Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Lil' Esther Povitsky

Episode Date: November 5, 2021

Santino sits down with Lil Esther Povitsky to chat about going to McDonald's on a field trip, the home alone house, HER NEW TATTOO and that she wears childrens shoes and much much more! COME SEE ME ON TOUR!!! https://www.andrewsantino.com ORDER SOME MERCH!!! https://www.andrewsantinostore.com Join our Patreon : https://www.patreon.com/whiskeygingerpodcast SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS! EMBER Keep your coffee heated all day and never microwave again Get 10% off first time purchases! http://ember.com/whiskey SIMPLISAFE Keep your house safe  20% off your entire system and your 1st month of service is FREE https://simplisafe.com/whiskey SQUARESPACE - Help design your website today with amazing templates and the help of professionals https://squarespace.com/whiskey Use promo code WHISKEY for 10% off! HELLO FRESH Americas number one meal kit!!! Get delicious food sent to your front door ready to be cooked by you! https://www.hellofresh.com/14whiskey Get up to 14 free meals! Follow Santino on Insta and Twitter: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/  https://twitter.com/CheetoSantino Whiskey Ginger Insta and Twitter: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeygingerpodcast/ & https://twitter.com/whiskeyginger_ Whiskey Ginger Clips: http://www.youtube.com/c/WhiskeyGingerPodcastClips Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What up, Whiskey Ginger fans? Welcome back to the show. If this is your first time joining us on this show, welcome to the show. Subscribe, like it on YouTube, hit the notification bell so you know when we post, but we post every single Friday. We haven't missed in three years, baby. Three years. Last week was our three-year anniversary, I believe. We haven't missed, and thank you for coming along for the ride. Leave a comment down below on YouTube for the Al Go Rhythm. Appreciate ya. My guest today is Esther Povitsky. Lil Esther. Love her to death. So very funny. One third of the Trash Tuesday podcast featuring Andy Letterman and Kalilah

Coon. And we love them. They're family, bro. Very good people. She is so very funny and she's on the road right now. So go check out Lil Esther wherever she may be in a city near you. And I'm on the road. By the way, andresantino.com. Let's go. Come on, dude. We added a bunch of shows. I cannot wait. I'm starting to just go back out right now. I'm going to New York. I'm going to Columbus. I'm going to Pittsburgh. I'm going to Grand Rapids. I'm going to Philly. Two shows in Philly. Late show added. The first one I think is sold out. So go Philly. Go get them tickets right now. I'm also going to be in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. I'm also going to be in Arizona for New Year's Eve in Phoenix, baby. And I'm doing

Portland. I'm doing Seattle. I'm doing Chicago, my hometown of the Chicago theater. I'm so excited. Go to andrewsantino.com. You can see where all those tickets are. andrewsantino.com. Enough rambling from me. Let's go to the episode. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You're that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse.

Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on earth. I say that for all my guests, but I mean it once again today. Very smooth.

It's Esther Bavitsky. Ooh, I like that. Oh my God. A little less. Esther, thank you so much for being here. I appreciate it. And we're not drinking because it's four in the morning. We got up real early.

That would be a good time to drink. Would it? I've never drank, so I don't know. Yeah, but I'm one of those guys that's like, I used to, when I was young, I was like, why do bars close at two? And then you get over 30 and you're like, they should close at midnight.

I don't need to be there till four in the five in the morning. I used to love the idea i romanticize new york and then you spend a couple weekends in new york and you're like this i don't i shouldn't have access to alcohol i definitely also though have a similar like i romanticize like staying out as late as possible and like you just keep laughing with your friends and it doesn't happen not at some age it stops yeah that happens when you're young when you're in your 20s it's the bar should be open oh this is a good rule bar should be open when from 21 to 29 you should be able to have access from 2 to 5 a.m and then you can't get in at 2 a.m if you're at 30 they're like dude get the fuck out of here go home also it's like no one

wants you there nobody no 23 year old wants some weirdo 30-year-old creeping around. It's true. This is the new rule. We're going to make a bar, Esther and Santino's Pub. The only thing, though, is that 30 to me is so young. It is young. No, it's still young. That's so young.

Come on. But they should have bars segregated by age. Right? They should have segregated bars. I definitely don't want 21-year-olds where I'm at. Well, you don't go. Well, see, I think maybe I'm wrong. Society does that naturally a little bit.

Like high-end. No 21-year-old is going to go have a drink at a high-end fancy hotel bar. That's right. You would want to go somewhere really expensive. That's so shitty, though. Like, I don't want to pay more just because. Because we're older? Because I want it to be quiet.

I don't know. I guess that costs more whatever honestly this is the way the world works you move to the suburbs when you get older you want quiet you pay for it yeah if you want loud fun party you got to go be in the middle of west hollywood oh that does not sound fun not anymore no but when i was 22 that's all i wanted to be because i thought i want to move where the poppin' hot gay neighborhood is because I was still, you know, I was still in limbo. I didn't know what my sexuality was. You were still gay.

I was still gay then. I also moved to West Hollywood when I first came to LA because for a girl, you're like, oh, well, if it's gay, it's like safe. So safe. Yeah. It is, truly. Yeah. But also not because there's crazy people blacked out on drugs running around that's the only problem is not you're not in fear as a girl in west hollywood of some creepo dude grabbing you but vulnerable to weirdos that are psycho yes on drugs and messed i mean that's because they still

have vagrants that run around west hollywood that are up to no good yeah west hollywood is a little is a little shaky right now sketch It's a little sketch. Yeah. A guy was peeing on our front door, and I was like, we got to get out of this neighborhood. But I was like, honestly, and he was so like kind of wild and rigid and out of control that I was afraid to go say something. Because I was like, A, I don't want to have to fight a guy who peed on my door. Yeah, no, you do not. You let that guy go. You let him pee.

You let him pee, and you have your landlord cleaned up. You're like, somebody peed on the front door. I'm not cleaning that up. We had to get out of there. But I just got back from San Francisco and let me tell you something. You want to talk about pee and poop? That place is filled with it. There's so much poop on the sidewalks.

That makes me so sad because as a person also from the Midwest, I'm like. Chicago. I'm like, San Francisco, it must be so clean and peaceful and everyone's drinking smoothies and like, it's just so pure. But it's not like that. It's not like that. No. San Francisco is beautiful. It is a gorgeous city.

Like visually, it's stunning. But also, it's weird to have like people have 80 million dollars living in this like mega mansion and literally at the end of their street is like a dozen homeless people you're like that's such a weird juxtaposition there's so much so much tech money there and then so much homelessness but you know what keep living san diego San Francisco, whatever the fuck you are. Keep doing what you're doing. Esther recently got a tattoo. A tattoo. A tattoo is how we could say it. Oh, I'm so sorry.

If you want to be upscale. You can't see it, can you? You can't. I did the timing really bad. Yeah, it literally looks infected. It's very fucked up. It looks raised, and I don't know if that's like pus no no it's usually just like you're you're weeping oh weeping it's my tattoo is crying it has an std um yeah so i

started eating edibles as you know and i was a sober person my whole life before that i'm 33 i just tried weed love it big fan love weed big fan but i don't want to go too crazy with it but anyways i feel like i'm i'm just entering a new phase in my life where I'm like, let's just do crazy things a little bit. Yeah, a little bit. You're dipping your toes. Yeah, but so this tattoo is just to be transparent. It only lasts 15 months. Would you get a permanent one?

This is like the baby step into it, which I know people with real tattoos probably think that's like so lame. But would you? Do you have a tattoo? I is like the baby step into which i know people with real tattoos probably think that's like so lame but would you do you have a tattoo i don't have any tattoos no because i want to get buried in a jewish cemetery when i die and why is that because i like those people i just want to be near them in the afterlife you're gonna increase your uh chances of your grave getting robbed no they rob each other i thought we're on the same team no like jewish cemeteries are frequently the like hate crimes yeah i thought i know sin i know synagogue temples i know that happens a lot but cemeteries yeah you'll you'd be surprised like you'll hear a couple a couple maybe once a year someone will go and like graffiti a jewish cemetery what is this fun funny

this is hilarious what did they just spray a swastika on a maybe something like that yeah cool yeah hey guys out there whiskey ginger listeners please don't do that that seems unnecessary go tag a train go try if you're gonna do a swastika on anything, put it on a building or a train where everybody can see it. Not in a cemetery. But no, I mean, this is a joke. But like, honestly, the people who run Jewish cemeteries do rip us off. So like, it doesn't bother me that much. That's a joke.

You think that's revenge? That's so fucked. That's funny. No, I didn't know. I didn't know. No, I don't have any tattoos because i think i was irish catholic scared into doing anything like that oh really yeah my parents were like what are you gonna do you're gonna get tattoos then not be able to get a job and that was before i could admit that i didn't want a real job that i wanted to be a fantasy boy like i am a fantasy boy we're fantasy you're a fantasy girl

we're fantasy kids do you know the real reason i've never had a real tattoo is because ozzy osbourne on my favorite show the osbournes set show was so good the funniest shows ever been made he said to his kids if you want to stand out don't have a tattoo because everybody has tattoos and i was like i like that ozzy like okay that is very true that is true well now it's tattoos on the face is so common i remember when i first started seeing it i was like whoa that's bold now i it's tattoos on the face. It's so common. I remember when I first started seeing it, I was like, whoa, that's bold. Now I feel like tattoos on the face is like a normal thing for young people to have. Or up on the neck high up, you know? That's kind of hot.

There's a hotness to that. No, it's super hot. But we're trash to them. We're old whites with no tattoos. So it's just we're not in that cool clique. You couldn't get a face tattoo. I wouldn't want to, realistically. It would ruin your face. It would be bad.

Also, we both are actors. Yeah, it'd be tough. You can't really... Are there actors with face tattoos? It'd just be kind of rude. You're going to be typecasted for sure. Yeah. Well, no, because it takes time to cover it up.

Whatever. It's fine. My tattoo is Kalilah's name, just so you know. Oh, yeah. We didn't say that. That's right. it takes time to cover it up whatever it's fine my tattoo is kalilah's name just so you know oh yeah we didn't say that's right kalilah kalilah from um esther and kalilah and and uh and annie's podcast called trash tuesdays which you should listen to the the girls are wonderful are you gonna come do it yeah i said yes i already said that to kalilah i said i'll come over whenever you guys want uh did she have a little thing did you guys do a thing for her birthday she had like

a little birthday karaoke thing. I know. She's like, where are you? I was like, I'm in San Francisco. She's like, you're missing out. Yeah. No, it was cute. Damn.

But I was nervous about getting her name tattooed on my arm, even if it is just going to last a year. I was like, thought maybe she'd be weirded out, but she seemed appreciative. Bobby was like, not into it. Really? He was like, that's weird. He's like, it's creepy he was not and he deemed something creepy and weird like the irony is staggering that that guy's like that's weird

and creepy this guy saved skin he saved pieces of his scab do you know that he saved he had a scab ball that he would save oh he got in a vomit no I swear to god that's what he that's who he is but yes a tattoo is creepy I guess What is his girlfriend's name? And Dave was really upset. He was like, I think this is weird. Are you in love with her? And if we get married this year, that tattoo is going to be in all our wedding photos. You covered up.

Yeah. Dude, good makeup. Stage makeup, dude. He doesn't know it. Come on, Dave. You know better. All you have to do is cover it up. You'll never see it.

I know people I've worked with that have tons of tattoos on their arms they cover them up all the time would you get one of these like one year long this is actually making me think about it right now it's this place called ephemeral tattoo like i don't know it's like a new technology i feel like as soon as i heard it i was like i'm getting a million of them i mean it sounds cool it's also in beta so where does the ink go because you said it dissolves into your skin. Yeah. I mean, I'm definitely going to have cancer. But what is the ink? Do you know? Did they tell you what it is? There's all this stuff on the website. Whatever. Yeah. This is why we got the vaccine. You're like, what is it? You're like, doesn't. Come on. Who cares? We'll figure it out.

I'm going to get cancer in some way or another. Yeah. But it dissolves into your skin ephemeral tattoo yeah now I need to kind of look it up it's called like it's made to fade tattoos ephemeral tattoo

is the place and so wait is it more expensive than a regular tattoo I think it's the same price like a couple hundred bucks for like a small one wow I thought it'd be

for some reason I was like oh this will be way more what did you think that that cup would cost well I'm dumb I tattoo people who have tattoos

are probably gonna be like idiot but I think like a well that's just a name yeah have tattoos are probably gonna be like idiot but i think like a well that's just a name yeah so that i guess would be like a hundred bucks two hundred bucks yeah but pictures no reference i think like when someone has a big piece i'm like uh over a grant my guess was like twelve fifteen hundred dollars i might be way off again like my buddy uh a good buddy of mine james back in in chicago he's got a full arm but he's also had like more work done you know what i mean when they add colors over time and

do all that stuff and get it lined out again i think it just i don't know i think it keeps costing a lot of money then i've heard people that have tattoos that are like just this arm alone is like 100 grand and i'm like what what the fuck fuck? Because I guess some people if you go to somebody you know there's a guy named Dr. Wu do you know who that is? No. He's famous in LA.

Okay. He does like a very specific kind of tattoo. Like his style is unique to him and he's a lot of money and he's reservation I mean it's very

how fucking LA is that that you're like oh is that so and so's tattoo? When we were when we were in high school it was just like a tattoo place next to a fucking little caesars that's where most of my friends got it little caesars five dollar pizza

so good insane it's such a good deal they still have it i know five dollars hot and ready of all of the chains caesars top for you for pizza no of the chains pizza chains yeah dominoes is the best tasting one so you're still rolling with the nose, huh? You like the Noid? You really like Domino's the most? You know? What's the best one? I think it's Papa John's. Okay, yeah.

Literally, we did a taste test on Trash Tuesday. Yeah. Papa John's, you're just, it's getting extra credit just because it has the dipping sauce. The dipping sauce is so good, though. It is, but like, what you want is a Domino's slice with a Papa John's dipping sauce. The dipping sauce is so good though. It is, but like, what you want is a Domino's slice with a Papa John's dipping sauce. Oh, can we do this? This is kind of,

you know what this is kind of like? That's like, It's getting hot in here. This is what turns you out. When Dave calls you, he's like, he just whispers, he's like,

I'm Papa John's with a sauce with Domino's. No, that's, that's kind of like how we feel about Chick-fil-A. The sauce is so bomb. That's why I like Chick-fil-A. I know. Because the chicken is fine.

I don't really... Chicken is chicken. I don't really care. Yeah, it's the same. But the sauce is like... The Chick-fil-A sauce, right? Yes. It's unbelievable.

I know. And I know they're like, how many of these other ones do you want? I'm like, just fucking load me up with that Chick-fil-A, dude. Just give me eight of a Chick-fil-A. Yeah, I don't give a shit about the Polynesian sauce.'s it's sweet and sour by the way just say that yeah stop trying to like skirt around it but their original sauce we keep at the house like pigs we do too we have we bought it on amazon like a tube of it same and we use it we're like on everything i had cereal this morning i had i had um honey bunches of oats and i put chick-fil-a sauce all over it

no what a pig. No, truthfully, though, I think you're right. There should be combos. Like, I should be able to get, like, a burger from one place, fries from another, and a Wendy's Frosty. Do you know what I mean? Like, there should be a place that does all. You can do an order from each of these corporations. I mean, just DoorDash or whatever the fuck, right?

I know, but that's, like, so they have to go there, there, and there. Yeah. It should be like a hub. Amazon. Amazon for fast food. Amazon fast food. And it has all of the, by the way, we've, they're listening and they're like, perfect. But, but, but jump backwards real fast.

I would get a tattoo. What would you get? I would do this. Well, my instinct is like, it's got to be funny. But then I'm like like but then i go to well because i want to be able to go this is why i got it it's stupid and fun because if i had something serious i feel like i'd be more embarrassed yeah it's almost like what is that why do you have like like i have friends who have uh my buddy has his family crest

uh-huh you know and it's like what am i doing with that i'm not going to war anytime soon why do i why do i do the family crest and i come from a long line of you know rats i think you know i think my grandfather sold teeth in the street i have no idea it's not like we come from some like noble wealthy landowners who have this like history great history and no i don't even it's not like that that's interesting because i feel like for some reason i would not want a tattoo to be funny i'm like i'm into the drama of the tattoo i want it to be like poetic and meaningful and questionable and like for people to just be like wow she has inner conflict like i want to like sell a sad story with a tattoo that's not but that's not who you are but yeah i guess you just want to sell

this like beautiful image well it's like oh she's so mysterious like what does it mean like the Kalilah tattoo people are going to ask you a thousand times what that means

well that one is actually that's an embarrassing one that's going to because then it's like yeah it's my co-worker's name no you can make up anything this is an opportunity to use comedy

in life to go oh this is it can be anything this is an opportunity to use comedy in life to go oh this is you know it can be anything really this is my ex-girlfriend and you know i wish i never got this that's funny you can use that you can do kalilah is my mom's name you know my mom was filipino and look at you someone's like your mother was filipino you're like yeah and my father was thai so do you have any any ideas for what you would get on a made to fade tattoo made to fade so yeah that's why permanent i don't think i'll ever get a permanent tattoo but this thing you've got me turned into seriously i just put it in my phone i might actually truly do this do you know what you would get or where even i would i want a tramp

stamp if you want to be funny tramp stamp but i want to be able to see it that's why tramp stamps it makes sense and you never get to see it yeah i want to see it a little bit like when i look in the mirror i love the idea of something on my arm or my forearm for some reason bobby on your arm honestly i really should just to come seriously just to go with this i really should do this i should get bobby on there but you know what's so gross he'd love it so much because he'd use it as ownership he'd think it's like yeah you got my name tattooed on you you're my bitch That's what he would do. I bet my life on it. I think he would feel like indebted to you

and he would copy you and get it. He would get a real one though. Yeah. That's how crazy he is. That's how he would like own. Actually, you know that cartoon image of Bobby's head like that one that's over there. I would get, I might get the bad friends.

Oh, maybe I'll get bad friends on my own. That would be cool. That'd be kind of cool My fear is that this doesn't fade The way it's supposed to That I did That hit me this morning When I woke up

I was like What if it doesn't fade Because I used to have nightmares That I got a tattoo While I was on vacation Really? Yeah I had a bunch of them

Because I know me When I have a couple of drinks With friends And I was like In Spain one time I almost got a tattoo Like I was like Legitimately was like

Smoking a joint With a tattoo artist at this party. And I was like, we should do it. I should just fucking do it. And then, thank God, I didn't. But I've had nightmares where I wake up with tattoos and I regret them. Then I'm like, oh, God, these are so dumb. Why did I do a fucking wave? I did an ocean wave on my arm one time in my dream.

And I was like, why did I do that? I hate the fucking ocean. I wonder what that means about you. Because that's not a recurring dream I've ever had. I have like, oh, you have to go back to school. See, I don't have those anymore. Do you have you're going to be late to class? No, I have you're going to be, you have to go back.

Actually, your diploma is not real and you have to go back and finish high school. And I'm like, no, please, I swear, I think I'm pretty sure I can, like, make money in L.A. Like, just let me go straight there. Please, please, please. I can make money in L.A. They're like, no way. Back to Evanston you go, baby. In here, we pour whiskey.

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simplisafe.com slash whiskey. My friends are 40% off your entire system. Hurry, this offer ends soon. Ginger. I like gingers. You're North Suburbs, right? That's right. Skokie, yeah.

Skokie, Skokie. I grew up on the border of Skokie and Evanston. Evanston's fancy pants. For people that don't know, that's Home Alone. Kenilworth. It's Kenilworth. Isn't it Kenilworth? Kenilworth.

Isn't that where the Home Alone house was? It's either Evanston or Kenilworth. I think it's Evanston. Maybe it is Evanston. No, I don't know. You know, it's one of those, though. Come on think it's evans no i don't know you know it's one of those though come on google this is because every time but i did remember when i was a kid learning about you know that those neighborhoods like that far north on the water and i was like

man these are for people that don't know chicago the midwest it's so wild because some of those houses on the lake are because the north shore right on the lake there they're they look like they're out of a a different time and place. Like, this isn't Chicago. This is fucking unreal. It's a mansion on a lake. It's like a 6,000 square foot house on a lake. Whenever we drive through those neighborhoods,

it blows my mind. Yeah, Kenilworth is like the top, in the top 10 of nicest places to live. In the United States. Yeah. And it's probably in the world now that I think about it. Yeah. But also so safe and nice.

Okay, so it's Home Alone houses world now that I think about it. Yeah. But also so safe and nice. Okay, so it's Home Alone House is in Winnetka. Winnetka. They have a really cool McDonald's in Winnetka. Do they? Yeah. What do you mean? It's just like one of those like OG, cool, interesting McDonald's. Like the original, like, yeah, because Illinois has so many of the original ones because of Ray, Ray Kroc, who stole it.

It's funny that you said Ray and pause like, you know him. He's a buddy. But remember when we were in elementary school, did you take a bus trip out to the original McDonald's? No, but I'm jealous as fuck of that. You didn't do that? No, but I made my dad drive me there a couple of years ago. We went to the original one.

Deerfield, yeah. We went to the original one in elementary school. I wonder what grade we were in. What were they teaching you? How to steal business from another you? How to steal business from another place. How to thief business. It was actually in junior high.

I think I'd heard this story from maybe my dad told me that it was like, because I was blown away when I heard that McDonald's was from California. Because as a kid from Chicago, you're like,

it's from Illinois, first of all. Yeah, the first chain is in Illinois. Illinois, right. The original before it became san bernardino right yeah yeah we stole it or downey yeah same thing it's so i only know that because miranda cosgrove is from downey and she lives close to the original mcdonald's and i'm

like that's cool that is very cool that's does miranda cosgrove a friend of yours yes you guys are really good friends i'm obsessed with her really yes is she obsessed what not obsessed is she obsessed with you no no i'm just bothering her um there's no way you must offer something i don't know you're sweet just you're low to the ground sweet as pie you're very low to the ground that's reliable in some way you know what i mean tall people can be threatening. People don't know what you're going to do up there, but you're low. I see you all the time. You can't get away. Thank you. I know what you're up to. Thank you so much. I can always look down and see your hands. I know I'm not going to be threatened by you at all. I have a question. Did you,

because you went to the McDonald's as a field trip, did you guys open bank accounts in elementary school? TCF Bank. Do you remember the banks that were in Jewel? Jewel Osco? Yes. That's what we did. TCF Bank. I did my,

that was our first little fake. I think it was fake, but they let us set up a little fake account. Oh. TCF Bank. I was thinking about it because I went back to Skokie

and the bank where we set up our bank accounts is now a weed store. Oh, is it still good? Is your money still good there? They're like, Esther, you still have an account now you can it is weird to see weed stores back in back in the midwest because you're used to being a you know the west coast it's just such a thing out here that it's weird to go back and know that weed is as free there because when we were young weed was so illegal so so many of my friends

gotten deep shit for selling weed or for having weed i sold weed in high school you did yeah and you know what i used to keep it in i was such a moron too but it worked but i never got in trouble but i was an athlete so i thought i got away with a little bit more to be honest like i'd be able to leave and go to my car or go get stoned and come back and i'd enter through the gym side and i wouldn't get in trouble. Do you still smoke weed? Not like I used to, but I do like to smoke a joint and have some wine at night or a glass of whiskey on my patio. That's like my favorite thing is, but it's not, it's not a thing that I do every day when I used to do it constantly.

I used to love it. I used to love getting high and doing sets. Are you getting high and doing spots? A little bit, but I, that still makes me a little bit nervous. Oh, that's what I loved about it. Really? The anxiety was so fun. Being stoned, really stoned, and then getting on stage and having a little sip of something and just letting it fly. Those were my favorite nights in the OR. When I was first passed, I used to love that because it would be midnight. Yeah. And I loved it. You had nothing to lose.

Could you do that now? Fuck no. Oh, okay. Why not? Because they know who you are. Because they fucking know your name. And if you bomb or eat shit or you get too fucking and you ruin the rhythm of the show and I'm at fucking 930.

And so it's like Jesselnik and Marin and whatever. It's like, then I'm going to be the guy that wedged in a really creative, weird, funky, fucked up set. You know, you can't up set. You know? You can't do it. You can do it. You can do it on your shows. You know, on your, you're on the road or whatever.

Yeah, but in town, I can't. I feel this weird responsibility. Unfortunately. No, yeah. That's, I think, what I feel too. But you should get stoned and do it because you're new to weed. Like, let it fly a little bit. Okay.

I want you to. Okay. And I want to see. I want to come to the show and watch you do it but you only edibles right no smoking yeah it just makes me cough i don't know yeah i mean this look it's probably the future most any smoke is going to be bad for you at some degree so it's like i think the future will be all liquid or eating it although i fucking love smoking that's the thing that's what i'm really a lot of people are into that because i've never done it i'm just i don't need it yeah don't get caught

on it and for me eating candy is a more like natural thing candy is your but you don't like you don't you have a sweet tooth but it's not like you it's not like it's not like you, it's not bad. Is it bad? I'm fine. I just like candy. What's the one that you love the most? I think Sour Patch Watermelon is like one of the best ones out there. Wow, specific. Yeah.

Are you a candy person? No, but you know what's strange? I never had a sweet tooth because we had a candy drawer at my house when we were kids. That's the fucking secret to it all is if you just give it to your kids freely don't ever tell them they're fat just like let them eat they're not gonna want it well we were lucky too because my mom would have stuff in there and it was never like a i was never a reward for it was never like oh you get a treat i'll give you candy if you did that never happened so we would have candy or snacks around the house but it it just never me and my sister was the same way we both never really maybe it was because it was too convenient and or and also because we always had food so i'd want

to eat eat when i was a teenager i was a a fucking pit i was a pit i could eat anything i could eat you know like a full pack of salami. And then I would want, I'd be like, I want something else. And then cook a frozen fucking dinner. It was so weird. And I was a beanstalk. I was like, I guess genetically I was lucky too. But, um, anyway, now as an adult, I've started to develop a fucking sweet tooth. Ice cream is my, I fucking, I want ice cream every night of my life what kind uh well honestly right now i'm stuck on this shit from whole foods has their brand yeah whole foods makes a bomb ass uh gelato it's a caramel drizzle gelato fuck honestly dude i wreck i wreck that fucking thing and it takes me

a lot of uh a lot of self-control to not eat the whole pint because i want every time i'm sitting we're watching a movie i just want to eat the whole because what it'll be is be a layer of um vanilla bean gelato and then this the right underneath it is a little more caramel then you go underneath there's a little bit more and it just keeps going it's it's ribbon i know that's so good i just started ordering at starbucks i'll add to my drink caramel drizzle and i'm like this is so disgusting like that i think i'm entitled to caramel drizzle in my morning coffee but it's so good that i'm like i get it now i get it starbucks like you guys fucking nailed it they nailed it yeah because it's like you do coffee can be bitter and you want a little a little

little kiss a little kiss a little kiss a sugar give me a little kiss a sugar so so that's my so ice cream is kind of my um that's the thing that i don't know it's hard for me to give up i can give up like you know candy bars or that stuff but i don't know fucking i've always loved ice cream or gelato i want to go get that that you're talking about it's so good i'm gonna send you a picture when I get home of what it is. And also, once in a while, I love me a good old chocolate chip cookie. Sometimes she'll make cookies at the house. And I, again, with that kind of stuff, if it's there and it's hot,

if it's hot and ready, Little Caesars cookies. Smell of cookies. Come on. It's just disturbingly good. When I was growing up, I had this uncle who was my grandma's sister's husband. And he was really old and frail. And he was obsessed with sweets. Like he was my uncle Phil.

He made like Phil's fudge. He had, you know, containers like gallons and gallons of ice cream. And in his nightstand drawer you'd open it up and it would just be snicker snicker like a million snickers just like Phil I know and I didn't realize this until later but my mom was like yeah that's because he was an alcoholic and he like basically when he went sober he became obsessed with sugar and I was like cool cool but it's cool he beat the booze yeah i mean i'll they'll kill you both the same but still phil good job is he still around definitely not no

and his i think he went to jail his son turned him in for tax evasion nice good son tax evasion yeah that's like when you heard all those old criminals that got clapped for like uh racketeering and you're like come on oh. Oh, yeah. The government fucking sucks anyway. I don't feel like you should go to prison for skipping out on taxes. Prison? I don't agree. I think you should. No.

No, I'm just kidding. Fuck the government, the scumbags. You should go to prison when you kill people or rape. You do something awful. Yeah. You didn't pay your fucking bills. Let them go. Well, that is stealing.

From who? The government? Yeah, that's true. I don't care about the government they're bad people although they do keep like the roads clean what does the government do for us we can welcome back to what does the government do for you do they take our trash away like they do some things well you pay local money you pay local government do that but the feds what does the fed do they use that money for war and for and for pizzagate i just try to think about like okay the library you know like

i pay my taxes so the library is functioning so i'll go check out a book but that's the state well that's all the state okay you know more than most comedians well i've been paying my taxes they're gonna come get me now let's find out i had a friend actually i this is so a sad sad story his tax guy you know he had like a guy that he assumed was doing his job and for four years he had screwed up and so he got audited and he and he owed a ton of money he had a quarter of a million dollars that's bad oh it's so bad and they've he's got a family they have kids and he's like what and he told the tax guy and literally the tax guy was like sorry and they're not responsible you know you technically even if you hire someone to do your taxes

and they screw it up you're still on the lam for it oh i didn't know that oh yeah dude it's on you you because they they're filing on your behalf but it has to be you signing off on the filing. They don't get in trouble for that. That's why H&R Block is basically just like guys that I knew from high school. I'm like, what? You're working at H&R Block? What do you know about fucking money? But they're like, just a computer program.

But you get in trouble if it goes awry. That's very interesting information for me because sometimes I look at my account and I'm like, can he see? Like, I don't know if he can even see. Do you have one of those super, super old, like old about to die accountants? Yeah. Well, yeah. He's my dad's friend from college who they weren't on speaking terms with the first 10 years I was out here. So I had like a normal one, but then they made up.

What happened? I don't, I don't know. You should have looked into that before you made him your accountant he's definitely using you as leverage well whatever it is i'm worried now if he can see and i need to look into that because i don't want to get sued or something get a new guy get a new guy or a girl get someone get someone else how old is this man well 78 same as pops yeah it's time to move that's an old account also quit accountant like you can't you should quit we should force people to quit their job at some point they're like i want to work forever you're like come on dude it's enough i know i do think about that a

lot like people do the next generation needs the job it's like we need to stop yeah just stop people need also they need to live their their remaining seven years or whatever they've got. You're like, and I don't mean that about your dad. Your dad's going to live forever. Your father's going to live for the rest of time. Okay. But probably not. I think you should be forced. I think forced retirement is a good thing. Like, look, we took away my grandmother's license. She, she wanted to drive. She's 91. We're like, you can't, you're going to kill everybody. She's like, but I want to. It's like, I know it's so dangerous. It's like, we can't, we force, we take people's licenses away if they can't, if they can't operate a vehicle anymore. So your job, you got to go. You got, you got to stop. Also, you're not going to need,

I just talked to my mom literally before you got here. And my dad is all scared about retirement. He just retired. Well, well not just he retired a couple years ago but my mom still works she still goes downtown wow and when we moved from downtown she kept her job and then when she stopped that job she got another job downtown and she took the train every day my mom still to this day she's taking it less now because of covid but up until covid she was every day going downtown on the train and she's you know gonna quit finally and i was like you need you deserve it like you should have quit forever ago but she likes COVID she was everyday going downtown on the train and she's you know gonna quit finally and I was like you need

you deserve it like you should have quit forever ago but she likes she does like it yeah that's the thing it's when you like what you do

I don't know I feel like that's the thing we always hear now and it's why the trend of retiring isn't like as big as because people like wanna keep working

like stay alive it does help the active mind is help I mean when you because i think when you do stop you stop a lot of other stuff right like you probably slow down your eating habits get worse your exercise kind of goes away you don't probably engage as much with like mental exercise which i think society does help that that's why you see so many people in new york that are like a thousand years old and they're still taking the subway he's like because they're

active they're still doing something yeah so you see people in new york on the subway i've seen people on there they're like legitimately a hundred years old and like where are you going like where it's but in you know i just think yeah you can speed up you can slow down or speed up your death i think staying active helps and i do think like we work what we do i don't know i'll probably do this till i'm dead yeah don't you think you'll probably do come imagine doing a podcast when we're 90 that's sad no one will listen no one will pay they will though they will because they'll be old like us too yeah and we'll talk about the good old days yeah you know when you'd whip it and nene and people and the younger kids be like what is that yeah idea yeah when you whip a nene that's a

really outdated term now yes i'm uncomfortable that you brought it up it's so old and dorky but that's why we would be talking about it we're 90 there is going to be those moments of like what what like i just saw a tiktok with third eye blind and i was like i wonder how many kids on tiktok know who third eye blind is not a lot yeah i was like what is it because it was like, I wonder how many kids on TikTok know who Third Eye Blind is. Not a lot. Yeah. I was like, what? Because it was like promoted and trending in the For You page. And I was like, are they trying to push Third Eye Blind to the new 17-year-olds on TikTok? I was like, there's no way they know who that is. No.

But they do love our stuff. Like those young kids. They do. But they only love the stuff of ours that's like, that was worth loving. Like what? Like Britney is our generation. Yeah. But they love it because it was great.

Yeah. Yeah, but they don't know a lot of stuff that, they don't know like the band Space Hog. No, I don't know that either though. Yeah, you do. You know the song so well. What song? Ooh. No. That was pretty good in here we pour whiskey hey back at it again to tell you about that squarespace uh i've spoken

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No. How old are you? Older than you. How much? A lot? I'm 38. You're not... Oh, only five years.

I'm 33. Yeah, but this might have skipped. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know that. Shit. That makes me really sad. Oh, this was in 95. Yeah, and in 95, you were how old you were born in you

were born in 1988 yeah yeah seven you were only yeah this happens a lot with dave because dave dave's a grown-up he's my fiance and he's 10 years older than me and they'll be he's just like you really haven't seen that or you haven't heard of it and it like makes him so infuriated every time when i'm just like tell him to give me a call when he's pissed off just be like santino you know i'm like i do he's like see see that would make him feel so much better yeah to have someone to like uh to lament about you about you missing what's the one thing that he's like in love with that you don't you have no reference to that it bums him out it's like movies or music it's both of those things i i don't even remember the names and stuff but it's often movies music books tv all things yeah we have like nothing in common and i think that's great we're in love and we have literally nothing in common like we have

no similar interests your sense of comedy is the same yeah that's true yeah your sense of humor is very similar but i actually love and thrive off the fact that we like different things and have no similar interests. No, I guess that's actually really good. I think we're the same too. I think like she's got, yeah, there's things that she's super into that I'm like, I have no interest in that whatsoever. That's so cute to me like i love that for you well it's also weird because she didn't have cable as a kid which i am those kids really weird me out shocked by those kids are always weird what did you do like

ran after cats what would or people whose parents didn't let them watch the simpsons shame i'm like shame my parents were cool about almost everything. We were TV kids for sure. But Married with Children, my mom didn't like. Oh, really? I love that show. No, no. She didn't want me to watch it. She was like, that's the topics, the language, the- It was bad.

It was definitely not good for me in my brain. I loved it so much. I just thought it was like such a, it was like a new honeymooners. It was our generation's honeymooners. It was such a raw, real look at, and those were Midwest people. So to me, it was like, these are Chicago. That's what Chicago people are like that I know. It just felt like Roseanne was the same way.

You're like, this is my aunt and my uncle. Like I know these people. Yes. And I did love it, but don't you think it's weird? Like, and maybe I'm just remembering broad strokes of it, but like, it does just basically say like, you're supposed to hate your wife yeah you are they've hate you and that's how you know you're in love yeah no there was no that wasn't that was a very like um I think the irony of that kind of that behavior or that those jokes was that and he did this a lot too they did it on the show that he he was like

I love you peg like they'd have these wonderful breakdown moments that's what i'm not remembering but the jokes always were those like peg god damn it was always this that's where i'm saying the honeymoon was like to the mooney that you know it's that whole idea of like she drives me nuts but i'm in love with her yeah i think it's almost like a sweet play uh and the kids are idiots and assholes i mean that's what the simpsons are almost the same thing in the sense of like, Homer's a big, fat, dumb idiot, but Marge is a goofball that loves a big, fat, dumb idiot. And their kids, you know, the two and a half kids joke that the average American have two and a half kids. That's why Maggie never grew up. That's cool.

And then there's one smart kid and one asshole idiot. Which one were you? Neither. You're not smart or an one asshole idiot. Which one were you? Neither. You're not smart or an asshole? No. You were just empty? That is what my dad calls me. Holy shit, this feels weird.

I'm your dad now. Oh my God. My dad literally calls me empty. He's like empty. As a nickname? Yes. Come here, empty. Because when I go home, I just sit there and I don't speak and I just don't want to talk.

And he calls me Empty. Wait, you're an only child. Half only child. My dad's only child. My mom has my sister from her first marriage. But we don't talk to her. We do talk to her. We don't.

No, you do. Your mom's first marriage? Is that wild? When did you find out she was married before you? I don't remember but i do the you know what scared me so much when i was little was learning that my mom had her own mom and dad because i was like what like but we're your family right like that's not your family this is your family like that freaked me out so much do you remember learning that and freaking out? You're talking about my grandparents?

Yeah. No, I didn't receive it that way. Mine was, this is your grandparents, and you immediately fall in love with them because they shower you with so much attention and love. And you're the only thing on earth that they care about. My grandparents, my relationship is different because we're such a big family that it was it's different because it was so many of us like it was like when we had a family the a family outing picnic or whatever i met people i never even knew that i was related to because we're so big my mom's one of 10 kids whoa yeah there's a million cousins a million cousins. It's endless. It's literally endless.

And we're all, you know, relatively close. I mean, I moved away, but we're getting closer as we get older, which is kind of cool. Yeah. One of my cousins is moving here and I'm very excited about it. I'm really excited. I got like giddy when he said he was going to move to LA. I was like, oh my God, I can't wait for that. Just to have something from Chicago here is nice.

I would absolutely love it more than anything if one of my best friends from Skokie moved here. That would be like... It's not going to happen. It's never going to happen. They don't leave. It'd have to be work. Yeah.

He works in the industries. Why is he going to come out here? Oh, that's so cool. He works in the books and bookkeeping side of it. So like the finance side of it. So, you know, he's not in our world. Can he be my accountant? He doesn't want to.

Okay. So he told you already? Yeah, he said that. He goes, is Esther looking for new finance people? And I said, I think so. And he goes, well, it's going to be tough because nobody wants to work with her. Those books are tattered. What do you spend the most money on?

Does your accountant ever go, hey, man, we should not. No, because that's not what an accountant does, is it? That's what a business manager does. I don't have a business manager. Do you? I do. What do you, like, how does that work? Someone else tells you what to do with your money? We don't have that relationship, but he does for a lot of clients. It depends on your level of independence. He always says like, if you want to handle your own books, you can. And if you want to work together with me on investments, that's what I'll do. But some people are like like here's all my money tell me what i can do with it and tell me what cards i can use and tell me my spending limits some people just don't have

any jewish relatives right they don't they're not jewish right or they never grew up around them and they never knew them and and i'm not jewish like wealthy jews i'm like the cheap jews like just i feel like my parents were so cheap that i don't have that issue right like i not gonna i just bought myself a corolla like boss i'm a fucking boss it's really sick i did drive it down the stairs right outside yeah yeah last time esther was here we were like i there was time had enough time had passed was like, all right, let's pack up and get out of here. And we walk outside, and Esther's like, I am so embarrassed. I look over. Her car is halfway down a stair.

There's like a little set of stairs to go to the street, and she's halfway on, halfway off. But we got it. It worked. Yeah, that was cool. I was concerned. The bottom of your Corolla is wrecked. It's probably not doing great, but it'll get figured out. It'll get figured out. It all gonna work itself out so your parents were like your parents were really um

we don't say cheap jews on this podcast okay no no and my mom isn't even jewish only my dad is but they're oh so you're not real that's right yeah that's right what do they call you i call myself whatever i want i shiksa is a white a non-Jew that marries into Jews A Shiksa is just a non-Jewish woman That's it Oh I thought it was a non-Jewish woman who married into a Jewish family I'm pretty sure no I think anyone Shiksa is just a dumb white bitch

I think I think so I don't know Oh I thought for some reason it was a more It was like the Shiksa got it you know married into the family I thought it was like that kind of thing But you would know more than my Would i though i'm not even really jewish i'm more jewish than you are yeah i can tell like is there a term is there do you know any terms for like uh what's the term for mistress and is there a mistress term i don't like speak

yiddish hebrew yeah yiddish is well you you are more, Yiddish is good. Well, you are more Jewish than me. A hundred percent. Like, you know the term, you know the term gomal? You know that? Yeah. In Italian? From the Sopranos, yeah. Oh, right. That's right.

Yeah. People do know that. I want to know if there's that kind of stuff in the Yiddish people. Yeah, there's a lot of that. Yeah, I want to know. Why can't you bring some of that information to the table? Get connected with your fucking history, dude. The problem is because you said you have all these relatives. I have nobody because my dad had me so late in life.

All of his relatives were passed away. So I am like, I don't have that. You have no connection to the family like that? No. And is his sister older or younger? She's seven years older than me. And yeah. Is she successful? She's got two kids. So she's seven years older than me and um yeah is she successful she's got two kids

so she's doing great she's happy yeah she and she lives in skokie no they live out in they actually live way out like by wisconsin i'm trying to think of a town that i know up there by the border my uncle lives up there i don't know i just don't go up there i honestly don't wonder lake is where she lives really yeah on a lake no i want to die on a lake bad why i just love lakes what is up with midwest people you guys love lakes like i'm not i don't get it you're not one of us i'm really not i don't fit in you don't like lakes the stillness of the water the idea that there's no imminent threat

underneath the water there's no sharks nothing's gonna hurt ya in the morning it's like glass ugh it's beautiful I love lakes

I love lakes I've always loved a good lake something about it the water sports you can do on it the tininess of it there's tides but it's a very small tide. It's not that strong. Many people don't know that.

That's what killed What's-Her-Name. What's that girl's name? Why can't I think of her? Naya Revere. Yeah, do you know that? That's crazy. I spoke to a guy that used to be a diver for L.A. County. They would dive when there was an accident or something that happened.

Because they have to call out divers when there's water accidents, right? So he was diving and he spoke to he's retired now and he spoke to one of the guys that dove on that incident. Oh my gosh. And he said what they, you know, because they were trying to put together how it all happened. Yeah, because that was so strange.

Super weird, yeah. And they think she ran out of energy because she was so strange super weird yeah and um they think she ran out of energy because she was kind of fighting against the tide and people like there is no tide in the lake and it's like yes there actually is a pull to a lake oddly enough people don't know that what does that really mean though i don't like it pulls you down uh it doesn't like suck you underneath the water but it it's kind of moving you away from whatever object you're trying to get to strong enough that it's hard to get back to that is so fucking scary scary i know and i told him i was like because i never knew lakes had tides he's like yeah yeah they do have some sort of pull and i was like really

so your friend is a diver and he's like gone on missions like that he did that for years then he retired i think he was a fire he was a firefighter at first and he worked for then he was uh i don't even know the specific title, but yeah, that's what he did. They would dive during accidents and stuff like that. When water accidents, you know, boat accidents or jet ski accidents or whatever. And they would have to find out evidence and sadness. Sadness.

Wow. And it was crazy. But that sounds like maybe this is fucked up to say, but like such a cool job. It's cool to find sad stuff. But underwater. Underwater sad stuff is cooler. The thought of even just being able to see underwater, I'm like, that's cool. It is wild.

I've never seen underwater. You're discovering all the time. Yeah. Yeah, you're finding stuff. I know. It probably would be a tough job because you're really piecing together something sad that happened. Okay, yeah. But also, you know, maybe you're finding acing together something sad that happened okay yeah but also you know maybe you're

finding a gold coin down there you're like this is how he died also we got some change at the bottom diving would be cool i want to go i want to go uh i've never scuba dove i've only snorkeled i want a scuba dive have you ever done it never i can't can't swim. At all? No. What happened? Nothing. I never learned. Mom and dad never threw you in a pool? So that's why you don't, that's why you're like, why do you guys like lakes? Because you can't swim.

Oh, that's right. Have you never, have you never jumped off a dock in a lake? Of course not. What? That's like part of being a kid in the Midwest is jumping off a dock in a lake. How have you never experienced that life? I don't know. I don't know how to ride a bike.

I don't know how to swim. I've never tried alcohol. This is why me doing edibles is like, I can't believe what's out there. There's so much out there. You getting a tattoo and doing edibles is like, this is your rock bottom right now. I'm a little scared for you. You should be be i drove down the stairs recently like i have problems but you were sober yeah yeah so that was just esther bns yeah that's just you doing your thing man i noticed so they filled in the stairs yes they did was that because of me yes it was it literally was

because of you they filled in the stairs they like, we can't have that happen again because it's wildly inconvenient and someone could get very hurt. So look at that. You made, you know what laws- I changed the world. That's what we're out here trying to do. And I did it. You really did.

Wait, I want to ask you something because we haven't spoken about. I just got a check the other day from when I did Alone Together. Oh, really? Thank you. Well, I'm sure it was like for 35 cents, but you're welcome. It was $19.16. So thank you.

No, honestly it is. But I got the check and I thought, because we had spoken about you coming on the podcast last week and when I got the check in the mail, I was like, oh wow, that's so weird that she's coming on the show. And then I thought, that was a fun show for, I mean, from the outside.

I didn't work on it like you did. But like, do you want to do your own show again? Or was that it? Oh, no, of course I want to do that again. That was so much fun. And I learned so much about how to do that. So I would love to do it again someday. But yeah, that was really fun having you on it.

I had a great time. Like, it's, that's really fun when you can, like, have your friends come in. That's what I think would make doing your own show, again, worth it. Like, I would like to do my own show at some point, but I don't, the work is, I think people have no idea how much fucking work goes into it. I, like, don't even know, because you just said that, and I'm like, of course you should have your own show. But then I'm like, you do so much it's exhausting you would have to like pre-record all your podcasts and then like have three months to dedicate i don't know it'd be hard yeah like this is my own show like this and bad friends are our shows these are our tv shows now they are but i mean doing a tv show

is still is because when they when it's done right when a comic does their own show and it and it's done like what louis did his show was just good what what larry does with curb it's like when it's done right it's fucking phenomenal yeah but it's it's i just think it's so hard to do and so many great comics have tried and it's tough because they don't plug and play like they used to it's not like tim allen is tool is tool time everyone loves raymond is the sitcom dad and rosanna is the sitcom mom now comics want to be you know you want a show that's more subversive or oh yeah that's true yeah it's just it's not plug and play like it used to be they used to like give you a deal from just you go to jfl and they'd be like here's an nbc deal and we're gonna make a show about you and your life and then... Yeah, but it's so much better now because look at what you have.

You have bad friends and this show, like, this is way better. This is probably better. It's probably more, it's definitely more fun and less pressure.

And you're more in charge and you have more control and stuff like that. I'm the boss. I was, I did a stand-up show last night with Benji and a couple

Alone Together fans came and I was like, why is this show, I feel like, first of all, the fans of that show are always freaks and I love it. But I do think that when it's a show where you're writing the part for yourself and you're making it more of a real person than what you see on network TV where you don't feel it's a real person that, I don't know. That's what I like about those kinds of shows. Yeah. That shows you name too. No, you're right. It is. Well, that, that it was more grounded or whatever the word is. And yeah,

you guys were pretty good together. I mean, he's tough to look at on camera, but I do, I do love him very, very much. Well, as soon as I started working on Dollface with three amazingly gorgeous women, I was like, I miss when Benji was my co-star because I was so beautiful. Yeah, you stood out a lot.

You stood out a lot. And Dollface, what season now? We just shot season two. Two, right? Yeah. Your friend Shay Mitchell. My boo.

Love her. Yeah yeah she is wonderful shay is shay is great she is very very cool and uh look i hope that show keeps going for the sake of you and your family and your pockets but also because people need to see you on tv more you're so nice people need to see you on tv more you're so you're so kind well you're you know and when you say that these three beautiful co-stars like, you know, I think you're prettier than all of them. That's creepy,

first of all. It's not true. Some of them are kind of ugly. That's not. Some of them are hideous. That's not what is true. Dare I say, you're the only good-looking

one on the show. You know what? You're right. Thank you. Actually, I changed my mind. I'll go along with this. You're the shortest on the show. That is very true. And I don't, I'm the only one that doesn't wear right. Thank you. Actually, I changed my mind. I'll go along with this. You're the shortest on the show. That is very true.

And I'm the only one that doesn't wear heels. I look like Danny DeVito in every scene. Every scene, I'm Danny DeVito. Wait, why don't you wear heels? Ever? They fucking hurt my feet. I don't get it. I just can't do it.

Did you never wear heels? No, I never have worn them. Right now, do you own heels at home? No. Really? Do you? Yeah. I have, I never have worn heels. Right now, do you own heels at home? No. Really? Do you? Yeah. I have a couple of pairs of heels.

You look good in them. Just for when I want to boss up. And you look really good. I have good stems. I'm not going to lie. I have really good fucking stems. That's like I thought about one time we were eating at Hamburger Mary's and they used to deliver your checks in heels, in a shoe, in a stiletto.

You know, your bill would come in a stiletto. And because they were, you know, typically like a drag queen's shoes, it would be big. They would be like 12, 12 and a half. And I thought, I could fucking rock these things, you know? And I've tried. I've tried. It's very uncomfortable.

So I understand. Thank you. But beauty is pain. It doesn't have to be. I swear. It should be is the problem. It doesn't have to be, but it should. Everyone should be in pain to look pretty all the time. No, you're right. Comfort is key. Fuck that. Women should only wear heels if they want to wear heels because they do look like a fucking nightmare. Anytime we're out at like a nice dinner, I'm always like, there's no way she's comfortable standing there. There's just no fucking way. It just doesn't look.

It's like a balancing act on a fucking toothpick all the time. It doesn't look fun. But then there are women that fully nail it. Like Lady Gaga. She just fucking runs on stage in her heels and just working. And I'm like, praise be like be like yes like we need you our society needs you but it also needs me it needs you more in my opinion you can have a couple gaga's in there but you gotta have a lot more esters you gotta have 30 million esters we're

out there you're out there girl there is a lot of esters out there not not named ester anymore that's since gone away since the 30s i think yes listen i i think like the coming back to this naming kids um hip names i'm over i'm so over it now because my friends i'll have kids with fucking annoying names i'm going i want to go back to naming them old people names thank you i'm serious i think it should come back because I'm tired of fucking- But what old, like old, old or like old, like Alexis and like Stephanie? No, no, no. Old. Those are 90s names.

Yeah. 90s, 80s. Yeah. Like how many Katie's did you grow up with? A million. Sean, Katie. It's like, you don't, I don't think you hear those names anymore. That was our little generation.

That was our nook. Andrews are kind of oddly rare. It's such a normal, boring name, but it's not,s are kind of oddly rare it's such a normal boring name but it's not it's kind of timeless because it's because it's empty because it's an empty name no but i want old names to come back like what guinevere something like that yeah you know it is so one here's the one big downfall to my name, Esther, which I am very comfortable with now. But you know what really hurts is when people accidentally call me Ethel. I'm like, that just like makes it too real.

It like makes me stare down the barrel of truth that like my name is Esther and it sounds like an old lady. Like Ethel, it's not it's just never gonna be cute when I get called Ethel well Esther is cute Esther to me is very cute but it's maybe it's because of your stature that I I think Esther and I immediately think of you I don't see another person when I hear the name right yeah there's some names I see 15 people in my head because they don't really it's like too many people have that kind of esther is you you're the only esther i've ever known yeah that's not true no esther ku esther ku is out there yes she's asian and esther for asian has got to be rare it's not it makes no sense most esthers i meet are asian i don't know why really yes that's like my neighbor

my neighbor uh My neighbor. They're my neighbors growing up. They were Indian and his name was Neil. And I was like, I know several Neil. It's very common. Yeah. But but but but his name was Neil, which is just regular. His sister's name was very Indian.

And I was like, oh, is that. But Neil's very common for Indian men. I wonder why. Neil deGrasse Tyson probably had some influence on that no no is neil armstrong no no none of this stuff is real i'm just making all this bullshit up of course it was neil brennan neil brennan a lot of indian kids got named after neil brennan that one makes sense that one to me might be the most on the mark yeah i don't know why we could look it up but i don't care enough to find out but I'm gonna name my kids Neil

I'm gonna name my kids Something old No they're gonna be I'm gonna name my kids Neil Brennan I'm gonna name my kids Something old If I have kids

I wanna name them Something old and sweet And humble And like what were Your grandparents names Your parents parents As you referred to them Esther

Oh that's her And Abraham Ooh Abe is cool Yeah Abe is cool yeah abe is cool see abe is a good name that's a good one not abraham though abe abe is is cool and then that's my dad's parents they died before i was born and then my mom is my my mom's mom is marlene oh marlene and Ooh, Marlene. And Richard was my, yeah. Boring. Yeah. But Marlene is good. Yeah.

Marlene and Abe. Yeah, those are good. That's my kids' names. Marlene and Abe. Marlene and Abe. Oh, okay. Merlie Abe? Merlie Abe.

Yeah, anything like that. Any of those old. I like old names too. Yeah, there's something about it. Yeah. My grandmother, Her name was Catherine But her middle name was Mary But everybody called her Mary

They called her Mary and she didn't Mary Catherine Gallagher is your grandmother? That's my grandmother She's a superstar But everybody called her by her middle name And so because of that she gave my mom no middle name My mom has no middle name whoa she didn't want people to call her by any other name than the name she named her control over correcting interesting way i yeah i like i like old names too i i'm hmm i forgot what i was gonna say good. Good. Sit in the pocket.

You're not on it now, are you? Are you on the drugs? No, no, no, no. Do your parents know that you're using edibles? Yeah, they are not into it. Wait, why? It's legal. I think they're just like, what has happened to you?

You're not who we know anymore. And yeah. But you've been so reserved your whole life. Isn't it about time at 33 that you kind of crack yourself open a little bit and let it go i think that's a very dangerous game to play like i think that's scary like i can feel there's like people out there that have been like she's gonna crack and they're right i'm they're right yeah you're a lunatic inside you're deep down there's something rumbling about yeah you know bursting at the seams with demons whatever it is you tell me what you see i never saw that in you i saw sweet innocent but also might hurt somebody might hurt somebody i feel like you could get physical if it really

came down to it you'd be like you'd be in a murder mystery movie you'd be the you would obviously be the one who no one would assume but you would be the one that did it thank you because you're unassuming i love that that's that's a beautiful title for me unassuming the one that did it the one that did it that's a great and your next special the one that did it would you do another special yeah of course yeah i don't know you say of course i don't think i'll ever do i don't i don't know what i don't know your stand-up is so funny and good what are you like how could you not share that with all of us keeping it like come see me live i'm always like come see it live jay leno i've talked about this a thousand times but jay leno had this article in rolling stone where he

said they said why don't you put out a special all your friends are putting one out and they you know all these older guys are putting like when ray romano did another one and he was like i don't know just i'd rather just keep it live come see me live i don't think specials ever capture the thing that they don't ever capture but some of them are phenomenal yeah right like we i've had friends that you know shane gillis just put out a special and his is fucking great there are specials that come out that are still great i think it's hard to capture what happens live because live is so vulnerable and fun and stupid and not polished. And stand-up to me is supposed to be so unpolished and all over the place. I do agree with that.

And I think that people underestimate how magical a live show can be. So good. can be so good like i that going to see gaga in vegas or seeing like a great comic that will energize my life for like the next month i like have a new personality and i feel like i see things clearer like just connecting with a talented performer that you that like you can see yourself or see things in like that you'll never get that in any special so you're all right yeah yeah yeah gaga in vegas by the way how good did you go no i'm saying how good was that incredible she's it's she's so dedicated to the live art to the art form of the vegas nightclub show yeah like she really vegas stood up i mean she's big into performance is who she really is yeah so she

sells the fuck out of it. Tony Bennett, was she doing shows with him, right? He wasn't there. He retired because he has Alzheimer's. I know, but he was still doing shows while he was, while he, I saw that thing. Yeah, he did in New York. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was really sweet.

Yeah. And he remembered her name and it made her cry. You watched 60 Minutes? I did. I love that show. I thought it was sweet. I thought it was so fucking sweet to watch that. But I also just, I think people that do still,

you do still need people, like it's the reason we have rules. You're like, the rules are stupid. And you're like, I know, but sometimes it's nice to have order. And so it's the same line of thinking that like, I like that people hold up certain traditions. And she's kind of a traditionalist

in the sense of like the performance and the, you know, she is this fucking embodies this thing that's bigger than larger than life. And I think if we start losing those things, it gets a little weird because it's easy to write off everything and be like, we don't need that shit anymore. Tradition's fucking lame. This is lame. Or that's, I think you got to preserve some of that because you need people to be those people. Otherwise, it'll be just boring and monotonous yeah

she's good too I know she turns it the fuck on have you ever seen her? no I just think she's so fucking powerful everything I've ever seen that she's done I'm like super impressed and she's not someone I would pop on on my Spotify and listen to

I just think she's great yeah I'm glad that you recognize it I respect the fuck out there's a lot of artists that I respect that I'm like i'm not gonna listen to it but i think it's amazing i feel like i've come a long way from like middle school with all the guys in my class making fun of me for liking britney spears and like now here we are and like i'm being shown some respect for liking lady gaga it's like this is really big for me yeah but i secretly loved a lot of fucking i don't know i i don't think uh i don't think I was the guy that would have given you shit.

I don't think so either. Because I loved, what song came on the other day? Oh, well, Britney had a bunch of bangers. It's kind of like how I felt Miley Cyrus. Like, that girl has a fuckload of songs that I'm like, oh, turn it on. My dad's favorite song is Party in the USA and I mean it. 100%. It's so good.

I play it when we come home and my dad loves favorite song is Party in the USA, and I mean it. 100%. It's so good. I play it when we come home, and my dad loves that song. By the way, on the other side of that arc is my father likes old folk country. You know what I mean? That's his vibe. Taylor Swift? Taylor Swift. I don't think he likes T-Swift for some reason. And I'm 50-50.

Yeah, I'm the same. I can take it or leave it. There's some really good songs, but also... Enough with the boys! We get it! Boys are the worst. She's going to be 60 singing about boys. This boy that broke my heart.

These are men. You're old. How old is she now? I don't know. In her 30s, 20s? I don't know. She's an adult now. I don't know.

By this point. Yeah. At this juncture. Not that I want to talk pop culture, but of all people that I can talk with, it could be you. Do you know Pete Davidson is dating Kim Kardashian? Is that the funniest thing you've heard? I don't know if that's true. It is. Why do you say that? Because that guy's a

fucking magnet. That guy's a force of nature. Yeah, but... This isn't the first uber famous person he's dated. Why would you be surprised? Well, it seemed like Kim and Kanye are working it out and i think nah no dude i knew i even i literally said this when i was watching snl i was watching on youtube the next day um the sketch where he he was aladdin and she was the princess and he kissed her and i

was like they're hooking up for sure no no doubt in my mind there was no there wasn't even a fucking pause when i saw that dude it's so obvious it's maybe you're right i'm being naive yeah why do you think people on like bradley cooper and lady gaga the same thing that was obvious yeah but it's the same thing it's like when people have all this like love on film it's impossible for them to hide the idea that they obviously fell in love in real life as well i think those are two separate stories though like gaga and bradley cooper were clearly in love they were like they fell in love because of the movie yes but kim and pete were not in a movie together they just did a sketch on snl like that's it but but to them it was just as much of a connection she spends a week there in the writer's room working with these people she makes this kind of you know how you do a fucking she spends a week there in the writer's room working with these people she makes this

you know how you do a fucking movie or a TV show and you're like we're like a family because you work together for a little bit it's like you think

you do fall in love on television and film sets with people I'm not saying it has to be sexual but you absolutely fall in platonic love

with people on sets I've done it a million times there's dudes that I met on set that I've become best friends with and they're like homies for life and they're in your heart

in a different way. Yeah, yeah. You fall for people. You fall for people because you work in this environment of weird stress and pressure and talent and I think that ball of energy makes you start to fall in love with people.

In the people. Again, it doesn't have to turn to the I want to fuck these people. No, again, doesn't have to turn to the, I want to fuck these people. No, you're absolutely right. Like, the way that the connection I feel with my co-stars on Dollface is, like, disturbing. Like, I'm obsessed with them. We talk about planning vacations together. Yeah, you're in love.

Yes. So, you're right. And I think I'm just, you know what? You're totally catching me that I'm being super naive and I, like, don't want like defile him why why what's wrong with Pete because Pete fucks everybody and it's annoying to me no let him fly let him have fun his dad died in 9-11 you jerk that's not a pass that's a big pass did your dad die in 9-11 no no we'll call me when he does and then we'll talk about your sexual history i love pete i think he has hilarious i don't personally i don't fuck with fuck boys so when i i like kim i really do like kim kardashian like sorry i i love her why sorry

who cares you're right but i don't know maybe i just i love kim and kanye together so i think it's kind of making me uncomfortable and challenging my reality right in a way you only like them but i think you it's also the idea that they have children so you're like no you want that to work out i don't care about i do not give a fuck about the kids okay well then why do you like them together so much then because they're both like psychos i just see i think that they help each other like make us cute products to buy you know

like I want to buy Yeezys I want to buy Skims and like it seems like whoever's behind the scenes creatively on both of those brands like yeah it's working

yeah I get it and I want to keep giving my money to them it's why No Doubt's best album was Tragic Kingdom is what you're trying to say why well because that was

from the breakup of her and Tony. That was like the greatest album she ever made because she was going through love and heartbreak and heartache at the same time. What was the love part? Well, you're still in love with people that you break up with. Oh, right. Inherently, there's no doubt. Lift up your foot and show the camera the Yeezys that you've got on right now,

you fucking pimp. I know. You stormed in here with some Yeezys. Those are so fly. Really? You like them? I think they're sick. Oh, that makes me happy.

Because I don't like the new slides that he has. You know, the new slides. They're not like flip-flop slides. They're covered, but they're sliding your feet. Yeah, yeah. I don't like them. They look like fish feet. They're weird looking.

They're a little weird looking. Those are dope, though. Thank you. Because those just remind me of old school 90s basketball shoes. Yeah. like that how much were they go ahead not a lot how much uh i think i spent 240 because it's the kids version it's not those are the kids version without a doubt those are the children they're not but they are the smallest size that they make what are they four what that's a real size a man four damn girls five and a half girls five kids three if you're looking to buy me shoes for some reason please don't please do please don't please do but i am a kids three wait kids three yeah that's dope you have you bought kids shoes yeah i usually

don't like to do it though because i'm telling you, they make the kids things cheaper and there's less support because you weigh less. Like I prefer not to. It's not the dream scenario that you might think that it is. I didn't think it was a dream to wear kid's shoes. That wasn't really,

that's not where my brain went. But wait, let me ask you this. I know this is, it's not inappropriate because we're friends, but. Are you going to ask like how big is my dick? Like because we're friends but are you gonna ask like how big is my dick like what are you gonna ask me how big is your dick no when you got to the weight that you were at how old were you i feel like you stopped growing at one at a weight you don't have

to tell me how much i don't know but you did stop yes height and weight it just stopped forever then you've been the same for no wait come on no wait, come on. I like candy. There's fluctuations left and right all day long. You're a teeny tiny dude. I don't know when I stopped growing, but I've always been the shortest. Did you ever have hopes that it might get a sprout? I never even had hopes. I always knew because I was always so much smaller. It was not like, oh, normal, and then everyone else grew and I didn't. It was like,

I was always miniature. That's kind of nice, though. Yeah, like, you know your place in life right away. Yeah. You never got in trouble. If everyone got caught,

you were never yelled at, were you? You're at a party. You're at a, you're at, you're at a house. Mom comes home. What are you girls up to esther does not get yelled at

you're right you don't i think that's more with like the fat face like the round friendly face than the short you have a sweet face but you're also tiny i don't want to yell at the tiny girl she didn't do it i know she didn't do it there's no doubt in my mind she didn't do it the tiny girl didn't do it that's how you feel the tiny girl didn't do it whatever it is the tiny she didn't do it. There's no doubt in my mind she didn't do it. The tiny girl didn't do it. That's how you feel. The tiny girl didn't do it. Whatever it is, the tiny girl didn't do it. Are you touring right now?

Are you doing shows? Yeah, I'm going to San Francisco this week. What, seriously? Yeah, cops one night. That's awesome. Yeah. I had so much fun. I had so much fun.

I was exhausted too. One of the nights I had a little bit too much sauce because I flew back to LA and flew back and my schedule was insane but the rest of the shows i mean most of the shows were very very fun late shows are hard because everyone's drunk and i was drunk i was a little buzzed but i told him i said dude i was had a long day i had three hours of sleep getting up there and that schedule was insane so fun i would love to be in the audience at a show with someone watching a performer I love, and they're like, I'm a little drunk.

I actually think that would be— I was very drunk, not a little drunk. I was pulling it. I felt a little bad. I was like, oh, no, was I too drunk? But I told him up front, I said, listen, dude, I've had the longest week of my life of I was flying all over the place and flying back and forth, and then, you know, whatever. I'm sure some people were like,

but for the most part, dude, that was fun, man. So you're going to be at Cobbs in San Francisco, what, Friday? Thursday. Oh,

this comes, so yesterday you were there. Oh, okay. This comes out on Friday? Friday, sorry. Well,

I'll be in New York City in a week. I'll be at the Gramercy Theater for the comedy. Oh, I'm there the same night as you, so nevermind. Wait a minute, are you? Yeah. On the 14th? Yeah a minute are you yeah on the 14th

yeah you are you play the fort no i play on sun i play i'm sunday i think you're at night and i'm like i'm because i have a six o'clock show i'm sunday night so how about this people that are come to new york if you can't get tickets to andrew because he's sold out no i'm not sold out yet go to new york and come see come see esther esther earlier in the night at six and i'm at let's find out what time i am because i sold out yet. Go to New York and come see Esther earlier on the night at 6. I'm at 6. And I'm at, let's find out what time I am

because I actually want to know. And I don't want to plug mine if yours is at the same time. No, what do you mean? Who gives a shit? What do you mean? Who cares? Who cares?

And also, what's your website for tickets so people can find out? Esther on, you guys, so I'm coming to New York. I'm going to Austin. I think I got Indianapolis.

I got a lot of dates coming up. Esther on ice.com for tickets. Esther on ice.com. Yeah, I did that as a joke because like Disney on ice, but then everyone's like, it sounds like you do meth. Yeah. So that is a thing. Okay.

That is a thing. Okay. But it is cool though. So your show's at six? Yeah. I'm at like 730. That's great. Go to both shows.

Go to Andrew's show. Why? Go to both. But anyway, go see her in Austin. Go see her on the rest of her tour estheronice.com this is going terribly yeah

it ends with estheronice.com I think estheronice do you have merch that says estheronice because I think it'd be so fucking funny I do not

you must you must get a cool artist to make an estheronice shirt because I think that's huge and then make it a meth reference okay make it like you

skating on a rink just like the Disney on ice, but it looks like you're on meth. I'm into that. It could be easy to do. Go to estheronice.com. I appreciate you. I love you.

Thank you for doing this. Same. Look in that. Oh, also watch Trash Tuesdays. Do watch that because that's the fam over there. We love them. And Esther is so very funny. So look into that camera

and say one word or one phrase to end the episode. This is big, so take your time if you need it. Okay, I need like an hour. Okay, we just did an hour. Okay. So should have thought about it by now.

Just one word? Or a phrase. You can do a word or a phrase. A phrase. It used to be a word and people got over it. You are who you hang out with. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, It used to be a word and people got over it. You are who you hang out with.

In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You are that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent.

Ginger. I like gingers.