Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Rick Glassman & Alvin

Episode Date: September 5, 2025

Comedian/actor Rick Glassman (host of Take Your Shoes Off and co-star of As We See It and Not Dead Yet) sits down with Santino for a hyper-honest, wildly funny hang about bits vs. boundaries, why control can be comforting, and how TYSO became one of the most inventive comedy podcasts on YouTube. We get into writing reps, crowd-work instincts, and saying the quiet part out loud (on purpose). Clip it, share it, and tell us your favorite Glassman bit. 🍊 Follow Rick: • Instagram: @rickglassman • TYSO Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/shoesoffpod/ Follow Santino: Instagram: @cheetosantino TikTok: @cheetosantino #WhiskeyGinger #RickGlassman #TakeYourShoesOff #TYSO #AndrewSantino #ComedyPodcast #StandUpComedy ===================================================== Sponsor Whiskey Ginger: https://public.liveread.io/media-kit/whiskeyginger SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS SQUARESPACE GET 10% OFF YOUR ORDER https://squarespace.com/whiskey KIKOFF GET YOUR 1ST MONTH FOR $1 https://getkikoff.com/whiskey ===================================================== Follow Andrew Santino: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ https://twitter.com/CheetoSantino Follow Whiskey Ginger: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeygingerpodcast https://twitter.com/whiskeygingerpodcast Produced and edited by Joe Faria https://www.instagram.com/itsjoefaria Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What I wish you, Ginger fans. Welcome back to the show. It's your first time joining the show. Welcome to the show. What a great lineup of people we've got coming in for the next few weeks. Some great friends I'm having on the show. I'm very excited about all of them. Also excited to tell you that next week, next Friday, my special is going to be coming out. My special will be out on Hulu. September 12th, the day after America's holiday. Never forget. For those damn Italians. Yeah, September 12th on Hulu. Please watch my special White Noise. I would appreciate it. Also, I'm on. tour. I'm doing a bunch of dates. I'll be in San Francisco doing the punch. I'm working out some great new stuff. I'm excited. I'm doing Tempe Improv. I'm doing the Borgata out there in Jersey. I'm doing Hammond, Indiana over Thanksgiving weekend. And I'm doing more and more shows. I'm adding Vegas later in the year. And I'm also doing the hall at Hanover, Maryland, and I'm doing Valley

Center, which is down by San Diego. But go to Andrew Santino.com for those tickets. Andrewsantino.com. We pour whiskey, whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk. You're that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Ginger's a fugitive. You want me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Ginger's all hell now.

This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on Earth who say that for all my guess by a meeting once again today. It is Rick Glassman. And Alvin, say something, Al.

Hi, everybody. Good to be here. I'll be right back. Wow. I did not anticipate that. Oh, that's nice that you bring, Alvin, that's nice, because... Yeah, he's my host. He's a co-host. He's a co-host, but who's actually the real star? Look at, he knows. Who's actually the real star?

I meant on the road. I mean he hosts. He's a feature, though. You're a middle. He does 15 to 20, doesn't he? Well, he's got enough time. I've saw him do a couple of spots of the OR. Crushes. I'm not going to lie. Do you think it's because he's cute, though? See, this is where I don't like that you are bringing that the look thing into it, because we've talked about this before. His looks are, yeah, they help, but it doesn't help him write better jokes.

It just helps his overall persona. Yeah. I would argue that's everybody. Do you think Mark Wahlberg would be as successful as he is if he wasn't good looking? Yeah, I do. I do. I think now with his ability, but when he was starting out. I think that it's a total package.

Right. I think all these things add up. I mean, you can't just remove one thing and see what it's still worth. I don't know. I doubt it. Does Alvin do better because of the style and the look?

Look, I mean, I think the chain wallet thing is cool that he does that. I think that's a hip. I think it's hip. I think no cussing is huge. I think staying clean is what's big. Yeah. He wants that Bargazzi audience.

Yeah, he is a clean dog. He's a clean dog. And there's a lot of... There's a lot of dirty dogs out there. Yeah. In this business, I try to stay away. me about it. But they're around. Rick Glassman is here on the show. My old pal, Rick Lastman, we've known each other for a very, very, very, very, very long time. And his AC

is out, so pardon him if he's a little, you know. Hot? Hot. I was listening to Whiskey Ginger with Drew Lynch on the way over here. Oh yeah. And before him the way over here. Yeah. I like Drew. Yeah. Very honest about his life and his struggles, which I think people connected with a lot. If you didn't hear the episode, it's great. Slow down. He talks a lot about his pain. I always talk this fast, Rick. I know. Whiskey Ginger is the only

podcast. Not only do I not listen to on 1.5, I listen to it on 0.75. Just on your part. Slow it down. But I'm in the car on the way over here, and you guys are talking about how, like, you said that you

were at a restaurant in Ireland, and the Chinese food was bad, and you're like, I don't want to say anything. And Drew's like, could anyone say anything? And during that whole conversation, I'm thinking, what's so difficult about this? Yeah. And you're like, I'll tell you who, Glassman. And I'm like, but then the way you said it, you said it like, the way you guys framed

it was that, well, I would tell people exactly how I feel, but I don't know, I guess it's just hard being a human. I'm just worried too much about other people's feelings. I'm like, don't be a martyr, okay? Don't be a martyr. You could tell people how you're feeling. No, because you do it regardless of the way it's going to make them feel. we have this social tick that makes us insecure about that next that next reaction you don't have

that that's not true can we have this conversation yeah i consider how it makes other people feel and as i've gotten older i've gotten better at having instincts of understanding how it might make somebody feel although i'll never know but i don't take it i don't make it my responsibility to to i don't make their feelings my responsibility but i'll still consider them i'll i'll i'll i I want somebody to tell me, hey, Rick, slow down a little bit if they think I'm talking too fast. So I'm not going to be like,

maybe I shouldn't tell you that you're talking too fast because then you're going to think I'm doing a silly character voice. But that is on a podcast. But in real life, at a Chinese restaurant, I can't tell this woman. But why would you want? But that, agreed. But there's no reason to tell them that.

I wish you could, though. To go, the food's bad, and we're leaving. I'll tell you what you could do. How was every, ask me how well? How was the meal today? You're lovely, and we're having a lovely time here. I'll be honestly, we didn't love the food. Oh.

You just go like this. Bad posture. You're, I don't know, I didn't love the food. And then they'll go. They'll feel a little bad because that's the way they are, and that's not our fault. Right. They'd be like, oh, I'm so sorry. Please don't apologize.

If I could do it again, I would. We wanted to get out of the hotel. We wanted to try something new. I just like, I don't know. Maybe if there's something you know, maybe you let people know. If you have anything, it's to this, it's not enough this. Or? It was delicious.

You wasted a go bag and you throw in the garbage. God bless. And I don't think you're wrong for that. Yeah. This is how I did it. Ask me how the meal was. How was everything? You know what?

This is crazy. We're running late. We had an appointment that we made and we forgot. Can we get everything to go? You know what? Absolutely. You guys are a lovely couple. We're going to throw in an order of green beans for you on the house.

That's really nice of you. Wasteful. No, because a homeless guy ate it. So I give it to someone else. In fact, I'm getting more free food for the community. oh yeah well then why do you wish you could tell them it was bad just so they know it was bad I'm gonna get this bad food to a homeless guy we swip to the homeless person being like not the best of ever eaten he actually was like what is it's like Chinese food he's like all right

there's this culture of like people who assume that homeless people want anything yeah they don't want anything and then there's people that have dealt with the homeless and by dealt with I mean stepped over them no people you know you talk to homeless people you know you talk to homeless people. You do. I talk to people. Homeless or not. And by the way, if there's a homeless person that's creeping me out, I'm not going to be like, oh, come on over and sleep with me. I'm going to tell the truth. You're freaking me out. Your eyes are weird, and I don't know what's going on with you, but you're not my kind of homeless guy. You have a specific type of homeless guy that you like. We've talked about that. I'll have a conversation. I'll have a meal.

I'll do whatever if it's a homeless person that isn't scaring me. I don't talk to homeless. people. I won't even talk to people to have an apartment. If you don't own a home, I won't speak to you. That's new. That's new because of bad friends. New bit. I don't mean New bit. I'm not new. No, no. That's funny. You're running a new bit. No, new bit. I won't

talk to people unless they got a house. Forget an apartment. You got an apartment? There's sometimes I'll see somebody who looks like they're in need of something. They're just, you know, they're sitting on the floor. Needy. And I'm going into a restaurant or whatever. And I want to be

like, can I get you something? But I don't know if they want... I don't know if they want something. So I have multiple times walked past waiting for eye contact so we're like eye contact, but I'm going to be like, give me a sandwich or something.

Do you know? I do like to... I will gift often if they ask for... Hey man, can you get me... Get whatever you want. I'll get whatever you want. But I don't offer... What you said before is actually very true.

I do not instinctively go, hey, do you want something to eat? No, I wait for them to ask me because a lot of times I've actually been like you know they'll go oh you got any money no but do you want some food I'm going inside

and they go no I don't want any food so now I don't offer now if they say you have any money how'd you give them the Chinese food someone you were walking by and someone goes give me that and you go all right I didn't like it anyway

well it was in Ireland give me that give me the Chinese food I did not do you come out of the Chinese restaurant I said yeah and he goes great lovely give it and so I gave it

he was very polite I mean for Irish Irish people are very polite in that regard That's your heritage Or are you Scottish Yeah I'm Irish

Aren't you Yeah Irish and Italian Isn't that how Bobby Lee Isn't that what Bobby Lee says After he gets a genie's lamp Irish for More garlic green beans

Well they got him to go They gave me some extra You're in luck But that joke You know I also want to say Because when other friends of mine make racist jokes I do say that's not okay

That's not racist It's racial. It's a big difference. You're right. Racist jokes would be like... Just three minutes of bleep. That's literally what I was just about to say. Give me a good racist joke. Well, I got a good...

We get two jokes yesterday from that guy that were pretty good. One of them was... Why did the Mexican guy throw his wife off the cliff? Yeah, why did the Mexican guy throw his wife off the cliff? He's a murderer. He wanted tequila. Tequila.

Oh, that's more racial. It's racial. It's racial. racist. It's racial. They're not mutually exclusive, nor are they necessarily connected. That's exactly right. What was the other joke he had? It was really good. Something about a country. What country or continent? We had some good dad jokes on the run there. But you know what? A joke is racist. And when it's racist, we can tell. When it's racial, we know, we can feel it. The difference is like what you just did, the Bobby Lee joke, racial, not racist. All right? Give me an example of a racist joke. you know if this were my podcast and i had i had the comfort of the editing yeah um i know i don't really know any racist jokes i don't think i could think of a joke and then you could just say a bad word but i don't think i know any racist i know you you know a few yeah i do all

that stuff all the time richard kine told me a bunch of of uh he's so funny yeah he's the best he'll sit for hours tell you jokes he said um sit down comic no he stands he he he he was it the Jewish? He doesn't want to Jewish jokes. He said a Jewish son asked his Jewish father for a hundred dollars. And his father said, $50, what do you need $25

for? Yeah. That's an old racial Jew joke. He did this. This is actually a good one. I feel like the most racist thing about that was how you explain the joke. Right, with the accent? You had to. No. You're saying it was just an old racial Jew joke. It was a Jew joke. It's a Jew joke. It's a joke for Jews.

Don't. I want to have a sip of whiskey. Do you really? Yeah. You old dirty Jew. I do. Well, Jesus, duck, man. Well, you killed him.

Get a cup, if we can get a cup for my young lad. Did the Jews kill Jesus? Or did the Romans? I thought it was Pontius Pilate. Yep, yeah, it was. I don't want to get into that kind of stuff. I don't know. I'll give you one more, Richard Kind joke.

Here you go. He said, I'll give you a couple. This is a good one. He says, two, two. nuns are biking through the countryside and one turns to the other one and says feeling like his finger okay what's going on i was just it's i was making sure that it doesn't matter his fingers are in the cup those cups those cups can't be fresh he's not going to drink out of those that's not a fresh cup no he's not going to drink out of that wait the other one was

i probably drank out of it when a guest didn't drink it's okay you didn't know one drank out of this one this one's still clean okay really Yeah, look at it. Yeah, let's just do it. Let's just do it. And you want yours? Oh, that one's been sitting there. He doesn't want any. No, but give me some. I'll pour some for him. Well, that's the clean one.

Yeah, this is a clean one. Yeah, my fingers are on the outside. Well, if you're not going to have any. No, you should have a little sip. Last time I was here, I had a little sip. I liked it. Let me give you the joke. Let me give you the joke. Yeah, sorry about that. Two nuns. Huh? That's disgusting. Cut it out, will you?

Two nuns biking in the countryside. And then one turns the other one and says, I've never come this way. And the first one says, it's the. cobblestones. I was that a Jew joke. It's not. It was just a joke told by a Jew. Not a Jew joke.

I said, I'll give you a Jew. A very subtle difference. I'll give you a Jew joke. Yes. He told this one to me. Actually, you know what's so funny? This doesn't need to be a Jewish joke. He said it was, but it doesn't need to be.

A, uh, he said two old Jewish businessmen sitting in a bar downtown. And, uh, the one says, what do you do for a living? He said, well, no longer, uh... I'm sorry, start over? Two old Jewish businessmen sitting in a bar. From the beginning of the... Two old Jewish men sitting at a bar. And the one Jewish businessman says,

What do you do for a living? He says, well, I don't really work anymore. He says, why not? He said, well, I had a factory downtown. And I had it for 30 years, and I wanted to get out of it. I was a little tired of the business, and I tried to sell it, couldn't sell it. But by the grace of God, fortunately.

But unfortunately, a fire broke out, burnt the whole thing down. I collected an insurance check, and now I'm able to retire. He says, what about you? And the other one says, I have an oddly similar story. He said, I owned a factory downtown myself for about 30 years.

I love the business, but then I wanted to get out of it, try to get out of it, couldn't get out of it, tried to sell, couldn't sell it. Then by the grace of God, fortunately, but unfortunately, a hurricane came through, swept it away, I took an insurance check, and I was able to retire. And the first one says, how'd you make a hurricane? The cobblestone.

The cobblestone. These are kindy jokes. Yeah, I like that. How'd you get that? I like that. How'd you make a hurricane? I'm going to maybe start doing jokes. like that.

Yeah. Those are like a very Norm McDonaldy type of joke when he would do that. I love those. That's not a Norm MacDonald joke. No,

no, the rhythm of those kind of old-timey jokes that are very like... It's because it paints a picture. Yeah. I think what Norm does that he paints a picture.

That you paint a picture so that you can go, look, this is what I was painting. There's the punchline. Norm paints a picture and then you realize the joke was...

The picture. Yeah, the whole thing was funny. Yeah. Hey, yeah, I reckon. I love when he would do that. This mumble his way through something.

And Farley says yes. That's one of the best. I'd like to, sometimes I say, I make observations. Give it. And I've learned that the observations come across

as sometimes they're like, punchy. I made a punchy observation. Like, whoa. Slow down. Yeah. I have an observation. When I say punchy, I mean, if you could do punchy, from G to R, I would call this a PG punchy, so it's really nothing.

But here's the observation. When you said, I really like Norm MacDonald, like how he mumbled stuff like that, and he's really weird like that or whatever you said. No, like when he goes, yeah, yeah. It made me think about, like, how

if you were nervous on a date and you were talking comedy with somebody and you didn't know what to say, you'd be like, oh yeah, you know, I really like Norm McDonald's. You'd be like, yeah, I really, yeah, he was mumbly and he was really good. It's like, you know, it's like, Hey, man, we, we could just be quiet.

Yeah. Not on this show. I'm drunk. You're drunk already, dude. Slow down. Well, it hurts to eat. It hurts to drink. It's almost like if this were, if hurting to drink was from G to R, this would be an R.

R, root beer would be a PG. X is also there beyond R. Yeah, that's not an X. Or NC17. You didn't even have that in there. That's beyond R as well. Yeah. I don't know what would that be?

Fire. gee to act yeah fire yeah then that's it yeah but what's that time you had a drink when you were on this show maybe you don't try yeah you never drink i'm not sober i'm not anti-drinking i'm i am anti being around drunk people yeah you've always been that way i'm loud enough for both of us you're too close to me you're repeating stuff yeah i've also had conversations with friends uh and then they don't remember the conversations and i'm like well It's like playing Final Fantasy to gain levels and then the next, but you don't get to save. You don't get to save.

What did we do this for? You have to play the level over again, which ironically you do end up doing in video games. You do replay the levels again. Well, you rewatch movies if you enjoy it. Some. But role playing games, genuinely speaking, it's a linear path. But you don't replay. You could play it again.

But you don't want to. I do. But not in the same game. You know what I'm saying? Like, let's say we watch a moot. I watch the sopranos maybe once a year. Yeah, that's great. I'll re-watch it.

If we're watching it now and we were just watched a certain episode, and then tomorrow, we're like, let's watch the next one. You're like, we didn't watch this one yet. Oh, we have to re-watch, we just watch this. I just had this conversation. That's drunk conversations. Yeah. Did you like when they went to Italy? I thought, forgetting her name, but I thought that girl was beautiful.

She was. What is her fucking name? Why can I think of that girl's name? I don't know. I don't think you would know it if you heard it. I just rewatched Sopranos not too long. But I looked her up to see, like, you ever look up a, uh, uh, uh, a, uh, a, uh, uh, a, uh, somebody the answer is yes and see how beautiful are they still yeah i did it yesterday with i'm

watching for the first time the blacklist who and there's a girl james spader yeah yeah big boston legal fan by the way who isn't um canis bergnan william shatner love the shatner love the shat james spader good crew those three i'll watch i'll i'll watch network whenever you tell me so would you want to find out if william was still beautiful so there's a girl on blacklist who plays the uh who plays the Berlin who's played by the actor who, spoiler alert maybe, who in Armageddon,

the Russian. If you're a big lister, please tune out. Or at least put this back in, you know, one-time speed. She played Berlin's daughter and she follows David Sullivan. Good job, David. Well, Sully. Actors on actors. Sullivan's an actor? Oh, yeah. What's her name? You didn't find it, did you?

To say Berlin's daughter, Blacklist. beautiful bro and how is she now beautiful still stunning yeah I think she's 43 now perfect Zoe D. Antonio

oh Zoe D'Antonio could you show Andrew a picture of her say that's from the old country Sky Townsend that's the character Sky Townsend beautiful Zoe D'Anthony

I don't get crushes often but when I do I prefer Doseckis could you show her in the blacklist I do see that she is very pretty I like that she got a real big upper lip I love a good high lip Better than a good low lip

Wait, you're saying a big upper lip Is better than a big lower lip? Yeah He always like a big up lip Huh Up top, I kiss up top I kiss high She is stunning

You have very Eastern European But how does she look now Beautiful Stunning Yeah Single? Because Ricky's single I didn't look

I'm not in the I'm not in the place of like This girl's beautiful Let me date her I'm in the place of wow This girl's beautiful Let me fantasize about it Let me see if she's still beautiful

So I can could feel like, oh, people are still beautiful when they get older. Well, we are older. Yeah. How old are we now? I'm almost 30. Growing up? Mm-hmm.

I'll be 42 next month. Isn't that strange? We've known each other for how long? Since I was nine. You're an old guy. You can be 42. 42. Don't judge.

That was a look. I will do it. I feel it more than I've ever felt it, I think. Well, you got bad back. Bad neck. Bad cock. Good feet. Great feet.

Yes, I do have good feet. Thank you. No, you know what it really is? I think I feel it now physically. My physical is great. I went to PT this morning. I'm feeling phenomenal. I'm looking good.

My mental, though, I'm crying more often. I'm just getting real emotional about stuff. More often. Welcome to the game, my friend. Where have you been? Hiding. I'm out. Well, you know what?

Like in The Matrix? You're finally out. I've been crying about stuff that's insignificant. Easily overwhelmed or emotionally connected? It just hits me. Some things will hit me. better than they ever used to. Good cries as well?

Yeah, I guess so. Like a beautiful cry? Well, I had a cry yesterday in the car that made me laugh really hard. Like, we were both started cracking up. I was with my wife in the car, and we were driving back from Pasadena. We passed Forest Lawn. Cemetery. It is.

Sorry, I should clarify. Yeah, thank you. Is that why you were crying? No, no, no. She saw a woman having a picnic by a grave, and she said, God, how sad. And I said, I think it's really beautiful. I think it's really sweet.

I said, if you passed away, I'd come spend time with you, too. I'd go eat food by your... I mean, I just would talk to you all day. And I said, there was a woman on TikTok who I used to follow. A guy did this, too. Multiple accounts. They would clean graves. They would clean dirty graves.

I think this woman started because her husband was a veteran, and then she'd cleaned a bunch of dirty graves. And it made me start crying in the car. I was like, I think it's very pretty. I think it's beautiful. People do stuff like that. So I just started bawling because it just made me think about the, the, you know.

All the bad meals you've had. Yeah, Chinese in Chinese in Dublin. The finiteness of life is what it made me think about. But also, I did think it was kind of beautiful to eat lunch and just talk to a grave. I guarantee you they're speaking back. You're getting something in return. You guarantee it?

I guarantee it. Do you feel you lose credibility? You come on down to talk to your graves We'll get you a grave It'll talk back to you Use that code Whiskey Ginger 10% off

I do think that it's a beautiful It was just beautiful So it made me cry Thinking about how pretty that is That somebody cares enough To take time Just go sit and talk to somebody I don't know the relationship

It could have been his wife Could have been A stranger Just going to talk to people's graves Now am I going to go do that now I didn't think it's nice So made the old boy cry he doesn't like the moving in the chair

you move a lot he doesn't like it see big breath I love a big breath out of a dog it's almost the perfect comedic timing sometimes I'll be talking about my dog and I'll go well she doesn't want to go outside and she'll go it's unbelievable

Andy Cozell once said buttholes have the best comedic timing because a fart is always funny it's always funny that is true you ever have Andy on here no Do you think anybody listening to this is even aware of him? No.

Bummer, man, such a funny guy. Funny guy, friend of ours. Yeah. Friend of the family. Why would you not have a mind? It won't meet the advertiser standards? We don't talk. I don't really talk as much anymore.

Are you not friends with him anymore? I don't talk to him either, but if, you know, I've had them on my podcast before. You'll have anybody in your fucking podcast. I've been on there like six times. You've been on there for the 50th? Yeah. The 150th? Yeah.

The 250th? And I hope, hopefully the 350th. It'll be the 350th, every two years. Yeah. Yeah. But that works. Hey. I'll come over here in between.

You got so many better people on the show that you do. You don't need me on there. You get stars. You get future stars. Andrew, podcasting with you, Andrew, knowing I'm going to have an hour or more with you, gets me so excited. You got excited today.

Yeah. You getting emotional right now? Yeah, I do. Whenever I say sometimes, sometimes my eyes cry, but my body doesn't. I get that. I've done that. Yeah.

I wanted to get high. I love getting high when I'm around you. I just didn't today because I got stuff to do after this. But knowing I'm going to be able to, like, it feels like when I was a kid and every now and then

when I would ask somebody if they wanted to play over and they said no for two years. Then they finally, I asked my mom to talk to their mom. I don't know. My mom must have said, please, my son fucking needs this.

But then they would be like, here's my impression of a kid saying yes to me when I said, do you want to come over after school after two years? Yeah. And I'm like, great. And then you'd get a note. Do you remember this? You get a note so they could come on the bus.

Instead of getting on their bus, they would come on your bus. Did you guys have that? No, we didn't have that. Did you have notes? I didn't have that. Yeah, so like if they were going to come over after school, they would have to take my bus. Yeah, see, we were a lot to just jump on any bus.

Yeah, man. It was a wild west out there. You were a lot older than me. I think things changed. I shut up. Because there's a lot of stuff going on. Oh, you're only 30. I'll be 42 this year.

Yeah, and I knew all day, this kid's coming over on the bus. Big. He's going to come over. I'm going to ask him to wrestle. He's going to say he doesn't want to. But I'm going to know what means he does want to. He's just scared. I'll force him.

And then I'm just all day. I'm just like, oh, yeah. That's how it kind of feels like this. You're amped. Yeah, it's like I know I'm going to have an hour or two with somebody who's just going to play with me. Yeah. let me be me what's it what do your mom make when you guys got home what'd your mom make she stayed at home right she was maybe 30 grand a year she sold perfume oh that's not that much no but

my dad was the breadwinner good is he ever yeah um tell me what would she make for the boys my mom didn't make food never never my dad once i don't know what it was but he hid something in the oven and it was i'm not exaggerating i think it was it was like eight months or something because it was before thanksgiving and then she's like what is this in the oven you go I don't even remember when I put it in there. But I put it there just to test how long she wouldn't use it. You never had a childhood meal that your mother made all the time for you? No, I had Burger King all the time.

BK. Yeah, and Snappas. Why over McD's? The chicken sandwich. I like the burgeoning chicken sandwich. You eat red meat, but not that much. You're not like a big burger guy. I've gotten into burgers recently.

Really? Yeah, I don't eat fast food anymore, with the exception of, in-and-out burger. I'll eat Chick-fil-A, not often. But I love it. It is quite good. It's delicious. It is quite good. And then when I'm high, it's such a treat.

Taco Bell. No meat. I get bean burritos. Oh, they're so good. That red sauce. And I get chalupas with just beans. Bean and cheese? No cheese for me.

Don't eat cheese. But by the way, that's not like a bad meal. Like just beans and a tortilla is not bad. Buddy, I'm not saying that the people at Taco Bell are disgusting, because I don't know them all. Some of them. But I have to imagine there's fingers without gloves, there's cock and balls going in the beans.

No cock and balls. Taco Bell's been pretty adamant about that, no cock and balls. I can't say anything about Jack in the Box. Well, if you have to be adamant about no cock and balls, there must be a reason. Well, it happened a while ago. That's why we have seatbelts on airplanes now. Things happen, times change. Can't just be jerking off on an airplane the whole flight. Have you ever come on an airplane?

No. You know, I wish I could make up a story and say, yeah, but I never did. I've thought about it. On a flight back one time from Iceland, I was so horny. Did you at least go to the bathroom? What if I just go to the bathroom and jerk off? No. I just felt bad about it.

I've had sex on a plane, but never didn't come. What? Where? Bathroom? There was a fly. Oh. What? Where? Yeah, the bathroom. But the bathroom in a how long of a flight? London? No, I don't remember. It was domestic. I also once, I got a meatball sub from a place called Antonio's. Love.

I really like Antonios. It's in Sherman Oaks. Sherman Oaks, yeah, it's very good. I don't eat pork. There's only so many all-beef meatballs. This place is great. I get extra garlic. I had it the night before. I had a half of Meatball sub. I had an early morning flight. Didn't want to waste this thing. One, great sandwich.

Two, don't love waste and meat. Yeah. Brought it on the plane, very early flight. I'm making this number up, but let's say 8 o'clock. It sounded like an 8.15. There was an 8.15 out that day. How long is this thing going to be good? I don't have a cooler.

So I had to eat it at some point. Maybe now it's 9.30, 10 a.m. And it was garlicy, so it was probably so stinky. So I went into the bathroom. The seat was closed, but I still put toilet paper on the top. of the seat. I put toilet paper on my lap and it just right there, in the mirror right in

front of me, just eating this meatball sub. And I was thinking, I used to fucking places like this. How good it was a meatball sub, though? Man, love a meatball sub. You don't eat pork. No. I'd like to not. Stop. Bacon's good. Bacon's good.

That was very Irish the way you said that. Bacon. Have you had bacon in the morning? Dude, your voices are great. The cracker bacon is It's unbeatable. Crack of bacon. It'll do it. It's a great meat, isn't it? It's a great meat, bacon.

Have you had it? It would have been so great if you just came, when you moved here, you just committed to an Irish thing for so long. I moved to L.A. Yeah, and then you do acting roles as an American. People like, you do a great American accent. Signing up for the open mic.

I've got an audition to later day. Don't tell me to slate and everything. I've got, I've got to go. Now I'm going to an audition. Hi, I'm Andrew Santino. I changed my name. I'm changing. to Santino. That way they'll think I'm not Irish.

What is Santino? Italiano. Yeah, right? It's Italian. So are you Italian? I'm both. When two people love each other very much, and they come from different parts of the world, they fuck, they make a baby boy. Maybe it's a boy, maybe it's a girl. This time it was a boy with red hair. Take a little sip. There. It's so hard to drink. It feels bad. It feels bad. Yeah, don't drink. You don't have to. Yeah, my dad is Sicilian, my mother is Irish, and I was made.

We can't all be little Jewish princes, okay? That's just you, my little Jewish prince. Come on. And shout out to Ricky's mom and dad. Two of the greatest people to ever roam the earth. Lovely people, intelligent, sweet, and your dad. I was supposed to do bad friends today. Yeah.

Might be doing it soon. You are doing it next week. But I told my, because my dad's in town, and I said, hey, I'd like you to come. toward the end of... Wait, he's here? He's here now. I didn't know. Yeah, I was saying I wanted him to come to bad friends. Yeah, he's got to come. I don't know if he's not

going to be here next week. But, so we're having lunch, I'm like, you come on, we're doing Andrews. He goes, nah. No, no, no, no, you didn't say it like that. But I said, why not? Well, also plans changed. It wasn't really that. Sure. But he goes, well, I had something planned. I'm like, well, can't you do on Andrews? I go, no, I need to say something to Andrew. I need to say something to Bobby.

I get it. No, he does have a bit. Damn. Make him stick around. I think we're going to do next Tuesday, right? Isn't what we doing that? Yeah, he's leaving by then. Fuck. But I asked him what to say. I'm not going to say it in case he comes on at some point. I'm like, oh, yeah, you do need both of them.

Yeah, you need to. What's he in town, just as ahead of the sun? They're moving here. That's right. You said that. I forgot. They're moving to Southern California. Yeah, and they're hanging out with my nephew, too.

Where's your mom? They're both here. Oh, she's here, too. They're both here. Oh, you made it sound like he was here alone on a boys trip. Well, no, I was thinking, like, you know, I guess my mom could come here, too. George Thorough good. And your mom, where are you guys going?

See you later, ma. Your parents are the sweetest people, man. I'm happy that they're moving here to be closer to you. I sometimes feel like if, because I get a lot of hate online for being gay and whatever else I am. You're not gay. I think I'm bisexual, but I'm too scared to fuck a guy You're not bisexual I think I might

You're not gay No son of mine is gonna be gay I'm not attracted to me like I know I know I don't want to Have you ever watched gay porn to see if you turned you on? No I have No

And it grossed me out I don't need to watch it to know it does It grosses me out seeing guys kiss and stuff But I have a hard time watching porn that doesn't have a penis in it Dude, it's so funny to say it grosses me out to see those guys. Well, it grosses me out to see a lot of things. Yeah, but two guys kissing. I don't know, man.

Two guys kissing. I don't know if grossing me out is right, but I'm not like, when I'm like looking, I'm like, no, no. Just I don't want to see that. I see two guys kiss, I think. Take away their rights. That's how I feel. That's not okay. No, that's racial.

But, like, I really, I do really want to have penis in my mind. my porn. I don't really need it. I couldn't care less. Although I'm trying, I'm on the Bobby thing. I'm trying no porn for a while. It's actually been good. Oh, I've done it. I got no problem with that. No, but I'm trying to just get all the way out. I'm trying to get all the way out. It's a little hard. I do go back. No, no, no masturbation? No, jerking off, but no porn. When you're masturbating, what do you, like you call a friend? Yeah, I call buddy. You might get a call if you're lucky. Your name's not lucky, is it? I'm sorry, we're afraid

Keep that ringer on Yeah No, I know I'll get a little fantasy thing Like late in the afternoon sometimes Who do you picture? Like what girls do you picture? Girls

Sorry women Thank you What's the first thing I think of? I think of it's usually a scene Or like the like I I went to go see The Honey Don't And Margaret Qualley

And she had a sex scene with Aubrey Plaza They have like four in that fucking movie And I Margaret Qualley's really pretty Yeah and it burned into my brain and that one I took home with me. That one I took to go, I had to go, box this up, I got to go. I had to go take that back to the house. Did you like some green beans with that? Well, there's no homeless people out where my mom lives, so it wouldn't work.

It was just because you said box it up. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It was a reference to them being lesbians, box it up. That's what it was. And green beans was a reference of a jealous penis, a little green bean. You, gotcha. We'll be right back. Uncle Bob, what you have for lunch? Boom, Shakalaka! Hey, Rick. Where are you going to be on tour? Hi, Grand Rapids, Michigan. What'd you have for lunch? Is it the shoes?

I had Chick-fil-A. Nice. Then I'm headed to Dana Beach, Florida. He's on fire. Then I'm going to be in North Charleston, South Carolina, and I got a surprise for you in a minute. But first, let me make a stop over to the home of the movie of Four Brothers, Detroit, Michigan. But while we're talking about Chick-fil-A, guess where I'm going to be next? Atlanta. That's right, Atlanta, Georgia, followed by not Raleigh, Raleigh, North Carolina.

Boom, Shakalaka. Then I'm going to be in Canada. to be exact. Toronto, Ontario, and then a quick drive on over to Buffalo. The home of? The anchor bar. Buffalo links. That's right.

Then I'm going to be in New York. Or should I say Brooklyn over here? And you could bet on the next place I'm going to be. That's right. Las Vegas. I'll tell you what. You take care of the two drink minimum. I'll take care of the buckets.

Go to punchup. Live slash Rick Glassman for tickets. That was embarrassing. Leave it in. Let him see that I'm not perfect. Boom! This episode of Whiskey Jr. is brought you by Squarespace. I've talked about Squarespace so very much because I do love them very, very much.

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It's the place. Go to Squarespace.com slash whiskey. Save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Use that code Whiskey. Squarespace.com slash whiskey. In here we pour whiskey. Ginger's listen up. Today's show is brought to you by Schedule 35 and let me tell you something.

this stuff has been a life changer for me. I started microdosing a little while back and I was skeptical at first. I thought, oh, great, Santino's about to become the guy who talks to plants in his apartment. But it's not like that. This isn't about tripping balls or seeing a leprechaun in the corner.

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if I can help it. And also that Ricky's on the loose tour does look good. It was cool that you threw up those dates. Yeah, Ricky's on the loose is, he's moving around the country as freely as he can. Alvin will be coming along for some of the dates. We'll not make an appearance on a lot of the stages. Depends on the stage is worth it. He's got a crazy rider this guy. He has been coming

on stage with me sometimes because he's in the green room. And when the green room, when I go from the Green Room to stage, whenever I open the door to leave, he'll come out. And people people chant my name I didn't even know how I haven't even done it that much

but I would maybe it's because of a clip or something but I would have people chant Rick Rick Rick so I could do the robot so now people just chant it a lot so when Alvin comes out crowds start chanting Alvin

and Alvin Oh he knows he I don't know but he's not afraid of it but when they start chanding his name he kind of his posture changes and he kind of walks out You're a star? I don't want to pet you

I know you're too chill I'm sorry Are you a star? We were talking about something. You're talking about masturbating to the daughter from the girl from Groundhog's Day. Andy McDowell. Very good reference. Also, Hudson Hawk. Huh?

Hudson Hawk. Who was her dad? Nepotism's finest. How come more parents didn't do anything? I remember what I was going to say. To help us get better in the business. My parents, if it weren't for them, I probably wouldn't even be here. I was thinking that if I had my parents on more podcasts,

with me I think people would be like oh I'm okay with him no I think you're as affable as you've ever been I think seeing my mom and my dad who I am like equal parts of them they're like oh like that's my mom's likable like the my likable parts my mom my like a part my dad then there's a lot of unlikable parts that I got from my uncle Bob it's so true that joke is so true it's not true at all you hate Uncle Bob we love Uncle Bob no we love Uncle Bob no we love Uncle Bob no we love We actually do like Uncle Bob a lot. Your third appearance, episode 250,

on my podcast was... We called. The whole episode is about finding out my Uncle Bob does. And we still don't know. We still don't know. I do... I want to comment something. This watch I saw when you got out of the car,

and I like to look of it a lot. And can I say something about this watch? It looks like a watch you would have. My dad got it for his bar mitzvah. It's a big compliment. I mean this. Like, some watches don't look like they look like the owner. Like they go with the owner.

that's watch looks like your watch I hear you I'm not a watch guy I like this watch Yeah you should It feels like this is a watch I would wear May I see it?

It's a very pretty watch Do you speak French? We? Is that what you said? Way. One of my favorite scenes Can you name the movie When this and this

I don't have any money But I have a Casio No Unless it's UHF God I give you another clue Uh

Looking it up, typing too many letters for it to not be looking it up. Yeah, he is absolutely looking at it out. Well, I'm trying to give you a more obscure quote. And I know this movie? You definitely know this movie. It's a fantastic movie. Fantastic Four. You got it.

You gave me a hint. No, it's a movie that moves around a lot. Oh, airplane. No? Plains trains and automobile. Yes. Three. Got it on the third.

I don't remember that movie, and I've been meaning to rewatch. One of the best movies, I think. My mom and I used to watch that. that one in big would watch pretty religiously together because it was it's it's one of john candies i think like greatest uh character arc achievements in all of his films because he goes from this like annoying but also so sweet and lovable um i always blessed before i give it back a so sweet and lovable character to someone who you really learn where his pain comes from and how he was hiding it and why he was

riding it and it was such an honest exploration of a character i'd never seen that before in film as a kid i remember like really feeling a lot of different things for him and it was unbelievable how good he was at doing that in such a short amount of time you go from like this guy's the fucking worst to like oh this guy's troubled and hurts he's got some stuff like christian bail in the batman movies exactly the same it's almost identical i don't talk about something else sorry you hate that kind of stuff well no i i just you know let's talk about let's talk about let's talk to each other. Let's talk to each other about something. Well, let's analyze you.

Another good movie. Such a good movie. Great movie. Have you watched it in the past few years? Nah, been a long time. Really holds up. I happen to see it on A. I'll give you a hint. Blue Ray. Something that travels around a lot. DVD. No

it was my second guess for the Cassio movie Airplane I saw it on an airplane Shot on a seatback I said that the other day to my wife I'm made for... Doesn't that sound like almost racist for a Mexican A seatback? Yeah

Look at this fuck, look at the group of seatbacks over there Hey seatbacks Keep it moving I a lot of times now I get the front row First row gross I don't Bulkhead

I don't like a bulkhead I used to think bulkheads were bad because I had a name And bulkhead doesn't sound like on look at this bulkhead. It's like, you know, stay away. That sounds racist. But that's almost as if it's like, I picture that like on a bus when like there's, you're above the tire or something and your seats. This is just, you have more leg room. Now, the bulkhead usually runs out for me.

It's to that, that wall is pretty invasive. I don't like how close that wall is. You think the wall is closer than the seat in front of you? It's probably equidistant. The problem with the wall is my feet can't go through it. I like to tuck my feet under the seat. You could extend your leg? Mm-hmm.

Bullshit. I went to PT. this morning. No, I don't mean you can extend your leg fully. I meant you could get under a seat and extend it? Yeah. No, I don't believe that. I do it all the time. Send me a picture next time you... I will. I'm going to travel on next Wednesday. I'll send it to you when I'm headed to Chicago.

Okay, send me the picture, and we'll maybe put it in here. Okay, done. This episode will be up by then, but yeah, okay, done. When does this come out next week? This week? This comes out this week? Oh, well, you've got to check me out in North Charleston, South Carolina, this Thursday, Friday. This Thursday, Friday, Saturday. If you're going to be around... Be in Detroit, Michigan.

at the end of the month. Detroit and Charleston, go see my boy. Atlanta, Raleigh, Brooklyn, New York, New York. What are you doing in Brooklyn? Some other ones. Doing the Bell House, and I'm doing Brooklyn, November 1st, and October 30th, I'm going to do Gotham, I think. Gotham Comedy Club.

Bueno, bueno, no. That means good, good. Taking a little Spanish in my downtime. Are you? No, you know, I tried to take another language. It was impossible for me to care about doing it. I didn't give a shit. The guy talking, I couldn't fucking, couldn't care less.

It's just, yep, yep, yep, and I didn't like it. I really did try. You know how I could actually do something like that? I could go back to, I could take a college class at UCLA. I've been thinking about taking college class. Because I could actually listen to those. Because I like a human, I like, I'm a visual learner. Do you want to go to college with me?

I would 100% love to go. I want, there's certain things I want to learn, and it's all history stuff. But I want to take some history classes. I would love to take a history class. Well, I guess, I mean, I hate, I hate to say this, because it's like, we don't need to do this. But if we do this together, please come along and let's... We should film it.

We could make a movie and call it back to school. Well, you've got to be a little bit fatter. Okay. And you're not going to beat me at the diving competition. I've got to tell you. Oh, they made a movie right. Hey, kid. Hey, I put a hop tub in your dorm room.

I was great with voices. When you said, hey, kid, I thought you were locked in. And then you're like... I stumbled my way through it. you elucinated on that one. Rodney's hard. Rodney is hard because it's so cartoony that you're like it's... Did I ever tell you the story of when I did a futile and stupid gesture? Um, which, uh, it's a David Wayne movie about the origins of the National Lampoon and I played Harold Ramos and there's a scene where I'm playing

Harold Ramos directing Caddyshack. Joel McHale plays Chevy Chase. Yeah. And it was very cool. Um, uh, and they redid it. The, I have a side-by-side picture. Like the costumes, it was all authentic. It looked very... Everyone who was was playing somebody as an actor and has acted before with the exception of Rodney Dangerfield was played by a Rodney Dangerfield impersonator who never acted before. But he was fucking, I mean, he was great. He didn't know what was going on. And maybe I'm, if you're watching this guy, maybe I don't remember stuff. I'm just remember this one thing. But I'm playing the director and he treated me like a director. And he kept asking me questions. And it's like in

between scenes. That's great. He stayed in character. he thought I was the director that's even better it was great it was good for him but there was a moment where David Wayne comes to me and says just keep going like whispers to me keep going uh you're directing this

or do whatever like call cut do this stuff give direction blah blah blah and there was a scene where I call cut um in character and he comes over to me and starts talking to me in his regular voice and I go

no I don't know if one was so then David comes over and says it's okay the whole crew cut they thought you were being serious da da da da da and then we did it again and then he did it again and and I'm like I was caught in this position where I'm like I don't know what I'm supposed to do to tell you this because I thought it'd be really funny anyway you ever start a story don't know where it's gone I know exactly where it's going I just thought it would have like like like I thought like dude I remember this this was so funny and as I'm going like what's the funny beats Like, what am I going to not finish the story?

Finish. Well, that's it. It was just really funny. I was ending up directing this guy. But he was great Roddy Dangerfield guy. Irv Doll. Ervdahl. Shout out to Irvdahl.

And he had, he has, he had to have two hours of material. Of all Rodney's stuff. Because for days, he would just be doing it. Wow. And you would ask him, because also there's a lot of downtime. You'd ask him, you're like, I thought you kid. And he was just doing him. just like it was wild he just had it all memorized well rodney didn't act either so that was

kind of appropriate like he like got into it with that movie they had said he had no fucking idea what to do with catach yeah because he was told have you ever seen that behind the scenes of catashack oh my god it's like one of my favorite documentaries but they talk that one of my favorite scenes i don't know if you did this in stupid and futile but um on day one ramus told the story himself that like they he's like okay we're going to be we're going to be over here and let's get this all set up and the DP was like what are you talking about?

And he's like, what do you mean? We're shooting right here and this is, I want this right here. And he goes, okay. So you want me to flip everything? Because we're shooting right there and he turns around and everything is set up to shoot

in the complete other direction. So this is a Harold issue. And Harold goes, yeah, yeah, that's fine. That'll do. Because he said he had no idea what the fuck he was doing. Oh, this was Harold's first movie. No, no, no, no, no.

He said he was so confused over what they were doing. Got it. Because this thing was such a fucking disaster that he was like... I don't remember anymore. Was it his first movie? I don't know if it was his first movie. He can look it up. It was. Yeah, maybe it was. Okay, it was. That makes more sense then. But he didn't say that saying like he was, you know, the way he regaled the story wasn't like I was, didn't know what I was doing. He just thought, well, because everything was chaos. He's like, the crew was up every fucking night, even in pre-production, blacking out, doing drugs. Like, people showed up, you know, people just leave set. He's like, it was a nightmare.

I don't remember. I learned a lot about the story of that. That sounds somewhat familiar. I think I forgot everything. But he told that story on that documentary. The first day, they were like, we're shooting this way. And the DP was like, why? We're look here. And he turned around and was like, yes, this is perfect. I like this is perfect. I like this. And he goes, I had to just keep selling it from this way because I thought, well, this guy must know what he's fucking doing. I mean... I'm just thinking about right now how like, oh, yeah, right. Maybe this is familiar. Did I know that? And like, how much I forget stuff. I'm like, I'm going to go back to school. Let's go back to school. And I'm going to just forget all that stuff. No, but we'll know it for the next two weeks, and we'll talk about it on a pod, then we'll forget about it. I really amped down to go take a class with you

because I think it's a great idea. Well, I was going to do like an online course. No, no, no. I want to go. Because it'll make us accountable. UCLA? Yeah, it's the closest. We could get in, right?

I mean, I have good... Well, I don't know. Let me see your transcript. I got really good... I did really well in college. Yeah, you don't have to get in. You know that, right? You can just pay for a class.

you're allowed to just take a class. I didn't know that. Yeah, you can just take a class. You can sign up and just take one. Anybody could just take a class? Well, if it's a private university, you can. If it's a public university, you can. And as a California resident, it'll probably be pretty cheap, right?

Yeah, a couple hundred bucks per class. And then do we get credits if I want to be, like, get another? I think you're not eligible for credits, right? Because you're not, you're... I have a bachelor's, but you could get credits... Towards a master's? If it's a class that is slotted for a master's, right? But if it's just like an intro level class, it won't be, you wouldn't be eligible.

Why don't we take one intro level class, maybe two? Yeah. If we could schedule them back to back. And we could, you know what else we could do? We could wear backpacks, carry a skateboard, maybe a hat with a little propeller on it. I'll get a beanie. To fit in. And I'll get a hacky sack.

I'll bring a frisbee. Get some devil sticks. We'll smoke a bong in the quad. Yes. Yeah. Wait, I think college is probably different now. No chance. It's got to be the same.

What's up, nerds? No, I think what we need to do is... We'll go check out some babes. Here's what we'll do. Yeah? We'll get tits and we'll hate Jews. Good college. You mean we're going to good college?

That'll be... That's an educated. That's a Harvard. Yeah, UCLA, I don't think you have to do that there. I think you get like Jews at UCLA. I don't think so. I think so. Not anywhere, according to some of these colleges.

There's too many film programs there. USC, you could like Jews. USC you have to. Required. Right. UCLA, you can hide it a little bit. So you're telling me anybody can. get into USC, but what about the girl

from full house that paid to have her daughter go there? Well, that was illegal, what they did. Because they're not Jewish. Correct. Interesting. If they were Jewish, they would have got in and flying. So she could have done that at UCLA? Easily. She should have. Talk about a miscalculation.

Just talking. Just jazzing it up with you. Yeah, I'm going to take a class of you. I do think in person, because I've said that to my wife before, she was like, we'll take a class. And I said, but I want to do it in person because it's, you're held accountable. You have to go at 6.30 for a nightclub. You can't do the thing. We're like, I'll log on. And it's, we can. We probably will for most of them. Let's be real. I'm not going I want to go. I'm serious. I think it's important to go to that thing. We make so many schedules

to do these pods, to go to show, to fucking travel to, to go to other places to do work. Why isn't, why wouldn't that be as important? I think we can do it. I do too. And the reason I really, I'm being genuine about this is because the thing I missed the most, living in Los Angeles, is being able to, like, get together with people that I care about. I'm talking about this for years. Well, this is an opportunity. You and I can make a plan. We'll go get something to eat after.

We'll go to class together. It'll be important to us. Yeah. Maybe we could, like, maybe we'll go to, like, a jazz club or something after. Maybe. I mean, I don't know. You know, we could. We could.

Like, what a college kid? Go get a pint. All right? You thought you're not drinking. I will with you. Ugh. What are people who, like, when someone burps or fars to go, Oh! What life do you live? That's crazy. Oh, I'm eating. I'm eating.

A guy, I think, I could have misinterpreted this, but I'm sitting on the flight next to a guy and I'm on my computer. I'm just writing a bunch of bullshit down. I'm journaling, which I'm doing again. Not just jokes, which is kind of nice to just get my feelings out. And I'm journaling, I'm journaling. And I smell a fart. I don't hear it. I smell a fart. And it's this. which everybody does the look around and then he turns to me and he gives me one of these it was him it was so it was like such an honest

like what are you gonna do I farted what are you gonna do about when I'm in a room and I kind of liked it I kind of went like yeah not bad

that's fine I mean the smell of fart is gross I understand that but it's not but I don't like this if I went like this I grossed out

and he pretended like he didn't fart just stared down at least he looked up and went whenever I fart in a public place for the next

30 seconds I go like this I raise my hand I do and also and I said this on a podcast recently if I'm

out with people and one of my I know that one of my friends farted or something and there's there's either business people

or girls around what's the difference I go like this oh by the way everybody I just want you to know I just farted you do it for them

and then if the friend goes Rick I appreciate that but I farted I go ladies business people he does this all you're you're a gentleman you're a great actor or a great fuck i'll tell you this you didn't fart i did and then i end up taking the two business people home and sucking getting sucked off by him the uh my brother the reason i want to go to college

you are gay um is because my brother my brother is still in college no but he is a great professor yeah he's still in college So technically he's still in college. I guess. He's in a college. He's not a really professor. I know, it does. Funny.

Well. But he was talking to me about, like, different things about the Aztecs and stuff. And like... Ooh, I don't want to... Well, this is interesting. Be careful, dude. Listen to this. Because my dad was a Mayan.

Well, he's still yours. What's interesting about this is the Aztec people, when I picture an Aztecian, a raw, like, before the Spaniards came over and fucked him into the Mexicans. That's what happened. That is what literally what happened. That is what happened. happened. I'm like, I'm just picturing what they look like. I'm picturing, I think, like, maybe a cartoon I've seen once, just really stocky and short and big noses or something. I don't know. I don't know what they look like. And that's fine. It's what they look like.

But like, the color of their skin is very close to what, like, Native American skin looks like. And like, back then, this was pre-Louisiana purchase college. You know, you have, you have Southern California Native Americans and Northern Mexico Native Americans. And Northern Mexico, Native Americans. It's got to be very similar, right? Oh, yeah. The difference is the Spanish, Christopher Columbus, a lot of people don't know this. Christopher Columbus came over with a Spanish. Did you know this? Yeah. They first went to the, uh, they went to the Aztecs people and they fucked them all. And now they're all hybrid Spanish Aztecs. That's what Mexicans are. Yes. Cancel me if you want to, but this is college. Yeah, this is college. So the Spanish, you have Spanish. You have Spanish.

You have Aztecs, right? And then now you have this. They're still Spanish. We know what the Spanish look like, Antonio Banderas, pet detective. We have the Mexicans. We know what they look like, Cheech and Chong, pet detective. Okay? But what are the Aztec pet detectives look like?

I think the closest thing we know are the Native Americans, which we know what they look like. Don't ask me how. How? That means hello in Cherokee. I got it. It was very good. it's not just Cherokee

Cherokee is how it means in Cherokee it's not the only one yes how could that be first base little short stocky big noses I did love the description

I think I saw a picture of them once building pyramids or something and that's what they look like yeah they did they didn't build them they had the Jews build them I think you're thinking of the Egyptians Ah, fuck. Yeah. Will you look up, did the Aztec, were they short-stalking with ignoses, and did they build pyramids?

Google it just like that. Do not deviate from that. I think you can Google anything, and something will be like, yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah, you'll find a way for it to give it reason. Am I dying? Reddish, brown to dark brown skin, dark eyes, and straight black hair. They had shorter stature than Europeans with men around 5, 3 to 5, 4, and women about 5 foot. Their appearance has often been characterized by distinct clothing, elaborate hairstyles, body piercing, and face paint, which varied based on social status and occasion.

But about their noses? Nothing about noses. You know what? If the Jews built the pyramids, maybe they were the big noses. Well, they could have been. But, yeah, so my first... The Sphinx did have a big face, big nose on the Sphinx. Well, we don't nose that because technically, if you look at it now...

The nose is gone. That's right. Yeah, but we have photographs of... Oh, somebody took a picture? I believe it. Meso-American people, Aztec, had noses with a prominent bridge known as Aquiline or Roman nose. Oh, Romano's shape.

Rome-Nose. Rome-Nose. You Rome-Nose, cock. A little Rome-Nose. Doesn't that sound like an insult Rome-Nose? Fucking Rome-Nose. What do you? You got a couple seatbacks

you've been hanging out with over there? Yeah, if you say a one-syllable word and then a body part, it sounds insulting. Try me. Uh, you fucking shelf-knee. I bleep that. You said that on purpose, but try, like, make one up. bleep that one though i shouldn't say that i'm sorry about that for that's i am a little embarrassed about

saying that on the camera uh what what do you do about it do uh what are you gonna do about it lamp legs okay yeah blue chin i'm sorry you want me to leave that in the episode that's not i'm not uh i don't like that stuff dude green bean rick Hey, they want to tell you about Kickoff. Let's kick it off. That's K-I-K-K-off. Kick-off is incredible because if you are someone like me who came out of college or came out of my teens into my 20s in a little bit of debt, a little bit of debt, a little bit of debit debt, had some debt. It was kind of tough, and my credit was terrible. I had a bad credit score. How do you build credit? People want to know. And what can they do? And Kick-Off Basic is here to help you. The most popular plan they have is five bucks a month. You got five bucks a month. I know you do. And the three factors that determine your credit, our new account immediately diversifies your credit mix. Each on-time monthly kickoff payment builds payment history. And because your monthly payments are so small, your credit utilization or the amount of credit you're using gets healthier, much faster.

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Offer's subject to new kickoff customers first month only subject to approval. Offer subject to change average first year credit score impact of 84 plus points. Vantage score 3.0 between January 223 and January 24 for kickoff credit account users who started the score below 600 who paid on time and who had no delinquencies or collections added to their credit profile during the period. payments and a negatively impact your credit score. Individual results may vary. Dude, if that girl from Blacklist in 2013... What are you, a lightneck? Sorry.

Blacklist came out when Undatable came out on the same network. Indatable, NBC, one of its finest shows. One of its finest shows. When that show came on, if I knew about this girl, I probably would have tweeted at her. You'd have reached. Hey, we're on the same network. Do you want to come over and... Podcast? I could have started podcasting sooner. Back then. But you're flying for you, you don't want to be in a relationship, do you?

Oh my God, dude, I want to get married yesterday. I want to start a fucking family. I want to have a kid. But if I can't, that's okay. That's okay. But I want to, and I want to, I want to make the money I'm making. I don't want to just use it for DoorDash. You want to use it for other people?

I want to go, I want to, I want to use, you know, Instacart. I want to be able, here's what I want. I want Amazon Prime. I want to be married. I want to be married. I want a partner. And I'd like to marry my partner, but I want a partner. And I want a partner whom is somebody who, and this is going to sound like, of course, but like, brings out something in me that is valuable. I want to feel valuable to them by doing the same.

Yeah. I want to help them. I want them to help me. I want them to think I'm so funny. I want to, I've only dated people that made me laugh. I've only dated people who I'm attracted to. it's very hard to find those two things to be able to make you laugh and that you're attracted to

physically and all the other things that matter I'm that's fine but if I did dude and then and then we would then I would like then like what if they had a great job and they were making money and stuff would be like awesome let's let's go

to Rome tonight and let's say they're not then we'll be like that's okay we'll go to Rome in a couple months that's fine too But then, like, what if, then what if they want to be a mom and they want to, like, be at home and take care of that? That would be amazing. Let me make some money and let the three of us go to, or the four of us, go to Rome in a few months. Let's say they're like, hey, listen, I got this, that.

I'm like, listen, that's fine. We'll figure it out. We have enough money. We could get an au pair or an apple if you're making jokes about fruit. And then it's like, it doesn't matter. And then, like, my parents are close. They can help. tribe

Aztecs Rome knows Are you going to get to Rome In this story Eventually I'd like you to get to Rome Well when in Rome I would like to be married Tell me about it

I am so excited To be in a loving Healthy kind Kind You want to be in love The kids ready to be in love Man You've been in love a few times before

It's coming back to you I've been in love Four times If you know what I mean I don't know what you I don't know what you mean and uh four girls four girls have come and gone women have come and gone sometimes i'll say girls and then people in the comments like oh you mean women i'm like yeah i guess

it is a girl yeah no you you wouldn't say you wouldn't say boy i go i say guy well guy's not the same as boy okay it's close i'm not not marrying you yeah that's it that kind of attitude you don't get you don't know you're not going to rome i'll tell you that i'm not saving for that you know i hope you fall in love because i think a i want to see you happy forever because i love you as a friend and b i know you'll have a great wedding i'm excited for the wedding you know what i think it'll be a fun fucking wedding you think so yeah i'll dance with your mom i'll have i can't that's already played out in my head a bunch you've thought about that a hundred percent man you're running out a shit to jerk off too i'm sorry i'm really because your mom will watch this she doesn't need

to hear that because i threw out something sweet yeah you didn't need it you didn't need it yeah keep it in? I didn't say I was going to fuck your mom. Hey, I'm going to go take your mom dancing and then fuck her. I don't like that stuff. You're right. Hey, kid. Hey, kid, I'm going to fuck your mom.

Is that Rodney or Dice? That's interesting. I think that if my wife is okay with this and she will be. It has to be. But if she's not, I don't need this. You can always return her. I would like to, I talked about this with an ex of mine, Betty. Yeah.

If we ever were to get married, that I don't like pants too much. I do them because out of respect. Love pants. But let me wear some shorts. I wear a suit top. Oh, to the wedding? Yeah, we'll wear some shorts. I don't know, buddy.

You wear a dress? You wear a dress. You know what I'm saying? All the groomsmen will wear a dress. I don't want to wear a dress. I don't want to wear pants. How about this? You can wear shorts too. Done.

How about this? Wear whatever you want to wear. wherever you want to wear What do you think I would wear if you let me wear whatever I think it depends how hot it is, where it is and what you were thinking that day Okay, it's 45 degrees 45 degrees we're getting married in

Ohio And I think you'd wear what you're wearing And you put on a tie over your t-shirt To be funny For a bit Yeah It's a snoopy tie

Yeah How about this? Hey, here's the thing, come to the wedding What's the dress code? Anything you want to wear It's rad. Where anything you want to wear. Yeah, because why make people feel different?

You still got to dress up because it's nice. It's for a right-of-guess. But you know what? I think I'll want to. Of course you will. But I think it would be fun. But I do like telling the guests, however you would come as you come. Or whatever you want. Also, name tags for everybody, or you can't come in.

I like that. Who is that again? I like that. Yeah. If you're ever at a place at a function and everyone is there equally, meaning if you're performing to an audience, you don't wear it need to wear the name tag. Right. Right.

But, and the audience doesn't need to wear a name tag because they're not there for, they're all there to watch the comic, not to mingle. Well, I'd make clips a little bit easier for the internet. What's your name, buddy? What do you do? But when you go anywhere like a work thing or, you know, a family thing, anything, a reunion? Name tags. Why not? And favorite food.

Why yet? Starts conversation. Because somebody comes up and goes, Asparagus? And then she gets to go, well, I just like the way it makes my pea smell. We have a laugh. You're like, gosh, she's good-looking. And funny. What do you think?

Have you ever thought about getting married? Oh, dude. And she's like, I have. I'm kind of yearning for it. And you're like, this is kind of crazy, but... Also, pardon me. Have you seen whiskey ginger recently? But did you...

Is that a pun? Yearning for it? Yeah. As in urine? Yeah. That's excellent. Was it layered? You got it?

I like that. I'm trying to do a Rick. I love collaborating. I love like, dude, even when I was a kid, even when I was a kid, I got bad grades. And then I went to the special school. And I got good grades because they didn't have a book past pre-algebra. And I was like, I knew pre-algebra at this point. So I'm like, oh, Rick, well, could you help these violent people do some stuff?

And I'm like, yeah, sure. And I'm like, oh, look at, and I remember feeling like, oh, it was the first time I felt smart was at a bad kid school. And I was like, oh, I know something. It's easier to do it when you're with somebody. even today today like present time if I like stuff to do around my place I'll be like

do I have any friends that have work they need to do on their laptop or something could you come over and you do some work oh yeah and then like I'll get stuff done because like oh we're working we're doing something

it helps because we're both doing something and you know what we're both gonna be doing going to UCLA I love that but check this out let's say I'm doing some stuff and you're on your laptop

you're like fucking premiere doesn't blah blah blah blah I don't have the right let or whatever it might be and it's like hold let me see and like if I had to do this on my own if something wasn't working

I'd be frustrated if you were over and it wasn't working it would be frustrating we can figure it out let me see maybe I could help you know

you want a roommate no I want a partner we know I really want a partner I think you're gonna find it I promise man and you do stuff and then you can then

and then like and then like you're together and then you're not sometimes but like something happens and then you call them and you're like yo this is so funny and you know that

And then you'll say something and then they're like, oh, yeah, we're doing this. And then it's like, all right, Rick, well, you know, Rick, slow down. And I'll be like, I love what people tell me to slow it if I'm talking too fast. Slow down. You know, just tell me, tell me what you're feeling. Yeah, say how you feel. Yeah, and then, and then sex, when you're really connected with somebody, are you kidding me? Even when you're not.

No, not me. I used to think I had a soft dick problem, and I sometimes still do. But it's really just because I'm not connected. Because you don't really feel it with that person. I'll be honest. I only fuck with a soft dick. stick. Ask my wife. Yeah, well, that's who I would ask.

No, I do have a, it's a, yeah, it's actually a big problem. Well, um, prop it up with a popsicle stick. Oh. It hurts. You, yeah, we, it's not like, shoehorn, more like shoe hornie. Norie Donald, he mumbles me, like, funny.

I knew you're going to say that that I heard it. So, so, so, so, so, um, so I, uh, podcast, you know, you're talking to people? I had sex with somebody. I had sex with somebody a little bit ago it had been a little bit since getting out of a relationship

Give me the first initial No Give me the first initial Absolutely not No your business Not your business Not out here But I'm telling you something

We're having sex And I wasn't ready to have sex yet And we didn't yet McKayla This is Michaela Go ahead No But I did it used to date a girl

Who Had some of the letters That you just said in her name I won't tell you which Allah. Mike. Can I tell you the story? Please.

I don't want to have sex yet. I don't want to have sex yet. And then it's like, I want to have sex, but I don't feel like I should, but like I want to. Just have sex, Rick. We have sex for a little bit. Maybe two minutes. And I am, I'm not bragging here. I was able to have sex.

I was like, oh, I'm hard enough. It's been a little bit. I've got to have sex, even though I'm not really connected. And I said, uh, can we stop for a second? this is me telling of the Chinese foods bad she wasn't bad she was fantastic very funny not that funny

sweet yeah sweeter than funny yeah what's going on and like I um and I she didn't know before I don't need to tell I don't need this too intimate

I don't know I had to stop I just had to stop I was waiting for you to joke though no no no I had to stop I had to stop and I just I don't this doesn't feel I do like you I would like to keep Maybe we could do this again Sometime

Two minutes If that Two minutes into the sex Yeah it would be so funny Can I stop for a second And she said what's going on Is everything okay? You're like well yeah

I mean I already came I've got to go Oh no no no I'm happy to say neither of us came But I will say That's not the first time I've ever stopped Having sex with somebody

While having sex with them But it's the first time Because the first time It happened was years ago And that's when I learned oh because I there was

can I tell this is like a a story are we done can I tell you this yeah tell it I got out of a relationship with somebody

10 years ago maybe and when we got out of that relationship I was talking in therapy about how like I got a little bit jealous I never felt that way in the relationship

but when the relationship was over I got jealous with how many partners she had been with. It's not of my business how many she'd been with. I found out how many she'd been with. Why'd you find out? I asked her. Why'd you ask? I don't remember. It's a bad ask. I don't ask anymore. Also, don't need to know. It was, I do remember it had something to do with something. We were talking about, by the way, I don't think this needs to be private information. I just, I think it's important, like, understand why you want to know. I never really thought about that stuff. I never

really cared about that stuff. We were talking about something, and she told me, and at least consciously it didn't trigger anything in me sure it was just like oh she's had sex with significantly more people than me and double digit number it was nothing crazy at all it was like 400 no it was i think it was maybe maybe 100 200 no i don't even remember the number but i know my number then was uh was was was was single digits a lot higher now maybe it's nobody's business it's a lot higher now but i i didn't think much of it but then when we broke up. I was thinking about, I was starting to get jealous, like, she's probably just fucking a whole bunch of people right now, and I started getting jealous. She might have

been. She's probably having sex with lots of people. And I remember talking therapy, like, why is that making me feel jealous? I'm not even with her. And when I came to, the, the hypothesis I came to was, is it because I haven't had sex with a lot of people? And there's this high school thing of like, I'm a loser and she's cooler than me? I don't know if that was the case. I still don't, but that was like that makes sense it does so i was talking with therapist and she's like well why don't you have sex with more people and up until that point uh i was very i was scared to have sex of people i was scared to kiss people like it's scary to kiss people that's scary yeah um i remember there was a time uh i've i've talked about this once before on a podcast not too long

ago because i almost had a three way i never had a three way before i still haven't but i almost did such a funny story i want to tell you i don't whatever maybe we'll get to it I ended up going to this girl's hotel room and looking at her test results, and I left. But she lied to me about getting... How bad at school? No, no, no, her STD tests. She said she was tested, and she didn't have a herpes check. And I'm like, she's like, her last herpes check was in 2021.

And I'm like, you said you were tested. She's like, I don't have anything. And I'm like, I saw she has a yeast. I said, you have a yeast infection. She said, I had a yeast infection. I said, I'm out of here. I walked in her place. There's room service stuff all over the place.

place. I walked in. I said, you have a boy coming over. This is disgusting. And I left. I've had three opportunities where there was three ways thrown at me, and each time I didn't do it. The first two, I was scared. The third one was this one. I'm like, I don't want to do this anymore. I want a fucking wife. But I also, I want to know what it's like to have my cock sucked by two girls, and I want to know what it's like to live in New York, and I'm going to try at least one of them. I think you should try both. I'm sure you can get your cock sucked in New York. But this time I left because I just, I can't do it. This isn't for me. But, point is

I'm scared around women so my so my therapist was like well why don't you try sleeping with more people and I said I don't know maybe like that's weird

like what am I going to do that she's like if you ever I think maybe this was a dream but I think she suggested prostitution to me I'm not even lying yeah

so for the next couple years I'm like all right you know what as Will Smith says life wow well yeah thank you yeah Um, they do that when they censor on, uh, Shane, Shane Gillis's podcast.

I recently started listening to people's podcasts. And they say, wow, wow, well, west when they, when they sent, and maybe it was just that episode, but they censor while while west, yeah. Oh, that's weird. And, uh, I don't watch podcasts. I started watching, I'll tell you why I started watching that one, was because somebody sent me a clip because he mentioned something. They were, they were talking about, like, there's no good podcasts in, in, in L.A.,

and, uh, except for bad friends. And then, uh, Shane said, uh, yeah, there are, there's glass, there are, there's Glassman and then he and then the other guy goes I don't know who it was Oscar yeah no it was a third person Lamar I don't know I was audio only and he said oh there's three and I was thinking there's only name two and I was thinking oh he must have counted whiskey ginger as one no because of bad friends right but I'm like oh I really like the podcast I'm like I'm going to start listening to podcast I was listening to yours whiskey yeah um whatever who cares I fuck some more people and then I realized I don't like this I stopped having sex with a girl while having sex with her

And I said, I don't, I, I can't do this. Find you a wife. And then I never had, I never, I haven't had frivolous sex since. Well, you're about to. Guys, please click on the link below. There's a hyperlink that should be embedded in the video now to take you to Rick's dating page. I'll tell you something, having sex with people that you don't like, this isn't even a moral thing. Because sometimes I get really horny and it would be awesome to fuck some, like you think about it.

You think about it. And then there's sometimes, listen, this happens. You're on social media. people message you hey let me come over and suck your fucking big black dick yeah and it's like how do you know my how do you know it was a dick you know but like it's like there's sometimes where it's like you fantasize about it and it's like people want to do it was like hey how come on come on let me say oh come on let's do it's like it's like this is cool this is cool this is cool this is cool right and then it's like all right dude well maybe another time maybe another time you remember these people and then you're

horny and you're like you go to message them or something and you're like what am I going to do I'm going to have this person come over we're going to go someplace and I'm going to go inside of them and not like them and not make eye contact with them and then what and then what it's not even a moral decision i just go soft if i don't love you or if you're not hysterical it's the truth especially especially in condoms yeah you know that's why you need by the way the three-way girl i'm still going to wear a condom but you don't know like what if this three maybe if that fuck hardened there's a splash it comes off. Also,

when I wear a condom, it's a little tight and it doesn't cover my whole cock, so there's the base, but when I wear, but a magnum's too big. It's not too big where it's falling off, but it's like, it's almost, it's like these pants. You need a belt. I'm fine, I'm fine. But if I'm walking around all day, I'm going to do

this a couple times. Well, don't put a condom on when you're fucking limp. You've got to stay hard. I'm talking about, what? I'm talking about when I'm hard. Stay hard. The movie stay hard. I love the movie stay hard. All I'm saying, is a condom, I might as well be wearing contacts because it's just, I'm irritated, I'm feeling it, I can't,

I have a hard time with a condom, I'll do it if you're hysterical. If you're hysterical, I'll put on a condom. Right. But then really it's like, listen, if I can't fuck you without a condom, Jesus, I sound like my mother. Not because of that, I'm just like, my cadence. If I can't have sex with you without a condom, if we're not like having at least at the time being exclusive sex,

Blow me Blow me Yeah, won't you blow me And even then Be funny Yeah Ricky, I love you And here's another thing

You don't know If sex is gonna be great with somebody Until you had him Look at Samantha from Sex in the City Remember the first time she fell in love With that guy who ended up having a really tiny dick Yeah, I never saw it You never see Sex in the City?

No It's fantastic Another show I rewatch all the time Really? It's really? Really. Did you watch it? It's really, really, really good. You never saw it. Yeah. I've seen sex in the state. Out of all the shows that I've seen the most episodes of,

that's probably in my definitely top ten, probably top five. Really? The Office, Sopranos, Game of Thrones, Sex in the City, probably. Mine's Sopranos. Sopranos, curb. 30 Rock. Arrested. Sopranos curb arrested. All comedies

Allie McBeal I know I believe you're joking But maybe you're not Not You really like Allie McBeal that much? Love

I don't think I've ever watched it It's great show My uncle once said to me That he looked at Sopranos as a comedy And I'm like Yeah I think you're right It is

I think you're right It is Sopranos was as much of a comedy As a drama Because there was so much funny shit The Duck in the Pool Ducks in the Pool It's great

I didn't think that was that funny It was hilarious he just wanted a family it was a metaphor for family yeah families are hilarious that's what I'm saying hilarious family good sex kindness

partnership blow jobs eating out I'm sorry I'm talking like this no but it is real that's what you want but when you when you like somebody and you eat them out

doesn't it just it's like it's like having a donut that doesn't have much of a flavor, but there's no calories. You enjoy this. I love doing this. It's a good donut. I get stomach cakes constantly. Never got a stomach egg from eating pussy. Merch. Also, by the way, I don't want to apologize for the way I'm talking.

You shouldn't. But I've been talking, like, even on stage, because I have a bit where I talk about, like, when I first learned how to kiss and, like, the things I've learned. And it gets a little dirty. I don't think of it as dirty. It's about me learning something that was a like, whoa, when I was learning. But then I start, like, it opened the door to saying things, and, not that I've never said dirty stuff before, but, like, I don't I'm hearing myself, like right now, I'm hearing myself. It's too dirty. Well, let's wrap

it up. Well, not if you're in love. Good lead. We'll see you at UCLA. Go see Ricky live, please, genuinely. This weekend, go see him in Charleston, and then go see him in Detroit. He's going to be on the road a bunch. Go to Rick Glassman. Punchup.com. Punchup.com. That's you and everyone, does that.

Punchup. Live slash Rick Glassman. We gotta get you on Punchup, dude. You'd love it. You'd love it. You'd love it. Sign up for my email list. No spam. I'll just let you know if I'm going to be within 50 miles of your city. Yeah, I'll sign up eventually. I was talking. I think you, I don't know if you know what I meant. I have no idea what you're saying. Huh?

Did you really like Ali McPhil? No, but I love perfect strangers. I have that on DVD. A couple of Brazilians that used to live below me, bought it for me as a partner and given they went back home. We end the episode with one word or one phrase. Looking at the cameras say one word or one phrase to end the episode, my prince. partnership in here we pour whiskey

whiskey whiskey whisk whisk you're that creature in the ginger beard sturdy and ginger like vampires the ginger gene is a curse

gingers are pugil you only $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse ginger's all hell now this whiskey is excellent ginger I like gingers