Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Mike Falzone

Episode Date: December 7, 2018

Santino chats with Mike Falzone about kidney stones, prison Bitches and showering with your dad. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I don't know why you're chewing fucking gum on my podcast. I think that's real rude. I won't you I'll just cheek it in here we pour $75 for the whore. Gingers, oh, hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers. Ladies and gentlemen, my guest today is the wonderful, beautiful Mike Falzone. Mike Falzone. Thank you so much. One of my favorite people in the world.

Mike, I say that for all my guests, so don't take that personal. Okay. I'm going to tell other people you said that. Don't tell anybody. Don't tell anybody because I don't like you that much. Cheers. Welcome to Whiskey Ginger. Mike. Thank you so much for having me um so cool to be one of your first choices for this podcast you were my last choice you weren't even a choice i hate you i don't even know who you are well

this is nice you got a nice is this going good yeah it feels good um no i love Mike very much. Mike, this is supposed to be fun. Let's set the mood by just saying it. Mike and I know each other through the internet world. Mike, I'll explain for you because they don't need you to talk. Mike is a YouTube personality, a digital content creator, a a writer a lover a husband and I just thought I'll say it sounded good you say it what it and a lizard and actually a lizard thank you he's part of the new lizard conspiracy no Mike Falzone Tripoli talks about me all the time now you're a lizard boy no well

yes well he is you're a lizard boy Mike is um a buddy of mine we met years ago when i was doing youtube videos we know the same people he's grew up in a town in connecticut yes in connecticut um and uh we became buds and then you came down to irvine with me and you opened for me yeah thank you very much i forgot to thank you for that yeah you never did and you brought your fucking wife and didn't thank me for letting your wife parade around in the green room. You know what she did? You told me she had to. You know what she did?

She did have to be in there. I said your wife has to be in here. You know what she did? What did she do? The whole time she was in the green room? Wow. Eat chicken fingers. No, she didn't eat chicken fingers.

She was talking shit about you while you were on stage. She seems like... I had an inkling that for the whole time she would go, Hey, you know my, you know my favorite thing about my husband, um, Mike is,

and I go, Oh, what? And she go fucking nothing. She would say it constantly. Yeah. Well, it's good.

That's good information to know. Maybe there's something like, you ought to take that home to her. Well, how am I supposed to confront? That's an awkward situation. You just, you strike them with the right.

You strike them. No, don't hit women. Don't hit women. You guys were just Josh. And I honest to God, if it ever came down to it, if there was ever a God, God forbid, a situation where I had to fight my wife, I don't think I would do very well. Fuck that. You wouldn't, you wouldn't fight your wife if you had to, if it was your life.

No, no, no. I would if I, I would do it if I had to, but I don't think I would win. Oh, you think your wife would beat your ass? Yes. All right. Well, dude, check this out. When your wife does kick the shit out of you, I'm going to come in afterwards and I'm going to choke hold her and I'll beat the shit out of her to avenge your death.

That's a really cool, she would kill me. But that's a very cool friend thing to do. No prob, dude. Yeah. That's what friends are for. Thank you for killing my wife. Nope, dude. Say no more. I think I'm not going to kill your wife if you ask me to. That's what friends are for. Thank you for killing my wife. Nope, dude. Say no more.

I think I'm not going to kill your wife if you ask me to. You give me the go ahead. Give me the green light. I'm going to kill your fucking wife. Okay. Let me sleep on it. Take a nap. Take a cat nap and think about it.

Mike. It's so hot in here, man. Well, take off your fucking beanie. I can't because now my hair's all fucking shitty. Oh. And you have video now. Yeah, we got video now Fucking people can stop yelling at me

It's so fun this is awesome How many people yell to you? That's cool that people care though The internet's got mad People are down for Whiskey Ginger man People like this shit And people were like why don't you put Whiskey Ginger up on the fucking YouTubes And I was like it's gonna

It's gonna we're there We're finally getting there But let's talk for real about your world and how we really do know each other. I used to do a character called Duncan Rocks. Yeah. Very searchable on YouTube. A stupid, creepy, gross, odd character. You liked it?

That was so funny. I remember thinking back in the day that that was too good for YouTube. I was like, why is this just on this free website? This is too good for a free website. I did a character called Duncan Rocks where I played a character that I lived in my stepdad's basement. Stepdad. And man, it was so funny.

You can search. Those videos are still out there. They're inundated with racism and sexism too, which is very funny. Timely though. It's very now. Yeah, very now. Yeah. But we did it and you did some stuff with us with those in the midst of you

making your own youtube content because you have a good following on on the youtubes i've just been doing it for a long time well how many people how many subs do you have subs is uh street talk for uh how many drugs subdominant males do you fucking the pooper uh almost 170 000 that's a lot of humans that number is shrinking well i got most of them when I was a musician. When you were a teeny bopper, teeny bopper. Mike used to be a teeny bopper, um,

mega babe musician who would strum his guitar. You would busk, right? Used to busk, used to go stand on corners for Nichols. Yeah. You were a big busker. I was,

that's how I made my, my way. Do you not play music anymore? Not really, man. I wrote my last song a couple of years ago and it did okay on Spotify. And i was like that's a good one to end on that's really go out on top yeah sure that's really smart go out on top and don't even think about it yeah you know just let it be yeah let it be great song it is great song listen that was their last song that was the last

song they ever wrote was let it be no um and that that was, of course, as we know, Let It Be was written and performed by Led Zeppelin, as everybody knows. That's my favorite thing to do is to fuck with people. I love going, I was in Amoeba Music. And I think it was like the Rolling Stones came on. And this guy next to me was kind of like bobbing his head, like flipping through records. And I go. Hell yeah.

I go, dude, Roger Waters. You know what I mean? Steve Miller band, dude.ve miller man dude they're so high dude right is this chicago do you have a way about you where you say things very matter of fact maybe it's just being what a good actor is but you say things very matter of fact you believe that you make things yeah let me try to uh you tell me this is real or fake ready oh well i'm stupid this doesn't i know you're dumb that's why this is gonna be perfect shit all right here we go here we go real or fake um when i was nine uh my uncle mike fell off of a um uh those like uh what's like tractors that you take to to um pumpkin patches you know like a like an open back tractor

do you know what i'm talking about sure fell. Fell off an open back tractor and he split his neck open to 65% of his neck was exposed and open and he lived. That's weird that you remember the percent. That was from a doctoral number. I want to say that's fake. That's very real. Real? No, it's fake.

It's fake. It's fake. You said you took too long to think of open back tractor. Open back tractor That's the name of our band Open back tractor By the way Yeah that's good

That is fake But I am better at Selling you on stuff I should have sold you On a more believable story Yeah I couldn't think You started very aggressively

Strong 65% of the neck 65% of his neck was open Open back tractor That's too bad So So Yes I have a very a very convincing way about myself

i can't stop picturing it though that my uncle with a 65 percent neck open like a pez dispenser but a side pez it comes on the side of his neck but it was blood and it was his life that's disgusting that's disgusting but it was real don't like it. Mike, you live in a little nook of the valley where I was going to move to. Until. Until I learned that you were there all the time and I couldn't fucking do it anymore. But you don't play music at all anymore? No, man. I don't think that way anymore.

I used to get real set or whenever I got real emotional, I was like, how can I sing this? Or what things can I play? How can I sing this? You know? You hurt my feelings can I how can I sing this or what like things how can I sing this you know you hurt my feelings I'm gonna sing this that's really that's legit what I thought this is why white people are good at at rock because like sad rock is only white guys being like I need to sing this how to get this emotion out think about how weird it is to just instead of saying the thing like a comedian would just very matter matter of factly find a clever way to connect with people and say the thing. You're like, well, first I have to rhyme it. Yeah.

And then I have to sing it. Then I have to make it sound, put it in a structure where people could- And sound sweet. Yeah. And make it sound good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what's really funny? Before we move on, the plant behind you, the big growing plant, it moves every time your

beanie touches it. It's really funny. Oh my goodness gracious. Do you want to move forward so the plant doesn't shift every two growing plant, it moves every time your beanie touches it. It's really funny. Oh my goodness gracious. Do you want to move forward so the plant doesn't shift every two seconds? Is it bothering you? No, but it looks like the plant's alive. And I'm coming down from an LSD trip today. Well.

Just shift forward. So I'm freaking you out right now. Yeah, just shift the chair forward. I'm going to have to shift the whole chair. Yeah, but shift the chair forward. Let's see what happens. Look at how loud these fucking chairs are. Delia was like, nice.

I got the loud leather. It's like what happens. Look at how loud these fucking chairs are. Delia was like, nice. I got the loud leather. It's like they're held together by the leather. They're held together by my hope that they don't fall apart. It's just a wish. Is that better for you? These are on, this is Elmer's glue made these. Yeah, no. I honestly, God, felt like we had a, we were kind of locked in and we were into a good. You're good now.

Oh, Mike, did that fuck you up? I feel like I have to reset. We can start This whole thing over I don't really give a shit Welcome to Whiskey Ginger No this is my show You son of a bitch So Mike doesn't play music anymore

But now you still do YouTubes You're still doing YouTubes And you're getting 170,000 subscribers How many people Watch the videos A lot of people Bailing out at this point

Yeah There's a little bit Of an audience turnover Do you think it's because You're getting older I don't know if my If the kind of stuff i put out that wasn't music is like if age is a big deal i kind of just talk about stuff and i try to be helpful and funny and that really doesn't have a that's not working right now i moved up i moved the chair up that was helpful helpful. That did help me. No, but you think,

see, this was interesting about people that do YouTube. I always think about this shit, like, do people lose their fucking audience as you get older? A portion of them, for sure. You do, right?

But that's because they get older and they're like, I'm into new shit. So they're not into your shit anymore. But then there's, I'm sure there's a large group of people who weren't into it whenever they first found it.

So I'm always astounded when people tell me when they first have been watching it. So I'm always astounded when people tell me when they first have been watching it. So people will come out to stand-up shows and been like, I've been watching you since middle school. I've been watching you for seven years or something. So you're kind of like a pervert in a weird way. Like little kids were watching you.

Well, I was also kind of littler. Yeah, but you're a pervert, dude. Yeah, but that has nothing to do with the YouTube stuff. Little 12-year-old kids are like, I've always watched you. And you're like, I like i've watched you too well how would i watch them i don't know you make me i don't know you creep how do you watch them you fucking creep it's true no but you know what i think that happens you lose your audiences i'm in my i'm in my i'm in my mid-30s now and i think that i'm collecting my favorite kind of audience right now yeah because i'm getting the people that are like older

but still chill, you know? Like, I could get like your uncle. Like your uncle would be like, fucking Santino, funny as fuck. But I could also get a younger person.

But I can't get too young. Like I can't, I don't know if college is, I don't know if college is my market. Like I don't have a lot of fans that are college-y. I have a lot of fans that are like I think

right out of college. I'm not woke enough for college kids. No? You mean tame enough? I'm not woke. Okay. I don't censor myself or I don't say shit that's super appealing to... I don't really adhere to all these social woke things

that everyone has to believe in all the fucking time. I just don't adhere to any of that bullshit. I don't really care. So you're not attractive to people who are finding themselves. You're attractive to adults. I'm attractive to people that are there. Yeah, are you already there?

Come on, let's go. Let's take a ride together. Yeah, sure. That's kind of it for me. Jump in the car. Let's go to the place together. I don't need to tell you how to get there. We already fucking know.

This is beautiful. This is nice. Is it nice? Yeah, I like it. Do you know who you are? I feel like I'm getting there do you think you have your voice i think i have the what is going to be the start of it because i've been thinking about it for a long time you know how like when i first started stand up i had all

these videos of me not being very good at stand up yeah and then i would send them to clubs to get booked yeah and they'd be like you don't have your voice this is trash why are you doing don't send me this shit but then they would always take the time to give me like helpful hints they'll be like okay here's how you have to think about yourself lewis black is the angry guy chris rock is the whatever guy you know and they'd say what chris rock is the what guy the black guy the premier black comedian that's how they refer to him in the club circuit? I don't, yeah, that's how they think of Chris Rock. Look, Mike. Yeah.

Louis Black is mad. Chris Rock is black. Chris Lewis is a nice, white, calm guy. Yeah. I get that, I get that. They were like, you need to figure out who you are. They wanted to categorize you somehow. Yeah.

Because they said you were too all over the place. So what are you now? Aren't you still kind of a goofball? I'm a goofball. I'm like the everyone's friend guy. I'm the comfortable guy on stage. Whose friend? Everybody.

You don't have any fucking friends. You started this by saying, first of all, we're best friends. Tell everyone if you want. Nope. And good luck. Best of luck. Come open for me every show I have from now on these are your words you can rewind it

Mike I hate you but I like you thank you so much I've never hate loved someone so much in my life I am always fascinated by your growth of how you were able to kind of transition from getting away from

the YouTube thing shifting and now you want to get more into just straight stand up. It's a tough, tough, shitty road. You're in it right now. You're diving in it. Yeah. It's funny. It's funny because like I'm in a very privileged position where I've been working a long time.

Things are kind of getting good. You know, fans are really fucking coming out. Like it's really good. But at any level level there's problems that's what's so funny you know you told me that champagne problems yeah you said you're always a little fish and you're always gonna be a little fish yeah yeah because you get in a bigger pond and then you're like whoa dude i got to the big pond and now you're you're a new fish in there and then you grow and grow and grow and they're like dude you're too big for this pond you gotta

go to the next pond then you go to the next pond and they're like who the fuck are you yeah you fucking fish no it gives me something to look forward to and you're swimming around yeah to be sad your whole life yeah yeah yeah it's sad and unfulfilled no and actually you know what it gets very it gets very fulfilling stand-up does fulfill a lot of pieces of me but it also hey let's not bullshit it's fucking hard yeah it's super hard but it's supposed to be have you been bombing or have you been doing well lately not recently man no i'm uh i feel really good it's my it's become my favorite thing and it's become stand up yeah do you like it more than you like your wife um come on do you can be real she's not even around i know and she's not gonna see this or anything obviously exactly

right um because she doesn't have eyes for people that don't know mike's wife's eyes were ripped out and now she's never gonna see this there's no way it's still hard to talk about i can't look at her i can't look right at it oh don't that's why you have no lights in your house she can't look at me no well she can't literally look at you at all that's right um not um i guess because if we weren't together i'd still be doing it right is that what that means well she's super supportive right yes she is like There was a time When I Like five years ago

When I would go out To like the improv And I would bomb Yeah And just The open mic And I would get like Laughed off the stage

By the host And then I would come And not I would come home And be like Alright I'm not doing that And then like Two months would go by

Where I wouldn't go back out Right And she was like We didn't move Fucking three thousand miles away From everyone we love So you could not do stand-up she followed you out here to so you could do your career yes that's really that's a that's a that's a huge leap yeah right well you know she's a fucking she's one of those types of people she's a bad bitch is what i would say but bad bitch in a very endearing way i think she's ride or die i think that has a very negative

connotation saying like a bad bitch but no she's a it means she's a gangster like she don't put up with nothing. Just OG. But the fact that she likes you is very odd. Well I'm also a very She's cool and good looking and smart and on it and you're Mike.

Yeah but I think I got my own show. And here you are just Mike-ing around town. Hey. I think there's something endearing to that. I'm Mike and I wear a beanie

and I'm hot and no. Let me tell you something. This is my first day wearing a beanie. You want to know you want to wearing it, you want to know, you want to know what's, you want to know what's endearing about you?

What's that? Nothing. Okay. You son of a bitch. Are you chewing gum on my fucking, you take that gum out right now. I have nowhere to put it. Put it on the table,

dude. I'm not going to put gum on your, this was cheap. Is this home goods? This is homemade. You made this table? I made this dude. I made all this shit this is beautiful no i i uh all all joking aside i don't need you to don't do the thing where you reverse and you're

like all joking aside um you guys are a good match you're good match and she supports you um and she moved out here for you with which that's a big deal man yeah like we know a guy we know a guy who moved a girl out here twice yeah yeah he moved a girl out here two times yeah but that's that's he moved a girl out here they broke up she went back home moved back out here they broke up she went back home at what point is that on you though on on me me as a friend you well i did mock her incessantly go back home no no i just think that's you know relationships are tough that my point of the whole story is like relationships are fucking hard yeah and for a girl to travel across the country to be with you to to support what you believe in yeah that's a big deal and she's very close with her family she has a huge

albanian family so i've just been out here they're murderers yeah they know they all know like where we live and everything so I'm just trying to be like every time I go home and they're like tell me a joke I'm like I'll tell you a thousand jokes how many jokes you want I have nine thousand jokes I planned wait did they have accents are any of them first are they first generation or there's like a hint of an accent but it's not full-on like they came here Mike tell me a joke why don't you tell me funny yeah is it like this kind of like very funny eastern european kind of yeah yeah yeah yeah so mike uh when you're on stage why do you also have to dress like a little gay fairy no there's a lot of like you know what also

you should do and then they'll give me a tag and i'll be like okay that's my closer mike you know what you should do stop fucking my niece good to see you he slapped me across the face Merry Christmas you fucking bitch what is your what is your ethnic background

I'm Italian and Greek but then my parents did the 23 and me and they were like we got a little Albanian in there no shit and this is the first thing

Zoe's grandma said she's like is he Albanian I couldn't put a thumb in you of what you are you know people look at me I look like the map Of fucking Ireland

Yeah Even though my last name Is Santino And I'm half and half Yeah Sicilian Italian Yeah

Yeah Sicilian and Sicilian Not Italian Well I'm Sicilian I say Italian You can't say Italian Go ask Italians

What they think about Sicilians and vice versa Okay You'll get a lot of Fucking You'll get a lot of Back and forth Okay

Yeah they don't They don't consider Each other the same It's kind of like saying You know It's kind of like saying, you know, it's kind of like saying, oh, I'm a Bostonian. Oh. And they say, where do you live? You say, somewhere in New England.

You know? Like in Connecticut? Yeah. Or Rhode Island? Yeah. That's the worst of the people from Rhode Island. But that would be like saying- Like I'm from Boston.

That's like saying you're Italian or Sicilian. Two different places. Oh, damn. Okay. Yeah. They don't like each other. Thank you for teaching me about myself. Yeah. Well, you got's like saying you're Italian, you're Sicilian. Two different places. Oh, damn. Okay. They don't like each other. Thank you for teaching me about myself. Yeah, well, you gotta learn,

you fucking idiot. So. You're very mean. Yeah, no, no, no. But I'm being mean nice. Yeah. I'm being mean nice. Like, look, I'll be mean.

Fuck you. Give you a compliment. Dude, I love these shoes. I'm going back and forth. Mike. Emotionally, yeah. Those tattoos are fucking stupid, you dumb idiot.

Dude, I like your beard this week. Cool. You see that? I balance it out. Mean and nice nice what's the minimal amount yeah just like a little just like a little baby compliment your beard looks good today in this light yeah uh you have terrible um facial features dude these laces are clean um i've been starting to think that man see been looking at my brow and i'm like i have caveman brow a little bit i you? I have like The giant like Furled Let me see

It comes out Do you pluck the middle? No You don't pluck? No I do the Oh you buzz it A little bit

Okay let's get into grooming then Do you buzz Do you buzz your Your ding dong Or do you shave? I The trimmer You do that on your penis?

Everyone Since high school All of my friends Who've been like I bick my shit. Dude. That's always freaked me out. I can't believe people bick their balls. Yeah.

They were like, no, you just pull the skin tight on your balls. Like, why would you? That's such a crazy rip. That's like I jump out of the plane to go to school. Every day I jump out of the plane. I can just see one of the nine blades just slicing my sack open. Yeah. And imagine having a sliced open sack and you gotta go to the fucking emergency room.

Yeah. And you know they're laughing at you. How if you're an ER doctor? You become a story forever. Yes. Yeah. Speaking of which, my buddy Dan,

he's a PA. You know what that is? Yes. Yeah. And he works in a very bad hospital in Chicago or did for a long time And dude he had so many war stories from the ER Crazy crazy shit but one of the craziest ones

I think I ever fucking heard was This dude came in like a middle aged guy In like horrendous pain Like his dick was hurt so bad And he was like I have an STD You know like he thought like he caught something Yeah like we get it you have sex Yeah yeah we get it bragger He's like I fucked all these girls i fucked all these girls it hurts so

so good this dude this story's about to take a turn by the way this dude they get him in the room takes down his pants he openly then admits that he hasn't been having sex and they're like well you said you had an std yeah we're gonna run all these tests well we have to look at your genitals then we have to take a look at what's going on maybe something serious is going on he's really embarrassed now he's nervous right he has a he is uncircumcised so he has a foreskin he's got a snake sleeve so he's got a little sleeve yeah and it's it's like underneath looks like like a baseball bat donut you know like a warm-up bat on a baseball bat you know the warm-up donut a little heavier yeah yeah it is surrounding where the head of his penis is but the skin is over it the sleeve is covered the sheets

are over it yeah it's tucked in it's tucked it's tucked all the way in like a hotel bed so my buddy dan they have to physically pull back the skin to see what it is this dude is writhing in such pain he passes out physically from the pain good passes out yeah they pull it back they notice it's buildup it's bacteria buildup because this guy never cleaned his ding dong do they not teach you dog do you know what shmegma is yeah hell yeah this is shmegma no like like solidified this is the real hard rock hard shmegma like shmegma was a term we used because we found it online and we thought it was funny yeah my buddy dan saw shmegma for real in real life that's crazy he saw actual crystallized shmegma on this guy's ding dong because he never washed under his sleeve that's disgusting he never cleaned under his like a like a horse like a like a salt lick for a horse that's exactly what it

looked like he had a salt lick on his dick yeah the salt he had a shmegma salt lick isn't that fucking insane that's disgusting how does he get to that point well dude i mean i'm sure his parents didn't love him and also god bless you for having all that real estate you gotta have a lot of dick real estate too yeah he might have had a nice hog now that i think about it did you take pics dude think about going into the er think about going to the er with your slice sack though think about going to the air with a slice sack let's have the conversation right now i'm in the er okay go ahead hey what's going on you're the guy with the slice sack okay my ketchup let me put myself there i'm not as good of an actor i need to damn right you're not all right here we

go you're in the er here we go you're uh oh shit what's going on bell hi i have a i'm i'm currently having a problem i was shaving i was Can we go into the other room? You were shaving your face? Yeah, yeah. Shaving my face. What do you mean? I was shaving my balls, man. You were shaving your balls?

I was bicking my balls. A friend of mine said they did it in high school, and I was like, I'm a grown-up. I could do this. How old are you now? I'm 34, so my skin was taut. I pulled my skin. So you silly puttied out your nutsack?

A little bit. You silly puttied out your nutsack a little bit you silly put it on a newspaper and i see if the did it actually pull some of the stuff a little bit of the comics all right so let me tell you this yeah you're already insane yeah yeah you you're not gonna fix that no no but but i do need to see your sack okay okay here you go oh my god beetle bailey it's backwards that's such a funny cartoon by the way yeah on your nutsack that's one of my favorite Okay, here you go. Oh my God. It's Beetle Bailey. It's backwards. That's such a funny cartoon, by the way, on your nutsack. That's one of my favorite, favorite strips. Thank you so much.

I couldn't get all the speech bubble in there. Yeah, there's one half missing. But you ripped your sack open bicking it? I ripped my sack. How do you propose? I went lengthwise. Oh God. That was an accident.

I heard the doorbell. Hot dog, not hamburger. Yeah, yes sir. Okay, so let me put it like this. We can't fix it. It's a hospital. We're going to have to cut off your whole nuts. Why?

You're going to have to cut off your balls. Wait, why? To teach you a lesson that you don't deserve them. Is there kind of like a second opinion? You're going to keep your penis. Yeah. Thank you. But we're going to keep your balls.

That doesn't seem fair. Lay down. They just make you do it? They make you do it. I don't like that. What if they did that in hospitals? They kept people's balls as like a lesson. It's like, that's what you get, kids.

Or they replaced your sack with like a glass bulb, like a light bulb. And now you're going to see your balls. If you ever had testicular cancer, knock on wood, I hope you don't. But you know how you can get like, they can put a fake nut in there? I've had enough stuff happen to my dick area in the hospital and I never want to go through any of that ever. Why?

What have you had happen to your dick? Dude, last time I was in the hospital, crazy shit went down. What? I had a kidney stone that was too big to pass. So one of two things happens. They have to break it down, right? They have to break it down with shock waves

Which was not the case Or they have to go in and they shoot it with a laser They have dick guns Laser dick guns Wouldn't it be cool if it went When they shot in your penis I imagined a dick because I was asleep But I was like this is how I'd like that to go

And the doctors are playing He said it's no different They're on a speeder it's galaga and shit yeah he's shooting he's shooting he's so he's breaking up the the rock inside of your penis yeah they have a thing that goes in and it's a camera and a claw and a basket and a laser and they go in and they had to grab it from my kidney and place it where they could shoot it they shot it they make it hot and then it blows up then they take a basket and they go in, and they had to grab it from my kidney and place it where they could shoot it. They shot it. They make it hot, and then it blows up. Then they take a basket, and they scoop it out,

and then they exit your day. Those sound like rap lyrics, by the way. Yeah, they shot it. Got a gun, got a claw, got a basket, got a laser. They made it hot, and they took it out. Heat that shit up, then blow that shit up. That's what's up. Yo, that's what's up.

I got a gun, a basket, a laser. Heat that shit up, then I blow that shit up. It's not bad, dude. No, it's kind of a good that's what's up I got a gun a basket a laser heat that shit up then I blow that shit up it's not bad dude no it's kind of a good song it's not bad yo so so they got rid of your stone and

and afterwards the pain was unbelievable huh when you woke when you wake up no no no afterwards it's it's uh

I mean it's sore and bad there's this story is so much longer how much how long yeah let's not let's not tell the whole thing Yeah absolutely

Because I don't want to focus On your cock for this interview Thank you so much Hey how How long Until you could use it Did you What do you mean use it

Until you could fuck Um I waited a couple weeks Did they tell you You could go right away I couldn't go right away Because I had a Do you know what a stint is

You had a stint in your penis Yeah but do you know For the fans For the whiskey ginge fans That's when you put a tube in your penis. Yeah, that keeps the walls of your ureter open. From collapsing. Yeah. Yeah, I'm a smart guy. I know what the fuck I'm doing, man.

I'm sorry to say ureter. You think I haven't shoved a rope in some guy's penis before? Well, not my first. Not my first dick rodeo, pal. Sure. I've roped a lot of cock in my day. Sure, sure, sure. That's how I first, that's my first job when I moved to West Hollywood.

See, this is one of those things where you tell me and I believe you. Do you know that was my first job in West Hollywood? Dick roper? I was cock roping. So what, where do you work when you're? Any gay nightclub. Sure. So I would go around to guys.

Santino, round them up. Round them up. Yeah. Now I could, I could, you know how people rope, rope a pig? I could rope a cock from across the room. Hell yeah, I believe. Pull them, pull them up. Round them up. Yeah. You know how people rope a pig? I could rope a cock from across the room. Hell yeah, I believe you. Pull him over. You know, like a scorpion.

Get over here. I would rope it and then I'd pull him right over to me. That's cool. It takes a lot of dexterity, too. I got strong fingers, too. Sure. Strong fingers. You have nice hands.

You have like male model hands. No. What's that like? Get out of town. No, you have good like penis hands. Yeah, penis. Oh pianist oh i never you know i played the drums i never learned how to play anything else but piano is the one thing i wish i knew how to fucking play everyone wishes that no one wants to take lessons when they're

little because it's boring as shit and then one person does it at a fucking in the middle of a mall or at a fancy party and you're like i wish i was i wish i was that dude there was a dude that was playing it at the train station i went to the train station he was playing playing the piano and it was so pretty that's badass i got so jealous yeah you know but then he was homeless and i was like oh no i got a i got a pretty good that's so crazy how he has to live with his piano pushing around town he carries it everywhere that's insane it's piano pete he just goes from train station to train station with his piano yeah his name's Greg I feel bad that people keep shouting that at him Piano Pete

He's like it's fucking Greg Stop saying that dude I said it No I I've had an uncomfortable experience at the doctor this past year as well I had I had to get a prostate exam Yeah

Because I had problems with my prostate So the man has to put his fingers in your butthole Yeah It's just not fun dude Yeah I haven't had that yet It's just so uncomfortable man long time takes a long time no it's not even the length of time as much as it is the just like the idea of the whole thing sucks because you're just like you're worried that you're gonna find that they're gonna find something yeah and then it's also another a man's hand inside of your butthole yeah and i'll never forget he put his hand inside of your butthole. Yeah. And I'll never forget, he put his hand inside of my asshole and he said,

can you feel that? And I said, I'd like to meet the guy that said no. Show me one guy. You're never off. You have a hand inside my butthole. Yeah. Really?

Dude, I would be listening so hard for just the next sound he made. The doctor. Right as he puts his hand in your ass sound he made, the doctor. Right as he puts his hand in your ass and he goes, hmm. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. That's such a revealing. Here would be a collection of the sounds. He could either go, hmm, which is like, fuck, something's wrong.

Yeah. Or he puts it in there and he goes, ugh. He's like, you're gross, dude. I hate my job. You're the asshole that makes him hate his job. Oh, God. Okay, you're fine. You're fine. Yeah, you're fine. You're fine. You're fine. I makes him hate his job. Okay, you're fine. You're fine.

Yeah, you're fine. You're fine. You're fine. I mean, you should fucking clean your ass. Oh, the other one. The worst one would be. The worst one wouldn't be him finding something or him being grossed out. The worst would be him putting his finger in your ass and then going, hmm, and liking it.

Wouldn't that fuck you up? You're the guy who makes him realize he's gay? Not even. No, he might not be gay. He might just like putting his hand in people's ass. Sure. Maybe that's a power trip. Like he wants to puppet me around.

Yeah. Like he wishes he could pick me up, play with my prostate. Yeah. Yeah, but I had to get my prostate examined. It was so awful. And then you have to wait for test results and all this stuff and your mind is reeling

and you're like, am I gonna fucking die? die like two doctors you go you always go to the deepest darkest hole you know with a dentist the worst thing they're like oh we found a cavity you're like shut up hurry the fuck up and fix me like you're never worried get me out of here even though you could have serious health complications yeah but if you keep chewing that gum i'm gonna i'm gonna knock you out i'm sorry man'm sorry. I did this just spit it out I'm gonna spit it on the rim of your glass Look at that sweet boy see cuz all I'm hearing is All right. Well some people like that it touches a part in their brain. Really? Let's take a vote online

I'm gonna take a vote online take a poll I'm gonna take a poll Mike online take a poll i'm gonna take a poll mike son of a bitch you brutal motherfucker dude can we say do you get like sentimental on this podcast uh i mean i like to have fun okay no but i i we i've talked about a lot of shit i've had a lot of different guests that have talked about real serious shit as well as real i just like to you know i like to feel it out why i just want the people who like your podcast to know it's so dark in here this video is never going to come out that yeah it'll never it'll never happen you're like the the one of the main i told you this before you're like one of the main inspirations for me doing stand-up comedy oh as i remember seeing you from the duncan rocks thing and then

watching like videos of you online and hearing you talk about it And I'm like That's I feel like I watched your whole Career And it's It's nice When a friend makes it And you're genuinely happy For that person

That's a fun feeling Oh dude That feels really nice I have so many friends Doing great things That I'm not Happy for at all Because they're assholes

No I I can't I'm happy for I like to Celebrate other people It's nice You should I think that's a good thing Well I think I think happy for it. I like to celebrate other people. It's nice. You should.

I think that's a good thing. Well, I think it's really interesting. I've watched you kind of make your transition because to me, you were kind of a guy that was really king in that digital space that I didn't really understand. Like I didn't really understand the YouTube shit. The reason we made that Duncan Rock stuff was genuinely we were mocking YouTube content creators.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. When Dan and I did that whole thing, our whole goal was to make a character of a person that we thought was YouTube content creators. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When Dan and I did that whole thing, our whole goal was to make a character of a person that we thought was annoying. Yeah. And it became super endearing in the weirdest fucking way. I cannot believe it.

He's very likable. Yeah, he was lovable as shit. But you were so involved in the world that I was fascinated with. I'm always fascinated with something that I really can't touch because I couldn't touch that. I didn't have the mental dexterity to do

that to like upload videos all the time and be aware of your audience and kind of like put out content that's relatable to what they're talking about right now and what's going on you know I was always kind of like you know kind of an awe by that whole thing because I was just playing this great character that I loved and I had no business in the YouTube space and we had offers to do a few things, but I said no, but, um, machinima thing, right? Yeah. We did one of those things, I think for a short amount of time, but I just didn't know what I wanted to do in that space, but you were very good in that space. And now I'll give you a compliment, even though you don't

fucking deserve it. But now I've seen you do standup and you're making your transition into standup and it's really cool to watch you work, man. It's really cool to watch you grow because it's, you know, I mean, dude, it's not easy. And you put out videos and you put out stuff and you're putting out content to try to match what's going on right now, which is because everyone is putting out content

in standup now. It used to be just do live standup, figure it out. Yeah. Now it's like, dude, you got to show people because not everyone has comedy central not everyone has uh showtime or hbo or pluto tv or pluto tv yeah have you been on pluto tv yes what the fuck is pluto tv it's like a free thing you download you get like 70 channels of stuff that used to be on did you do stand-up on pluto tv yeah i did coming to the stage and george wallace

hosted it i fucking love george wallace yeah he's awesome who else was on it what other comics were on it oh man preacher lawson was on it i like him um brian moses was on it that's my boy bunch of people uh so two black guys in you three black guys in you that's it that was seven seasons all black show and then one albanian looking dude one vague albanian one vague ladies and gentlemen a vague albanian who. Who was the lady who featured for you in Brea? Jen Murphy. No, no, no. What? The other one.

The one who brought a dog. She brought her dog. Who brought their dog? She featured in Irvine. Oh, this is bad. Wait, wait, wait. No, Jen Murphy was with us. No, no, no.

That was Brea. Irvine was a younger blonde. Oh, S is bad. Wait, wait, wait. No, Jen Murphy was with us. No, no, no. That was Brea. Irvine was a younger blonde. Oh, Sambari? Sambari. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. She was on the same season. Oh, she was? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

On Pluto TV? Yes. Guys, if you have Pluto TV... Guys, if you live in space, you can jump on Pluto TV. It's free. It's so incredibly free. But everything is free.

Yeah. Okay, so that's what I'm talking about. You have to create so incredibly free But everything is free Yeah Okay so that's what I'm talking about You have to create So much bullshit Because everything is free Right And I'm not on Netflix yet So it's kind of like

I have to make my own waves The other way Yeah but you got on I had a Showtime special Yeah but that's Is that kind of like The equivalent of having A HBO

Because HBO special Used to be the thing Yeah Because they were The only people Like doing that I love the Showtime special I was happy that they Want because they were the only people like doing it I love the Showtime special I was happy that they wanted to do a special with me and then I did the

TV show with them and all that shit but also it's they just don't have as big of an audience as Netflix does I mean I'm just that's just a fact I'm not being rude it's just like I want to be on Netflix because it's global where their people are well it's global dude yeah it's global and everybody fucking has it yeah you know everyone has it and they know that they're the beasts you know but um but I think because of that because comics are put in this kind of different constraint now, it's like you have to find a clever way to like push. Yeah. So hence why I'm doing this thing.

Because I was like, I want to talk to friends, have fun, be funny, be hot and sexy on cam. Hell yeah. Check, check, check, check. Yeah. You know? And have my beanie buds come through through. You're my beanie buds. Beanie buds.

My beanie buds come through through. You're my beanie bud. Beanie bud. My beanie buds come through through. I'll take that. But in continuing this compliment that I'm giving you, but it's amazing for me to watch because I know you on a very personal level, to watch you grow in this world because I know you know it's not easy and you've taken no shortcuts. Yeah, hell yeah. So I'll give you a lot of credit for that, honestly,

because I know it's very easy to try to like. I've always wanted to be good at everything. I never wanted to like, I'm always wanted to be good at everything. I never wanted to like, I'm not attractive enough to be like rich and famous. Yeah. Tell me about it. But I'm very self-aware. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right?

So you got to work to be, my parents always taught me, you got to be work to get it, you got to be good. You don't remember what they said, did you? I don't remember what my parents taught me. What a shitty child. No. They always taught me to work. They told you you got to work hard to be good at anything.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you do. Yeah. And you do. And you worked hard at They told you you got to work hard to be good at anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you do. And you do. And you worked hard at getting tattoos and you got all those. I got all of them one day. You knock it all out. I was like, fill me up. Fucking light me up, dude.

Make me different. Make me unique. Make me unique, dude. No, but were your parents... See, I have this theory. If your parents Are your parents Kind of good looking

Or they're like They're like Is your dad handsome Was he I think he was Yeah and was your mom Kind of cute when she was young Yeah she was very cute

That's why you're not good looking Yeah because they both I got the worst parts Of both of them I think ugly people Make beautiful children Yeah they were trying To talk me out of being

A musician They're like Be a comedian You could be an old Ugly comedian Nobody wants to see you sing because your face no they're looking at your teeth but you're not a fucking ugly dude we're joking around okay yeah you're a normal looking good looking guy you're like hell yeah you've got your qualities you know what i mean you've got a couple qualities you've got a few zingers left but um but i feel that way because i had a few friends growing up that had feel that way because I had a few friends

growing up that had really fucking ugly parents I had a buddy I'm never gonna mention his name but I had a buddy whose parents were like woof dude

and he was such a babe like chicks were in love with him he was so good looking that's cool his body frame was you know how like some guys have better body frames when you're young

you're like we're 14 you look like a fucking grown dude the kid with abs the little kid with abs the little fucking kid with abs what the fuck man Joey Janik have you ever had an joey janik had a joey joey janik i'll say joey janik he had abs abs we were in sixth grade yeah i was like how could you do 74 push uh pull-ups

he's like i don't know i just got it but i'm killing it at the president's test when he could touch his toes and then yeah watch me sit and reach dude i was always an athlete and skinny but i never had i never had like my parents were both athletic as fuck too but i just i have white boy body where i'm like athletic body like i'm always been athletic yeah but i've never had even when i'm in the gym getting absurd i never have been cut my whole life i've never been able to like well abs are crazy to get you have to really fucking do it dude anytime i was ever doing anything as the second i saw myself in a candid situation either walking by a mirror or somebody else's picture and i look like i had like a resemblance of a muscle i'd be like done for now i'll take about six years off see you have you

ever do were you ever fat as a kid? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You were a fat kid? Yes. What was your peak? Like how fat were you at your height of your fatness? How, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like were you really, really brown?

I feel like I've been 185 for every age that I've been. Oh, okay. So it levels out now that you're a grown man. Yeah, yeah. When you were 185, you think, when you were like 12? You think you were over one? Maybe not that much. You were over 150 at 12?

I don't know. It's tough, these numbers. Were you uncomfortable with your weight when you were a kid? Yeah, I used to get made fun of and shit. So that was your Achilles heel, was that your? Yeah, that was one of them for sure. Well, you had two Achilles heel because you were fat. It was a lot of weight on both of those things.

Yeah, that's what I call my boobs My Achilles heels So that was your thing Yeah But all of us have a thing I think everyone in the comedy world Who's self aware They make fun of themselves

You know my thing I was a red headed Freckle faced Fucking big eared kid You know like You talk like you got made fun of A lot About that

I didn't I didn't get made fun of a lot But it was It was a part of my life it was part of my existence yeah kids kids like to use it as a crutch you know fucking fire crotch yeah but like it bounced off me because it was like i've heard that so many times but also it doesn't really that's not one of those things where i don't know i'm not redheaded no you have no idea don't speak on behalf of our people i know i'm sorry because you're gonna get a letter from

the united redheaded foundation i i went outside of my you are the urf yeah we'll come after you the united redheaded foundation no but i think um i think it's fun i think people use it as a weird crutch to like as kids to make fun of kids like that but as an adult i genuinely forget i have red hair often until someone says it until someone goes oh you have you have really like really orange hair and i'm like i do yeah elevators it goes weather traffic your hair my fucking elevator in my building first of all it's like the size of a closet it's the smallest elevator i've ever been in you just hug you have to hug just to go up have to yeah need to hugging and those conversations are probably

dog shit dude there's nothing to look at There's like old lights that don't work. And I'm just looking at the lights praying that it works for the first time since like the 70s. And it's bad. My building smells like something different every single time I go in. People are cooking a lot in your building. Every night. Yeah. Everyone is cooking different things.

Yeah, everyone's cooking. Yeah. Just open your door to the hallway one day And go stop cooking Stop enough Stop cooking Grub hub Postmates Grub hub

Please Do you cook? Uh No Does your girl? Not really she does Yeah she cooks So you sit around

While she cooks for you I try not to sit around Cause I've done that And I feel like shit About myself So I'll like I'll throw out the garbage I'll like put shit away

She's still annoyed though Oh absolutely Does she cook and clean Or do you do dishes too I'll do dishes We split the duties I do that shit In my household

It's kind of like We both share stuff Was there a situation That happened Where Did you just do that Automatically Or was there a blow up

No we do that I'm not that kind of guy Okay So I'm not the kind of guy. Okay. So I'm not the kind of guy that's like, fucking do it and I'll chill. I'll help if I can, unless I'm working. If I'm working, she knows that if I'm on the computer and I'm working on something or editing something or doing something for standup, she's cool about it. But I always help clean.

I'm a need freak too. I'm a weirdo. I don't know if you know that about me. I'm like a creepy, creepy need freak. Didn't know that. There's nothing in my car. Nothing is in my car. That's great. I don't leave anything on the floor. I clean up to a fault. Nah, it's kind of fucked up. It's because of my dad. My dad's dad, my dad was like an army brat. Like his dad, his, my dad's dad was a

military guy. And I think all that energy transferred to my father. It's just everything was my dad. I love my father, but my dad is clean to a fault he's like those don't go there it's like oh they go anywhere dude what do you mean their shoes they're fucking shoes yeah yeah but like he loves to move shit like away from the front door he's like she doesn't have the front door right yeah it's like oh my fucking god but it's a stressful existence but it also makes everything like when you go away for a weekend and you come back and the house is clean, that's that good shit.

Such a fact. Yeah. That's such a fucking fact. Yeah. And it makes you happier. It also, yeah, it makes you clear.

Then I go to all my friends' apartments, like all these other standup comedians, they're like younger, they're living with girls for the first time and their place is like disgusting. It's gross. And there's a rim of like just whatever happens around a bathroom. There's just a ring

no and i'm like how does it how does it's sexist but i'm like how does a girl live here no that's not sexist because i live with zoya and she immediately it was very clear that like it will not be you can't leave disgusting you can't leave poop marks on the toilet and stuff no that's insane you have to pee it off yeah you have to pee it right even if you don't have to you get up you get up get some water drink and you go pee off the poop marks. That's so funny because that's not sexist at all. I mean, look at it like this. What you're really saying is that women tend to be more nurturing of their home space.

Yeah, they are. They care more. That's a fucking good quality to have. That's not a negative thing. Guys are okay with sloppiness because we are, by nature, slovenly fucking slobs you have to be taught to be clean i think women like to be more prim because that's that that is a that's a nurturing thing right that's like that's like this is our home space is where we take care of yeah and men are like i just eat and poop and die here you know what's the big deal this is it who cares yeah but i think

i think that's a positive thing to have but we we have a good balance now i like to leave shit around sometimes to make myself feel not like my dad. We're like, no, we can have, this can be dirty here a little bit. But dirty is like. But there's a whole thought process. It's not like a negligence thing. Yeah, I thought about it.

No, I thought about it. I thought about it. Yeah, yeah. Like I have planned, I have planned. Ooh, look at the magazine spread across the table. I put them like that. Yeah, fuck yeah.

I put them like that. How can you even enjoy that? No, I don't enjoy it at all. Look at that mess I made. I'm a dirty boy. Ooh, I'm dirty. I'm a naughty kid. I. Look at that mess I made. I'm a dirty boy. Oh, I'm dirty. I'm a naughty kid. I spanked myself for an hour.

You're a bad boy. Look at the magazines. You're bad. You go home, your pants are down around your ankles, and you got like a hoodie on, and you're spanking yourself. Babe, she walks in. What are you doing? I dirtied up the magazines.

You have dirty magazines? No, I littered on the table. I made them dirty. It's not a big deal. It's not a big deal it's not a big deal but it is to me how's your lady she still like you no no no dude you know what though let me say this relationships are wonderful because they're hard i think i believe that now i think as i'm older i'm like yeah dude if it was really happy all the time like when i see people people people people when i see people when i see people post when i see people posting pictures of themselves

together all the time all the time you wonder what's wrong well i know what's wrong everything everything because that's fucking insane yeah here we are we're happy here we are we're stoked and it's no way like it's always like a really sentimental caption. I was like, you can't have hard, you can't mean a sentimental caption every day. No, impossible. This person is my light and the light would be gone from every day. No, you have to reserve those for moments that they belong to. Anniversary, birthday.

Right. And even then, I don't do that. I don't post because we don't put, I don't put i don't put her out she's not on that shit anyway but i mean like that that to me is i think it's there's so much phoniness with that that we've diluted it so bad that it's almost like sad now i believe none of it you know it's also really fucking annoying when there's like an instagram model nothing bothers me more than a hot chick on the fucking internet that takes like a picture of her pussy her her pussy's out. And she's like, let the light of the day be the control.

Get the fuck out of my face. Dude, isn't it insane when you read that? You're like, lady, your pussy's out. Did you ever hear when, do you listen to Chris Aaliyah's podcast? I fucking hate Chris Aaliyah. No, I know that, but do you ever accidentally listen to his podcast? Yeah, no, I listen. I like Chris.

I love listening to Chris. When he used to do the fucked up instagram post of the week yes yes yes yeah yeah but you that because there's so much of it out there i try to avoid that shit as much as i can because i'm trying to be i feel like i'm less angry than i used to be yeah aren't i i could see that i'm trying yeah it's also because i've accepted more fates in my life where i'm like hey man you're good at these things some things you're not good at you have to just keep fucking moving forward and not give a shit yeah the number one thing I learned was not caring about what other people are up to can't care yeah proud proud for friends but you can't be like well how's he got that thing why are they doing that thing oh no why is that well that happens but but even at every level you go oh man I wish I had that fucking thing I wish absolutely dude but it's not it's dude. But it's not even like I'm mad about it.

It's like I used to get sad about it. Why don't I have it? It's a disgusting way to think. Yeah, everyone's on a different fucking path. Yeah, we're all on different paths, dude. And my path is nice and it's paved. Yeah. And yours is rocky road.

A little bit more rocky. It's rocky road and it goes downhill a lot. I'm on bike you're on a bike me and zoya are on a goddamn you guys are on a tandem bike yeah and she's fucking you from behind yeah yeah she is i can't wait till she leaves you and takes all the money well what that's so cool of you yep yep yep to think i have money in this oh yeah that's right you don't have any fun what am i talking about i can't wait till she's gonna leave you and take that beanie. Your collection of beanies. You're fucked, dude.

Your blue one that you love. Just let me have one. Would that be funny if a couple who doesn't have a lot of shit got divorced and they fought over that in the court? Yeah. It's like, your honor, I'm keeping the beanies.

And then you still follow each other on Instagram because you're like, well, we'll still stay friends. And then she goes away with her dude. They go to Big Bear and she's wearing- She's wearing the beanie. he's wearing the fucking beanie you're shredding the slopes of big bear fuck you dude that's how people get killed man yeah that is that's like one of on those shows yeah dude my lady watches those fucking shows don't let your girls watch those shows those um idea factories yeah dude it's like uh what's the one is um i own i um almost got away with it that's

such a creepy name for a tv i never understood why there were shows like that because wouldn't you being a smart killer just be like okay you do everything except for that okay here we go yeah but killers aren't really they're not really checking down everything you know what i mean they're not like how can i make sure that all this goes well i think a lot of people that kill um a lot of people that kill that are like premeditated kills i think they want to get caught kind of oh that's that's the end well they always i think they always say like serial killers they always want to get caught howard stern had on a long time ago a guy that was a serial killer that called in and admitted it and was like dude i've been getting away with it for four years yeah that's insane yeah it's crazy you look up the clip on youtube and he was like i've been i've been doing it for four years and howard was like, dude, I've been getting away with it for four years. Yeah. That's insane. Yeah. It's crazy. You can look up the clip on YouTube. And he was like, I've been, I've been doing it for four years.

And Howard was like, what? Why are you admitting? And he's like, I just, I'm, I'm tired of being on the run. Like he was sick of winning. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. Fucking this dude.

Winning. Worst win. He's like tired of being like, it's like the Golden State Warriors as if they were just like, we're done. We're too good. We're done. Yeah. Finally, we're going to quit basketball.

Well, that's sad. You know, I hope the best for that guy. For the serial killer? I think they got him. I think that Trey said they fucking got him. Could you help them get me? Yeah, that's sad. You know, I hope the best for that guy. For the serial killer? I think they got him. I think they traced that they fucking got him. Could you help them get me? Yeah, please, dude. Hey, cops, I'm right here, guys. Fellas, I've been killing people all the time.

Poor guy. Poor guy. Poor killer. He can't just get caught. Yeah, it's tough for them. It's tough for everybody. If you went to prison, let's say you go to prison. I don't like this scenario. Yeah, if you go to prison, what kind of guy do you think you would be? Because I think about that when I watch those shows, when they do go to prison. I'm like, would you be the guy who fights right away?

Or would you be the guy who tries to be the intellect? If I... Who goes in the library and just buries himself so no one even looks at him? I would definitely try to learn shit because you got all the time in the world. Might as well try to learn something helpful or try to help people with what you can do. You're not trying to fight. Here's my thing with fighting is I go to jail tomorrow.

Look at how you just did that. I can tell you're not going to be able to fight. This? You're like, here's my thing about fighting. I'm going to smack, smacky, smack you. My wrists do this when I'm upset. Here's the thing about fighting. I'm Spider-Man.

I'm going to Spider-Man you. So I don't think that i could take another prisoner unless i was the guy who immediately walked in there and put my head through somebody's collarbone or some shit like that and then i don't talk for a year and then they're like what the well they put you in the hole right yeah they put you in solid so that's see i mean you come out and you just have this fucking weird far away look at all times yeah you always look down always they's, see, I think. And then you come out and you just have this fucking weird far away look at all times. Yeah. You always look down.

Always. They always go like this. Like, say hi to me. You're the prisoner. You're like, hey, what's up, man? Hey, what's up, man? Hey, man. How's it going?

What's up? You having a, you having a good day or? Okay. All right. You chill out. All right. All right, man. Just looking in general.

Yeah. Just looking all over over but at you i think i would be the guy that would do something violent right off the bat yeah you have to right because i don't want to be a guy that gets like checked i don't want to get checked in the middle of the day like yeah my fear would be being in prison and everyone's cool with me they're like yo this motherfucker's funny you know like i'm funny i'm joking around i'm trying to like make friends more friends and enemies yeah because that would be my original approach and i know me i get too comfortable i'll be playing basketball.

I'm like, nice jumper, Tyrone, you bitch. And we all laugh. Oh, shit. I get stabbed to death. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's me.

I'm fucking around too much. No, your mouth. Too far, motherfucker. You know, I can feel that. I can feel that coming. So I think my alternative would be when I walk in, grab anything of substance

and weight and hurt someone. Well, I'd kill somebody, really. Or immediately play basketball and be the assist guy. Ooh, just be like, oh my God, be like Johnny Paxton. Hell yeah, player. Yeah.

So you get in there and immediately you're like, you know what? Where's the court? I'm John Stockton. I'm gonna Stockton up this fucking prison court all day long. Yeah, but you gotta watch with the shorts.

You can't pull the shorts up too high or else you're a sexy boy. You're bait. Yeah. Yeah, that's the thing is I would get so fat i would get fat in prison so no one wants to fuck me and i would fight everybody yeah just don't shower or anything yeah yeah i wouldn't shower yeah i wouldn't shower i can't believe that i can't

believe they still communal showers is so demeaning did you play organized sports yes what'd you play in high school i played basketball i played baseball played soccer you played all those in for your high school team? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Ask me how much I played for your team. How much did you play? Yeah. Not much.

Yeah. You were there. You were the equipment manager. Soccer, I played a lot. Basketball, I played the first game, and that was pretty much it. Oh, okay. Right. They would put me in the last 30 seconds of every game.

That was the worst. Was it all white kids at your school? Mostly. On the basketball team, yeah, because all the good black kids were on varsity. So I was on the freshman team and there were no black kids on the freshman team.

Yeah, we had communal showers and I had to shower with a bunch of black dudes in my high school. Three of which became pro athletes, by the way. I went to high school with a bunch of people that went pro

in different sports. And I didn't shower at school. Because of that. Yeah. Yeah, that's insane. Yeah. Because they were grown men. I was 16 and they were men.

It was fucking insane. You know how embarrassing it was? Yeah. I have, have right now, such a nice average cock. Cool. Always been a nice average cock. Yeah. Everyone that's ever seen it has been like, yeah, that's cool.

Sure. Fine. Totally. Hey, I get it. That fits. Hey, look at that. Lines up. You lines up you know what i mean yeah hey they put it in right hey they fixed it they did it right they fixed it they did it they fixed it uh and then when i was in the locker room when i was in high school and these dudes i i'm not kidding like i'm not exaggerating for the sake of story it was like i would feel embarrassed i'd feel uncomfortable first thing

you do is look at everyone's can't miss them they're just dragging along the floor there so dude what age were you when you were like oh people have different size cocks i i'll tell you literally specifically at my friend sean at a sleepover my friend sean's i think i had to pants the buddy of ours and i saw his penis and his penis was so much smaller than i remember mine being that I was like, whoa, it's not done. Like his isn't even close. He's still a teenager. Yeah, whoa, his is not done. You know?

Oh, and we were young too. No, we were young kids. But I just remember even being young, my penis was bigger than his. And I, again, normal penis. But I was like, whoa, that's sad. You ever text them and be like, hey man, you done? How's that tiny, yeah, you done? Hey, ever text them and be like, hey man, you done?

How's that tiny, yeah, you done? Hey, you done? Not you up, you done? You done? Bing, you done? Oh no. Hey man, you done? Is your dick done?

Do you remember the first time you saw your dad's penis? Yeah, we showered together and stuff. Today, till this day? Till this day. You going for Christmas? Dad, shower's hot, come on up. Let's go. When was the first time? I get mad at him because he's wasting

the water let's go close get your naked ass up here when was when was the first time you saw your dad's penis how old were you uh i don't know how old are you when you shower with your dad 27 what uh no no michael no i don't know't know. When did you take your first shower? Well, I don't remember seeing my dad's penis when I took a shower. I don't think I ever showered with my dad. I showered with my dad one time. Oh, boy. What?

Don't you do that? Isn't that a thing? Are you asking you as in the royal you or me? I didn't do that. I never showered with my father. No, I was happy with the amount of times I showered with my father. Did you shower a lot with your dad? Once.

One time. Did he put you on his shoulders in the shower? Your little tiny penis on the back of his head times I showered with my father. Did you shower a lot with your dad? Once. One time. Did he put you on his shoulders? In the shower? Your little tiny penis on the back of his head? Yeah, so just my stomach is getting hit by the... Higher, daddy. Higher. Hit my head on the tiles.

It's like not the place to go on somebody's shoulders. Nah, it's not at all. Cathedral ceilings in the bathroom. Well, you were wealthy, right? We did well off. Yeah, you did well. We had a high bathroom. But, um... No, but? We did well off. Yeah, you did well. We had a high bathroom. But no, all joking aside,

I think... You're really worried about that. I think you need therapy. If you showered with your dad and you saw his pee-pee all the time. Why do you keep squeezing all the time in there? Because it sounds like it was frequent. No, I'd be lying.

All right, we'll move to something more important thank you so much what's next for you in 2019 what do you think is coming up for you um i'm gonna keep getting better i'm gonna do the real grown-up comedian thing which is you travel on the weekends and you try to so you're gonna get on the road yeah i mean i've been doing like one-off thing like i'll go to nashville and i'll have a good show. Are you doing rock shows or comedy clubs? Either comedy clubs or places like theaters that I can rent and fill with people. Like small theaters. How many seats? Like 150 to 200.

Sometimes I play rock venues and those are fun as fuck. Yeah? People standing? Yeah, man. People kind of love it. Standing for an hour of comedy? Yeah. They don't get talky at the

end they love it they're kind of i feel like they're more involved i think they can get more sleepy and lazy when they're sitting down for some reason i mean i love traditional comedy clubs don't get me wrong but i'm just saying sometimes rock venues are fucking dope it depends on the culture yeah it depends on the culture in the city in the town and like the makeup of what's going on there um i played a rock venue in chicago this last time we sold out two fucking big ass bonker shows and people fucking loved it you do crazy good in chicago because that's my hometown player yeah it's my favorite people on earth if i could play there the rest of my life i would every single day you know i live out here but i chicago people are the best they they get it they fucking you know i'm being so biased obviously there's a bunch of markets i love but

home chicago's cool as shit. Chicago's great because the people don't take themselves that serious. I think they have all been through enough when they get dirtier, harder, coarser jokes and they just know it's not for real. They know whenever I joke about shit that comes off a certain way

that other cities might go, ooh, I don't know. What do they think about that? It's like, oh, shut the fuck up and enjoy it. Shut up and enjoy it. It's a joke. At the end of the know, it's like, oh, shut the fuck up and enjoy it. Shut up and enjoy it. It's a joke. At the end of the day, like, it's all over. We're going to die and this doesn't mean anything.

Like, we might as well have a funny rhetoric about it while we're here. We might as well talk shit, you know? Stop policing everybody. Stop. Yeah, dude. I mean, be conscious. Like, don't be a piece of shit on purpose. But, you know, have fun.

Fuck off, you know? I think the intention's real important. If you go out with the intention to, like people or be or be uh like controversial because you know it does well right like shock comedy that's stupid yeah there's a lot of shock comedy on the internet that bothers me right now it's just stupid and it's really bad you know like world star hip-hop puts up some fucking dog shit of people that like run public pranks that aren't even funny. By the way, if you're gonna do a fucking prank,

make it funny. Like there's this little guy on there that's a, he's a little person and he goes, and he like was in Wendy's or some shit or In-N-Out

and he like got 10 shakes and then he just spills them. I don't like that. Yeah, but you're a fucking asshole. My friend made a video, I love him so much. My friend made a video. I love him so much. My friend made a video where they went

and they were just like annoying in a grocery store. No. And I was like, dude, there's like late teen, early 20s and like elderly people who have to like make that right afterwards. Just because you're like, I don't know. How old are these people that made that video? Late 20s, early 30s. Too fucking grown, dudes early 30s fucking grown

dude you're too fucking if you're 12 and 13 with your friends and you're doing dumb shit yeah okay dude they're kids they shouldn't but they're fucking kids yeah yeah yeah but i see these people like on world star that they put on some of these idiots and and they do dumb shit like that and it ain't funny bro no it ain't somebody's funny somebody's just trying to make like an honest living well so no I'm a troll sometimes with that shit so I'll comment on the world star page

when I see that video and I go this is such fucking dog shit garbage or seriously I'm dead serious or I'll comment I can't believe

how funny this is oh my god lololol no this is dog shit garbage it sucks dude it's fucking like dog shit garbage would be a good dog shit garbage we'll make it whiskey ginger dog shit garbage. It sucks dude. It's fucking like dog shit garbage

would be a good dog shit garbage. We'll make it whiskey ginger dog shit garbage shirts. That's good. So you're going to get better you're going to get stronger you're going to make fun of your stuff

and you're going to get on the road so people can see you they can go to mikefellzone.com Yes. And they can track you down. Yes. And support you. I want my fans to support you

I want your fans to support me. That'd be great. We'll cross pollinate. Yeah. I'm always talking about you on different podcasts. Whenever we talk about like, you know,

you get the origin story question all the time. How'd you get into? Am I part of your origin story? All the time. Who else is your, an influence for you? Um, when I was real little,

I used to watch VHS tapes of like comic relief and all that shit. Fucking love Robin Williams and Billy Crystal and all that shit. And then when I was in college, like I dane cook like everybody came around and then i was lucky enough that fucking chapelle came to our college yeah and that was fucking awesome so dope and uh and then when i was old enough to understand like how comedy worked or whatever i would be you know doing this youtube stuff and me me and my friend Steve had our own studio. This is the one I talk about all the time. And I would just, you know,

we love that we had the studio and he was doing photography. I was doing all this video stuff. And then every night after we were done with everything, we would like smoke or whatever and just watch standup videos on whatever. Who was the one you went back to the most? It was you and Chris D'Eia was a lot oh that's nice man chris ali is one of those ones where it's like and this is something that like i don't like and i wish i could fast forward past is like you know how when you you're trying to find your voice

and then you find like your influences you emulate you slowly shed your influences and then you're who you are yeah that's like i just want everyone else even a hint of everyone else out of me so i could well that's good you should i mean that's you know yes i don't remember who said it but they but um i think there was an old mixtape i had about curtis mayfield about not listening to he was talking about not listening to other musicians because you find their stuff in your stuff i mean a million musicians have said that but i remember he specifically was talking about that on this old mixtape

that I had gotten years and years ago. But I was fascinated with that because I was always such a fan of comedy. But now I do watch a lot less. I watch a lot of live comedy of friends.

Do you watch it when you're at the store and stuff? Yeah, I'll watch some buddies. It depends on who it is or it depends on if I have to go to another set or something.

But you know who I watch the most? I have a VHS tape of Nick Swartzen's Comedy Central special that to me was one of the funniest half hours I'd ever seen in my entire life and I watch it over and over and over because it was so good but luckily I never emulated him at all he was never my style was different than his

yeah just a fan but I was such a fan that was that special I don't remember that Nicholas you're so strong oh my god dude he's he was so he was for me was one of those guys that i was like i always was fascinated the young mitch headberg too well come on and i never i mean everyone he's the king dude people say this a lot but imagine if he was like around with twitter yeah dude i don't know you know that's like what would what would farley be doing if he was around you know and and then the the real answer is probably movies with kevin hart you know what i mean like he'd probably be

fucking mega mega mega famous yeah would you still be in love with him i think so i hope so so any of those guys like i don't know what they'd be fucking up to you never know you know like would tupac still would tupac be making mumble rap uh maybe because that's what's going on i don't know man i mean fucking you know like maybe i don't know you know what i mean but but i think that like i think when legends die young they're supposed to die i know that sounds bleak but i think they were supposed to because we're not it does kind of make their star real bright yeah well we're not legends and we never will be so we'll probably live to be like a hundred well never you say never but never say never Justin Bieber

but I just did Mike I want to thank you so much for coming on the pod this was fun I can't wait to salvage this video yeah dude

you're going to have to do some fucking major Frankensteining we'll make it better can you I mean not this but for the future we'll make that

oh Mark I love you we're having fun I love you too bye thanks for everything. Whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk. You are that creature in the ginger beard.

Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers.