a jewish man he yells at me sometimes he's like karen i know you eat healthy but this month it's a lot of food what do you do it's a lot of oh he watches you like that he's yeah he's on top of me because what a big month for you is a bad month like you're you don't know you have no spending control sometimes i'm getting better i'm getting better i've tightened my belt what's the what's food is not i mean what are you going out to eat the nice restaurants all the time yeah see i have this crew of like dog moms it's not even me and you pay for everybody some like it's like we'll

take turns sometimes or it'll go on my card and then they'll venmo me i'm like i'm like russell they venmoed me like but then i just have a fat venmo and then mo's fake don't do that when people like i'll venmo you it's like don't i don't want to find me i don't want venmo for oddly is like monopoly money i'm like this is real get this out of here yeah i don't agree with that if i go out with a group of friends well there's different rules for different certain yeah yeah sometimes you have to pay for like if we're out with the kids with our employees we have you got to pay. You figure you're going to cover it. You have to. You have to have the openers. You have to do all the right things.

Those are all right things. But then what if it's a group of friends, real friends, who also earn money? Tell me. No, it's either like, you know. My turn, your turn? I keep a little bit of tabs on whose turn. Yeah. A little bit. But if you really want to have fun, you play credit card roulette. You throw them down and pick them in a hat and somebody picks one.

See, that's what the dog mumps. You shake it and let the server pick. That's good. Then it's on nobody. Then no one's mad. It's like, she picked the card and that's what it is. It is what it is. But, yeah, I can't do the whole, like, you keep paying for stuff and not saying anything. Then you're going to get taken advantage of it's true.

Someone's like, Karen, it's okay if you. I have, like, a friend who, like, I just, I know, she's like, oh, we're going somewhere. I was like her exercise class. This is a small example. She teaches? No, but, like, it was her, like, people. We're going to her teacher. It was, like, her kettlebell class.

And I was like, oh, what time are we leaving? And she goes, well, I usually take the train. So we would leave at nine if I would. was going by myself, I would take the train. And you're like, I'll get a car. I'm like, what is the implication here that I'm going? So we take an Uber. And she's like, well, yeah, that's how, but that's how I am.

I don't know how to not be that. When you're flying Emirates business class, sipping your favorite cocktail at our onboard lounge, you'll see that your vacation isn't really over until your flight is over. Fly Emirates, fly better. You can't take the train. I have. I've seen it

I've smelled it You don't take the train It's wretched down there But you're not really a train girl You're not rugged enough You're a little too dainty You're too fem to be a train girl I know

You dress too nice You train people are much more like You can't dress nice They're city people You can't You have to have a backpack and tivas You're a suburban girl in the city A little bit

You're fancy in the city Yeah I take my little plane From JFK to Nantuck it you were taking that plane there's like 10 seats on it I'm not you everybody has their Vera Bradley duffles I'm not you that's a great trip I don't play that game come to Nantucket no fuck that one time somebody offered

they were going down to play in this this tournament this tournament event and he goes oh you'd love it for the golf he goes oh we're gonna take a helicopter down there I said abs so fucking loot me now he goes no you got blade it's called blade I'm afraid of helicopters what the fuck they took Kobe I'm not gonna get on one of those fucking things there was a really bad crash

in Manhattan like maybe three four months ago because they go out to the Hamptons all the time and everyone that does that, I'm like, dude, get in a car. I'd rather get in a car with some friends and listen to some... I'm not doing that game. They seem reckless, these helicopter pilots. It's foolish. It's goofball shit.

It looks fake. It also doesn't look like a real thing. The wheel itself looks fucking wackadoo. I don't like that. This is a video game, and you're playing with my life. No, I know, thank you. Those things look so unstable. I think I've seen him enough crash when I was a kid in like Batman when he had that little...

And I was like, no, no, I don't like that. My uncle, though, had like a two or four-seat or whatever plane. He got, like, a pilot's license. This is after his divorce. He married a lesbian by accident. That really sent him. He, like, put her through college, and then it turned out she was a lesbian. So he's like...

It didn't turn out. He just found out. I know. Brutal. All of a sudden, when Christmas, Aunt Claire comes in with, like, a kid-in-play haircut. She's got a flat top. We're like, what the hell? She's like, what's up, D'HLA?

Claire, what is up? What happened? So then my uncle was just, like, a permanent bachelor, just, like, spending his money. He had, like, a new girlfriend every year, and he bought a plane. Wow. And he took us. up in it and he was reckless as hell yeah no not doing that not doing that with uncle frank whatever the fuck uncle bob r ip he died in a plane crash no he died obese in a trailer in florida no that's so

sad oh it's so sad wait that's how it went down he spent all his money yeah he spent all his money ended up in a trailer he worked for nine x he got a sag card because he was in the commercials he like sold phone books phone books became obsolete but somehow he kept his job and like kept like working there and stuff and kept, like, making more money. I don't know. He had the gift of gab. Everybody loved him. Scam artist, probably.

He was a total scam artist. He was great. But then, yeah, he just slowly burned through all his money, moved down to Florida. Oh, my God. Where, where, what part of Florida? Like a bet, like near Jacksonville or something. North Florida, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It wasn't good. Pretty tough. Yep. Poor Bob. Rest and peace, Bob. We love you, my dog. He was the best. He's looking up at us right now.

No, I'm kidding, Bobo. He was a good hang. When I was still drinking and, like, we were both. drinking at the same time, I was in college, and he would roll through with his buddies. They were in their 50s, and my college friends were in their 20s. And around like, Uncle Bob, around like midnight at 1 a.m. He'd always look at me, he goes, all right, Uncle Bob's going to bed before it becomes dirty, Uncle Bob. Oh, gross. Bob.

He would leave, though. He was never bad. He did the right thing. He did the right thing. Even though he thought the wrong thoughts, he did the right thing. But his friends would hang out. Oh, yeah. Freddy stayed too long every time. Did Freddy ever hang with a friend of yours? No, I don't know. Maybe. Maybe Jane the Brain. Jane the Brain. Jane gave Brain, huh?

You know Jane. Where'd you go to school, Fordham? Mary Mount Manhattan. Ooh. Kind of. I didn't know you're so smart. Oh, I had a presidential scholarship. Damn, bitch.

Wicked smart. Look at you now. Look at me now. A lot of concussions later. Telling me dick jokes for fucking money. Yeah. You got CTE now? I fucking might.

Yeah. Trust me, I feel like I do sometimes. The older I get, the more, I'm like, I've, I'm, my brain doesn't work like you used to. Maybe I'm forgetting a lot of stuff. Really? It could have been the sauce. It could have been the weed for fucking 20 years.

Do you still drink or no? Yeah. A little. Yeah. do but not a lot not like I used to when I was young right and no more drugs yeah no sometimes but okay not like not like when I used to just be I used to be more free with drugs I'd be like I'll take drugs okay but now I'm like not really it's got to be kind of a special occasion special occasion special night you know you have nothing to do the next day it's my birthday coming up I'll do

my house with some friends okay take a couple chocolates and like hang by the pool oh that's very tame pretty simple yeah I'm not and I don't go deep anymore I'm not gonna like go on an adventure and be like, hey, let's go to this, you know, warehouse party and take drugs. But I used to love doing wild shit like that. Me too. That's fun. Disappear into the night. Oh, my God.

I would, we would just, we would never stop. That's fun. It would just, the sound would be coming up. We'd just get a new bag of cocaine. We'd be a brunch, bloody marries. Why not, dude? Let's go back. Nothing hurt.

Nothing hurt. Well, your body repairs itself quicker than you can feel the pain. So quickly. But now, oh, God. I'm in my 40s and it's not that way. I even, like, I don't drink, but if I hang out late, Like, I will feel like I have a hangover the next day. I know.

Like, well, Chappelle used to do, like, the parties that still does. Like, parties at the stand. And I would, like, go to them once in a while just to, you know, be in the mix. And I would wake up the next day and be like, was that worth it? I don't think so. What's the drink when you're not drinking now when you're out? I'm so gay. Coke?

Like a pineapple juice. I like a ginger beer. Cute. These mocktails are so annoying, though. They're, like, $17 and they're not good. No, they taste terrible. I don't even play that game anymore. I either have a Diet Coke if I'm not drinking when I'm out or, like.

oh I have tried I will say the new revolution of like double zero beers are pretty good if you're gonna okay that just makes me want a real beer though I mean me too but also but it's like if I know it's a night where I'm like I don't want to yeah drink then I'll just I'll double zero heinie or something like that it's not that bad used to be fucking bad yeah like back well not back oh yeah I think oh duels oh duels oh duels yeah I used to do odules the fakies have you just get fat you can't get fat have you ever been fat you were fat when you were a kid I was nine pounds and I was born. They used to call me Thunder Thighs. Big bitch. I was only 7-Eleven. Oh, smoked you, dog.

Yeah, but look at who won that war. I could have kicked this shit out of you. Look who won that genetic war. Look at the size of me now. Look at you. You kept going down. I kept going up. I'm getting fatter as time goes on. I want to be fat like Uncle Bob and live in the trailer. Do you? I think it's kind of a fun way to go. It's a slow suicide. Very depressing. But you don't know how much fun he was having. I mean, he might have been. I don't know. I think these like twins found him in his trailer. So maybe he was having fun. Yeah. They found him. They fucked him to death. Oh, God. Uncle Bob.

Dirty Uncle Bob. All right, Pianco, after all that crazy. Hanging out with you and your college, friends. Yeah. Skatch, weird, fun, sketch. Fun. That was always a thing in college. Someone who would come around and he was my buddy, Daniel and his uncle, it's like, his uncle's like, his uncle's like, his uncle's like, his uncle's like, his uncle's like, his uncle's like, his uncle's, he takes him out of the envelope, starts handing him out in the bar. He's like, look at this. This is my niece. She's on sale.

I was like, those were $900. I need those. Did you get any jobs with those? No. No, so Bob was right. Get rid of those, yeah. Get rid of that. It's a waste of your money in time, man.

You wanted to be miss actress, huh? Yeah, I got a degree in acting. I was in the Boston Ballet when I was growing up. I got kicked out of that because I was never going to be like a prima ballerina because I was too short. I thought they're all short. Am I wrong? No, like your prima, like your lead ballerinas are taller. They're like 5-10, they have small heads, very skinny.

But, like, I was, they were like, you'll be the first Willie, like, in Giselle, the ballet. Like, you'll be, like, the number one in the chorus, because you're the shortest. Right. But I don't want that. What did you want? I wanted to, you know, I wanted to make the other ballerinas laugh. Didn't that work? Yeah.

And you're like, I'm going to do comedy. I'm going to do comedy. What year were you when you started? How old? When I started comedy? Yeah. I was probably, like, my first open mic or whatever, I was probably, like, 24, 25. Okay, you knew early.

Yeah, but I was such a booze hound that I, like, sticked around for a long time. Well, everybody. But also because you're so unsure of what it is. Yeah. You kind of fall through the thing. That's so true. You just start, like, calling yourself a, you do an open mic,

and you're like, I'm a stand-up comedian now, are you? It's hard to commit when it's not real yet. Yeah. You're kind of like, you're hoping it comes to fruition. But that's why I think a lot of us kind of avoid it. That's why you, like, drink or party or, like, you fuck around so much in your 20s because you're like, if it doesn't work out, I'll feel less bad. Because then you can go, oh, I was fucking.

I was just kidding. I didn't mean it. I don't want to do that shit. I know. Then you like dig your heels in and you're like, no, I really want to do this. You don't have a choice. Then you have to really go for it. Yep.

And if you fail then, then you're like, it's humiliating. You end up in a trailer down there floor. No, stop. I'm sorry. I keep referencing it because it just makes sense. Bob was a comedian. He was funny. Yeah, I'm sure the funniest guy does end up in a trailer.

He would repeat the same jokes. He would like bend his straw, his cocktail and be like, I got a drinking problem. Oh, my God. Bob. Dad jokes are great, though. Give me another dad joke Is he ever once that he used to get it? He got really fat.

He's like, I'm so fat, I'm running out of skin. So dumb. Dad jokes are so good for some reason. They're just... You would say it all the time. We would repeat them. Like, they were brand new to us. And you laughed.

Of course. Rest in peace, Bob. I'm so sorry we even defamed you a little bit on the show. He'd love it. He's laughing right now. He'd love the attention. Where do you think he is right now? He's in heaven, for sure.

He had good intentions. He just... Well, you're not a Catholic anymore, are you? I don't know lately I've been like kind of believing I don't know what it is something I've been believing you believe in something again yeah that's a good sign is it yeah you can't fall through life being in you know dissonant forever I don't know yeah I try to be like generous I try to do like acts of service and stuff what are you doing for acts of service um I just like I try to offer my time to people when it's available for help in any way yeah like just like Joe and Sarah like Joe was like on the road

and this is like one example or whatever and I just hit Sarah up and I go hey I'm I have time this morning. If you want to go, like, take a workout class, I'm happy to, like, come watch Marty. Oh, my God. That's really sweet. And she took me up on it, you know? And then there's endorphins all around, like, that begets, you know, happiness begets other happiness. This is very cool.

Is it? I found myself in this, in this nook. I'm doing this. It feels good, right? I'm doing it more. I'm trying to do more charity shit. Yeah. People don't realize how, like, time itself, like, just being generous with your time.

You don't have to have money to be generous. No, no, it costs nothing. You just have to, like, want to do that. You just have to, like, give yourself to do it, you know? Like, have the idea and actually be like, I'm actually going to offer this. I'm not just going to, like, think about it. Right, but people feel you might be wanting something in return. They do.

A lot of people, not all. I'm sure they don't. Nope. But a lot of people do feel it's disingenuous because there's a lot of that today where it's a lot of me, me, me. Everything is me. I know. People are all playing, like, these, like, chess games. Like, I'll do this for you.

If you do this for me. Well, Instagram birthout, I do believe the Internet ruined, genuine offers because now everything, feels like it's tied to something else because people want things. I think a lot of people now want things that are unobtainable. Yeah. But they think they are more than ever because the internet used to just be like, you're so right. I'm never going to do that or look like that or have that. And who cares? But then the pandemic happened and people got famous off TikTok for doing nothing and everybody thinks they can do it. Yeah. And you know what? They can. That's the craziest part. Let them let them. Do whatever you want to do. Fart in a jar. Have you done this? No, I'm not against

it. I follow a lady who does. She farts in a jar. And sells it. How much? She's rich. I don't know. Do you want to put you in touch? She farts in a jar and got rich from it. Yes. And guys just huff it? They must. No, I think a lot of guys just keep it because it's a funny bit. I think they, like, see the video, and they're like,

that's my fart. She did that one for me. That's mine. Yeah. That's look at that's our little fart. Like grabbing a kiss. That's our little fart. Well, you can't open it up, then you lose the fart. Ooh, good point. Now you're thinking like a leprechaon. But I'll tell you, that is bad. for her business-wise because you don't get return customers right one fart and you're out right

that's bad uh what is that called uh repeat you don't have the repeat customer ratio is terrible you really need them to come back you really think like a businessman yeah i do that's my whole job not good at comedy i got to think about the business part of it all money money yeah see i will say that's what i would do i put an expiration date on the fart and be like you know this does wear off after a week so you should order a new one or it'll be a little tiny hole of slowly leaks as soon as you get it yeah the fart's out dude farts out of the bag this is it's out of the jar This is good stuff. You farts out of the jar.

You might as well. You're thinking of like tag lives. Have any guys come up, have done successful only fan stuff? No, unfortunately there's just not the audience. It's got to be. There's a bunch of lonely older women

that wouldn't want to see a young hot guy. I'm not paying for it though. You're not an older lonely woman. I was like, that's directly at me. No. Talking about those divorcees and like their 60s and, you know,

they're not going to get married again. Like I was talking to my buddy the other night about his mom, you know, the dad passed away and I asked if his mom would ever go seek love again and he was like no fucking way dude she would never this is it for her I think there's a lot of women that are like that

yeah and she needs a little bit of love too she needs something fun let's make something just for women who are you know widows yeah maybe if they have like you know some disposable income maybe maybe they be into it I just don't know if the supply and demand is there I guess I'll cancel that business plan then

I was thinking about it pretty heavily you could pencil it and you know come back to it Like maybe older gay guys buying stuff from like Twinkie guys, you know? I've had requests from some guys. I bet you have. I've had a couple, but I just can't fulfill it. They send you the green outfit. They're like, just put this on.

Put it on, yeah. I will put it on. I just won't take the pictures. That's for me. I sent it. I just sent it back. I can't do it. There was a guy for a long time who was sending me Wiener Dickpicks all the time in my DMs, yeah.

I don't like a dick pick. In my request folder, yeah. There's, it's, I don't know. It's, for some reason, well, it's not, no one has a nice, no one has a nice enough penis to translate. It's almost like the Grand Canyon. It looks nice in person, but on a photo, you're like, that's, who cares? I don't want that, I don't want to see that. I don't want to see that.

I don't want to see that. Yeah, like, I don't really like them, no. No, not you, but like the person sending them. I don't like, they're like, yeah. I think they like the idea of, of, uh, it's almost like, you don't, I think the guys that send a lot of dickpicks, it's not because they feel like it's going to get sexualized. I think it's a point of it's like power.

It's like, look at my clock. Oh, yeah, you're right. That's like a power thing for me. Sometimes they're like long and skinny, though. Sometimes it feels like a prank. Like a little tube. Like a noodle. Yeah.

Like a noodle. Like ramen. Have you had someone send you a dick pick and it's like very, very small? Like comically small? Yeah. That's a good bit. That's a prank.

See, that's funny. I think that's funny. That's a good prank. I think that's Wayku Small Dick is so much funier as a photo than a big dick. That's like a lot of the naked roast battalers because I judge the naked roast battles at Skankfest. There's a naked roast battle? Yeah, you got to come.

You got to come. I know. They keep asking me, got to go, I got to go. And every time they're like, come this year. Every time I'm always like, I'm on the road. I'm doing shows. Yeah. When is it?

Where's Vegas again? No, it's New Orleans. Oh. I'm really bad. My least favorite city. No, I'm kidding. No, I'm kidding. I've only been once.

Yeah. No, no, it's fine. It's fun city. It's like November 3rd week in November. I chipped my tooth on a crawfish down there. Did you? Wow, this front one is really embarrassing. It's got a cap on it now or a bond or whatever.

Got it bonded. It was high. But a lot of those naked roast battlers have micro penises. Well, that's what they're so good at writing jokes. Yeah. You've got to have something. And it'll be like a little like Bob Ross Afro and then like the penis. With the little tiny penis? It's a little penis.

So why do they want to be naked so bad? Because they don't care at this point. They must just not have shame or something. What about the chicks? Chicks are hot. A lot of the chicks look good. That's why they do it. Yep.

Because they're hot and they're like, I want you to see my body. And some of them are very good roast joke writers. There's just one chick, Lexi, who's got a perfect pair of huge tits, and she just kills. Lexi? Yeah. And what do they do this for? They do this on where? Where do you can do this?

So it's like a closed show. Like, nobody's allowed to have their phone. At Skangfest? At Skangfest. And they put their phones in the bags or whatever? They'll bag the phones. You know, they make you pinky swear, not to describe anyone's genitalia on a podcast. Yeah.

We're going to put the guy's name up right here. But yeah, it's super fun. But a micropinus is so weird. Do you get naked when you judge? I just get topless because I don't want my pussy out. Right. I don't want, like, what if, like, a bug crawl is in there or something? That's not even a real thing.

I don't want to sit on. You think a bug wants to go in there? Yeah. Mm-mm. It is one of my fears. You know, they, like, pull, like, I saw this video, they pulled, like, a crab out of the kid's ear the other day. I did see that on the eye. Did you see that?

That's really creepy. I just worry that, like, I don't, that's why I'm not really into camping. I don't know. No, you're also not a kid. You're, like, lying in the dirt sideways. I might be, though. Kids are gross little pigs. That guy I dated was very poor.

He might have made me go camping if I stayed in that. Who is this guy? He was an open micer with a stage name. I'm thinking about it now, huh? No, I have a problem. I fall in love too fast and hard. Yeah, you love bombing all that shit? Well, I guess, I don't know.

I don't say I fall in love that fast, but once I'm in love, it's hard to get me out of it. Like, you can treat me bad, and I'll be like, he doesn't mean it. No one's ever hit you, though. No, nobody's ever hit me. But somehow, I've been saying this, I respond to bad behavior. I think because, like, my dad was, like, not very communicative, not very overly emotional, not flowery language. But, like, I know how much my dad loves me, like, would, like, die for me. Yeah.

I used to practice my monologues in front of him, and he would keep his eyes shut. And my mom's like, what are you doing? Like, watch her. And he goes, no, no, no, I can hear her better this way if I keep my eyes shut. Probably true. You're hard to look at, but you're nice to listen to. I like your dad. So I feel like with guys, if they kind of like breadcrumb me a little bit, I really respond.

Oh, the Hansel and Gretel of it all. It sucks, though. Because if a guy's really into me and is like, you're the best, you're so beautiful, let me treat you great. I'm like, you suck. And you're a liar. And you're a liar. No, yeah, if he's too nice, it's a turn off. You want to be abused.

A little. I want to be, like, abused, but then, like, once in a while, you're nice. Give me sweetness sometimes. Yeah, because then it feels like I earned it. Well, let's not say to share that because then guys are going to be dixie. to you now for now everyone's going to see this and be like fuck you you like me do you like me now you're playing a character and i'm like yeah yeah what's the long as you've been in a relationship oh i was i dated a guy for like almost eight years like bless you i'm like my whole 20s

you live together yeah terrible huh yeah it was really bad i was like i had just realized i was an alcoholic we were a mess we were not a comic no he was an actor And then he tried to do stand-up after we broke up. And I actually even tried to help him a little bit. But he failed. Okay. So that didn't unwell. Is he still an actor?

Yeah. But, you know, he's still a bartender, too. Uh-oh. Meeny-wee-meenie. Meenie. Are you friends with any your exes? No. Yeah.

I dated Louis J. Gomez. We are friends. I dated a guy I'm going to see tomorrow. Here in L.A.? Here in L.A. Yes. We dated while he'll be. Do you work?

Do I know him? Nope, he's not a comic. Oh, okay. He's a personal trainer. I'm going to go work out tomorrow. What's his initials? TM. Tommy.

Yeah. He's so hot. But we came from very different backgrounds. We were never going to work. This is like Bronxdale? Yeah. He was black. I wasn't.

He was a trust fund kid. Oh. What? It didn't work about that. That sounds great. So the thing about trust fund kids is like, get that money they're cheap though because it's not their money not yet

I know but I don't have the patience you don't wait for them to die he yelled to me he's like I buy you a fucking house if you just chill out well when do you chill out I couldn't because you can have a house but you'd have to live in L.A you're not moving L.A. I'd also have to like his like his mom like that's where the money

was coming from well when they die you don't know they're gone you just wait till them to die she's still with us I don't know oh she is oh never mind that wasn't going to work you hate L.A. or you like L.A. I like L.A. Good. Yeah.

Yeah, that's nice. Say nice things about us. We're low right now. Why are you guys feeling down? No, no, we're just the city's on the bottom of the barrel. I mean, it's just not working. What do you think it needs? I'll tell you what, Lifetime gyms.

I belong to Lifetime. They're in every other goddamn city except for this one. Yeah. We got a lot of other bullshit, but they want me to like come in for an assessment and do a trial. I don't know. I don't go to those. I don't do that shit. What else?

What do you think you guys need to a read? For the local government to stop fucking around and letting people. shoot shit everywhere else, get Hollywood back here. Yeah. Yeah, stop fucking around. You know, they keep letting these tax breaks go

and people are shooting everything everywhere else but here. So it's just taking away money from this place. Yeah. All these fucking hardcore, lefty liberal liars that live in the city and they're all fine with shooting

outside of the city. Right. These are the loudmouth fuckheads that should be piping up the most and going, shoot in L.A. So where... Get filming back to L.A. And they say they are,

but they're fucking not. Because every one of these actors will take any job no matter where it is. They have no... They pretend like they have these moral high grounds, but they're fucking liars. They got on award shows and say all this bullshit about politics, and then they won't stand up for the only city that birthed Hollywood and that supported their careers when they were young.

They're all sell out liars. Hollywood is fucking liars. Phonies. And, yeah, they posture. They pick the, they pick the social thing to care about. Whatever cause. Yeah, if it's cool. In the moment.

But the city is falling apart. People who work real jobs here in the business can't afford to live here, you know, grips, gaffers, electricians. Like, people who, like, really build fucking Hollywood. Right. There's no jobs here right now. I mean, it's fucking empty. I mean, the job scene is low. So they're taking tax breaks to shoot in other places?

Yeah, huge tax fucking breaks. Dude, Australia, I shot a movie down there. These months, they give you fucking tons of money back. Hungary, Budapest, they shoot a bunch. In Atlanta, they shoot in the States. They shoot in Vancouver and Canada all the fucking time. Right. They'll shoot anywhere but L.A.

And you've got all these studios here. So much new shit right here in Burbank, not too far away. They've built all these new stages. I don't know what they're planning. Maybe those are bunkers for rich people when the fucking revolution happens. But I just feel like it's like where is all these jobs I don't feel like there's a lot of work I don't see a lot of people working

Because the people writing the scripts live here A lot of them know Everybody lives here I mean I not as much anymore A lot of people left pandemic Shave this place down Pandemic and then the writers strike There's a lot of creators still here

Of course but I mean I think like those people That have a lot of money Who have lived here for years they're fine But you're talking about the people Who make Hollywood happen for real Yeah Like the fucking worker bees Right

Yeah how are they gonna stay living How are they gonna live without jobs Also, you know, like PAs or assistants or people that are doing the actual groundwork, like the real fucking humans of the city, how can they afford a rip-off rent when there's no jobs for even, and even if they do get a fucking job, a one-bedroom apartment is, you know, three grand or whatever, $2,500 in the city somewhere. Yeah. You know, you can move way out. Yeah. But it's a fucking rip-off. And the jobs are like, it's not necessarily steady.

It's like you get one, then you don't know when your next one's going to be. And it used to be more flush because there was more work here. Yeah. But so you could bounce, a lot of people could bounce, you know? Right. I don't know if that's a thing. I mean, you know. So I don't know.

So I love this city, but I'm also fucking mad at it. Right. And people like, then just move. It's like, well, that's easier to say. I know. I hate people to just leave. It's like, you can't fucking uproot your entire life. No.

We also built this podcast. Right. And we built the studio. We employ people. Like, what are we going to fuck them off in this place? Abandon them? We don't do that. What do we do?

We help. We help each other. Anyway, I'm going to move to New York. Can I move in? My wife and I move into your apartment? Of course. I have an aerobed. You guys can have the living room.

It's not going to cut it. No? No. All right. We can move into a two-bedroom. I've been scouting one on the 31st floor. They just raised my rent. 31st floor is the same building?

Yeah. In battery? Yeah. And they just raised my rent and I countered. I was like, how about I pay what you guys want me to like pay? But I moved to that apartment on the 31st floor. And they were like, L-O-L. Like, that's going for seven grand.

I'm like, okay. Seven grand. For a two bedroom in my building. Yeah. What's the one bedroom in there? I pay 48. It's a lot of money, kidding. I know, I know.

I love it. Yeah. I'm happy there. Yeah, no, you do whatever makes you happy. Yeah. Whatever makes you happy. I think about moving sometimes. You know, I'm like, oh my God, I could pay, you know, a third of this and, like, live, I don't know.

Where, Jersey? Jersey or, you know, sometimes I think, like, maybe I'll just go out into the woods. I'll get my license. I'll bring Mabel. You're not doing that. I'll work the road. You're not doing that. No, I'm not doing.

That's such a pipe dream, like you can live upstate. Yeah. You're not. I know. You're not Bobby Kelly. What I'm in my tiny house. You're not doing it. You're not going to be, that's not you.

I don't even. Well, what right now is you're single? Maybe if you do, if you sell with someone, yeah, maybe. Yeah. That's not out of the question, but I mean, now it'd be weird. I know, I can't do it now. Be a solo chickadoo out in the middle of nowhere? No.

There's a horror movie waiting for that to fucking go down. No, I have my nice little family unit with me, Joe List, Sarah Tolomash. beautiful we're a three's company what else do you need yeah you're raising their kid I'm influencing him I thought him the N word

very early what a story he has to tell my aunt was a lunatic when I was young it's funny and then they'll find out that you're not his real aunt at some point

you know does he call you yeah yeah isn't that weird like I had my uncle Ira first of all Ira Jewish none of us are Jewish he must have married in one of my dad's high school friends

he's not my uncle we called him uncle but he wasn't our uncle yeah he's a gay Jewish guy. And I was like, Uncle Ira is different than literally everybody in our entire family. I didn't know he wasn't my uncle until I started to understand the concept of uncle means father's brother. Because I just thought uncle meant someone in your family. That could have been anybody in your family. Okay. And I was a kid. And then you learn what that

word means. And you're like, oh, he's not an uncle, but do we call him uncle, but he's just what he's around. And how do we know him? Is he part of our blood at all? No. He's just hanging around. He's a gay Jewish guy that my dad loved. Yeah. Get to know yourself and your roots better with DNA. Want to know where your family comes from in northern France? Maybe you'd like to see how your genes influence certain traits like diet, fitness, and allergies. There's so much of you and your heritage to discover. Visit ancestry.ca and get started with an ancestry DNA kit today. I had an uncle Vinnie, but married in, married my aunt Karen, and he was weird. We didn't like him. Yeah. He was out pretty quick, though. You kicked him out. She got rid of him.

she's like move out vin and now she married a new guy later in life and his name's Steve and I call him Uncle Steve nobody told me too you just like that I like calling him Uncle Steve yeah he's a good hang

yeah I like the de facto uncle and aunt theory like you know you marry into something too and you become like the uncle of a so but it's at first hard to some comic had a good bit about that I'm trying to remember who of like yeah like I guess I'm an uncle to these

but wait I know who has that I think Des, Desbishop maybe. Oh, I thought it was Sodi for some reason. Could be soda. Love Soder. One of the best. Oh, he's the best.

Him and Katie, such a good hang. One of the best. I'll go up to the apartment and talk shit for hours. Me too. It's one of my favorite things. Get a coffee, go up there for three hours and chat shit. Those two in a road trip? You don't have to say anything.

Just let them rock. Let them rock. It's like a radio station. See, that's when you need a joint. You just get high and listen to them fucking. Just go nuts. Go off King and Queen. Probably the strongest comedy couple out there.

And that's no disrespect to Joe. I'm just saying. they're good Katie and Sodi can They're a good hang They're a fucking good Who's the worst comedy couple hang? Come on This is fun

I don't know Come on yeah you did I'm trying to I mean I know one But I'm not saying it I love it I'll tell you after for sure I mean Bonnie and Rich are awesome

Yeah both very funny Those two are so good Both lunatics yeah They're like meeting each other Then they like deflect off to like Whoever else is in the green room Then they come back And they're like

That's fun That's the kind of love we're all looking for. Yes. It's like hate love. Yeah, you got to hate love somebody. We're going to get you some hate love. Guys, comment down below if you're interested in hate loving.

The fee. Pick an emoji. Comment with a knife. Yeah. Put the, what is it, the eggplant knife. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Heart, flaming heart, egg plant knife. What's your most overused emoji?

Go into your thing. Go into your text and see. Show me the, give me the first couple. Who gives a fuck? So I go, okay. Oh, Joel has texted me. What do you say? He thinks my comedy store show is tonight.

So I asked you the same thing. I know, but you guys both are promoting a show that's happening Wednesday. My first two are both, this is so gay. Hearts, they're both heart. It's two different colored hearts. And then my next one's crying, laughing. That's on your, that's on your time. That's on the clock one, on the most used?

I don't know what the clock. No, the little clock thing says the most. recent use when you hit the clock look right here look see the little clock look oh that's the most recent use yeah click the clock okay so that is yeah so it's hard heart heart lying crying laughing big smile yoga girl oh wait yoga girl and then i see yeah that's right yeah back to back to the old hits back to the hits mine is mine is my dog okay i did one of these are my dog you created an icon yeah my dog. What type of dog do you have? Just a little mutt slut. I love a mud. Cocker, Spaniel, terrier. She's like nine things. Then there's the 100. Keep it a hundred. Keep it a hundred.

Yeah, I like that. And then the salute, which I do, I like saluting. I should use that one more. And then this one. Have you seen this one? This is amazing. You're going to like this one. This one's not. That was created. It's a butthole. It's feet up with a butthole. I don't if you guys can see that. I feel like that's in the update. Maybe I didn't do that. No, it's not in the update. It's not from Tim Poole's collection. That's me. That's all me somebody made it and sent it to me i do the finger i do the nail painted a lot too i get that have you done story wars no you would be so good on what you're gonna do story wars oh their show j and yeah j louis is dude every time i've ever been to new york and they're always like come

do and i'm so i'm never i'm always like i'm gonna go to the cellar and do a spot and and go it's also new york for me is catching up with people i don't see as much right and so like i want to do a little bit less work i get it like i'd rather just like i sneak on a pod once in a while But for the most part, it's like, I want to go do shows at the cellar. Yep. Go get a dinner with someone I haven't seen in years. Yeah. And then kind of fart around.

I'd like to walk around solo in New York and disappear. I know, because I just want to be alone a lot of times down there. Okay. Because it's like... I feel like that here, though, too. And like, people are like, what are you doing? Do you want to go on a hike? Do you want to do this?

You want to go to the beach? I'm like, I've already done all. Just leave me alone. I'm like, you're probably not going to want to leave when I want to leave. Right. I have to get to a podcast. I'm going to ruin the time. See?

It kind of feels like you're like, I'm on my own schedule, really. I'm allowed to take time for myself. You are. If I'm working. You need to take time for yourself. You got to recharge. What's your sign? Huh?

What's your astrological sign? When's your birthday? Don't get mad at me. You're going to do this shit? It's an ancient practice. There are some truth to it. Can I tell you other ancient practices that didn't work out in the long run? Are you going to bring up the Holocaust?

Yeah, dude. That was not good. That was in practice. They perfected that. Oh, that. Ring the bell. What is my sign? My birthday is in 10 days.

Oh, I don't know. October 16. I'm not that good. You're not a Scorpio, are you? No, ma'am. Not a Virgo? No, ma'am. What's the one in between Scorpio and Virgo?

Libra? Libra. That's great, the scale. That's lovely. I mean, I don't believe in any of that sense. What does it even mean? Somebody said that, oh, we were, I should say this is funny. We were at a thing, and somebody's like,

oh i don't know if you know but so-and-so's a triple capricorn and i was like what the fucking that's a triple goat triple capricorn and i kept going trip cap and my buddy pop cat going trip cap just making fun of it i mean it was just sweet and innocent but it was like trip cap and then one time i walk by him i go trip cap and he just like throws up the three as i walk away i don't know what that means i don't know any referential stuff to that word it means nothing to me yeah the libra thing all i know is that um i try i try my best to be balanced yeah but isn't that everybody's trying to be fucking balanced. Some people are better at it than others.

I'm not, though. I think Gemini's are actually crazy. What is that? That's the twins, the two-face. They're like... So behind your back, they say one thing and do another? Yeah, they'll flip their own personalities. And just be like, sorry, I'm a Gemini.

Oh, and they're allowed to get away. And people go, well, you got to let her do it. She's a Gemini. Right. What are you? I'm a Taurus. Yeah, you look like a Ford Taurus. Beat to shit.

Boxy ass bitch. beat the shit bitch you're a torus what does that mean is that the bull that's the bull what is that you're like no see you're that's not you at all you're definitely not the bull i am so the bull like mess with the bull get the horns type of shit no like steadfast loyal grounded earth sign what does that have to do with the bull bull bulls are steadfast and loyal yes uh what does this come from this is ancient chinese see we're going back to china the lububu's got you mixed up the lububu the lububu's got you mixed up china la bububu la bubo yeah i don't buy into any of that

Did you start watching those videos of that Chinese guys singing like pop songs and hip hop songs? No, I don't know. This guy's all over my algorithm right now. Did you say the N-word a lot? Yeah. Yeah, Chinese guy. He sings it. It's like a real, like, soft way of singing it, though. When Chinese guys do the N-word online, you're always like, this is so fine. It's so funny.

It gets sent around to everybody. You're like, you've got to see this guy say the N-word. It's hilarious. It's like, it's like somehow it dismantles how, like, offensive the word is, but it's like, this Chinese guy. He doesn't speak English. He's joking. He doesn't even speak English. He has no idea what he's saying.

He's just saying it, dude. He doesn't mean it. I know. He doesn't know it. Nope. No, my algorithm is filled with like... Oh, yeah, I'm curious. Right now, I'll show you.

Let's open the talk. A lot of golf stuff probably. Yeah, golf bullshit. Trying to prepare for a hangover. Some guy eating terrible, you know... Prepare for one. Yeah, because he knows that you're going out hard at night. This is a guy, look, band.

Talking about a band. This is a guy, t-shirt making golf stuff. Golf. The Transparadox. I don't know what that is. Oh, man. Somebody took your phone. There's Norman and...

Norman and fucking Sam. Yeah, mine's up so much comedy too. And this girl I've never even seen and how does this keep popping up? Is that the Alex girl? They keep popping up. I've literally never ever seen that. I think that she just gets like shoved down our throats. Somebody's in charge. I'm dead serious. I see that's what I think that's China. I agree. And then this

love on the spectrum. Oh, there's so much love on the spectrum stuff on this. Do you know the Tourette's girl? Oh, I love her so much. She's fantastic. She has a show right? Yep. She's very wanted up. I used to like watching it. Yeah. That girl's fantastic. I can't think of her name I can't either I can see her when I close my eyes

The Tourette's girl Yeah I just watched one of her videos No come on I just saw the commercial stop I just saw the commercial for her show Okay Her show is called um Bailey Bailey

No that's not right Fuck Tourette's girl That's not right Hold on Because of the guy I'm talking to Just sent me a clip Bailin Baylon, yeah.

She punches her boyfriend and the dick. She's funny, dude. Baylon out loud. Bailin out loud. Yeah. Widen up. And her boyfriend. That's a huge dick.

That's a huge bitch. She shows that. Her boyfriend is so cute. He's like a normal, regular dude. Totally normal. He just puts up with it. Yeah. I love that.

He laughs at her. Now, do they get that way when they're going to intimate and shit? Like if she's like, if she's hooking up. I thought you were going to say, do they get that way after they get vaccinated? No, that's, is that Tylenol that did that? What do you mean when they're intimate? Like if she's hooking up... This is a great question.

She's an adult, right? She's an adult before we're talking about her turn. Whatever, you know what I mean? If she's hooking up with her boyfriend, I wonder if the Tourette's thing turns off. It might. I hope, because how weird if you're hooking up and it's like, small dick!

Wish another guy was here? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Send in the troops! That's all you got? Fill me up, fill me up, fill me up. They're just kissing. Yeah. He's like, look, babe, I love you, but you got it.

See, I bet you. turns off. I think you're probably right. Like I think when the stakes get a little higher, she probably calms down. That's interesting. She'd probably be good on stage then, huh? I know. There's a comedian named Benny Feldman, who has Tourette's, who is hilarious. Yeah. He has pretty severe Tourette's and, like, ticks like this, like, and I'm like, ha-ha-h-h-h-h-and-he'll be like, I'm my own heckler. That's very funny. He's good. But when the stakes are high, he's like, he tunes it down. I think, yeah. He knows how to, like, control it.

I think he must, right? Because, I mean, they can't even probably get anything out unless it does calm down. a little. They can't just tick. But it's out of their control so much of it. Right. I mean, what do we know? What do we know? We're normal. That was rude. Edit that out. No, no, no, keep that in. Everybody knows who you really are.

I cut that out. Everybody knows who you really are. I don't hate retards. I hate Jews. Keep it in. Edit that, McCone. No, leave it in. Do me a flave. You want to see who your real love is. Do you know who I had dinner with and we talked about you?

Oh. Schoolboy Q. I love Q. Yep, he loves you too. Where are you guys chatting? Do you have dinner while you're out here? No, this was like, he was in New York. Oh, and he was back on the East Chost.

This is probably like a year ago. Love Q, man. I went to his concert. He killed. Yeah, he was like, I love Santino. We golf together. We do. He's one of the coolest fucking dudes.

Also, it's funny to like love someone's art and then and then befriend them. That's always a weird thing because you're like, because when they speak about their art and then you're like, I know. I know. They talk about making it? Yeah, it's weird if he, like, references something as if he's talking to someone that's never heard or seen He does, though. He's very humble.

Well, no, he's remarkably humble. Yeah. But he'll say that, and you'll go, No, I know. No, I know. I listen to it a hundred times. I don't want to say I know because it feels corny to be like,

corny. Trust me, I know. Trust me, I know all about it, Q. I know about your whole life. Yeah, it is a trip. Yeah. But he's, he'll, I mean,

it's not my business to talk, but man, he's got phenomenal stories. He'll tell you some of the greatest fucking, the life he's lived, his personal stories of, it's, I wish I could say some stuff. Whatever. you're like you're more interesting the more I get to know him he's more interesting

yeah yeah it's kind of crazy he we had like sushi and then he let me come backstage I got to hang out and then I watched him perform people were fainting like four songs in like he had to stop the show like multiple times because people were losing their minds yeah he's the fucking man he's the dog man shout out schoolboy cute well he's been gone I would I'm I just got back in a town too and I'm gonna leave again in a few fucking days where you gone I could go see mom and dad in Chicago I go home a lot now that's good well they're not so young yeah I know I just think as I've gotten older I'm like I want to go see them much more if I can if I have an opportunity to go back to the Midwest if there's like a thing or a gig or something nearby I mean

even if there isn't but I'm saying if there is more of an excuse I'm like I should just be I'm right there why not like we're gonna be in Kansas City and I'm like let me just go right there just go there go pop to the house I'm like that too like I try not to miss like birthdays and stuff even Even if I have to take a train for four hours and hang for four and come back, I don't care. You're never going to be, when people we love pass, we're never, we'll never regret doing the extra thing, spending the extra money. My friend's dad just died and she lives here and like, she texts me. She's like, I'm so, listen to how like selfless this is. This is crazy.

She goes, hey, I'm so sorry. I was going to come to your show on Wednesday, but my dad died. I was like, I can't believe you even texted me. I would not even text you. Well, I wouldn't blame you. I was like, you're. When my dad dies, I'm blocking you. I'm blocking you, too.

I'm deleting your number and I'm blocking him. I'm not fucking talking to you. My mom turned 70 and I threw a big party at Chad and bars in. My brother and I got in a little tiff about it because he didn't like how much it was going to cost. But I was like, I'm going to cover it. Yeah, if you're paying for it, what does he care? Why do you care? He's like, I don't know, I'm just, we could do it in the backyard.

I'm like, no, she's inviting her friends from high school. My mom. It's a big deal. It was a huge. It was so much fun. We all dressed up. It was a bonfire on the beach. They did lobsters.

They did s'mores for the kids. Jesus. It was so worth it. Yeah. Chinat bars in. Shout out. Kip Khan. You doing that to get the plug so they give you the discount?

I wouldn't mind one next time. If she makes it to 75. You're like, look, I need that discount. CBI. What is it? What did that party cost? Be honest. Go ahead and brag, rich girl.

Almost seven grand. That's a lot for a party. Holy shit. Worth, I mean, if you saw the pictures, though. Yeah, of course. It was probably worth every dime. It was just. If you have that money, you got it.

The Facebook, my mom's like, I posted the pictures, Karen. I got like 76 likes. I'm like, Ma, you're famous. You're famous. Put me on a text stream with your mom. I wish. With more money. She'll love it.

That's so funny, Maureen. That's insane that you're both, we're both Marines. That is crazy. Wow. It's not that crazy. Irish, yeah, Maureen. What do we have ten names to choose from? Yeah, Maureen.

Oh, yes, Maureen. Yeah, my sister's Colleen, Patricia. She's Irish. Does she look Irish? Yeah. You don't look Irish. I look black Irish. No, you look like an Italian girl.

I know, people say that to me. I know, you like that, don't you? I don't like anything. No, lie, you like that shit. I don't like anything. Do people think you're Jewish? Once in a while. Yeah.

Especially, I have a lot of Jewish friends. Yeah. I went on two bachelorette trips this winter with two separate big Jewish women groups. Really? It was fun, though. Long Island Jews? Some of them, some of the Jersey, some of the Manhattan. But a lot of Long Island, yeah.

They go off. They go off. They know how to spend money. They know how to fucking party, you know how to have a good time. Fuck, yeah. They take over the Caribbean. I'll tell you with the Jews that we didn't do. Close casket, dude. What's up?

Irish fucking the Jews, man. Shut the freaking casket, man. The fucking Jews do it right. The first time I went to an awake, I was like, why are we looking at my dead fucking grandma? There was the craziest thing. And her lips are glued shut and which she has makeup on. It's so crazy. And they make their hands go like this.

And your parents are like, go walk, go fucking. And you got to stand in line and you're like, I don't know, fucking. I know. And you don't know how long you're supposed to. to stay kneeling? Yeah, am I supposed to cry? What do I have no idea what to do? I was such a bad...

The smell is brutal. It's just the whole room is weird and it's like fluorescent lights. So bright. I couldn't... When my grandma died, my dad's mom died and I was still a kid and I remember going to the funeral and then feeling... This is crazy. I remember feeling bad on the car right home because I didn't cry because I was so confused.

Yeah. And then I felt like a bad kid because I was like, my grandma didn't even see me cry when you... Weird mix of guilt. Well, because they throw you in front of you. People and they're like, go, get up there. And you're like, I'm a kid. Why do I need to go see the dead body? I liked her a lot.

I know. See her dead. It's crazy. It's so freaky. I fucking hated that. Yeah. Then you go to a fucking Jewish funeral. Oh, no, we don't look at the fucking, we're going to look at the body?

What are you talking about? I'm like, gonna bury them. Well, yeah, why did we look at it? Why do we have to? I hated it. That really gave me anxiety for a long time when I was a kid. It gets burned into your brain, too. Yes.

The images. Oh, it's terrible. And the family. members that come talk to you that you don't really want to talk to. I have no idea who they are and they remember me. Do you remember me? I changed your diaper. Weird. Weird. You know what my pussy looks like? Get out of here. Why are you telling me that?

I'm your, I'm your aunt's best friend. Right. I mean, I'm June. Aunt June. You used to call me, Aunt June. You know, Aunt June loves awake too. She's gone to everyone she's invited to. She's just waiting for the next one. Sitting in the parking lot. She can't wait. I'll see you guys in a week. Marcus's son died. You know, you're like, all right. I guess I'll see you later. Cool. That's, every one of my, like my grandmother, my mom's side, grandmother, grandfather, and then it's presumably, unfortunately, to be said, everyone on that side of the family

will be buried at the same funeral home. Like, they all go to the same family. Yeah, same with, like, my mom's side. It's kind of wild. And my grandfather, the funeral home was the Cooney's, Cooney, you know, the Cooney family. George Clooney. Cluny. Clooney, and.

You can't call him that. George Cooney. Not these days. and my grandfather left a note this was great so all of his finances were he was a firefighter you know it's like

they didn't they saved money they had to right they didn't have money like so everything was accounted for so he paid for the funeral and in the envelope

that had his money in it for the proceedings he wrote on it give to Cooney when I croak and he kept it in his fucking so funny dude here was the wildest shit my grandfather did though

this irked my mom a lot he prepaid but didn't pay for my grandmothers because he was like she's dying where Right. Well, it is true. She did die much later than him. Okay. As the women always outlived the men. Not on my, not my, my grandfather lived forever. Really? My nana was out at 63, 65 maybe.

Hot attack? No, she had cancer in every organ of her body. Thought she had a cold. Clean sweep, huh? She thought she had a cold? Yeah, she had never went to the doctor, never anything. One day she's like, I don't feel great. They go, they're like, oh, you have stage four cancer everywhere. Holy shit. She was out within like a month. I don't feel great. Mm-hmm. Yeah, cancer's gripped your entire. her body yeah but that's how strong a woman she was she didn't even fucking know she had cancer yeah for that long that much all over so much and she was like a big like bosomy had like hips hidden like a butt and stuff and i remember she died like right after my 13th birthday but she came downstairs like

from her like sick bed for my birthday and it was like she maybe weighed 70 pounds i don't know she was like nothing nothing but she put on makeup and her jewelry it always makes me emotional just because it was my birthday it was on your 13th birthday yeah Unlucky number. That's terrible. And my grandfather lived forever until he was like 88. Couldn't die this guy. He was so stubborn and he was shit in the bed.

My dad was cleaning it. He moved in with my parents. But my mom would like find ways to spend his money. He's like, Gink has taken us to Disney World. Just fucking. He has no idea. Where are we going? Don't worry about it.

Just lay down. Just lay down in the back. But then she'd have to push him in the wheelchair at Disney World. She's like, fuck, why did I do this? She just left him. Just let him reel. You stay here. We'll go.

we'll go to Disney for you we'll take photos you'll see when we get back it'll be nice all right listen my love it's been a wonderful wonderful pod this is great I appreciate you so very much oh I appreciate you go watch go watch her special out right now we'll put the link in the description down below

it's called don't serve this pig no it's called don't serve me do not serve me don't serve me don't serve me and she's on tour right now Her website is

This Is My Butthole.com Her website is The Brown Star Check my Instagram for my tour dates Instagram has all the tour dates And what is your website? You don't put it on it on your website? I know, I should.

Stop shaming me. Get a fuck, you don't have a website? I have paid someone to build me a website and then I just like stopped like the wheels in motion. Oh brother, pay him Take some of that money away from your mom's 75th birthday party,

put it towards that website. It's too late. It's already been paid for. I love you. I appreciate you. Look in that camera right there and say one word or one phrase to end the episode whenever you're ready.

One word or one phrase. You can't take it with you. I hated that. Can I do it again? Do it again. Slot bucket. And here we pull a whistle, whisk, whisk, whisk. You were that creature in the ginger beard.

Sturdy and ginger. Vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Ginger's a fugitive. You only $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Ginger's, oh hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger, I like gingers.