Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Mark Normand 2.0

Episode Date: April 30, 2021

Santino sits down with the best voice in comedy Mark Normand to chat about him being a cat guy now, doing corporates and why he doesn't do college gigs anymore, the parallels of skateboarding and standup and how he got rona twice!!! COME SEE ME ON TOUR!!! https://www.andrewsantino.com ORDER SOME MERCH!!! https://www.andrewsantinostore.com Join our Patreon : https://www.patreon.com/whiskeygingerpodcast SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS! MAGIC SPOON CEREAL Get a healthy late night with Keto friendly, gluten free, grain free, soy free DELICIOUS CEREAL https://magicspoon.com/ginger Use code GINGER for $5 OFF!!! HELLO FRESH Americas number one meal kit!!! Get delicious food sent to your front door ready to be cooked by you! https://www.hellofresh.com/whiskey 12 USE PROMO "whiskey12" for 12 FREE meals plus shipping!!! Follow Santino on Insta and Twitter: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ https://twitter.com/CheetoSantino Whiskey Ginger Insta and Twitter: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeygingerpodcast/ & https://twitter.com/whiskeyginger_ Whiskey Ginger Clips: http://www.youtube.com/c/WhiskeyGingerPodcastClips EDITING AND PRODUCTION DESIGN BY Andres "Fancy B" Rosende Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What up, Whiskey Ginger fans? Welcome back to the show. I got a good one for you today. Like my man Steve Harvey says, in with me in the studio is Kevin Hart. No, it's Mark Norman. Hey, I love this dude. Incredibly funny, incredibly talented, super funny dude, and he's on tour all over the place. Go check him out at marknormancomedy.com. So am I, by the way. MarkNormanComedy.com. So am I, by the way. I'm going to be going to Dallas, Atlantic City, Houston, Boston, Nashville. We're adding dates as we go.

Go to AndrewSantino.com to look that up. I'm going to be all over the map. AndrewSantino.com to get them tickets. Also, on the websites where you can get the merch or look in the merch bar down below if you're on YouTube. And if you want the extra content, the solo Cheeto Chats, the solo pods are going to be on the Patreon at patreon.com slash whiskeygingerpodcast. Very fun.

And the top tier, we Zoom once a month. I'm having a blast with it. It's an easy way to connect with the fans. But come see me on the road. Check me out. Go to andrewsandhuto.com for all those dates. Enough rambling. Let's go to the episode.

In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You are that creature in the ginger field. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent.

Ginger. I whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on earth. I say that for all my guests, but I mean it once again today. It's Mark Norman, ladies and gentlemen. Mark Norman. Hey, good to be here in the bungalow.

Good to be here in the bungalow, baby. Very unassuming out there. I know. Well, we don't want people to know where we shoot this out of, obviously. I like it. And you can tell people what city we're in. We are in La Crescenta. Oh. La Crescenta, California, just north of Sunland. So come see us. The address, of course, is, give them the address. 3829 Beverly Boulevard. 3829 Beverly Boulevard in La Crescenta, California. Come out and see me. Mark, let's start off the right way

I love you, I know you You're one of my favorite comedians to watch I think you are brilliant I think you got a great body, you got great hair Oh thanks, yeah, it's filling in the propitia It's filling in baby, is it working? Oh yeah, I think so The dick isn't, but the hair is

That's never gonna come back What happened to the fanga? Who? What happened to your fanga? I got a cat. Scratch me. I really got a Maine Coon. Why did you get a cat? Just so I can say Coon. Yeah. No, I got a Maine Coon. Girlfriend wanted it, and I was against

it, and then we got it. Now I'm snuggling with it. I'm brushing it. We have a great time. You like it, though? I love it. It's adorable, because a cat's like a pill head. It just sits there all day and sleeps. And then when you hug it, it's awake. Have you ever had an animal before growing up? Did you have animals?

I had cats, but they were like alley cats that would come and go and give you diseases and kill mice and then leave again. Outdoor cats. Yeah, those are the best. Yeah. My wife had outdoor cats growing up. They had barn cats, which I thought if I was going to gonna have cats i want those that go kill stuff yeah and you and then you can go say hi to them because a little bit more they're a little bit more used to chaos they're not scared of

everybody all the time and the dog needs a lot it jumps on you when you walk in a lot of people like that i don't want that no you don't like that no i want the chill i want just like let's just watch tv you're up on my ass licking me it It's too much. I don't want that. It's like a needy gal. All right. I respect that. I like my dog. I think it's, I think getting home and get, especially after the road or being gone for

a while, when you come home and the dog is like excited to see you, it is really nice to feel that, to feel the love of like, ah, something here cares. But you know, when you go to that guy's house, his dog's 10 feet tall and he's jumping on you and you're like, geez, he's like, oh, he's fine. He's fine. you're like geez he's like oh he's fine he's fine you're like he's fine he's clawing me he's got paws on me but then this happened and then this yeah well i went i went in too aggressive yeah yeah see cats check you down they do they do but it's cute because they're they give you the soft bite where you're like you could bite harder but you don't because you're nice and then it just got too into it i don't uh yeah i'm not a

fan my my mom's allergic to cats growing up like people i knew had cats and every time i'd go to their house i just never i never enjoyed them i just something about them i couldn't get over that hump of like yeah cats are like blacks you either love them or hate them and what if you do both what if you love and hate them that's tough what color is your cat black is that on purpose oh yeah diversity you gotta yeah gotta have it in the house did you win an oscar last night i don't know did you win i didn't watch is it real i think it's zoomed now i got oscars it's like halloween i stopped caring about it so i don't ever watch the award shows but i do think they're very funny in the sense of um what what's

turning to happen in the in society and i think it's great i saw on twitter i saw you know they throw up like little speech clips on twitter on twitter my favorite was someone was talking very adamantly about about like how many black people get killed by the cops every day and it was like very like emotional and very and then his partner uh steps up to the mic and he's like we want to thank netflix and ted sarandos i was like dude the juxtaposition is so funny to be on these social platforms and then be like also we want to thank all the producers and everyone that made millions of dollars on it it's just it's kooky they can't even see it like how can you not see it you're on stage holding a gold gold trophy and a 10 million dollar gown right and you're like it's hard out there things are tough you're like come on there's a guy working in a mill it's on it's i understand why people want to get use their platform to have a message

but it gets diluted when the when the event itself is so disingenuous right like the event is disingenuous if it was an event for a charity i'd be like this is a great time to make a big speech yeah but this thing isn't for charity this is a great time to make a big speech. Yeah. But this thing isn't for charity. This is for, to tap each other on the back and say, you won.

You're better than everybody else that does the thing. And six years ago, you were all blowing Harvey. Like, look at that guy. He's the king. We love him. And he was like,

thank you. Thank you. That's why Gervais was great at the Globes when he did that stuff. His monologues were always so fun because all he did was just like shit on all of them. And they, and you watch their faces like they're annoyed that he's doing it at their party.

Yeah. But that's how you know how evil it is because they're like, we thought you were going to be nice. It's like when you do a corporate gig. You know when you do a corporate gig and they're like, oh, shit on us. Oh, every time. And then you do and then they're upset and they're angry at you. Yeah, yeah. I had that exact experience and the guy pulled the mic from me. I was walking people. I broke up a couple of marriages and that guy was like, be vicious.

And he gave me dirt. He gave me a rap sheet and I said everything he told me to and they still hated me and he fired me. I did it for a guy for a venture capital firm in San Francisco and I didn't want to do it. And he goes, what if I pay you to just teach us how to shit on each other internally at the company? That's interesting. And I was like, okay, I could be down for that. Sounds like a bad true TV show. It was.

Come on in and teach you how to roast. Jamie Kennedy presents. Yeah. So I go up there to San Francisco. It was a nice little baby vacation, truly. And I sat in their office and I just was teaching. Really what I did was I read the jokes that they had prepared for each other for this dinner and i was telling them like don't do that don't do that do do that do do that and then i helped them out with some of them but then by the end he was like you know

they were so toasted he was like get up there and light him up dude say whatever you want so i did i mean i shit on this guy for a good 15 minutes because it was really really easy and at the end he was a little upset about it come Come to term, he went to jail. This guy got caught for embezzling and Ponzi and all that shit. So I won. So I ended up winning. Yeah. Yeah, I'm good.

I lit him up. He deserved all of it. No, but that's the thing is rich guys think they want to be on your level. No. Let's have fun. And you're like, you don't want to have fun. No, no. You don't want to have fun.

You're sensitive. Yeah, you're so sensitive. That's why you need to be rich. Right. But I picture him in prison doing pull pull-ups with tattoos of like whiskey ginger. He's thinking about it. When I get out there, fucking ginger is dead. Yeah.

Hey, a little Cape Fear action. So last time we chatted up, we used Louis J. Gomez's jail cell to record this. Oh, yeah. The phone booth. Yeah, the phone booth, which is so funny. The angles on those things, they're 50 feet above your head. It was like CCTV footage, you know?

And I even watched a little bit of it, and I was like, I'm uncomfortable. It's so tight and weird and tense. It was way too tight. This is nice. It's wide open, right? Yeah, I love it here.

So now you're touring around LA doing a bunch of different podcasts, but they're all pretty shit in comparison to this one. I mean, you've done a few. Maron. Bad, bad, bad. Segura.

Bad, bad, bad. Bobbyura. Bad, bad, bad. Bobby Lee. Bad. Stop Asian hate. Well, start it. There you go. Start it with him. You can start it. I think you're not allowed to hate Asians if you don't know them, but if you know them, like I know him, I can hate him. Good point. He's mine. Yeah. He's my little Asian. Yeah, he's short round. He's my little dumpling. I can

say whatever I want because he's my friend. He's your egg roll. You can't do that to others, I understand. You can't hate the outside. Are you out here for a specific reason or no? Well, I was in Salt Lake, which is right over a cop skipping a jump. Wise guys, great club. How fun. Then I'm going to Tacoma.

So I said, eh, LA's kind of in the middle. I'll pop in, say hi to the gang. A smart move. Did you enjoy how Salt Lake had it parceled out to see they because they were telling me they were like we're gonna get the full capacity but they were still kind of not there yet yeah it was well done you know when you do a room that's capacity or half full and it feels fine that's how it felt they weren't spread but it's fine yeah no and i'm going to addison and all that stuff and dallas now is uh they're back to square one they're fine

oh yeah i did it the week it opened and it was like fucking Mardi Gras in there. That's incredible. The guy said we sold more booze on Thursday than we sold in 2020. What? Yeah. Because people are like, let's do it up.

We got Biden money. Everybody knows you did campaign for Biden. You were a big Biden campaign trail guy. You went door to door in New York. Isn't that nuts? I was Elizabeth Warren actually. You were in disguise. Well, I love the Choctaw people. Biden campaign trail guy. You went door to door in New York. Isn't that nuts? I was Elizabeth Warren, actually. You were in disguise.

Well, I love the Choctaw people. All right. You dated Elizabeth Warren for two or three years and then moved on to AOC. That's right. Who was a better dinner date? I'd say AOC had a way bigger clit. She did.

Oh, huge. Huge. Huge. Huge. Huge. Huge. Hammer. The worst thing about uh native new yorkers is the saying huge do you say huge what do you say you say huge brooklyn guy brooklyn yeah huge with an h it's not huge that was all trump yeah he did that he but no a lot of new yorkers i know

say huge i've heard that in new york really have you heard that no you don't hear it you're a chicago cat yeah we don't hear it? You're a Chicago cat. Yeah, we don't say any of that stuff. No, you guys just say cat. We say duck. We love shooting people. That's our favorite thing. We're the best.

We're number one at killing people. We do it. We keep killing, man. Chicago is the murder city, man. You guys can't catch up. You guys are so soft now. Oh, it's crazy. New York is bullshit.

It's all Dwayne Reeds and Pink Berries now. It's shitty. But you guys, you never really see that in the news. The killings? Yeah. I read the Chicago Tribune every single day, and it's in the Tribune every single day. But we know about it. But they don't publicize it to the media because it's endless.

Every day, it's like 10 kids get shot, 12 kids get shot every single day. That's got to be like population control. It's like deer. Yeah. You gotta keep tabs and keep low. Wisconsin asked us to go shoot deer up there

and then we asked them to come down and compile the murder rate. Oh, man. Is New York back open all the way for the clubs? No, no. We got the plexiglass.

You know, New York clubs are so small already so there's like 11 people at a full show. It's weird. So, right, like the cellar

is how many people? 75? What is it? No, it's probably like 160, 180. Is it It's weird. So, right, like the cellar is how many people? 75? What is it? No, it's probably like 160, 180. Is it really? Yeah, they pack it, baby. God, it feels so tiny whenever I see that place. I'm like, that can't be over 100 people.

So what do they do? They have plexi between each table? Between tables. And then the comics have glass up, like on the stage. Wait, like at the bottom of the stage, that goes like floor to ceiling? Yeah, it's like a booth. Wow. You know, it's clear, but it's still there.

I mean, we can all feel it. It's weird. And it feels like you're in an exhibit for stand-up. Right. You know, like, hey, look at me. Remember what this art form was, you know? Right. And it sucks.

There's a real wall. So you don't like it at all? No, no. And it's all optics, I think. What about the outdoor shows, though? Those got picked up, right? Picked up? I mean, it started to pick up as time went on out there like i started to see more and more pop up

definitely and now and we were doing in the snow and shit i mean these comics are animals out there but now it's warm again it's fun so it's not so bad outside you think total optics with all that stuff new york isn't enforcing any of that stuff and making you guys put up any of those uh like do you think they're making the club do that or the club's doing that voluntarily i think they made the club do it initially and now it's silly i mean there was a big com not gonna say who he showed up and showed up at a club huge just think one of the biggest comics on the planet louis big not uncanceled and then said you gotta take that shit down and they took it down just like that and all the comics went, yeah. Chappelle. Nah,

I can't say. Wait, what would be the reason that you can't say? I don't know if he wants it out there. He's a nice guy. I'll tell you later. Yeah,

that's fine. You can tell me off camera. All right, all right, but Chappelle didn't give a shit anyway. He's smoking. Yeah,

no, they don't say anything to him about any of that shit. Yeah, black privilege. Black privilege, baby, black privilege.

You've got a little bit of that, don't you? A yeah sure well i'm a part creole does that does that count i got no black come on no you're all white you're all white and you're all right with me is what i like to say you know i know i know and i'm what alt-right and i'm alt-right yeah i'm alt-right i'm as far as you can get to the right i've never been so far right you know know what I mean? I'm all the way over. Boy, we're so political now. It's crazy. I hate it.

Everything is politicized. Medicine is politicized. Yeah. Voting. It's crazy. But that's the only way for people to make sense. I think that, what is that phrase? You know, the idle hands of the devil's play toy?

Yeah. So it's like this pandemic. Oh, yeah. All it did was make people find shit to be upset about and find shit to target. Before, it wasn't really a thing. Well, you got Grubhub and you got streaming Netflix and all this. The internet's right there. So there was no struggle, really.

We say it's a pandemic and, yeah, a couple people died. But most people are sitting in air conditioning on Twitter. Hanging out, doing nothing. Hanging out, doing nothing. So you got to build something. You got to make something happen. Did you get one of those stimulus checks? They get sent to you?

I never got it. I make too much to be stimuli and too little to be rich. What a great bubble to be in, though. I kind of like this bubble because it still keeps me sane. Right. You know, you go to Whitney's house and you're like, oh, man, you're two feet away from me. It's a literal insane asylum out there in the desert. You're about to put on a robe and have a glass of wine and fall down the stairs.

She talks to coyotes at night. She's nuts. She's absolutely bonkers. I can see that. I can see that. She was sewing a dream catcher when I walked in, just a giant one. Yeah, she'll be a sane catcher. She should get a sane catcher above her bed, see if she catches any sanity floating through

her house. But great lady and very nice. We love the chaos that is Whitney. She came on here and did her fucking hair the whole time. She literally curled her hair in the middle of the podcast. That's who she is. Did you buy a place, by the way? Did you buy your own spot?

I bought a place in New York, and now I'm renting it, and then I got another place. And I want to talk shit about you because we share a little bit of a similarity in our love for vehicles. You know, I love cars. I'm a car guy. And I saw that you bought a 2002. Yes! You know, people hit me up online because I had spoken pretty candidly on this show about how much I love 2002.

Is that right? Yeah. Oh, shit. I didn't know that. My first car. Well, my love for cars is pretty secret. I only really talked about cars to people that also love cars because most comics couldn't give a fuck.

It's a bunch of nebbishy neurotic. Well, they all have Priuses or they don't have a car at all. Yes. I think Prius is the worst car that's ever been manufactured and the batteries are going to kill people faster than the fucking emissions so is that right it's a fact those batteries are you know those those batteries that are in a prius specifically by the way tesla did a tesla did a better job at making a battery that could be degradable by the by our biosystem at some degree priuses are going to sit in the landfill for the next fucking 10 000 years just

wait wow see nobody talks about that stuff yeah because because they think what they're doing is better than what the end result will be and they'll be so far dead that they're like you're killing the earth now it's like yeah you're in perpetuity you're killing the fucking earth it's so we're distracted by all like the straws remember the straws were the biggest deal on their back by the way now they're back yeah they're back it was just that one photo of that fucking coke snorting turtle that we all fell in love with, and then we all got rid of him. One turtle, by the way. One turtle.

I used to say that on stage. Show me the shells. Where are all these dead turtles? What a lie. Strewn across the shore. They made it sound like it was millions of turtles were dying. Yeah. It was bullshit.

That's a great catchphrase. They only cared because they wanted to make you feel bad about something they could control. Yes, yes yes we can control this because the shit you can't control what are you gonna fucking do like that like the idea of emissions they yell at us here in america it's like we're the worst we need to figure like china and india have a billion people crazy they spew shit in the air on a constant so we're the worst they have pollution checks every day like they have to worry about it some days you just can't go outside it It's bananas over there.

I've been there. But we're the worst, apparently. We're still the absolute worst. But getting back, my first car I ever had was a 1985 325E, a little two-door BMW coupe, my favorite. That's adorable. It was in pretty okay condition. It certainly wasn't new.

It was an 85. But it was kept up very well. It's got some zip. Oh, man. They were so quick. Yeah. they were so quick man i love i like small cars like you got a nice uh piece out here by the way a little piece outside it's a nissan ultima my fans know that's what i drive a nissan ultima supercharged it's a ford escort it's a ford escort well it's a ford uh it's yeah we have to say that now we can't say ford prostitute anymore. Oh, good point. Good point, sex worker.

Sorry about that. Yeah. Positive sex. No, yeah, I love the support for sex workers. I've been supporting them for years. For years.

Yeah. Lots of money. Quietly. Yeah. And now you can do it publicly. Isn't that nice that you can say, I support this OnlyFans. Yes,

here, I have 17 of them and I'm supporting my local sex vendor. And if you're a failed female comic, you can make a lot of money. But, not the men we get on only fans you and i nobody care maybe the gays will throw us a shekel i think you and i could do well with the gays oh i'm gonna clean up with the homosexuals because i gotta tell you my dms i get a i get i'll i'm not i won't hyperbolize i probably get one dick pic a week wow that's pretty good yeah on an average so

sometimes i won't get one for two or three weeks then once some weeks i'll get one that's like you're so cute and i'll get four dicks or two butts right four dicks and two bucks my neck is my next album coming out i think it's september four dicks two butts um you do the math but it but i will get them and where are the shells i I'm more... You like that? Show me the shells. Show me the shells. Show me the shells. I'm more impressed by how aggressive some of the gay guys are in my DMs than annoyed. I'm more impressed. I'm like, wow, this guy's good.

He'll keep taking different pictures, different angles and be like, oh, so nothing? Right. Because they know you're not responding. And you feel like a woman. You're like, oh, I'm violated. You start to get their fear. right here well also don't send people random pics i've never i don't mind it so you're just sending them out there to the universe no no i don't mind getting oh i'm saying i'm saying in the exchange world of pics like have you ever sent

a pic just out of nowhere it's crazy it's always it's always has a there always is a backstory with me it's always like we communicated first it is a backstory with me. It's always like we communicated first. It was never like, of course, hey, here's a dick or, you know, so I never understand the approach of just throwing it out to the ether thinking we've had no communication about it. And all of a sudden that's going to be the thing I go. I need it. Here's my theory. I think the dick is so hidden all the time that when a guy has the opportunity to show

it, he's like, I got to do it. It's like, he's keyed up. He can't, can't control it because the dick is always hidden. It's like Bobby. That's why he's always like trying to get naked. He has to get it he's like i gotta do it it's like he's keyed up he can't can't control it because the dick is always hidden it's like bobby that's why he's always like trying to get naked yeah he has to get it out gotta get it out i uh i send uh my wife limp dick pics i'll never do hard that's love make her work for it there you go i mean make her build up to something have you heard my dick pic story no maybe eight years ago i hooked up with this gal and was like passionate weekend on the road. It was amazing. She was way out of my league.

It was the highlight of my life. So we'd kind of communicate after a few weeks of me leaving. And she'd be like, send me a dick pic. Send her a dick pic, whatever, no big deal. Eight months later, we stopped talking, whatever. Somebody tweets at me, ats me, hey, is this your dick? And it was a photo of my dick. Some random guy, like Minnesota.

But a good photo, no less. Yeah, but it's still my dick, so it's not great. But I saw my sheets, and that's what did it. I was like, ah! Those are my dinosaur sheets. And so... That's my race car bed. I know that bed anywhere. Yeah, I just didn't respond, and it kind of, you know, flew off into the Twitter ether. But Jesus, seeing your own dick on a public platform is terrifying that's a bummer and he knows mine well you got a

nice penis though it's all right it's fine it's a it's a civic it's a civic yeah it's like it'll get you places reliable but you know it's not gonna win a race no yeah unless you soup it up and it might break down first and only first race is fine but second yes it's definitely gonna break down gonna need some blue chew and whatnot in here we pour whiskey hey i know uh you don't like cooking because i don't either uh it's not because you're lazy it's just because it's time consuming and you just don't know what you're doing but hello fresh makes it easy and simple i love this okay at first i was like i don't want these these meals that are coming to my front door that i have to make. I'd rather just order food.

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and use the code Whiskey12 for 12 free meals, including shipping. Please do that. It's America's number one meal kit. Ginger. I like gingers. Yeah, no, it's not nice to see that out there in the real world. No. That's why the hesitation is high.

Although the next generation, that's as normal as anything else. Sending nudes is so because of the internet now yeah like my uh my wife's boss had said that her son at high school because he just graduated it was like that's a that is a completely normal thing to do for everyone to trade nudes crazy we're in high school first of all well cell phones weren't really no thing but even still even in college when like people really were get started to get cell phone never it was never a thing definitely not because you're like what would they do with this where exactly yeah exactly isn't it crazy to think like i look at the younger generation now and i sound

like a boomer and an old guy but you are you hear these young people and you're like man this is so different i can't keep up with tiktok and and all this crazy new shit. And then when those kids are adults, what are they going to be freaked out about? Right. That is crazy to think because it seems as crazy as it's going to get right now. But it's only going to get crazier. Well, that's why when you talk to – do you have any grandparents that are alive? No, they're dead. Okay, I have one left.

And I asked her about – in the middle of the pandemic, she came and visited her sisters who live in Southern California. Her sisters moved to San Diego years ago. And I was like, are you a little afraid of coming out here, Nana? And she was like, what? Why? I was like, you know, the pandemic. She's like, no, no. Yeah.

Why? And then you realize she's been through the fucking depression. Once they've lived through so much, like what you're saying, when we get there, you go, I don't fucking care. Yes. It doesn't even matter. It's not even a thing. It doesn't even exist. through so much yeah like what you're saying when we get there you go i don't fucking care yes you you you care like you it doesn't even matter it's not even a thing it doesn't even exist you begin to get this new level of uh of your own world where like all of that fodder goes away yeah it exists it continues to grow but you're like i i don't fucking care and she's not online reading all this shit she's not watching the news every 10 seconds like we are she couldn't care less

that's that's the best way to live yeah because it's not it's not inundating your life with like other people's opinions about how you're supposed to feel exactly that's been my biggest gripe is people telling you not giving you information but telling you how you're supposed to feel about things yeah and if you don't feel that way you're bad you're a piece of now i gotta feel exactly how you feel all the time right Right. That's not how people work. That was the irony when I was a kid of like learning politics from my dad was like what a liberal is or what a conservative is. And the older

I get, the more I'm like, all my friends are liberals or conservative. Yeah. Because they're all puritanical. It's like, you can't say that. You can't do that. Yes. That's what old uptight ass conservatives used to say. A lot of the people saying defund the police are always policing people. They're you what to do they're telling you about the rules what you can't do and you're like man you're kind of it's similar everybody balances out you know

you think you're this but you're actually the exact opposite i was going to call my tour refund the police we got to give them back a couple of bucks they say you see a cop give him a buck you know what i mean yeah see him i see a cop give him a buck no it's just i think the idea also that was that's that is another issue i do talk about is like this refund the police thing was like a phrase that got put out as like a really catchable phrase yeah and dumb people then were like you're gonna take away cops what are you gonna do it's like that's not what it is yes but it's just because that's a proven point of like when you have a dumb message a dumb person's gonna hear it the way that they hear it oh yeah so then both sides are fucked up about it exactly we do this comedy all the time that joke meant this like how do you know what

it meant right i wrote it right and they go out whatever it's like you you took it that way exactly so you're the weirdo your brain went to the fucked up place not mine but all of a sudden i'm in trouble defund the police should have just been called take away the tanks and then that would have been fine there you go you said they don't need tanks anymore in la i'd have been like that's probably a a good solution to take away tanks yeah but this idea that like oh you're gonna get rid of cops it's like that that's where narrative gets crossed to me wires get crossed and it's all then i go well you're all full of shit yeah you're all full of shit and you're kind of the same person just on the other side right but like i did a college gig recently and these kids are all very progressive and Well, you're all full of shit. Yeah, you're all full of shit, and you're kind of the same person, just on the other side. Right.

But I did a college gig recently, and these kids are all very progressive and college-y and woke and all that. And then it's like you said, I would say a sex joke, and they would clench their pearls. And I'm like, you're like Reagan's wife. You're like a conservative, like a super far Christian guy. Right, right. So weird. You're young. I don't do colleges anymore. I quit doing colleges probably five or six years ago and i and sometimes i would get people online like fans be like why don't you

do schools anymore why wouldn't you come to my school and honestly it was always because of the same reason that i was like this never felt like they really wanted it yeah it was always kind of like yeah i'll go see a show but pajamas look at the phone who are you uh whatever it's really strange even fans that are on college campuses i think their stress is they can't get into the clubs yet because the clubs are i mean most are 21 and over some are 18 but a lot of those college kids they just can't get in yet so they're bummed and they're just like well please come to my school it's like your school sucks yeah i don't want to come to your school around because your peers are going to be the the quiet kid who's having the most fun they're going to be out trumped by far by all the

people that have something to say about what you said so true yeah i remember but don't you remember like dane cook would go and the place would be fucking it would be like a rock show but that's because the time period was appropriate for that stuff It was like people wanted raw entertainment at such a heightened level. Now they want it, but they want it their way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean? That's why like now, like you got,

I know that what we're doing in the podcast world, the reason that we connect with fans and do all this that helps us, you know that when you go do a show, they know what they're getting into. They want to see you. I hope so, yeah. They do.

If they pay to see you, they know enough of you by now through these mediums instead you know we're taking back the control of that that misnomer element of like someone who just shows up because they want to see a show and then they're like i can't believe he said what he said yeah yeah but now you're like you know who the fuck mark is you know what he's gonna say i hope but yeah it's uh it's weird but back to the conservative and liberal thing you said. Yeah. I feel like as a comic and as a sane person,

shouldn't we step back and just watch the weirdos and the retards fight and go at it and have all these emotions and get upset and pissed off? That's what we're supposed to do.

You're not supposed to really jump in this pool and be rah, rah, rah with some team of yours. Right. You know, you should watch it and observe and then write about it. And then figure it out afterwards.

Yes. Right. That's kind of how I feel is I like to assess stuff. That's why I told you I was afraid to get the vax because I'm like, I haven't figured this out yet. Yeah. Figure it out. I get you on that. I haven't figured it out yet. Yeah. I got it. I got the first one and I got sick as a dog, man. Really? So sick. Because when you had corona, when you get the first shot uh they say it can light you up the second one apparently gets people sick that didn't have corona sometimes

but dude i got the first one and i was feeling totally fine and then 20 hours later out of nowhere i couldn't get out of bed i couldn't i couldn't move which was ironically worse than i felt when i had corona damn coronavirus didn't do anything to me physically. J&J? I got the Moderna. Yeah, that's what I got. Moderna Papa. Yeah. Well, but they say it affects you all differently, and it depends on what kind of Corona you got, too.

Like, I had the one where I lost taste and smell, but fully functioning. I could have gone for a jog. Yeah, weird. Like, I didn't physically feel ill. I could eat food just fine the only thing that was a bummer was i felt lethargy like just during the day i would just have those moments where i'm like i'm gonna lay down on the couch i guess i was just in no you know i was wavy you had yeah i had that one and i had it kind of shitty you had a bad bad i had it bad for one night

uh i was uh i was in a hotel room and it just hit me and i felt freezing cold i had these crazy chills and i took a hot shower i was still cold i was under the covers and i just laid there for hours and it finally broke and i was covered in sweat and i woke up feeling fine no look at that isn't that weird that's it yeah you got the j and j no no i got the moderna as. But I'm saying that's how I felt when I had Corona. Yeah. No, I think, look, it's just so new. And I was saying this, like, it is a funny time when people are like, are you anti-vax,

right? There's this anti-vax narrative. Sure. But you're like, what if I'm just anti-this vax? You could just be against or freaked out by one, right? You could. The idea is- You like the polio vaccine. I love it. But you don't like this vaccine. Ah, freaked out by one, right? You could, the idea is- You like the polio vaccine.

I love it. But you don't like this vaccine. Ah, freaked out by it. All right. I got it anyway, and I'm still freaked out by it. I have to, we have to admit the idea that like, it feels very odd. It's new.

That it's so new. I go to a local college campus. It's super disorganized. I don't really know who's giving me the shot. You know, the information felt so blurry. It just didn't feel something about it felt so bummer i'm not saying that there's a microchip in me because there already was i already put one in uh-huh but i'm just saying who the fuck no who knows yeah it's

gonna yield that's why my grandmother was so but i see from those perspectives my parents my parents are in florida right now getting wasted out of their mind. Yeah. And they were like, well, we got it. We don't care if we die in five years, we're fine. They don't give a shit. I was just in Miami and it's almost like I'd rather live ignorant. You mean Andrew Schultz's town? Yeah. I'd rather go wild and maybe die than just live in fear in New York for the rest of my life. Right. So I get it. Which is what a lot of New Yorkers do. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. It's a very New York thing to do. Did you go see Andrew down there? I was only there for two days and I brought the lady. So I felt like I had to bring her to the beach and live it up.

But I wanted to. Relationship stuff. Yeah. I'd love to get on it one day. I'm a fan. He's down there owning Miami. He actually said, he was like, come down here and do the show. I was like, I'm not going to fly just to do the show. Unless I had shows down there. Do the a weekend i know i want i want to do shows in florida but i'm not doing

until the fall i think my dates aren't even i just the way the dates lined up sure because now everything is so backlogged like i'm not even playing chicago my hometown until 2022 wow you're waiting for it to open well no no i just the only date i could get available it was there i mean it was like i was like this is it's insane and and i don't know if it's not worth leaking but the first i got uh i'll say it but i'm gonna try to play the chicago theater which is whoa i'm gonna try i'm gonna try five grand no no no i think it's only 30 something oh my god i think you can do it that's a lot of people dude you can do it when they even sent me the idea i was like this is scary that's so many but you got to film that i mean that's a big event i have to i want to yeah i want to do that just that marquee i know

right going home like for you is there a place at home to play that's like a big like would be a big nut for you or no yeah the sanger theater is kind of our carnegie hall type thing but it's still like you know 1100 seats and i don't know if i could fill it you could easily fill that i don't Yeah, the Sanger Theater is kind of our Carnegie Hall type thing, but it's still like 1,100 seats. And I don't know if I could fill it. You could easily fill that. I don't know. New Orleans is a kooky town to perform in. So that's another thing that I feel it depends on where it is, right?

There are cities where I'm like, I can't believe I can't sell that many tickets here. There's not that many people that want to come out. But sometimes it's city dependent on what's your worst city to play in. I mean, Miami's tough. I was just there. Florida's hard. That's a tough one. You know, it's very Cuban-y and sexy. I mean, Miami's tough. I was just there. Florida's hard. That's a tough one. You know, it's very Cuban-y and sexy and kooky,

and I'm not that guy. You were at one point. Maybe at one point, yeah. Yeah, you were a sexy Cuban. Yeah, I used to be trans, but I don't know. Tough town for me is like Montreal. I don't do great. I don't know.

Like at the festival? The festival's fine, but I'm just saying I don't draw there. I don't know. Like at the festival? The festival's fine, but I'm just saying I don't draw there. I don't think anybody draws there. Oh, okay. That city's for the festival for comics. I don't know if you'd go there. Like, have you done other Canadian,

do you do Vancouver? Love Vancouver. Clean up in Vancouver. Toronto? Toronto is great. Yeah, right. See, all these, these are good places to sell tickets.

To me, because comics sometimes just skip Canada. No, I love Canada. Yeah, I'll go. It's fun because it's just a little different you know it's like a dream like well that's not the same as uh you know uh starbucks it's tim hortons everything's just a little different yeah same shit but it's a little different i always have said this every time i go up there the the women in canada tend to be very very beautiful and the men tend to be not dude what is something about homely dudes and beautiful women that like canada subscribe to this idea that like hot chicks will date just idiots up there what's the rumors rumors comedy club is in um wilming what's that place called

why can't i think of it i know it's edmonton what is it winnipeg winnipeg winnipeg winnipeg correct it is winnipeg the men there lookg. Winnipeg. Winnipeg. Correct. It is Winnipeg. The men there look like you, and the women there are- Now, that is rude. Smoking hot, and they're fine with it. It's just how the lay of the land. Yeah. Yeah, because I think that's all they've got. Also, a lot of those guys in Canada were oil guys, and they're multi, multi-millionaires.

Rig pigs. Rig pigs. We call them. Horrible audience members. They get all coked up because they got all this money, and then they'd come out, get shit-faced, and call me a homosexual. Well, some of that's true. Yeah. I learned that when I first did Edmonton.

When I first did Edmonton years ago, I realized I was like, oh, these are 22-year-olds who have 500 grand in their bank account. Oh, that's a tough room. But they got out of high school and were given a fuckload of money. Totally. have 500 grand in their bank account oh that's a tough room i mean well they but they they they got out of high school and were given yeah a fuckload of money totally how else would you live though if you were that age you would be a piece of shit yeah i'm not investing no yeah what are you talking about go hard you're gonna buy a bunch of trucks yeah you live it up yeah you're gonna be you're gonna be the guy that everyone makes fun of like when justin bieber was young

just think of that and they're well, why would he do that? You're like, who the fuck, who else would, how would you live any other way? I know, he's a zillionaire who's 22 with all the money in the world, and he's got a Bugatti. He's got to drive it fast. I would do the exact same thing. Yeah, I did the same thing. I just had a fucking, you know, Accord.

Yeah. Good times. Now, do you still have another car with the 02? No, no, that's the sad thing is i love it i'm too scared to drive it i don't want to break it and uh i don't want it to you know fall apart so you got the bike though got the bike still got the bike and the o2 love the bike the bike i feel like batman whipping around new york you get from spot to spot because that city will fuck you transportation wise you know you try to wait for the subway it's running late the

cabbies whatever the bike i feel like i'm beating beating the system. Do you have any semblance of fear of getting hit? Because New York, people get hit on bikes a lot. A lot. And I've fallen off of it and taken some spills, man. Have you? Oh my God. I flew off the handlebars and I put my hands down and I was wearing gloves and they tore my hands up. And I was lucky I didn't hit my head. I wasn't wearing a helmet. But like these construction guys ran over like oh my god are you okay and i look back and the bike wheel is still spinning and i was like blurry and they picked me up and brought me off to the side and i had to like sit down for half an hour but i got it together but you were okay i was okay i just shook up thank god why no helmet what are you doing mark wear a fucking helmet i got the hair i

don't want to ruin it no i don't know i just uh just want to keep it you don't want to fall out because you're like if i put on this helmet it's all coming out i remember that was a rumor like if you wear a hat i like that i like the idea the construction guy's dragging you off and then seeing a hot chicken like hey still had a cat call while they're trying to help this broken man yeah yeah exactly so so of all the times you've fallen though none of them checked you a little bit i've had a lot of friends that have fallen enough on bikes where they're like, I'm out, man. I don't want to do that because the next one is going to be the one. It's a horrible idea because sometimes it's not your fault.

That was my fault. But the cabbie could sideswipe you and you hit on a parked car and you're done. See, my uncle has titanium in his leg because of that. He got his leg shattered a million different ways. Motorcycle? He got hit by a truck on a motorcycle. Yeah, man. He's lucky he's alive.

He is extremely lucky he's alive. In fact, it did him, it was very unfortunate, to say the least. He ruined a lot, a big chunk of his life because of what he did to him. Anyway, man, enjoy the bike. Yeah. Oh, man. Oh, man. Well, the fear is, to me, I have two of my of my like i have good friends that have bikes like one

of our one of my closest girlfriends uh my wife's best friend she's a bike enthusiast she's like a bike girl who like models for harley and shit wow and i always think about i'm always like i get country riding but city riding to me is what i can't do yeah it's a horrible idea gonna get you dude because cabbies don't give a shit about you. No, they don't. They don't care about you with or without the bike. So with the bike, Mark,

just put on a fucking helmet. I should put on a helmet. For me, do it. For me. I've had fans send me helmets. I have like a stack of helmets in my closet. You gotta do it.

Because at the end of the day, what a shitty, annoying story I have to tell that that guy that I liked died from something so stupid. Ah! I appreciate the concern. Look it, I'm a dad a dad right now he's being such a pops right now right so dude i grew up skateboarding too and we didn't do that then but you also could only go seven miles an

hour so there's a there's a huge difference huge difference although we were jumping downstairs yeah but also for some reason it's marginal. Like you're never going to get hurt that bad if you're- And you're 13. When you know how to fall, you know how to fall. Yeah, that's true. That's true. I used to skate through ASU's campus when I was at night.

That was my favorite at night when I was going to school there that I would just skate around and I would hit little stairs and little curbs. That's fun. I would do it all night long to just kind of escape. If I was just, you know, if I didn't want to go out that night, if I was bored and I was like, I'll just go skate through campus. It was kind of zen. It was. It was just you alone.

And it's very similar to stand-up. It's like you individually, you got to practice it. You got to work on it by yourself, make goals and, you know, get good. And instead of being humiliated, you get hurt. All these things kind of had a parallel with stand-up, like comedy and music and hip-hop and skateboarding to me. It all kind of blended. And most comics I know that liked any of that stuff they all kind of like some of a lot of the same

shit yeah the more guys i meet i'm like oh we all have the same we all like the same stuff it was almost like destined for stand-up because we all have these similar things in common of things that you like not to mention the the parental shit usually it's they say with stand-up it's a over loving mom and a distant dad was that you had, well, my biological father wasn't there. There we go. But I had a great stepdad. Interesting. Who was like my father.

But my mom was the tough ass. My stepdad is a good guy. He was tough as shit too. But my mom was the toughest. My mom is the kind of person, because she grew up nine nine brothers and sisters they grew up you know very working class so like irish catholic yeah so for her it's like get over it everything is like shut shut the fuck up grow up so if i like if something really bothered me i'm like this really bothered me and she's like you're gonna be fine yeah it was always that kind of love she was loving but it was very much like

you'll be fine yeah it was never like a go my little baby but like every one of my jewish friends mom is like oh you're the best you can do no wrong right and i was like you'll do wrong all the time you do wrong on a constant basis yeah you're alive what did you have i had the uh the mom who kept it too real you know like i would be like this look at this painting and she was like it's not great you know i had that mom so it was kind of nice because when she did compliment you it meant she meant it correct and then my dad i was telling him at lunch today my dad was a uh fun guy nice guy angry guy yeah temper you never knew he was like a cat you know sometimes you're petting a cat and it's going great and then he flips out that's how my dad was so i was i grew

up terrified of my dad but he would zing you and he would flips out that's how my dad was so i was i grew up terrified of my dad but he would zing you and he would cut you to the core yeah i was telling him i was i was killing it like a thanksgiving with my cousins at the kid table and my dad walks over and goes what are you holding court and it crushed me because he was right i was so proud of myself and he got me right to the bones he did did your dad was he physically abusive no no no no but he was you know temper dad throw the fucking plate against the wall so when he would snap he would he would do something physical but it was never to you yeah he wouldn't hurt us but he didn't need to we were we were we were on our knees trembling just from a just him yelling you never got hit in the back

of the head or spanked or pushed a little of that but i don't even think about that like he never did anything crazy, but... Getting cracks in the back of the head to me were, like, the most painful thing on earth. I would get cracks in the back of the head. Really? When I was being a real piece of shit. Yeah.

I never, ever got it when it was just out of nowhere. It wasn't like, you spilled the fucking water! It was never that thing. Yeah. It was always like, I really fucked up pretty bad.

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refund your money no questions asked come on man on, man. What do you got? Try it out. What's the worst that could happen? Remember, you get your next delicious bowl of guilt-free cereal at magicspoon.com slash ginger. Use that code ginger to save $5 off. Thank you, Magic Spoon, for sponsoring the episode. Ginger. I like gingers. Bill Burr has this funny story about his brother said, you suck, mom, and I hate your dinner or whatever.

Something mean. And his dad took a glass of milk and threw it in the kid's face. And I remember being like, damn, that is fucked up. It's effective is what I would say. It's effective, but that is pretty scarring. Milk in the face? Milk in the face from a dad is like, Jesus, I gotta make some changes. I'm like, that makes perfect sense. It's just milk. It's just liquid. It didn't hurt him. He'll be fine. That's true. I'm not against it. I'm just like, if I saw that at a friend's house i'd be like holy white white people white people are so scared of disciplining their children that we've gone we were to a place

now that white white people think that if you even spank your kid or if you grab them by the arm and go hey cut it out yeah that everyone's gonna write about it right we're the only people everybody else every other race it's totally okay to discipline kids and nobody says anything it's fine you hear kids uh i'm gonna call social services that's insane it's insane because if you did it like if a black kid did the mom be like do it and i'll kill you again yeah i'll kill you in front of the social service yeah exactly one time i was at a friend's house and his parents were kind of scary and his mom slapped his older brother and his nose started bleeding and i was like eight and i was like this is a little heavy i gotta go home yeah i think i think i hear my mom calling me

my buddy brandon anderson used to run home his mom his mom dude his mom would because they were always up to no good so she was always disciplined him but he would run home and when he would get to his house you could like see it like a cartoon you could watch him sprint into the front door and there was a big window and he would run upstairs as fast as he could and slam the door. And then he'd wave out the window like, peace, peace, peace. He would just trap himself in his room because they were always getting hit for doing something stupid. Yeah. Remember how scary that was? That was the height of fear as a kid. Oh my God. That and principal stuff was scary.

Now, were you a kid that got suspended and stuff? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I went to public school. It was pretty dicey. Yeah. Fights and throwing rocks or whatever it was. Now, how many times did you get suspended in high school? In high school, not as much. In high school, probably once or twice. But in middle school, that's when it really got bad. Yeah. Because it was like this competition. Like, who is the baddest kid? Right. And you kept upping it.

Yeah. You know, you'd start a food fight or whatever it is. One time I spray painted cow on the wall at school to represent one of the teachers. And she caught it right away and they called my mom. At least she knew you were talking about her. Yeah, she got it. That's like a tip of the hat. I'm talking about you, fatty.

Yeah, she got the message. What was her name? Do you remember? Mrs. Mrs. Deborah something. Mrs. I'm talking about you, fatty. Yeah, she got the message. What was her name? Do you remember? Mrs. Mrs. Deborah something. Mrs. Deborah. Mrs. Deborah Bobine. Mrs. Deborah Bobine.

Once to her and she wasn't having that. You did this? Yeah. And she didn't like it? She didn't like that. I didn't even know what it was really. I'm like 12. I'm like, ah.

She was like, Jesus. I got suspended for drawing a penis and putting the teacher's name in the jizz. I did an artistic penis. That's like a name in the jizz i did an artistic penis that's like a banksy yeah i did an artistic penis uh uh because they had hand us in health class like a you know the the diagrams of the of of a dick and um you know of uh of the female genitalia and i and so i copied it i drew it and i drew in the jizz i drew her name and uh suspension because somebody in the class pulled it out of the trash after I made everybody laugh.

Oh, what a rat. I want to tell you something. And I slept with that girl in college. Hey. Hey, got her back. You won. Yeah. And then you jizzed on her back.

Yeah. And wrote her name. Yeah, wrote her name. Yeah. It was such a mean thing. She had a crush on me. So she wanted to call me out for doing that. And I was like, why would you fucking do that?

Isn't that interesting? Because you see that kind of on social media. It's like, I always thought that girl liked me, and now she's trying to ruin my life. Maybe there's some kind of blend there. There's something with that. Do you have people that come after you that you think used to like you? Yeah. Yeah?

You're like, something's up. There must be some reason you're this motivated to hurt me. Maybe you had a thing for me. Who knows? I don't know. I'm just trying to get in the girl head. Or maybe they're hurt. Yeah, they're definitely hurt. They want you're this motivated to hurt me. It's maybe you had a thing for me. Who knows? I don't know. I'm just trying to get into girlhood. Or maybe they're hurt. Yeah, they're definitely hurt.

They want you to hurt like they hurt. And they feel my hurt, feel my pain. And then they're the compassionate one. They're the hero. Like, you're ruining my life. Have you had someone try to ruin your life? Oh, I think we all have. Yeah.

It sucks. It hurts. That's why I get annoyed. Like, oh, cancel culture. I'm like, I get it. Cancel culture is a hack term. It's been done to death but like i don't know 12 000 people yelling at you calling you a racist or a bigot or whatever it sucks and that's that's what it is it's not like you know

they always go he's still working like yeah but he's depressed and he got made fun of if i make a fat joke to lena dunham i'm the biggest piece of shit on the planet but if you call me a homophobe to me that's worse than fat yeah so why is that not bad right why are you you're not mean because you're doing it under the guise of like stopping some bad shit whatever but like i don't know they're all being fat it's just a joke but you called me a horrible thing well sometimes and sometimes they they give you such easy layups that you're like it's just a joke and you know it's a joke and they know it's a joke and you're like how can we not be on the same page and it's like you're perpetuating something negative you're like or or it's just a joke i know it's just a small like

like there was a guy on tiktok made me laugh lizzo was doing like a lizzo does like a already funny like a fan suggest i know there's like a fan suggestion video. And she's like, okay, all right. Well, this is kind of weird. I'm doing it. And it's dunking Oreos into milk. And then right as she's doing it, it cuts to this guy and he's staring at the camera and he's just like, are you fucking trying to tell me Lizzo has never dunked Oreos into milk? And losing it. He's like, what the fuck are we talking about?

That's great. Yes. And it was so funny. It was so simple. He's like, this is not the first time lizzo's dunked oreos in the middle and of course so all the comments like you're a piece of shit you're body shaming all this stuff it's like dude it's just a joke her instagram is lizzo eats i know that's her instagram she she jokes about it good point so he jokes about it he's the bad guy right right because they feel bad for her

which well he was also white so if it was a black dude doing it it would have been like you know that there's a black dude i don't remember his name and he is so mean to chicks online there's a lot of that and and they and they're great and they're funny but they get away with it because it's too dicey of an area it's like that old kimmel thing where he said uh there's no pita at the players ball uh you know because it's all fucking fur coats, but they're not going there. They're not going to fuck with that world. It's too dicey. Right.

This black dude, I have to look him up, man. He's so funny to me, though. He's always like, all these women are like, why can't I get a good man? And he's like, how much do you weigh? That's like his first question. I've seen this guy. He's so funny. So funny.

And she's like, I'm 5'6", and I'm 185. And he's like, and that's your problem. And you that that's okay right and they take it yeah i was like man it's wild if a white dude is doing this if a white dude's doing it to white women i'm saying yeah even you're still they'll light you on fire yeah yeah and if you do it to black women forget about it oh that's not even a real thing you're talking now you're talking chaos yeah it's like a marvel movie of murder that you're talking about. Speaking of, speaking of movies that got, that get shitted on all the time,

I watched Mortal Kombat last night and I got to tell you, loved it. Everyone hated it and I loved it. I don't care. What's not, I mean,

I haven't seen it and I'm not really into that stuff, but like, it's Scorpion and Sub-Zero, fighting, what's the problem? I'm not into the,

I don't watch the marvels and all the superhero movies yeah i'm not i never was into that stuff but i was like i gotta watch this this one because i loved mortal kombat as a kid yeah we used to go down to the hockey the skating arena by my house and they had a video game uh you know like a little uh arcade area by the ring between the rinks And I would save quarters for weeks to go down there to dump 15 bucks into Mortal Kombat and NFL Blitz and whatever, all those games.

But Mortal Kombat was always my fucking favorite. So I had to watch it last night thinking, everyone talks shit about it. And they're like, it's terrible. There's no plot. It was great. Because if I watch those things, I just want to see murder and blood and killing.

And I don't need a great storyline. No,'s fighting what are we doing it's like when they get mad about comedy like it wasn't that great of a movie it's like did it make you laugh was it funny right case closed what was the last what was the last comedy you saw commercial comedy that made you laugh genuinely probably tropic thunder that's a long time ago i know well downey was so good with the with the black guy and ben stillerer was great, Jack Black was great. It was edgy. It was fun. And I saw it in the theater with a black guy, and he was like, that was unbelievable.

What Downey did was unbelievable. Of course, because only now small voices say that they're offended by that stuff. Yeah. But you see all these movies. There was a list of movies that they put up that you couldn't do today or whatever. Oh, yeah. And the first one was Ace Ventura because it's transphobic. Oh.

Because Finkel is Einhorn. Einhorn is Finkel. I forgot about that. Ah, interesting. But see what that does? It never even entered our brain that that was transphobic. But they manufacture this. And now they're like, you should feel bad about that. that you're like that was a bit in a movie yeah that a guy was disguising himself

because he was a murderer yeah he was trying to get away with something right so you're like this he's in disguise and they're like no it's it's it's it's transphobic that's really boy we gotta really sift through and find but that's what they're doing i know but that's that's a sign that things are pretty good if you've got to really reallyift through and find shit now. But that's what they're doing. I know, but that's a sign that things are pretty good. If you've got to really go through the bushes. Really snake through it, yeah. Look at the bachelor chick. She had an antebellum party in college or whatever it was. She's trying to marry a black guy.

Like, shouldn't that trump the dumb party that every kid went to in Georgia? Is that why that guy got fired, the host? That's what it was all about? Yeah, he kind of defended her a little. He defended the idea that she went to the party? Yeah, he's like, she was 20. I don don't know she's trying to marry this uh tall so now she wants to marry a black guy but they're like no yeah you don't get to make up for that i know

i know but we gotta look we gotta sift see that doesn't that's that's that's kind of like i was looking into this piers morgan and uh sharon osborne thing yeah that's crazy i really did i did i dug as deep as i could because i was like i really want to find out what happened so once you uncover all of it you realize why he got fired please it's not because it's not because he said i don't believe in megan martin what megan markel said it's because over the years he said controversial things now they're not going to bring up all of those they can just go they can just go he's a piece of shit i don't like what he says he's a bigot he's been sexist before he's been racist before he's been insensitive before but all they need was one little thing to break the ice and it was this it was interesting you

don't believe this woman was attacked for her race so you're racist uh-huh that to me wouldn't indicate that he's racist. Yeah. But they just use that because all the other things were chipping away, chipping away. And Sharon had said she supports her friend's belief in his opinion. Yeah. It's an opinion show. He's supposed to have an opinion.

Right. And then of course they had to clip her. They offered her, rumor was they offered her to say goodbye. They were like, you can go on your own or we can have you leave type of shit you know the when a workplace is like we can have you fine we don't want to fire you if you want to walk out we'll give you the chance and she didn't take it because quite frankly what world are we living in when you can't have an opinion about other people's opinions that's even scarier yeah it's an opinion about a fucking opinion it's a good

point that's a good point that's why it's weird if you're like oh everything's fine you're like you didn't see that that's like that's crazy and here's the other thing to say that the the thing that would have made it racist which is what i was looking for was if pierce was like you know oh this black woman's in there complaining about it you know what i mean no but all he was saying was he doesn't think that what the way that she was receiving messages or communicating about what she felt he doesn't feel it was genuine yeah right so when you feel that someone's being disingenuous and i say to you hey mark i think sometimes when you say stuff to me i think you're being a little disingenuous but that's the end of it yeah i'm not

automatically gonna go ah you're fucking racist because of that shit because my it's like it doesn't make any sense it's just like it doesn't add up to me no it didn't add up and now everybody's always on edge everybody's nervous on eggshells and we go this is the way the wind's blowing i'll just go that way because they're scared right and that's not a healthy way to be and it's definitely not good entertainment no you want everybody scared in the entertainment world we're supposed to kind of push it a little bit and have fun and be wacky and different i don't know anything about the mega market girl or anything about that bullshit because i don't know about that world all i knew was what he said but what i do know about her is she was married to my to the old manager of my the old head of my management

company really yeah and she left him in the like the beginning of their marriage because she uh she hooked up with a dude on the show that she was on on suits there you go she left him for a dude on suits they tried to do a little story about it but my the guy that i know he didn't want anything to do with it he was like i don't want to i don't want to get involved i've got my own life he's married now he's got a fan you know what i mean he doesn't care yeah but i remember when they got married and i was like he was in love with this remember when they got married and i was like he was in love with this girl dude he was obsessed and it was beautiful he was and then she left him for a dude on the on the tv show and then she did the briefcases on fucking you know whatever

or whatever it was yeah yeah whatever the pick the cases was yeah yeah and then after that she goes and becomes this piece of royalty so all i'm saying is you know the idea that she is a victim right or the idea that she couldn't um hyperbolize for the sake of entertainment of course is pretty real yeah like she loves entertainment she's in entertainment i'm not saying she's a bad person i don't know anything about her all i'm saying all i'm saying is why do we do this thing where they're like, people are, she's infallible. They're infallible.

They would never make stuff up. They would never lie. It's like, everybody makes shit up, everybody lies. Yeah, of course. What does that even mean to think that someone's infallible of being- I know. Of indulging in something.

It's not real. And look at her track record. I mean, look what's going on in the past. There's a ton of evidence and weird shit going on. Can't we use that? You're racist, by the way. I'm going to cancel your record. I didn't even know she was black.

I sound like Roseanne. I didn't know the bitch was black. Is that what you said? Yeah, yeah. If you look at her Twitter profile of whoever that lady was, you're like, I can see it. But Roseanne. And Roseanne's crazy, too. She's bonkers.

Fucking bonkers. Nut farm. It is weird that they wanted her to have a show that had some conservative roots to it, and then they gave it to her, right? And then they fired her for being conservative, like the thing you wanted. The thing you wanted, she gave you, right? Yeah. It's like hiring, who's the puppet guy?

Jeff Dunham. Yeah. You know, but then being like, hey, man, you can't do any kind of racial stuff. You're like, what? His whole fucking act is that. He's got an ISIS puppet. Right. You know what you bought into. Yeah, yeah. Also, there's a guy that can't do any kind of uh racial stuff you're like what his whole fucking act is that he's got an isis puppet right you know what you bought into yeah yeah also there's a guy that can't get canceled for his shit isn't that funny why is that it makes too much money it makes too much money he's making people too much money in the same way that like harvey weinstein they

were like oh my god you're like he was making people millions of dollars they didn't want to say anything about him they knew that he was evil you think those people didn't know that he was evil at all like yeah you know that's the scared thing everybody's kind of nervous everybody's like i just want to i don't want to get in trouble so i'll do what i got to do like that guy got fired from the times you see that guy that old guys worked there 48 years he got caught saying the n-word and like he was just reading something or whatever not saying the n-word but he was like let me just read this and blah blah blah and they somebody got on video they signed a petition at the times they got him fired he's like you know 78 when he sent the n-word

out like where where well it's a long story but he took these kids to venezuela or peru on a field trip nice guy this is what he does and one kid's like i got in trouble at school for saying the n-word he's like well how did you say it and he goes did you say blah blah like this or you say blah blah like that and somebody filmed him saying that but he was just trying to get to the bottom of it and that was it he got fired and this poor guy's like an old guy's worked there for years everybody loved him he's a sweet old man insane idea that that's i know that's like me filming you uh singing along to any rap song and then you saying the n-word in your car which everybody fucking does yes you don't stop yourself when you're singing a rap song and then if i film that at a stoplight i can just

upload that and be like get them well the thing is they sign a petition and what that comes down to is people going if i don't sign this i'm fucked right then i'm racist yeah exactly right that's the perpetual thing is like if i if i said i sided with piers morgan i'm racist it's like no i'm not siding with piers morgan i'm just saying this seems a little fucked up to just call someone racist when they didn't say a racist phrase or word yes yes exactly exactly but a man but but they want to assign you to the what is that the high school code of conduct if you're at the party even if you're not drinking you're in trouble you know as athletes if we didn't go get drunk but we were at the party yeah i would get suspended and i'd miss two games right right

i didn't have a drip of alcohol it doesn't matter you were there yeah and i get that rule whatever it sucks but it doesn't apply to everyone and that's why it's annoying right you know like you hear like oh this person did blackface in 1994 and they everybody likes them so they just kind of get away with it a fallon yeah and you're like i don't want him to get in trouble either i don't like canceling or anything like that but like but they're picking and choosing they're picking and choosing so that's if you're gonna do it you gotta do it all the way right you know like you can't call alina dunham fat but you can call ted cruz fat and trump fat and chris christie fat that's fine right which i like fat jokes i want

to call everybody fat but don't say i can't call her fat you've deemed this person inappropriate or bad so you just get to have the rules don't matter there because you deemed them who the fuck are you to deem I want to deem it's all or nothing

it's all or nothing but it should be nothing it'd be nice it'd be nice if it was nothing it'd be nice that was maybe the 90s yeah it was nothing

that was fun right right after the coke binge of the 80s we kind of leveled out in the 90s and we're just doing our own thing. And it was also pre-cell phone, pre-social media. So you got beat up if you said, you know, I got beat up for saying crazy shit. Yeah. And that was just how it was.

Yeah. I saw a guy. Yeah. I remember kids getting hit for saying stupid shit to each other. Yeah. Racial shit. Oh, yeah. You just get into a fight.

And that usually kind of was the beginning and the end of it. That was it. That was it. You got your head knocked in a little other. Yeah. Racial shit. Oh, yeah. And then you just get into a fight. And then it usually kind of was the beginning and the end of it. That was it. That was it. You got your head knocked in a little bit. Right. So what you're saying is we should be able to hit

everybody that says something wrong. Oh, that'd be cool. Yep. Men, women, everyone. We all gotta fight. Get Howie Mandel on it. Hey, you said this. Have it out.

Boom. That's why UFC is like the most progressive thing on TV. Yeah, just fight. It's fighting. They hug after. It's men, women, every race, every country. It's great.

Yeah. Are you into the new regime of the boxing world of TikTok celebrities and all this shit? I think it's impressive. I think it's fascinating. Yeah. Like what Jake Paul is doing. He really skipped the line and people are mad about it, but it's like, eh, he kind of figured it out. He was chirping at DC Cormier.

I saw that. Danny Cormier. Do you know him? No, but he's good, eh, he kind of figured it out. He was chirping at DC Cormier. I saw that. Do you know him? No, but he's a good, he's a beast. What if they fought? I think DC, you can't fuck with him. You say that.

I think he's too good. Then I get scared to think about because how young that kid is. True, and he's not a bad boxer. He has some good technique. No, he's not. But also, I just think age sometimes,

it's like he's so, he's got, DC is older. But he's not that, he still was killing Stipe. Yeah, but still, just think age sometimes. It's like he's so – he's got – DC is older. But he's not that – he still was killing Stipe. Yeah, but still that kid is a kid. I know. You play basketball? No.

What sport do you play at all? Now? Yeah. I'm old. What could you do? What did you used to do? I mean I skateboarded. I like a little volleyball, maybe some table tennis, foosball.

All right, none of these will apply. Air hockey. I was going to say like when I played basketball, my whole, maybe some table tennis, foosball. All right, none of these will apply. Air hockey. I was going to say, like, when I played basketball, my whole life as I played basketball, and I quit years and years ago. I just don't want to do it anymore. Yeah. I like to run and work out a little bit. Same. Which is sorry.

This is why I came here after I went to the gym. I apologize for this. Good legs. Thanks, man. But if I go back and play basketball now, it's disgusting. It's embarrassing. Oh, yeah. It's rude.

I look dumb. Yeah. it's like i'm in i'm infringing on their fun right like get this old white orange piece of shit you know i get it i was hooping in raleigh and i told this story before but man this kid this kid dunked on me so fucking hard and i wasn't it wasn't really on me because i didn't go up to contest i was just down low yeah so i had like turned the last minute. You know, I'm just like, you know, I was poster child at the moment, hardcore. And he hits me and the young kid, one of the kids is like, man, you gonna let him dunk on you like that? And I was like, yeah, I'm 38.

Yes, I am. What the fuck do you think this is, dude? I have a whole life after this. Also, I didn't want him to. What do you mean let him? Should I have shoot him? What am I going to do here? But you realize the youth is like, it's's just that's why i think of that when i saw

them chirp and i thought because dc is a great dude i met him through joe and uh he's a bad motherfucker oh yeah so no disrespect to him i was just saying i wonder what would happen though because it's a pretty good match i'm down i hope they do it i don't but dc's got too much integrity probably yeah he doesn't want you know what i mean like those especially now that he's partially a face of the ufc i don't think he wants to do that shit and he's only gonna lose it's a lose lose you beat the guy big deal you lose you lose that's that's to me that's this that's becoming a problem it's like fighting a woman they can call you out well you win some some part of it you win

can you get the satisfaction of the pop yeah that's true no that i think it's uh the more that these young um famous people call out other people in their realms the people they're calling out it only makes them look bad you think yeah it's because like jake paul knocking out people but the ben askren thing it worked out for him for ben no for jake oh no i'm saying it only makes the guys they call out look bad like oh yeah yeah even if he wins then you're like well so what yeah it's i just think it's a bad move it's a money play it's a good payday but also ben askren's bot you and i are in better shape than askren was going into that that was bad he really weird i

wanted to push his stomach and go yeah it was beyond doughy though it just looked um it looked like he was doing it as a message a little bit it was like he was like oh fuck you i'll you know what i'm gonna eat fast food every day i'm gonna look worse until we fight because he never was like that that was a weird shape for him that was kooky even beyond coming out of surgery i understand that that's a part of it. But I was just like, hmm. Yeah, melted candle. It's a little weird, dude. That was like comedy body. Yeah, it was.

It was like comedy body. When you go swimming with a bunch of comics, you're like, oh, look at that. Joe DeRosa looks like ass. And you go, I'm not bad. Yeah, you're doing good. Yeah, you go, I'm not bad. Yeah, Joe DeRosa. Don't say that, dude.

Don't say that. He'll come get you. No, he's drinking somewhere. You know what he's up to, by the way. Oh, we shouldn't even talk about it. Salvocano pod. Well, those two guys. They're killing it. Yeah, those two. Well, Sal's got a pod

with DiStefano, too. I know. It's like clean. And your pod's great. Oh, thank you. Thank you. It's very, very good. Thanks. We're finally cooking a little bit. Yeah. You know, New York is 12 years behind. You Jews out here. Yeah. It's bananas. Yeah. Well, it should be. Well. We're the sellouts. We're the losers. We're the guys you guys talk shit about.

No, we just focused on the stand-up. We're the sellouts. All right losers we're the guys you guys talk shit about no we just focused on the stand-up we're the sellouts all right you said it you get that we loved we wanted to focus on the stand-up too we just uh i think the difference of new york and la inherently was money we were okay with fame we were okay with uh doing extracurriculars for money yeah we obviously we do it now, so you kind of... Yeah, we showed you the way. Did it first. But also, to be fair to us, you guys, you assholes got paid real money to do comedy.

We never did out here. Oh, like at clubs. Yeah, so that's what's annoying is New York comics are like, oh, you can't just do just comedy. It's like, no, bitch, we were getting $15 a set. We couldn't live out here. Interesting. You cocksuckers could go do five sets and make what?

Well, what on a really good night could someone make? On weekend you could make you know six seven hundred dollars yeah go fuck yourself we never made that money and i'm talking even at the even the guys that were making that were like the top they're only making a couple hundred at the main room shows on the weekend and then the rest of the shows dude you're making chump change yeah well i gotta say though i did those triply shows a few times you get like a four dollar check yeah that was a shocker yeah that was nice and a bag of weed that would last you a month the bat yeah so when the when those shows came around the producers started coming around it started to change the game for us yeah but but up until then dude my whole career we we made no fucking money yeah we made i mean no money and then you do the improv you get a check for like 1188 i'm like what is this yeah

they take taxes out yeah and you couldn't you out yeah pay me out of the pocket with this so they started paying cash at some point but they also this is these these these corporations don't want to get clipped by taxes so they want you to to take the brunt of the tax joke damn of course what do you mean they don't fucking they don't like you take the brunt of everything that's why these comics get fucking bitter at the when they make it because they're like fuck you you. You screwed me for years. I'm taking the door. Well, that is an interesting conversation I just had with someone that I don't want to mention, who we both know we can talk after, but a big comic who I said, this is why guys

are ruthless with taking the door. Yeah. Because for so many years, you realize when you do math and you realize what clubs are getting and you're not getting. Oh, yeah. You start to go, wow, this is fucking crazy. I know. It's crazy. And then there's guys like garland i had jeff on here jeff because he's so rich was like he's gonna donate money to the back to the clubs because of

you know because of the pandemic he's like i want someone to survive and i said that's nice he goes you should do it i go no ah i need the money what do you mean i work i i for years we didn't make any of the money for the total i mean you'd lose money you'd get you get 500 bucks a weekend but you had to fly there you slept on a friend's couch then you bought drinks all night you got the left side of the menu shit i mean it was hell right and then sometimes they'd make you pay remember places that are like you have to pay for the meal you're like i have to pay for the fucking six dollar cheeseburger you really want to charge me for that shit i did a gig it was one of my first headlining gigs youngstown ohio shit room there's 11 people there whatever and i'm like one of my first headlining gigs, Youngstown, Ohio, shit room. There's 11 people there,

whatever. And I'm like, well, I'm headlining now. I'll get a nice meal at least. Fuck this. The hotel sucks. The club sucks. The manager sucks.

But I'll get a meal. So I go, what do I get? And the guy goes, you gotta get the swordfish. And I go, great, bring it on. He goes, you know,

there's a good wine that pairs well. I was like, bring on the wine. So I must have had like five glasses of wine. I got the swordfish. I got a dessert.

He gives me the check. It was like 280. Like, what are you, you upsold me? I was trying to, I of wine. I got the swordfish. I got a dessert. He gives me the check. It was like 280. Like, what are you? You upsold me? I was trying to, I work here. I'm the headliner and I had to pay for it. You did? I paid.

What could I do? You could tell him to go fuck himself. He was paying me later in the week. I needed it. But nothing really. That was probably your whole check. It was half of it. Yeah.

Yeah. That sucks. I know. It was crazy. But I was like, man, show business is tough. Those days were losing money. When I used to lose money was really yeah. Yeah, that sucks. I know. It was crazy, but I was like, man, showbiz is tough. Those days were losing money when I used to lose money was really heartbreaking. Yeah. I had an emotional breakdown in the car.

I was driving, doing a triple run out here, and I had an emotional breakdown. I pulled over to the side off of fucking Reno. I was on my way to Montana. I just broke down, man. Whoa. I couldn't do it anymore because I barely had enough to have gas to get up there. Oh. And I just was losing it.

Mentally, I was just serious and also it came on the heels of i got i had gotten a speeding ticket i got pulled oh that takes everything you got those speeding tickets oh and i was begging with please i did i begged him so bad yeah i'm just a comedian i'm just going up to boise or whatever wherever i was wherever i was going oh billings montana i've never heard of you like no shit that's why i'm broke yeah that's why there's four different wheels on this hyundai sonata no shit you've never fucking heard of you. Like, no shit. That's why I'm broke. Yeah. That's why there's four different wheels on this Hyundai Sonata. No shit you've never fucking heard of me. These are all stolen

from different fucking body shops. I'm riding on the donut. You know about those, you pig. Now leave me be. I gotta go bomb in Montana. Leave me be, pig. I did. I went and ate shit in my...

And remember when they were doing lie credits? When they were like, you seen this guy? Yes, yes. Lie credits. It's like Comedy Central, HBO, ABC, NBC. It's like you've been on nothing. lie credits it's like comedy central hbo abc nbc it's like you've been on nothing you've been on nothing and youtube wasn't even around so you had nothing to even fake it to prove it i remember i called my mom crying once asking her for five

i was like i need 500 bucks i can't pay the rent i yada yada yada and we don't do that in my family same there's no asking for help or showing emotion. And it was tough. And she was like, take it, Jesus. Right. Like, get out of here, you fucking loser. Because you were so desperate. Yeah. That's how bad it was.

You know, it was New York. It was freezing cold. I'm living in a shitbox with rats. It was hell. And now look at you. Fancy, famous. Here I am with my Hyundai Veloster. Hyundai Molester?

Yeah. I got the Honda Diddler. The Honda Diddler outside. Yeah. Uncle Honda. People should check out, by the way, just plug, just for fun. People should check out Tuesdays with Stories. Yeah.

It's a great show. Thank you. And you do it with the handicapped kid. What's that kid's name who's handicapped that you do it with? Josh Blue. Josh Blue. Oh, yeah. Joe List.

Joe List. Love Joe List. Yeah. And I know we'll do another one with Sam Morillico. We might be drunk because we're the last guys boozing in this business. Me too, me too. We didn't drink today. We should have drank because we're early in the morning here.

We should have told the fans that usually we drink on the show, and I have a plethora of booze that just got sent to me. I have more booze up there than I could ever imagine. Great selection, by the way. As a booze hound, I can tell you, this is top-notch stuff. We got some really, really good stuff that got sent to me. Some of that's private barrel selection. Yeah, that Blanton's, you know, that's a little trick, a little trick to give you about Blanton's,

the one that's wrapped up in the fishnet stock and looking like a little whore, a little round whore there. Yeah. These things are impossible to find. Oh, yeah. At liquor stores typically because they just, they sell out so fast. So the trick for people listening, for you as well, grocery stores. Go to grocery stores.

Not liquor store. No, man. Liquor stores stores they sell out way too fast you go to a grocery store and you'll find these things usually hidden with all the high you know that you know they put them with champagne oh you know when people buy like a dom and they're you know they always have like voove in a glass case almost always they'll have a couple of different kinds of whiskey they usually have like a whistle pig that's a 15 year they'll have a blantons they'll have like uh then they'll put like weller in there maybe it's interesting to find out which grocery stores are keen with good whiskey so i'll go around sometimes if i've got like a day down i'm running errands and i'll just go look at grocery stores and see which which ones carry good shit damn because the local liquor stores the here's what really happens it's a

sham like everything else they call their buddies that are whiskey guys and they're like you know we're getting in on tuesday so they come they buy it yeah oh interesting and and and bars and distributors they get them first anyway so they get first picking so any of your buddies that own local bars and shit they have all the connects damn so for joe schmo losers i gotta go fishing for it so i can find the good stuff but it's grocery stores that's the tip. Don't go to liquor stores. Damn, there you go. You heard it here first, folks. Always go to grocery stores, always.

Yeah. Next time you do come out, we will start boozing again. I know I'm sad we couldn't get a drink today. I would like to. But this is called the Whiskey Ginger, and we should have. We got to drink when we were in Lewis's, when we did it first, did we? I think we had a sip. Yeah, we had a couple of sips.

But I've been back on the road, And it's so nice Being in that green room And you know You got two shows The second show goes well So you have that tequila Or that whiskey Or that scotch And then the second show

You're a little looser Oh yeah And the crowd's a little drunk And you're kind of matching Your drunkness And you do the whole Hey can I get one more On stage

And they bring it to you And the crowd loves it And you shoot it Now you take shots From people from the crowd If they send you up one Well I learned from A skilled booze bag comedian that, uh, he'll get a water sent up in a shot glass. So he's like, and they're like, Oh my God,

he's bananas. You know, he's crazy. Right. So I do a lot of that. I don't do a, I tell them not to bring me the shot. Cause I'm always like, I already have a full drink. I don't also need the shot if I have a full drink. Well, we drink liquor, so we have a full cup of shots. Yeah. We don't need another shot. Another sidecar shot. Will you not drink for the first show? I try not to.

Really? Because the second show, once I start drinking, I can't stop. So by the second show, I'm like, what was I saying? Oh, man, the fucking Jews, I'll tell you. And I go off the rails, so I got to just be a good boy and hang tight. That's how Mitch was when the last time I saw Mitch Hedberg

before he died you saw him? right before he died literally so he did Tempe I saw him at the Tempe Improv and then he went back to the east coast

and then that's he died on the east coast I think when he did a couple of shows maybe in Jersey or something like that but Jersey will kill you

it's got Geraldo well yeah I've been in that hotel I think I've been in the room whoa Stress Factory? yeah baby it gets scary too there's like a church across the street you're like Jersey will kill you. It's got Geraldo. Well, yeah. I've been in that hotel. I think I've been in the room. Whoa. Stress factory? Yeah, baby.

I mean, it's scary, too. There's like a church across the street. You're like, ooh. Yes. It's looming right there. Oh, boy. Which is where you and I wouldn't belong, by the way. You got that right. We died.

But yeah, I saw Mitch right before he died. And I got to tell you, man, was it the worst? It was the worst I've ever seen a guy that I loved do. Because I loved him, man. And I was like, it was terrible. He was mumbling and stumbling and i think he did 28 minutes i count i remember counting damn he did 28 he stood up there for a little bit while a little longer and people started to kind of leave or they would get up to go to the the bar the bar you know and uh fuck it was so weird well it just gets sad you know sometimes like you suck fuck you but with him it was like weird. Well, it just gets sad. You know, sometimes you're like, you suck, fuck you.

But with him, it was like, this is kind of bad and we got to go. Yeah, it wasn't like the Apollo. It wasn't like, boo! No, it was so like awkward. This is a broken man. Yeah, and the rumblings, the conversation started to happen,

like which is the worst when they start, when you hear people going, is he just going, is he going? Yeah, when they're not mean, there's concern. Yes, that's truly what it was. But I remember standing in the back, watching and thinking, it's literally like watching,

when they say you meet your heroes and they're like an asshole to somebody in public, it felt the same way when you're like, oh no, this is not how people need to see you because I know who you really are. Yeah. But he was, I don't know, he was one of the guys that I was like, oh, he'll be embedded into my mind as one of the best of all time.

Man, I wish I could have seen him. He was phenomenal. Who was the guy that for you, you loved when you were like a college age? Probably Chris Rock. That Chris Rock, Bring the Pain. The black guy? Bigger and blacker. Yeah.

That, I know it back to front. That like moved me. Yeah. When I saw it, I was like, I didn't know comedy could be like this. The N-word versus black people and all that shit. And just the pacing. And he was like a skinny guy. Was that Bullet Control?

Yes. Yes. Lay Away, Bullet Control, all that shit. That's three on three with a half cord. He did all the Columbine stuff. He did the Clinton stuff. And it was great. Chappelle's was great.

Killed him softly. But Carlin was big for me just like the the cds i would just listen to him yeah i like i like carlin a lot but i didn't like carlin for his carlin didn't make me laugh like rock made me laugh carlin made me think a lot i was always oh yeah this is so clever it was more like it was more it was like admiring like a nice car to me it was like wow this is fucking incredible it was it was never brilliant yeah yeah yeah you know great points and he had a good he was listenable you're like oh that's good i like that it was all he made me feel stupid in a good way yeah yeah but he was also fucked up like

he would say slurs and pussy farts and this and that right so he had it all right that's what i like he was he was probably uh so if he's on your Mount Rushmore, is that your Mount Rushmore? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, those two for sure. Chappelle, Rock, him. Probably Rock, Carlin. I got to say maybe Rodney. I love Rodney.

Really? And then I love Groucho. I'm a weirdo. I'm old school. No, Rodney's great. What do you mean? Groucho's probably pretty unusual for someone in our age range.

He's just so good. I mean, first of all, he's Woody Allen and Bill Cosby's idol, so that says a lot. Not that those guys are the height of guys both good guys mark loves what they do not what they made yeah yeah both good cats yeah yeah but uh i don't know he kind of started a lot of it like bill murray's kind of doing groucho then vin fawn is kind of doing groucho like he's that guy he's the first one to have that snarky kind of quick wit zinger who are you doing i'm doing groucho you

think so oh yeah big time but seinfeld was big but the show when i saw the show it blew my mind yeah like i would watch it with my parents and they hate everything and they like that and i liked it and that meant are you and jerry friendly yeah we text probably you know once every two weeks wow yeah yeah pretty good is that something that you, like you, you step back and you go, wow, that's kind of weird. I've gotten a text from him. That's about the range.

Every time I get a dick pic from a gay guy? Every time you get a dick pic, I get a Jerry text. Do you and Jerry text like that ever? Yeah, one dick pic. He's uncircumcised, which I couldn't believe. What time?

Wait a minute, is there ever a moment that he's very, is he very playful and joking or the text a little bit serious? They're pretty cut and dry. You know, he's old, but he's business. And I've tried to be playful, and he'll give me like a ha,

and I'm like, I'll take it. But then there's times he doesn't respond, and you want to kill yourself. Right, you want to kill yourself. Yeah, I mean, you just, your whole night is consumed with like, oh, that last one, why did I do that? And then I've done some before, I'm like, you shouldn't have said this. Oh, and I sent it, and it turned out okay. So sometimes I took a risk, and it worked out, and out and sometimes it was horrible right was he a hero at all oh yeah oh yeah yeah definitely see he wasn't for me and I don't mean to disrespect I just he

never was I loved the show but yeah as the comedian wasn't the thing that I loved I love the show so much well I think he's so important because when we when we imitate stand-up we're doing him which is a that's a testament you know like what's the deal uh you know that's him right so that's gotta say a lot yeah and to some degree he's got some stuff too that's pretty poignant like i took a speech class in college and he had a quote in the book that said uh this is one of his old jokes love this joke number one fear in america is public speaking number two is death death is number two that means at a funeral you'd rather be in the coffin than giving the eulogy i remember that joke come on that's great yeah

that's good oh come on it's good i know you if i know you i know you love him i just he was never the guy that clicked for me i i liked more raw, more dirty, more edgy, more fucked up. I mean, I love Geraldo a ton. Love Geraldo. I just like people that really just were a little bit expose. Yeah, yeah. Like in the way that Louis was just kind of like, I'll bleed out for you. I'll just give you all of my dirtiness.

Love that. But what about Gaffigan or Regan? I mean, these guys are great. So I love them too. Or Borghese. But it never connected with me this way. Oh, okay. Because I grew up in an Irish Catholic, loud, dirty, cussy, gross, inappropriate world.

Yeah. Everyone was kind of up to no good. I got you. You know what I mean? Everyone had something bullshit to say. And there was always, people just kind of told the dirty, dirty truth of it all. And I like that a little bit. I like that too.

And that's kind of what we do. But I can still, I feel like I can respect. No, I appreciate the fuck out of it. But yeah, I just, what really clicked with me, I guess bit. I like that too. And that's kind of what we do, but I can still, I feel like I can. No, I appreciate the fuck out of it, but yeah, I just, what, what, what really clicked with me,

I guess was always like filth. I always clicked with filth. That's why I don't love the Rushmore thing. Cause everybody's got their own thing. You know, you know, we try to put, these are the top four,

top five, but it's just different for everybody. Oh, it's impossible. We still have to name a lady. Uh, Oh, I mean,

Joan Rivers is fucking. Oh, Rivers. Rivers is funnier than 90 of the people working today i mean good point he's incredible she the way that she okay again though another person that was dirty that i like filthy i just like that she was like fuck you i don't care that you don't like it it's coming out of a girl's mouth but she did it with such um her quips were so smart i know that it wasn't just like my pussy in the same way that girls like guys aren't talking about their

dick you're like i know so many female comedians and all they do is like my fucking pussy my tit totally at least with her she threw wonderful curveballs and there's a lot of women comics that do it today i think rachel feinstein's fucking hilarious she's great i mean there's a lot of women comics that do that same thing glazer's got some jokes blazers on man that is killer she has that joke one of my favorite jokes goes i hate the n-word that lives next door to me. I mean, that's a great joke, and it's so quick. Sounds like a Mark Norman joke, by the way. Maybe that's why I like it. It sounds like you.

But it's a brilliant joke. I spent this whole podcast not doing my impression of you, which I do on the show. I've heard it. 1,800 people sent it to me, and I find it flattering, and I'd like for you to, we've got to end it with that, at least. We have to end it with that. Yeah. You take us out with one word or one phrase like we always do.

I always say, I walk away, you say one word or one phrase like we always do. I always say, I walk away, you say one word or one phrase, but this time you're going to say a phrase and I'll say it and I'll repeat the same phrase into the camera as you. All right. I'm Kevin Hart. Queef it up, baby. All right. I'm Kevin Hart. Queef it up, baby. Wow. That was pretty good. Pretty good. Man, seeing you do it, I really hate myself. This is my favorite, Marcus. Hey, I'm gay. I'm gay. That's my out.

I love you. Thank you for coming. Thank you, sir. Watch Tuesdays with Stories. Are you on the road? I'm on the road every weekend until fucking Hanukkah. Okay, so go to MarkNorman.com or wherever his website is. MarkNormanComedy.com.

MarkNormanComedy.com. We'll put it in the description below. And check it out for lunch on YouTube. Check out Tuesday Zoo Stores And check out We Might Be Drunk Thank you Thank you so much

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