Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Tom Segura

Episode Date: July 17, 2020

Santino sits down with the bilingual water champ himself, Tom Segura to talk about becoming friends with their hip hop idols, Chevy Chase's namesake and how Tom physically and mentally abuses any comic that opens for him on the road. ORDER SOME MERCH!!! https://www.andrewsantinostore.com GO TO www.andrewsantino.com FOR ALL THINGS CHEETO SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS! BUFFALO TRACE - The ONLY bourbon with balls Pick up a bottle and tag us when your taking a sip of the sweet sauce Drink responsibly, must be 21+ Join our Patreon : https://www.patreon.com/whiskeygingerpodcast Follow Santino on Insta and Twitter: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ https://twitter.com/CheetoSantino Whiskey Ginger Insta and Twitter: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeygingerpodcast/ & https://twitter.com/whiskeyginger_ Whiskey Ginger Clips: http://www.youtube.com/c/WhiskeyGingerPodcastClips EDITING AND PRODUCTION DESIGN BY THE AMAZING WHISKEY GINGER TEAM JENNA SUNDE https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday/ JOE FARIA https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria Y&S https://www.instagram.com/youngandsick/ Intro Music by Rocom: https://www.youtube.com/user/RocomTelevision Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Your teen requested a ride, but this time, not from you. It's through their Uber Teen account. It's an Uber account that allows your teen to request a ride under your supervision with live trip tracking and highly rated drivers. Add your teen to your Uber account today. What up, Whiskey Ginger fans? Welcome back to the show. If this is your first time joining us, welcome to the show. Subscribe, like it, do all the good stuff you got to do, and share it around

to tell your friends about it. Today's a great episode. We got one of my good buddies, Mr. Tom Segura. I don't even know how to say it. I think it's Segura, but I'm stoked to have him. The dude is so much fun to talk to and good to look at, ladies. That shiny, beautiful face of his. He's a gorgeous man. But I got good news for the fans. We got new merch, baby! Bing, bing, bing, bing. Like this hat right here is on the website.

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if you want to find out everything else you need to know about me, including links to the Patreon, which I highly recommend because I'm doing one-on-one Cheeto chats, more intimate episodes. The solo eps are there. So go over there to the Patreon at andresantino.com. But if you want to pick up some new merch, go to andresantinostore.com. Support the Whisk Jinge crew, please.

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I like gingers. Got his fucking Air Force Ones on ones on dude i got some kicks you match so well too it was you know what it was a coordinated effort today meaning that i knew i was coming on here for the first time yeah waiting for the invite for a while but coming on not true and i was like i threw these on and then my son one of my sons was standing next to me and I was like, I threw these on. And then my son, one of my sons was standing next to me. And he was like, what shirt you're going to wear? And I was like, I don't know, man. I started pulling shirts out.

He goes, why don't you just pick one? You know how fucking stupid you feel? How old is your son now? He's four and a half, the older one. He's like, why? He goes, why are you? Because I was like picking out different shirts. And I go, well, how do you pick?

He goes, I just pick one. Smart. And I was like, yeah, dude, all right. He knows exactly how to dress. And he said, dad, you have to fix this up. This has to match that to match the kicks. And it does, though. It all matches, though.

Well, you look good. I have on, this is really embarrassing. Those are nice. Yeah, these are cool Stan Smiths, but they've got these hard ties at the end. Yeah. But sometimes they clank when I walk. And it's embarrassing.

Those look good. But I walked into a cafe and they're like, click, click, click, click. I mean, this is also, by the way, matching on its own level. This is a match. I do matchy stuff,

but it's because I only have three colors. Yeah, I'm kind of like you. People talk about me in the comments always like, oh, buy new clothes, but I can't afford it. And people need to know that. I don't have any money to buy new clothes.

I knew that. Yeah, you know that because you care about me, but they just want to like, you know, belittle me. And people need to know that. I don't have any money to buy new clothes. I knew that. Yeah, you know that because you care about me, but they just want to like, you know, belittle me. And it's like, dude, I can't afford to buy new stuff. So black and blue and gray is all I can afford. Once you get into like reds and yellows, greens, teals, all that stuff, it's expensive.

Those are thousands and thousands. I imagine, I don't know. Isn't that what they cost when you go? I have a few. I have a yellow shirt and I have a teal shirt. They were $2,800 each. A piece? A piece.

See, and that sounds expensive. That's for the color. It's just for the color. Do you wear them ever? I mean, on special occasions, you know. Mostly I wear black because it's free. Yeah, black is always... Well, that's why I wear these pants.

These are free. Everything black is free clothing-wise. Everybody knows that. But one day I'll get into... I mean, you know, if something good happens in the biz, I'll be able to afford a yellow or blue shirt. I'd love to be there that day.

I'll invite you. Okay. I want to introduce my guest. I should do that first. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on earth. I say that for all my guests,

but I mean it once again today. It is Tom Segura. Yeah. Thank you. It's not welcome back though. I'm welcoming the guests back. Oh, you're welcoming them back. I'm welcoming the fans back. The fansura. Yeah, thank you. It's not welcome back, though. I'm welcoming the guests back. Oh, you're welcoming them back. I'm welcoming the fans back. The fans back.

Yeah, they're returning. They're returning. Yeah. No new fans will come from this, is what I'm saying. I never get new fans. Ever? I've had the same 55 listeners since we started the podcast. That's fucking, that's growing.

It's big. That is big. It's big. We're taking over. And I got to tell you, I don growing. It's big. That is big. It's big. We're taking over and I gotta tell you, I don't, I don't really want more people to listen to it.

I think this is, we're gonna settle with this. So cheers to that. Yeah, cheers. Bottom clink because we can't, the pandy we can't touch. Just a little bit

of something for the, mm, blood. Isn't that good? Mm. Isn't that good? I like it. That's Hollywood stuff, dude.

You got this from Hollywood? I called my guy Mike Hollywood and I said, can you get me some blood? Yeah. Yeah. This is a 48-year-old Puerto Rican man's blood. That's good. It's really good. And it fucks you up if you drink blood? Yeah, it fucks you up enough, yeah, because it messes with the levels of your own blood.

It gets in the side of your own blood and you get a little more, you get a little lucid. I bet if it doesn't match, that's probably not good for you, but that's probably what makes it feel good, right? You poop it right out. You poop it right out if it doesn't match. Oh, really? Yep, not a big deal whatsoever.

You'd be a good doctor. Thank you, dude. I just need to inform some people. For people that don't know, Tom Segura is probably one of the most, I would say famous is a dumb word, infamous comic orators of our time. A little unknown stuff about you that people don't know is you actually wrote the original screenplay for Hamilton, for the play Hamilton. Yeah. Which I think is so annoying that that guy took all the credit for it.

And took all the royalties and took all the- Oh, you're not getting paid. Nope. That nope that's offensive dude because that's your play so lin-manuel and his his mom and my mom were like friendly and they you know they used to like spit shit together and oh cool so like when you know we got to talking about he likes hip-hop and i was like yeah i do too right so we started um kind of going back and forth. And then he's like, you know, do you know anything about history? And I was like, I don't know anything about history. Dude, what do you want to know about?

So I started, I'm the one that gave him the whole background on, you know, like. On Hamilton. Dude, yeah. So he didn't know any of that stuff until you? Nothing. What a thief, dude. Nothing. He was like, we were founded in 16, I was like 16.

He didn't know the year, you know? Yeah. What is he? What is he? You know what, dude? But when I saw the goatee, I thought that's a- It's a giveaway. That's a giveaway.

Yeah. Tom probably said, oh, why don't you shave into a goatee? Because he used to have a beard. Yeah. Well, the goatee, because what happens when you have a goatee, your lips look like an asshole. Right. So I was like, I know you're an asshole. Yeah.

So why don't you put a goatee on your face? Put a goatee on your face. God, that's smart. That's so smart. Well, you do so many other great, wonderful things. You have a podcast that I loved coming on. Let me redo that. You have a podcast that i enjoyed

being a part of um and it's called where my mom's at and that's that's unbelievably it's an unbelievably funny podcast and i can listen to it all day thank you it's really good it is really good and it's uh it's christina's that's her that's her mom podcast. Oh. Where my mom's at. No, Christina's is your mom's house. No, the other way. No, Christina's podcast is your mom's house. Well, it's also hers because she co-hosted it. Right. Oh, so they're both hers.

Well, I mean, yeah. That makes sense. Yeah. Yeah, those are both hers. Speaking of which, dude, speaking of hip hop, really annoyed at something that happened not too long ago. What's that? Dude, speaking of hip hop, really annoyed at something that happened not too long ago.

What's that? That you wore a gangsta shirt from our mutual friend, DJ Premier. And he tweeted about it or grammed about it. Yeah. And I wore three gangsta hats that he sent to me and I got no love. And it really kind of hurt my feelings. Isn't it the fucking, like the post is obviously flattering, but isn't it crazy to have a relationship with him i was in my bed i'm he's texting me one morning and i said to my the old bag my wife i said to her this is the craziest shit on earth i'm texting my literal musical like hero as a kid yeah and she was like who is it it's dj premiere a gangstar

she's like oh yeah i like gangstar yeah you play me gangstar and i was like isn't this insane she's like yeah that's cool but she it's like she didn't it didn't register i'm like babe this is if whitney houston texted you right right that's what that that's what this is i got okay so i've always been a huge huge fan and i know a few hip-hop people he is like the absolute top of the food chain to me and i mean yeah i would never you know i've on on social media i've liked stuff maybe i've commented once or twice yeah but you know it was from a distance. I never, like, was, like, trying to get in there. You know what I mean? Yeah, same.

That feels like a weird... It's weird to fish for a hip-hop friend. Yeah, like, you know, whatever happens, happens. Right. Dude, so I wore a shirt that I bought from his store on something. And he posted it in his his stories and then he sent me a message and I was like wait a minute and I had to keep looking at the name to like I was like with the check mark I was like no he's not doing this

yeah and then I like went back to it and I went back to the message and then he was like like the special is great and I love the podcast i was like wait what so i responded and we started going back and forth and i immediately started to do screen grabs and i my two college roommates who we all listen to the same music together i was like you're definitely going to shit your pants on this one because sometimes they've seen me like you know on a show or in a movie or something or some comment and they'll go like isn't that crazy that you i go you guys are gonna die yeah you're gonna die and they're like what i go you have just i am chatting with like our i said you know yeah hero and they're like

what who and i said primo and they were and they just sent like blown brain emojis and they were like yeah and they were like no and i and so then i sent them and they were like what the fuck is happening mike one of my friends was like if you are gonna go like hang out while he djs can i please be there just be near you yeah he was like he's like i'll do whatever i'll sweep the floor and i was like i'm just yeah and then we started him him being such a fan of comedy it's crazy crazy. It is wild because, well, the more I meet hip hop artists as years go on of guys that I have loved forever, the more you realize that they love comedy so much. And somebody, a fan once asked me, what do they think the connection is?

And I really couldn't put my finger on it. I was like, I don't know why a lot of hip hop artists like love standup comedy. I don't know if it's, I don't know if it's much different than other musicians, but for some reason, so many hip hop artists I know through the grapevine that have been like oh dude huge like huge fans of comedy which i'm like i wonder why that is versus you know like at the store sometimes we would get like famous musicians would come through you know a couple of bands that are big into like the comedy world but it's it's more rare you know like um uh rory scoville and all those guys they know uh oh yeah all those guys, they know.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Jack White. Yeah, they know Jack White and that whole crew. They kind of, like, they're into it. And I know that, like, Tool, apparently, the guys that, you know, they followed Tool. Do you know about this? Yeah. They went on the road, they followed Tool.

Rory did that, too. Yeah, and they figured out, I guess, that, like, Tool knew who they were and was fans of comedy. I was like, I think there's like this crossover of musicians that always has existed. But a lot of times we won't, like they won't admit it.

We can always admit that we're huge fans. Right. But a musician for some reason because we're clowns, like they don't really want to admit that they go to the circus.

And also I think some people will go, they'll just, they'll think of, if somebody says I'm a Santino fan, they'll go,'ll think of if they if somebody says i'm a santino fan they'll go so you like this perspective on something and the and the the person who says they're a fan just like the guy makes me laugh i don't yeah it's just funny break down everything

he says you know in 98 one time he yeah he did it well what's even funnier sometimes when someone will claim you said something uh that you didn't say yeah you know that they're like nah but you know he when he did that joke about this thing you know like if someone said that to me they go yeah tom did this joke i don't know it was about this thing and then i'll tell them who really said that i'll go that wasn't tom that was yeah that was some other idiot yeah and they'll go yeah i still don't like tom for that yeah it's like you'll get you still get the thing like you'll get it even though someone didn't the opposite of that is when somebody goes, dude, I love your bit about The Rock. I'm like, I don't have a bit about The Rock.

You're like, they're like, yeah, you do. They're like, it's hilarious. And I can tell how happy they are. They're like, that's the funniest shit. And I'm like, yeah, no, it's pretty good. And so what, you just accept it? Yeah, you're like, yeah, yeah. They're like, I show it to all my friends.

And I'm like, oh, that's great. Thanks, man. Well, you know, it yeah you're like yeah yeah they're like i show it to all my friends and i'm like oh thanks man well you know it is my bit yeah i had a i had a bit one time that uh this is the best way i've ever heard somebody handle one of these like oh we have a joke in common i had a bit that was kind of similar to fitz's fits fits uh greg fitzsimmons fitz daug had a bit and he was working out this new bit at the improv or something and i walked up to him afterwards and i was like hey man i just want to tell you we kind of have this like weirdly there's one link that's pretty similar in this bit and that's how a friend handles it you know you just

yeah someone you go hey dude we do this weird there's something i just want to let you know it's not the same but and literally fitz goes oh, really? I go, yeah. And he goes, oh, man, who does it better? And I was like, oh, you do. And he goes, okay, that's all I want to know. He goes, as long as I do it better, then I don't fucking care. He's so funny. Yeah, and it was. Unfortunately, his take was better.

So it was annoying because he was right. Like, he had never seen mine. He was joking around. But my ego check set off where i was like yeah his version is funnier that is a yeah that's a very real moment though who's better you go oh wait a minute fuck is this better yeah like have you ever had a joke that someone else has done that you never talked about did you ever like that you never approached them on where you're like uh it's close but i that close. I've tried to go...

I remember being at the improv on Melrose and seeing somebody... They had a premise that I'd already done and recorded and everything. Oh, you put it out already. And so I was like, do I say something? And I was like, hey, just so you know, I have a bit that like tackles the

same topic immediately people get defensive they're like oh i'll stop do i go no you don't stop doing anything right i'm just letting you know just in case that it's out there and another time i told somebody uh that kind of thing where i go um i'm doing a bit like this and then they were like okay um should, should I stop? I go, look, they're different jokes. Yeah. I'm just letting you know because you know I'm here tonight that when you see me do it, it wasn't from tonight me going like,

no, that's a great, like, you have to like let them know. Like, hey, man, I'm already doing this bit. Yeah. You know, I've done that. I mean, my favorite, I've told this story before but like I bet I did a bit over ten years ago on an album and it came out and then Mulaney did us like the same topic and he's like you know the perfect comedian so there was like he's every all his bits are great so people started it hit me up.

This was like a while ago. Oh, cool Mulaney bit you did. What was it, by the way? It was a midget N-word comparison. I'm doing that bit right now. Do it. Run with it. It's brand new.

So I did it. Did you say the N-word? Yeah. I say it over and over and over. I say it like 45 times. My bit is I don't say the M-word because the M-word is offensive to me. Which is, ah, little. I say little I don't say the M word because the M word's offensive to me. Which is, ah. Little.

I say little person. I think the M word is disgusting. But the N word I'll say a thousand times. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I say that a bunch and then I say, but little LP. I'll say LP. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But he did a bit like that and then. Well, he did, we did the, the similarity is that the comparison, the premise is the same. Sure. Comparing the two gravity of the words. We're both probably like, I don't know, man, like 29 or something.

Right. Like at the time and whatever. It comes out on an album. I do it on a half hour special. He does his, I think, on an album and a special. They're not the same joke, but they are the same, you know. Set up a little bit. Set up a little bit. Yeah, right. album in a special they're not the same joke but they are the same you know set up set up yeah right and i like you know we weren't living on the same coasts even but the funny thing was people

i would get messages like you stole this from him so i had never seen his so i look it up and it's great of course it's yeah i'm sure it's good it's great um but then i was like well when did he come out and his came out after so it was like such a joy. Oh, I know. To write back to people. So normally I was like. 2004. You just put it in there.

I just was like, hey, did you ever check these release dates out? And then one guy wrote back, oh. Oh. Yeah. Ah, fuck. But of course, I never thought. I knew he didn't take it from me. It's like that that premise

for a joke could be thought of by anyone but it's just like your execution of it right how you follow through he did something in the store and his by the way is so much more refined and thoughtful and mine's more crude right stupid his is like his is like a um a french bistro yeah you're like a a mess hall you're like a there's food on the floor yeah it's disgusting it's disgusting yeah yeah no i i he did a joke one time that that was working it out and i think he ended up putting it on something but he came he was at the store and it made me so fucking mad because i literally had written that thing down yeah a week before i'm not kidding we watch we watch Family Feud religiously at my house we love it it's my favorite thing to keep on cuz

Steve Harvey is the funniest backhanded compliment passive-aggressive yeah like so mean like so quietly mean like one time a woman goes on the question was or the category was favorite country to vacation to and a woman goes we're gonna go with africa steve and he looks at the he like slow pans to the camera and he just stares for i mean no no shit like 20 seconds of tv time and they let it sit and he goes your favorite country to vacation to is africa and even they're like starting to sink in yeah yeah and he goes don't show me africa and it's like man and he just turns back to the camera and it's like so mean for a tv host to be mean to their yeah to the guests people who are thrilled to be there

they're so excited trying so i love this dude so i said one night we're watching it and he's being he's like berating these people and i go it's it's like why does family feud always have a war between a black family and a white family yeah it's this weird race where it's all it can't be two black families can't be two white families it's always black white so i wrote down something along those lines of like um if you want to know the status of of race relations in america just watch family feud because it's black versus white and feel how different their answers are yeah where they're and he i see him at the store and he says uh something to the effect john does yeah and he says something to the effect of a week or so later he's's in town, and he goes,

nothing in life is black and white. Nothing, of course, unless you are contestants on the Family Feud. And he goes into this whole bit, and I was like, fuck me. I don't know if he ever ended up doing it on something. Well, I saw him at Melrose another time doing stuff that was clearly in its infancy right and it was it was better than everybody's set everyone's well-formed yeah two-year bit like every time i was like such a like such it was either such an interesting thought such a funny take such an original spin i was like and then i walked out of there and i was like, dude, that was great. And I go, I loved, and I couldn't like cite it. I was like, it was all good.

It's all good. Every piece of it was very, you're very talented. Yeah. I want to dive back into this real fast, honestly, because now I'm interested. Are you an old school like underground hip fan? Did you like backpack hip hop? Or no, that wasn't your shit? I mean, some underground stuff. I'm 41.

So when I was eight and nine and first buying tapes and stuff, there was a rap section in music stores. There was 10 groups. So I just owned all of them. Yeah, that was your like i just had i had public enemy epmd eric b and rakim queen latifah big daddy kane the fat boys run dmc like that's how i started right and then it just kind of expanded from there you know so right but did you ever have like did you ever get into like um in the late 90s well i should say maybe the mid to late 90s is when like backpack

rap kind of took off quote-unquote backpack hip-hop like a lot of it's actually growing up in chicago for me it was like the midwest rap scene of guys like atmosphere and the rhymesayers guy and rhymesayers crew and brother ali and mediocre and uh um as Aesop Rock prior to Aesop Rocky, which is so funny that Aesop Rocky became this super famous name. When I was a kid, Aesop Rock was an underground hip hop artist who I was obsessed with, who painted pictures verbally similar to the way that Ghostface ghostface does like in this very like weird thematically off but like it's i still know exactly what he's talking about yeah it's really strange it's beautiful the way he did it but all those guys i really got into heavily i mean i've

talked about it before but i spent every last dime at this old record store at asu's campus called hoodlums i every dime i made from work i would go buy shit from hoodlums music of any kind until the guys finally respected me you know when you go to like earn a respect of something like that and the guys are like he's in here all the time he knows kind of what he's talking about yeah it'd be cool to him and then they would finally give me early drops or they would tell me about guys like mr lif or all this stuff and then i got i got obsessive i got to a point when it was like honestly for a poor kid like i had no money in when i was in school it was a bad habit i was

spending like 500 a week on what music or going to shows oh dude it was obsessive it was it was almost unfortunate how much money i was spending on if i was talking to a girl i'd be you got to come to a show with me you know like we'd have to go to a show because if she didn't like hip hop, I was like, this girl's fucking trash. Like I immediately was like, you don't like hip hop? You fucking,

you're, you don't, you don't know music. Yeah. It like overtook my life. So I, I just didn't know if you had any of those like

underground hip hop guys that you really got sunk into. And a lot of those guys, by the way, are still around. Yeah. Some of the, I mean,

dude, I, I made a thing as a joke when I, I, uh, when I tried to fuck with Bert, uh, i fuck with him all the time but he's your handicapped friend yeah yeah yeah i've seen that i do a thing with i help him out i put him on a show like his whole career no like he he has special you know needs right right and so he's like you know will you

work with me so it's like a volunteer thing i bring him in i do a podcast but like it's basically like helping him you know yeah yeah no no i i've seen and a lot of people on the internet often say uh there's a quote if you've i don't know if you've seen it i've interviewed comments but it's always said um they call it cool charity i didn't know what that was and it's i guess there's a thing called cool charity it's a it's a charity called cool charity and it's money to keep funding you helping bert because they're afraid that at some point you'll get over it and get sick of it yeah i think that's i imagine you probably feel a certain way about bobby yeah no uh bobby to me is bobby isn't my bert to you though because to you and bert like you there's love in your heart for him absolutely and with bobby it's more like um i i literally i hate him as a human as a

comedian and i'm doing it because it's a debt that i owe and i and i owe i have a i have 185 000 outstanding debt at caesar's in vegas yeah and I just got to recoup some of that money back. So this is a thing I just need to do. Also, the state gives me $45 a month to watch over him. I have to check in on him twice a day. But that's like gas money, right? Yeah, yeah, but honestly, it's just troubling because when you have to wake him up, you have to put him to bed,

you have to clean him, and cleaning him is the hardest. Do you have to clean Bert? No, so you have to clean Bob. And washing him is tough because he's squirmy squeamish you know you get him in the tub yeah but they freak out what he hates water tubby yes and and when he gets in there he panics and he doesn't like shampoo time and when we dry him off it's tough so it's it's a challenge but you know i'm willing to do know, I'm willing to do it. Yeah. I'm willing to do it because I'm a nice guy and I do care about, you know. Not him, but like maybe other people. Other people, yeah, around him or repaying my debts in any semblance, you know.

I like that. Are you done having kids? Yeah. This is it forever? Did you get... I'm going to. You are? Yeah, I'm going to.

Are you not scared of that? In like a month. I had my appointment yesterday for the consult. Guess what? Huh? I have a hornea. You're so horny you not scared of that? In like a month. I had my appointment yesterday for the consult. Guess what? Huh? I have a hornea. You're so horny you have a hernia? Yep.

When you're a hornball, you just get horneas? Yeah, they go, it's a hornea. And I go, what's that? They're like, it's a hernia from being horny. Oh. Mm-hmm. So you're such like a sexual dynamo. Yeah.

That your body just pushes out stress and it turns into a hernia. They're going to fix my hernia and give me a vasectomy at the same time. Where'd you get the hernia from? So I'm on like nine weeks. I just jumped into a power lifting. Why are you doing that? Because I was just fucking, I wanted something like different and...

We crossed the threshold of when that's not okay anymore. I mean, I know. I just was like bored and I'm doing like... I think 35 is the number when you're like, I can't be doing power lifting. I think that I fucking did I just was like bored. And I'm doing like- I think 35 is the number when you're like, I can't be doing power.

I think that I fucking did it in the last nine weeks. Because I'm in week nine of this program. Right. And I went from doing like functional fitness with a trainer. Yeah. To deadlifting three days a week, squatting, doing overhead press. Are you enjoying it? Yeah, I like it.

You do? I like it. And the sad thing is that like I've made, in nine weeks, I've made pretty crazy progress. Yeah. And I will lose all of it when I do the surgery. And also yesterday after I got my, like they were like, you have a hernia? I was like, I told the doctor. You never felt anything?

I didn't feel it. He was like, it's small. But he's like, it's going to get worse. You have to fix it. I'm like, well, I tell him, obviously, I'm doing this program. Can I keep lifting? He was like, yeah. He's like, you can keep lifting.

I go. With the hernia? That's what I'm saying. I'm like, but wouldn't it get worse? He's like, yeah. And I go, so should I keep lifting? He's like, I don't know. I'm a doctor, dude.

I'm not your friend. Yeah. I go, well, but I mean, I go, i'm not saying i'm not a strong man category but i'm lifting heavy weight yeah i'm doing reps with 300 pounds on dead like i'm doing reps with it that's heavy as fuck it's pretty heavy yeah but i go and i go and i i'm saying it feels heavy to me it's not about like sure sure like to me some guy at home is like bullshit dude of course so i'm like the strain is i go it's full body strength i can feel my body being like holy shit every time i complete a set of this right and i go and now it's going to be in my head

that my organs are popping through a cavity he's like like, yeah, she's going to have to see what happens. I'm like... Dude, I love, by the way, this is literally a few days ago, I went in to go to the orthopedist to go see about my leg. I've torn ligaments in this leg playing basketball. And I re-injured it. I have like a... The tendon has spiraled,

so now it's bruised. So for two weeks, I i was how old are you on it 36 go ahead no no just just i'm just saying like i know it'll be like it's gonna be worse it's gonna get worse how it all happened i know dude and so i go in but i love the the nonchalant now of doctors and i think it's because of what's going on in the world that they kind of don't give a fuck as much as they used to about like like that like he was like dude lift if you want to lift what do you want me to fucking say that they're done being the guy that goes uh you know remember when the phrase used to come out uh when they would go they said i'd never walk again i think doctors are done calling their shot they

don't want to babe ruth something anymore because they don't want to be embarrassed and they're like and i walked again dr zeering so what dude, they don't want to be that anymore because this doctor, she goes, we need to take x-rays. So she takes x-rays. And I said, well, I didn't break it before. I tore the ligament so bad that they thought it was broken because the bruising was insane. And she takes x-rays. She's like, yeah, you didn't break anything. And there's no irregular tendon placement.

So you didn't really tear much. but it's just like the twist and the bruising right so then i said well i'm in this like i'm in this golf tournament and i like really want to play like is that are you going to tell me i'm not so excited to play and she goes oh no you i mean when is it and i was like that's tomorrow it was literally the following day yeah and she's like no yeah i just i mean good you can play just are you gonna wrap it she she was like that's tomorrow it was literally the following day yeah and she's like no yeah i just i mean go ahead you can play just are you gonna wrap it she she was like are you gonna wrap it i'm like should i she goes yeah i was like what the what the fuck i was like are you just like leaving it up to me and she goes yeah i mean look you you can do you play golf a lot yeah a lot a lot a lot dude a lot i know i've talked about it on here i'm joining a club joining

a club i know i'm a little embarrassed a nice one'm joining a club. I know I'm a little embarrassed. A nice one? Yeah, it's a nice one. I'm a little embarrassed about it because I never came from country club lifestyle. You love golf though. I love it so fucking much. Here's the thing. If you get me out there, I would become the junkie. Yeah, see?

I played golf when I was end of high school going into college. My parents at the time lived on a golf course. Oh, you grew up on a golf course. Well, no. They moved there as I was going to college. You grew up on a Frisbee golf course when you were younger. That's right. Right.

And then I went to visit them, and I had the summer free. I was working, but I had a lot of time. And then they live on the course, so I can just walk. Walk on. And I started to play. And here's what I got to. I got to the point where I could join you for a round of golf and not feel humiliated. Oh, dude, let's go. Well, no, that's then. Oh, yes. Sorry. Yes, right. Then I played a little more. Then it was one of those things where the next time I played golf

was like a year later. and I would just slice everything. Yeah, when you take time off, it's, it's, it really falls apart. It fucks up. Well,

dude, and it's funny, as I've gotten older, I've, I've had people go, oh, I didn't even know you played golf.

Like some people that know me well are like, I don't know, because I go by myself a lot or I go with comics I know that golf. Who golfs?

A lot of us. I mean, first of all, Scoville, to bring him up again, Rory, Jay Larson, Chris Porter,

Brad Williams, Jimmy Schubert. I played with KP Anderson. Do you know KP? Yeah, I know KP. My God, dude. It's literally an endless list of guys. Who's good? Who's really good?

Court McCown is the best. Oh, yeah. I knew that. Because he was a cat. I knew that. Court, by far, is the best. He's, like, legit. He's a scratch golfer. He's fucking phenomenal. Wow. Yeah, he beats the. Because he was a cat. I knew that. Court by far is the best. He's like legit. He's a scratch golfer.

He's fucking phenomenal. Wow. Yeah, he beats the shit out of everybody we play. When we play and people talk big game, then we put up money, we play money games. And it's never big because I don't feel like losing money to a guy that's that good. Yeah. I'll lose money to a friend that's my level. Yeah.

But he beats the shit out of us. He is so good, it's like annoying. But I'm better than him at comedy, so that feels good. And then Rob Riggle is a good golfer. He is? Yeah, Rob's a good golfer. I'm trying to think of some...

There's sneaky guys that are actually good that don't really... Golf is always this kind of like... Bert's kind of sneaky. Is he good? What we did is we went to Topgolf in Atlanta. Yes. And the three, it was the three

it was uh he and me and and uh ari and i thought we were going to go for like 35 minutes like it was one of those things where i was like you want to have lunch yeah yeah do we stay there like six and a half hours oh dude i've been there it's a top i've spent two three hours at top golf so it's so fun but and i'm what i'm saying is that like you know obviously it's not the same as playing golf but you could tell after a while who has a nice stroke like and especially because those places they have you they have the variations in game yes so it's like all right this time we're trying to do this everything we were trying to do i mean you know he'd have he fucked up shots but then like he was consistently hitting stuff he's a sneaky athlete he's a sneaky athlete he's like

um but then he do you see his post the other day where he raced that dude he raced the bus driver He's consistently hitting stuff. He's a sneaky athlete, dude. He's a sneaky athlete. He's like... But then, did you see his post the other day? Where he raced that dude? He raced the bus driver. I know, I saw that. And I was like... He called me before he posted it. He's like, I lost in a foot race to Ron.

I go, you lost to fucking Ron? Yeah. And he was like, yeah. I go, how? And then he shows them. It's like they both have their drinking bellies and like... It's... By the way...

But also, he runs upright. Up straight up. I noticed that. Hisies. By the way. But also he runs upright. Up straight up. I noticed that. His neck is at the sky. I was like, dude, bend down and go forward. Ron did beat him. It was very close. It was very close.

It was very close. But it felt so good that Ron won. I know. Dude, when I started watching the video, that's so funny. I started watching it and I was like, I don't want him to win this. And of course, because he was like. I don't want him to lose. I love that he left in the stuff before he's like i'm gonna kill him like yeah

no yeah and then he's like well i already ran today which is the first things when somebody's like whenever that dude competition thing happens between men whenever we do that thing where they're like you can't hit that shot and it's like okay well i worked out earlier so of course i'm tired like you know the excuses flow he is Burt's a sneaky athlete the way that I used to feel about Paul Pierce like Paul Pierce has that body

where you're like this guy's he looks like a dude I know like he's just bigger and kind of slovenly but he's unbelievably athletic Burt would not surprise me

on the golf course I bet you he's very good there's guys that I play with I'm not going to mention names that have dog shit dumpy awful bodies I mean dude completely out of shape and actually unathletic as fuck guys that i play with yeah i'm not going to mention names that have dog shit dumpy awful bodies i mean dude completely out of shape and actually unathletic as fuck they couldn't throw

a baseball they couldn't throw a football but out there they're phenomenal yeah it's something about he can dial it in for golf like golf like he talks a lot of shit for everything and you're like you can't do any of these things but in golf if you were to be like, this matters, you need to play well today. He'll turn on. He would be able to play good. He's got that thing. He has that like, he's got that forever focus where you're like, well, I'll just commit everything

I have to something. One of my favorite stories is when I was getting to know him, we went to Hawaii. This is like 2008. And so I didn't really, you know, we're hanging out there doing this show together and I was like, oh, did you play uh i can't even say i go did you play football in high school and he was like i was supposed to be like the next great player there but i got injured i was like who

what what what do you mean supposed to be what do you mean he was like no i was like he's like i was really good at baseball and i was like uh-huh and then like i was supposed to be like they were expecting me to be like the next like all-state player and i was like why would they expect that yeah he's like because i was just like so good at other things but then like i hurt my shoulder and i was like this guy that's why they thought you were gonna be the next great thing just like just because you were good at stuff? Expectations that you'll be an amazing athlete at something. You see this guy in layup drills in gym class. You know he'll be good.

You know he's going to be in all-state football, but there's no doubt about it. Did you go to school with pro athletes ever? I played against one. I had Heath Evans on my podcast. Oh, you went to high school with him? I went to rival high school. Okay.

You know what was amazing? I was thinking rival high school. Okay. And you know what was amazing? I was thinking about this yesterday. I still can't, because it would amaze me watching The Last Dance with Jordan. I was like, how does he remember? He was like, then 1985, the third game of the season, I went for this layup. I'm like, you remember that. You played like 3,000 games. And so with Heath, my football career ends as a senior in high school.

So I go, well, my memories of those will be more clear to me. He went to Auburn, and then he played 10 seasons in the NFL. And I had him on. I was like, I don't know if you remember, but sophomore year, he's like, yeah, we beat you guys, or you guys beat us, but I had 156 yards. I was like, wait a minute, what? Like, dialed that shit in dude he remembered it exactly that to me this is a great point dude that is the definitive

difference that i've noticed between people that are pro athletes yeah and just guys that played up to a certain level because i know guys that played sports in college they don't remember much they remember a good amount yeah but pros for some reason they'll name you the fucking second game of high school they'll go yeah i made uh made varsity when i was a freshman and i dropped six and i got benched because i i was close to fouling out and you're like how could you fucking dude he remembered like so he went to a garbage uh football team high school it was a place called king's academy in palm beach florida trash Well, they were just a horrible football team. Right. But they had him.

Right, right. But, like, so we beat them every year. Yeah. But he, like, you would, we all knew his name in high school. You know what it is when you know an opposing player's name? I remember, dude. Yes. And you're like, there's Heath.

Right. Like, in high school. Ah. And he was like, I told him, I was like, I remember that hitting him, because his line was terrible. He was a running back. Hitting him in the backfield felt like somebody had a vault door, and they just threw it in your face.

You were like, oh my God. It didn't feel like hitting anybody else that I ever hit, and I was like, dude, I remember the feeling of hitting you that it was like jesus like that guy is a fucking some people are made i think i think like whether or not you believe whatever you believe in god in the universe like i just you just know if you've ever faced a pro athlete at any point in your sporting career you just can tell that they're made different they're made different they're just they're like we are we're different than you and you know right away you're like oh their resiliency the strength like

there's little things where you go holy shit you're this is supposed to happen yeah this isn't i worked really hard i mean they do but it's also like this is i built this is the thing that happened and i just happened to be my high school had i mean in the in the four years i was there i think we had like eight pro athletes really and one olympian yeah well in chicago is chicago western suburbs of chicago yeah i went to high school in the western suburbs uh it was crazy my schools were huge there were like 4200 people big school and there were sister schools so they both had the same size class but it was like two two brothers that both played in the nfl well there's four nfl players but two

of them that were brothers which was insane and then um in the sister school uh uh candace parker who's like one of the best players of all time all time yeah and she dude she dunked in high school i remember when people used to joke about oh it was i remember footage of her dunking was on espn it was dude when she dunked in school, it wasn't even a surprise because people knew about it. So when it got national news that she was this phenom, people were like, yeah, we know. Her brother, Anthony Parker, was a pro NBA player, but no one talked about her because it was like, oh, it's his sister Candice. And then by the time she fucking sprouted in high school, not only did people know she was going was going to be a pro athlete they were like watch what she does dude she used to beat the shit out of the boys team beat i mean like beat the shit out of the boys team and they had good ball players too

she was just like a new level different yeah when you watch it for the first time you go holy fuck i remember before we transferred i moved to florida from milwaukee and i went to a big public high school in milwaukee where in milwaukee where did you live uh in mekwan really yeah i didn't know you ever lived in wisconsin yeah you that's why i like i like you and i hate you yeah and i can know that's why you know why florida i like you it doesn't bother me yeah wisconsin i know why i hate you yep mekwan mek man. I went to Homestead High School there. You did? How long were you there for? Well, I went there for seventh grade, eighth grade, and then the first semester of ninth

grade. And so I remember that when I left middle school, by the way, I'm so annoyed at these fucking, they're like, class of 2020, and it goes middle school, and you're like, you're really going to post that? Not a real thing. My kid finished eighth grade that not a real thing my kid finished eighth grade not a real thing so anyway i uh we transferred to or you move from middle school to the high school high school at the time med school was pretty big it was like between 2,500 and 3,000 kids right it's pretty big that's big it's pretty big high

school yeah and you know you you start like i was I was playing a lot, a lot of basketball. And I was like a lean, pretty tall eighth grader. Yeah. Playing basketball, pickup games every day, front yard every day. And I remember one day we went to the gym at Homestead, and there was a pickup game going on. And this guy, there was two guys, one guy named Ofuma obitua who ofuma obitua yeah yeah and i know i know how he had fucked off with athletics he had a big gut uh and like gave up he kind of

gave up but he's playing this game shirtless with his gut like bouncing and he did a 360 dunk fuck off and we were like oh my god and then another kid whose name i don't remember he went on a fast break and i found out he was a junior in high school and on the fast break he cupped the ball here and did a full like a jordan and then we were like oh my and we were like is this what high school's like yeah because. Because like this will be demoralizing. It is though. And that's when you start going, when you go, ah, fucking tennis is cool. Yeah.

That's when like golf for me. Yeah, you're like. High school's when I really fell in love with golf. Yeah. Because I was like, I don't think, I don't think I can play basketball much longer. See, for me, like the basketball thing is more demoralizing. Like in football, you know, yeah. It's like we had a when i in football

i had the 100 meter track champion on my team so like you're just like you're like you see him you're like yeah i'm never gonna catch him yeah but he's also on my team yeah that's just and you just watch me like holy shit he's so fast but then like with like with power like with heath and like there's other like i played against some all-american linemen i don't know you just kind of go like yeah i got i got owned this play but the next play maybe you get one on them sure and there's something that for some reason in basketball if you're playing with people who are like way on another level yeah it's embarrassing it's so embarrassed it is so demoralizing to have somebody just like shove you and then dunk and then their dicks in your face and you're like fuck it dude baron davis and i did a show together we

became buddies and i went and played uh with them one time just for fun yeah it's not fun it's not fun it's not fucking fun even if you're like i'll just stand at the key i'll just jack up a three when somebody gives me the ball because they feel bad because, you know, orange whitey is open. Yeah. And even then, it's not fun. Yeah. Because you miss by a mile and they make fun of you. Yeah.

And then the opposing team makes fun of you and then your team goes, what the fuck are you shooting that shit? Yeah. And you're like, okay, I'm going to sit down. Yeah. I just don't want to. It's like you realize how much better you need to be to continue to play those kind of sports in life. So bring it back around.

That's why I love golf. Golf. Golf's great, man. I don't need to fucking do things. I just can be good at my little thing. You know, it's a gentleman's sport. Yeah. And like, even if you love it for the, because I know it's addictive.

Like, I haven't played in a long time now. It's addictive and you're outside and beautiful. But you can meet like so many incredible people dude that's my favorite part by the way a lot of that's the thing about clubs which is kind of nice is like a lot of old athletes that live in la they have they join clubs yeah so you get to meet guys and you know i'm at no liberty to say but like when you you're like oh shit he played it's just a cool thing to see old athletes because this is another thing

that no one knows about old athletes. I don't care what color you are, if you played pro sports, when you're done, you play golf. Yeah. Every single one of them.

It used to be this white sport, not anymore, dude. A lot of these cool old Hollywood dudes play golf. Yes. Yeah, they all do. Yeah.

Yeah. It's pretty cool. Pesci. Pesci, Stallone plays. P stallone plays a lot so i'm just like it was like what a cool what a what a cool interesting world to like it makes you level at some degree of like yeah you're you're here because of your acumen of our business but when we go play golf if i can beat you there yeah it's incredible like that shit feels fucking awesome but yeah when you're like oh dude i'm better than you at this little thing this thing you're better than me at all the other stuff

yeah but yeah no i i i got into it years and years ago and i've kind of you know i've always played it but now i'm getting more into it because are you playing more in quarantine way more yeah way you've gotten better i have but also uh it's been tough because la opened way after a lot of other like ventura county all these other they opened up and then la was like can you show up and play alone where you play or no or you have to get into a um like well i'm not a member yet so i just can't go yeah but at a public course i go i play alone all the. And that's not a big deal? Nope. My wife makes fun of me. I like it. I used to play that a lot.

I love it. I just will go out, you know, if it's early enough, if I want to knock it out in the morning, I'll go out. They may pair me up with one guy. I played with, when I played that summer, goddammit, this famous author. Who was that? Dude, I got it. I could look it up.

Ray Kurzweil. there you go uh stephen king uh this is how many books i've read i'm gonna text right now yeah see if i can answer while we're doing yeah that's good okay hold on in here we pour whiskey gentlemen listen up i know you want to smell good i know you want to look good and feel good there's a brand new company that's offering a solution to all of your problems in this area. They're called Hawthorne. Hawthorne is incredible stuff. You get online, you take a two-minute quiz. It takes no time at all to run through it. Easy answers. You tell them what cologne you're used to wearing, what deodorant you use, body wash, shampoo, and they create a package that's right for you. I tried it. I was skeptic. I'm not going to lie. And I was like,

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And use the promo code WHISKEY. Get 10% off and smell better. Back to the episode. Ginger. I like gingers. Wait, let me transition to something else. i used to talk about this on the show all the time and now i don't anymore do you remember your first time that you got drunk because i know you have a relative memory of that yeah of when you first got fucked up yeah

what is it can you tell me yeah yeah um and tom is texting his agent right now and i can see it reflecting off of his eyes, and it says, get me out of her, and he spelled here wrong. What an idiot. He spelled it H-E-A-R. What an idiot!

I hope nobody calls in a moment. It makes me leave. First time I got drunk drunk, the first time I got absolutely shit-faced, I was 14. I mean, like, really fucked up. 14? Yeah.

We used to do an age scale thing on the show of who got drunk the youngest. And I think 14 might be it because I'm 14 just about to turn 15. It was my almost 15th birthday. You're 14? That's young. I was pretty young. And I was in Cusco, Peru. Cusco, Peru.

Yeah. And I was with my cousin, my American cousin, Brian, and my Peruvian cousin, Juan Luis. Wait a minute. Juan Luis wasn't the American cousin? No. He's the Peruvian. He was? Yeah.

That'd be so great. You'd be like, my American cousin. My American cousin, Juan Luis, and this Indian guy, Brian. So I got absolutely... guy brian um so i got absolutely i mean they would have they probably should have put me in the hospital have you tasted booze before that i tasted booze and i had a couple drinks before but i'd never gone full bore full bore and i was having pisco which is like i don't know what that is the nash it's kind of like the the national uh liquor pisco pisco p-i-s-c-o is it is it a clear liquor or dark clear okay um and there's like uh i guess it's considered a i think it's considered a rice

liquor you know how they make liquors of different yeah yeah sure sure um i'm trying to just well you know like like like rice wines or like like okay sorry Okay, sorry. Colorless or yellowish to amber colored brandy produced in winemaking regions of Peru and Chile made by distilling fermented grape juice.

Yeah. Sorry. So I'm just letting you know what it is. No, but I like that. I like to know. I used to, so I had sampled,

they have a drink, it's a very famous drink called Pisco Sour. Pisco Sour. Yeah, and it's like the national. And everybody has it. I mean, yeah, it's a staple of the. Does it taste good? yeah and it's like the national and everybody has it oh i mean yeah it's a staple of the does it taste good yeah it's great oh it does oh it's

delicious so we start drinking them and my older cousin who lives down there is probably man like at least 10 years older than me so he's probably like 25 26 at the time he's got a chaperone making sure we're all like we're big boys so he's probably 25, 26 at the time. He's got a chaperone, making sure we're all right. We're big boys, but he's the adult. I don't remember so much when things turned, but I remember that I just stopped speaking English. You speak Spanish? Only Spanish.

And my American cousin was like, you were berating me for my my poor spanish but you did it in spanish and um then i i had a jacket on it gets cold it's up in the mountains there and um i lost it at a bar and then i just cried about my jacket and and they had to like care i mean i threw up on the streets and they had to carry me back to the hotel and i was bawling about my jacket yeah you missed that fucking i missed that jacket and then i would just turn to my cousin and i was like you're you only speak english by the way belligerent i bet you woke up the next morning and you felt fine yeah those days are so

fucking far gone they're gone i miss Like, I miss the idea of just... Those two sips will fuck me up for a week. Really? No. No, but seriously, some people are like, I have one drink and I'm not feeling well. If I have booze, like, I can have a couple beers, fine. More than three, it's like a problem.

Yeah, I don't have beers anymore because of that. Wine is like the only thing I feel like I don't really think about it afterwards yeah but if i have like two bourbons i'm it's not that i'm fucked up it's that the next day i'm like oh man like i don't feel great your energy's bad yeah i don't feel good there's something about it that like that uh that but because wine is typically accompanied with meal, right? Yeah. So you're going to have food with it. Where bourbons, I've sat at home on a stomach where I haven't eaten my dinner and just had a couple of sips, had a couple of sips, had a couple of sips,

and then the old bag is like, let's go do something. And then we go do something somewhere, and then it turns into like, I've had a night of bourbon, and the next day is ruined. I never used to be that guy where it was like, it ruined the now if i have too many i officially ruin a day which didn't exist back in the day i was like it ruins the day yeah ruins the day the day is beat i hate that sucks yeah no i can't do it anymore it's just a bummer i don't know like the body because oh yeah we were talking about you know things like uh right before i started that power lifting plan yeah i was doing i was getting zoom trained at home yeah and the guy was having me do a uh interval thing where it was like interval training

is great yeah but so one of the one of the like sequences was it was a barbell with lightweight on it but it was supposed to you were supposed to like clean and just press it overhead right but like rapid fire like go go go go go for 40 seconds he's like keep going keep going keep going i remembered that i had one of them up and i think i got lazy with it i just kind of dropped my shoulder and i was like oh that feels like it has not felt the same since it's been a few months now up tight up here it's somewhere in my shoulder shoulder and like i there's certain positions where i can feel it in right clicking and i'm like something's wrong ah so i told my doctor i was like like i don't know

what it is and i've continued to work out but there's death it's definitely something's wrong with my left shoulder right and he was like uh just uh go to this guy i'll give you a shot and i was like but are we gonna find out what's wrong with it he's like he's like just get the shot shut the fuck up and go get the shot i go so should i keep working out and of course he's like yeah yeah he's like dude you're gonna die yeah yeah work out i don't fucking care i don't care what you do i don't care what you eat. Yeah. Just get the shot and shut up.

Have you ever had that where a doctor says something that you know is bad advice? But like, we had a friend who's a doctor who goes, somebody ordered a turkey burger. We were out to lunch. I'll never forget. And he goes, oh, turkey burger. He's a doctor. Yeah. And he goes, turkey burger?

And the guy that we're with is like uh there's a bachelor party and he goes he goes yeah man i just know i don't fucking feel like red meat today and he was like annoyed that he you know because yeah i called him out yeah and he was like oh dude just get the burger like what's the do you like the taste more of a turkey burger he goes no dude i'm just trying to be a little more health conscious he goes as a doctor not your doctor but as a doctor i'm telling you the difference is minimal. Over the course of time, over the course of life, caloric, like fat content.

He's like describing all this stuff. And he's like, it just, it just doesn't matter. And I was like, oh shit. Like it just kind of had this like, it was just a check. He's like, because you're going to have fries and we're going to have 40 beers. Yeah. So the fucking 19 grams of fat you save yeah we'll make up for somewhere else just eat the fucking burger i'm your friend yeah and my wife

is that doctor yeah that's just like that's my life my life is like i made a good decision today she's like just fucking just i know croissants make you happy just eat i know but and she's right by the way i know that's the thing is's the thing is that like today I boxed this morning. What time? Did you box early? 10. I can't work out before 9. I don't like it.

But I can't do, I wouldn't do the lifting thing then. I can do the, it's because it's more like a cardio. Cardio workout, yeah, yeah, yeah. That to me, I don't like to do it. I don't like that 8 a.m. shit. Fuck that. That's insane. But I can do 10, 11.

But anyways, I do it and you know whatever i probably burned like 600 calories a lot yeah yeah a lot it's you know you're just pouring sweat and i come inside and then my wife's like i'm gonna try these cookies and i'm like i just like you see me soaking wet she's like she's always like always like, what, is it going to kill you? Yeah. I'm like, I know, but like, can't you just imply? No, she's right. Yeah.

She's right. Like, my dad just did this to me. My old man goes, this is my favorite. This is how my dad thinks now. Now that he, like, my dad's been retired, this is like everything to my dad. He'll find something that proves, dads do this in general. They find something that proves what they already wanted to believe. Like, he goes, I read this article on golf digest uh you know tiger after all this

working out and all these injuries he says that he almost wishes he never worked out because now he's in so much pain it's like did it really help who knows i'm like dad that's insane rhetoric like first of all what he's saying is he wish he didn't worked out that hard that hard as he did yeah and my dad's like i don't know sounds like he wish he never worked out because my dad's trying to mail in the workout and my mom is like no because now that he's retired he won't do he's doing a lot less i mean he's he's come back a little bit but for a while the moment my dad retired he was like fuck everybody he was like give me a drink give me a bratwurst i'm gonna watch tv he just didn't want to do he's loving

it yeah he was loving it dude finally he deserved it he worked his whole fucking life and he got fucked over uh he got fired from a company he worked for for three decades uh don't ever use turtle wax car wash i've said that once i'll say it again i've used it don't ever use it again use mcguire's use anybody else use anybody mothers use anybody you want okay yeah they fired my dad they fired my dad after like you know three decades yeah unemployment yeah the company was folding it's a family-owned company uh they'll be buried by the time this podcast comes out but no it's just it's just my dad's loyalty was insane to the company and that was also why i've said this before why my dad was so into me doing what we do. Because he was like, yeah, you're your own boss.

Yeah, it's great. It's the best. You're your own victim and you're your own victor. So there's no one to blame and you can take the credit, which is nice. He's like, don't ever spend your whole life working for someone who doesn't give a fuck about you. Which is what... So true. I know, dude. It was weird to hear because my old man was he's kind of by the book guy and he's like i say it all the time too man i mean i endorse like that aspect of what we do it like

really resonates with me yeah like i don't like people you know sometimes people like what would you be doing i was like i would own my own business i know that yeah i don't want to work well if i wasn't doing there's nothing wrong with working for someone else. No, there's not. Just remember, there's a good chance they don't give a fuck about your well-being. Like when you work for some big company or corporation or whatever, you got to do whatever any American has to do. But that proved to me that, man, these companies, they'll fucking spit you out after you were like, I'm loyal to you.

I'm loyal to you. I'm loyal to you. And they're like, cool, man. Thanks for the eight billion dollars over the course of so many years fuck off i've had my uncle got super fucked by a company he basically built yeah he built oh he built yeah like he was there the guy that built this independent company up and and they don't give a shit no give a shit this is who i played golf with uh 20 years ago i can't believe he's alive wow and um can i say his name sure this is this is stewart woods an american novelist by the way he's got a lot of 82 years old he's he's he's he's a book god yeah oh dude i know i've seen

this guy's books yeah you recognize these stewart woods books because you've seen them in like airports uh kiosk spindles. Massive. Yeah, dude. He's one of these guys that does... Like thrillers, right? Yeah, they're like crime thriller drama books. That's exactly what they are.

I've seen a million of these. I had this like... He always looks like... By the way, this guy at home, we're going to put up a photo so you can see what he looks like. They always look like that. They always look like that, yeah. Why? Is that like the pro athlete theory where you're home, we're going to put up a photo so you can see what he looks like. They always look like that. They always look like that, yeah. Why? Is that like the pro athlete theory where you're like, they're born for that?

Oh, he was born to write books. I remember this, that I was mortified. Maybe you've had this experience where if you're not really good when you're young, I started playing golf, let's's say like i'm 17 or something sure and i was mortified to play with other people because i knew i wasn't good right and then that that summer i get to playing like where my parents live and i got to that point where i was you know getting better getting better and feeling a little more confident we're like i just don't want to embarrass like i don't want to be like people would see me and they would go like you know they would go this guy can

fucking go i don't know why like they're like you can rip when i say you hold your yeah and i was like shit i'll just be like embarrassed i'm gonna let you down so i'm playing with my dad and your dad a good golfer he's like a lifelong goal he's all right you know okay he doesn't really play anymore but you know he would like in a on on a good day, he would shoot in the 80s. But on average, he'd probably shoot in like high 80s, 90s. But like competent, can play, can join a foursome and play. So he's definitely the veteran taking me out. And I'm playing with him one day.

And just the two of us. And then we come up on a hole. And there's a guy sitting in a golf cart that is not the golf cart that the course gives you it's like yeah it's like tricked out yeah yeah i love the fan on it yeah yeah yeah what the fuck and my dad's like that's he knows he goes that's stewart woods and i go what the fuck stewart woods he's like he's a like a big time author um and i go the author with a tricked out yeah i was like all right he's a fucking baller he's a baller and i go okay and so my dad recognizes him and

loves famous people celebrities so he was like he's like hey i have a couple of your books that's your dad that's my dad and stewart woods is like well you got like 12 more to go and uh and then he's like you mind if we play with you i'm like oh fuck and then the guy's like sure now i'm nervous that i'm going to embarrass myself in front of stewart woods american famous author who I don't know yeah he's like yeah sure you can play with me I'm like fuck

so he goes up there to tee off he shanks this shit so hard so hard and I was like yes and he puts another ball down

shanks that one perfect puts a third ball down shut up hooks it I was like what the fuck he does like he's like six of them

i don't think breakfast ball brunch ball yeah just and then i was like okay and then we you know whatever get on the fairway he just picks a spot throws one hits it fucks it up throws another one down hits it so i'm like dude he's gone through like 26 balls on this hole and my dad's just like he's an american novel he's a novel dude we play on this hole. And my dad's just like, I don't know. He's an American novelist. He's a novelist. Dude, we play a few holes with him, and then we're like, I think we're going to split because he's so bad that he's dragging us down. He's putting your game down?

Yeah. I was like, we're better than you. Hey, Stu, we're going to walk. We got to go. We got to take off because you're dog shit. All right, man. And if you think i'm full shitting orchid island i still fucking remember the course orchid island yeah that's

what it is yeah florida has a good place in my heart i've talked about it before it's where i lost my virginity you did marco island florida baby oh west coast that's right baby gulf side how old were you 16 16 16 16 pretty young yeah wait yeah 16 high school girlfriend traded a bottle of Captain Morgan rum

for the room key yeah we knew one dude that had a hotel nice I was like I'll give you a bottle of Captain Morgan rum

a handle if I can have the room key for a little while and he was like how long do you need it for I was like probably all night I get in there

it was like 26 minutes later i'm like all right we're gonna pack up and go back out there we just wanted to watch a show we wanted to watch one episode of law and order and now we're back yeah marco island florida i spent so as it was it a memorable experience like in a good way or no yeah actually because for both of us we were virgins so it was like we decided that that was our it was i was the same it was nice that it happened that way yeah that it was like we're my first time was her first time yeah because i hear the other way when people are like it was a nightmare i hear that from women women yeah it's always that way yeah no guy's ever like it was your 50th time it kind of would have been like how nice would it have been if your first time though was a chick like you know a few years older oh it was like let me just show you

what we like yes and you're like okay actually you know what it would have been great if i was like 20 and i waited and like a 42 year old yes he was like i'm gonna pump that dick suck your balls yeah that would have been the best no but we were both and then you'd be like sex is amazing and then all your sex would be a disappointment right everything else would be trash always yeah no we were we were both yeah florida had this uh we knew that's where it was it was like are we doing your vacation there spring break oh spring break yeah high school spring break well dude chicago kids florida is our mecca like florida is where you know because it's a snowbird you you know, all the Midwest people go down.

And California should be where we really end up going because too many people go to Florida. But no one can afford to go out there. But also Florida is like, I think about this a lot. It's so much easier to navigate. Oh yeah, dude. All that stuff. Oh yeah. The beaches.

Yep. The, anything you're trying to get to. And like, if you want to park somewhere it's easy in florida it's out here it's a fucking nightmare yeah that's exactly right it's like but as a kid also flying to california was daunting it's like yeah this is back when people didn't fly that much just to fly for you were like you you're gonna drive there so it was like we would drive to florida i mean we would go down there and i've been to marco santa bel all that like we would go to the islands if i and usually it was with somebody else's family because like

yeah my parents were like i'm not going down we're not paying anyone yeah so someone's good can i go with their family and they're like yeah get the fuck out of here go jump in their van and it was the road trip was half of the fun like all that stuff was fucking great yeah it was like kind of like that's what made the florida was great great yeah it was like kind of like that's what made the florida was great but getting there was great too which i don't think we'll ever have again because i don't think road trips unless the pandemic collapses the airline industry road trips just aren't a thing for like your kids generation won't really road trip no unless you for fun are like we'll go to the grand canyon whatever you won't you won't but like our generation it was

kind of like that was still a fun thing to go do the the uh uh uh why can't i think i'm the uh chevy chase what's wrong with me um chevy chase vacation yeah the original vacation it was like that's what america was at that time was like yeah we'll drive there you're like it's so far like isn't it weird that there's a chevy chase maryland yeah there's a chevy chase boulevard here yeah yeah well he is he that no is he that beloved i think that name means something i've said that before i'm like is that a thing and i'm too dumb to know that there was a guy named chevy chase we google it right now yeah well you google chevy chase because honestly there's a chevy chase boulevard in i think it's i want to say it's it's right next to griffith park i think it's right over there there's a chevy chase avenue or boulevard i was

like dude you know like when you google it also has like common questions asked about yeah also ask yeah the the number one one put in just chevy chase it says what is wrong with chevy chase what is the matter with chevy chase well because you've heard all these stories where he's like you know these the lore of chevy where he's like doesn't want to work anymore and is kind of pissy and mad and angry have you heard any of this stuff yes yeah i mean you heard like i think maybe dan harman had talked about on the set of community he was like grumpy and mad and but but also i want to side with him for two seconds i got a guy that i don't know i guess after like 40 years in the business yeah i probably would be like all right fuck everything i'm doing this because i just have

to pay bills and as an actor there's no real retirement plan that doesn't exist like you don't you know what i mean it's like people also forget though like with him and i would say this will be like kind of generationally removing people from like but he was one of the biggest box office stars in the world yeah in the world and i thought of um it was actually before my time but i I learned this about Burt Reynolds. Yeah, same. They're like, do you understand though? Like had a string of like seven years as the number one.

The guy. Yeah, and then it's like when that changes and you're just like, everyone's still, people like you, but you're just an actor now. Yeah, you're a guy. That's gotta be. it's gotta be hard well but also it's kind of hard to see in a business where like there's people dude that have made like 9 10 11 box office bombs yeah and the business is still like we love them yeah but you're like but they keep eating shit yeah, I don't think you could name one. I don't think you could name one legitimate Jennifer Aniston movie where you're like,

oh, dude, the movie's incredible. It's an amazing movie. No, and I'm not shitting on her. It's like, she's just been in a lot of stuff where you're like, it's okay, I don't know. Yeah. But friends. They love her.

But friends. But friends. But it just helps. I just saw a thing where Colin Farrell, he was starring in things for a while. Yeah. And he said in something recent, like you could probably find it, that he's never been happier than when he could no longer be the name above the title. He said he loves his...

I mean, you know, someone can just say that, but he's like, it's such a freeing thing to not be. Yeah, I'm sure, because the pressure must be absurd to carry a movie. Yeah. Like, we've known Tiffany Haddish for years as a stand-up. Yeah. When she became a movie star in name. Movie star.

The pressure's absurd because they're like, well, you are this thing now. And if they don't like it, then we look at you for some reason but you're like what about the studio what about the writers what about the producer what about and the way people like criticize her is crazy yeah everyone's like why are you so mad if you're up there you're gonna get it yeah they they we are i don't know the term but we love to we love to go as high as you can get and when you're up there you're like come on down come on down yeah it's such a sick business. I wanted to educate you a little bit.

Yeah, please. The name Chevy Chase is derived from Shivey Shas. The name of the land patented to Colonel Joseph Belt from Charles Calvert, 5th Baron, Baltimore, on July 10th, 1725. It has historic associations to a 1388 battle between Lord Percy of England and Earl Douglas of Scotland, the subject of the ballad entitled The Ballad of Chevy Chase. Wow. At issue in this chevalier, a French word describing a border raid or hunting grounds or a chasse in the Chevalier Hills of Northumberland and Otterburn. We have Cheviot Hills here. We do? Yeah, we have a Cheviot Hills here.

Wait, so is his real name not Chevy Chase? I'm reading about the name. Okay, so despite rumor and speculation, Chevy Chase, Maryland has no direct relation to actor and comedian Chevy Chase. Both are named after the British ballot. He just happens to come from Chase, last name Chase, and is named that as such. Yes.

His real name is Cornelius Crane Chase. Yeah. And it looks like Chevy Chase, Maryland was named the most affluent town in the United States. Most affluent town? Yeah. Maryland? Chevy Chase, Maryland. Chevy Chase, Maryland was named the most affluent town in the United States. Most affluent town? Yeah. Maryland? Chevy Chase, Maryland.

Chevy Chase, Maryland. Yeah. No shit. Maryland? You've been to the Northeast, right? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I lived there. I lived in College Park for a while. For University of Maryland. For school. Yeah. I was just going to say. I didn't go there.

But school is always different because, oh, you didn't go to school? You just around? It was, I i just like you know college i uh college parties i love college parties you know what's so funny about that i partied with guys at asu yeah that were like 24 yeah jesus yeah man i know i know we wiped down the chair before you sat in it thank you uh i i remember partying with like 22, 24-year-olds when we were 19, 20 when we first got in. You were like, they're 58. Yeah. I was like, these guys are 106.

But I was also like, they're the coolest dudes on earth. Yeah. I was like, what do you do? And the guy's like, Jiffy Lube. And you're like, fucking dude, what are you, a billionaire? What do you got? Six houses already? I remember, dude.

Yeah. We had dudes that like party with us that didn't go to college, but lived in college. They lived in college. Like they would meet us on campus they would hang out like they were in college but they weren't in college yeah it was the weirdest feeling i remember being in college and having not like college like yeah like local yeah local i went to a really small school so like you see them you notice them more you know i mean you're like yeah you've been at you've been at these parties for a while now. He's like,

I'll never leave, dude. Started at 17, I'll never fucking go away, dude. Bryson. There was a lot of California transplants in Arizona. Those schools have, both of them,

U of A and ASU have just insane reputations. Yeah, for what? For academics, you mean? For biology? Yes, we are the best at bio. We're the best at bio. We're the best at chemistry.

And ironically, also at math. That's crazy. Yeah, I went to school. I got my degree in hydroponic chemical engineering with a minor in heart surgery as a focus. I'd never even heard of that. Yeah. It's a new class. It's one class. Heart surgery.

Heart surgery focus. Yeah. Heart surgery focus. Yeah. And you don't have to go to med school because at least what the professor says, med school is a lot of fodder. It's a lot of books and like...

But is that how you would be good at it? I don't think so. I think you just have to talk about it as much as you can. We talked about it often, about what surgery would be like. Is it scary? Have you done a heart surgery? No. Oh my God. What are you nuts? No, no. I just, we just talked about it often, but I have a degree for it. I don't think I can perform. I think it's highly illegal, but I do think the degree sets me up for a future in what could be perhaps

consultation online. Have you ever witnessed a surgery? No. No, have you? Many. Really? Yeah. I had the wild idea that I wanted to be a doctor, a surgeon. You did?

This is young, though. Yeah, sure, sure, sure. So I was like a freshman in high school, and I tell, I'm like, I think I want to be a doctor i mean i'm a freshman aren't your parents like come on yeah of course but i think they're like well this is a good sign it's a good sign but also like he's fucking dumb he's not gonna do it but i was like yes i do i mean i'm very convincing you know and they're like okay so i go i think i want to be like a surgeon though you know so yeah my dad calls his brother who's like a

well-known doctor who sets me up is your dad a doctor by the way no okay his brother and uh tests me up to go to the mayo in jacksonville and witness surgery like for a day to just be a part of it like i get there 7 a.m and i'm a freshman i remember that the one of the doctors goes what school do you go to i was kind of a big kid you know yeah i mean for a freshman in high school i was probably uh i don't know 5 9 5 10 and like 185 or something full size full size and he was like what school do you go to and i i say my high school and he's like that's a university and i go i'm in high school he was I say, my high school. And he's like, that's a university? And I go, I'm in high school. He was like, you're in high school.

So I think he thought he was also taking. Did you eat the other high school boys? Well, he's like, he goes like, why are you, like he thought he was going to take like a college kid. Right, right, right. And he's like, so you're here. I was like, I want to do this. And he was like, okay.

All right. So I witnessed 13 surgeries that day. Holy fuck. They start me like first day. Like I'm at the hospital 630 in the morning. Yeah. And this guy, he's like, all right. And he takes me in like the first surgery we witness is to an 87 year old woman who's having a cyst removed from her vagina.

Oh, my God. And I go in there, and he's like, you're going to stand here. He goes, so I'm standing at the foot of the bed. And you're standing in a smock and all that shit? Just staring straight up. Yeah, yeah. I'm covered and everything. And he goes, come here, come here.

And he pulls me aside. He goes, just so you know, she's not under. So if you say something, she can hear it. And I go, okay. She's awake for the surgery? Yeah, she's just like anesthetized. Ah, right, right. From down.

Below the waist. Dude, they start. And like, so there's this 87-year-old pussy just like wide open in front of me. I'm like, all right. That's how you knew you were gay. I knew it. I knew it. And then he kind of, he'm like all right that's how you knew you were gay i knew it i knew it and then he kind of he's like they go in there and then he he's like here's the cyst and

then he's like holy shit like this is enormous so they start bringing in other people to look at it and then they go like edith and she's like yes he goes we're gonna take some pictures and she's like okay we just want to post this stuff man on myspace this is wild we've never seen one this size so this is going to be in a journal but your face won't be in the photos or anything like that okay she just gives like a rock on above it yeah fuck yeah and so they start taking pictures i'm sitting sitting there like, oh my God. And then he pops it. And it's just, yeah, it's just like oozing. Oh my God.

And we leave that and he was like, wasn't that something? And I go, yeah, it was. Yeah, I'm going to get into standup comedy. He's like, let's go watch some more surgeries. Fuck that. Like I don't, that to me, I've always had a stomach for stuff that's like, that turns people, but I never understood how someone could over and over want to open people up

I was always like we did the frog in bio or whatever and that made people sick I remember kids puking in class and it never made me sick but I was like who would want to do this over and over

who would want to do it I was like it's so weird I shit that day and I was like I don't want to do this over and over oh i know who would want to do it it's so weird i shed that day and i was like i don't want to do surgery oh fuck that no way i never get the whole idea of like i could be okay with doing it if i have to do it but there's people that are so comfortable yeah that it doesn't but it's like it's i thought about this the other day when i was at the when i was going to get the the, my ankle looked at in the medical building as I'm passing these hallways and passing like, um, there was, uh, an optometrist, a dietician, you know, every kind of doctor. And as I was in the waiting room, I thought about that.

I was like, God, I wonder what it's like to make the decision of like, I guess this will be my focus because I definitely don't want to do that and i know internally they probably talk shit to each other like what is like a podiatrist or an orthopedist and they're like oh bitch oh like do they shit on each other absolutely so like if you do if you're if you're a surgeon they're like top top tier shit and they look at the other doctors like bitches like oh is that you they absolutely do that's so funny the general surgeons i'm saying are up there uh cardiology like heart surgeons that's legit neurologists right you know you're doing like who's the lowest of the like who's the one that they mock the most well i mean i'm sure it's probably chiropractors you know

but then even if you're gonna fix his back they might yeah i mean they're like you're just like... Are you going to fix his back? They might. Yeah, I mean, they're like, you're not. But I mean, I'm sure they definitely... If you're like, you know, you're a general physician, they realize that you're a necessity. You're needed. But they're like... What are you really doing? They're like, you know that I'm...

They call him Wikipedia? I'm way above you. Here comes Dr. Wikipedia with his fucking... With his generalization. WebMD's here, everyone. Are you going to guess what someone has again, Mike? Is that what you're going to do? So your whole thing is that you refer your patients to us?

Wait, who? Because I saw a thing. Someone just would make fun of that. Oh, there's a show called Floor is Lava on Netflix that people are watching now. Do you know about this bullshit? Floor is Lava? Yeah. It's like a gauntlet game show.

Three people, they try to get through a room where the floor is lava yeah it's like a it's like a gauntlet game show three people they try to get through a room where the floor is literally like bubbling fucking lava and they have to jump from thing to thing to thing to get to the exit and if they fall in they lose points real or script real lava real lot no it's it's no it's a it's like a game show it's a game show yeah no um but but during one point they had doctors versus nurses and the doctors were like yeah you know like no we love our nurses like they're the best like they yeah yeah they're wonderful and the nurses were like did they talk shit because we do like all the fucking work like they just get like saunter in and like read a fucking notebook that we like they were so

annoyed i love it they were it was it was like funny that they were like oh what did like what did they say they do because they're like gps like they we like we do everything and the one girl was like no seriously like we like she's like listing off all this shit that you could tell that there was such a there's such like this internal clashing where they're like don't think you're fucking you're not better it's like well i am better than you and they're like no fuck you like yeah we do the thing you just get to take credit for it's a very classist thing i think especially with doctors and nurses for sure for sure and i think i mean because here's the thing you just get to take credit for it's a very classist thing i think especially with doctors and nurses for sure for sure and i think i mean because here's the thing like if you're you know a nurse has a actually has a pretty extensive education of course really knows

yeah to get there is not just like you don't just like sign up yeah yeah and i think that they're less dismissed i mean they're you know there's probably jokes with doctors, but the way that civilians are like, you're a nurse. It's like, I'm sure that they're probably like, do you do know that I could save your life? Yeah, right. That is true. They just get kind of brushed off

as like you're a part of the process. Yeah. Which is a bummer because it's almost like- Yeah, they're not parking attendants. Well, it's how doctors treat nurses the way, from just just what i've heard you treat everyone that's ever opened for you oh i'm you you are brutal you're brutal somebody told me one time whoever was opening for you a couple years ago not only did you not they couldn't get a hotel you forced them to uh you rented a car at hertz you rented like a che Chevy Volt and you made them sleep in the car.

I did. And I also. You wouldn't turn it on. I don't turn it on. No, you got it. Cause it's about, you know,

getting like, I realized I'm a coach for these, you know, openers. What were you going to say? You were going to say bitches? Well, I was just saying,

I also asked for a feature gift. But they have to bring you something. They have to bring me a gift. And so the first time that I, you know, I was educating one of them on it, and they were like, what's a feature gift? And I'm like, well, you gift the headliner as a way of saying thank you for having me. And the opener was like, well, how much should I spend?

And I go, how much are you earning this week? So she said, you know, $500. Right. And I go, something around $500. $500 to $600. Yeah, should be a gift.

They should be willing to take a loss to open for you. Yeah, of course. Financially, because I have heard what you typically do is, if a feature is getting

a certain amount of money, let's just make an arbitrary, let's just say like, oh, they get $700. I've heard that you dock depending on how many jokes you don't like.

That's true. Oh, yeah. If you don't open strong. Right. How do you dock depending on what how many jokes you don't like yeah that's true oh yeah if like i go if you don't open strong right so is it how do you dock is it 10 if you have a wildlife joke you immediately lose a hundred bucks really so it's out out and what's the biggest detrimental joke what joke can they tell that you really take away the most money what is it that looks like the thing that they just inform listeners in case they don't know that you really start taking away money if they do a certain kind of joke or. Yeah. I mean, like if they do an accent or like, you know, something about like, oh, you know, one time I was with my mom and, you know.

Oh, family stuff. Yeah, yeah. You really cut it. Then it's. I'll just go right to half. Yeah. Have you ever made sure that people that work with you don't get paid at all? I try to. Like, you know, if I do, work with you don't get paid at all i try to

like i'll you know if i do if i do a club i'll just i'll tell the club i'll go are you planning on paying them and they'll be like yeah i'll go just give it to me you know yeah and then they go like you'll pay them and i go yeah yeah i'll pay them i mean it's a look it's your it's your comedic choice as a performer to do what you want, but I do think that's weird. Well, I like to remind them. I like to go to when they're like, I didn't get paid. I'm like, oh, did everyone come out to see you?

Is that what you say to them? Yeah, yeah. I guess I get that, and it is your show. Ask any of them. They'll tell you. Yeah. Can I ask you one more intimate question that's kind of along the comedy lines? There's rumors on the internet that your son is a ghost

writer for some of your material yeah you're willing to admit that on the show you're willing to admit that today that your son actually does write some of your stuff so where uh where are you gonna where are you gonna join you think to play dude the deflection is so obvious i'm not deflecting i'm saying you're deflecting dude you said you were gonna join you're deflecting because your son writes your shit you're saying that because and i can i cannot wait for this to come out so people can hear finally that like people always like tom's so funny like i have friends that go i love tom i love like oh you're friends with tom i said yeah yeah we're cool yeah i love tom oh dude i think tom's so funny he's a genius people

say that's kind of bullshit that they think you they think you're this comedic fucking like a phenomenal comedic entertainer and you're so funny and and for years i've been like there's no fucking way yeah that he that he does his own stuff yeah and i thought he doesn't steal jokes from peers because i know you don't steal from comedians but i go he's jack he's getting it from somewhere so if you because he i have for real here's what i've heard yeah i've heard you can join a club socially or you can join them to play just like just yeah but you get a better deal yes i think if you just i think if you join socially then you don't have golf access well you gotta to be honest yeah um i'm not joining a club that was just to bait you to find out you're not gonna do you have i just wanted to find out if you could have some pool in some town to get me into something. Do you feel like when you argue with someone that your heart rate goes down?

Yeah, actually. Really? Yeah. That's a psychopathic thing. Yeah, it goes way down. Like if we get into a debate, I calm down. You calm down? Yeah, because I feel like I have to,

because you sink low, everything slows down, so I can start picking out stuff. So your heart rate doesn't race and you don't get short of breath. No, at any moment, I like, like I saw that, I saw that big gold thing over there and I thought I could hit him over the head with that and hurt him bad.

And that calmed you down. It makes me feel good. Yeah, that's a good sign. That gives me like a solace of the moment. Dr. Drew was telling me about that. He was like, you know, and some people, because we were watching a confrontation on a video clip. Arguments?

Yeah, and I was like, he was like, you know. Tell me it was the woman calls the girl an N-word and she fights her. That one? No, it was a different one. It was a neighbor who was mad at his neighbor for burning dirty. I'd never even uh he meant using dirty firewood he's like oh this fucking your fucking smoke is dark and he was going crazy using bad wood you're burning up he was and drew was like you know there are people who when they

do this when they confront their heart rate actually lowers like they go they it makes them feel good to have the confrontation wow they get into a calm whereas most of us would be like the fuck and you'd feel your heart rate go up and you feel your kind of your throat dry out and you're like you know you can even feel like the anxiety yeah he's like no this guy he's like this might just be like a thing he does and he feels good after it i had there was a woman who's flying through the neighborhood this is crazy because like if a guy was doing something and i got a verbal altercation with a guy at this age that you're like i'm not fighting a guy this is fucking insane unless he's doing something i need to like really defend someone yeah with a guy i'd be like oh fuck you and i'd probably stay the same

heart rate yeah my heart went through the roof because it was a woman this woman because her her confidence was staggering yeah dude she was flying down the street in our neighborhood we're walking our dog and our neighborhood's quiet as fuck and she's flying in this truck and as she goes by i do the very dad bullshit i'm like slow down i do the slow down i throw down and her window's open slams on her brakes puts it reverse i'm not kidding it puts it when it goes are you you're yes my heart was like yeah yeah i saw i saw it was like this little tiny girl and she's like what the fuck did you say you fucking bitch and i was like i said slow down you're flying through the neighborhood i'm trying to keep my composure but But inside, I'm like, dude, this lady is crazy. She's going to kill me.

If it was a dude, I probably would have been like, oh, fuck you, bro. Get the fuck out. This woman was a type. She could barely over the wheel. Her head was like a foot over the wheel. And she's like, yeah. Oh, I go too fast for you, you pussy. And I swear to God, dude was emasculating the shit out of me.

And I'm like, you need to calm down. I'm like, you need to calm down i'm like you need to slow down in the neighborhood i like i couldn't get it out because i was i couldn't believe she had the i thought no way is this woman gonna back up and be like you fucking bitch and then i go just i go and then i started doing this i started saying you need to relax you need to relax killed her that you need oh yeah dude she she's like, oh, I need to relax. How old was she? Huh?

How old was she? Oh, maybe, I mean, 38, but with drugs, 46. You know what I mean? She had a tough day. She had a really tough time. Usually, like, the druggies, though, they'll do that shit. Oh, yeah. I've had the conversations.

Oh, she's ready to fight. Yeah. This was not drug-related. I have a car where I just had a crazy exhaust put into it. And I was shifting manually. And so I went to shift in this neighborhood. And you could hear like when I shifted. I wasn't going crazy fast.

But it does sound so nice. But it sounds nice. And this guy walked down the street. He just goes like this. I've been that guy by the way so you know what i did i was just kind of a psycho move i was driving i went like that i like fast cars and then i just kept going yeah you don't you don't have to stop for that guy but i do think if you're flying through i i if you're going super fast like absurdly fast on

the freeway or on major roads I'm cool with it because I like fast too neighborhoods no no it's not cool residential I just think you're a dick you are if you want to speed go on the main road

if you want to flip your car on the freeway do it dude yeah I want to watch it whenever I see someone flying I'm always like do it

I want to when people are cutting through lanes yeah my dad is always like look at this fucking guy you know the guy that's changing lanes my dad's like asshole and I'm always like I love it because I want it. When people are cutting through lanes, my dad is always like, look at this fucking guy. You know the guy that's changing lanes? My dad's like, asshole. And I'm always like, I love it because I want to see.

I want to watch it. If I'm behind it, I want to see it. When I was a kid, I've told this story before. My dad and I watched a car. No shit. I watched a car go from the opposite side of a freeway over onto our side of the freeway with my own two eyes. Yep.

Watched it happen. He must have either fallen asleep or avoided clipping someone and went over a, wasn't a medium. It was the old, there wasn't concrete mediums. It was, um, it was like on the Kennedy expressway and it was a, uh, like a guardrail. They were almost like mini guardrails. You know, they were just single strips. Flipped over there.

It cracked over and then spun. Yeah. Watch it happen as a kid. I was like nine. I remember, I remember it so vividly and it was like on the news. It was this big thing and the whole time I was like,

we were there. We were there. Yeah. It was absurd and I don't even know what ended up happening. Everybody died but whatever the case,

it's like if someone's going to be crazy on the freeway, it's like that's the spot to do it, I guess. Yeah. If you're going to be absurd, have you gotten

an absurd speeding ticket in one of these things? Because you like a zoom, zoom, fast car guy. I like a zoom, zoom, fast. No, I haven't gotten a speeding ticket in a while, and I've never gotten pinched when I was doing... When you were doing coke when you were speeding? I got pulled over.

I just remembered this. I got pulled over about six months ago going pretty fast what are we talking um i'm not sure i'm not sure what over 100 there was the thing is like i was in the school zone you were going 185 no no i was i was doing that thing where you know it was a night drive i was coming back to la yeah and it was like that you'd hit pockets where you can floor it but then like you see cars you slow down you know it's like freeway driving after 10 30 90 to 100 yeah you're in that zone and i saw i got lit up i was like and they she let me go it was a female did she know who you were no she didn't know who you were she didn't say anything because i feel like people that let go it's only because they know who you

are why would cops let you go when you're speeding she's probably a fan and didn't say it i got pulled over again last week now you remind me i got pulled over last week in a different car and then he let me go yeah he knew you were there's no fucking you know how many people are listening like fuck you got when people get pulled over the cop has no reason to not give you a well he goes he goes where are you going so fast this is what they said last week how polite i know i go i'm sorry and he goes where are you going so fast and i go i didn't even realize i was going fast like you didn't i was like i go was i i go i you know i'm and then i go i'm sorry i was just and he goes was that your friend there because i was driving with someone who was in another car. Oh, yeah. And I go, hi.

Is that a guy? Is that a guy up there? And then he goes, all right, give me, I gave him everything. Yeah. He's like, he comes down,

he writes something down and he goes, he gives me my, he goes, do me a favor. And I go, yeah, he goes, slow it down for me. And I go,

sure, yeah. Tom Segura. That was it. He knew who you were., sure, yeah. Tom Segura. That was it. He knew who you were. I don't know. Yes, dude. Yes, because I'm not famous like you're famous. I have like a few people that go, oh, I kind of recognize this weirdo.

Aren't you from a thing that I don't like? And I go, yes. And when I get pulled over, every time I've gotten tickets. I have a felony ticket from my past for going double the speed limit. Yeah. But that's when I first started in comedy and I was doing those triple runs. Wait, how fast were you going? 130.

130. In a... Oh, it was a 65 zone, I think. Yeah. Where were you? Outside of Nevada on the way to Winnemucca. How fat is that ticket? I mean, this was 12 years ago, years ago but it was uh it was a felony

charge i had to go to court for holy shit yeah which was crazy because they can they can if it double the speed limit is a felony right um and uh they don't have to write it as a felony write-up ticket it can it can it can be just a violation and they could choose to make it a felony something tells me that like go ahead when he met you yeah yeah he was like i kind of want to make it a favor something tells me that like go ahead when he met you yeah yeah he was like i kind of want to make this a family yeah same yeah it's happened to me my whole life with cops i've always had an adverse reaction to cops my cops in my family and i respect them yeah but the moment i get pulled over i'm like this isn't why i pay for you i get i don't say that but i get so annoyed that i'm like you're this is why go get a guy that's

killing somebody or raping somebody like why you're that guy speeding so annoyed that i'm like you're this is why go get a guy that's killing somebody or raping somebody like why you're that guy speeding you're that i fucking hate it yeah why are you getting me i'm going a little fast my uh older sister i have an older sister and younger my older sister your sister's 92 92 years old wild it's crazy yeah we're born so far apart but she has been the person at fault in 13 or 14 car accidents. What? Yeah. Take her license away. I know.

That's it. What state is this in? A few, but mostly in Wisconsin and Florida. She's a national problem on the road. It's unbelievable. Well, time out. Let me ask you something, not to cut you off. Yeah.

In Wisconsin, there isn't a three-strike law. So maybe that's why she... Because you know... That's where she started driving. Okay. Because I don't know if you know this. We used to joke about this in Chicago. Wisconsin has no law...

In DUI culture, if you get three DUIs, you have a license... Your license is expelled for the rest of your life, right? In... Well, three-st strike law states. California. Most places that have logic. If you have three DUIs, you're done for done. Wisconsin does

not have a three strike law for DUIs. There was a woman, sorry to interject, but there was a woman, I remember reading stories, she had 12 DUIs. I've always heard those stories. But Wisconsin! Because Wisconsin cops are like, come on, Betty, get home will you and she's like all right you get it at home they're like oh gotta take you in come on we got will

you follow us will you follow us like wisconsin has that like drinking country lifestyle where they're like she's fine yeah he falls asleep yeah we gotta take her in yeah so your sister started with one of her dozen in Wisconsin. Yeah, so yes. So even minor things like backing up into a light pole, backing up into a parked car. Come on.

But they're considered accidents. They are accidents. Leaving or crashing into the island at a gas station while you're just leaving the gas station. Just taking off? Yeah. And then damage the whole side of the car.

Leaving a kid, leaving a dog. But she's also, don't think it's just, she's also been T-boned and she's also rear-ended. Oh, she's been hit. But at her fault. Of course. She's been T-boned. She's rear-ended people.

She's T-boned other cars. Have you driven, have you been in a vehicle with her recently? She just has no spatial awareness. Not's rear-ended people. She's T-boned other cars. Have you driven, have you been in a vehicle with her recently? Yeah, she just has no spatial awareness. Not recently, no, no. Right.

And like, also, you know, it's one of those things, too. Like, if you like driving, there's things that you think are intuitive that somebody who is a bad driver, you're like, what are you doing?

I couldn't agree fucking more. It's crazy. And like, you're like, you're doing this all wrong. Why would you do it like that? You know when you when you go why okay yeah you're like why aren't you going right now yeah why did you stop right why are you turning here right like all of that so why but i remember i remember as one of the like my dad is pretty composed you know like i've seen him get mad but he's pretty composed and when we were in high school i remember they had like a built-in dresser to the

wall in your room in his room okay like the dresser was like it came with the house it's built into the wall and i remember that my mom told him something and he was opening a drawer and he pulled it out of the wall and the whole thing came out of the wall and i was like oh shit and so i was like what happened and she had told him that my sister had just called and told her that she got a speeding ticket for going 105 in a 55 and he was like she was 16 or 17 and then so he was so mad and then he called her he was like what are you doing and she was like i was dancing like that's why i didn't know she was dancing he was like wait a minute you're driving and she was like yeah but i was like driving and you're driving a vehicle no no she's i was raging i didn't really realize how fast i was going

i like your sister yeah although i never want to be near her on the road in a vehicle it's real dangerous well be safe tom okay don't ever get near your sister ever again in a car uh i i want to say this i really appreciate you as a person as a comedian and as a, because you're great at all three. Before on the episode, I want to say, this is me being sincere. When I started this podcast, I was going to, Tom was going to help me out. And, uh, I was very grateful for it. And I mean that. And the only reason I didn't take help from Tom is because Christina's advice was just better than yours. Yeah. Genuinely, genuinely. Christina was more intuitive.

She was smarter. She had just better ideas. Yep. Tom said, you should rent an airplane hanger at LAX and do it from there. Yep. I went there. They wanted $8,700 a month for a closet. And then I was like, what about the whole hanger?

Tom says I need a hanger. Yeah. And they were like, that's insane. It's 150 grand. It was crazy. Yeah. I couldn't. Anyway, I didn't take your advice and i'm glad i didn't because it was so ill it was such bad advice but um i appreciate you because when i started this podcast literally you were one of the people i talked to about it i was like yeah i kind of want to do it is this a bad idea

no no and you were very promotional of it and I appreciate you for that. Absolutely. You taught me a lot as a friend. As a comedian, you've taught me that you can, you can get away with anything on stage as long as you pretend like it's funny. Right. And that's something I've learned from you.

And I learned that, you know, from my son. So thank you for being here. And I end every episode the same way. I want you to look in the camera when I get off camera and I want you to end it with one word or one phrase of your choosing

I'm going to walk off and then you are in an episode look in the camera one word or one phrase piggy in here we pour whisk whisk you're that creature in the ginger beard

sturdy and ginger like vampires the ginger gene is a curse gingers are pugilist you owe me five dollars for the whiskey

and seventy five dollars for the horse gingers are hell no this whiskey is excellent ginger I like gingers