Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Ryan Sickler Has Been Through Some SH*T | Whiskey Ginger

Episode Date: September 11, 2026

Welcome to Whiskey Ginger a Wave series presented by Fanduel. Andrew Santino sits down with comedian, podcaster, and storyteller Ryan Sickler for a hilarious and honest conversation about comedy, family, getting older, life on the road, and finding a way to laugh at all the ridiculous shit life throws at you. Ryan has made a career out of highlighting the lowlights, turning some of life's roughest moments into stories you can't help but laugh at. He's also the host of The HoneyDew and The Wayback, where great stories, terrible memories, and a whole lot of laughing are always on the menu. Check out Ryan's latest stand-up special, Live & Alive, streaming on YouTube: https://youtu.be/PMGWVyM2NJo See Ryan live and check out upcoming tour dates: https://www.ryansickler.com/tour Follow Ryan Sickler: https://www.instagram.com/ryansickler Follow Andrew Santino: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino Follow Whiskey Ginger: https://instagram.com/whiskeygingerpodcast #WhiskeyGinger #AndrewSantino #RyanSickler #LiveAndAlive ========================================= This episode is sponsored by: FANDUEL Get ready for big games, bigger Saturdays, and your most rewarding season ever. only on FanDuel. http://fanduel.com/whiskey TEMPO BY HOME CHEF GET 60% OFF YOUR FIRST BOX! http://tempomeals.com/santino Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome back to Whiskey Ginger, a Wave series presented by Fandul. Whist Ginge fans, I am going to be in Mesa, Arizona. October 18th, that's my birthday weekend, opening for Dave Chappelle at Sloan Park, where the Chicago Cubs Spring Train, come out and see me, Mesa, Arizona, Phoenix Metro area. Come out and see your boy open for Dave Chappelle. October 18th, go to Andrew Santino.com for those tickets, Andrew Santino.com. In here, we pour whiskey, whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk. You were that creature in the ginger beard.

Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Ginger's a fugitive. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Ginger, oh, hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers. You're an Adidas, man. You should get an Adidas contract.

I mean, if they fuck. I don't know why they don't sign you. You've always been an Adidas. I have. Thank you for... You never deviate. I never see you rock anything. I have just recently. Seriously. I have just recently. Seriously, in the past two years, bought a couple pairs of Nike's. Because my feet are fucked.

It's not the shoes. What do you mean? What's wrong with your feet? Well, I got a disease in my legs. So my feet are, like, crazy high arches and shit. And Adidas have a natural kind of high arch in them. Do they? But also, it comes from playing soccer all those years where soccer shoes are Adidas, Puma, Diodora.

True. You know, so I wore those shoes for a while. And then they started developing, you know, also you had the shell toes. And then they started developing their running shoes and all that shit. So Adidas has just been solid. You heard it, Adidas. Sponsor Sikler. Oh, yeah, in Germany.

Have you heard of this, Ryan Sickler? We're thinking about sponsoring him. He's a little bit tanners than we like, but... He's got a little bit more melanin than we prefer. I do. For our athletes. Whenever I see you, the tannist do right now. What about your brother, Puma?

What about your brother over at Puma? Why don't you call Puma? They really like a little bit of this color. You know that I believe it's true. 100%. One brother did Puma. Like, they split. They split, yeah.

Because they got into an argument. Yeah. That's so brotherly, too. I'll open up my own shoe company. It's so brotherly. And then it's good. Oh, yeah. It is funny because Puma did do well. You think your brother, you'd be like, yeah, good luck, bitch.

Yeah, we'll see. We'll see. You're going to start a whole new brand. No one's ever heard of. But still, with a cat. Adidas is the king. Oh, no doubt. You can't find that.

Yeah, I'm tan, bro. You're so tan. I walk out in the sun. I like to walk in the sun. I like a little Japanese girl. I use an umbrella. It's my cheap way to get a tan is my sunroof. Just walking?

Just kiss through the sunroof, bro. Yeah. A little smooch. He got mad at me because I talked about his car. I need to introduce. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to whiskey dinner. My guest today is one of my favorite people on earth they say that for all my guess. But I mean once again today.

It's the return of Ryan Sickler, the tan god. The tan god is here. The tan god, I'll tell you. That's so funny. Someone asked me once I'm like, oh, have you ever had a convertible? You live in California. I was like, dude, this is not convertible skin.

You just blow up and dust. Convertible? Convertible to me? No. Did you ever have a Jeep or anything top off? Dude, brother. Even in Chicago. Most cars I ever owned

didn't even have sunroofs. I was scared of that. Yeah. I don't even need the reflective glass up there. I need full coverage. You know what? No fucking around. You see this red spot on my neck right here?

Yeah. All right. It's newish. Uh-oh. And after all that hospital bullshit, I had to get on new medications. And one day I noticed it. And I'm like,

I wonder if that's a side effect of like one of these medications. So I go to the dermatologist to get my, you know, melanoma check up, and I go, what is this? Is that for medication? She just smiling at me. She goes, you know what that's from? I go what? And she goes, driving.

I go, nah. She goes, that's the sun. Oh, your left side. Yeah, that's funny. I said, she goes, so many people don't even realize it. And I was like, just from all these years of driving. Yeah. She's like, mm-hmm. That sun just beating right through the fucking window on your neck. And I was like, how about that?

Wow. I don't like to do the check down. I do the check all the time. I go to the Durham all the time. And then you stand there naked, and they always have like a, what do they call them? Not an intern, but like someone that's going through the, that's trying to get their residency, you know? Their nephew or something. And they're always taking notes, yeah.

It's just somebody's friend. I'm babysitting. Can you come in? And they're just taking notes the whole time silently. You go get melanoma? I get full body scans from a dermatologist. You do? How often?

Look, look at me. That's great. I go every year I have to go. I had never done it. I didn't know we were supposed to go yearly. I didn't know we were supposed to go yearly. So this little guy on my cheek right here, this is non-cancerous, but it's like,

I forget what she said it is. It's almost like a barnacle that just grows on skin when you get older and shit. It's really weird. You've been out in the sea too long, and I've seen it from a year ago on video. And I'm like, oh, it's gotten a little bigger. And she's like, if you want to come in, we can just burn it and blah, blah, blah.

We'll fucking see. Maybe I'll grow some hair over it. But my brother's brother-in-law, Okay, his wife's husband. In November... No, his wife's brother. His wife's brother, what did I say? Wife's husband?

Yeah, you got it right. Wife's brother is driving on the freeway and all of a sudden loses full control of his body and he's able to get himself to the shoulder and he said he sat for about 10 minutes and his body sort of just reset. So he starts driving again

and almost immediately it happens again. He can barely get to the shoulder. older. He's able to call 911 in the car. They take him to the hospital and they tell him, unfortunately, you've got melanoma and it is spread and you've got like not long at all. What? And I said, what do you? I said, when did he realize? And he said, well, he had a, thought he had a pimple on his back for like years. And I said, who thinks they have a pimple for years and doesn't go get a check? And that's what I said to my dermatologist. And not, no shade on the guy or anything, but she said, you'd be surprised.

Everyone's so fucking busy. Everyone's, and they don't go. And I didn't know. I didn't know we were supposed to go yearly. That's what made me go. And she saw two on me. She didn't like. She told me what she looked for, like different colors.

Cuts them off, sends them away, I'm good. But what I didn't fucking know, and I was about to ask you, because I was like, am I getting clown right now? She's like, I have to check your rectum. Yeah. And I'm like, wait, what? Like, that's, we call that the spot where the. sun doesn't shy.

Why the fuck do you need to look up my asshole? She goes, it's just going to be quick. I go, and I'm smiling at her. She knows I do comedy and stuff. I go, come on, right. And there is. There's a lady in the room with her. There's always the lady in the room with a notepad.

Yeah. And I'm like, for real, she's like, you got to get up with the show. I'm like, come on. She's like, I'm not joking. And I go, all right. And she's like, okay. And I was like, that was, but if you are supposed to check, was that a good check? Uh-uh.

Like I'm thinking, get in there. You know what I mean? But did you know that? That we can get melanoma. I'll be honest with you. I'd never. Please say it's never. They've never checked. They never have.

No, I do full body and they've never checked. No one's ever spread your cheeks. No, brother. I just thought I was going to fucking intake it down into fucking Twin Towers downtown. They were spreading me over there. No, they never checked. For real. She's asked me, do you have any unusual bumps or lumps in your groin or genital region?

She says that. Do you have unusual bumps? who can fucking see their undercarriage if it's under there. I think it's if you can feel something weird when you're washing. I can't see in my asshole. Like I would have to bend over, take photos, or call someone in. You know what I mean? What?

It says rectal and anorectal melanoma are exceptionally rare. But what? You had a very thorough, a thorough dermatologist. You need it to say rare. There's a level of rareness. It's exceptionally. It says exceptionally rare. Do you ever sun your

Paradium? That's what it is. No. You're a leg over the head I should not. I know. Get a little sun in there. I mean,

I would honestly love to lay naked in privacy and just pull my legs back over my head. The other day a dude said he did it and all. I go, huh? You went on all fours, huh?

He goes, yeah, how would you do it? I was like, leg over the head. I'm rolling it back. Yeah. I'm getting all the ball bag. My fucking tank,

my whole, I think it feels good. They say it's good for you. It's good for you. It's good for you. having it like microwaved for a little bit. I've never had that. Heat it up.

I've never put a flame to my, you know what I mean? It's my anus. No, but I do think they say, look up sunning your perineum. I suppose to, or perennium or whatever. It's supposed to be okay for you. It's supposed to be okay. It's supposed to be all right. You get a little vitamin D in there.

No way. Cooking your fucking balls is healthy for you. Perennial sunning is a viral wellness practice that involves exposing the perennium to direct sunlight. Proponents claim it boosts energy and regulates hormone, but medical professionals strongly advise against it. Imagine me putting suntan lotion in my asshole before I go out. I have to SPF my asshole before. And then you hear that, and then it's exceptionally.

Exceptionally rare. So if I'm rolling, maybe it's a thing out here in L.A. You have an exceptionally good doctor. I guess. That is a level. I've got an exceptionally cancer-free assholes. We all know you've had the other side of doctor where they don't, you know what they disband. They're like, I think that's fine.

I had a guy. Fair enough. I've told this story. I have people just dismiss me telling them. I have medical issues and almost kill me. And this lady's like, just going to check your butthole real quick. Shout out to her. I was like, hey.

Dr. Butthole knows what she's doing. I didn't feel like this lady was lying to me. No, no, no, no. It's not for her. She doesn't want to do that. You think she's getting a kick out of it? No. That's what I'm saying to.

Our friends used to juggle like, I would be a guy in a college. I'm like, no, you don't. You're not seeing the best of the best, bro. You're seeing the worst at its worst. They're there. For help, too, bro. You don't. What is this?

All right. Let me just... Girl with the notepad. Can you come here and see what it is it? You know, she's going to do this check instead of me. She's going to do that. But I've had a doctor. I had a doctor in college.

I found a lump on my testicle. I told this story. And I got scared. I went to... I called my parents. I was scared. I told my dad. I said, you know, I found a lump.

It's really... It's legit. This has been like a week now. It's not like, oh, you know, something I thought I felt. I felt it every day. So my dad was in a business trip and made his way to Arizona. He said, we'll go to the doctor together.

It's going to be all right. We'll figure it out. We go to the doctor. We go to like a rag tag ASU doctor. My hand to God, my father's my proof. He's like, this could be anything. Could be a buildup of semen behind your ball? You could have, do you have a hot tub or access to a hot tub?

I said, I mean, I do. We have a community hot tub in my apartment complex. He's like, or fill up your tub if you have a tub at home and masturbate a few times. in the hot water with your testicles below the line of water. I'm not kidding. This was a doctor. My dad's,

my dad heard all this. Tea bag your ball. Tea bagged my nuts. Keep the dick above the water. And I said, and he said, masturbate in the tub and see if this helps me get some movement back there. So then, of course,

my dad's like, we need a second opinion. He's like, go do that, but we need a second opinion. We go to another doctor. They check it out. I'm doing that every night anyway.

I'm promising. I was already doing it. I was already doing it. I'm good. I'm good. I've already been doing that. And then we go to another doctor, and the doctor said, it's a cyst, but it's a, you know, they, what's the name? Why can't I think of it?

They ultrasounded it. And they were like, no, no, this is benign. As long as there's no growth for the rest of your life, it can be there. And ciss come and go. So it gave me relief. But I told the doctor, said, you know what the other doctor said? And the doctor was like, can you give me the name of this person? I was like, well, they're going to get, what is it called?

Like, not barred. That's the, but whatever that is for the medical license. And I was like, I'll tell you the office. I was like, forget that guy. fired for sure he was telling people it's just jiz i was like i don't and how and specifically go in your tub and jack it out yeah he goes just just get some movement going it sounds like we have the same i have the same thing i had the same thing in my ball you had assist yeah i still have it which one right or left left see i'm a righty and um i felt that this is probably like 2000ish scared the shit i was walking on

melrose back when that was a thing remember that yeah johnny rockets oh he's i love melrose was yeah in 2000 that was a spot i was a lot of melrose was in 2000 that was a spot you know i was a spot on Sunday to go walk, shop, whatever, right? Yeah. And I feel this pain in my ball. I'm like, ooh, fuck. It hurt. It physically hurt.

And I felt a lump. So I go to my doctor and he's like, yeah, I don't know. It's definitely something in there. I don't know what it is. I go get an ultrasound also. I will never forget. It was the dumbest thing I could have said. I'm just laying there.

And she's, she like, I don't know how it worked for you, but she was very gentle with me. She folded a towel. Yeah. She gently lifted my penis up, set it on there. squirted the fucking cold, fucking blue gel all over my ball bags. She's rubbing it. And then she puts the ultrasound on it.

And I'm like, oh, my God. And I'm thinking like, don't get hard here. Right. Because it is soft. It does feel nice. And then you're putting that wand on it. You're rubbing it and shit. I'm like, I'm dead.

You suddenly you hear a heartbeat. You're like, wait, what's going on? Over there. And I go, what's that? And I see a monitor over here, but I'm not looking. I go, what's that over there? Is that my testicles? She goes, yeah.

I fucking look over. over at that shit, Santito? I start gagging. I'm seeing my ball roll around. I'm going to, oh, I'm feeling. Oh, it was the worst shit. It's so gross. I could have ever fucking done.

And she's making me squeeze to see it because it would light up red in there and stuff. And I was like, oh, oh, I can't. I was like, turn the monitor. Turn the fucking monitor. But it ended up being a water like sack or something had just formed. And it's in there.

And I said, and then I, listen, I was scared, dude. I went and got, I'm not even kidding you. I got six. Six? Two, I was out. I was like, I got the one I wanted. As long as I got the one I liked, I was like, I'm gone. Then I got another one at the top.

So this one was a department. Then I felt another. I'm like, well, if it's not a problem, why is there another one? So I went and got, and then finally got to a point where my doctor's like, I actually have a specialist here. And she came in. And what was it? She said, God, she said, even if my kids with, oh, whatever the cancer was, had this,

I wouldn't be worried about. I'm like, this could be that? She's like, no, no, no, you're okay. So I'm like, well, do I need surgery? And my doctor, I love my doctor. He's like, you could. But listen, there's millions of nerve endings in there. Okay, if you can just take ibuprofen and deal with it until it gets better, I would.

Because you could fuck up, they could fuck up your testicle. You could lose it ultimately. No, thanks. He's like, you make it worse. I'm like, we're good. No, no thanks. So now I'm into like the. pain in there.

You like it? That's what I use to fucking get that extra torque, bro. Shoot it over my shoulder. 53 years old. That fuels that fire. I'll hit that W. And that whiskey ginger right there,

no problem. As long as you crank on it and hurt me. Don't push too hard. I'm down there doing it myself. I'm not even kidding you. I've vice grip that left. I'm trying to get the right one involved too. But like the right one, I laugh

because it's like if you even graze him, it's over for me. This motherfucker you can just curb stop. this motherfucker. So I'm trying to invite this guy to the party. You know what I mean? I'm trying to get him included. But if you just accidentally even hit him, it's my night's over.

But the left one, you can fuck me up all day long. You're right. And he's like a sensitive friend. He just can't take a joke. He's like to get on my long guy, you know, and the party kids are living next to him over there. You're all too long. Goddain. You got to get it. Keep it down. But he's curious. He's looking in the windows. He wants to see what he's going on. Yeah, exactly. Keep it down.

I know he wants to come over. You know what I mean? I know he does. That changed me. That got my brain into, because I knew a couple of, I knew two guys growing up who had to get one removed. Two. Two. Two guys. Two guys. One removed.

Two. They could have made a new human with them. They each of their balls. What age? I knew one guy when we were in high school and then one guy after college. And I know another guy, a mutual friend of ours that's out here, but I won't say his name because it's not anybody's business.

But I know another adult who had it done. And I know him. You know him very, yeah, you know him very well. Yeah, you know, you know,

you know. Yeah, you know, but it's so funny. I wonder like if they put a nextacle in it or something, you know what I mean? This was my first question to our friend.

Or something. He did not put a, he did, they can do like a, they do like a prosthetic or something. He decided not to. He was like, nah,

I don't fucking, I don't, okay. And he's like, no woman has ever given a shit. It's never a, he's like at first, my ego was like a someone,

no woman would ever care or if they did know they still wouldn't give a fuck. It would never change their, do you know what I mean? They'd never be like, well, I don't like the way that looks. I love everything about you. Guys got half a ball. Half a ball. For my ego. I love everything about you, man. Except you got half a ball.

I would want to put a, I'd want to put a fake in it. Yeah, just for balance. I would just want to move the one to the middle. Center. Cyclopset? Just give him all the room. You know what I mean? Like, what do we do it? Well, it would be nice. of its pay. It's just, it's right below the shaft.

Blow the fucking wall out. Let's fucking open the kitchen up. It's an open concept ball sack. An open concept ball sack with indoor outdoor flow. It's a one shaft, one ball. It's a pretty good square footage. As you can see, they've renovated. Yeah. But I had a two weeks, what, two weeks ago, a couple weeks ago, I had a, on my leg. I'd had it for years, and they carve it out. The only bummer with the carve out. It doesn't hurt.

it doesn't really hurt, but it leaves a crazy scar. I mean, they dig deep into your leg. Deep. Yeah, and she said it too. She was like, I'm just letting you know this one's pretty deep. And I was like, well, it's okay, but they freeze it. You don't feel it. And then weeks later, you look at it in the mirror. Like, now I look at it, it sucks because it's a big, it's a gap.

It looks like you could have done it. Yeah, yeah, it looks like I did it. Every time I see it, I'm like, do that yourself? Like with a butter knife? What the fuck are you doing it? Like I scooped it out with an ice cream scoop. But also, I put all that shit on it. You know, remember when, yeah, what's, um,

mederma, you know, to smooth scars. It's never worked once. No, it doesn't do shit. It's a great scam because I've used it. And it's still, at some point, I quit using it because I was like a scar is scar. But the only call you want is when they call you and they go, you're fine. Don't worry about it. It's fine.

It's good. You just now you keep checking for stuff around the area, but you're fine. You should maybe remember this. One time in high school had a buddy named George Wilk. He was the kid that stole his parents' car in seventh grade and then picked up other kids in the neighborhood and enjoy ride. I love that guy. I'm not fucking kidding you.

Was he a only child? No, he had a sister, which is two of them. And she was a year or two older than us, and she was just as crazy on the feminine side on her crew. So every now and then, we would cross paths at a party, and it would be on and popping. And she looked after all of us. We were two years younger, but she was like,

you know, you guys are like my little brothers, too. So her crew was pretty awesome. But he also would do shit. Like he, my brother, and a few other guys. They drove every car like it was a fucking Ferrari. It didn't matter if it was a Toyota. They're fucking jumping it and everything else, right?

Which I got into a little bit. But George would do shit like on a three-lane highway. There would be a car in a left lane, a car in a middle lane. Right lane's wide open. George splits the two cars. No. Santino. Insane.

I would be screaming. Screaming. We were driving back from... So we were getting fights. We played soccer everywhere. across Maryland. We got in fights in every fucking league we were in. Indoor, we get in fights. So now we're playing in a league in Baltimore City at midnight. Okay. And fucking do Burns Arena, Clarence DuBerns Arena. And we're coming back at, I don't know, like 115, 120 in the morning,

you know, games an hour. So freeway is not packed. And he split those. I'm, he's telling me he's going to do it. I'm in the back. He's got other people in the car. I am screaming. I'm scared at death. After that, I was like, I'm never riding with you again. I think that was probably two years. I was like, to this day, I never got that guy's car again. He's still alive.

He's still alive well. He's kicking it? Yeah, he's kicking it. He was insane. We all have, I had my buddy, my buddy, my buddy, my buddy Baldino. Shout out to Baldino, one of my favorite people. Unbelievable with cars, talent, though. I mean, he, he professionally rode motocross.

Like, he was incredible. He would do, you know, he'd jump 50 feet. the air and do flips and shit, he was, but didn't even bother him. You know what I mean? Like, that was nothing. So, doing wild shit in a car, we're freaking out. He's seeing, he's seeing it like it's the fucking matrix. Yeah, George loved it. Oh, they loved it. He wasn't sweating, like, hold on the eyes, white knuckling all. I'm pretty sure he was like this.

Pretty sure he was just like this. In the back on, hand me that. Fucking ridiculous. You hand me that in the back there? Terrified. No, thanks. Terrified. No, no, that freaks me out. Terrified. You know what I did yesterday that I always noticed about California, and we were driving, we drove down to San Diego. I see the motorcycles in my rear view I always give them more room

and they do this thing they do that they always give you like a thank you and for some reason it's like an ego stroke for me I'm like you got it brother as if I'm part of the like I'm part of the group or something it's so it's so funny

because I always go as far I'll go into the shoulder it's a code bro and it's been recognized but when they do this when they throw that piece sign down below I go yeah just turn up music a little bit like

Yeah, it's some of my boys out there. I get a ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ha-one when they're going by. I love it, dude. Wait, have you ever had, this is the other thing, too. Like, a lot of people don't know when you live here, you can split the lane on a fucking motorcycle. Totally legal. It says right on your license. It's not recommended, but it is legal.

But. At your own risk. Correct. If you, if an accident happens, and even though you're not at fault, you do assume risk. So if they split lanes and someone illegally changes lanes, it's still on the motorcyclist because you split the lane. It's bad. want to do it, you can do it. It freaks me out, dude. The way that people drive. And I have my motorcycle license. So I'm been guilty of it a couple times where I'm creeping a little too

close to the line or whatever. Have you ever had one of them beat down the side of your car? No, I've never had that. I get away from it. I've had it twice where I don't see it. And they, as they're going by, boom, boom, boom, they hit your car with their hand when they're going because traffic's slow enough out here sometimes. It scares. I didn't know. I was like, what the fuck? I thought we were getting shot. I don't know what the fuck it was. And I saw him go by and I was fine. I was like, that's my bad thing. But I was like, what is going on?

I don't get anywhere near him. Yeah, that was crazy. Well, still, you can look this up. I don't know if this is true. But my whole life as a kid, all my uncles that had motorcycles, nobody wore a helmet. And in Chicago, see if it's still illegal. I think Wisconsin, you don't have to have a helmet right now. Well, Wisconsin's a lawless state.

That's not even a real place. You can have, you know there's no limit to DUIs out there. What do you mean? Wisconsin has no. No three. No street. three strike law. No, look at a hillshare you. I swear to God, dude. There was a woman, there was a new story. A woman in Wisconsin had like 20 of them. And they were like, come on.

And you can keep driving? Oh yeah, brother. You get suspended. So you just pay. You get points and suspensions and then they'll give it to you back. Here, if you get three, you never drive again. Ever. In California. You just keep getting fines. Because fines. Or you could get locked up to first offenses, you know, civil infraction, then the second and third are misdemeanors. Then they're all felonies, but you can get up to fine, but they don't. There's no roof. Your license. There's no ceiling. You just keep giving it back to license.

What does it say in Illinois? Is it still legal to ride a motorcycle without a helmet? Chicago wearing a helmet is generally not required by law for adults. That's crazy, bro. Illinois is one of only three states without any universal motorcycle helmet law. Three? What are the other two? Hold on, let's guess.

Arizona. I was just going to say Arizona or... And Wisconsin. Well, I would say... No. No, no, no. I'm going to go like a Montana. Is Florida?

You think Florida? Florida seems... Because Texas, I'm free Texas. Texas seems like it should be. You guys haven't said it yet. Oh, it's got to be either the Dakotas. It's surprising. Montana, no.

Wyoming? Surprising, you said. Surprising. Not like surprising, surprising, but I'm like, D.C. In the limits of D.C. I don't want anybody to have to wear a helmet when they're in D.C. One Midwest and one New England. Indiana?

Nope. Vermont? Ohio. Connecticut. Nope. Maine, New Hampshire is one. New Hampshire is one. New Hampshire.

Sure. Well, what is their phrases? Live free or die, right? Live free or die. And also one of the forgotten states of the Midwest. Kansas? Indiana? No. Naming all the Missouri? Nope. Nebraska. Nope.

Minnesota. No. I don't count Oklahoma as the Midwest. No. Wait, it's either Indiana, Ohio, Illinois, Kentucky. No. They're barely it. They kind of kissed the... South Southern.

Yeah, it is, but... Ohio, you said? No. I said Ohio. We said them all. Hold on. Michigan? No. Hold on. Wait. Illinois, Wisconsin, Michigan, Ohio, Indiana, Nebraska, Missouri, Kansas. You're forgetting one. Minnesota.

No? God damn. It's not Kentucky. Tennessee touches us. Indiana, Ohio. That's it, dude. Hock eyes. Iowa. It's the forgotten state. It's the one I literally forgot. I even named tertiary states. I named Kentucky touches us, and they're tertiary.

I'm like, yeah, Western Kentucky is kind of southern Illinois, and so is Tennessee. That's crazy Iowa, Illinois, and New Hampshire. No helmets. In here, we pour whiskey. Welcome to your most rewarding season ever, only on Fanduel. How rewarding are we talking? More rewarding than a touchdown with time expiring.

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Tempomeels.com slash Santino. Rules and restrictions may apply. Ginger. I like genders. Why, Iowa. But Iowa, if you've ever been to Iowa, it is long country roads, and it's a lot of nothing for as far as you can see. Whenever we drove through the Midwest, my Christ, forever and ever of nothing. There's only something is, the only place is boring to drive through, like, distance-wise, is Texas. If you've ever done the length of Texas?

I sure have. I saw the son come up. And go down and come up again in Texas. I was like, get the fuck out of this God-Haddenstate. You drove through Europe twice. Yeah, it's insane. I can't, no, I, but growing up, my uncles did. A bunch of them didn't wear helmets.

And then they did. I think a couple of them started to, but they just didn't care. It was never a thing. And I remember when I moved out west, you only saw people with helmets. And I thought, that's weird. I wonder why people have to, why people wear helmets out here. It's like, well, when I first moved here, the first time was 94 for college. And I think it was just around then when they were making you wear a helmet.

It wasn't, you'd think this shit would be around since the 80s, like seatbelts or something. It's not. Well, seatbelt laws, I'm sure. We talked about this one time. We talked about the guy who used to pick me up from school when I did your way by We just talked about that yesterday. The guy who picked me in school. We would just sit in the back.

It was an old couple. It was an old couple. Who didn't have children. Right. Who lived in your building or neighborhood and decided, we're just going to take random kids to school. Uh-huh. And while they did, they ate full-on meals from Boston Market. I'll never fucking forget it, dude.

And my mom was like, they were nice people. I'm like, who vetted them? Who the fuck were they? My mother has no idea. Yeah, right? I'm saying. Just an old couple from the neighborhood. Yep.

And my mom put a nice sheen on it. He was like he was retired. He worked for the building and it was with his wife. It's not weird if he's with his wife. I'm like, she could be his partner in crime. That's Galane, right? That's Galane. That's Galane, dog.

Grandma Galane over there. This is a fucking old couple. Now you kids take off your clothes back there. Get comfortable. Because we were in the back of the station wagon. We'd be sitting in the open back. It was insane. And they're eating fucking mac of cheese and cornbread shit, not giving anyone anything.

Didn't give a fuck. Those were weird times. Well, also, I didn't, we didn't, we don't, we don't, my family was bad for a long time with seatbelts. I remember often people not wearing seatbelts. And then finally being like, guys, you have to put it on. It's like a thing now where like culturally it became a thing. But I remember as a kid, I remember, I don't remember adults putting their seatbelts on or yelling at us. No, it was just get in the car.

Pile in. Just get in. Yeah, pile in. Get in. There's eight of us in here. go all the way to the back. You're fine. It's insane.

20 minutes. You're fine. And you know what? No one ever died. No one ever died. I wouldn't say no one. I know some people that died. It happened.

Wait, wait, hold on before we deep. No one ever died. No one ever died. They just made us have C bell laws. Yeah, no one died. Don't worry about it. Buffalo. Give me Buffalo before we forget.

Wait, I want to say this. I'm going to give you the Buffalo story for sure, but I want to tell you this one. So my mother was just, you know, long story short, my mother was a terrible. terrible mom like split from the family cheat on my dad just physically mentally emotionally abusive beat you guys beat the fuck out just and then abandon us even after he died she's like you know whatever yeah so just a shit person so sorry i'm sorry to laugh that's good bro i'm sorry and at the time this one day we're probably 10 at the time so she's still in the family she's taking a girlfriend of hers and her two kids and then me and my two brothers so we got five kids two of

adults in a two-door Ford escort. Okay, beige. I've been in that. Two-door four-Bage. I've been in almost that exact same car. And we're going, we live in Maryland, and the outlets back in the day were a big deal. You save money at the outlets. And we're going to the Hanover, Pennsylvania outlets.

It's probably maybe an hourish drive. They got a Tommy Hilfiger over there? Okay. Not back then, bro. Tommy Hilfiger wasn't even out of age. That's all an outlet is now. All I see is. When I pass an outlet, it's Tommy Hilfiger.

That's all the same. It's all the same. That's crazy. Yeah. So you got two adults up front. You've got me, my brother, her older son, who's like a year younger than us, but bigger, the three across the back. And then there's two in the well. It's not a real fucking, there's no seat. They're laying down back there.

Okay. Yeah. Their heads against the window. And one of them's complaining that it's, you know, they're banging around. So my mother's like, fine. Then squeeze up here into this seat. And I'm like, I want to put. my seat butt on. She goes off

on me about what a selfish piece of shit I am for wanting to secure myself safely in this vehicle. Ryan's a pussy. When we got to put four people across this seat now. So I don't buckle up. We're heading out. We're just almost there, Andrew Santina.

We're going west. This little boy comes out of a laundromat right here. He's probably 10 years old. We're going west. He comes out here. He looks west. He looks the direction we're headed. Doesn't swivel that head to the left.

Steps right out in front of my mother's car. My mother hits this kid. Runs over. No. Holy shit. Killed him in front of everybody. No, I'm just joking. He didn't die.

Oh my God. Just joking. He didn't. Runs him over. But the boy comes out again. Looks at direction we're heading. Doesn't swivel to the left. But as a driver,

You're supposed to be prepared for shit like this. And he goes to run across the street and my mother hits him, runs over him, right? Shut up. Slams on the brakes. She's screaming. Her friend's screaming. The mother runs out of the laundromat. Now, what had happened was she told her son to go.

Go get me cigarettes. 100%, bro. I know it. I know it. That's exactly what it was. Go get me cigarettes. And then he didn't look both ways. She saw it the whole way from inside the laundromat.

comes out and starts beating his ass because she's also scared, you know, the whole thing. Everyone's young. A cop fucking comes up. And the boy, when I look back the back window, I see him crawling, crawling back to the sidewalk. So what happened was his head, his head hits the right quarter panel.

She had a dent there. We used to always walk up. We used to walk outside to the car and look at my mom, just put our head right there. She's like, shut up, shut up. We just stare at her with our head and the dent that boy's the child's head. that child's skull made when she ran over.

So his head hits like this, and luckily it throws him back. But it throws him back on his back, and then my mom runs over his legs. So he's, you know, fucking army crawling back to the curb crying and shit. His mother comes out there, beat the shit out of him. She probably needed a cigarette, too. He didn't make it to get the fucking cigarette. So now a cop comes to take the report. And the mom is just like, it's not this lady's fault.

My son didn't, you know, she's going on and on. on. Protecting your mom. Protecting the mom. Yeah. When she clearly could have fucking used the lawsuit from the state farm insurance easy. Uh-huh. So it's a, it's everyone's shook, you know, and my brother and I are dicks. We're laughing. Because the kid's fine now. We're like, oh, you didn't sue.

So the cop comes over and he's like, all right, he starts taking a report. He's like, was everybody back here wearing their seatbelt? And I said, actually, no, we weren't. I said, I wanted to put my seatbelt on, but my mom said that we had to get four across. And I was selfish for wanting to secure myself. And he's just looking at my mom, just looking at her doing like the... Taking notes. He's like, ma'am, everyone, she's like, I know, I know.

She's all fucking pissed. And then I think he just broke a leg and had... That's it? Yeah, it's it. He got lucky. He broke one leg and had it like his... He had stitches and a concussion, but he got fucking lucky. But we ran right over a kid.

Packed car ran over his head. That's so terrible. I mean, hey, what was he doing in the road, man? His mom was sending him to get fucking sick. Back when a child could go in a store and get you cigarettes. I bought my dad, Winstance. I bought it multiple times. I go to the gas station.

That's a cigarette. I don't even know if they make Winston anymore. Look that up. I don't know. My dad, that's all he smoked was Winstons. Well, remember, that was back when NASCAR was allowed to have tobacco sponsors. Oh, yeah. You don't have that shit anymore.

No, what is it? Still made, huh? Is the Winston Cup still a thing, or did they change the name of that, too, for some pussy shit? For some bitch shit. For some liquid IV. Smoked No Unfiltered Paul Malls

Yeah Paul Moles That was a cigarette Of a veteran It's almost like you had to be in the military To be able to get Paul Moles Because I think they were military Issued cigarettes

Weren't they, isn't that what they gave them Paul Molls? Paul Malls I don't know why But it was like If you were a veteran You smoke Paul Mals But he smoked unfiltered

Which I thought was wild And then for years You know you love cigarettes When you're rolling your own Oh They were a staple In Military Rations along with Camel, Lucky Strikes and Chesterfields.

Camel. Chesterfield. That's why old dudes loved them, yeah, because they're a military cigarettes. Anytime I'd spend a night at a dude's house, and he's like, my dad was in the military. I'm like, is he going to make breakfast? And they're like, yep. I don't know what it is about dudes that were in the military. Oh, bro.

They're up early. They're up early. And they make a killer breakfast. But they know they need to eat breakfast well because they might not eat again for a long time. That's true, too. They might die later. Yeah. I don't want to die.

Make this my good last meal. Every breakfast. Every meal is the last supper, bro. What did it say? What do you said? It was what? I was just saying that Winston Cup stopped in 2003. 1971 to 2003.

Well, it's probably, it's probably because of economics. I'm sure Winston lost a lot of the market share. I think that was probably tough for them. Growing up on the East Coast, if you smoked, it was basically Marlboro, either reds or lights. There was camels. They used to have the camel cash back then, too. And Marlboro did like miles. Miles.

I collected them. And they had a fucking, you know, catalog. Filled. Yeah, and you could get duffel bags and luggage and shit. Jackets. I had a Jack Marlboro jacket. Yeah, I wish I still kept that as a kid. What are the other ones everybody would smoke?

American spirits floated in for a second. No, not for me. Parliaments was big. Parliament became a thing, yeah. In Chicago? Yeah, Parliaments. I know a lot of guys that smoke parliaments. I had never even heard of Parliaments or saw them until I got out here.

Really? It seems to be a very west coast. P-Funks. No, in Chicago, people loved them. The why, do you know why? Oh, the little cocaine alley there, the little cocaine filter. So I dated this black girl out here, and she would only smoke when she was drinking. And then one night I see her, like, what did you just do over there?

And she's like, oh, and it says right on the package, recessed filter. A recess filter, yeah. And she's just doing a little bump. And I was like, that's why her body smokes the motherfucker. Yeah. A little bump to go. Do you ever seen that? Do you know about that?

A little scoop. Parliament's had a recess filter. The filter didn't go to the end of the cigarette. It was kind of like ducked in by like an eighth of an inch or something. So there was a little bit of room. I got a pack in my car right now for an audition that I'm using. I was going to say, you don't smoke. I'll show it to you when we get out of here.

Yeah, yeah, show it to them. What do you do? Your audition to be a guy who smokes? Well, I'm not auditioning to be a guy who smokes. They just say in there I smoke. So I got a pack of parliaments. And then I went and bought some joints because I don't smoke cigarettes. I went and bought some joints that look like a cigarette.

And I pulled maybe five of the parliaments. Parliament's out, so I'm going to light what looks like a cigarette. That's a dube. That's a dube instead of a fucking... You know, I switch. I'm not smoking much anymore. I'm only consuming, eating and drinking. I like it.

I think it's better. It's making my cardio better again. Like when I do... I like to row. And when I do the rowing, I was like, man, I think I probably should stop smoking. So now I'm eating and drinking. But the drinks I love. Yeah.

Drinks are probably my favorite. Like after I work out in the morning or whatever, and if I have a drink, like after breakfast. They're great, man. Maybe a solid little... You coast for a little... A little coffee buzz. I feel like you coast for a little bit.

Yeah. You get a nice, even... Yeah, I don't want to be fucking... Like, I'm not... I don't dabs. Because you do dabs? I'm not... What the fuck are you doing?

Cut it out. Dabs are way... That's... No. We're too old for that. I just want to... I just want my shoulders to drop down.

Yeah. I just want my hair down a little bit. I want the octave in my voice to just chill out a little bit. All right, let me tell you Buffalo. Oh, yeah. Tell me a... So I was in Buffalo

I've been to Buffalo in a minute. I had never, it was my first time. Really? I'd never even been up to Buffalo for comedy before. So I get up there. And I'm telling a story

in my set now about drivers, the drivers that will pick us up. And Seagora and I will trade these stories because of all the people in comedy, and I mean all of them from managers, bookers, club owners,

sound guys, comedians themselves. For whatever reason, those fucking drivers seem to be the wildest wild cards of all. And they've got crazy. Crazy stories, yeah. And once they know they're getting you

and that you're a comedian, they love the fucking, they loved. So this is such inside baseball. It's so true. They're all like that. Oh, God. They love it.

And this guy was picking me up at the airport in Kansas City at the time. And it's a long story I won't get into here, but the point of it is, I didn't realize it was a 45-minute ride to the fucking club

from their airport. And during the ride, he starts telling me that he had robbed banks and that he robbed 12 banks with a crew and he did 10 years and he's out now and this is what he does. Wow. And I'm like, Jesus fucking Christ. So right away in my mind, I'm like, all right, well, there's a gun on them and one somewhere in the car.

100%. No doubt. This is a bank rob. Absolutely. Definitely a fucking two guns are in this car and one of them is on his purse. Right. One's underneath you. That's where my mind's at.

It probably. Grab that gun underneath you real fast. In case I need to help them. There might be three. One here, one here for him, and back there in case. Right, do my favor. Grab that gun under the seat. Listen, there's a nine underneath this seat, bro.

It's loaded. Safety's off. Just start pulling the triggers. Sweet, just squeeze. Aim and pull. So after I tell the story, I just randomly, I'm like, has anybody in here ever been to prison? And I hear this voice over in the corner and go, I have.

And I just started laughing. And before I could see who it was or whatever. I've talked about this with Stavi before, too, where, like, I think the Baltimore accent is the first non-binary accent. Because you could hear this. Hey, hon. Cross the street and get me some cigarettes and a scratch off. That could be Uncle Jack or Aunt Janice.

You know what I'm saying? You don't fucking know who it is until you put eyes on that person. Right. And I hear that accent. I'm like, this could go either way over here. I'm like, where are you? And she goes, I'm over here. here and I go what's your name she's like Linda I'm like all right Linda and I say that about the

baltimore accent and I go you went to prison I go not jail I'm not talking about a couple days I'm talking about prison she goes I go what happened what'd you go for it she goes assault and robbery I go damn you assault and robbery I go what happened she goes I was drinking one night in this bar I was real fucked up and I walk out to my truck I get in my truck and I decide fucking I'm driving home. I start driving home. I'm about five minutes into my ride out of nowhere. This man

pops up out of my back seat. This is every woman's nightmare. Yeah. And I'm like, a dude is in the truck. She goes, yep, and he pops up. And she goes, I start screaming. And he starts screaming. She goes, next thing I know, he's grabbing my neck. I'm fucking, I'm punching

them. I'm beating shit. I'm like, you're winning? She goes, I'm winning. I'm like, ah. And she's like still driving. straight, holding it together, beating the shit out of this guy. He's losing. She goes, I pull over. And it's funny because I go where she goes, on the 33. And I was like, don't fucking talk to me like I drive these roads up here every goddamn day. But the next morning, I'm going to the airport and it's the 33. It's a highway, bro. She pulls over on the highway and she fucking kicks the guy out. What the fuck? On the fucking street. Shoulder the fucking highway. And then she hauls ass home. I go, what the fuck has?

happened. She goes, well, 15 minutes later, the police are knocking at my door. I go, why? She goes, turns out, that wasn't my truck. I said, what are you fucking talking about? She said, dude, she said my truck looked just like his. And I got in his truck. I go, but how? How did it unlock? How did it start? She goes, it's all newer and it's push start. And I had my keys on me, so I just assumed when I touched it, it unlocked. I got in, it fucking started. Or it was unlocked, she got in and it started. Sure, because he's in the car

with the keys. She starts driving. This poor guy is shit-faced, doing the right thing. Taking a nap. He's sleeping it off in the back of his truck. She gets in. I go, so you're drinking and driving both of you? She goes, yeah. And she said, he wakes up

and starts screaming, because in his mind, he's like, who is this bitch? And my guy, she's like, who's this? thinking they both start duking it out and he lost. He lost to the lady, dude. And she shoved him out of the car on the highway. And I go, what's the robbery? Because it's his car.

She goes, yeah, because it's his car. Oh, my God. I go, how long did you do for that? She goes, less did you think? I go, well, what was it? She goes, three years. Three years? That's what I said.

And she goes, well, I did have like four or five DUIs. Oh, okay. Yeah, this wasn't her first go. All right, all right. I could be honest with me. How similar were these trucks? and she goes, mine was red and his was blue. So what is your buffalo bill?

Never in my life. This fucking bitch got this poor guy, he's trying to do the right thing. Sleeping off. She's drinking and driving his car. Imagine getting beaten your own car. And by a woman. And your own car. And your shit face and you're losing too.

You're at home. That's your home pace. You should have a weapon or something. Anything. That's amazing. Linda. That's great, dude. Shout out Linda.

Linda, fucking drinking and drive and did Three years. This family is on the brink of Civil War. On September 18th, Mobland, the hit original series is back on Paramount Plus. We are the Hurdiggins. Don't know than it? And Google us. From the underworld of Guy Ritchie.

Do you want to step up the ladder? I won't come at dead. Starring Tom Hardy, Pierce Brosnan, and Helen Mirren. Do I have to do everything myself? You want to want! I'll give you a bomb. Mopland. New season hits September 18th on Paramount Plus. Do you do that bit on stage about the, that the Baltimore accent is?

Yeah. That is brilliant. I've started it now because of that. I couldn't even, as you said it, I was thinking, yeah, it's kind of, it's such a distinct. And it's also just, is it. But it's you guys. What's funny about Baltimore is everything around Baltimore, it doesn't sound anything like Baltimore. Where like even when you go to.

But even Stavi and I put that accent on. too like when he does Ronnie I used to do Ronnie years ago to all the radio like it's a it's a known thing but it's a real accent you're here a hundred percent of yeah but that's what I'm saying is like I took Larson one time and he turned around looked at me and goes is he speaking English I was laughing so hard yeah bro just asked you what you wanted to fucking eat but like all of New England kind of sounds like that Boston thing like Larsonie but you guys don't sound like anybody anywhere near you like even even when I go up to even Buffalo sounds like the Midwest

They have a little bit of northern Midwest in them. But what's funny about Baltimore, when I know when I'm in that area, you can just tell right away someone's from Baltimore. It's so strange. I mean, I don't know what that is or what the... Philly and Baltimore. The Phillies got a bit of the same accent, too. Philly a little bit, but Philly. It's that mid-Atlantic.

I looked it up. It's a whole thing about the, you know, the English coming over and their cockney accent, and it just gets, you know, raped and beating down over time and turns into something like yes. Like this. Like yes. There's no TH. Like it. He's always yelling at us about this and that. Here's another one.

One of my favorites, it's silent. You don't hear it a lot. People will put a K on the end of a word, like everything. It's, you. My friend Shad at one time told my cousin, he goes, she told our grandmother on it something we did. And he goes, you tell on everything we do. It's burned in my head. And my buddy Kevin, I go, why do you?

do you fucking put the K on the end of everything? He goes, what do you mean? I go, you don't hear it, do you? He goes, no, and he doesn't. He goes, what, what do you guys? What do you think about everything? And I'm like, you don't hear the K you're hitting, closing it out with? Everything going on.

Yeah. Everything is going on. Well, it's an easy throw. Yeah, maybe it's just like a K. Well, it's like, what did I do a bit now about that Boston news story that I heard when I left my hotel and Boston ads like an R, like Comer. It was a coma. It was a coma.

It was a coma. And I was like a coma. And it was such as faint throwaway R, but they put it on stuff. It was very strange. I was like, did you get coma? Like it was a, by the way, it really made light of a coma. I mean, the story was horrific. And I say in the bit, the newscast is like, on the North Shore, a house was robbed.

And they beat him into a coma. And then they were like Celtics start up drafting next week. I mean, it was right to sports. It was like sports right away. They didn't even skip a beat. There was no transition. It went right to sports. It was a guy got beat into a coma.

and then right to the Celtics. It was insane. That's what, you know, that's the one thing I miss about back home is characters. Oh. You really do meet characters. Here you meet characters,

but they're always wack. You know what the characters are here? That guy that's at every fucking Laker game. You know that weirdo? Look up old man at every Laker game. Who is that guy? I don't know, but that's... Looks like he's about to melt in his fucking seat.

He looks like he's going to sleep. Who brings him to that thing? James Goldstein? Yes, exactly right. Goldstein. I hear it. Who is he, though? But everyone at home knows, if you've seen this guy, he's been on, we'll show up a photo, Joe.

Yeah. Yeah. But I mean, who, say his name again? He looks like the dude from Poltergeist. Jimmy Goldstein, that's right. Was he even using music mogul or some shit? But this is the kind of guy. What, in the 40s?

That's a guy. That's a guy. That's the character. I think he owns the house. Hey, I think he owns the house from Big Lobowski, the, um. Oh, like that mansion? Yes, why can't I think of the name of the, uh, uh, where the rug tied the room together?

No, no, no, no, no. Jackie Treehorn's house. I think that was his... You remember Jackie Treehorn's house? In Malibu? I think... But it wasn't in Malibu. I think it's his house. That might be incorrect. The residence has been featured in many TV shows, Charlie's Angel, the Big Loboski, something like so... Right. So Jackie Treehorn's house wasn't in Malibu. It was actually that

house, which I think is in the Hollywood Hills. But this guy, if I'm not wrong, I heard, is a... Was a music mogul or something? Or started a... What do he do? But right, that's the characters you meet on the West coast, they're like these kind of strange... I've never met that guy. You met him? No, but you know what I mean? Like, that's who our characters are.

Where on the East Coast, it's like his dad owned his dad owned a factory and then his family that, and it's like these old stories like, yeah, his grandfather was in the mafia and he gave it to his brother. His brother got shot in a face in front of and you have all these, this guy is just a what?

It's interesting. We'll say he's from Wisconsin and then he was involved with the Milwaukee Hawks. He refuses to disclose his that worth or how he made his fortune. They speculate he made billions in real estate, notably in Central Century City, but it was noted in Hollywood Reporter that he made his money in mobile home parks by packaging groups of properties into investment vehicles and then suing municipalities. I'll sue him in the city. Settling him up and suing.

Just throwing his own clays in the air and hitting him. No wonder he don't want to tell you how much he's got. City attorney. City coming after that motherfucker. They refer to his tactics as litigation terrorism and accuse him of building his fortune on the backs of the most vulnerable people in society. Sweet guy. Spent millions to fight him. Litigation terrorism. So he sued the city, set him up to take him down.

Meanwhile, making his fortune off of people that live in mobile homes. Yes. Really nice guy. Really solid. I grew up working in my friend's dad's junkyard, and those were characters. Like, the guys I miss like that. There was a guy named Richard, but we called him Turbo Lips. And listen, he talked like Twista wrapped.

Remember Twista? What are you talking? From Chicago's finest, do you talk? That's how he would talk. He talked like to say to make a view of a fucking... Yeah, come on, man. I mean, you would squint. You know what the fuck's he said?

And we would... Whenever they'd say he was coming into the yard to get a part or something, we'd all go sit and just... He'd just be in there bullshit and with our friends to have for 30 minutes, so we'd be dying. Talking a million miles a minute. So fast. Yeah.

Like an auctioneer. And we'd be like, Richard. How the fuck do you? How does your tongue do that, bro? We had another guy name, his name was John. And this is when I learned what cocaine was and what it did to you.

So we're probably in like middle school. This guy comes in. And Shannon's dad had been telling us like he's kind of a fuck up. But again, when he says fuck up, like you're a real fuck up. Because we're at a junkyard. Right.

Where all these guys are maybe seventh, eighth grade graduates, tops. Max. They've all done time. but not for violent shit like grand theft or steel it's all automotive shit they've gone to jail prison whatever and they're all older now and they can't get jobs so they just they're just part pullers you know right and we're an eighth grade watching these grown men and they're they don't have any fucking filters they don't give a fuck right this guy would drink all night so he'd come in

hung over and he'd come in late but he was such a good salesman that they just would not fire they're like He'll be here for three hours and he'll fucking make it up. He will. They couldn't get rid of them. But he would come in, he'd be like, hey, guys, just like this. And then he'd go in his little trailer because we had trailers for offices. You had the main one here. And then this one was the miniature all foreign, they called it.

So John just dealt with your Dotsons and Toyotas. He didn't deal with any of the American shit, just the foreign shit. And he would go in that trailer and five minutes later, I mean, he would kick that fucking door up me. Woo! And we were like, God damn. And he taught us about cocaine. And we were like, that's what that fucking said. He would fucking come out.

Like, let's sell some cars. We're not selling cars. They're wrecked, you dumbass. We're selling parts. But he would sell the shit out of those fucking parts. High on cocaine like a motherfucker. Yeah, you could probably schmooze, man. It was so, like, I love the criminal element.

It was so crooked there. It was so fucking crooked. But that's what junkyards are, right? Isn't that what the whole thing is? Well, you know, you'll take your fucking. Porsche out there to a dealer. And if they don't have that fucking mirror, or some people will call it in Maryland, I don't know if you have this accent.

You ever hear anybody called a Miro? A mirror? No, I don't know. Mero. No, I don't know. Miro. You got a nice Miro? I was looking at myself in the Miro over there. And they'll fish at the yard.

They would come in? Yeah. And they would, so we didn't have computers, right? Didn't need it. what they had was an old school phone, desktop phone, but it was like a super walkie-talkie, and you'd pick it up, and it would be, the other people had to have them, okay?

Sure. So from Baltimore, we were able to contact Virginia, West Virginia, Pennsylvania. So what you would do is you would get on the fucking literally on a horn and be like, I'm looking for an 85-chiv-chiev-fumper, right-five-fumper,

85 shavet bumper I'm looking for 80 you just keep saying it and then sooner or later somebody like I got one where are you I'm down in Roanoke Ryan get the truck go down to Roanoke get that bumper and bring it back up here and I'm 17 at the time yupp

I'm just driving what do you know the markups did they tell you how much money those things they were making crazy money and so the dealers coming in they'll paint it you know it's a used part that they'll paint make it look nice but I mean we're sawing that fucking throwing it for like $100.

You're paying, what, $800 and shit? It's stupid. But the crooked shit, I used to say, oh, God, it was awesome. I miss it. I wish I could go back in time and do one of these runs one day because now I know what's going on. Yeah. But we would have these Guatemalan dudes come in, and we had friends of ours that their car would just get stolen. And I'll be like, why?

You're like the third guy. Your parents had their car stolen this week. What I realize is they're sending it to the junkyard. Junkyard's paying them for it. Junkyard's going to part it out, crush it completely. You ever see those trucks that drive the road? So my brother runs a salvage yard where he does that. Just flatten them.

Flaten them. Then they take those and they put them in this fucking dumpster of lava. It's crazy. I would see if I can get a video of it. It is literal lava and it melts it all down. and then it spits them out into pallets, aluminum pallets. When it cools, you got stacks of aluminum pallets, and they go fucking sell those pallets,

and we pay $40 for razors and shit. Right? Yeah. So they're bringing these cars in, and every, now you can't, now the serial numbers are everywhere in those fun cars, but we knew where all of them where you pop off, it was a little plate,

popped that plate off, so now the serial number's gone, it gets crushed, it goes to the Guatemalans, what happens after that ain't nobody ain't my business it ain't my fucking business

so we had friends parents you know filing insurance claims like hey my car was stolen and then they go get a nice new car and shit I didn't put that together till later I'm like oh and then one day his name is Mr. Roy

he's still alive too I just saw him recently he would like Ryan come with me and we would drive together a few miles we would go to this Walmart parking lot or Kmart whatever the fuck it was back then. And he'd be like, see that Toyota over there? I go, yeah, he goes, keys are in it. Just drive it back to the yard. And he would leave and go back to the yard. And I would drive a car back to the yard. And about the fifth or six time doing that. I'm like, why the fuck

are these cars always in the lot? Fucking keys are right here in the Sunvisor every fucking time they drop right into my lap. And then I realize I'm driving stolen cars. driving a shitload of stolen cars. They've already been reported stolen, and I'm driving them back to have those disappear. And I was like, oh, that's what's going on. All right, all right. But I like just involving kids without knowing anything.

Yeah, oh, he didn't know any better. He didn't know any better. I'm 16 years old telling a kid to go get in that car and drive it. Yeah, you do it. I couldn't wait to drive it. Yeah. And I love to drive all different things. I learned how to do a three on the tree and stuff.

I loved it. I fucking loved it. That's so fun. But it was crookedish. Eating and abetting, though. It was 100%. You're in. We also had this guy.

I talked about this in my special Lefty son. Lefty's special go out. Live and alive. Live and alive is my newer one. But Lefty son, I talk about this guy. He was a specialist. His name's Meso. He's this old fucking black dude.

And he would come up like maybe twice a year. Okay? He'd come up for one full day. And he was a fucking savant on rolling back. acometers. Okay? He could roll back. Remember,

early digital ones that looked like the alarm clock in those like Chevys. Did they used to use the drill bits to do that when they flipped them? No. This guy,

I'm telling you, this is, it was awesome. We're in Mount Airy, Maryland, which is good hour or so from the city, okay,

where the yard was. And he's like, go down and get Mesao and bring them up here. So I'm going like 9 o'clock in the morning. I'm going into fucking Baltimore

where... Real Baltimore. This, color, this tan right here? And ain't tan enough for Baltimore. This is not tan enough for that fucking neighborhood, okay? And I got to sit and wait for him in the car, right?

One time I'm waiting, I go in this mall called Mondaman Mall. I walk, I swear to God, I walk in. The first guy I pass, I hear a white boy. I said, I got right the fuck out. I was like, I'm going to sit the street in the car. I'm waiting for him outside. This old dude comes out. And he's got the first.

fucking Kangol, you know, hat on. Oh, yeah. And he's got an old school leather. Remember those doctor bags when they would make house calls? 100%. Had that tight alligator bag. Yeah. That's what this guy's got.

Good looking bag. That's what he had. That's it. We get in the car and we drive out. We talk a little bit or whatever. I'm, you know, asking him how he does all this shit and stuff. He's telling me or whatever. So I drop him off at the yard.

And then I go about my day. And at the end of the day, I take him back. Back. Back. And I'll tell you, this is exactly what he fucking said to. This is fucking so ridiculous. So it's a skinny black dude. And he's rolling them all back.

I mean, you know, again, you think you're buying an engine with 25,000 miles on it. That shit had a hundred and forty-two thousand. It's been cleaned up and shit. You know what I mean? A lot of that going on, a lot. You're making so much more money off that low-mileage motor, man. That's low mileage. How's this yard have all these low mileage motors?

We specialize in low mileage motors? That's what we do. That's what we do. When they crash them early, we jump on. We ambulance chase. So he's telling me how he does it with like the little screws and like how he'll get in there and just almost like a fucking watch guy. You know what I'm talking about the way those little pieces are. So intricate.

So intricate. And back then, Digital's new. So he even figured out how to go and reset those and shit. That was probably easier at the. In that day, because it was brand new. And I just casually say, man, that's something. And then he does this. It's the whole bit about old black man wisdom.

And he just goes, I don't know this guy or anything. He goes, that ain't shit. He goes, you want to know what something is? And I go, yeah. Like, any time an old black dude wants to tell me anything, wisdom, I'm fucking listening. Yeah. I'm always listening. You want to hear what something is.

And I was like, damn right. I want to know what something. He goes, put your dick in your land. left hand. I was like, what? He goes, put your dick in your left hand. I was just looking at it. And you put your right one over it. And if you got anything still sticking

out of the top, that's something. And then he got out of the car. And I never saw him again for the rest of the that. That's a true story. That's so good. If you, you know damn well, I went home, I pulled all my, I was pulled all my skin back.

Like, give me a little. Is that something? That's something. That's up then. I might have a little something in it. What's his name? Say his name again? M-A-S-O, bro.

He's probably long, I hope he's around. Was he old then? Yeah, he's probably in his like 60s or so then. This is a good... I miss the days when there was scamming like that. I mean, there's different scams now. Like, do you remember black boxes,

the black cable rip-offs? God, I love black box. Do you even know what that was? God, that was incredible. When you knew guys, I could get you a black box. We had, um, scientific Atlanta. Yeah.

And my dad, came home one time he's like I'm gonna try this new thing out guys at work says it's this thing in the paper where guys got one I'm like what is he's like it's a scrambler and then we got the black box but you get every channel everything on the

scrambling and then it would reset yeah yeah okay listen just this is whatever you know I'm I got my money started coming in recently okay not that long ago when I was doing the crab

Feast podcast. I had illegal cable. I had illegal direct TV. This dude came to set the direct TV up. And he goes, he starts talking to me. And I go, what's the pitch? And he goes, every fucking channel. I go, but what happens when they scramble it? He goes, you call me. I give you a new code. I go, get the fuck out of here. For two years. For two years, I had it. I paid him one time. He fucking, and then it was so funny because it would go out. but it lasts six months then it'll go out it'd be a minute for I get a hold of him like a week he'd give you new code yeah every time and then one time he goes your box is broke I go all right he goes come meet me I'll give you a new one I go get the fuck out of here I go where you want to meet and he's trying to tell me like where to meet around LAX and I go any chance you're right

near to wild goose he goes how do you know the wild goose you remember that there was a strip bar oh yeah a wild goose two actually is I thought and a friend of mine took me there a one time and he i'll never forget this is a mother and daughter team i was like i ain't coming back to this fucking place so one-two punch kids i ain't coming back to this fucking place and uh he goes how do you know the wild goose i'm like don't worry about how i know the wild goose you want to meet at the wild goose i meet him at just the park a lot you know he hands me the box and i've gone but for two years i had it he got you good we had the black box we also had um oh what was the other one we would get to the where you could scramble or descramble like Spice TV.

Remember Spice? Oh yeah. Spice Channel was called. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you could de-scramble that too with something. I forget what that was. Like Radio Shack shit. Right, right.

I never got anything at Radio Shack, but that's where you could go to get the like that kind of shit. God bless nerds, that's what it was. Because nerds were like, nerds were definitely figuring it out. Once things went tech, nerds were like, you want to have, you want to see porn? You're like, yeah, like we found a way to get you as much as you need. It was incredible. Watching the TV rotate through, sometimes that would get a little unscramble to get real close.

Oh, and it would stick for like four seconds. You could see a tito right there. You're like, here we go. That's what we're all doing here, guy. I always thought somebody was like at a data center somewhere. You know what I mean? Just fucking. You know, kids are going to love this for a minute.

Watch. Just for two minutes. You know, we had a scientific Atlanta box. and then there was another one Comcast we had too and but if you lived in that area that's the cable you got you got Comcast so we all had the same box you like you go to your buddy's house the same box same controller mm-hmm so one night we're in middle school and we just start going running around a neighborhood and we take our controller and we just start going to other people's houses and we're sitting

you know East Coast Midwest you got a basement window that's right here and the basement in the ground but the windows right here the We're just laying right there. We are changing this guy's TV. He is going nuts. We are like seventh grade out there fucking pissing ourselves. But he's like, what the fuck? He's throwing a controller.

God damn it. This is so good. The Panasonic's on the fridge. The Panasonic is definitely on the fridge. Because they were all universal remotes. It was the same thing anywhere you go has ever changed everybody's shit. You know what the funny one was? This is how you know, this is the time period.

You would go over to somebody's house. and they'd have nine fucking remotes. No doubt. Nine of them. It would be the cable, the TV, the sound system if they had an audio system. VCR. VCR, DVD player. They had nine fucking, and they go, not that.

No, no, no, no, no, it's that one. It should be labeled. Don't. Well, take the batteries on and a fucking VCR one and put them into DVD. It should be labeled. Well, I don't have enough time to get new double-ways. Remember they sold a controller catty? Yeah.

Someone came up with a controller catty and there was somebody. Too many fucking controllers. It was like a meal kit. It was so many. Meso should have carried him in that little bag. I got your controller right here. What do you want to operate? The Mesao, the year of the Mesao, you need to write a store.

I want to get one of those bags. You need to write a book about the year of the Mesao. It's just the junkyard. The junkyard alone is great. Also, here's one of the best things about it. Again, we are children. Yeah, everyone's underage. You're high school kids.

severely under, not even high school. We start in seventh grade we start. So in ninth grade, yeah, we're driving cars. Yeah. But all for us. So it was a big lot, acres and acres. And it was all dirt roads. He's owned by one family?

Just, yep. Yeah. My friend Shannon's dad, Mr. Roy Patterson. And he was like an idiot savant. Like, it's so funny to me that everyone's like, oh, you might be on the spectrum. Listen, we're all on the spectrum for something. If you're a baseball guy and you know all your stats, you fucking on the spectrum him with that. He's definitely a car

guy where he can tell you the fucking fender that'll be, oh, that's good for 78 to 82. Like, they'll know it. That's wild to me. And then he would say, Ryan, just you come in and you want a fucking, you know, a deck lid off the back of this car. Ryan, go up to the main aisle,

make a right, it's about halfway down on your left. That he remembers where it is. Knew where all of it was. Never had any inventory. Never had, just all here. That's beautiful. And his son now has a junkyard in Baltimore where I just shot that little junkyard series I did with my brother and my friends and that and he's

in the digital age I say everything has got to be scanning beeped and accounted for and no doubt so no scamming going on there he's letting us drive we all had a yard car and a yard car was anything that would run no matter how beat up it was and again

year 14 you don't give a fuck if that door is missing you like it yeah you just I had a delta 88 I had a fucking Nissan Pathfinder I had all kinds of cars. And they were barely holding on these cars. They're getting their yard cars.

They're just meant to go around the yard and, you know, pick up parts and then come down. A guy needs a seat. I'm going up and getting it. But every now and then, these fucking rednecks were like, I'll go up with you. I'm like, okay. And I laugh at it now. Like, there's no fucking way. Like my age, getting in a car, the eighth grader and he's taking me up on the fucking hill.

Dude, I would drive grown-ass men that had kids older than me to go. get these parts and the thing. So we all start driving like that and learn how to drive. So by the time we were 16, we'd been driving up there for years. Were you learned stick out of the yard? That's how you learned stick. What was the first car you learned stick on? Do you remember?

My first car, I truly learned, learn on. No, the yard cars were automatics. All of them. Yeah. It was too hard to drive. For us, you know, those old dudes could do it. We weren't ready yet. I didn't really have my friction point fucking mastered yet. You know, I'm talking about my clutch game. Not tons.

I did too much come in there to touch sensitive. Too built up. My dad had a Honda Civic 89. So my brother,

I have a twin brother, you know, so we both took our test in that car in March with snow on the ground and it's a four speed. Holy shit.

And to this day, I wish my father was alive. Even my brother admits it. That motherfucker he Hollywooded that stop sign at the end.

He rolled through it. He slowly rolled through a stop. I'm standing next to my dad because I'm going next. He's doing the course now. I get to go next. My dad goes, he failed. He rolled that stop sign. I said, he sure did. The guy comes out and passed him. My dad goes, he rolled the stop sign. And my brother even's like, I did roll that fucking stop. But like, how the fuck did this guy pass you? So I go, I only lost two points. I still passed. But my points, I'll remember him vividly.

I parallel park, no problem. My little reverse. No camera. I joke about that in my other special how my core and everything is so much softer. Yeah, now? You used to have to step down hard here and push back and shit, you know. Now it's just look at a camera. But I didn't signal to pull out of my parking space to enter the flow of traffic. And as I did, because the snow was on the ground, I peel wheels a little bit on the ice. It's rear wheel drive, I bet, right?

Front. Oh, it was front. It was front. But that's whatever. Whatever. Those are my two points. I had rear wheel, and I slipped everywhere in Chicago. When you have rear wheel drive in the snow, you will hit stuff. Oh, you hit stuff all the fucking time.

It was impossible to control. When I was a FedEx driver, they were all a rear wheel in Minnesota. You were a FedEx driver? In Minnesota in the winter. Yeah. I worked at UPS. Shout out the UPS Palmer. Homeur, I remember I enjoy Avenue.

The driver's helper, I started. UPS? That's what I was going to tell you. Like, the criminal element in UPS is, I could go, I could do a, I could do a podcast series on how awesome that fucking shit was. It was so fucking crooked. Like, I started as a driver's helper during the holidays, okay?

And I've told this, I've never told you this story, so, um, there's a, a Christmas, you know, it gets packed. Yeah.

And Baltimore is house after house after house. It's not the suburbs where it, it's like Roe homes. We are packed. This dude, I have no job. I can't get a job for the life of me. I'd move back from here.

after the earthquake hit. How old are you? What? And you're 20? 22. Yeah. After Northridge earthquake. Is that your time?

Yeah. I came out here because I got accepted to North Ridge. In the morning I woke up to drive out here. I'm staying at Shannon's place. And his mom's shaking me awake. And she's like, I think I'm dreaming. There's a TV. She's got the TV on.

She's, I'm downstairs in their basement. She's like, Ryan, you don't have a school anymore. Ryan. And I'm, you know, I'm thinking, oh, I'm dreaming. And I wake up and I'm like, what the fuck? And I'm leaving that morning. to drive to that school that just got destroyed. And I go anyway.

And I end up finishing a semester there. And when I come back, it's just, you know, enrollment has tripled. I'm considered out of state. They won't give me priority. So they're like, we'll give you a loan to live here. I'm like, I'm going to fucking take a college loan just to live here. So I went back, finished up, and then came back out. And when I went back, I got a job at UP.

I couldn't get a fucking job. I go downtown to the unemployment office. Okay? they put me in this room there are I'm not exaggerating 80 people in there I'm the white person

person one white person everyone looks at you and you want everyone's looking at me and it's a little thing where you know these companies are coming in like the fed whatever well UPS guys come in and I was like oh fuck yeah I could I could do a driver's helper

you know I'll be running and keep me in shape whatever I'll do that. Something to do. So it turns out that the guy that normally had my route for years and years, his name was Mike, he had gotten injured. So they got this new driver who's a younger dude, older than me, but he's probably in his 30s, you know. And they go, we're going to have you work with him. I go, great. And they go, here's the best part.

He does his next day airs from 9 to 10 a.m. Right after that, he's going to pick you up at your house because he goes right by your house. going to run your neighborhood. I was like, oh, fuck you. Oh, my God. So I just walk out in my brown outfit. He beeped the horn. I roll out of my house to go start the day.

And you're going, I mean, I don't know what FedEx would do, but they would let you do. We'd work till 9, 10 o'clock at night, just during the holidays, just so many packages. Yeah. And they had a rule in Baltimore. If you would knock, if they're not home, you were to place the package out of sight, out of weather. Okay. So you could put it under their deck or whatever.

So we're doing that. We're doing that. We're doing that. And one day, I go to this house. And the rule we had set up was he runs packages on the driver's side. It's on my side. I'm running this side. Hey, if there's a hundred of them today, tough luck for me. So I go up to this door, and I'm knocking on the door, and I can hear people. They don't answer.

And, you know, he's, we're hustling. He's like, let's go. They're in there. I can hear them. He goes, go around back, try. And if they're not there, just leave. I said, okay, so I go around the back door, I beat on the back door, and I can hear someone in there doing shit. Like, they're there.

And then I just say, fuck it. And I leave the package out of sight and out of weather. That night we get back to the hub, and the supervisor comes over the way. How about that crazy guy on your route to that? And I'm like, what, we're out for 12 hours? What fucking crazy guy? There's a hundred of them out there. He goes, the guy that killed people.

And we're like, what? You can look this up. I told this on Stavvy's pod, we looked it up. It's a true fucking story. The house I'm knocking on, the package I'm delivering, while I'm knocking on the door, the shit I'm hearing going on inside is a guy burying two bodies in his basement.

Shut the fuck. That's your package. I'm going to the front end of the back. One second! I'm about to be the next fucking dead one. I'm going around the bag of the house. Holy shit. And I'm like, what are you talking about?

And it turns out the story is that this guy at that house I guess he owed some people some money told them to meet him at a park called Patapsco Park out where I lived at the time well used to before I worked there Carroll County and when these two guys meet him

he kills him brings him back to his house tries to bury him in his basement what happened was the one of the guys had just had a baby with his girlfriend and they had the baby in the car So the baby was fine I always had to say that

But the reason the police even got called Was because the mother was like Where's my baby? Where's my baby? This guy's not fucking answering Like what the fuck's going on And I'm like Are we gonna have to go to fucking court

He's like Nah this is textbook Like that girl's like Well here's the two people He went to meet This is where they went to meet That's where that guy fucking lives Damn

So they go to the house It's all in the paper This piece of shit tries to dig up his basement To bury him But he hits a waterp and it floods the basement. Now the body is just laying in there floating and shit.

For real. He's also the type of piece of shit that had like three cars on the yard. And again, I come from a junkyard. That car might not work. That door's good. Hood's good. We'll give you $300 for that right now. He could have easily sold those cars.

Made that money. I'm telling you, they tell you what the number was in there. It's an embarrassing low amount of money to kill two people. You got it to say? The murders were reportedly linked. to a $1,200 drug debt. $1,200. Just pay him off.

He had three shitty car. He could easily got money for that. Right. Or at least to pay him in chunks. $1,000 is not $12,000. $12,000, two bodies. I get it. Two bodies, bro.

You got to go. You got to go. You got to go. $1,200 is paying off in chunks. It's ridiculous. That's crazy. December 15th, 1994. Ninety-four.

And then what did he start? This guy's probably still in? You know what? No, he's out by now. No, he's probably double murder He's in for life But it took a long time for it to like actually get sentenced It took him a while

Yeah He might have been like 2000 or something Well he was convicted in April of 1996 A couple years later Two years later he got some years a long time So he gets time served and then how long did he serve? What does it say? I bet he I bet you they gave him 12 years For a double murder

And burying I'm telling you I hear some of these times For murder they get like 10 to 15 years You give a Coke charge They give them eight Like, what? It doesn't say how long?

No. He was sentenced to life imprisonment without the possibility of parole. Oh, good. A consecutive term of 20 years imprisonment. Matt Joe Green versus the state of Maryland. Wait, wait, 20 years? It was life plus 20? Yes.

It's always funny when they talk like that. That consecutive year shit, too, is like, what do you talk? consecutive sentences. Because life's not a real. 20, usually. 18 with good behavior. It's not a real thing. Yeah.

So I knew a guy at UPS also. This is one of my favorite. You talk about characters. This was full of characters. The theft, again, the theft that went. Oh, so going back to that real quick. So we're out doing our Christmas runs. And then one day a supervisor is like, hey, man, you guys are missing a lot of packages.

I'm like, no, we're not. Back then they had a scanner called a Diad. It was brand new. It was almost as big as a fucking tablet. Okay, yeah. And I was the only driver's helper in the whole fucking district that, did one. My guy's doing one I'm doing one. So that's how I

eventually, they're like, you're not like anybody else. They bring me in. I start as an unloader. I go to sorting. I drive the E-reg train with all the black dudes. There's four black guys and me doing the E-Rae. I got an eight-cart orange airport cart snaking through. They had to train

me how to do it. If you fuck up, you jam up, then you jam the whole thing up. And you're doing it in front of everybody. And they're like, there he is, white boy fucking and all out. I'm like, shut the fuck up, Greg Bank. They did this shit all the time But I rose through the ranks Quickly became a supervisor

All right So we're like We're we're hitting every fucking package And what ended up happening So then they sent lost prevention out to follow us And what happened was These criminals, they're so good There's a guy following us

Six, seven stops behind us He's stealing everything Smart And Lost Prevention's three, four behind him Catching him do that Mm-hmm So you get him. Other guys would do the thing where, like, if you were the guy that packed the brown truck that's going to go out to the neighborhoods, they would go over to their, the truck that would go to their neighborhood.

You with me? And tape a package in the wheel well that they wanted. So you might be loading a studio city truck, but let's say you live in Van Nuys. You go over to the Van Nuys, but they're all right there. He goes over to the Van Nuys package car. you stick that fucking package up in the wheel well tomorrow morning when that truck parks in the neighborhood and the guy gets out and he's dollying

right out of that wheel well and now you got your fucking package. Genius. Non-stop with this shit. They called them sweepers and they would have these people so when a box comes through and it breaks open

or whatever we'll tape it back up if it can be. They have people that sit there in the cage and it's usually expensive shit, TVs and stuff and there was this one lady it's always because they just get one greedy one extra time she had been sending shit to her sister $20,000 worth of electronics

and got too greedy on one thing and they got her Yeah My favorite was I'm a supervisor at this point You gotta wear a tie shirt and tie You're down there yelling at everybody And you get paid once a month That was the thing

Try being 20 fucking three getting paid once a month It sucks Yeah Well it was also in the hayes day of the, you know, 10 DVDs for a penny and all that bullshit, or CDs for a penny and shit. Those were getting stolen left and right.

Right? So they put the fucking purple dye packs in there. It's summer in those trucks. It's already 90 degrees outside. In that truck's 110, 110, 115. These two black dudes have a system going, and they, but loss prevention knows it. They set them up, pull those boxes

open to steal, boom, it explodes all over them. purple fucking like paint all over and the worst part that you don't know is that you naturally want to wipe it and the more you wipe

the worse it spreads the worse it spreads so I'm in the office upstairs before I'm about to start my shift these two black dudes come in covered in purple I start laughing

so I'm like fuck you man ain't funny honky I'm like it's ridiculous you guys just lost your jobs for some CDs and you're purple right now you're painted purple

you got to go into that office and sit down and have a conversation while you're covered in purple. These dudes would do shit like so now I'm a supervisor. So I go in, driver's helper, then I go in and I do unload, just unload and box. Boom, boom, boom. Then they pay you a buck more if you can sort packages. So I'm like, I'm going to go learn to sort. To this day, I still know zip codes in Maryland and California.

1-99 in Delaware, yellow belt. California's orange belt, Buffalo's blue belt. I knew all the belt. You had to have no years. What I didn't know Andrew Santino back in 1995 was that there was an Ontario, California. I'd only ever heard of Ontario, Canada. Canada, yeah. And I got a truckload of boxes, big heavy boxes, hundreds of them, all going to Ontario CA.

Your boy's pumping them down to international belt. Pumping them. I mean, bang. C-A-N. C-A-N. Until the big red light. all the conveyor belt shut down the whole fucking warehouse shuts down. Holy shit.

Who the fuck's throwing California down the international belt? I know it ain't me. I know they ain't talking to me. Who the fuck's throwing Ontario, California? I said, I came out of my trail. I was like, there's an Ontario, California. Like, God damn it. That's me, bro.

They had to pull a whole other tractor trailer, get other people to go now unload the mistake, bring it back through for me to put through. Dude, shit like that. Okay. But these guys, they would, so when your truck backs up to the wall, when you're unloading, naturally some packages fall out of the bay. And it's your job after you're done unloading your trailer to go outside. You take one of those, like you've seen the post office bins, like those cardboard things,

and you get the loose package, you throw them in there and you put them on the rollers and you send them over. But that's when they would steal. So loss prevention would come to me all the time. like this guy's stealing. I'm like, man, I like him. He's like, watch what he's doing. And you would see him. They like the package and they would set it off to the side. And they'd unload, unload, and eventually just kick it up to the front a little bit more, a little bit more. And then, oops, that package fell out. Now it's outside. 15 minutes later, we'll get that package. Unload, unload, unload. Guy goes outside, comes back in, new boots on, brand new timberland.

He was just in that trailer. And so raggedy his boots, he went outside. to clean up packages, came back, he's got a brand new pair. And listen, when I tell you, these are black dudes. Yeah. These are baby blue tims, okay? They're not fucking just a regular color tint. You went out with some busted up black boots and came in with some brand new baby blue tims. And they would lasso their shoes and they would throw them up on the roof.

So the Lost Prevention guy would show me all the shoes up on the fucking roof. I'm like, get the fuck out. But he had got off the property. And the rule is, once you're off the property, it's theirs. So Timberlin would fucking call and say, hey, we got a box of old fucking shoes in here.

What the fuck is this? Or our box is empty. Like, what the fuck? And they would go right to that trailer because it's all tracked. We know Andrew Santino was in there during this time. And then they watched the video.

They see you do it all, right? So they called a guy in to fire him. This motherfucker came in the Thames. I swear he did. Put his feet up on the desk. He came right in with him. No problem. they were like, this motherfucker's wearing the tip

because they couldn't do anything. It was his now. Right. Shit like that nonstop. He had a pen. It's the first time I've ever seen the camera pen. He put it right here in the pole. You couldn't tell. And he'd be watching all the fucking trails. The Lost Prevention guy? He'd go out in the package car.

You know his metal package car? In February, it would be like three degrees. He would sit in there, freeze, just watching them steal. He loved it. Jesus Christ. He loved it. There was such a good criminal fucking mind there. Now, I've never said this anywhere, so I'm going to give you an exclusive here. I stole something when I was a supervisor. Let's go.

We, and I mean, I'm, I have, again, I've got no parents. This is my job. I'm putting myself through school. They know I'm going to California. I'm leaving. I'm leaving. You ain't going to know where you're going to be stuck here like us? I'm like, no, I'm not Greg Bagan's.

I'm getting the fuck out of here. You'll see. So we on the East Coast UPS at the time was like the official shipper for MLB, NFL, we get Buffalo Bills, you get a lot of East Coast team ships coming up. Well, 1990 fucking, I think it was five, Cal's breaking the streak. And they're using a special ball at the stadium that night. It's got orange stitches and it's 21, 31 on it. It's got Cal's number on it.

and they're going to just be used for that fucking game only, okay? Calerbkin Jr. for people that aren't up on it. Yeah, Calerickman Jr. He's breaking the streak, 2131. It's going to be that night. And a fucking box of these balls breaks open. How did it break open? Genuinely, this box broke open.

How broke open? I don't know. It broke open. But I was also a sweeper at the time, too. I mean, before I was a supervisor, sweepers are, like, if there's any irregular package, is anything you could tear the belt up?

So if you're going to send a transmission or something, you put it on this metal slide, and then I come by in my orange cart train, pull it off, and I take it over to the truck it's supposed to go to so it doesn't rip the conveyor belts. Packages only on the belts, anything with a wood thing around,

it's got to go down the metal slide, and the cart's got to take it around. So you would go, trail to trailer, and there would be naturally just the truth is if you really want to know Santino a lot of the loaders are lazy and they build a beautiful fake wall about three quarters back and then they throw

everything else over that fucking wall. Okay, that's what they do. They don't pack that truck like it's supposed to be all the way. They build a false wall that looks immaculate and then they throw shit up just yeah. So naturally shit gets busted,

heavier boxes fall and it falls on this box and the balls are laying out there and I'm just like and then I go outside and there's one outside on the ground and it's probably about 3 a.m. We're about to shut everything down and I'm like

and I put it in my pocket and I keep thinking about it. I know Homeboy's not out there and I got it in my fucking pocket and I'm like shit. But I also know that when I go through that guard shack that the black dude out there is going to be on the phone like this

and he's going to have his metal wand he's going to be talking to his homies and when you walk through he's going to go he ain't doing shit he ain't wanding anybody he also got caught he was also letting people take shit out too sure he wasn't wand yeah

but I was like you ain't gonna get there's nothing in this ball that's gonna set a wand off so I fucking stole it I fucking stole it I couldn't believe I've never admitted this wait to hear what happened with it

I have it is at the studio this is what karma's all about so I steal it I have this ball forever I still, whenever the Orioles will come to Anaheim, I would go to the games. I at least go to one of the three. And Cal was very good about giving his autograph because he didn't want it to be worth a lot. He didn't want autographed people, fucking people over for this thing.

So he would stand early in sign and then after the game and sign a good hour. So I knew that. So I got there for batting practice. You know, early as fuck. I'm out in Anaheim. I take a girl I'm seeing at the time. wanted to go. So the two of us are, I'm like, I'm going to get Cal to sign this ball.

I've had it for years now. Maybe a good chunk of years. I'm finally going to get Cal to sign this ball. And we're next. This little kid in front of him gives him his pen, Cal signs, and he moves off. And I give him my ball, and the kid forgot his pen. But I got mine.

And Cal goes, you want me just use this pen? I go, sure. You fucking die. Ruins. Ruins it. And he goes, Oh, man, it died. Do you want me to sign in a different spot or just over?

I guess over it. Just over it. So I got the ball in the studio and you can see cow over cow over cow. It ain't worth shit. That's what you get. That's what I fucking get, dude. That's what I fucking get. Got you beautiful creature. I could talk to you for about 10 hours straight. Plug what you want to plug, my prince.

Go watch my special live and alive. Watch the honey do the way back. Start with Santino's episodes. They're fucking fantastic. It's one of the most fun podcasts I've ever done. Thank you. Come back. I will. I've only done it once.

I will. I'll come back. And go check my website, Ryan Sickler.com. Come see me on the road. Go to Ryan Sickler. com. Please go watch this special. We'll put the link in the description down below.

And we end the show the same way. You look into that camera. Say one word or one phrase to end the episode. Word of wisdom or just something quick? One word or one phrase? That's something. In here, we pour wisdom. Whiskey, whisk, whisk, whiskey.

You were that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Ginger's a fugitive. You owe me $5 for the whiskey horse. Ginger's, ah hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger.

I like gingers.