Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Tim Dillon

Episode Date: June 14, 2019

Santino sits down with Tim Dillon to talk about the vapidness of LA and the lizard people that inhabit it as well as moving to LA and Tim seeing through the political climate and also how much he loves ice cream. SEE ME LIVE!!! BRIDGEPORT, CT JUN 13-15 SAN DIEGO JUNE 21-23 LEXINGTON, KY JUL 11-13 SACRAMENTO, CA JUL 18-20 MONTREAL JUST FOR LAUGHS JUL 24-27 ST. LOUIS, MO AUG 1-3 TICKETS AT http://www.andrewsantino.com TIM DILLON INSTAGRAM: https://www.instagram.com/timjdillon/?hl=en TIM DILLON PODCAST: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tim-dillon-is-going-to-hell/id1135137367 Go to http://www.andrewsantino.com for all things Cheeto Follow me on instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ Follow me on twitter: http://twitter.com/cheetosantino/ For more info on the WHISKEY GINGER SIGN please check out the dope art of https://www.instagram.com/starlingear/?hl=en Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What's up, Whiskey Ginger fans? If you want to come see the Red Rocket live, come check me out. This weekend, I'm in Bridgeport, Connecticut at Stress Factory, June 13, 14, 15. Next weekend, I'm in La Jolla, San Diego, California at the Comedy Store, June 21, 22, 23. And then I will be in Lexington, Kentucky, Comedy Off-Broadway, July 11th, 12th, and 13th. Then I will be in Lexington, Kentucky, Comedy Off-Broadway, July 11th, 12th, and 13th. Then I will be in Sacramento, California, July 18th, 19th, 20th. Then I'll be in Montreal, Canada for Just for Laughs, doing two shows of my own on the 24th and the 25th. And then on the 26th, I'll be doing a Whiskey Ginger Live in Montreal. And then August 1st, 2nd, and 3rd, I'm in the St. Louis Helium in St. Louis, Missouri. Check it out at andrewsantino.com.

Spread the word, spread the love. Come check me out, baby. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You're that creature in the ginger beer. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are fugitive. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful.

You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on earth. I say that for all my guests, but I mean it once again today. It's Tim Dillon.

Look at this. Thank you so much. I appreciate it. Welcome to Los Angeles. I appreciate it. Thank you much I'm I think it's day seven what happened when you got here name the first thing that happened um you got a modeling contract told me to leave uh get the fuck out there was a group of people in West Hollywood who came to the house uh like Frankenstein and basically slammed on the door and said, no, nothing. I mean, everything here is boring. Yeah.

It's, you know, all these people that think like LA is evil. It's a pedophile cult. It's just that it's really just vapid and boring. Yeah. It's not this nefarious thing. It's just people just walking around eating poke bowls. A lot of poke bowls. Trying to figure it out.

Yeah, but there are a lot of like sex, child sex cults and stuff like that. Oh, yeah, I'm sure. You just got to know where to go. You got to know where to go. Yeah, you haven't been privy to that yet. I'm not privy to anything. Yeah, we'll get you around. I'm doing spots at the improv lab.

No, I do some main rooms. I'm doing some main room spots. I know it's tough. It's tough. In the beginning, it's tough. No, but you're not in the beginning. You came from a level in New York where you were already successful. Now you're kind of, oh oh LA makes people semi start over

you have to like semi start over even if you're successful somewhere else you come here and LA's like well I gotta start over in every way but New York would do that to us yeah well yeah to an extent I mean I think now with the podcast you can do whatever you're doing from anywhere yeah but I gotta make new friends I gotta make new you know how many friends do you think you need i just want people of large homes and pools i mean let me let me define friend in the way that i would like to define yeah please a friend to me does he have a pool you have a pool no no and that's why he's on probation uh a friend to me is somebody that you could really sink your teeth into and suck the blood and the marrow out of them right until you know it's it's no longer beneficial and then you have to move on

to another host i'm living right you're a parasite i'm living in a two million dollar home because a woman a friend of mine's family is dissolving her family's falling apart so i saw an opportunity there and i grabbed it that's well you're not are you an opportunist or you think that just you, that's genuinely what you want to do with your life is you just want to find people that are broken and you don't fix any of their problems. Do you make them worse? Come on, you can't, nobody's problems can get fixed. Not at all. Well, not really. No. So you go into this world knowing she's broken, you know, you're not helping, but you're getting exactly what you need. I know you're perfect for LA. I know that when the corpse is decomposing okay go yeah there's a whole host of people in the in the natural world that need to go and feed yeah do you know what i mean so i have to go

and feed on the corpse because it's the right thing to do it is it is actually morally correct it is morally correct to find opportunities in the pain of others. Okay, I get that. This is the reality. That's the reality of life. The reality of life is that if you're not doing that, you know. What are you doing? What are you doing?

What are your main goals and aspirations for stand-up in LA? I would like to start a small cult where I would decide who gets in. Would I get in? I don't know. You don't need it. You don't need it. You've got a wife and a home. I'm past the cult.

Yeah, you don't need it. No, no, no. I need people who are willing to go out and do things for me. Right. What's some of the things that people need to do for you? Punch Elizabeth Warren if I want them to. Got it. If I say go and get her, they get her.

I'm kidding. That's a joke and I'm a comedian. I'm a comedian. It's a joke. It's so funny that you have to justify what's a joke now. You can just throw her away if you don't want her to hear you. My whole thing is this. Here's the reality.

As much as I kid around about like I just like crazy people and the friend that I'm living in her house now is really, I had no idea when I met her a few years ago that I would live in her house. I just liked her because she was crazy. Yeah, she's a psycho. She's a psycho. Now, she acknowledges her psychosis, right? She's like, she knows she's nuts.

You know, yes. Yeah. This is the first line. This is one of the first lines that came out of her mouth which made me love her and I thought it was funny. She looked at me very earnestly over lunch

and she said, I feel horrible for Harvey Weinstein. And as soon as she said that, I go, I'm going to be friends with this woman forever. Yeah, probably.

I said, this is a person I'm going to take a journey into their life. Yeah. Because I, that's, to me,

to say that earnestly. You also feel bad for Harvey. Not, no, I don't feel bad for him you're bummed out i think we could have worked together you know what i mean like i feel like if there's any guy that would have gotten me yeah it's a bigger man he understands i don't i don't i i think what he did was wrong but no one you know i mean what he did to the, you know, women. But I mean, on an

artistic level, could me and Harvey have had a yeah, I mean. You could have worked together on some stuff. I think we would have had a great time. Yeah. Yeah, I get that. You know? I get that. Are you a Cosby denier? Do you feel like what Cosby did was any of that true or no?

No, it was true. All of it was true? A lot of it. Yeah. But I will tell you this. What about Michael? Michael Jackson? Yeah, or Jordan. Either one. A lot of the Michael Jackson was, I believe, true. You think a lot of the kid stuff was real?

Yeah. You think any of that stuff was real? Did he fuck kids? Yeah? Yeah. I don't know, dude. I got to tell you. A lot of conspiracies online about those guys looking for money.

I understand that, but I'm just going off of why a grown man would have an amusement park in his home and then sleep in a bed with kids. Let's talk about it. It's a bad sign. Interview me. I'm just a man who lives that same life. I'm not my good job. I'm just a rich guy. Okay.

Okay, so interview me. We're a little concerned. We're from the neighborhood. We're a little concerned about some of the goings on. I mean, we do appreciate the roller coaster. We do like it. Yeah, I thought you liked it, didn't you? You know, we do enjoy it, but a lot of the kids are having long stays.

I mean, it's not a camp technically, so we don't know what you're doing. Well, do you know that we are doing ice cream sandwiches tonight? All through the night, we're making homemade ice cream sandwiches. Really? Yeah, homemade. Like on cookies, like chipwiches? Yeah, we're baking the cookies, organic baked cookies from scratch, and then we're also making it on ice cream from scratch.

Interesting. All right, and so you just sleep with the kids? Well, I mean, we're up all night eating popcorn and ice cream sandwiches. Yeah, that's fine. I mean, that's, I don't have a huge problem with that. If they end up at the bottom of my bed when I'm sleeping, it's a slumber party. Well, I got to be honest. Now that you've explained it, I don't have a huge issue.

I just got to talk to my wife because you know them. I mean, they're irrational. I can't believe we let them out of the house. They're irrational. No, but there's a lot of dark stuff happening. And there's a lot of celebrities. There's a whole cottage industry of people that cater to the whims of celebrities and rich people so if like he wants to get injected with any drug some guy should i can't even i can't get medicine i need yeah but if he wants to get

injected with whatever killed him there's a doctor that shows up opens a bag and just starts because that's money i can't get a z-pack if if I have bronchitis. But if you're a millionaire in LA, somebody will show up and just start injecting you with whatever you want. Isn't that wonderful though? It's why I'm here. That's why we're all here. Are you, I can't mention his name.

This is so, I wish I could, but a friend of mine was approached by Kevin Spacey. I've had a friend who was approached by Kevin Spacey too. To go to Sting's house. He was like, do too. To go to Sting's house. He was like, do you want to go to Sting's house with me? Oh. What do you think happens there?

Give me the picture of what happens when you go to Sting's house with Kevin Spacey. I don't know. I mean, Sting is, I've never heard anything about Sting

and I've kind of. Really? I've done episodes on my podcast about human trafficking and we've talked about celebrities. Sting has never come up. No, no, no.

I talk a lot more about politicians. He has legal sex. Right. Isn't no, no. I talk a lot more about politicians. He has legal sex. Right. Isn't he into tantric sex? He loves tantric sex. He loves tantric sex. Yeah, so he's big into

going for hours and hours and hours. He's also a good-looking guy. He's talented. He probably has a little small penis. He loves cucking, too. Right. Big cucker. Big cucker.

So what is Spacey doing in that situation? That's why I want you to paint me the picture. I don't know. Yeah, I mean, I would— Give me the best guess. Hey, Tim, welcome.

I'm Sting's assistant. And I'm—who am I now? You're you, you cunt. Oh. Hey, Tim, welcome. I'm Sting's assistant. I'm Margo. Do you want to go to the back there by the pool?

Sure. What's going on back there? Is it like a Benihana night? No, it was. Yeah. Yeah, that was last night. Is that what's happening? back there is it is it uh is it like a benihana night no it it was yeah yeah that was last night what's happening tonight is chili's we're doing chili's night oh okay we have chili's catered in and uh and there's a there's just some people to meet back there some fun people yeah you want to remove your clothes real quick um keep your shoes on please keep your shoes on interesting shoes on okay we're like the opposite of most homes most people make you take off their

shoes we say get your dick out but leave your shoes on and and then just whoever wants my dick gets it oh pretty much yeah pretty much and we're not super concerned about like making everyone show their license no good yeah why because right i don't even know if you can drive everybody should just really experience life how old are you uh I'm 34. You're good. Yeah. I mean, you're a little old, but you're good. Yeah.

We'll take you. I would like to think Sting's not fucking kids. No, he doesn't fuck kids. I hope he's not fucking kids. I don't think Spacey fucks kids either. I think he hits on kids. No, I think he fucks kids.

You do? Well, he's hitting on them. What do you think? Maybe he's never landed one. How stupid are those kids? I mean, it's Kevin Spacey. No, if you're hitting on 15-year-olds, you're getting a certain portion of them.

Yeah, you are. If you're a famous dude. I mean, this is what's really evil. These guys prey on kids that are poor. Always poor. Underprivileged kids. Yeah, not like me, poor and fat. No.

Nobody does poor and fat? No, Spacey's not approaching poor fatties that's he's going to like good looking poor kids you were you poor as a kid no i was not i mean i grew up lower middle class we had an we had an in-ground pool i'd say that's middle yeah it's middle class that's nice we didn't in ground in ground pool is nice it was six feet i've said this before but you couldn't dive like with your pool I can't dive down no you'd die I have to dive out so I have to remember as I'm jumping into your pool

that I can't dive down that's right and that feeling to me that in mid-air feeling is poverty like that to me that feeling of just not letting myself

not letting the 300 pounds of myself cascade into whatever depths of the idea that I have to remember that to me is, is not where I want to be. No, you, I want to be in a situation where I can go as deep as I want. Yeah. What kind of wealth do you think you're going to acquire?

I think I will die with $30,000 in the bank. In total, that's it. In total. Yeah. No, I would like to make real money. Like a lot of money. I'd like a make real money. Like a lot of money? I'd like a lot of money. What in your brainstem is a lot of money? What goes, that's a lot of money, I'm good. If I look at my career as a comedian and I say to myself like a realistic projection

of by the end of my career, what could I have if I continue on my course? Yeah. Six billion dollars. Easy. Six to seven billion. Wow. If I just keep podcasting, we're gonna go twice a week, we'll do a Patreon. If I keep that up, I think six billion dollars easy six to seven billion if i just keep podcasting we're gonna go twice a week

we'll do a patreon if i keep that up i think six billion dollars how likely is it again i don't really know how money works or what it is let me so i could be wrong let's get a gauge i could be really wrong let's get a gauge yeah how much is it does a car cost great question so you really don't you know i'm kidding i know i know it all i mean no i don't know listen i mean if i could make if i could make seven figures a year that would be great that'd be hot yeah but i mean that that that that's a realistic now i look at houses in hancock park i look at you know 1.8 million dollar two million dollar little spanish terracotta homes and i go that's that's my fantasy that's your dream yeah it's no longer the bel-air mansion with gates

it's no longer the helipad and the palisades it's a two million dollar home in hancock park and freedom the freedom to do what i want yep podcast talk do whatever i want did you get a lot of shit for moving to la from all the new york people not really honestly was somebody did you get any flack from friends that were like don't go out to that i think bobby kelly called me he's like what do you think it's 1995 you gotta go get a deal. Dude, dude. Isn't that the pot calling the kettle black a little bit? Yeah. No.

You know what it is? It's, I think right now you guys have led the way in the podcasting world. Sure. To a point where I think the New York comics now are actually a little, they're quiet. Oh, yeah. They're kind of quiet. They're kind of not nearly, know because you guys and there's there's some fucking amazing comics in la there's some good comics used to be where people would be like new york is the home of stand-up it's like that's not i mean it's still where you get good

at stand-up yeah you get way stronger because you do more dude the amount of great comics in la i don't know everybody was and i came out here so much before i moved people thought i lived here yeah so you were here enough i was here enough i People thought I lived here. Yeah. You were here enough. I was here enough. I always liked it here. And I always knew that like, I think you just go where good things happen. So I'd come here. Good things would happen.

I would make videos that were funny because there's not as much stage time. So I would sit around my buddy, Ben, and we would sit around in a garage and we'd go, what could be funny? And we'd make these dumb videos and then we'd podcast. And I, you know, I think, so I just started coming back because good things were happening. And it felt good.

Yeah, and then my friend's family fell apart. I love that. It's so, it's so nice. It's so nice. It's so nice. Because you didn't know when it was going to happen. Right. I sat through so many awkward dinners.

I'm like, when is the breaking point? You know, when are we going to... Let's just fold it. And I would just sit there and just wait for it to disintegrate. But now it's kind of disintegrated and I found a place among the ruins. Home. You found home. Home.

In the ashes, in the ruins. That's so nice and sweet. That's truly the American dream. It really is the American dream. Wait for someone to shatter, fall apart. I feel bad. I'm not a total... I am moral in the extent that I feel bad a little bit. Yeah. For the children.

Why? Great question. And that's the one I can't answer. And that's why it doesn't really... That's how you know I've been living in LA for a while. Yeah, it doesn't upset me that much. Why? It doesn't upset me that much.

I feel bad because the little kid's like being taken out of his house, out of his... Yeah, I know. He goes out of his room. Bye. And he's like giving his cat a hug. He's like, I'm not going to see you for a while. It's like, come on. Dude, get out.

Enough. If you could have moved anywhere in LA, would you have moved to West Hollywood? I like the Palisades. Yeah. Are you okay with WeHo? I like that it's near the clubs. Yeah, that's why I lived there for so long. I like near the clubs.

Yeah. It's also, I thrive and feed off mental illness. That's everywhere. And I like that there's a lot of mental illness. Yeah. I might get sleepy

in Glendale or Eagle Rock. I like to walk outside and I'm just like... You want to be in the chaos. It's crazy all day, every day. Just the other day, I was getting a Poke Bowl.

Rolls-R's phantom pulls up yeah a woman on a phone there's little kids in the back she's screaming on the phone she just grabs his pokeballs and then gets back in the car and just speeds off and then for a few minutes i can just go what what what's what are they about what's that life when do those kids do coke 11 12 9 10 when do they start medicating? Because mommy's not really interested in being mommy. No. So that's the type of stuff where I'm attracted to like that dark stuff.

LA kind of nurtures that idea. A family friend said in junior high, for like us in junior junior high it was like a hand job was like whoa yeah now a blow job is a handshake were you popular in high school i guess yeah but like in a weird sense of like everybody knew me but i didn't i didn't have uh my group was like three people yeah so that's no that's okay that's not that wouldn't be a popular guy i don't know how to explain it i was popular but that but did you go to popular parties? I did. Were you in the popular prom limo? Yeah, I could if I wanted to.

But here, no, okay. But I chose not to a few times. I don't want to challenge you. Yeah. But this is starting to get very suspect. Well, you can. No, no, no. This whole idea of like, I could have if I wanted to.

No, here's what's weird. This is, I mean, let's be honest. That's like me being like, oh, sure, a six pack. I could have one if I wanted to. And it's like, maybe. I was. Maybe you could. I think I was.

I just am trying to be a little bit humble about it. Here's what I think. I won Mr. High School my senior year. Did you? Yeah. I was nominated for Homecoming King. I didn't win. They give it to a kid whose mother died, and the other kid's father died 9-11.

And then me. So cheap. So cheap. I'm the real winner. You have to have a dead parent to win? I'm the real winner because my parents are still alive. Thank you. My dad didn't die in a fake terrorist attack.

It never happened. So you won Mr. High School. Now, that isn't even a real thing. I just want to tell you that's not a real thing. It's not homecoming king. It is. It is. What retarded high school has Mr. High School?

Well, it was the name it's mr nnhs it was mr of mr mr n word wait what yeah mr n word n word high school and this was suburban chicago yeah and you were mr high school in senior year senior year i won mr high school yeah and you but you're not in the popular problem i was i just okay yes so then what so then why are you not admitting that because i disassociated with a lot of the popular groups. I just didn't really like being... This is so funny. We're really scratching the surface of a psychosis you have.

Yes. You're pretending that you're not popular. It's like people in LA pretend they're not rich. No, I was. But it was also like I didn't... Do you feel you didn't deserve it? Because I deserve my popularity. I earned it.

No, I didn't stay in touch with any of those people. They weren't... I wasn't really close with any of those people. That's what I mean. Because now they're probably very nice, normal, regular, boring people. They have their, I wasn't really close with any of those people. That's what I mean. Because now they're probably, they're probably very nice, normal, regular, boring people. They have their lives together. Yeah.

They have all those, yeah. But I mean like, even after, right after high school, I didn't stay with friends with anybody. I left Chicagoland. I moved west as fast as I could.

So like, I was bleeding to get out. Yeah. So I was like, I gotta get the fuck out of here. So you would reach the pinnacle of that environment. I just, no,

I just, I wanted to leave so bad. Yeah. They gave me the high school. I gave it back. I didn would reach the pinnacle of that environment. I just know. You were Mr. High School. You're like, I want out. Yeah. They gave me the high school. I gave it back. I didn't want it. I don't need that. Well, you need to.

Who wants that on your shoulders? Yeah. So I guess popular is a weird term. My school was fucking huge. It was like 4,000 people at my school. Me too. Are you me too-ing me right now? No, I'm just saying.

Don't me too me right now. Me too. I had all of those. Popularity. And you were popular in high school? In ninth grade, I was not. Tenth grade, I was not. Eleventh grade, I started to be.

And then in twelfth grade, I was nominated for Homecoming King. And I went to all the parties. I was in the limo, you know, the prom limo, the thing. I, you know, reached that apex of that high school bullshit. And I realized that that's very important in life. It's extremely important. It's important to be well-liked. Social intelligence is very important.

What fraternity were you in? There were no fratern Social intelligence is very important. What fraternity were you in? There were no fraternities in my high school. What fraternity were you in? There were literally no fraternities. What fraternity did you- I was in Zeta. No, but I was in Zeta before I went to high school. Junior Zeta in my town.

My town was a lot of druggies. Yeah. So I was into drugs early and often. What did you get into? I got into coke at 13, which I know a lot of people are like, no, you didn't, online. And I'm like, it ain't hard. No, yeah. Kids are doing it now.

Yeah. It's not a thing that doesn't happen. Did you get into hard shit? Well, I was doing, I did like cocaine and Vicodin, Percocet. Meth? I did Demerol a few times, a couple of morphine pills. Never meth. Loved my acid.

Loved my shroom. Special K. Ecstasy back in the day wasn't Molly. Consistent weed. Loved booze. Little gin martini never hurt anybody. When did it go away? 25.

Wow. 25, it all went away. What was the moment? I was a juror on a murder trial, and I was convicting a man of murder, torture, and rape. And I was sending him to jail for 150 years. That's not a realistic time scale. Nobody lives that long anymore. I know, but that's the way sentences are.

I don't understand it. Okay, well, it's the criminal justice system. I think it's ridiculous. It's very important. You should only be able to sentence someone for as long as they could actually live. But no, it's a ceremonial thing because you're sentenced on murder one and then you're sentenced on all the other things that you committed. I think murder should be a 10-year trial.

I'm a lawyer and a judge. Are you? No. 10 years, in and out. But I served on a trial. It's the same thing. Okay. So a 10-year trial. I'm a lawyer and a judge. Are you? No. 10 years, in and out. But I served on a trial. It's the same thing. Okay. So I was in this trial.

This is true. And the guy kind of liked me, this dude. He kind of liked—we had a kinship. He was like a chubby Spanish guy. And every now and then, I would be eating chips. The coroner would be like—and he stabbed her in each eye. And I'd be eating chips. And the judge would shoot me a look. And then I would just kind of go like this. I'd be like and he stabbed her in each eye and i'd be eating chips and the judge would

shoot me a look and then i would just kind of go like this i'd be like and then the fat defendant would be like you know it was fun we had a good rapport yeah and i dropped altoids once and i went all over the place and he just cackled like a madman and this is in the middle of hearing how he brutally brutally murdered uh the mother of his children to the point where the the the medical examiner's like we stopped we didn't know how we stopped at 60 how many times he stabbed yeah we stopped at 60 because the tissue damage was so much we couldn't tell how how many but it was boom boom boom and in the middle of that i dropped out toys he went all over the place and literally he went like this he went and I just realized I thought it was funny too

I was like me and him were laughing it was wildly inappropriate but during that trial when I sentenced him to rot in jail for the rest of his life yeah

because you definitely were like that's I've had fun with you but I do need to put you away for 100 years well he was guilty I think. I didn't really listen to a lot of the evidence, but it was like a lot of the other people were super into it every day.

I was kind of like floating in and out. Again, drunk. Yeah. And I said to myself, I'm like, I'm looking at this ADA, and she was a fucking beast. Now she's like the fucking whatever in Nassau County, like the DA or whatever. Yeah. And I was like, she gives this closing statement. And let me tell you, this thing was so good.

Like you talk about performance. You talk about somebody who was on that day. She got up. It was so good in the middle of it. He stood up and he goes, I didn't do this crime, which is like, I did it. You buddy. I did it. You did it.

I did it. But it was so good and so intense and so real. And I'm like, this bitch is meant to be doing exactly what she's doing yeah like this is she's fucking keyed in and i was also very jealous because everyone on the jury was like talking to her and usually they would listen to me during lunch but like this is was her she took over it was really big and i said i want to do something that I feel connected to. And I'm selling subprime mortgages in a strip mall in Long Island. And I'd always believed that was my destiny.

And it was a nice, fun thing. It was a good thing. It was camaraderie. There was a lot of people around. And I said to myself, I'm like, I want to do something like this chick is doing right and for me that was making people laugh but in order to do that i had to kind of sober up because every night after this trial me and my friend bud munster who's my friend's father coolest guy in the world how cool i got into two boating accidents with him that's how cool he was his son wouldn't get on the boat his son goes why are you getting on

the boat with him i'm like it's a lot of fun yeah we have a lot of fun and i was thrown one first accident thrown off into a marsh to an egret's nest these are big stalk like birds i'm in the marsh thrown off a boat going like 35 miles an hour you know bay. Dark. Just on. Fuck it. Next accident, we smash into the piling of a bridge. You hit a fucking bridge. We hit a bridge. I am thrown off the boat because the bridge is like five miles an hour. And he's going through a 30.

Mistake. And just bad. And then I get back on the boat. And my back is all scratched and bleeding because as I fell off the boat I scratched the side of the boat and then he just looked at me because you cannot hang out with me anymore and I said why and he goes

because I'm trying to kill myself and then it clicked it clicked I'm like oh and this was like towards the end of the murder trial because he had come to the he didn't work

he's never he didn't work he never worked and he would come to the murder trial every day Bud Bud would come every fucking day support you just to hang out and then we'd go to the bars in long island at night and just tell

people about the whole thing we were like you gotta see this um and uh but it all started to come together at that point in my life when he was like you can't hang out me and was like i'm trying to kill i'm trying to kill myself like that's what i'm just trying to do i'm trying to know that what did his son know that yeah that's why i didn't get on the boat i told the son that my son's like yeah that's why we don't get on the fucking boat with him you idiot and i'm like but he's fun are you still friends with his son yeah yeah son's doing great but him you don't talk to bud anymore i would but he's in georgia i love bud i mean bud was a fun guy. Fun guy. Could we call him? I don't know if he'll answer. I don't think he'll answer.

He's probably fucked up. He never answers. So Bud and this murder trial were the catalyst for you to get clean. Yeah, because I saw, I'm like, there's a real, we're heading to a bad place. Yeah. Because I was drinking every night, close to a bottle of vodka at night. By yourself? 25 years old.

I had a $600,000 house in Long Island that was rapidly foreclosing. I had mail, piles of mail. I was just throwing them in and out of the room. Yo, this. Yo, the county. $50,000 worth of taxes. I would just throw it.

Throw them. Just fucking bang a line. Do a fucking drink. You were living a Quentin Tarantino movie. Get in my... Yeah. Well, I mean, we tried to make this a show and no one bought it

so i mean a movie would be that's aspirational but yeah uh and then i get my chevy suburban i could barely afford to drive it was a 44 gallon tank gas was like four dollars at that point it was brutal this was 2009 2008 2009 heart of the financial crisis nightmare yeah and i said i'm gonna end up dead if i keep hanging out with these people with these people i'm living this life of people that want to die did you go broke oh yeah how broke i mean you zero i mean i didn't have money i mean i i was working and i had little money but you lost the house i lost the house. I lost the house. Cars, house, bank accounts. I went zero. I would say I went, yeah, I went zero because then I got into comedy and then I was like,

oh, I don't need money. And it kind of helps that I don't have a life. I don't have any credit. I have nothing. Right. I moved into a small room in New York City and the five-story walk-up fifth floor with two other comics and... Who were the comics?

Do we know who they are? No. Okay. Yes, but no Kevin Brennan yeah it was Kevin Brennan and Neil

and we lived together yeah that's so weird they got back together after all these years it was a real nightmare but that part of my life was like oh it's good

I don't have any fucking money but it was just I don't need it right I was like I was happy I was like I'm doing

comedy every night I'm living like a block from Times Square. And these people, this married couple would fight every night. And I would just, you know, just walk around Times Square. I talked to like hot dog guys. I talked to like halal guys. The halal guys are nice. I'd smoke cigarettes with them and talk to them and whatever, you know?

And then I would just, that's kind of how I got good at comedy because I was like, well, there's nothing else. I mean, the mortgage industry is over. I have no money, no credit. I have nothing. You collapsed. I collapsed. It was a total collapse. But it's perfect.

And that's what led you. It actually was perfect. So how old are you now? 26 at this age? Yeah, about that. Yeah, about 26. Wow, that's fucking incredible. That's like what you needed to get started.

Did you ever want to be a comedian? Well, I was a child actor from when I was six to when I was 12. That I know. I actually do know that because I've heard some of your stories. Yeah, so I mean. But did ever want to be a comedian? Well, I was a child actor from when I was six to when I was 12. That I know. I actually do know that because I've heard some of your stories. Yeah, so I mean... But did you want to be a comic?

I was always very funny. I liked certain types of comedy. Like, I was never a comedy nerd, but I loved Patrice O'Neill. I loved Bill Hicks. I would listen to ONA. Dead, dead. I would listen to Stern.

Alive. I would listen to all those guys. I would listen to political talk radio. I thought those guys were always very funny, even though they were wild. Who do you like now? As a comic or as just a radio person? Who do you like now as a comic? What comics are you like? I thought those guys were always very funny yeah they were wild who do you like now as a comic or is just a radio person who do you like now as a comic who what comics are you like i like those guys when i look like people that i'm genuinely very impressed by yes sebastian

menescalco puts on a broadway show yeah it's phenomenal yes he's a yeah he's a show watching him it's a broadway show yeah uh joy coco diaz amazing the best. You know. Cock suck off. I like Samore. Black comic. Samore? Samore. DC Improv. I don't know. I've seen the DC Improv.

Yeah. Well, because this industry cares about a certain type of black comic. Yeah. But Samore is one of the funniest people that you'll ever see. Well, I see. There's a lot. I'll say this. I'll defend LA and the fact that LA has a good black comedy scene.

Sure. And independently grown so significantly over the years. I got to tell you, like, D. Ray Davis started Mo' Better Mondays. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And D. Ray Davis got famous, famous in the stand-up world literally from cultivating his own show. So I know a bunch of – I know how New York, it's so much different. New York black and white comics are much more intermingled. Yeah. Out there, there is a white scene, a black so much different. New York black and white comics are much more intermingled.

Out there, there is a white scene, a black scene, and they cross. But the black scene out here is so strong. There's so many good black comics. So like last year, I was doing DC Improv. This year, I did The Big Room. Last year, I did The Little Room, and some more was in The Big Room. And you just watch somebody pack out every show, kill for an hour with no TV. The industry doesn't fuck with her at all.

And the stuff, dude, is funny. Yeah. Like it's brutally funny. Yeah. The industry likes a certain kind of black person. Yeah. 19. Yeah. Half white.

Yeah. Yes, queen. Perfect hair. Perfect hair. Yeah. Everything looks perfect. The name is like Gawujo Abagabi. They love Abagabis.

They love that. And that's who they go with. hair yeah everything looks perfect uh the name is like gowujo abogabee they love abogabee they love that and that's who they go with but go go with somebody who's 50 has seen life i should just say is funny yeah can make everyone laugh no good you know you know lunel you know lunel i love lunel okay lunel is another person that i think i've never not seen do well crush every single time yeah and she's somebody the industry does this thing where they're like she's great right and then you go yeah you should put her in some shit and they'd go well yeah yeah right they would have they have no you know they don't admit it love now yeah yamanika saunders yamanika saunders has been one of the funniest people yeah she's hysterical ever but she gets loved now because of yeah people pulled her into the system, helped her get more into the system. The business itself didn't do shit for her until she made them do shit for her.

And she's as deserving and as hardworking as you can say. Yeah, she's phenomenal. So I think what's interesting about L.A., just to bounce back, is I think L.A. does a great job with cultivating a good black comedy world. The unfortunate truth is the business itself just has this very obvious idea. Well, the business just likes milk toast. Kevin Hart. Mainstream.

Kevin Hart set the standard for a black idea of what the industry goes. We love this guy as a black comedian. That's what I mean. And Kevin Hart, I wouldn't even say

it's the black. I think he's just the standard of mainstream comedy. I wouldn't even say it's the black standard. I think it's just the standard for mainstream comedy. I wouldn't even say it's the black standard. I think it's just the standard for mainstream comedy that the industry feels

comfortable with. For the most mainstream commercialized comedy. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. But they love that he's black. That's my point.

Yeah. That's what I'm saying. It's a huge thing for a lot of guilty white liberals going to bed in their houses in the Santa Monica Canyon and they, you know,

but they've got 10,000 square foot homes but they're the good guys. They're the nice guys. They're the good guys. they're the good guys. They're the nice guys. They're the good guys. We're the good guys. They're the guys that are concerned about global warming, but not enough to sit next to me and row 18 of a Delta flight.

They're not that concerned. They're still hopping on a private jet. Right. They're still going to. It's a Tesla. Yeah. It's a Tesla. One of my favorite stories.

We were the day before I do rogue and I go, I go get a book to give him, a conspiracy book. I get it from people in the Palisades. They have an $8 million home in the Palisades. I open the door. It's two old people standing there. I go, what do you guys do? They go, we're activists. And it's like, are you really?

Are you really activists? Boy, that's paying well. That's really doing well yeah yeah so the money is there's a lot of cognitive dissonance in la between what it is and what people project they project that that's where you get that mainstream liberal kind of like we care about everybody but the reality is they don't this industry is essentially human trafficking yeah i mean it's built on the bodies of destroyed human beings and you can see them you could see them as they get out of their cars to sell real estate or to uh wait tables and they

they they they they're pensive and cat-like and they're they're always you know yeah and they they just look like uh and they smell like cigarettes and vicodin and they vicodin doesn't have a smell but it's kind of that chalky, chalk feel. And they're just hollowed out husks of human beings. And that's who the business is really built on, the failures, the demons. There's a great Broadway show right now called The Ferryman.

It just won a Tony for best play. It's really good. You probably don't see plays right. But it's good. I mean, you read books ever? You're a book guy? That's what I thought. Yeah. But by accident, ever you're a book guy that's what i thought yeah so but if you by accident if you're ever whatever if you have to do it but what if i'm in jail the

play right then i'll read a fucking book but there's this great quote from greek mythology where there's all there's like a thousand undead souls wandering the earth waiting for the ferryman to take them to hell they can't even get to hell or heaven they can't get anywhere they can't even get in the hades they're just undead wandering looking for the ferryman to take them to hell. They can't even get to hell or heaven. They can't get anywhere. They can't even get in the Hades. They're just undead, wandering, looking for the ferryman. And that's kind of what I feel about LA.

You just look at people. This is the undead. This is the undead. You look at them and then some of them are doing great. But then there's a lot of people here where it's like, oh, you're just waiting for someone to say, that's enough now.

That's enough. Somebody goes up to you as you're just serving a cappuccino to some businessman you're hoping he notices the shape of your face and yeah lets you do something i want you want to sit you want some old nice woman to come in and go hey hey honey and she's warm she smells like grandma and she says hey that's enough now why don't you come home and then they're skinny and you look at her and you go, grandma? And she takes you home and you eat biscuits in Georgia.

The end. But most people don't do that. Most people just fade away. They fade. They fade away. Are your parents still together? Well, my mother's a schizophrenic. Love that.

In a mental institution. And my father- Did you visit? Selfishly left. No, I'm kidding. Instead of moving in there with her. I do visit her once a week. In a mental institution. And my father selfishly left. No, I'm kidding. Instead of moving in there with her. I do visit her once a week, yeah. Once a week?

Yeah, when I'm in New York, yeah. Wow. Yeah. She's doing good. She is? Well, she's schizophrenic, but... So what? You talk to a lot of people in our business,

you go, she's only a little further than they are. You know what I mean? Yeah. There's a lot of people that we know, the end will not be good. The end will be in an institution where their day is planned for them. Yeah.

The end does not end with freedom for many of the people that we know. It ends in a very bad place where they are looking at the ceiling and looking at the ceiling and they're heavily drugged. I mean, like somebody will stand in a room and watch them take their medication and go did you really take it and they have to go

uh let's go like that to show that the pills are no longer in their mouth that is how it ends for many of our friends but for a few of them it'll be very they'll do well it'll be nice it'll be nice how are you gonna end i don't know i hope like that but also in a big house in bel-air i hope it's the best and worst of both worlds like i want it to be all and nothing yeah just 100 yeah i don't know what do you what do you consider yourself on the scale of an like honestly will you consider yourself a righty or a lefty what do you lean more politically yeah what do you lean more to interesting really genuinely be genuine i'm not a lefty no you're not not a lefty? What do you lean more to? Politically? Yeah, what do you lean more to? Interesting. Really? Genuinely? Be genuine.

I'm not a lefty. No, you're not. Not a lefty. But you're not really a righty. I don't know that I'm a righty. I think in a perfect world, I would be more of a righty. Yeah. Like if everything was, like if we could start over again.

Yeah. I believe in people having freedom. But at the end of the day, the system that we have now is kind of the worst of both worlds. Sure. Public and private, and they're intermingled. And I'm much more interested in the dark underbelly of dark money, of bribery, of corruption, of people that are compromised in a million different ways, institutionalized criminality. I mean, that's a shit that sometimes I've talked about on my show.

I think all of these people, even the presidents, are actors that are cast in these roles, and I think there are billionaire families and institutions and power factions behind them that are allowing them essentially to serve. They serve at the pleasure of these real power people and that if they ever go against them or if those people feel that they're not good for the overall picture they can get rid of them in many different

ways whether it's used to be murder they would just kill people like canadians they would kill martin luther uh now they just there's enough dirt on everybody to force people out with scandals the elliot spitzer's people like that. You could kind of, if you anger the wrong people, they could kind of just get rid of you. So I think that a lot of these conversations we have is like left, right. It's kind of like these are false choices.

Yes, they are. Because the reality is we're in a hell of a mess and we're not getting out. That's what I come to tell everyone. Sure. We're not getting out. It doesn't get better. No. Your thoughts not getting out. It doesn't get better. Your thoughts have no value.

It doesn't matter what you believe or what you say. None of that matters. We're past the peak of this empire. It will disintegrate. It will maybe slowly, like this, hopefully. Yeah. But, I mean, you know, there's never been an empire that had the military strength that we do in the financial position we're in which is 20 trillion in the hole but we still have the

biggest strongest military so that is interesting because that you go well at that point do you do you go oh what is a war needed something's needed uh but i don't know what'll happen but i i'm one of these people the problem with politics is you go out to lunch with people and they go if we just did this it would be okay

and you go no you know I don't think so you know I don't think so yeah I don't think if we just did this I'm not saying

you shouldn't do things like we should have healthcare we should have all that stuff but we are past peak we're overextended all over the world we're we've like we should have healthcare, we should have all that stuff. But we are past peak. We're overextended all over the world.

It's a 50-year orgy. We've got drunk on cheap credit and unsustainable foreign entanglements and wars. We've done crazy things. This doesn't turn around. I don't think- So what's the way out? War? No, there's no way.

I mean, the way out is the gates. The gates here. Put the gates up, privatize, take the water, take the air, and ignore the tents, which is what the people here do. You see, the rich have left the planet, literally and, you know, figuratively and maybe one day literally. They don't care anymore. The rich are no longer invested in this country running as a country. And this has been, I mean, private transportation, private schools, private this, private that, private communities, private firefighters. Kim Kardashian and them hired fucking private firefighters to go all over, you know, to go up in Calabasas.

They're uninterested in this running anymore. They're more interested in what their friends in London are doing, what their friends in the United Arab Emirates are doing. They don't give a fuck anymore. They're more interested in what their friends in London are doing, what their friends in the United Arab Emirates are doing. They don't give a fuck anymore. They don't care. It doesn't matter to them. Isn't that nice, though?

It's beautiful. I'm trying to get to there. I want to get to there. I'm trying to get to be one of those people who get to there. When you say private firefighters, everything.

Wonderful. I want that. Wonderful. I want that. I do that on a small level. We all do it. We all do it okay i have a guy that does my fucking lawn i have a guy that does my pool can i do those things sure okay i'm not i'm not gonna do those things i think you're trying to you're trying to make yourself sound a little bit i mean i'm talking about no i'm saying we do it at small scale and it only gets killing the fucking president if he fucks up

yeah you're talking about lawns. We're talking about what if Kennedy doesn't run? What if he doesn't run? That's what I'm talking about. I'm talking about oh, there's a journalist who got what?

He got tipped off? Well, we're going to hijack his car remotely and send him into a tree. I'm not talking about you got a pool guy. I love that you got a pool guy. I'm talking about

real operators. Blood, blood. When they're eating the steak, the blood drips out. They have the taste of blood. And they love the feeling of being able to just manipulate and control. And it is nice to have a lawn person. But I get it. We all do it on a small level.

We all fucking take shit on a small level. You do shit on a small level we all fucking take shit on a small level you do shit on a small he drove you here yeah okay it's true yeah

I don't have a license yeah but you could well I do yes suspended why you know I've never

gotten along with the New York State Department of Transportation. Whose fault do you think that is? I think it's both. I'm willing to take a little bit of the blame. But I think they have to also come to the table and understand

that yes, my license has been suspended 30 times. Yes, I have left the scene of accidents. Yes, I have not paid my tickets. Yes, I used to drive around in a Suburban with bald tires that would go all over the road and when I was pulled over, I have not paid my tickets. Yes, I used to drive around in a Suburban with bald tires that would go all over the road. And when I was pulled over, I had no license, no registration or insurance. And a cop said once, what are those?

And I said, how about none of the three? But I'm white. So he's like, you nut. And I left. And that taught me a lesson that being white matters. It's sad, but it does. And I would just kind of, but, so I got to pay them, I think, two grand. And then I'll be back in business.

Then you're good to go. Then I'm good to go. Two G's and you're out. Yeah, but I just, I should do it. It's just, I have the money.

I should just do it, but. Principal? No, I'm just Ubering. Yeah. I should do it. And I just borrow people's cars without a license.

And then if you get pulled over here, then you start a whole new system of downfall in California. Well, if I get pulled over here, you know like i like to be on my feet i like i'm good when the pressure's on yeah when the cameras are on i'm ready the camera's on right now you're good no if the cop pulled me over but i don't even i don't even wait what do you know why i pulled you over uh no sir i don't know well because you were speeding excessively and changing lanes without a signal can i see your license and registration?

Absolutely, sir. Let me see. I have my New York State. This is a non-driver ID. It's the same license number. You can go check it out. Now you go see it's suspended. Now you're back to the car. Hey. Hi. Your license is suspended. Wait a minute. Where? In New York. You're from New York?

I am. How long have you been living in Los Angeles? I've been living here a while, sir. I just maybe my mail is not going to the right location. Suspended? I can't believe this. This is suspended? Yeah.

I cannot believe this. So you don't have a California state driver's license? I don't have a California state driver's license. Do you have any kind of license to operate a vehicle at all? Well, I have one in New York, sir. I can operate a vehicle. It's suspended, so. I thought it was in good standing, but I have no way of knowing that, sir.

Wait a minute. I have no way of knowing that. Do you know Ray Kelly? Are you Ray Kellylly my father he's like wait that's your father that's my father oh chief of police ray kelly's my father here's what i'm gonna tell you to do right now here's what you're gonna do you're gonna get back in your car okay you're gonna shake my hand you're gonna get back in your fucking car and you're going to you're going to go home and you're going to say that you you met the son of one of the greatest civil servants that's ever lived. Okay?

You know what New York was doing before my father took it over? Okay? They were fucking corpses on the street. Okay? And you know what they're doing now? They got kids flying kites. That happened in the span of 15 years because of my father and a man named Rudolph Giuliani. So, sir?

Yeah. Are you a white man, sir? Yes. Okay, good. What I want you to do... Do you love this country? More than anything in the world. Do you love Donald Trump? More than anything in the world. That's right. So what I want you to do is I want you to see

who's an ally. We're allies. Okay? Because they're coming. And you know we're the first ones that are going to go. You're right. Straight white men. So what I want you to do is get back in that car and I want you to go home and kiss your wife and kid. You got a kid and a wife, sir? I got both, yeah. I want you to go home and kiss them and I want you to tell your wife and I want you to do is get back in that car and I want you to go home and kiss your wife and kid you got a kid and a wife sir? I got both yeah I want you to go home and kiss him

and I want you to you tell your wife and I want you to tell your kid that there are still good men in the world that realize that we're in a fight you're in that fight

aren't you sir? you bet your ass thank you Heil Hitler and then he leaves and gets back in his car and Ray Kelly's not my dad but you see

he got so caught up in it. See, he got... Do you know the one part that made the most sense to me? What? The Heil Hitler part. Life is really good. Yeah, I mean, life is good. Are you going to have babies soon? Yeah, I think so.

Wow. I want to try, too. That's going to be awesome. It's going to be fucking wild. Yeah. I mean, life is good. Are you going to have babies soon? Yeah, I think so. Wow. I want to try, too. That's going to be awesome. It's going to be fucking wild. Yeah. Would you ever want kids? Maybe. I don't fucking...

Who knows? Who cares? I'm so far away from... Well, that's the hardest part about Los Angeles. I'm living in a home right now because children's lives are being ruined. Yeah, but you don't have to care about other people's kids. I really don't believe in... I don't believe...

Their lives are not being ruined. I'm kidding around. They're rich. Here's kids. I really don't believe it. I don't believe. Their lives are not being ruined. I'm kidding around. They're rich. Here's the thing. Yeah. It's a lot better to be rich and in an emotionally unstable situation than to be poor and have everything be great. Yeah, that's 100% true.

It's 100% true. Well, because you grew up. Okay, so you grew up with okay money. A little bit. Then went poor on your own. Now you're back on your feet. Does your family support you at all or no? Never.

No, no, no. Not financially in the sense of you. They love my comedy. My dad loves it. Well, then that's great. family support you at all or no? Never. No, no, no. Not financially in the sense of you. They love my comedy. My dad loves it. Well, then that's great. That is support. What else do you need? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like I've never taken a dime from my parents. No. And I feel good about it. I mean, my stepmother, they just put a little cottage. She's like, you'll own this one day. I'm like, when? You'll live for another 40 years. Yeah, and you'll be dead before then.

I'll be dead before then. There's no doubt. So. No, you'll live a long time. You'll live a long life. I'm going to lose weight. You know why you'll live a long life? Honestly?

Yeah. And you can talk about that in a second. But being genuine, you're talking about like falling down kind of in your own purse. Yeah. Worst way. You're the most like, the reason I think you're so funny, truthfully. Yeah. Not to suck your dick, is you're the most clean minded version of yourself.

Like you're, nothing's holding you down. There's no crazy lies that you're fucking beholden to. There's no, like, life that you're lying to live, right? No. It's all honest. Yeah, you're all out. It's all legit. It's all legit.

I feel like when comics become all undone, that's when they get the most funny, when they're like, I don't give a fuck anymore. I'm going to give you all the shit. That's probably why you're actually happy now. Well, I also got to, like, I got to lose 50 pounds. Like, i smoke cigarettes occasionally in la now when i never

did that in new york ever you never smoked never but is it him uh no it's it's i smoked in new york when i was young when i was my early 20s but then i just quit for seven eight everybody smoked in the early fucking 20s right and now i'm in la and it's like cool nights and sometimes i have a cigarette it's like not good but what i want to do is get rid of that go back yeah you you like smoking at night right beautiful isn't it so nice it's the best nights and sometimes I have a cigarette and it's like not good. But what I want to do is get rid of that. Wait, go back. Yeah. You like smoking at night, right? Beautiful. Isn't it so nice? It's the best thing in the world.

I hate during the day. I could like actually not smoke all day and at night just start going crazy. It's so funny. As someone who doesn't smoke anymore, I smoke a little bit and nighttime is the only time

I want to sit outside and smoke and have just a little cocktail. I get exactly why people do it. It's a very conversational, like, hey, hey. Yes. You know who sucks?

You know what comic I don't? You know who I hope dies? Go. Tell me who. No. I don't want to. Hey, you want to lose 50 pounds is your goal. Is that a real one?

Well, I would like to use more than that, but I think 50 is a very definitive number that's very doable, and I have to do it. How? Well, I'm going to start. I've got to eat better, and I've got to start exercising. What does that mean, eat better? That's a vague term that people use all the time. I don't eat that bad.

Once you get to a certain level of weight, the problem is your body just sustains. Sure. I don't eat bowls. I don't eat the worst things in the world. You do love ice cream, though. Well, I haven't had bowls of ice cream. I don't eat the worst things in the world. You do love ice cream, though. Well, I haven't had it in a while. But you say you love it. I do love it.

It is the best food. Yeah. I mean, it's the best. That is the most satisfying food? There's nothing better. I can prove it. You give it to a one-year-old, and the one-year-old goes,

yeah, I'm in. Give it to a baby, just got on Earth, and goes, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You have to acquire a taste for everything else. steak lobster all that shit what's your vice um now that you got rid of addiction so to speak i know an addict yeah whatever what's your vice though what's the thing that you go i can't get away from this thing whether it's food a thing i think food

would be up there that is you know food's probably. What's the one thing that makes you fucking, that you're like, I feel bad every time I do it, but I love doing it? Murdering a dog. No, I think it's just like eating something that's wrong. What is wrong?

Eating something decadent and wrong. Deep fried. No, I actually don't like fried food. I'm not a huge fried food guy. So when you say decadent. Here's what I'll do. Here's what I'll do if I'm being really bad. Yeah, I actually don't like fried food. I'm not a huge fried food guy. So when you say... Here's what I'll do. Here's what I'll do if I'm being really bad.

Yeah, give me your bad boy. Let's go have a shellfish tower. Let's have a porterhouse, you know, lobster mac and cheese, corn creme brulee, a little creamed spinach, and let's finish it off with like, you know,

some homemade ice cream from a steakhouse and a big piece of chocolate cake or chocolate souffle or some no real suicide meal yeah a real problem yeah but but is it a real problem if i do and then taco bell every now and then i'll have taco bell which is dog shit yeah taco bell is very now you you say that i argue with rogan about it it's actually tasty dog shit it's tasty you're living in you're living in the literal one of the best places to get authentic,

good Mexican food. Good. I know that's an annoying cliche of Los Angeles. Did they come here legally? No. Okay. Thank God. No, I'm kidding.

Of course not. But you're telling me- You know they're building the wall out of Doritos, Locos, Tacos, shells. Do you not like Taco Bell as the taste? Absolutely not. To me, it tastes- I grew up with it, though.

Did you grow up with it? It's a nostalgia thing to me. I had it as a kid. It was a nostalgia, dude. Okay, but I'll give you another one. I had Domino's as a kid, but I think that tastes like shit. Oh, it doesn't. It tastes like shit.

It really doesn't. That's not good pizza. Domino's and Papa John's are good. Papa did nothing wrong. Papa did a lot wrong. Papa Don did wrong. But, you know, I do have a taste for some trashy food. Pizza Hut.

You're going to tell me Pizza Hut is not good? You know it isn't. The Hut? You know it's not good. The Hut? What's the most pretentious slice of pizza in New York that every New York cunt is like? Some black truffle thing. Yeah.

Some garbage. But no, from where? At the Mark Hotel. At the Mark Hotel, they have a black truffle pizza, which I actually love. Yeah. It's a restaurant that all the Real Housewives go to. Oh. It's like a John George restaurant, but it's really

good. Maybe it's Daniel Ballou. Who knows? I need to break. Late night, me and him will go to Bell at like 1.30. Yeah. Well, this skinny cunt can go to Bell. It doesn't matter. That's what's annoying. These skinny fucks can do that

shit. He can do anything he wants. He's never teetered on having a weight that's concerning ray every day that he gets a fast acting mysterious cancer yeah where he doesn't know where it's coming let's pick one where what would he get numb let's pick one i don't know i like a blood yeah blood blood cancer i like a blood cancer yeah and i don't know if it's because the theranos was elizabeth holmes i like the idea of just blood being like, fuck you. Blood feels like a real serpentine type of like. But, I mean, it is, who knows?

He's skinny. He's always been skinny. You know, I have problems. It's very tough. People at home don't know that aren't going to be watching. We're talking about a friend off camera now. And he is very good looking, skinny. Oh, he's an L.A. guy. When I bring camera now and he is very good looking skinny oh he's an

la guy when i bring him into parties he's good looking well he's great to bring to these la parties and everything because everyone loves him all that people love him men women everybody loves him yeah you know valet everybody likes him because he's vague in race too i don't know what he is is he is he cuban or what are you i don't know no he's not cuban he's just all white he's all white he's all white but he's from texas and they have a little you know yeah yeah yeah yeah uh native american and all kinds of oh yeah i remember rattlesnake but he's good i can't bring another bruiser to a party like my when i walk in and i'm like, ah! People are like, okay, enough. I bring him in and he's like a waif and he's like barely there.

And he's like, hello. And people love him because they can talk about shit. I won't have certain conversations. Give me one. He'll talk about the weather in a nice, polite way. Oh, yeah. Because he's a sweet guy. He'll be like, oh, yeah.

You know, when I did the thing and i'm like listen let's let's they're they're cloning they're cloning and they're doing it now so you gotta you a guy like me two fat people should never be seen together that's you never hang out with someone overweight no never really no i mean i have you know for business thing are you embarrassed no i just think people need to bring different things to the equation. A fat guy and a thin guy has been the model forever and successful things.

Laurel and Hardy, Abbott, Costello, it's always a fat guy and a thin guy to an extent. Spade and Farley. Right. I mean, it's always a fat guy and a thin guy.

You can't have two fat people and two thin people starts looking weird too because it's like, what are they up to? Well, if they're both, if they're similar thin, if they're too similar in thinness.

You want to, when you go into a place, you want to be memorable and you want to compliment each other. Like me and him compliment each other well. Right. You know? Right.

I'm like aggressive. I have a very, like my voice is very off-putting. It's like... It's really perfect for comedy and podcasting. Yeah. It's like when you put a fork on a pan. Yeah. When you're cooking. That's exactly right. You know why? Yeah. Yeah. It's like when you put a fork on a pan. Yeah.

When you're cooking. That's exactly right. You know why? Yeah. Because the pan's telling the truth. Yeah. And people don't like that. The pan's going, ooh, I'm being scratched now.

I'm being scratched. But what he does is you put the fork on a nice little fucking soft pillow. Yeah. And that's what LA is. It's like, ooh, ooh, the pillow's getting tickled. I'm like, you know, so I think that's, you need friendships that compliment each other. That's what I've always found.

Well, you are someone that compliments most people very well because you offset everybody I've ever met in my entire life. I don't know if there's anybody that's like you. That's a wonderful thing to be. Well, you know yes and no. I mean, everyone says that. Who's like you?

No, but nobody's like me, but everyone says it's such a great thing to be, but nobody in this business wants that. What are you talking about? What does that mean? Everything in the industry of this business wants someone who's just like somebody else. What do you want the industry to want you to do? Everything. What? I think I'm

funny enough where they should write me a check and let me do things. You say, give me money and let me go. Yeah, absolutely. Look at these fucking shows they're making that are disgusting and unfunny. Give it to me.

I mean, a lot of the things that they've made, even, I mean, great shows that are like, even SNL now is kind of wacky. And it's, some of this stuff

is downright unwatchable. Some of these things that Comedy Central, True TV have made have been downright unwatchable and they take great talents, really funny people and they squeeze the funny out of them.

They beat the funny out of them with bats. Why is it? What do you think does it? the funny out of them. They beat the funny out of them with bats. Why is it? What do you think does it? It's part of the process. It's too many cooks in the kitchen. It's a bunch of people that want to be relevant that aren't funny, that are executives and people that work in production companies.

It's all very unnecessary. Look at what we're doing now. We don't need 10 people to come in here. This would just slow us down. Yeah, it would. So what I think I would really like in industry, it was like, we want a streamlined thing, but we want to give you money,

and we want to let you do funny, crazy shit, and people are going to connect to it, and we're going to find a way to distribute it online, and we're going to, I still like cool shit, I still love movies, I still love TV shows, but I want things to be better, especially comedy shows. Basically, you're talking about the early 90s. Yeah, I don't want to surrender the industry to just woke garbage.

Yeah, well, that's what it is. And that's what it is. And listen, that's what we're all doing. There's nothing wrong with that. We're all going indie, which is what we have to do. Right. But I look at this shit and I'm still a little upset. I'm like, where's mad TV?

Where's shit like that? Right. Where's stuff like Reno 911 that you can't even do now? Because half of the jokes are Reno 911. If you propose them in a writer's room right now, they'd call the police. So where is this shit? You think about that? That's such a great point

when I think about Nick Swartzen's character, Terry from Reno 911. Forget it! You could never pitch Terry now. Do you know that? They would go, that's culturally insensitive.

You can't do it. Yeah, no. You can't do it. Why does he always have to be sucking dick? I don't get it. So what you have is a lot of unfunny people that are they

want that are theater a lot of the industries people that were like theater kids people that were like like you were a theater kid though you know i was a professional actor who was paid holy shit street i toured around the country you didn't go you didn't go to theater school no not at all you had no formal training no formal training it's called training on television i had an i had an agent at seven. Thanks. But no, and I'm saying, listen, I'm saying this to be a cunt and to be funny, but it's actually a meaningful difference.

Yeah. Because if you do it professionally, even as a kid, it's competitive and nasty. It's disgusting. And if you do it in theater in high school, everybody's fun and supportive. Sure. And those people fucking fail. And that's it. And all the theater kids, my high school was like, had one of the best theater programs on Long Island.

You know what it produced? A lot of lawyers. Because you don't, you should all be made to take gym and have a fire-breathing dyke chase you around an auditorium. And like, Ms. Zenker used to be like, it's time for the fun run. And you're like, look at this sinful woman. But I look at that shit woman. Uh, I,

but I, I look at that shit and I go, a lot of these types of kids, dilettantes, people that want to be near the business, but like people that want to be near talented people, but aren't talented people. They are the ones who fuck up every show.

I just did a pilot. You know, one of the notes I got on, on it was, this was a pilot where I stood on a tour bus and yelled at people. And the note that I got was this. Are we going to explore economics through the lens of race and gender?

And my email back was no because it's not a course at NYU. It's a 22 minute show where I'm on a tour bus. So we're not doing that. What we're trying to do is be, but the minute that those fucking people

began to think that they were important and they were fighting the good fight, everything, they inject all of that into it and they ruin everything and they ruin funny people's time.

Yeah, a lot of funny people's shit goes down. And it's really, so when you say to me like, I don't, like we don't care about the industry now. It's easy to say

we don't care about the industry. it's easy to say we don't care about the industry it just depresses me from a human standpoint that a lot of the shit I grew up on that I thought was great that I'd like to see more of that is still going on

in the podcast world yeah and they're still going on in the independent world real conversations real shit footing why can't we have

a version of that fucking on a streaming service or on TV? You can. Yeah. So that's my hope. But this is the new shit is we just have to make our own shit. Yeah.

So in a weird way, this is by and large the most freeing time, right? The fans have spoken. People are like, I love how many people I've sent your fucking video to on Melrose. People that go, I would watch this I know okay so literally the only thing that's left is it's up to us to just do it that's it so I think that's the thing is like as much as I don't enjoy kind of quote-unquote what's happening a little bit to some degree it's the literal thing I love because I'm like oh wait we can do whatever the fuck we want and we don't have there's no parameters I mean dude I'm embarrassed to say

this and I don't really talk about it because it does it makes me feel uncomfortable when I'm like, oh, wait, we can do whatever the fuck we want and there's no parameters. Absolutely. Dude, I'm embarrassed to say this, and I don't really talk about it because it makes me feel uncomfortable when I'm around real actors, is I've never had literally any training. Right. Never once. And I've landed a pretty good amount of jobs. Right. And other actors, there's people that have kind of,

when I tell them that, they kind of look at you like, oh, you're trash. Like, I'm less than. But, it's like, dude, I do this thing. This is all the, so just to go, well, yeah, to go back to what you're talking about. They have bicycle,

they have training wheels. Right, right. And you starting as a fucking kid in acting is what I'm paralleling. It's like, yeah, you just jump right in and you fucking do it. I did a lot of plays of plays i did a lot of shows new york city a lot of black box theaters your parents put you in it or you wanted to do it i wanted to do it i pointed at the tv when i was like four five and i was like i want to be in that that's funny the pathology goes deep you know it's

very it's why why though why something's there no i mean i'm not a doctor ask jordan peterson jordan come on in your mother. Your mother was extremely supportive. She was supportive, but she wasn't like a big stage mom. She was good and supportive. Like, I can't tell you why. Dude, when I watch old movies of myself, and I think a lot of them were destroyed in Hurricane Sandy, thank God. I'd be like three going, everyone look at me.

I want to put on a play at three. Like three years old, I'd be like, hey, whole party of people. Watch me. And then I would just like smash something in my head because that's what you do at three it was a great bit so do you think that this is this is what every comic has to go through i did the same kind of nonsense i don't know i just feel like when i was fucking nine i sung at my parents wedding yeah i thought i thought that was the coolest thing i sent one singular sensation yeah i was so gay as a child one singular sensation that was my grandmother's retirement song yeah yeah yeah

your grandmother goes out my parents go in i think we all in a way a lot of us want that spotlight and where that comes from i don't know something's deeply wrong yeah something is inherently inherently off but you're okay with it how can you fight what it is you can't fight what it is well you can walk you can walk away from it. You can just not. But you can't. I mean, that's why they're all walking around waiting for the ferryman. I mean, sadly, I don't think you can.

Here's the problem, dude. I actually don't think you can. I think it either works or your life is ruined. Damn. I don't think people can. I even think the people that do never fully do.

You think the people that do it never really do? If you're a real comic, and a lot of these people aren't, so if you're not a real comic, it whatever you and i are real professional comedians yeah i think i think once you whatever that threshold is once you're in it it is hard to fucking get out well i wouldn't want to get hard i wouldn't want to get out no no none of us would want to get out i'm just saying oh any anybody for whatever reason even if you're not as far along as you or as far along as I or whatever,

I just think once you're kind of in, you're in. This ruins you for everything else. Well, let me tell you something. How can you do anything else after you've done this? I could get out. You could get out?

I could. I don't want to. I don't want to, but I know it's in the back of my head. I'm not saying you'd murder your family. I would. I'm saying that. I would not even do it twice.

But I'm saying that when you were out, you wouldn't be fully out because this is still so much a part of'd murder your family. I would. I'm saying that. I wouldn't even, I would not even twice. But I'm saying that when you were out, you wouldn't be fully out because this is still so much a part of you and your DNA. Yeah. You'd be sitting in some, my friends that are like, you know,

firefighters or whatever. They got a hot wife. They go on two vacations a year. They have a nice little house in Long Island. Perfect. When they're on vacation, they're on fucking vacation. They don't care.

Right. You'll never be able to clear your head completely of this business. You never will. You'll never be able to do it. Even of this business. You never will. You'll never be able to do it. Even if you get out and you run as far away as you think you can, I'm telling you right now, there'll be a small corner of your mind with cobwebs, and in that corner of your mind will be fucking something from this business.

You'll never be able to get rid of it. Can I tell you something? Yeah. I'm on my way out today. You're going? This is my last day. Is it really? I want to say goodnight to my fans, my friends, my family, my dog.

I wish, listen, if it was that easy. If you had to get out, where would you go though? You've got to run. Where? A small town in New England. I already know where I'm at. Where? A little island off the coast.

A little island off of Sicily. And I would be a little shitty fisherman off the coast of Sicily down there. That's such a, that's such a like, that's,

you read that in like a John Grisham novel. I don't read, you know that I don't read books. I've never read a book. I've never read it, I've never read a book front to back.

Is that true? 100%. Interesting. I love LA. You just come right out with that. Yeah. I love it. Well, no, I'm from Chicago and. I've never read a book front to back. Is that true? A hundred percent. Interesting. I love LA. You just come right out with that. Yeah. I love it. Well, no, I'm from Chicago

and none of those people read books either. It's just different. They've read Mein Kampf. Well, the Bible. Is that what you're talking about? They've read. You're talking about the Bible?

They've read My Awakening by David Duke. Okay. The Bible. The Bible. Yeah. You're talking Old Testament, New Testament.

The Giordano's pizza menu. I've read that a thousand times. I love Giordano's. Yeah. And Lou's. and lose i like lose too look at this guy they're both delicious piquads is good piquads is fucking wonderful portillo's is good but i couldn't do the cake shake because they said the chocolate cake was made with mayonnaise and then i just felt gross because i saw the cake and the way it glistened i'm like oh that is a manias chocolate cake you didn't try it no is it good oh fuck come on I know dude I hate there is not mayonnaise

in this home I don't put I like mayonnaise I like mayonnaise but I don't want it in my chocolate cake I don't like it I'll eat the fuck

out of that cake any day really it's fucking phenomenal I just start picturing how they make it with chocolate and mayo it's just

it's gross I hate mayo in general it's repulsive but it's really good everyone said it's so soft so soft because of the mayo and the frosting

fluff I mean it's like just a little piece of a cloud we should go get one right now have you ever tried the cake said it's so soft. So soft. Because of the mayo. And the frosting. Fluff. I mean, it's like just a little piece of a cloud. God. We should go get one right now. Have you ever tried the cake shake? It's in LA, buddy. What?

We're in LA. You can't get it. Do you not know? There's a Portillo's here? There's a Portillo's here. How disgusting is that? Buena Park. So gross.

What about the shake that they put the cake in? Yeah, the cake shake is delicious. Fluffy has like 20 minutes on that. He's like, I have a cake shake. And everyone's like, ah. He's very talented. Do you know that's fake? I would open for you. Do you know that's fake? I would open for you.

Do you know that's fake? What? His weight. It's a fat suit. Is it true? Yeah. He weighs 119 pounds. And he's white?

He's white. He's a hipster from Echo Park. He's a white hipster from Echo Park. I say that about a lot of my friends. I make jokes like that all the time. If somebody's new,

you obviously aren't gullible like that, but if someone in the comedy community is new and they're like, I met so-and-so all the time. Brad Williams, he's a midget. Every time, I'll go, that's a bit.

That's a whole bit. That's a bit. Isn't that crazy? He actually has full legs. He just folds them up. He folds them up. He folds them. Miss Pat, not a fat black woman. Not even a little. She's a Korean girl Pat, not a fat black woman. Not a fat black woman. Not even a little.

She's a Korean girl. She's a small Korean woman. Very quick. Very quick. Maneuvers through the club. Puts on the suit. Gets in. Miss Pat is a Korean woman.

She's one of the funniest people. Me, her Bobby. Fucking hysterical. Me, her Bobby Kelly. Montreal Comedy Festival. Yeah. Last year, we're at a restaurant. They bring over three blinks, okay?

Miss Pat is on her phone, FaceTiming her daughter, going, beat them kids on the phone. Beat them badass kids. Hit them in front of me. Are they acting up? Hit them. And then you hear like, Miss Pat's like, get them, get them. And the kid's like, ah!

In the restaurant, the people, the French Canadians are terrified. Yeah. They bring over three little wigs. It is me, Bobby, and Miss Pat. Miss Pat calls the wigs over and goes, what the fuck we gonna do with these wigs? What am I gonna put them in my pussy?

It was the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life. She's so funny. Me and her and Bobby Kelly hiked. Have you been to JFL ever? Yeah. There's a mountain you can hike up. And me, her, and Bobby hiked up the mountain and then got ice cream at the top of the mountain. It was the funniest thing.

That sounds like a beautiful day. It was a great day. By the way, you're hanging out with three overweight people now. Two overweight people. Yeah. So you say you don't do that. Well, no. Out of the country.

Out of the country and also that's business. Business you're allowed to. When you go to a party, if you're going to bring another person, this is my only point. You can't bring yourself. Yeah. You got to bring somebody else. That's funny. You know?

I used to go to a Louis with a lot of parties. We would go together. Louis C.K.? Yeah, a lot of parties. Do you know each other? Very well. Interesting. Yeah, I'm fighting for the guy.

You look alike. Yeah. Yeah. He's a great, great comedian. I don't know him at all. I know you don't. I met him twice. Actually, he was very nice when he came and did shows at the store,

and I really did like him a lot. And, man, I can't wait until he comes back. Actually, he was very nice when he came and did shows at the store. I really did like him a lot. Man, I can't wait until he comes back. Yeah, me too. I can't fucking wait until he comes back. Me too. He's going to do this beautiful big manifesto on stage. It's going to be this wonderful piece of comedy truth. It'll be like a Chappelle-ian type of thing.

I hope he comes back with a Nanette from the other side. Like he got raped? Like a genius Nanette, but for the alt-right. Did you watch Nanette? Which everyone is saying he is, which is so stupid. He's not at all. He's actually a very brilliant guy. Yeah, they say he's a moron.

They're so stupid. These fucking dirtbag writers that make 300 grand a year to not die in a writer's room. These fucking pigs. These fat snobs. These disgusting pigs. writers that make 300 grand a year to not die in a writer's room yeah fucking fat slobs disgusting pigs um did you watch nanette of course yeah you did yeah i didn't see it it wasn't for me but i'll tell you this some of the specials after that yeah have made nanette look like Bring the Pain. I didn't know how good Nanette was. I watched some specials.

I'm like, oh, fuck. Nanette is great. You see some comedy in LA, you're like, Nanette is phenomenal. You know, it's a thing, man. It was not nearly as annoying as the press that surrounded it. Like all those articles were like, comedy's over. Right. Right. Right.

But that was only very, that was one voice. Just like the other voice that was saying like, this is the revolution of comedy. I also disagreed with so heavily. It's like, no, this is not the future of comedy.

We don't really need anyone to write about comedy anymore. Yeah, that's the biggest problem with comedy. We don't really need anyone writing about it. We have the fans.

They can tell us. We actually don't need your shitty. Reviews are ridiculous. We don't need your shitty think piece that's written from your macbook your father bought you

and your dad's paying your rent and you're sitting there and firing all these dumb articles right now close it all down close it down shut it down

shut it down they have a job they have a job to do that's like when anything when anything is written they do have jobs and I don't mind listen I don't mind

it is what it is it's all it's all it's all bullshit when you were talking to me I love bringing things full circle I'm very good at this yeah when you're talking to me about being a parasite and being a vulture that's what it is. It's all bullshit. When you were talking to me, I love bringing things full circle. I'm very good at this.

When you were talking to me about being a parasite and being a vulture, that's what it is. Everybody in their own way is just cannibalizing everybody else's shit. So they cannibalize the art that was made and then people cannibalize the critiques and then everybody cannibalizes everybody. And that's it. And then we all eat each other and it makes way for new life yeah that's what it is we eat each other we shit each other out and that births and that's why you have to eat them you have to eat the pain and well that's what they say you can't wait around for people to falter and then eat their pain no you have to you have to eat their pain you have to cannibalize their pain because if not the lizard people will

do it and if the lizard people do it they're going to get all the benefits of the negative energy you have to eat the negative energy eat the pain who was the who's the head lizard now do you know who it is is joe biden lizard somebody told me he was lizard he'd like to be a lizard he can't make it biden can't make it as a lizard he's like he's kind of a lizard yeah but not but not fully. You know. No, it's always, here's the thing. There is no head lizard person. They all shift. And that's the thing with people.

What people don't understand about conspiracies, they think it's one group, or they think it's five guys in a room with cigars. It's actually, and this was a guy that said this on my show, it's just society at the highest levels perpetuating itself that's all it is it's not neat and it's not clean it's people that will go to war with each other immediately but when they're faced with a common enemy they'll band together because they have that solidarity um it's people that are in big business government media

all over the place wherever they are Hollywood they're just they're at the apex of society and they'll do anything to stay there anything

they'll arrange the game in any way that it is favorable to them and the ways of doing that would blow people's minds the ways that people maneuver the ways that they can exert

control on other people would fascinate people yeah that i think is what's truly fascinating when you look at these fucking senators and congressmen that all show up to washington dc and almost immediately they start voting against the interest of their home districts right the people that they've grown up with their whole fucking lives. Sorry, ma. You're not getting that fucking implant. Shut up. You go, how did this happen? And then you realize, oh, the pressures that are on them are coming from all these different places.

A lot of those people are having extramarital affairs. Some of them have drug problems. Some of them have cheated on their taxes. Some of them are into much worse, sicker things. And there are ways that people can hold them in a place and make them do what they want and and and make sure that they are useful and they they come i mean that's what this has been going on for very very long time you compromise people and you put them in the position of doing what you want some people don't even have to be compromised because

they just do it fucking anyway yeah because they're just standing for the money but that's i think the difference i don't think people realize how widespread that is and how effective people are at getting people to do what they want yeah and that's what it is but that's all it is it's not like five people in a room no it's not something it's not some secret club it's all over the place no it's how do we how do we make this happen how do we get this guy out of power in a democratically or how do we put the right guy into power yeah donald trump is the best example they put him into power no donald trump's actually i would say donald trump they didn't care here's the thing they don't care who's in peck does it matter that's why they put him

there see i think he's a good pawn he actually actually, they don't, I don't believe, I think they, some of them wanted him in, some of them didn't. Yeah. Some of them thought it'd be a good opportunity. Some of them would have rathered Hillary because she's played the game for a lot longer. But at the end of the day, these people don't care. You voted for Ron Paul. I didn't vote.

I just don't vote. I live in New York. I don't care. I voted for George. It'll be Bush once. Obama wants the next top vote. And once nothing ever changed. Obama wants it. I stopped voting. Once nothing ever changed.

Obama wants it but not Obama too? No because nothing changed. Obama won. Then you got to get to a certain point when you realize

nothing changes. Yeah. Nothing other than like the social things that you know gay marriage will happen and this will happen and that will happen

and I'm not saying to totally disengage but the foreign policy economic policy things like that it's not like we're just gonna do a lot of what you know obama came in it was like the american military we cannot do things and then we're at war for seven years drone striking every secret prison cia kidnapping it's all the same shit it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It really doesn't matter.

Is Trump going to win again? People like to think it matters because then they matter. Yeah. Because if that matters, then they... Well, I don't know. You got to win my vote. Right. I don't know who I'm voting for.

Shut up. You shut up. Eat the cake shake. Die. Eat the cake shake and die. You don't fucking have a say. You don't have a say. Imagine you had a say in Schaumburg, shake, and die. You don't fucking have a say. You don't have a say. Imagine you had a say in Schaumburg, Illinois, eating a fucking heart attack.

Imagine someone came to you and said, what do you think the trade policy would be? You don't have this. You've never had a say, but nobody likes that. Right. Nobody likes that. It's hard to admit. People want to have. You don't have a say.

You think you do because you vote. It's fun. You go, this team and my team and you, me, they don't get, they start,

they bomb. Why did we go into Libya? They ain't gonna explain that? We fund Saudi Arabia. They're doing a genocide in Yemen. They don't ask. They don't go, hello,

okay. They don't shut down a Denny's for five minutes and go, everyone, along with your checks, we are going to hand out a slip of paper. Are you pro or against the genocide in Yemen that we're currently funding? Yes, check, no, X. Thank you.

We're tabulating balance. We're going to decide. No one cares what you think. So if you realize that at an early age like i realize that you run the risk of alienating people that think you're a bad part like people come to me go oh you're a cynical bad person because you don't care about other people like no i care about other people but i'm intellectually honest enough to know that nobody came and asked me before they gave saudi arabia all these weapons right nobody came and asked me before they gave Saudi Arabia all these weapons. Right. Nobody came and asked me before they backed. Nobody came and asked me before they went

and knocked over five Middle Eastern countries after 9-11. No one came and asked me before. They just do this shit. They just do it. And you're a part of it. You're a part of it. You have to sit here and go, okay. But you know what you do?

Yeah. You eat the fucking cake shake. You eat the cake shake. Eat the fucking cake shake. Eat the cake shake. Eat the poke bowl. Eat the poke bowl, you fucking cake shake loving mother fucker. Do what you want. Be nice to your brother. Half these people on. Eat the poke bowl. You do what you want.

Be nice to your brother. Half these people on Twitter that are like, oh, you're humanity. They haven't seen their brother in five years. Yeah. Be good to the people you can be. You want to force political change? Do it. I'm proud of you. That's not what I do. I make people laugh.

Good for you. If you feel that you can do it, go do it. Great. Edward Snowden thought he could do it. He's in Moscow now. Michael Hastings wanted to do it. His car emolliated right outside of Austria Mocha on Larchmont.

Kennedy wanted to do it. Martin Luther King wanted to do it. You see what I'm getting at here? You see where I'm going here? Obama thought he wanted to do it and then he goes, I'll just go on Ellen and dance. Everyone went,

great, great. Bombs away. And he'll just dance. None of these fuckers care. They just want a president that represents America who's a good faker. Trump's not a good faker.

No, he's a bad faker. Trump owns the Miss Universe pageant. He's a wealthy, cocky narcissist who's the worst face of the American empire. Yeah, but he's the American dream. He's exactly what we are.

He is perfectly America. There's a great line in the movie Nixon. Yeah. It was made by Oliver Stone. Some people didn't like it. I fucking love it. What do you mean?

I think people like that movie. I love it. Yeah, I like it. A lot of these pretentious content have never done anything. They're like, I don't know. At the end of the movie,

Nixon looks at a picture of Kennedy and he goes, this is the night before he leaves office or close to it. He looks at a picture of Kennedy. He goes, he goes, when they see you, they see what they want to be. When they see me,

they see what they are. And that's it. When we look at Trump, we see who we are. It's who we are. Yeah. Well, the Kennedys were who everybody wanted to be.

This, this wealthy New England family who, who lived in the lap of luxury and nothing really mattered and they were all good looking and Trump is this when you look at Obama guy who you know overcame the racial things all the problems what racial things being half black he's half black he's half black oh my god it's not just the lighting I thought it just I thought it was the lighting I thought it was a lighting that was a tan I lighting. I thought it was the lighting. I thought it was a tan light. I used to tell people it was the lighting in Long Island. I'm like, don't worry, grandma. It's the light.

He's a town Sicilian. But Trump's who we are. People are uncomfortable. Obama's who you want to be. He's the fucking, the guy. He's the Jedediah Bartlett, West Wing, Aaron Sorkin, wrote Obama. He's perfect.

He's got the- He didn't write Trump. Who wrote Trump? Let's think who wrote Trump. Aaron Sorkin wrote Obama he's perfect he's got the he's robotic he didn't write Trump who wrote Trump let's think who wrote Trump Aaron Sorkin wrote Obama who would write you know Tarantino wrote Trump

or maybe directed Trump no it'd have to be like it would have to be Adam McKay like yeah Adam McKay did a good job with Vice Vice was good

it was good I'm not friends with Adam and I know him because we're in the same circle of Hollywood people that see each other. We live in a similar area. We hang,

and we don't agree on everything, but we respect each other's talents because he's done, you know, the big short, and I've done, you know, side splitters in Tampa,

and he understands. He gets it. He gets it, but I felt, he tried to do everything in that movie and he did nothing. Yeah. That's the problem. Well, the acting was fucking good.

Christian Bale's great. He's great. You're an actor. I'm a comedian. I'm a fucking comedian. I'm kidding with you. Dan Soder gets so mad when I call him an actor. Dan Soder?

Yeah. But he's a good actor. He's a great actor. That's an issue. I know. I love what people get insulted by in this business. You're a great actor and you're on a hit show. Shut up!

That's only because comedians have such egos about wanting to always be comedians. There's this comics, comics nonsense. Comedians should be put in a cage. Yeah, they're pieces of shit. You know the ISIS flame cage? Know it. Support it. Comedians should go in the flame cage.

That's where they should go in. Shout out to ISIS. Shout out to ISIS. This whole thing is being broadcast just there. Thank God. Just for ISIS. I's where they should go in. Shout out to ISIS. Shout out to ISIS. This actually, this whole thing is being broadcast just there. Thank God. Just for ISIS.

I would do so well in Syria. You would murder. Murder. Tim Dillon murders Syria. Because I look like the fat white guy that is a celebrity. Like, that's what they understand

about America. You're Kevin James. They understand that. Yeah. And then once I go over, I'm like, you guys have some points. They're like,

I mean, it would be crazy. It would be nuts. Do you do the road? Side splitters you joked about? Do you do the road? Of course I do. Are you guys have some points. They're like. Love this guy. It would be nuts. Do you do the road? Side splitters you joked about? Do you do the road? Of course I do. Are you on the road right now? I want to make money.

Huh? Yeah, I'm going to. Plug dates. You want to plug dates? Mohegan Sun, June 20th through the 22nd. I'm going to St. Louis Funny Bone, the 27th through the 29th. I'll be at Hilarities in Cleveland, July 19th and 20th. American Comedy Co. in San Diego, August 1st through the 3rd.

Boom. Who do you take with you? Anybody? TimDillonComedy.com. I used to take an opener out of New York. Now I don't take anyone really. Well, because now it's harder. That'll change.

Well, I love taking people. It's just too lonely, man. Diversity now has become a thing. For whom? For a lot of these clubs. So they want to put, I think they want to put somebody on the lineup who's like a woman or whatever, which I'm totally cool with.

So I don't bring it like. You just let them do it. I just kind of let them do it. I like to bring someone if I can because I don't want to be lonely. I like to bring somebody if I can too. I'll check. Like sometimes they go,

we've already booked someone. Yeah, no. Well, then just say no. You're the headliner. That's true. Yeah, I always say, I was like, no, I want to bring someone

that I want to bring. Sometimes I get sick of sharing a room with someone. Oh, I don't share a room. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. You make the club pay. Oh yeah. Okay. But see, I like sharing the room with someone? Oh, I don't share a room. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. You make the club pay?

Oh, yeah. Okay. But see, I like sharing the room. It's fun. No. Because sometimes I like to talk until like 3 a.m. No.

But then I get sick of it. I'll go in your room. We'll hang out, and then I'll go back in my room. Right. Like when I bring this- What if I want to rape you? I'll leave the doors unlocked.

Okay. The door's always unlocked. Fair. Yeah. Fair. Fair. So what? Go to timdilloncomedy.com.

If you want to go see these dates, go see him live. It's a lot of fun. One of the best comics working today. And it sounds cheap, but I do mean it. I think you're extremely

fucking funny. It's not cheap. I paid a lot. I paid $3,500 for him to say this. So it's not cheap at all. Cash. Don't talk about my prices online. Don't talk about my fucking prices.

Go to timdillonComedy.com. Tim J. Dillon, D-I-L-L-O-N on Instagram and Twitter. And I'll plug that all in the description. I get yelled at every time people go, you didn't put it in the fucking... All right. I'll put it in the goddamn description. It's coming.

Calm down. It's coming. Please go see him. Go to AndrewSantino.com for all that bullshit. Thank you for coming. Thank you for coming. I wish we had a camera and a mic over there for you. You know what? Who cares bullshit. Thank you for coming. Thank you for coming. I wish we had a camera and a mic over there for you. You know what?

Who cares? Yeah, you're right. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You're that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the whore.

Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers.