Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Nikki Glaser

Episode Date: September 8, 2023

The glase is back on the show! Nikki Glaser talks about her love of everything Taylor Swift including the 50k she's spent on her shows! She talks about dark thoughts, love of a lakehouse, what all that touring will do to Matt Rife, and Santino shares some of his favorite Punk'd moments! #nikkiglaser #whiskeyginger #andrewsantino #podcast ============================================= SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS SQUARESPACE Get that site up and running now! 10% off your order https://squarespace.com/whiskey BETTER HELP Get the help you need from a licensed professional 10% off your first month https://betterhelp.com/whiskey DRAFTKINGS SPORTSBOOK Download the App and use PROMO CODE: WHISKEY AURA FREE 14 DAY TRIAL https://aura.com/whiskey ========================================= Follow Andrew Santino: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ https://twitter.com/CheetoSantino Follow Whiskey Ginger: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeyging... https://twitter.com/whiskeyginger_ Produced and edited by Joe Faria IG: @itsjoefaria Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What up, Whiskey Ginger fans? Welcome back to the show. If it's your first time joining the show, welcome to the show. We got a good one for you today, like my man Steve Harvey done say. It's Nikki Glaser. Man, do I love the glaze. So very funny. Catch her on the road constantly. She's working like a dog out there, and so am I. I'm on the road. Guess what? We are looking at adding more dates to the Bad Friends Pod Tour. So excited. We're going to be coming to Pittsburgh.

We have two shows in Pittsburgh, Rochester. We're also doing Cleveland. I think those are almost sold out. We're doing Boston. We're doing D.C. We're doing Chicago. We're doing Denver, Milwaukee, Madison, Minneapolis. Come see your boy.

Go to badfriendspod.com, badfriendspod.com. For people that want to know, we do stand-up. We do bits from the show. We have live interactive stuff with the audience. You're going to love it. Go to badfriendspod.com for those tickets. Enough rambling from the old redhead. Let's go to the episode.

In here, we pour whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk. You're that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are pugilistic. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent.

Ginger. I like gingers. How old are you? All right, Nikki. Fuck you. I'm 39. I'm 39, which is whatever you are in man years. Yeah, I'm 39. I'm going to be 40 this year.

Oh, you're 39? Yeah, I forgot we were the same age. I'm scared about it. Why? Because I had a palm reader a decade ago tell me I was going to die on my 40th birthday. Well, that's something to look forward to. This is all going to be over soon. I can't wait. On your 40th birthday?

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on Earth. I say that for all my guests, but I mean him once again today. It is the return of Nikki Glaser. Nikki has been on this show no less than five times. I think it's less. I think it's a four. It's been four.

Four or five. Maybe this is the fifth. This is maybe your fifth, I think. Yeah, I think it's less. I think it's a four. It's been four. Four or five. Maybe this is the fifth. This is maybe your fifth, I think. Yeah, I think it's the fifth. Nikki, cheers in the air. I can't cheers because it's not liquor. We're not drinking because you're sober and because I'm taking a break

because my liver hurts. Oh, really? Is it a recent break? I've been going in and out. I go in and out. I take breaks, too, from the things, my vices. You've got a lot of vices. So many. Don't we all? Let's go through them. Yeah. Well, drinking, and that's been an 11-year break almost. go in and out i take breaks too from the things my vices you've got a lot of vices so many let's

go through them yeah well drinking and that's been an 11 year break almost yeah you've been sober since almost well no when i met you you were sober yeah yeah definitely so uh yeah i was 27 um or 20 i don't forget but it was just uh yeah i decided to do it because i john mulaney didn't drink and i was like ah that's the difference between our careers. That didn't work out like you thought, did it? I didn't realize he was depending on other things, too. Drinking's bad. No, but I just remember thinking, like, it was at a point where I got, like, a pilot for an MTV show.

It was my first, like, thing. And I was like, I can't fuck this up, so I quit. And then I haven't started again but I do other stuff so yeah drinking weed yeah food but you do still smoke weed though uh off and on that's the thing that I have to take breaks from ketamine haven't done it yet have you no I have zero interest in it I know like Whitney and a bunch of people were doing it and so that's a good endorsement that's that's what I was like. That's how she got pregnant.

Oh, maybe I should stay away. On ketamine. Her K-dealer knocked her up. I'm sure it helped. I mean, she's thriving. Yeah, I think people are doing that. And I don't know what it does for you. Depression?

I think it's a horse tranquilizer. Isn't ketamine a horse tranquilizer? Oh, no. People usually use it for like, I think to knock you out. It's like you want to get wrecked on that stuff. I think it's for depression. Dissociative anesthetic used medically for induction and maintenance of anesthesia. Oh, wow.

Treatment for depression, pain management tool. Yeah, that's what I have is depression. Anything I do is trying to get me out of thinking I should kill myself. You don't want to. You're doing so well. Dude, like it just appears that way. Nikki, since I last saw you,

you continue on this ascension. It's small. No, I'm happy and I'm lucky but I do, I suffer with suicidal thoughts like all the time. Are you being serious right now? Yeah. Wait, why? Really? Is that shocking to you? Does not everyone No, Nikki, no. Wait, why

do you drink? Like what is, why do you have vices? Well, I have anxiety and depression, but I've never gotten to the- What's your depression look like then, if you're not thinking about killing yourself? My depression looks like I want to quit everything. Isn't that kind of? Not life. I don't want to end my life. Really?

I want to quit looking at this idiot coming to this place, doing this bullshit. What does that look like to you, though? Like, doesn't that mean death, though? No, ultimate freedom, sitting on a lake, drinking a beer, and fishing by myself. And you could do that. I mean, you could afford that lifestyle the rest of your life. But then you have to cut everyone out. And I mean mom and dad, my wife.

I mean, like, goodbye to everybody. That's my suicide. Yeah. Well, yeah, that's a similar thing. And you wouldn't be happy doing that, being all alone. I would. I think about it all the time. Really?

No. No, I'd be miserable. No, I feel the same way. I fantasize about killing myself. Like, literally. How would you do it? I soothe myself to sleep. I mean, I would probably...

I mean, I don't want to say because I don't want to spoil it because it's coming up. to say because I don't want to spoil it because it's coming up. I really like, I would probably slit my wrist in a bathtub so it would be easy clean up for whoever has to deal with it. And pills, I just feel like I don't want to be like,

choking and foaming. I don't want someone to find me like, I feel like in a bath I would just look good and the blood would tan my skin. It would be like a spray tan. And then it's easy cleanup. And I would write a note to the maid to be like, there's a dead person here calling EMT.

Don't scar yourself. I would be very responsible, but I've given this way too much thought. That's why I didn't like this question. What are we talking? Four seasons? We're in a hotel? I'd probably do it in a sad one because I'd want to save money because it's like I'd want to leave a lot of money behind. So I wouldn't want to like spend a bunch right before I go because that's going to go to my sister's kids.

That's who gets all your money? I would – yeah, probably them. Yeah, I would like that. I see you post your sister. Let's transition away from the saddest conversation we started with. Well – I see you post your sister. You can't do that to me.

You can't – we have to like make it fun. I me. You can't. We have to make it fun. I baited you. Yeah, we have to make it a little fun because then people are going to get concerned or they're going to go like do it or whatever. Yeah, don't do it at home. What music would you have playing in the background? Oh, I thought they were going to tell me to do it. Yeah, please don't kill yourself.

This is the thing. I won't ever do it and I want to just tell people if you're like me and you think about a lot, don't do it because people will care for like a week on facebook and then a week is a maybe three days two or three days i'm pretty i have for me a week i don't think so i think you get three days i think i'm gonna get 20 minutes on the daily mail like the front page yeah and it'll be replaced by reese witherspoon yeah we switherspoon takes her kids to get ice cream yes exactly and then it's gone yeah you, you just, you're not going to make the impact you think you want of like, everyone knows how sad I am.

Everyone's just fucking mad at you. You ruin lives. It's not good. So just keep going. Keep going. Die of cancer. It's going to get you. It's going to get you anyway.

Yeah. Don't get yourself. Yes, exactly. It's going to get you. But you want control. I think it's about control. Like I want to control it. But also that's why I'm never going to kill myself because I think that like I wouldn't be able to control.

Usually when I'm depressed enough to want to even think about doing that. And this is not constant. This is just like it's like I have these thoughts, but I'm never going to do it. Yeah. It's like having homicidal thoughts. I mean, people sometimes imagine wanting to look at you just not. You think about killing people sometimes or like fantasize? He does.

Yeah. Yeah. So you're not going do it though and i don't relate to that but i i do relate to like feeling soothed by like oh there's a nap wow that's crazy i don't ever feel that way i feel started at a young age i i feel well here's what's great for the fans to know because you seem on the outside man is it going good. I bet. Yeah, I guess. You moved home to St. Louis. Yeah.

Your parents and you are like best friends. Yes. Yeah. You love your sister and her husband. Yeah, I love. It's disgusting. Like, I see you. It makes me want to kill you.

That's where my hummus out of. I go, I want to kill this happy bitch. Maybe that's what I'm picking up on. Yeah. Everyone's energy. Yeah. No, I think that that's maybe why I talk about this stuff so much is because I think I get really depressed when I see people on Instagram and I imagine them killing it and I like get

jealous. And so I think that if anyone has that idea of me, I kind of like to dispel it. Who are you jealous of? Everyone. You? What are you talking about? You're doing great. I am so jealous of you. Who are you jealous of? Everyone. You? What are you talking about? You're doing great. I am so jealous of you.

What do you want? What do you mean? What do you want that you don't have? Okay. Well, I just want more people to love me because that's what I want. Everyone likes you. Okay, I get that. Since I've met you.

No, read the comments on this podcast and I bet it will be most. Well, they're going to hate you. Yes. They're going to hate you. This is who I want to love me is the people that will never love me. Well, they're going to hate you. Yes. They're going to hate you.

This is who I want to love me is the people that will never love me. You know, comedy savvy fans that like the kind of comics I like, they don't tend to like me. And I struggle with that a lot. But I also, it's almost like I have a lot in common with them. I don't like myself either. So sometimes I go. Same page. Yeah, same page.

You guys are right. You should just comment right on. Truth, truth. Yes. It's just your little symbol. Why does she keep coming back on this show? Why do people like her? She's not funny. All she talks about is depression. You read the comments.

No, I never do. I just assume that's what they say. I haven't read a comment since like 2013 or 14. So what are you talking? You don't even know. You're projecting stuff that isn't there. Sometimes I stumble upon it. Sometimes because if you look in my YouTube feed, it'll suggest me and then you'll see the first comment under it so i won't even want to see it it'll just pop up and that's where i get a

gist well we're gonna name this episode i like see a fucking uh subreddit where i'm like i follow like um comedian subreddits like comedians i like why would you do that and sometimes it'll suggest me it'll be like it'll show me like the bad friend subreddit. And then it'll, I'll see my name, like not my name, but like I will, yeah, sometimes see my name in different subreddits where I'm like, ah, and then you can't stop reading once you see your name. But I won't ever seek it out. I never see it. I couldn't.

You don't? I couldn't fucking care less. Good. Well, they love you. Everyone loves you. Nah, I mean, look. You're killing it. Even people that hate you.

Who the fuck cares? Okay, here, do you want to know why I'm jealous of you? Do you want a list? It'll be fun. Yeah. It'll make you feel good about fuck cares okay here you want to know why i'm jealous of you do you want a list it'll be fun yeah it'll make you feel good i'll do my list of why i'm jealous of you you do why you're jealous of me you get jealous too i know you do um not really what andrew well not jealous no not jealous i wish i had more for myself but i didn't it's not in comparison to others like if i said here's here's, I'll say this, I'll be bummed that I don't have something, but it's me. It's not because someone else got it. I'd be like, man, I really wish I could achieve that.

Right. Like it's not in comparison to a peer. It'd be me going, I want a X, Y, Z. I want one bad. But you don't feel like because they have it, you can't have it. No, I don't give a shit. There's so much more cake to go around. There's no way.

There's not like limited slices. I get that. I just. I don't believe that. I believe it is an endless pit of availability. I guess I'm not. I feel the same way. But sometimes I just go, man, I wish I had that trait that got them that.

Because I am lacking that. And therefore, I'll never have that thing that I want that they have. And I'm glad they have it. and therefore I'll never have that thing that I want that they have. And I'm glad they have it, but I also wish I had that, you know, your ability to, you're really good at, like, look at the studio. Look at the Bad Friends studio. You're good at, like, putting together things and being professional and I hate to say you're good at marketing because that sounds like

I'm taking away from your talent. You're infinitely talented. No, I'm trying to market, yeah. You're very good at marketing, which is, like, taking away from your talent you're infinitely talented trying to market yeah you're very good at marketing which is like a huge skill to have and it takes a really smart person and you're also just like um effortlessly funny all the time and you don't seem to have to like try that hard and um you also you're very quick you're very fast uh talking and and your brain works really fast you're really good at improv you're really good at like just coming coming up with a wacky bit

and then going off on it. And I lack that skill. No, but you have so many other... Will you clip that and send that to me? I want to fall asleep to that every night. Yeah, I could keep going. No, stop. You book all these gigs.

You're constantly in shows and you're such a good actor. We're not talking about gigs right now. Well, you don't anymore because you could be. We're on strike. Oh, yeah. Well, i'm not promoting anything i just when i see something it's very nice of you wow he's good here's but here's what i see of nikki glazer sorry hold on i forgot this part of it i don't i always have somebody text me um is nikki there yet can you please ask her to kill herself why would someone that? How did my mom get your number? Hold on. We keep skipping and you and I will do this because our brains work in the same way.

By the way, you are so smart and so funny and I'm not going to go back and forth with you. And you're beautiful and lovely and you've only gotten sweeter, funnier, and better looking as I've known you. When I first met you, you were stupid ugly and so dumb that is a good thing when I was 27 hideous I was not no yes it's so funny like

I look back in my 20s and that's supposed to be when you're like your hottest because I look at all these 20 year olds on Instagram they're just oozing hotness they can't help it and like I did everything to not have any of that come out. I can't believe I ever had a... You're the hottest you've ever been. Yeah, it's going to start diminishing, but that's really nice. I don't know. You're like in your groove. I think I kind of peaked in 2019, if I'm going to be completely honest.

Pre-pandemic. Yeah, I was like... I did feel pre-pandemic Nikki. I was like, wow. It was like 10 pounds ago, which is probably my best spot. And then through the pandemic, I was like, I don't know about her anymore. Oh, yeah. My hair was falling out.

I was just not getting spray tans regularly yet. Well, no, it's going to. That's very nice of you to say. And I try to keep working hard. But I like that you said I'm nicer than ever. You're sweeter than you've ever been. That's nice. I think the good thing that success can do to people sometimes is make them more um appreciative of life it's also

we get older you get older and you're like i don't know if i have time to not be nice anymore were you not nice at any point yeah oh yeah oh yeah i'm not nice sometimes some it depends on who it is really you can just be comfortable being being mean to someone if they suck yeah if they suck like i'm not gonna be maron i'm not like vitriol but i mean like i can be if i don't like you i can be fucking they know people know yeah it's pretty obvious when i don't like people right i i just can't hide it what makes you not like someone because i feel like you're an overall pretty nice person um the thing that turns me off the most about people is like, you know, that they're,

that they, when people think they're the shit, when they like think that they're like their boss shit, like when they're on it, when they feel like they kind of, they think they've got it like that. Like I think, I'm trying to think of a name, but I can't name anybody. It's otherwise get me but you can like think of i know someone right now yeah they kind of like think they're the shit you just like do it this it'll be fun to like each i think we've done that before on this yeah we have we have we've told each other people that we're like this fucking guy no but i think for the most part

uh yeah you know what it comes with age but And I've been trying to say this to you. I watched your Family Feud episode with mom and dad and your sister and your brother-in-law. And I was like, when I was 24, I'd be like, whatever, this is bullshit. What is she doing? And then you get older and you're like, how fucking amazing to be on TV with your parents goofing around. you're like, how fucking amazing to be on TV with your parents goofing around. It's just, that's what I'm saying. As you get older, you just start to humble out your thought process even. It's the same way when I was young. If somebody told me they were a White Sox fan because I was from the north side of Chicago,

I'd be like, fucking, fucking loser. Then you reach an age when you're like, who cares? It's just about wherever you're born. I enjoy it, you enjoy it. It means nothing. It's all good. Yay, rude, who cares? I think you just wherever you're born. I enjoy it. You enjoy it. It means nothing. It's all good. Yay, rude. Who cares? I think you just start to like humble out your aggressions.

And that's what's turned me a little bit nicer as I've gotten older because I just don't care as much anymore. Less judgmental and just knowing even when like a person who thinks they're really cool, I'm even able to now be like, wow, how sad their life must be. be like, wow, how sad their life must be. And I kind of feel bad for them that they have to always act cool or project whatever it is. And so I can find that empathy. But I can also still be such a fucking cunt and just gossipy little bitch

and wish the worst on people, like in my worst moments. Who's the person you were jealous of that you thought of when you said you're jealous of somebody? Oh my God. I got jealous the other day. I don't even want to say it because I don't even know if it's out there

but a comic has a kid that I found out and I didn't know she was ever pregnant and all of a sudden they're like, yeah, she has a baby. I was just furious at myself. I don't want kids. I don't want a kid. Are you still in a relationship? You are.

Are you guys going to do the married thing? Possibly, yeah. But want kids. I don't want a kid. Are you still in a relationship? You are. Yeah. Are you guys going to do the married thing? Possibly, yeah. Whoa. Yeah. But not kids, I don't think. No kids. You've said no thank you. Well, I was going to freeze my eggs in January, and I was like really just because I don't

want kids now, and I just kept crying about the process. I was just like, this isn't for me and the boyfriend I'm with now. This is if I break up with him and I meet a guy who won't adopt and won't do a donor egg. Like I'm planning this because I would do both of those things. I don't care about it looking like me or whatever. And so I was like, I'm doing this for like a future man that doesn't even exist. I'll just not do this and go see Taylor Swift eight times. Have you gone?

Eight times. Fuck off. You've gone eight times. Have you gone? Eight times. Fuck off. You've gone eight times? Ninth is coming up next week. This is the reaction I get. It's not good. Are you being serious? You've gone eight times?

I've gone eight times. Wait a minute. If I'm not working on a weekend, I just fly to whatever situation. You obviously have a hookup with them. I got one eventually, but I've spent $50,000 to $60,000. I don't have a car. $50,000 on Taylor Swift tickets? And not just tickets, like the flights for my friends. She knows who you are, right? She must at this point, but I'll say $50,000 in

hotels. I fly all my friends out. We make it a weekend. I've done this eight times. How come I don't get a text? You don't think I want to go to Taylor? I don't think you would. You don't think I want to go to Taylor Swift? I will totally have you go. I'm a little offended. Would you enjoy it?

No, I wouldn't go. I'm kidding. That's insane. You wouldn't go? No, I would go. With you, I would go. No, it would be so fun. I would go.

It's fun. It would be something I would. This is one of those moments where like I would never go or think about it. But if you text me and said, you know how fun it'd be if you came and i'd go yeah i'll go i would love i would go because it's the the the idea is more fun yeah and i think you have a good time because it's just a spectacle and she's infinitely talented there's just no way you can't just appreciate her no i do she's very talented it's just one of those things where you're like i wouldn't go see her beyonce incredible i wouldn't go unless someone was like dude dude, we have a Beyonce thing.

I'd be like, I'll come. Yeah, I'm the same way with certain stuff. $50,000. I know it sounds insane, but that's what I was going to spend on freezing my eggs. So I was like, okay, I can justify this cost this year. Eggs, Taylor Swift. It's all in that basket, baby. All of them.

Because I was going to go to maybe one or two because I just didn't want to overdo it and then my boyfriend was like you should go to every single one you can this is the thing that brings you most joy in the world you go to Taylor Swift sing-alongs you're constantly playing your music you're constantly singing your music it is the number one thing that you love if you gotta go every chance you can you don't know when she's gonna tour again and and you're you're doing well. I don't spend a lot on – this is the most I've ever spent on anything, even close. I've never spent this much money on anything.

Do you guys buy a house in St. Louis? No, I rent an apartment. I bought my mom a car. I drive her a car. I don't buy nice things. Why don't you want a home or somewhere to live? Too much commitment. I don't want any – I don't like to commit to anything.

Since I've met you, you've been a nomad For a while you were living No, for a while After New York you were here for a little bit And then I remember you saying You felt like disappearing from here And then when you moved to St. Louis I was talking about the earth

I'm putting it all together I realize this is an all kill yourself episode In here, we pour whiskey. This episode of Whiskey Ginger is brought to you by Squarespace. Hey, I've talked about Squarespace so much over the past couple of years that they've been working with us on this show because I love it and I use it. The first site I ever built was through Squarespace, and I absolutely love what they do and what they provide. I think my favorite thing about Squarespace, if you're building a site, I don't care what you're doing. You're selling something.

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and I was in between apartments. But then I just, no one seemed to notice I was there, and I don't feel pressure to do podcasts and stand up every day. There's nothing going on. Yeah, so I can relax and... Would you buy a house in St. Louis and live there permanently? Yeah, I'm thinking about it. Like if my boyfriend and I, he's going to move in this summer and then if we like that

situation, we're going to look into buying a house together. Oh, you don't even live together? No. Gosh, what a life, huh? Isn't it a great life? You get to go home alone. Yeah. And just be in your home by yourself.

Yeah. Yeah. Wow. It's kind of sad. I like roommates. How many nights a week does he sleep over? Two or three. And then you go over there two or three?

No, he's always at my place. So it's either you come to me or it's not happening, pal? He doesn't like to have me over. We like my place better. I have a really nice couch and TV set up. And it's just like the things we like to do, it's better at my place. But look at that, dude. Five nights a week or four, you get to just-

That I have to myself. Wow. But then it's on the road for two of those, so. Yeah, well, those are, but hotels are sad. See, hotel alone makes me sad, but a house or apartment alone- Exactly. I love.

So nice. See, I love that. You can wander around, talk to yourself. Yeah. Look crazy. I do, yeah, walk around, look crazy. I play. Play music.

Play music and play guitar and sing, and no one wants to hear that shit. It's terrible. So I just like, it's really, it's great. But now that he's going to move in, the dynamics are going to change. That's why we'll need a bigger place because I want that, we still want our private space.

Do you like sleeping in the same bed at night? Yeah. Yeah, I don't like that anymore. You don't like it? I don't like it anymore. My friend, Brian Frangie, who's on my podcast now, he and his wife have separate bedrooms. I sometimes will sleep in the other room just because if I'm late from shows, I get home late from doing a run of shows.

Yeah. You don't want to wake her up. A, I don't want to wake her up. I also don't want to sit there reeling from the show, vibrating energy in the bed. Oh, right. I want to be alone. Good reeling, bad reeling, either. It's both.

It's kind of like because you're thinking about the thing and thinking about what I'm putting together and where I'm going and what I want to do. Wow, see, bad reeling, either It's both, it's kind of like because you're thinking about the thing And thinking about what I'm putting together and where I'm going And what I want to do Wow, see that, I'm jealous of that You're like analyzing your set I just dump it right after because I'm like I can't think about it Because if I look too closely I'll know I'm not talented Do you ever do that?

Yeah, if I look at it I don't ever listen to a set of mine I did yesterday I like forced myself because I'm like Nikki Nikki, you can do this. You did some good stuff like in that set last night. You remember it. My fear is I listened to it and it's not as good as I remember and that actually happened. It was not

that good. It was bad? It was fine but I'm like, wow, am I one of these comics that thinks I kill and don't? No, you do. No, I do. But it was, I just thought there was going to be a lot more little things I said on stage that would end up in the act, you know?

And I was like, well, this was worthless. Well, I know. I mean, I don't listen to it as much as I used to. What I usually do now is the moment I get off stage, I'll voice text myself

the two or three things that I really liked. Ooh, that's good. Yeah, so I don't love listening to it as much as I used to listen to it years and years and years ago. And now I'll just be on my way to my car. I always just go, this tag, I like that tag.

I wouldn't even want to listen to that of myself. Yeah, that doesn't matter. No, no, no. Voice text, meaning like, say it. I'm not sitting there typing. I just quickly want to get it out. Got it. So that it'll just remind myself.

Because if I sit there and start to type it, even I won't know how to communicate it to the way I'm typing it. So I just need to be like, this tag was really good and say this and this word and this word. That way it'll just see little nuggets when I text myself and go, oh, yeah, that makes sense. Okay, I'm going to start doing that. It helps because I'll just take two or three things from what I did and that'll stick it out. And then the rest of the stuff I can throw away. But at night, if I'm humming, that's what I always say. And she'll say that.

She's like, oh, you're humming right now. When like my energy is big when I get home, I have to go in the other room. And I'll play with the dog until I go to bed. Because it's like, I can't, I'm not one of those people that can go home, brush my teeth, lay in bed and go to bed. It's fucking impossible.

Well, you masturbate. I don't jerk off at night. I jerk off first thing in the morning, 5 a.m. Because I have the hum, too, but I put it in the... That's how you get it out? I eat or I do one of my vices. Oh. Yeah.

You either eat, jerk off... Reddit. Read Reddit. See, you do dig deep down there. Oh, I love Reddit. It's my favorite. So eat, jerk off, Reddit, and do you play music? Does that help?

No, that's something that I do when I'm in a good mood. No, it's not something that I do. That's when you're happy. So you jerk off when you're sad. Yeah. Or just wanting, honestly, I jerk off when I want to eat a lot, and I don't want to eat anymore. So I'm like, okay, I'm going to do the next thing.

Don't get a sandwich, Nikki. I'll eat a lot. I'm an emotional eater, so I'll come home and be stuffing my face, and then I'll go, let's just put this energy elsewhere. So then I jerk off, and then I'll eat a lot. I'm an emotional eater, so I'll come home and be stuffing my face. And then I'll go, let's just put this energy elsewhere. So then I jerk off and then I go back to eating. It goes back and forth until I can fall asleep. Until the melatonin kicks in. So you take a bunch of melatonin and start eating and jerking off at the same time.

I take 20 grams of melatonin. Sometimes I take it on the way home. I bring it with me to the gig so that it's like I don't. That's fun. Because I just don't want to get in that spiral, but yeah. You're the escapism thing for you. Yes.

Constantly trying to escape. Well then what's the end goal? What's Nikki's end goal? I'm really, the weird thing is like when I think about my goals, I am happy now. Like I know I just said that I think about killing myself all the time or something, but that's just like, it's like getting, it's people that get like, I don't get physically sick ever. Yeah. Me neither. I never get colds. I never get anything. I don't get physically sick ever.

Yeah, me neither. I never get colds. I never get anything. We may have talked about this before. I'm sorry if I'm repeating any stories from past things, but I get just mentally sick. So it's just like when people – I have friends who get colds once a month or they're just like the flu. They're constantly getting it. That's what I get in the head.

So it's manageable. It doesn't ruin my life um i'm actually i'm pretty pretty happy i've like my boyfriend recently was like let's write down like our five-year goals like let's see if we want to go in the same direction and i'm like just this this is good five years like i don't want even like i guess hosting snl was always like this benchmark for me where i was like that would be cool and fun but I honestly if I got that call I'd be like oh god this is going to be a fucking lot of work you know the things you get asked to do where you're like I gotta say yes but Jesus Christ that is going to

ruin my life for a couple months would you want to do it? yes! you would? yeah I mean I would do it because I can do like impressions like a little bit and it'd be fun I've never let that part out of myself or, I would do it. Because I can do impressions a little bit and it'd be fun. I've never let that part out of myself or trained myself to do it. How come I've never seen you really get into it? Because it's embarrassing.

It is. Because you lose it right away and then you can't get it back. And people are just staring at you to be like, no, you were doing it before. And then you kind of just have to change the subject because I can't get it back. I lose it. Yeah. It's like improv. I get so nervous.

Anything I have to come up with on the spot, I need it to be prepared. Right. Well, SNL is prepared. Yeah, so I think I would love it. But yeah, so I guess that. But honestly, I'd be fine if that didn't happen. Think of all the people that have hosted SNL that you don't even know of anymore. In the 80s and 90s, even the 2000s, it doesn't matter.

No, it doesn't matter. Nothing matters. No, it doesn't matter at all. These big things you get, and then just a little, like, the walk of fame. Do you ever, like, look at the stars and be like, who the fuck is that? It's so depressing because this person was the most famous person. Who's Sheila Beauregard? Yeah.

She was unbelievably famous. Yes. I don't want any accolades. I don't want any of those things. What do you want? Like, what are your goals? Because this is interesting. I want to work and continue to create and grow an audience

until I'm dead. That's all I really want. I genuinely don't want a fucking trophy. I don't want a fucking star. I don't want to... You want more money? If I could keep doing what I do now... This amount of money is great. I've said this before. If you could seriously... If I could keep doing what I do now. This amount of money is great.

I've said this before. If you could seriously, if I could sign with the devil in blood and go, this is it. You're never going to grow higher than this, never going to get lower. This is it for the rest of your life. Fucking sign me up. That's not saying a ton because you make a lot of money. No, I don't. He knows.

What did I make last year? 86 grand? 90 grand last year? There. I made 90 grand. He knows. What did I make last year? 86 grand? 90 grand last year? There. I made 90 grand. He knows my books. That's my accountant. I have a 24-year-old accountant who's never been to school.

He never went to accounting school, but he cooks my books. He has TurboTax. He downloaded the Pro. Yeah, I agree with you. I'm not wanting to be a hundred millionaire or whatever this feels good life is great i'm so appreciative because i have friends that are super rich and they're just as they're more miserable than i am or whatever it is they're way more miserable and we all know that but um yeah it's we're at a perfect level and perfect level of fame i think you and i are around

the same level where you get recognized maybe twice a week? No, I get recognized a lot now. Really? Now it's a lot. Like every time you go out? Yeah. Okay, well then you're more famous than me. No, but it's different famous. It's like you're, it's just different.

It's because of bad friends and Dave just got off the air. So like people see you a lot and you're in the internet zeitgeist, so they see me a lot. So young people. If I go to like you know a restaurant with uh grown adults professionals no they don't nobody knows me but young people yeah young people because we're all over fucking tiktok and right all that shit so that's great that's really fun it is yeah i guess yeah it's to have the to have young people be your fans is

where you want to be yeah but they always well always, well, for me, they cross their eyes and they do bits from the show from bad friends. They'll go, I'm Bobby Mom. And they'll yell at me in public, which is fun. Yeah. But it's also like, hey, man, I'm just getting a coffee. I got to get out of here. Don't you feel cool that young kids like you? Yeah, I guess.

I don't know. Some of them. I'm sure some of them are like, fuck that guy. Yeah. No, they're not. I want to attach to the youth a little bit because it is weird when I see older comics. Like, I can't say this comic's name, but I admire this person very much. And they said to me that they're quitting soon.

And it kind of fucked me up. And I was like. Would I be shocked at this? No, you wouldn't be shocked. Okay. You would be like, right, that makes sense. But it's weird to hear it. I was like, and he said it very genuinely.

And I was like, shut the fuck up. And he was like, no, man, I don't have the connective thing anymore with the newer audience. And I was like, well, you know, and I didn't want to say anything. But I was like, it is crazy to hear someone kind of ready to say goodbye it was just a weird it felt so strange because we were you know we're on kind of this precipice of working with the youth and understanding the culture of the internet and growing and changing and you know he's from another era and it's like he doesn't even want to try this bullshit so he was like I'm out I mean I'm i'm really intimidated by it and and scared of it and don't do it i'm not on tiktok or any of the things i but you're on fucking tv all the time

yeah but that's dying like that's my fans are older that's the thing like i i relate to that guy being like i can't do this and i'm too embarrassed to do it now at this point and um and there's something about that made me very sad i almost like cried when you were saying like this guy's just like i can't do it anymore i'm giving up but there's also like not giving up he just wants to say good night he's ready to say good night yeah i i'm very successful by the way it's not like so he's gonna be okay oh well he's more than okay this is what would you do if oh wait you just like say goodbye to all your friends and family and be on a dock i want to be on a lake so bad.

I want to be on a fucking lake so bad. So that's a goal. Midwest. Get a lake house. Well, I'm looking right now. We're trying. Oh, nice. But the problem is-

You're trying for a lake house. We're trying for a lake house. We've been trying for a lake house for a couple months. We went to a doctor. He said, my sperm looks good. Her eggs look good. So we're trying for a little lake house. Just a little tiny little lake house,

just a little tiny Asian lake house. I just, I want that thing because I've always, when I was a kid, a Midwest kid, people's families that had lake houses, like real, like not shanties, not shanty shack, we were talking before. Like Michigan lake house? That's what I would want.

Yeah, like a, fuck it, but like a lake house. Like we've been to shanty shack we were talking before like Michigan lake house that's what I would want yeah like a fucking but like a lake house like we've been to shanties my grandmother's sister had a a little like a fucking one bed one bath that they split with another family

and it was like it was hilariously small and it was on a lake called I've said this on the show Lake Delavan which is like the sad

it's like the sad sister lake you can't even like water ski on it it's a bad shit it's a shit lake and then I would see families that had

like these fucking like a lake house yeah and you're like I want that I want to wake up and look at the lake walk out to the dock

and like have coffee on the dock exactly and it's peaceful and you see people going by and you wave wave yes

that's what I want to wave at a guy who was buying a skiff yes it would be so great I love it too and I want to throw a ball with my dog and you know like there's something about that's what I want to wave at a boat. Wave at a guy who was buying a skiff. Yes. Yes. It would be so great. I love it too. And I want to throw a ball with my dog. There's something about-

That's real nice. And also, I'm always partial to lakes over oceans because we didn't grow up around the ocean. Then when I got to the ocean, I was like, this is fucking kind of gross. It's scary. When I got here, I was like, this is kind of shit. Oh, right. You can't just go way, way out.

Like, no, you'll die. Yeah. It's like, wait a minute. Everything we grew up in with water meant like you could just go swim out into the lake and that's it that was fine lakes lakes are where it's just so safe it's so safe it is so that's my that's my that's my end game that's all i want is you gotta do that soon trying i'm really trying yeah it's hard to find stuff because everything is everywhere that you'd want to be is expensive and it's almost like

and you want one of those so that's gonna be and how do I get there too that's the other thing is like is it convenient to get to fly into Traverse City Michigan

no exactly it's gotta be it's gotta be a little bit more convenient one day oh speaking of the ocean I watched this documentary you have to see this

it's so it's on Netflix is it depressing of course it is it's so dark you would love this no I don't know is it like animals no no no no, it's on Netflix. Is it depressing? Of course it is. It's so dark. You would love this. No, I don't know. Is it like animals? No, no, no, no, no, no. It's about free diving.

Oh, wait, I saw an ad for that. Oh my God. The deepest, the longest breath or something? Yeah, the deepest breath. So these people could stand underwater for like minutes, like 11 minutes. This woman, the story's incredible. I don't want to give anything away. Oh, I can't wait. But it's so powerful. This woman breaks the world record for free diving she don't she goes down 105 meters down that's that's times

three that's this that's the that's the statue of liberty down and back oh my god that's how far she goes and it'll fuck you up the way that they like hold their breath and the way that they have to like basically black out on the way up are you holding your breath when you watch it? 100%. To see how long you could do it? You don't make it that way. And the anxiety is already so thick in your chest because of the way that they do the story. But yeah, they deep dive on these ropes. Why?

And they have to grab these flags. Because it's impressive. It's an athletic feat. It's unbelievable. I didn't know if there was something down there that they were getting or something. Taylor Swift tickets. There's two Taylor Swift tickets at the bottom.

Can you imagine? You know how many people would die going down to get those? Oh, so it would be, yeah, the submarine thing. Wait, tell me. What's the average ticket price? Well, I've done like front row and third row. So I would say it's like $1,500 for the average ticket price. Because I read, what did they say?

She was going to make over. You know, resale. Right, right, right. Well, because no one got them straight up, right? No. Didn't Ticketmaster crash? say? She was going to make over a million. You know, resale. Right, right, right. Well, because no one got them straight up, right? No. Didn't Ticketmaster crash? Yeah, it was hard.

Look at this. Type in how much money is Taylor Swift going to make this year on tour. Oh, and Haim's opening up for her. Haim. Haim, sorry about that. Sorry to my Jewish brethren.

No, Haim. Haim. She's making so much. I think they said this year she's going to make over a billion on tour. Yeah. 570 million at least. But then they're keep adding dates. That's ticket sales make over a billion on tour. Yeah. $570 million at least.

But then they keep adding dates. That's ticket sales. That doesn't include merch. Oh, merch she's making. I heard some numbers. So what would Taylor Swift do with all this money now? I don't think she's after the money. I really think she likes touring.

That's like the joy of going to these shows is that it doesn't feel- Then why are the tickets so fucking expensive? Well, the original price isn't... I know, but they could control it somehow. I think she's trying to. I mean, didn't they go to Congress? Don't you think if you really were an artist that were like... And I'm not shitting on her at all. I'm just saying

don't you think if she really wanted to she could sell them independently from her website? They could create a... She could literally build... She could literally build a site through her instead of having Ticketmaster. Maybe. But, yeah, look at this. So this is... Is this this weekend? No, it's next...

So this is one of the LA shows, and she's doing like, I think, like six of them? A thousand dollars. A thousand dollars for nosebleeds. Wait, a thousand dollars for nosebleeds? Yes, and behind the stage, look at what he's looking at. Look at the stage. Go to 506, that section. So when you're behind,

oh my, look at the photo. Click on the photo. $1,026 to be behind the stage, everyone. So you can't even see her. You can't see the screens, which is like the best part of the show. You don't even get to see her. You could maybe see her a little bit

and she might like, you know, turn around and wave at some point. So this is what I always find interesting. Why doesn't she do it in the round? Like some of the artists that do the round? That is interesting. She could have sold a lot more tickets. I don't know.

I think maybe to have that big screen because you need that screen. That's a whole part of the show. It's a huge part of the show. There's close-ups of her. They shoot it beautifully. So if you go, you have a great time no matter where you're sitting

because the screens are so good. Because I've sat all over that goddamn place. You have. I've been in every seat. It's so funny to think of something that you're so into. Eight times is beautiful. It's like Grateful Dead. It's like Phil Hanley with the Grateful Dead.

Except the Grateful Dead has so much history. Their tours are embedded in part of the culture. And this is, I mean, Taylor swift's tours are also embedded in my culture this is like like as a swifty it's like a big deal and i haven't i've only been to one show before eras so i just became like a massive have you ever met her yes at the red tour um the first one i went to and i wasn't a fan yet i mean i was a fan but i was not even close to what i am now and um and she was so nice we I just remember saying to her like I can't believe that was you out there like you're just standing here and you're

like a normal girl like I and I think that's like kind of my dream for someone to say to me that's what I like when people say to me what you are to them yeah like when I meet fans and they're just like you're just so normal and nice I'm always just like ah that's what I said to Taylor like it makes me feel because she that's why I think I like her, because she is normal and seems really humble, and she is a nice person. I know people that know her, but she's also so larger than life and so talented.

How tall is she? 5'11". Maybe 5'10.5". How tall are you? 5'9". 5'11". She's 5'11". One day, you know? I gotta get that surgery among all the others maybe I'll go invite me and I'll go I'll fly I would love for you to go I'll go I swear to god I'll go why not okay I wouldn't I wouldn't say no to an experience like the next one well who are you going with Esther

and Lester yeah she wrote me was like I really want to go to eras with you and I was like I'll do it and so we were gonna look into spending a lot of money But we got a hookup She got us a hookup Esther did? Yeah Wow Yeah

She's got the hookup Yeah Because I was like I can check my hookup But I think it's going to be hard for LA And she was like You inspired me to ask my hookup So she texted someone

That she had only texted once before in her life Like met randomly That she thought might have it Oh wow And they got them? She came through big time. One of these L.A. shows. We might get to meet Taylor.

One of these L.A. shows. Next weekend. Oh, shit. We're going on the 5th. I met Taylor before she knew who I was. Wait, you met Taylor Swift? Yeah, she still doesn't know that we met. I mean, I met her.

We punked her with Justin Bieber in 2010 or whatever. Wait, tell me what happened. We did. Look up. Look up. They put it back on the internet. We had, I actually wrote this bit.

Really? Yeah, I wrote this bit. It was kind of fun. Yeah, the wedding one. There she is with Justin. Look at how young Justin was when I first met him. Oh my God.

And they don't get along anymore, I don't think. He was a little boy. What we did was we rented this Malibu beach house and we said he was finishing his album there and we invited her to come over and write some songs and hang out.

And just, not collab, but just to hang out and play music. And Justin just got back from a tour from Japan, and we had told her he had new music he wanted her to hear. How have I not seen this? Where are you? I'll come up. No way. And I wrote this stupid bit, so I'm very proud of it.

This is so good. And then I said, you know, they came back from Japan. They had these fireworks and that's Ryan good. And we said, that's his, you know, his boy. And we said, we rigged them up to the house. And he's like, look, you press these buttons and these fireworks go off. Right. And they would shoot out over the ocean like that.

You can see, and they, they, they blast over the ocean. And he's like, Taylor, come press one of the buttons, come press one of the buttons. And she's like, no. And look, there's huge fireworks going up. There's a boat out there with a wedding going on. I'm on that boat. It's a wedding party. And she shoots one off. And then, of course, the second flare goes off.

And then it hits the boat. And it lights it on fire. Stop. Oh, my God. And that was us. And then the wedding. And then we swim to shore. Oh, this is not.

She is not going to be happy. Oh, no. It's you with the bride in a pontoon boat coming up to the shore. Watch us get hit by this wave. It's hilarious. Oh, my God. And it was chaos. I'm dragging.

Look at me dragging my wife through the sand. How crazy is this? At any point, this could all be. I mean, she is buying it, though. Oh, she bought every second of it. Yeah. She was deep. She, while we were yelling at her, she was like, you, she, and I was like, you ruined my wedding, Taylor Swift. Oh my God. And my wife and Ann kept going. I would never be able to do this to her. She's so funny. She pulls her aside at some point. Ann was so funny. And she goes, I think this is an

omen. I shouldn't have married him. Like, you're right. I'm not going to get married. Like, I'm not going to go through with this. Like, thank you for doing this. And Taylor's like, no, no, no, that's not, I'm not. Look at you. Yeah. Why do you look so different? Fat and gross. You were fat? I was fatter for sure.

Really? Yeah. Your hair's different? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Why? Anyway. Were you nervous to do those?

Like, are you in your element right there? Oh, my God. She's horrified. She's so sad she was she took it or the preacher gets taken how did she do when you finally revealed it she was you know it was hilarious why have i never seen that oh because it's on mtv.com oh no it's forever ago so long ago but i mean she was really she was really sweet about it but of course you know you know, she couldn't believe that. Oh, there's where she finds out. Okay. And so, oh my God, you have a whole thing. Look at how young they looked. It was crazy. Yeah, so young.

But that's where we all met her then. I mean, you know, obviously she doesn't remember that. I mean, she remembers probably getting punked, but she doesn't remember us and the cast. Who else did you punk? Well, let me ask you this. Who's been like a- Drake was probably the funniest one we ever did. Really? Why?

We put him in a car in the basement of the Getty Center. He thought he was going to meet the vice president at the time. And we did a fake earthquake. Oh, my God. Yeah, that's me driving. We put him in there, and I was driving Drake. No way. And we had shocks underneath the car, and we would make the car jiggle,

and the whole garage would shake in the Getty Center. And we had Secret Service. And things were falling over. Yeah, Drake was grabbing onto his- A guy's crawling on the floor. Oh, my God. So we knew he- We were like a Canadian kid.

He's never going to know what an earthquake feels like. How many earthquakes has he lived through? I mean, I don't feel like- Unless you grew up in California, you don't really know earthquakes. If your car starts shaking, you're not going to think, oh,ieber's behind this you're just gonna go i'm in an earth like no matter if it feels like it or not oh my god yeah it was pretty wild um those were the days like is this is what i'm talking about like that is so incredible that you did both those things i've never seen them before yeah that was like it was like one of the first things i was literally

the first job i ever had you spend so much time making these things there's so many zoom meetings and then they're just a video on the internet that one person watches a year that's right It was literally the first job I ever had. Everything, you spend so much time making these things. There's so many Zoom meetings. And then there's just a video on the internet that one person watches a year. That's right. And it's the guy who made it on his podcast. All this effort into almost nothing. Do you think about that? I think about that all the time. All the Zoom meetings, all the work, all the things that go into so much stuff.

And then it just is gone. And it's good for, and everything comes out, you know, like, you know, all the episodes come out at once and then it's, you're hot for a week and then it's like, what's next, bitch? Gone. Yeah. Yeah. That's how it goes.

But I also, that's why when people ask me if I watch Dave, I've never, I don't really, I've never seen much of the show because when I'm done doing a thing, I don't want to see it. Do you not want to see yourself or you don't want to see the whole thing as a piece? I don't know. I don't want to see, I don't really want to see me, but I definitely don't. I just don't want to watch it then because then I'll start overthinking about... What?

You could have done better? Just everything. Or if it's not good enough? Everything. I just don't want to watch it. Do you not... You don't want to watch your own performances? Like, even seeing yourself on those clips, was that like...

Agonizing. Can't stand it. Really? Yeah. That was good. I was really proud of you because that is... I know that feeling. I was reeling.

He could feel me being like, turn it off. People don't get this, but I remember as a young kid seeing Kate Beckinsale on The Tonight Show and her telling Jay Leno, I don't watch anything I do. And I just remember thinking, that is so fucking weird. And then I couldn't relate to it more. Even at a photo shoot. You know when you're doing a photo shoot and they want to show you, look at this one. I go no no no

and I'm always like I don't want you to be offended but I'm never going to look at these I'm going to have someone else look at them I might glance over and just make sure it's okay and anytime anyone writes an article on me they send it to me

it's out we did this thing thank you so much and I go I'm so sorry I'm sure it's great I'm never going to read it because I'm going to see a side of myself that I'm ashamed of or i'm gonna you know there's some article that came out this guy followed me around in st louis for a while you mean like a stalker

yeah we call these stalkers um and he'd wake up he'd be at my front door yeah and um and he just had a different perspective on me he just saw a different side of me that I thought people really need to hear about. And so, yeah, but I – and we became friends, and I think I just said way too much. And then the article came out, and I keep getting people being like, are you doing okay after that came out? Like you said a lot of things. Was it bad stuff? I think I probably just talked about wanting to kill myself a lot in like St. Louis Magazine. Maybe St. Louis is making you suicidal.

No, it's not. I love my family. I'm not suicidal. I just have like the thoughts and whatever. But constantly, chronically. Well, that's not good. I don't want to do it, but I will buy a weapon once in a while.

Do you have imposter syndrome ever? I mean, isn't that part of not wanting to watch yourself? Totally, but that's not. That doesn't make me want to kill myself. That just makes me go, is this all worth it? Am I doing this right? Well, do you ever see someone so talented, you're just like, what the fuck am I doing? Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God. All the time. Yeah. Why would anyone tolerate this? I don't know. That's how I feel a lot. You feel that a lot? All the time.

Chronically. Is there one person specifically that keeps triggering you? Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift is triggering you. What the fuck? She's good at everything. That's why you're going to eight shows? She's funny.

I am inspired by it, but there is a part of me that every time I get there, I go, why am I doing this to myself? Because I just compare and I go, she's so young. And like, that's really, if I could choose my life, that's what I would be good at. You'd want to be a musician. Yeah. Yeah. And I just don good at. You'd want to be a musician. Yeah. And I just don't have it. I'll never be.

I'm training so hard and I'm not that good. You're a great comic and an entertainer and a performer. But it's like I'm never going to be the best at that either. I want to be the best at something. That's never going to happen. No. Because why? But there are people that are the best at things. So why can't I be one of them?

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That's insane. What do you want to be the best at? Anything. Okay, how about this? You're the best at... You're the best at... At being me. No.

Even that you're not that good at. You're not that good. I want to kill myself. You're the best... That's a horrible way to be. How about this? You're the best comic in St. at. You're not that good. I want to kill myself, but it's a horrible way to be. How about this? You're the best comic in St. Louis. That's not even true.

I don't know. No, no. There's someone else? There's someone on a layover in Lambert. Yeah, there's somebody right now. Now that I think about it, I'm sorry. Coming from a funny bone in Dayton. I don't think you...

No, I'm the... Listen, I'm being'm being you want to do you want to be remembered um no because I know we'll all be forgotten I find comfort in that

like you know thousands and thousands of years when like we're all wiped out and maybe hundreds of years let's talk about billions of years later

when like we're long gone and there's just artifacts I'll be as remembered as Abraham Lincoln and Obama we will be of just as much significance because there will be no record we there will be it'll be dinosaur bones will all be the same okay so that gives me comfort that in the end everyone everyone is forgettable yeah you know there's there were famous dinosaurs and we don't

know do you know any ones you don't know any of them? Well, no. There's no way to know. Do you know Marcus the stegosaurus? Such a good guy. He was hilarious. He was really fucking funny. He used to rip. Yeah, he was one of the best.

He had good sets. Yeah, untextually talented. That's such a great idea, by the way, that there's famous dinosaurs. There probably were ones that were killing it. You know the iconic image of a T-Rex that we all know? Yeah. That kind of became the, in Toy Story, the T-Rex from Toy Story? Yeah.

It's like the one we all think of. Or the Jurassic Park, yeah. That's based on a real one. And you know that original guy, that original T-Rex was like, you know that's based on me. And all the other T-Rexes would be like, no, it wasn't. It's like, yes, it was. That was fucking me. They based it on me.

And are there dinosaur ghosts? Like, if ghosts and spirits are real, like, they're still on me and are there dinosaur ghosts like if ghosts and spirits are real like they're still around where are dinosaur ghosts right that's actually a very good idea it's kind of an interesting

cartoon yeah but the only reason that ghosts and spirits still stick around is because they haven't crossed over right they haven't like they have unfinished business

I feel like I will I'll cross over you will not cross over maybe not no you've got some shit going on it'll be like you ended this too soon. Go back.

Go back. Get back. Well, the other day I was like, because I'm trying to play guitar and learn how to sing and all these things and be good at this thing that I should have learned when I was 10. And I saw a video of these North Korean kids that are three and they're playing guitar like perfectly. Well, that's because they'll beat them to death

if they don't get the chords right. But I was like, that could have been me. And sometimes I go, I should kill myself and be, chances are I'll be

reincarnated as an Asian child that will be forced then to play a musical instrument early. I'll probably get better at guitar if I kill myself now and come back as an Asian kid whose parents are like tiger moms.

That's true. Then if I spend the next six years trying to be good at guitar. Because I just don't have no one's... No one's beating it in India. No one's riding on me being good at this. The one. Yeah. Like, you ever think about that? Like, how Tiger Woods was

pushed so heavily by his father to become the greatest of all time, and now he was the greatest of all time. Do you think that's all nurture, then? Then the greatest of all time. Do you think that's all nurture then? Then the greatest of all time is nurture over nature then? I think it's, I've read this book called The Talent Code, and it's very interesting, and it gives me a lot of hope

because it's really about how talent is not, you're not born with it. You're born, it's like, I don't know what the exact percentage is, but. Greatness isn't born. It's not born, it's grown. It's like, you look at people who are great, and everyone wow they're the goat like they just they came out that way Beyonce came out that way it's like no she sacrificed her whole childhood singing and dancing that's all she

did she got her 10,000 hours before she was 12 but you had to have something of course you have to have a like the right I want to I would love to dissect what that is. I want to find out what is it that we have, certain people that continue to have a career in it, what did you have that started the spark? It's almost like not everyone's going to be the greatest dancer, but the people that are very good at dancing, they had a little something better than everyone they trained with when they were young.

What it is, you can't really explain. I think self-esteem is a big thing. I think I could make a famous child. I think I could make the most infinitely famous child by, because I know what the secret ingredient is. I learned it from watching the Adam Sandler Mark Twain Prize. My boyfriend was a producer on it, and I went to it, and I was watching it,

and everyone just talked about how Adam was not's he's kind of like all of us. Like, we don't know why this guy is so famous. He's funny, but it's like he's not like that. This is what they were saying. I think he's amazing. This is not what I'm saying. But the whole gist of the evening was like, why is this guy getting a Mark Twain prize? He just like does funny voices and screams a lot and like does dumb movies.

He just like does funny voices and screams a lot and like does dumb movies. But then throughout it, you just heard from his family and his friends and like his history. He just grew up with people around him who just believed him no matter what. Never once put any doubt in his head that he couldn't do what he wanted to as long as he worked hard. And that's the only thing that he knew he had to do to be great was just work hard which is like just show up so if you instill in your child same with taylor swift i don't think she had anyone in her life being like that's not a good look you shouldn't do that like there was no family member being like why don't you just get a degree in education just in case yeah everyone believed in her and so if

you just believe in someone like adam sandler his his brothers believed in him. And so if you just believe in someone, like Adam Sandler, his brothers believed in him. Like, whose brothers are like, do comedy, man! Nobody. He bombed the first night he ever went on stage, and his brother was like, you gotta get back up there. That was amazing. I loved it. And he believed his brother, and he kept doing it. But most of us, you know, so many great comics

out there bombed their first time, and they never did it again, because it's so excruciating. We missed out on a lot of people. Yeah, that's true and we now we have a lot of people because they did well their first time that we shouldn't have a little bit too many people too many people yeah yeah but it's like depending on that encouragement you get and i think that i i sometimes resent my parents because i'm like i could have been a good musician or whatever if you just would have been like it's okay to be bad now like this is where you should be you're gonna get better yeah not like this isn't your thing i got told that a lot like your mom and dad would say this isn't your thing no but they would tell me like i i took

voice lessons at a young age and i was i was decent i was in like the top choir in my school and so i went to go take extra voice lessons elsewhere to train and um and she told my mom she doesn't have it this isn't but she was talking about broadway not like being a pop star or like an indie singer songwriter same with guitar like my dad's really a good guitarist and he would sit me down and i'd be like try to play and it'd be like a buzzy c chord it's like yeah because i'm seven you know and he'd be like you just can't even what are you doing with your finger and so I would feel innate shame like I'm bad this isn't my thing and that's I think that's always been um the thing that holds me back is like if we all know like this is kind of cringe like the cringe thing I mean really cringe keeps so many people from doing things well but but

ironically what do you do with I think the ironically, I think the younger generation has no shame whatsoever now. I think now the internet gives power in a way where you're allowed to just put up something. We're going to get a lot of talented people from it. Yes. I mean, it's going to weed out. People have no shame. But people have a lot of encouragement now, which I think is good. But I get so many things.

I don't post on instagram ever anymore because i'm just worried about people being like oh like this is not a good look and then i'll try to write a caption that like gets ahead of it and is like i know what you're thinking you know and then that's cringe to even call out the cringe it's like you can't get ahead of it no you can't it's like and then sometimes the people that I do admire, I usually, the things that make me jealous and make me so furious are usually, and I'm just like, ugh, why? Does anyone like this person? I send it to my friends and I make fun of this person. It's usually I'm just jealous that they had the balls to like kind of look stupid or like risk looking dumb.

Yeah, to put themselves out there. Yeah. Yeah. That's all it really is. That's what I'm jealous of. I'm not really mad that they're not talented. I'm grateful they're not because it makes me feel- Well, do you want to start this beef?

We should start it. Nikki Glaser is calling out Matt Rife right now. No, I love Matt Rife. Okay, sure. That's the only thing I feel good about. Sure, I know you're calling him out. Whenever Matt Rife gets brought up, because your name's getting brought up a lot, buddy. It is.

You skyrocketed too fast everyone's jealous people don't like it you're good looking you're nice i am so happy for matt rife's success because he's a good kid anytime i watch a clip of his i do laugh sorry he's a great kid and i honestly when he blew up i thought oh wow when somebody told me they were like you know matt rife is one and i said well good i what do i fucking care good for that kid also so happy for him i hope that it's just not too much. That's a kid I'm jealous with. Fucking Kate Beckinsale.

And he's dated all these hot. Oh, my God. Wait, did he date her publicly? Yeah, he did. He did. That's the first time I heard his name. For a piece of me, it was like, should I not say that? Kate Beckinsale, dating comedian, Matt Rife.

And I was like, who is Matt Rife? And I looked him up and I'm like, that's no way that guy's funny. He's hot. Yeah. But he's, yeah, he dated her. He's got a great jawline. I even said to him, I told him when I saw him, that's no way that guy's funny. He's hot. Yeah. But he's, yeah, he dated her. He's got a great jawline. I even said to him, I told him when I saw him at Burt's thing, I was like, I see you sold all these dates.

You know, he's doing like two years of touring. I said, dude, don't let them kill you. Take your time. Like, relax. Because you know the agents. You know these fucking agents are like, get out there, Matt. As many shows as you can. Like, agents still have the old Hollywood, like, we're going to get out there, kid.

We'll have you everywhere, all over the globe. 150 shows, back to back. That's what I tell my agent about Burt. I go, you're going to, you need to puke. They're going to kill you. They're going to kill you. You're going to, this guy is working too hard. But look at Cillian Murphy at the latest Oppenheimer premiere.

Cillian Murphy, Oppenheimer premiere. This is Matt Rife at the end of his tour. Did you go see the Barbieheimer? Did you go do the duo? You know about this? People are watching Barbie. This is Matt Rife at the end of his tour. Two-year tour.

Matt Rife after the problematic tour is over. That's when he begins. Now, do you go to the other photo? It's going to age him like a president. Oh, my God. I saw it the other day that guy looks old Matt Rife see this is what I don't

yeah we gotta get a side by side in this edit that is so fucking funny to me it's so good I mean he looks like he's shocked I know

stunned that's Matt in two years. That I do not envy in the world of acting. People that mentally have to go through this insane leap to get the job done, that scares the fuck out of me.

What do you have to do? No, I'm just saying, when you dedicate to a character in a film and you have to become this thing and you really dive in the way that Daniel Day Lewis does, I don't envy that at all. But do you have any interest in doing that? Absolutely not. What is your like, do you have like an, SNL would be cool for you. I tested for them years ago and I never, I'll never.

But like hosting it. Yeah, maybe. Maybe. My dream would be, like my dream would be making comedy franchise films like I like I fucking

I don't know if it's ever going to come back again but stuff like that like what Wayne's World was for our generation like the run that Will Ferrell

had for a while are you like working towards that this is the thing kind of but it's tough it is that's such a

film is like all but dead for comedy you know I have a movie that's going to come out later in the year

and that you wrote no no no no that I did I. You know, I have a movie that's gonna come out later in the year and... That you wrote? No, no, no, no. That I did. I don't know if I'm allowed to talk about it. It's so funny. No, I can fucking talk about it. I'm not promoting it. I did a movie. Yeah, me, Zac Efron, John Cena, and... No way! Oh, wait, I read that script. It's really funny. Ricky Stinegate, yeah.

Yeah, and like that'll be... Are you his friend? It's me, me, Zac Efron, and Jermaine Fowler are the best friends. No way, Jermaine. Yeah. Aw. Yeah, it was fucking great. Was that a fun one to make?

So fun. Zac Efron was my number one for many, many, I mean, there's no one better. You want me to call him and tell him? I mean. Nikki Glaser's here. He'll go, I'm on my way. What's he like? The best.

Honestly. He seems really nice. It's a cliche answer, but he's phenomenal. I fucking love Efron. He's so good looking. And he seems like down to earth. Yeah, he's one of the guys. I think that's the name of the show.

He's one of the boys. Down to earth is it, actually. Yeah, with Zac Efron. Wait a second. Okay, I have a question. The woman that plays his wife in that movie, because I've always loved Zac Efron, been very open about that.

The woman who plays his wife? Lex Scott Davis? That's what I was auditioning to play. I got the script and they're like, you got to learn all these pages. And I'm like, there's no fucking way I'm going to get this. And what year was she born? Exactly, 91. Okay.

I got to tell you something about her. Not even close. Seven years younger than me. She's a phenomenal actress. Yeah. And on top of it it like grossly beautiful stunning people yeah it was like shot and then her fucking husband who i met when he showed up to australia i was so glad i didn't learn those pages i was like oh great and your husband's also one of the

hottest people i've ever seen oh really it made me feel disgusting i ran back to my room this dude is jacked he's jacked out of his fucking mind and they have kids and they're both and they're happy yeah they're fucking balanced yeah they're both in... And they're happy. Look at these two. Yeah, they're fucking stunning. Yeah, they're two beautiful people and when they were eating... I swear to God, them at breakfast looked better than me

like wearing a suit going out for... You know what I mean? Right. Them eating shit, like wearing loungy clothes with their kids eating breakfast in the hotel.

I went back upstairs. I was embarrassed because I was like a hideous creature. Isn't it crazy how people... Don't look at me. People like that hot, they just can't help but look like a hideous creature like don't look at me people like that hot they just can't help

but look like put together they always look hot stylish and cute all the time yep that's another thing and I have a massive struggle I'm wearing basketball shorts

and a t-shirt you look great you look always put together something happened with your wardrobe you always look great I'm trying more you try

I'm trying more it's about trying but when they don't when hot people don't try they still look so good and then you look at like a fool when you go down there. They have like beige, all beige matching sweatsuits. It's so flowy.

It's shoes that don't exist yet and they're like, yeah, they don't even put these out and you're like, what the fuck? Where did you, yeah. That's how I feel. But she was, they were incredible. What I was trying to say was Are they boring? Can you just say something? Like maybe not that interesting. They don't get jokes.

No, they're dope. They can't really riff. No, they're dope. Sorry. No, actually, you know what? Yeah, the thing that we have that none of these people have is we are, our comedy is our innate gene. They can, some of them, some actors can do comedy.

Yeah. But it's not innate. It's not built into the machine. Bradley Cooper does funny things sometimes, but I don't know if that's innate in his machine naturally. I bet he's a pretty... I think he trains for that very well. Oh, right.

Yeah, I think he's funny. I think he does well. I'm not dissing. I'm saying my point is I think you innately, when you enter a set as a comedian, you're going to have a step ahead of everybody. Oh, I feel I'm so intimidated by walking on a set or I am always like I shouldn't be here. I only got this because people know of me from something else.

I'm not a real actor. I probably got someone someone who deserves this role doesn't have it. People are resentful of me. I don't have my lines memorized the right way. I don't know how to be an actor, so I don't know how i would feel very out of place it'd be like an actor it'd be like leonardo caprio doing like a set at the laugh factory we'd be like oh my god i can't believe you're we'd all be sighties here but he'd feel like a fool you know like that's how i in the crowd he would kill and everyone would love him no matter what he did but he would feel like a fraud and that's how i feel acting, none of his girlfriends would be able to get in because I think they're 21 and over at that fucking...

Just a line outside of hot, hot 20-year-olds. Why wouldn't you do that? Be Leo? No, why? We all yell at him for dating young women. Of course. He doesn't want to settle down. Nobody's surprised, but this is also...

People are. This is also why he's trying to save the world yeah for the future generations of his girlfriends exactly he's like we need to keep this earth around because I need to start making 20 year olds oh no I thought he was just concerned about the future for the young women he's dating

he wants to keep these girls around we gotta keep this going you're right though him doing comedy is like I'm sure he would do great but it wouldn't it's not the same it's not the same thing

but everyone on set or you know the laugh factor would be like oh my god Leo's here it would be a big deal so that's the way I feel like as a comedian

walking into things people are like oh you're a comedian like I'm intimidated by you but I'm like no you don't know how out of my element I am like I wanted to ask you

like do you like with cause I feel like with comedy I just wing it every time. Like, yes, unless I'm taping a special or, you know, going on Conan or something. I don't really think about my set before I go on stage a ton. Yeah. But with acting, you have to, like, memorize your lines. And sometimes I get acting roles and I am like, I'll just, like, memorize it on the car ride there.

And it's like, does it work that way? And it's really embarrassing. What do you what's your memorization process? I have to, I have to go, right before I go to bed at night, I have to like read it and I start to dissect like what I like about it and what I don't. So it's the night before? Well, I mean, I do, I read it prior to that, but then the night before. But the memorization process happens the night before.

Yeah, always. You're due on set the next day. Always. Wow. So that's surprising to me. Then the next morning when I'm in the trailer, i go over it again or on hair and makeup and then i go over what i what what i'm gonna approach the director or whatever with and be like hey man i can i do that i'd rather do this this way i've gotten more confident as i've gotten older when

i was young i never did that's why i'm asking you this so what have you ever been on set when someone doesn't have their lines memorized and how much does it fuck everything up and is it so embarrassing and it's embarrassing for them for sure yeah yeah but i've been that person too i've had huge chunky shit i have to walk away for a little bit i say can we you know can we take a break and move on and come back to this right right or flip the coverage you know if it's on me i'll go can we flip so i can i can get back in this because i'm not liking the way it is. But now that I'm older, I'm so much more confident. Like, in the sense of, I don't give a fuck if I fuck up or if I look stupid.

Who cares? Because, I get it now. Because, well, this is the same way you start at, when you start stand-up, you're like so worried about your set list and making sure everything. And I don't think about it anymore. And if I don't, if I kind of do poorly, I just call it out and I'm fine. And I'm like, I deserve to be here because I have just call it out and I'm fine and I'm like, I deserve to be here because I have confidence in it. But you have that now with acting too.

Yeah, with acting, I feel that way where if they're, it's like, what are you going to fire me? That's kind of the most gross thing to think but you're like,

I'm allowed to fuck up. When you're young, you're so afraid of fucking up. Oh God, so confident. Well, but it's like when you're young, you're so scared of fucking up and I think that hinders

your ability because you're like, you know, don't say that. And I'll be there later. And you keep seeing the line in your head like, I don't want to say it wrong. And then you get older and you think, what are they going to fucking fire me for screwing up a line? Also, worrying about what can go wrong. I hate to get woo woo here, but I really do believe in manifestation. I always I never did before.

I thought it was such bullshit but I read a book that kind of made it science-y and was talking about the quantum physics and it's all connected. When you are thinking about the worst thing that can happen, it's kind of like putting that out there. It's going to happen, yeah. And so I'm trying to do more positive reinforcement.

It's so humiliating but I do talk to myself a lot. No, what do you mean? That's a good thing. I think more people need to do that more often. It helps your energy. And then the way you approach other people because of it is will help. So it's like if you're going into things thinking hopefully the best, your your physical energy then bleeds into other people and other people kind of feel you wanting it to go well, then they want it to go well a little bit i believe in it i really do too i would i was like really feeling bad i had like just some sets the other night that was just like yikes like bad just not bad but you know like

for us like average where it's like i should have killed and i didn't and there were people in the room i haven't seen in a while like if like if you were in the room and saw me the other night i would have to like write you afterwards and be like, just know that was bad for me. And that's not what I'm doing out on the road. That's not what I'm capable of. I hope you understand that. I've done this before.

Joe List saw me the other night. I was like, that was humiliating, what I just did in front of him. Because it was just, I just didn't prepare. I wanted to talk to Joe before my set instead of think about what I was going to say. So I just went up there and picked the worst jokes to do. And it didn't make any sense. And it was horrible. And so I was running. I was going to say. So I just went up there and picked the worst jokes to do and it didn't make any sense and it was horrible.

And so I was running, I was going to sets the other night and I was just feeling like really bad about myself and I'm trying to listen to a lot of comedy right now to like be inspired by it again and excited. Of other comics? Yeah, like my favorite comics. Like just, I want it to just, I want to saturate in it because I am a sponge and I like start talk.

If I watch Veep, I'm like funnier if I'm like watching Veep. Oh, wow. Because I'm just consuming people fast talking. The rhythm. Yeah. So I, I like to, if I'm lacking in a certain way, I'll just like immerse myself in that for a while and I'll pick it up. I mean, that's how I got funny in general is like all my friends in high school were

funny and I like absorbed what they, I'm a good curator of what's funny as opposed to like being it on my own. No, you are funny on your own. You've just taken, you've just taken things from other things to make your own. Yeah. It's not like I'm stealing and it's not conscious,

but it's in my subconscious absorbs this stuff. So I was listening the other night to some people, but it was having that adverse effect where i was comparing myself and going like i'll never be this fucking good even though i have been before like just right now with my material i'm just like and um and then last night i was driving into shows and i was like you are effortlessly funny you are you are a comic genius like i was just saying stuff I don't believe, but I just had to say it out loud. And I swear to God, I had good sets because it works. It fucking worked.

Even though I, I honestly did not believe it at all, but I kept saying it and something happened where I, even if that just gave me this false sense of confidence that I needed to have to go up there and do better, it worked. I think, I think the confidence is the thing

that's going to move you back to where you belong. Yes. Because you already did it. You already did the work. You already know that your skill set. You just have to continue to go, I know what I'm fucking doing. Even if it doesn't build out the right way,

it eventually gets there. Like I finally am doing a joke that I did years ago because I'm building like a whole new hour. And I hated the joke a joke that I've done. I did years ago because I'm building like a whole new hour and I, this, I hated the joke. And then I found the hole. It's like, it just took me. Whoa, wait, can you talk me through it? Well, it was like, I didn't know, I don't want to give the joke away on here, but like, I didn't know how to make it, how to make it funny. Cause I understood what I was trying to say. Yes. But the wording wasn't making it funny. Oh, yeah.

You know, it was kind of like I had this joke about, and this is another one that I know I'll find the end out later, but I had this joke about how like a woman's clit never stops growing. You know, like. Is that true? It's true, yeah. What? Like our noses and ears?

Yeah, nose, ears, and clit. Yeah, that's what God was like. God was a freak. This all checks out. Yeah, exactly. Now I'm like, okay, I'm not weird. A woman's clit never stops growing. Our clits are your dicks, so do dicks keep growing?

No, no, no, no. Dicks continue. An 80-year-old clit works the same as a 20-year-old, but it does keep growing. 2.5 times as big as 90s. In your 90s? In your teens. Oh, my God. You're just rocking a5 times as big in your 90s. Oh my God. You're just rocking a micro penis in your 90s. At some point you got to,

you have a micro penis, but I was making a joke about how I, you know, I come, I, I condescendingly, I'm like a woman's clay never stops growing. And these men still can't find it.

Am I right girls? And, and I said, the joke is really that women think we're looking for, we're not looking for anything. We don't care. I go, the joke is really that women think we're looking for, we're not looking for anything. We don't care. I go, Columbus thought this was India. And then from there, I peeled another few pieces. But like, I couldn't, the other two chunks that I've taken to it, they aren't melding right. Like that first chunk is fine. But that's what I found in a new joke

where I'm like, oh, dude, when I went back to it it was just the confidence in trying it over and different angles because I knew it was funny and then now that it works it's like oh yeah I just didn't see the hole yet well that's like with anything where you want to just give up on it like me trying to play guitar like I suck so bad

but then like you feel like if you practice it fuck you crack it you can get good and there's jokes that I I even reference like part of my joke that I do now I do like a JonBenet Ramsey joke, but I talked about the first time I tried that joke was when 2005 when I first started comedy because I knew it was a funny thing that I Remembered feeling I want to hear it. You don't just say well, I'll burn. I don't care I was when I was 11 or when that happened when john benet ramsey died um i remember being horrified because it's the first time i had

ever heard like a child could be murdered and i was a kid and it's just like oh my fucking god and then i i saw a picture of her and i was like good um because she's too pretty and i was like i remember being soothed by that at that age yeah imagine how horrific she'll be as a person if she grows up I was like she's gonna steal my husband someday like I just

I had that I didn't even like boys yet but I knew she was gonna be a threat to me and I didn't know how to I remember at the time feeling

I just go when I'm looking for something to write about I always go to like what do I feel deep shame about what would I never want to tell anyone and I remember having that thought as a kid

and being like I can't tell anyone that I'm kind of happy this beautiful girl is out of the mix and so i remember telling it on stage in 2005 or just making and poorly telling it and it bombed horribly people were disgusted but it was too soon first of all i mean child murder now is hilarious but now there is now there's no too soon no there's not funny now because of the internet and so there is no such thing people were making fucking the submarine jokes at the comedy store the night they died yeah and by the way some of them were pretty good i heard a few that i was like that's fucking funny yeah it's hard to there is no too soon

anymore anymore i like that because time is stupid it's like, why is it okay not right away? But I mean, I get, but people who are mourning the submarine victims are not at the improv that night. Right. Except the stepson. Yeah. Who did go to a Blink-182 show that night. So he might have been that weekend at the Laugh Factory.

He was raging the hardest. It's never too soon for that guy. He wanted to go see Hoppus, baby. He was like, I'm going to a fucking Blink-182 show. Listen, there's always going to be people that are going to be... I miss you, Dad! It was so weird to see him post online. And then he was trying to get laid with that OnlyFans. Yeah, that was so wild. He's like,

this is what my dad would have wanted for me to fuck OnlyFans girls. But also, like, why do we need him to be sad about his stepdad? Like, who... Most people hate their stepdad. They'd be glad to see him go. We're all like, you should be mourning. It's his fucking stepdad who gives a shit um but i the john benet ramsey thing when i told that joke at an open mic in st louis in 2005 after the show uh a girl came up to me and wanted to like fight me because her she's she was like my cousin is john benet ramsey and that's where you no matter

how soon something you're always going to risk there's going to be some family member. That there's going to be someone that could be very, very offended by that. And it happened. It's going to happen. And I'm like, you got to be glad she's gone. You're going to look better in all the family photos. That's my joke. But I truly felt that way.

But I feel bad when I hurt people's feelings like that. I don't want to. The intention is never to hurt anybody. But some people say that. They're like, I love when people get uncomfortable and offended. No, no, no. I just want to tickle their brain. I just want them to be like, oh, that's fucking funny.

Isn't this why we do this? Because don't we want people to like us? Well, we learned at the beginning of this that love is what you really need. Yeah, acceptance. Yeah. Like, I was listening, one more thing. I was listening to, like, I'm going back through

Louis' stuff, because I think I took a break from him for a while, because I was just like, ugh. You got over it. But he's just the greatest. He's the greatest, yeah.

He's just the fucking greatest. He's undoubtedly the greatest joke writer of all time. To me, I think he is. Just in terms of authenticity, which is ironic, or I guess, it makes me feel weird to say that, because I used to say I can't enjoy him anymore because I felt like he was not authentic about the stuff.

But then I'm like, wait, it was all here for us, what he was doing. But I was listening to his, I think his special, he did two specials after the jerking off in front of the women. Yeah, Sorry and... The latest one. Not the latest one, but the whatever, two ago. Sorry and my bad, I think it was. But he said... Whatever it was. Sincerely sorry, yeah. But he said, one of the jokes was like

he told a story about an old man taking him aside at one point and telling him all the dirty words and then he went right to kindergarten or first grade and just went up to his teacher and said like fuck shit ass cunt bitch and just fart and then she started crying because she was so horrified and he loved it

and I'm like there it is that's a formative moment you like freaking out a woman with disgusting things and having her go oh god that's why you jerk off in front of women, dude. And then he later on talks about why he does it.

I go, no, you just told us. That's why. And I think that's so interesting. And that is why I like Louie is because, yeah, he's a fucked up person. He's fucked up. Well, we're all dark and we're all fucked up and we all have a little we all have like our I don't want to be here anymore in us most average people don't feel that way

I think that is the talent that we bring that actors and other people don't we might kill ourselves at any moment that we talk about it aren't I funny I might kill myself please don't please don't every time I say it on stage because I have a bunch of jokes about suicide, it's like

most of my acting. I think that's why I've been bombing lately. It's just a downer. But I always say, like, you all, I told you I was going to do it. Like, if I do it, you're all. Yeah. Complicit. Complicit.

Yeah, you were here. I told you I've been serious about this. And I even, like, doubled down on it a couple times. And now I'm telling you you're complicit and you're still not gonna do anything right but blood is on your hands that that blood in that i can't wait to see tmz getting nikki coming out of like a home depot with like rope and all these suicide items i'll look hot though i'll make sure i'll look like thin and have like upright posture.

Whenever I walk into a store, cause there's so much footage of women, like her last time being seen before she was abducted in the parking lot. I do kind of like just have better posture so that the, the images on Nancy Grace will look like she had it all. Like, you know, like where,

where did it go wrong? Yeah. A perfect life, a perfect family in the suburbs of St. Louis. Poor woman's life stolen from her before she could do it herself. That's really, yeah. How dare they take that from her? Nikki, I love you so much.

I love you. I could talk to you for hours. I know. Listen, everyone who is a fan of comedy, keep Nikki around. Please comment on this page. Nikki, please don't go. Please say that. That's so nice.

Please, so she doesn't go anywhere. Please go on her Instagram and comment, please don't go. Don't comment mean things. I won't read them. It's just like, you know. The new acronym is PDG. Please don't go.

PDG. Put PDG all over Nikki's page, please. That's so nice. Go to Nikki Glazer Comedy. No, Nikki Glazer.com. Nikki Glazer.com. Yeah, I'm on tour all over Nikki's page, please. That's so nice. Go to NikkiGlazerComedy. No, NikkiGlazer.com. NikkiGlazer.com. Yeah, I'm on tour all over the place. She's on tour constantly.

She never is not on tour. Keep her away from her boyfriend and a future of marriage and children and a house. She wants to stay. Look at that. Look at that. Good girl. Good girl tour. The good girl tour.

It's never ending. Oh, Chicago Theater. Chicago Theater. Please go to that one. Oh, Chicago Theater. Chicago Theater. Please go to that one. Oh, my God. You have so many fans. My hometown. I really want to sell that out.

Chicago, go see Nikki September 15th. Please. It's going to be embarrassing otherwise. What are you talking about? You're absolutely going to do that. You think? Yeah. Yeah.

You'll sell it out. Oh, I'm so excited. September's far away. Okay. Let's do it. Please come out and see me. Chicago, go see her at the Chicago Theater. I do meet and greets.

I promise you my show is fucking great right now and um and um I it'll be worth the money and um you'll love it I promise you'll love it go to NikkiGlaser.com go see her on tour we end the episode the same way uh one word or one phrase look into that camera one word or one phrase whenever you're ready Nikki I forgot about this part yeah Yeah, well. Um, but I want to go. So good. Kill that. Nikki, in here

we pour whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk. You're that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse gingers are beautiful you owe me five dollars for the whiskey and 75 dollars for the horse gingers are hell no this whiskey is excellent ginger i like gingers