Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Ms. Pat

Episode Date: December 1, 2023

Buckle up kids the incomparable Ms. Pat returns to the show! We watch a hilarious clip of her suing her tenant on Judge Joe Brown. Also, the queen of BET has a brand new hilarious show you need to check out. Ms. Pat Settles It. The greatest court room program that is must see tv!! #mspat #mspatsettlesit #andrewsantino #whiskeyginger #podcast ======================================================= SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS RABBIT HOLE $5 OFF with Promo Code: WHISKEY https://rabbitholedistillery.com/drizly SQUARESPACE Get that site up and running now! 10% off your order https://squarespace.com/whiskey AURA Get $40 Off Your Order Promo Code: WHISKEY https://auraframes.com/whiskey ====================== Follow Andrew Santino: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ https://twitter.com/CheetoSantino Follow Whiskey Ginger: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeyging... https://twitter.com/whiskeyginger_ Produced and edited by Joe Faria IG: @itsjoefaria Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Go to rabbitholestory.com slash buy now and use the promo code rabbit for five bucks off your first order. Check them out, rabbitholestory.com. They're available all over the place. Please drink responsibly. Have fun. What up, Whiskey Ginger fans? Welcome back to the show. If it's your first time joining the show, welcome to the show. We got a good one for you today. Like my man Steve Harvey done say, it's Miss Pat. It's Miss Pat. It's Miss Pat. It's Miss Pat. What am I doing? It's Miss Pat on the show. Man, I love her so much. She's so funny. She has a brand new show out. She's maybe one of the most entertaining people I've ever seen on television. And she parlayed her hilarious comedy acumen into having her own show where she's judging people for herself.

You can take a look at her show out and available right now. So funny. So sweet. Love, Miss Pat. Also, I'm on the road next year. We're going back out and about, my good friends. Go to badfriendspod.com. Badfriendspod.com.

Me and Bobby Lee are touring all over the place. We're going to Atlantic City, New Jersey. We're in Temecula. We're in Long Beach. We're in Sacramento. We're going to Windsor, Ontario, Canada. Niagara Falls, Canada. Come see About Me and Bobby Lee.

Go to badfriendspod.com. Enough rambling from me. Let's go check out Miss Pat. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You're that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse.

Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people.

I don't know where to say that from. I guess what I mean. And once again, today, that was good. It's the return of Miss Pat. Did you hear how fast I got through the intro? Yeah, are you selling cars or black people? Both. Okay.

Both. Get a two for one. Come on down to Santino's Black People or Cars. You don't get to choose. Pick from the bucket. You'd be a good auction brother. Damn,

is he going to take a breath? Don't put me out like that. I would not be a good auctioneer. Yes, you would. Four to five, 75, 79, Miss Pat sold. Yes.

Miss Pat is back on the show, baby. And you told me before the show you throw a party every year that I have not gotten an invite to. I would like an invite formally right now on the show. So go ahead. Okay.

I'm going to invite him. I guarantee he's not going to come. So once a year, I do a fan celebration where I just invite all the fans from all around the world. And I throw them a big party with a theme. This year, it was sitcom theme. So you invite it. Next year is October 18th. I guarantee he invited. Next year is October the 18th. I guarantee he don't come.

I'm going to come. I guarantee I will. It's October the 18th in Atlanta, Georgia. And the theme is The Great Gatsby. Ooh. The Great Gatsby. This year was sitcom. The first year was 90s.

What did you go as as the 90s? What'd you do? I just threw on some little clothes that looked like it was 90s. But this year I went as Patricia Carson from the Miss Pat Show. Uh-huh. Okay. It was really easy. Yeah, for you, sitcom.

That's great. Yeah, that's perfect. Oh, great Gatsby. I have to think about my outfit. And I give prize money. That's perfect. Oh, Great Gatsby. I have to think about my outfit. And I give prize money. I give $1,000 to the best costume. But this year, since the Great Gatsby is usually a couple thing, so $1,000 to the best costume and $2,000 to the best couple.

Really? Mm-hmm. You want to go with me, Makona, and we can win both? They don't come to play either. Oh, no, it's real. Yes, they... So they're spending real money on their costumes just to get the money to win. They're probably going to break even at the end of the day.

Well, I don't think so, because I think a lot of them hand sew it. They hand sew their own costumes? Yes. Who the fuck are your friends? They're not my friends, they're my fans. These fans are at home hand sewing great Gatsby costumes? They don't know it's great Gatsby yet, but I'm quite sure they're going to put, like this year we had someone win. They were Luce and Eltha. When I tell you they look just

like Luce and Eltha. Yeah. But it was so many other great costumes out there. It was ridiculous. That is really, so what you had, name some of the sitcom people that showed up. Like it was Honeymooners. It was Honeymooners. It was Martin when her head was stuck in the bed. Love. It was, who else was it? It was Tammy Faye Baker and her husband. Right, the preacher. It was all kinds of stuff.

Yeah, that's great. Everything you saw on TV. Who won? Who won this year? Lucy and Ethel. Oh, okay. Ethel and Lucy won. Oh, wow.

It was one guy that smurfed. So it was all kinds of stuff. Who won this year? Lucy and Ethel. Oh, okay. Ethel and Lucy won. Oh, wow. One guy has a Smurf. So it was all kind of stuff. All right, I'm coming next year. Mark it down, McCone. I'm going. I'm telling you. You say I won't go.

Watch my ass go. You think that I can't get a flight to Atlanta? I know you can get a flight to Atlanta, but when I try to invite, you know, like, comics and stuff, they're like, well, what is it? It's just a fan celebration. I had fans come all the way from London Okay, you know what? I'm saying it now. We're gonna book a show in Atlanta and we're gonna combine like a show tour miss Pat party extravaganza

Yeah, my birthday is October 16th. So it's two days after my birthday. So it'll be birthday for me as well Yeah, so book something in Atlanta and swing on through that it said, okay done. I'm gonna do it Yeah, say watch something in Atlanta and swing on through there that Saturday. Okay, done. I'm going to do it. Yes. Watch me show up. Miss Pat is back on tour, and I want to say this. We got sent a clip. I know you have a new show coming out, and I'm going to play it for the fans just for fun.

This was you on Judge Joe Brown. How long ago was this? Early 2000s. you on judge joe brown how long ago was this who uh early the fridge was filthy the stove was filthy and then you had to dispose of the shall we say the toys booty bees and i didn't even know they were booty bees i'm in there picking them up at the bathroom and my sister-in-law was like these are booty bees whatever i don't use toys she told me they were booty bees i didn't know they were booty bees i don't decorate my behind i got stretch marks and i don't use toys. She told me they were booty beads. I didn't know they were booty beads. I don't decorate my behind. I got stretch marks on my feet. I don't need to decorate my booty. Did he know you were a comic? Well, I told him my profession was a comic, but it was, I sued her in my, my local court and they picked it up. Wait a minute. You, you, this is not, this is a cast.

This is a casting, right? No, this is real. This is real. You sued this woman? That was my tenant for three years. Two to three years, yes. Wait, I thought it was casting because a lot of these shows, they pick stories that are real, but they cast them. No, no, no, no, no. So this is your tenant, and you really did sue her locally. I sued her in Clayton County Court for running out on my rent money and tearing up my house.

And so she wouldn't tell me where she moved, so I went to the water company, and the water guy slipped him some lunch money, and he told me where she moved to. No. And I sent that crap right to her house. Do you still talk to this woman? No, I don't.

Yeah. Mm-mm. She hates you, huh? I don't give a damn. I don't give a damn. She tore my house up. Wait, so when she went to move out, she just wrecked it? She didn't pay the last month rent.

Yeah. And she was supposed to move out February. She didn't move out until the middle of March. And then she didn't pay the rent at all? She didn't pay the rent at all. And then what? And destroyed the shit before she left? Her kids tore up the house.

Yeah. She left the house really dirty. And I just told her, you got me fucked up. Yeah. I said, three things you don't mess with. My kids, up the house. Yeah. She left the house really dirty. And I just told her, you got me fucked up. Yeah. I said, three things you don't mess with. My kids, you don't mess with my family, my money, and my food. Those three things will get you killed. Is it in that order?

It don't have to be in that order. It's whatever you want you pick. That pisses me the hell off. So I sued her ass, and we went to court. And you won. I won. Yeah, hell yeah. I sure did. Good we went to court and you won i won yeah i sure did good we just that's so that's weird you say that we were looking at a we were looking at a new house to move we were going to move and one day looks fine really this real estate agent says it's going to

take a long time for us to get it back to like selling condition i said what do you mean he said well the last people that were living there when they were showing the house they were mad that they were getting their lease was done. But the owner had only agreed a one-year lease. So they said, you got to go. We're selling the house. We're leaving. So they clogged up the tub and the sinks

and turned on the water and flooded the entire upstairs. And it all came down through the walls. So they had to rip out the whole house and redo the whole thing. Yeah, they did so much damage it was wild they clogged up all of the holes for all the drains and flooded the entire upstairs from the bathroom so it ruined i mean the whole all the floors upstairs dripped down the side of the house and i was like what are you gonna do like you you gotta get your money back he said we'll just keep security deposit but outside of that there's nothing they can do this is gonna take him to court it would take him years

to get that money back from them wow it was so cold they just it was it was so dirty and they were a bunch of like tiktokers or something like that he said they were young kids and they were like we're not paying we want the security deposit back and the owner was like no you're not getting your security deposit back you got to get out because there's already damage they did to the house and they were like okay we'll show you damage. So they clogged up everything and ruined the fucking house. I'm surprised they couldn't have them arrested. Yeah, but I mean, how could you prove that it was intentional?

That's the problem. A clogged up drain, sir. I mean, yeah, but. You never called a homeowner and said that a drain was clogged up. Well, they figured it out. That's how they did it. I don't think it was. They didn't leave it like that.

They figured out how they stopped up all the drains and did that, though. But it wasn't like that when the... You know what I mean? They didn't show up to it running. They showed up to the aftermath. They figured out how this all happened. Because they traced the water lines and where it flooded from. And they could tell, oh, they must have plugged up these things.

They could have had them arrested for damaging their property. I would have killed them. I would have beat their asses. Yeah, I would have killed them. I would have killed their asses. Yeah, I would have killed them. I would have killed them. Like this woman, did you think about throwing fists? I just cursed her out and, you know, get the hell out of my house and give me my, you know, I'm not giving you a security deposit back.

And she was just, you know, and I worked with her because she was late a lot. She was a single parent, so I worked with her a lot. You did the right thing. Yeah. For too long until you were like, it's enough. It's enough. And then she left. I didn't ask her to move.

She left. Right. And so she left my shit, and she tried to get away with it. I was like, not me, boo-boo. I sued her. I said, 20 years ago, I whooped your ass, but I'm going to sue you like white people. So I sued her. I'll sue you like a white?

Yeah, that's a first. That should be some merch. I'm going to sue you like a white. Like a white person. I'll sue you like a white. Just a white. Just a white. I'll sue you like a white. Yeah, that's a... That should be some merch. I'm going to sue you like a white. Like a white person. I'll sue you like a white. Just a white. Just a white. I'll sue you like a white.

Hey, white people ain't going to find you. They will sue your ass and write a letter. Don't you get no soccer mom to write no letter to no school? Shit that motherfucker down. The most dangerous thing out there is a white soccer mom. Yeah, I wish I had one of those. He had a white soccer mom. There's no doubt in my mind.

You know, he grew up with that nice Midwest. I grew up with a mom who believed everything, any sort of authority figure. If somebody said I was fucking up, she believed. I never, ever got the benefit of the doubt. I never got like, my son would never. She would be like, no, that sounds like my son. You was probably bad as fuck.

I was a bad kid, yeah. Well, what is the benefit of that when you was you probably did do you love me you're my mom show me some love you love your babies

you love your baby they can't do wrong oh fuck that who said they can't do wrong boy you know it's funny that you say that because I tell my husband

all the time so I have custody of my niece's kids and I say hey these kids from the hood you shouldn't be just laying your wallet around. Oh, these kids will never steal it. Fucker stole $1,600 from my husband.

And he was like, I can't believe it. I said, I did. That's why I kept my motherfucking money in my titty. I said, he was like, I can't believe he took my money. I said, you are so stupid. I think that's so funny. You keep your money in your titties. Last time you showed me, you kept money in your titties.

Yeah, I don't have any of my titties today, but I always keep. Because you can't snatch these off me. Yeah, those are hard to rip off. Yes. Something in the crew, because one of the young ladies with you, they said, we're going to get coffee. I said, okay, yeah, there's a coffee place right next door. And she has a big bag. She's lugging around.

I said, just leave the bag here. You don't have to carry that around. You can leave it here in the studio while we're recording. She says, I don't trust y'all. I was like, we're not going to steal. We're recording. But she's right. We probably would have stole.

We probably would have rummaged through that bag. We rummaged through a bag. I mean, if you find a bag sitting on a bench somewhere, are you looking through it? No, I'm not. It could be a bomb. Oh, really? You think someone's leaving a bomb?

It can be a needle. People are so crazy these days. Yeah, that is true. i'm not it could be a bomb oh really it can be a needle people are so crazy these days yeah that is i'm not it could be somebody setting up a prank and you think you don't found some money and the police jump out and fucking handcuff you i'm not doing that i'm out of my business your bag is your bag i'm gonna keep the fuck walking dang this is a world now where you can't really help. You just got to mind your business. Yeah, you can't help people anymore. See, that's interesting you say that, right?

Like, years ago, you'd feel like the right move to do would be, like, try to find the owner of the bag. Now you're like, mm-mm, I don't want to get involved. Well, let me say this. When I was a kid, we was at Peak My Park, and I found this man's wallet. Oh, it had money in it and everything. So it was my—nah, my mama was with me.

It was with my stepdaddy. And I just know it was a lot of money in there. And we contacted a guy. It ended up being a white guy who come to the ghetto to pick up his wallet. He was shocked that his money was still in there. I just knew he was going to give me one of them 50s. The motherfucker

gave me $10. Ten bucks? Ten bucks. Well, did you rob him right after? Then I would have robbed him. No, but I just... Ten bucks out of me

like, all right, dude, I just told myself, I said, I will never turn in a wallet full of money again. Yeah, no. Steal all the money and be like,

we found it empty. I didn't steal shit. I was... I mean, I found it. He lost it. Yeah, you found money. And I didn't steal shit. I found it. He lost it. Yeah, you found money. I gave you back your wallet. There was nothing inside. That's what I would have said. There was no money in there, unfortunately.

There was a guy that reminds me. There was a guy that we knew that was a home inspector that would go into these homes and inspect the houses after a death or any of that stuff to like to sell the house you know or to put it up for auction and he said there was a house in beverly hills and these two brother and sister they were fighting over the custody

their mother died they never had no relationship with her you know rich family and they wanted to get rid of the house they were like just sell just sell that shit. He crawls underneath the house, and he sees old bags, like old luggage bags, from what looked like, he said, the 70s or the 80s. And he was nervous because in the past, people had found bodies, all sorts of weird shit, you know, buried under people's houses. So he called his company and was like, I just want to let you know there's bags underneath the house. I just have to say that before there's bags underneath the house.

I just have to say that before I open these up, just in case. So he pulls out the bags. He's at the house alone. The kids aren't there. And he starts opening these bags up, and it's filled with money and jewelry. Filled. I would have dragged that shit to my car.

That's exactly what I said. Hundreds of thousands of dollars. What did he do? Hundreds of thousands of dollars. So listen to this. He digs through all this. There's gold and jewelry. There's all sorts of shit, right? This old woman must have just been

burying stuff under her house for years. You know, probably never knew. It was under 30, 40 years. So he contacts the son and tells him, hey, we found some stuff under the house. I want to let you know, you know,

you're the owner of the house still. It's your property, blah, blah, blah. Him and his sister come. They find all, you know, they keep digging. They find all this other stuff that's out underneath the house. Hundreds of thousands. I don't even know what the total was, right? So they get the home inspector, you know, closes out the job,

thinks, I'm going to get a little something, you know, for the trouble. A week or so goes by, and mail comes. And in the mail is a letter from the son And he opens it up And it's a note It says thank you for helping You know finish off the house Hundred dollar bill

A hundred dollars Hundreds of thousands They gave him a hundred fucking dollar bill I was like I would have sent the shit back I would have been like fuck you A hundred Hundreds of thousands of dollars. You at least got to break somebody off 10 grand.

Now, let me tell you something. I would have easily pulled that shit away from the apartment, that house. Went in there with my own bag. Like I'm expecting something. Like with flashlight and been filling my shit up, eating every day. I know. I would have never said a word. I would have said shit.

We didn't find anything. Everything looks good and clear. House looks good to sell. Yeah, he found hundreds of thousands of dollars. He said, that's what I get for telling the truth. A hundred dollar bill. I said, I would have sent it back just as a, because it's almost,

a hundred dollars is more of a fuck you than no money. No money is like, thanks, it's ours anyway. A hundred dollars is a, isn't that weird? It's kind of like a fuck you. It's like your here's some petty cash your friend was stupid cause my dick

my dick would've been so big I'd have been so fat when I was working up under that motherfucking house I'd have been in the car shaking that dirt taking me so many lunch breaks they'd be like

why the fuck is she still up under the house Miss Pat you're still inspecting the house I'll be here for another week or two. I need to inspect more and more and more. Yeah, I see your choices. They're really loose up under here.

Yeah, this foundation seems to be slipping a little bit. We have to, I got to keep looking. Slipping right in my pants. I've never had anything like, the most I've ever found was, I think I found like a hundred bucks one time on vacation. We were in Florida and I found a hundred bucks. That's the most I've ever, I've never stumbled upon. Like I've had people that have found $100. That's the most I've ever... I've never stumbled upon...

Like, I've had people that have found money before. I've never... I've not lucked like that. I never found a bag of money and I didn't like that either. $10, $20. $20, yeah.

The wallet with the money in it, but nothing really. I know. I wish. I used to hit the lottery a lot when I used to be in the streets. So I used to play the cash three. What do they call it?

Cash three? The daily three? Yeah, the daily three, yeah. I used to hit that all the time. So I used to play the Cash 3. What do they call it? Cash 3? The Daily 3? Yeah, the Daily 3, yeah. I used to hit that all the time. Did you really? What is it when you hit? In Atlanta, it's $500 if you hit it straight. Woo!

Yeah, so I used to just hit that shit all the time. And would you play every day? Every day? Because, I mean, that was a corner I hung out on. But I don't play lottery now. No, no. You don't need to. Uh. Mm-hmm. You don't need to.

You won the lottery. You are the lottery. I am the lottery, but I don't play that shit. It's so funny. Somebody just said this. Look this up. What's the biggest one? Powerball, right?

No, somebody just hit it in LA. Yeah, but this is like the fifth time it's been hit in California or something. And now people are getting suspect because it keeps happening here. Right? Was it? Powerball, how much was it? $1.7 billion, wasn't it? Billion. $1.7 billion.

How many times has a Powerball hit in California? That's what somebody looked up on the internet. Somebody goes, this is like the fifth fucking time LA has won. $1.7 billion. Would you walk with it? Would you do the one lump sum? I would do the one lump sum. 100%.

Yeah. When people do that slow payout, that's where you could be dead tomorrow. Give me all the fucking money. Give me all the fucking money. I'm going to have a good time. We're going to have a good time. Yeah.

That Gatsby party is about to go off. This is the 14th time someone has won in powerball in california see wow yeah there was a thing on the internet some some you know one of these like tiktok videos people doing conspiracy theory shit where they were like how come this keeps happening in la like how why does this keep happening people work for the lottery people know something somebody knows somebody i wish somebody would tell me something no shit leak us what would you do with 1.7?

If you won the lottery like that You back down into millions after taxes Okay, still Still, what do you walk away with like what? So if it's 1.7 billion They take They take 60% right? Isn't that what it is? They take 60

You keep 40 if you do a walkout Right, come on So let's just say you walk with 800 million dollars What do you do with 800 million dollars? I would help people Yeah, that's a good answer I mean, honestly, I like doing DIY I probably would go around fixing up people's houses

Would you really? Mm-hmm That's sweet That's probably what I would do Like, specifically, though, are you, like, what area, what kind of people? It doesn't matter. It's like, what have I passed by? Like, I have a little, I'm always gathering people, especially with these kids.

It's not even about the parents. To me, it's more about giving the child a solid foundation and the need to not need so they can, you know, go on to be great in life. So I probably would go around helping people in situations, redoing the houses, getting kids health fix, paying for colleges, stuff like that. I mean, I don't need $800 million. Who do? I mean, I would like it. I mean, I would like it, but I would like it to give it away, to be honest. Yeah, no, you're right.

I would like to see other people happy. I'd like to use it to do something fun with it, like cool with it. Yeah, I'd like to do something constructive. It would be blessing. You can literally take $200 million and bless somebody and still not be broke. Yeah, you wouldn't even think about it. You wouldn't even know it's gone. So I would love to go around fixing up people's houses.

I like that. See? Well, let's do it now. Let's start donating all of our money right now, live on the show. I don't have that kind of money. No, okay. I can send you a faucet or a sink or a toilet, but I don't have no fucking $800 million. Miss Pat will buy you a faucet, and I'll buy you some cabinetry.

We'll start with that. Yeah. When I was young, I used to do Habitat for Humanity. You know what that is? Yeah, Jimmy Carter. Yeah, where you go help build houses. Help build houses for the underprivileged. Yeah, I got to tell you. There's some shitty houses, too. Fucking hated it. Yeah, it was. Yeah, where you go build, help build houses. Help build houses for the underprivileged. Yeah, I got to tell you.

There's some shitty houses, too. Fucking hated it. Yeah, it was built by children. I was building it. I was doing it. It was like a thing we did. My church, the church in my neighborhood was doing a, you know, Habitat for Humanity. My parents were like, you got to go.

That's something you need to do with your fucking little troublemaker ass. So I thought, okay, this will be a good deed. They'll be happy. I'll feel good. I went out there. I fucked off the whole time. All I was doing was trying to find cigarettes and booze. I was 14 or something like that. 13, 14, trying to cause trouble. And we were building these. It was so bad. We fucked up these houses bad. i can't believe they let us they would put us up on the rafters to hammer floors we didn't know what the fuck we were doing we didn't do anything correctly and nobody was checking they would show us what to do and then say get up there guys get up there go ahead we were 13 years old so whoever died in that house i'm sorry that we built in south carolina you only had two nails in your whole fucking room yeah it was it was me

jesus it was fucking me. They sent children up there. But we did that. I thought that was like a good deed. And then I remember doing it being like, this is a foolish endeavor. I don't know. I have no skills to build a house. I don't know why you want children building a home for you.

Especially. They wanted free labor. Yeah, free labor. It could have been a newborn. That's really what it was. It could have been a 90-year-old. Jimmy Carter was getting paid, huh? You think he was getting paid? No, no, I getting paid, huh? You think he was getting paid?

No, no, I'm kidding. I don't think he was getting paid. No, he wasn't doing that. Although, it wouldn't surprise me that the fucking government was working a scam out of that whole thing. Well, you know how the government do. Yeah, look at that. There he was. Yeah, I...

He's still out there. He's still around. I mean, that is insane. Is that a robotic eye? Does he... What the fuck? Does he, what the fuck? Is he have, is he? Shut your fucking mouth. What is going on?

That is so rude to say that's a robotic eye. Look at that fucking eye. Miss Pat, you cannot tell me that doesn't look like something is going wrong right there. First of all, he got hit. Somebody fucked him up. No, he fell. Yeah, the ground fucked him up. Earth gave him a smack.

He won't sit down. He's 90 years old. He's in hospice now. Look, he's chewing on a branch. No, that's a glove he pulled off his hand. Go ahead, Google how old is Jimmy Carter. I think he's 90. He's got to be older than that.

99. I say he's got to be close to 100 by now. How old is he? 99 years old. By the way, he just turned 99 in October. Happy birthday, Jimmy Carter. Sit down. Well, I think he's in hospice now.

That's terrible. His wife is still alive. She's still alive too? Mm-hmm. God, do you even know who that is, McCone? You're so young, you don't know who Jimmy Carter was. Do you? Well, that's one thing they teach everybody in school.

Yeah, but he's an idiot. He didn't learn anything in fucking school. Neither did I, but I know, you know. Yeah. You have to learn the fucking president and the capitals of every state. And your ABCs. That's all mandatory.

He knows none of that stuff. We didn't learn capitals. No, capitals. Y'all didn't learn capitals? They stopped doing that shit years ago. They don't teach kids anything anymore. No, capitals. He didn't learn capitals. They stopped doing that shit years ago. The other one. They don't teach kids anything anymore. No, you have to teach your child.

They give them a vape and an iPhone, and they say, figure it all out. That is really what they do. They say, here's a vape. Here's an iPad. Well... Here's an Adderall. Yeah. Show up if you can.

That's the problem. Adderall. Because they want to diagnose every child with something. 80% of them kids just need a good old ass whipping. You need to beat the shit out of them. Yeah. And then, you know, like, I have a granddaughter who's nine or ten years old that got a fucking iPhone. But I have a 15-year-old that lives with me and don't have an iPhone.

Yeah. Because you can't put the world in the palm of their hand. And I tell people that all the fucking time. I mean, it wasn't like when I was coming up. You know, you literally had to go outside

and get kidnapped. You know what I'm saying? These motherfuckers kidnapped your child from the iPhone. Come on out here, we're going to look for Pokemon,

and I'm going to cook you and I'm going to fuck you, and then they're going to be looking for you when they find your eyeballs going to be up your ass. Pretty much. In here, we pour whiskey.

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Yeah, motherfucker got to circle your block. Kidnappers ran out of gas in our neighborhood. Shit. We black. We fast as fuck. You ain't just going to snatch us up. It's hard to catch these little black gas in our neighborhood. Shit. We black. We fast as fuck. You ain't just gonna snatch us up. It's hard to catch these little black kids in this neighborhood. I'm running out of gas.

You know, the most we had was somebody riding by jacking their dick. We had to call the ding-a-ling man. The ding-a-ling man. They locked the ding-a-ling man up. Now this motherfucker on apps and shit. He don't even drive no more. Ain't burning no gas to get your kids. That is sad you don't get perverts in public anymore.

You don't just get a guy playing with his dick in the park. Yeah, they come up and just flash you no more. They don't flash. They lock them up. The good old days when you could just get a flasher in the neighborhood. You're like, he's showing his wiener. And the teacher would say, look the other way. Now, five motherfuckers tell you got your dick out, but your child got an iphone so they're gonna

google dick anyway yeah they're gonna see it you know so leave the ding-a-ling man alone let that ding-a-ling man do his thing i was on a field trip when i was a kid we were in downtown in that and a guy was taking a shit on the side of the road and smiling at us uh with his dick in his hand and the teacher the teacher was like come on come on come on, keep moving, keep moving. But that was an experience of life. That was a learning lesson. I mean. You got to let that guy do his thing.

And you take the kids to the zoo, and sometimes your kids might walk up on a blowjob. Yes. You know, monkeys and apes don't give a fuck where they get it on at. They get it on right there in front of the third graders. She suck his dick and turn around and they like, and would take their shit and sling it at you.

And they was like, no monkey, you can't fuck today. Yes, I can. I didn't tell you to bring these ugly kids. I love to see monkey fucking when you take your kids

on field trips. I think it's hilarious when they fuck. That's what you get for fucking putting them in them cages. You know this shit ain't natural to them.

They used to just jumping down out of trees into the pussy. But now, they gotta get the pussy on the branch because you don't tuck them out

of their fucking habitat. I'd love that they throw shit at people. That's like one of my favorite things. When you get those videos on the internet of them getting

people throwing shit, monkeys throwing shit at people. It is proof that they're like sick of this. They're like sick of being in a cage. Yeah, even when you go into the area, they throw shit at you. They do more armed robberies

than any motherfuckers running out the department store. They will take your purse and take off with that bitch. Yeah, look at this. Yeah, just go ahead and stare at me for a little while. Watch this. I'll throw shit right at you. Yeah, you think I'm cute? Look at they hook it from underneath. That's genius. Genius. Genius.

Did it get on her? Yeah, it hit that old woman right in the fucking face. Play it again. Play it again. He was like, that bitch is ugly. Let me put on some makeup. The time I see them do that, I'm fucking ducking. Yeah, you need some bronzer, bitch.

Here you go. Here's some contour for that face. Oh, my God. That is fucking horrible. Grandma. Poor grandma. Put her back in the home. She wants to say,

this is why I don't want you to take me anywhere. That's so sad. Put her back. Put her back. You know what's so funny? Nobody in my, when you said about Jimmy Carter, none of my,

nobody, grandparents in my family on said about Jimmy Carter None of my Nobody Grandparents in my family On either side Ever went to a house Like We never put them in a Never had to put them in a home Or anything like that Well that's good

We got lucky Well health wise Because all my grandparents That passed They passed You know It was healthy When they were supposed to pass

Do you know what I mean It wasn't like a What do you mean When they're supposed to pass Well it know what I mean? It wasn't like a What do you mean when they supposed to pass? Well it wasn't like It wasn't like a long drawn out It wasn't like long drawn out death It was like So grandpa just didn't wake up one day

Grandpa got hit by a bus Yeah He got hit by a bus What made you think that? My grandfather got hit by a bus Thanks for bringing it up What I'm saying is No, no, thanks a lot

And it was a city bus too Did y'all sue? Yeah, we did We got some money Did he really get hit by a bus? I was like, what the fuck? No, no, no No, I mean it was a quick

It was just When people die pretty quick Like within a couple of days It's a lot easier than when you hear I've had family members that are in hospital You know Months and months and months and months Do you want them to die? I think you should die fast I want to die fast I've had family members that are in hospital for, you know, months and months and months and months and years.

Do you want them to die? I think you should die fast. I want to die fast. I don't want to be drawn out. Like, let me, if I'm ready to go, I got to go. I don't want to sit in a fucking hospital for seven months while I slowly die. No thanks. Get me the fuck out of here.

Let me go. If I get really sick and my family, and they're like, oh man, he might be in and out for the next four or five months, I'll tell my family, just put me outside. Just put me go. If I get really sick in my family and they're like, oh, man, he might be in and out for the next four or five months, I'll tell my family, just put me outside. Just put me outside. Well, what's going to happen if they put you outside? We're going to eat you. Whatever.

Whatever gets me, gets me. Raccoons, coyotes, let it get me. Just let it get me. Don't nobody want to eat your sick ass? Yes, they do. Raccoons will eat anything. Raccoons, skunks. If you really feel like that, just say, drive me down to Alabama and throw me in an alligator

Okay, throw me off the side of a thing. Yeah, that's fine. That's my hospice. Throw me off the side of a thing. Why don't you just tell somebody to fucking smother you? No, because then someone has to be responsible for my death, and that's got to weigh on their brain a little bit. That's why I said, leave me outside.

Let the earth take me. No, just let somebody give you... I mean, just get your ass up and make your own cocktail. Okay, that's fine, too. Yeah. That's what I'm doing right here. Yeah. I'll be done on the show soon.

That's why you have so many kids. How many people were in your house? How many kids did you raise at once? Right now, I have my four and two of my other kids sick. So at once, it was eight at one time. So they better take care of you when you're older. One of these motherfuckers. Well, they're so close in age, we're probably taking care of my other kids sick. So at once, it was eight at one time. So they better take care of you when you're older. One of these motherfuckers. Well, they so close in age, we probably taking care of each other.

Y'all be in hospice together, feeding each other. I tell them all the time, y'all better fucking take care of me. I don't want to go no old-fashioned home. I ain't catch no crabs. I just want to stay here and watch my fucking TV. Yeah, why do they all get STDs? They all get STDs. They fuck a lot.

Yeah, but how? You see, half of them can't walk. Well, they stay with all get STDs? They all get STDs. They fuck a lot. Yeah, but how? You see, half of them can't walk. Well, they talk. They just wheel them to each other. Yeah, they can eat each other, I guess. I don't know what old people do when their asses is sagging. The STDs in nursing homes is unbelievable. What someone said at the all-time high was syphilis,

which isn't even fucking around anymore that much. Well, he probably fingered her, and then he ate lunch. Yeah, he had a snack. And so he called Snick. Where did you put my pills? Right here. He's fucked up all about it. You really sound like a little old white man.

I am a little old white man. Yeah, according to the CDC, STDs have reached a historically high level amongst elderly Americans. STDs in Americans 65 or older, 260% they've risen. Damn. That's insane.

How is old people fucking more than young people? Because young people are all on, they're all just on the phone. They're not fucking. Kids aren't fucking. Isn't it they say like sex amongst youth is at, it's all just on the phone. They're not fucking. Kids aren't fucking. Isn't it they say like sex amongst youth is at its lowest now?

Try with millennials. They're the first generation to have less sex. First generation to have less sex than their parents in the history. So the millennial generation is having less sex than the older generation.

That's the first time it's been that way. Well, according to the nursing home, it's true. Yeah, well, they to the nursing home, it's true. Yeah, well, they're fucking. Look at this. It says, three in ten Gen Z males

have had no sex. Oh, I know why. It's no fucking on. Everybody's turning into everything else. Yeah, there is. Yeah, who knows what everybody is anymore.

Yeah. So everybody's turning, you know, so that's why no babies is a being, man. Yeah, everyone's anymore. Yeah. So everybody's turning, you know, so that's why no babies is a being, man. Yeah, everyone's flipping. Yeah. Everyone's going back and forth.

That is so funny to think that 30% of teens said they've never had sex. That's down 10% in a year. That's so many people that are not fucking. I think it is because they're on their phones and...

No, that's because they don't... because they they don't sometimes they really don't count sex with the same sex as sex sex with the same sex as sex yeah they do yeah that is that's got to be the same shit like i've heard i heard if you do if some kids think or sex is not sex but to me if somebody ate you then they broke your hymen and what a fucking call up in there. Your hymen. Hymen, that's a good restaurant. I've been there.

I'm on the west side. Welcome to hymens. No, I know what you mean, though. My, a family friend of ours said, a couple years ago, she had a son in high school, senior in high school, and one of the girls, one of the girlfriends confessed, she said, blowjobs are like handshakes.

She's like, blowjobs amongst their group of friends was not a big deal. It wasn't like, oh, she blew him and he blew her. It was like, yeah, people just, blowjobs are a thing that people give and get no one, nobody cares. Like, if a girl blows all your friends, that's a totally normal thing. Wow. I know, I know. She said no sex though.

They're not having sex. They don't want to have sex. Blowjobs used to be on special occasions. These bitches giving my life blow pops now. Please. These are not suckers, whores. I don't know why they want to suck dick. It actually stop your, what's your back teeth called?

Your molars? Yeah, from coming down. No, no. When you start sucking dick too soon, it fuck up your TGMI's right here in your cheekbone, whatever the fuck. The dentist knows? Have you been sucking a lot of cock recently? Yeah. Your molars are coming in weird.

No, yeah, they're coming in sideways. Then you're pulling all your teeth to the front of your mouth. You shouldn't do that. That is insane. That is wild to think your fucking wisdom teeth. Mine haven't grown in. What does that mean? You must have sucked a cock on your molars.

Wait a minute, Miss Pat. I don't know. Something has stopped your wisdoms and two of them coming in. No, I haven't. Two of them are impacted inside. They never came down. Did they cut them out? No, and the dentist was like, we should cut them out.

I said, fuck, do we have to? I said, is it a health issue? No, but it will. It will eventually really fuck up your sinuses. No, fine. Whatever. Fuck it. Not when your nose are constantly running, your eyes are constantly running.

Why? Did you have the same problem? How did you know that? No, my son had them and they cut them down. I don't want them cut out of my, don't cut my shit. It doesn't hurt.

It's not supposed to be there. Huh? It's supposed to be there, I mean. No, it doesn't. Yes, why is it there? So, let me ask you this. You know, God made all of us different,

but they also made God, they also made people in the world to fix things, you know, we, we, some of us didn. But they also made people in the world to fix things. You know, some of us didn't pick the right sperm to create babies. Okay, so if you come out and your fucking teeth

turn sideways, you can't really blame that on guns. You got to blame that on who your mama let nutted in you. Right. So we got dentists here to fix those things. So whoever nutted in your mama,

their mouth was compacted in the back. And so they didn't get their teeth cut down, so your teeth didn't come down. Right, that makes sense. So you need to go in there and get it done right because you done nutted in your wife and you don't want your baby to have no compact mouth. That's just my philosophy.

You're saying, basically, God is so busy with the production line of people that sometimes he's mispicking. No, he's not mispicking it. Y'all mispicking it. We mispick. I mean, he created it. He said, this is where he's going to have this problem.

This is where he's going to have that problem. It just so happens you don't check the fucking history of the person, and you have a baby by him. Okay. Okay. So? You heard it here from Miss Pat. Make sure you're picking the right person and not inside you.

Otherwise, you're going to have an impacted job. You're going to have a lot of shit. I mean, you think about it. If you have a baby by a cross-sided person, there's a good chance your baby might be cross-sided. What's the midget name? Oh, I can't say that word. No, yeah, you can.

What's the little short guy name? Brad Williams. If I had a baby by Brad Williams, do you really think I'm going to have a basketball player? brad williams by the way you should make a little black baby do you really think i'm hoping for he could be a hooper he could be a hooper your little baby your little short black baby so think about it i get it I get it I get it Be more selective

Be more selective Well a lot of people It's like I don't think we select it When we're looking for a relationship But when women go to the sperm bank They want to know everything About that nut

Yeah that's right They ask what the race is They ask the type of person That person was All kind of stuff But you see the man who had over 200 He was selling his sperm all the time He had like almost 200 kids

And they told me he can't donate no more nuts Because he got too much of his kids running around Too many kids, I know Yeah, that's how he was making his living Nothing in a cup Well, God bless, it pays good money That's what I've told him to do McCone, donate some sperm or some plasma

They don't take my nuts anymore They won't take redheads Sper. They won't take redheads. Sperm banks won't take redheads. Why is that? Look it up. Sperm banks won't take a redheaded sperm because nobody picks the babies. No one out of it. When they pick and they see that the donor was redhead, they don't want them.

Nobody wants me. Miss Pat, nobody wants me. Look at this. No, go down. There's a bunch of sperm banks. See, sperm bank, redheads not wanted. Don't bother donating at Cirrus International. This is NBC News said this. Cirrus International put out an article that said

that they're not taking redheaded babies anymore. Nothing against redheaded donors. They trying to get, they trying to... They have 140,000 doses of sperm from redheads And no one's taking them And that's enough That's what they say They don't want them anymore

Enough's enough We need brown eyed Scandinavians, Caucasians, Mediterranean donors And other ethnicities We're located in Scandinavia So that's the problem, nobody wants redheads up there And in Ireland they don't need any sperm donors Because all they're doing is fucking any sperm donors Because all they're doing Is fucking and drinking

That's all they're doing So they Over here They just trying to They just trying to They're trying to get rid of me Miss Pat Yes

They want to get rid of me Yeah They don't want any more redheads To exist anymore And don't you think I'm a beautiful specimen Don't you think I should last I think it's because

Your skin burns faster Okay Don't y'all burn faster No I have as much melanin in my skin as you do. Now, you ain't got no goddamn melanin. You and I have the exact same skin tone. Boy, I am black. I'm black.

Yeah. You think. You cut out the lights. You ain't no, you'll burn like a fucking french fry. You ain't never see me with no red neck. I have never, ever been sunburned in my entire life Really? No I'm sunburned right now

I know god damn it Cause my friend My co's on my podcast is red And he stay burnt up Yeah yeah yeah Yeah that's some hot I used to have this white girl Who was really close to me

And I took her to the To a barbecue one time And she burnt And I felt so fucking sorry for her. I was like, what do white people do to God when they can just walk around on fire? I mean, we was putting everything on this bitch. Ice cubes, suntan lotion.

We could, her neck was like a fucking, like if you had, you know, when you just stick your thumb in something and it's smashing and blow up red. I felt so sorry for her. Yeah, poor girl. We put a towel around her neck. I was like, how the fuck do y'all live like this? We don't. It's tough.

So she got invited to the cookout and she got burnt. Yeah, we didn't know she needed suntan. Look at that shit. Yeah, that's awesome. We didn't know she needed suntan lotion. Yeah, you better believe it. This nigga put Batman on his chest. That is, that's awesome. We didn't know she needed suntan lotion. Yeah, you better believe it. This nigga put Batman on his chest. That is, that's funny.

But you know, black people burn too. Black people burn too sometimes. So I was at a track meet years ago with a kid. And Saturday, all day long. And the next day, my skin was just peeling. And I was like, why my fucking skin peeling? And it went on and on and on for about a week. So I went to the doctor. He was like, why my fucking skin peeling? And it went on and on and on for about a week.

So I went to the doctor and he was like, your son burned. See? And then I said, we don't burn. He's like, yes the fuck we do.

Yeah, everybody burns. Yeah, so I didn't know we burned. We burned like ashes. Y'all burned like hell. Y'all looking like walking around with a barbecue grill on y'all fucking bed.

You get into a fender bender we get fatal accidents that's what it is you sure the fuck do yeah that's a bump that's a fender bender that's a that's a bump

and we get a car flipped on the freeway that's how bad we burn it is it is awful I mean it is debilitating I burned the top of my feet

one time when I was in high school on vacation in Florida and I almost went home. It was so bad. I couldn't fucking move. I could not fucking move. Like I just, I couldn't even walk.

It hurt so much because it all singed the top of my feet. I couldn't put my feet in shoes. Even sandals hurt. It's putting on socks hurt. Feel my plight, Miss Pat. This is what I have to go through. I don't understand. Show her my Instagram. This is what I have to go through. I don't understand.

Show her my Instagram. Show her what I just put up a picture of. Here, I'll show you. I was outside for a photo shoot. For about 10 seconds, I took this photo. Look at that. Butt naked on the beach, drinking white wine. Living my life.

And I didn't burn. You were not there long enough. No, I was out there long enough to take this photo. And after that, I went right back in the shade. I bet you you did. But look at the cake, Miss Pat. Give me some props on the cake. Look, there's a little bit of cake back there, a little cupcake.

All I see is a bat all the way down to your ankles. My bat goes from my neck to my feet. If you think that's cake, all righty then. All right, there's a snack. It's a little tiny snack cake. Yeah, it's a little baby treat. Hey, this theater tour that you're doing, are these all new theaters that you've never done? I've never done them. That's wild. I

think last time you were on the show, you had just started to maybe book the theaters maybe because you were doing clubs. I was doing clubs. Yeah, but you were selling out all the clubs that you had said you were starting to you were starting to i was starting to talk about it so now i'm so wild moving into theater big theater mama are you that's so fun you've done a few already though i've done a few about five or six already so i'm excited how huge the stress of theaters though because you know you can be in a 3 000 theater, and then you got a week over the whole weekend to push those tickets. But when it's a theater, it's one fucking night. Yeah.

And you're like, oh, a lot of these tickets ain't going to sell. It's hard. And, you know, when you go out your first time, you really want to do well. But I've been blessed. It's been rocking and rolling. Yeah, you've been doing good. I've seen you've been killing it. They should bring up the dates again so I can see.

But it is great because I think the thing that the fans don't know from a comics perspective is like, we love clubs just as much as I love theaters. Oh, yeah. I mean, I love the clubs because it's a different vibe. But what's wild about doing the theaters is I think sometimes it's hard for the fans to understand how amazing it is to perform in these big rooms. It's kind of, I don't know, it's a big point in my career. It was like a holy shit moment

because it's beautiful, ornate theaters. And it just is overwhelming because clubs are kind of intimate and dirty and small. There's something incredible about performing in a theater to get to that level. Scroll down. The energy is just... It's different.

It's different. Yeah, it's just different. And you're sprinkling a couple of clubs to keep it low. I like that. And the Vic in Chicago, my hometown. Okay. Two shows, mama. Let's go.

I got two shows? Two shows. That's what it says, right? It says new date unless one is switched out. Oh, no, no, no. Okay. Yeah, maybe one switch. At the Vic, January 12th.

Chicago, show up. From my girl, Miss Pat. January 12th in Chicago at the Vic Theater. That's one of my favorites. That's where I shot my first special, at the Vic Theater. Oh, wow. Yeah. That was big.

It's big for me. Like, what for you, the Wilbur in Boston? Love, love that. What for you, was there ever a venue for you that you were like, man, I want to play that venue? Do you have one like that or no? No. Is there anything in Atlanta that you've always wanted to play or no? I want to play the Fox Theater.

Yeah, right. So there you go. Yeah, so right now, December the 16th in Atlanta, I will be playing Center Stage. Center Stage. Oh, yeah, Center Stage. So I would love to play the Fox Theater one day. It's big, right? How many seats is Fox? to play the Fox Theater one day. It's big, right? How many seats is Fox? That's the Fox Theater in Atlanta. It's a big,

that's a big, big theater. But it's beautiful. That's so funny. It's like, we all have these like 4,500. Is that what it is? Yeah.

That's a big, beautiful theater. You'll play that next year. I'll play that next year. I'm putting that on my little to-do list. Play the Fox Theater next year. Now would you want to get to the point of doing like arenas

like all these comics are doing now? I mean, not all these comics, but guys like Chappelle and there's guys that are doing arenas. Yeah? Yeah, bigger theaters.

Have you played in an arena before? I played opening for Cat Williams. Yeah. Yeah. The one big one down in Louisville. Is he still doing arenas?

No? No. I don't know what he's doing but You don't talk to Cat anymore? No I don't talk to him I would love to I don't have his phone number But um That's when I wanted

That's when I knew I wanted that energy Yeah when you When I walked out And there was 30,000 people I was like What the holy fuck Yeah it's

I want this one day It's unreal That feeling is We did a couple with Burt Burt had a big theater tour. Are you going on a cruise? No, I'm not doing the cruise. I'm doing the cruise.

You're not going to catch me on a boat. I can't do that. No, thank you. See, that is, I am a land man, dude. Well, we also were on tour. I told them, they asked if I could do the cruise.

I said, I wish. Our tour dates overlap. And I try, this last tour I did with them, we snuck in a few dates. I did four, think or five or something like that but the cruise thing just the timing doesn't work out but also I said to Leanne I was like I'm not good on boats like that like I'll take out a boat with you on the weekend you

know someone that has a boat let's go have some fun out on the boat but living on a boat sleeping on a boat I get nervous miss Pat I get nervous out Miss Pat, I get nervous out on the ocean. I get nervous. Fuck, I get nervous when I go, like, when I go far away from home, out of the country. There was always, like, I have a moment, I have a day where I'm like, I'm so fucking far away from home. And that gets in my head a little bit. Like, if something happens, I can't get back. You don't ever feel that way when happens i can't get back you don't

ever feel that way when you're gone no you don't give a shit you're about to grow yeah yeah you're right yeah what do you got to get back to not like on the islands when we went to this island i just i felt you know like anytime i do that if i go to an island of hawaii or something like that or i always get nervous so i said on the boat i I couldn't, I don't know if I could do it. Where's it going? To Mexico? I think it's going to Jamaica. I can't remember.

Oh, shit. Okay. That could be fun. We'll see. I can imagine a bunch of white guys with no shirts on. Yeah, you see a lot of sunburn. You see a lot of fucking sunburn out there.

I'm going to take some lotion and sell it. Instead of shirts, your merch is just fucking sunscreen. SPF. Have you ever put on sunscreen? You've never put it on?

Not really. Never once? Well, now I'm older, so it comes in a lot of makeup now. Yeah, I've seen this. Yeah, my wife uses this tinted moisturizer.

Yeah, it comes in moisturizers and stuff like that now. Yeah, because she doesn't need to put on sunscreen, so she can just do that. Yeah. Lucky. I'm wearing it right now. I leave the house, I have to put it on. What, suntan? Yeah, if I don't put it on.

I'm quite sure the sun is shining. I know. I live here. I know I should move. Shoot you? Yeah, I should probably go to a place with less sun, go to Seattle or some bullshit like that, where I get the sun twice a year.

Yeah, fine. Well, take your ass back to Chicago. No thanks, man. I don't want to get killed. I don't blame you on that one. I don't like Chicago. No, yes you do. You love Chicago.

I love the people. I love my fans, but it's just too much for me. I don't get to see what the news show you you because I don't go to that side of town. I'm usually in and out, but it's a place that I don't care to tour. It's funny, man. I love Chicago so much. They got some good-ass food in Chicago. I will find the food during the day at the right time.

See? No, it's too dangerous. But Atlanta's not dangerous at all? Atlanta's dangerous, too. Yeah, Atlanta's got its shit, too. Everybody got their shit. I mean, Chicago's better at it But Atlanta's not dangerous at all. Atlanta's dangerous too. Yeah, Atlanta's got its shit too. Everybody got their shit. I mean, Chicago's better at it though. We're the best.

Chicago's probably the best at murder. Yeah, I'm quite sure they are. Y'all shoot babies. Well, not me. There's some people out there shooting babies. Yeah. Not me. But I think we might be number one.

Are we trending number one right now? Who's got number one? Cleveland. God damn. Cleveland, show up. Good for Cleveland, man. Cleveland's got to be the number one spot. Is that the highest murder in 2023?

Well, they got to kill somebody. No, Baltimore, Maryland. That's number five. All right. Cleveland number five? This is like Letterman. Remember Letterman's top ten? Top ten places to get murdered in the U.S.

Dallas. Dallas? I didn't know Dallas was bad like that. the U.S. Dallas. Dallas? I didn't know Dallas was bad like that. Keep going. Phoenix, Arizona. Really? Wow. Philadelphia.

Fucking, there you go. And Chicago. Number one. Highest murder rate in the United States, 2023. You got to be number one at something. Chicago, congratulations. Yeah, no, my parents, you know, it's so funny. It's like i love

chicago i do love i love my city but uh i don't know it's it's too expensive to live there anymore you know like it's gotten so so expensive and so priced they priced out everybody so everybody is broke atlanta is doing the same pricing out everybody so then what ends up happening is people people commit more crimes when you price them out of their own living situation. So what do you think is going to happen?

I try to tell them. I say, when you show underprivileged people what you got, they come to get it because they want to live right too. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Well, also, especially if they can't live where they used to live. If people used to live in a place and it prices them out of their own neighborhood, how could you be surprised that they come back to get something from you i surprised at all no like when i was a kid in chicago there was a there was a place called cabrini green was the projects

uh and they ripped them down i don't even know i mean i don't even know what year they stopped what year they kind of demolished a lot of those buildings, but they flipped that whole neighborhood, Cabrini Green, 2011. Yeah. So when I was a kid, I, we didn't live too far from Cabrini Green. It was not a, not a far away trip to get over there. And one of my schools that I went to was, uh, near it. And, you know, we just knew as kids, like nobody, you just don't go over there. It's just, you know, it's, you don't belong over there. Don't go, don't go to there this is you know it's you don't belong over there don't go don't go to the projects you'll get caught up so then they ripped it down and they put in super high-end high-rises and condos and all sorts of shit and i think that was the beginning of that kind of shit over developing underdeveloped neighborhoods with a lot of money a lot of

fucking new money and that's why i don't think crime is contained in chicago at all they i think they think it is for and then it you know people are gonna come get people are gonna come get come come get it if it's there you show it off i know some people they're gonna come get it that's why you're not flashy are you no i'm not flashy you have any flashy shit you got some flashy shit i have some flashy shit are you? No, I'm not flashy. Do you have any flashy shit? You got some flashy shit. I have some flashy shit. Do you hide it? No.

I just don't post it. Right, exactly. I walk the street with it, but I'm like, hey, look what I bought. I'm 51 years old. I'm not time for that shit. Because, I mean, what am I going to do? Yeah. I'm not, I don't live for the gram.

I don't have no need to impress anybody. I go to work every day and do what I'm supposed to do. There's no reason why I got to make you sweat or got my foot on this bitch's neck. I don't have to impress y'all. Right. That's why I don't do my stand-up online. I'm not going to run in no grocery store and do nothing silly just to make you motherfuckers happy. I don't want to put on this fucking makeup.

You see how many people with me today? I know. I don't want to put on this fucking makeup. You see how many people with me today? I know. I don't do this bullshit. There was two beautiful women in here doing your makeup, and I didn't get asked once if I wanted any sort of touch-up or anything like that. That's because you already rock. Come on, baby.

Come on. No, you don't put any of that bullshit online because that's the new game now, right? The new stand-up game is putting clips online. Well, I don't put my stand-up online. I do put my crowd work online. Sure. So, you know, and people are shocked.

They'll be like, oh, I thought you just had, you know, fucking crowd work. No, I'm going to give you an hour, and then I'm going to talk to you at the end. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you do an hour of your stand-up. An hour, hour and a half of stand-up, and then I do some crowd. Or I mix it in, but I do, I have a set.

So what do you do? Like a two-hour show? I try to really do an hour, hour 15. Yeah. Because any more than that is... I'm coming out of an hour

that I've been working with for over a year. So I'm also writing another hour. So as I pull those old, them new jokes out of the old set, I have to take up a little more time. Of course. I don't just go cold turkey

and throw everything away unless I shot a spaceship. Are you shooting another special soon? No. Good. See, that's so funny. It's like, I think it's a generational thing that like the older generation above me

was much more patient. I think the newer generation now is like, get it out, put it out, get it out, do another hour, do another... And I'm not impressed with the idea. I'm not saying the people of the material. I'm saying I'm not impressed with the idea of like, it's got to be out another hour.

You got to put one out every year. No, I don't have to do that. I don't think there's any weight to that. I mean, before... Well, it don't be good because... I have one special called Y'all Will Hear Something Crazy. I can rewrite all of those jokes way funnier than they are now.

Right. Because sometimes when I look at that special, I'm constantly tagging those jokes. Well, that's what happens. Oh, how the fuck I didn't think of that. So I just said, you know, I'm not interested. I'm selling out theaters. I'm going to change my set every 15 months. If somebody, what I want to do is,

I want to do it like other, I've seen Ali Sadiq do it. I've seen R. Sheffield do it. I would like to put my, you know, film and sell it to you. Right. So I can have some rights to it. Do it your own way.

I want to do it my own way. Yeah, I mean, that's the move. Then you own the material. Yeah, or drop it on Netflix. I mean, or drop it on YouTube and see how that goes. Well, then you can push it around now, right? Like, there's guys that put it on YouTube. Then you can put it on Amazon. Then you can move it somewhere else in a year.

I mean, the beauty of you owning all that shit is what we should have had from the beginning. It's what we should have taken the note from the music industry when you hear about, you know, musicians and artists finally owning their own shit. I think we should have done that years ago. I mean, we were all duped. I mean, I was when I was young, you know, Comedy Central signing these record contracts, two, three record contracts when we didn't know any better because I just wanted a couple of thousand dollars in my pocket. So if they guaranteed you a couple grand, I thought, fuck, I'll sign anything. I don't give a shit. I needed the money that bad. So now that we know we can own stuff, I think that's the new reality of our world.

It's like, fuck that. I'll just own it. And I'd rather take the loss and then make it back later because you're selling tickets than, you know, being at the helm under somebody's thumb again. Because we all did that shit. I mean, I don't know. Like, what was the first tv appearance that you did um the world funniest mom i think with rosanne barr oh that was really that was your first that's wild yeah world's funniest mom is that what it was rosanne barr

oh that's fucking great how was she by the way she was great Yeah, she's fucking wild. Look at that photo, by the way. The world's funniest mom. What year was it? Do you remember? No. Forever ago. Before Comic View, right? Before BET's Comic View.

Before I did Comic View, yeah. Yeah. World's funniest mom. No, but back then, right? You put your shit out there, and that was what it was. And you got a couple of bucks for it And then you hope for the next TV hit And the next TV hit

You just keep hoping for the next TV hit You know You just want to get some There it is right there Yeah the World's Funniest Mom Go up Go up the coming It's not there

Right there Go down Down That was my audition Uh huh Yeah America's Funniest Mom At Good Nights

Good Nights is still there In Raleigh right Raleigh But I play I play Mom. At Good Nights. Good Nights is still there. In Raleigh, right? Raleigh, but I play the improv. Yeah, Good Nights in Raleigh. I think I did it one time. How much time did you do on the show? Five minutes? Mm-hmm.

Yeah. It's so funny. Do you remember the feeling that you had when you were doing that? Because that's a long time ago. I was nervous. You had to be new, right? Yeah. I was probably funny. Do you remember the feeling that you had when you were doing that? Because that's a long time ago. I was nervous. You had to be new, right? Yeah. I was probably three, four years in.

Right. You remember those feelings when you did those showcases? You were nervous as fuck. Yeah. But kind of fun. Wasn't that fun nervous, though? Like, don't you miss that? When you perform now, you don't get those nerves anymore.

You get like... It's a different type of nerve you get you know walking out there and all those people out there for you and they standing up one of the things i always ask myself how did i get here do i deserve this so you know you were i worked 20 some years to get there and people always say like i i hate standing ovation i get them you hate hate standing ovation. You hate a standing ovation? Yes. Why? I don't know.

They're just showing you love. I know. They love you. I know, and I come out to it, and I'm learning now to accept it more. I just want to get to my set. You know, to me, it's almost like, it's like showing off, you know? And I don't like to show off,

but my team always like Pat you gotta take it in you gotta take it in so I'm learning to take it in take it in look people love you because your

your talent your presence your ability who you are and the thing that you bring and you do have to like enjoy that shit

cause look people aren't gonna be standing and clapping for us forever no they're not so I appreciate like enjoy that shit cause look people aren't gonna be standing and clapping for us forever no they're not so I appreciate it

soak that shit up I'm learning to yeah you better soak that the fuck up I think that's worth it I do I know that is hard it's difficult

sometimes to like let it sink but we try to do it as like a team when we all tour together you know I remind each other like after the show

sometimes we'll sit and we'll soak it up cause i think it's a fucking amazing you know in san diego we did 5700 seats or so i don't even know what it was and that was the biggest we had ever done me and bobby and we looked at the venue when it was empty i was like isn't that fucking amazing all those people can i mean it it's amazing i think it's incredible It I'm You know We're blessed So it feels really good And people are gonna keep coming to see you Until you sell out fucking arenas And never talk to me again

Well make sure y'all come to Minnesota And everything else on MissPatComedy.com Yeah go to MissPatComedy.com And go get those fucking tickets When does the show come out by the way? When does your judge show come out? It came October 18th

Oh it's out It's out It's out right now As of right now. funny. Please go watch it. BET, Hulu.

On BET, on Hulu. Well, it's on BET, but you can watch it after it airs. Everybody streams it. Yeah, well, that's the move.

Go watch it. Yeah, go watch it right now. What's it called? Say it again. Miss Pat Settles It. Miss Pat Settles It. That settles it, baby. Miss Pat Settles It. Right now, you can That settles it, baby. Miss Pat settles it.

Right now, you can see it all over the place. Go to Hulu. Go to BET if you want, but probably streaming it because that's what everybody does now. No one watches anything fucking live anymore. No, they don't. Look at that. And you film in Georgia? Do you film in Atlanta?

I film in Atlanta, yeah. Is this a Steve Harvey production? No. I feel like he does everything down there. No, yeah. Is this a Steve Harvey production? No. I feel like he does everything down there. No, he doesn't. No? You mean Tyler Perry. Oh, yeah, but yeah, yeah, Tyler.

But no, but doesn't Steve's production company down there too? I guess, I don't know, but no, it was $4.95. And Miss Pat production did that. Is this not the, you know, at the end of Family Feud, Made in Georgia, you know when they do that? That's one of these too? They say that at the end of your show? You Made in Georgia. You know when they do that? That's one of these two. They say that at the end of your show. You have to.

Everybody is right there. So they have to do that if it's shot in, yeah, state of Georgia because of the tourism or whatever. That's so fucking funny. I hear that ring in my head every single time I see that show. Go watch Miss Pat Settles It right now on BET and or Hulu. Go see Miss Pat on tour.

One of the funniest, coolest comedians working today. It's a pleasure to have you on the show, Miss Pat. Thank you for having me. Look into this camera, you beautiful, beautiful woman. And we end the show the same way. One word or one phrase to end the episode. Whenever you're ready, one word or one phrase. You go ahead when you're ready.

Do you, because can't nobody do you like you do you. Perfect. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You're that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. I like gingers.