Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Pete Holmes: Gimme a donut...Really! | Whiskey Ginger

Episode Date: May 8, 2026

Welcome to Whiskey Ginger a Wave series presented by Fanduel. Andrew Santino welcomes back comedian, actor, author, and podcast host Pete Holmes for another beautifully chaotic episode full of comedy, spirituality, parenting, anxiety, creativity, and absolute nonsense. Pete and Santino bounce from deep philosophical ideas to the dumbest possible bits in under thirty seconds like only they can. They talk about getting older, staying playful, stand-up evolution, weird audience moments, family life, and why comedy might just be the closest thing we have to religion. Pete also talks about his brand new stand-up special Silly Silly Fun Boy and his new children’s book Spells To Cast On Your Parents, available now for preorder. Pre-order Pete’s new book Spells To Cast On Your Parents:https://a.co/d/00gYzGQD Watch Pete’s new special Silly Silly Fun Boy on 800 Pound Gorilla:https://youtu.be/qzsHolR05hg?si=qQdHOcZ_gZKXvuXn Follow Pete Holmes:https://www.instagram.com/peteholmes Follow Andrew Santino:https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino Follow Whiskey Ginger:https://instagram.com/whiskeygingerpodcast #WhiskeyGinger #AndrewSantino #PeteHolmes #ComedyPodcast =================================================== This episode is sponsored by: FANDUEL Sign up now for your twenty-five dollar bonus on FanDuel Predicts. HEAD TO https://fanduel.com/whiskey TO GET STARTED! RULA FIND A THERAPIST THE EASY WAY! https://rula.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome back to Whiskey Ginger, a Wave series presented by Fandul. Hey, Whist Ginge fans, tonight, tonight. Tonight, me and Bobby Lee are going to be at the YouTube Theater right here in Los Angeles, California. YouTube Theater, come out and see The Bad Friends, probably the only show we're going to do together this year. Tonight, the tickets are at Andrew Santino.com, and so are June 28th. I'm in San Diego at the Sound. And July 24th, I'm at the Ameristar Casino in St. Charles, Missouri, basically St. Louis. St. Louis comes to me July 24th, San Diego, June 28th, and tonight, tonight May 8th. The bad friends are going to be at the YouTube theater right here in L.A.

for the Netflix as a Joke Fest. Go to Andrewsantino.com for those tickets, Andrewsantino.com. In here, we pour whiskey, whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk. You were that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Ginger's abugious. You only $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse.

Gingers are hell now. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Jr., I guess today is one of my favorite people on Earth. I say that for all my guests, but I really, really mean it today. It is the return to Mr. Pete Holmes.

It's good to be here. I'm sorry. I don't want to stop you from your wrist. Well, don't, don't. These are great shoes. You talked about mine. These are comfy bumpkins, and you've got great shoes. 13 and a half?

These are 13s. Yeah, I can always tell. You know, I can always pinpoint. But those home slippers, they do something. You know what they do? Tell me. They say, I'm successful enough that I don't need to wear regular shoes. These are sandlers.

But I care enough. These aren't sandals. These are sandlers. I wear open-toe sandlers. Adam Sandlers. Because Sandler just is like a beach home. Why doesn't he start a clothing line of the Sandler collection? I would wear a fubu like a fubu.

We just have a fubu outside. Hubbo do, to, to do. Oh, yeah, yeah, foo. If Adam Sandler started a sweat, pant company. It would be called fubu. Fubu. Oh, you think you're better than your football? Oh, shabado. It doesn't matter how many

fucking amazing dramatic roles you do. This is you. They're like, how come the uncut-gum's designs aren't selling at all? And the those are selling off the shelves. But think about that. Jim Carrey did it too. He came out of a rhino's asshole, spoke out of his butthole.

And people remember that more than they remember, or Turnal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. By a landslide. People don't No, that's him. They think that's his brother Craig Winslet and Craig Carey? Craig Carey. Craigis. But wearing a slipper, this is California chic.

God, I love you so much, Pete. Every time I see you, I get... I'm like tall, lean Bobby Lee. Mm-mm. You're much better. Fatter. No, better. Fatter is better these days.

Fatter is better these days. Ozempic? Ozempic. Ozempic made it. So you see a skinny person. You're like, who cares? Now I want... Muscles.

They didn't earn it. Muscles. That's what I mean. Well, I'm just kind of flopping around. ISP. The ISP, baby. What's the ISP of this address? Is that the internet thing?

I look to you. Yeah, now you see a skinny that didn't earn it, and I do kind of want to... It's bullshit. I want to hit them with the ranch hose. You were a fat boy. I know you wanted this. Yeah.

You were a little fat boy, so you go... If you're the fattest boy in your class, you're the fat kid. Yeah, it looks like Pete ate a home. Oh, my God. You eating homes? More like gingerbread homes. Mean?

They called me Biter Shaft. Sorry? We learned the parts of the penis. Two stories about this. One, they were like, it's the head or in England the bell-end. Bell-end. You're right, Bell-end.

You're a fucking bell-end. And by the way, they would think these are awful. And to me, they're perfect. They're perfect. Let me see, oh, you fucking Bellin. Oh, hello. You know what they call a jack-a-potto-a-bake potato? Can you believe that?

As if you... Well, you do bake it, don't you? There's no jacket on it. You can't zip up a potato skin, can you? I like that you can't look at me to do it. If I look at you, I'll laugh. If I look at you, I'm going to crack. Hello.

I've got to look away when I do Bellin. All right, and. All right, fucking American. You've got a potato. We like potato chips. That's what they think we are. I like potato chips. No, you know the one word they think we love.

When I go, do an American accent. When I'm over there was going... They go, well hey dude what's going on dude man that's how they that's they that's what we say mate which sounds like you fucking england on blast england on blast shod's fired you got a lady on your money what if that was my take shut the fuck up you got a lady on you're not just kidding i'm sure they're making new ones with the weird fucking guy lady's still on the money prince andrew's still on the money too prince andrew on the money Is this like a he murdered somebody or something?

Prince Andrew? He's an Epstein guy. He's like the most famous Epsteiner, right? Prince Andrew, help me. Is that Prince William's brother? No, that's Prince. Prince Andrew is... I don't know royal family.

It's like knowing Pokemon. No, I don't know. Oh, you didn't find the Armadillo? We had an Armadillo in charge of our country. Fucking a whole country built on Pokemon Go! I don't know why I'm doing it? This is Bur Trump. This is Bill Trump.

Bill Trump. Bill Trump. That, that, that, no, I'm serious. Women shouldn't be in charge. I can say it. I'm married to a woman. That's... Who is he?

He's Queen Elizabeth's son. Right. Was on the epi. Brother, he was like, he was one of the biggest dogs. They kicked him out of the royal family. He was so prevalent on the Epstein. He was so epis. It's not like they were like, hey, this is all speculative and these are all accusations.

No brother. He's like, photos. Hey! Caught evidence. It's endless. And also, nothing will happen to him. Well, no. Didn't they, did they try to jail him in England?

Because England has at least, they try to catch you. Look, Flanny. Flannie, love Flannie. One of the greatest humans alive. Said in Belfast, you know how Flannie has like a tough, he has got a Belfast. Like he's such a sweet. I love him to death. But he will catch him in a bad day.

But you can see him in a lockstock and smoke and barrel. Like I've seen him have to be like rough kicking somebody out or whatever. Love. Nothing mean, appropriate. But he can get real focused and protective. Love Flanny to death. He's my favorite. He talked about in Belfast, he's like, if you are a pedophile in Belfast, if they find out they put a note in your mailbox that says, how are your knees for Danson?

And then if you don't stop, they take you in front of the whole town and break your fucking knees. That's amazing. And I'm just saying, I know it's the Belfast. It's the Belfast. The Belfast way. Do it fastly. Yeah. Do it, Bill, Belfthyl palsy.

Bell palsy. No. Cerebral ephemble. Cerebral jokes. Cerebral jokes. Keep the palsy. Palsy. Balsy, wonderful. Flanny, when you say it is sort of fucked,

I think like all cultures have always had something to do to make, you know, to make it not a fucking thing. And we go like, oh, Epstein, how about Petophile Island? Can we call it that? Can't do it. Pedophile Island. I'm not even a political guy. The new special, it's all politics.

And you'll be shocked at my takes. Everyone's going to love him. It's very impossible. to do, but the reds love him. Red hat. It's really hard to not do it. Trump? Because it's everywhere. He talk funny. He talks so funny. He talk funny. He talk funny. He speak like a man

who... He kind of looks like a rooster chicken, like a tan rooster chicken? It's getting better, though. For some reason, it's getting more funny. Foghorn, leghorn, kind of. You would think with money and power, you'd figure it out. He goes the other way. When you hear reports of the smell, too, like I believe he smells. He kind of looks like he might smell.

What do you think? What is it? Take a wild guess. Sourcrow? No, it's too veggie. No, it's too veggie. Ranch? Yeah, old ranch. Old ranch.

Bad Valley should have stayed hidden, is all I'm saying. Old ranch. I think you and I are at the point where we can do a podcast in 15 minutes. Maybe 20. Because you're just like, what do I need? A couple laps, a little rapport. Fun, fun, fun, fun. But let's be real for two seconds.

Be real. We have to plug Pete. amazing new special. Did you see it? You can say if you haven't seen it. I have not seen it. That's fine. Yeah, you know I haven't seen. You know why I haven't seen it? Too many things. You know, you know why? Still halfway through, prodigal daughter.

Well, we just finished Pluribus last night. Oh yeah. Oh, Taylor's Special is right. My God. Nothing bothered me more than Pluribus. That's why I liked watching it. Oh, I loved it so much. But I just watched it to upset me. Because it's long and slow and low and endless. I just don't like how long. I wanted, I like competency porn.

Oh, see, I like incompetency porn. Yeah, yeah, clearly. I like fumbling. Where the dick just can't get in. Bully button. Like they don't know what they're doing. It's the wrong hole, the whole thing. The whole thing's the wrong hole.

Wrong hole, beautiful wrong hole. It's just wrong hole. But Pluribus pissed you off, but you enjoy it. I screamed at it. Once I realized that's what the show is, but like I, when she was like, look, Pluribus spoiler coming in, okay? Yeah, it's fine. It's been out.

I'm gonna say, oh, he's, don't listen. Skip forward. I'll be vague. I'll be vague. You won't know what I'm talking about. What she gets at the end, the season one cliffhanger. I know that that does bum me out. Who fucking cares? Who fucking cares? They have two moves. One season two starts and they just act like that didn't happen because it's fucking dumb. If you can murder

millions of them by being angry, you don't need to threaten with a... You don't need the bomb. Yeah. Oh, sorry. You don't need the thing. You don't need the... But let's say this. By the way, I don't even care. You'll still enjoy it even because you see it coming about a mile away. Vincy Gill, wonderful, brilliant, genius. I loved every episode. But the way I...

Like, the guy that won't eat the food, he's like, I will not eat the food. I'm like, fuck you starve. Fuck you starve. That's what the world is. Nothing comes in clean. Yes. Give me a donut. Give me a donut.

Really? Can we get flying a donut? That's the new take my wife, please. Give me a donut. Really? Zoom in. That I'm gonna. Not, but getting you, I get it, I'll tell you the nine ethical vi.

And I'm not saying we shouldn't try and be ethical. I'm just saying if you're in a world where everyone's a zombie, but they're bringing you great food and you're eating dog food, fuck you fall on that tree. Also, dog food's got to be terrible. Dog food? It's got to be so. Dog food?

It's got to be so. Dog food? You eat food and you go, what is this? For the dog? You're saying, no continuity. Some sort of gel coagulation. Yeah. It's gross.

gross. Remember in once upon a time in Hollywood? When it slams down in there. Slams and you're like, why is everything Brad do make my puss wet? My bowl is my pussy and that dog food just

slop it up. Slop it up! And he can fucking, I'll grab my toes and just let them... Cuddling! Me and my wife do a lot of cuddling. I tell you what bothered me. Cunling? Cunning ging.

Is that in the routine? It's going to be. Please watch a special It's available right now. Silly, silly fun mode. It's available right now. It's on YouTube.com. It's a website.

And it's on your YouTube. Now, it's on my YouTube. It's on your YouTube. My YouTube. Let me say this. You haven't seen it, but you will like it. No, you know I'm gonna watch it, though? Throw it on audio only.

No, do you know when I need to watch it when I'm in the hotel on the road? My favorite time to watch. In fact, wait, let me rewind real fast. I was sitting in my hotel. Did we get this from the soprano? Yeah. The way you kind of... Kind of dice. Let me dice him.

Hey, Tom. Hey, Tom. I was sitting in my hotel in Florida back when I did off the hook in Destin or wherever it was. And I called you, I called you where I texted you. This is many moons ago. And nice try the devil. And T.D. That's yours.

Yeah, yeah. And I remember complimenting you on it and saying how, do you not remember this? I'm not for everyone. No. Oh, nice try the devil. I'm almost positive. It was nice try the devil. Okay.

And I had listened to it on Sputify. Okay. Like, I listened to the album. Oh, okay. Yes, I'm with you now. And I called and told you how glorious it made me feel. Because on the road is very hard and lonely sometimes. And I said, you know, I'm going to put on Pete just to like have a gas.

I did the same thing with Gary Goldman's album. It feels so nice sometimes. Sometimes when you're doing a lot of comedy and you kind of, I'm not saying this is you, but I'll be like losing my way. Oh, no. My footing is shifting. Oh, yeah. I'm kind of like feeling, it's such a dream job.

and I'm feeling like a grinder. I'm just feeling like, listening to another comedian that you like that inspires you. It's like getting a blood transfusion. It's an IV. I'm getting a drip. You get a pint of Goldman.

You get a pint of home. Yeah. I'm very touched. It was incredible. And that's when I know I'm going to watch you because I can't watch people at home. Home gives me anxiety. I...

No, no. Yeah. I feel... The way that I get myself ready to do stand-up is usually, if you go to a show, you're going to go on. You're watching the people that are going up first.

You might catch a couple of them. So when I watch stand-up, I almost have like a Pavlovian response. Like, I'm up soon. Like, it's not chill for me. No. But if I'm on the road and I'm already in coyote mode,

I'm already a predator. I'm already a beautiful predator. Yellow blood. Blood out and it was acid. I have the same blood. That's the smell of ranch and blood, predator blood. It's not even good.

It's just fun. But it's fun. I know. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. But I want all of our fans, please do me a favor and go watch Pete Holmes.

It's on my only fans as well. It's on his only fans as well. Cockout. Same special. Just a dangling. And you take it twice or was it just cut well? It was edited really well. It was edited well. So the cockout version was happening

simultaneously. Cockout we did at noon. Yeah, a little matinee. Old people love a cock because they're like, look at how robust it is. Mine shriveled like a dried apricot. Is that a coke can or his penis? My God, Pete Holmes has a big one.

A baby arm holding an apple is. It's the funny. It's awesome powers. Mike Myers. What are you going to pipe up and say? I was just going to say, there are reports on what Donald Trump smells like. Oh,

what is it? Hit it. Former representative Adam Kinsinger described it as a mixture of armpits, ketchup, makeup, and a little butt. A little butt. And a little butt is very funny

because you know what a little butt smells like. You know, like when you hear something and has the ring of truth? Yeah. Like if he was like, butt, ketchup, and who gives you shit? Like you'd be like,

oh, you're just trying to get it in the news cycle? This is a man I feel his desire to connect. Like that's someone who came running in the house and needed to unload. Ketchup, armpits, armpits, makeup, and a little butt. Something like fucking... Do you know what this is? It's a recipe. When I used to go run around Silver Lake sometimes and you'd pass someone and you'd get a waft of some stank.

Little butt. And a little bit of butt. That's what that is. It's a little butt. It's not a lot. It's just like a little waft of butt came by. A little tiny butt goes, Hello.

Yeah, yeah, it's not shit. It's actually butt. No, butt is different than shit. It's what butt does with shit. Yeah, it gets it ready. Butt is prepping for shit. Butt is the kitchen we make the shit in. And we're just like, it smells like the kitchen.

Yeah, it smells like kitchen. Did you butt in here earlier? It smells like button here. Somebody butt in here. I know people that eat ass and they're like, I like butt. They like butt. Oh, a lot of people like the butt. They like, I know, yeah, but like if I'm gonna...

I'm gonna wanna... Your wife is listening. Okay, God, let's back this up. If I'm gonna eat Paul, Rudd's asshole. Again. Zoom in. Donuts. Okay, look. Let's get off butt. But I'm just saying I'm not at the place where I'm like, I love butt, like the taste, like the smell taste. I'd like it to be a neutral to zero, like a zero. Like a LeCroy. I don't mind a plus one. You love a plus one? I don't mind a plus one. You want a LaCroix, a Lecroy level of butt.

Because when you drink, you go, ooh, spicy. I like a little bit of spice. Off the butt, off the butt, off the butt. I understand. When you walk into someone's home... Yeah, you smell their butt. Favorite kitchen smell? Least favorite kitchen smell. You walk in a house. By the way...

Why do I feel like house smells were so much more the 80s? Now I feel like we're just... We got air purifiers. I'll tell you exactly why. Houses were much smaller back then. You walked into someone's house. You were already almost in the kitchen. That's right.

The front door was almost already in the kitchen. That is a fucking great observation. Not anymore. Now these houses, everybody wants a sprawling house and it's an open concept of the kitchen's in the very far. Yeah, yeah. It's behind glass. Yeah,

used to walk into a kitchen. Yeah, yeah. You were in the 80s, you went in the house, you're in the kitchen. That's the 80s. Yeah. And now it's like,

we have to give you a tour before you even know there is a kitchen. Don't like that. Don't care for it. They also say it was a heavy use of synthetic materials like vinyl and synthetic carpet

that trapped odors. Oh. What are you? I'm not making fun of you. What are you deeply useful? He is extremely useful, yeah. That's deeply useful. useful. But that is true because also

the couches, the shit material of all the couches in our homes, they trapped the smells for days. And we used to smoke inside. Yeah, smoking inside. So all this stuff kind of ruminated. But we've talked about this before. My dad used to smoke in the car and cloth seats were just the only way to live. No one I knew had

leather seats. That was insane. And the smell of smoke in a cloth seat on a car, I will say when the sun is beating on it, so good. That's why trash is finest, I, if you're listening and you're driving an Uber or any sort of car and you smoke in your car and you think... These are lift drivers that mostly listen to us. Lift drivers?

Yeah. Not Uber. Just know this. Everyone is only thinking about how horrible it smells in your car. Sometimes you'll get like a book, I just was doing press for this. I wrote a kid's book called Spells to Cast on your parents. It's available for pre-order now. That's incredible.

Did you really? I did. Spells to cast on your parents is available for pre-order. We're going to have the link in the description down below. Please Buy That? I really, would you please? Because it's like books. What I mean is to the audience?

I'm like, please pre-order it. It's so fun. It's a book you read with your kid, and they cast spells on you. So you get to get laughs from your kid. Do you do this with your kid? I did it for my kid. That was like the temp you were like, I'm going to test it out.

I bought a blank book from Amazon. You can just buy like blank books, and I made spells to cast on your parents, and I read it to Lila, and she loved it, and we pitched it. What's your favorite spell to cast? Well, honestly, it's the sleepy spell. One of them makes you fall asleep,

and I just love an excuse to be like, great. Dad, you go to sleep. I do. It's like the quiet game. It's the biggest trick. It's the oldest trick in the book. Or hide and not seek. Hide and I'll start seeking about seven or eight cigarettes.

You'll know Daddy's close when you smell Newport. Is there anything fresher than a Newport? And they call a cigarette a newport? Look, I'm anti-cigarette. I'm anti-cigarette. I think I'm ready for them to make a comeback. No, I'm JK. A lot of the Adam driver types, the Chalamays, are smoking them.

Is that big again? because it's this rebellion against the vape, against the vape, people don't let like vape. It's analog. It's analog. It's old school, yeah. And I'll tell you this. I don't want to encourage anyone to smoke,

but when I see a young person smoking a cigarette, I'm going to like, right on. They have a bush beer. They're listening to the Eagles and smoking a cigarette. I'm like, all right. Yeah. Is my Brad Pitt dog bull getting fucking rimmed right now? You're overflowing.

Wow. Lig that coagulation. Lig? I don't say lick, I say leg. Lig. The worst smell, this is kind of gross, but I don't like when people are cooking like a soup that has so many ingredients,

it becomes one just like digestion track odor. I'm going to say, not a lot of difference between a soup of a certain kind. Soup slop. And someone just took a fucking shit, dude. So that's my least favorite. You walk in and you're like, either something smells great or Jesus Christ.

I don't know. It's the same smell. It's the same smell. It's the same smell. The only smell that really turns me on when I walk past a house is the smell of a barbecue. A barbecue, yeah. When something's grilling, I don't even care what's on the grill. I'm like, God, that smells good.

A grill is great. It takes you back in your mind to a time when you had a really fun barbecue. You know what I mean? And you were like, oh, my God. At barbecues are one of the few things in life that don't disappoint. Yeah. It's outside and you're being overfed. We're just fucking basic bitches.

It's perfect. Just keep me outside. with friends, but like kind of mostly about potato chips. Like I see a lot of ketchup. A lot of dips. A lot of dips. A lot of dips. My God, a lot of dips.

I wish I could see Fat Pete growing up the first time I ate dip. I was like, you mean there's just a fucking tupper of mayonnaise? And wait. You get like a serving? No, it just sits there. And as long as you're hooked up to it, like a Tesla charger, you can just keep fucking, I'm 30 minutes still full. And no one can say no.

No one knows. No one knows. No one knows. The plate doesn't get involved. It's direct to consumer. Manez with a little bit of dill? That's where Britain, fuck off, has it right. They just put like mayonnaise.

At least they didn't like the 80s. They just put mayonnaise on the salad. Mayo on fries, by the way, very underrated. I don't know why we don't do that. I think we're in. I think that's in. We try to, but most of the time now you get naoli or something like that. They don't want to slop just mayo because they feel like it's classless. I say fucking give me the goddamn helmonds in the,

I want to into the bag. By the way, I'm very anti-milk deads in the popcorn. I just want to be out here. You're pissing me off. You know my candy in the popcorn? Here's why, Santino. I don't want a greasy, buttery, melty milkedad. I am a grown fucking man, and I know when I want a melt-Dun.

I don't need to find it like a truffle pig. I think it's so fun to search. It's not fun. It's fucking dumb. Because you don't like to hear me in the theater going, That's part of it That's part of it, baby I like sprinkling

Well actually the milk duds aren't my go to anymore Because of the The stickiness of the teeth It's an oral procedure I prefer a bunch of crunch Oh the crunch I love bunch of crunch I think bunch of crunch has a bad box

It's a shit box It's narrow and it's a shit box I think the art on the box Doesn't look as good as it is It's not inviting no It kind of says like I'm a video game or something It looks like

Well right like this is also Minecraft It looks like I need to know Minecraft To eat it But if I'm designing it I'm designing it in my mind Like there's a better Buncher Crunch box Who's got the best box?

The best box is maybe Oh I know what it is I don't want to rush my answer I was gonna say milk duds Because it's a classic Let's say it on three One wait let me think of it Oh because I know it right away

You see it in the theater Every two one Swedish fish Swedish fish It's the best It's yellow It's bright red It's perfect

I agree Bunch get stuck because it's a box. Like, the way like... It's not in a bag. It's not in a bag. It's not in a bag. It's not in a bag.

But I also like the box. If I get a sour patch kid in SPK, I'll open the fucking condom and dump them raw dog into the box because I like the... You want to know where I am. See, Reese is... Rees my problem. It crinkles the same when there's one and when there's 30.

I need to know. The box says one. The bag says full. Either way, one. I'm fucked off. There's a new Trump. And now I'm fucked off. And now I'm fucked off.

That's very good. That's actually good. I'm fucked off. I'm fucked off. I'm actually fucked off right now. That would make me so endeared to him. Reese's problem is because you rip that bag. It's too much rip opens up, right?

Oh, I like a Reese's box. The one that looks like it might be like a Japanese toothpaste. So you're being skinny boy because I like the bag because the bags are bigger. I love the feed bag. The feed bag has more Reese's in it. What are you fucking nuts? I have a joke where I go, I don't eat candy because I'm a grown fucking man.

Unless I go to the movies. I go to the movies. I'm going to be real right now. I'm going to be real. I was going to say 80. It's actually 90% to eat candy. Me too. You know how excited I get?

90% to eat fucking candy. It's almost always for me to snack. In the dark with a fucking 10 gallon paint bucket of popcorn, Reese's. Sometimes I go get another Reese's because I didn't make it through the previews. I always play a game. Make it through the previews.

I always lose. I eat it every single time. Gone. Well, why doesn't... Before I've seen what new thing Duck Shepherd is in. It's gone. In here, we pour whiskey.

Ooh, it's the NBA playoffs. Baby, I am very excited. I was able to go see the Lakers and the Rockets. Very fun, fun little game, huh? Good game for Brony James. LeBron, that is. That's who I'm talking about. And you can predict the playoff action

all the way to the finals with Fandul Pridix. All you got to do is sign. up. Take your $25 bonus. Sign up. You're going to get that $25 bonus right away. Follow all the playoff dishes, swishes, wishes, wishes, and misses. Every move is a potential plot twist. And if you've been paying attention so far, it's just getting hotter right now.

Who's going to be in the finals? Oh, my goodness. Predict the spread, the total points and even the game-winning moments that make the playoffs. You can predict it all, baby, where one run, one rebound, one shot changes everything. From opening tip to the final buzzer, stay locked in with every pass, every play, and every moment that moves us closer to crowning a champion. on. Sign up now for your $25 bonus on Fandul Predix. Offered by Fandul prediction markets, LLC, a registered futures commission merchant 18 plus bonus is non-withdrawable and expires seven days

after receipt. Trading derivatives involve significant risk. It may not be suitable for all investors. Manager activity with our consumer protection tools. Restriction to apply, see terms at fandul.com slash predicts slash bonus hyphen offer hyphen torres. Ginger. I like gingers. The joke goes, maybe you can help me with it. It's not done. It's like not the hour I'm promoting.

The special silly, silly fun boy, the hour I'm touring. The next hour, so it's like the most uncooked, barely anything. So maybe you can help me. Yeah. So this is two hours later. Two hours later, two hours after. I go, if you saw me in the park

eating a fucking paint bucket of popcorn and Reese's pieces, just broad daylight, you'd think I was an active shooter. That's pretty good, right? It's shocking enough to be like, it's insane, but in the dark. Is it pre-shoot or post-shoot?

It's definitely pre. You got a carboload. Yeah, you got a carboload. This is dark. There's certain punchlines that are right at the edge, and if you just, like, tag it. You keep going, they're like,

ah, I'm back here. He's jumping. We have human beings are remarkable creatures. And when we talk about being offended and all that sort of stuff, there's that. But there's also like, how are we all so good, really, at getting en masse, getting in a group, and knowing what's really over the line. We're very good at it.

Even if you think intellectually I'm offended at an active thing, but like your laugh will betray you. You'll still laugh at that. But then if you tag it, everyone knows it's two parts. You know what I'm trying to like? Yeah, because you take them right to the edge because you're saying, I look like an active shooter. A, they know you're not. and B, they haven't heard it or seen it yet. It hasn't happened yet.

So once you touch the... It hasn't happened in the joke. You haven't described... That's right. So they don't visualize it. It's just the door to tragedy. Don't go inside there. But it's right there.

I couldn't agree more. And by the way, paint bucket, good, good, good, good. Nine gallon paint buckets. But, but... Ten gallon? Home Depot has those buckets. And Home Depot bucket is iconic. It's like synonymous with like that.

If Home Depot did movie theater popcorn, I bet you my life, everyone would get one. They'd be like, I gotta get the Home Depot bucket of popcorn. It's just funny as fuck. Can I tell you something? That classic orange bucket. It's so funny. I have that bucket.

It's clean. It says on the sign, it's clean. It's clean bucket. Also, where I go is that's way too much popcorn to make a profit. No. No chance. Popcorn costs zero cents. Zero dollars.

The popcorn people are like, please take our popcorn. Yeah. It's just old corn. What if that was my take? It's just old corn And that's why it's healthy It's old corn No one wants old corn

Can I say this? We've got the newest old corn Our corn's the newest They gave it to us They called it maize It's maize He has like a beautiful Kind of respect

And indigenous respect Like what? Or on stolen land And we'll be eating new popcorn I want to tell you that Woke Trump Woke Trump

Before I start this press interview Before we kick this off, I'd like to pay respects to those that lived on this land before us. Please, a moment of silence for the Waganda people. You? But he says Waganda. The condom? He goes, fucking Black Panther.

President Trump, do you mean Black Panther? He's like, we also love them as well. The Black Panthers love me. Black Panthers love me. You wouldn't say that. Yeah. The Wakandans love me. They call me unobtainium. Wait, that's Avatar. He doesn't know. He doesn't know. It is funny to think of Trump watching Avatar.

Any movie. Yeah, any movie. Any movie. Because when you're watching a movie, you're letting it fuck you. This is why all hecklers are guys. Because they're like, you're going to fuck me? You're going to fuck me? How about this?

You look like a piece of shit. They're trying to get back a little cock. Right. Because they're getting fucked. I don't believe this, by the way. I just think it's an extreme way of saying you're giving yourself to something. Yeah. And it's hard for me to think of Trump being like,

oh, dim the lights. Killers of the Flower Moon. The flower of the killing moon, Leo. Oh, he's... I get the sense he's got a medium penis. Do you get medium penis from Leo? I just don't think it's a honker. I think Brad's a honker.

I actually disagree. You think Leo's got BDE? No, he's got an extremely regular... I mean, it's so neutral. That's kind of what I mean. But Brad does, too. You know, like, you know how you know a guy has a big old shlongy dong?

Yeah, Pete Davidson. is because he's true. No, no comment. He does. That's how ordinary that observation is. But it's because he doesn't project, I've got a big shlongy dong. PDD. Yeah, because big dick energy is a kind of a false narrative that's been perpetuated by people being like,

you have a big personality. You must have a big penis. Not true. Most guys I know that have big weaners. A good friend of mine, Kyle, I won't say your last name. We called him the elephant because in high school, he had a fucking elephant trunk for a, and I'm not kidding. Picking up an apple.

It was hysterical to watch. He was ding-dong. It was comical. Took him 40 minutes to wash. And you know what? He was embarrassed. Yeah, of course. He was embarrassed.

People made the joke and publicly he was like, can you stop telling people about that? The dork at high school who wears a cape and he has a sword? That's a big dick. That's a huge dick. But like, nerd dick is massive. You know the nerd, and I say this with respect, the nerd couple in high school that like found each other. Like there were two freaks. I say freaks has a freaky kind of ice-poke.

Freaks because they're different. They like it. They either hear it. They don't hear sound. They smell fear. The two fucking freaks find each other. They're both pale and they're kind of, they're melting a little bit, and there's a cape one, and then there's the book one,

and there's the thick and the bah, and then they find each other. And now they're just the most sexually active. Horneous people on earth. You just see them 69ing in the hallway, and you're just like, Jesus Christ, does he need? know he has a big one? Yeah, the quarterback goes by spinning a football on a spring and you're like, What up, Dork?

Micro Dick. Yeah, that guy's got micro dick. Dork Dick is huge. Dork Dick is, it never stops. It never stops. It goes on and on, nah, nah, nah, nine, seven, three. If you know pie, I'm just kidding. I have a friend who knows pie to like 72 digits.

Autistic or not? Not. Really? Why? How do you go that far? Some people just memorized it. I love pie. Yeah, I'm not a big fan.

Not in the way that I love pie. Don't put me in front of a pie. Pie is better than cake. Why? But it doesn't travel as well as cake. Pie is much better than cake because pie is also an accompanied dessert, right? Pie with ice cream. Pie and whipped cream, pie and fruit and coffee.

You can pair it well. Cake is going around just like, I'm enough. It's like Bruce Springsteen. Is it me? It's Bruce. It's Bruce. It's Bruce. He's like, I just got my guitar.

That's cake. That's cake. Pie is fucking the black-eyed peas. Yeah. Pie is Will I am. It doesn't travel well. Does not. And they don't either.

They don't sell well overseas. Oh, really? I know I have no idea. They probably do. I love a made-up fact. Nobody eats pie outside of the States. Yeah, they're not allowed to. They're not allowed to.

You know what I watched last night? Begrudgingly. Begrudgingly. I'm going to work it in. SillyCy Funbo on YouTube. I did not watch yet, and I'm going to watch it. I watched last night. I watched the.

Plyribus. Hellel, my brother Halel, the Red Hot Chili Peppers documentary. Halel, like, kosher, like... Hellel was the guitarist for the rat show peppers who died of an overdose. Oh, I shouldn't say that, but you know, if you know the band, you know. He dies of an overdose at a very young age. He was like the integral part of the chili peppers. Oh, wait, he's in the...

Under the Bridge, he's at the beginning. Yeah, no, I think he's dead at that point. Oh. I don't know if he died before. I think he died before they wrote that song. I have no idea. Here, let's just get good audio on me scratch. He died before they wrote that song.

88, yeah. So he was in like Mother Lovebone to Pearl Jam. He was like... That is actually very true. He was kind of on the crux of when Perry Farrell and James was coming to fruition. They were becoming friends with Flee. It's actually a fascinating story. But the thing that bothered me about...

This is a documentary? Yeah, the thing that bothered me about this. And I noted this. Chad Smith, the drummer. Will Ferrell. Yes, Will Ferrell. Great drummer, by the way. It's a shame that someone is like...

The Will Ferrell guy. fucking one of the greatest smashing the drums he's so good he joined post the death of halel i'm almost positive but he's been in the band since 1988

wow isn't spoken about once doesn't even do an interview once now did he know halel maybe didn't know him he joined the band after his death but it made me think how weird to be in the band for 40 fucking years yeah and they're not like can we get

a little piece of you talking about this and he didn't so my my brain goes to is he like i don't want to talk about that it could be it's interesting I know there are people that are that way about Farley like they don't want to like romanticize it well see whatever I'm not saying that this documentary no but manicized it but like but remember Bob Odenkirk in the Fair Farley documentary was like yeah this isn't cute it was really it's not like it was not like it was very sad yeah yeah he well you can tell he's

speaking from a wounded place and he's like great let's like you know it's like how do you cover things it has a lot to do with the thing the interpretation and people also don't know what the person was actually like so when somebody goes, oh, that guy. I'll say as someone who's known a lot of wild fucking, and they make great books and great documentaries, like, when you're with them, you're like, Jesus. Like, I can say with full confidence,

and I love Chris Farley, that there were a lot of people that were like, oh, my God, you know what I mean? No, yeah. When you're out of your mind, and these are addicts as an illness, I understand that, but like, it's not always, you know. This is amazing. Yeah, Matt Foley. It goes to a dark place

And I'm glad Odenkirk said that The tone just shifted, is it bad? You know, we're allowed to go back and forth We're allowed to go back and forth It's like sex Well, you have to go up and down with sex Well, actually, you can kind of keep it in And like do subtle thrusts

You're talking about soaking Soking is big in the Mormon community Huge Oh yeah, they put it in Put it in, they make someone go onto the bed and bounce them Then God knows it wasn't my fault It's an earthquake! I will say

sometimes it's the God believing people that condescend the most to God. Like, if I'm God, I would prefer you not believe in me than believe in me and think that I'm like, oh, that guy's just keeping his dick warm in a pussy and somebody is bouncing the bed because, I don't know, they must be cleaning? Right.

Like we had that in my Christian college, the loophole, God's loophole, which is the asshole. Yeah, the butthole, yeah. People are hardcore anal fucking, and they're like, I'm a virgin? Like, what kind of, for real? A lawyer. Please consider what kind of God is like, I specific.

Oh, it's up the butt. No worries. I said no sex. Not jizzing up a hot brown one. Jizzing up a hot brown one. Is that in Genesis? No. No, that's on me.

I should have been more clear. I hate the vagina. I hate the vagina. Look at it. I made it! Of course I hate it! Look at it! I think about my neighbors only hearing I hate the vagina and the peak volume. I wore the shirt just for you, by the way. Which one? Godspeed. I saw that. I wore that for you. I did immediately.

Because I wanted it. I was inquiring. I do want to know. I actually picked it out this morning and I thought, I've worn this shirt before, but I haven't worn in a while and I thought, what is the speed of God? When somebody says God's speed, yeah. What does this mean? I think it means, I know my man that's gonna look it up. He's gonna look it up, but I'm gonna say it's like, speed is like go God is go with God go with God go with God see I interpreted as like adios God's God's God's God's speed yeah means uh the all encompassing of of God's greatness so to me it's like somebody saying um I hope you were able to encompass the greatness of God oh like God speed good luck it means kind of like a I like that a can you be can you can you can you try to I like that

be that I think you're going to be like as the falcon flies like you think you're I thought it was a measure. No, no, not a measurement. A bow shot away. No, I think it means that this metaphorical circle to me of God's speed. You can eat it. There's no plate involved. Nobody knows.

But speed can be both. Because you look at a tachometer of a car, right? Why? It's in a circle. The attack. The attack on a car that shows you your speed. Yeah, yeah. Why is it in a circle?

Yes. So to me it's like a... Oh, it could have been like an empty full. Exactly. But we like that it goes back. like the idea that I can, how much can we, what does it mean? Godspeed. I had originated from Middle English.

The oldest detected use of the phrase was found in a 1300s text from Lancelot. All right, the Green Knight, saying, he may bid God me speed, which the University of Rochester translates to ask God to grant me success. Oh, okay. Well, kind of close to what I'm saying, the speed of the speed of the... The success, the eternal being. Yes. Well, there's a lot of, like, it's funny, in our language, there's things like, you know,

oversight, what is it called when somebody's like a manager that's supervisor? Oh, supervisor. These are like shamanic terms. It's like the shaman take, I know people, white people say shamanic. But like they take mushrooms or they take a lot of something and they get like, you get that feeling. Like Ron Funches has a great joke about mushrooms. They pick you up out of the maze.

Like you're a rat in the maze and it picks you up. It gives you oversight. But we still have that. Like can you understand something? Can you get underneath it? So there's like space. language. Can you be a supervise? Am I pitting? No, you're good. Am I pitting? Not in that shirt.

Not in this shirt? You'll never know. You'll never know. Did you see those clips where I made fun of Bobby? I wanted to make you proud. When he said David Spade's my friend and I just was like... The Montclair jacket was one of the funniest jokes. I was dying. I just, I felt like I was trying to represent... Well, you also called me after you did the interview and we talked for like 20 minutes

about it. Well, that was because I was like, what is this guy? It made me laugh so hard. I love Bobby, but I am confused by him. I don't I think part of that it was deliberate for many years and then now it's truly who he is. He is very confusing and confused. Like he used to just be kind of like a kooky man. Now he's very confused himself. I think he, like all of us, we're trying to, we have different moments of life where we're trying to re-figure out. I don't like the midlife crisis term, but like we're all going through mini little crises where we're like.

But he's like 60. He's 54. He's going through a, well, for him, Asians. He'll live. That's half. You think? He'll live to be 108. Don't you think he'll be one.

He's gonna, you're basing this, how much on Miyagi? 100? Yeah, I think it lived to be 101. Wait, what does it say? South Korea has the world's highest, one of the world's highest life exactancies reaching 83.5 to 83.7 years. On average. On average. Yeah, but that's very good. But the big dogs live to be a honey.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And my people, the Irish lads, we're out of here by 66, 67. It's called polite. It's the Irish goodbye. Yeah. Goodbye. The ultimate Irish goodbye. I don't want to bother you.

Yeah, I got to. to get out of here. Louis had a great bit where he's like, one of your parents is going to die first and it's not the one you want. Right. Isn't that hilarious? And the other one will never fucking die.

And he brought it in. It's like, it is impolite. Yeah. Now, keep smelling this. Change the gauze. Like, it's fucking. It's wild. I hope some of them love it.

Like, if it's just the ultimate, like, whoops, there's something in my pan for you. And they're just like fucking ripped on power. But that's why you've told your daughter that you will walk into the woods and die alone and be away from her. So she doesn't have to deal with it. She slathers me with honey. This is the deal. She slathers me with salmon and honey.

And she ties my feet so I can only do little hops. And then we have a duck call because bears love ducks. They love ducks. They love a duck. Duck Dynasty. Is that still on? Should be. If it's not, I've got it.

I hope it's still on. Are they Korean? Half. Those guys are going for the distance. They really are. They're going the distance. They're quacking. out there. I shouldn't riff on things I don't know. I don't know anything. No, you know a lot of stuff

actually. No, I don't follow anything in the news. So like when you were like the prince that's on the Epstein. Prince Andrew, yeah, you didn't hear about it. Well, you know, I've been trying, there's another bit on the second hour, the hour that I'm not even doing yet. It's like, it's based on this book called Tribe. Again, maybe you can help me make this funny. It's interesting, but I don't know if it's funny. I go like, there's, it's in our biology. Our brain, all of that physiology is you're only supposed to know and care about 150 people. And I'm not saying it's not beautiful or noble or admirable. I'm going to start unfollowing people on Instagram. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Just get it down to 150. That's what I'm saying. You should. 150. Well, my, that's exactly,

you're ahead of the joke. That's exactly what I'm saying is like, I'm not saying it's not beautiful to care about the entire planet. I'm saying it overwhelms your system just biologically speaking. So I go, 150 people. And I go, watch this. Ben Affleck, George Clooney, Christian Bale, Casey, Affleck, Al Gore, George Bush, George W. Bush, Donald Trump, Obama, Michelle Obama. And just fucking go as long as you can and then go, what was that? You knew everyone I was saying. No wonder you're stressed out. You shouldn't, we can't walk around like, Ryan Secrest has lupus? You're not supposed, and this is what I do in the crowd. I go, some of you aren't even laughing. You're like, Ryan Secrets has lupus. He doesn't have lupus.

I'm just making a point. But now you name someone who does have lupus. But who does have lupus? Casey Affleck. That's right. Take it back to the beginning. You go, and you need to relax. Ryan doesn't have it.

Casey Affleck, he does actually have lupus. That's the great Eddie Izard joke that goes underreported in my opinion. I forget who it is because it's somebody European, I think. But he's like, I have bad news. Bad news. Top of the show. Bad news. I hate to tell you.

Probably didn't see because you're all here in your seats with your phones off. But Molly Tamag has died. and Molly Tamag is a pop star and who cares? Scotland? Like, what is the UK? I'm just kidding. So Molly Tamagga, sorry, she's dead.

I'm sorry. I'm just kidding. She's not dead. You guys, I wouldn't start the show like that. She's not dead. She's dead. And he does it the whole show and he gets it this small

where he goes, like one of, I think Eddie Azard, Eddie Azard, I think is how you say it, is one of the underreported greats. Oh, he's incredible. I know we know that. Yeah, but right, you're saying on the mass.

But I'm just sort of like, I don't know, a lot of people, I don't know. He's not making enough lists. Well, we really... Or I'm sorry, I don't know Eddie's pronouns. That's real. No, I don't know either. This isn't fake.

No, no, I know. I just, you made me think for a second. Well, he can look it up. Look it up, kiddo. No, but you're right. You're right. I don't. But you know what it is?

I watch as a show on Amazon. Eddie is Ard. I-Z-A-R-D. There's a show on Amazon where it's British comics trying to make each other crack. Have you seen this? And Carr is hosting it?

Oh, fun. A haunted puppet from an antique road show is hosting it? That's fantastic. I'm so glad that those scary dolls from Toy Story 4 are still working.

Yeah, well, they have to. They have to. The union's not doing the same. He's hosting the show and they're trying to crack each other. It's like a fake reality show. They're lit in a house together and they're just trying to crack each other.

Make them laugh. And yes, dude, and honestly. And if you laugh, you have to leave? Yes. It's brilliant. That's a great idea. It's brilliant. And also, you're watching them, and every single person's bits are making me laugh.

And they're holding. And I thought, this is a very British humor that we love. I don't know if America loves as a whole. America doesn't really get into those. Because if it's too cheeky, Americans are like, what are you being? You're saying I'm dumb? It's like, no, no, they're just being facetious. They're winding you up.

And they're like, no, you're saying I'm fucking dumb. Yeah, yeah. You're saying I'm a dumb guy. I'll tell you a story. This is America. I think Donald Glover, Don't get you slipping up immediately. It's where it goes every time somebody says that. She. Great song. She. Oh. She. She does not make enough lists. She does not make a love.

I'm not being funny. Still Eddie? Yeah. Eddie? I'm just going to say Eddie doesn't make enough lists. Yeah. That's the best. Keep it simple. But you did do the right thing. You said, I don't remember. And we checked. I will say. And we check. People act like consent is so confusing and pronouns are so confusing. It's not. Take it from someone who's done it a thousand times. Just go, can I get a pronoun? Check? Pronown check. Just make it a thing. It's not harmful. Can I get a pronoun check?

Yeah. I'm just asking. It's not going to hurt anybody. Nobody's mad. Yeah, it doesn't matter. Everybody's like, thank you. Yeah. It does not matter.

It's not fucking Pat. Remember in the 90s? It's Pat. We're like, oh, I don't know their gender. Ask Pat. That's the next show. Ask Pat. The next sketch is Ask Pat.

It's just someone going, excuse me, pronoun? They go, they, and they go, great. And that's the sketch. That's the sketch. Executive producer, Learned Michaels. They're at the goodbye. We decided that we finally should be asking. We should be asking, Matt.

It is. One of the wonderful things about once you have. They're pretty close. They are. Those two impressions are right next to each other. For some reason. One's Canadian, though. And one loves popcorn, and the other loves poop corn.

New corn, poop corn, new corn. You know, Lauren does snack on popcorn all day long. You know this. Lauren does? Yeah, it's like a thing. That's real? 100%. He has a, in his office all day.

Like Reagan for jelly beans? Same exact thing. Except he's going to live longer. Way longer. are... I don't know what's in that jelly, but it's not, you know, life-giving. It's also not a bean. It's not a bean.

It's the shape of a bean. I planted one? All I got was diabetes. Diabetes is okay to make fun of. You know why? Because you can control it. Yeah, it is your fault. And you can control it.

Well, diabetes type two. That's the funny one. Type 1 is not funny. And if you said, no, it's not. It's absolutely not. Like some 12-year-old kid has type 1 diabetes. For no reason. riffing on that.

Type two. Fony. Let's go about diseases that are funny. Let's go down unless the disease you're allowed to make fun of. Well, you can make fun of alcoholics. That's the great Gaffigan joke.

Because it's the only disease you can get mad at someone for having. Right. It's fucking hilarious. Yeah, that is so good. It's so good. One of the diseases are you allowed to make fun of? You can make fun of lupus.

I already said it. Yeah. You can make fun of candida. You can make fun of anal polyps. I have psoriasisis. Sorias is a go-to. It's so funny. It's from comedian.

Yeah. What? In the movie. Does he have it? It's orny. I'm on the bus. And there's a sign that says one out of, chances are somebody on this bus has lupus.

I look around, I'm the only one on the bus. Letterman, you remember, asks him to change it. Don't say lupus. They change it to. Sorriasis. Sorriasis. Sorriasis is not a funny word. It's not a funny word.

But I don't think, I stand by the choice. You can do it. Lupus. Lupus. Two syllables is what did it. It sounds like loopy. Yeah, Soraya SS is way too long. Fruit lupus?

Fruit lupus. You know Tucan Sam's got fruit lupus, right? And Tony the Tigers got gronorrhoea. Grades. They're grades. I've got grades. See, what you just did. Very tricky.

Okay, making it a grades joke. I mean, but you found a way to do it. I'm going to tell you a joke. We have the same phone. Dude, nobody has this one. Nobody has this phone. This is the one we have. I can't.

I've never met. Well, I've met one other person. Kiss. Make him kiss. I just gave you like a file. Whoa. Hairdrop. I'm going to tell you a joke I wrote while I was really high.

Yeah. Okay. People talk about how bad the times are, and they are. But they are improving. Like, think about Bible times. Kane and Abel. Kane killed Abel. There were four people.

That's a quarter of the Earth's population. To do that now, you have to kill two billion people. I guess. Kane was the equivalent of people. two billion people. It's not chill. It was a genocide. And then I go,

this is a lie. I haven't done this joke. I wrote it down with a guy. A friend of mine dared me to write a joke where the punchline was genocide. I thought that would make it funnier. That is good. Yeah, yeah.

You like it? But I believe that. Which part? The dare. The dare. The dare is very good. People that listen to whiskey ginger, bad friends, good friends,

put it in my fucking ding dong. In my end. Whatever the fucking bell end podcast this is? You must be huge in England. You look wet. You look like a guy who came in from the rain. I don't know what I mean, but why do you laugh? I like it.

There's something weathered about you in a way that's British. Yeah. No, no, no, no. You look crisp. You look crisp. The Brits look like they can trust me, that they know I can't be out at the beach all day. So they're like, you're one of us. They would give you a task.

Yeah. Like, what's he going to do? Go to the beach? No. The beach wants him dead and can do it. Godspeed. Silly, silly, fun boy is the podcast. Those look like comedy glasses.

They're not, but because you haven't been wearing them and you came up with them. He does that when he starts to trip. He takes in the morning. Those look like good mushroom glasses. Orange? I took mushrooms three nights ago. Fantastiche.

Fantastiche. I played Vegas, and I wanted to walk around and enjoy it. I didn't want to do anything but walk around and enjoy it, and I walked around and I enjoyed it very much. I watched my cousin play roulette for about an hour and a half. On mush? Yeah. Did you have any premonitions?

You know what the weirdest thing was? I was doing a beautiful mind in my head, and I gave no numbers out. I was literally going, you know what I did? That's mushrooms. That's not true. Luke can verify. I did say my hand to God.

He goes, favorite numbers. And I keep, a few times I said. And then the other time I go, no, no, no, nothing. No, don't. And then one time I didn't say, because three is my lucky number, I didn't say put it on three and three hit. And the mushrooms went, you should have told him. And I said, quiet, quiet.

We're in here doing our thing. We're building in here. We're building. Be quiet. We're building. Be quiet. You know what annoys me about mushrooms and myself, and I think, my gate changes when I'm on mushrooms. Yeah, yeah, you turn into the keep on trucking guy with the longs.

Why do I do that? My gate always changes when I'm on mushrooms. Mushrooms are like, you should be moving this thing. Like, why aren't you just fucking moving? Like, it's so funny to have a body. And we go around like, hello, where can I park? It's fucking waste. Is the bathroom in the corner of that way?

is gluten-free? I don't have celiac. I'm just fucking idiot. Fucking idiot. Eat the goddamn Oreos and walk like this, you fucking idiot. That's mushroom. It is true.

I love it. I did them not that long ago. And I had a great relationship with a tree. I know that's very classic, but it was this beautiful. I go away. I fuck off. It was like a gathering at my house,

and people were doing them, and they were all like partying in the pool. And I'm being kind of a bitch, but I'm like, what a waste. What a waste. These things want to talk to you as much more than. They do want to talk to you. But I will say water on mushrooms is amazing.

I love water on mushrooms. I did go in the... Big fan. Big fan. Yes, I understand. But I don't like socializing. Because to me it's like, you're like now you're standing on. Here's the experience.

And you're like, how are you, Daniel? Imagine! Have you seen with Nail and I? Fucking piece of cunt shit. I love being filthy out of nowhere because I look like a youth doctor. Yeah, you look. So it's funny when I'm like, you fucking cancel pussy in the first 30 seconds. I just don't want, I want to be like a, you know those water snakes?

It's like a tube. Oh, yeah. And you can't hold. That's what I want to be. You are. And I'm not forcing this. That's what silly, silly fun boy is. It's like, here's a wholesome joke about me being a dead.

Here's like a weird existential joke about God. Here's like the dirtiest joke you've ever heard. Here's like the cutest joke. I think a good hour of stand-up should be like an epic dream or a mushroom trip. Yeah, all over the place. You know how there's a part in every mushroom trip where you're a lot. little like, I don't know if I like this. Yeah. That's what makes it compelling.

Yeah. If it was just every time, that's MDMA. And people don't talk about MDMA as much as they talk about mushrooms. People don't talk about MDMA changing their life as much as they talk about mushrooms. Because mushrooms is like, welcome now that I have you, blows out a candle and now it's like fingering your eye.

You're like, Captain Crunch, it's Cap'n. And you're like, what? It's Cap'n. And you're crying. That's what I want my hour to be. Clip it. Clive it. Clip it and dip it. In here, we pour whiskey. So many people think, hey, man, I should probably go to therapy. Maybe it will help me. Who knows?

And then you just don't do it. You bail, you got a lot going on. Everyone does that a lot. I myself have done that, okay? But sadly, sadly, it's so much easier than you ever expect thanks to Rula. Rula genuinely takes five minutes. Five Minutes. and you don't have to be there when you're emotionally prepared. Just sign up right away and see how you get there on your own.

You spend a lot of money and a lot of time on other stuff and remove those excuses, and you must try because Rula makes accessing quality mental health care affordable with sessions costing an average of $15 with insurance. $15. How much did you pay for that breakfast sandwich today? $15. Breakfast sandwich and a coffee is probably what it's going to cost you to get quality mental health care. Thanks to Rula.

Rula can help you feel better with no. 93% of patients reporting symptom improvements, okay? Sign up, find a great therapist in as little as five minutes. Appointments are available as soon as the very next day. And I'm telling you, therapy changed my life. I personally love it so very much. I think you should give it a whorrel. And if you want it fast and easy and very affordable, Rula's got you.

So head to rula.com. That's rula.com to find a therapist the easy. Ginger. I like genders. It is true. It is the fear, the fear that settles in for a couple. a couple of minutes. Oh my God, every time. And you do have the phrase that runs through all of our heads, so be

aware, will this stop? Yeah, will this stop? Will this end? I always go, whenever I've ingested a psychedelic, I go, you'll come back. You always do. And that's all you need to remember. Except for my friend Todd. We miss you, Todd. Todd is a glass of orange juice. It was Tang. He didn't have enough self-love. He didn't have enough self-love. He was like, actually, I'm the astronaut.

What is your talk-me-down to yourself? When you do get the moment where you go, So will this break? Will I be okay? Yeah, that's a great question. I want to answer it authentically. So I'm not just going to fire off in riff mode. If I'm feeling overwhelmed, I have a couple mantras.

What is it? One is I trust myself, meaning this is the other mode of me, right? Your essential self is God's self. Yeah. So you can say, I trust myself. It's another way of saying, I trust God. But God isn't somewhere else watching my trip. He is within me experiencing the trip as me.

So you can go, I trust myself, even if it's frightening. I go, I trust myself. Another way to say that is, yes, thank you. So you're having this weird like mushrooms is like pushing your perception down and you're like, my wife looks like fucking Don Rickles right now. Just go, yes, thank you. What are you?

What is this guy, a Jew? You're like, hey, look at this fucking. You can't add the F in front of the J. You can say, is this a Jew? Is this a Jew? What is this a Jew? What are you? What are you?

That's what I get for. trusting a Native American. Like that is okay. Yeah. But you have the F word. For some reason. Everyone will know. Like,

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Itchy. Um, yes, thank you. Is it great. I've talked about this a lot. I'll talk about it every time it comes up because it's really changed my life. If you wake up in the middle of the night and you're just having, you're misfires of anxiety.

You were just having a dream. You were being chased by a scorpion. You got up to pee. You get in bed. Your heart's still kind of going. Oh, I hate that. Give yourself a break. You just had a dream.

You were being chased by a scorpion. And then Roseanne Barr was like. on the scorpion. Like, that's overwhelming. So take a few breaths and you're going, now you're going like, oh, I don't have enough money. Oh, I'm going to die. Like, what if I lose this? What if, what if this happens? Just go, yes, thank you. I know it doesn't make any sense. It works. It's not some meditation technique. It's literally psychology. It's just stop resisting it. And the thing doesn't know what to do. It's like a ball you're pushing underwater. And it's actually you pushing it down that's giving it all of it.

If you just go, yeah, be as big as you want, guess what, there's nothing the space of your awareness can't hold. It might not be pleasant, but it'll pass faster if you just welcome it. It's really bizarre. And really practical for those 4 a.m. freakouts, which I have. Oh, I have them all the time. I hate them.

And I also just go like, yes, yes, thank you. If you want to unpack it a little bit more, you go, I'm lawfully unfolding. It's like this is how Pete, remember Planko? Oh, yeah. You drop the plinko chip down the plinko. You're just plinking. You're just doing it.

It's not like something's wrong with you. There's no flaw in the system. You shouldn't be not anxious. You shouldn't be sleep. It's just what's happening. There's something really beautiful about going, I'm just a dog biting an itch. But if you go, why am I fucking,

I'm such an animal biting it? Like, just allow it. Just go like, you don't choose your thoughts. That one's easy. Right. What's my next thought going to be? You don't know. But we take them so personally.

You have these hurtful, hateful, ugly, mean, petty, greedy, selfish, fear-based thoughts. But really just remind yourself, I didn't choose that. It's just appearing in me, and I don't have to sign for the delivery. Right. Comes to the door. You're just sad. No. No, thanks.

That just came up. That has nothing to do with me. But the next step is you don't choose your emotional responses either. You get a text from your parents, sets you off. You have this big feeling. just like a thought you didn't choose. You can go, I didn't choose this, and it loses its grip.

I'm not saying you don't have it, but what keeps it around, what gives it a bear hug is like, me persona, I go, I'm a spiritual person. I'm not supposed to have reactivity. I thought I was beyond this. Like, I was just on a retreat,

meditating. Shouldn't I be more equanimity? All of that is just holding it in and delighting in it. It's just fucking masturbating your negative emotion. Or just go like, I'm as part of this as a bird. A bird singing doesn't bother me.

My feelings coming up shouldn't bother me. It's the same thing. I don't mean it's similar. I mean it's the same fucking thing. Your voice and my voice, a bird's song, a feeling, it's made of the same knowing that knows them. So fucking back off. Back off.

And you're off the hook. Really, really, really. Some people don't like thinking they don't have free will. There's a great relief in just going, I'm just a plinko going down. Do your best. That's part of your experience. I'm not saying don't try.

But no, ultimately, it's just kind of flowing. Yeah. And you can take it a lot less personally. And that's really peace. This is why I like talking about spiritual things. It's not to like have afterlife assurances or have all the answers. It's to deal with the panic. I might feel after this podcast, I'm like, I said the thing about Bobby Lee being fat or whatever.

And I'll just be like, like if somebody, if Bobby, he won't. If he was like, hey, I heard what you said on whiskey ginger, it hurt my feelings. I wouldn't say this. I would just say, I'm sorry, man. You know I love you. I didn't mean it like that. But what I want to say is like, yeah, man, pizza trip. Like, I'm in him all the time.

I don't endorse everything he does. No. I don't endorse everything he thinks quite the opposite. That's why comedy is so beautiful. You go up and you're like, like my new special has jokes about letting myself down. I hate comedian. Well, I shouldn't say that, but it's true. I'm just peeding.

I don't like when comedians use the stage to just brag about how they knew what to say, they knew what to do, and they won. I punched the guy, no, I'm driving the bus. You know, like, fuck off. I'm Keanu Reeves. I'm not Keanu Reeves. I'm the woman with a baby carriage full of cans. I'm a mess.

So like, use an alpha position to love yourself, celebrate yourself, tell jokes, and let them project their letdowns on you and laugh at it. That's part of the fun of comedy. It's shadow work. You go, oh, I've been an idiot. I tell a story in the special about my friend lost his kid. But Lila and I were in line for the last carousel ride of the day. It was at the park over in Los Felas.

So we're waiting for the carousel. She's like three years old. She's never been on a carousel. She's so happy. We're about to get on my friend Sam, real name, true betrayal, goes, have you seen River? I can't find River. He's like white. He can't find his kid.

And I go, oh no. walk through the turnstile with my daughter because I'm like, I'm sure and then I'm on the ride Santino, this is real, I'm on the ride going, River! Keeping an eye out. That story is humiliating.

I favored my daughter. I just was like, I just took a chance. They did find her. That's obviously how the joke goes. He'd be fucked up if I was like, and she's gone, right? They found her, she's fine. But I think that is what elevates comedy to an art form. It's like, look, I'm in the lights. I'm loud.

I'm tall. I'm on the stage. It's all this primal stuff. You're the leader. I don't think of myself that way, but you are the focus of 300,000 people, whatever it is. Imagine using that platform to go, I fucked up.

Let's laugh at it. Because it's not essential to me. I was okay before I did it I was okay after I did it I was okay while I did it it's just Plinko I just made a bad choice don't take it so seriously that's the gift

or it wasn't a bad choice it just you were bounced the other way on the Plinko board you just took another peg I hit the peg and I looked at my and by the way people know you do it with your girlfriend you do it with your wife people do it for loved ones all the time

you just kind of prioritize somebody over somebody else it's one of the fucked up things about life. Yeah. So there's something, we're working that out. We know when we walk past an unhoused person

on a way to a fancy dinner and we're like, what the fuck is this? That's it like a way to kind of, let's look at it and let's let some of the steam off of it. It's so fucking heavy being in this world.

I know it is. I'm in it too. But like laughing can be not dismissive and mean and like putting it down, but it can be a way of like loosening some of those things and making them mentionable.

Right. Because we're laughing at it. Well, maybe we can look at that. Maybe after I did that thing, I was like, I made the wrong choice. I know. I don't know. Your daughter's your priority.

I know. Not the other kid's kid. Well, we're on the... Look, I love you. I love you. Well, it's the other guy's kid. There's another story I tell. There's only so many shelves I can stock.

You know what I mean? The other one. Okay, yes. Buddy, I love you. Because that's also, there's also something beautiful going on there where they're with the laughs telling me, I've done that too.

I know what you're talking about. There's another story. I use this as a more extreme example. It's in the special. I'm driving behind a Jeep in Malibu, like in the... PCH? Yeah, it's where it gets all up in the mountains

and there's no guardrail. Big cliff. And the guy, this is a true story. I'm telling it real fast. And I make a real meal of it in the special. But he just starts veering off the road. He's looking at his phone or something towards the cliff. and I'm with Val.

Middle of the day, I just went, bye. That, to me, and he corrected, again, it's a very similar joke. It'd be fucked up

if he did a fiery barrel roll down the hill. That's why I love you, but you're a comic, right? And a lot of people are like that. I shouldn't say comic. A lot of people have that

appreciation for the dark kind of stuff. Cool to see. I've never seen it live. Wow. But to me, those are the stories. story is worth telling. It's like, I didn't, the point of the story is I didn't make the choice. I didn't make the conscious choice to go, bye, but for some reason it was just happening on my phone.

Yeah. I was just like, huh, I wonder what the, like, it just wasn't real. Right. And then I was like, it would have taken less effort to honk, but it was just like, where's this going to go? So that's comedy. I thought about that, but if he did honk, well, that scared him even more, it then goes even further off the world. Yeah, yeah. We live in a world where anything can happen. you could see a guy go off the road and that's terrifying and these are the things I would say need to be looked at and laughed at.

Well it's almost like have you ever seen a video of someone someone just circulated in a video again the beaches in Mexico and Cabo sometimes they're so steep going down because of the erosion and these waves are so big that they say all the time sometimes don't go out because the pull is too strong you'll never be able

to climb back up and every time every year some idiot goes down there thinking come out I can get back up. But there's a video that was circulating about a guy that just couldn't get back up. I mean, it took a good five minutes of him trying to fight the waves and climb, and then it swept them down and fight the waves. But they're standing there on the beach because you can't go down there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the craziest shit is, what are you going to do? Walk away? Well, I have another joke. I don't think I'll end up doing this one, but I was like, I think our phones obviously are desensitizing us to stuff. Because I saw a guy sit on a chair and the legs behind gave out, the back legs, and he just started falling.

And I just watched. I just was like, I'm like double-tapping reality. Liking real life. I like this. Just commenting. Watch this fat fuck break us back. Where do I comment?

Oh, I just say it. Ha-ha, fat is! But like, that needs to be looked at. Yeah. I'm not doing comedy with a purpose. I'm just saying like, that's right under our nose, that we are just, and I see this in life.

People just like watch, conflicts. In the 80s, 90s, hey, look out. You know what I mean? Or get involved. No look out now. Like if somebody's having a meltdown at a Trader Joe's, you film it. Phones up. It used to be, look, I know

I'm sounding old, but it used to be some majestic fucking Navy man would be like, hold on! Cooler heads prevail. But he's also no nonsense. I said, shut the fuck up. You know what I mean? Like, it wasn't gentle.

Shut out! Now listen, he's going to be out for three to five. When he comes back, I want you guys making amends. Make an out. Give me a bag of frozen peas. And these peas are mine now. I thought you were going to put it on his eye. No, I'm hungry.

Nope. I love a bird's eye. Birds eye. Supervisor. Birds eye. Eat your peas. We looked at the whole crop and these were the best peas. That's what they're saying.

That is. Bird's eye. Those peas? Good peas. You don't want a gerbil picking your peas. He's just picking the ones he can see. I want birds-eye peas. Too many peas. What's weird is my specialist sponsored by birds-eye peas.

Birds-eye peas, please pick up a bag today. Great on your nuts after a vasectomy. And you got a double vasectomy. I did. I had it. I got a vasectomy. I got it reversed. Jizzed all over like a glass table.

Like the album cover for load. Is there anything fucking? more bullshit than the story of the album cover for Lode, it's bullshit. Do you remember? Yeah. Everyone does. Yeah. He was just like, Kirk, the guitarist, they were like, we needed an album cover. He just jerked off on a glass table.

There was some pig's blood. He smeared it in the blood. We took a picture. Now you didn't. You were in a studio. You fucking weirdos. Kirk, are you ready? Give me a minute. Stop looking! It's fucking dumb. It was Annie Leibowitz. All right. Put the Jizz on the glass. You know what Jiz does after you? like 15 seconds, it starts to turn into

nothing. Yeah, it goes away. It goes away. It goes away. That's God's gift to the Jizzers. Did it happen? I heard another album cover story the other day that reminded me of, I think Jizza was in an interview. Jizza? Yeah. Was it Jizzah was an interview? Talking about

talking about how the Wutang album, they're all wearing masks, and it was almost none of them. It was none of them. No, it was some of them, but it wasn't all of them. No, but then other guys were not in the group. and they were just wearing men. I'm gonna say with no shade to the clan. Wutang Clan ain't nothing to fuck with.

Which clan? Ku Klux Klan is also nothing to fuck with. I'll be honest with you. Really? Do not fuck with those guys. Did you make a few riffs? I did. Yeah, they came after me.

The Klux is not happy with me. Now the clan, the clan loves me. The Klan loves me. Wu-Tang! The Klux does not like me. Clan in the front. I'm just saying once you have a group that's 10, 12, 15? Nothing to fuck with.

No? Hard to get together. And that's what he says in this. He's like, it's impossible. We're never together. It's impossible. You're gonna, old dirty bastards is dead, but Rizza, Jizza, Method Man, Ghostface killer.

Ghostface, he's out killing ghostface. He's busy. Which is Whitey's. Yeah. Rayquan, the chef. Rayquan is a great chef. By the way, he's a Michelin chef now. I don't know if you know that.

He's cooking at a restaurant in New York. He really is. Is that real? No, but it's good. I did sell it, didn't I? I do do that well. I forget how good of an act. I can do a sell.

I can do a really good sell. But Rayquan should open up a restaurant called Kwan's. And it would be an Asian, Asian, because they love Asian shit. Only built for sausage links. Only built. And Jewish guys love hip hop. Period. Jewish guys, I'm saying, hip-hop guys love kung fu-foo.

in Asia. Yep. Asian guys, what do they like? What do they like? Success. Adidas slippers. With socks.

Smoking in a crouched position. That was worth it. Smoking down there. See, an amateur. I'm going to smoke. Down there. You know why? There's going to be like there.

You know why they smoke down there? Why? To get close. They smoke down closer to the earth? To survey. It's going to be fake. No. Because when you smoke and you're standing, you're not really aware of your surroundings.

When you're down, you have to be on a swivel. It's fake. Because everything is above you. It's fake. It's fake. It's fake. I loved every second of it. I wish I hadn't said it was fake.

But Jewish guys love hip-hop. Period. I've known a lot of... Isn't a little dicky Jewish? Is he ever? That's my point. Yeah. It works.

The Beastie Boys. Joe Mandy. I'm just saying, Lil Dickie. Little Dicky's, I think he's Jewish. Fire, though. Yeah, but they, but they like hip hop. Non-Jewish kids like hip-hop, but Jewish kids like hip-hop, but Jewish kids like hip-hop because.

Yes. Because. Are you going to say? You're going to say it. Mm-hmm. Go ahead. You can say it if you want to say it. I think I know what you're going to say, but.

Go ahead. What am I going to say? What if it's not? What is it? On the count of three. One, two, three. Swedish fish. Netanyahu.

Oh. Madas Yahoo. Madis Yahoo is Netanyahu. You've never seen them in the same room. They're the same guy. Modus Yahoo. Is Benjamin Netanyahu. It's the same guy.

Who's Benjamin Nottingyao? Other than your Netflix password. When will that not be funny? When will that not be funny? Six more years, maybe. It's actually my HBO Max password. But they made me put a money sign at the end of it, which is a little redundant. I hate when they're like one special character.

Oh, I like that. Special character. That bothers me so much. Exclamation point is special. That's an upside-out eye, bitch. A special character? How about my cousin Tim who has a disability? He's a special character. And I can't put him in there? Can I put a gif of Tim in my passport? Is that what you want? Is that what you mean? Would you like a Tim Giff?

It's a very special character. You draw a circle around an A and now it's special? Yeah. Why? Why do they get special assignment? Or why would the cross through it? The Marilyn Manson kind of why? By the way, I know I'm reversing, but you dropped the nugget inside of my brain that made me laugh so hard. When you said God is with you while you're tripping. I loved it like 10 minutes ago, I was like, and the oneness can hold it all. And I'm like, you ever have a Joe, do it?

This is it. That's what comedy is. That's what my brand is. That's what comedy is. You don't know where I am. You made me think if God is having breakfast in the morning, and someone's like, what's going on today, God? And he's like reading the paper as if he's just one of us,

and he's eating cereal. And he's like, I think I'm gonna go, I think I'm gonna trip with Pete today. Yeah. And who's ever with him is like, oh really, seriously? He's gonna do it? He's gonna do it? You know, when you make, don't you feel like when you make the choice to do mushrooms, like, you enter into a new chapter? A hundred percent.

Like, you know what I mean? Yes. You go like, I'm going to do mushrooms on Thursday. Like, that's when the trip starts. Because it's planned. And everything that you experience between then and when you're doing it is like, informs the trip. I swear, it's not, it's not woo-woo. I feel like that's healthy to plan the trip.

Plan the trip is nice. Put on some good music. Plan it. Get on the earth. Get in the water. which is why I love marijuana, but it's lost a little bit of its... Juadavi.

Yeah. Why? Because it's... I'll tell you why. Gummy bears. It's too... It's too... It's too...

It's too... It's too... It's too... It's too... ...here's the problem with weed. I smoked when I wrote that genocide joke. Very good joke. You cut it out.

Oh, really? Yeah. I think it's a great joke. My friend Tatiana helped me write it, so shout out to Tatiana. Anyway, I smoked weed, and it's just like... booze. I don't drink booze anymore, but like we were sitting on a log

in the woods. What is this? 1991. And we were like, we realized we didn't have anything to do and we were kind of like just looking for something different. Like, I feel stuck. Like every day's kind of been the same. And she had a vape. When I did

drink, the best drunks were always it's 11. You're at a brunch. You realize you don't have anything? You realize they don't have anything? Two Bloody Mary's becomes three. now you're just getting the bottle leave the bottle. Leave the bottle. I make it sad. You're pouring it

in your mouth in the bathroom. No, but those like when it's not planned. It's like booze and weed are actually kind of better when they're not planned. Psychedelics, I think you should plan. You need to plan. People are always like, I just threw a couple down my face and I had a bad trip. I'm like, no fucking shit. Yeah. You need to

bow down. Be officers? You need to have a little bit of a of a little bit of a roadmap of where you'd like to go. It's nice. The whole thing is the road. But it's nice to be free, but prepared is always good. That's also, that's also we're getting older, because when I was 17, 18, I was just like, we'll see. We also had less.

There was no responsibility whatsoever. You were like the internet in 1999. Like there was just less bad shit in there. Yeah. It was like some shit would pop up bad and you'd be like, whoa, what? Yeah. Now that's just, that's all it is. Sometimes I think about the amount of pornography, the average guy is saying, and I'm just like, I can't believe we're all just walking.

around with just archives of just fucking porn in your head. Too much. Yeah, but I think most people now are watching it less than ever. I feel like right now it's less, uh, in the traditional sense. I think people are getting it from other things. What do you mean? Video games? People are getting from like, uh,

only fans or TikTok or Twitter or I think it's just in other forms now because traditional like go to the website, click on the video. I don't think that's as, I think that's less of a thing now. I've gotten, I just see that straight up as a, as a, as a drug. It is a drug. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you're 26. How do you consume it?

I'm less than ever. Really? Waking up earlier. It's just, it's a fucks up my day. It fucks up your day. Telling you, I think it's less than ever. I think the no fappy boys are right on. Yeah, no fappy. No fappy. Because if you... It's too, it's too, it's too, it's too, it's too much. Yeah, that's what I mean. You're 26? Yeah. That really gives me hope. I'm like, we grew up looking for it in the woods. Had to go find it. Right? And then we got it online and we're like, holy shit, it's like being at the M&M store, but after dark, and I'm Kevin McAllister. And the wet bandins, they ain't coming.

She's me getting type... I'm coming. Type 3 diabetes. Type 3 is a hot... That's like a Netflix password of the diabetes jokes. But like when you grow up and it was always ubiquitous, I think it loses something and it loses some of that pull. I don't know, I'm not being funny, I don't know what Only Fans really is.

I think it's more like you subscribe to a person. Yeah. I like it. because you're paying a person and they're giving you a service. Right. Because I tried for the longest time to do a joke where I was like,

why are we okay with stealing porn? It's another, it's, I feel the same way about prison rape. I don't like saying the word rape. But I think that's a fucked up fucking nuts thing

that we do in this country. Yeah. This is, like, I know America has its problems, but for fuck's sake, we're America. We created cruel and unusual. stalking is a crime.

Like, that's sophisticated. Like, we know what we're doing. We make new laws. Like, I believe in that stuff. Like, I think it can be really powerful. And we go, enjoy your roommate, Bubba. You're going to be Bubba's wife.

You're making a sexual assault joke. Yeah. Don't drop the soap. Don't drop the soap. And I go, if you want it to be part of the sentence, have the judge decree, that's what a society is. How many assaults?

fucking own it. You seem to like it. You seem to love it, average guy, that the criminals are being assaulted. Then make it part of it. How many for embezzlement? How many for Grand Theft Auto? Then I'm like, how many

for sexual assault? Don't you see what the fuck is happening? You're going to assault the assaulters and then release them? It's not a life sentence for rape. I'm not trying to be... I don't like saying that word. I know it's a sensitive thing. I'm just saying it's not a life sentence.

So somebody sexually assaults somebody. You put them in prison. They're sexually assaulted the whole time. Then you release them. And say, hey, don't do that thing we didn't protect you from? And we all go, it's someone else. But here's, I used to do this on stage. It's not funny

at all. But I would go, who here has ever had two glasses of wine and gone for a drive? Everybody, right? We all have. There's a true story. A guy has two glasses of wine with lunch. He gets in his car drive home, he's teaboned by a blackout, real drunk dry road. This guy's really over the limit. Hits the guy who had two glasses of wine, sends the car into a construction site, kills a

construction worker. He goes to jail for 30 years for manslaughter because he had two glasses of wine in his system. Not enough food. He's over the limit just a little bit. Killed a guy. Wow. How many assaults for us? How many do we deserve? It's not criminals. It's not gang member or whatever, however you want to other prisoners, it's fucking you. So make your choice how many, how few protections we want to give

prisoners and just know that's the policy for fucking you. I feel very worked up about this. What was the other thing I was saying? Porn? Oh, I tried to take a frame of a fantastic Mr. Fox to make my daughter. We love that movie so much.

It's a great movie. One of the greatest movies ever. I just wanted to make nothing it is illegal, it turns out. I just wanted to make a picture book of Fantastic Mr. Fox. You know how you can go on like Snapfish, make a photo album? Sure. So I'm going to take screen grabs of Mr. Fox so I can make a kid's book

because it doesn't exist. It's like, I'm not selling it, it's just for my daughter. I go, you know, I go into preview, I'm dragging around the screen, it comes out gray. I can't take one frame of Fantastic Mr. Fox. It's built into the software. It won't

let you rip a frame of it. That's how serious we are about piracy. But I can, somebody uploads, it's a film, it's a film set. There was craft services on a porno. There was a sound guy. There was a, there were union reps, there were camera people, there was a script. I know it's sucking and fucking and that's why we don't care because we're so ashamed of our sexuality.

So we go, it's prison, it's them, it's other, we don't, we won't protect it. But like, if you had a porno where it was just, to a guy and a girl talking about how they're stepbrothers, so they're not really related. And then right before they kiss, it cuts to black. That's just a French art film. But as soon as Dick goes into Puss, the whole American government

who loves money, who loves commerce, what's more successful than pornography? We love winning. We'll allow corporations to break every rule as long as they're winning. Well, nothing's winning more than pornography, right? like it makes a lot of money. Oh yeah.

But it makes people who didn't make it money. It makes some fucking guy hiding in a bunker in Sweden billions of dollars literally off the backs of people that make these porns, right? And I'm saying that's fucked up. So OnlyFans

seems like a great solution. It does. Look them in the eye. Look them in the eye. Buy them dinner. Pay their rent. You fucking coward. You're going to pay, you're going to bankroll. some thief who's ripping this shit

consequence free. And so much of it is underage, so much of it is non-consensual, secret hidden camera fucking bullshit. Get off those things. I'm saying if you want to do porn, go to OnlyFans. I think that's a great solution.

Because it's creator-generated. It's creator. I'm a comedian. I'm playing the hand I dealt. I was dealt. I don't, I'm not, it's hard to talk about this without making it sound like porn people

are funny like big teeth. I'm not. I'm saying, they're playing the hand. They went this way in show business and it's show business. And they're being ripped. And like, I've tried to make it funny

but like you can't do it without putting them down. You're like you give Meryl Streep and Oscar, this woman, X, Y, Z, something crazy. Yeah. But like, joke aside, that's serious work, it's sex work.

It's serious work, yeah. It's fucking work. You ever see a porno and it jump cuts? Something happened. Yeah, what happened? Something went wrong. I don't mean, violence or weird. I just mean guy

lost his dick. Some. Yeah. It's a production. People worked. People were relieved when it was done. I don't mean because hopefully, I'm one of those people. I'm like, please enjoy it. I really hope you're enjoying it. I want everyone to be happy. But like, you know, you clocked

out. Maybe you didn't feel like it that day. You still showed up and you did your job. People are getting ripped left and right. But no politician wants to run on the policy of like these milfs have bills. You know, they don't, they can't do it. Because we're so, we're almost at a Japanese, I mean that. Like, Japan has such a dichotomy between their shadow and their everyday life.

We have it, too. We're still puritanical and so shamed. We are very puritanical. Meanwhile, billions and billions and billions of views. Who do you think's looking at this stuff? Who do you think's making this stuff? Americans. Right.

American people. You're next to them in the movies. You're next to them at Trader Jones. and you're ripping them off. They have families, they have kids, they have bills. They're just like you, but prisoners and porn stars. We just don't fucking care. God, I love you.

I mean, it's the most eloquent way to put that. I wish I could do it on stage. It's just not funny. No, but it's wonderful. It's a good podcast bit. It's a great bit. I appreciate it. And on that note, we got some good laughs.

We got some goofball shit, but silly, silly, silly, fun. Fun boy. Boy. Silly, silly, silly fun boy. It's probably the most appropriate title of anything you've ever put out. Val really like it. No, it's just the most appropriate thing you've ever put out in terms of your other titles have been clever and funny and you. This is just, this is, yes.

This is. This is Veal. Call it how I see it. Just name it. This is silly silly. And go watch it right now. I want all of our fans. It's free.

We're going to link it down below. And please go watch it. Please also pre-order the book. That will be linked below. Oh, spells to cast on your parents. Please go and go enjoy that. What I was going to say to your fans, books get lost in the shuffle. And this is a book that's very special to me.

So pre-orders make a difference. Yeah, pre-order it. So please don't wait for it. It's not out for a couple months, but please pre-order it because that stuff is, it helps the algorithm. I hate to like plead here. No, no, that's real. I love this book. So if you think, oh, that sounds like something I might get, please don't wait for it to come out.

Just pre-order. I don't think it's very expensive. It'll show up on your door. And if you're a childless loser like myself, you can all, you, you, You can order it for a friend. For your niece, his nephew, friends. Friends, you have friends. I know you have friends with kids.

People are making kids all the time. You can read it to your lover in a weird kink. I would read this to my wife, and that'd be funny. Cast spells on me. If you could make a video of that, that's worth 10 Gs for me. I'll give you 10 G's. Is it well, cast spells on your daddy? Is that what it is?

Spells to cast on your daddy. Yeah, okay. I can't tell you what the spells are. But you're going to want to stretch. Go pre-order it. Go watch a special. Go to Pete Holmes's website to go see him. live on tour, Pete Holmes.com.

Enjoy him, consume him. He's one of my favorite comedians and friends in the business. And pay for your porn. And please pay for your porn. Look into that camera, say one word or one phrase to end the episode whenever you're ready. One word or one phrase. You've done both. I think you've said a phrase before and you've also said one singular word on this show.

Wait, it can be a phrase? Pay for your porn. Perfect. In here, we pour whistle. Whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You were that creature in the ginger beard. Stirty and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse.

Ginger's a fugitive. You only $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Ginger's, oh hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers.