Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Michael Blaustein

Episode Date: August 9, 2024

Michael Blaustein is a comedic powerhouse known for his quick wit and electrifying stage presence. A seasoned stand-up comedian, Michael's unique blend of humor and relatable storytelling has captivated audiences nationwide. Whether he's performing on the comedy circuit or co-hosting the wildly popular "Stiff Socks" podcast, his dynamic energy and sharp insights keep fans coming back for more. Michael's humor transcends the stage, with a growing social media following that enjoys his hilarious takes on everyday life. Get ready to laugh out loud with Michael Blaustein – a comedy force to be reckoned with. Check him out on the road. Visit https://www.blaucomedy.com for tour dates. #michaelblaustein #whiskeyginger #podcast #andrewsantino =========================================== Sponsor Whiskey Ginger: https://public.liveread.io/media-kit/whiskeyginger SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS SQUARESPACE Get that site up and running now! 10% off your order https://squarespace.com/whiskey ETHOS Affordable Life Insurance Only $10 A Month! https://ethoslife.com/whiskey ======================================= Follow Andrew Santino: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ https://twitter.com/CheetoSantino Follow Whiskey Ginger: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeyging... https://twitter.com/whiskeyginger_ Produced and edited by Joe Faria IG: @itsjoefaria Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What up, Whiskey Ginger fans? Welcome back to the show. If it's your first time joining the show, welcome to the show. Hey, I'm on tour. Come out and see your boy on the Freeze Beach tour. Come see me. Frank, California.

Then I'm up in Vancouver. British Columbia, Canada. I go to Indianapolis, Charlotte. Waukee, Iowa. Omaha, Nebraska. Kansas City, Cleveland. Elizabeth, Indiana. St. Louis.

Grand Rapids. Detroit. New Orleans. San Antonio, Chicago, my home, Durham, Atlanta, Charleston, Philly, New York, Phoenix, San Francisco, San Diego, Boston, and Minneapolis to end the tour. We're adding dates, we're adding cities. Don't be upset. They will be up there soon if you don't see your city or hear it. AndrewSantino.com is where you're going to get those tickets.

AndrewSant dot-com in here We pour Ginger's are beautiful. You owe me five dollars for the whiskey, seventy-five dollars for the horse. Ginger's are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like ginger. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on the show.

I guess what I mean once again today, it's Michael Blaustein! You know, when I first knew of you or heard of you, people should know our history. It's crazy deep. We were on Punk'd together, the remake of Punk'd, in 2000 and say at 11 or 12, I don't even know, 12? 11 or 12? Yeah, I mean over 10 years ago. Yeah, 11 or 12. And they said to me,

I remember the producer said, they're bringing in this kid from New York. Oh God. I said, who's this kid from New York? And they said, he's like an Italian, good looking skinny guy. That's literally what he said. And I- Did you hate me immediately? No, dude. Okay, okay, okay.

No, but I was like, who's this guy? And they made it seem like it was, you know, like it was provocative to bring you in. They were like, wait till you see this fucking guy we got coming in. Oh no. No, it was fun though. We did Punk together and we did a couple episodes. We didn't have a ton of episodes together. We did a couple episodes together.

Yeah. But the show was a disaster and we were talking before this show how we got paid, I don't know, $30 I think to do that in total. What did you walk away with? Maybe $1,000? I mean, like literally probably like probably like 2k. Mm-hmm Like I was it for the whole season that's awesome being on camera writing bits. Yeah Yeah, we I think I feel like I lost money half of the time I will the funny thing is I you were here you were in LA we shot in LA. Yeah, I had a fly here So in my head, I've never even been in LA before so I was like, oh dude

I'm I made like I landed in LA and had that moment in my head I was like, I mean, this is it dude. Right. I mean I made it. This is the what is it? The Miley Cyrus song? I put my hands up to play my song. Literally? Yeah. I mean I was like I literally was looking around the plane being like you guys don't even know who you're on the plane with like I was like Yeah, I was like, oh I done did it. Did they fly you first class? No, sure. No, that's so funny. No, I didn't know anything I didn't know what to ask for. Right. My manager of the time was Garbage, shout out to you, probably not listening, but like not good, not good, probably dead, but you know, so he didn't ask for anything, so I was just, I mean, I was in coach and I literally landed and I was like, oh I did it, like I am, I am James Franco, like someone put me in a thing. Dave Franco.

Dave Franco, yeah. Oh, Dave. You'd be Dave Franco. Yeah, I have to be Dave. James a little bit different. He has issues. Yeah, he's got some issues. He's not doing good. He's not doing good. What is happening with him? Do we know?

Who knows, man? He's out, he's probably counting his money. Is he like starting a cult? No one's worried about that, he's fine. He might be at like the point where he like starts a thing. A cult? Yeah, that's what I mean. You ever thought about that?

Starting a cult? I would be so bad. You could do it. I'm not a good leader. You gained the, look, for the past couple of years, I've known you for a long time. Yeah. You started a podcast with my mortal enemy, a guy who I absolutely loathe and hate in Trevor Wallace, one of the worst human beings, one of the worst comedians, one of the meanest

guys I know. Yeah. Terrible guy. He's not great. Which put you down a couple of notches on my belt. Yep. But you raised right back up. But you've created, and I'll give you some props, you've created such a great world online

for yourself, an audience of you putting up clips and growing your audience organically, which is always, I think, I always give kudos to that, when anybody can create their own world for an audience that they've cultivated by them putting themselves out in a certain way trevor did it in his right to which is kind of interesting he did it sketches a lot of that stuff that has earned him this thing and then you did organically

on your own on the side which is kind of cool to see and it's very well very well rewarded now uh... to work so kudos to that. That's what I wanted to get out of the way and say. Because that's such a cool thing to have when you've made it your own thing. You know, like Bob and I created our audience

for Bad Friends. For sure, yeah. And it's, I don't think people know. It's hard to like really find your people because there's so much noise. But you've kind of made your own little lane, man. It's cool. Yeah, dude, thank you. I don't even made your own little lane, man. It's cool. Yeah, dude. Thank you

I don't even know I don't even like it's you you talk to so many comics that like I'm putting out clips every day and And the algorithm hates me, and I'm being shadow ban and blah blah blah And obviously there's days where I put out stuff that doesn't do well or doesn't do well in my head or whatever But it is but it is it it's crazy It's crazy like that you put out a thing and people like actually want to watch it and then I mean You've been doing this way longer than me just in terms of selling tickets But like that's also another thing where you like because all my like success whatever online happened during kovat So when I started touring it was after kovat obviously and I was like

I don't even know who the fuck's gonna show up right and then like I did it and people showed up and like that was the craziest, the craziest thing. Yeah. When you'd like, I had that weird out-of-body and I'd love to hear your take on this and when this happened for you, because again it happened way before it had happened for me, but it's like when people say your name and people are clapping you're like for, from, I'm a piece of shit. Like I'm a piece of shit and I can't believe that you want to come see yeah what are you get out of here you guys are wrong go on everyone here is wrong yeah no it feels amazing dude I couldn't be more appreciative and and of the the blessing that it is you know it is incredible I not to lament

about it because the people listen I shut the fuck up but we really do it is a lot of hard work it's years of work to get to an audience to get to like you, to come see you. And you're going to get hate online because it started to grow people like, this guy sucks, his clips suck, this sucks, this ain't funny. Fine. It's not for you. I say that all the time when someone's like, I don't like that guy. It's like, well, then it's not for you. That's okay. There's a lot of musicians that are crazy famous that I don't really like the band, but it's not because they're a bad band. It's because I don't like the music. There's plenty of music I don't listen to and I'm not I just don't like it it's not for me. Yeah I mean you you go to their

concerts and they sold 20,000 tickets they're clearly talented. Yeah somebody likes them. Somebody likes them. Right, you may not, that's fine. I remember when I was a young young comic and you know obviously the Laird the Cable thing happened and in my stupid, you know young comic head I was like, he's not funny. He's not funny and they were like, you know, and then it's like well They the people that buy tickets. They don't know what's funny. It's like what the fuck am I even talking about? What are you talking about? It's what am I talking about? like people bought tickets because he entertains them and he is super talented to them and that's all that matters

Yeah, that's all that's a Yeah, that's all that matters. That's a transaction that matters. Stay in that mindset that you just kind of stay in your world with the people that you enjoy because a lot of times, like look, someone that goes see a Nate Bargazzi show isn't probably gonna come to my show because they like a clean comic like him, right? It doesn't mean I'm worse or he's better or whatever.

It just means two different, very different kinds of acts. So that's just the continuation. So congratulations on the success. And I hope it does continue. And you only have one job to do, and that's to stay away from Trevor Wallace, who I'll say again, is a bad guy. The guy puts out an Amazon special.

He thinks he's hot shit now. He walks around with his shoulders back. You notice he does that a lot now? He thinks he's cool. He's tall though. He is a little bit tall. He's a little tall. Thin, thin, tall guy. Guy who. He's tall though. He is a little tall thin thin tall guy guy

Guy who doesn't feel tall is tall Yeah, that's exactly right you feel in the bed in the best way possible you feel tall. I'm tall tall tall I'm tallish. Yeah, I'm tallish. Yeah, you told me I'm 5'8. So anyone tall to me 6'1 is a beast to you Oh, yeah, you're sick. You're more than 6'1 6'1 Which is the internet internet always goes I think you're gonna be short when they see me in person someone goes I think you're gonna be short and I think because most people are shorter than they look when they do camera stuff I think your energy's tall my energy's don't look tall my dad was tall That's why oh and when you look up to your like was your dad a big guy?

Six foot not like dad is he alive. I wish he was dead. No, he's alive You didn't get along with your dad when you were what? Nah, he's great. No, he's fine. You're fine. He's great. Your parents are still together? Yes. Wow. No. What the hell?

No. No. Split. They split up. Six, when they divorced when I was six months. Whose fault? Mine. Yeah. I mean, do it.

It's gotta be. Six months is crazy. Like, you could still, like, I'm, I'm come out of my mom's pussy and then six months later, my dad's like, no, it's gotta be. It has to be. My parents got divorced before I was one, so I'm on a similar line. I don't know what age I was. I don't remember my mom telling me, but it was pre one.

I was pre one, which means that gap year is your year. If you make it past one and your parents get divorced, it's on them. If it's before you turn one, it's our fault. It's the baby's fault. I mean, wah, wah, wah, shut up, I'm gonna leave the family. Like that's it, and here's the thing, he was right. Yeah, smart guy. Dude, I'm gonna leave my family so fast.

The first, eh, oh my God, get a fucking job. Going to get cigarettes, going to start smoking cigarettes so I can go get them. Yeah. I get it, trust me, I understand. Would you want to start a family? But how old are you? You're younger than me, right? 39.

Yeah, just by an inch. Where are you at? 40. 40. The old 4-0, baby. Turning 41, actually, this year. You feel good? You gotta feel good.

No, I feel really bad, actually. Really? Yeah, it's falling apart. I just think around 40, everything started to go haywire. I had a bad injury from my back and I had this hip thing No, yeah, I'm an old guy now. I'm we will wobbling around town is a disaster. What happened with your back? Four guys were just railing me pounding me taking turns turns. I wanted it at the same time. No, we tried we tried I heard my back. I've dude honestly. It's like the lamest shit

I wish it was like a sex story. Like, I was in a sex dungeon. I was running at night. I used to run, go to the gym, run home. It's such a dumb story. I was running and it was dusk. And I was tired. I should have stretched, by the way,

after I went to the gym. Oh, you didn't stretch. I just started running home again, because that's what I always did. It was sort of a routine. It was like a mile stretch. I just started running home again, because that's what I always did. I was just, it was sort of routine. It was like a mile there, workout, a mile home. It was great. Well, over, maybe a little bit over.

But I was tired and I didn't see a curb. The curb differential was not the normal curb. You know what I mean? Regular curb, different. So it was a big gap. And I have my headphones and I'm running and I'm looking forward. And as I went down the curb,

it was higher than I expected, deeper than I expected expected and all my weight fell on one side of my body and I boom snapped I herniated a disc real bad I don't know what that means but it sounds like it sucks it says like between your discs are little jelly donuts that's what they say like a little it's a little like a pouch okay and all the jelly came out of the donut did is it better it hurt it hurt worse than I could ever not really once the jellies out it she go So the disk is starting to do the disk is like deteriorated Hold on you can't we can't put jelly back and put the jelly back in the donut

Have you ever taken jelly out of the don't you can't put it back in but I mean they can they can create like They can double sheep. You know I mean like they can they do things they can't put it There's little other fixes, but people get surgery a lot of people get disk fusion which is missing Fuse them. I've seen it then they move And I don't like rank. I don't want to be Bobby's height by the end of it. You know I want to stay six one So what no so they can't do anything to it really it's just PT a lot of PT over the years I've been I go to physical therapy a lot and all that shit is so boring, but it's it sucked It ruined a big piece of my athletic prowess. I stopped running. I never ran again done

No, I do cardio, but I don't run outside like I'll do Ro I do rowing and elliptical on the bike isn't isn't rowing shitty for the back. I feel like it's a lot oddly It's not it's funny cuz you're supposed to use your legs. I don't ever knew that yeah If you don't if you if you mean us was a jerk really hard if your power should come from your lower body Well, that's the problem. I have no power from my lower body. You don't, you have skinny little legs. Really small. But you go to the gym, don't you?

I do. I got a good, I got a, I got a, good's crazy. I got a above average bod from the waist up. Waist down, it's in shambles. Waist down, it's in shambles. I mean, it's- Crooked penis and skinny legs. It's awful.

You do have skinny little legs, don't you? They're bait. Like I'm, I literally share, I'm not joking you. I share my girlfriend's jeans. And it sounds like a bit. What's your waist? It's 28. 28?

Buddy, I got dainty hips, it's not. Wow, you're not even a full-size guy yet. You need to be cooked more, that's why your dad left. 28, I'm out. He goes, this kid's gonna have a 28 waist. I'm outta here. Disgusting. What size is my waist?

You know it, say it. 36. 34, dude, slow down. For fuck's sake. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Who am I, DeStefano? I think at one time- I think that's why I guessed it.

One time he was 38, he told me, he was like, I had an emotional breakdown, I was 38. I mean, that's disgusting. It's so funny. Yeah. It's such a regular size waist, but for- Is it? Yeah, dude, for big guys, for like a big man.

He's a man. He's a big boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a thick boned boy. He is a thick boned man. You gotta remember, dude, you're a small, you're a compact, you're a waif thing. You're just, yeah, you're waif-y. You're a toy machine. Yeah. You're a little cute little car. And you go like this and I go forward. Yeah. Like, hey daddy. Yeah, you take off. That's right. A lot for no reason. You do that everywhere you go.

Beep beep when you walk in the door. Yeah. When I open the restroom door, I go beep beep, beep beep. Excuse me, excuse me, Gents. Hey boys. Hoping that there's men in there. And they're all- And there is. So you could hurt your back the way that I hurt my back. Yeah, jelly out of my donut, but jelly in my mouth too.

Give me that jelly. Bomp, bomp, bomp. Give me the jelly. That's me swallowing jelly. You know, I learned when we first started working together that Blaustein, it's a made up name because you're not even Jewish. Your real last name is?

Is Shanaewa. Shanaewa? Mm-hmm. It's hard to say in a lot of languages. You are Jewish, aren't you? Yes. 51% Ashkenazi Jewish. Ashkenazi, be careful.

I know, a lot of cancer, I think. They have a lot of cancer in general. Yeah, why is that? It's a genetic thing. You're weak. You're weak people and it's the hips No, I'm DJ. I think we are weak. No, dude as a people I think no runs big Jew name a big Jew Where big nose for sure, but like big big. No, sure sure sure. How about uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, oh Oh, oh, yeah, uh, uh, the uh, the uh goblum goblum's jeff goblum yep huge uh uh howard stern big tall he's big is he tall he's tall he's like six four but that's height he's he's he wouldn't be a good person to move uh like rocks around yeah he's not gonna help you move

no you're right you are tiny you're tiny no i have we have friends are ashkenazi and um move. No, you're right. You are tiny. You're tiny. No, I have, we have friends that are Ashkenazi and what's terrible, terrible piece of inside information, in women, Ashkenazi, it's the highest rate of ovarian and breast cancer, but they come as a pair. A lot of times if you get one you get the other one. What? I know this from personal experience. Our friends. Bogo? Friends. Yeah, you get Bogo. I hate that. Yeah, it's terrible. Why, why, why? Why did, we're like're like we're the chosen people but also chosen to get cancer It's like how it's like alcoholism for Irish people. Is that real? It's in the jeans. Is it real? Very like look at the 40 bottles of booze. I am the dumbest. Yeah, I mean whiskey. Yeah, I love it

You never drank I Very infrequently. Yeah, the only time I drink is like After when I need to like calm down, like you know, after like meet and greets or whatever, or before the last meet and greet, I'm like, I feel like I need a drink. One drink though. Yeah, one. One and then you're good.

Yeah, can I show you this? Well in that, I know you don't know that feeling of like, my feeling of needing it, but is it that? Is it like, I want a drink because I just like the way I feel or is it like a, I kinda need it? I don't need it. Okay. I love to have a couple, you know what it really is?

It's social for me. I love to have a couple of drinks with people. I never drink alone. So that's kind of like my, I have no interest in having a drink by myself at the house. Okay. Right? Like if I'm at home with my wife, I mean, we never drink at home. I have no interest in having a drink by myself at the house. Okay. Right?

Okay, well that's good. If I'm at home with my wife, I mean we never drink at home, we just don't. We just don't, I don't know. Not even like dinner and glass of wine? No, why? I don't want to eat dinner, I'm not drinking. I don't know, it's, to me drinking is not a pair with,

you know when people like get a glass of wine with dinner? Yeah. Not interested, I want to eat the food. Right. If I wanted to have a glass of something, and I'm not a big wine guy, I would have whiskey at night with friends. If I can be social with you about it, then I'm in. But once it turns away from social, I'm not interested at all. I don't want to sit alone and drink.

This is already scary enough. I don't want to open up the webs alone. Have you done any psychedelics? Oh yeah. Up the brain? Big time. Mushrooms. Mushrooms the most. I did acid when I was young and I absolutely Do you done have you done like any psychedelics? Oh, yeah brain big-time mushrooms Mushrooms the most I did acid when I was young and I absolutely hated it. What was what was that for you? I just felt I felt like it was the wrong high for me. That's probably the best way I can say it Okay, it felt like not my high. Do you know what I'm saying? Yes, I do in the same way That's if you got too drunk, you'd be like this isn't for me. No. I'm not this guy.

There's very few like highs, quote unquote highs that hit me correct. The mushroom one. Okay. Dude, love it. Love it. And caffeine, holy shit. You love caffeine.

Massive. What are you on right now? Three, four cups? How many cups? I am on, I usually do a triple espresso, oh, currently right now? 3, 4 cups? How many cups? I am on, I usually do triple espresso, oh currently right now? Yeah. Triple espresso, and then maybe like 70% of a 5-hour energy. Oh my god, you drink that stuff?

Yeah. I need to stop. It's not, it can't be... I think that 5-hour energy is going to be the source of a very new cancer. Oh. It's gotta be, dude. There's no chance that it's legit. There's nothing in it. You know why I feel fine about it? It's crap. Oh, it's all crap.

But the reason I feel fine about it is literally ass. And this is, I'm an idiot. I asked one doctor, and I go, hey, this is fine, right? Ask him like that, full leading question. This is okay, right? He goes, yeah. That's what I'm going on. Sure.

The yeah. A slight yeah. Not even in a doctor's office office a friend of mine's dead Oh, he was even paying attention. He's smoking cigarettes. I mean, yeah, he's like you're good, dude my father my buddy's dad is a was a doctor and still smokes to this day and Is what he's fine and he's like, yeah, it gets you. It doesn't get you. What is that? Well, he's right though It is funny. It's like there's people, you know that work out their whole life My mom's friend her her husband died. It was like a soccer coach. He was like a healthy health nut

He died that look in his 50s of a heart attack out of nowhere So do we think that like he just that was his that was his plan was his destiny Okay, if you're gonna go you're gonna go dude, so that's that's all the more That's all the more reason for me to just have a good time have two fire energies a day who cares Yeah, you're gonna have I'm not against it I say do whatever is gonna make you happy, because you're gonna go. And by the way, the world is- you can feel it, right? It's ending, aren't we? Here's the thing.

It's common. Here's the thing. I don't- I don't care. Life is fine. Yeah, you're good. It's fine. This is fine. And we have good lives, but this is fine. If everyone's like, oh, press the button fucking press it press it like I'm sick of Do it get rid of me. I mean it's over. Let's get out of here like you get out of here or not But I'm not to do I'm not the type of guy that's a go life. I don't like I swear. I don't care I'm not this guy that was like in the life. I mean it's not it's are you in love right now?

Yes, very much. Okay, so moon so you would be sad if you lost her though. Oh, yeah, okay So you got to go together if it's gonna happen you got to hold her tight Oh shit, you don't want like a portable and then you survive and she does oh, yeah But I'm one of those guys that was like, you know, those guys are like, oh, what are you doing the zombie apocalypse? I'm gonna kill myself like I'm not out. Yeah, I'm out no self-defense mechanisms inside none Wow Well, because that's like that's the that the moment of being like oh I yearn to live Mm-hmm, you're not gonna fight for it. I have trouble and I have trouble with life now Okay, zombie apocalypse going around yep. Are you gonna give yourself to them? You're gonna sacrifice you just wait till they get you

I'm gonna blow my brains out. Oh, you're gonna die before they get to you. Yeah. Yeah, I'd rather watch them eat me really fun I don't know what that feels. Come on get in there. Yeah Watch them eat me. Really? Fun. I don't know what that feels like. Come on, get in there. Yeah. Get in there.

Get in there. Do you think you taste good? Do you think you taste better than normal people? No, no, no, because I've tasted my blood when I cut my fingers sometimes. It's weird. You taste your own semen? They won't taste my blood, no.

Okay. Not this year. They won't take my blood over at the donation clinic. Redheads. Is it a bit? They won't take our semen and blood. Is it a bit? They don't need our blood.

What do you mean? They say no. For why? You tell me, pal. This is a real? They don't need our blood. What do you mean? They say no. For why? You tell me pal. This is a real thing? No but truthfully no. The blood no, but semen you know that redheads they don't want they don't they you cannot donate. Yeah you guys are going extinct. No but you can't donate they don't want them at sperm banks because no one picks a redhead. That's wild. No it makes a lot of sense. Have you seen redheads? Yeah the guys are disgusting but the women are attractive. Correct. I agree but what are the you got fifty fifty shot.

Mmm. Who wants that chance? Or you have a 100% chance of not having a redhead. You know, let me- Easy math. Let me amend that. Let me amend that. Yeah.

I was doing it for a bit purposes. I think redheads in general, and this is not a bit, are attractive people. I swear to God. No, no, no, no, no. Dude? Wrong. Dude? No. Right. Dude. Ron Howard, Carrot Top, me, come on dude. No, right dude Ron Howard Carrot Top me

Come on Louie did none of these guys I can't believe you just put yourself in all of them in that grotesque I'm not a comic we're all the same kind of comic comic but not the rest wise not looks wise Kathy Griffin looks she's atrocious Ron Weasley awful But not you I don't she ran If the fact do you know how fucking good he is? None of these people are hot. Do you know how good he is at singing? That's what kills me.

Yeah, he's the best. People look at... He's showtime. He's the best. But people are like, I'm attracted to that. And I'm like, are you attracted to that? Are you attracted to his ability? Yeah. And the vessel that he's throwing? His aura. His aura's crazy.

His vibe is right. Dude, you know I love him. But he's not a handsome guy. His aura's crazy. His vibe is right. But he's not a handsome guy. And I'm not saying that to shit on him. I'm saying traditionally handsome. Redheads were not traditionally handsome. That's our thing. You, you little fucking Jewish guy from New York coming, you know, all skinny bodied from Punk'd.

And I thought, look at this fucking, this is the eye candy for the show. They brought in the hot guy for the show. They had a bunch of uggowuggos, and they said, bring in the hot guy. In here, we pour whiskey. Hey, this episode of Whiskey Ginger is brought to you by Squarespace.

I have talked about the Squarespace for quite a long time, and that's because I use them, I love them, and I know them. And back in the disay, we used to create websites so jankily, is that a word? So haphazardly, it was impossible. But now with Squarespace Blueprint, AI, and SEO tools,

they make it seamless and professionally curated, okay? These layout and styling options build a unique online presence from the ground up, tailored to your brand, your business, and optimized for every single device, no matter what people are searching you on. Easily launch your website and get discovered fast with integrated optimized SEO tools so you show up more often to more people and grow the way you want. This is the best part about it.

If you're looking to build a website, whether you're someone that sells something, whether you're a personal trainer or you make little trinkets or you're a comedian or a musician or an artist of some kind and you need to put yourself out there to the world. You can sell content on there. They have flexible payment options if you're selling merch. And also, I think probably the most convenient part for me is these analytics that they've got. They really do measure end-to-end online performance.

Powerful website seller analytics, so you know where people are coming from, where their traffic is, where the hits are coming from, and you can focus on the engagement specifically down to the city and the area so you know who your fans are and who's interested in what you're putting out to the world. So if you're looking to build a website, I have no idea why you would do anything other than Squarespace. It's incredible.

Go to squarespace.com slash Whiskey, save 10% off your first purchase of website or domain using the code whiskey. Again, go to squarespace.com, check it out. All right, when you're ready to launch, squarespace.com slash whiskey, save 10% off your first purchase of website or domain, use that code whiskey. We all wanna protect our loved ones.

How can you do that? Just had a call with my business manager about a week ago about protecting my loved ones and myself for that matter and that's why Ethos is here for you. You don't have to fight a tiger to show your family that you can protect them and keep them safe. Protect your loved one in minutes with Ethos. It's affordable life insurance.'s quick, easy, and all done online with no medical exams. Very rare, by the way. This is so convenient. It's remarkable. Very simple, very quick, and you can start your policy instantly today so your family is protected. No medical exam required. In the past, they always made you do this, but now you just have to answer a few health questions 100% done online from your computer. You can

see your rate in minutes. Term life policies start as low as $10 a month. You got $10 a month, I know you do. If you just bought a latte this morning, it's pretty close, especially with the tip being the 25% option they make you do every single time now. You can personalize your coverage to your family's needs, helping your kids through college, your spouse with a mortgage, your family with income replacement, and much, much more.

Affordable options from 10 to 30 years of coverage. It's a long time. Who knows how long you'll be around? your family with income replacement and much much more. Affordable options from 10 to 30 years of coverage. It's a long time. Who knows how long you'll be around. I hope for a very, very long time, but why not be covered and protected in the meantime for yourself and for your loved ones? Protect your family today.

Get up to $2 million in term life insurance coverage in 10 minutes with Ethos. Answer a few health questions and get your free quote at ethoslife.com slash whiskey. That's ethos, E-T-H-O- ethos life.com slash whiskey that's ethos E T H O S life.com slash whiskey what did you move from by the way were you in New York when you were a kid I don't know where you grew up I grew up in Maryland oh you did silver you were living in New York yeah right move Silver Spring Maryland silver spring

Maryland guys that sound nice dude picket fence type of shit? It's fine. What did your mom do for a living? Nurse. And your dad? He was in, like, was. He is in business. Did you have a stepdad? Yeah.

You like him? He's out of the picture now. He was fine. Has anyone like, I mean, the answer is yes, but has anyone generally found like, you? I got lucky. Really? I got a dad who, like, stepped up to the plate in a way that is unimaginable. My mom had a little redheaded baby, single woman, and granted my mom is a very attractive woman who's smart and cool. She's so hot. She's the best. Yeah. Granted. Boobs are great. Yes. Oh! Sucky, sucky.

Dude, I got to for four years. Oh, you lucky duck. Granted that's a, you know, who wants to, that sounds terrible, but it takes okay. I'll rephrase it to sound smart it takes a really solid man in his own life to take on a Relationship committed truthfully relationship To someone who has a child from somebody else and in a in a from a divorce. Yeah. So there's a certain type of guy that has the balls to do that and I reward I I salute all men that do that because that's tough dude it's tough to get get in with a woman who's like by the way I have a kid with some other

fucking guy that you don't know that could be a nightmare. Yeah. And might still be in our lives. No granted my he wasn't but for my stepdad who became my father did all the things, dude, taught me how to ride a bike, play hoop. He was the guy. He became my dad. You know what I mean? That's wild, too.

I mean, obviously kudos to him, because he did a fantastic job. You're a great gentleman. But it is wild, that moment where your mom goes, "'I have a child.'" And not only do you have a child and you have to date the girl with the child, it's also like the child's young enough

where you have to be the dad. It's not even like- Yeah, because I looked up to him. Be the dad. Because this cool guy now is around, who's nice to my mom, who makes my mom happy, so you immediately kind of, you know, you idolize him a little bit,

because you're a young boy and you're like, well, this cat is is I really like this guy I hope he stays around I like I like having a guy It's it's nice to have another dude. You know what I'm saying so yeah that takes a lot it does take a lot of balls to raise a kid that isn't yours and I Genuinely reward every guy out there that's raising kid that isn't yours because that's hard. I know that's not there's no way That's easy. There's no way because there is always the question of like Why didn't my dad why don't have you know I mean? Yeah?

It's also like you have to you have to love it which is crazy It's not even yours all right so like you you love it through your love of the your wife or whatever yeah And then eventually I think obviously you love that you love the kid But it's like dude you ever like this is not a good comparison But sort of you ever like have to pet sit like a dog No, yeah, and the dogs have to go out after go out. It's like I don't like this is not a good comparison, but sort of you ever like have to pet sit like a dog No, yeah, and the dogs have to go out after go out. It's like I don't even fuck shit on the ground I don't love you. Yeah, I gotta take you for a walk. Fuck you I don't I don't care like I don't I don't love you right and then eventually I think you go

Oh, no, I know I know I love you, but that transition well that's to do one cute thing Yeah, they do one thing and you go you son of a bitch got me look at you you son of a get over here Yeah, do you have a dog? Yeah? I have a dog who I can't even describe to you much I love and we have dog sitted other dogs Yeah, and I look at my dog and I go do you want to go out do you want to what do you want to do? And then the other dogs like I want to come to and it's like I jump off the balcony. Yeah, go who are you? Go go outside. You sleep outside. Yeah, I left the door open. Goodbye. Goodbye. Yeah, go. Who are you? Go! Oh, outside.

You sleep outside. Yeah, I left the door open, goodbye. Goodbye. Does your dog sleep in bed with you guys? Yeah. Yeah, does it sleep right up by you or by your feet? So cutest thing ever, and maybe your dog does it too, my dog sleeps underneath the covers.

Whoa! It is, my dog's also 11 pounds. It is, dude. 11 pounds, so very tiny. Really tiny, yeah. What kind of dog is that? Like a Chihuahua Terrier? Okay, right. It's me, but a dog. Yeah, dude. I had what's it called? What's it? Uh Greta Greta Greta?

Cute yeah, Greta Garbo's our color GG after the famous Greta Garbo the actor there you go Many people may not know who that is silent movie star guys Greta Garbo very very talented was also hot very good looking yeah back when like when like, uh, it is funny when you look at old movie stars of those eras that a lot of them were just extremely talented, but the looks thing was like when you saw a looker, you were like, Oh wow. That you could tell how hot she is even in black and white. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh my God. You're hot in black and white. That's unbelievable. But it's also that and also dude there's no plastic surgery so you look like that like naturally. Yeah. Yeah that is there's no facetune. Nope. There's no color like it just and there's talk about aura we talked about 10 minutes ago those motherfuckers have to there's no the

editing is lack have you ever seen Marlon Brando screen test for a screen screen? Street card. Yes, yeah. Yeah, dude An enigma I'm gay. Yeah, I'm like like I'm for that. That's crazy. Yeah, that's your guy Huh, that would be your type Brando. Holy young Brando. Yeah, you're obviously older Brando Not the same young brand my guy would have been who Steve McQueenQueen probably yeah, I was gonna say that bad boy motorcycle zoom me up I wanted to pick me up You know let me my little hair in the wind behind him on a bike you know you know the Louie's bit I just want a boyfriend. Do you know that bit? Yeah, dude. He said that bit. I go I paused especially

I go yeah, yeah, I just cuz it's like yeah I just want just hold me like let me feel protected so, I like, it's maybe because, you know, I didn't have a dad, but like, I just, just someone hold me. Like, that's big. It feels good. What are the percentages of comedians that didn't have dads or had broken home fathers?

You think it's over 80? You think it's like 75, 80? Oh, I think it's like 90. I think we're in the 90s. Could be, because I do have a lot of friends that have parents, very healthy relationships, but we're kids of the 80s. and so that was just such a normal thing. When I was a kid growing up, it was almost like everybody I met whose parents were still

together, I was like, whoa, what's going on? Is one of them dying? Are they sick? Yeah, one of them's got to be sick. How cool are you that you stay? That's what I think. Yeah, all my friends growing up, at some point, their parents split around a lot of the same time. The wildest shit to me was,

they waited for the kids to go to college and then they have a divorce. Yeah. Because they're staying together for the kid, but then you think, well, they were old enough to know that you guys weren't getting along the whole time. They had different rooms. Yeah, you just got a gone, gone.

Really, is that where you're at? Like if you have trouble, not, let's say, another life, if you have issues, if you have kids, issues's another another life if you have issues if you have kids Issues with the wife are you gonna are you the stay with the kid and say with those marriage because the kids type of guy Do you feel like are you don't have kids, but if we did have kids? And it was and it got rocky and bad You'd fight until you can't fight anymore, but I wouldn't then go to the place of like Well, let's just stay together for the kids because I wouldn't want her to be miserable, me to be miserable, it would be transferred to the kids.

That's where I'm at. Inevitably, they're gonna feel it. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Just rip the band-aid off because, let's say if she hates you or you hate her, or you guys just, it's just not happening anymore, the kids are teenagers, they're smart enough to know. They fucking know.

Yeah, I mean, dude. They can tell that it's like, yeah, fucking mom won't even look you in the face. Something's weird. Right. Yeah. Like I have, excuse me, I live dude. They can tell that it's like yeah, fucking mom won't even look down. Something's weird, right? Yeah Like I have to remember if I live my girlfriend now if we have a tiff the the dog The dog knows in in in her crate. She's never in a crate She goes right into her crate so like you you can you can feel it tension is the tensions real dude I was I grew up in a household tension. It's like it like I could walk literally dude

I could walk in a household tension. It's like it like I could walk literally dude I could walk in the door and I you could feel the temperature of the house Yeah, like is my mom in a good mood or my mom's in a bad mood open the door and you could feel it Was that from the stepdad or just because just because I mean she dudes like she was a single mom for the majority of me Living at the house, you know the stepdad was there but for like maybe two years and then when he died Yeah, she killed him. She's a murderer, serial murderer. Cool. It's pretty cool. That's like that show Nurse Jackie.

That's like your mom, right? Yeah. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just a lot of drugs. Didn't she get addicted to drugs? I think that's what I have no idea. I have no idea. I have no fucking clue. I think it was, in my mind it was like Dexter but Nurse Dexter.

Yeah. Probably not. No, I think she got addicted. Dude, she's addicted to opiates probably. She probably killed a bunch of people I'm watching soprano speaking her. I've never seen it before Dude, what dude never saw it. I am I'm in season two episode whatever the fuck and this is dumb Everyone's seen it Michael. What are you doing? Yeah fucking unbuttoned? It's a dude dude. No no I Show you never you never? Missed a spot on purpose because I was like, I don't give a fuck.

I have to finish. I gotta watch. I have to. So I've done it, three times is the number I keep telling myself, but truly two and a half times that I've cycled through. All the way through? Yeah. God damn it.

Well, dude, we live on airplanes. Yes. I downloaded, I download everything I can download and at some point, a couple years ago maybe, my buddy Vin and I were joking around about it and he was like, just re-watch it then. I was like, yeah, what the fuck, why don't I? Yeah. I like, I didn't, it's one of those things where once you put something to bed, you kind

of just don't do it. It's almost like, I know how much I used to like Breaking Bad, but it's a, will I watch it again? I don't know, maybe, I guess. That's the only one I've ever rewatched. That was such a good, it's like, dude. But Sopranos, come on, dude. Well, everyone.

Bada bing. I mean, everyone, I mean, it's, it's, it's so dumb me being excited about a thing that came out 20 years ago or whatever. But like, truly, it's so good. Like, I can't, it's like like the first season was like reading like a Fantastic book and I just like every dude every character. I want to fuck everybody I'm talking in Italian like I just I just I want to be them so bad

I want they make killing people so cool. They glorified It's so it's such a good job of like But the show does did it also did a very good job of showing the downfalls of That lifestyle just like all those great gangsters movies a great gangster movies and TV shows like the fact that like every guy you bought weed From in high school always had a scarface poster in his room, and you're like dude Don't you know how this ends did you see the end of the movie? You see the fucking movie good. They're like shit. You're like. Yeah, dude. He dies in his own house getting shot up Say hello.

That was always funny. Every dude in his house I went over to to buy weed in high school, it was always like, they had a Scarface poster. The movie Belly was like on DVD. I love Belly. Yeah, that was such a good movie. That was so good.

It was like always that. They had glass tables and there was always ash in there from smoking indoors. They always smoked cigarettes inside. Clean, clean Windex. It's just a cultural thing, man. It's just like the guy that sells drugs, he is that guy. And it always smelled dirty in the apartment, even though the apartment was kind of clean. It was such a weird subculture of buying weed. Now-

The carpet was brown. Always brown. Always brown. Always brown, yeah. It was born brown. Yeah. It's not like it turned brown. It was a born brown carpet. They put it, they go, hey, we need a color brown. It was a born brown carpet. They put it there. Hey, we need a color brown brown Yeah, don't want it. Stuff's gonna spill. There'll be Hennessy spilled on this carpet. You never smoked pot, did you? Yeah. Yeah, but you do now

No, never. Very like when I have trouble sleeping on tour. I'll hit a little vape. What about your girl? Does she enjoy indulging anything? No. Sober sober. Sober sober. I mean she loves wine. Yeah, loves wine She's a big wine at dinner lady. She's not in the business though. No. Well, not in the comedy business. She's a director writer. A director writer.

Thank God. Not in front of the camera. No sir. This is good. This goes back to Al Madrigal's famous line of one head shopper household. So that's good. Funny. One head shopper household.

I mean funny. If she's behind the camera, you're good. That's fine. I've dated an actress. Very nice woman. No. Right. No. Too much. Well, and if I'm being honest with you, Yes sir.

Betty White was weird. That was weird that you did hook up with her for that long. And I don't know if people know that, but you dated her for quite a long time. That's why she died. Yeah, you fucked her to death. I fucked her to death. Got a big old Jewish hog. Wow. You're snipped too, right? You're clipped. Have to. Like a good boy. Are you? Yeah, but I feel like I didn't know anybody that wasn't.

In fact, the kids at school that weren't snipped, you know, with the little anteater husk. What's happening? It was so weird. I was like, what happened to your parents? They didn't love you? They didn't want to snip? Meanwhile, over there, across the pond, unsnipped, my buddy Mark. Why? Well, they don't snip over there. I think they think it's, unsnipped, my buddy Mark. Why? Well they don't snip over there. I think they think it's like baby mutilation or something like that. I think it's a little bit of that. I mean you know. But it's for health reasons. Yeah but also they're taken away. I mean it's something

astronomical how much nerve anise are taken away from us. So the dudes would imagine what we would feel. I mean. See I already feel enough. I don't know if I need any more. I come fast now. Yeah. So like yeah I couldn't even imagine. Hold feel. I mean. See, I already feel enough. I don't know if I need anymore. I come fast now. Yeah. So like, I couldn't even imagine. Hold on. I just came. Good. Yeah, and I didn't even need those nerve endings.

Wouldn't that be fucking awesome? I mean, wouldn't that be fucking awesome? What we talked about, there was a girl we found on the internet years ago, and then she went on YMH. There was like a condition where a woman can't stop coming. She had like a multiple, she like comes all day from trauma though. Yeah, it's bad. Wow. Yes, not last part's not great Yeah, well it has to come from somewhere. It's not natural. You don't need to be coming all day long

It's a why would there's yeah, there's no world that you know, no dark Awful just every single yes. I just taking money out of Wells Fargo, just coming. That's awful. Oh my God, pumping gas. Pumping gas, going to Ralph's, this woman loves avocados, just coming over the avocados. I mean, you can wait in no lines. You can't wait in a line. You can't go outside.

Yeah, yes, that's the issue. So I guess if that was your disposition, if you came all the time, where would you live? If you couldn't really go anywhere. Yeah. Like where is your little oasis? If you came all the time, where would you live? If you couldn't really go anywhere. Yeah. Like where is your little oasis? Like where would you love to retire?

Or to end up? You want to go back to the East Coast? This is a great question. Or be here? I think I'm gonna have to be here. I was a big back to East Coast guy for so long. I crossed the barrier into don't know if I can go back East Coast Wow even though mom is there? Mom's there I mean literally everyone's there But what is it you think you just love the West Coast? You love California?

Yeah it's just the weather yeah and it is but yeah I mean I mean so it would be it would be here it honestly would probably be Malibu to be honest If you really got paid? Yeah. that's big money out there. Yeah It's just that's yeah, that's a nice peaceful place to go. Do you think you could ever just like stop? No, no no no no no it's it's I'll die yeah, I mean on stage. I'm gonna die in some weird a loft I'm gonna die like what? What is specific those Marriott a loss yeah, I'm gonna die in one of them alofts, dude. They're not shitty, but they're not good.

That's so funny. Yeah, they don't know what they are. They don't even know. It's all over the place. It looks like a Dave and Buster's. You know the hotels that have a, like a little store in the... I don't like those. Yeah. That's when you know it's down low, that you're like, what is this, a little shop in the front? The shop though, I will say, when they have the espresso machine, I mean. Oh, that's huge.

I mean. Well, so now that you've upgraded on tour, you're selling more tickets and you're moving around, do you put yourself ever in nice hotels? Yeah, I'm- You spoil yourself a little bit. I got bougie, the only thing I'm bougie about right now is travel.

So it's like- Right, well, cause we do it all the time. Yeah. So it's, if I'm because we do it all the time. Yeah. So it's... if I'm traveling with the whole team, then we usually get an Airbnb, because it doesn't make any sense to get five rooms or whatever. How many people to go with you? I will have one, two, three, four people. Who?

Well, who? So the videographer, two... Oh, I'm sorry. So four total. The videographer and two openers, generally. Oh,. You bring two people. God bless. I would say probably, yeah, 60% of the people bring two people. Where do you find these comics? They're my buddies. Oh really? Yes. Do I know who they are? Uh, I think so. Probably. Daniel Weingarten. Daniel Weingarten and who's the other one? Will Burkhart. Yeah. Yeah, so we'll Burkhart and then I have two guys if I'm going East Coast

So Neil Gauche and then Case Rosso. And you owe and this is who you always have? Yeah It's like I put out a sheet. What are they 2020 and you? Yeah And this is clubs or theaters now? It's more theaters and clubs, but definitely still clubs I don't think I'll ever stop doing clubs. Yeah. Dude, I... Depends on the club. I could stop doing some of them. There's a couple that I won't go back to anymore.

Yeah, of course. But there's some that I'll do till I die. Dude, I mean, Denver Comedy Works, I don't think I'll ever do the theater there. Even, like, I can, we can. Yeah, you will. Okay. Yeah, you will.

All right. But it's... Paramount's great, man. Dude, but they're so... I don't. Yeah, you will. Okay. Yeah, you will. All right. Paramount's great, man. But they're so, I don't have to tell you this, they're so, clubs are just, they're just better, man. The energy is amazing, it does feel different. When I'm at the theater, you know, I'm doing a big theater run at the end of this year and to do my special,

and theaters do have a more button-up professional. Okay, look, clubs feel like I'm going out drinking with a bunch of buddies. Yeah. And the theater feels like I'm going out for a really nice dinner. Both rewarding in their own way. Yeah.

You know, like I'm excited for the meal. Theaters are much more like I'm putting on a hour show. I'm doing an hour and I'm putting on a show. Don't you feel like, certain theaters like the I did the Neptune in Seattle. Seattle, yeah. That feels, that's just like a big club. Wilbur. Wilbur, big club. Like it just is a theater but it feels super intimate. Yeah. There's other ones that I'm sure you've done too where you're like,

you're just yelling into a light and you're like, what this sometimes it's big and deep but there but the beauty is when when you're humming right in theaters the noise is unmatched crazy yeah it's unmatched you know like I'm playing the Met in Philly and we played that as bad friends together yeah and it was I mean there's something about these big beautiful theaters that when it's moving the right way and everyone's on the same frequency. Yeah. Oh, buddy. I mean, I don't know.

I don't even know how to describe it. It's the greatest feeling I think a comic can have is when your rhythm is good and the jokes are sliding right into place. Yeah, you can't kind of get that. You can't get in a club because clubs are kind of so wild. Yeah. There's so much going on in a club. They're fucking eating and drinking and talking.

And they're a little distracted. Theaters, they're so focused. It's like there is no distraction in a theater. There's no check drop. There's no check drop. I think there is part of me that maybe just because I have done more clubs and theaters, that I kind of like the chaos.

Yeah, no, you do. Well, it also lends itself to you. That's what you do. You know, the people have seen your videos online. You really do like like the chaos. Yeah, no, you do. Well, it also lends itself to you. That's what you do. You know, the people have seen your videos online. You really do like that interactive chaos. I'm not, I don't, I want to do the, I'm gonna do the show. I just want to do the show.

I don't really want to get into the nitty gritty with them. And that's just a personality choice. It's just because when I was young, I think I was intrigued by it. And then I slowly just got away from it. But it was just my style. Yeah became very specific You know I'm saying yeah, yeah, your style has always kind of been that way so it caters to you perfectly It's almost like you can't wait to see you know a guy with a sideways nose. You're like

I can't wait to clip this guy Who put your head together You got a mirror at home? Break it. But you know what's crazy is like it's everything people see online with that they still let me they still let me do my act.

Which is so, which is Well they want to see you do it, yeah, they want to see it. Which is, I didn't know that was going to be a thing. I literally thought people were like, cool, crowd work hour and ten, which is, I didn't know that was going to be a thing. I literally thought people were going to be like, cool, crowd work, hour and 10, do it or I'll kill you. You give them the 15 and then they don't, then it's fine. Yeah, they pay the ticket because they want to see what you're doing. They know what you do in the short stints, but they want to see what's really going on.

It's almost like, yeah, I've had one of their sandwiches. I'd like to go try and, let's go see what's really going on. It's almost like, you know, yeah, I've had one of their sandwiches. I'd like to go try and, let's go see what they really do. Like, I wanna go see the whole restaurant. So, that's a good thing, and if the quality is there, then they really get a real show, and then they get a good show, you know? Let me ask you this, because you've done this. I mean, how many specials have you put out?

A couple. I did a half hour Comedy Central, I did one with Showtime, I did one with Netflix. So just two hours, and then the half hour. Yeah, so two and a half hour Comedy Central. I did one with Showtime and a one with Netflix. Yeah, so just Hours and then the half hour. Yeah, so two and a half hours Yeah, like so I just just with three months ago whatever film my first one and now I'm in the process of rebuilding Oh, yeah, well dude. I'm it's like every other show want to blow my head off. Mm-hmm like Yeah, that's never gonna. Okay. No, this is this this is, I was, I was, I was, I needed to ask, like, is this just what it is now? Yeah. You're gonna have a bunch of these existential crises, and also dude, we're also, I'm having midlife crisis. We're in the middle of our life, so it's also, your age is interesting, you know, I don't know whether or not you guys are planning on, if you have a future with woman And you guys want to have a family or get married or so and all that stuff is happening around this age

Yeah, so you're kind of questioning everything of your reality. So the stand-up part is like which should be the relief the pressure becomes more Because you really because you give a fuck and you've worked hard to get here Yeah, so you're never gonna you're that's never gonna escape you It's a good thing if you were content and we're like gonna, that's never gonna escape you. It's a good thing. If you were content and were like, who cares? That's concerning. Well then you don't give a fuck about it. And then it's kind of wasting your time. So yes, you should feel like I wanna jump off a roof,

this isn't worth it, nothing is funny and I'm the worst. Like the worst dude. If you don't feel that way, you're a phony. If you're real with yourself, you have to be looking at it and judging yourself harshly and continuing to get better and try and try, because otherwise you're just a washout. Then you're just another number who's not really dedicated. And by the way, there's plenty of people

who have been in our business for years that are mailing it in, phoning it in. Yeah, well. Which I have no idea how you do that. It seems sad from my perspective, because to me it's like, you're gonna get up there on stage and not try or not care and just bail out on everything. Like, give it a whirl, man.

I just feel like you should hate and love your stuff at the same time. You should be like, I'm really proud of this, but I also want to keep working and I can't rest on my laurels. I just want to improve, improve. If you look back at a special and you're like, it was perfect front to back. It's like, well, you're out of your mind. Out of back at a special and you're like, it was perfect, front to back. It's like, well, you're out of your mind. Out of your mind. Yeah, you're a lunatic. Yeah, I mean, because it's like that, that's, so that, that hour and whatever is gone.

And then I'm building for the- How much do you have now? For the next one, probably 40. That's good. But like, but, but, you know, 40, that's like, that's a, that, alright. Right. Not like, you know, probably 30 of it's like That's a day. All right, right not like, you know, probably 30 of its like this shit works and then the other you know, whatever 10 15 like this is okay This is does it this does it even the crowd goes? Literally do it. Yeah, okay, and then and then you're like and then you have this is a new thing for me, too That's why I'd love your take on this is like then all these people spend all this money There's all this pressure people. I love this guy saw him last year he

crushed but it up and you come out with the new stuff and then you feel like everybody's like how do you fucking deal with that dude you got to keep grinding at it okay that's it that there's no way time and work not alright work there's nothing else that's gonna fix it it's almost like honestly to bring it back to the outside of the stand-up world is like, in your relationship, you're gonna have troubles, and sometimes you feel like you're hitting the exact same wall. You're like, we already fought about this.

Yeah. What, didn't I fight about this with you like a month ago? Look, but if you don't keep pushing and trying to fix it, it only gets worse and worse. So you're like, I have to keep trying to make this good and right and what I like. Otherwise it's never gonna get good or go away. I feel like my favorite time is if I've worked a bit enough

and tried and gone through the shit and gone through the strife, after a certain amount of time, you either find it, you truly do go, I got it, I get it now, or you put it aside for a while, and for some reason it pops back up in the most beautiful way. What is this? I don't know. Sometimes, I think sometimes putting things down

and reflecting and changing your scope and your viewpoint, it somehow reinvigorates your brain to see it in another funny or a different or a better Deliverable way sometimes just a couple words sometimes like two words I mean yeah I mean it is it is it's insane how much if you just put some decide and you'll be like reminded of it just in a conversation right oh Shit, I did have that thing about scorpions and then and then all of a sudden it's in and they're like oh

It's it it works and it's awesome times It's just a position sometimes just like you had it in a minute eight and now it's in, and you're like, oh, it works. And it's just, oh, sometimes it's just a position. Sometimes it's just like, you had it in minute eight, and now it's minute 47, and it works because this thing connects to this, and then all of a sudden it works. Right. What is happening? Yeah, I think sometimes putting it away for a little while helps it grow, and then you get back to it and you appreciate it differently,

because you're like, I spent so much time with this fucking thing. Why didn't it work? And then once you step away, you come back, you go, right, it's because this didn't make sense there. They weren't hearing it the way I heard it in my head. And now if I put this word in front of it, people immediately go, right, this is more receivable. Like I have a joke, you know.

Say the whole thing. Yeah, I have a school shooting joke, and I recently changed the front half of it. And now I get it. Now I get it. Yeah. And now I get it. Now I get it. You know what I mean? Like before, it was funny, but now I'm like, oh, it's very funny.

Oh, I understand. Because the context of it makes more sense. I understand. And I was like, oh, they were just, I thought, this happens to me, I don't know if this happens to you with your girl, but like, sometimes I'll say some shit to her and then she'll go, what do you mean? I'm like, what do you mean, what do I mean?

And I say it it and she goes, I think you hear it in your head. You said something to yourself in your head and then you communicated the second half to me. I didn't hear the first half. And then I'm like, oh right, okay. So I give her context, then it makes more sense. Same way with jokes.

There's times where I'm like, I think they might understand it from my perspective, but they're not there yet. So you're like, no, no, no, you have to put the thing out. Then they get there, then they can see the, so I think that happens a lot, more often than not there yet. Yeah, so you're like no no you have to put the thing out then they get there Then they can see the so I think that happens a lot more often than not with comedy because you're like don't you see that? Yeah, like no. I don't know what the fuck you're talking. I always labels. I always go. They don't know where I am Yeah, they have no idea where I am yeah I'm like no the bowling ball right and like what the fuck are you talking? Yeah, tell us tell us

Yeah, I'll go think off the nose. It's like, no one was affected. Get to Mr. Potato Head already. Guy sucks. How long have you been together? I don't wanna pry about your relationship, but I'm interested, because I didn't know you had a lady. Yeah, yeah, about a year. It's good though.

And you moved in fast, huh? Yeah, yeah. And it's- That's good. I said, yeah, like I'm not at all. Like, this has been the first goal of my life, and maybe it's a product because of the position I'm in in my life where I feel super ready But this has been the first girl ever where were you know that like oh love at first sight thing I thought it was a crock of shit Disney blah blah blah. Yeah, buddy

I am telling you we met at the bar for the first time and she turned and looked at me and I was like well We met at the bar for the first time and she turned and looked at me and I was like, well, this might be it. Moving in. I mean, right then. Moving in, let's move in. Yeah, yeah. You guys get a Subaru.

What, the first date was a bar? Is that what you said? Yeah. Wow. Yeah, yeah. Not even a big drinker, you're like, let's go to a bar. I mean, the funny thing is when I was single, it's like, what else, where are you gonna,

you wanna go to the driving range? I mean- I talk to Fahim about that all the time because he's, you know, like, what else, where you gonna, you wanna go to the driving range? I mean, you- I talk to Fahim about that all the time, because he's, you know, like, Fahim is my oldest friend in comedy. Why, he's so funny. He's the best. God, he's so funny. And we talk about that all the time,

because I always say, like, where do you go? Because Fahim's not a big drinker at all. Yeah. So it's like, yeah, you kind of have to do a bar, or you have to, like, get super creative, or like, go to a place that already has an event that, like, lends itself to you being a part of something without having to really interact. Yeah.

You know, I was like, that's so much strategy involved. It's too much and if Fahim's doing that, hats off, I'm too late. I'm just like, fuck it, let's go to a bar. And I'll have a drink and I'm not opposed to it. It's still fun, but it's like if I would pick like a coffee and have that type of high versus like one drink and that high, I'm going coffee every day. I just, it just numbs me a bit and not in a good way. Are you a snob about coffee? No. In the morning you have to have a certain kind of...

So the only, not a certain, I have to have espresso. I'm a big like, you bring me drip coffee. It's, I won't, it's no. That's so funny. What is this? What is this? It's brown water. Bean water. It doesn't- Good old fashioned bean water. Hey, it doesn't do anything for me.

Like I have a sip and I feel weird. I don't feel caffeinated, I don't feel up on the road. Oh god. Good old drip coffee for me, baby. Really? I mean, I like it all. I'm a big cappuccino guy though. Love a cappuccino.

Do you have a maker at your house? Yeah, you have to. Yeah. Yeah, I got one of those. And we have an old school coffee machine. And I fucking make a pot of coffee every morning. Really? You have a maker at your... yeah, you have to. Yeah, I got one of those too. And we have an old school coffee machine. And I fucking make a pot of coffee every morning. Really? Yeah, I like it.

You go pot of coffee, if you have a cappuccino verse pot, you're going pot. Sometimes I'll have a cappuccino first thing in the morning, walk the dog, take a shit, read, blah blah blah, catch up on some stuff, then have coffee to go. Usually I have to grab the coffee on the way out. Okay. Is that your morning, what does your morning routine look like? Almost every day, it's the same thing. Wake up, take a shower, go out with the dog, or she takes the dog out. I'm sorry to pause you.

You take a shower, you wake up and take a shower? Right away. Have to. What did you do at night? Panic. Okay. I still lost six pounds in sweat. Really?

Are you a sweat guy? I shower first thing in the morning. I have to. Why? I just something about it starts my day. It's like the engine goes, you know, because my whole life as a kid is like you wake up, get a shower, go to school, wake up, get in the shower, go to class, wake up, take a shower, go to work.

So like I lived, that was, that just was pre-programmed. Okay. Okay. I think it's because my parents were like that. Like my mom, you wake up, you go take a shower. That's so, yeah, that's so, it wakes me up. It truly is, it's like my favorite way to like, okay, now I'm alive. Are you a cold shower guy at the end?

I'm a cold shower guy, period. I know that sounds insane, but yeah. I don't take hot showers, really. I mean, in the winter, but it doesn't get that cold here. Cold, the, oh, no. Yeah, I yeah I take cold showers okay they're not freezing cold right but it's not I don't I don't super hot water I save that for the hot tub hmm hot tubs yes relaxation yeah but that's to zone out I want to wake up so hit me with a little bit of room temp water maybe a little bit colder sometimes to really you know

shiver me timbers well that that that makes sense to me that that's the wake up in my head You're taking showers like me which is like these long no hot things no well, okay I'm in and out of the shower in five minutes max. Yeah, I mean you can't you'll die if you go It's too cold hypothermia. Yeah, dad no I honestly I don't understand long showers like I think it's the weird What do you do? What are you doing in there? Well yours yours are cold? That's why but I mean what are you doing the hot water you standing there? Yeah thinking think dude the amount of bits and the amount of like a failed suicide attempts

No, the amount of just like the amount of like yeah, just like oh dude It's I just so many at your collection time. Yes, sir. My collection time is Long walk. Mm-hmm. That was my Native American name, long walk. I would take long, I just like to take long ass fuckin' walk. And that is really when I mentally vomit. Like my wife and I would take long walks and we'll talk about anything and nothing at all. And then a lot of times that's where my brain starts going, hey, and then I'll just puke out all this wild shit.

And then I just write it down on my phone about conversations that we had, because a lot of times my most creative moments are when we're talking out life, or talking about whatever. And then usually that'll fuel something in my head to go, oh, I remember I had a joke about that, or something about that popped into my mind.

But long walks for some reason, they jolt me in a way. Yeah, but I check out the shower, checked out at the gym, I'm not even there. You could have a full conversation with me in the gym, I won't remember a word we said. I don't know how people, people say to me they get like creative in the gym. There's no fucking way.

Nothing's in there. I'm so empty headed when I'm in there. I'm literally thinking about the song or the sports center that I'm watching and it's mindless nothingness going in and out of my head. Oh dude, I'll listen to a podcast and have zero idea what is even happening. What did I even hear?

Nothing. Yeah, I'll do those education podcasts and by the end of it she'll be like, what was it about? And I'm like, the fucking, I think it, Yellowstone? I think it was, yeah, National Park. Like I won't know. Was it, do you absorb from it? You feel, no. I'm full. The sponge is full, dude. I like I won't know was it do you do you absorb in for me?

You feel no, I'm full the sponge is full did I got no more room? You strike me as someone who like can like can Regurgitate grab it. Yes, I'll grab bullshit and I'll give you some weird facts great, but it's not it doesn't stay up there never No, I'm gonna read or no. No, I just nothing stays in there. I don't know what's going on I don't know what it's never never I just I could watch a document Nothing. Yeah, nothing and I think it means I'm stupid. Yes. I think I think it has to write No way. No, I just think we're full. I think once the sponge is full. It's full

I think there's no you know, you'd have to get rid of a lot to let more in yeah, and I'm out I don't, you know, you'd have to get rid of a lot to let more in. Yeah. And I'm out. I don't, you know, like I saw on a clip that someone put up of my show of me talking to Sam Morell about how many cigarettes are smoked in a day. And it was a fact. I learned that it was, I think 14 billion or something like that or whatever. And yeah, that was the whole reason it was a big stun. Yeah. Too many. But I only remembered that we had that conversation because I saw it on a clip on a podcast. Well, this is not this like this will go into the ether ether. a podcast. Well, this is not, this like- This will go into the ether.

Ether, like every single podcast I'm not shitting you, I've ever done in my life. Don't remember. It's like the stream of consciousness, we're having a good time, I'm having a great time right now, but I get all, you ever like finish Bad Friends or even finish the podcast and you sit with your producers and you're like, what's the title gonna be?

And you go, cool, what the fuck did I even talk about? Yeah. I have no idea. Well, we let them pick it, that's why, because I'm just like, you say whatever it is. Oh yeah, yeah. Whatever phrase stuck out, you go, cool, what the fuck did I even talk about? Yeah. I have no idea. We let them pick it, that's what, cause I'm just like, you say whatever it is. Oh yeah, yeah. Whatever phrase stuck out, they go, we'll take it from here.

We get it from here, yeah. Yeah, we'll take over. Where do we go when we die, Bob Stein? I think, just gone. Nothingness. Nothingness. Here's the thing, I wish, I hope that it's this, the soul leaves your body and the soul goes Here's the thing, I wish, I hope that it's this,

the soul leaves your body and the soul goes to a beautiful place and your grandparents are there and maybe you're reincarnated into a butterfly and all that kind of cool, I hope, I pray it's cool, I pray. If you were reincarnated, don't you think you'd wanna be a bigger animal than a butterfly? As small of a man as you are now? Yeah, but a new butterfly. Anything in the afterlife you'd want to be a bigger animal than a butterfly? As small of a man as you are now. Yeah, but I think in the afterlife, you'd want to be like an elk or something?

Yeah, but I, you know, that's a good point. But I feel like I am kind of a butterfly in life. I feel like this little thing. I know, you already did it. You don't want to live that twice. Get something else, dude. Cool, cool, yeah, yeah. Be something else.

Like a tiger? Yeah. What would you be? I cut you off though, what do you really think it is? I, I, I, I, it's, I just. Do you think ultimate nothingness? Done. Yeah, blackness, right? I get this, I get this. And off though, what do you really think it is? I...I...I...I...I... Do you think ultimate nothingness? Yeah, blackness, right. I get this. And it sucks, it sucks, and I don't wanna be... But if I was like, if someone was like, gun to my head,

what do you believe, or if you're, you know, bet your mom's life or whatever? Nothingness. Wow. And maybe that's why I'm like, Russia, press the button, cause it doesn't matter. Let's go, pootie. Yeah. Have you ever had a dream where you're swimming? Mmm. You ever been swimming in a dream?

I want to say probably, but nothing comes to my head that... Flying or floating or any of that in a dream? Flying for sure. Okay. That's what I think I am. That's what I think the death afterlife is. Flying, floating, swimming. Flying like a butterfly?

Something free and light. No, no, but I'm not in a... I'm not in a... I'm not in a, I'm not in a nameable form. I'm not in like a form. It's like you're an entity. You're just an energy flying all the time. Do you have a purpose? No, but do we anyway? I try, I mean I don't think we have anything here. Really? I think our purpose here is to enjoy the gift that is you're here. Um, enjoy the gift that is you're here. Be cool. And uh, try to give. Do you give?

I give. In what? I'm asking because I'm, this is for me. I like charity. I like doing things. Okay. I like to do things for other people. People may not know.

Yeah. Uh, but I, I enjoy that. I think that feels good to do, you know what I mean? Simple stuff, small stuff throughout the day, or the week, I mean. But I do like to give. I like to give to charities. Yeah, because fucking, you know.

I don't know, I feel like a purpose in life, a purpose in life definitely is to help others in some way. Whatever it is, it doesn't have to be monetary, but I think you're supposed to help people. I don't, in whatever way works for you, but I think it's cool. I don't know, I like to help people out in whatever tiny way I can.

Yeah, I think my parents definitely shoved that in my brain too. I tried in any capacity to help people in not a monetary way, but my next question to you, just because, and I know I keep phrasing shit like this, but just because I feel like you're whatever ahead of me, so you've lived this part of your career and I haven't, so I'm very fascinated on how you handled it,

because obviously you did it well, or right. But how, you have nothing, and when I say you, I mean me, you have nothing, and then all of a sudden you have too much, and then you're like, I don't know what I'm I feel like I'm supposed to be doing something But I don't know what the fuck I'm so like yeah saving money wealth manager, but but look what do you like in terms of charity? Was there a moment you go? I need to I have excess let me let me just let me give was there a moment And how did you handle that no? I think I think like and I don't, it's not like I'm, you know, loaded to the gills. I just have enough that I think I can, if I can give a little bit of money here and there to

charities or to things that I care about, it works. Yeah. But I don't think there was a moment, I don't think there was like a, you know, I don't know, I think my parents were pretty ingrained in like doing stuff. Yeah. And like you should. And that's a good thing to do. You know, my mom, and again, this doesn't have to, I think people think about it, they're like giving away tens of thousands of dollars. Yeah. No, but like my mom, there's a thing in Chicago, or there was a thing called

Streetwise, I don't know if it's still there. But it's a- Why do I know that? Homeless people would go, it's a paper, but they would go to the Trib, they would buy this newspaper, and they would sell it for, they'd buy it from the Trib for a dollar, I think they'd sell it for two, so they'd get to keep a buck on every paper they sold or something like that. And my mom would buy one every single time she saw one selling, some homeless guy selling streetwise. And she wouldn't take the paper, she's like, I don't need the paper, but I'll just give you the dollar cuz you're hustling you're

working got it I think shit like that moves the universe I think small shit moves the world in a way that I think a million people doing those things way more important than one dude giving 50 grand to some charity now please give 50 grand to children's charity cancer charities if you if you have it I'm just saying I think more people doing small things is bigger than people know. 100%. Tiny shit, dude.

Crazy tiny shit that you can do. Yeah. I just think it's, it would make all of us a little bit easier. And it doesn't have to cost a lot of money. It doesn't have to be detrimental to your time or your whatever. Yeah. But I don't know. There's something about it that I think,

maybe I'm getting older and I feel it more. No, dude, I think you're totally right. It's like the word of mouth thing it's like one person finds this comic funny one person finds this show funny all of a sudden that word of mouth is the most powerful thing in the world so I think it's like this internal word of mouth where someone does something nice for you and maybe you are not thinking about it consciously but subconsciously you're like oh that's the way I'm that I have to repay that in some weird way

yeah and it's like even this, there was like two like young people in front of me at 7-Eleven and they were like scrounging around, they didn't have enough money. It was like, you know, six bucks or something, they didn't have enough money. And I was like, oh, I'll just get it, no worries. And they were like, really?

I was like, yeah. And it's like, it's six bucks, whatever it was, right? And, but that I feel like, and I didn't do it like, oh, I hope they pay it forward or whatever, but I think they probably will. Yeah, in some way. And it's just a bunch of that stuff. like, oh, I hope they pay it forward or whatever, but I think they probably will. Yeah, in some way. And it's just a bunch of that stuff. Right, yeah, I think more of that shit

is how you get into a place of like, moving us in a better direction. So going backwards, what is our purpose? I think it's to fucking enjoy it, have some fun, and see if you can help out your community or people around you or people in your small little inner circle, doesn't have to be fucking huge. Then I think the world is a better place.

Now, push the button still. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, let's get out of here. We don't need to be here. We literally don't need to be here. I'm so sick of this. Push the button, dude. I mean, what is this?

Push it, dude. Push it. Let me ask you this. Imagine if right now as we're doing this pod. Good, I like you a lot. This would be fine. Gone. Gone. Gone. When you look at, this is a wild question, but I think it's pertained, it's pertained to like the whole like-

Is this Friends socks, by the way? It is. Friends. Yeah. So no one told you life was gonna be that way. Lift it up a little bit, let me see. Yeah. Wow.

Hate? Love? I never saw one episode of Friends. Really? Never. Think you'd really like it? No? I don't know. Okay. I never saw one episode of friends. Really never you'd really like it No, I don't know. I it never got me the look of it never got me It just felt like a show where I didn't see anybody that I was understand. I was like, I don't know. What is that? They all hang out Okay, I don't know Nothing in it. What nothing roped me in the way that like Seinfeld

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, cuz it was situational comedy. So when you were kid, where were you at with? What would you would you watch like say by the bell type stuff? I mean I watched yeah, I watched a Fresh Prince was one of my favorites. Yeah, I watched probably every episode of French, but yeah Say about kind of no, not really. Okay. I don't think so. I think Martin, I loved Martin. Martin, he's the man. What up? Kids have no... So many kids have listened and are like, what the fuck is this?

Yeah, Martin Show was so good. So good. And I think I liked it so much because he played all those characters. Like Shaday Day. Yeah. And I just was like, you can do that. You can be a comedian, actor, and like do do all these different voices and characters? I thought that was fucking amazing. Do you know, I was so young and I didn't realize till episode, or episode, till season whatever, that it was him.

Oh, it was just so funny. Well, I know, I didn't come from entertainment, I had no idea. I didn't know how things worked. So I was like, and I was like, cool, I guess there's other characters. I didn't know that you could like, you you know and especially when they're on the same scenes right how the fuck it was magic to me I was the man and he just that that was the magic of like TV network TV that just had I don't know it had something about it that was so free and loose and stupid and careless yeah like

it wasn't really trying to say give you a message no even if it was a little baby message in there it was kind of like harmless bullshit. Yeah, so it's cuz it was all about like the the characters Or if they were trying to do a message they hit you over the foot like the house thing the cue the music like oh Yeah, yeah. Yeah. What are these pills? Yeah. Yeah. That's the other one. I watch was Full house. No, no, no. Oh, sorry Married with children. I love oh we I couldn't Children, I loved. Oh, I couldn't see it. My mother hated it. Dude, couldn't see it.

We had to turn it down to like volume two to watch it. If she came in, Simpsons or that? Simpsons was totally fine. My mom just was like not into... I still watched it, but she thought it was... That's trash. That's what she said. That's trash television.

It kind of was. Yeah, but it was fucking amazing. It was so funny. And Roseanne. I liked Roseanne a lot as a kid too. Because that was like a Chicago family. It felt like people I knew. Oh shit, yeah. Yeah, I was like, I know these people.

These are my... I know who this is. This is like my neighbors, you know what I mean? They won the lottery and it all fucking went to shit. Right, that was the end all be all, right? God damn it. Can't win the lottery. No, you can't. The whole reason people like them is because they have nothing.

That's why they're funny. That's the same thing as every one of those shows from that from the earlier eras of television is You know the Jeffersons and like you like these show the upstairs downstairs of it all like you like the haven't have nots Haves are hard to watch. That's why I think friends was tough for me. There were haves. They weren't have nots They were all haves. Yeah, they lived in like 5,000 square foot apartment. What was that? Well, I always saw that on TV as a kid and was like, What the fuck? I didn't understand real estate. You guys live in a house in New York?

I didn't understand real estate. What the fuck? I didn't understand real estate, so I had no idea. When they brought that up later, I was like, Oh, that makes total sense. You go to New York once and you're like, This apartment would have been like a hundred grand a month. I mean, minimum, dude.

I lived in Harlem for like seven years. Yeah. Oh, you did? Oh, yeah. Where were you? What were your streets? How far? 129th and Amsterdam. 129th. But I- You're ten blocks away from Big L, 139, the danger years. Yeah. Oh, you did? Oh, yeah. Where were you? What were your streets? How far?

129th and Amsterdam. 129th. You're 10 blocks away from Big L. 139, the danger zone. Yeah, be careful. Do you know about that Big L? One of the greatest of all time. You don't know Big L?

No. He was great. Killed before his time. 139, that was Big L. 139, the danger zone. 129, though, you're up there. 129 was up there. They did the rank control, though.

So it was sweet. Oh, that's nice. Oh! Did you have any family in New York that like had done that thing? We always hear these stories when someone's like, dude, my aunt had a building in New York when we were, or like had a, did any family live in New York when you were a kid?

No, well, so my grandma and my dad are from Brooklyn. Right. But they got rid of their apartments. They got rid of their apartments. They got rid of their, yeah. So I had none of that, I had none of that. But we have like family lore where it's like, you know, great uncle blah blah blah

was offered a city block in the meat packing, but it was a meat packing so he didn't give a fuck. And I'm like, you son of a bitch. Idiot. You son of a bitch. Idiot. I mean a full block, a full block. They were like, nah, I don't want it you idiots not for me furious Was flashing my head Martin. Do you remember the you remember the couch the green the blue the blue couch the green couch

What do you mean in Martin the show on the show going way back? Sorry? Yeah, my brain the couch. Yeah, I remember I was so We like a horny kid. I Was I just I'll get to my brain. The couch, yeah. I remember I was so, were you like a horny kid? I was, I just, I'll get to my point. Yeah, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just full of, I think I was more than most. Sure. Like, I don't know, like- It sounds like it. Uncomfortably horny. Like I was- You was jerking off all the time?

Oh, buddy. Like it was just, it was, it like hurt I was so horny. Right. But the reason I'm bringing all that up and the couch buddy, like it was just, it was, it like hurt I was so horny. But the reason I'm bringing all that up and the couch was, this is how horny it was, I remember watching that couch being like, I wanna like, I wanna fuck the, like it looked so smooth, swear to God.

You love the couch. Dude, I don't know what it was. Couches got you off. That couch did. Wow. It just because I would fuck my couch. Oh you would? As a young kid, so I looked at that one and I was like, fuck man. Cause that one was like a leather.

So you used to fuck your couch. Did you cum on the couch? Oh yeah. Oh my god. What do you do? Just cum in like cum in. Do you clean it up? No. You leave it. I'm a big not clean up my cum guy.

Hmm. Still to this day. It's not great. I'm not, I'm not an advocate for it. Where is it? Pfft. It's everywhere. Yeah. It's on all your stuff. It's on it. Where is it? It's everywhere. Yeah. It's on all your stuff. It's on a lot of my stuff, on the ground a lot.

It's on the ground? Yeah. Jesus. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Now that you have a live-in girlfriend, though, this has all changed. Well, no. I try to clean it up. Before I had a live-in anyone, I wouldn't clean it up. Oh my God.

Yeah. That's embarrassing. We, you know what? As a mid to late thirties man? Yeah. That's embarrassing. We, you know what, as a mid to late 30s man, yeah, if, we gotta cut that out, buddy. I think it's troubling that I don't care. Yeah. Yeah. But you don't. I don't, yeah, no, no part of me cares. Did she say something about it? Uh, me coming to the ground? Or me? Anywhere. It's all over the place, I guess, right? When she first saw it? My department, I just moved in, I've only been

there for like, you know, seven, eight months. Oh, you got a new one together. We well I got a new one then she moved in but but Careful now careful how you say that it's your apartment Our apartment, our apartment. Thank you so much edit that in out whatever But but now but now I'll clean it up But before I lived in another place that I had all all hardwood and I just oh my god dude I brought this up on stiff socks every Wednesday, whichever walls, and I brought it up so like, I thought it was not normal,

but I didn't think it was so wild. I had like this office space in my apartment and I would just come on the ground. Like just what I've always done my whole life, just come on the ground. And you'd walk out, you'd just leave it? And walk out. Wow. And dude, it got to a point where like, you'd just leave it? Walk out. Wow.

And dude, it got to a point where like, It's terrible. It's not great. No. And it would obviously dry, and then it got so much that it got like, Arms and legs? Yeah.

I have a lot of babies. It became slimer. Yeah. It became a baby at some point. You're not enough in a pile on a wood floor, it'll just become a baby at some point. It becomes like a bird house. And it was like black and dark, and so I'm like, I gotta clean this up.

So I went down there with like 409 and some paper towels, and it was not coming up. I mean, we're talking about years have come. So then I take a butter knife, and I'm scraping it off the ground. I'm not gonna eat at your house. You shouldn't. No. And that's the moment where I go, oh yeah, this is not, this is, I need to change my ways. And so I brought it on the podcast and they were like, hold on, you come in on the ground. It was this massive upheaval. Yeah.

And I was like, where do you, like, where do you come? In anything but the ground. Like, where? Where do you come in anything but the ground? Like where where do you put it? All over the outside in a piece of clothing that's gonna go on the wash So to use it to clean it up or you come on the piece of clothing Well, it depends on what I'm up to but if I'm just jerking off. Yeah into a piece of clothing or Something nearby Kleenex How it doesn't like hinder it for you? Or on our or on myself. Yeah, I've been doing that recently. It's it's fun

Yeah, it's fun. It's me. Yeah, and I like me. I like the warmth. I'm not gonna lie It's like it's almost like picking a booger. Yeah, picking a booger flicking it. You know, I mean, it's me. It's fine So I can't believe you never tasted it. No, good God. No, you know, you're not curious I've ate my shit twice. There you go You think I'd learn the first time? God this tastes terrible. What the fuck? Why would I do this twice? Why would I even do this? No Bobby and I had this conversation. No, never no chance. Okay No way, but the socks thing the stiff socks podcast with Trevor Wallace every Wednesday. Yeah, was that birthed out of

You guys talking about when you were kids and that was a thing. Did you do Stiff Sox it when you were a teenager? No. You never did that? Did he do that? No. When we named the podcast, we didn't even know... It was just like a sophomore name. We didn't think that we were like, oh, and we'll talk about it. It was... and we both have never done it. Wow. I don't... I did it one time in high school, high school and then I was like well my mom's gonna know It's a good idea it kind of is it feel bad. I feel weird because she would do my laundry sometimes Yeah, not all the time. In fact at some point

I always did my laundry like I see she didn't do it when I became a young man It was like you do your own shit. Yeah, how old were you? Cuz I used to do my laundry all the time I probably started doing it on my own when I was like or if I was lucky I could throw it in with my dad's You know what I mean? Yeah, that was always nice because my dad did laundry a lot. He would you he He was a kid. He's a clean dude. I think he's cuz he was like a Military kid like his dad was so they was just all everything was like the shoes don't go there Do you know what I mean by that? Okay, shoes don't go right there

Wherever things go in their place. Yeah, that should be put away. That's how everything felt around my house I've become that well, I've always been this guy. Yeah, see my car has nothing in it Yeah, none of my cars have anything in it also because my dad was like don't leave shit in your car They'll steal it then sure enough. I had a Hyundai Sonata broke it They broke him my when I first moved out here They broke into my car and stole a CD book a book of CDs. Well, that's all they took from me That's it. Yeah, and it cost me a ton of money to get the window fixed. I was like, dude, just steal the car Don't steal a book of CDs. I mean, maybe that's how shitty your car was

You know what that Sonata was right, bro that Hyundai Sonata I met you when you had that Subaru and I was jealous as fuck all the WRX dude. Yeah, I oh I remember you love it. I was like the sound of it, dude. I loved it. That was a fun toy That's Subaru was great. I love my favorite cars the WRX I I remember signing for that and I had a couple of couple of nickels and I was scared about the payments Yeah, I was like it wasn't I mean by no means was it like a fancy expensive car, but it wasn't dirt cheap. And I only had dirt cheap.

So I was like, damn dude, am I gonna be able to make this? And I think at the time, I gotta be, I'm almost positive it was like $2.35 a month. That number sounds right to me. And I was like, am I gonna be able to make $2.35 a month? Am I gonna make that? I was so scared. I was like, I don't know if I'm gonna be able to do it.

Because it was, you know, we weren't making any money working on the show. Zero. But I was like getting by enough where I was like, I think I can, I think between insurance and that, I was like, I could do it. I think I could do it. And I fucking treated that car so well.

I babied that thing because it was like my precious little toy. Yeah. And then I got hit twice. No. Yeah, dude. What? Yeah, some PA hit it at Punk'd.

Some PA hit it. People hit it twice. I got hit twice on that thing. Like, and you fixed it or you're like, ugh, whatever? The insurance. I got hit. I got hit both times so it was like insurance paid for both of them. What's wrong with insurance when you get hit and you owe more? I know, dude. It's all a scam.

Can we fix that? That's why I say push the button. Push the button. Like I give you money and then I pay more money if it's not my fault. What's happening? Yeah, why? Why? What's happening?

We should just light our cars on fire. Why don't you get in an accident, light it on fire and just be like, we'll figure it out. We'll figure it out later. Let's walk. Let's all do whammo and fuck cars. I'm in for the whammo. But Michael, everyone's gonna lose their job.

Who cares? Who cares? We have 17 more years. It's over. It doesn't matter. Yeah, let's- We're all gonna get diseased. Have fun. Yeah. Have fun, we're dying. What do you do for fun? You're a big golf guy.

White guy stuff, yeah. I like to golf and hike. You play tennis? Ah. I used to like it. Okay. I definitely won't play pickleball, I'll tell you that. No. Never gonna happen. I don't even know why, but no. No, it just doesn't look like it. Okay. I definitely won't play pickleball. I'll tell you that no never gonna happen I don't even I don't even know why but no no it just doesn't look like it's for me

Tennis is the bigger pickleball that I like I'll do that one tennis. You're an athlete pickleball I like to I like winter sports. Oh love to give me a little snowboarding going on in the winter Really? I would have never guessed that in my entire life. Yeah, is that it's like a childhood thing or no new thing Late 20s. Really? Yeah, started it. And then, you know, we go every year. At least one spot a year if we can if I'm not working. Are you good? Yeah, okay. Yeah, good enough. So bad. I can't do anything winter. Really? Nothing. Well, Jewish. Yeah. Yeah. That'll do it. That's the thing.

Yeah, I'm too busy buying real estate. No, I... I'm opening up too many banks. Hey! No, but the schedule hasn't permitted it so much. That's the problem. What are you for fun? What are you for fun?

What's fun? That's a great question. I'm off a standup. Golf and then tennis, but those are the only two things and I need to do both more. Are you good at? Either? Tennis, good. Golf you good at either tennis good?

Golf good about probably about the same level. Oh really? Yeah. Yeah, what do you shoot when you play golf? If I'm playing consistently probably I'm probably like a 12 handicap 10 any caps or nothing. Nothing pretty good. It's fine That's not bad at all. It's fine. Yeah. Yeah, but you're you're you're a guy. I'm pretty good. I like golf That's like the thing. I like the mom. Yeah, Although I got shook the other day. Nobody took me hard. No. Yeah, man. He shot 66. I wasn't going to beat him. Dude, huh? Like, handicap? 66?

Shot 66. His handicap is like a... He's a scratch. He might be a... After he posts that, he might be hovering on a plus. He might be plus one. Where are you at? Are you scratch or...? I'm a four index. So I'm probably like a six at most places Dude, I was a three for a while even got done like a two six But the golf is like that it goes up and down and up and down

I could be back down like a 1-8 was with my low But I'm a four so a four is an index for people that don't know people don't care And then I'm probably a six handicap at most courses. Index is how we judge handicaps through the app. But yeah, some courses I probably am a four or five if they're easier courses. But if they're long and hard and I'm playing from the tips. I just played in Hawaii from the Nicholas tips at this course and my God, it was so hard. I squeaked out of 79 and it was a

Nightmare really it was so hard man. Is it only what what you're just length It was just like every par 5 was 600 yards now. We talk I can't begin to know yeah It was so far now see when we're doing that I'm moving up. Yeah, no you can't move up I mean you can't but you know no no, but I don't ever play the tips the tips is a fool's endeavor You don't need to I'm not a pro yeah 270 are par-3 what's happening I know what no no we don't if I if I'm taking a fucking three wood on a part it's we're moving yeah we got I'm not doing this I'm gonna go up to the junior tees yeah like did you do sometimes I've done that before I played

from the junior tees the ones that start in the fairway and see how low I can shoot and it's actually just as hard as you'd think just because you're so you're not used to that positioning yeah right so that number is so different than anything you're used to. You're used to always driver then approach. This is like a driver slash approach. You're like, how do I figure out which one of these is more efficient? Well, do my buddy want to play a par three course, whatever, months ago? And I was like, I don't know, what's, I didn't, it took me a second to get used to it, because the yardages

were weird to me. Well, because it is strange. You're not playing that many par threes ever in a row. Yeah. On a course regularly, play two or three maybe, you know? Yeah. So it's like, yeah, you're not used to me. Well, because it is strange. You're not playing that many par threes ever in a row. Yeah. On a course regularly play two or three maybe, you know? Yeah. So it's like, yeah, you're not used to them. No. So it just, it throws you for a loop. I didn't, I didn't like it. We'll have to go. I want to go, I want to see how you swing. Let's go. I want to watch you get, watch you get in there. Oh, let's go. Dude, my swing is a, is an, like I'm literally getting lessons for, like just,

just for my life, because I, and maybe you too, if I don't do something well or I deem well, I am a nutcase. Yeah, I get frustrated. I can't, but I'm like, I get back in the car, I'm like, I'm not a professional, why? Anything, yeah. Why? Yeah.

I mean, I need to get, I mean, I'm going to therapy, I need to get more. It's good to speak it out to somebody, but golf is a big strain. The game is so hard. Golf is so hard, dude. I've played with pro golfers, and you watch them kind of do okay.

Really? Yeah, and you're like, this is wild. It's such a hard game. It's so fucking hard. How long have you been playing for? A while, yeah? I mean, I learned when I was young, but I never really played.

I mean, we weren't country club people. So like I played Munies sometimes if I could, or or like nine holes played a lot of like nine hole courses You know like just little knockarounds then in my 30s. I like to say ten years in my 30s I started to play golf right because I could afford to go and play a course and pay for a round of golf Because in my 20s, I couldn't I didn't fucking money so like Once in a while I'd play but in my 30s. I started to play golf I could finally I was blessed enough to like afford to go to play golf.

How often do you play? A week? Oh dude, I wish I played multiple, lately it's once a week if I could. Really? I don't know why in my head you play way more than that. I wish dude, I have so much bullshit going on. I mean.

Like good bullshit, yeah? Yeah, it's great career stuff, but it's like, I'm always, we're always doing shit. So it's like, I don't know, some days it's like, I wish I could sneak it in, but I have too many things on my plate I came from a meeting before this and we have another thing and then another podcast and then it's like it never ends We're gonna die like this. Well, I good good

What I when I when I get stressed about schedule shit, I take a moment. I go. Alright, man when Before punked I would wake up and have nothing to do This is better. Oh, way better. Oh my God, this is better. Yeah, it's way better. No, I'm very appreciative. But more than anything.

Yeah? Press the button. Push the button. I'm out. Yeah, let's go. We're gonna keep doing, I'm gonna put on my pants one more time, I'll brush my teeth one more time.

Dude, every morning I have a half a coffee, like my brain's like, have a coffee, every fucking morning. I know, it is my favorite part of my day is I was petting my dog and having coffee Oh coffee and the first time the poop goes hey hey we got to do something. I'm coming. Oh You know on your phone scrolling shit, and dude the scroll shit the scroll shit. I've said this before I need to ask you this Do you I put a poll up on Instagram?

Do you shit the moment you're done drinking a cup of coffee, in the middle of drinking your coffee, or before you have your coffee? Usually the middle. While you're, okay, this is interesting. See me, when it's over, then my body goes, we're good, let's go. There are moments where I will take two sips. Oh, that's funny, yeah, somebody said that online,

they go, dude, when I smell it, I have to shit. What is that? But it's like, yeah, I mean, it's like Pavlov's dog. It's Pavlovian, your brain goes, remember, we poop now? That's the, yeah, somebody said that online, they go, dude, when I smell it, I have to shit. What is that? But it's like, yeah, I mean, it's like Pavlov's dog. That's Pavlovian, your brain goes, remember? We poop now? That's the best, though. I was on vacation with a buddy, he didn't poop for four, five days, four or five days.

No. I was getting, we were getting worried, and we kept giving, we were like, just coffee, smoke a cigarette, like, do anything to shake up your body so it thinks something else is going on, nothing worked. He actually got a little concerned. By like the fifth day, we all were like, you need to see a doctor? Five days is crazy. Five days is crazy. I have no idea. I mean if I go a day and a half it's like a, it's

a problem. If I missed a whole day I'm concerned. Calling somebody. Yeah I go, did I not shit yesterday? Yeah. But it's usually if I'm traveling. When I go overseas and stuff like that. Oh that's a, what is that? Yeah your body's like, we don't know how to poop anymore. Dude I'm going to the UK and I'm like, I'm not gonna poop the whole time I'm there. Can't, you can't. What is that? Is it the food of the-

Your butthole goes over water and it's like- It just loses itself. It's like, we're not gonna work anymore. My butthole's taking a vacation too, that's what it is. You want a vacation, you're asshole. It's like, I'm done working for a little while. But when I, if I am about to do a show and I don't have to end, I don't shit, I'm like, there's something wrong.

Yeah, you should before shows. I have to. Yeah, your body's supposed to let you know. Dude, I have told my videographer to tell the opener to go, like, more, go longer. Yeah. Because I have to hear this out. It's a problem.

Do you shit every single time before you, I mean, not spots, but like. Every time. Yeah. Yeah, every time I'm on the road. Well, that's like a ritual. But I also have a cup of coffee before I do go on stage yeah yeah I have I do I do dinner and coffee after dinner before I go on stage usually how often

what's what's the do you eat give a specific time to eat before the show or you just all over not always it always depends sometimes we do late night eats but a lot of times on the road shit isn't open so you're subject to eating bullshit yeah the shows and you're like I should have just eaten before and gotten a good meal and eat Early dinner to me is always my favorite. Yeah, I eat like a five o'clock dinner It's the best the best the best I get why old people do it God dude do five o'clock is perfect, but I don't ever do it. Oh, I love on the road I do it on the road. I do it cuz then I have a show at seven or whatever it is

Yeah, I gotta do it more you do the early dinner the five o'clock in the five o'clock like good dinner Yes, the lights still out. It's nice. I can see the food old people figured is. Yeah, I gotta do it more. You do the early dinner the five o'clock in the five o'clock like good dinner Yes, the lights still out. It's nice. I can see the food old people figured out. Yeah, dude They fucking figure we think they're like, oh no, they they they're 87. They get it. They did it They done did it they don't do it. You're on the road right now If you want to tell some of these people looking in these cameras what some of these dates are Tell them holler at him. Oh, yeah,, we're gonna do, we got Miami coming up, we got a whole UK thing coming up, we got a... Is it you and, you and, do you and Trevor ever go together?

So we're putting together something right now. Cool. For the first time ever. Smart. But everything I just... Right now solo. Right now all solo. What's your website?

Blaucomedy.com. Blaucomedy.com. Blaucomedy.com. We'll put it down in the description down below. I appreciate you coming on the show. We end the show the same way. You look into that camera right there and you say one word or one phrase to end the episode.

It'll be cemented in history as the most important phrase on earth from this episode. So when you're ready, go ahead. Jiminy Cricket for President. You don't want to say press the button? Press the button. Thatta boy. In here we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You are that creature in the ginger beard.

Sturdy and ginger. Like that man, the ginger gene is a curse. Ginger's a pugilist. You owe me five dollars for the whiskey and seventy five dollars for the horse. Ginger's a hell no. This whiskey is a piece of cake. Ginger's a piece of cake me five dollars for the whiskey and seventy-five dollars for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent.

Ginger. I like gingers. you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you