Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Mike Feeney

Episode Date: December 26, 2025

Andrew Santino sits down with comedian Mike Feeney for a sharp, funny conversation about stand-up, writing jokes that actually work, life on the road, and the quiet insanity of being a comic in 2025. They talk about finding your voice, tightening material, dealing with bad sets, and why simplicity usually beats trying to be clever. It’s a comic-to-comic episode — honest, funny, and loaded with shop talk. 🎤 Follow Mike Feeney:Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/mikefeeneyyYouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@mikefeeney In this episode:• Mike’s approach to writing and refining jokes• Touring stories, bad rooms, and learning what not to do• Santino and Mike break down what makes stand-up actually hit• Why comedy careers are rarely linear — and never calm Drop a comment with your favorite moment from the episode. #WhiskeyGinger #AndrewSantino #MikeFeeney #ComedyPodcast #StandUpComedy #PodcastClips #Comedians ======================================================= Sponsor Whiskey Ginger: https://public.liveread.io/media-kit/whiskeyginger SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS HIMS 100% ONLINE TREATMENT ⁠https://hims.com/whiskey⁠ ======================================================== Follow Andrew Santino: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ https://twitter.com/CheetoSantino Follow Whiskey Ginger: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeygingerpodcast https://twitter.com/whiskeygingerpodcast Produced and edited by Joe Faria https://www.instagram.com/itsjoefaria Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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What I'm I, Whiskey, Ginger fans. Welcome back to the show. It's your first time joining the show. Welcome to the show. We got a good one for you today. Like my man, Steve Harvey Duncee. Do me a favor. Leave a comment down below for the Algo Rhythm. Next year is a big year for the whiskey ginger. We're expanding. Hopefully we're getting bigger and better guests. Comment down below who you want to see on the show. Also, I'm running around the country. Come see me. Andrew Santino.com for those tickets. I'm in Windsor, Ontario, Canada. Bethlehem, PA, Hanover, Maryland, Borgata, Atlantic City, New Jersey. Then I'm at Valley Center, which is basically down by San Diego at the Harris. Then I'm in Canyonville, Oregon, Las Vegas, and then the Little Roadie Fest in Providence, Rhode Island. And also, we're going to be putting up the tickets for Netflix as a joke with me and Bobby Lee coming up soon. Go to Andrew Santino.com for those tickets. Andrew Santino.com. In here, we pour whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk. You were that creature in the ginger beard.

Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Ginger's a fugitive. You want me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Ginger's, oh, hell now. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Jr. My guest today is one of my favorite people on Earth. I say that from my guest's what I mean once again today. It is the return of Mike Feeney. Hey, how are you? Whenever I hear your name Feeney, whenever I hear Feeney, who do I think of? What do I think of?

I think you're older than the Boy Meets World Principle Generation. I would think that maybe you go, do you go, but you're not old enough for Laverne and Shirley Feeney. That's right. I'm not Laverne and Shirley Feeney. Yeah, so you're in that. middle period. No, Mr. Feeney, boy meets world. You do think boy meets world? I know of the show. Right, but you didn't like, I didn't grow up with it. Exactly. And what are you trying to say? You're

younger than me? Yeah, I'd say so. Just because you're young and handsome. This guy, I said this to Feeney before we started the show and this is what pisses me off about him. Well, I mean, there's a lot of stuff. But I go, you're the only guy I know that had a kid and got better looking. Like, you've, you look happier and better than you did before you got married and had a kid. You were ugly and horrific and slovenly. Ugly on the inside and outside. And outside. But now, You're the only guy I know that has a young child, but you only have one. Yep, that's the key. Are you done?

That's the key. I think so. At least for now. I'll come over and root you guys on if you want to go for another one. Go, go, go, go, go, pump, pump, pump. Can we get him out of here? He's really annoying. It's like, no, I actually need him, you know?

No, it's, I do feel I'm significantly happier in my day-to-day life post-kid for sure, but I've also just been, like, exercising for the first time on. consistent basis. How many days a week? Every day. Every day for like over, every day since January 12th, I think. No way. Yeah. And it's just little things. Like if I'm on the road and there's no gym here, I just do 100 push-ups, 200 sit-ups, easy, something like that. See, that's smart. I've been doing, this, is this, I'm like, I think I'm starting to realize it's, it's lame. But I'm, I'm rowing at my house. Rowing's great. See, he laughs. You laugh because you're young and you think that's funny? Yeah. No, just because people have

I don't know. It does get a funny reaction. Ro. Yeah. But it's an all full body workout. It's a full body. I did it in college. I did crew in college. But this is why people make fun of me.

See? I knew it. It's lame. You know, but they sent me a machine. The company sent us a machine. And by the way, Bobby's not going to do it. No. So they sent it to us.

They were like, would you use it? And we did an ad for him. And I said, yeah, I think I'd like a row machine. So they built it at my house. Thank you, McCone and Carlos. Shout out the boys. And I love it. I like it a lot.

It kicks your ass. Dude, it's awesome. It's actually great, and I realize why it's problematic, though, why people make fun of it. Who, what villain used it daily, or they would show it sometimes on the show? What villain used a row machine? Well, I'm thinking, I'm going to a different direction, but I'm thinking about the Winklevost twins. Oh, the Winkle Vye. The Winkle Vy. A trade by Army Hammer.

Army Hammer. And then guess who else personalized it? Kevin Spacey and House of Cards! Yes. I hated that heat. So now this is what it is. It's an Army and Kevin Spacey thing. I just want to roam! You got some weird sexual thing that's going to come out in a few years and it's so annoying that it's the row machine. The row machine finds the deviance, I think so. That's the problem.

Damn, dude. Spacey rode in House of Cards, the Winkle Vi. But you were a roer, so you're a creep too. But I did it purely because, and you'll appreciate this, and this kind of a show, I did it pure because the first day of, the first Friday of college, my roommate and I went out to go drink and the crew, the upperclassman crew team took us out, court, like bought us drinks the whole night, got us absolutely hammered, and that was their way of recruiting us. And I was like, yeah, sure, I guess I'll wake up at five in the morning every day and like be puking, stepping on geese shit. I hated it. But I was, I was in decent shape. But now I'm in,

and then I eventually, I had to get, I would have had to get knee surgery. And that The doctor literally went, you can get knee surgery so you can keep doing crew, or you can just stop doing crew. I was like, it was a snap moment where I went, oh, I never, I never even liked crew. I don't even know why I'm doing this. Yeah, absolutely, I quit. I quit. Wait, what's wrong? Knees, it's bad on your knees?

Oh, it's so bad on your knees because you're just, you're exploding, your feet are strapped in and you're exploding backwards with your legs over and over again. It doesn't hurt my knees. You've got to find, well, that's great. I will, but it doesn't now, and that's good. I do picture you was like a runner, though. I picture you running around the neighborhood. Well, I ran for years. So I ran for years, you know, I've told this story too much.

I used to run. I used to run like five miles every other day or so. I loved running. But then my back and my knees and stuff, that's the worst for you. And I ran in high school. But you never see someone who's a runner who's in great shape. You ever? I would argue even worse shape as bikers.

I always see people on a bike that are like, they're just, they're blobby. Their legs are great and the top is terrible. But in runners, they burn off also the muscle, so they become. come these gaunt, kind of weirdly skinny type of people. I just did with every other white guy. So what are we supposed to do? Just push metal? I think that's a part of it. And then, I think body weight stuff is huge. Yeah, that's actually better than pushing metal.

Yes, and then yoga. I also, I'm just, you know, every white guy in his 30s, and it's a comedy, a comedian, I do jujitsu. That's what I was my thing. You do? Five days a week. No way. I do it. I can't do that. I can't. I didn't think I could do it. It was literally an excuse because I hate the gym, and I wanted to, I hate working out. I hate pushing metal. So I was like, let me just find something that's different. There was a place two blocks from my house that's kind of like a world-class place. So I go, let me try that out. And then it kind of became fun because it is a full, you know,

you're, it's kind of fun. I've never been in a position in my life where I'm choking people out. And it feels, you know, it feels nice. It feels nice. But you're also rolling around sweaty with another guy. Well, sure, of course. And I'm not trying to like demean it. I just, it's, it sounds lame. I don't like that. Well, it's an incredibly homoerotic experience. Yeah. And even That's one of my favorite parts of me. I know. That's why you're so happy. Even if you take away all that stuff, because I'm not trying to make fun of it for the sake of like, oh, you're rolling with a guy.

I don't want to roll and wrestle with someone. I don't want to be wet with someone. Well, this, that's, so there's two different kinds. You got the ghee, which is where you're wearing the robes, and then you got the no ghee, which is just like, you know, spandex, essentially. And I don't like the no ghee because it's that. It's so sweaty. And people are pouring sweat on top of you, and everyone's slippery.

I like the ghee. I like grabbing something and choking somebody with the robe. That's where I. That's where I fucking dry, dude. Something's wrong. It feels great. That's really what it is. Something's deep and dark and wrong.

So what, five days a week you're working out? How many days a week are you having a little bit of sauce? I'll have a drink a night usually. Like a cocktail, you know? That's that good Irish boy staying inside of you. Yeah, dude. I can't get rid of that. But I work out every day so that I can enjoy my life.

I'll eat ice cream. I'm not, I'm not, there's no diet. I eat somewhat clean, but I indulge with ice cream and alcohol. See, because of your lineage, because of Irish, history that's in your blood, you're built to have more garbage in you and filter it out quicker because you had to. We have to.

Yeah, it's not. There was no choice. I mean, look at this kid. He eats like shit and he's still skinny. You eat, he eats like shit. How young are you? 26. Pisses me off. But he eats you bullshit. All day, all the time. Skinny is a real. I mean, yes, that will change by 35. Yeah. Well, that was what my dad. My dad

used to be like my size and then when he hit 35, he just, now he's like 260 of just, you know, Santa. stomach, but he never exercised and drank Budweiser's whole life. But heavy's his whole life. So it's like, of course. That's a man's beer. Of course. He, my, you're a Mikalob ultra guy. By the way, dude, this year, I started drinking the Ultras. I knew it, dude. I knew it. I could smell it on you. I said, he's too clean, man. Dude, I did the whole, listen, I did the whole craft beer, triple IPA. I did all that shit in the, in the 2000s and I got it out of my

system. Now, if I never have another IPA, I'm fine. Give me a nice, give me a high, give me a high life. Give me a Mickelope Ultra. My dad is such a good drinker. Him and his buddies, this is how much they drank. He memorized the entire, on the bud can. There's that, like, this is the famous, but yeah, it's like a three-paragraph thing. He recites, he can recite it to this day, and it would be like a drinking game. Anytime they messed it up, they had to drink for it. Your dad is cool. I want to meet your dad. Yeah, he's a good guy. How old do you know? 37. Yeah, it's sneaking, dude. You smell 40. It's going to be a different world for you, But again, I don't drink. I can't remember the last time I was drunk. Like, I just kind of, I'm like, I'll make a, like, I, I drink in moderation now. Like, I'll have, I'll make a cocktail. I'll make a margarito, I'll make a martini, you know, something like that. You don't have one extra one, though.

Sometimes I do, and I'll feel like a little, I can't remember the last time I had a hangover, because I think that's also the kid regulates that where I go, if I, if I get blasted, it's going to be the next, my next days. But the kid's not here, so now you're free. Yeah, yeah, yeah, tonight's going to be a problem. You're going to be a bad boy. Yeah, yeah, for sure. Absolutely. It's going to be, tomorrow's a waste. Dude, you reminded me of, like, because you turned me on to, when I did Zanis in the fall, you told me to go to Vivette's afterwards, and I did one show there, sold it out, just a one night. It felt so good about myself, went to the Bavet by myself, got a fucking rib-eye this big, garlic mashed potatoes, dirty martini, and just sat there, and then there was, you know, a gay guy next to me who was super interested,

who's date canceled on him, so he bought me a second martini, and I was like, look at us. Did you go home with that guy? No, he was, he was angling for it, but I just took the free drink. It was like, thanks so much for the conversation. Now you feel like a hot woman, finally. Take the drink and move on. I finally get it. I finally get it.

That's one of my favorites, one of my favorite spots in Chicago. Everyone always says Gipsons, but that's... Gipsons. Everyone says Gipps. Get gone. Get gone. Get gone, Gipsons. Look, I like the Peter Lugers of Chicago is Gipsons. That is correct.

Overrated, overrated, overrated, overrated. Peter Lugar, overrated, overrated, overrated. My God, we went there. Me and O'Connor went there when he was still living in New York, and I was like, dude, this is not what I thought it was going to be. The whole part of a steak house is supposed to be that the staff is excellent quality.

And Peter Lugers has this, we don't need you, you need us kind of energy, which is like, first off, no, secondly, don't cut my steak for me. I don't like that. Don't cut my fucking steak for me. Sorry. What did you cut the steak for me?

Am I not a man? You think I'm a line, you wrong? You think I'm a little tiny. slice says you give me a baby fork put on a bib no I don't like that they cut your shit for you just let me cut it I'll do it it's fine yeah no you know

I think Gibson's is good Chicago cut like these places are all great sure I like Bevats because it feels like a it feels like you're in a time machine a little bit you go in there it's dark it's very like sultry it's sexy that the bar is fantastic that's it's a fantastic little like

it feels like where you'd go to have a drink and a steak And that's what I like when I go home. It's one of my favorite stopovers. I just did it too. It was a perfect Chicago day. And also that was the day of the Chicago Marathon. So it was like the perfect Chicago. I got the entire Chicago experience in one day.

And yeah, and that club is so funny. It's so funny, I'm like while I'm on stage multiple times. It was just like siren screaming by. Oh, yeah, yeah. Just like I opened. There was a stabbing a block away. Sure. I mean, it's great club.

Everyone goes, Zanies, Old Town. Well, Old Town, Wells. And that's, what a historic street of fun and partying, by the way. because if you keep going up north up there, you can run into Second City. I mean, everything up there is like... And, man, if you are on the prowl to go have a drink in night, the bar's up and down there,

you can go get... You can have yourself a ton. You can have a tough, tough go. What's the name of the one there? There's one right across the street from there. I think... Is it still there? It's called...

Not Tap House. Hold on. God, my brain is... I think I can picture... Wait, wait, wait. There's one called... It's to the right when you go across the street. street to the right. Yeah, what is that called? I could see it. Oh, he's going to kill me, too. It's across the street from Zanis. He's got it. He's got it right

now. Old Town Oil? Yeah, old. What is it? Old Town Oil? No, not Old Town Oil. That's Four Nett. No, no, no, no, no. Did you have any I have to look it up now? Across the Zany's on Wells. It's across the street. Zany's Chicago. Zany's Chicago. I need to do it. Hold on. He's flat? No, it's like a... Hold on. It's a big... Yeah, Woody's Flat is there, but hold on.

on, LG's bar, the VIG? No, yeah, I know. We're meandering. I'm sorry. It's okay. Now, this is what happened. We can cut this out in post. No, no, leave it in. Well, Cochran's up the street is great. The most popular thing in podcasting is saying, we'll cut this out, and no one has ever cut anything out of anything. And they shouldn't.

No. Leave it in. There are people that you and I both know and love who, they'll do the podcast, and afterwards, they'll text you, be like, you got it. Can you just get that out of it? You got that out of here. I don't feel comfortable. If they said something real out of pocket. Of course.

Yeah. But I also think like if you're doing that, don't say it on a pocket. Don't say it into a microphone with cameras and lights or all. You know this. This isn't an elevator conversation. You weren't wiretapped. I saved you last time you did this show. Remember that?

Van McCone can vouch. He did like a three-minute N-word rant. Do you remember that? He did the Kramer rant verbatim. He did it verbatim. That was quoting it and that was in a performative way. It's like how you can smoke cigarettes on stage because it's a performance piece. Right.

Chappelle. That is the greatest whole. Chappelle was like it. performance. And he did it in a Chinese accent, though. Yeah, you did to the end of the Chinese. That was wild. That was because Bobby was there. I wanted to make him feel comfortable, which he hated. What did you, what did you pull in there with? Was that a drop-top Mustang? It was a drop-top Mustang convertible. Hot boy. Hey, listen, sometimes... Honestly, you got to do that when you rent a car. You've got to get

a funny car. Now, by the way, a Malibu is not fun. No. And I, and I will say it was pure chance because I got, I got upgraded when I got there. So that was nice. But they go, they go, do you want a convertible for the same price? I go, do I? And then they go, you can have the white Mustang convertible, or you can have the fire engine red, and I'm like, we're going to get a Mustang. Got a get it. I'm going to get a Mustang. You got yourself a black Mustang? Yeah. I will say this, though, from a guy who does not own a convertible normally, boy oh boy, driving from L.A.X to to West Hollywood with the top down doing

17 miles an hour on the highway it feels like you're sitting in a skillet because it's just black leather interior get that out of there don't make it that I'm just I'm just cooking my right here on my thighs are both sunburned just from just direct overhead sun

scorching no place to go and then you can't put the top up because you have to pull over on the side of the road and you have to put the car in park in order for it come up. Is it automatic or it's handheld? It's you have to do it by hand. No, no, you press the button, but it won't go up unless the car's in park.

It always fascinates me when they have like newer cars that you still have to automatically. Like there's a, Porsche came out with a, and look this up, this is crazy. Porsche came out with, this is new. I like they say Porsche by the way. It is Porsche. I know, but it's like, you know, a lot of things are a lot of things. You know what I mean? You could say Parmesan Regiano, but you know, you're not saying that.

Portaday, yeah. Exactly. Porsche came out with a car that you, it still has a. manual uh closed roof where you physically still have to like click clack let's latch oh to get it on and off what is it called I don't remember if it's an it maybe it's the 718 it could be this it is right the 718 was I right yeah yeah the 718 they still have you physically still manual click in which I think they came back out with because it used to be automatic

but I remember seeing it on one of these car shows that I like and I was like dude you gonna pay that kind of money and you it doesn't do it by itself yeah and then that's like one more piece I could break and then you You're like, come on. It reminds me the Seinfeld episode with a sob, the drop-top sob. Oh, dude. By the way, I had a sob. That was my second car.

My first car was a 1988, Bewick Skyhawk. And then my dad had the sob that was, he bought used, and it was just nothing but problems. And then he gave it to me, because I totaled the other one. And then I totaled that car as well. But that car spent so much time. That car spent more time on the back of a flatbed than it did with either of us driving. You totaled two cars? Well, the first one was like, it was like, a, it was like,

kind of, the first car wasn't total totaled, but it was just such an old car that we'd, I didn't want to, I think it was like the brakes went and I got, oh, you didn't hit anything. No, well, I did hit something. I hit a school bus for a time. A school bus hit me. It was like a, I was going to, I was going to, we both

were coming around to turn and a school bus. Literally, I was picking up my friend to go to school, and the sun went right directly in our eyes, like morning sun, so I couldn't see. And I was, you know, it's a beater car, so I'm grinding the hubcaps against the curb because I couldn't see, and then I felt this big impact, and we hit this bus

that had children on it and stuff, and they were, and then the bus driver didn't get out, and my buddy was in the front seat with me. His dad is a cop, and he's like, if they don't get out, you don't have to get out. And I went, oh, really? And then so we both just sat there and kind of like this Mexican standoff for a while, and I looked, and then the bus driver just kind of like waved their hand, and he's like, oh, they're waving you off. You're good. I went, okay. So I just drove away to school. Leaving the scene of an accident with children. The next day, when I was in school, two plain-closed detectives showed up to my house. Shut up.

Charged me with leaving the scene of an accident. Yeah, like all of these, like a litany of crime. Thankfully, the bus driver was like an illiterate, you know, bus driver, and they had, and they got the story. It was all wrong. They said there were four people in the car. There was a woman in there. It was all these different things. So it got dismissed, thank God.

But it would have been, it would have been bad. And then the second one, you know, I just would preface it by saying, Fast and the Furious was at a cultural peak at the time so drag racing and street racing was very big and my friend had a Camaro but I had this I had this sob turbo and I was like this car's faster than your car and so we tried to do a live our life a quarter mile at a time and I was an automatic and I was just redlining it in neutral for I mean probably ten full seconds of redlining it in neutral again my friend I kind of blame my friend for this because he was the one that was going to drop his hands down but he was it was free And so he was like shivering, but I thought he was about to drop his hand because he was doing this the whole time. And so I'm like, and then I dropped it in. And one of the heating pins got so hot that when I dropped it into drive, it shot out and exploded my entire transmission casing. Like the metal casing of the car exploded and there was just metal chunks all over the ground. And we were in this abandoned sort of, you know, parking lot, not parking lot, but like one of those studio parking lot areas where the office park.

And, you know, my dad was like, what happened in the car? I'm like, I don't know. I just, I tried to put it in drive in the middle of this office park at 11 at night. And it, yeah, and so that got totaled pretty bad. I love how you said that all bus drivers are illiterate. My bus driver fan base is going to be pissed off about that. Don't think I let that go. Don't think that I didn't.

You know, bus driver is illiterate. And some guy at home like takes off his glasses and he's like, really, Mike Feeney? I had a good, I remember having one, she was a terrific bus driver. She was always very nice, very sweet. Do you remember your bus drivers? I remember one of them was very nice, and I remember the other one was quite literally the bus driver from South Park.

That was like the screaming witch with like a bird in her hair that was being like, shut down and shut the fuck! It was, it was a car, it was perfect time, because I was on the air at the same time. High school was a trip, dude.

You want to talk about a weird car? I used to get picked up by a husband and wife in a station wagon to take us because when we were living in downtown Chicago, the school I went to was just a little bit too far for us to walk, you know, and the buses where they don't, if it's too close, buses won't get yet. Right, right. So they were like, you got to figure it out. You got to walk your kid to school or you got to get them a ride somehow. Sure. So a woman in the building, my mom doesn't

even remember, but a woman in the building had been like, oh, this family uses this, this retiree and his wife, and they drive together. By the way, how clever that the guy who was driving always brought his wife, so it was just like, it's not as creepy, but it still was very creepy. Dude, it was a station wagon. We all just piled into the back of the station wagon. Some people got the bench, if you got it. If not, you jumped in literally the backwards-facing bench? They had that too, right? Yeah, but just open back, though, to the back stage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they would just drive us to school. But if you weren't there on time when he was

this, like, you'd think sweet old man? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. They were always eating and they smelled, and he was very big. And if you weren't there when you were supposed to be there after school, like if the kickball game just got out of control and you needed to stay in it, they would leave and then you'd have to figure out a way to get home. And this is pre-cell phone, pre-fucking, you had to you had to latchkey your way home. I joined a gang. I had to. I didn't have a choice. was I supposed to get home, man? Just you go?

Yeah. By the way, kickball was one of those sports where I was, I was, I remember, I remember thinking this in elementary school, being like, I am going to be a professional kickball player. I didn't know that wasn't a professional sport, and I was like, there's never been anybody better at kickball. I'm kickball. Yeah, yeah, it was very fun. You were good at kickball because you're lanky.

Yeah, it was like a pendulum. You could really turn one on that. Yeah, exactly. You know, it was always funny in kickball because it, someone, you know, you throw a ball to tag someone out, you throw them at the physical person. Right. Someone always got hit in the face and cried, and it became a thing. And it was like, okay, all right, all right, I'm sorry.

And then teacher's like, you can't do that. And you're like, that's the game. Yeah, this is just dodge ball with kicking, essentially. Part of it is hitting someone in the head. Are you aiming for the head? Yes, of course. Sure. That makes a good out.

And we laugh. And then it's, then it like pumps up your team. But it is such an obvious, you're supposed to throw it and hit him. No, you should hit him in the head. Yeah, you got to hit him. You got a head hunt. You really do. You got a head hunt.

When you were a little boy, what would you think your best sport was kickball? Because I got to say... Dodgeball was actually my best. Oh, I was a menace at, uh, at, um, tetherball? Oh, yeah, yeah. With the one going around the pole. Menace. Yeah.

Because I was taller and I could jump higher than a lot of people. That's smart. I would fuck you up. You were not... Also, I, you know, right away. You just keep doing it. Oh, yeah, you do the swoop. Oh, they can't touch it.

Well, come on. We never... Get out of here. We didn't have tetherball on my thing. We had that, it's not even a game. It just, you throw it in. into a coop and it comes out of one of the holes. And then it's like, I don't even know what's the, you just go, there it is.

It's this way now. Goes that way. We had tetherball, but obviously Chicago and then you on the East Coast, we only, you know, we got to play these outdoor games for, you know, what, two months, not even? I mean, it was. Dodge ball was huge, but I promise I never had, I had no arm strength. So I couldn't throw anybody out. All I could do is dodge because I was skinny.

So I was always the last person, like, alive. And then it would just be me dodging balls until I eventually got wailing. And it sounds like you're real adult life as well. Dodging balls until you get wailed. Mike Feeney, enjoy his new special out right now, dodging balls until I get wailed. Come in sleep, dude. We can greet at Bevitz next time on in Chicago.

Hey, I heard about the dodging balls thing. I'm here to buy you a drink. Yeah, I, yeah. Did you have, and I know you had a big rap phase in high school, I assume, right? I did. Yeah, me too. Me too, dude. I had like an embarrassing one.

No, it was all embarrassing. Yeah, yeah. A bunch of white, like suburban band kids? Were you in a freestyle rap group? Wasn't in a group, but I did freestyle rap group. with people. And I'd get, and then, and then it would, then in high school, college, I would get stone and do the freestyle's in somebody's basement. That was like a common, embarrassing thing. Dude, this is, thank God for no cell phones back then. Yes, truly that. I mean,

we were, because this was 2000, let's say 2003, and this was, so I was probably, you know, sophomore, it was right when Get Richard Die Try and came out and Eminem, so it was just like at the end, the height of the M&M's beefs with people and stuff. So I, we were in this group who was just, It was all white guys. We had to have one black guy. It was in the group. But he was also maybe the whitest black guy. But, and I was the, I was just the beat guy for the most part because I played drums so I could just make a physical beat.

And I only made one beat all the time. It was just the grind-in beat by clips. It's the best freestyle. Oh, what a good beat. It's such a good beat. It's one of the best beats of all time. Yeah. And so I would just do that.

And, you know, we named our, we had a whole, it was, it was called choke on it. choke on it because, by the way, and to my, you know, a lot of gay themed stuff coming out of Feeney. No, no. I will say this is coming off, fresh off, the attitude era and the suck it generation. It was, you know, it was of the time right now looking back. Was it our best work? No. But we would, here's the best part about it,

is that we could always just end, if you ran out of what to say in a freestyle, you would just end with choke on it, and it immediately was just, it worked every time. You know, I'd be like, ain't nobody better in a hoodie or a sweater, in any type of weather choke on it bitch and then it would just pot

it would be so great yeah everyone would scream and then one kid one time was like I want to join the choke on it group because then there was like rival ones for him it was so embarrassing

and my and we were like you gotta kind of like sing how do you rush for choke on it you gotta sing for your supper let's see what you got grinding beat comes down let's go bro in front of everybody and this kid dude

I'm not making stuff he laid down one of these like yo mama style free styles that was so good He became instantly the best person in the group, and he was like the closer. Like every time we would do it in front of other people, he would do the same rap, and it would murder every time. And I still remember it to this day. And then, so, okay, so he would go, it would go, and I got something to, I'll tell you about this afterwards.

But he would go, you know, you go, your mama so fat, how fat is so big and fat that she could get busy with 22 burritos when times get rough. I've seen that bitch and Taco Bell in handcuffs. and ask that. Your mama smoked crack. She got burning urine and there's no turning back. Knuckles dragged down to the ground when she walks. Spick comes out that bitch's mouth when she talks. Choke on it, bitch.

It would fucking kill. Every time people were like, where did you come up with that? And all of us were we would repeat it. And for years, it was like a thing in our friend group. Fast forward to three months ago. He's in jail. This was 2003. Fast forward to three months ago.

I'm at the gym in a hotel on the road I'm working out I get into I got I went down a real the far side rabbit hole right and I'm listening I'm the middle of bench press and as I'm bench pressing this song comes on

called your mama it was word for word that thing that whole thing it's the far side it's the far side nobody knew a 1992 rap in 2003 as a high school kid we weren't we weren't that bad But this one kid, this little fucking hack, sneak, theft, plagiarizer, came in, presented this as his own, just added choke on it. He's like, Vanilla Ice being like, I didn't steal under pressure.

I just, did ding, ding, ding, like that. And I texted all of my friends the song, I go, that I haven't, some of them I haven't even talked to since high school. I go, dude, look at that, look at this. And all of them had no idea. And it feels like my whole childhood was a lie now. Well, it was. It was. Wait until you figure out that Santa isn't fucking real.

Blow your mind, dude. Everything was a lie. This bastard. What is he doing now, this guy? I don't know. Here's the thing. No one can pin down who was the, we're like, what was that kid's name? And we're like, I can't remember the kid's name who did it.

Because you're like, think about a kid that's listening to the far side. It's such a genius thing. Like, let me take a rap from 15 years ago that no one's going to know. And I'll say, and it's like a deep cut. It's not even like one of their main songs. And it was good for that kid. That was pretty clever. It was such a good rock.

Survival technique for him. He wanted to be a part of suck it and what he needed to steal. Dude, when I was listening to it. Or gag on it. What is it? This is how in denial... No, no, suck on it. No, no, choke on it.

Sorry, choke on it. My bad. A little respect. A little respect, if you will. Suck on it so crass. Choke on it, please. In here, we pour whiskey. Confident shouldn't be complicated, guys.

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and subscription plan. Feature products include compounded drug products, which the FDA does not approve or verify for safety effectiveness or quality. Prescription required see website for details, restrictions, and important safety information. I like cinters. When I heard that rap, I was in such denial.

I'm like, did they like hear ours? And they recorded it retroactively. Right. How did the Farside steal that from Alex? From 12 years later. Then how did they... Farside, though. Great reference to that group.

Unbelievable. So good. Love the far side. Yeah, I got into a lot of those types of... I mean, I was always into people that introduced me. I think we talked about like Sage Francis before. Love Sage. One of the best.

Shout out Sage. He was great. Still is. I met him before. He was nice. Him and I, we made a vine together after one of his shows, one time at the knitting factory in Brooklyn, because Vine was big. He was actually doing funny stuff on Vine. That was like the first social media thing that I got a little bit of a following on. Paul Francis. Can you name his alter ego? I thought it was Sage Francis. No, but he has another name. I mean, you know, another pseudonym that he went by. What was it?

Zolzan. I don't remember that. Yeah, this is a deep cut shit. That's like really, that's really digging if you, if you really were a fan. Sea lion. So you did a fucking vine with him. Zolzanne. You know what's so funny.

You know how powerful Sage Francis was? The song. Makeshift Patriot? Yes. Did I tell you the story already? No. I just fucking know. Oh, you knew what I was going to say?

No, I don't. God, what grade was I in? Maybe a political science class or some bullshit like that. But I really. read I read that the lyrics to that two class

and my teacher was kind of like a rad younger dude and he was like all fucking about it because the lyrics to that are incredible and like I remember so vividly hearing it for the first time and how good he was at articulating

something without without being so on the nose about it when he says that's exactly what the attack when a typically dark skin Disney villain use civilians against civilians and drive the Trojan horses and to our buildings. And imagine saying that to a group of kids in high school.

Yep. Like saying a, and they were all like, Who wrote that? Is that a poet? But obviously, I'm not claiming it as my own, but I was like, this is a song by this guy, Sage Francis, who a lot of my classmates had, no fuck. I mean, there was a group of hip-hop heads

that I went to school with that, like, in my friend group that we all loved it. Like, my buddy Tyler and I were, like, hip-hop nerds. But, like, you know, reading that to a class of kids, they were like, who is this fucking guy that you're saying? But when I read the lyrics to that song, I remember how hard it, like, hit people. were, by the way, this is also

because 9-11 had just happened. And is my senior year of high school maybe? And I remember how like heavy that was for people like, wow, that's a pretty powerful thing to sing about. Yeah. Given the circumstances of it, and it's very articulate. You know what I mean? He was always, he was so articulate that when you listen to, you

know, he's not one of those rappers. I love that, yeah. Like, there's not one of those rappers where you go like, what is he saying? Like, oh, you can clearly he his dictation was very good. Unbelievably. Slow down Gandhi. All they say, yeah, it was great. Oh, yeah, dude. Healthy mistrust. Who did you love the most that had the least articulate lyrics

where you're like I don't really I can't really understand every word I mean obviously like I'm thinking of someone right now was always No I'm thinking about in the underground world like that Like in the more of the independent world I mean I remember like who's the like atmosphere

A sop Rock Aesop Rock Was 100% the most confusing Unintelligible And I loved him And he's very he's very smart Sure But like that was one where I legitimately

Like I would listen to it over and over and over and over again in the car and still not understand what he was fucking saying. Like, what is the? Daylight. Daylight was one of my favorite songs. You just have your own version of what that song is, and you're embarrassed to sing it.

My mom does this all the time, where she'll sing a lyric to a song and I'll go, that's not what they're saying. And she's like, shut up, who cares? Do you know what I mean? She does that. I like that. I love that response. She's right, but I'll hear my mom sing a popular song. But the song, Daylight. Play the beginning of daylight. We'll cut this out because we can't use it. Look at this. There we go. Classic cut it out.

Do you want me just to read it? Yeah. Let me, let me try to... Oh, this will be good. Let me try to guess what he's saying. There we got. Okay, ready? Now we got ourselves a thing. Poke one at me shackle me. Right? No?

Kind of. What is it? Put one up for shackle me not. What? See? Put what? Say that again? Put one up for shackle me not. Uh-huh. Pro-clean logic. Wait, procreation?

Clean logic. Clean logic, procreation. Clean logic procreation. I did not invent the wheel. I was a crooked spoke adjacent. Mm-hmm. That one's pretty. Well, the other... Well, the other...

Hold on. Pokemon. I was not invented wheel. I was the crooked spoke jason. Well, the other lassoes... Fuck, what is it? Well, the triple six's lassoes keep angels roped in the basement. I walk around the block with the halo poking your patience.

Walk around with the block with a stick poking your patience. I walk the block with a halo on a stick poking your patience. like poking your patience. Yeah, see, I couldn't remember it as clean as I could. Isn't that fucking well? It's so good. It's so fun when you have like,

you just hear that thing. He's fucking brilliant. And you just go, Arno, what are you saying? But I love it. Like, I'm catching every fourth word. And you're like, oh, I bet if I knew all that this would be sick.

But we used to sing it, like me and my buddy Baldino, we would sing it. We didn't, I mean, I knew we knew pieces of it unless we looked up the book. Dude, I was going to say, remember they had the liner notes. Some places had lyrics. Can you imagine if we had the Spotify karaoke version?

Like, you know, how they have like the lyrics come up and they highlighted karaoke style. You go, if we had that as kids, it would be insane, you know? That Ellen bit would never have been popular. Remember that Ellen bit about words? No. It was like, off her, wasn't a big Allen fan, never liked Ellen. When she left the country, I feel like I did that.

That was me. She used to have that. It was like one of her classic, classic Ellen bits, you know. Or being mean to staff members? Bullying staff members. Bullying people making 30 grand a year? Where's my fucking coffee? Oh, I can't pay rent.

Fuck you. So you do know the bet. She has that, she'd have that bit about being like when you sing the wrong lyrics and you get corrected and how embarrassing it is. If you go like, you go, monkey hatchet. And they go, that's not what they're saying. And they go, what? He goes, oh, does she have it? Oh, sorry.

I thought it was monkey hatchet. And the bit goes on and on. Yeah, I get it. There's a lot of, it's a lot of performance. Although you look like a lesbian, you don't do lesbian. be in material well, Feeney. I don't know what that is. Dude, you know what, though? I remember, maybe it was college, but a girl was singing, I'll never be your pizza burner. And I was like, what? Are you saying pizza

burner? And my buddy Colin remembers, she was so embarrassed. She was like, no, I mean, I don't know, whatever the fuck it is. That's just the worst. When someone asks you that question and the tone like that and you lose all confidence and everything. Oh, but also, the name of the song is beast of burden It's not even where it's like It's not even Pro Clean Logic creation Drup the triple six It's not like embedded in all

The name of the song is fucking beast of birds Couldn't be more clear And she was so mad like The moment of the fuck you got That's not funny It's not funny It's not funny to be mean about it And you're like come on dude

It's who cares Oh did I share it on the fucking The Stevie Wonder thing Did I sell that before? Yeah we said that yesterday Oh my God Damn Sounds great

No no no but no it was just We were at this thing with a restaurant with a friend and this woman who was you know like a you didn't know maybe I didn't did I not to share it you didn't we talked about it off camera let's get in we were at a birthday thing in this woman who is a friend of a friend who I didn't know and it's this guy's date and uh this guy's very like this kind of guy so you know what kind of date he had you understand what I'm saying

like my wife was like I wonder if I should wear this to the restaurant is it classy enough as I know and then we got there I was like well that girl's pussy's out so I think you're going to be fine yeah and this girl is sitting at the table and of course someone at the table was like Stevie Wonder right there and I'm like no way it's like Stevie Wonder and I turn around Stevie fucking Wonder and like two people next to him and he's just like kind of standing there and this girl catches wind she's like this Russian woman she's like who is that who what where or what and then we go Stevie fucking wonder is right there she goes what really and

the table they start walking behind our table she turns waves to him hilarious I go lady unbelievable and so we all start laughing and she's like whoa why why why why and we're like he's blind why is this too funny I go he's not gonna he's not gonna see it and she He goes, oh, how would I know he's blind? I was like, he is the... He's more famous for being blind than anything else. His music is secondary, I would say, to being blind. If you look at Wikipedia, I said, if you opened up Wikipedia to blind, he's got to be the guy.

It's also, if you open up his biography, it's in the first sentence, I would imagine. A blind musician. It might be the first, yeah. Second word. Or just the first one, blind musician. Blind musician famous for, yeah. Yeah, but that, and she didn't take the joke well, but I thought, come on lady, have to laugh. He's fucking blind.

Also, I did like that she waved at him for a second because I thought, if he waves back, we're going to find out something amazing. Or if he just does this, you know? Isn't there a video of him where he, like, catches something? I saw the video, and by the way, they're not unaware of their presence. He's not blind in the dark. He's not black blind, like all the way black blind? What am I? Jesus Christ.

My God. He's white blind, he's not black blind. And black blind is less severe. No, he fucking, so insane. No, I mean, he doesn't see all black. He doesn't see all black. Right. He's not completely blind.

He is vision-impaired. No, no, but they say they can, a lot of people that are blind can see stuff. Like amorphous blobs and all that kind of this stuff. That's what we call his ex-girlfriend, amorphous blob. Why was that not a character in Star Wars? Amorphous Blab? Yeah, just this fucking amoeba-looking thing. I met Mark Hamill the other night when I did when I did TV, which was kind of wild.

That's he doing? He looks very, I feel like he's very short. No, he's not that small. But they prompted me to be like, do you want to talk to Hamel? Like, if he stays, do you want to talk to him on the panel about Star Wars? And I was like, I'm not a fan. I'm not a fan. I'm going to say I'm not a fan. Because I like Star Wars.

Well, it was cool, I guess, when I saw it. But, like, I'm not going to pretend to play catch up with the people that are fans. And Bobby's a big fan. And we fight about it all the time because I always say the woman doing the prompt for Kimmel. She was like, you know, do you have any bits that you'd want to do about that. And I'm thinking about jokes that I would run. And I was like, not really because they'd all be negative. and then Star Wars fans would hate me.

Right. Because the bit I did say, my buddy Adam Lustick and I used to joke, he's like, what's up with making up a whole fake world? This world is pretty fucking crazy already. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because have you ever been to Baltimore?

It's insane. That's... And what was the bar? What's the bar that he always references in fucking Star Wars? Oh, that... Tattoe... Yeah, that's what it was.

People are going to be furious in the comments. That's not the name of the bars. But that's what he said. Lustick was like, Baltimore is Tatooine, dude. That's the most fun. That's the highest... collection of lunatics you've ever seen. The cantina. The canteena and Tatooine. By the way,

should have had a better name, Star Wars, Cantina. You put a Mexican-themed bar at Tatouine. Just chips and salsa on every table. Oh, table-side guac? Huh? In Star Wars, to see like a multi-armed thing making that, that would have been pretty rad. Ceylantro guys. Do we need table-side guac? Do we need it? I think they charge extra for that. Of course they don't need it. Of course they do and it's never ever ever as good you say yes oh I do mean as opposed to regular guac I'm just saying here's why I don't think I need to see you make it table side they do it now as a show I don't think it's necessary and not only that sees your salad at steakhouses you don't need to fucking make it in front of no but here's the

other here's the main part you have no quality assurance if you're in the kitchen every good chef they'll try a little bit of the product and then they go oh actually it's a little too lymie it needs a little bounce out when they make in front of you and they're like yeah they watch you and you're like it's good Like, you know, you go, oh, you, like, what the fuck? But way too much cilantro. It's a whole, it's always, it's always a mess. I disagree with cilantro as an existence as a whole.

I think it's bullshit. I think it doesn't add, it adds nothing. It adds nothing. Salt, salt can bring out what you need out of avocado and, and pico and onion. Lime, you do not need cilantro. I also will say, get the red onions out of there. Get the raw red onions out of there. Now we're, now we're at an impasse.

I love red onions. That's a heart uncooked raw, raw red onions is a heartburn. We're married. We're not kissing anybody but our wives. They could take the onion hit. I don't even care about the breath. It's that I get like adjutant from it. Indigestion.

Yes, I always forget that you're part Jewish. I'm not. Yes, you are. I am not part Jewish. Yes, you are, dude. I am not born out. I get super bad. Jesus, dude.

Relax, Fini. I flip out. I flip the whole table. I'll burn this down. He starts waving a Palestinian flag. He's like, don't tempt me, dude. Don't get me there. I just don't think I need to see stuff made in front of me at the table. They did it, the restaurant the other week.

And I was like, I don't need to see that, man. It's a whole fucking get up. Just make it in the back and I'll eat it when it gets you. Yes. And in the back, you're making in bigger quantities. Again, my thing is just the quality assurance. Well, now we're on the canteen to talk because I am curious about your opinion now. A chunky salsa, soupy salsa, right?

Because some places have soupy salsas, some places have very chunky salsa. It's soupy. Soupy is a very negative connotation. So I think, when you say soupy, I'm thinking of watery. Now, if it has that, like, emulsified blended thing where it's kind of like a thicker. That's what I say when I say soupy. And you're right. I was leading you negatively.

I should have said. Then I prefer the emulsified, nice, thickened a little bit. But if my other option is the watery one, then I want the chunk. Now you've got to have chunk. I think chunk is king. I love chunk. You need both, is my opinion. A salsa verde and a chunk.

Okay, but then we're talking color. Now we're talking green versus red. Green should always be a part. I don't even know how red is green sauce Yes, but it's like a perfect mild little heat Like that should be on every I don't know why red became the go-to

I think we should have This is my okay Slow down You don't like red You're killing them You don't Son of a bitch That's funny

By the way I think you and I How often are you told that you Like are people in your comment Or whatever being like this guy You slow down on coke The amount of times You and I have never done coke in my life You know this I've never done coke

By the way I love saying I've never done coke or Adderall, and the amount of people are like, yeah, fucking, right. I don't know what you want to do. What a weird thing to lie about. Yeah, no, I've done a lot of fucking drugs. I've talked about them on this show a lot. Right. I just am not interested in Coke.

Yeah, it just, the reason I don't, I've never tried Coke. Look at us now. That's why. Yeah, look at us. We're too much. Now, what do you, what do you not try? You'll never try. Your buddies have you've been offered it.

Oh, so many times. But I, my first experience around Coke, I was at a college house party. I was sitting across the, across the couch. It was like, the house party had kind of cleared out. I found myself alone in a room with this guy. He was on the couch, big coffee table in between us. Rutro. His name was Picks, and he was just like a big, kind of like dirty guy.

Yeah. And he lined up just five of fat rails and did all five one by one. And then literally picked his head up and was like, and then just stared at me in silence while like gacking out like this. And then it was like, you want one? And I just was, it was so disturbingly. jarring that I'm like I'm I was also a little stoned at the time so I was extra sensitive to everything and I was probably drunk and I just was like I think you leave the room and I think I'm all set and your parents walk in they pay him they're like thank you that was the best don't do drugs ad we've ever had yeah he's like yeah I'll do whatever people if you want me to quit more coke for more coke for more coke for more coke now I just saw too many my friends on coke and annoy me right like drunk is also very annoying when your friends are too fucked up two stone I've never had a two stone party where I was like that guy's pissing me off if anything I'm like I got to walk I just just want to take a walk for a little while.

But Coke parties, if you're there and a lot of people are doing yacked out, I'm like, dude, shut up, please go away. You're just like, mm-hmm, like they can't wait for you to get done talking, so they're constantly like, mm-hmm, what's going on? No, that's great. Yeah, what's going on? Love that, love that, love that. Love, love that.

Love, love that. Your dad is from there. And you're like, yeah, my dad is from. Why are you, why do you know that? That's a, they do coke and they just start, they know a little bit more about your life than they did before. Well, they just remember things you might have mentioned years ago. It, like, pops into their.

a crevice of their brain that's like, yeah, your brother went to tech for like a year and a half, didn't he? And then he dropped out. Why did he get that job? He was like fishing for scallops? Yeah, dude, that's crazy. Fishing for scallops. You're like, fuck dude, I could, that's, how do you know that? But the amount of times I sat in a garage in high school, smoking

pot with people listening to music, those days I'll never get back. And honestly, I don't want them. Do you have these? I don't want them back. And I'm sure there are for sure this way in L.A. There's some L.A. comics. But there's a couple New York comics, one in particular I'm thinking of And he's one of those things where he goes, very, very sweet guy, very nice. I don't think he, I think he's the most sober I've ever met of someone,

but he just has, he's a guy who we're not friends and he knows too much about me. You know what I'm saying? Like, about my, like, he'll come up to me. I don't even think you would know him, honestly. But he'll come up to me and he'll go, hey, Mike, direct, unflinching, I'm like, Hey, Mike, how are you? How's Leo? Like, I was like, why do you know my kid's name?

We've never, we've, I've never spoken to you about my kid. I don't know. talk about him online it's not like you show your kid online i never put up a picture how would he know that i just heard it through the grapevine summer i guess so but he's always like he it just weirds me out that he knows my kid's name for some reason and again he's a very nice guy but it's so off putting because you're like we're not you should be like how's the how's the family you know or something dark joke dark joke dark joke incoming but also to get him to stop just be like leo died man he'll never talk to you again it's over that guy will be like oh fuck and

you're like thanks a lot dude have a good night man thanks for bringing that up Have a good set. It's a fresh wound. Have a good set, man. Leo's dead. Have a good set. I just start scream crying. I'm not over it. I'm not over it. I'm not over it. By the way, that guy would never talk to you ever again. God, I got it. You have to tell me after. Remember that. Remember.

Of course. Yeah, I guarantee you won't know. I guarantee you won't know. Is your kid going to be a big boy or no? Like what? Size-wise. Is your wife tall? She's tall for a lady. I think she's probably 5-8 or something like that. That's tall for her. That is tall. And you're what? Six-two. Yeah, dude. That's going to be a big boy. Are you prepping him for what sports you want him to play, even though he's not going to do that?

Oh, yeah, already took him to a Yankee game. He got to see his first home run at the Yankee Stadium, which was... Did he, could he receive that? Yes, because he was very... Because I was explaining... I took him to a game a year ago. He had no memory, obviously, of anything like that. But at two and a half...

Oh, he's going to be three next month. Bring him to the game on the Yankees. There's a first base named Ben Rice. And I was like, oh, Ben Rice is coming up. And he just started laughing. He's like, Rice. And I'm like, yeah, yeah. It's like, Ben Corn.

And he just, he couldn't believe that someone's name was also food, and he was laughing so hard. And then Ben Rice had this 10 pitch at bat where he's fouling stuff off, and he was so locked in. And in between each pitch, they were playing like, we will rock you. We're just a little, you know, they play those little quick song snippets. And he was kind of dancing to each one of those. And I go, we got to see, maybe he'll hit a home run. And this is the first inning. And he hits, after a 10 pitch at bat, he hits a three run fucking bomb.

And the whole stadium explodes. And him and I are just like jumping up. And he started, he danced for five full minutes after that. It was so fun. And he'll never remember that. But ever since then, we just, like, Ben Rice is now his favorite players. I was just going to say, get him a Rice jersey, baby. Oh, dude, he's got Aaron Judge above his bed.

I really kind of led him in, I want to get, I would like to get him into, getting him into jujitsu would be awesome if for nowhere the reason then I can't imagine having that knowledge in high school or even middle school of not being, you don't have to worry about being attacked by somebody. It's like, dude, because those kids become this quiet, confident. Obviously, there's discipline to it too, but just being able to walk around high school, being like, if I get bullied, I can destroy somebody. I see little, there's like 10-year-olds that go to the place that I go to, and they're,

like, intimidating for a 10-year-old, you know, where they have this con, and they're not, they don't flaw in it. They're not like, I'll beat your head. It's this quiet, like, confidence of going, I could fuck you up if I have to. And, dude, that would have really got me out of a lot of pickles in high school. Put a minute. Put a minute. How, when can they start? Five or six?

Five is probably the time that they start doing that stuff. When we started wrestling around five, five or six when you'd get with your friends and you're kind of like, someone would get pushed and then you were like, let's all jump on him. And then it became a, yes. Then it became like someone would fight back and then there was a struggle. You're like, whoa. I mean, they're like, they're rolling. They're really going for it. They're rolling right now.

But as we were also like, when I grew up, it was the wrestling era, professional wrestling era. So everybody's just practicing elbow drops and choke slams. It's not, you know, we would stage fights on our trampoline. because we had that little net around it, so we'd throw people off the row, the safety net? The dock around there. My dad was like,

the insurance, what are you out of your mind? We're not getting to trampoline. You know, it was a whole thing. Trampoline was never a sell for my dad. My dad was like, what? No, dude, you hurt yourself all the time everywhere else. He's like, you're skateboarding, you're running, you're rolling down hills on bikes.

You don't need a fucking trampoline. It's like another thing for you to break your neck on. Dude, I'll never forget my friend jumping on a trampoline and he tried to do a backflip and we're all like, yay! And he landed directly on his neck. And I watched it like, like, do that. and we just were laughing at him

because it's funny because he ate it and stuff and I remember him trying to play it off but being like paralyzed I remember I'm getting paralyzed as wild he just went like this he was like ah yeah they really hurt though

and he went home and for days he couldn't move his neck it was very fun we used to do dumb shit we would do we would do donuts while someone was on the top of the on the hood of the car we would do donuts in the car Well, that's like a manslaughter. And we would hold on to their ankles.

We're not animals. But it was, you know, jackass was everything. We would just, we would just do the jack. We would see the jackass. Don't do this at home. Don't send us submissions because we're not going to watch them. And we're like, I know what they mean. You know, they just want to see a badass one.

That's what they're really looking for. That was a young age I learned about legal where I was like, they just have to say that. We could do it. Exactly. Like you knew that you were like, well, we're all trying it. I want to jump into a tree. I remember watching those guys jump out of parking garages like into a buff of a tree.

Yeah. And I was like, fuck, dude, should we try that? Yeah, and that hurts so... That's the dumbest thing. We did the shopping cart thing where you... Oh, we did that bullshit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We tried to drink the gallon of milk in an hour.

We all just threw up everywhere. But the shopping cart thing, in retrospect, also, broken neck right around the corner. Shatter knees. Right around the corner, though, a neck that goes the wrong way. It's only metal. It's only metal. It's only heavy metal that you're slamming into.

That's like whenever I see those golf card videos online, people like spinning out in golf carts drunk. I was like... Oh, yeah, when they flip them over. The amount of people I know they've gotten very hurt drunk doing dumb shit in golf carts like dumb fucking shit and hurt very fucking bad the whole thing i mean it's hundreds of pounds landing on did you ever did you ever have like a rock like a punk or rock or metal phase or anything like that i don't feel like rap was it for me hip hop i liked rock a lot i liked punk for a little while rancid

love big rancid fan oh okay and out come the wolves one of the best no effects i like a lot of that i like punk like pop punk but like no that was punk punk yeah that was good i like that era for a little while but it was only because it was parallel to rap in the way where it was like anti-authority against the grain that's why I got into I mean rage against the machine and system of it down it was like all I just saw system of down in corn a couple of weeks ago

but I met Life Stadium it was great they played together yeah they're on tour oh is that the video of the guy that was jerking off they got knocked out that was the night before I was there yeah yeah the next day can't take me down you know but it was it was great it was so much fun there was a bunch of comics there it was just a fun I always like dude I was I got big into

corn at one point in my life. I was probably in sixth grade. I got corn shaved in the back of my head. K in the backwards are? You kidding me? People for years, be like, are you the corn kid? I'm like, I'm actually Ben Rice. But it was, but it was, no, I got into slip. Anything I didn't get into a mosh pit into, that was the shit. The wall of death, you ever seen those before? Oh yeah, those look so bad. Lamb of God, Ozfest, they split the crowd. So you do that, you were that. I was always into that, dude. It was, I remember going to a system of a down concert, what was Continental Airlines Arena. And it was, and it was, and And I remember going to Moshman.

And the Moshman system of the down fans are kind of big football linebacker. You know, they just pushed and then you push me and I push you. And you push me and I like that. And I was going in there with Long Island hardcore scene moves, which is like eagle kicks and like sharp elbow and full, you know, throwing the things.

And it was the first time in my life I ever saw guys that were significantly bigger than me be like, whoa. Like they backed away from me because I'm like, this kid spazzing out and he's bony and sharp. Let's just fucking stay the hell away from him. The bony sharp kid? Watch out for the bony sharp kid, man You could split some people open

Well yeah, you could Elbows are wild That's why whenever I see in like In UFC fights Elbows, elbows, my God Whenever you see that Like a spinning fucking fist or elbow My guy, the guy who teaches at the

Jujsa place They also do Muay there And they're like They're like, I can't stress this enough If you're ever in a fight They're like do not punch Like the second, the first punch You will shatter your hand

Almost like 99% of a time If you punch somebody You're gonna break your hand It's like elbows, always elbows. And you're like, it's stronger, your elbows are strong. You can cut them up, you know. And so much weight can get behind it. So much.

At UFC in Chicago, when I went to go sit behind Rogan, I think it was the first time in UFC history that two back to, two knockouts, back-to-back were, not back-to-back-to-back, but two spinning knockouts. I don't know if it was, I can't remember if it was fist or elbows, but it was the first time in UFC history. And Rogan was like, I've never seen that twice. That's insane to watch. Because when you see people throw them and try, you're always like, oh, it usually misses, or it clips a little bit. But when it's clean, you're like, oh, my God. The sound is insane.

The sound hurts so much. The sound hurts to hear. I remember trying to do moitre for a little bit, and I miss the heavy bag because it was like, it moved a little bit. And I just, I like hyper extended my elbow to it hurt for days. Like, if you throw a punch at maximum efficacy and you miss, it feels like someone just shot your elbow. Oh, dude.

I got the funniest image. I wish, this is such a, you had to be there moment, but it was beautiful. But I mean, years ago, my buddy, Jim, a fight broke out at a birthday party that we were at, uh, at my girlfriend's house, um, apartment. And fucking Jim, Jim, Jim was like, uh, he's strong dude. It was a hockey player and like tough his nails. And a fight breaks out and this guy hits a friend of his, a guy that I know, who I actually didn't mind seeing get hit. I was like, man, guy's not the best anyway. It's kind of fun. But Jim like was trying to defend. it so he jumped

and when I mean he like left he was horizontal to the ground I'm not kidding at all Superman but he literally dude he jumped so hard and far and fast to like get over this thing of people and he jumped and it flowed I remember like watching him flow like whoa and he missed this guy

by like a foot and bounce bounce and it was fucking unreal dude I was like no Jim he probably knocked it went he knocked it hurt him so much because he missed by like it was like a country mile you're like fuck you're nowhere near him dude

they try to scramble up they're like yeah motherfucker oh he bounced him was like oh I just moved around until the fight had like moved to somewhere else and then it was quiet then when it was all done I was like Jim are you good dude that was so bad and he's like wasn't yeah fuck that

that suck that sucks and it wasn't even embarrassing because it was like so shocking to watch it was like are you okay Whoa, dude. You bounce off the fucking, it's like tile floor. You might have broken a rib. Is everything intact? Dude, fights are never, like when they're not sanctioned fights,

like an in-person house party fight was always so underwhelming and borderline embarrassing. Embarrassing, it's always embarrassing. It always sounded like someone hitting raw meat. And then the second, the first punch, people are, they're just scrambling and running. No one, everyone's taking these wild haymakers swings and missing my a lot. No one has any technique. It's throwing as hard and fast as you can. Hard as you can. and holding their breath while doing this isn't sexist at all but go on honestly every time a girl would try to run into one of those things and and gets accidentally punched or hit or put and you're like yeah what did you think was going to happen yeah you think you were going to break it up when two men were like just monkey brain like

you think that was going to stop by going guys skip and she gets smoked for her hand like oh the amount of times i saw like a young lady jump into it cut it up and then get either like clipped or hit or what you're like lady oh my god clearly that wasn't going to work out right? Dude, you just unlocked a memory for me of this kid and we were at this, we always used, in college we used to underage drink at this bar O'Brien's and we were and it was like dude, it was like I had every, I looked like I was

12 and everybody was in there and it was Halloween and there was a Halloween party and it got raided like it would once or twice a year and they, you know, and this one kid was just hammered and just, you know, drawn at the cops and he shouldn't have and they were trying to take him out and then the girlfriend said something like, fuck you pig

or like something like that. Fuck you pig. Dude, dude, dude, the cop slingshot this guy out of the bar because they got so mad at her that they took it out on him. They slingshot this guy out of the bar. He loses his footing. And dude, he goes

eyeball first into a parking meter. Oh my God. I heard like the change rattle inside the meter and it just was like crank like that and he broke his whole eyesight. He was just he was fucked for months after that and he was so drunk that when he first said if he's like I'm being assaulted you know like you know when you just have when you're so drunk that it's just I you know there's so many times that I got carried out of bars with my degenerate Long Island friends

that we would go to these you know every year from my birthday I would do a all you can you know three hour open bar and we would do shots of Everclear before leaving for the open bar and then and then it was there was one time I fell asleep at a urinal at the I think it was like off the wagon, or one of those, you know, like Jake's Dilemma, all of those, you know, college bars. And the bouncer came up to me because I was asleep standing at the urinal. He's like, time to go, buddy. And I was pretty, like, okay about it. And then as I, I remember the only man, I probably would browned out, but I remember being in the cab and like just kind of, you know when you're so shit-faced in the cab and everyone's shuttling you around? And I look out

the window. And as I, their cars drive away, I pictures clear a day, my best friend from home, one of my friends is in a huge, like, it is. a tumbleweed brawl with security who was four times the size of him and thoroughly kicking his ass and then another one of my friend is openly pissing into men, into the street. And I'm like, you know, and then I put the window down

so I could have that joker head out the window thing for the whole ride. That image is beautiful. Some of the best nights of my life. Just getting some fresher. You throw up, I'm charging you. Don't puke out of the cab, dude. Don't you puke here.

Well, then don't drive so fucking, you know, don't do that. Yeah, herky jerky, dude. It's like, by the way, I'm gonna throw up. I'm gonna throw up. Yeah, what did you think was gonna happen? Yeah, don't park outside. Look at me.

I got shuttled, I got, you know, I got fucking weekend at Bernieed into this goddamn cab. I'm gonna throw up. What was that with, in the guillotine? What is that one? Oh, God, come on. I had it until you say guillotine. The, the, the, the... Why can't I think of the name of that?

Sturge, what is it called? Lock in the stock and a stockade. Stockade. We got it, we got it. We got it. When your arms are in a fucking stockade. stockade and you walk out of the car like that they're like dude don't let that this guy don't that dude that's why that's why there should be drunk uber i think we picked

did i pitch this on bad one time we were talking there should be blacked out uber there absolutely should be if you're really fucked up it does have plastic down and also and also it's a little more expensive but they know it's coming right and it's going to be annoying but they're like that's fine they're blacked out yeah but it but the case would be it'd be more expensive because it's the driver and there's got to be someone in the front as well because the driver's gonna need help sometimes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because sometimes blackouts do insane shit. Yes, I think it should be almost like a police car. Uber black, where they can't even... Uber-Black hyphen out.

Yeah, yeah. You take an Uber Black? I'm getting an Uber Black out. Yeah. Oh, I thought you meant that like black people weren't allowed in it, which... What, Feeney? That's on you. He's like, black out. That's reason. No, dude. Come on. That's the Irish bars that you go to. Yeah. No, thank you boys. We're closed for the night. Yeah, they're like, it's 6 p.m. Oh yeah, that's when we closed. Is that what it is already? You're in a bit of an early close. I just love going to McSorley's, you know, and they Women in there to like, you know, 97. To like a couple of years ago, yeah.

That's bonkers to me. How was that legal? McSorley's light, McSorley's dark, that was the only two things, the sawdust with puke on the ground, it just felt they were like, Abraham Lincoln drank here. It was a very, it's a... I didn't like the idea that they're like,

two beers, that's it. You're like, well, then fuck you. There's like nine next door. And they're both this, they're both... No, no, they give you two at a time. But they're little shotties. What's the one I'm thinking of where they only have two beers? That is, they only do have, yeah, yeah.

They only do have two different kinds of beer, but they'll serve you as many as you want. But the best part is, is they were... I'm saying, I want a variety. Gotcha. What if I don't like white, fucking beer or dark beer? Like, give me the thing. Mixorley's light or dark. That's not why you're not going there for a...

You're not going here for this. I'm not going there at all. How about that? How about that? Mixerolis, you're not going to get my business. No, I like variety. I don't like when they make you... That's why Father's office closed down down in downtown, and I said,

Father's office is a burger joint here, and they've been around for a long time. And it is a fucking good burger. but they don't let you do substitutions and it made me what do they put on it I don't even give a fuck the idea that I can't change anything is like but that's what I'm saying

but is it like if it's like a loaded burger and they can't like everything it was like or if you said like I don't like raw tomato right so it's like oh can I get no tomato and they're like no no substitution you're like well it's not a substitution that's just a removal yeah

you're building the burger unless the burger's already made back there also technically you're thinking about it from a from a financial standpoint I'm actually saving you money you save yourself a slice of tomato I'm paying you more money for less product. Bigger margins. Yeah.

Anyway, they closed down and when they did a piece of me celebrated like, good, of course. Well, no, the other ones are still open, but I was like, slowly but surely,

they'll learn their lesson. I'm biting my time. I just keep mentioning it on the podcast. I don't like me giving you money and then you telling me you can't have it. Like, I gave you money for a food and if I go,

hey man, I don't really like the taste of this on this plate, but I do like the plate. Yeah. And you go, no, that's how we make it. It's like,

I'll check with the chef. Is there anything worse, what do you think when they, it's like such a passive breakfast thing when they send the chef out? To be like, oh, there's something wrong with that? Hold on. Let me get the chef. And the chef comes out. He's like dirty and he's like, what's up? You know, like it's always adversarial.

And you're like, nothing. Dude, honestly, I just, I don't really eat this. Yeah. So I just like, well, everyone loves this. That's it. Everyone loves this. I'm not everyone, bud. Yeah. Yeah, I can see that. And then they go, all right, I guess, you know, have them send it back. Well, I won't come back to Benigans then. And you

too will close soon. Yeah. This chain will no longer exist in a couple of years. Are you kidding me? Beniggins will last forever. Are there any of those left? Benigans, they've got to be all closed down. Do you even know what that is? My buddy used to work in the chain. He was like Chili's. See his generation.

Fudd ruckers in that world, which also I think closed. Take off, gone. No more Benegans, no chance. I was team Chili's over Appleby's, but I also worked in Appleby's. What are you talking about? Everybody was Team Chili's over Applebee's. Not everybody. Applebee's never even touched Chili's.

Chillies is king. Chilies is so good. Chilies was the best. I wouldn't do with Chili's for the first time in years. right now. It's got a fucking Chili's too. Dude, I haven't been in so long. I went for the first time this summer, and I brought my kid there. I was like, what is an unbelievably great experience? By the way, it's like, you want two appetizers, an entree, and a margarita? Nineteen bucks. And you're like, get out of here. There's no way. A deli sandwich now is $19. McDonald's

is like $38. It's a rip-off. How many Benigans? The closest one is in Texas. Yeah, they're gone. And then how many chilies are left in L.A.? I know there's one Chili's in Encino. It is like the famous Encino Chili's in the Valley here. But there isn't any in the city, I don't think. They do one of those things, which I don't generally like, but it's chili, so I'll give them a pass. They do nachos, but each chip has every ingredient

on it. Oh, love. You know what I mean? Come on. Yeah. How many? Five chilies left in Los Angeles. Hollywood, Burbank, Engelwood, Pico Rivera, Manhattan Beach. Burbank. Oh, in Burbank, Burbank, yeah, in downtown Burbank. Wow. Pico Rivera and Manhattan Beach. What do you mean? Hollywood. There's no Encino. There's got to be in Encino. Or Woodland Hills? They might not count Encino in Woodland Hills

as Los Angeles on this search. I don't like to hear that kind of stuff because those guys are our friends too just because they're mostly Persian and that's because McCone doesn't like that kind of stuff. Yeah, this is a very Irish episode today as it should be. You got a little Italian in you though.

You're a little tainted but my son is Italian and Irish so that's good. Yeah, your wife's Italian, you pig. You're not full blood. You can never be a made man in the Irish in the Irish Mafia. Dude, I think about that all the time. No, I couldn't be a made man in the Italian mafia.

Either, in either. Because I'm like, what's his name? I'm like De Niro. Duval? No. De Niro was, he was half a Mick, right? Isn't that the whole deal? That's also why he didn't die.

Yeah. Interesting. There you go. But also Duval and Godfather. That's what I was. Yeah, Duval and Godfather, him and Goodfellas. Well, another layer of this, I was also Santino and Godfather. Sonny.

Godfeller or Goodfellas? Which one's better? Which one do you choose? Well, generationally, we would always choose Goodfellas because we grew up with it. 100%. Yeah, but I mean, my dad would obviously disagree. My dad is got, that's a Godfather error. I would, I would argue.

Casino's better than all of them. I mean, casino is great, but I would argue, I think I would argue Godfather 2 is better than the original. It's one of three sequels ever that's better than the original. It's that. But Godfather 3 didn't exist. Right. I've actually never seen Godfather 3. It's awful. It's unwatchable to me.

But that, Terminator 2, Terminator 2, and is also controversial, Ace Ventura, when nature calls is better than the original because the original has to set up the bits the second one just hammers the bits you get the you get the bumblebee tuna you get the you get the all the stuff you get the the rhino scene of course

you get the Griswold hit the lights you know you get there every the slinky starts the whole thing I'm trying to think if that was better than the original but I don't know it just it's all the jokes in a new place it's great laces out but then that also

I was also so young that I didn't even understand that, like, I didn't understand that until years later. Little did we know that was just like a trans woman, Ray ahead of our time in film. Yeah, wow. And people, he was so, they were very negative about it. He was so disgusting. He was burned his clothes and took a shower. But imagine of doing a panel for like a 30th anniversary. Like, Jim, a trans activist here. Yeah.

And he's got to answer to that. And he's just like, we're all stars and ether. I haven't been Jim in 20 years. I'm not even here, man. None of us are here. I'm Andy now. I turn into Andy when we did. That's so funny to have to answer to that for all the comedy shit that was so fucked up from back in the day.

So fucked. I mean, like, what I remember? I think there was a scene. Maybe it was three men and a baby. Is that what it was? One of these were like, the joke was like, uh, uh, two guys is gay, but three guys is like a group of friends. Like if it's just two guys walking together, like those guys can be gay. But three, they're like, those boys are going out to have a good time.

I don't know if it was that. It was like an 80s comedy movie like that. And that's like a lot of hacks crowdwork to this day. We're like, do guys in together? What are you doing gay? We're just fucking each other in the butt. Unbelievable. Still gets laughed somehow.

Except sometimes I'll see that in L.A. It's like one comic that, again, we'll talk about off here, that I've seen, that I see you. That I was like, oh, you do, you guys in together? What are you gay? And I've watched them, I've watched an audience go, yes. Yeah. And then he's like, ah! Like, you see this.

There's nowhere to go. It's like, absolutely. And if they are? Yeah, what are you going to do? Yeah. And what are you going to do? about it yeah yeah ban you from the club to what do you guys get the what do you guys gay thing is good that it's funnier to say that to a straight couple you see a man and a woman

like what is this what do you two good gay or something I've also it's also it's a loaded thing when you because it's a it's a nuke if there's two women together and you go lesbos and then they're just like that could be a oh that's a bad I don't answer that's it never works because if they are they're they're I always say sad widows I always say that's I never I don't ever do fucking crowd work it's so funny yeah I never I've never you post a crowdwork clip in your life? I don't really. I don't know what it is. I don't care. I like to

do it sometimes. I love doing it, but I don't, I'm not like, I just came up in those rooms where they were ambush shows and barked in shows, and if you didn't have something, our jokes were so bad that that young in comedy that if you didn't have that skill and it was always like the Village Lantern

in the West Village. It was literally like Shult and Akash and myself and a bunch of other comics that if you didn't constantly be like, hey, pay fucking attention, you know, like that. If you didn't have a thing, then they would, they would just, you know, they would tune out or just be talking full volume. Yeah, I like doing crowd work sometimes. I just don't want to give them too much space where then they think, like, they're going to be part of the show for the rest of the show.

So then everyone, other, other comedies. I don't like when the host does only crowdwork. I hate that. Because then everybody else after that. I have a rule. I have a rule when I have people open for them. Just do material. Love that.

Just do material. That's it. Love that for you. I always say that, just do material, man, because that's the thing that's going to build your comedy career. So when I have someone open, I go, just do material, man. 100%. Were you writing? And they're like, yeah.

And it's like, well, then do that. And there's nothing worse than when the host, or like the feature will talk to every single, the first four rows, just like, leave no meat left on the bone and murder with it. And then you go out and you try to do jokes. And they're like, not for me. Birthday. I do just material too, usually. So I don't really want to have to talk to them because they've been talked to already. Right.

So I always say to features knows. I'm like, just do great material. That's it. If somebody yells out, retort, but I'm always like, just do great material. Killed at the Beacon, by the way. I know you wouldn't want me saying that Very nice of you, I love you so much, Feeney Never say this to your face, but you're a great comic and a terrific man

That's going to wrap up the episode before I get too anxious, we're going to go have a beer. Feeney, I love you to death. Feeney, you want to plug anything? Sure, I have a podcast called Co-host Wanted where every single week I sit down Which we talked about at the Beacon. At the Beacon, you were the one that gave me the green light

to be like, you should do that. That's a great fucking idea. And every single week, I interview someone to be the permanent co-host of the show and, you know, your application's still on file, but, you know, we'll get to you. But it's great, and you can check it on my YouTube.com slash Mike Feeney Comedy. Tour dates, mikevinicom, and social media at I am Mike Feene.

Come see a show live. Live, that'd be great. Go see a show. I always say that. I've said that a lot, but please go see live comedy. The only thing we actually love doing is doing live comedy. Taping stuff is fun. Pods are fun, blah, blah, blah.

Go see a live show. You're going to like the guy more live than you did on this, and he might do more Coke live, dude. We end the show the same way. Look at it at that camera. One word or one phrase. What do you mean? Say one word. one phrase into that camera.

Okay. And the episode. Man, that feels like a lot of pressure all of a sudden. Well, you're good at it. Choke on it, bitch. In here. Dude. We pour whiskey.

Whisk. Whisk. Whisk. You were that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy. And ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Ginger's a fugitive.

You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Ginger's, oh, hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers.