Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Tom Segura 2.0

Episode Date: April 23, 2021

Santino sits down with one of the bears Tommy "Segway" Segura to chat about our love for hip hop, signing checks in front of bank tellers, breaking down the sexual barriers with mommy C and finally making the move to Texas for good. ORDER SOME MERCH!!! https://www.andrewsantinostore.com Join our Patreon : https://www.patreon.com/whiskeygingerpodcast SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS! SUNDAY SCARIES - Calm down and grab some CBD https://sundayscaries.com/ Promo WHISKEY for 25% off!!!!!!!!! DR. SQUATCH - Clean up your body with natural stuff and smell goooooood https://drsquatch.com/ Promo DSCWHISKEY for 20% of order of $20 or more!! MANSCAPED - Clean up your balls and your beard now with the best in mens grooming https://www.manscaped.com/ Get 20% off use promo code WHISKEY20 BETTERHELP - You deserve to feel better Get the help you need today from wherever you are http://betterhelp.com/whiskey for 10% OFF your first month Follow Santino on Insta and Twitter: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ https://twitter.com/CheetoSantino Whiskey Ginger Insta and Twitter: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeygingerpodcast/ & https://twitter.com/whiskeyginger_ Whiskey Ginger Clips: http://www.youtube.com/c/WhiskeyGingerPodcastClips EDITING AND PRODUCTION DESIGN BY Andres "Fancy B" Rosende Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on earth. I say that for all my guests, but I mean it once again today. It's Mr. Tom Segura. Tom Segura, everybody. He's here. This will probably be his last time ever on the show. He's moving, and it's also

because I don't really want you on the show. This was a favor that I'm doing for you, obviously, to boost your namesake and the podcast community. I know you guys did the little exchange with us a couple weeks ago. It was terrible. It was really bad. It was very poor.

You're welcome, I i guess is what i should start off by saying that's true i appreciate it on all accounts on all the accounts uh first of all i love you thank you for coming you yeah you rolled up in a uh can we talk about it sure yeah you rolled up in a in a in a lotus i wore a gt yeah it was fun man but what were you bumping because you know i'm a hip-hop head so I was more curious about that than I was about... Because I could hear you... When I hear you coming up, no matter where you are, you're bumping. That's true.

That is We Are Young, The Jersey Club, Kyle Edwards, DJ Smalls remix. Ooh. See, you have deep cuts. You're good with it, huh? Well, I mean, I'm getting more into music now. You know what I mean? Like as you've gotten older, you feel like you feel more into hip-hop than you ever were? Well, not just hip-hop.

I've actually expanded. That's like a club. It was bump. It was like. Yeah. So I got all kinds of shit. I'll do EDM. I'll do a little EDM.

I'll fucking do it. I know. People say it like it's a bad thing. It used to be a butt of a joke almost. It's like cliche. But then once you really listen to it, I'm like, pretty good i'll do that hip-hop um i'll do latin stuff well that i can't well that's because you speak brown yeah but i speak brown but it's also like it's just it's a vibe like i'm not even listening to shit they're saying it's like it's a mood you know do you what if the whole

time they're just like kill whitey kill whitey white devil kill all the yankees what what no seriously though because i've heard that what's the guys the most jay balvin do you know jay balvin is no he's huge really in the latin market he's like one of the biggest in the world don't even know but i've heard some of his songs in spanish and they're bangers yeah man but i have no idea what he's saying yeah i'll i'm gonna fucking listen when we leave jay balvin yeah you have to listen i think that's it dude look at us we sound like my dad jay balvin have you heard jay beanie jay beanie like but now there's so many new guys coming down the pipeline that like yeah jay balvin do you listen to today's hip-hop no dude well it's so vague like what i don't even know what that is that's

what's even more weird yeah i don't even know i know i know like future or like Roddy rich or like, you know, the baby, the baby. Yeah. I know these guys, I've heard them, but I don't know.

I couldn't really tell you what they do. Yeah. I'm kind of the same. I mean, I get like, it's like a bad comic that's popular that you're like, I don't know any of those jokes. Yeah.

Yeah. It's kind of like that. Yeah. I get a couple, um, you know, there'll be like a single cause I, I, I, even in hip-hop, a lot of times, listen to what's being said.

It's like the lyrics become like an instrument. You know what I mean? I totally do. And it's like, you know what that song's about? I have no idea. I've heard it only a thousand times. I don't know what the song's about. I didn't listen to it.

Even if I know what it's about, sometimes I still don't know what that's about. Yeah, that's true. Like that song, I have a floor mat. My buddy EP bought me an outdoor floor mat for the patio uh a doormat that says bitch don't wear no shoes in my house and that's from the roddy rich song the box the box he's telling her to take her fucking shoes off takers don't bitch don't wear no shoes in my house and that's he got me a floor mat that says that and i re-listened to the song because a friend was like

what is that what what does that mean i was like oh it's in this song and I put it on on the patio and as I was listening to the lyrics, I was like, I have no idea what he's talking about. Yeah. But I do like some of the lines. Some of the lines,

I mean, I'll tell you like, let's run through your liked songs on Spotify. Well, I was going to go to, what's it called? Just things I've downloaded recently.

Mm-hmm. Like there's this, well, that's from 2012. That's, what is it? Showbiz and AG. I don't know who. I love AG.

Oh, AG's so good. I just got this Pop Smoke track. Okay, so Pop Smoke is new. Yeah, that's new. Okay, that's legit. I did download that. They released that Phife Dawg track with Redman. Yeah.

Yeah. You know, but it's J Dilla produced. I guess. I love J Dilla. It's like a nostalgia kind of track because it feels like it's from. But a lot of that stuff now when they, when they're redoing or rehashing a lot of it,

it's almost like it makes me sad because it's gone and you're like, well, yeah, am I going to keep listening to this? Probably not, but I'll hear it once. Like, do you like Drake?

Truly? I mean, here's the thing. Like, do you like Drake? Truly? I mean, here's the thing. Do I run out and, like, download an album as soon as it comes out? No. No? But, I mean, what? A dozen hits that, like, they come on? I'm like, it's a good song, man.

I have to listen to them. Yeah. Like, he put out those two new tracks a couple weeks ago or a month ago. I didn't hear them, but. They're good. He makes hits, dude. But Rick Ross is on it, and anything he... Rick Ross is like cannabis to me.

Remember cannabis? Of course. Cannabis was so good on other people's shit, but couldn't make his own album. The craziest thing about my cannabis story where I'm like, what's happening? Is that Premiere made... Our good friend DJ Premiere.

Our good friend. Our good friend DJ Premiere made... And I brought good friend dj premiere made and i and i brought this up when he did a podcast with me yeah um he uh devil's pie the d'angelo song that beat is i mean unreal grimy it's unreal meanest like meanest dark it like just gutter yeah and and uh you know devil's pie d'angelo did like and I didn't know this for a while that primo was in the studio with cannabis and was like how about this being came I was like nah I was like but it's like it's sound like if you go this beat was made for canvas I'd be like oh yeah I could yeah he turned it he was

like I don't want it but you hear that all the time those guys turned down shit and it gets for some reason that beat I'm like how could he turn that down yeah and he's like I don't know and he was leaving the studio with and d'angelo calls it was like what you were in the other studio you got anything he's like i got this and he plays it like over his phone and he was like bring that shit over here right now yeah but cannabis is that same way to me of like he's like rick ross i love rick ross but i like rick ross on mixtapes or on other people's stuff i don't want to listen to a whole rick ross album yeah i don't really listen to whole albums i rarely do now the last album i listened to in full was probably um uh maybe two

chains i love two chains really oh he's so dope i like him as a dude i like him as a personality so i think that helps me listen to his music. It definitely does. But I just like who he lines himself up with. And like French Montana, I'm not a huge French Montana fan, but Harry Fraud, I think, is one of the best producers of all time. So when they do stuff together, like those mac and cheese albums they did, I would listen to them over and over.

That's my thing. If the producer is one of my favorites, and even if the MC is okay, I'll listen. I'll and over. Yeah. That's my thing is like if the producer is one of my favorites and even if the MC is like, okay. Yeah. I'll listen. I'll like eat the whole album. Sure. But no, new hip hop to go back, honestly, I hear it all, but I just don't.

Do you go? Because I always, I'm like, well, I don't want to be like the guy who's like. Who's totally out of touch. Yeah. And so that's why I'll seek it out and I'll be like, what's new? What's hot? And if it's like, if it's a, it's usually about, like, the beat. If it's something that, you know, I go, oh, this thing fucking slaps, then I'll get it.

Yeah. But, like, if not. Okay, what about, like, Lil Nas X? You know? No, man. No. No, man. How many Lils?

I mean, are we going to stop with the Lils? But he's so, he, like, talk about being good at reinventing himself, this kid. He comes out. He becomes... He's got the shit, right? No, Lil Nas is the kid who... Oh, Lil... Lil Nas X is the blood shoes.

Yes, yes, yes. The country song. I like him. I like him. No, no. I was thinking of... See, another Lil. I was thinking of like Lil Uzi Vert or Lil Xan or something.

Lil Xan. He's the one that has the... Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I was saying. Lil Nas X is dope I think he's cool he's cool I like

well I like that he comes out he makes a non-hip hop song he makes a country song it blows up he's like also I'm gay and they're like oh shit and then now he's in his devil play and satanic stuff

and satanic shoes yeah yeah he's leveling up to me I got I think the more you keep shifting I'm in and the fact that his satan shoes prompted like senators so funny to come out and be like...

This is the problem with America. Kids putting blood in their shoes. It's hilarious. That's what's going to ruin this country. Yeah. Buy guns. More guns. How are you going to come up with...

Now that I think about it, though, how ridiculous is his name? Lil Nas X. Get the fuck out of here. Stolen. Stolen, stolen, stolen. What is that even... What is that? He's cool, but that name is crazy when you think about it.

But when we were kids, you had to have a cool MC name to be prominent in hip hop. Your name meant so much. But now it's cool to piggyback. Lil became such a common... It's almost like they're

piggybacking, biting, but also paying homage to the other Lils. Like Lil Kim. Yeah, it's almost like tipping the hat, but it's weird because when we were young, if an MC had a bad name, it was part of the reason you didn't like him. Yeah, yeah, for sure.

Do you remember Boogeyman? Do you remember Boogeyman? No. It's like the trashiest. It's like, what a garbage. You're a grown-up. Boogeyman. That's terrible. He went after Master they had a battle i wouldn't i wouldn't want any piece of that yeah it was so stupid but boogeyman thought he was like he thought he was he was like i'm

gonna rap over your beat and it's gonna be doper than anything you do and then master ace was like it's just that's master ace did it so right that he put out a diss track on his EP. Yeah. Like he put it out on the album. That's when you know you're hard as shit. When you didn't just put it out as a separate track, you're like, this is how much I hate you. I'm going to put it on my actual album that's going to go in stores.

Yeah. That's... Are you watching The Verses? You ever watch The Verses stuff? No. What is that? Verses is like... It was started by...

What's his name? Swiss Beats and I think Timberland. it was started by um what's his name swiss beats and i think timberland so i think the first one was like uh i mean it was like for fun right but it was like uh we're we're gonna play back and forth like i made this track and like you know then i finish it and then you're like i made this one like going through their hits right and it was like swiss beat hits timberland hits right and then it was such a thing, like people so loved it, that they started producing them regularly. So like a week ago or a couple weeks ago.

Where's this on, by the way? So they first started putting it on Instagram. Then it's on Triller. Yeah, I know Triller, yeah. And then they have their own app for it and Versus TV. But on Instagram, these things will get like a few hundred thousand live viewers at a time yeah so they just did ghost and ray and so like they sit they sit just like this and then like my track comes on stands up to the camera back they each

have a dj what snoop did it with dmx what these are great man how come i haven't seen you gotta see them they're they're really and then they end up up on YouTube, so you can watch them on YouTube later. All right, now I need to check it out. On Versus. Who's the guy that made it? The guy that – I think the concept was Swiss Beats and Timbaland. Right. So they're like the – they own the name.

Timbaland's the kind of guy where when I look back on how many hits he made, it's almost embarrassing that he's a well more well-spoken name in the in the game i don't think a lot of young kids really know no they know him but yeah i don't think they know how many hits he made it's insane like the stuff he handed out to people was crazy and even if like i mean she is you know royalty but like you said like a kid i don't think understanding the impact of like those missy elliott albums oh come on because they're so filthy yeah so ridiculous the best yeah no i think kids know it but they don't it's just not the same in the same way i could be like buster rhymes was unreal when i was young and people now would be like oh i know that guy the buff dude you're like right the dude that's

the size of a mac truck uh-huh uh-huh ah last night on uh uh i don't know which one of the shows the voice or american idol or one of the 19 voice shows brandy came on and my old lady was like she looks exactly the same isn't that insane and i walked in the room and i was like what the fuck fuck them black people you're saying so you're saying black people well thomas saying right now reason right what is the reason that they look that good after all these years like did you see i think there's subcontext by the way but go ahead that's like 47 yeah he looks 22 yeah i saw a video of tiffany haddish uh at her birthday or celebrating her grammy and common because i guess they're dating like kissed her on the cheek on this video tiffany haddish wow i think okay i don know. I think I've seen them a lot.

He also looks fucking the same. Another thing that drives me bananas. Common when I was a kid is the same. We're going to age like diarrhea. Look at me now. I'm 37. Most people think I'm 45. Most people think that I've been in my 50s.

I'm 41. You started in your 50s? I mean, people are like, I'll say it, and they're like, I thought when complete, like your first special came out, you were in your 50s. But let's say this, with money and time, you've gotten better looking and you've gone the other way. That is, thank you. That always happens though. That's true. I'm a little bit better looking than I was. When I first started, I was hideous. I take care of myself more. You do. I thought about you this morning too, because I was putting on very fancy moisturizer when I got out of the shower. And I was like, this is so lame. And i'd be making fun of me but also i would look uglier if

i didn't do it all those things that we mock as like uh they all benefit they work of course they really do speaking of which by the way i want to talk about this because i just i remembered it last night and i laughed about it with my lady common Common, when I used to live in West Hollywood, Common used to live above Sunset Plaza because I'd see him there all the time because I used to go get breakfast over at that little spot right there. One night, I was walking to go to Evoli, a bar on Sunset. I left the store and I was walking, just taking a long walk on Sunset.

What's the name of that chinese place that's right there that's like it's oh mao mao or it's like a mr chin no no it's like a repeated name it's like chow chow or some shit like that chin chins chin chins and i walk past and common is there eating chinese food by himself outside just outside by himself not on his phone literally just eating staring off into space and i part of me want to stop and be like yo i'm a huge fan i'm from chicago i love you but then i kept staring at him as i walked closer and i thought god he must be eating chinese food alone is the saddest shit i've ever seen in my life yeah because chinese food is a shared meal true you don't have you've never gotten chinese food by yourself you can get a sub a sub a piece of pizza by yourself yeah you can't for some reason

translates by itself sushi can because you can sit at the bar alone yeah you can just be like i'm on the go i've got chinese is like chinese is a whole thing yeah because they give you too much you can't share the rice you're alone it felt really fucked up who are you gonna crack the cookie with oh god so i felt bad and he was sitting there and then it almost made me feel like lonely i didn't lonely I didn't even I didn't even acknowledge it because I was like maybe he's going through a tough time eating Chinese food alone just felt really I nerd out on him once yeah you did yeah and so the improv on Melrose was I don't know if it's

still next stories was Fred Siegel yeah they're still there I think the store yeah yeah and Fred Siegel for people don't know is just like overpriced regular stuff yeah these jeans are 400 it's like if Nordstrom cost twice as much as it did yeah whatever yeah it's but so the park it's what we do for it when you play the when you work at the improv you park in the in the Fred Siegel lot yeah and so I had an earlier show and this was like a while ago, and I just walk into Fred, just like killing time.

Yeah, I've done that a thousand times. I'm not going to buy anything. In the little shoe place? Yeah, exactly. I'm like, how much are these? They're like $15,000. I'm like, cool. I'll just, you got a,

do you have a 14? No? Ah, oh well. I'll go. All right. But I just see him, and he's with a salesperson who clearly does not know who he is.

All right. Just like, because when I see him, I'm like, cause you know, I just, it was like one of those things where I was that close. I was like, comment. And he was like, he was really cool. And she was doing this thing. Like, how do you know this? You know, like looking at me, like, you know, this guy. Right.

And then a love of my life had just come out. Oh, so I started just nerding out about it to him. He was really nice. He was like, I saw love and gave me like a hug. And, and I started just nerding out about it to him. He was really nice. He was like, I saw love. He gave me like a hug. And I was like, that's the interaction you want. Did he know who you were? No, no, no.

This was like when that song came out. That must have been like eight years ago or something. Oh, right, right, right. I was going to say, that's got to be 10 years ago. Maybe 10 years ago, yeah. So yeah, I just, you know, it was like one of those things where I was like, that's a perfect- And he was sweet about it.

Really sweet. Yeah, see, I always like to hear that that i'd also sexier to hear when somebody treats you like fuck you man yeah that i love get the fuck away from me bro and you're like i love that that i like as well i almost like that sometimes more because it's fun when they fuck you off have you been fucked off by someone that you that you like admire um i don't you know it doesn't like come to mind also like i it's pretty rare for me to like approach yeah no i i'm the same i don't i i would rather i usually would approach someone that's less famous than the public would think yeah like i would nerd out on i've talked about hey i think matt berry do you know who that is

he's a british comedian actor he's to me like I have such a boy crush on him yeah I'm obsessed with him Matt Barry Matt Barry he did a show he does a show now called What We Do in the Shadows on FX

oh I've heard oh you know one of the best shows my wife has watched every episode I'm sure she has because yeah yeah yeah I'm sure she's did

I walked in on a couple times her masturbating to it and a couple times I was like what what is this? Because she was explaining the show and the emotional vampire. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like that, and I watched a couple scenes.

I was like, that is a brilliant concept. It's such a funny – I mean, I've talked about it ad nauseum. People are probably like, shut up. But it's so funny to be – present-day vampires in Staten Island, New York is just a funny pitch. Yeah. I'd buy that immediately. And this is, isn't it?

It's Taka Watiti's. So it was a movie. But also the guys. Yeah. From Flight of the Conchords. Yeah. Right. So they did it together.

They did the film and then they did this. And neither of them are in this. I mean, they do cameo. Yeah. But man, Matt Barry's so. He plays one of the vampires? Yes. He's one of the most elegant vampires. It's just so like, it's ridiculous.

But anyway, like him, I'd freak out on. If I saw him, I'd be like, dude, I love you. In here, we pour whiskey. Hey, you guys and gals and whatever. I know it's been a little bit of a rough time because of the ruins. The ruins did us in the wrong way. Not feeling good upstairs. I've been a big proponent on this show of mental health and mental health awareness because I myself have to deal with it and nobody wants to talk about it. It's really weird. It's like your creepy uncle. You're like, we don't talk about Mark. He's a little weird. But I like to talk about mental health awareness because I believe in it. I think

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It's 2021. And if you still got bush, you need to change that with Manscaped. Ginger. I like gingers. I've done that with, I think it's always like people in music that I've done that to. Yeah. You know, most like, I'm trying to think like there's actors who I, I would be like,

Oh my God. But I don't know if I, I mean, cause whenever I try with someone who's really famous, um, there is no conversation there. It's really weird. It's almost like Jim Carrey,

who's always, it was nice to me when he was my boss on the Showtime show. But one time, like you understand the fame level at some point. It's crazy. It's absurd, right? Cause we're sitting at sunset tower hotel and um i'm having a drink and i probably had fucking three too many and i

was like uh where do you live now jim why yeah why would i ask him where he lives i mean what are you gonna say though i know it i but like also what a dump i could have said anything i could have been like but see like I feel like that's a normal thing to ask because you would no but it's only like weird because you said what was his answer

I really I mean I'm all over the place man yeah yeah it's like I don't want to tell you where I live exactly I'm all over the place it is weird when this

like I don't know if you've had this where like I'll be out in a city I'm performing in yeah and let's say i go to lunch and someone recognize hey man yeah i'm coming to the show tonight you're like oh great and they're like where are you staying and i'm like at a hotel and they're like which one and i'm like what

what do you think it's weird to ask that they got their phone out they're like tell me which one which one what side of town are you on yeah are you staying on the east side again because i'll book a room there now i'm booking it right now i have marriott points that will like do when i always go like oh uh where's the one and then they're like what hotel are you at man right here i forget i think it's upstairs it's here whenever i was with rogan on the road those people holy shit yeah i don't envy that they wouldn't always see us at the hotel they would be there before we'd arrive we'd get in the car from the airport. We'd get there. They're waiting. I was like, what? You know what I've had?

So this past weekend, there were people at the hotel. Where were you? In Omaha. Okay. With things to autograph. Yeah, that's what they do. That's what they used to do with Joe all the time. I was like, that's so strange.

The only thing I find stranger is arriving at an airport, and they're at the airport. Scary. And I'm like, what are you doing here? And they're like, oh the airport. Scary. And I'm like, what are you doing here? And they're like, oh, will you sign this? I'm like, yeah, but how did you know?

How'd you get in? And they're like, well, we just kind of figured. They're at the gate. They bought a ticket just to get to the gate. I'm like, what, dude? You hang out at the airport?

But apparently Joe told me I was ignorant and Joe said that they make a lot of money on those things. So I guess they sell them online. They do. But I was like, who's buying them though?

I don't know. This is kind of how I feel about it. I don't have the strong no. What do you do? You just say yes? Man, well, for autographs, I always feel like- You don't go, I got to go? I do.

Sometimes I'll go, I can only sign. You know what happened this weekend, though? So these guys are at the hotel, and they're like, hey, will you sign these? And I go, man, okay. I can only sign and I sign a couple things sure the other guy

okay I gotta run I run the next day the guy's like hey man those signatures smudged could you sign these ones

oh my god they came back and you did though you did cause you're nice yeah I know yeah you're nice I would be hard to say

no one asked for my autograph but if they did I'd be hard to say no how do you say I'm, but if they did, I'd be hard to say no. How do you say, I'm not signing that? Unless you're like, we're going out to dinner, man. We're leaving. I got to go. I guess I would say yes.

Joe always said hi to people and did all the things he needed to do. But when they're at the hotel, it was like, come on, man. You're at my hotel. I can't sign that stuff. Because then it's like promoting, hey, come to the hotel. We'll sign shit. Yeah, it's got to be. Like, I can't sign that stuff. Because then it's like promoting, hey, come to the hotel, we'll sign shit. Yeah, it's got to be crazy for him. But we were in Denver with, and at the same time,

so was like Dave Matthews and then like two other big acts were in town. And the amount of people that wait at musicians' buses and stuff, it's exhausting. It must be exhausting. Hundreds of people. Yeah, I mean, seriously,

it was a line down the block just to wait outside of their bus. That's crazy. But you're like, what? But I never never understood what do they get out of it like you seeing them well like maybe walking i don't know who's walking yeah i don't know what it is because they're not going to assign because they have to get on the bus so they just want to like see that like because when i was a kid and my dad would take me to like a bulls game i remember running to to the tunnel to hang out near the tunnel just to reach your hand out.

And sometimes you'd get one cool dude. It was always like a white – Bill Weddington. It was always like an old white guy who was like, okay, kid. Yeah, none of the good players. No, no. Bill's like, what? Eating cereal, watching this. But it was never like – Jordan and those guys, they would never. But also I remember that feeling. But it was never it was never like you know but jordan and those guys

they would never but also i remember that feeling but it was also because i was a kid yeah but you lose that at some point you do i do remember seeing this thing back in the 90s where they said because there was it was a photo book that i had bought of just jordan yeah like a huge high gloss one yeah rare air i don't remember. Cause that was his book. I bought, I wasn't his. It was, it was, it was done by, I think Walter Ios, the sports illustrator photographer. I think that was rare. Was it rare?

I got to look it up, but go keep talking. So there's a, there's part of it where they show him, they said, you know, by, by 97, 98. Yeah. When he was a global like phenomenon. Yeah. The most iconic person that when the team bus would pull up to a hotel you know there would be like they'd have to separate people like thousand people yeah

and they said he was always dressed um in a suit and like to like you know like fully dressed to go out yeah and it was to walk you know 12 feet right and sometimes like because other players would be dressed down like more casual stuff of course and they said that it was that it was jordan saying by then he you know obviously he's aware of his level of fame yeah he knows that some like the people that are standing there that will forever be their memory of him oh wow he wants it to be like memorable epic yeah like he walked out i mean suit like holding the coat over his arm sunglasses and you're like look at this guy he was aware that that person for the rest of life will be like man he walked out looked like that's cool you know a million bucks now that's

cool i don't even know i don't remember this just struck this weird old chord in my brain of i don't remember who said it but somebody famous i think said it on carson and an older an older comic maybe had said always sign your name uh in full like always sign all the letters and it would god i wish i knew who the story was and because he got an argument with another friend who was also famous watch it's like sinatra and i don't even remember but like they were like why do you sign because i scribble whenever i sign anything whether it's a fucking check from the bank and he said no you should sign your entire name so they can read it it's legible because if they took the time and had the bravery and the balls to come up to you to ask you for an autograph

you should take the time and have the respect to sign it so they can read it when they go home damn and i was like damn that's some old school shit that is and i'm not gonna i'm not gonna change no i'm still gonna do this fucking limp i don't know even know how to sign yesterday we had to do a wire thing for the house i had to go to the bank and do this wire and like she's watching me and she goes your autograph you want to see it yeah what do i want it where do you want me to write it on here i'll get something hold on she's watching me this woman is watching me do it and she's like you have to uh she's like she goes she says you know it has to match the signature that the bank has on file oh those are the wire

to be appropriate yes has to match the signature in the bank has on file. Oh, those are the worst. In order for the wire to be appropriate. Yes. It has to match the signature in order for the wire to be appropriate. So in my mind, I'm like, well, I don't remember what signature I gave to the bank. Yeah. What is it? And then I literally did it, and she goes, sorry, that's not it. And I did it again.

She goes, I'm sorry. The other manager had to come over and go, sir, I believe it's your full name that you initially signed when you signed up with this bank fucking whatever ago. But this is my signature now. Oh, look, I'm not going to be able to do it because I'm nervous. Hold on. That's my signature now. No, that is what it looks like. Yeah. Yeah. So I have no idea what it's just an A and an S. Yeah. But it's not an S. It's a whoopty swoop. Let me see it again. Whoop-de-swoop. Let me see it again. Wow.

Dude. Hey. Wait. I got to tell you. You're not really giving a lot. No. But also, when I sign stuff, when people, when I used to sell, like, posters after shows, I would do these art, these Red Rocket art posters.

I would sign that. I would sign it this. I go like that. That. Okay. That's closer. David Spade? That's David Spade. That's great. That's David Spade. That's great.

That's David Spade. You sign. I want to see what yours looks like now. Mine looks more like your... By the way, this was just a ploy to get this so I could sell this after the show. You can sell this, yeah. This... Yours...

The top one is ridiculous, but that's how I sign checks. If I'm going to sign a check, I have... So I have two signatures. Okay, give me both. All right. So they're very similar, but one is for like official things in which I signed Thomas. Do you really sign Thomas? For like banks and stuff like that.

Wow. Or like, you know, anything that's like a document. That's legit. Yeah, a legal thing. Right, right, right. And you've been in a lot of legal trouble lately. Are you ever going to pay back any of those fines? You'll end up like Wesley Snipes in jail.

So that's Thomas. Oh, show that to the kids. Segura, right? That's actually kind of cool looking. Yeah, it's not bad, right? No, it's not bad. And then this is the Tom Segura. Let's see.

Underneath. See, I like that one a lot more. That one looks a lot cooler. It's a little more. It just looks cooler. It's cooler. It's a lot cooler. Thank you for this.

This is going on the internet. By the way, you guys, click on the link below at buytomsignature.com. I'll be selling this. Starting bids are at 10 Gs, baby. $10,000. This is a rarity. Wow. Yeah, and all the proceeds

are going to go to me. What if you did get Jim Carrey-level famous and your whole write-up, you never autographed anything? And then you're like, I'm going to do a couple. That's really...

Honestly, Jordan, I have an autograph of Jordan on his jersey, on the two. autographed anything and then you're like and the one you did a couple that's really that honestly jordan i have an autograph of jordan uh on his jersey on the two that's framed at my mom and dad's house whoa yeah and which is very funny to me because like my dad is i was always like i'm gonna start taking this stuff back out to la when i was a kid i used to collect autographs yeah of athletes specifically only athletes and i was like i'm gonna take some of this stuff like ryan sandberg walter payton yeah um uh jordan you need them to die that's all yeah yeah it's good my mom goes my mom goes you know he's you know he's like not letting you take him on purpose my dad was like what's wrong what they're cool in this room and i was like but they're mine i want to take them to my house in

la he's like i think you should let him stay here i got that one reframed anyway so he's he wants he wants it yeah yeah like i had a ryan sandberg autograph and he put it in the basement i like that yeah and i was like you stole that from me yeah he's like i framed it so i framed it therefore it's mine it's mine well it's in his house but i had so many autographs that are now all over my mom's house but jordan when he signed it you you i a certificate of authenticity, which is like everyone knows to validate it. But he would only validate so many signatures per whatever thing he was doing. If it was a charity thing or whatever, he wouldn't sign after so many authenticity signatures or stamps are dead. Because then he was like, well, that's it for now until I do my next batch.

Because at one point, he didn't want too many signatures out there so that's why i think there's any value to jordan signatures because there's guys that have probably signed everything everything yeah but he was like really weird he was like a stickler about it for some reason so i don't even know what that jersey's worth somebody tell me by the way you can buy this signature of tom segura and the jersey at buy tom and jordan signatures.com again this is starting at 10 grand and the jersey at buytomandjordansegnatures.com. Again, this is starting at 10 grand and the jersey's starting at six because we know Tom is more popular now than Michael Jordan.

I mean, now, we're not talking about 99. Well, right now, you are. Yeah. You are. Do you have any aspirations to like when you make enough money because you've made a lot of money?

And I'm going to show, if you can see right here, this is Tom's bank account right here. We're going to show, that's his number and what he has. Would you ever buy a sports team? If I had that kind of money? Yeah. Yes. If i had that kind of money yeah yes if i had that kind of money you do you do and you might not know it we have okay i have a friend and i'm not going to mention his name because it's not my business to say but he purchased a a sports team of the smaller faction you know there's a ton of

different levels and i was blown away because i didn't call him out i didn't think of him to be that guy to buy it's like want to buy a team but he was like no i I didn't call him out. I didn't think of him to be that guy to want to buy a team, but he was like, no, it's... But you love it. I mean, wouldn't you? Like, you love sports, right? I would. Yeah.

At first, I thought that was crazy. Like, the idea is crazy. Like, you just said, you're like, what if I had that kind of money? I remember when I... Last time I went to a Dolphins game, they had just done, like, a round of, I don't know, fundraising or financing in which they got...

They sold pieces of it to like J-Lo. Sure. And, you know, they're buying like $15 and $20 million pieces in, I think. And I was like, oh, that would be the shit. Like if that money is like, yeah, I can use $20 million. Yeah, that's what I mean. And then they're like, you are a part owner of an NFL. Who would you get invested in?

of an NFL like that. Who would you get invested in? I mean, in the NFL, it's like, you know, I'm a Cincinnati home to, and they have the worst owner in all of the NFL.

Period. Yeah. It's so bad. It's embarrassing. It would be awesome because hopefully he won't live that much longer. Right.

I would love to be a part. But you know, that's, we're talking, I I mean now the values of these teams well it's absurd like you read about when

when what's his name Cuban bought the Mavs for 255 million which is an extraordinary amount of money yeah but now but now it's worth

like 2 or 3 billion dollars you know that's what's so cool about being that rich is that you're like your money is making so much more money than you could ever make yeah he couldn't make that much money anymore no just by owning a thing

makes the money the money yeah wow it's a fucked up thing it's like if you if you make a hundred or two hundred million dollars yeah and then you just let the money work you're good yeah you don't need to do it anymore you don't have to keep earning i think if i was going to buy a team i would want to buy like, like my instinct is like, buy a Chicago team, buy into a Chicago sports team. Yeah.

But then I think I would be so invested in them emotionally because I'm also financially that it would ruin the team for me. Probably. Do you know what I mean? I would become like, it would only be about the stakes.

How dope would it be to bring the Seattle basketball basketball team back that would be see that to me would be something cooler if they were like we're funding from if i was if i was worth you know half a billion and they were like we're funding we need 20 million yes to bring back the sonic so cool yeah like i love seattle yeah same nba would be sean kemp gary payton but they would have to play that season yeah yeah he He was like, I'm 48, man. Sean Kemp's like, I'm taking care of one of my 19 kids, but I could still dunk.

The Raid Man still. Give me a bump and I'll dunk. I just watched. I just watched. Because if you watch something on YouTube, it suggests other things. I watched the slam dunk contest from him. I think it was 91?

It feels like 92. 92? Yeah, something like that. Rex Chapman, him, a couple other people. Oh, Kenny think it was 91? It feels like 92. 92? Yeah, something like that. Rex Chapman, him, a couple other people. Oh, Kenny Smith was in it? Yeah. I forgot that he was in it. And watching, I mean, though, the best is that,

so you know how all the players sit around and watch? Love. That was my favorite was when they'd come and they'd dress up. Yeah, they'd dress up. They'd have handheld cameras. Yeah, and they always fall on each other. Just like in black comedy clubs. Why can't we do that?

I don't fucking know, man. Whites can't get that excited about anything fun or funny. But the best part was that, so Magic Johnson is courtside, and he's talking to the actual announcers. The HIV guy? The HIV guy's like, hey, I got HIV, and I'm here. And they go, they're like, what's going on?

And he's like, all the players want Sean. Like, all the guys are HIV and I'm here. And they go, they're like, what's going on? He's like, all the players want Sean. Like all the guys are like, we're on. So whenever Kemp would dunk, they would all just go insane. And it was the best. Like watching the emotion of it was the best. It's not like that now. Now because you can only enter when you're a rookie, right? Otherwise you're not cool anymore.

Yeah. Right. Now because you can only enter when you're a rookie, right? Otherwise, you're not cool anymore. Yeah. Right? And even still, everyone wants to look so cool that sometimes the dunks are fine. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Like, look, some guys, like Zach Levine was unreal. Some of them are dope, but sometimes the competition lacks because I think they're worried about looking cool to the vets. Looking cool, and also they're also like, how many different ways can we dunk this? After a while, right? I know, it's true. After like 30 years, you're worried about looking cool to the vets. Looking cool and also they're also like how many different ways can we dunk this? After a while. I know it's true. After like 30 years. But think about it though.

You look back at what? Look at like when the NBA was falling apart in the 80s when Jordan came aboard and literally revamped

the shittiest league on earth. The dunks back then were trash. Trash. That's true. So like you think when we've come in 40 years

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I like gingers. Fucking Kemp even walks cool. He's super pigeon-toed. Yeah. But he has like a swag to it. He has's super pigeon-toed, but he has like a swag to it. He has like a pigeon-toed swagger. And he moves with the ball so unnaturally for a guy who's 6'10". Meaning they're usually clunky, and he moves like a little point guard.

But he's 6'10", 240, and is doing ridiculous shit, man. The way he would float was so crazy. By the way, speaking of of that i know we're doing a lot of sports talk but i don't really care because i like it a lot do you think they should change the nba logo do you think they should have made it kobe i mean i get the the uh yeah the case for it yeah sure i mean like it i don't really have i don't have strong feelings about it if they were to today be like we change it to kobe okay yeah that's great i mean it is i feel like the the jerry west logo is iconic like it's world you know everyone knows it yeah but it's not i mean

first of all if they switch it to kobe that would be such huge international news yeah it would be you know what would be the symbol b of kobe go ahead i'm setting you up for a good joke just like just chilling like this you Or or or a helicopter. What do you think of Ari? No, no. It should be. By the way, to me, it should have been Jordan. Like like the jump man should have been the NBA for sure. They should they should have switched that out so long ago.

Of course. But they never would. No. And now it's like he would would be like i'm suing you for adopting my love yeah 100 well dude he's so money hungry i mean i i so he opened up a new golf course and you know i'm a big golf freak and like he opened it up so he wanted the convenience level through the roof so everything is like tip top if you order a drink first of all he think drink girls most country clubs don't have drink carts you have a shack or a station yeah at the turn or whatever or there's a bar but they don't allow drink girls on country clubs or nice courses but he was like i don't really love the idea of shacks either out there like a drink shack

so you order and they drone you drinks have you seen this online no dude it's fucking unreal course yes you so when you work where's the course in florida you you you dial up you know the clubhouse and you can order on an app and all that shit and literally there's video online they drone you your drinks out to the t-box that you're at and then it drones back fucks off right back no way yeah dude but but like very jordan because i know guys that have played with him or played with, you know, gambled with those guys. And Jordan is so sneaky about the way he gambles because he's an addict. And he'll gamble everyone he plays with for different amounts because he knows no one can handle it anymore.

Because for years, apparently he used to be like 10 grand a hole. And some guys playing would be like, I can't do that. They're like, I work in fucking middle management. Yeah. But now he'll be like, OK, Tom, you know, I know what you do for a living. He's like, I'll bet you like $100,000 a hole. And then another guy will be like, I'll bet you $10,000. And then he has different side bets going with everybody.

And apparently he's very quick to charge you. Like the moment you're done. You owe me. He's like, go to your car and get your checkbook and then we'll sit down and have a drink you're like aren't you worth 90 billion dollars yeah i mean even in that thing that last dance there was that moment where one of the lesser known players he was like he's like he came over to play cards and he won oh on the play on the yeah i remember that yeah he took my money and then he's like the player was like, why, you know, why do you want to get mine? Because, you know, like, you're rich as fuck.

Yeah. And I'm not. And it was, I'm paraphrasing, but it was something like, yeah, but now you know I got your money in my pocket. Ugh. I was like, damn. Yeah, because he, because he, for him, at some point, and i've met a few guys like this and you probably know these people too when you have too much or when you have more than more than enough money more money than you'd ever need money has literally no meaning to them other than holding

it against somebody or like how much or like how or like what could i use it for to get better than you that's all it really is. It's not like, well, for him, it's like the whole thing of like, you know, I just beat you at something.

Yeah. I got your ass. Yeah. Yeah. The money he could burn. I don't care. By the way, how gangster he's like,

thank you. And thank you, man. By the way, I'm not this whole cigar thing that's running around town. Everyone now, who did I just see? Like Burr showed up to a thing for cigars for josh adam myers and for ours man dean are you into this

shit i mean i have everyone's getting into it but i don't i don't smoke that often well see i still drink those guys all don't drink like burr doesn't drink at all burr doesn't drink no he stopped drinking josh is sober you know like a lot of these guys that I see now, so many guys are not drinking, so they supplement by having a cigar. A stogie, yeah. Yeah. I like it, but I'm also like, personally for me, it's like once in a while, I like it at night.

Like, I have friends that smoke cigars in the morning. I'm like, nah. What? Yeah. What are they, retired? Cigars and coffee. They're like, it's the best. No. are they? Retired? Cigars and coffee. They're like, it's the best. No. But I did used to smoke cigarettes

and coffee. I do like it with whiskey or bourbon. Really? I like having a cigar. But I mean, I'm doing it like I said. I mean, I don't do it even once a month. Right. It's very rare. Yeah, it's rare. But Christina smokes every day. She smokes a pack and a half a day. Really? A pack and a half of cigars a day? Yeah.

I didn't know they sell them in packs. That's wild. I guess it's a box. A box. A box and a half a day really a pack and a half of cigars a day yeah i didn't know they sell them in packs that's why it's like i guess it's a box a box and a half a day and a half a day are you are you this is a really harsh question to ask but do you love her anymore i used to yeah yeah because it just feels like it feels like there's love there, but I don't know where. Yeah. No. I mean, I have love. Yeah. You know what I mean? You have it.

But it's like, there's also a lot of guys that are nice. Do you think you'd ever make the switch? I have. Right. Already. You have? Yeah. Who would be the first guy you would date in comedy? Like, you wake up wake up you're like i think i'm gay now who's the first guy you date

um jessel nick oh my god or i would go with like a i would go he's too good looking yeah he's handsome i would go with like a little like who's a little more homely? yeah well you Burt is an obvious choice but I mean I don't want disgusting you know who's a who's kind of homely

Bobby but like gross repulsive absolutely just would have and a bad partner isn't it crazy that somebody lays down with him with both of those guys?

yeah it's honestly it's shocking and also by the way um Bobby's girlfriend is gorgeous. Yeah.

So like if she was ugly. She's got mental problems, obviously. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Because to be with him, it would take. Same with Leanne. Well, but Leanne. Yeah, but with Leanne, at least like.

No, she's got head injury she oh really yeah yeah yeah she got dropped on the head as a kid she got hit in the head with like a baseball is that why she has an accent yeah right because she's from because she's from like she's from long island long island right yeah she's from new york hey man yeah every time anybody does that i just think of theo now when i i met my buddy saw theo for the first time he came to the show that we were at and he was like he's like is the accent is that real or is that fake i was like that's a very funny question yeah i was like no he's from the south yeah it's just like it's it's accentuated in his act all the boston guys are like that oh yeah you're from boston you speak one way and then you perform dialed up right the moment they get on stage

it becomes very bian. Yes. But I don't, because we're from the Midwest, we don't sound like anything. No, until you meet somebody who goes, oh no, you have an accent. You're like, what are you talking about? Yeah, no.

You know what the funniest is? I can't even do it, which is upsetting, but there's a very distinct Miami accent, an English-speaking Miami accent. I was just going to say, it's Spanish always. Oh yeah, so if you speak like a guy from Miami, they have a really telling, Like Dave Williamson has it

I don't know who that is The comedian? Uh uh No? So he tours a lot He tours a lot with With Burt But it's like

It's really notable And when you're in Miami And you speak the way we do They go No you haven't You're like You don't know what the fuck You're talking about

Okay Well I don't like when someone says You sound like you're from California I was like That's not That's not even a real thing What's the accent the only thing that's very california is when people are this way like oh like valley yeah yeah yeah but that's very obvious yeah but how come christina's from here she never got that shit yeah i think because she

was like a goth girl and like hated the uh the valley girls i wish i could have seen her in high school be goth girl oh my god, my God. The photos are amazing. But I mean, like, I want to see her in person. Purple hair, blue hair, black hair. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Trench coat shit. Yeah. Like all the rings and all that shit.

Bro, when I met her, I met her. She was wearing fishnets, knee-high boots, leather skirt. And you miss that, don't you? Fuck yes. Yeah. I was like, you look like such a whore. What happened? Now you look like Someone I like

I care about my kids Yeah she's like I'm a fan She's like I really am trying to be A wholesome person But deep down inside Yeah

She's got the fishnets Somewhere They're there Do you ever wear stuff for her I mean I'll wear her clothes I'll wear her underwear You know Like I'll put on her stuff

Yeah you will And I'll be like Dude this turned you on You know And she's like Yeah of course She'll walk out Do you get to a point where you you'll have you tried some weird fucked up shit with each other have you gotten comfortable to be like you know what we're old enough we'll try

i'll try anything i mean i will i i think i don't think we go like super crazy you know like vacuums and pumps and stuff see that i want to try toys i mean i fuck around toys are cool i want to try the one where you put them in a bag and you suck all the air out of it that is hot dude dude i saw i saw a guy put a chick in that like and it you know it's like a latex suit and then he lowered her into a hole in the ground covered it put a rug over it and sat in a chair i was like oh my. Like the panic that person must feel. There was a, there was a dude,

there was a dude on Tik TOK who, God, I wish I knew who it was so I could promote him. He does a bit with his girlfriend, girlfriend or wife or whatever, where like, you know how you can like take someone's comment, put it on the video and then answer it in the next video.

And he was like, the next one was like, when are you going to let her out? And he's like eating an apple and his front porch and he's like maybe today and then he goes inside and he opens up underneath the sink like underneath where his sink is and she's oh no i'm sorry i'm sorry he yeah he opens up the sink he grabs uh detergent and then opens up the dishwasher she's in the dishwasher like tied up and she's And she's like, huh, huh. And he goes, no, not today.

And then closes it. I was like, oh, my God. For her to be in on it. And people, because obviously the comments are like, this is fucked up. This is human trafficking. This is torture. But it's like, do you really think someone would post that 15 videos like that? I mean, it just.

But sometimes humor goes right over people's heads. Totally. She's in on it, obviously. She's in on it. But it's also fascinating what gets people going. I love that. Like, I could talk about kinks all day because I think it's fascinating that, like, there are people who, like, nothing excites them more than the idea of somebody in a latex suit and a dishwasher tied up. You know what I mean?

And then the other person's also like, and I love that, too. See, that I don't understand. I don't understand i don't like the like the domination thing like we i watch we watch a special about that about dominatrixies and stuff and like i get why the woman likes the power thing but when the guy is getting his ball stepped on and getting kicked in the face stepped on what is it stepped on balls i don't get handing over control i understand sure but getting like hit and stuff yeah i don't understand the physical punch me i don't get. Handing over control, I understand. Sure, but getting like hit and stuff? Yeah, I mean... I don't understand the physical punch me.

I don't want to get punched or anything either. Or spit on me? This one girl was like... I know you do like that. Beat me, piss me, spit on me. But I just think there's a weird moment of,

well, now this is psychologically abusive. And obviously, it's because of psychological abuse. Yeah, that could be a part of it. I think if you're handing over control... See, there's a thing, I think, with the doms too. It's like if the guy, if the woman is, at least in his eyes, gorgeous, like beautiful, then whatever she wants to do is pleasing to receive.

Sure, because it's like... I mean, they go by goddess you know right well that's like uh have you ever seen my um the thousand pound sisters or whatever have you seen that show i'm obsessed it's like my favorite show where her face is so fat that like you're like is she asian like it's not dude it's changing it's one of the best shows on the bone structure of her face yeah she a different she's a different human but how cool you can keep transforming as time goes on that is pretty cool yeah you just lose some weight you get to be a different person every 10 years yeah that's that shit she she one of the bigger girl has a boyfriend this this black dude jerry who's got to be who's got to be 150 pounds wet you know what i mean like

as skinny as a rail yeah and like okay let's let's go over the few things that first comes to my mind black dudes like big girls but man some of them like blanket statement black dudes like big girls all my black for all every black friend i've ever had not even friend person who ever lived every black human who i know likes big girls no but but but right away you're like all right a this guy's got the dick for it probably because you can't get through all that fat you can't you can't i can't i'm i'm medium at best i mean i was with a girl in college who was thicky thicky thick just a little thick yeah i was like uh 10 she's like that's my butt cheeks that's really why when someone's like why don't white guys like big girls like because we can't get in that's him we're not big enough yeah right but then i thought this girl is a supersize they

call her ssbbw she says that on the show supersize big big beautiful and there's a whole category guys that are into ssbbws so supersize supersize so a it's because and that's yes a reference to mcdonald's a it's because they can get it because they're they're they're long enough and b i think they like the challenge the challenge of getting it in? Of just like how hard is it to have sex with someone that's that big? Oh, man. And I'm not fat shaming. I'm saying that is work.

That's got to be crazy hard. Do you think your life would be totally different, going in a totally different direction if you had a 10-inch dick? Yeah, 100%. I wouldn't be a comedian. Yeah, we were just talking about this. Yeah, no, I wouldn't be a comic at all. I'd probably just be like a guy who works a normal job yeah just like target i'd probably be a checkout guy at target yeah there's a guy that's at my grocery store down the street from my house

big dick big dick yeah i can feel it he's a sweet guy you know what i mean he's a checkout guy and he's kind of handsome he's like kind of a good looking guy he's probably in his mid-40s and then you know there's a piece of you that goes well is this a job he wants to do or he has to do and then i thought maybe he did other jobs earlier in his life that fucking sucked and his boss was a dick and he was like i don't need this fucking bullshit from you i have a big dick it i'll go beat groceries and if you are sometimes i think about this because um the business we're in ultimately it is like an unhealthy it's repulsive and we're always always like we're you're never satisfied it's never enough no you're never like

oh cool this is what i do like you're always like what about the next thing though what about yeah i need a show yeah you never go this will do yeah no it's always like so it's it's not it's not good for you right you know but then i go how great is it to be somebody with any regular job who goes, I'm perfectly content. Yeah. That's a great place to be in. It is. But what would you do if you weren't doing this? Do I have the 10-inch dick?

Yeah. Yeah. Probably Target. Target. Yeah. Or checkout somewhere. Somewhere where when I leave, I don't have to think about it. Yeah.

We would definitely not do comedy. No. I think, it's suffice to say, I'm going to put it out somewhere. Somewhere where like when I leave, I don't have to think about it. Yeah, we would definitely not do comedy. No. I think, it's suffice to say, I'm going to put it out there. Every guy in comedy has a small penis or smallish penis. How about that? Or is unaware that it's not small if it isn't. That's so true. Yeah.

Actually, I found out how medium-penised I am, and it made me so happy in high school. High school was when you find out if you have a small penis, a big penis, or a medium penis. Yeah. And it was nice because I played sports, and then you see other penises, and you go, okay, bigger, bigger, smaller, same, same, smaller, same. Yeah.

You know? I mean, I had two pro athletes. On your team? Yeah, dude. My high school pushed out pro athletes. Wow. Two brothers that both played in the NFL. Big dicks.

I mean, absurd. You knew that they knew, but you also at some point, and I was the first one to make a joke about it. I'd be like, put on, wear a towel. He would walk around after we showered and chat with people. Yeah. Where are you going tonight? And you're like, come on, will you?

Yeah. Same, same. I showered with clothes on. We did too. chat with people yeah where you going tonight and you're like come on will you yeah same same same i showered with clothes on we did too yeah and and there was a guy who would also showers are done yeah and he had a he had a thigh slapper yeah and he would just go around be like oh did you guys see and we're like dude come on he's like yo that last play and you're like banging it's banging on his thigh and we're like all right man by the way this is this is there's male etiquette to to bathroom stuff that women don't have to worry about.

It was when you walk in. Yesterday, I was in the urinal. I took the furthest one. And of course, a guy went just one too close to me. But there was one right next to the sink that he could have taken. And it's impossible to not look as a guy. If you're finishing to turn, you're going to see it.

You're going to see it. And I saw it, and it was huge. Huge. And I was like, he wanted me to see it. He wanted you. He got close for you to see it.

He wanted me to see it. Yeah. And so what did I do to him? I pulled mine back out, and I go, are you happy now? Yeah. Fine!

And I put it back away. I put it right back into my balls where it goes. Don't you hate when you're at a urinal, and you feel like you don't have a good length at the moment? Force of length, yeah. And you're like, I'm just going to, just in case someone walks in, I'm going to give it a little tug right now.

Oh, I shake. Yeah, I'll do a little waggle around. Let's get a little blood going. Right. Yeah. What I do is I pull up the head and I smack it. Yeah. You just pull it up and you smack.

Yeah, right underneath. Just get it going. Yeah. It'll start to really move and get thick. Yeah. That's a good tactic, man. I don't know. I'll take it back.

Some guys in comedy are probably built well, but I got to tell you, not... I mean, it's not the majority. No, it's definitely not. It's definitely the minority. It's definitely the minority. Speaking of which, Tom is doing shows for minorities. You're doing Spanish-speaking only shows. You're doing POC shows.

Are whites allowed to go? They can. You don't prefer them? We don't prefer it. Right. I understand that. Are ticket prices higher for whites? After you get seated, we do a collection at the white tables.

Do you know how fun that would be? Honestly, I would fucking love to do- Do you know that in today's world, everybody would be like, okay. Yeah. That's what I'm saying, though. That's how fucked up we are. I would love to do a show where black people have a ticket price. That's one. Latin people have a ticket price.

Asian people. And white people have to pay, like, a super premium. Yeah, and they're, like, as soon as you're, like, if you're white, you walk in, they're like, and it's $500. You're like, what? But, you know, whites are like, well, we'll put it on the card. I mean, it is worth the show. Just, geez. We love Tom.

Well, we went to Japan. We used to call it WPT. It was White People Tax. A lot of places that we went to in Japan would have, they have what's called tourist tax. Really? Yes, yeah. A lot of places will put tourist tax.

Have you been to Japan a lot? Twice. How great is it? I mean, the greatest place on planet Earth. Really? I literally can't say no. I really want to go. I'm obsessed.

I want to go today. I want to go back. That's on my, like, when people go, your bucket list stuff, I really want to go. I'm obsessed. I want to go today. I want to go back. That's on my, like, when people go, your bucket list stuff, I really want to go. It's genuinely one of the coolest times of my entire life. I could gush about it for, like, for hours and hours of, like, dude, honestly. You want with your wife? Yeah. Ugh.

Yeah, I know. Wanted to go with my boyfriend, but she wouldn't let me. Lose her. Plus, there's so many Japanese girls. It's like, what are you doing? That was stupid of you. Can I be honest with you? Yeah.

Japanese guys, to me, are hotter than Japanese girls. They're beautiful. Yeah. Those boys are so soft. It's like, what are you doing? That was stupid of you. Can I be honest with you? Yeah. Japanese guys to me are hotter than Japanese girls. They're beautiful. Yeah. Those boys are so soft. It's unbelievable, dude. Yeah. You get a nice 25-year-old Japanese boy who works in computer analytics or something. Yeah.

He's out at the bar late because he's worried and stressed about what's going on the next day. Mm-hmm. You take him home, back to the intercontinental. Oh, my God. I haven't thought about it or anything, but it's just something I think you can do. How long did you stay when you went each time? Japan was probably a couple of weeks. Wow. You can't do less than a week yeah you can't it's it's absurd well because

also it's like you want to do tokyo then you want to do southern japan we flew to a little island called ishigaki which is in the okinawan island chains because i wanted to like feel that difference because they say like the islands are off off the coast are totally it's like not it didn't feel like japan it felt like it felt like just a pacific island place that wasn't connected to japan it was wow the culture was different the language they say is different they also hate japanese people they do they're not a fan of mainland because i guess okinawan chain during the war was used as like their dumping sites for whatever they needed right the military kind of occupied and just really ruined everything down there so they're it's not that they don't like them i just think they feel they feel how northern california feels

about southern california yeah where you're like yeah we're the same place but we're fucking not dude i remember when i was in hong kong yeah they had eat just because you know island and there's bridges connecting to other parts. Yeah. They're like, oh, yeah, this part of the island hates that part of the island. Just like, we're talking like a mile bridge. Oh, dude, totally. But it's the same as to say, like, people from Wisconsin hate people from Illinois sometimes.

Like, just because we have this weird, dumb rivalry of, like yeah you're there and i'm there it means nothing what even closer to home north side chicago cubs south side white socks why do we hate it there's no i was just born there yeah it doesn't mean anything i just but do i hate them yeah yeah yeah of course it's just like it's built into my dna who are you which i'm a cubs i'm a north side yeah so like i don't like the white socks i think boo-boo fart you know boo-boo fart to them that's what i say when i go but i've also been but yeah no japan honestly go honest i would say that to anybody i would rather go back to japan than i would go to visit some countries for the first time because it was just so endlessly beautiful and cool and like the creepy thing when you get out of a tube stop or get a get out of a train stop no matter where you're getting off in tokyo feels like the center

of tokyo that's how fucking big and dense it is and like like people just it's everywhere dude it feels everywhere you go feels like a it feels like a fucking christopher nolan movie that's a place where where for 20 years, people wear masks. Yeah. I mean, isn't that funny that we, they wear masks all the time. Yeah. All the time.

All the time. And we go there and we're like, what's up with that guy? What is he sick? Fucking weirdo. What's up, dude? Take it off,

man. And now we're over it forever. Yeah. It's over. Yeah. That's somebody said that, uh, who,

who, who said they were in, uh, Texas and well, Texas never really fucked with the virus. They were like, we're good. But they said they were walking around, somebody goes, take that off, man.

It's over. Dude, look, you know what? He feels that way. Are you proud to be a Texan now? It's going to be a thing. I will be a Texan very soon. No, but I mean, are you going to get a driver's license and do all that shit?

Oh, yeah. You are? Oh, yeah. You are, huh? Oh, yeah. I'm going all in. Really? Yeah, man.

I'm building a studio, doing the whole thing. But I mean, like, this is forever home now, Texas? I don't know. I don't know. I was used to moving a lot. You know, we moved a lot when I was a kid. And I've lived here way longer than I've lived. I've lived here 19 years.

Yeah. And so it's the longest I've lived anywhere. I didn't think we would be leaving ever. I bought a house last year here yeah and you know it's a dump i've seen it it's a dump it's a fucking dump we moved we uh mapped out everything for like school for the you know everything was ready to go right and the thing is you're married like you know so so much of, like, the vibe of your house is, you know, how, as a couple, right? Yeah.

So, like, Christine, the idea of my wife leaving Los Angeles, I'd be like, you're out of your mind. She's an Angeleno. Right. She's born and raised here. She's fucking, she's been here forever. So, and she's always had this attitude of, like, LA or go fuck yourself, you know? Yeah, that's why I like her.

That's why you go like, oh, this would never change. Then as it came up and we started talking about it, at first when I was like, do you consider it, blah, blah, blah. Usually these things with a couple, it's like one person's kind of leading and the other person, you know. Then she surpassed me, and that's when I knew we were doing it because she would wake up and start talking about it. I was like, okay, and then I would be the one who was like,

really, are we really going to move? And when it started the other way, and as she kept being like, all the reasons why she wants to move there, it got me even more on board. And now I'm like, look, the thing that I, I'll be honest, like the most about it are two things. I love the fact that I have zero state income tax. Huge.

And I love the fact that I basically, for the most part, in a non-pandemic year, I'm on the road all the time. Yeah, I know. I tour constantly. And touring from more or less the center of the country versus the southwest corner. Yeah, LA is a gun in my mouth. It's exciting to me. I hate traveling from here i will say that dude so i sometimes sometimes i'm learning to just be like i don't want to go to lax

so bad yeah so bad i'll stop out of burbank yeah because i just don't care it's because i'm like this is such a gun in my mouth i'd rather just sit on a plane and get to another city and have another drink or watch another movie then fucking go down there and want to murder myself it's it's a nightmare i mean and like i said you know that has been for me a regular thing now for 14 yeah over a decade years yeah fuck it's just it's exhausting i start with both equations i start doing the cumulative number in other words right it's not what you save in a year in taxes it's like what do you save in 10 years it's not the time you save a year of six and five hour flights it's what is that over 10 years it probably adds up to a year of your life on a plane

at least oh god because now my flights are like two and a half three hours right which feels like nothing three hours at most yeah it feels like nothing when you do it right when you go to new york from down there it's way easier you go to new york from here it's like i'll see you in a week dude i always feel like when someone's like when you get into new york i'm like tomorrow but not i mean i'll see you i need a couple days to recover so i'm going in a fucking time machine yeah it's it feels like so it's i mean it's exciting man no i'm excited for you guys it is it is cool i would dare you to not see Rogan or talk to him the whole time that you're there. That'd be hilarious.

How funny. You guys move there for, I feel like. And then in like 2030, I'm like, do you live here too? Have you seen what he's doing down there, his club and all that shit? Yeah. Yeah, it's pretty incredible, huh? Yeah. Fucking wild.

I mean, good. Good. Rebuilding the universe. I mean, it has to be somewhere. It's, it's cool if that place becomes an epicenter of comedy. I know so many people moving there. Yeah. I can't.

No. We just bought this house and I, I have almost no money. So at this point I can't do it. I just got to like, you know, the only way is if, you know, no. Yeah, it'd be so hard. It'd be so hard to do. Also, you know, I've got the podcast with Noodles, and like, what am I going to do with that?

Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Like, he can't leave here. Dude, it would be awesome if you moved there and just started it with just any Korean guy. Like a random Korean guy. Yeah. And it was just bad for him. And you never said anything.

Yeah. It would piss him off so much. And you just got to know him on the podcast. And it became a huge hit. They're like, these guys are the shit. I just steal everything from the studio. It's all bad friend stuff. Yeah.

Do you mind if I call you Bob? He's like, oh, okay. He's like, fine for me. All right. Yeah, no, we can't go anywhere. We'll be probably, and Bert's going to stay. He is going to stay. But I mean, I'm keeping my L.A. office for a while.

Yeah. And then, like I said, I'm back all the time, man. Yeah, you'll be back. And also, we might move back. I don't know. See, that's what I think. I think more people will move back than not. I think there's people that don't – that are moving there for a temporary –

I feel like I say that because I'm being realistic. And you might just miss it and be like, I'm coming back. I do like it here. As soon as we can get back to fucking feeling somewhat human. Although, dude, I went out the other night for a friend's birthday to go meet up with them and say hi. And people were just getting shit-faced, partying like it was the old days. So I feel like a part of it's going to get back. Are you vaxxed, by the way?

No, but I have antibodies because I had it. Me too. I got tested for antibodies this week. Are we supposed to get vaxxed if we have the antibodies? Not if you have antibodies. Like now, some people who have had it don't have antibodies. Like after a shorter period of time. It just depends person to person.

I got to go get tested again for antibodies. But I think I still have them because they said it's at least six months ago. Antibodies are better than a vaccination. It just depends person to person. I got to go get tested again for antibodies, but I think I still have them because they said it's at least six months. Antibodies are better than a vaccination. The vaccine, I know. And also, a lot of people don't know this, that whether it's a vaccination or antibodies, in either case, you can still get it.

Yeah. You can still carry. Yeah. You can still spread. Totally. It's just about lowering your symptoms. And the risk level of what you would incur yes if you were gonna get it moderna pfizer johnson and johnson well i want j and j i want

one shot and take one shot but it's apparently that has the lowest what efficacy good that's what you fuck yeah low low give me low dose yeah low dose baby yeah like when i smoke weed i don't need high percentage anymore just give me a little one just let me coast yeah my buddy ep said that he was like he's like i guess i said which one do you want to get he goes oh man don't you know like black dudes we're not we're waiting for the johnson and johnson i was like why he's like don't you don't you know man it's like what do you mean he's like you don't trust pfizer modern i don't trust that shit he's like johnson johnson is a name i know i was like really is that like a thing he's like every black person i speak to is waiting for johnson johnson that's just because they're

familiar with the name i guess dude i mean he's speaking very like uh heavily about every black person but i was also like you know it's a funny joke I'm sure that's not true. I always felt like. But I get it because I Johnson Johnson. I'm like, I like that. I mean, yeah, I always felt like no more tears. But, you know, let's say you go back a couple of years before this shit started. Yeah. You bring up vaccinations for the most part.

I feel like I mean, there's always been an anti-vax group. But in this year, the the number of people anti-vax it's way higher yeah it's way higher well because misinformation is really is huge right huge and the fact that it's accelerated i think that totally that made people who are actually in medicine question it because they're like this is so fast it is weird to hear doctors go well you know we're we're finding out we don't know everything yeah and you're like well what the fuck is that even dude i know a bunch of people in health care who told me they're not they're like i'm like what are you talking about i know someone that yeah i know someone on a personal level that's close to us that didn't get it and works in health care and

i was like you're not gonna get it and they were like no i was like what yeah are we but it's like but they were like you should get it right you know wait why should i do it but also i think they're exposed to way more than we all than we are their whole life is exposure to germs and true like if that's your whole life you know it's like you it's like you and christina you expose each other to so much stuff yes on a constant basis yes you're pretty pretty much impervious to anything yeah you guys didn't even get sick when you got the virus when uh i got covid yeah no i got sick you did but just a couple days right it was it was gnarly couple i mean it was i never had a fever which was same

but i had like real aches and i was exhausted did you have foggy thing the foggy brain i was just so tired that i couldn't do like i just slept i just slept i had a i had this like um this alzheimer's thing like she was saying that i was punching her in the middle of the night i was like i don't remember any of that probably said something stupid that's right yeah covid took care of what i couldn't take care of yeah can you imagine that's a symptom they're just like you might forget hitting hitting your significant other you might knock their teeth out and it's not your fault. So I've been having COVID for about five years with her, boy.

Yeah, a lot of COVID, man. Well, dude, my heart is with you and the family as you go over there. I can't wait to see you when I go down there and we'll swim naked at Lake Travis. What's it called over there? Barton Springs. It's a nude beach. Oh, yeah. They pull your tits out.

You can pull your tits out. Yeah. You can't pull your penis out, apparently. Why can't you? Because I did, and they freaked out. Why can't you pull your dick out? Well, they pulled their boobs out, and I had my penis out, and kids are crying, and people are screaming and running away, and I'm like... It doesn't make sense.

I'll change that. I think... I'll change that. I think penis and boobs are one and the same. They totally are. First of all, what are you doing with your boobs if you don't want a penis on them? In them. In between them. In them, on them.

Yeah, exactly. So we'll go naked swimming in Barton Springs. I want to go look at your car right now. So thank you for doing this. Yeah. It's good to see you once again. We end the episode with one word or one phrase. Those are fresh.

What are those, by the way? Man, you always have nice kicks. What size shoe are you? Ten and a half. Damn, I was going to say, give me some shoes that you don't wear. What do you wear kicks what's that shoe you ten and a half damn i was gonna say give me some shoes that you don't wear what do you wear i'm a 12 or 12 and a half you oh you that you vary between sizes some shoes i'm a 12 someone 12 and a half i don't know why like nikes i'm always what about dress shoes don't you go down in high heels high heels i'm a half up like you're half up yeah like if in my um in my uh in my stilettos, I'm always like a 13.

Wow. Well, my toes are big. So when I wear high heels, I have to have more wiggle room. Yeah. But yeah, when I wear sneakers, like these sneaks are 12. But then if I wear Nikes, I got to be 12 and a half. Oh, okay. Something about the little kids that made it, like their hands.

I think sometimes they fuck up when they're making the shoes. They do. They do. There's a thing you can pay. Yeah. I don't know if it's on the app. It might be on the site.

You can pay to find out who fucked up. On your shoes on the Nike app? And if you pay, if you pay extra, they'll hurt them. Oh, they will? Yeah. By the way,

that it has been proposed. And they'll send you a picture, like here's a bruise. You know, the Chinese government at one point was like, this is not a bad idea. This is a pretty cool idea. This is what Americans are good at, is good ideas. Also, speaking of which, I heard the Chinese government, they're like trying to investigate

them to find out that they knew two months before the virus was spreading that they could have told us, but they refused not to. Wasn't the... Two months? Two months. They said the, what is it? NSA or somebody was like, oh, this was definitely lab produced.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They said it was lab leaked. But we have the sister lab here in South Carolina. You know that, right? Their Wuhan lab, we have a sister lab here. So they had communicated

about what they were working on. Like, this shit is dope. This shit is fire. Wait till it gets out. By the way, zero cases in South Carolina. You know, they were just like, we're out of here.

Fuck that. This shit is fire. Wait till this fuck it that's a chinese guy with a southern accent he's working between both white till this shit gets out dude here's all i know yeah the world's a pretty cool place man i'm gonna walk off camera you give me one word or one phrase this is uh your segura goodbye up for who knows how long so make it really count man okay in here we pour whisk Whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You're that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful.

You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers.