Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Sam Morril Live In Vancouver at JFL Northwest

Episode Date: February 21, 2020

Santino sits down with Sam Morril to talk about his new special that's BLOWING up on YouTube, how Canadians are lovable weirdos and we play a fun would you rather game with the audience live from Vancouver at Just For Laughs. WATCH SAM'S NEW SPECIAL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Xo3Fq7GGWk&t=141s TICKETS AT http://www.andrewsantino.com/ FEB 28 DETROIT, MICHIGAN FEB 29 ATLANTA, GEORGIA MAR 6-7 PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA MAR 13 CHICAGO, ILLINOIS MAR 19-21 - MOHEGAN SUN, CONNECTICUT MAR 27 CINCINNATI, OHIO MAR 28 CLEVELAND, OHIO APR 10 PORTLAND, OREGON APR 11 SEATTLE, WASHINGTON APR 16-18 MIAMI, FLORIDA APR 19 WEST PALM, FLORIDA APR 24-25 - SPOKANE, WASHINGTON MAY 9 PHOENIX, ARIZONA JUN 5-7 SAN DIEGO, CA JOIN OUR PATREON!!! : https://www.patreon.com/whiskeygingerpodcast BUY SOME MERCH: https://shop-andrew-santino.myshopify.com FOLLOW CHEETO: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ FOLLOW CHEETO TWITTER: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino FOLLOW SAM ON INSTA: https://www.instagram.com/sammorril/?hl=en FOLLOW WHISKEY GINGER ON INSTAGRAM: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeygingerpodcast/ FOLLOW WHISKEY GINGER ON TWITTER: https://twitter.com/whiskeyginger_ SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS OR WE’LL COME FIND YOU AND KILL YOU...FOR REAL GET THE RELEIF YOU NEED FROM JOINT PAIN WITH ALL NATURAL CBD INFUSED OMAX CRYO FREEZE. GO TO https://omaxhealth.com AND USE PROMO CODE "WHISKEY" FOR %20 OFFF Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What up, Whiskey Ginger fans? Welcome back to the show. If this is your first time joining the show, thank you so much. Please subscribe and like and all that good stuff. Link it in the Twitter and Instagram and tell everyone how much you enjoy the show. That would mean a lot to me if you're returning. Yeah, you know what's up. Welcome, BizZak. So happy about this episode. It's incredible. We did it live from JFL Northwest in Vancouver, Canada, Northwest in Vancouver, Canada, with the incredible Sam Morrell, who is not only just a hilarious joke writer, but also is just quick and fun and has a great bedroom voice. The dude is the best. And as you know, I'm on tour right now. Tomorrow, I'm going to be in Bakersfield, California. If you're anywhere near, come out, see me. Got two shows. Next weekend, I will be in Detroit, February 28th, and then Atlanta, February 29th, and then the first week

of March, I'm going to be in Philly. Shout out to Philly, bro. Philly, come out, see me, dude, in Philly, dude, my thing, house, home, over to you. That's more Baltimore, but whatever. What's the difference? They all sound the same to me, But Philly is March 5, 6, 7. Then I go to Chicago on the 13th of March. Then I'm in Connecticut at Mohegan Sun. And then at the end of March, of course, I'm in Cincinnati the 27th and in Cleveland on the 28th. All the rest of the dates are up at andrewsantino.com. You know where to find me on tour.

That's where you go to get the Patreon. Please join the Patreon. That's where you get great merch. The merch store is incredible. But all that stuff is available on andrewsantino.com. I hope you love it as much as I do. But right now, enjoy the episode. Is this on?

There we are. We're here. Hi. What's up? How are you guys? The music was supposed to be louder. Very Canadian, though, to make it quiet and polite. It was going to be... There it is. It's... There it is. It's there. We'll let it play out. Great. How are you guys? You good? This is very fun. Thank you

so much for coming out. I know I'm looking up and not down at you guys, but they're the most important people up in the high balcony. Thank you so much for coming up there. Are those seats good from up there? Yeah? Okay, cool. I'm excited. I'm glad.

We've only done this a few times, but I love doing a live podcast. Guys, please sit down. You're ruining the show. Thanks for coming. We've only done it a few times, and this is ruining the show. Thanks for coming. We've only done it a few times, and this is fun every time. I get lucky to have certain people come, depending on what city I'm in,

to coordinate it when we do the live shows. This person I want to bring out in a second is, I'm a fan of as a comedian and as a dude. I think he's fucking incredible. He has a special that's out right now that you can watch on YouTubes. You guys have YouTube? You understand that, right? It's called I Got This.

He is phenomenal. He's on a million other things, but we'll talk about it when he's up here. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce Sam Morrell. Sam Morrell! Hey, buddy. Please sit. Hello. How are you? Sam, thank. Please sit. Hello. How are you?

Sam, thank you so much. We should pour a little bit of something something. Yeah. And I'll, you know, I like to do this. You don't have to do this if you don't want to. But I like to say the intro with you guys if you want to say it together because we're recording the show. This is going to be an episode. Can we dim the lights a little bit?

Because I'm not, I don't look good under these lights. There we go. So you guys want to do the intro with me, with Sam? You guys know the intro, obviously. So do you want to do it? You ready? Yes? Okay. So go ahead, sir. Why don't you start it then for us? Go ahead. We'll follow your lead. Go. Take it away. Say it! Come on. You gonna do it or not? Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on Earth.

I say that for all my guests, but I mean it once again today. It's Sam Morrell. Sam Morrell, you guys. Canadians are so fucking polite. He was cool to yell, but then he didn't want to say it we're drinking bullet bourbon I don't know if you guys are drinking cheers to you you have to look me in the eyes you know that right

of course yeah that's how I know that you're gay no no I know because we kiss guys Sam's special is out right now it has 452,000 views give it up for that shit

hey man yeah fight the power fight the power. Fight the power. Is that your... Yeah, that's the answer to what's going on is you doing your own special on YouTube, right? I mean, yeah. People are like, you fucking did it.

I'm like, I had no choice, you know? I had no offer. So I was like, yeah, I'm going to shoot it. It was a forced hand, right? It was a forced hand, but... Yeah, but also, this is Comedy Central's way of kind of catching up to what's going on, don't you think? I guess.

Right? Isn't that what's happening now? I guess, yeah. You know, I did my last one with them, and it was on their website, and there's a commercial every three minutes. Would you watch any fucking special if you had to stop every three minutes? Yeah, that's insane. Exactly. So no one watched it. And I was like, well, that was two years of my life. No big deal.

Just the only thing I care about more than anything else. I'm going to put my special on Quibi. You have to watch it in six-second chunks. Holy shit, this is a hip crowd. They know what Quibi is. Where do you find these people? The streets, baby. My peeps are from the streets.

Yeah, no, dude, I do think it's the answer. I think it's a good thing. Raise your hand if you've seen Sam's special. I got this on YouTube. Raise your hand, yeah, if you're real. Yeah, no, dude, I do think it's the answer. I think it's a good thing. Raise your hand if you've seen Sam's special. I got this on YouTube. Raise your hand, yeah, if you're a real fan. Look at that, good fans. Good, yeah. Did you like it?

How is it? It's phenomenal. Thank you. Oh, thank you. Oh, he hit you on Instagram and told you he liked it. Those are some fucking intense pants you're wearing right there. That guy's the shit. I love that.

That's right. That's fucking cool. You're a spiritual yogi man? Are you for real? Oh, very cool. Is that an occupation or a hobby? You're an oil analyst and you jump. You were and you went from oil analyst to parallel occupation,

I guess. Just depriving the world of its natural resources and then giving back something. A guilt, yeah. You went from Donald Trump to Elizabeth Warren, is what you're trying to say. Ah, wow. Who would you align with? You're a Canadian, right?

Oh, you're dual. Oh, wow. So Indiana University. If you are to vote in the United States, who would be your candidate? Bernie and Tulsi Gabbard. You go two for one. Oh, Bernie as VP and Tulsi Gabbard as the president.

I love Bernie, but how did he become the fucking guy? He's 79 with a heart condition. And we're like, this is our best hope, I guess. I don't know. That just shows you how our backs are that far against the wall. People just want someone's grandpa to run. They're like, let the old fun guy do it. He is fun.

He's been old forever. Have you ever seen videos of him? He's been old forever. I swear to God, I see him on the fucking internet from like 50 years ago. I'm like, he was old then, too. What's your favorite thing about Bernie? What do you love?

That's it. That's what you like? Yeah. That's how old he is. Oh, I thought you said, well, that's what you like about him. Yeah, he does stay. He was next to Martin Luther King. That is true.

He's kept very consistent. We do need honest people, I guess. I guess. I guess. But how do we know he's being real? How do we really know? How do you know any of these people are real? Do you trust any of these fucking people?

No. I don't trust any of these people are real? Do you trust any of these fucking people? No. Yeah, no. I trust zero of them. I don't trust any of them. They're all... I mean, Trump will lie in one sentence, then say another thing in the next sentence. Yeah, that's why he's doing so well. Do you hear what he said about Epstein when he got caught?

What? He was like, they were like, where do you stand on Epstein? He was like, not a fan. See, though? That works. I? He was like, not a fan. See, though? That works.

That works. I'm in, yeah. Not a fan. Epstein has a big fan base, so. Huge, apparently huge. Apparently huge. A lot of underagers. But he,

but it's just crazy to think, like, I've said that before. I think they're all egomaniacal nonsense bad people, so it's so fucked to even give any of them credit, right? I know that people are like, people like Bernie or a lotomaniacal nonsense bad people, so it's so fucked to even give any of them credit. I know that people like Bernie or a lot of

Democrats, we live in California, so it's like, all you hear is how bad people champion Warren or Bernie, but you're like, these people are all just still shitbags. I really don't care. I think they're all bad people. Do you want to run a country? Would you want to run a country? What kind of egomaniac shit

is that to be like, i get to be the king that's chaos you know i don't know and you guys complain i talked about this last night i remember people when we were in toronto people were talking about um justin trudeau and brown face yeah from like 25 years ago and it shook this whole country yeah they were like how dare he i'm like trump is like four days away from calling someone a fag. It's just like any minute now. He's going to do it at the debate.

He's going to be like, you're a fucking fag. Jesus. You know, he also, like Trump, you got to be worried like if you're Bernie,

like whoever runs that group is in trouble. For Bernie, it's Jews. Yeah. For Biden, it's old people. For Elizabeth Warren, it's people that lied. For Bernie, it's Jews. For Biden, it's old people. For Elizabeth Warren, it's people that

lied about being Native American, I guess. I don't know. There's not a big group of us. It's a smaller group. I like Bernie because he debates the way I've argued in every relationship. I know I don't have a chance. I just want to get my ideas heard. You know what I mean?

That's how I feel. I don't have a chance. I just want to get my ideas heard. You know what I mean? That's how I feel. So how do you feel about... I don't know how this turned political. We got into it because of Crazy Pants. Crazy Pants led us to this. But I feel like the one platform I hear constantly from Bernie, people always say that he's into giving away college tuition for free. Yeah.

What do you think? You think people should go to college for free? Yeah. You do? Why not? Yeah, see you think? You think people should go to college for free? Yeah. You do? Why not? Yeah, see, I don't think people should go to college in general. I don't, yeah. That's a better stance.

I think college is a bullshit thing. My point is, like, we're wasting good resources and ideas on people going to these places. It's a waste of your life. I think you should, if you want to go to a tech school, right, you have a specific skill, I love it. But for people that just want to go to Indiana University to get wasted for four fucking years and

end up being an oil driller and then a yogi man, it's like, that didn't, we could have time jumped that. You know what I mean? Yeah, also people that, anyone who talks about what school they went to when they're older is a piece of shit. Piece of shit. You ever hear Trump be like, I went to Warden and you're like, that was like 50 years ago. Get over it. That is true. You ever hear Trump be like, I went to Warden, and you're like, that was like 50 years ago.

Yeah, yeah. Get over it. That is true. You know what bothers me? Also, this happens in the United States that you guys probably don't see as much. Men, grown adult businessmen, because we travel a lot at the airport, they will wear polo shirts with their school fucking symbol on it. It drives me nuts.

How about a class ring? Oh, fuck off. Anything sadder than a class ring? Fuck off. Oh, my gosh. Anything sadder than a class ring? Fuck off. Oh, my gosh. You fucking loser. You loser. Develop a personality.

How fucking hard did you peak at 18 that you're walking around in a class ring? Class ring. So sad. It hurts my feelings when I see that. I hate it. That's what happens. I don't know. That's not.

Is there pride? Who's a Canadian local there? How about you in the hat there, sir, in the second row? Are you from here? You're from here? Yeah? A Canadian at heart. Now, did you go to university? You're in it right now. Which one are you at? SFU. So you have to tell

me more what that is. That's just letters to me. What is it? Simon Fraser University. Does everyone know Simon Fraser? Is it a good institution? It is. What are you studying there?

Talk to old crazy pants up here. Give you some balance and perspective. So you're trying to save the earth a little bit? You're doing your best. Cool? That doesn't sound promising at all. No, we're fucked, yeah. Doing my best.

We're fucked. It's over, guys. And you guys are like, you should see, your air is so clean here. You should see the states, man. Oh my God. Fuck, LA just smells like broken dreams

and sadness. Yeah. It's a bunch of, everything in LA, it's all like, LA kind of feels like everyone is on those MyCam websites, you know?

Everyone's on MyFreeCams. I feel like that's Los Angeles in a nutshell. But that's good. So you're at that university. Are you happy that you're going to school for that or do you think you're

kind of waning through life looking for what you're supposed to do? A little bit of both. And that's a good thing. That's a good place to be. How many years old are you on this earth? 26. So you started university at what age? Very cool. You took some time off after high school? Fuck yeah. So you really are doing it kind of the right way. See, that's this I agree with. If you take some time in your life, you figure it out and you go, I want to go to school for that.

You went specifically for that thing, right? You're a good example. Yeah, fuck Bernie. You're a good example. Now, you're paying, right, for school. I guess the real question I'm getting to is, like, what does it cost to go to that school? So $2,500 a semester. So that would be $5,000.

I'm taking three courses, so maybe a little bit more if you're taking more courses. So $2,500 a semester. So that would be $5,000... To give or take like $6,000 or $7,000 a year. Yeah, so American, that's like $98. That's pretty cheap. I'm bad with the conversion, but whenever they pay me, I'm like, this feels like a lot less money than I was promised. I would not have come for this conversion. The only thing you need to know about the conversion

is ours is doing better now, so I feel less guilty about buying a lot of stuff. When I buy shit, I'm like, but it's, you know, fuck it. I think. I always do the math in my favor, and it's like, I fucking, you know, you risk your life to get the fucking coronavirus

to come here, you know? It's like... Yeah, and they think, see, that's not funny to them because some of them have it. Yeah. That's why that's unfortunate. It's really.

No, I swear to God, the amount of people you see in masks, in customs, I'm like, I'm going to get it. Yeah. I freaking know it. I thought about that the whole time. Yeah. We said that on the way over on the plane. I thought, this is a coastal city that's very heavily influenced by Asian, Asia, Asia

flights, lots of Asia flights, boats, flights. I got freaked out as I was in the air. Oh, Asia flights. Lots of Asia flights. Boats, flights. I got freaked out as I was in the air. Oh my God, if you're racist, this is not going to do anything for you. It really, it's going to tip you in the wrong direction. Yeah, big time. You just look, look at them. Yeah.

There they go. Spreading it around with their good food. The food here is interesting too. Let's talk a little bit of shit about what we've done so far. You just got in today. I got in like 30 minutes ago. I know.

And honestly, I'm so appreciative that you showed up for this. And I'm still feeling it. Give it up for fucking Sam. Oh, yeah. He literally landed on a plane, came here,

landed on a plane, landed, landed, and then came right here. So I've been here for a couple days. We've both been to Canada many times,

different parts. Vancouver is great. I like Vancouver a lot. My problem problem is my problem is all right the food influence here is so south asian that it's in all the stuff like i just wanted uh we just wanted um we just wanted chicken like a breaded chicken strips or whatever yeah and they had to have um like a spice on it do you know what I mean? Don't do that. Just give me the fucking...

Chickpeas is in every fucking thing. Will you guys cut it out with the chickpeas? Nobody likes chickpeas that much. They're not that good. I got pizza here. They had fucking fried wontons on them. Yeah, what the fuck? I just told them you landed 20 minutes ago. You're like, yeah, I got pizza last night.

Yeah, I'm just trying to yes and you. I liked it. You want the truth? I took a muscle relaxer. I'm fucking dying right now. Alcohol is fine with that, isn't it? All right. This place is nice, though.

I don't want to talk too much. I've had a good time. I went around to a lot of places. Gastown was wonderful. We strolled the streets of Gastown. Gastown is named after a man. We saw the statue in Gastown. Does anybody know about Gastown?

You do. Well, Gassy Jack. That's exactly right. So there's a statue of a man, if you don't know. Most of you didn't raise your hands, so you might not know. Gassy Jack was a man who was a local bartender, right, and was part of the founding group of people. And Gassy Jack was named Gassy Jack.

Because why? Not you. You're not allowed to say it. No, you can't say it, lady. You know. Who knows? Who could guess what Gassy Jack? Sir, you right there.

What do you think Gassy Jack is named for? Just anything, really, that comes into your head, you could say. For farting a lot. That would be the... Yes. That's right. No, he was a long-winded gentleman. He just spoke a lot, right? They called him Gassy Jack. Of all the different ways to

describe someone who spoke a lot, Gassy Jack is why that's called Gastown. So next time you're there, understand that, that you're bad at naming areas. What a ridiculous way to fucking... It's not good. Gastown? After a man who just spoke often at a bar?

Call it Chattyville, you know? Too much talky town. Whatever you want to say, it's your town. Before the show, I wanted to ask you, we both peed in the same toilet. Yeah. And you did two things. You did two things that I really like.

Really? You flushed. I flushed. And you put the seat back down. Yeah. Very cool. Yeah, having a girlfriend habit, man. You gotta fucking...

I used to date a girl who had roommates and every time she'd be like, you left the seat up. And I was like, yeah. And she'd be like, it's a big thing. And I'd be like, all right.

So it's just fucking... I'm just a whip fucking pussy is what you're calling me. No, I think it's very polite. I think most people don't do that. It's funny because... I can't believe you gave very polite. I think most people don't do that. It's funny because... I can't believe you gave me credit for flushing. I didn't deserve that. Well, I

leave it. People that don't flush are fucking animals. Here I am, Sam. Really? I don't flush. You don't flush? If it's yellow, let it mellow. Really? Yeah. God damn. Sometimes I leave a turd in the house. My wife knows. I'm dead serious. If it's a small turd, it doesn't need to go down.

Ask the resources guy. There's too much. We're wasting water, aren't we, sir? Yeah. I mean, get a bidet. That's a lot of water to waste. Yeah. It's a lot of water to waste. Mr. fucking environmentalist over here is rocking a bidet. It's better than toilet paper.

Ah, aha. That is actually true. Yes, toilet paper is much more damaging. Wow, that's a good point. When you go to places like in Central and South America, they don't even have tanks that can hold toilet paper. So you have to put toilet paper in a trash can. Have you ever done that? You have to wipe your ass and put it in a trash can.

Yeah, in South America. Oh, my God. Central America, too. Well, dude, pipes can't withhold toilet paper. That's a new thing. For a long time, we just wiped with water, right? That's right. That's right. Yeah, I don't use as much toilet paper. It's a new thing. For a long time, we just wiped with water, right? That's right. That's right.

Yeah. I don't use as much toilet paper. I'm pretty conservative. I'll make my dog clean up. Put some peanut butter in there. I got a modern bidet. I got one of the bidets with a finger. It's fucking great, dude.

Just one finger? Yeah. Come on. It's a multi-level. You've got to go two. It's a multi-level. You've got to go two. It's a multi-level. It's a two. No, but also I noticed in the same toilet that we urinated in, it was blue.

Remember the old tabs to turn the water blue? It was blue. I haven't seen those in years. Oh, my God. Do you guys know what I'm talking about? To turn the tank blue, the water blue? It just reminded me of my grandmother because that's the thing that old people do. You know what I mean? Because they don't want to clean the toilet.

They just do that to just cover up the fact that the toilet is filthy. So it's blue. It's blue and it smells okay. But at the bottom of that, Streak City. Yeah. Nana's Streak City. Yeah, you hate to see the...

You ever just get like a skid in there and you're just like, ooh, I don't feel good about this. Oh, yeah. I actually... I'm the opposite. Really? You feel good? I feel... I yeah. I actually, I'm the opposite. Really? You feel good?

I feel stoked, yeah. I throw down an extra, I throw down another Abe Lincoln for La Quinta housekeeping. That's what I do. Do you guys have La Quintas? Is that joke gonna hit? No?

No. It's a hotel. It's a hotel in the state. I should have fact-checked my references, guys. I'm sorry. You guys have Tim Hortons here in Canada?

Yeah. No? No? God damn it. Have you had Tim Hortons here in Canada? Yeah. No? God damn it. Have you had Tim Hortons, by the way? It's good. Yeah. It's not that good.

It's okay. It's a sponsor of JFL. We love it. It's so good. No, it's our Dunkin' Donuts. It's the exact same thing. Yeah. Except our Dunkin' Donuts has a lot of, for some reason, it means something to people

in certain parts of the, like, New Englanders think it's wonderful. Yeah, they love it. It's fine. It doesn't mean anything to me. It's fine. Yeah, it's a coffee place, right? Yeah. You're a New York guy.

Yeah. Upstate? Upstate? No, I live in the city. No, no, where are you from? I'm from the city. Oh, you are born and raised in the city? Yeah.

Wow, where? Originally Chelsea, then Upper East Side. That's fucking wonderful. Yeah. That's so cool to be a young Jewish kid in the city. Yeah, dude. Yeah, a good thing Woody Allen didn't do anything to tarnish my view of being young and Jewish by probably fucking one of his kids.

Allegedly. Allegedly. Allegedly. Here's a little game I want to play. Okay. I like to do this at the live shows, and I like to have the audience involved, too, because that's some of my favorite stuff that you guys are hearing. We get to do this live. I think this is awesome.

But I do this Would You Rather game, and I did it in Toronto, and it was so much fucking fun. So here's some fun Would You Rathers that I want to hear your opinion first, and then we can have a few people from the audience give their little two cents. Would you rather have your balls sit above your dick, your balls on top of your dick,

or have your nuts hang down literally, very literally, to your kneecaps? So balls on top or down to the caps? I got to go balls on top, no question. Balls on top. Yeah, I mean, I can't wear runner's shorts anymore if they're going that low. I feel like you've got long balls already. They're long, dude. Yeah, you look like a long balls guy.

I have long droopy balls. It sucks. They really... They get in the way. That's why I answered so quickly. Yeah, you were very fast. I already know the answer. Balls on top.

Balls on top. Sir right there through. You, sir, right there. Would you have balls on top, or what would you do? Balls on top, yeah. Yeah, I answered correctly. You don't think droopy is cool? Droopy could be also something,

that could be something to do, you know, that's a thing to have, big droopy nuts. Balls on top is a little weird. What if every girl is? She's like, I just, that's insane. I can't have your nuts that high. To the knees is cooler.

If it droops that far, it becomes a novelty, which is kind of fun. So you kind of get to call yourself the grandfather clock or something. That's kind of cool. All right, the pendulum's coming out. You just get to swing it at a bar.

What were you going to say, sir? You'd be worried about them getting twisted up. Or that could be cool. You could braid them. There's a lot of fun to be had. A lot of fun to be had. Okay, would you rather see your mother's face on whoever you're fucking the moment you come and you cannot close your eyes?

So the moment you come, your mom's face takes over the face of the person you're fucking. Or the moment you come, you break down hysterically crying. Just bawling. The moment you start to nut, it all comes out. Well, I've already tried one of these.

So, uh... I think... And that's the mother thing? I think crying, because here's why. Because once you're in a relationship, that doesn't matter anymore, right? This basically comes down to me ruining my orgasm or me ruining hers. That's what you have to think about, right?

I cry while she's coming, she's upset. I fucking see my mom's face. I don't want to have sex anymore. I cry while she's coming. She's upset. I fucking see my mom's face. I don't want to have sex anymore. Or I get into seeing my mom's face, guys. Yeah, that's what I mean.

How much do you love your mother? I love her, but that's the thing. Don't you think you kind of are looking for a woman that's kind of like your mother anyway? No. No? Not even a little bit. No?

No, I want the opposite of my mom. In what way? My mother is like very, she's a sweet, lovely woman, but she's devoid of, this is the thing I've told my mom, it bothers me so much, and I've said it on the podcast before. She said, if I'm having a terrible week, let's say I'm going through some shit, my mom, literally our whole life was, her response is, it'll be okay. It's such a dismissive, fuck you. You're like, I'm so hurt. Everything is breaking down. Oh, man. And my mother's like, it'll be okay. It's such a dismissive fuck you. You're like I'm so hurt. Everything

is breaking down. My mother's like it'll be okay. That's nothing. Yeah but because she's one of ten kids like they dealt with the shit. Things don't meet. She's like yeah you're fine. Shut the fuck up. You know what I mean? Everything in her head is like grow up you'll be fine. So I wanted a woman who is

emotional and caring and does the whole, like, I'll be here for you type of shit. I like that. I want that. That's what I want in the old bag. I feel like Jewish mothers are kind of overwhelming. They're too much.

My mom's a lot, but in a good way, I think. Yeah, you would. She conditioned you to say that. Sammy, mommy's the best, aren't I? Yeah, it's fucking insane jew every jewish mother gives their child munchausen syndrome without a doubt oh yeah it's no question every one of my mothers way too close it's mommy dearest yes it's and this is gonna sound racist now and i'm gonna call anyway fucking jews i just lose it but every jewish friend i have they're there and i have a

bevy of them and all of their mothers are too close. Like, does your mom know everything about you? Oh, yeah. That's insane. There was a story in my half-hour special where I left lunch with my mom to go get a blowjob, and my mom was like, is that true? And I was like, yes.

Come on. Like, why lie? Because. Because she gives a shit. Because then she thinks about you getting a blowjob. Eh, she probably thinks about it anyway, you know? Right? So you want to change your answer to this question about see your mother's face?

Yeah, let's go with the mom. Let's go with B. Yeah. In here, we pour whiskey. Whiskey ginger fans, living with chronic pain is absolutely the worst. I have a lot of pain in my lower back, especially in my knees and my feet, because I run almost every single day. It affects my entire life.

It's very uncomfortable when I get home at night. Sometimes I'm aching a lot. Ice doesn't really do it so much as helping out your insides and your outside. And that's why I like to use Omax Cryo Freeze. Dude, Omax Cryo freeze with cbd is phenomenal better than biofreeze better than icy hot better than menge don't care gonna say it out loud they can't compete they also don't have cbd in them and they're not 100 natural anybody knows that uh from like professional athletes all the way down to just casual people

that like to exercise um You need something for recovery. And I think this is probably the best stuff that's going to get rid of muscle and joint pain immediately and going to provide long-lasting recovery that you need with all natural solutions, which I'm totally into all natural stuff. This Cryo-Free CBD Roll-On developed by the Omax Health guys. It's non-prescription, and it's triple-action pain relief. It's roll-on, so it's phenomenal. It's 100% natural, like I said, and it lasts up action pain relief it's roll-on so it's phenomenal it's 100%

natural like I said and it lasts up to eight hours so I want all my fans if you are into pain relief if you like feeling good after a tough workout or even if just a tough day and you have joint pain go jump online go to omaxhealth.com o-m-a-x health.com enter M a X health.com. Enter that promo code whiskey. Get yourself 20% off cryo freeze site wide. My friend, um, it's totally worth it. You really need to get behind this because, uh,

it is, it is the preferred pain relief that I have. Once again, go to O max health, O M a X health.com. Enter that promo code whiskey. Get yourself 20% off. Okay.

Back to the episode. All right. So how about this one? Everything you eat tastes like mayonnaise or everything you drink tastes like vinegar? It's tough because they're both repulsive. Fuck. This is the whitest question ever. Sorry, would you like me to culture it up for you? I'm going to go mayonnaise.

You can go everything tastes like mayonnaise. I can't have water tasting like vinegar. But you can have water taste like mayonnaise. Oh, shit. Oh, so it's everything. Everything. Everything tastes like mayonnaise. Damn, maybe I go vinegar then.

Yeah, I say vinegar. I could get through some vinegar. I could, right? How about you nodding with the glasses in the second row? What do you think? You like vinegar. Oh, so you'd love... This is your fantasy.

Do you really enjoy vinegar that much? You do. You're a vinegar guy. According to your friends, like we were going to fucking fact check that right there. No, but honestly, that face does show that you really are the vinegar. You're vinegar.

I really picked the right guy in this whole fucking crowd. So you crave vinegar? Like salt and vinegar chips and stuff? What's your biggest go-to for vinegar? What do you need it on? Yeah, you eat a lot of fish and chips. You do. And what else do you put it on?

Pizza? Yeah. You crave that too. You might be pregnant. You might, you never know. I don't think something's wrong with you. You like what you like. That's okay. People like weird stuff right next to you. You, what do you like that's weird? What do you like that's weird? What do you like that's unusual? What do you eat that most people probably don't like? Say it. What is it?

That's crazy. You like sandwiches? You're off your fucking head, kid. You need to come back down to earth. But she said just mayo. That's weird. Oh. Mayo and mayo. That's not. Oh, mayo. Oh, mayo. That's not weird.

Unbearably normal. I don't know why I even stood up for you. That's fucking... That's as normal as it gets. Sam dies on the wrong hill too early. It's like, oh, I'm going to defend you. All right, so how about at noon, at noon, at 12 o'clock every day,

your arms and your legs fall off and they don't reattach until the sun goes down, right? Which changes depending on where you live, right? That's a good thing to take into consideration. Or, all day, at any random time during the day, one of your eyeballs will fall out. So arms and legs gone

at noon until dusk, or, just all day long, it happens continuously, you don't know which one and when. An eyeball falls right out of your head. Fuck, I hope it doesn't fall out at the same time I see my mom's face. That's what I hope. We can only hope. Mom!

No! I got to go eyeball, man. You say eyeball all the time. Because every day, that's going to fuck up my travel schedule. I can't play a pickup game or anything. Think about this, though. You could be in a wheelchair, right? Yeah.

When it falls off, you pay someone to be a helper that just collects your limbs and takes them with you wherever you go. They reattach. But you've got no hands or legs, so I can't kill time on my phone. I can't read a book. I can't watch a movie. I can't do anything. Dude, fucking Stephen Hawking did it. He did it with his brain. He read stuff

with his mouth and he, you know, you could do it. He basically was devoid of limbs. You're saying you're a... I like that he's like, dude, the fucking smartest person who ever lived do it. You can't fucking figure it out? That was a compliment. I think you're one of the smartest people. That's why. You could do it.

I think I would do the eyeball because I think it's just funny. No way. Yeah, definitely eyeball. I think it's just really funny. I think you're one of the smartest people on earth. That's why. You could do it. I think I would do the eyeball because I think it's just funny. No way. Yeah, definitely eyeball. I think it's just really funny. I think the limbs are tough. But the eyeball to me was more of a fun thing. I just think,

what a good bit. If someone's having an emotional moment, how funny. And your eyeball comes right out. Someone's like, Sam, I... You never listen, pop. Who are you texting? She's like, I uh you never listen pop yeah who are you texting she's like it's fine you're hilarious

alright so how about this how about um how about you have to poop immediately moments within moments after you eat anything anything you put inside your body you immediately have to shit or you only get you only poop once a month but it takes a full 24 hours straight so it's either the moment you ingest Or you only poop once a month, but it takes a full 24 hours straight.

So it's either the moment you ingest anything into your body, nourishment-wise, you've got to poop. Or one day a month for 24 hours straight, you're pooping. I'm doing the multiple poops. So the moment you eat, you're going to shit? Yeah, because then I could spread out my meals and just see it coming. I think 24-hour poop is... I don't know, man. You're going to shit. Yeah, because then I could spread out my meals and just see it coming. I think 24-hour poop is... I don't know, man. You're going to lose feeling in your legs.

Yeah, well, you've got to stand up. You've got to stand up. You've got to sit down. You've got to move around a little bit. You've got to move around. Is the poop coming nonstop, or is it just kind of gone? 24 hours is nonstop. It's nonstop.

I mean, that's going to be a plumbing issue as well. So I think we're looking... It's got to be after every meal meal because I'm a coffee drinker. It's not that far off. You know what I mean? Like. Yeah, that's true. It does it anyway.

So I, yeah, I go. You go, you go that, you do that? Yeah. Nah, I think I would take the once. I would take the once a month. One time? Yeah, because a day I could catch up on shows that I haven't been lagging on, you know.

People know that's my time. He's like, oh, he's doing his thing. 24 hours. I need my shit time. I set up my iPad. You know what I mean? I could time. He's like, oh, he's doing his thing. 24 hours. I need my shit time. I set up my iPad. You know what I mean? I can get real comfortable in there. Get my bidet, knock it out.

I just knocked out two seasons of Succession. Wow. I had nowhere to go. Plus, you look great. You lost all that weight, you know? Sir with the baseball hat on there, you see who you are. You're wearing a baseball cap. What would you do, sir?

Yeah, you. Multiple poops? Multiple poops. Okay, same reason for Sam? You're a coffee drinker. You're shitting often. How many times do you go in a day? Pretty healthy, yeah. Also gave me a medical backing to his... He really pat himself on the back

for that one. He's kind of killing it. Two a day. Is anybody five or six a day? Raise your hand if you go an insane amount. You back there? Are you really? How many? Wow.

Is there a doctor in the house by any chance? That's insane. Oh, it's a medical thing. We were going to make fun of you. You mentioned you had a condition. Actually, Sam, let's do it anyway. Ten times a day.

What a weirdo. So when your IBS flares up, basically what this Would You Rather is about is you more than anything. That's your whole life. Has it calmed down a little bit? Tight. Stomach getting jacked.

That's awesome. You're just like A-Rod, man. I like that he said, I'm fine now. We can't tell he's not taking a shit at this moment. Stomach steroids, and so that calms it down so they make sure the ibs doesn't flare up right what are the things that you eat that upset you the most

yeah yeah and you're like it's my ibs baby can't be eating that bullshit broccoli so you basically get to eat like a like a 12-old. Like you get to just eat. What do you have? Mac and cheese. Hell yeah, dude. You're a kid for life, dude. It's your IBS. You blame it on the IBS.

That's good. I'm glad you're... What's your name? Zach. I'm glad you're healthy, Zach. Does it kill you? Could it kill you? Oh, shit.

Damn. Dude, you poop to death would be such a bummer. There's no way to not laugh during that funeral. You know what I mean? He died doing what he loved. That's insane to poop to death. So there are known cases of people that have died from it. A doctor tells you about that?

Oh, man, you keep really taking it dark. We're up here just having a good time. You're really blacking this out. He's like, wow, people really get cancer, infection, disease, famine. All right. Here we go. Be a conjoined twin attached at the butt. So you're butt to butt.

Butt to butt. Or have an inoperable tumor on your neck. And this one's for you because you're a fan the size of a basketball. So you have a basketball on your fucking neck. Right here. Right on the side. Or you're a conjoined twin butt to right? Right here, right on the side, or your conjoined twin butt-to-butt. Well, here's the upside of having the giant tumor,

is that I take a lot of long flights. I can kind of use it as a pillow. You know what I mean? Whereas the conjoined butt-to-butt is just a travel issue every which way. It's a dating issue. Yeah, it is. You can't have sex without him just being like,

can you fucking just finish? Yeah, but also maybe he's rooting you on the whole time. He's like, get it, Sam. You're doing a great job, bud. You know what I mean? That's a cheering section.

What if he's good looking, too? How about this? The condition is the conjoined twin, really handsome dude. That's horrible. Then no one's going to pick me. But then you get to be there

for his fun. You can be a cheerleader yourself. This is not always about you, Sam. I'm just the cuck. I'm just in the corner like, alright, dude. No, you're not in the corner. You're right behind him. Damn it. That's the corner. The back cuck. If anybody works for Pornhub,

could you submit back cucking? Alright, so how about this one? This is one of my this is my final one and this one's very, very fun. Actually, I could do another one from the other show just because I want to hear your answer yeah

there's one I have from the other show that I loved because Esther's answer was great would you rather kill ten people or one puppy definitely a puppy

really that's not even a question I say people without a doubt yeah well I mean do you go to prison for it no no no this is just you get away with it

would you rather kill ten people or one puppy if you get to prison for it? No, no, no. This is just you get away with it. Would you rather kill ten people or one puppy? If you get to choose now we're talking. I think that's I don't know. I say ten people without

Although I feel like what if I killed the ten people and then they arrested me? I was like Santino said I was good, man. What the the fuck? But I bail you out.

I'm like sorry man that was a great joke. I can't believe you did it. How about you? See, you with the beanie on, or what do we call it, the toque here? The toque? The person to your right.

You? What would you do? Would you, yes, you. Would you rather kill ten people or one puppy? You'd kill the puppy? Hmm. It says a lot about you. It says a lot about you. It says a lot about you.

No, yeah, the ten people you get to, whoever said, the ten people are totally random. They're just random people. You have to kill ten random people. That solidifies it for me. I'd rather kill ten random people for sure. There's probably a half a dozen in here

that I might take out. So my balcony peeps,eps? My balcony peeps. You know what sucks, too? Once you kill ten people, you probably get the hang of it, and it sucks to quit when you get really good at something. You know what I mean? Yeah, it ceases to exist, right? That's the only way either of us are going to get on Netflix.

We murder ten people. We murder ten people. They make a doc. It was a serial killer slash comedian Sam Morrell Alright so how about this This is tough Make out with tongue

With Trump Or Rudy Giuliani Quite the quandary That's a tough one I would say Have you guys seen Rudy Giuliani's mouth It's rough You know his son tried to kill me when I was guys seen Rudy Giuliani's mouth? Have you seen his mouth? It's rough It's like a terrible skyline

You know his son Tried to kill me When I was a kid Go on Andrew Giuliani How? We went to like a There was like a

Saturday summer camp My parents would send me to Just to get me out of the house And they made There was like one part Where they're like Oh you guys go swimming And I just

Like he was kind of like A fun kid to fuck with Because he would get so angry So I fuck with him And he was huge He would just grab me By the throat and held me underwater for at least 50 seconds holy shit and finally accounts had broke it up and i was like holy shit i think the mayor's son just tried to murder me what the fuck is crazy did anything ever come after that nothing no he kind of apologized and we were good i'm very forgiving yeah too much actually. That's insane. Did you grow up amongst other New York famous families?

No, no. But I mean, he was... It was just a summer camp thing. I mean, he knew he was actually like... He doesn't look it, but he was like an athlete. He was like a college kicker or something. Really? For football, yeah.

Oh, holy shit. Yeah, and he was... He was all right, I guess. I don't know. I think he's part of Trump's administration now, too, isn't he? Is he? I have no idea. Does anybody know that?

That's wild. Andrew does something. And he tried to kill you. He tried to kill me. Yeah, you should. But he didn't get away with it. And if I get 10 kills, he's one of them. I would go, I'll go, fuck, I'll go Trump,

just because it's more impressive to kiss Trump than Giuliani. He's higher on the order. Right, on the sad order. I think Giuliani, though, Trump just to me kissing Trump with tongue, I feel like he would like it so much. It's like he was winning again. Can I kiss him Godfather 2 style?

I kiss him and I'm like, I knew it was you. Or something like that. That's a little cooler. But you have to use tongue, that's the problem. Fuck. Yeah, that's not was you or something like that. That's a little cooler. But you have to use tongue. That's the problem. Fuck. Yeah, you have to tongue. Yeah, that's not as badass. No, yeah.

Because you have to initiate tongue. Like, you're the... Fuck. Yeah. I don't know. There's no right answer here. How about you with the yellow beanie on up there? Yeah, what do you say?

What would you do? Would you tongue Trump or Rudy Giuliani? Yeah, why? Both gross, yeah, but you think that's a better story? I think Julie's a better story. They're both spiraling out of control, kind of mentally, so I feel like it wouldn't get out, which

I appreciate. They're not going to fucking remember shit. Right, they won't know. Someone will know, but they won't they won't know someone will know but they won't remember trump is trump is i'm playing bakersfield next week trump is there he's gonna be there and i tweeted the other day like hey let's hang out at trump and like you know he's checking his mentions yeah dude you're verified and he's like who the fuck is andrew santino first was the worst Trump ever. I'm sorry. Who's Andrew Santino?

That was good. Somebody goes, what if he actually wanted to hang out? What would you do? And I sat on my phone for a second being like, I'd have to hang out. I bet he's a good hang. Yeah, it's probably a great hang. The story alone would be incredible. Just to say we kicked it in Bakersfield.

Imagine me and him going to like Find Meth in Bakersfield. You guys even know what that is? Does anybody know what Bakersfield is? It's like, oh yeah, Bakersfield, California. It's interesting, he's going to campaign there. I was like, that's so weird that that's like the spot he chose.

Because it's not Central California. It's just north, just a little bit north of us. It's not yet Central California. He seems like he'd be fun at least because he like, you know, he talks shit. Oh, yeah. Like, you know, you like there's no one you could bring up that he would like if you're like complaining to he would like let you vent. Right.

I'm like, I fucking hate this person. He's a piece of shit. He would just fucking go with you. I need people like that. Yeah. And you need that. You need that kind of energy. I mean, every once in a while it's fun to vent and have someone not be like, let's be nice. That's true. But that's also because as a New Yorker, you're bred that way, right? New Yorkers have that kind of thing where they're like, you need to kind of – talking shit is part of the love of New York, right?

You hate on – everybody hates on everything in New York, but it's because you like it. It's not just talking shit. It's also like cultural Jewish heritage. Here we go again with the true stuff. But it is. It's like you start every sentence with like, can you believe this shit? But it doesn't mean you're mad. Right. go again with the true stuff. But it is. You start every sentence with can you believe this shit? But it doesn't mean you're mad. You're just trying to connect.

But you're connecting over something that you know isn't that big of a deal. You don't do like real... Could you believe what's really going on in Syria? It's always something very close. It's always like, could you believe the L train is down again? Stuff that of course happens. Yeah.

Growing up in New York blows my mind because I think that it's like, most people think of New York City as a place where adults are, that kids don't really grow up in this city. It's a rare thing to grow up in the city. You didn't go to school with anybody that became a New York thing? The most famous guy that went to my high school was Howard Dean, to give you an idea. Who's Howard Dean? He ran for president in 2004.

He's the guy who got disqualified for being like, yee-haw. It's a real thing. He said, yee-haw, and they were like, you're fucking, you're out. But why? What was yee-haw? He was celebrating. He was like, yee-haw, and they were like,

fuck this guy. God, we've come such a long way since then, huh? Our guy won with saying pussy grabbing and stuff. They're like, the yeehaw guy's out of control. Yeah. We can't have that kind of shit. Yeah, it was weird. I think he was going for it.

That was going to be his big moment. And it was big, but it fucked him. So he's our most famous guy. No, I didn't really know. I don't think anyone famous went to my high school. Not in your high school. You go to college, right? I went to school, NYU.

NYU. What a good school. I went to Tulane for a year and a half, and Katrina hit, so I had to leave. New Orleans is hilarious because they're like, yeah, yeah, it's a hurricane. Just come back in like seven days. And I was like, oh, okay. And then the city was underwater, and I was like, what am I supposed to do now? I don't know.

And you were like, I'm white. I'm going to get out of here. I'm able like, oh, okay. And then the city was underwater and I was like, what am I supposed to do now? I don't know. And you were like, I'm white. I'm going to get out of here. I'm able to get out of here. Dude, I was just in New Orleans and I chipped my fucking tooth. Yeah. I chipped my front tooth. Oh my God. Holy shit. Yeah, I chipped it. And this is crazy too because the next, it was at a crawfish boil. Yeah. I chipped it on a fucking

on a crawfish shell. This is a true story. And the next day we go to get shrimp po'boys and we're in line for the shrimp po'boy and if you've ever chipped a tooth you tend to touch it with your tongue a lot. Like you'll just keep, you keep, like it's like it's just a habit for the next couple days. So I'm doing it, I'm doing it and the guy

at the counter, he's like staring at me as my buddy's ordering and he goes what's up with your mouth? And I go I chipped my fucking tooth. I chipped my tooth last night. And he goes,

damn, how? I said, I was on a crawfish shell. We were peeling. I wasn't paying attention. I put a piece of meat in my mouth and it had a shell on the bottom and it chipped right through.

And he goes, yeah, on a crawfish shell. I go, yeah, on a crawfish shell. He goes, that's New Orleans. I'm dead serious. You were in the good part of New Orleans. What happened to your mouth is a pickup line in certain parts.

No, that's the most New Orleans story. You crawfish po' boy. The only way that'd be more New Orleans is if you started playing the saxophone at the end of that story. I did, I did. The sound is great with that. Yeah. It helps with my breathing technique. I got, one time I was in college when I was a freshman,

and I went back for the second term or whatever, and I was a freshman there, and I got, I was like hammered. I was smoking a blunt with some kids just on the campus row, and you know where you're like, I'll see what the frats have to offer, just get fucked up for free. Right on, yeah. I was smoking a blunt with some kids on the street corner, and these cops come out of nowhere

and they're like, alright, hands on the wall. And we're like, fuck, alright. So they put our hands on the wall, they handcuffed me and the three other kids who I don't even really know. We're just getting hammered together and high and they start going through our back pockets and stuff and I, to this day, ever since I was a kid, I have like, you know,

we're comics, I had a joke pad. I was like 18 or 19 and I had a joke pad in my back pocket. And the cop pulled it out. He goes, what the fuck is this? And I said, it's my joke pad. And he was like, a joke pad? I said, I'm a comedian. I fucking said I'm a comedian to a cop. And he started reading some of the jokes

out loud. And after every joke, he'd go, that's the worst piece of shit I've ever heard. And everyone's just laughing at me. And they finally, they let us go. And the second they left, one of the kids I got handcuffed with turns to me and goes, holy shit, I had cocaine on me.

But they didn't search me because they were reading your shitty jokes. Comedy saves lives. I saved the day. Comedy saves lives. Holy shit. Crazy. Yeah, true story.

You saved the coke guy. Do you still smoke pot, by the. Yeah, true story. You save the coke. Do you still smoke pot, by the way? I don't know. You use drugs. I don't smoke much. I don't like it. Everyone always says,

you know, I like alcohol better and everyone always tries to like, you know what the problem is? They're like, I cut back on alcohol

just for all the travel because I feel fucked up all the time, but they're like, you should smoke weed instead, but like weed is not a substitute for alcohol.

Alcohol numbs the voices in my head and weed heightens them. It amplifies the shit out of them. Do you like weed? I do. I very much do. Really? Yes, I do. You don't seem like a pothead. See, but that's funny, because I've talked about that. I hate potheads.

Because pothead is a culture. It's like a type of person, right? Like they dress up their dogs and shit? Yeah, they love sublime. It's a thing. Lava lamps. I don't like tie-dye. I don't like pot culture, right?

I just enjoy marijuana. I don't like that because you smoke pot, you're supposed to fit into a thing. It bothers the shit out of me. Because it's perpetuated by culture. It's exactly why we're going to get deep here. It's probably why marijuana was placed in this disgusting category as like a class one felony drug because culturally it got put into this loser, lazy, all of these fake stereotypes.

I mean, even saying marijuana is a wrong word. It was the government pushed that out because it's Spanish for marijuana. And so they wanted everyone to go, Mexicans, bad. Marijuana, bad. Weed, bad. I mean, that's literally what it was. So it got all this negative bullshit put together by the government and society. And then Nancy fucking Reagan,

you know who that is, that old crazy fucking bat? She pushed out this thing called the DARE program, which influenced our generation to do drugs. And she was like, it's a gateway drug. It's a negative thing. You'll be sucking dick in a week. And I did, but that had nothing to do with weed.

Just me exploring my sexuality. Yeah, it's not dangerous. It's just dudes that tell shitty stories. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, that's it. It's one of those... So I'm an advocate for marijuana. I just don't like this weird culture that we must be,

like, not everyone has to be like, oh, hey, what's up, dad? That doesn't, you know what I mean? I got high yesterday, and I sounded exactly how I sound now. I don't, you don't need to have this culture surrounding it. So I do love using it. I've been smoking pot for 20 plus years,

but I just um i wish that side could disappear i get too pessimistic like i really the voices in my head are just like you fucking they're just horrible it's the worst possible thoughts now so alcohol doesn't depress you because it's a depressant so does it put you in a hole sometimes i mean yeah yeah it does a glory hole all right but uh i like don't say all right just let that one sit sorry guys let it sit uh no it puts me in of course yeah it's a depressant

yeah but it doesn't do it for me yeah definitely like the next day is rough usually really yeah it doesn't do that to you

you don't get hung over are you Irish yeah yeah you fucking you Irish people can drink it's us Jews we can't fucking

handle shit really anything at all to be honest yeah most things manual labor alcohol we can't fucking handle shit. Really anything at all, to be honest. Yeah. Most things. Manual labor, alcohol. You know, relationships. Gas chamber, Jesus.

Easy, Ivan the Terrible. Jesus. Good God. Did you see that, Doc? Ivan the Terrible. No, but that just really made me uncomfortable. Yeah, that was a lot. No, I did see that.

I did watch that. Yeah, they didn't know if that guy was really him the whole time. Yeah, that was a lot. No, I did see that. I did watch that. Yeah, they didn't know if that guy was really him the whole time. Yeah, because they were like, we don't know if it's him because he doesn't have any speeding tickets.

And I'm like, yeah, that's it. If you're a war criminal, you might be careful with the intersections. You know what I mean? Like fucks the Jews, but also obeys the laws. Don't run the yellow.

Yeah, I used to be nervous when I'd see reckless drivers. Now I see someone going five below and I'm like, you fucking Nazi pig. Tell me if you... I told this to my buddy last night. I said, you know what would be a really great bit that you could run that I couldn't run? This is a great... Tell you no, it's going to be anti-Semitic.

You could do this one. Yes. That's true, though. I always thought it'd be really funny just to fuck with the crowd if you're doing a live show and you have a sweater on and a shirt underneath. You know when you take off the sweater and the shirt comes up a little bit? As you're doing it, you turn around. As you turn around, on your back

is a massive swastika. Then you take it off and you don't say anything about it for the rest of the show. And you just do your material and close out. I just want to see something like that on, just small.

Put it up there and let it go. Will you do that for me, please? I'm not going to, but I think it's funny. You know what? It makes me think of that scene in American History X,

you know, where all the white guys have swastikas on their tattoos and they beat the black guys. I'm like, this is the least realistic scene. Right. They win the basketball game

against giant black dudes who can all play. And Ed Norton, who's like 5'7", throws down a reverse dunk and I'm like, this is fucking... This is bullshit. Star Wars is more believable than this shit. So this is something... The reason I say that is because

you do... Your jokes are... you're a very clever joke writer and also you can sometimes get away with saying things because of the way you construct the joke. Oh, thanks. You're very good at it. You're very, genuinely. Like, do you have jokes that even you know you can't tell? There's a couple that. You write them and you're like, I can't do that. Sometimes, yeah.

You want to do one right now? Let me think. You write them and you're like, I can't do that. Sometimes, yeah. You want to do one right now? Let me think. You know what? I had one that I just like, I don't think it's going to age well.

So why not tell it on a podcast? It lives forever. Wait till you get SNL next year. I said this in Jersey a week ago. I said, whenever I'm on dating apps, I play a game. It's called Trans or From New Jersey. And I'm like, strong arms, lots of makeup. It's anyone's game.

I don't know. But, so jokes like that that I'm like, oh, this might piss off a group. You know? Is that a good joke? Do you like that joke?

I did one that was like, you know, this one is an old one and this one, it never hit but I still put it on an album because I thought it was funny. I was with a girl

and she said, I need a man that'll treat me like a princess. And I said, so I hired the paparazzi to chase her, and she died in a car crash. That's a great joke. If you go offensive, offensive jokes are my favorite.

Oh, you know another one? It's fun. It doesn't always hit, but I like this one. This is a pretty offensive one, I think. I was talking to a friend, and he said, my girlfriend just had a miscarriage in the shower,

and I was like, oh my God, worst baby shower ever. These are great. I love every single one of these. This is so good. I think any time it's like a topic, like, you know, I think sometimes,

oh, if you just set it up in a way, you're like, this might be offensive, then people like want to get on board. Sure. Yeah, so as long as you, I don't know. I think people like to just set it up in a way where you're like, this might be offensive, then people want to get on board. Sure. Yeah. So as long as you're – I don't know. I think people like to hear fucked up shit.

I think part of the beauty of comedy is that people do want to hear fucked up shit. Some people are going to take things the wrong way. There's nothing you can do about it. Like 9-11 is a thing that like – Yeah. Like it's so hard to joke about it in certain places. Yeah. Right?

I did a joke a day after the Boston Marathon at the Comedy Cellar. I remember I was like, man, it depressed me so much because me and my brother, we don't do anything together anymore. Did it go over? It killed. Yeah, it killed. Yeah, just like the bomber.

I had one 9-11 joke that I never did, and I still can't figure out how to do it on stage but it's more of a concept though the idea is that like look 9-11 was a bad thing it was terrible right

but there were thousands and thousands of people in those towers thousands right you can't tell me there wasn't one guy you can't tell me there wasn't one guy whose wife was fucking his best friend, whose kid hates him, who's about to be fired, whose house is going to be foreclosed on. Life is in the shit. You can't tell me there wasn't one guy like that who didn't look out that window, see that plane, and go, yes.

It hit. It hit. It hit. You can't tell me that wasn't... That's more of a conversational topic, because I was thinking about it. I was like, there's no way that's not a reality. There's no way there wasn't one guy that was like... I mean, this is terrible. There's no way there wasn't one person excited to jump.

There's no way there wasn't one guy that was like, fucking party! Party! There's one guy that was like, fucking party! One guy who's like, there's only one way to see if I'm not really a superhero. Then he's falling like, I'm not. I'm definitely not. I wrote so many terrorist jokes around

because I was just like, I mean, first off, I have to explain these eyebrows somehow. I do question you often. Oh, dude. I'm trying to think if I had any terrorists when I was 9 or 11. Oh, you know what I had? I had terrorists and comedians.

We have a lot in common because we both get bummed when not enough people make it out to a gig. You know what I mean? I feel like even terrorists are like three people on a bus. I guess I'll do it. That's entry-level terrorism?

Yeah, entry-level. Yeah. That's like for a pilot when you take just like puddle jumper flights when you're just starting out you know they're like as a terrorist they're like you gotta fucking you gotta you gotta bomb a bus stop it's like three people there it's like you gotta do it it's that's how they know that you're legit you know it's entry-level man no but i think i truthfully think like the beauty of and and and like last night i was fucking around and saying some shit. And everywhere you go, people do want to hear fucked up shit more and more.

I think we think the social narrative is that people don't like offensive material. But I think that's not true at all. I think people do want to be pushed a little bit with their morals. There's one voice that doesn't like it online. You get one tweet like, cancel this guy. It's not true. It's like the type of person, you know the loudest person on Yelp?

It's the fucking person with the least going on in their life. Yeah, so true. If you're active on Yelp, you don't have a great fucking life. No shit. No one's begging you to come back to bed to get your dick sucked. I want to suck your dick.

Can you let me finish? I had a mediocre burrito and the world needs to know. Okay? Have you ever Yelped? Have you ever reviewed a place? No. I'll complain sometimes on Twitter. You know what's repulsive? I think Yelp is fucking insane and I would never... I don't like it.

I read it all the time. I'll never even send food back. Well, if I'm at the restaurant, I will. You won't do that? I just feel weird. If it's awful. back. Well, if I'm at the restaurant, I will. You won't do that? I just feel weird. If it's awful. But if it's like something I'm like, eh, fuck it. I don't know.

If someone... I did a Pro Flowers delivery the other day and they fucked me over. I read that on Twitter. You got mad. I got so mad. That was the first time I saw like honest Sam, not funny Sam on Twitter. For the first time, he wrote a tweet that was about Pro Flowers fucking up not getting your girlfriend flowers for Valentine's Day.

And you were actually, you did what most comics do with the airlines. I hate when people are like, I became what I hate. Yeah, it's you. What happened with pro flowers?

They just didn't deliver her flowers. And they were like, it's been delivered. And I was on the phone with this woman and she was just mumbling. I couldn't understand

a word she was saying. And I was like, you fucked me. How many flowers did you order? I don't know. It was like the regular Valentine's amount, whatever. How many flowers did you order? I don't know. It was like the regular Valentine's amount,

whatever. No, I don't play that game. I don't do that. You don't do that ever? Fuck no, no way. Would you do anything for Valentine's Day? No, hug and a high five.

No, I don't, it's a fabricator. I don't like it. I'm not going to get like Bill Hicksey about it and be like, it's commercial. But no,

it's just one of these like things that I just don't, it has no resonance for me. It's like, I don't know why. It wouldn't, it would show for me, and I guess you're dating, but I think when you get married, it's showing that you're like,

I think you do it when you're married when you're forgetful about the rest of the important stuff. So you go, I did this though. That's what it feels like. It's like making up for all the other shit you did. I mean, you nailed it. My card said, sorry for all the other shit.

My B about the other stuff. So wait, you ordered and they never delivered it at all? And then they said they were delivered, and I was like, she didn't get them. And they were like, well, they've been delivered. And I was like, you fuckers. Do you think she likes the flowers, or do you think it's just a thing that... No, I just was like, I should just do this probably. I don't think she cared.

Yeah, in the future don't do that. I won't. Yeah. Send her something that's from you. Yeah. Chicks like shit that has nothing to do with... It has everything to do with you and their relationship. They don't like things that are like these symbols

of what they're supposed to like. I think they're smarter than that now. They didn't used to be, these bros. But we let them vote and they're catching up. You know what? It's a joke. It's a goddamn joke. Holy fuck, Canada. What if it wasn't? What if we just ran with

that for the rest of the podcast? You know what? We actually duped you. This isn't a comedy show. We have a message, okay? It's reversed the 19th Amendment or whatever it is. Is that 19th? I don't know. But no, I think getting them something when you can means more because I feel like I used to feel so much pressure.

You feel so much pressure to get the thing, to give them a thing, and you don't need to. Yeah, no, I fucked up. I'm gone. So was it Profile Wars' fault or was it your fault? Perhaps the universe was being like, you shouldn't have done this. Yeah, it was. I fucked up. Did you get your money back? Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, fucking my nose grew. I was like, you motherfuckers. You better... Let me tell you something. It's like every Billy Crystal character that ever just came out of you. Every Billy Crystal movie where he's swinging way out of his league

with the hottest actress. He's like, I'm not ready. I'm not ready to settle down with all this fucking pussy. Is that the first thing you thought about when you saw When Harry Met Sally? Of course. You couldn't fuck this girl in a million years.

No, of course not. But I guess he was cool in the movie. He played a cool guy. He was very quirky and funny. He was very cute and endearing. So it was a thing where it was like, hot girl who could fuck any guy will end up fucking the guy

who is sweet enough. I think he was an asshole in real life. Is he? I've befriended a few bartenders. That person left. Billy Crystal's here, you guys. There goes Billy. Billy, sorry.

What happened? Billy Crystal. Analyze that was my favorite movie. I will not sit around for you to track. Yeah, no, I've talked to just multiple people who say he's like the meanest person they've ever met. I remember I was friends with a bartender and I was like, who's the biggest asshole you ever met?

And he goes, it's not even close. It's Billy Crystal. Holy shit, really? Yeah, he goes, huge asshole. I like him a lot more. Okay, we have to go soon because the theater is going to kick us out. But I want to open it up just for a couple minutes.

If you have a fun, important question that you'd like to ask Sam or me or whatever, we'd love to take it. How about from the balcony? You got anything you want to ask up there, balcony? Cool. What's up? There you go. Okay, I have another

would you rather. Yeah. Would you rather kiss your friend's pants or kiss your own pants? So put my penis in my friend's pants? Or you mean pee on the outside of his pants?

Oh. Do you remember the weed culture thing I was talking about? I feel like I just weed, that's it. By the way, obviously I'd rather pee pants that are not mine. Yeah. I remember one time my friend actually, I had a roommate who was like, let me buy you lunch.

And I was like, oh, that's so nice. And he was wearing my fucking pants, and I had $20 in there. He was buying me lunch with my money and my pants that he was wearing. Was it Billy Crystal? By the way, I do love that. Very interesting, would you rather. I don't know where that came from in your head, but the answer is obviously piss in your friends.

Not even close. It's not a well-balanced would you rather, but I do appreciate it. Nonetheless, I appreciate you very much. Does anybody else have anything that they want to say before we go? Yeah, what's up, brother? I have a question. Did you leave teaching Joe because he was on Joe Mackey?

Oh, boy. Oh, my God. A loaded Joe Mackey question. Because it was four of us, and we're all on the road, and we couldn't do it remote. It was just too much for me. And for, you know. Thank you, man.

Thank you. Not anymore, apparently. Joe Mackey, if you don't know, is one of my best friends who I just troll on social media all day he's a great comic decent person but great comic go ahead

no no yeah no that's it'll never come back it'll never be back and it's dead forever go ahead it'll never come back. It'll never be back and it's dead forever. Go ahead.

Andrew, he's really one of the only real comics that is a great actor. Have you seen him in shit? It's unbelievable. Yeah, I'm okay. I'm not bad. I like it. I shouldn't have complimented him. No, it was very nice.

Nothing makes a comic more uncomfortable than being like, you're good. And they're like, dude, fucking just don't do that. It just feels like when you give a comedian a compliment, it feels like you caught me jerking off. You know what I mean? It's like I'm at your parents' house.

Are you in my pants when you're jerking off? Yes. What do you got right there? Why is he fat and racist? Well, you know what's honest? He actually, as a friend, has asked us to stop saying stuff like that. Because he doesn't like it.

And I genuinely don't think he's a fat and racist guy, but he is transphobic. What about right behind you? Somebody right behind you in the hat. It comes out tomorrow morning. First thing tomorrow morning. Yeah, there you go. Tomorrow morning it comes out. What about right behind you? Somebody right behind you in the hat. It comes out tomorrow morning. Tomorrow. First thing tomorrow morning.

Yeah. There you go. Tomorrow morning it comes out. And there's going to be something. I'll give you an inside tip. Oh, we're recording this. I don't know if I want to say it. Damn.

I'll do it when we turn the mics off, which we're never going to do. But it comes out tomorrow. But tomorrow morning. So I hope you enjoy it. It's filled with a lot of love and also hate. And I'll give you one piece of leaked fun for a future episode that we recorded

for fun because I know that I like to bring fun to the table. I brought an airsoft gun to the studio. And you'll see what happens. You'll see what happens. Alright, right behind you. Someone had one right behind you and then I think we gotta go. Yeah.

I feel like you know the answer to that question. And it's yes. Fuck yes. Who's we, by the way? How many people are you with? Just you two? Yeah? You see what you started? Everybody wants a ride now. Yeah. No, no,

honestly, you know why she asked that. That's not her fucking around. That's because the transportation here is absurd. They just got Uber. Really? A day or two ago. I'm not fucking kidding. And it's either the train here or cabs, right? Cabs. I like cabs. I'm a yellow cab man. Fuck that shit. It's old school.

I don't like that. I don't like that. They always have an attitude. They always fucking, they just ate. They always just ate. Every cabbie just ate. It's like a marriage. It's real.

Yeah. Yeah, that's how you like it. It is. It's also going to break down at some point. That's how you know. I don't, I just, yeah. You can't come with me, but I appreciate you going.

I hope to see you there. Okay, you guys, you two. I think they're going to kick us out of here soon. Do we have to get out right away? Is there another show here? He's not even listening. Do we have to get out? Can we have a couple more minutes? Okay, great. Cool. It's almost like I forced the hand. I was like, we can have a couple more minutes, right? What's up? So, honestly, dude, it wasn't that good. No, that's very nice of you to say that you enjoyed the show. I think America didn't think it...

It wasn't what people thought it was going to be. And Jim Carrey has a new project that he's doing on there, so I think that took a lot of the focus. And it was a lot of money. There was 10 of us. And it's a big, expensive show that we had to dress everything up for the 70s, and also Marvelous Miss Maisel won a lot of awards, so I think that was like a cue from the industry

to be like, you guys got to go. That's very nice. Thank you very much. But I mean that very genuinely. Marvelous Miss Maisel came out, and then the industry was looking at us being like, it's time to leave. You guys have to pack up.

You're done. But thank you for saying that. It was fun while it lasted. You, right there. I'll only answer this if you do a Mary Fuck Kill, Fuck Mary Kill. By the way, it's Fuck Mary Kill, Canadians. If you do a marry fuck kill fuck marry kill by the way it's fuck marry kill Canadians if you do this

for New York comics as well and Sam has to answer that side of it so you have to do three New York comics but what is it what's fuck marry kill

for West Coast people was what so yeah I think I would I think I would I would marry Bobby

because you don't have to fuck people that you marry So, yeah, I think I would marry Bobby because you don't have to fuck people that you marry. I would... I'd fuck D'Elia because he's got the best body by far, those guys. And he's got a pipe. These kids got a hog. Does he? Yeah, he does.

And I'd kill Callan because it's like... I mean, he's close anyway. You know what I mean? He's lived all his years. I'll do yours. How about this? Or does someone want to do three New York comics that fuck me? Say it.

Go ahead. Ooh, fuck, marry, kill. Fuck. So for people that can't hear, Chris DiStefano, Giannis Pops, Jan Pop, or Jim Norton, fuck, marry, kill. Oh, that's brutal. Come on. I guess. Fuck, they'd all be tough, that's brutal. Come on. I guess, fuck,

they'd all be tough to be married to. You know what I mean? Like, they're really, a lot of, like, I'd say Chris to marry, but he'd be cheating on me nonstop, you know?

But isn't that the part of the adventure with him? That is part of, you know what, I'm going to marry Chris. Yeah. I think Chris would be upbeat and I like that energy.

Fuck. I guess I got to fuck Gian you honest but i don't want to he's like the only guy you'd like fuck and he'd also be like telling you conspiracy theories he'd be like 9-11 was an inside job i'm like dude i'm soft i can't i can't he's like that's the way i like i guess i gotta kill norton i feel bad about it you're gonna kill norton you're not gonna because you couldn't be married to jim and you wouldn't want to pump him, huh? Damn, Norton might be... I would probably... It's your call, man.

I don't want to kill Norton. Fuck. Yeah. Damn. I'd probably kill DeStefano. What's that? That is true. That's true.

You know what, Norton... That's a good comedy fan up there. Sorry, Giannis. You're dead. Yeah, Giannis goes... DeStefano's got the trans experience. I mean, Norton has the trans experience. Let's give it a shot.

All right, let's do that. All right, we're going to have to wrap it up unless someone has one last thing to say. You've asked a question, and I'll give you one more. Besides your JFL show, do you guys plan on doing any of your local shows tomorrow? I'm leaving, so I'm not. I'm leaving tomorrow, so I'm done. But Sam's here. I'm doing the Biltmore tonight, leaving tomorrow so I'm done but Sam's here I'm doing the Biltmore

tonight I think so there's some tickets left you guys should come out yeah if you guys seriously if you want to see phenomenal fucking comedy go see this motherfucker

at the Biltmore which I've heard from we got told he's never you haven't been yet I don't know it's in the basement of a cool hotel

or something like that so sure I don't know it's a cool hotel people said it was cool. Oh, yeah. Yeah, so if you want to go see

fucking phenomenal comedy and not dog shit trash, then go watch Sam tonight at the Biltmore. And also, you said Keeping Joe. I don't do that podcast anymore, but I do do a basketball podcast now called Pod Don't Lie,

and I want you on it, man. I'll come. When you're in New York City, man. I'll come talk some fucking hoops. You're a Bulls guy. I'm a Knicks guy. We're both fucking losers right now. That's more than you. That's way more than you.

But I will do that. I would love to do that. Go see this, dude. I thank you guys so much for coming out. This is the episode and as you know, I let the guest, I leave and I let the guest

finish the episode with one word or a phrase. So I'm going to walk away and you finish looking at the camera and the crowd and tell them one word or a phrase. So I'm going to walk away, and you finish looking at the camera and the crowd and tell them one word or one phrase. Got it. All right. Standup.com slash Sam Morrell.

All right. Thank you. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You're that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse.

Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers.