Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Sklar Brothers

Episode Date: July 31, 2020

Santino sits down with Woody Allen's body double doubles, the Sklar Brothers to talk about who's the better looking twin, the worst gig they've ever done and we reveal which brother is addicted to huffing Elmers glue. ORDER SOME MERCH!!! https://www.andrewsantinostore.com GO TO www.andrewsantino.com FOR ALL THINGS CHEETO Check out all things SKLAR http://www.supersklars.com SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS! MANSCAPED - Clean up your face as well as beans and sausage https://www.manscaped.com Use promo code WHISKEY20 for 20% OFF DHM DETOX - Beat your hangovers!!! Take two pills before you drink to make the next day a breeze https://dhmdetox.com Use promo code WHISKEY for 20% OFF Join our Patreon : https://www.patreon.com/whiskeygingerpodcast Follow Santino on Insta and Twitter: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ https://twitter.com/CheetoSantino Whiskey Ginger Insta and Twitter: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeygingerpodcast/ & https://twitter.com/whiskeyginger_ Whiskey Ginger Clips: http://www.youtube.com/c/WhiskeyGingerPodcastClips EDITING AND PRODUCTION DESIGN BY THE AMAZING WHISKEY GINGER TEAM JENNA SUNDE https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday/ JOE FARIA https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria Y&S https://www.instagram.com/youngandsick/ Intro Music by Rocom: https://www.youtube.com/user/RocomTelevision Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's where it's at. You can also find the Patreon at andrewsantino.com. Check us out, the Whisk Jinge Patreon. I do one-on-one solo Cheeto chats. It's very fun. We're trying to just make some magic out of all the nonsense that's going on right now. This week's episode is super fun. I got a couple of buddies in here with me having a really good time,

two guys that literally despise each other, but for some reason they keep just working it out day by day, week to week. Uh, you know, that's love. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You are that creature in the ginger beer. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are pugilist. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on earth. I say that for all my guests, but I mean it once again. It is the Sklar brothers, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much for coming. I really appreciate it. It's great to be here. How's life?

Life is okay. I made probably the dumbest decision of my life in the midst of this pandemic. I decided to go on a diet, which I likened to, I guess, taking an oath of celibacy right before you're about to go to the Olympics as an athlete.

Right. Like I'm diving into that Olympic village just trying to, you know, keep it clean. It's a bad idea, man. You know, saving myself. No, it is so dumb.

It's like, what do you have on your hands right now? Time? Yeah. Access to grocery stores. That's pretty much all we got. Yeah.

And then I also have kids sitting around with like great food. Kid food is so good. It's the best food on earth it's so fucking good no rules no rules throw it out the window it's a it's like the end of a drunken night is all day for their meals yeah that's breakfast lunch and dinner breakfast lunch and dinner that was one of the first time i learned that like uh adults are not supposed to eat what kids can eat

like kids can eat pizza for breakfast absolutely but why are we not allowed to eat what kids can eat. Kids can eat pizza for breakfast. Absolutely. But why are we not allowed to? Why is this this social faux pas that we're looked down upon? By the way— It's not social. As you get older, it will kill you. I guess.

You say no because I think you're younger, but I'm telling you it will destroy you. Okay, look, if you had pizza for breakfast, but you had a smoothie for lunch and a salad for dinner, what's wrong with that? You're definitely going in the right direction by top-loading your day. Yeah, you switch it up. What is it? Breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince,

and dinner like a pauper? Isn't that the whole thing? I think it's breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and then dinner like a king transitioning to be a queen. So you're having that moment where you're like, I can't be like this anymore. I can't live like this. I can't have gout. I can't be 5'8", 210. So what are you – you don't want to turn into an egg? No. You don't want to be a round ball of a person anymore?

You don't want to be a round ball. So you've lost how much? I've lost 15 pounds. Wow. On Jenny fucking Craig. No, for real? Yeah, I'm a basic bitch. You're a JC girl.

JC girl. Jenny Craig. It's old school. I needed someone to be like, hey, here's what you cook. Poke holes in this dumb thing and put it in that thing for two minutes and then put it in your mouth. Is everything

organic from JC? Absolutely not. So how do they verify that this is better food for you? It's not that it's better. It's less. Smaller portions. It's less. And it's teaching you how to go less. I mean, I'm not trying to turn this into a seminar for those people. I'm just telling you what's going on. This show is sponsored by Jenny Craig right now.

We're doing a JC ad. This whole show turns into a JC ad. What I'm saying is that it's like what I realize, and this is sort of the life of a comic too when you get out on the road. Like everything's free. Like that's the thing that people don't realize. I feel like part of our lives is like when someone comps you something, at least for a second you consider it, right? Totally.

Even if it's something you don't need or you don't want. Yeah. So someone gives you a roast battle jacket that you would never wear and it says roast battle on the back. You're like, it's from the Comedy Central show. We did it. We battled each other. It's a great memento. And then it sits in your closet for like two years.

You don't do anything with it. Well, your wife or one of your kids will appreciate it when you're gone. When you're gone, right. When you're dead, it'll be a cool, dad used to do this thing that was neat. So as they hand it to you, they should be like, this is for your kids when you die. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So don't wear it. Don't put it on.

Put this in your when I die bin. There should be a when I die bin. You're right, though. I have a meltdown jacket that's very cool that Rosenstein gave to me. And it's like a Carhartt type of jacket. you're right though I do have I have a meltdown jacket that's very cool that Rosenstein gave to me and it says it's like a it's like a how do I say

it's like a Carhartt type of jacket you know a workerman's jacket you guys probably have it and it says meltdown on the back it stays it's in a bin in the garage it's never moved you won't wear it

I would never wear that so you know that when it's given to you for a second there's something inside of us maybe it's just like that's the mentality we have like we've worked our way up

within this comedy world to be given the free comp thing yeah because when you're because when you're an opener you don't get that thing and then when you're a feature you kind of don't get that thing and then when you're the headliner it's like hey we're bringing you drinks after the show and what do you guys want to eat we'll give it between the two shows you get what you want to eat and then you look at the menu and you're like all this stuff looks good and all of it's bad for you. So you just, you just take it all in and you do it because it's free. Yeah. So it's like reprogramming yourself to be like, hey, if it's free, because that's all the food on your kid's plate is free.

Yeah. You're like, hey, that's free. Let me have a little of that. And so you just are learning to like the moment where like I'll throw something away. You know what I mean? It's almost like, it's like passing up an open shot in a basketball game. It's the dumbest. Why?

Why would you? You have to go for it. You do, but if it's just outside of your range. So let's say you're 19 feet. As people, as comedians, as actors, we have to take the shot. Take the shot. That's ingrained in us. We've learned how to do that.

That's what we do. We go out. You see the shot. You take the shot. You want the ball at's ingrained in us. We've learned how to do that. That's what we do. We go out. You see the shot. You take the shot. You want the ball at the end of the game. I've seen you on stage. We've had to fucking follow you. There's that moment where you're like,

man, he's going for it. He wants it. A lot of people would step on the main stage on a Saturday night at the Comedy Store and be like, I don't want this heat. Oh, I love it. I go for it. You love it.

We love it. You guys walk right into the fire. We walk into the fire. We love it. Even if at times we know it's going to be a bloodbath. You follow Joe Rogan on that show. It's a bloodbath. Sure.

And that's not your fault. Everyone's checking out because they saw what they came to see, and you have to step into the aftermath and try to make something out of that. Even in that, we want it. Right. But you're – so like that's the ingrained mentality in your life. Yeah. And then you kind of just apply that to everything.

You apply that to when you're driving. You're like, I can get in that little crease. And you go, you take it. And you're like, okay, maybe that wasn't a good idea. With food, you do that too. You sit there and you go like, I can do that. I can do that. But then when you throw it away, when you pass up the 19-foot jumper because you can only really make a 15-foot jumper, you should be like, you know, that's your range.

That's where you're safe. When you dump a plate of like nuggets into the trash, you feel like a champion. Really? You do. There's like something inside you. You know what I'm doing? I'm going to pump fake on the 19 footer. Step in. I'm going to go right hard to the lane and take the foul. Which means to me, eat the nuggets, go for a run in an hour and a half.

That's what it is. Just go run that. You're still taking the shot. I'm still going to take a form of the shot. That's what, as we get older, that's it. You used the shot. I'm still going to take a form of the shot. Right. That's what, as we get older, that's it. You used to be able to just take the shot and then go to the bench. Right. Now I run every day.

So that's my excuse for eating bad stuff. You can still do it, and I applaud that, and I'm psyched that you're running. I just want people, you know what it is? Are you exercising as well as doing JC? Exercising as well, yes. I'm exercising. You're full into the program, dude. I'm trying to lose weight.

I'm trying to just be- And you lost 15. 15. That's really good. On my way to 25, which I want to do, which will make me insanely thin to the point where I do think

people will be like, are you sick? What's your key number of, I don't want to go any lower than this. What if you become obsessed and you get really scary thin? So I'm not going to lie, but I am crossing fingers for a Dallas

Buyers Club 2. I don't think McConaughey can get that low anymore. Not again, no. So if I can slide in and be that guy and just... Why not? Someone has to do it. What if your brother gains weight and you lose weight? What are you going to do on stage? We become Laurel and Hardy.

We do something like that. That's it, right. Or I don't know. I mean, look. I say your brother gains 50 and you lose 25. 25, 30. And then it becomes a whole new act. Right.

Who do you love more? Well, it's funny because we did this bit on this TBS show. And it was a bit we've always – Tournament of Laughs. Tournament of Laughs, which we've always tried to do on stage, and now I really want to do it on stage because it was our cousin asked us – or our cousin, who's like almost 70, lives in Austin. She, in the last five years, has become like a comedy nerd,

which is wonderful in some ways because she really understands our world. And she's 70 years old? Oh, yeah, yeah. She's hip. She's cool. She was married for a long time to one of the three guys that started South by Southwest.

So one of the originals. Lewis Black, not the comedian. Right. The editor of the Austin Chronicle. He's produced a ton of movies and stuff. And she's like, like she knows you. Like she's a fan of yours like

she knows every single comic i'm not saying you're obscure i'm just saying shout out to her by the way hey ann and love you so she was like after a show the next day we had brunch with her she saw us at cap city and went out to lunch and she said look i have some notes about your comedy and like and is the best come on i love did she bring like a notepad oh yeah oh dude she's the best so Randy's like I'm like I don't want to hear

any of these notes Randy's like I want to hear all of these notes yeah dude so the first thing she said was I think you guys don't have enough conflict on stage there's not enough like

she wants a narrative she wants battle between the two of us which incidentally we went on and did the roast battle on Comedy Central we batt battled each other, which was super fun and a great experience. But so she said, I think you should argue more on stage. And Randy later said to me, this is a real conversation we had in the cab back to wherever we were going. He's like,

what if she, you know, maybe she's right. What if she's right? What if that's what's keeping us from reaching the next level in our career? You know, I think we should at least consider it. I'm like, no, there's no way we're going to do that. And he's like, well, I think we should do it. And I'm like, no, I'm not going to argue with you. And he's like, well, I think you should. And I'm like, I absolutely don't think we should. And then it became a massive argument, which we then play out on stage.

That's the bit. Which is the bit. So Anne, is she getting any money for this? She wants money. You guys owe her something for the bit. Here, this is what we always say

about being a comedy team and we do owe her money for the bit. The best part about being a comedy team is that we get to split the money. 50-50? It's 50-50. Don't you think you deserve 60, he deserves 40?

If he gains... You've said that to me off stage. think you deserve 60, he deserves 40? If he gains— You've said that to me offstage. I have said that to you offstage. If he gains more weight, then he might need more. Okay, so he gets 60, you get 40. Because we're spending less on food. It's a struggle. It's a struggle.

The struggle is real. I don't want to make our struggles bigger than what America's going through right now, but— That's more important in my opinion. Thank you. I knew you would say that. Do your wives get along very well? Yeah, they do. Here's the reason I ask.

Why? What if one wife didn't like the other wife or didn't like the other family, and then she started doing the thing where it's like, I think you deserve 55 and he deserves 45. Well, you know. Has this ever come up in the family argument? Never, huh? Do you want it to come up?

Here's why. I have a family friend I'm not going to mention whose father and brother work together. And there's an uneven division of labor and of payout. So it becomes an extremely large fights within the family. Dude, family businesses are tough. You have one. Have you ever have you guys ever gotten to a point when it's become close to cutting it off because of business? No, I'll tell you why.

Here are two reasons why. This is a great question. Two reasons why. One, because doing this is, once you have kids, and I'm not saying kids are a bad thing, I'm saying kids are a horrible thing. I'm saying kids are wonderful.

They're great. It's also hard as shit. And let me give you the TV show or movie equivalent, all right? Sure. In our stand-up life, we are number one on the call sheet. One and one A, which I'd be one and he'd be one A. Of course. One B or C.

C, right. So that's who you are on the call sheet. People call you up. You're next on stage. What are your credits? Can I get you a drink? We're bricking you are on the call sheet. People call you up. You're next on stage. What are your credits? Can I get you a drink? We're bricking you up for press tomorrow morning. Coffees will be ready for you, sir.

Very excited to have you here. We're announcing your name. We got your merch set up outside. Someone's taking care of you all the time. You're number one. Then you go into your family, and you rapidly, if you have two kids, you become number four. You go down to number four, and you have to default to number four. So girl, I'll tell you that.

Everyone will tell you that. It doesn't matter how big your Netflix special is. It doesn't matter how big you are. I was saying this about Obama. Obama probably, with Sasha, with teenage kids, probably would walk in after doing some amazing deal where he saved the world in some capacity or brokered a deal between two nations

and walk in and be like, hey girls, how's everything going over there? And there's a moment where like, God, dad, you're so dumb. You don't get it. Shut up. Shut up, dad. I need five minutes.

So you go down to number four on the carlet. So the desire to enjoy that moment on top and be together, this is like a vacation. I, we, I was describing it this way in another way too. And this is another reason why we will never break this thing up.

Cause it's too fun. It's too fun to be in that position. And I think if we broke it up, we would never, it'd take us too long to get back to that spot. Right. We've created something interesting. We still feel like we have more to do.

So if we have shit that we have to deal with, with each other parents always taught us this get into it and get over it it's those two things right go is get into it fight it out and then two minutes later you got to be fine that's what brothers mostly do mostly but you know for our perspective you know that's the vacay getting to go together and do something that's half the the fun. So there was the show Hard Knocks, which I don't know if it's coming back, but because I don't think the preseason. I doubt it, but I'd love it. So Hard Knocks did it a few years ago on the Miami Dolphins, and there was just a little moment.

If you are a parent, you understand this to the nth degree, and you may have watched it and not even registered this moment. So there was a rookie who was rooming with an older guy, right? And they had suddenly a day off the next day. And the rookie was saying to the older guy who had a family and kids, like, hey man, what are we doing tomorrow? We got a day off.

What are we going to do? And the older guy's like, you remember when we were running the stairs and we all thought we were going to throw up or whatever and it was really hard? That was my day off. I got to be with my kids tomorrow. That's hard work.

So you go back, and you go out, and it doesn't matter if they wake up early and do press. It doesn't matter if you got to get a saddle it up and do two shows on a Saturday night. It's fun. It's just too much fun. So there's no ego. There is no ego.

Have you had to ego check one another ever? Once or twice. I did Curb. I did an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm, which meant that he basically couldn't do it. I think he was bummed about that. But you did tell me. You told me personally off air that they said they didn't want him on the show. They specifically requested me.

Jeff Garland did. They said that. They said that we don't want your brother. I went but Randy, and then I got it. So thank you. And they said he can come. They let him come to watch, which I think was a little diminutive. Right.

Well, they thought for a while that we had to observe the same rules as the Olsen twins, and I could only work four hours. And then switch and go to school. Right. Here's the thing. I knocked it out in three hours, just so I could avoid. Oh, because you avoided. I didn't want him on camera at all.

I want to broach another rumor here. A lot of people have said you're not identical twins, that you are actually fraternal twins and you got surgery at a young age to, your parents got surgery to match his face, that you got. So here's what's interesting. Yeah. We are fraternal twins. Right.

We did have surgery. Yep. But we didn't have surgery to look like each other we both had surgery to look like another person oh wow yeah so they so they went ahead and tried to make they didn't want one to feel like he looks too much like who's the person you're trying to look like mel brooks oh okay and you know what and it kind of does works right but you've got you've got more hair your face is a little bit thinner you guys have some of the features, I've got to tell you. You didn't do a bad job.

It's an imperfect science. I mean, you're talking about molding a person's face. It's like on MTV, like the MTV shows where they're like, make me look like that guy, I think is the name of the show. Make me look like the guy. I hate my face or whatever. Here, take my face. Here, take my face.

That's why we said this about MTV. We said this on our podcast about MTV shows. Now they're just telling you what the show is in the title yep i'm 16 and i'm pregnant i'm mad that's my mom and she's gay like it's like that's the whole show it's that's my mom and she's gay is a good show it's a good i'm not gonna lie that's a really good show but don't you want that anymore don't you want authenticity in television anymore because now we've come to a place where if it's not going to be scripted if it's a non-script or a whatever they want to call those are reality yeah but whatever we want to call it this day in this day and age don't you want it to just be like i've talked about it before my favorite show is

alone do you know alone where they sent out to the middle of the arctic and you have to live yes yeah i know what it's about they're all alone why do i need more fodder? I know. But there is still like a layer of abstractness or obtuseness in the title. Like Alone could be the story about Sarah Jessica Parker and her marriage. If you showed me a picture of the Arctic, though. Okay. To Matthew Broderick, right? Yes, yes. So it doesn't have to be a guy in the – yes.

But yes, it applies. But it could apply to many things. If it was I'm stuck in the Arctic by myself, that applies but it could apply to many things if it was i'm stuck in the arctic by myself that's what mtv would call it yeah i don't have shit and i'm in the arctic yo what's up i might die out here presents guy alone in the arctic nick caron cannon these jews got me out here in the arctic what the fuck does he hate jewish people is that what that was here's what i did instead of reading into it like I probably should have, I just tweeted, Nick Cannon's the greatest rapper of all time. And comedian.

I'm sorry, I said and comedian of all time. Just to troll the idea of this guy. Look, I've never seen a guy do more with less in the history of our business. And I'll talk shit. You don't have to. I just didn't get it. So I didn't get that it was like, well, you're angry at a guy who you've

let go this far without that much talent really does go to show how bullshit our business is like oh you're mad about a guy that really wasn't talented that just proved to you that he has these weird relationships with people who might be who racist and he's got he's just gotten too far without being a thing when you're when you can be the jack of all master of none yeah and then they let you be famous for it well then they find out who you really are later and they're like oh you just you suck and we just didn't even realize kind of pokes a hole in the jews control the media and are keeping you out uh is that oh was that his theory i mean it kind of was part of it. I mean, there is like Jews control everything.

Well, if they control everything... How did you get so famous? I mean, you must have skirted the system, bro. Yeah. Because look at where you are and look at where... Like, Randy and I should be hosting Wild N' Out if the Jews control the media. But they didn't offer it to you guys. No. And I still go back to this day and say they should have.

That should have been us and Deshaun Jackson. Yeah, why wouldn't it? And Steven Jackson. And all the Jacksons? All the Jacksons. You want all the Jacksons. The Jackson 2. And you guys.

How great would that show be? The Jackson. Deshaun Jackson. Deshaun Jackson, Steven Jackson, Latoya Jackson, Jermaine Jackson. And. Tito. There's the Jackson 5. That's the Jackson 5.

The new Jackson 5. Jackson 5 reinvented. They could probably get Bubbles the monkey. I got to tell you, Steven Jackson wouldn't do it. That's the Jackson 5. The new Jackson 5. Jackson 5 reinvented. They could probably get Bubbles the monkey. I got to tell you, Steven Jackson wouldn't do it. He would never do it. No, no, no. But he's the only one you'd lose. You'd have to get a new Jackson in there.

All he does. Lamar? Lamar Jackson would be great. But all he does, Lamar Jackson right after he's been concussed. Right. Just like for the three hours after a horrible hit. You sucker him in with a contract. He's like, I think, what is this for?

And they're like, it's for health and well-being. You got it. You're on it. No, I think Steven Jackson, all he does in every show is just, it's a little video of him being like, take your name out of my mouth. Take my name out your mouth. Don't put my name out your mouth. Take my name out your mouth.

And that's his contribution to the show. Certain athletes are able to transition between being like aggressive and angry on the court and then being very sweet and soft and subtle and it's funny to watch how some guys can turn that on and turn that off yeah of like oh no i'm like a nice cool guy and i'm like a family guy and all that stuff but like i'll also kick your teeth into your throat so i would argue that barkley is one of those guys same yeah yeah Yeah. Yeah. He's that guy. But Barkley, but that's the difference is that Barkley enjoyed all the success after the game. Yeah.

Steven Jackson has not. Right. And probably will not. Maybe not. No. Steven Jackson is like Latrell Sprewell. Remember when Latrell Sprewell bought like a yacht for Wisconsin, for up in Wisconsin.

Yes. And you're like, I don't know how much yachting you're going to be doing. Yeah. It's a bad idea. It's a bad idea to put that out there. Do you think it's weird that Latrell Sprewell got associated with rims and Sprewell spinners and that became a part of culture,

even though he had almost nothing to do with them? No, but he should have made new Heimlich maneuver posters. Oh. Because his most famous move was to choke a guy who looked very much like you when you think about it. Yeah. Could you play PJ Carlissimo

in the PJ Carlissimo story? I could be. I'd probably be a little bit closer to the white mamba. I'd be closer to the white mamba. To Scalabrini? I'd be closer to him than anything else.

But here's the thing, and this is what I love about you, and this is what you, I'm not, let me say, I have trust in your acting chops that you can pull off another accent.

You sitting in the Chicago accent going deep, deep, deep into it for me is my favorite thing. That would be, right, you're right. When I feel that in your act, when I feel you just, when a word kind of goes away,

Chicago for me. I do sometimes, yeah. I love it. I lose it if I'm getting very emotional. But do you guys have hate for Chicago because you're St. Louis kids? No, you know, it's almost like you feel bad for them for so long. You feel bad for us?

I did. You're from Missouri, and you feel bad for us? Look, I did. We had a lot of friends from Chicago. You know, we're Cardinals fans. It's the best city in the world, though, Chicago. And you know it. Chicago's the best. St. Louis is nice.

I didn't, I've never, I've never had any beef with St. Louis because of the sports rivalry. But the city itself, I enjoy. St. Louis is a great place to be from. And that is not a knock on St. Louis. Yes, it is. No, it isn't. You know it is. No, it isn't.

You know St. Louis people are listening to me like, what does that mean? I still live here. I will say that my kids love St. Louis so much. It is like a kid heaven to go back there. My mom is still there. Our mom is there. She has a

life there. Even though she's had two strokes, she's surviving. Two strokes. Two strokes. A horrible second stroke. Which didn't debilitate her in any way other than? In language only. In her ability to, it's like the printer cord's not connected from the computer, the printer. That's fine. You just need to reconnect.

Right. So sometimes it may never happen. Sometimes she wants to say something and the wrong word comes out and you have to try to guess what she's meaning at. But she knows what she means. And she can just live her life. She knows what she needs to do. If she doesn't have to talk to someone, she knows how to drive to the store. She knows how to live her life. So she can take care of herself. And she is always, to me, associated with this benevolent St. Louis. So I love St. Louis. I love going back there. The cool thing about St. Louis is if you

make it at any capacity, the city embraces you. The pride. The cool thing about St. Louis is if you make it at any capacity, the city embraces you. The pride. I mean, look, you've had tremendous success. There are massive Chicago people. No one gives a shit about me in Chicago. Get behind Oprah. Get behind Obama. Get behind, I mean, I think Obama.

I'm 30 steps behind Vince Vaughn. Vince Vaughn. Eddie Vedder. And Piven has this connection to it. Because of the theater. His mom in the theater, yeah. And then everyone from Second City, and then...

Yeah, I'm done. You're done. Even people that weren't from Chicago... Who came there to be successful. Yeah, like Will Ferrell has this connection to Chicago because of the Harry Carey thing. Right. People in Chicago kind of associate him

as one of our own. He's an L.A. guy. Yeah, he's from here. He's a Groundlings guy. I know, it's so weird. But they just, because of the nature of those relationships... I mean, even uh uh um comic uh Triumph why can't I think of his name Smigel Smigel yeah Smigel is

inherently this Chicago guy but I think he's from New York right yeah he's not from he's not from there no but people people in Chicago love him like he's a so so they're I'm never gonna get noticed okay so that's what we're saying i'm never gonna matter you're not gonna you yeah you could matter i of all people i'll never throw out a first pitch at a cubs game but i will at the kane county cougars game i'm sure i'll be able to do that we've thrown out the first pitch at a cardinals game no you know i can throw out a first pitch at the cubs game but that's i it funny. You should. I told my team I didn't want to do it. I want to sing the stretch.

That's the goal. In Chicago that is the highest. Well, I'm waiting. I'm waiting to get to the point when I can sing the seventh inning stretch. Then I will feel like I've done something with my head. Dude, that is a rival. I mean, for us, it was throwing out the first pitch. For us, it's two things. One, throwing out the first pitch of the Cardinals game,

which we did. Randy tried to drop down and throw a sidearm. He ended up throwing it so far left, he brushed back Rachel Maddow. So I threw, of course, through a strike. It was on a Jose Oquendo

bobblehead night because we tried to get it. Jose Oquendo, the greatest utility player of all time. We tried to get him into the Hall of Fame on our ESPN special.

We did a whole special. But I will say, you did a strike, but it was a little inside. It was just a little... A little inside baseball? Yeah, a little inside baseball. I threw a hook. I threw a curve. You threw a curve. We threw out the first pitch in Cleveland also.

We were asked to do a Cleveland game because we were in town. Because there were not enough people at the stadium? Yeah, they literally were like, can you play left field too? This was a few years ago. And so we threw out the first pitch and i did a that thing where this is when this was still legal where i faked like i was going to third before i threw the pitch and then turned around like i was going to throw back to first love that fooled everyone and there's a youtube video that you can see of of this and you can hear from where

they took the video the you hear a guy going, throw the ball. I'm like, why do you have a New York accident in Cleveland? And I come back up to the booth where we are with the Cleveland Indians booth. And someone's like, hey, that guy over there was like yelling throw the ball during your pitch. So I went over to him. I'm like, hey, buddy, I'm not a confrontational guy. I said, hey, man, why are you yelling throw the ball? He's like, because you're messing around. I'm like, hey, buddy. I'm not a confrontational guy. No. I said, hey, man. Why are you yelling throw the ball? He's like, because you're messing around.

I'm like, where do you have to be? You're like 38 minutes early to a Cleveland Indians game in August or September. Your team is mathematically eliminated. You're in a booth. You're in a box. What do you care if I do a gag on the mound? What's the bit, bud? How dare you yell that?

He's like, I have three hours and 27 minutes. That's all I'm allowed to be here for. And you're messing up my time. Then they sub me out for one of the Olsen twins. I can only work four hours at a game. You guys have done a ton of stuff in your career. Tell me what you have hated the most. You guys have done a lot of stuff.

There's got to be stuff that you have disliked the most? You guys have done a lot of stuff. There's got to be stuff that you have disliked the most. Because I can tell you a lot of stuff. Please tell me all the things you hated. No, no, no. But tell me seriously what you guys have not liked. We did a show many, many years

ago. We just hated the execution of it. And it also just was the function of where it was we just... And it also just was the function of where it was. We hosted a show on ABC. This was a thing. It was Carsey Warner, which I love those guys. They did Roseanne. They did a bunch of other great shows. The old Roseanne before she went off the rails. The original Roseanne.

And they did... They've done a bunch of other shows. Maybe they did the Cosby show? Jesus Christ, they're associated with so many. They're hit makers. Winners. And so they did the show. We started coming in to audition for it, and it was just goofing on clips off the internet. Now, this is like 2000.

Okay? It's like Tosh almost? Pre-Tosh by like eight years. But similar format. Similar format. Sure. Kind of. But on ABC at 7 p.m.

Now, they were also doing America's Funniest Home Videos. I was just going to say, that's America's Funniest Home Videos. Right? So we start, you know, they're showing some things. This is before we even did Cheap Seats, too. So we were like riffing on it, and we just kept coming in to audition, and there would be like this hosty guy. Like I think Seacrest cameing on it, and we just kept coming in to audition. And there would be this hosty guy. I think Seacrest came in on it, and other people were going in on it.

These good-looking hosty people and a model-y woman were going in and doing it. And then me and Randy would go in. And they said, give us two Mel Brooks lookalikes. Give us two ugly Jews. And we were like, eh. So we go out there, and we just kept making jokes. And we kept getting further in this audition process. And we're like, so we go out there and we just kept making jokes. And we kept getting further in this audition process. And we're like, what is this show? And honestly, if it's America's

Funniest Home Videos for the internet, we don't want to do it. And we just kept advancing to the point where then we get the job. And then it's like, okay, so how are we going to be able to do what we want to do at this time slot on this channel in this moment? And of course we couldn't. Everyone was hamstrung and tied course we couldn't. Everyone was hamstrung and tied, and we couldn't do the things we wanted to do. And the show came out on a Friday. We shot four of them. They paid us for 13 of them. God bless them. That's amazing. Good agents. Thanks, ABC. And then on on a Friday, canceled on Monday. That's great. And it was great. We didn't have to... So it was a blip on the screen. But then we were doing, we did Voices on the Oblongs, which was a great show,

animated show. Will Ferrell was on the show. Pam Siegel on the show. Great people. Billy West on the show. Awesome show. And it came out like six months after this one. And we were sitting on stage with all these people at the TCAs.

I'm sure you've been to the TCAs, Television Critic Association. And you got Will Ferrell on stage. You got like these like... And he was on SNL at the time and like huge, huge, huge. And you got two different critics raise their hand. They're like why did you guys do that horrible show dot comedy

dot comedy, which is a terrible name. That was the name of it? Yeah. Why would you do that show? And then someone else was like, yeah, what was the deal? They're like, let me piggyback on that guy's mean question. And we literally stood up and we're like, hey, do you know Will Ferrell's on stage? Why do you care about our dot comedy show? I'm so curious to hear what he has to say about something else.

And so we shut it down. But it was like, man, why do we do it? Because I need money. Because I'm a performer who wants to, I don't know what to tell you. I talked to my friend about this very subject last night. Yeah, we're artists in whatever version of that you want to say, but like,

we also want to like survive and live. There's this weird thing that's like, why would you do something that didn't turn out the right way? It's like, what? Isn't that the crux of our entire lives as people? We're all doing stuff that doesn't really turn out or work out the way we plan or intended.

And we also want to get paid to do some of those things. And also, you don't know what it's going to be. Yeah, you have no idea what it's going to turn out to be. Until you start doing it, until it gets put together, until restrictions come down, until people start meddling with it or they don't. Right. Everyone goes into everything with great intentions and you realize what a miracle it is to ever

be on anything ever, ever, ever. It's a miracle. You hit the lottery. You hit the lottery. That's why we feel so lucky. We're in the only business that I know where we're just begging to work. Yeah. Please, I want to work.

Yeah, everyone else is like, I can't wait to get home. Right. The song Working for the Weekend is the antithesis of a comic's career. I'm going to work the rest of my life. I'm working at the weekend. I'm going to work at the weekend. Yeah, I want to work at the weekend. That's right. Tell me the nickname or phrase that you call your brother that he doesn't know

behind his back to either your family or your friends. Oh, jeez. What's the thing that you say that he doesn't know? And he's never going to hear this or even know about this, but what's the thing? I don't even know if I have a derogatory. You have something very rude that you call him that we've all heard. There's a couple of Reddits about it. You know, I think he's just so shallow.

Shallow is the word. Yeah, shallow end. Kiddie pool, I think I call him. The kiddie pool, that's the thread. The Reddit thread is the kiddie pool. Kiddie pool. He's real interested in like appearances and he doesn't go too deep.

So. Did you reel him back because he is one of those guys who is super materialistic. He's very, he's very into flashiness. Yeah. At one time at the store,

I think he was wearing two Rolexes on each wrist. Two Rolexes. And you said, dude, you got to take them off. We're going on stage. Right.

And I saw you guys get into an argument. We did. And then our cousin nearby said, put that in the act. We're going on stage. Right. And I saw you guys get into an argument. We did. And then our cousin nearby said, put that in the act. Put that in the act. In here, we pour whiskey. Summer is in full effect. And you got to keep yourself clean, ladies and gentlemen.

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upstage you or you know frontline you and what and why do you think that is is it he's insecure total insecurity it's like if you can stand back and be like i got the punch line i'm ready to go i'm i can actually deliver this and knock it out of the park there's a quiet confidence that you have it's like the first person who steps up and talks it's like the first person who needs to say something in an interview who's a better writer? Because we did a fan poll. You can look right here. There's a fan poll right there. And what do they say?

It's you. Jesus. And it's overloaded by how many people said that you were funnier. I mean, it's just a better writer, I should say. I'm sorry. Better writer, better performer. Sure, that's part of it. I think we do, in all honesty, I think we do different things better.

I think we do, like, there's a physicality to what I think I do on stage. It's very subtle. But there is more of a physicality and more of a cerebral nature to what he does that is fine. But I'm happy to go out a little bit further on a limb and make myself look stupid. Be honest with me. Sure. Do you think you're better looking? Than him? Yeah. Yeah, of course. be honest with me sure do you think you're better looking than him yeah yeah of course right i mean do you think people say it all the time that you're you're so much hotter than your brother i'm like wow that's but and they're i'm listen yeah i'm

only going off the confidence of other people yeah people what people have been saying what i'm saying like i'm not this isn't like an internal thing. And it's like when, do you know the actor Stephen Tobolowsky? No. Great actor. Ned Ryerson. Oh, Needle Ned. Needle Nose Ned. And he's been in everything.

Yes, I love him. Great guy. We did a, we're fortunate enough to do a movie with him years ago and spent a lot of time with him, like seven weeks on this film. Right. And. Alive still? Yeah, yeah.

Okay. He's amazing. But he, he's fascinating. He's an interesting, wonderful person. But he talked about getting clairvoyant messages sent to him and being able to read people based on the tone of their voice. It was a fascinating and interesting thing. And the thing he said, and this is the thing that a lot of people who are mediums say, they're like, I don't want this power. So it'd be like

if you were walking down the street and you started to hear like dead people talk. You're like, I don't fucking want this. You think I want to hear dead people talk? I don't want to hear

dead people talk. And instead it like goes through. That to me, the reluctant, it's like always the person who's like, hey, I love this. That's,

you got to be wary of that person. They're sick in the head. It's the person who's like, listen, I just want to be a butcher. I don't want to talk to the. It's the person who's like, listen, I just want to be a butcher. I don't want to talk to the dead. You know what I mean? I just want to do my job. But you're just better at cutting the meat. That's right.

That's just what it is. You just know how to slice the meat much better. I know how to slice it. I know how to give you a lean slice if you ask for it. We were talking for a second ago before we were on camera officially that you're a hybrid guy, and I've talked about the reason that you're trying to say that you're going to prove me wrong. I'm an electric guy. Car guys, you'll never get to flip to full electric.

Why? So I don't understand why. I think you haven't spent enough time with electric vehicles. Now, it's true. You cannot drive your wicked Pontiac Grand Am or whatever you're driving, your Trans Am. What year are you from? Did you just fall out of a time hole? Yeah, I did.

I just fell out of it. You can't drive your Thunderbird up to the Dairy Queen. And if you're a woman, you can't drive your white Celica convertible. No, you can't drive your electric car across the country.

Yes, there are Tesla stations where you can plot it out. And actually, they'll tell you on your giant computer screen. Okay, 50 miles, you stop off here country yes there are tesla stations where you can plot it out and actually they'll tell you on the on your giant i've seen it yeah okay 50 miles you stop off here and you charge up in it but that's a pain in the ass because you gotta charge for two hours or an hour you if there's a supercharge you can i've done it you've done i traveled around in a tesla and i had to wait and then i ended up eating mcdonald's a lot so this is a problem for traveling whatnot and i would say rent a car if

you're going to do a long car trip or rent a van or something like that. But if you're driving around in the city, it is – I drive a Chevy Bolt. It's small. It is so fucking fast. Like I zip around people. It's a little go-kart. I can anger drive in a Bolt. And then people see you and they see that you're driving an electric car, and they can't get mad at you.

Like, I cut someone off, and they want to throw their drink at you, and then they're like, oh, thanks for sending me. But when I cut somebody off, they want to come hit me. Yeah, they're like, you cut me off, and you fucking killed the environment. Yeah. But I just think you just like the rev of the engine is what you were saying. Well, like the feel, right? There's a couple of cars right now. Porsche has an all-electric, a new all-electric vehicle.

That's their newest sport, Porsche. And it has an engine function where it emulates the sound and feel of an engine. Yeah, it's like a sex doll. You're like, it's not the same thing. I want the real thing. That's my point. It's like, why are we even playing the game? All right, all right, all right.

So let me ask you this. And by the way, I have a sex doll in my engine car. That's right. She stays in the front seat. It comes standard. This comes standard. Would you like the sex doll in the front or the back? We're giving you the small dick sex doll, pal.

It only goes in an inch and a half. So if you have to have the engine, are you... What if your wife said, I'm getting fake tits for you? Okay. Would you be like, great? Or would you be like, no? The first thing I would say is how much because I'm paying

for them. True. Right. So I'd go, how much are we getting them for? Are we getting a discount? Are these done in Mexico? Are we going to Tijuana? Let me see what things we're not getting because of this. Yeah, because of the fake tits. I'll have to explain that to my family and friends.

If my wife said, I want to get fake boobs. Would you say, no, I like the real ones. I just like. Probably. Yeah. Honestly. Yeah. Yeah. I can't. To me, fake boobs. That's what you were I like the real ones. I just like – Probably, yeah, honestly, yeah.

Yeah, I can't – to me, fake boobs, that's what you were saying about the sex doll. It's like, yes, that looks like a woman. Yes, it maybe looks like the most beautiful woman that they could ever construct, but it's not real. Just like these two things that are hanging down. That's why I like the real engine. Real engine. I can't have the fake engine, but I do think there is a lot of value in the idea of electric. I do think it should be the future as long as the government can subsidize the feeling you get and the government does subsidize it yeah but it has to be bigger it has to be so are you

joking to younger to people who can't really afford it is dude how i'm telling you i got like a 2500 rebate on this how does a guy who makes less than 20 grand a year afford that car easily you lease it because whatever you put down they have no credit and they have nothing well if you have no credit that's your fault hey you should have better fucking credit no but the you don't care about the people you're not a man of the people no i just think i think i think this is actually this is a trans union intervention i'm here to talk to you about your credit we're here to talk we're uh do you have enough insurance at home that's what we're selling right now i I do at some point understand it's probably better. That's what I would say to young people, though.

Have good credit because that is the doorway. Well, don't get nine credit cards and buy stuff in college. Exactly. But predatory loans should be eliminated. This is a government conversation now. This is way too deep. But I will say this. Every time I drive past a gas station in my electric car, I'm like, fuck you.

It feels so good. It feels so good to be like, you feel like you've just weaned yourself off of something. That's right. Well, I mean, I feel that way about Arcos. I just won't stop at an Arco because those are my only gas stations.

Because you hate anything that's directed by Ben Affleck? I fucking hate Arco. I hate Arco. You know why? And everybody that drives a gas car understands. Let's hear it. Arco charges You know why? And everybody that drives a gas car understands. Let's hear it. Arco charges you for if you put in a debit card, which I don't. It's a pay it and switch.

Yes, and they're less up at the price tag, but at the pump, you have to pay 45 cents for the use of a card. It's disgusting. And out of principle. They get you. They're like, oh, wow, this is 309? Out of principle. 309? I haven't seen 309 in a long time. And then, oh, wow, this is three out of three. Three or nine. That's what I haven't seen. Three or nine a long time.

And then, boom, you put the card. I was hoping some of the protests for George Floyd were going to make their way to Arcos and set those things on fire. Well, hang on a second. I was hoping. I don't know. I was like, blow up some gas stations. Go to Arcos. Conflate those two.

No, I can. I can. They're mad at corporations. Arco is bullshit. Blow them the fuck up. OK, I'm not. I'm not. I'm not.

I'm not saying we should. I didn't ask your brother this because I know the answer. Sure. Who has the better family? My family's pretty great. I have an all-star family. But he's got a great family. He's got a great family. I love his family. I love his kids. His six-year-old is going to be seven.

She's rounding into form, starting to show some like, you know, she made some rookie mistakes. Rounding into form. It sounds like her bones weren't connected for you. Yeah, and she's just, you know, she made some rookie errors. And then you start to realize, okay, hey, you have to start carrying the bags for your older brother. You're the rookie here. Like you can't be demanding stuff all the time. That makes sense. She's losing teeth teeth she's starting to gain a good

sense of humor she's good i have like people in my house i've got a 15 year old daughter who i'm gonna start to learn teach her how to drive soon wow and i have an almost 13 year old daughter you also have a 40 year old kid that you don't talk about ever right uh and i we should really cut that out we don't we won't cut it out because I want to talk about it. I do not want to give... You have a 40-year-old son who lives in Saskatchewan. He's a chef.

In Saskatchewan in Canada. He's a chef, and he is, I mean, I say chef loosely. He works at a... He's a cook. He's a line cook. He's at a Golden Corral.

Right. He's the one who sets up the Chocolate Wonderfall. He does? Yeah. That might be chef status. I mean— They don't let anybody just do that.

Do you feel bad that we're in this time? One of the things I think we miss more than anything by going to restaurants is when someone were to bring out a baked Alaska, which is the dessert you light on fire. I love baked Alaska. And people who are not receiving this, other people start to clap. I think it's awesome. Applause from other tables. You get excited about it. Over a dessert that you're not going to eat.

But they're excited for your happiness, isn't that what we need as people again? So when I first saw, I saw the second Pirates of the, and this is going to determine how much I like you as a human being, Caribbean or Caribbean? First of all, it's the Caribbean. Thank you very much. Why do we even pretend that it's the Caribbean? Pirates of the Caribbean. And I saw the second movie in Long Island.

I was like with my wife and her family out in Long Island. And we go to a movie theater in Long Island on the Friday night that it drops. So this is the premiere weekend. And the first movie was such a huge success. So something happened in that movie theater that made me instantly hate everybody and love the situation

that I was in. So movie starts first five minutes or so, whatever. Johnny Depp's character, Jack Sparrow, comes on screen in a movie theater in Long Island. People fucking clap. Sure they do. I'm like, for who? Jack Sparrow comes on screen in a movie theater in Long Island, people fucking clap. Sure they do. I'm like, for who?

Jack Sparrow, dude. But for who? Jack Sparrow. He's not there. He can feel it in his heart. He's not there. I felt it in my heart when you clapped for me in Long Island. He's not there.

He felt it. Why? Why do this? To me, this was the dumbest thing I've ever seen. It was like when we were kids, we went to the St. Louis Muni Opera. We had tickets to go see plays there. We saw Annie Get Your Gun. That's great.

And with Florence Henderson, the great Flo Hay. Wow. May she rest in peace. Yeah. And the dog from Empty Nest. Okay. The dog who played the dog in Empty Nest played the dog in this thing. And I remember the dog came out on stage.

People lost it. People clapped. Yeah. Like, this dog doesn't know what the fuck is going thing. And I remember the dog came out on stage. People lost it. People clapped. I'm like, this dog doesn't know what the fuck is going on. He does not. He can feel that. I have a dog, and I'm telling you, he does not. They deserve the clap. If you clap at a dog, they think they're doing something wrong.

Right. The dog was looking around like, what did I do? Where did I go? Did I not hit my mark? Maybe he didn't. Maybe he needs to be corrected. Are you a clap or a whistle guy after the singing

of the national anthem at a sporting event? I was very stoned at a Laker game one time and I realized I am a whistle guy. Many people after the national clap and I go like this.

I'm that guy. Are you a whistle guy? Well, after I get up from kneeling. Okay, that's right. By the way, when the whole kneeling started three years ago my

youngest daughter who does like competitive gymnastics we were out at out in like camarillo so this is like an area where some people were definitely not on board with go ahead and say it yeah they weren't on board with what they don't like yeah they were very against it. And I, to my wife's chagrin, and to most of the other parents on the team's chagrin, during the national anthem, and by the way, this woman, the meet before where this took place, the woman who owned the gym yelled at my friend's daughter because she wasn't paying attention

during the national anthem. So I was like, I want this bitch to come my way. Yeah, that's insane. I kneeled and held up a Black Power fist during the national anthem at my daughter's gym. Yeah. That's hilarious. I was like, fucking bring it on. Bring it to me, you pirate-dressed-looking motherfucker.

I will take you out. By the way, any kid, if you ever played sports as a kid, no one paid attention. You're off into space. You're thinking about the game. Nobody pays attention anyway. We had season tickets to the football Cardinals space. You're thinking about the game. Nobody pays attention anyway. We had season tickets to the football Cardinals, the worst team ever in the late 70s and 80s. 5-11, 6-10, 4-12.

This was our years every year because we were against the Tony Dorsett, Roger Staubach, Danny White, Billy Joe Dupree, Drew Hill. Those cowboys, the Ron Jaworski, Wilbur Montgomery, Harold Carmichael, those Eagles were on our division, and the Joe Theismann, those guys. That's insane. So we were always the worst team. And the Giants.

We were the Phil Simms Giants. We were the worst team. And we would never show up for the national anthem. Like, guys were out drinking, buying beer. Like, no one cares about it. Right. Well, the whole thing is this. The dumbest fucking thing ever.

Well, the idea that it can be disrespected is a very funny idea inherently that like you got to respect it first right like you can't not respect it for years and years and then say it's disrespected well that's the same thing as like they sell these rules as like oh it's disrespectful it's disrespectful yeah one of the rules of the flag is that you're not supposed to adorn it on clothing or where budweiser sells cans of beer with American flags on them. Women wear bikinis with their – it's like don't pretend like this noble thing to everybody. Maybe people that fight for the country, they may have a different viewpoint on it, right? Hey, by the way, and if you want to stand up and sing, guess what I'm not going to do?

I'm not going to say don't do it. I'm going to be like great. Go for it. Knock it out. Drew Brees, if this makes you think of your grandfather, great. Awesome. Go for it. Guess what? I'm going to tell you something makes you think of your grandfather, great. Awesome. Go for it. Guess what?

I'm going to tell you something right now. I support you. That's what this country is all about. I support your viewpoint. You can't support mine? Then you're the fucking asshole. To me, the national anthem is like that shirt that your friend jerked off on in college. You still have that shirt.

And it's on the floor. It basically is standing up in a position that a shirt should not stand in because it's that stiff. And then someone walks through and steps on it inadvertently. And your friend who's been jerking on, it's like, Whoa, Hey,

Hey, step on my J shirt. Hey, are you nuts? You know, that's mine. I got to jerk off on that later. I told a joke about it on stage that I've since kind of put to bed,

even though we haven't done standup in a long time about, I hope I wish I was wishing that there could be a union of athletes in the NFL that decided that they were all going to not just take a knee, but just not play or sit out a season. Yeah. And I would say, what game would we have left? Do you think ESPN is going to air that on Monday night? Call that the USFL.

The XFL. A couple quarterbacks and kickers i mean the fucking place no i think the idea that uh that people aren't allowed to do what they want is really interesting to me isn't this the most free country in the world don't you look that's truthfully what i love about this country okay so i saw a couple days ago that people were marching in russia thousands and thousands of people because they were disputing that's ordered by the way that's government order they were disputing. That's ordered, by the way. That's government order. They were disputing an election at some point.

And part of me, the first thought was all these people are going to die. Like, see you later. That's true. But the second part of me is like great. This is what's great about the world. This is what people really want. They want to be able to say and do the things that they feel. And so like, that's why

our country is great. You can't take that away from people. No, that's true. I think that's the beauty is you're allowed... We just need to get back to a place when we're both allowed to think differently but still get along. I've said this to a friend the other night. My parents and their best friends who are also my family... Their son is my best friend. They all have very differing views on

politics, yet we still get along very well because life can still continue when we don't agree on everything you know yeah it doesn't need to be one note that's my problem with our generation now is you if you don't think like me then uh i'm gonna fucking kill you it's like no dude we have to be able to have some sort of discourse and balance because otherwise it's going to be a continual pendulum this way pendulum that way pendulum this way that way. I enjoy people who come from a different perspective as long as it's not from too far out. Sure.

As long as it's within a reasonable area. Like I can't deal with it out here just like I'm on this side and I can't deal with some things way out here. Sure, I don't like any extremes. Okay, but if it's coming from in here, yeah, of course I'll listen to it. But you are part of Alex Jones. You're the leader of his fan page. I start every conspiracy about Alex Jones. And Glenn Beck.

This is the thing I say about Glenn Beck. And he cries a lot. A lot. Every time Glenn Beck cries, a mosquito gets its wings. That's the truth. It's the truth. But you guys contradict yourself all the time even in your own family right like you typically will wave a trump flag and your brother has is a big biden fan and then you switch week to week we do it to just change it up on people no i'm actually like

a huge i just wave like a huge pence so mike pence you're that's funny you're only i'm a pet i you go you don't like Trump, but you love Pence. I just love his, I just love his politics on being able. Well, you can't be alone in a room with a woman. That's the funniest thing I've ever heard. I just love that he calls his wife mommy. You don't call your wife mommy? No. What do you call her?

By her name? She's the mom of my kids. There are times when my kids are on it. I was like, go tell mommy. And then I feel so weird about, you know. Because it makes you feel gross to say the word mommy because i don't feel that way about my own mom that sexualizes a mother in a weird did you guys call your mom and dad mommy and daddy uh mom and dad so so did i mom and dad and i don't

have kids yet but i've been we've both been adamant about this and I know you have little control at some point, but it's going to be mom to us and pop. No daddy. So my kids sometimes call me Papa, which I love. Love! I love it.

Papa's great! And I never even said this is what it's got to be, but sometimes when they want to ask me something, they're like, Papa, can I? And I'm like,

I love it. You can do whatever you want. I just like that they still talk to me at 13 and 15. They say, Papa, can I burn down an Arco? And you're like, that's what Santino would have wanted. May Santino rest in peace.

He's not dead. I just want him to get a good night's sleep. What I was saying about Mike Pence is we were doing Bloomington. We were flying to Indianapolis and then driving down to Bloomington to do The Comedy Attic, which I know you've done. Have you done that? Never. It's amazing.

I've missed an opportunity to do it one time. That was my sad thing. If it reopens. It will. I'm going to say this to everyone who's listening to this or watching this out there. Our friend who runs the North Bar in Chicago, I don't know if you've ever done that, but our buddy Jim Weber, great small independent venue. Right.

So NEVO, which is the National Independent Venue Association, saveourstages.com. If you are a comedy fan and you love going to see comedy in independent, and there's so many independent groups, go to that, do whatever they ask you to do, call your congressperson, support it, because there is a bill in Congress that is supposed to send relief out to these places so that they can stay open during this whole time wow that i say do that so and i feel that a place like the comedy attic it's independently owned by jared it's like a it's a fantastic venue and i don't want to see it close because it's so good this guy's such a good dude so we're there and we land in indianapolis and then we're sitting on the tarmac so we've

flown from la to indianapolis woke up super early in the morning on a thursday because you know you got the show that night. You're like – and we're just sitting on the tarmac for an hour. We're like, we're going to be late. Like, why? What's going on? And they're like, Mike Pence is on the tarmac, and that's why no plane can go anywhere. He just stopped walking around?

So we said, what's he doing? And then we were trying to think about what is he doing? And so our guess was that he saw that a plane was trying to enter a hangar from the backside, which is not the way it's supposed to go. So he went up into the air traffic control tower and tried to reprogram it to go in through the front way the way he says God intended. The airplane hangar should actually have drapery in the front. The way God intended it. Through the drapery in the front. The way God intended it. Through the drapery in the front.

The way God intended it. God intended it. God's intentions are great, by the way. They changed so dramatically over the years. I don't know why God intended for Greeks to have sex with everything that walked and was breathing. Because Greeks ooze sexuality. They're hot people. They're just even like—

Why did we go backwards? Why did we get more puritanistic than when we used to be— There used to be an— We used to be like orgy central. Humans used to love orgies, and then it went away. Humans were like, because I feel like— Let's get back to orgies, dude. The problem is, and this is the problem, having kids that are teenagers,

there's just—orgies are a collective thing. Orgies are like the 15-foot jump shot in the NBA. Yeah, people still do it occasionally, but then afterwards you're like, did I need to do that? I could have jerked off at home. You know what I mean? It's like there's this sort of like,

I could have jerked off at home and then not had to worry about the third woman's thing she was asking me to lick her neck. Yeah, but you're talking like a guy who hasn't had a lot of orgies. I am not a big orgy guy. Because let me tell you something. I am not a... I have't had a lot of orgies. I am not a big orgy guy. Because let me tell you something. I am not a...

I have lived through many, many orgies. Have you seen Fahim Anwar's bit about orgies? It is so fucking good. And I want to get it right, but he just talks about he always finishes before everyone else, and they're still going, and he just feels out of place there, and he wants to go into the pile and be like

does anybody know the wi-fi just asking questions a cup a cup of water yeah it's a plastic or does the cappuccino maker work i just wanted him asking questions it's so funny i've never been a part of uh an orgy but i pine to one day really be a part of something wild like that would your wife ever let you just be like all right you have one shot to day really be a part of something wild like that. Would your wife ever let you just be like, you have one shot to go and be a part of an orgy? She would not. Not in this day and age. I'd want her there. You'd want her to be a part of it. Yeah. I'd want her to be a part of it.

I mean, why not? That's true. We're gonna die one day. And it might be soon given everything that's going on. And by the way, then let's get this orgy knocked out. Let's get it done. Guys, go to let'sgetthisorg get this orgy knocked out.org it's right next to save our stages we'll put both links in the description below save our stages let's get this orgy knocked out and by the way i think let's get this orgy knocked out should be a.org yeah it has to be

orge.org.org you've done a lot of great stuff. Your brother's done some great stuff as well. He's done amazing stuff. Arguably. Yeah. Well. Your least favorite thing that you've ever done. The least favorite thing that we've ever done.

Or let's be real. If you're going to be honest, what's a thing that you know wasn't good that you did? You know it was bad. Hmm. good that you did you know it was bad hmm i mean that's this maybe is the thing for us is that we i'll say this i'll put on this because you know we all we evolve as comedians of course throughout time i would say our early stand-up someone we just found like old clips of the very first times of us doing stand-up oh yeah so the very first the very first time we did it, we were 14 years old. What?

Stood on stage at a talent show in our high school, and we were mimicking what we thought was comedy. But we were both on stage, so there were the beginnings of what exists. There was no question as to whether or not we'd both be on stage. We never even said, well, should I go and then you go? Or what are we going to do here?

No, it was like, we want to do comedy. And by the way, that was at a time when there were no teams. There kind of were a lot of teams in the 60s and then nobody in the 70s. Or the 80s, really. Or the 80s. So you're talking 86, and we get on stage and we do, we steal a lot of material because that's what you did

when you were kids. You just recite the material. Right. And then. Do you want to apologize for that right now, by the way? I feel terrible

about stealing the material. But then we wrote some of our, but we were young and we weren't doing it for money. Sure. And I was like,

you needed to learn that lesson. Of course. And so we learned. That's one of the lessons you learn. You can't steal material. Right.

It's got to be all original. And then the other thing you learn is if you come up with a premise that someone else has already been doing, you've got to stop. Yeah, I can't do it anymore. You've got to stop doing it. If someone else is doing it or you have a conversation with that person and say, hey, you're doing this bit. We do this bit. Can we both do this? What do you think?

Yeah, how does it work? And seriously, what do you think? Are you uncomfortable if we do it and we do it this way what could we change about our bit that would make it less like yours or do you care even does it matter really you should never be doing a bit that's exactly like somebody else because then it's not your bit it's like it wasn't in your voice and so we tried to learn how to do that but i've seen stand-up the stand-up we did when we first moved to New York in 1994 there was we had an old old tape of it I mean we were dressing alike we were coming I mean this is 94 do you guys still have this tape oh yeah can I see this footage uh maybe I'll send it can we show

it to the audience I don't know come on I don't know come on I gotta find it if we can give me one of the worst jokes that you told. So our jokes were just bad. They were just like observational stuff. Like they weren't even really jokes. It was the easiest thing that we could talk about. We're like, we got to talk about being twins. Sure. And the truth of the matter is, and you've seen us perform a number of times since that,

but you've probably seen us do probably an hour and a half or two hours of material through all the times that you've known us. I mean, we've seen the same with you. Yeah. Do we ever really talk about it? No, never. I've never once seen you make a joke about being twins. It's underneath what we do in a subtle way that shows that it's different than what other

people are doing, but it's not the main thing. So this is what we didn't understand. We're like, oh, we got to come right out and just be like, you know, it's twins. We got a lot of crazy questions. People are like, if you,

if, if, if I kick him in the nuts, will he feel it? You're like, no, I'm pretty sure if you kick me in the nuts, I'm going to feel it,

which is not that good of a joke. It's a terrible joke. It's fine. I get it. Fine for 1994. Fine for coming off the comedy boom of the late 80s and whatnot but certainly not something we're proud of so i look back at some of those early sets and especially because we were doing it in new york we moved straight to new york to

do it wow so you're doing in new york in front of people like marin and attell and jeff ross and sarah silverman and all these great people who are doing it there. Great people, bad comics. Great people, bad comics. Yeah, that's what we're doing. And that's their special coming out. Great people, bad comics. So that you just are like,

oh, no wonder there was like, people didn't respect what we were doing for a long time. And it took, really for us, it took like Luna Lounge and the Monday Night Show where people are doing something really creative and different and you couldn't do the thing that people expected you to do on stage. If you did that,

you would get booed off the stage. You had to do something different that opened it wide up for us and we're like, oh, this is what we can do. We can be funny the way we're funny around people, not the way we think a comedian

and twin comedian should be. So that is the thing that I just like, it makes it cringeworthy for me. But you grew out of that. We did, but I mean, still we did it. Everyone does bad shit at the beginning of their career. You go back to anybody's. I've said this openly. When I first moved to LA, I remember coming to the store and watching

Sebastian really kind of struggle to find that character that he's really found. And I watched it for a long time. Everybody you know has had that. Except for me, going those early days, I'm talking about, because we got past the store in 99.

So those early days of watching, of being on and watching Dice just walk the room, and then Sebastian come on and do to like five people. He's doing his thing. It killed us. We're like, why is this guy not getting more well

he was great but i watched him work you we watched him work it out exactly yeah it became this thing that was much more yeah and then he figured it out and then what he realized and what what he became over time was someone who was doing comedy that appealed to everyone yeah so that like me if i'm a regular person in chicago or st louis where we grew up and he's coming to town, I'm going to take my 13-year-old and my 15-year-old to the Sebastian show. So suddenly I'm not paying for two tickets, me and my wife. I'm paying for four. And you've got everybody doing that. And he's selling out a 10,000-seat venue.

Madison Square Garden. And manages on a very good level to maintain the respect of other comedians. It's like a very hard thing to do. Regan can do that. Very well. And he does that

and Gaffigan does that. So it's like they don't it's like you kind of it's amazing. It's edgy in that it's its own clear voice.

Right. But at the same time it doesn't cut off all these other people who watch it. What comic do you hate the most? I mean. Because we know who it is. Who do you think it is i mean we've already talked about this you mean your brother openly talked about who he hates the most um as a comedian i don't know who do i want to start beef with yeah who like who do you have the most i mean what if it's like the nicest person in the world? I've heard many rumors.

Look at this. You guys used to have this long bit about how much you hated Dat Fan, and I never understood why you did it, but you did it. I mean, our bit was longer than his career. Just kidding. I'm joking. It could be you're fishing to be mean, and then you actually had a good joke about it. He was a nice guy. We actually met about it. He was a nice guy.

We actually met him, and he was a nice guy. You guys don't seem like you hate anybody. You guys don't have any enemies. We don't. I mean, I'm sure, and I know, I'm sure there are people who don't like us. Like, we've spent- Oh, my God. I'm going to hear it.

I'm going to send you this email. What's all these guys that don't- You guys are on a chain? What? A discussion group. So, no, but the, you know, there are people, I'm sure, who don't, first of all, don't respect us or don't like what we do. And I would say to those people, well, watch what we do or watch anything that we do and maybe we'll win you over. And if not, then we don't.

It's fine. And if they watch you and still don't like you, it's because they just don't like you. They just don't like us. And guess what? People aren't going to like us. Well, that's the truth. It's like if everybody likes you, then you're not doing it right. If a lot of people don't like you, then you're touching a nerve somewhere and you're doing

something right. Like the further you go, like I would say keep picking at that thing because you're upsetting some people. You're causing people to move to a certain place of emotion, which is the worst thing that can be is like nobody wants anything to do with you. Or they're indifferent. And then you're a hit comic. So ours, but ours is not to go. I mean, we did a whole

bit about Dice. Dice disrespected us so badly, like, I'm talking 13 years ago on stage at the comedy store. He's just a dick. The truth of the story was that he was... The cigarette around the face guy was a dick? He was a dick. the truth of the story was that he he he was cigarette around the face uh guy was a dick he was a dick no but i mean it was it was i don't know we had been working at the store for like eight years or whatever and we were after him one night late night and he we did

this by the way we put this whole bit in a comedy central special it existed oh that's so fun and he he basically came on stage and was like who's next and you know piano player is like jeff is like jeff's like scly brothers and he's like who he's like scly brothers well i never heard of him so i've never heard of you know they're gonna fucking suck meanwhile he's like walk the whole he's walked the whole room is what it is and uh and so we get up on stage. We're like, did he get our credits right? And he comes back on stage. He comes back on stage

in the middle of our set, which to me is extraordinarily disrespectful. Yeah, that's fucking rude. Like what happens if, unless you're going to say something great about the person. Or unless I'm very good friends with you.

Like Bobby will interrupt my show sometimes. It's annoying to me, but if we did it, the three of us would do something really fun together. It'd be a bit, it would be great. And you'd be like,

thank you. That's what I needed to like palate cleanse. What just happened? It was like a hosty thing because it is tag team at the store. And so that's what it is. Come back on stage. He's like, takes the microphone and says,

no, I got their open in line for you. They're going to be like dice open for me, dice for me well i got news for you if i didn't do my old shit if i did my old shit they wouldn't be able to fucking stand on this stage lucky i did my new shit and then he drops the microphone and broke it we're like hey asshole we need both of those like you can't just do one so we're like trying to figure out how to put it was just and then you know whatever he walked into out to his least escalate and then into the night but like we were just like we found out the comic that you hated so we no no i don't even hate the guy but so let me say this so we this is great so we then we're really mad on stage we're upset and and like

throughout our whole set we're just like what a fucking disrespectful thing to do and by the way we had tv credits we were doing we weren't these we weren't and no offense to any door guy because the truth of the matter is i love young comics as much as i love the older comics because i love to see we have good relationships with everybody throughout the roast battle has done that for us and like just being a part of things you love the guys who were and the women who work the door as much as the people who are like the humongous headliners, I love spending time with everybody because that's what we do. That's our craft. This, we were established people.

And he like did this to us, which really pissed us off. So we started telling people about it. And the more pissed off we got, the more they were laughing. We're like, wait a minute, is this a bit? So like we started talking about what the room looked like when he left it. And it looked like the Superdome after Hurricane Katrina.

There was shit on the walls. People were asking for their $2,000 debit cards. We're like, Jesus Christ, what's going on here? We're like, FEMA will be here. Okay, guys, relax. We'll clean it up. But we kept going back to what he was saying. He was like, hey, look, I didn't do my old shit.

I didn't do my old shit. Okay, this is in like 2006, 7, 8 when this happened. I didn't do my old shit. I didn't do my old shit. So meanwhile, he ran the light. Was supposed to do a 15-minute set and did an hour. 45 minutes into his 15-minute set, we're checking back in the room to be like, is this guy off stage yet? And we him go i mean call waiting what the fuck is

that shit about we're like in 2008 that's a new piece of material i'm sorry but like oh and also who's mad at call waiting so like that's such a wonderful feature to be able to reach other people who are coming through like who's angry about it so we then the bit became us doing his nursery rhymes but instead of punch lines he would just reveal sad truths about his life so it was us as dueling dices like i took a job on a cruise ship i needed the money so we did a bunch of those and we did and all right, years later, and I'll say this, years later, he was like at a festival.

He was at something with our buddy Jonah Ray and he was doing the show after Jonah. Right. Wow, really? Those two people are on the same lineup?

Not on the same lineup. Different show. Oh, I was like, that's fucking very strange. There was an early show and then, so Jonah was in there and Dice was like,

hey, how come the Sklod brothers don't like me? And to me, that was like, it actually made me feel good that this question has been burning in his brain or whatever. So he knows. But I'll say this. I saw him in A Star is Born and I fucking loved him. I thought he was amazing.

I saw him on that show Vinyl, you know, on HBO. Bobby Cannavale I thought he was amazing so I'm here to tell you that even though he dissed us in the biggest way and we did that bit and we did it on Comedy Central that's not who we are to like literally do a public

that's like a public diss track that you're throwing out there but we just explained what he did to us I'm telling you I fucking love the guy so you're even now I feel But we just explained what he did to us. I'm telling you, I fucking love the guy. So you're even now? I feel like him being upset that we were mad at him, to me, in some weird way, righted the universe back.

But even before that story, I watched him in that movie, and I'm like, I gotta give it up. This guy is fucking great. He's such a good actor. Wow. I was so, I was like proud of him, and in some weird fucking way, I was like, he's mine. He actor wow i was so i was like proud of him and in some weird fucking way

i was like he's mine he's ours he's ours like you have a you have a piece we got a little piece of this guy and i'm proud of him as if like one in maybe not as if you would have done it but like as if one of our people did it it made me feel good and i was like god damn it i'm really proud of him so i'm i don't know if he's capable of having that type of a – and in some weird way, I'm going to lord that over him. That I don't think he's actually emotionally capable of seeing us on GLOW and being like, these guys are fucking great. Or seeing us here. You know what I mean? No, he doesn't.

He couldn't do that. So in that way, I will say that I'm way more evolved than the dude. But I'm just going to say that I thought way more evolved than the dude but like i'm just gonna say that i thought he did an amazing job and give him major fucking props well let me tell you something that's very nice to see that you guys came around on that yeah also he'll never hear or watch this show no but maybe someone will tell him no way you don't think so you don't think any of the santina the whiskey ginger crew what do we call them? The Whiskey Ginger Bunch? I don't call any of these people.

My fans and I have a strict rule. Don't talk to each other. Everyone is on their own island. You're like Martin Lawrence on a movie set. Don't make eye contact. This won't get back to him. I don't care because I have actually nothing to hide.

The truth of the matter is what he did back then was shitty and we roasted the fuck out of him for it and it got back to him and he was upset about it and so that had its own turn and then after that i'm saying i can actually step aside and be like this guy's great i give him all the credit that's very that's growth you did the thing that we're all striving to do. Which, so in those moments, and I think this is what it is to have like older kids and have kids who are, like I said, people. You are trying to teach them that this is the way to be. Sure. This is how you do it.

You, if you're mad at someone and even if you feel like you're right, there's a moment where you have to be like, me continuing to be mad at you, one of my kids, is not gonna help here. So I'm gonna now show you a bunch of love. Why? Because when you're in a relationship with someone in the future and you're in it,

I want you to be able to say, I saw how it was done correctly. I saw that there's a moment where pushing forward with the anger doesn't mean anything anymore. You have to just step back, say you're sorry, and move forward for the betterment of that relationship. That's very sweet. Right?

You harbor nothing. I mean, I can't. Not for long. I can't. I'll harbor it for a while, but I'll just get in my Chevy Bolt and zip around some asshole and be like, fuck you. Drive by a gas station and be like, I'm doing all right. That's right. And he'll go, that guy's okay.

He's good with dice now. Look, I hope dice is good with us. He's not. I actually hope he's still. He's not. He called me yesterday. Oh, Jesus. He goes, you're having the Sklop brothers on this show?

No, I didn't. I hate those douchebags. Look in the camera right now and end the episode when I walk off by saying one word or one phrase when I'm off. Okay. Okay. Moist. Choose control of the media.

In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You're that creature in the ginger beer. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent.

Ginger. I like gingers.