Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Steebee Weebee Lee

Episode Date: December 17, 2021

Santino sits down with Steve Lee to chat about his first bomb on stage, getting fired from every job he's ever had, losing his virginity at ASU, getting kicked out of his band and he opens up about his deepest and darkest kinks. COME SEE ME ON TOUR!!! https://www.andrewsantino.com ORDER SOME MERCH!!! https://www.andrewsantinostore.com Join our Patreon : https://www.patreon.com/whiskeygingerpodcast SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS! ROMAN - Get help put the boost back in your rocket 🚀 fix your ED now with Roman http://getroman.com/whiskey for $15 your first order SQUARESPACE - Help design your website today with amazing templates and the help of professionals https://squarespace.com/whiskey Use promo code WHISKEY for 10% off! AMAZON MUSIC Stream unlimited music, podcasts and much more offline too!!! 3 MONTHS FREE!!! https://www.amazon.com/wg Follow Santino on Insta and Twitter: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ https://twitter.com/CheetoSantino Whiskey Ginger Insta and Twitter: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeygingerpodcast/ & https://twitter.com/whiskeyginger_ Whiskey Ginger Clips: http://www.youtube.com/c/WhiskeyGingerPodcastClips Produced and edited by Joe Faria Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What up, Whiskey Ginger fans? Welcome back to the show. If it's your first time joining the show, welcome to the show. Like I say, we put this out every single Friday. We don't miss, baby. This week, we got an incredible guest. Stevie Weeby Lee. One half of the Scissor Bros and the Lee Bros. I love this dude. He is so funny.

We get into some deep, personal stuff. And it's well, well worth the watch all the way through. Hey, I told you I'm on tour. We're adding dates as it goes. Go to Andrew Santino.com to check out your boy for new years. NY E I'm going to be in Phoenix, Arizona at standup live downtown. Come see me Phoenix celebrate with an ex sun devil. And then in the new year, I'm going to Kansas city and St.

Louis and Atlanta and DC and Albany and Chicago, Illinois, uh, seattle uh portland vancouver i'm all over the place go to andrew santino.com for tickets andrewsantino.com for those tickets enough rambling from me let's go to the episode in here we pour whisk Whiskey, whiskey. You're that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent.

Ginger. I like gingers. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey... Do it again. Should I try one more time? Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. Do it again. Should I try one more time? Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on Earth.

I don't know how to say that for all my guests, but I meet him once again today. It's Stevie Weeby Lee. Stevie Weeby, yeah. Dude, my man, Steve Lee, is in the house. One half of the scissor bros. One piece of a scissor. Thanks for saying that. One half of the scissor bros.

No, like, since you brought it up Are we like the Annoying little brother podcast Yes You are No I love you guys I love you guys But you know what We don't want to ruffle any

Because I know It is a fun game That we get to play with you guys You guys got us good last time I mean when you put the goggles on It kind of hurt It kind of Just a little bit

You're kind of like jabbing We're jabbing We're jabbing dude That's half of the fun Yeah Steve is one half Of the Lee family Brother duo

Just me and him One half of the Sizzbros And we just were Talking for a second Off camera That now you're Doing stand up

You guys are touring Doing Sizzbros live And now you're Doing stand up And you bombed You ate shit at the lab Give it to me I want to hear all about it

Yeah so I had Well let me give you context I'm a month back from seven years ago. I mean, seven years ago, I bombed at the Tempe Improv. I made up for that, though. I had a decent sets recently, a couple weeks ago, you know. Okay. And I used to work there.

So I made up for that. Right. And the thing about stand-up that I kind of, like, reluctantly, like, ignored as far as, like, you have to, like, respect the craft itself. Like, in my mind i'm like oh i could do anything you know just talk about this and then i'm gonna hit you know i'm gonna kill you know but it was a reality check on monday it was you didn't kill it no i did the opposite what would can you give me can you give me the vibe over i don't tell a joke but no no no what do you think set them off i'll just i'll just let you know. I don't have a lot of material, Andrew.

What I'm doing is a bit hacky. I have micro-penis jokes. Bobby stuff. Kind of like Bobby stuff, but in my own way. So already I was already kind of like, oh. You don't have a micro-penis though. No. I mean, it's not the biggest.

It's not the smallest. It's a regular penis. Well, when it's soft, it is really small, but I'm a grow. i could grow same growing out yeah yeah yeah i grow yeah and so um i don't know how to read the there's a lot of things that i know you veterans do like you know how to read the room you know how to gauge the crowd you do crowd work you know oh i'll do this other set instead of this you know what i'm saying like I don't have any of that you just go for it

all the time yeah well this was my 10th show I've literally been doing it a month yeah but I haven't bombed

I had up to that point I hadn't bombed but this was was this crowd familiar with you at all nobody knew you no that's great

you brought that up they had no idea who the fuck I was That's a true testament To how good you are right Because if a crowd Doesn't know you Anybody can kill

In front of their own audience Right I mean the way You just said that Was painful But yeah I'm hearing you But that's okay

Do we all have to Go through this Yeah And so We all have to eat shit So you Well I want to hear I'll say my story

Okay go ahead And then I want to hear From your As a veteran Because I know you guys Have been like doing it for years and years and you guys been there, done that. Yeah. Um, so, you know, it was Eric Griffin and friends, uh, uh, a month, a Monday night.

Uh, uh, it wasn't at the improv, but that small boxed room, the lab, the lab. Yeah. Next door. And I didn't realize like, I should have been paying attention. I didn't realize like, oh no, this is a more difficult room. It definitely can be. I'll tell you, even for me, it's a weird room. The layout is a little tough.

It's not preferred. I'll say that. I don't really love the room because it's small. The bar is really big. It's in the middle of the room. The stage is kind of off to the side. And it's here in this condensed box. It's weird, yeah.

I mean, there's people on the side. That's a little strange. You know what I mean? They're on stage left. It's very odd. Yeah, so obviously I was not even on the bill. Eric was doing me a favor. So I wasn't on the bill, and I'm going to be first up to bat.

Sure, he put you right up. Well, no. Well, he did a little like intro kind of warm up like he did like maybe 10 12 minutes of material but then again in my defense he wasn't crushing either he was he was kind of warm i mean it was i already i should have just gauged it like oh these people are like there were long stretches of chuckles he would be just you know because his stuff he's he's a veteran so he was like more conversation like i don't have the that capability like when i'm up there i'm like a scared child like i'm shivering like i'm just

like oh you know like you know what does it feel good do you like that fear well we'll get to that yeah yeah i do because it's a bit of a because i'm sober and it felt it? Do you like that fear? Well, we'll get to that. Yeah, yeah, I do because it's a bit of a, because I'm sober and it feels like you're on cocaine or something. Right, like you're juiced again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like it's adrenaline, you know what I mean? Which it can work for you or against you. So I noticed Eric was like, you know, he was warming him up.

And then I noticed at the end he was just like, yo, gotta loosen up. You know, this is a comedy show. You know, feel free to laugh. You know, like he was kind of like trying to instruct the crowd on how to be. And so when he introduced me, I kind of, I went up there positively, you know, because what I've learned from watching Bob over the years, like when you, your entry on stage, you can't be like, like, you know, I noticed when Bob, cause I've seen him a thousand times.

He comes out, you know, he does his, you know, he does that. Hey, you know, like, you know, he does that shtick, you know, I didn't do that, but I was smiling and I grabbed the mic and then I put the stand behind me. Right. And then I just went into my thing. And I noticed I did my first thing and nothing. And then I'm like, okay, I'll do my second thing. But I was committing to everything I was doing. But in hindsight, I looked like a fool. Like I was doing act outs.

I was a fool. And so I did the second thing. Nothing. Why are you laughing, dude? Why are you laughing? I just love that you are doing act outs and nobody's laughing and everyone's kind of just stone-faced. Yeah. But the commitment is huge, dude.

You got to commit. That's great. Yes. But, dude, I couldn't sleep that night. I was in bed. Dude, I almost lost my sobriety. We'll get to that. Hey, no.

No, no, I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. No, no, because I learned from it. And we'll get to that too as far as the way I'm looking at it now. Yeah. And so I did my fourth thing. And then the thing that I'm like, okay, this is definitely going to get them. Right.

You knew this is the hitter. This is the A plus material. Well, I don't have much to be. I mean, with what I had, it was my golden ticket. This is the banger. This is the A-plus material. Yeah, well, I don't have much to be, I mean, with what I had, it was my golden ticket. This is the banger. This is the closer. I did it. This is it.

And it was, you know what it reminded me of? I felt like I was at a book club. Like, picture like being in a book club where they're well-read, you know, literary people. And then I'm going there trying to break dance. Oh, I was gonna say you know i like they're like we want to hear literary quotes and you know what i thought you were gonna say what is if you go to a book club and somebody asked and everyone's read the book but you didn't and

then they ask you and you have to pretend like you know what the fuck you're talking about and you're like no no i did i read it i read it but you didn't read it and they're all kind of seeing through it and you're slowly breaking down and you start to sweat and you're like, no, no, no, I did. I read it. I read it. But you didn't read it. And they're all kind of seeing through it. And you're slowly breaking down and you start to sweat. And you're like, I didn't read it. I don't think I, no, I read it. No, I did. I just didn't, I didn't see it the way you saw it. And then you slowly are crumbling from the inside.

That's what I thought you were going to talk about. That's what I thought it felt like. I'd rather be that. Because at least you're on the same page. Like, hey, you know, I have an interest in books. I just didn't do it. You know what I mean? I did a whole different thing where

When I was doing it they were like What are you doing It's not like you said anything To make anybody upset It just didn't connect Oh god I'm so glad you brought that up So no I kind of did And this is another thing

How green I am in comedy I don't know what I'm doing. What did you say? Start Asian hate? No, no, no. Start Asian hate. Start Asian hate. No, it wasn't the content.

It was like just observing what Eric was doing, like his crowd work, who he was talking to. He was kind of targeting or not targeting, focusing on one guy. And I couldn't see what the guy looked like. But the guy wasn't participating and had a like, but i couldn't see what the guy looked like but the guy wasn't participating and had a like but i didn't know what and guess what when i tried to do my glimmer of hope of like throwing a hell mary right a crowd work thing i went to that guy it was like this older filipino guy with the mask and i did a thing where i wanted it like hey you know like yeah touch my thing yeah poke it you know like i was like doing i was it like hey you know like yeah touch my dick yeah poke it you know like i

was like doing i was trying to make you know like a icebreaker weird touch my dick icebreaker yeah yeah just kind of like old school and he basically did was the opposite he was like good luck with that dude you know like he heckled me basically so he heckled did they laugh at his heckle no okay that's even worse if they laugh at the heckle so that exists yeah sometimes they heckle and the other people laugh and then you look stupider all right god that didn't happen but but the thing is when he said that under his breath i was my i was going to work with this section like i didn't even acknowledge that he said that right i just went you know i mean that's even worse it's kind of like it is not even acknowledging someone farted

like dude you know someone just farted in the room you farted we know i didn't acknowledge it right so and then it was a lot more painful because when i bombed last time at tempe improv seven years ago this was even worse because you, you know how that's set up. You've done plenty of shows there. They're kind of, you have space between the stage and the crowd. Right. But this was, I saw their faces. Like there's these two gals in the front.

Oh, my God. They were crossing their legs, and they were like this. They were like, oh, my God. No, they were saying no. No, like. Oh, my God. No. They were saying no. No, just kind of like. Just giving this the eye roll. It was kind of like that.

Next. What else do you got? Next. No. Next. You know what? Why do you laugh? Hey, dude, it was so painful.

Yeah, but you need to have these experiences. They'll build you as a comic. I do. As a comic, yeah. I felt like a goddamn fool yeah but you know what my face got red dude and you know what ended up happening andrew my mind went blank yeah my i nothing was in my mind i was it was like a deer con headlights i i just i just froze i go uh, uh, uh, uh.

And then I was so desperate, I started saying just anything. I'm like, you know what I feel like? I feel like I'm in a Korean spa around a bunch of Korean naked. I was just coming up with whatever popped in my head. And they didn't like it. I got, the thing is, well, this guy, this guy named Craig Constant. Do you know this? Craig Conant.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a comedian. Yeah, he's a comedian. Afterwards, I was in the green room upstairs, and he was laughing. I guess comedian, I don't know this, but I guess y'all like it more when fellow comedians bomb rather than kill. By far. He was laughing. He was like, oh, man, I'm so sorry, man. We all been through it.

I'm not laughing at you. When you eat it, it makes other comics feel better. It's great. So you did a good thing. Maybe you didn't please the audience. You pleased the comics. That's great.

What the fuck, dude? What the fuck? Hold up, man. Let's talk about that. What the hell are you talking about? Sometimes you're servicing the comics, the comedy community, dude.

You're doing a good thing. Why? Because it made them feel good. Sometimes you're playing for the back of the room. Do you know what that means? The back of the room for the comics? They used to say that. The back of the room.

You're playing for the back of the room at the store. Well, I'll tell you this much. I hit a home run then with them. Well, fuck yeah. They fucking loved it. You killed then. How about this? Reroute this.

You killed. No, I didn't. He killed. Stevie killed. No. killed killed in the lab so are you saying that's a weird psychology are you saying that since there's so much

you know there's so many so much competition so they they cherish when a fellow open mic or a comedian

just tanks it of course why not really when it's a peer when it's I would never enjoy someone bombing that's that is below me you know that's well i'm definitely below a lot all of you guys i'm there's a month in yeah but but craig was doing that show with you right yeah but he's uh i don't know if

he's a headliner he's got no yeah yeah a decade but i mean but i, he's still a peer, and you're all on a show together. It's nice to see a bum. Andrew, I wasn't even on the flyer. I mean, the thing is- Because you're too good for flyers. You're too good. I know. You're too good for flyers.

No, I know. I know I'm the new guy on the block, but because I talk kind of maybe a minute about it on getting this thing like brief, but not the extent of what we're doing going into it but theo brought up a good point he's like oh you set him up for failure why did you put him up first yeah who eric did yeah yeah kind of yeah and then eric's like well i did it because i did it my very first set back was in that room was it after a host did a host go up or was it just you right it was it said, what's up, introduced it, and then he brought you on?

No, no, no. Like I said, Eric walked up and was the host and did some time, then brought me up. But still, I was kind of the first guy up. You were first. You were first. Yeah. And you ate shit. I ate major shit.

Can I tell you something? What? Who cares? You'll never remember it. It'll go away forever. I won't remember that? You won't. Look at me right now.

It's gone. Okay, so I want to hear it because y'all are veterans. Because I tried to, I needed some comfort. I needed to talk to people. I called Eric. I called my brother. They had no patience with me. I have patience for you.

My brother said, he was like, you know what? I feel if you were here right now, dude, I'd punch you in your face. Right. That's brotherly love. That's how your brother loves you. I'm just like, why? Dude, do you know how many times I ate it? Everybody.

And then he was like, you know what he said? 15 years ago, dude. And he was telling me stories from like 15 years ago. And then he was like, dude, just that supernova. Like, what's me stories from like 15 years ago. Yeah. And then he was like, dude, just at Supernova. Like, what's a Supernova? It's an outdoor show in Hollywood. Dude, at Supernova. I had a hard time, you know?

Yeah, he said that to me. He said he didn't like his set. I'm telling you, dude, you're going to bomb a whole bunch. You're going to bomb a bunch. Yeah, it's going to happen. You're so fresh. I'm so new. It's fine.

Who cares? So what do you suggest like going forward? Drinking. Start drinking. No, I was going to smoke a joint that night. No. You don't know what I was going through that night. I was literally, you know what it reminds me of?

You like Twilight Zone? Sure. Like the old ones. Yeah, the original. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The 70s, the old school ones. I felt like it was a bad Twilight Zone where it was a black and white thing. Yeah.

And it was like slow motion. Like everything was going in slow motion. I'm like, and then just seeing their like disdain for me. And it was vivid. You could see their faces. You could see the dimples on their faces. It was just not compliant.

There's no love. It was just malicious. There was hatred. You know what I felt like? They hated me. They did. For that moment in time. They hated you.

They hated me. But they don't know you anymore. So are you saying- It's okay. Wait, hold up. Are you saying they're not even thinking about it? No, exactly. They're even thinking about it no no exactly

they're not thinking about it they're like oh just some asian there's some chinese guy they go i think some chinese kid did some i don't remember who and anyway yeah they're gone it's gone it's gone gone oh that makes me feel a lot better see i'm my worst critic though because i was i had like 100 demons in my mind that night not worth it i had okay so i had an old cbd sponsor yeah and i remember like i had it in my desk but i i didn't do it before because i opened it and smelt and it smelled like like regular weed yeah i took a joint out i was because i just wanted to get out of my head i wanted to get the head change because i was obsessing about it i was playing the whole night. You know, like a fucking, like a loop.

Like a merry-go-round. Yes. There's eight hours. Creepy horse coming around. Yeah, I was just like, oh. And then I was looking at, you know, just replaying it, replaying it, replaying it, replaying it. And I'm like, I need relief. I'm going to drive myself crazy. Go for a long walk.

Go do some exercise. Go get a good meal. Go break something. Go get a good meal Go break something Go attack an elderly person Go steal something Hug a stranger Go to the grocery store And help someone bag their groceries

There's a lot of things you can do To take your mind off of it Be of service Be of service Be of service Get out of yourself Get out of yourself. Get out of yourself. Then you're not going to think about it as much.

Yeah, that's really kind of- Let's be of service. It was like I'm bonded to, I was like in bondage. You were bonded to the trauma. Yeah. You were best friends with the trauma. Yeah.

And now it's gone. And I didn't lose my sobriety. Good. My neighbor came over- How many years now? 14. That's a lot. That's a long time.

What was the vice? Weed. Weed specifically. Weed and alcohol. But did you really like this stuff? Not hard liquor. I'm like, I'm a beer guy. Yeah.

Beer was like soda pop. I loved the weed. I loved it. Because like your brother, whenever I talk to Bob about like, because this is what I like, he never, this stuff is too, it never was his thing. He was more like, I remember in high school, he was more like meth. Meth. Weed.

Yeah, mostly meth. And then later in life, it was more pills. Yeah, bad. Pills are so bad. Like he would do crazy, like he would just be popping them like Skittles at one time. It's bad. Pills are so bad. Like, he would do crazy, like, he would just be popping them like Skittles at one time. It's bad. At one point, and I'm like, what are you, like, I couldn't even, like, he was just like. Did you ever do meth?

Yeah. Did you like it? I'll tell you the story. I mean, I, when I went to Arizona State, because we have that in common, right? Sun Devil, baby. Yeah, so. Sun Devil kids. I would hang out at this drug house. Where was it it was um off rural and lemon and rural lemon oh so it was in tempe yeah it was literally like on campus barely you know

we're rural sure it's like in between university rural and apache so in between like rural rural university and apache in between there rural, rural university and Apache, in between there. That's where the house was. Yeah. The drug den. The drug den. So I was in there just,

I was just in some random living room, like waiting. And then this guy just happens to come in and we're both waiting for the dealer and he just like, you want to smoke meth? And I didn't even think about it.

Why not? And I just went, yeah. And it was like, he had this weird contraption. Like it's a Twix. Like you want this other half of this Twix? Yeah. Yeah. So I didn't even think about it. Why not? And I just went, yeah. And it was like, he had this weird contraption. Like it's a Twix. Like you want this other half of this Twix? Yeah.

Yeah. So I did that. Give me that half. I didn't really like it though. Why? You didn't like the high? Yeah. Cause I remember like going back to my dorm and just like.

Being bummed. You know what it made me feel like? Since you brought, you know, we started with the comedy and the adrenaline. It reminded me of like right before, when you're new and right before you go on stage, that adrenaline. But it just wouldn't go away. Right.

It was just hours of that. How long does meth last, a meth high? It lasts a couple hours. That's a long time. A couple hours. Did you do anything constructive while you were high or no? You just sat? I think I just sat at my desk.

Just staring at the computer? Yeah. I mean, first of all, I had no reason being in college. It became like Groundhog Day. I was there for like seven or eight years. You and Bert Kreischer. He has the same story? Bert was at Florida State for like seven and a half years.

You know Van Wilder, the movie Van Wilder? Yeah. That's about Bert Kreischer. Really? That's about him. Rolling Stone came down to Florida State and wrote an article about a guy who was like a never graduate type of cat, and it was him. And then they ended up optioning those rights.

That movie became a hit. That's basically Bert Kreischer's story. So why did he stay so long? In school? Yeah. Because he loved to party, and I don't think he could get out. He couldn't go to school. Look at him now.

He drinks a gallon of Tito's a day. I don't know much about it. I've never met the guy. I mean, I'm a fan of his. He loves drinking. I'm a fan of school. Look at him now. He drinks a gallon of Tito's a day. I don't know much about it. I've never met the guy. I mean, I'm a fan of his. He loves drinking. I'm a fan of his. I like him. Yeah, he loves it.

But I think with me- What was your major? Exactly. That's a great- You didn't have one? No, I just remember I tried to get into the school of business, and I got denied. I just remember like, you know how like when you take a midterm or test and then you have to go back to the building and outside the building there's a score sheet or yeah

and then you see what your grade was i just remember so many times where you know i would go to the building and i would look up my name and what the grade and just like oh you know, like just pathetic. And everybody else is like, yeah, like that type of thing.

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Ginger. I like gingers. So you just kept failing your way through ASU. Yeah, but the thing is, I kind of had a bit of what Burt did, but in my own way. For me, it was like I was the dorm king. I lived in almost every dorm at ASU. Oh, I'll go to this dorm. PV Main? I lost my virginity in PV East.

No shit. Yeah. Did we talk about that on your show? I don't know. I lost my virginity In PV East No shit Yeah Can we talk about that On your show I don't know You lost your virginity In PV East Yeah

I was a PV Main guy Okay so PV Main was the It was like that one The flat Yeah the flat Two stories It's not there anymore

But what year Or it is What year was this 2002 Yeah back Cause I mean Believe it or not I'm a little older than. I know you are.

I fucking, back then, PV Maine was strictly sorority. Really? Yeah, so back then, PV Maine was like, I don't know the names. Let's just say Alpha Phi, whatever. Alpha Phi. It was all like Like the blonde All blonde Sorority

Nice And then You know at the bottom I just remember me and my Friends would just go there Cause they had like A Taco Bell Correct

And like a Like a student store Like a convenient No no no You're thinking of No I'm talking about PV Main They had a basement The Taco Bell in there

Yes What Yeah Holy shit So we would Bell in there? Yes. What? Yeah. Holy shit. So we would go in there, but then it would be kind of like cringy because we would like, me and my friends, like obviously it's not co-ed. We would take our time eating our Taco Bell. I'll tell you that much.

Yeah, you'd be snooping. Yeah. You'd be snooping while you're eating them tacos. Taco Bell, but that was never my, Del Taco was what I got introduced to. Oh, you know, Bob used to work there. At Del Taco? You didn't know that?

No. Did he? Well, I just gave you some ammo, didn't I? That's so good. When did he work at Del Taco? In San Diego? In Poway.

In Poway. At the Del Taco, huh? In Poway. Little window boy? Is he a little window boy? Little tiny window boy. Maybe we should time stamp this out, huh? Because I don't want to cause friction between the two. You know what I'm talking about? Oh, no. Little window boy. Little tiny window boy. Maybe we should timestamp this out, huh?

Because I don't want to cause friction between the two. Oh, no, no, no. You know what I'm talking about? Oh, no. This is stuff I need. No, wait. Did I just give you a grenade? This is stuff I need. Did I just give you a grenade?

Yeah, you didn't. It's hot. Oh, it's hot. I can't wait to throw it. Oh, I can't wait to throw it. Yeah. Not for long, but yeah, he was working. We all worked at Dozier.

Yeah, yeah. Dude, I worked at McDonald's. Oh, nothing wrong with that. It's a MACD, bro. Yeah, nothing wrong with that. In Arizona, I worked at McDonald's. Oh, nothing wrong with that. It's a Mac D, bro. Yeah, nothing wrong with that. In Arizona, I worked at Outback Steakhouse. Outback on Southern and... God, where was it?

Now I have to look. Was it in Mesa? No, I think it was... Hold on. I'm going to look. Yeah, yeah. I'll talk about Arizona State all day with you. Dude, that's one of my favorite.

I mean, hold on. Let's see. I tell you, here's where I worked. I worked at the Outback Steakhouse. No, it's Tempe. It's got to be. Let's see if it's still there. Well, I know where Southern is, so I kind of, if it's in Tempe, I know where Southern is.

Here it is. It was Southern and McClintock. Oh, I know exactly. And by the way, it's still there. I know exactly where that is. And Taco Bell was right in the parking lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they had a GameStop.

And across the street used to be Now there's a Derek It used to be a Red Lobster Which I've never had to this day Right You ever eaten Red Lobster? Yeah Never

That's like an American tradition Never, I've never had it Why do I Like seafood from a fast food place To me is like no way Well you know what What's more common It'd be more weird

If you've never been to a Sizzler Or something like that Never been to a Sizzler or something like that. Never been to a Sizzler. But if you want to talk Arizona State, like I worked at the IHOP off Apache Boulevard. You did? Oh, yeah. Love it. Like graveyard.

Yeah. I mean, I had such a bad attitude, Andrew. Like, let's say this is the plate. Let's say this is miniaturized, right? But let's say the eggs are here, bacon, pancakes or something, the sampler. I would have my thumb in the yolk like this. I just, here you go. In the egg yolk.

Yeah, I would just be like. An eagle. And I would just. Lick it. I would just have the worst attitude. I'd always be scratching my nuts and just like. So you got tipped well? No.

Oh. So I worked there, got fired there. Yeah. Worked at Mill Avenue. What'd you work at? P.F. Oh. So I worked there, got fired there. Yeah. Worked on Mill Avenue. What'd you work at? Mill University. What? P.F. Chang's.

You did? Busser bar back. Ooh. And let me tell you something, people- Do Asians get priority there when you get hired there? No. Nothing, huh? No.

It's like you're basically, if you're a part of the kitchen, unless you're a server, but I wasn't even a server, but I had to compete. There was competition amongst the bar back bussers. So you weren't even top bar back busser. I mean, there was a guy like a Hispanic man with five kids to feed and he like, he's showing me up. He's like, oh, he's doing tricks with the bins. No, he's got like 20 plates and you know, and I'm just like, oh, I can't compete with

that. You're not good enough. Yeah. So got fired from there. There's a place on the other side, Saki Sushi. You know where the movie theater was? enough yeah so got fired from there there's a place on the other side sake sushi you know where the movie theater was oh yeah got fired from there i worked um at hayden library on campus got fired from there i worked at circle k you know a lemon and tears got fired from there they thought and that that's that was a tricky one I remember You know you work at a 7-Eleven or Circle K

There's some leniency you would think Especially Graveyard Shift right Yeah who cares Dude my boss looked like a Groucho Marx Like you know he had the Ronald McDonald hair And then when he brought me to go to the training facility Like he had an ashtray The whole

The whole car was an ashtray. He would just be smoking Dorals. Just, yeah, yeah. So, all right, kid. But I remember one shift he had left. It was three in the morning and I had a joint on me. And I was supposed to stock the freezers or whatever, the fridge. Your job.

You're supposed to do your job. I was smoking a joint in there. I lit it up. The walk-in freezer is so good to get high. Yeah, right? It's cooling, right? Yeah, yeah. And so I was smoking and dude, he caught me. Smoking a joint. He didn't want to join you? And this is what he did.

I looked up to him and he goes... He took a couple hits and he goes, so anyway i need you to stock a section c there and you're like just kind of wait about his business and so i'm like holy dude this guy's fucking cool that's cool that is cool he's cool but the the way i got fired is there's a different so many different employees from different shifts someone sold uh stole like close to twenty thousand dollars worth of money because you could do money orders there oh yeah money gram yeah you know what i'm saying like people went there to get their check yeah i mean to get the rent paid and stuff right and so money was

and they they blamed it on me but that but you didn't do it no no no you know who did it i have a pretty good idea but i didn't you know it's i forgot the lady's name there was a lady there that was a lady thief rare yeah i mean and she smoked more cigarettes than my manager i mean she was just like i mean i i was i always thought like is she even work here because every time i would see her like we because she had the shift before mine she would always just be out there just like on a milk crate you know like turning a milk crate like horizontally you know yeah and just smoke i'm like dude like she's always just smoking cigarettes she she's stealing for sure yeah by the way she's rich she lives in the bahamas now yeah have you once the last time you went back to tempe specifically arizona state i'm well i will i will

be in phoenix for new year's, playing shows for New Year's Eve. I'll be there doing it. But the last time I've gone back to school. No, campus. Yeah, campus. To check out the terrain. Five years ago, I went back for something. I'm going to let you know, dude, a lot has changed.

Oh, I know. It doesn't look anything like it used to. Because I was just there with Jeremiah. I did guest spots for his show. And we were driving around. We were doing vlogs and stuff out there. And I'm like, I don't recognize any of this. Yeah, no.

The last time, even when I was there five years ago, it didn't look the same. It was kind of a bummer. We walked around campus and all new buildings. And, yeah, kind of the grittiness is gone. You know, because it was an old school, right? It was built in 18, I want to say 96 or something like that. Isn't it? It's right before the 1900, right before the 1900s.

I mean, well, Manzanita is still there. Yeah. Manzi is still around, right? That was the first dorm I went to. You know what that was?

That was the STD dorm. I know. Well, thank God I didn't have sex till like my sophomore year. Yeah. Cause you would've got something. Oh, for sure.

For sure. Wait, you, you, you lost your Virginia your sophomore year? Yeah. It took me a while. You know what?

In PV East. Yeah. Do you remember who it was? Just while. You know what? In PV East. Yeah. Do you remember who it was? Just a bigger Hawaiian lady. A bigger Hawaiian lady. Yeah, and I've told this story before. I could retell it, but yeah, I met, you know, I was at a kegger party. Do you remember the Commons on Lemon?

Sure. Sure. Do you remember those? Yeah. So it was kind of like dorms, but they were off-campus apartments. It was like apartment dorms Yeah I was

You know I had my skateboard I was there Drinking beer Met A Hawaiian Nice Hawaiian girl Nice woman from the island Nice Hawaiian girl

And then her two white Friends Couple of whites And they go Hey you wanna come back To our dorm and party Or whatever You know whatever

And so I'm like I like You know like PV What's that Palm walk Yeah Do you remember palm walk Sure, what's that? Palm Walk. Yeah. Do you remember Palm Walk?

Sure. It was just that straight line from one side of the campus to the other. All the way down. I remember taking that walk with three girls. And I'm like, in my mind, I'm like, oh, wow. Uh-oh, this is great. I'm the only guy. Did you think you were going to get laid?

No. You thought we were just going to go hang out, maybe make out with somebody? No, not even that. Really? No, because they said, you want to party or just hang out? Did you guys do coke or something like that? No. Nothing. So we got there and the reality of it is those two white girls were that Hawaiian girl's

suite mates. You know what I'm saying? Yes. So they lived in a separate room. They shared a bathroom. And then the Hawaiian girl had her own room. I remember just seeing an empty bunk. You know what I mean?

Yeah. girl had her own room like i remember just seeing an empty bunk you know what i mean yeah and so and then i just remember like i went into the hawaiians room and it was like she had like these lights and she's playing luau music love it you know you know just like is that the hawaiian is? I don't know. Let's try it again. That was horrible. Try it again. Ole, ole, ole, ole. That sounds like sad church music. I'm so sorry. So just edit that out. And she offered me, I remember she offered me, it wasn't a Corona, it was a soul. Yeah, soul Mexican beer. Soul Mexican beer.

Yeah. And I just remember, okay, I'm like, oh, this is not bad. I'm hanging out in a girl's dorm room. But what happened is those two girls kept like barging in. In the middle of you guys hanging out. Yeah. Yeah, cock blocking. Your friend, we're going to go dancing.

We're going to go dancing like 20 minutes. Get ready, guys. You know, like they're trying to like conduct and take over what the night was going to be. No, we're going dancing. Get ready. You know, I'm just like, and in my mind, I'm like, I don're trying to like conduct and take over what the night was going to be. No, we're going dancing. Get ready. You know, I'm just like, and then in my mind, I'm like, I don't want to go dancing. No. I just want to drink beer, chill.

I'm having a good time. If anything, I'm getting free beer, hanging out with girls, whatever. So once I took notice to that, I'm like, I got to do something where I don't have to go dancing. Right. to that I'm like I gotta do something where I don't have to go dancing right so what I did I don't know if it was a genius idea but this is what happened is they did it two or three more times and I just I'm like oh no we'll go you know we'll go but then the third or fourth time I acted like I was so drunk like I like was passed like I was too drunk to go so I was just like you know I was

kind of like crashed out and then then then they they came in for the fifth time oh oh what's your what's wrong with your friend and then oh he's obviously passed out he's passed out the luau music put you to sleep yeah and the beer yeah and you know let's not forget i had several beers at the the commons there and so so what they had done i mean it was weird it was like they're they were like almost that Hawaiian girl's nanny or something. They were like putting her up to on the top, like separate them, put her up top. And then they like turned off all the lights. Like it was weird.

Very weird. You know what I'm saying? Like they were like the babysitters or something. Just a couple of weirdo white chicks. Yeah. Weirdo whites. So they closed the door to the bathroom, you know, both doors. So they went, they're completely in their room.

Right. Now I'm in a dark room with just me and her. Me and you in Hawaii. Mm-hmm. You in Kauai. Mm-hmm. You in Honolulu. Oh, yeah.

And did she come down to the bottom bunk or did you climb up? I'm going to get to it. I'm going to get to it. I'm going to pour a little bit of this for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do your thing, do your thing. This is exciting. I'm getting a little horny. I've told this before, but I Do your thing. This is exciting. I'm getting a little horny.

I've told this before, but I've never been on Whiskey Ginger. You're getting a little horny. I just said, I mean, it's cringy now in hindsight, but I said, like in a whisper. I go. Whisper, whisper. I go, hey, are you still awake? Hey, what are you doing? Right away, I'd be like, get out.

Get out of my room. That's what I said. What are you doing? Are you still awake? What are you doing? What are you doing? Are you still awake? And then she goes, yeah.

I go, hey, come down here. Ooh, dirty little Stevie. Little dirty boy. Come down here. Hey, come down to. Little dirty boy. Come down here. Come down to the- So she crawled down, got in your bunk. Yeah, and- It was on, baby.

She had condoms. I just remember the- Because I've never- I don't even think up to that point I even put on a condom, or I didn't even know what- You know what I'm saying? No. You had never put on a condom?

Dude, I would- You're forgetting in high school, all my friends had gotten laid. I was going to Bible studies and stuff like that. I was going to church camps, Andrew. I had no idea. So you never even- I had no experience. You never even tried to put on a condom. I got more action in middle school because at least in middle school, I was French kissing girls.

Right. But in high school, I got weirded out like Bible study. I would talk to a girl just so I could invite her to Bible study. Wow. Yeah. So weird. So when I just remember, I put on the, I just, you know, I just put it on and then it didn't last longer than like three to five. It was so fast.

on and then it i didn't last longer than like three to five it was so fast it was like one of those things where once i was like felt the sensation and i was in i was like oh you know and i just i just like really quick really quick oh was she disappointed no yeah i'll get to that and so she we just she just like kind of rolls over, and now I'm laying on my back. You guys are laying back to back right next to each other. Yeah, side to side. Yeah. Like, you know, like, yeah, just like a, you know, two sardines or whatever. And then the little, the can or whatever.

And it's quiet. And it's quiet. Oh, yeah, yeah, it's silent. And I just remember my mind started just like just processing what had happened like oh my god you're not a virgin anymore oh my god you just lost your virginity oh my god it happened right now oh my god dude this is crazy just you know just all these thoughts and so i'm trying to process this and i'm just laying on my back in the bottom bunk and a couple minutes later she whispers something into my ear she goes let's do it again yeah she wants to give you a second go you fucked up you false started the first time

but you know you jumped the gun bud but i gotta get back in there but i jumped the gun again you did the same thing no no no i physically, no, no, no. I physically jumped up. Oh. Because, you know, it's kind of like this, dude. You know when you beat off and you nut? Mm-hmm. You feel different. Yeah, we are different.

You know what I'm saying? You don't have that. You change shape a little bit. Yeah, you lost. You don't have that warrior mentality, that hunger from the wolf is gone. Right, right. So when she said that, I freaked out. Oh, no, no.

I got to get going now. You know, and I just remember like just trying to put my stuff on and I grabbed my skateboard and I remember like I was in such a frantic, I didn't even use the elevator.

You ran down the stairs. I ran down the stairs. How many floors? I don't know, maybe four. Fourth floor? Yeah, maybe four. Yeah.

I mean, they only have like five or six. It's not that tall. Yeah many floors? I don't know, maybe four. Fourth floor? Yeah, maybe four. Yeah. I mean, they only have like five or six. It's not that tall. Yeah. And I just remember skating down, just pushing down the palm walk. And then back then, when I got to my dorm,

back then, this is how long ago, is I had an answering machine. Because, you know, like back then, students had their own number, like home number. Right.

Like 483, whatever. Right. And I remember checking my messages. The girl that I really liked, her name was Jenny. Jennifer. Yeah, Jenny. She had called me that night. Oh.

And wanted to hang out. Who could have lost your virginity to Jenny? But instead, it was to Big Izzy. Like Lou Connie or whatever her name is Lou Akana The story doesn't end there So maybe a week had passed Do you know where

What's the The MU Memorial Union Was that there when you were there? Of course Back then there was a bowling alley down there Chick-fil-A, Taco Bell, Pizza Hut A was when I was there Like Chick-fil-A Taco Bell Pizza Hut Like a lot of stuff was there

No Chick-fil-A Okay well back then Burger King Burger King Hoodlums Records Which I No that Hoodlums wasn't there

No no no When did you graduate What year Ninety Nine Ninety nine two thousands No it had to have been there Really

Yeah cause it was only A year or two later I was there Hoodlums It was a CD store In the basement of the Yeah yeah yeah I do remember that

It was like that little Yeah that little It was like a little nook Yeah that little nook Yeah yeah yeah And then you could go there From a different Like from the bottom

That other The other entrance Where the fountain is Correct Yeah yeah yeah Okay no I know what it is No you know I know

No you know It took a while It took a while You're there You got there But that That's hard to remember Because in the MU, there's so many different nooks. Sure.

But it was at like kind of like a weird section of the MU. It was like behind the food court. Yeah. Like at the bottom. Yeah. Take me back to Jenny. And so she said, hey, you know, I wanted, I was wondering if you want to hang out and whatever.

I just dropped the ball. And I'm like, damn, fuck. You know. Damages don't. I'm like, I and I'm like, damn, fuck, you know, damage is done. I'm like, I'm tainted now, you know? Yeah.

And so, but I remember like a week later I was at the MU. I had seen Lou Connie again. Oh, there she was.

She was on one of the benches. You know, like outside the main entrance, there's a cafeteria, like the main one face,

like the main entry point where like it's facing all the building hidden library the fountain yeah she was on one of those benches you know where the bike racks are 100 and she tried to uh wait she recognized me hey hey hey quickie yeah quickie quickie and so i mean this is back to my immature i mean i'm still rather immature for my age i mean i'll admit that but even i imagine how immature i was even back then i lit i skated so fast you didn't even say hi just just you lost your virginity i know i was

just pushed i just remember just pushing my skin. Just like, yeah. Where is she now? All the way to the, all the way to university. You were gone. That was such a dick move. And you never saw her again. That was such a dick move. And I apologize for doing that.

Wherever you are. Leilani, Kalani, Kaluna. Kaluna. Let's say her name's Kaluna. Kalua. Kaluna. Kalua. Yeah, Kaluna.

Kalua. Wherever you are, please write into us and let us know that you're out here. And you want Steve to apologize to you because we're going to make him do it at some point. Yeah. You got to say sorry for what you did to her face to face. We're going to fly her out to California. Mm-hmm. Because you know she's living in Arizona.

She's got four kids. She's divorced. Or you know what? I thought about this. One of them is yours. The condom broke, bud. All right. We'll timestamp that. I don't know how you i don't know

how you edit this but we're definitely time stamping that you just tell you've been time stamping in your head the whole time in my the whole time we're leaving all that in and so yeah that was yeah that's that was your virginity yeah that was it was pretty uneventful um i think everybody's virginity loss was uneventful for the most part. No, I don't. I think that like I always got jealous of like, you know, like the high school sweethearts where. I guarantee that it wasn't good. You know what I'm saying? Like the football player and the cheerleader. You're watching movies.

Most people uncomfortably hook up. It hurts or it's uncomfortable. It's fast. It's in a cramped space. High school, are you smelling? Yeah, no, no, no. This is just a nervous tick. Oh, okay, uncomfortable. It's fast. It's in a cramped space. High school, it's in, are you smelling? Yeah, no, no, no. This is just a nervous tick. I'm just holding it.

Oh, okay, good. Yeah, sorry. No, no, no. You can smell it. Smell it. Smell it. Smell it. Hold it.

Touch it. Rub it against your tits. I like it. I like the texture. You can take it if you want to take it. No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm just admiring the texture. Every high school hookup is uncomfortable.

They are. Well, can I, I'll admit this. I didn't even kiss a single girl in high school yes you never kissed a girl no i got kissed more in middle school i was french kissing girls like by the you know the cat yeah you were tongue and i was tongue and chicks in like seventh grade but then what happened you found god yeah it was the christian camps no no you know what happened right it was wrestling Christian camps. No, no. You know what happened? Right.

It was wrestling too. But it made you disappointed. I was always cutting weight or it was either I was cutting weight, going to a meet or going to Bible study. Right. That's not a good, you know what I mean? And you were good at wrestling. Yeah, I was damn good. Really good.

Yeah, I was really good. You set a record at Poway High? Yeah, fastest pin, five seconds, I think. You think it's still there? I think it is. I think it is. If you go look up like whatever, diego unified wrestling record whatever i don't could you have wrestled in college yes and no you know what that's funny you brought that up

because when i choked at the state meet uh shout out to brandstetter my coach talked to me after the season was over hey are you thinking about wrestling in college or coaching and i'm like nah dude like i'm done so the most cruel and ironic thing happened like the kid that had beat me my junior year i think his name was michael kalmar from rosemead he ended up wrestling for asu oh wow on scholarship i just randomly it's kind of like your past haunting you oh yeah you know and then i just you know i would you look at what was that what was the the newsletter that um asu had you know the they had a student press they had their own like publication or i don't remember what it was called whatever but it was you know all the students would read it you know what i mean and i just remember looking there oh yeah he's in there and then i just remember seeing him and then i i saw him face to face and he was like i just felt

like a fool because it's like oh my god it's like your past haunting you yeah but that it didn't stop there like i remember i don't know how i met this guy but he was the sun kiss kids 105 110 pounder that was training for the olympics he was like the little guy that couldn't make the the team team because the lowest weight back then was like 125 or 118 this guy was like a little stud how much did you weigh back then i don't know probably 120 115 but i i could have made you know i wrestled 100 pounds in in high school So I met this guy, this Sunkist kid stud. He was a man. He had a full mustache, and he was just a stud.

And he wrestled with the real team training for the Olympics. I had met him. He was looking for a training partner, and I don't know why or how. I mentioned, oh, I used to wrestle in high. And then he goes, all right, come. I need to train. Do you want to practice? Yeah. I just remember like but back then i was so out of shape like i was smoking newports drinking 40s smoking weed like i was not the same guy that i was in poway but i showed up

to the practice room i didn't have shoes i just had my regular vans and then he had to give me a he had an extra pair of shoes wrestling shoes and so i just remember it was just me and him like private battle and then i remember the uh the coach for the olympic his name was tim vanney was there watching as well how'd you do i took him down a few times did you really no shit i took him down a few times times. Did he kind of show you some love for that? Was he impressed? Was he like, holy shit? I think it didn't, yeah, he wasn't happy about that. He was bummed that you were beating him because you're the kid that's smoking weed in Newport. No, I wasn't beating him.

He got me a few times, but just the fact that I'm out of shape, I'm smoking weed, I'm smoking, like I was smoking a half a pack of cigarettes a day. That's your skill though. But that's the thing, it's like similar to like riding a bike. You never lose that. It's like muscle memory Yeah

Yeah no but I took him down a few times I mean this guy was like Training for the Olympic You know what I mean And you were beating him No not beating him I would took him down a few times

Still good But that's still kind of For an Olympian That's demoralizing For just a kid that You're just a kid off the street Yeah He thought he was gonna manhandle you

He thought I was like gonna be his crash dummy or his punching bag or something. But no, you know what it is? It's because the only reason why I'd never placed a state is because it's similar to like imagine a comedian choking on stage. Choking in the sense that it's one thing to bomb and then do your material. I'm talking about choking where you literally freeze on stage. Like it's a- Where no words come out.

Right. I've been there. What? Young in my career, yeah, where I just choke and nothing happens and I bail. No. Oh, yeah. See, I need to hear these things, bud. I'll tell you what happened one time in the lab.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah. Where I bombed? Yeah. Please. Well, we'll go back to my book i i'm more interested in what okay well let me tell you please thank you tell you what happened in here we pour whiskey hey since you're listening to this show i think it's safe to say you love podcasts right well you'll find a ton of binge worthy podcasts including this very podcast on amazon music amazon music has more than 10 million

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the lab used to be the wall the stage was on the furthest wall there was no bar it was just a big black box room but they were doing just for laughs showcases jfl montreal montreal but i had been to montreal and so when you go the second year they usually ask you to host a showcase because you're kind of like your first year in and so I hosted a showcase but on the way down there from my apartment I smoked a massive

fucking joint by myself just for no reason and I was way too fucking high it was way too high because I was just kind of over it

I didn't want to host the show I did it just to gain more acclaim with the JFL people I was so fucking high and my set up front was so bad so bad like what let's get into it like how bad like i the first joke out of my mouth bomb and i was okay with it because i was hosting and i didn't care and i was i didn't care about the

whole thing really i was like oh whatever and the second job uh joke bombed and i was like looking at everyone and i then i got high i got real high like i was high but then i got high you know what i mean like on state i don't know i'm saying it settled into me how high i was like i realized how high i was oh it dawned on you and i was like holy shit what did i say like now i couldn't even recount what i said so i was getting nervous and i kind of just stood there for a second and i know it was probably only about a you know 30 seconds but it felt like five minutes that i was standing there and i couldn't think of what to say i don't even know what i said and i don't know what i was gonna say but everything was empty and i just kind of stood there for a minute and then i brought up the next comic as fast as i could i went outside i found another comic and i said you have to finish

hosting and i ran home and i mean ran home i got the fuck out of there it was such a traumatic weird blank experience i got the fuck out of there it was such a traumatic weird blank experience i got the fuck out of there as fast as i could so i didn't even finish hosting that night can i ask you uh this is really dude thanks for sharing that you got it baby i really appreciate that because that no because i you know uh that's something uh you know it happens you know and i i love i mean i'm not i'm not like celebrating at the fact that you you are. No, no, I'm not because it just happened to me. I mean, not as bad. Like their stakes were much higher because of Just for Laughs.

Well, I had just been there. So it was okay. I just was trying to, I was doing the favor. You usually are doing it for a favor for the bookers, but it was a bad idea on my behalf. Right, right, right. To not care and to bail. Now, what was the, because that's a small room. Was it packed to capacity with industry people or just normal folks?

What was that like? It was mostly normal people, but then it was a few industry people. Not good. You know what I would love? I mean, you don't have to do this. I'll do it. Can you tell maybe two more examples? Because I-

Of me eating shit because it makes you feel better? Well, not better. It just makes me feel like I'm not alone in the world or something, you know what I mean? I promise you're not. Yeah, no,

I just want to hear from you because that really, like, that really, that really, like, it really spoke to my soul. I've told this story before, but I'll tell you, this is,

the other one I'll tell you is I was doing a gig with me, Gary Veeder, Alonzo Bowden, and Joel McHale were doing a corporate gig for jim beam jim beam yeah jim beam and i'm thinking a bunch of whiskey reps it's going to be great we get out there it's a ballroom of like 500 people and it's a little a bunch of japanese

guys tons of japanese guys and i was like what are all these japanese guys doing at a Jim Beam thing? I didn't know Jim Beam got bought by Suntory Whiskey. All little Japanese businessmen in their little tiny Japanese beautiful business suits, and they were eating steak dinners at round tables, not even looking at the stage. And I ate shit for 12 minutes, 15 minutes, but I mean I ate shit. But that's more of a spectacle man that's

like a movie it was so painful no how why because it's like japanese i know but they speak english they speak english but dude that i want to hear that's like such a freak occurrence oh it hurt it hurt it hurt that's such a spectacle because they would throw me a look. They'd do this. They would go. I'd go right back to their plates. They were fucking livid. They hated me. I bombed.

To me, that didn't count. I bombed so bad. Trust me, it counted. No, no, no, no. It's logged. Okay, I'll give you another one. Yeah, yeah. Give me more of.

I did a fucking corporate party. I did a corporate Christmas party like seven or eight years ago. And it was at the Pacific Design Center in West Hollywood. You know that multicolored building? I've been there. Yeah. It was at a restaurant in the basement. One of the guys who worked for the company was a huge fan.

He was like a young executive. And he saw me at the comedy store. I'd seen me a bunch and said, we're going to give you some money. And you got to come do this gig. A paid gig. Paid gig. Okay. So I said yes.

And that night I was leaving on a flight. So I had to go right from there. lax okay and i thought what a great way to grab a check this is amazing how long was your set 30 minutes is what i was supposed to do for them well i was gonna do an hour initially but then they had then me then they had like a singer and all the shit okay and i am on fire i was killing was killing. It was so much fun. I was making fun of certain people. You know, it was teasing. You doing crowd work?

Yeah, I was crowd, mostly crowd work at those corporate events. That's what they really, you know, they want you to have fun with them. And then the boss's wife, the head guy who I didn't know, his wife started chitter-chattering. And-

What, during your performance? During your act? Shut up, bitch. Wait, wait, wait. Shut up, bitch. Wait, hold up. Say that again? I said, shut up, bitch. This is not in your. Shut up, bitch. Wait, hold up. Say that again? I said, shut up, bitch.

This is not in your head. You said this vocally. Out loud on accident. Didn't know it was the boss's wife. I thought it was just some guy's loud. She was chirping and yelling and talking shit. And I was like, shut up, bitch. And it was silent.

I mean, it was a fucking pin drop silent. Why did you do that? No, dude. Why did you do that, Andrew. Why did you do that? Oh, no. Dude. Why did you do that, Andrew? Andrew. Why did you do that? And I had to be up there for 15 more minutes just fucking, just nervous. And the dude was pissed off.

He was like, you shut the fuck up. Oh, it changed. The currents changed. It was bad. I was swimming upstream, kid. I was a salmon swimming upstream and there was a big bear up there. How much more time did you have to do? Another 15 or 20 minutes I did. How did you get? How did you trudge? I didn't. I blacked out and I was sweating. How did. I was a salmon swimming upstream, and there was a big bear up there. How much more time did you have to do it? Another 15 or 20 minutes I did.

How did you get? How did you trudge? I didn't. I blacked out, and I was sweating. How did you trudge through that? I just was just, I had to put, I was thinking about the check, thinking about the check, thinking about the check, thinking about the check. That's all I was doing the whole time.

Thinking about the check. Thinking about the check. Give me the check. Let me get on the plane. Give me the check. Let me, and then when I got off. You were thinking these things. Yeah, and when I got off stage, the guy who I knew handed me, he goes, hey, man, sorry,

this was weird. I think they're not happy and I was like yeah no no no and he's like we're gonna get you out of here and I was like

mmhmm and I never spoke to those people ever again I that guy who was a fan I think he fucking I think he's not a fan

because I made him look bad in front of his fucking boss anyway thanks Mike thanks for the money alright I just need

one more story I killed I killed a guy on stage no no no no one time I killed a guy on stage. No, no, no, no, no. One time I killed a man. No, this is a joke. No, a man died.

No, no, no, no. At the hands of me. Don't make fun. Don't make fun. At the hands of me. No, no, no, no, no, no. Is this a bit you're doing? No, no, no, no, no.

You're joking, right? No. This is a real story? Yeah. A person died because of you. Mm-hmm. Are you sure it was because of your material? Mm-hmm. No, that might be in your mind. He couldn't take it. No, no, of you. Mm-hmm. Are you sure it was because of your material? Mm-hmm.

No, that might be in your mind. He couldn't take it. No, no, that might be in your mind. He pulled out a gun in the middle of my show, and he said, enough! No. Mm-hmm. I can just stop there. I just stopped there.

So, okay, my next question so is it like when you decide to do this kind of art form this type of entertainment right stand up is it like a sport like hockey or football where you're gonna get hit you're gonna get hit you're gonna get hit you're gonna get hit that's the best way to think about it because before i thought you're gonna bomb you're gonna get hit but because before because i had the thing is I was, I'm not saying I killed, but I at least- You did well. I did okay.

I didn't bomb those other nine shows. But then I thought of this. I'm like, oh, those didn't count because if you think about it, where did I go up? Okay, I did Tempe Improv opening up for Jeremiah,

but then Scissor Bro fans were there Scissor Bro fans King and the Sting fans were there King and the Sting fans so they were just wanting to see me

right and then I did guest spots for Brendan Schwab when he was prepping for his half hour thing at the Ha Ha Club guess what

same thing same fans all those people like they knew who I was so now you're feeling out new fans now you're feeling what it's like

to have new people come see you for the first time so wouldn't that be the better're feeling what it's like to have new people come see you for the first time so wouldn't that be the the better gauge sure because it's like whatever you do to the people who already like you that's kind of like a cheat or something a cheat code a little bit of a game genie yeah so the main so how do you get good to the point where you're good to the strangers you're good you gotta do it a lot that's years right it's years it's years and that's why strap in baby i know that's why i because i you know i've thought about that i couldn't i've been obsessively thinking about

this i'm like oh i thought of it wrong no this is this is like this is like trying to learn jujitsu sure and i'm like i don't even have a white you know what i'm saying you don't even have a white this is like, this is like trying to learn jujitsu. Sure. And I'm like, I don't even have a white, you know what I'm saying? You don't even have a white belt. Yeah. I didn't respect it.

Like, and that's my bad. That's my arrogance. You didn't do anything wrong. No, no, no, no,

I did is the way I thought about it. I didn't respect what y'all did. I'm like, I did, but I did it. And I'm like, Oh, cause I'd be in the back of the OR watching you guys.

And I'm like, Oh, not judging, but it just like when you're in the stands and the OR watching you guys, and I'm like, oh. Judging. Not judging, but it's just like when you're in the stands and you're watching them do their thing, you're not realizing. How difficult it is. Exactly what they're going through psychologically.

Yeah. And the way I'm looking at it now, I mean, I'm learning it. I might be off, but it's like that's just one aspect is getting your material out. There's like a thousand other things. Totally.

Like even the way Jeremiah was saying like, dude, you got to learn to read the room. Like, why did you do the, you know what I'm saying? Why did you do the digital? Reading the room. Yeah, yeah. The way you present the material. Timing gets different. The time of the sets is different.

There's so many elements. What I don't like about it, it's kind of like criminal psychology. There's so many elements. What I don't like about it, it's kind of like criminal psychology. It's kind of like I didn't realize how much social psychology was going on in real time. You know what I'm saying? Totally. Where they're honing into like my energy source and they know.

It's almost like they see through me like he's expecting some reaction. reaction you know like they know i'm expecting something they do what is that this is a balance that you're trying to figure out how to entertain these people and at the same time get them on your side but also appeal to their naughty sense of thinking or laughing about something that maybe they would never say out loud or think out or really think through but you're you're balancing all these things at the same time so you're your mind you're mind magicians we're mind magicians we're trying to make people feel a type of way so what does that come year five year eight year 12 year 13 or 14 maybe i'm kidding i'm kidding you'll get there no i'm just no no, but this is the thing.

And then I don't, the way I'm looking at it too, I'm not, my intention wasn't like, yeah, I'm gonna start doing comedy and killing. It was just an outlet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was just like, I thought it would be like, it was personal to me. I wanted to get good enough where I could go back to Tempe

and have an okay set. I think you could. I think with time. But I did, I did that at Tempe. But with time on your own. No, but my intention was like, oh, I'm going to do this. And then I'm going to get this show. And then I'm going to get repped here.

And then I'm going to do, you know, none of that. I'm more like, it's more like an experiment to me. Sure. You know, it's just like, oh, like someone who wants to learn how to surf or something. You know what I mean? You're like, you know, I always liked the ocean. But someone that wants to surf at competitions is what you're trying. You're trying to surf at competitions.

See, that's a good question that you just posed. I don't know yet. I just know that, look, it makes sense now because get this. It's like I'm doing these podcasts where they're getting, you know, there's like King of the Sting, for example. Like there's all of them are on your level, right? Theo, Brandon, Griffin,in right so i thought of it like that like oh because they're already talking about we should take this on the road

and steve can mc you know i mean just just um in passing hasn't happened yet but i'm thinking that seed was planted i'm like huh oh that could be kind of cool like i can host and then jeremiah we start doing these live podcasts and then i remember it i was in vegas with him he was doing a new club there i wanted to go just to vlog and to be of service to help sells merch right so i was there i'm telling i'm kidding i'm not kidding you i was there to be of service i'm in the back of the room i was like even making a signage for him very nice you know limited edition Jeremiah Watkins t-shirt

you know what I'm saying you're a nice boy and I'm watching him and I was just being trying to do the right thing sure but then I remember the second day

the second show or one of the comics didn't show up like and then I was in the green room and then and then I could tell like

oh what are we gonna you know and I'm like I don't know why I said it but I'm like maybe to be of service why I said it, but I'm like, maybe to be of service, but I go, uh,

I'll go up if you don't have any, you know, I don't know why I said that. Nice though. You threw yourself out there. I just, just thought it'd be the nice thing to do.

But then the, the look of concern on Jeremiah's face, like he, he went, are you serious, Steve? I go,

yeah, I mean like, he goes, do you have like, what do you, do you have material? Like I go, and I was honest. I go yeah I mean like he goes do you have like what do you do you have material like I go and I was honest I go no

I don't have any material but I'll just go up there and he goes Steve I mean I'm not saying not to do it but man

like he wanted to kind of like screen me yeah like he was like he was really concerned because it's his show sure

so he was like what do you think you're gonna be talking about like just if i let you do like if you really want and then i didn't know because i'll be i didn't know i was just it was spontaneous i was just like i'll do it i'll take one for the team you know what i mean and you went up no i didn't that that night i did it but but another seed was planted because like in my mind it was like it was kind of like you you got near the pool and you kind of dipped your toe in but you didn't do the cannonball in the pool you're not gonna jump yeah i dip i dip like my foot in i just feel it i dip my foot in so i'm like oh shit i could have done that shit so that happened and then all these

other you know the you know you have to pay attention to the universe like things and relationships and opportunities what else what's the universe telling you now well well and another thing is like because you know i'm i was in a band and i'm in a band manchi and uh i don't know how extensively i could talk about this but why not well i can but basically we promoted your album okay okay so basically with monchi like someone had met like a really like a producer who had a mansion you know he had like millions of dollars of gear in his home like you know he had this like compressor machine that the beatles you i mean this guy was a millionaire you know yeah and so he had met um david show and money mark and then they had talked about our band

and he was he showed interest in recording us and um i was i've been doing so many podcasts andrew like i couldn't make the first two sessions so they had called a more younger female vocalist to like just you know show up and edit and then so to make the long story short they basically just decided to go with her decided to go with her you're out of the band

well not technically I'm not yes and no you're out of the band I don't know how to say this but you're fucking deaf man but it's one of those things where if that's the case

I'm gonna play devil's advocate if that's okay I respect. If it is. If it is. Which it is. They didn't technically have to kick me out, but it was done more in a humane way, I guess.

We need this. If you really care about us, you'll let this happen. Yeah. They bullied you into kicking you out they bullied you into kicking yourself out what wait a minute well isn't that genius oh yeah she's very talented what's mung chi mean mung chi means hammer in korean hammer hammer i mean just means hammer mung chi yeah mung chi yeah so that happened gentlemen yeah mung chi so how do you say nail i don't know uh my korean's the worst you don't know what nail me because i gotta tell you if

you're gonna start your own band call it nail their hammer and your nail no no no no i would never do that or sledgehammer you should be above sledgehammer yeah or uh or mallet or uh just be one bigger thing than a hammer whatever yeah so basically like what you're saying you can interpret it your way and i you know i'm sure okay well i didn't say it you said it you got kicked out of mung chi technically i didn't but you could keep saying that no you kicked you out of mung chi well that's the thing they're like well you know like because we had a meeting and they're like, well, you know, because he was getting frustrated

because they were doing so many jamming sessions and they're like, Who's the producer, can you say? No, no, no. He's not even well known. He's just like a guy who knew people in the misfit. I don't know. He knew people in the industry, but

I think he made it through real estate or something. I don't know. I don't know much about the guy, but we had a meeting with him, and he's like, look, I'm getting frustrated because you guys keep recording. I want to finish the best songs, and the best songs thus far is with her. Because when I went that third day, I was riding away, going in the vocal booth, doing my best. I was really taking it seriously, but it was too late. of went that third day i was riding away going in the vocal booth doing my best yeah you know i was really taking it seriously but it was like too late so to make a long story short there's no

animosity you know because in a way it kind of like that closed yeah and then that's where like going back to where we're at now where i'm like and then i'm showing up to these podcasts hey you want to do a guest spot here steve oh ste, Steve, you should go over here. Hey, Steve. Listen to the universe. Maybe this is the shift you need. Meng Chi needs to take a break and you need to move on to something else. And I did. You did. So I'm saying maybe this is beautiful. Maybe we're going to look back and go,

I'm glad I kicked myself out of Meng Chi. But maybe I might have missed. You fucked up. Maybe they're going to be platinum and sell millions of records and tour the world. And you fucked up, Steve. Let me ask you something else. Let me move sideways. I forgot, though. Are you in love right now?

No, I'm not. Are you looking for love? No, I mean, because, you know, I was in a long-term relationship. Yeah, and now you're single-mingle? Yeah, I mean, you know, the thing is, and I'll be quite honest, it's like, dude, like, I am so addicted to masturbation, like, as far as the way I do it. What do you mean? Your technique?

Not just that. It's just like, I do stuff like people in prison do. Like, you know, like, I make my own, like, homemade Fifi's, you know, like. You do? Yeah. I make my own homemade Fifi's. You do? Yeah. I go real dark. I'll go to Tarte. I'll look for a latex glove.

Certain lotions I could squeeze in there. When I cause friction in the glove, what feels best on my dick, what types of lotion feels good in this glove. What do you... I'm constantly experimenting. What do you... I'm constantly experimenting. What do you make the feefies out of? How do you make those? Well, I've gone down all of those avenues. I've had the black butt with the butt and the

vagina. I've had the regular white flesh light with the, you know, I've had the tanga egg where, you know, I've done every single kind of toy. I don't know what almost any of those things are. Exactly, because you're a regular regular guy yeah you're healthy i just jerk off exactly i just jerk off yeah so but wait a minute time out yeah what is this interesting to you or me it is to me it is it is it is why why is it interesting because it opens up a new vision of you of who i of who you are to me what What contraption do you use the most now?

Is it homemade? What's the homemade thing you're rocking with right now? Okay, so do you want complete honesty? Yes, I do. No filters? No filters. You want honesty? Hit me with it hard.

Just by chance, I was in between. I was like, the flashlight stopped feeling so good Why is that you think? I don't know I just think Because not only that It's like It's more of You're more self-conscious

When you have this thing And you're like This big thing You're having to prepare Like you're prepping a meal Just to fuck it You know that type of thing And you're more

You feel like more of a loser after you nut and you have to clean this black butt out and squeeze dishwashing liquid and it is yeah yeah it's like a whole thing it's weird yeah it's weird yeah so i'm like i don't know what how i came up with the idea can we edit all this out nope okay so i i don't know how i came up with this idea but but I'm like, oh. Because I'm like, I hated it when I just conventionally jerk off and then you would nut on your belly button or stomach. And then because that's a whole different kind of cleaning thing you have to do there. You got to get the baby wipes.

You got to get the napkins or whatever. There's a whole thing in that, right? There's a whole process. Or just jump in the shower. That too. You could always just do that. But I mean, usually I'm jerking off like four or five in the, you know, so I'm not going to jump in the shower. Four or five in the morning?

Oh yeah. 5 a.m. you masturbate? You're not asleep? Oh, we got to edit at least that part out. No way. What you just said there, because you're giving away times and stuff like that. Let's just, let's edit that part, the 5 a.m. Stop.

They don't have to know the time. It doesn't matter. Okay. So let me get, I don't want to miss the time. It doesn't matter. Okay, so let me get, I don't want to miss the point. Okay, please. So I'm like, oh. I'm thinking, I'm like, I'm trying to think like a mad scientist.

I'm like, just like, oh, I'll just use a condom. I'll jerk off. This is my thought. Oh, I could. No cleanup. Exactly. That's the number one.

I'm glad you said that. Yeah. No cleanup. Clean. No cleanup. But I'm like, oh, I could squeeze a little lotion, aloe vera lotion in the number one. I'm glad you said that. Yeah. No cleanup. I get that. But I'm like, oh, I could squeeze a little aloe vera lotion in the condom and then it's already lubricated and then I could just jack off with that. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. So that's what you're doing. Well, no, no, no, no, no, no. I started with that. Ah. But condoms are not cheap. Right. Condoms, like If you go to

Rite Aid or CVS Or you go to West Hollywood And at all of those HIV centers Testing centers They're all free I know but I'm not gonna You don't wanna go there?

I don't wanna take a bus there Just to get my masturbation kit I think you should Well no I'm gonna get to where I'm at now What led me Okay Cause that'd be my number one choice

But I'm frugal Like Bob Priority Like I cook my own meals. I make my own fried rice. I use the soap until I can't use my soap, you know, the bars. I'm really frugal. You're frugal. That's a good thing.

Yeah, I'm practical. Practical, yeah. So I'm like, oh, what's the next best thing? And then I think maybe, oh, no, it was because I go to In-N-Out Burger a lot. And I noticed that this dude if you're gonna tell me like the way they wrap the burgers and you use a wrapper no no no i don't know i don't know where your head's going with you okay go ahead i'm like oh like i like i noticed the employees were wearing latex gloves i'm like you got a job at in and out and then i just no no no

i can put my dick in there five times. No, no, I'm thinking, I just, I kind of, I kind of just said, I made up an excuse.

I said, uh, do you guys have extra pair of latex gloves? Cause I'm like a germaphobe, like, you know, when I got my order. And so they gave me two.

And so I go, okay. And I put them on my pocket. And then like, I think that night I like, I, it just dawned on me. I'm like, oh, these gloves are latex too. So that's how I got the idea.

So now it's like this revised- You're jerking off into gloves. Your penis is in and in and out glove. You're jerking off into safety gloves. That's what you're doing. You wear them during the day, you jerk off in them in the evening or in the wee hours in the morning, I should say.

Steve, this is impressive. It's impressive. We're leaving it all in. No, no, no, no, no, no. Cause I know- Leave it in. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You gotta.

Let's really talk this out. Cause I thought we had a really good beginning and middle part. I'm not criticizing you. You're not? No. Dude, you're not doing anything wrong or illegal or immoral.

But to me, I look like just this weird, you know what? The way I look at it, it's like, oh, people are going to watch this and going to be like, you know how like people look at Gollum? Like in Lord of the Rings? Correct, yeah.

Precious. Like in the cave. Perfect. With the fish. What you just did is perfect. You know, like that. Like they're going to see this and be like, oh, that's Steve.

That's not true. I got my glove. Well, the more you do that, yeah, the more they're going to think about you. No, no, no. But in my mind, I'm thinking once they watch this, they're going to be like, oh, that's, Steve's like Gollum.

I think people have way weirder shit than that. Way weirder shit than that. Steve, yeah, do the internet. Go on the internet. You'll find some. No, no, no, no, no, no. Let's specify weirder masturbation techniques than that. You don't think that's a bit odd?

I think people still try to suck their own dicks. That's a real thing. Do you try to suck your own dick? Andrew, it's not long or big enough. That's what I'm saying. But there's people out there that do, that really do go for it all the time. And even if my dick was that big,

let's say it was like the size of that, the tallest whiskey bottle there. Yeah, the Seagull Rare. I would be so, like imagine you doing that at night, even though you're alone in your room and you're fucking sucking your dick. The moment like that thought enters your head,

like what am i doing well imagine if like your drapes got drawn and somebody saw you that's that's somebody poked their head steve i got some of your mail what are you steve i mean yeah you know so people have way weirder ways of sexual sexual deviance deviance by the, and you're not harming anybody. You've done nothing wrong. So my point is, who cares? Oh, I left out

a major part of it though. Yeah. So I do that, but then I have a... And they give the gloves back. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I don't... I discard those.

Right. I have a portable Black & Decker heater. So... Oh, like a floor heater. A heater, yeah. Like a portable heater. I got it, I got it. You know? Yeah, floor heater. heater yeah like a portable heater i got it i got it you know

i heat it up you heat up the glove yeah why it's like putting them like so do you put the glove on the heater you just warm it in front of it okay so okay do you want me to demonstrate i do might as well i mean i really do we're all the way here you open this door I do. I might as well. I really do. We're all the way here. You opened this door. You drove here. You might as well. Let's say this is the heater and there's hot air. Very hot. Okay.

Let's say this is the glove. Okay. I'll prep my whatever I'm watching on X videos. Pornhub. Yeah, or whatever. I'm prepping that. What are we talking? iPad, iPhone, TV?

Just the phone. Just the phone. Yeah. I don't mind the phone. I watchad iphone tv just the phone just the phone yeah i don't mind the phone i watch full-on movies on the phone i don't care i don't care you know yeah and so i so i do when i'm when i'm i can't do it when i'm soft right so i have to at least arouse to the point where i have a woody and so it's it's ready right so oh god i'm ready so i do this like the heaters, let's say the heater's going this way. I place it probably like right here and for about maybe 10 seconds, if that.

15 seconds, 10, 15 seconds. All right, we'll say 15. All right, 15 seconds. And then what happens is it gets heated with the lotion. There's a cool thing that happens where it kind of molds to get into the glove. Let's edit this out, man. So, yeah, it's getting – it's kind of like – this is a good example. You know how you have a microwave oven?

I do. Certain people like to microwave it like a minute. Certain people like a minute and a half. Other people like it burnt you know i mean like it's kind of like that type of thing right i know medium medium well how'd you know yeah so it is medium medium well yeah and then but then you need the timing where because they'll lose right when you move the the glove it's going to start losing heat so you have to time it where when you heat it, you go like this and you put it right over. Right over your penis.

Yeah. And you got to go right away. Yeah, no, because this method, oh, I left a major detail too. So, dude, I hate, you must be loving this. Every second of it. Okay, so I left a major detail Can I just

Please There's a major detail Tell the crowd Yeah So When you squeeze The lotion Into the glove

It comes out In just one spurt right Yeah You have to Have you seen Karate Kid Of course Okay so you know how Mr. Miyagi

Yes You have to literally Do that with the glove You have you know how Mr. Miyagi... Yes. You have to literally do that with a glove. You have to do a Mr. Miyagi. To disperse evenly the lotion. Right, you don't want it clogged up into one corner. Yeah. Wow.

That's a major detail. Which finger does your penis go to the most? Index, ring, middle, thumb, pinky. Where does your penis go to the most? Because it goes into one of the slots, doesn't it? It has to go into one of the slots. Which slot does your penis go in the most, Steve? Let me think. Hold up, man.

Because I didn't think you were gonna go that i didn't think you're gonna go that much into detail but you do it does go into a slot doesn't yeah um you know does it go index ring ring index index middle index middle yeah those are the two hypothetically the longest right yeah that's pretty good but it's good to know i haven't talked this extensively about this i mean this is like the first time i'm getting this much into detail i feel like i've said in passing yeah dude i jerk off at the latex club dude and then people like i mean that alone is like oh okay you know but like this because this is like what 20 minutes just on this yeah i have this is really deep but it's comforting because you know what somebody at home right now is listening and going, I do something very similar.

Somebody does something similar, dude. You're not alone. Or what if one of your listeners is trying to find a new practical, affordable method of masturbation? You're not hurting anyone. Correct. And you're saving money. Correct. And vice versa and so on and so on um i don't

what's the thing you're missing i don't because it gets so sticky and creamy in there yeah that i don't really focus on the fingers because i can what i do is uh let's say this is the glove i What I do is, let's say this is the glove. I tend to, like, because I like watching, like, blowjob videos, too. Like, my shtick now, like, lately, the last two or three months, is, like, POV, like, blowjob. Like, I type in not just blowjob. I type in sensual. This is what I type in.

Because you want it to be loving. Yeah. You want some emotion in the blowjob. You don't want something, you don't want like, you don't like that. You like it smooth and sweet. I type in POV,

sensual blowjob. That's nice. So when, because a lot of those videos, a lot of the scenes are like, they focus on the head of your penis. That's right. So that's what I do with my kit.

Rimming. I rim, I rim, I's right. So that's what I do with my kit. Rimming. I rim. I rim. I like that you brought that up. I rim my dick with the latex glove just on the head and yeah. So you're having trouble finding women. It's getting tough right now. Has it been tough, Steve?

Put that on your head. That's your sweet little, my little prince. Look at my little sweet prince. Oh, your timing is impeccable. So wait a minute. Your timing, you are a veteran, aren't you? Tell me. You are a veteran comic.

That was impeccable. When's the last time you went on a date? I mean, do we have to open this door? Yeah, open it up. Don't leave it locked, baby. When's the last time we went out on a date? It's been a long time, Andrew. Why can't we get you out on a date?

Girls, don't lie. This is the thing. You're such a sweet, sweet, cute. No, this is the thing. Good looking guy. Hold up, hold up. Who doesn't want to fuck Steve? Has Bob talked to you about my poop, my shit breath?

Yeah. Dude, my breath smells like shit. Well, you... Okay. Like, okay like shit well we gotta get like someone open up their asshole and shit on my teeth on my gums well let's get me to a dentist and that's that see that's the that's the whole mind bender we gotta get my phobia is the dent like i don't like the smell of the lobby i don't like the way the music's playing i don't like the magazine you know they can put you under now you can do it you can i don't like any of it i know but you won't know what i don't like the smell of the hallway going into the nobody does i don't like any of it but nobody does we just have to do it i will do everything in my power

not to go to the dentist like shit like the lees like my brother, the way Lee's deal with our teeth, it gets so bad. It just, they end up falling out. It goes through the whole, you know, there's a painful process as far as like when the root canal, when your nerves are like exposed and we're just popping like eight Advil and just like trying to endure. Yeah. I've been through that. Because your brother has teeth missing still. He's got several. You know what?

That's so crazy. You brought that up because one time, let me just tell you this story. Yeah. There's this Peruvian place on Melrose called Mario's. Oh, yeah. That's good food, right? I mean, I love it. Yeah, that's good food.

They had this dish called saltado, something saltado. Sure. Whatever. It's like steak with potatoes. And I'm like, dude, we got to go here. And he's like, Saltado. Sure. Whatever. It's like steak with, you know, potatoes. And I'm like, dude, we got to go here. And he's like, all right. And then we went there and we had the same dish. And I just remember like looking over to see if he's enjoying it.

He was literally trying to bite the steak with his gums. Like he was like. And I didn't know what that was. I'm like, what are you? He's got no teeth back there On this side yeah On one of the sides he was trying to bite With his gums So don't let your teeth fall out

Go to the dentist And then you won't have shit breath Your teeth won't fall out And then maybe you'll go on a nice date I want to get you on a nice date You're such a sweet prince shut the fuck all right i i appreciate that you're such a sweet i know you're sincere yeah because i like you i think you're i think you're a good soul you're you're you're you're you're sweeter than your

brother you've got way more uh sympathy empathy than your ch Chug it. Chug it. Chug it. Uh-oh. And I got to tell you something, man. Hold up. You deserve something special. Can I tell you another thing that you need in LA that I don't have and I haven't had in like over a decade? What's that? A car. Why can't we get you...

A car. Let's get you a car. Can we get you a car? Not only that. You know what? We should get Bob. My life has expanded. My life has grown through showing up to these podcasts, trying stand Not only that. You know what? We should get Bob. My life has expanded. My life has grown through showing up to these podcasts, trying stand-up again, showing up

to these places. Don't do... Whatever you're doing, don't go to CarMax or whatever you're about to do, don't do that right now. I'm going to call your brother. I'm going to make him feel bad about not giving... No, no, no, no. I don't want sympathy.

No, Andrew. No. No, no, no. You know what? I could buy a car on my own right now. No, but he should buy you one for fun. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I could buy my own car.

That's what I'm telling you. But why don't you do it? Wait. I could buy the car. I have money saved up. But why don't you buy the car? I could buy anything I want right now. Why don't you do it?

Press stop and I'll tell you why. I know. I don't want that sympathy like, Dan, I paid for this. I paid. Because I haven't asked him for shit in a while. But why don't you buy the car then? He's helping me enough, okay?

And that's a good question. is it you know what that's a very there's something else going on like deep-rooted like maybe psychologically with like the phobia of you know committing to going to a car dealership or you know or there's something going on you have anxiety towards the whole thing yeah there's something going on that i haven't like quite examined like why is that because because a normal person will be like all right go to the lot talk to the guy okay how much is the whatever how many miles are you okay how much what are the month what are the monthly payments you know like you just don't want to go through the shit yeah to me like in my mind it's like it's this like climbing up this lava mountain like oh god what about just buying it online i know carmax they deliver it to your house really you don't even have to leave your house you can

just stay there but do it on the computer you can know because i have saved money like i'm not like i know you do i don't have the kind of money you guys have, but I've saved enough where I could get a pretty cool- You could get anything you want. Yeah, I could get a little Corolla or something. So let's do it. I don't know why. There's something going on. You just can't do it.

I think a part of me is like, maybe it's kind of like, because I want to identify with the struggling artists. It's just some obscure- But even struggling artists need to get to the place that they're doing the art at it's ridiculous right yeah you need to get to the place that you're doing the art at okay can I tell you how much money you're spending on ubers a fuckload let me say that again how much money you spent are you spending on ubers a fuck load you're probably spending up to a thousand dollars a month on Ubers. A lot. Can you look? Look at how much you're spending on Ubers.

I want to know. Well, I could do it right now. How much a day? Probably $40, $43 per day, something like that. So around $40 to $50 a day, give or take. Well, that's not true because when I have to show up somewhere, like if I have to go to King of the Sting, like tonight, I came here, I had to get an Uber. If I have to go to Jeremiah's, that's a little cheaper. That's like maybe 12 bucks to get there. So yeah,

like maybe three days a week, I spend that kind of money to get to where I need to go. I don't want to leave. I'm a hermit. If I don't have to go anywhere, I will stay in my little cave. But even still, look at that. You're still spending 600 to 800 bucks a month. Is it? Depends on how often you're taking other... Oh, it is. So that gets like a car

payment, right? Yeah, definitely. Alright, we'll look into it. We're getting you a car. No, no, no. We'll look into it. I want something just small that'll get me there. You deserve the convenience, is my point. Is it convenient, though? Having a car? Well, no, no, no, no.

You're missing the flip side of that. DMV, fucking insurance. Small things. Small things. They come and they go. The tag. Small things. They come and they go.

You don't even think about them at some point. What about your electric bill, your gas bill? You know what? You're right, because- Small things things they come and they go you don't even think about them at some point do you what about your electric bill your gas bill you know what you're right because small things they come you know what like even with my internet i thought it was like a huge ordeal but now but now since i'm making better money i'm like oh that's just a thing i don't even think about it because you need to have it oh yeah no not necessarily true like you're saying you need a car i think in los angeles it's hard to not have one. But you're missing the point. You were talking about dating.

I know, but you need one to date. No, but that's why I'm agreeing with you on that aspect. Okay. If you don't have a car and you're trying to date in Los Angeles, it's going to be fucking difficult. It's going to be hard. It's going to be almost impossible. Okay. Okay. Well, let's get you a car. Then we can get you on a date because you're a sweet prince

and you deserve love. You deserve love. You know, but the thing is I am so, I have so many weird things about me like that I, you know, like just. Like jerking off in a glove? Yeah, like jerking off in a latex glove. That's okay. Not only that, check this out. I didn't even, I didn'd even talk about like my sleep. You know, the Lees are horrible with their sleeping patterns. Yeah. He doesn't sleep.

He doesn't sleep. I know. When do you sleep? I mean, sometimes it's eight in the morning. Sometimes it's 11 in the morning. Sometimes it's five in the morning. What do you think that's from? Trauma?

No, I think because I, you know, I just went to see my mom. My mom's the same way. Like we, we like, We cherish our alone time. Put it this way. My mom, she prefers no contact with humans. I'm like, I worry about her. I'm like, don't you have friends out here? Once my dad passed, I was trying to get my mom to get a dog.

I'm like, oh, mom, you should get a little dog, a poodle, or whatever mom you should get like you know you should get like a little dog a poodle or you know whatever you know you should get a maltese whatever she's like oh no she we like i think it's passed down to me and bob where if bob doesn't have to show up to this movie set or this podcast or this tv tape whatever he would be okay with his little gadgets at home home. Yeah. For the rest of time. You ever notice when you're trying to talk to Bob, like he needs, he always needs some sort of stimulation. Like you could be talking to him and he'd be like. Yeah,

yeah, no, he loves, he loves toying with stuff. What, what, what, what?

You know, like, it's like, dude, it's always like that when you were kids. I don't know. It's gotten progressively worse, but have you,

you know him, you know, you've seen what he does. Yes, of course. You know, he's just like. He's got a course. He's got to have a thing. He always has to be doing something.

Yeah. Rather like, dude, I need you here present. I'm trying to communicate with you. No, no, no, I'm hearing you, dude. What, what? But he's not. It's crazy. But do you think when you were a kid, when you guys were kids,

did the family ever eat dinner together in the same room? Nah. Once in a while, yeah. Once in a while. But it was rare. Yeah. I mean. And did you guys ever have moments where you were together as a family and did stuff together?

Did you ever take vacations as a family? Yeah. I mean, yeah. Of course. Like any family in America or in the world. Some people don't. It's like, you know, like I remember, yeah, taking the trip to Yosemite where Bob got diarrhea.

He drank the river water. Or like us going to Disneyland or, you know, like Knott's Berry Farm. Yeah. Yeah. We did all that stuff, but there came a time where,

you know, like I didn't realize how abusive, like my father was to the whole family. Like, it's like, we should be seeing a shrink every day just because of that. Like, I blocked a lot of that out.

Like, like even the part where i was a kid and my brother remembers clearly like dude you don't remember like mom barricading the dresser dude like and then she had blood in her mouth and i don't remember that part i just remember like what it felt like my you know wow like where like i like blocked a lot of those parts out where like because my dad like my dad was you know what my dad reminded me of have you seen that movie um raging bull who's that that was rocky marciano right like robert denaro rocky marciano yeah he was like that like he was he was he was just a hot like maniac he

could just flip at any time and go and just lose it yeah i mean he knocked my mom's tooth out dude i know that's fucking crazy i remember i remember the night uh my brother fought back he fought back one night and i remember uh i heard commotion in the hallway and i'm like what the fuck is going on you know they're hearing commotion and dude i opened up the door to the hallway it was like watching like blood sport 2 like buck whatever the fuck it like any thai okay think of a thai kung fu movie it was that it was that and they were beating the shit out yeah and it was so interesting because if it was one-sided my dad would have backed him up and just start my brother would back up and he would he would do flying knees back to him like think of two flying monkeys

like think of two kung fu characters like they're both their styles were flying monkey just constantly kicking in the air it was flying monkey knees yeah yeah boom then he'd back him up then he'd back him up then he'd back him up yeah it was crazy wow but i remember like seeing this and witnessing this and i'm like and i closed the door and i'm like oh shit bob's becoming a man yeah you fight your dad when you're becoming a man you know what i'm saying it was that it was like you've dealt with stuff no that's a that's a thing as soon as you as soon as you step back up you kind of become a man but you don't take it anymore you stepped up to the lion yeah the cub becomes a lion too you know what i mean that's That's exactly right. Yeah. And I remember I, he, uh,

I, I, he gained a lot more respect that day. I, there was a few things, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm proud of like his,

um, acting accomplishments, his comedic accomplishments. Every, you know, I was there when he was on Jay, you know, Jay Leno.

And I'm, I was so proud of him and all these things, these landmark, I mean, these like these great moments. I, I'm proud of him and all these things, these landmark, I mean, these like, these great moments. I, I'm proud of him for those. But I, what stands out to me is when we're like, like I was proud of him that moment when he stood up to my dad. But then there was a wrestling match where I was on the side of the mat where he was wrestling this really tough Filipino kid or,

you know, uh, from Monta Vista. And it was, it was, they went into overtime and it was so, it was like watching a, like a, a movie or something like,

and they, they, they had attitude. Like they were talking shit to each other, like blowing each other's kids. Like, and remember they were in overtime. And then the,

the, the guy went like, he like, it was the next takedown wins. It's like maybe 4-4, 5-5. It's tied. So they go back to the circle. The guy Bob's Wrestling did this. He did like this Bruce Lee, Bruce Lai, Kung Fu.

What is that, the crane? Right, the crane. And then my brother did, blew him a kiss, went, and I'm like, what? And then once the whistle blew, my brother double-legged him up in the air and just slammed him. Game time. So that was another moment where I'm like, oh, that's my brother. Yeah. Yeah.

it where i'm like oh i'm becoming that's my brother that's my brother yeah yeah but you know i am proud like because you know he's achieved so much and a lot of the stuff that he does it's like you know what i understand you guys are really ambitious and um you know as far as your career and you know tv and movies but it's like i always i always kind of worry about like is that because it's there's always the next thing, right? Yeah. Let's say, okay, let's play this game. Okay, let's say you, because you're on a show with Lil Dicky.

I mean, that's a big thing, the show with Lil Dicky is on FX. Yeah, FX. Okay, that's a big deal. Yeah. I mean, would you say that's like the biggest thing you've worked thus far acting wise? Yeah, probably.

But there's always something, right? Above it, yeah. There's always something. Okay, like acting wise. Yeah, probably. But then, but there's always something above, right? Above it, yeah. Okay, so. There's always something. Okay, let's play devil's advocate. You just have to live in it and enjoy it and then get to the next thing when you get to the next thing. Okay, can I throw a little, can I do this little game with you as far as, okay, okay,

what if two months from now, like when the new year begins, your agent, I don't know, we don't have to say who your agent is but you could have called Quinn Tarantino really loves you okay and he has this great part for his next movie okay Tarantino

okay cool so and then you know everyone's in it that you've looked up to you know like Bill Cosby yeah

oh no no no no no no no no no no no none of them but just just the one you know like just whatever like whoever's been, you know, Samuel Jackson's going to be in it. Okay.

Right. Or something like that. Yeah. So you do that, right? And it's a hit. Yeah. And it's a hit. I mean, you can't get much cooler and better than that.

Cool. Unless it's like Martin Scorsese or something like that. Cool. You know what I'm saying? Or like Paul Tom. Paul PTA. Yeah, PTA or something like that. Once you what I'm saying? Or like Paul Tompkins. Paul PTA. Yeah, PTA or something like that. Once you do that, then what's next?

You can't get bigger than that. But you can't keep looking for what's next. You just have to just enjoy it while it's happening. Isn't that, what are you talking about? That's the way, don't you have to look at what's next? No. You have to just keep preparing for what's next and working harder to get another thing,

but you still have to just sit in the thing. If this is the last thing you do, if this is the last thing you do then this is the last thing you do you're in fucking the program aren't you it's one day at a time entertainment is kind of one chunk at a time it's like well if if this is the last kind of things i was able to do this is incredibly fun like there's a better question if it were to end tomorrow let's say like my life no no no not your life just the. Like there's no acting work. There's no. Sure, if it all goes away. Yeah, there's no comedy shows anymore.

I had a great time. Some crazy virus comes up where you can't leave again. I had a great time. And would you be content with just doing the normal Joe Blow thing? Yeah, I had a great time. Really? I had a great time, man. This has been awesome.

I'm so happy to be able to have done it All this If it ends it ends I can only control what I can control At some point is it me If it's over it's over I had a great fucking time That's how I feel man

If it's over it's over And I respect that That's true I had a great fucking time I respect that. That's true. I had a great fucking time. I respect that. Life's too short, dude. It's going to go away. Do you really enjoy doing stand-up comedy? More than anything in the world.

Why is it so enjoyable to you? Because hundreds or thousands of people live watch you formulate a thought, a joke, an idea, a premise, an angle, all at the exact same time. It's so strange. It's like such a beautiful moment of like, dude, I get to say this thing that I think is funny. And all of these people at the exact same time get to go on this little journey with this joke. Some people may receive it really well. Some people may think it's okay. Some people may not be a fan of it but they're ready for the next thing that's it's it's pretty moving to be able to kind of you get to juggle people's emotions it's really fucking cool man it's cool can you do me a favor just you know because you're you're

doing a podcast with my brother yeah can you do something like in a humane way maybe because my brother's in his 50s now okay 50 50 hear me out can you try to encourage him to really push to get his special out next year yeah we will because the reason being is because you know like you just said these things it's like you know i you, I'm a newbie on the block. I don't know much. I'm learning, right? I'm brand new on the scene. But I know that for comedians, your special's like your-

It's a thing. It's your album. It's like the Beatles, your Sgt. Peppers or- Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Put out a record. That's your thing. Yeah.

I just want him to do one. We're going to get him to do it. We're going to. I promise. I promise. I'll work very hard on it. Trust me. Really? Yeah, I will. Trust me. Because I want that to do one. We're going to get him to do it. We're going to. I promise. I promise. I'll work very hard on it. Trust me. Really?

Yeah, I will. Because I want that for my brother. I've been pushing for him. I want that. But moreover, what I want is, I want you to keep doing it. Really? Yeah, because I want to hear more stories. I will.

And I want, because I'm already doing better today. We need to do a show together so I can watch what you're doing. I want to do a live show with you. Let me work on my stuff. I don't have much. No, no. I want to watch it now. Andrew, I don't have much stuff.

I want to see it now. Well, you're not going to see much. I don't have, because all that dick stuff, I'm getting rid of that. Okay. The micro dick shit, I'm getting rid of it. All right. But when you're ready, I want to see it. Well, at an open mic, because I'm going to be doing these open mic.

I'll come. At the Ha Ha Club on a Sunday. Open mic. I'll come. I'll come to watch you. I'm not your brother, dude. I'll come.

But I'm trying to work through, I'm trying to figure it out. I want to see it. But at least in my defense, I'm writing my own shit. That's all that matters. I'm really trying to think of shit and I'm writing,

I have these note cards. I'm writing, dude, I look like a madman. If you go to my apartment, I have all these jotting down shit And I'm writing I have these note cards I'm writing Dude I look like a madman If you go to my apartment I have all these jotting down notes I want to see it Well I don't have

It hasn't formulated yet It's going to come And I'm going to watch it When does that happen? You tell me No no When does it happen When you have an idea

You tell me No no no I'm talking On general terms I'm asking you too But there is no way I'm asking you too Some people

Me personally It's I Over, some things it takes a week to formulate a great joke that I've had an idea for. Sometimes I'll write something down and I won't come back to it for a couple months, sometimes a year. And I'll look back and I'll say, oh my God, that note, that reminded me of something else. And I put it into something new. So it might be that's a process in itself. Like rearranging this with this so if you say it this way correct if you pause here oh yeah then you say it like this then that might work yep so the initial idea is just like the tip of the iceberg that's just the tip of the iceberg that's

right just the idea because i was going to the grocery store last night and i because i was kind of like processing what happened this whole week not not just the show, but all the podcasts I've been doing and my life and where I'm at in life. And I got hit with this. I don't know where it came from, but I'm like thinking about like how am I can present like new bits or ideas. And I thought of something and I'm like, oh, that came out of nowhere. What was it? I don't want to say quite yet. Don't say it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want to say it quite yet. Save it for when you're on stage Yeah but it hit me Like me walking to the grocery store And I went home and I was writing it down I'm like okay that's That's a different way to present it

That might be the missing point Because I tried it saying it a certain way And I'm like there's no But you'll keep trying to find it So would you say this whole thing is just searching the whole process of what you do what eric griffin does what bob and theo vaughn and brendan like all your your colleagues do is they're always searching we're kind of searching for the right way to make people find the things that we find funny or entertaining? What's the best way to package it

so they find it as funny or entertaining as I do? Can I confess something? Yeah. That you jerk off and like- No, no, I already dug myself a hole with that. Okay. I also went the dark side. Like when that happened,

I looked at them as like, oh, they're my enemies. Ooh. like, oh, they're my enemies. Ooh. Like, oh, they're conspiring against me. That's bad. Don't do that. No, no, no. This is a confession.

I mean, nothing happened because I don't think of this anymore. Right. But there's always the shadow part of you. Sure. The dark side. Sure. There's always that.

Sure. And I'm just acknowledging that that's there. It's there. I was going to like, you know, after you do something, you're like, oh, I should have said that. I could have said that. Like I did this whole thing in my head where I like went to individual audience members and just went on. You know, like I went like Virginia Tech.

I went Virginia Tech. Let me say something. I'm just being honest with you. I'm glad you didn't kill anybody. No, no, no, no. This was more metaphorically. Sure. Not like, I'm going to go get it oozy and do it.

Well, don't do that. No, no. I'm saying as far as the energy, like, oh, I'm going to show them. Yeah, but you didn't. I didn't. And you made it out alive. And you're going to do it again and again and again. People go see Steve.

Well, I don't know when my next show is. Well, we're going to look for you. All right, look. Did we have a good time? Do you think we got some? We did. We have a good time? We did, and I love you, and I appreciate it.

I love you too, buddy. I love you. So do me a favor. Look in that camera right there. Yeah, can I start plugging some stuff? Yeah, well, look in that camera right there, right? You're going to say, first you're going to do your plugs, and then you're going gonna say one word or one

phrase that's gonna end the episode that's how we do it so plug some stuff real fast okay so so watch scissor bros yeah go to youtube.com slash scissor bros come out january 8th for a live performance in jeffersonville pennsylvania at joel or Sol Joles. Go on my Instagrams, Instagram Q-U-A-N-G-O-U. I also have more of my music on Spotify. So if you go on Spotify and you type in Q-U-A-N-G-O-U, a lot of my albums will show up there. I also have my stuff on stevieweebybandcamp.com. If you go, I have my own podcast, youtube.com slash stevieweeby.

And I think that's about it. And one thing, I had a really good time today. I'm glad that I could be honest with you. And I'm realizing stuff that people talk about might be embarrassing to me, but if it could help someone, that's even better. So I guess that's the moral of whatever we discussed today. Because I didn't hold back. No, you didn't. Nothing was fabricated.

If you go to my apartment, I have evidence that I have a box of latex gloves. I appreciate you for the outlet and the platform for me to, you know what I mean? Because I know it's been a while. I haven't been here before, but I'm glad I showed up. And once, the thing about me is once I commit to something and I say my words, my words important. Your word is your bond. My words important. So look in there and say my word is my bond.

So, okay. So the last thing I want to say is my word is my bond. So, okay, so the last thing I want to say is, my word is my bond. Stay true to your words. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You are that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful.

You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no You owe me five dollars for the whiskey and seventy-five dollars for the horse. Gingers? Oh, hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers.