Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Tiffany Haddish

Episode Date: July 9, 2021

Santino sits down with Tiffany Haddish to chat about becoming Flo Jo, her middle name Cornelius, white people and their milk breath and we call Common. ORDER SOME MERCH!!! https://www.andrewsantinostore.com Join our Patreon : https://www.patreon.com/whiskeygingerpodcast SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS! HELLO FRESH Americas number one meal kit!!! Get delicious food sent to your front door ready to be cooked by you! https://www.hellofresh.com/14whiskey Get up to 14 free meals! SQUARESPACE - Help design your website today with amazing templates and the help of professionals https://squarespace.com/whiskey Use promo code WHISKEY for 10% off! BABBEL Learn a new language https://www.babbel.com/ Use promo code WHISKEY for an extra 3 months FREE! BETTERHELP - You deserve to feel better Get the help you need today from wherever you are http://betterhelp.com/whiskey for 10% OFF your first month Promo code: Whiskey Follow Santino on Insta and Twitter: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ https://twitter.com/CheetoSantino Whiskey Ginger Insta and Twitter: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeygingerpodcast/ & https://twitter.com/whiskeyginger_ Whiskey Ginger Clips: http://www.youtube.com/c/WhiskeyGingerPodcastClips Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What up, Whiskey Ginger fans? Welcome back to the show. Man, we got a good one for you today. An old friend of mine who I haven't seen in a long time, Miss Tiffany Haddish, who I love, who is a rocket ship of success, and I'm so happy that she came in to chat it up with me. Hey, right now, I'm in Houston this weekend. Come out and see me. We might be sold out, but check. Just go check online. I'm in Houston. Uh, right now, next week, I'm going to be in Madison, Wisconsin. Uh, then I'm going to be in Colusa up by Sacramento. Then I'm going to do Nashville. Then I'm going to do Boston. Then I'm doing, uh, I'm all over the place. What do you want me to say? I got a bunch of dates

coming up, uh, and Denver. I'm also doing Denver comedy works. I'm coming back. Um, we're going to announce all of the dates in one more week, I think. So get ready, baby. Andrew Santino.com is where you're going to go for tickets. Andrew Santino.com is where you go for tickets. If you're looking for more of this show, the Patreon is patreon.com slash whiskey ginger podcast. That's where I do solo episodes and all sorts of fun stuff takes place over there. Looking for merch. it's right down in the merch bar down below. Subscribe, please. We release every single Friday. Click the notification so you know, but you know if you know if you know.

But go to andrewsantino.com. Come see me live. We're on the road. We're back, baby. Enough rambling from me. Let's go to the episode. In here, we pour whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk. You're that creature in the ginger beard.

Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers. Yeah, you are a little famous.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on earth. I say that for all my guests, but I mean it once again today. And this is real because I haven't, this is a friend of mine for a very long time. It's Miss Tiffany Haddish. Hey. Hey. Is she still ready?

Is she still ready? She ready. She just waking up real good right now. Yeah, she's waking up. You came over here early. That's why we're not having anything to drink. It's early in the morning. Well. And you brought over two coconuts.

I brought two coconuts. Not one for me, by the way. Not one for you, no. These are both for me, because I like to drink living water. I'll put it behind your whiskey bottles. That's fine. Wait, why don't you? And maybe, maybe I'll have a little shot to clear my throat. Tiff, why don't you drink the ones that come in the... Because they're not what's the difference that water's not alive anymore who knows if this shit's alive how long has that been in there first of all as long as this if first if it's been in

there since it was born okay okay then every time it grows and grows and then once it's detached from the tree it's still alive in there okay because I got a lot of alive the water is alive where did you read this the internet mm-hmm and it's just common sense I've never heard this before live water living water okay so once it gets out of there and it goes in a box now it's dead pretty much cuz it's not in its casing where it was being kept alive I know but they cut off the neck they cut off the net but it's still drinking the still it's still You're drinking the skull It's still growing It's still getting

Harder and harder So when like It's like when you cut A chicken's head off And it keeps running That's the same idea Well yeah A coconut still is growing

And once you put it In the ground Right Once it gets a little dirt A little sand on it Then what does it do Turn into a tree It's alive

Sometimes This is a seed And it's alive Well it's kind of dead Now that I put a hole in it. Yeah, it's dead. And they shaved its body. But it still can be put in the ground and grow. So you scalped it, and now you're drinking it.

We just cleaned it. You're not like vegan or anything, though, are you? No, but I was for 30 days. Like, you know, occasionally. I did that. I did that 30. I did no booze for 30. I did no meat for 30. I didn't like it. I didn't like it either. I don't like that. I did that 30. I did no booze for 30. I did no meat for 30.

I didn't like it. I didn't like it either. I don't like that. I don't mind the no booze for 30. That was okay. That's okay. The no meat. What's your favorite?

What meat can't you live without? I could live without any meat. I could live without meat. But my parasites, they love brisket. What do you mean? You have parasites inside your body? We all have parasites. I know, but your parasites?

Or bacterias. Bacterias. Yes, my bacterias and or parasites love brisket. Brisket is your go-to? Which one? What do you mean, which one? Like who? Who do you go to?

To get brisket? Yeah. Do you go to blood sows? I make? Who do you go to? To get brisket? Yeah. Do you go to blood sows? I make it myself. You don't go to get brisket. You make it at your house. You have a smoker at the house? I got a smoker.

I got a trigger. Thanks for the invite. You're welcome. Thanks for the invite. First of all, I never invite nobody when I make brisket because I want to eat it all. So you make pounds of brisket just for you? 15 pounds of brisket. For you?

For me. And I put it in the freezer. When I can't eat, I freeze. Really? Yes. And you just eat it for weeks? Yeah. Why don't you just have a party?

Because then people are going to be wanting me to do that all the time. I guess that's true. I guess you don't want to do for others because then they expect it's like feeding pigeons. No, I do do for others. No, with that. Yeah. Because then they'll come over to the house over and over and over again. And my house is like my safe place.

It's your sanctuary? It's like my safe place next to the stage. Yeah, the stage in your house. Mm-hmm. I saw you for the first time in a long time. We went up at the factory. And Tiff and I have known each other for... Oh, since I was married.

Maybe 13 years? Mm-hmm. 14 years? Mm-hmm. You were married back then. Mm-hmm. To an old white dude. No, I wasn't.

In my mind, it was. In my mind, it was an old, fat, white dude. Oh, it might have been better Who had like a lazy eye No you were married How long were you married when we met? When we met I probably was only married like two and a half years And you told me you should have married me

Yep Back then we should have got married Yep It never happened Never happened I got divorced I was single I tried you

And now it's too late It's over Now I'm married. Are you engaged? No. Are you in a relationship? Yes. Are you happy? Yes.

You are? Yes. Do you live together? No. That's what keeps you happy? Yes. Once you move in, it's over. Really?

Why do we have to move in just because I'm in love with somebody? Well, because you want to be closer to them. See, I have... Don't you miss appointment sex, though? Isn't it nice to call someone and text and be like, I can't wait to come over? You do that now. You don't have to worry about... No, I don't do that now.

What do you mean? Yes, you do. No, I don't. You don't text your boyfriend and say, where are you? I'm coming over. No. First of all, he's not my boyfriend. He's my man. Okay? I don't date boys. He's not my boyfriend. He's my man. Okay? I don't date boys. He's your man friend. He's my man.

Is that because we're too grown to say boyfriend anymore? I feel like boyfriend is just allows a male to act like immature and inappropriate and not be responsible for his actions. But you call him your man. You my man. Then he doesn't slip Well he might slip Because he's human But It's a little more Responsibility

And it's a better title Than Boy Boy Boyfriend It's not a good title You want to talk about Your boyfriend?

I'll talk about him Your man friend? My man Common You take a big sip Of life water. You want to hear a funny story about Common? I love Common.

You know I'm a Chicago kid. I can't wait for you to introduce me to him. I'm excited. It'll happen soon. I'm not going to press it. I do love Common. I've always loved Common. One time, though, I was on Sunset walking away from the store,

going to meet somebody at a bar and I saw him eating this was years ago he was on he was eating at Chin Chin the Chinese food place but he was eating by himself I wanted to go give him a hug so bad shut up he was not by I swear to god he looked so sad he was not by his just a big plate of fried rice by himself I swear to god I watched it happen not by himself just by himself he the person he was with it's probably in the restroom telling you I walked I was walking I saw him I said that It was by himself. The person he was with was probably in the restroom. I'm telling you, I walked, I was walking,

I saw him, I said, that's common. And I kept walking and he was eating Chinese food by himself. Text him, be like,

did you see Chinese food by yourself at Chin Chin? Let's just call his ass. Call his ass and find out. Because he just called me. Did he? Yeah. Trying to find out where you are?

Probably. Does he keep tabs on you? Do you guys share locations? Do you do that? No, I don't know how to do that. You can share your location, then he knows where you are at all times. Peace, babe.

Hey, I'm about to get into this workout, but I just got to tell you, man, I really don't... Okay, wait, hold up. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Can I ask you something? Can I ask you something? No. Have you ever eaten Chinese food by yourself? A chin chin?

A bowl of fried rice by yourself? Listen, I'm going to tell you this. Okay, wait. Because I'm on the radio. And they say that you had chin chins by yourself. You were sitting by yourself. And I'm talking, no, he don't go to places by himself and eat by himself. No, I don't remember that.

See? It wasn't him It was somebody you thought that looked like him Yeah I'm gonna call you back Bye It was somebody that looked like him Did you hear the pause?

He goes No No I don't remember that He's thinking about Chin Chin right now He don't eat at Chin Chin I'm telling you he was eating at Chin Chin No it was Common Couldn't have been anybody else Did you talk to him? Why would I talk to him? I don't know him I Chin. I'm telling you, he was eating at Chin Chin. No, it was Common. It couldn't have been anybody else.

Did you talk to him? Why would I talk to him? I don't know him. I'm not going to go up to go, hey, Common, you're at Chin Chin by yourself. No, I kept walking. I was like, that's Common. Why would I bother him? He doesn't know me.

I just kept it moving. What would I say to Common at Chin Chin eating Chinese by himself? What am I going to say? Tell me. Go ahead. Do it for me. I'm Common. I'm eating Chinese.

I'm your boyfriend. I'm your boyfriend. I'm your man friend. You're me. Hey, comment. I love what you do. Okay. I don't,

he doesn't need that. He would say, thanks. Okay. Thanks. He doesn't need that. He wants to continue on his day. I don't,

you know what? I know. I don't want to ever bother somebody eating. I know I hate food is the rule to me I hate when people bother me while I'm eating. Any other time is fine if somebody goes Tiff can I get a photo? Yeah, sure Tiff. What's up? I love you great, but if you're in the middle of a meal at a restaurant I just think it's not nice to bother somebody when they're eating food so I Saw your man eating Chinese food by himself and by by the way, Chinese is a shared meal.

Are you sure it was him? Because there's a lot of people that look like him. Is this one of those things that you think I think black people all look alike? No, but I have seen people that I thought it was him and it was not him. Your own man? Yeah. I knew it was him. I could tell.

Okay. His vibe, his essence was real. Okay then. Trust me, I know. All right. How long have you been together now? A year. Are you in I know. All right. How long have you been together now? A year. Are you in love?

I think so. You'd know by now. I don't necessarily know what in love is. Me neither. I've said that before. I don't really know. I feel like women are more in tune with that vibe than men are. Women can quickly be like, yes, I'm in love.

I think men don't really understand it. Like, well, yes, I care deeply for him. Yeah, sure. You love him. Maybe I am a man. You're a man? In a woman's body. Fine. You can be whatever you want. I think I'm a gay man in a woman's body. You think you're gay? You think you're a gay man? I'm pretty sure I'm a gay man. What's your name? My name is Tiffany. What's your gay man name? Steven. Steven. Where are you from? South Central Los Angeles. Is that where Steven's from?

Steven is from South Central Los Angeles. To be honest, I think in my past life I was a gay male choreographer named Raphael. Raphael?

Raphael. From South Central? No, he's from Cuba and he lived in New York and I choreographed many routines for the Cotton Club.

Seriously, Raphael? I really did. When did you get to New York? When I was 10. How did you get there? Were you a refugee? No, I wasn't a refugee. This is back when Cuba and America were talking.

Oh, when we were cool. Yeah, when we were cool. So you came through. You moved to New York. You started to dance in the streets. You got yelled at. I didn't start dancing in the streets, but I really gravitated towards dance. And I did some modern and ballet dancing. This is like 1930. 1930. And by 1940, I was choreographing dance routines for the Cotton Club. Wow. And I had many lovers.

Oh, you were? And I died. When did you die? When I was about 34. Oh, so young. Mm-hmm. How did you die? I can't quite remember, but I'm sure it has something to do with violence.

Something to do with being gay in the 60s? Well, yeah, in the 50s. In the 50s. What a deep past you had. And then I had a conversation with God. What did she say? Well, he said, you know, what do you want to do? You want to hang out here or what do you want to do?

And I said, no, I want to go back to earth. But this time when you send me back, can I be like, can I be a woman and get whatever I want? And God's like, well, you can't have whatever you want. You got to work for it. Well, of course. But can it just be like less issues with me being into guys? There it is. And God said, okay.

So he made you you. And then God said, there's going to be some things you need to do. What are you going to fulfill? What are you going to learn? And I was like, well, I'll learn whatever you want me to learn. But I just want to bring joy. Like, can I just bring joy? And God's like, you're going to learn a lot.

Good luck. You know you got to go through a lot of pain before you can bring joy. And you went through a lot of pain. Yeah. But look at you now. Raphael's journey was incredible. Now it came out as Tiff. Now I'm Tiffany Stephen.

Tiffany Stephen Haddish. Tiffany. Really? My middle name is Cornelius, my middle name is Cornelius. Your middle name is Cornelius, for real? Tiffany Sarah Cornelia Haddish. Why Cornelius? Named after my uncle who passed away before I was born. R.I.P.

R.I.P. Uncle Cornelius. Would you call him Nell? It was before I was born. Oh, you weren't even around. Mm-mm. Do you even know what he looks like? Yeah, there's pictures. Is he handsome?

Very. Yeah? Very handsome. So you're proud of being an Aenealius? Yes. Cornelius is great. Could a white guy be called Cornelius? There's a lot of white guys named Cornelius.

Get out. Where? You never met a white Cornelius, I know that. Yes, I have met a white Cornelius. I met one in New York, and I met two in Georgia. Full white? Fully white. Nothing else?

Whitey white. No culture sprinkled in there Cornelius Cornelius When you see me on the street what do I look like A Steve I don't look like Santino No A Steve

So you're really throwing me down I like the name Steve No you don't Yeah it is one of my favorite names No? Steve. Steve. So you're really throwing me down. Is this because we never dated? I like the name Steve. No, you don't. Yeah, it is one of my favorite names. If you had a boy, would you name him Steve? If I had a boy, I would name him Illuminate. Illuminate.

Illuminate, because I want him to light up a room when he steps in it, and everybody calls him Nate for short. Illuminate, call him Nate. What about the girl? Clarity. And everybody calls her? Itty. Claire. Call him Nate. Oof. What about the girl? Clarity. Hmm. And everybody calls her? Itty.

Claire. Oh, okay. Clarity. Illuminate. Illuminate is actually great. Clarity. Like, yell like you're a mother trying to get them downstairs. Clarity, come here right now.

I like that. What about illuminate? Illuminate. Does it go up at the end? Illuminate. I hope go up at the end? Illuminate! I hope you have boys and girls just to have that. Well, I'm gonna adopt some. Are you really?

Because of your life experience? For people that don't know, you grew up you were an orphan. I grew up in foster care. Foster care. Is that the right way to say it? Yeah, I don't know if orphan, what is like orphan, what exactly is that?

When your parents die? No, I don't think it's when they're dead. I think when you're a child without parent, right? When? Because I had parent. Well, without, that aren't raising. I had a parent and then I was taken from that parent. Okay, let's

see what the definition of orphan is. A child whose parents are dead. So they got to be dead for you to be an orphan. Right. They both were alive. All right, so you're not an orphan. You're a foster youth. Foster youth. Foster kid. What's a more pleasant way to say foster youth? Let's make up a new one. A wild child. No, because it's not your fault. No, but it means you're free. You were removed. No, you're not free. You're state property. Who owned you?

California? The state of California owned me. Wow. Yeah, you're state property. They decide where you sleep, who you live with. They decide everything. How many homes were you in? About four.

I remember when we first met and we talked a little bit about it. But you didn't used to talk about it a lot because you were on your grind and your focus was so present. But also, you know, I was just, I talked about it with certain, that people, I talked about it where it seemed like it was appropriate or with people who seemed like they wanted to hear about it. But as I got older, I realized, you know, and I've been volunteering at different group homes

and talking to different youth. And I realized that it's such a stigma around it. And it is something I think some people are ashamed of. And I think you should I think there's a certain level of pride there should that should be there for it. Because, first of all, every home you go into, you're valuable, right? You're valuable when you're when you're a foster youth or, because you're, first of all, they take you away from your parents because they want you to live and they feel like your parents aren't doing their job. Or maybe your parent ends up in jail,

or maybe your parents on drug, whatever. Parents aren't necessarily following through the way they're supposed to. Someone sees that you are not safe, and they come and get you, right? And then you live with these strangers, and every home that you go into, a check follows, right? They get paid for you to be there, so you're valuable. How much? It depends on how old you are and that county, that state, all that stuff. What is it usually? Do you know? I'm curious. I don't know because I'm not a foster parent. I wanted to be a foster parent, but they told me because I'm famous now that it would

not be a good look. In what way? Because the foster youth are temporary, right? They come into your home temporarily. Sometimes you can foster to adopt, but a lot of times it's temporary. They either go back to their parents or they move to another home. It depends on the courts and their safety of the child and all this stuff. The kid could move from your house to another place and be like, yeah, I used to live with Tiffany Haddish. And then whoever they're with could be like, oh, what did Tiffany do to you? Did she do this?

And make up stories. But you can't do it now because you're too famous. Too famous. That's your fault. It is. You earned all of it now because you're too famous. Too famous. That's your fault. It is. You earned all of it, so it's your fault. It is. So, you know, I started my foundation.

What's it called? She Ready Foundation, and I provide suitcases to foster youth because when I was moving around, it made me feel like garbage because all my clothes were in garbage bags. And it was very important to me to not feel that way. And I remember when someone gave me a suitcase, I no longer felt like garbage being passed around. I felt like a traveler, like I was on an adventure,

like I was a visitor, like I'm a person now, not necessarily garbage being brought here. Right. That's important. It's really important, I think, to the mental development, especially of a child when you're treated and feel like nothing's permanent. You keep being moved around. People treat you like trash, too.

I don't know why, because you're so valuable. You come in. I mean, a check comes with you. They get paid for you to be there. And they treat you a lot of times, they treat you really bad. I don't know why. Never physical, though. Physical abuse? there and they treat you a lot of times they treat you really bad no no no why never physical though physical abuse that happens you want to call them out I don't even remember those people's names let's find them I gotta take care of it

well that's my charity is finding the people that abuse foster kids and we beat them in the streets we stone them them. Who are you, Dexter? It's called Santino Stones. Santino Stones. Go to SantinoStones.net. We're beating up people who beat up kids in the streets. Who you going to beat up first, Cat Williams? Yes, motherfucker!

Do you talk to him? I haven't talked to him In a long time He's one of my favorites though He's But he's all good now right? I think he's I've heard I've heard that he's good now

Life is so wild For comedians And some guys It's an up and down All around Who knows Not for you It's been up and up

Your ascension has been incredible No it's been some downs Let me tell you something Let me give you my perspective Okay Cause you can't I know who you are Right I know Tiff old school. I know the old school Tiff. I've known you for so long. The first job we ever did together, I'll never forget. Me, Nikki, you know Nick,

my little sweet, my little sweetheart. And, oh, I'm trying to think of who else was, who else produced it with us. But we did it, we did, like, a hidden camera pilot, and you, Kirk Fox, I mean, there were some, like, really heavy hitters, but I remember watching you do that, and I was like, oh, she's gonna be fine, in a way that's, like, I just knew you were so good at your own thing, I was like, oh, yeah, she'll, some people you just know early on. You don't really know what level people are going to get to in our game. And what does it even mean anyway?

It doesn't mean anything. As long as they have a roof over their head and they're eating. Yeah, you decide your own level of success in your own mind anyway. But I did really know. And I'm not giving you a compliment out of placation because I've known you too long to placate you. Right. But I do think that it was impressive to watch you back then and know that your hustle was just as strong as your ability,

which is extremely rare. Most people, it's not that way. Most people have extremely high ability and usually low hustle. Maybe they don't want, they get in their own way. They don't want, they're self-destructive. Or the ability is quite low, but the hustle is remarkably high, which we see a lot. Yeah, I see that a lot. A lot, a lot. Which is impressive.

I'm like, okay. But it's impressive to me. It is. But you were matched. Your levels are very matched, which I always thought was impressive about you. Because when we met at the factory back in the day, you were grinding as hard as anybody in the game,

and the amount you would go up. Harder. Harder. But, I mean, we don't know what everybody's up to, but you would go up as much as anybody I knew, and I was always impressed by that, and I always knew you were going to float as high as you needed to float. Well, I would do three shows a night in L.A.,

which is, like, damn near impossible. You needed to float. Well, I was on some, I would do three shows a night in LA, which is like damn near impossible. You have to work. You have to work and I would be in my little Geo Metro. Oh, remember when I had that Corvette?

Oh my God, that Corvette was such a piece of shit, but I felt so cool in it. No, but it was fly. You were the only, first of all, you're the only female

I've ever known that owned a Corvette. Really? You're the only female I knew. But it was a 1998 Corvette. Yeah, it was sexy though. It was fly. It was a 98. How many miles were on it? When I bought it, it was I think 80,000 miles. I remember you said it was

almost 100,000 miles. Once I got rid of it, I think it was 200,000 miles. You drove that 100K? Yeah. Jesus Christ. I was driving it everywhere. Yeah, that was your day-to-day. Everywhere. And I would do a show in freaking Azusa and then drive all the way to Hollywood and do a show and then go to Pico and La Brea and do a show and try to slide in at the comedy store super late night. I tried to get four shows in the night I was on under the impression

and I still believe this is like the more the more you get on stage the stronger you get and I knew I wasn't the strongest comic but I knew if I put in the work I could become stronger well you did well yeah yes correct you did become stronger much stronger at the beginning you were good too it just it's different because you're young. You don't really feel it yet. Yeah, and I didn't really know what to talk about. I just talked about the things that I know, which is, you know, kind of inappropriate. But perfect your knowledge and talk about those things.

You were never that dirty, though. Well, maybe I wasn't that dirty, but... You weren't like... I wasn't disgusting. You never did shock comedy. You never said stuff so people would go, ooh, gross. You never did that.

No, I never did that. Never did that and don't want to do that. I kind of hate that because it's like, why gross everybody out? Just let's relate and laugh. In here, we pour whiskey. Are you looking to create a website? Huh? You're looking to design something. You want to sell a product online. You want to publish a content online. You want to blog. Whatever you want to make, Squarespace is the place. I use Squarespace to create my own site.

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I like gingers. Yeah, the whole point is to make them feel something and laugh. Great joy. Yeah, but I mean, look, that's some people's trick. Also, you know,

just like Kramer, you had a video go viral where you were calling that guy Cracker at the Laugh Factory. Remember that? Man, that was so awful that you did that. You were like, look at the Cracker. Look at the Cracker up there. That was your Kramer moment.

I'll never forget. I think you dreamed that. I did. Because I would never call a white man a Cracker. I call him a lot more horrible things. What's a racial epithet for whites? We don't have any. What would you call, what's a diss for whites?

Racist. Racist, that's the easiest one. White people hate when you call them racist. Yeah. Or broke. They hate when you call them broke. They hate when you call them pedophiles. Yeah.

They hate when you call them, that's why you were disowned from your family. Ooh, it's why daddy didn't love you. That's why you didn't get any inheritance. Oh, that hurts, ma'am. Nobody black would let you touch them with your penis. Oh! Yeah, I think those are the things that hurt them.

My first girlfriend was black. I know, you always tell me that. That's because whenever you wanted to date, I think those are the things that hurt them. My first girlfriend was black. I know, you always tell me that. That's because whenever you wanted to date, I thought, do I want to do this again? Was she that mean to you? She was so mean to me. You liked it. I did, kind of.

She was so mean. Why was she mean? She was bossy. Our black women aren't bossy. What'd you say? All? All black women are not bossy. Of course not. But I mean, she was bossy. Is your wife now bossy? Yeah. And she's black. You lying. No, I can't have someone. I don't know about the duality of your relationship, but I can't have someone... I see that in relationships a lot

where someone's like the control arm and is like... Not finger-pointing, but just... I don't like being told what to do by anybody. Okay? So I don't like that. So I don't like when people are like, we're going here.

I don't like that. I think it should be a mutual relationship. I like also being in control, so it's hard for me to have somebody telling me what to do. So when you're acting and the director is telling you. Never listen. I've never listened. Why would I listen to the director? But you're such a good actor.

No, that's not true. You are a great actor. No, I like taking directions from directors that have a vision. I'll do that. I'm saying I don't like authoritative, you'll get in trouble if you don't do this. Yeah, I hate that. I don't like that. I hate that.

I hate that. But it is hard to take notes from directors sometimes because sometimes there's directors that you don't agree with. And you're like. Yeah, well, that's when you have a conversation. And the same thing in a relationship. When someone's trying to dictate what's what, that's when you have a conversation. And you say, hey, look, I have feelings too. I'm a person just like you and like how you want me to do something that might not be comparable with my morals

and or my emotions. So let's talk about this and find a place where we can meet in the middle. Those are hard conversations to get to. Not for me, because I had a motherfucker super fast. As soon as I feel like a little stirring up in my heart, I'll be like, um, look, what you're saying, I know it resonates with you in a certain way, but for me, it's making me mad.

I'm feeling uncomfortable. What you want me to do is compromising my morals, my spirit, my something. It's not all in sync. So, no. And did you learn to do that? You didn't always do that. No, I used to just like try.

I used to, and this is probably why I'm not married no more. But I used to try my best to do what the other person wanted me to do. Right, you always, yeah. It made me so unhappy. That didn't bring me any joy. What's bringing you joy right now? Me. You're making yourself very happy.

I make myself very happy. Do you think it's because you live kind of as honest as you can with yourself? I'm blatantly honest with myself and with others as best as possible. Even when you know, are you too honest now sometimes when you say stuff and you're like, I didn't need to say it but Yeah I mean yeah Like I read some article Someone sent me some article

That you told Nicolas Cage That he gave you an orgasm Or something like that No Okay so my very first time Having an orgasm Was watching a Nicolas Cage And John Travolta movie

Face off Face off And it was my first time Being fingered And it was my first time being fingered and it was my first time having an orgasm and my eyes were closed and when i opened my eyes there was nicholas cage's eyes looking at my eyes and it was weird he's yeah yeah i mean it's an interesting thing to be burned into your mind we all have those things early on. Like, I'll never forget when I first started masturbating, the Beverly Hills Cop

was like top of my list favorite movies. And there's a song called The Heat Is On. The heat is on. So let me tell you something. That was going through my head when I was first jerking off because the song was stuck in my head.

And as I was coming, I was, The heat is on. Yeah. It's on the street. Was it hot? Yeah, it felt warm. Yeah. Yeah, it felt really warm.

That's why that was in your head. The heat is on. That really was in my head. Now it's Pavlovian. If you play that movie, I'll come in my pants right now. I love that film, man. Beverly Hills Cop was just such a... It was everything I wanted in my future. I was like, I want to do funny comedy movies like that.

That's what I wanted. I was like, I want to do... I want to do these movies that have these like great fun plot twists and character actors and that's why I loved all that stuff.

I miss that genre of film because we don't really, it's rare to get comedies made now. It's so hard because everyone's a superhero. Are you going to be a superhero? Have they asked you?

No, they haven't asked me but I've created something to be one. You want to talk about it or no? I mean, it's called Mystery Girl. It's a comic book that's been out for a while, quite a while. I watched Wonder Woman when it first came out and was like, why is there no black female superheroes? Like, we got villains, but we don't have superheroes,

and I want to be a superhero. So I went to a comic book store. I already read comic books as it is and just was looking for, you know, superhero females that are black, and there was only eight that I found. That's more than I thought. Pretty whack, except for Mystery Girl.

So Mystery Girl is your girl? Is my girl. Look her up. And you want to be her? whack, except for Mystery Girl. So Mystery Girl is your girl? Is my girl. Look her up. And you want to be her? I want to be Mystery Girl. And so I found some writers to put together a script. We sold the script. We got it where we really were the, you know, studio.

And I really love it. And it's going to be like my female version of Deadpool. Oh, this is great. You see her? Yeah, her vibe is cool. Short hair. Are you gonna have short hair like her? I have short hair. I know, but I mean, you know. It could grow. I mean, well, it's longer now because I got a wig on, but.

But this is gonna be, what's her vibe? What's Mystery Girl's thing? Mystery Girl can see what you've done, and she knows what you're going to do. Ooh. She solves mysteries. Oh.

I like this. Mystery Girl. You see it? It kind of looks like if Luenell and Leslie Jones had a baby. If who? Luenell and Leslie? It'd be me. Does she have a love interest?

Yes. Yes. You know what? I'm right here. You could be Coop. Coop is his name? Cooper. Wait, Coop.

I'm looking up Cooper now. They really want somebody really famous. They really like John Cena. Oh, okay. I'm like, hey, I just want somebody who can do comedy and act. Here I am, Tiff. And I'm not, like, creeped out by kissing. Okay, here's Cooper. I'm not creeped out by kissing.

But Cooper's a good-looking black dude with glasses. Is that Cooper? No. That's not him? This shows him in the comic book. But Cooper's her love interest. Is Cooper a superhero as well or no? No, he's a police officer.

And in the comic book. White guy. Yeah, and it is a white guy. I don't know why that Cooper is black. That Cooper was black. Well, that character was black, but it might have mistitled who it was. I think so. So Cooper is a white cop.

Hmm. She doesn't like cops. Oh, she defunds them. She doesn't defund them, but she's just not into the police. Right. Is it going to be like a... Because she can see all the things that they've done. But has Cooper been bad?

No, Cooper is actually a good cop. Good cop. Now, who's a bad cop? There's got to be a good cop. There's a few bad cops. All right, let me play the bad cop then. Let John is actually a good cop. Good cop. Now, who's a bad cop? There's got to be a good cop. There's a few bad cops. Alright, let me play the bad cop then. Let John Cena play the good cop. I'll play the bad cop. We'll see. I'll grow the mustache. We'll see. We'll see if John Cena

plays. We'll see how it goes. I think he said yes. I really want it to pan out to be really awesome and just, I want it to be funny and entertaining. If it, and however it, however the, whoever it rolls to, as long as they're funny and fun, entertaining. As long as you get to be mystery girl.

You know what? If I don't get to be mystery girl, that's okay, as long as there's a black female superhero. Right. What other black actresses do you think could be good superheroes alongside you? Taraji. Brisha Webb. Amber Stevens West.

Jada Pinkett Smith. Why don't you assemble like Avengers of black female superheroes? That could be a movie. What kind of superpowers would we have? Patience. You setting me up for jokes here or what? You know I am. You know I am.

What kind of superpowers could these... We could be really bossy you could be stern stern demanding demanding one of them one of them always it's funny that a that karen a karen a white karen thing always became a let me talk to your manager i worked in a restaurant for years it was just as many black women that were like let me talk to your fucking manager i don't know why i don't know why i became like a were like, let me talk to your fucking manager. I don't know why I became like a white girl. Like, let me talk to your manager. Karen is like, I worked in restaurants.

It was just as many black people like, let me talk to your fucking manager. Right. These wings are bullshit. Right. I worked at a 10 cent wing night in college. Everybody, everybody had demands. Everybody. I don't care what color they were, how old they were.

They all bitched. Right. Doesn't matter. These wings are shit. I'd say you paid 10 cents for them. Yeah, but they're nasty. The fuck you thought? They were 10 cents. Go to the grocery store. What the fuck did you think this was? This is a 10 cent wing

night, bro. I don't know what the superpowers would be for you seeing people's future and past is kind of cool. You have to have someone who's crazy strong. You have to have one that can just like break people or, you have to have somebody, you have to have one that has a physical power,

not just mental power too. Yeah. Well, she also has physical powers. She's strong as well. Yeah. Well, she can like get, see things and just do them. What do you mean? Visualizes them and then they happen?

Like she can see, pull up like a Bruce Lee video or something and she can do Bruce Lee shit. Oh, she can just watch. She accesses the Akashic Records and the internet. Damn. How old is Mystery Girl as a comic? Has this been around for a long time?

It's been around for like maybe 10 years. Really? Maybe 15. Maybe 8. I know nothing about comics. I think it was around 8 years when I found it.

I never read comics, man. 11. 11 years. Maybe. Not sure. Are you getting any time for yourself? No.

Because I can feel that you're so busy even from the outside. I'm tired. You got to be. I'm sleepy. You talking to kids all the time and stuff still? You doing that show? I want a facial. Yeah, that.

Well, we've re-wrapped. And I don't know if we're going to come back for season three or not. I'm hoping so. Yeah, I think my money's on yeah. Yeah. My money's on most likely you'll be talking to kids again. I'm hoping so. Do you like it?

I do like it. I don't know if we're going to do it again. Because say we're talking, one of the producers was saying that the network was complaining about how much it costs. It costs a lot of money to have kids on stage and talk to them? And I was like, well, how much did it cost? kids on stage and talk to them? And I was like, well, how much did it cost? And when they told me how much it cost, I'm like, they're complaining about that.

It's a very low cost. It's people on a stage. How can that be that much money? And it's not that much money. That seems like a very easy thing to produce. And I took a pay cut. Did you really? For season two.

Definitely not taking a pay cut for season three. We're getting that paper. So maybe. Give me the bag. Or they need to find somebody else that's willing to take a cut. Alright, I'll do it. You can do it. I need it. Are you good with talking with kids?

I love talking with kids because I think you speak to them like adults. That's how I do it. Yeah, and they say adult things back to you sometimes. Yeah. I love how kids, though, I love how little of a concept children have with money. That's the most fascinating thing because even as adults, we struggle with money. But you ask a kid about money, it's really funny. That's the one thing they have no idea.

They're like, yeah, I'll make a billion dollars tomorrow. Sure, maybe you will. Maybe you will. Who knows? As long as I make a million dollars a day, I'll be good. They need an opposite of that show that's, it's still with kids, but it's you being mean to kids.

I think you need someone else being mean to them, too. Because you're so nice and sweet when you're like, what kind of, what do you want to do when you grow up? You'll damage those kids forever. No, you let them, you check them reality. But, but bad kids. Yeah, put bad kids on there and then you, right, and they're like, I'm going to be an astronaut and you're like, you check them reality. But with bad kids. Yeah, put bad kids on there. And then you, right.

And they're like, I'm going to be an astronaut. And you're like, you're an idiot. You're never going to go to space. If they talk crazy to you, because sometimes the kids do talk very disrespectful. Do they? I'd be wanting to check them in a real, you know, kind of way. But I just tell them when they say like crazy things to me that is disrespectful, I say, watch your mouth. What do they say to you that's disrespectful?

They say some disrespect. I'm not going to repeat what they say. It's that bad, huh? And I go, watch your mouth. I'm not the same age as you. And I'm not afraid to hit kids. Yeah. And then they become so respectful.

Yes, Miss Tiffany. Excuse me, Miss Tiffany. I'm sorry, Miss Tiffany. Yeah, they to hit kids. Yeah. And then they become so respectful. Yes, Miss Tiffany. Excuse me, Miss Tiffany. I'm sorry, Miss Tiffany. Yeah, they better know better. Yeah. Or if they would keep jumping up and down, I'd be like, sit down. Or they like to hit the other kid,

jump up and go hit the other kid and then jump back into their seat. And like, I said, okay, do that again. Watch what's going to happen. So you have to babysit. I don't play games like that. We play, but we don't play like that. Sit down.

And they go, oh, okay. Miss Tiffany, I'm so sorry. I don't know. A lot of producers say that I'd be a really great mom. I think you would be a wonderful mother. Because I know how to invoke fear without putting my hands on them or saying mean things. Yeah. You do.

You have a good soul. That's why. But, but. But you will check them. I will cuss a kid. I'll be like, sit your motherfucking ass down before I punch you in your goddamn head. All right, we're back. Three, two.

Tiff, what's your Hebrew name? Tiffany. You didn't get a... Sarah. Sarah? It's my middle name? Tiffany. Sarah. Sarah? It's my middle name. No, it's not. Your middle name is Cornelius.

It's Tiffany Sarah Cornelia Haddish. Oh, I thought it was Cornelius. I was like, it's like Cornelius. I'm named after my uncle Cornelius. Yeah, but you said. The female version, Cornelia. Okay. So Sarah is your Hebrew name. Sarah.

And you found out you were Jewish? Yeah. You did like the blood test or whatever? I did the blood work. You sent your blood to the government? Sent my blood to a lab. And it's probably owned by the government. You know the government's all over that.

It's cool. They're going to make another Tiffany Haddish. Great. I have a lot of shit for this bitch to do. Give me her number. Get her over here. Run some errands for me, Tiff. In here, we pour whiskey.

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I need you to fold these clothes, wash these clothes. I want you to clean all the light fixtures. I want you to wipe down all the light switches, all the doorknobs. I need you to walk the dogs. I want you to water the garden, pull out the weeds. Then I need you to wash all the windows, clean the toilets in the upper rim part. Also, I need you to get my cars washed. And then I want you to show up and do this interview.

This one? This one. Oh, you didn't like coming to this one. I did like coming to this one. But I do like doing interviews. I just really have conversations with people. But you're tired. I'd much rather get a facial. I haven't had a facial in four months.

Is that a long time? Yeah, because the time before that was a whole year. I've never had one. That's why my face looks like a baseball mitt. But I'm good with it. This is I'm going to age ungracefully. Well, you're doing a good job with your aging. Well, I don't with it. This is I'm going to age ungracefully. Well, you're doing a good job with your aging. Well, I don't do anything.

Maybe that's the secret. Do you wash your face? Do I wash my face? What does that even mean? I wash my face with the same soap that I used to wash my ass. No. Do you really? You don't bar.

You don't bar. You use a bar of soap? Yeah. You do? Yeah. And a washcloth? Yeah. No thanks a bar of soap? Yeah. You do? Yeah. And a washcloth? Yeah. No thanks. Bar of soap, washcloth, first you do your face. Then you do your booty? You work your way

down. No. I don't use a washcloth. I don't use a washcloth. We never use, I know. Most whites don't use washcloths. And is that why when you're outside and it's raining, you smell a little bit like a wet dog? Yep.

That's why. Because you don't use a washcloth. I don't use a washcloth. That's why we smell like wet dogs in the rain. I don't know what movie it was but the Wayans

brothers they said white people all look alike and they smell like baloney. And it stood out. I thought they said it smelled like puppies. No, baloney. I could have sworn they said it smelled like puppies.

No. White people all look alike and they smell like baloney. Watch. No. I thought it was puppies. Watch. I'm going to tell you. White people all look alike and they smell like baloney.

Watch. The line will come up white people all look alike and they smell like baloney Watch the line will come up White people look alike. Well, so this guy says white people smell like wet dog and baloney. Ooh I guess what is said puppies wet puppies? Mm-hmm everyday races Why do why do people smell like wet white people smell like wet dogs? That's so interesting that you think we smell like wet dogs. I don't think you smell like wet dogs, but that's what I've heard. And I've dated white guys before, and they didn't smell like wet dog to me. But also, never was really around them when they were wet, so I don't know.

It was from Mo Money, by the way. Yeah, but I could have sworn they said wet puppies. I've heard a lot of black people say it. I think white people's breath smells like milk. White people's breath smells like milk? Smells like milk.

And the older they are, the older the milk. And that's what I believe. What does yours smell like? Probably breath. What does breath smell like then? If white people's breath smells like milk, black people's breath smells like?

Chocolate milk. Chocolate milk. I don't know. Your strawberry milk. My breath probably smells like coconuts. The idea that your breath smells like milk Makes me nauseous It makes me nauseous

When a guy's breath smells like Older milk And he's trying to kiss me Quite gross Have you ever been on a date With a guy that you liked a lot But you couldn't handle his breath? Yes

It was just tragic? Yes, and I said something I'm like, please eat this lemon The rind and all Eat it whole? Because I think you have a dead tooth Oh, gross And they're like, what?

I don't have a dead tooth I'm like, I'm sure you have a dead tooth I think you do I can smell it I can stink it From over here That's nasty I want to fuck you, but I can't

I feel like if I let you go down on me, I'm going to get... I'm going to stick. I'm going to get bacterial vaginosis because you have halitosis. Halitosis. Bacterial vaginosis. Halitosis is bacterial vaginosis of the mouth. Yeah. Nasty.

Because there's bacteria that's growing. That's nasty. In your fucking mouth. That's nasty. It's gross. In your fucking mouth. That's nasty. It's gross. So you never hooked up with that guy? I did. Hmm.

Later. Once he went to the dentist, he was like, oh, my God, I had three cavities. I was like, I knew it. Yeah, we knew. We could smell it. I smelled it. Let me smell your breath now. Wait, I don't want to deter.

I want to know. So your Hebrew name is Sarah. The Jewish thing is wild to me. What percentage Jewish are you? Like 15. Crazy. What am I? I don't know.

Like I'm not sending my blood in. I'm 100% Irish and Italian. There's no, it's sad. Are you sure? Because I feel like you got some black in you. I might. If you got Italian, you probably got some black. What percentage of black?

You probably have some sort of African. What percentage of black do you think I have? Probably five to ten. Is that enough to say the N-word? No. How much is enough? Your direct parent. I got to have a parent.

Yeah. What about like Rachel Dolezal? Yeah, she's not okay to say it. I bet you she probably doesn't. She doesn't? I don't think so. I doubt it. I think so.

You think I'm 10 to 15% black? We got to look it up. I should send it in just for you. Yeah, you should. Just to find out. I'm probably just full. I mean, the freckles alone tells me that you have something. Oh, really?

You have melanin. That's a little bit of melanin. Maybe you got some Moroccan or something. That melanin is like when you take paint, that's like a little bit of melanin. I got a little bit of artist melanin on my skin. Yeah, it's like maybe 100, 200 years ago, maybe a great-great- great grandpa went up to Italy. Got it in.

Got in and got it out. Sicily, actually, is where I'm from. Sicily. Do you know about Sicilians? Sicilians really love that dark meat. We do. It's even closer than that. Have you been to Sicily? Stunning. It's beautiful. Have you been? Oh, my Mm-mm. Stunning.

It's beautiful. Have you been? Oh, my God. Yeah, it's one of my favorite places. Where have you not gone yet that you need to go before you die? Fiji. Same. Let's go together.

Papiete. I don't know where that is. Next to Fiji. Oh, we'll go there, too. I haven't been to... I want to go to Tasmania. You do? Yeah.

To see them devils? Yeah. Just because all the cartoons. Like I remember when I went to Rancho Cucamonga, I was like so excited. Wait, why? Why? Because it was in a Disney cartoon. Disney cartoons, you know, they'd be like,

Try to Rancho Cucamonga. What is that?'d be like, try to do Rancho Cucamonga. What is that? I've never heard that before. Rancho Cucamonga? The only thing I know about Rancho Cucamonga is that they film next Friday. Right. And it's here in California. Yeah, east, way east.

Yeah. So when I went to Rancho Cucamonga for the first time, I was like, wow. This is it. They talked about this in a Disney cartoon. What Disney cartoon talked about it? Mickey Mouse talked about it with the train. He had a train. And he went to Rancho Cucamonga.

And the train was stopping in Rancho Cucamonga. The name is weird. Cucamonga? It just sounds funny, right? Yeah. Rancho Cucamonga. So you want to go to where before you die? I want to go to where before you die? But I've been there. I want to go to Tasmania.

I want to go to Papayete, Rarotonga, Fiji. I want to go to South Africa. I want to go to Ghana. I want to go to Nigeria. I want to go to Morocco. I want to go to Congo. I want to go to India. I want to go to Congo.

I want to go to India. I want to go to... I never want to go back to China, but I want to go back to Tokyo and Japan in general and go to more of Japan, like see more of it. I want to go to Russia. I want to go to Germany. And I want to go to Croatia where they make white people is what I was told. Is that where we're all from?

I went to Budapest, and it was the whitest thing I've ever seen in my whole life. Hungary? Yeah. And you went there, and that's where all the whites were? It was so many white people. That's where they are? I've never seen so many, and many white people. That's where they are. I've never seen so many and no black people. I saw all,

that's a lie. I saw four black people. What were their names? Three weeks. I don't know what their names were, but we definitely said hello to each other. Like hello, like we got to get out of here.

And then I had a stand in. I was shooting a movie there with Nicolas Cage and one of my stand in, I was like, where are all the black people? She said, we live three hours away. Nowhere near the whites. And I was like, why? That's just the way it's set up.

Set up? I said, okay. Huh. That seems a little sketch. It's set up. You guys live here. And she said, yeah, most of the black people that you see here are going to the university. And there's more on campus.

But as far as living in the city, no. Really? That's what she said. So how was working with Cage? Did you have fun with him? Yeah. With Nick Cage? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I had to tell him my experience for me to get so that I could focus and do my job. You needed to knock it out and go, look. Are you attracted to him still? No, I was never attracted to him. But you needed to knock that out of your mind. Because it was like how your eyes are looking at my eyes. And so we're doing a scene and his eyes are looking at my eyes and I just keep thinking, flashing back

to being, you know, in that movie theater with that guy, Ronald. And yeah. That feeling and it's just like, whoa. Shout out to Ronald. It's crazy. Getting fingered in the movie theater watching Face Off is pretty epic.

Have you ever had sex in a movie theater? No. That was as close as you got. That's as close as I got to having sex in a theater. That's pretty hot, though. How do you get fingered in a movie theater? Well, you wear... You got a blanket or something?

No, I was wearing a dress. Mm-hmm. And he just snuck... Like a skirt. And he was just sneaking around. Ronald was sneaking around. He wasn't sneaking. It wasn't like it was a whole bunch of people in a theater.

It was the, like, last movie of the night. Where was this at? It was in Hawthorne. The Hawthorne Movie Theater. And we was, yeah, it was the last movie of the night. It was sitting in that last row. The back of the movie theater. Mm-hmm.

That's how you do it. Mm-hmm. And we were you do it. Mm-hmm. And we were watching movies, started making out, and then he started, you know, fiddling about. Fiddling and diddling. And he was good enough, obviously, to make you orgasm while watching Face Off? Yeah, I thought I was peeing on myself. Oh, is that what you thought the first time?

That you were pissing? So did you get scared and lock up, or no, you let it ride? I just said, fuck it. Fuck it. I'm going to piss all over this movie theater if that's what has to happen. And my skirt will dry. At some point. But it wasn't like pee.

It wasn't a lot. Just a little bit. Just a little something. It's very moist. Shout out to AMC or whoever it was. Hawthorne Movie Theater. They're shut down now. Landmark Theaters.

Yeah, they're shut down. You should have saved that seat. That seat should be enshrined now as a piece of history the first time you nutted. I don't know. I don't know. The first time Tiff nutted. Are you working on stand-up at all or no? Mm-hmm.

You are? Are you working on a special? I don't know if it's... I mean, I guess aren't we you working on a special? I don't know if it's... I mean, I guess, aren't we always working on a special? I've been... I did a show last night

at Supernova. I did all new material. I was there. You were there last night? I did a late show. Did you do the early show? I did the late show. I said...

I said hello to you. Didn't I? No, that was two nights ago. Last night you were at Nova. Was Theo there? Yeah, Theo was there I went on it when Harlan, me, Jessamay I dipped

Oh, because when I got there Liza was on stage Yeah, it was about 15 comics on the show Yeah, it was a lot of comics Yeah, but it's great I'd rather do those shows I like the outdoor shows I'd rather do them than do one spot and then go home.

Yeah. But you said, aren't we all working on a special? No. I don't know if I really, I don't know what I want to do. I think, I just love touring live. But the special, the special gets you more, more pay at the live shows and bigger venues. Yeah, no, I know.

But I just don't know what I want to put down anymore. Jay Leno did an interview one time that I thought was really wild, that he was, they were like, how come you don't do a special, all your friends don't do specials? He's like, because I don't know. I don't really, a piece of me feels that way.

I'm like, I don't know if I need to cement anything. I love the, live comedy is the reason I do comedy. And like, if you can grow an audience through this or whatever, I don't know. Specials are really cement, though. That's cement. It's there. Forever.

Yeah, and it's dead. I like clay. I just want to keep playing with it for the rest of time. I don't ever want to put it in the kiln, maybe. Yeah. I mean, I get it. I like specials, though. I like, like, they're like time capsules you know yeah of where society is where that comic is in life specifically where you are in your part in

your life i mean that's where the most important thing is you yeah where i'm at you know where where what i'm what i've learned or gone through or my experiences up to that moment. You know, and sharing it. To me, a special is like a little mini book. Yeah, it's like a little diary for you. Yeah. And then when you're on your deathbed, you're like, play all my specials. I'm going to watch them before I go.

Yeah, and it's like watching highlights of my existence. What do you want to leave for the next generation? Some happiness. Just? In a grocery store. Hmm. What aisle? Maybe multitudes of grocery stores.

A lot of Vons? No, Diaspora groceries. What's Diaspora? Diaspora is a group of people that have been removed from their native land. The Diaspora. Mm-hmm. Diaspora. Diaspora, right. Yes. Diaspora is a group of people that have been removed from their native land. The diaspora. Mm-hmm. Diaspora. Diaspora, right.

Yes. Diaspora. Or diaspora. Diaspora. Diaspora. Diaspora. The people that are removed from their native land. What is that?

What language? And brought to America. Diaspora. The diaspora. You can't speak in a language, can you? Japanese? Yes. Yes. How did you learn Japanese? Pinsler's Japanese 101 from the library.

Are you serious? Yeah. How well versed are you in Japanese? I can watch any anime and understand what's going on. Get out. And I speak, I guess, like a first grader enough to get around Oh, you're saying that at their level of language. Yeah. Well because the Japanese is difficult. It's so hard to learn, right? Yeah, I think I think so. What did you just say to me when you said yes, I speak Japanese

Say it again. It sounds nice. Hi, new home. Got a school she like a Dimas guy. Hi, new home Yes, so yes, I understand Japanese. I like that they say hi all the time. Hi. Hi. Which is yes. Hi. Hi. Beautiful. Yes. Which is yes. Yes. Yes. Do you understand a little Japanese?

Beautiful. Japanese is Japanese. How do you say, I'm Tiffany Haddish, and I'm the busiest I've ever been? Japanese, Tiffany Haddish, busiest I've ever been. That's Japanese, busiest I've ever been. The Japanese Japanese. Busy as I've ever been. The Japanese don't have a word for busy. That's just life on the go. I love Tokyo too, man.

I went there. I want to go back to Japan so bad. I love it there. When I went to do comedy for the troops, I just fell in love with the soap operas and the game shows. Where did you go? I was in Tokyo. I was in, I think, Osaka.

I think we went to five military bases. Oh, my God. Who was it with? Air Force. USO? Yeah. And other comics or just you? It was other comics.

Yeah, this was back in 2006, 2007. So, like, you, was it Laugh Factory people? No, no Laugh Factory people. It was, like, first, it was Tony Woods. No, I love, yeah. And Curtis Arsenal. Hmm. And I think that was it to me.

That's it, just four of you. And then it was, then I went back and I went with Barbara Carlisle and Tina Kim. I don't know who that is. Good. Tina Kim? She's good. Tina Kim? Mm-hmm.

I don't know. She's still there. I have no idea. She never came back. I don't know. I don't really know. What if you fell in love with a troop and then you- That's what I was hoping.

You wanted to stay there, huh? I was hoping that would happen. That's why you learned Japanese. But I didn't meet anyone. Yeah. Also, those guys are busy. They're like baseball players, man. They're on the road.

I learned Japanese after I came back, though. I just fell in love with it. So you're well-versed enough. You can watch television in Japanese. I can understand it. TV. Yeah, I can understand it. That's wild.

I could speak German a little bit. Me too. Nein. Nein. Und. I could speak German a little bit. Me too. Nein. Nein. What is that? Wheelchair. Yeah, U-stuhl. Wheelchair.

Yeah. Schwanz. You know what that is? Wanz. Schwanz. You want a little shower? Schwanz is penis. Schwanz.

Sounds like something that would give you a little shower? Schwanz's penis. Schwanz. This sounds like something that would give you a little shower. Schwanz! Yeah. Schwanz? Meine Schwanz? That's my penis. It sounds funny. Meine Schwanz? Oh, yeah. Suck on meine Schwanz.

Meine Schwanz. I think watching porn in other languages, I've seen a few, and it's really hard to... It's just weird when it's another language. I just... I don't even... When I watch porn, I don't even have the sound on. You don't ever have the sound on? No.

Why not? You don't want them to enter your mind. Just give me the visuals. I like to make up what's happening. Do you ever watch porn with a partner? Yeah. You like that? No.

Oh, you don't like it? No. I think it's fun. Depends on the partner. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Depends on the person. But you put it on random. That's what I like.

Put it on random. Let the internet decide what you get to watch together. So what if it's like two guys? You're in. Because that's my favorite kind of porn. Two guys. Okay. Gay male porn.

That's always been your favorite? Why do you think that is? Because I'm a gay man. Raphael. In a black woman's body. That should be your next special. A gay man in a black woman's body. A gay Jewish man in a black woman's body that should be your next special a gay man in a black woman's body a gay Jewish man

in a black woman's body featuring John Cena let him bring you out a gay a a a a

a a a a a a a a

a a a a a a a a

a a a a a a a a

a a a a a a a a

a a a a a a a a

a a a a a a a a

a a a a a a a a

a a a a a a a a

a a a a a a a a a a a a a about what men need and want and like? Ah, that's very keen.

Men watch lesbian porn, but not for those reasons. Isn't that ironic? You watch to learn. I watch to learn and it kind of turns me on, but also like I learn a lot. You do. Yeah, like men, and then it makes me understand like why some guys that I used to hook up with were so rough. Aggressive. Like, really rough stuff. Sure. And want to be slapped and all that, and I'm not into that. I'm like, I'm a lover.

You mean? I'm like, I think I have, like, a hard exterior, like, out in the streets or whatever, conversation or whatever. But when it comes to, like, intimacy intimacy, I'm very like, you know. I think you've always been sweet and soft with me. You never came off as like a hard ass to me. A lot of guys say that they think I would break them and stuff. Not me. I don't know what it is.

Maybe I disarm you a little bit. Because whenever I'm with you, I never feel that. That's not who I am. No, you don't have that thing. But there are times when I'm drunk where I'll be like, give me this dick! And that's it! Stop being greedy!

Give me this dick, eat this pussy. Are you demanding like that? Yeah, you got to let them know. Yeah, I've learned that that doesn't work. That makes guys go soft. But a slap and push them down there, that works. Yeah. But not a hard one.

Just a little. A little crack. Yeah, but in this relationship I'm in now, that doesn't work at all. Well, he's type A, huh? What does that mean? what does that mean he's kind of like a type A's are like aggressive

proactive very like forward no no we're both soft you're both soft we're both soft and squishy really

yeah it's like that yeah I like it you do yeah I think you're in love whether you know it or like it. You do? Yeah. I think you're in love, whether you know it or like it. But love is a thing that comes and goes.

Is it? Yeah. So what about unconditional love? Does that come and go? No. Like for your brothers or sisters or parents or blood? I think blood love is different. I feel like that comes to ghost. I feel like that comes to ghost.

No, but it's, but it's always going to be there. You can fall out of love with a man that you love and then not really want to ever see or talk to them again. And I think with blood, there's something that draws you back to blood. I can have a, I can have a tumultuous relationship with my father. We may not talk for years. But there's something about blood that brings you back. I don't know what it is.

Maybe it's guilt. What about all the ex-boyfriends that try to come back to me? Is that because I had sex with them on my period? Exactly. It's blood. And it's the blood that brings them back? The blood that brings...

That's the other special. The blood that brings them back. Yeah. No, they want to come back because you're a magnet. They all try to come back. Even before I was famous, they all tried.

Because you're remarkably magnetic. You don't know this about yourself? are you are a magnetic person really people want to be around you you know the old phrase like girls want to sleep with them guys want to be them for you it's guys want to sleep with her girls want to be near her you're magnetic girls be trying to sleep with me too yeah well you're just because you just... And I'm not into that. That's because you're attractive. And I'm not into that. Yet. Well, because you like gay guy porn. Yeah.

But you don't like gay woman porn. I'm trying to watch. I'm like, ugh, gross. Nasty. Then why do you guys keep kissing? Y'all are kissing too much. Like, the fuck with all this... Is there any... Suck a titty already.

There's no kissing in gay male porn, huh? There's kissing in gay male porn, but not a lot. Not the same? I just... I'm not super heavy into a titty already. There's no kissing in gay male porn, huh? There's kissing in gay male porn, but not a lot. Not the same? I just, I'm not super heavy into a lot of kissing. But you like kissing in your real life, though. I do like kissing in my real, but not for no long period of time. If we're kissing for more than 30 seconds to a minute, fucking take my clothes off already. Let's go.

Stop fucking around. Speed it up. Stick around in my pussy. Let's go. Yeah. She's go. Stop fucking around. Speed it up! Stick around in my pussy. Let's go! Yeah, like... She's ready! Yeah. She's ready!

Yeah, I'm wet. Let's go. Do you have She Ready tattooed on you somewhere? No, I don't have any tattoos. God bless me neither. I don't have any tattoos. Um, cause I know I'm gonna get old and I don't want them to look bad. But I've been considering strongly getting EST 1979 right over the crack of my ass. Birth. You're a 79, baby.

Established. Wait, why over your booty? So when I decide to give my body to someone, they know how old it really is. Right, they know what they're dealing with here. This is not fresh bread. This is wine. It gets better with time. It should be a wine bottle by your booty. Since 1979.

Established since 1979. And you're like, what are the tannins? Tell me what I taste like. Tell me my age. That's my favorite. That's my favorite. Tastes like pe me my age. That's my favorite. That's my favorite. Tastes like peaches. Chocolate? Notes of nutmeg?

Do you drink wine? Sometimes. What's your drink of choice? Vodka. Oh, you like vodka? You like whiskey? You want to try a little sip? I will try a little sip, only because I feel like it will help clear my throat.

Why? Are you sick? I'm not sick, but I definitely feel like I had some dairy yesterday, so. This is pretty strong. Let's do this. Let's try this. A little something. You're going to open up a fresh bottle for me?

Are you kidding me? Come on, man. For me? Wait a minute. You had what yesterday? Some dairy. Oh, and you don't do dairy? Mm-mm. That's why your breath doesn't smell like white people.

Like milk. You want it on the rocks or straight up how it is? Straight up how it is. Okay, you say when. It's just going to be just a little snifter. When? Perfect, just a little love. Yeah, just a little bit.

This is some Rick House, baby. This is from the fine people over at Gold Bar. Gold Bar Bottle Company. Talk about opening up the sciences. Cheers. Look me in the face. Cheers. Success.

And prosperity. Love and abundance. And all the happiness and joy you can handle. Man, that's beautiful. All right, cheers. Cheers. Okay. Oh, you chugged it.

I'm sipping. That's good. You like the way that tastes? It tastes kind of like plastic. Good. That's what we wanted. And, like, the best cough medicine ever. Well, whiskey is good cough medicine.

My grandmother used to give it to my mom when she was, when they got sick or sore throat or their legs hurt or they couldn't sleep or they just wanted to get up in the morning or they didn't finish their meals or Are you okay? Have some coconut water. Oh!

Oh! My chest is burning. Is it hurt? It burns. Just suck down some coconut water. It's burning so bad. This stuff is good for you. It makes my nipples jump.

Your nipples get hard from whiskey? I guess so. I don't really drink whiskey. Well, we know now. We ought to call Common. Let him know what the secret is. It's not like they're hard. It's more like they're like...

Oh, they're nervous? Got them nervous titties? Got them jumpy titties? Go ahead, in and out. What did you do? What's going on? That's something you guys don't have to worry about. We have shrinkage.

You don't even have to worry about that. None of your genitalia goes inside of itself. It's already inside itself. That's what I'm saying. It's already inside. It's not like it falls out. Vaginas do fall out. With time and age. Right. But when you're down there, by that time, the wine is so aged that, you know. It's vinegar. Some people aren't drinking it anymore. It's vinegar now. Somebody will though. Someone's drinking. Somebody will. Some alcoholic.

What I have learned in life is no matter what you look like, no matter what disability, no matter what's going on, somebody will fuck you. Somebody will. Why do you say that? Because you've seen so many examples? Somebody will. There is somebody on this planet that will make you come. Well, or just have sex with you. Yeah.

Well, I hope to make you come, but somebody will. That's the hope. By the way, if you're out there and you're worried, Tiffany Haddish is giving the advice that somebody will fuck you. Somebody will. Somebody will. Somebody will. Whether it be for pay or play, somebody will. If you were single, would you ever hire a male escort?

If I was older, lonely, couldn't get a man, definitely. You'd do that, huh? I wouldn't even hire a male escort. I'd get someone homeless off the streets, clean them up, get them man. Definitely. You do that, huh? I wouldn't even hire Mellis Square. I'd get someone homeless off the streets, clean him up, get him tested, everything. Make sure he's clean. Put a roof over his head and be like, in order for you to be here, all you have to do is make me feel good. That's it? That's a pretty good gig for a homeless guy.

Clean him up good, you know, get him dentists, all that stuff. You're investing a lot of money into this person. To make me feel good. I wouldn't pay him, but I'd put a roof over his head. But what if he tries to take advantage of you? What do you mean? To rob you? Take my things?

Everything. Their things. Their things. I can get new things. You certainly can. Do you feel like people try to take advantage of you now? Yes. They do.

Always. The more famous you've gotten. Always. They try to take advantage of my kindness, of my friendship, of how much I care. Has that gotten worse as you've gotten more famous? Does that hurt your feelings? It does. Because I really care about people that I think are my friends. I really care about them, right? And I hate when they let somebody else

use them to get to me and they don't get something for it, right? Yeah. And I might not necessarily want to be involved with that person that they're letting. I don't, I just, nine times out of ten, don't even want to be involved. It hurts my feelings because it's like, they don't, I feel like they don't really value me. Right. You know? They value the idea of you. Yeah. That's painful.

Have you whittled people out of your life that do that to you? Yeah, they fall out. They move. They move. They go. Yeah, I slowly stop talking to them. I don't call. I don't, you know. I miss them a lot, too.

But I know that they're, like, the person that's like, yeah, I'm at the nail shop right now, and I heard them talking about your movie, and I told them you was my friend. Just say hi. Like, that kind of, like, I hate that. Yeah. just say hi like that that kind of like i hate that yeah i hate it because nine times out of ten i've answered the phone because i think something's going on or you know they're inviting me over dinner some just to talk and it's just to show off and that that kind of hurts it's nice but it's kind of hurts my feelings yeah i mean, but you know that that comes with this thing. Yeah, I know.

Of being as successful as you are. And then they get mad at me. Like, I have a friend that got mad at me because they saw me with some other friends on a boat, and they wanted me to go somewhere with them, but I couldn't because I already made the plans. Whose boat? It was a boat we rented. Somebody famous's boat? No. plans. Whose boat? It was a boat we rented.

Somebody famous's boat? No, no, but it was a boat we rented. It's just my regular friends. And they saw some of the pictures online and went hysterical on me and was like, you don't really want to be my friend. You just, cause you hang out with other people instead of hanging out with me and i'm like wait a minute um i've seen you more times than i've seen some of my own family members in the past three years uh when you needed help with certain things i showed up and helped like i did what i would want a friend to do for me and if you feel like i'm a bad friend then please dismiss yourself out of my life and they do, that person did for like a week and then called and apologized. But now I'm like burned.

Right. That stays with you. Because you see what the intention is, right? They want to be taking pictures and posting them online and like, yeah, I'm friends with Tiffany Haddish. Which is cool cool I guess but What's the most disingenuous thing that's happened to you in that regard of someone that you thought

was your friend but really turned out wasn't? It just happens a lot? It doesn't happen that much anymore because I just started only kind of really making my time exclusive to people I grew up with And people you care about, that care about you.

That I know genuinely care. These newcomers, these people, like, you know, I keep them at a distance, see you at the function, if it's worth me being at. It's funny because people like to think that people get famous, because you're very famous now And that people say you change But ironically I think most people change

Around the people that get famous That's exactly what it is But it's hard to explain that because a lot of people hear that and they go bullshit No they change They start acting super different And they put you on this fucking pedestal And it's like no I'm still right here eye to eye with you I'm the same person I'm the same person.

I'm the same person. Maybe everybody knows my name now. Maybe, yeah, I got this body of work or whatever, but I'm the same person. I'm still sensitive. I still like need a nap. I still like drinking vodka and dancing and all this. I'm still the same person, but it's like they start acting different. Oh, I said this to the people at the door, so we're gonna walk right in. Like, I don't mind standing in a fucking line. Mm-hmm. But people around you start to change for you.

It's interesting. But it happens also, there is a part of projection, right? I will give credit to the other side. There's a part of projection where when you get famous, you may think other people are treating you differently or, but it's also some of your insecurity or projection about your relationship with them. You told somebody that you thought I didn't like you or something anymore. You know who I'm talking about? Yes.

Why did you say that? Because I saw you and you didn't say hello. Where were we? We were at a party. Where? I can't remember exactly where, but it was a party. Was it Andre's house? Yes!

We said hi, you were in the kitchen eating. You were having a turkey leg. Do you not remember? Okay, I was high as fuck. You were high as fuck. So my perception might have been But you told our friend Our mutual friend

That you thought I didn't like you And I said, that's insane Yeah, because we used to talk on the phone all the time I know We used to hang out We used to go You would invite me places But you know why?

That we stopped? And then Because you got very busy and successful So a part of me goes I can't see Tiff as much. She's busy. But I do that out of respect. I don't want to bother you.

But I miss you. I miss you too. I miss my friends. Like, and so I think, I know you're right. But it's hard because we both play the card. I go, well, I don't want to fuck with Tiff because she's too busy. I don't want to bug her, annoy her. She's got shit going on.

But I had shit going on always. You're right. And I'll be like, yeah, I could come or let me make some time. Or when, what day is that? Okay. I'll figure it out. Just like with this, like, first of all, you were texting me about doing a podcast and I was just too busy. I was too busy. But then I ran into you and you were like yo you want to I was like hit me up Like I'm around and then yeah boom here. I am but but but the truth is you know I always loved you I think I think you thought I That's what I mean the perception thing. I think you also project you being all of us do this You're like oh well. He doesn't like me anymore, but it's also There's a piece of people on the other side, like me, that go,

I know Tiff has got the world on her shoulders right now. I don't want to be another. I need my friends, though. I know you do. Especially my comedy buddies. Well, this is a rebirth of us seeing each other again,

which I think is important. Because we always laugh together. Always. We always talk about some really cool stuff. He introduced me to one of our friends. I think he's getting married.

He had a baby. Mm-hmm. I'm so proud of him. Mm-hmm. Our connections run deep. Yeah. By the way, you were very high

at Eric's house. Yeah, I was. It was fun. I was. I thought a lot of people were mad at me at Eric's house. I'm like,

I'm like... See, you did that. You did that shit. But you know what? Also, at Eric's house, It's always chaos because it's always There's always some weird shit going on people are tripping on drugs. It's always such a fun Wild event somebody yelled at me at that thing and I can't remember who it was who I don't remember who it was but I just remember leaving there and feeling like I

Really run people the wrong way. That's not true. But that's the problem sometimes when you party. People get a little too fucked up. Yeah, I just smoked weed and I ate all the turkey. I came to the kitchen and you had a whole turkey leg and you were like, this is so delicious.

Yeah, I was in heaven. You were just sitting with the turkey. It was this big. I have a picture of it. I was in heaven. You were just sitting with a turkey. It was this big. I have a picture of it. Oh, you do? Because I was smoking weed. Yeah, you're smoking a joint eating a turkey leg. And eating a turkey leg.

And I hit the thing. I'm getting ready to take a bite, and smoke is coming out of my mouth all around the turkey leg. I was so hungry because I hadn't eaten for like two days no you told me you said I didn't even eat this morning and it was like

9.30 at night and you were just eating a turkey leg with smoke coming around yes I loved it and I ate all the sides like everything

anything that was there I was just eating eating eating he always puts some good shit together Eric and Party yeah he had a really great chef there

by the way I know you gotta go soon I wanna stay conscious just eating, eating, eating. He always put some good shit together. Eric and Party. Yeah, he had a really great chef there. By the way, I know you got to go soon. I want to stay conscious of your time. But you did great. Bad Trip was great. We were there after, we were at Andre's house after that whole thing got wrapped.

But you did a great job. Thank you. It was so fun. I mean, you've done a lot of great shit. I don't need to sit here and kiss your... Well, shit. I learned a lot from you when we was so fun. I mean, you've done a lot of great shit. I don't need to sit here and kiss your tushy. Well, shit, I learned a lot from you when we did that pilot. That pilot was wild. That never went anywhere.

No. There was a really excellent cut of it, and there was a really horrible cut of it. But working with you, I learned so much about just being in the moment, not worrying about what everybody thinks just having fun you were good at that keep it like super real and super grounded yeah and that's what i love about you i feel like every time i'm around you i grow a little bit and i and i learned how to learn how to be just comfortable in whatever situation we're in. You're very good at it. You were a chameleon when we did that show, and I thought it should have gone.

But you know what? Those motherfuckers were, I'm not going to name who did it, but they were sleeping on the talent that was over. Isn't that funny to think about? If some of those things had gone back then, it wouldn't get you where you are today. You'd be in a different place. So maybe it was good because you grew a different way. Everything happens the way it's supposed to. The tree went the other way.

Even if it feels horrible, it's the way it's supposed to be to get you where you need to be. Yeah. Just don't do too many drugs. That's why I only smoke weed and drink alcohol and that's it. I used to smoke

cigarettes. Cut that out. Yeah, you slice that out. Slice that out. Now, like I'm on body transformation mode. What does this mean? Getting ready for Flojo. I know. How fun. Right? I'm going to be an American hero. I remember when I read that. Hero, American hero.

What do you need to change? You're in wonderful shape. What do you mean, body transformation? Oh, well, have you seen pictures of Florence Griffin Joyner? Super strong. Yeah, she is. Muscles. Yeah, but don't take this the wrong way. Oh, well, have you seen pictures of Florence Griffin Joyner? Super strong. Yeah, she did. Muscles. Yeah, but don't take this the wrong way. You're never going to be Flojo.

You'll be Tiffany playing Flojo. But I can build my body. Oh, yeah, you can. Build your body to have the muscles, the abdominals, the booty, the thighs. So do you have a personal trainer doing this stuff with you? I'm working with Al Joyner. Are you serious? Oh. Are you guys, this sounds very like Hollywood, but are you filming this at all?

The workouts, yes. Yes. The transformation. I know that's sad. That's my instinct. But I'm like, if you're working with Al Joyner on doing this, I just feel like that transformation is important to document. And we're documenting it.

But then when you're done with all that, can you go back to being normal, sexy Tiffany? Yeah. Because I think the way you are is... And I'll be even, I'll be stronger physically. Yeah. Also mentally. The workouts really mentally take a toll on you. Of course.

Because your body and your mind are connected and you have to push, push, push. So I feel like once I get to where we need me to be, I'll be even stronger mentally and be able to handle even more and be able to do more for my community. And when I say my community, I mean like my neighborhood where I live,

but also my community of comedians. I'm a big supporter of all of us and always trying to figure out how to take us to the next level and make sure we're all working. I try my best. It's very hard for a black woman to do a lot of the things that I do. I cry a lot because I don't want to be labeled as the angry black woman because sometimes I have to throw. I fight. I fight for everything that I do. Nothing has been like, and here's this, Tiffany, and this is for you.

To get certain people jobs, to get people involved in projects, the fight. Yeah, you do. There's so many comedians that I love that I think are, like, such big stars that I want to see shine. And in order to put them in a position, like, the fights that I have with people, and it's like, you have to be strategic about it and smart about it because this is not my world. Right. Right? This is, I didn't build Hollywood. It's their world.

Yeah, nobody that looks like me built Hollywood, and they need to feel respected, but also you've got to challenge them. And sometimes I have to be just full-out disrespectful. That's a tough balance. It is. So hard. By the way, think about what it's like being an orange man.

It's probably a little easier. No. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. When was the last time you read a script and it said and the handsome redheaded guy

walked into the room? Never. Never. We're never depicted as these like... But you are very handsome. No. Yes.

No. Okay, you could say that but you're freaking hot. Okay, Tiff? You're one sexy ginger. That's my special. And ginger isn't even red. Well, I'm orange, but yeah.

You're not orange. This is orange. Red is the heart on your shirt. But you're in the red family. Sure, I'm in the red family. You're more auburn. More auburn, you think? Auburn.

More brown auburn. Well, now that I know that I've got some melanin in here, we're going to do my DNA and find out maybe I'm... You should do it. 23 and me. I'm black red.

I can hook you up. I know. I'm just afraid of sending in my blood. Why? Because I don't know. Well, first of all, you're not sending in your blood.

You're sending in saliva. Okay, my DNA. What? Did you commit some crimes? I killed a guy in 86. Okay, my DNA. What? Did you commit some crimes? I killed a guy in 86. You were fucking five. Okay. First of all, no, I just don't know if I want my DNA.

We'll do it. I'll do it for you. Are you scared that somebody in your family might get popped? I just don't know about why they, because you legally allow them to keep the DNA. Right. That scares me. Why? I don't know. why they, because you legally allow them to keep the DNA. Right. That scares me. Why? I don't know.

The unknown is what kills me. The unknown of having my DNA out there is weird. Why do they have it? But your DNA is out there every time you flush the toilet, every time you throw a bottle of water away. Like, you drank off that glass. Yeah, but I'm going to wash this the moment that we leave. Okay, but I could pull out a cotton swab real quick, swab that shit. What are you going to do with it?

I'll find out if you got a yeasty mouth. Shit. I promise I don't. I promise I don't. Perfect. Good luck with Flojo. Thank you. You're going to be amazing. Thank you. I'll be sitting in the

back row of the movie theater watching it getting fingered thinking about you. You're going to be amazing. Thank you. I'll be sitting in the back row of the movie theater watching it getting fingered, thinking about you. Look in that camera right there, and you're single right there. We end the episode with one word or one phrase. This is going to be Tiffany Haddish's one word or one phrase to end this episode. We do the same thing, so make it count. Go ahead when you're ready.

Success is heavy, so build yourself up. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You are that creature in the ginger field. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no.

This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers.