Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Tony Hinchcliffe

Episode Date: March 29, 2019

Santino sits down with comedian and podcast (Kill Tony) host to talk about traveling the world with Kill Tony Live and getting food poisoning, watching Sully too stoned and the comedy bubble and its looming bust. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Cheers, dude. Cheers to you, brother. Cheers to you. Thank you for coming. Ladies and gentlemen, my guest today is Mr. Tony Hinchcliffe, one of my favorite people on earth. I say that for all my guests, but I mean it for you. Thanks for being here, dude. Ooh, that is delicious.

You like that? Yeah. You know, some of the fans are always bugging. What are you drinking? What are you drinking? Today, it's Elijah Craig. Okay? You're going to be okay with that?

You're going to bitch about that online, too? Isn't it remarkable how many people talk shit? And you know what's so funny? I was watching your popular, should everyone on here watch it, Kill Tony podcast. And I was watching the live stream and it's so funny to watch people fight in the live stream not about the show oh it's like what the fuck you what the fuck you guys wasting time watch the show enjoy the show but then people like some dude will be like shut the fuck up and someone dude's like fuck you and then it inevitably goes

to like suck my dick mother it's it gets in this huge battle and you're like they're not even watching the fucking show right like it's it's what's the point yeah but i think i think the thing with like uh the balance of the internet with with podcasts now has become those people get weeded out by real fans because real fans don't have time for it they're like dude get the fuck out get the fuck out of here like i'll find that when someone talks shit on a on something like my fans or even other people's fans will just be like dude fuck get the fuck out of here and they'll and they'll it pushed them out you know from being a part of it yeah which is kind of incredible it's like the the growth of the community is it's wild i mean you've seen it do it since i first how long has kill tony been going on uh almost six years okay when i first did kill tony i don't

even remember when i first did it but like now the the difference you've seen the growth right you've seen like it's it's fucking insane yeah and to watch it happen from my perspective as a comic and a friend i think what's incredible is you see fans that like really want to fucking be a part of that thing i mean with yours it's it. I mean, with yours, it's, it's special. If people don't know, it's incredible. It's a live show at the comedy store. They invite a guest on,

I've done it a bunch and each, you know, they, Tony and, and Red Band, Brian Red Band, they do a little bit of time and, and fuck around and talk and do a regular podcast. And then they pick names out of a half for people to come do.

Is it one minute? Yeah. It's one 60 seconds, baby. And then you, and then you get the kitty. Yeah. And then you're fucked and then you're off. And then it is it one minute yeah it's one 60 seconds baby and then you and then you get the kitty yeah and then you're fucked then you're off then it's it and then that's it and then tony and red band and whoever the guest is uh i mean this is what's interesting is i used to think i was like man i wonder if they're shitting on that but nine times

out of ten it's not shitting on the person it's having fun with them yeah unless they're a dick yeah and then they get then they get fucking it's always evolved in the beginning it was we gave a lot of advice it was all about stand-up comedy and you know becoming a stand-up comedian and all that and it's sort of just evolved to it was also you know it's always always had roasty elements to it totally like that's my that's you you know go to it's just a one and kind of brian sometimes which is weird like he's great red band doesn't seem like that guy yeah but then when he pulls out shit you're like oh he's got it all on the computer right he's researching people

and uh queuing up music he is so good at that and it's evolved into sort of they go from doing stand-up for a minute to being like being a the podcast, basically. And all of a sudden, you're on a podcast with me and Redman and whoever the guest is, you or Ron White or whatever, you know what I mean? Or Joe Rogan. And sometimes these people are up there with heroes. They just did stand-up for the first time in front of Ron White. What? Yeah, that's awesome.

I grew up watching that. You know what I mean? It's just... It's a lot better than the coffee shop open mic they're going to do the next night. Yeah. It's a lot more balanced. So then by the time we're in that part,

it's sort of like a race for me to figure out interesting stuff about them or find out, you know? Yeah, it's interesting. I mean, what you have to do is like, as an observer, what's wild about the show is you're working overtime on trying to figure out what's the next the show is you're working overtime

on trying to figure out what's the next bit of juicy conversation to move to the next thing so it doesn't get stalled out. Because I got to tell you, the times that I've done it, we've run into so many barriers.

You keep plugging and trying to find the right thing to talk to them about. It's crazy. It's really the ultimate, in my opinion, the ultimate improv show. It is.

Especially one that streams live out to the internet. Right. Everybody's on the spot there. Right, there's no cuts, there's no edits, there's none of that shit. Yeah, it's either there or it's fucking bombing. Yeah, and that's why, you know,

I always say Jeremiah is like living a dream over there. Oh my God. An hour and a half in character. Can you imagine him as a child, by the way? I think about that all the time. Like his parents must have fucking hated him because he was jeremiah watkins if you don't know he's part of the kill tony show he is so overwhelmingly inundated with character work and quick jokes

and small small small roast jokes and like he's constantly trying to figure out new angles and new characters and it's impressive as fuck we're doing the dance we're pushing each other oh my god yeah last night he was jeff foxworthy for an hour and a half we had ron white as the guest well here's here's a little i'll tell you this is like some cool background information that no one knows is that we found out that ron was going to be late i found out earlier in the afternoon, and I gave them a heads up. And I remember now in retrospect telling Jeremiah, because, you know, what are the odds? But, you know, you never know what characters they're going to be because they play, the band plays different characters each episode. And they hide it from you guys. Right.

And it's always a secret. So when they come out from the back, it's me seeing them for the first time all night. And it's always so funny to me. Like, I don't want to sound like a psychopath, but the band is one of my favorite things in all of comedy in my opinion it makes me laugh really they just so happen to be on my show you know what i'm saying so it's one of those things where i get to really be a fan of something live too and it's as honest and real as it gets like i love the fact that we've always kept it that way separated green rooms even when we're on the road or whatever like they'll find uh whether it's a second green room or a janitor's closet or a handicapped bathroom.

Like there's been so many different places everywhere where they're in these character characters. And so anyway, but I didn't get to give Jeremiah heads up until like maybe 20 or 30 minutes before the show. I go, hey, also another heads just a heads up. Ron White's running late. He's going to be like 30, 40 minutes late. We're going to start, and I'm going to say at the top of the show, Ron's going to come up here. He's running a little bit late.

We're going to start the show without him. He's going to walk up here and join us when he gets here. And I remember Jeremiah sort of just being like, hmm. He marched off to go find Joel. It was one of those things where i could tell somehow it correlated with the guests the rare opportunity which was the only reason i was telling him in the first place and it hit him like a ton of bricks because he was because joel was a mexican larry the cable guy and chroma chris on guitar was bill angvall which is perfect

because i don't know much about bill angvall, to be honest with you. But he seems like the guitar guy. Well, he seems like he'd be the most quiet. Yeah, he doesn't say shit because you don't know anything about the guy. Which is exactly what Chroma Chris is. Yeah, Chroma Chris is pretty silent. Oh, yeah. He says one or two things.

But when he does say shit, it's good, right? Like he's one of those grenade guys that like holds it in and holds it in and then he lets it go and everyone fucking loves it yeah versus the guy that's like rapid fire like sometimes joel be rapid fire and he'll be competing with with jeremiah right and that's it's hard because they're going they're like head to head those fucking dudes like constantly like what's funny is that it all started the same way like jeremiah started with as just the band with pat reagan right and he would barely ever say anything but when he did it was massive and then joel came out of nowhere sort of the same way and uh again would only say one two three things per show but then boom but it was huge right and so it's sort of funny i'm like is chroma chris to end up being... The secret weapon?

Another part of the evolution. They sort of learn and pick up. It really is like a real band. Yeah, it is. It's just the first time you guys... I have a lot of Kill Tony stuff. I think a lot of people watch the show or are involved in the podcast and love going to the live show. I don't think a lot of people know a lot of the secrets

and kind of the strife that comes along with that so i like i'm super interested in it because we know the inside shit of of stand-up and touring but doing a show on the road like that is a whole different fucking beast that i think people don't even understand like when we go by ourselves and go to different cities so much much much easier than a traveling with somebody else right even traveling with one person your coordinating schedule but you guys have five total people yeah that you traveling with one person is annoying it's when they have to use the restroom and you don't after a flight or like whatever that oh i left my charger on the plane you're like oh two minutes is death yeah two minutes

that you're still at an airport once you land in a city. And you know you only have maybe an hour and a half, two, three hours at the hotel. Right. And meanwhile, Jeremiah left his wigs in the overhead bin or some shit. Jeremiah always has to pee after the plane lands. Really? Is that his shit? At LAX, if we're just getting home. If it's like a one-hour flight, doesn't matter.

Vegas. Vegas. San Diego, this guy. He's pissing. I have to pee. His little girl bladder, He can't hold it. It's unbelievable this guy. It's got to be mental.

It's got to be his brain ghost. We pee. This is when we pee. We land when we pee. He doesn't have to fucking pee. His mind's going to be blown when he finds out that I talked about this. We want to talk about more shit. It's such a running thing between us. He gets sort of annoyed at it.

But it's annoying to you. Right. He'll bring it up weird now. Like, hey man, got a... That is very him. Gotta do the thing that you hate. So it's becoming sort of like a... Do you guys ever fuck with him? You guys should fuck with him.

Here's a good one. When he goes to piss, you guys take the Uber or the car or whatever you're doing and just leave his ass there. Just go. Yeah. Make him go separate. Yeah. You know, what the fuck? He fucking figure it out. Be a grown man. In fact, I feel like, I feel like when I, when I first started trying to go out on the road

with people, I feel like it was like a fend for yourself type of shit anyway. It was like, figure it out. I mean, sometimes now it's a fend for your fucking self. Sometimes I get to the fucking spot and things aren't arranged right and I have to make phone calls and yell at people and get mad and it's like, oh, it's just to figure it out. I mean, sometimes now it's a fend for your fucking self. Sometimes I get to the fucking spot and things aren't arranged right. And I have to make phone calls and yell at people and get mad. And it's like, oh, just figure it out yourself. Right. But you guys have to travel with four or five people depending on who you take.

Was this the first time you went overseas? Yeah. This year? Yep. That was nuts because you guys did London, England, Ireland. What other countries did you do? We did Dublin, London, and Manchester. So England and Ireland were the two spots. but then you went all over the place.

Yeah. And you guys got food poisoning. Yeah, we got sick. We think it might be food poisoning. I'm 50-50 on it. I've heard different stories of what you guys ate. Yeah, we ate a bunch of crazy food in Dublin, Ireland that first night. We went really hard.

Yeah. Really hard. Were you drinking too? We were drinking too, yeah, for sure. But Jeremiah got it too. Oh, yeah, and he doesn't drink yeah we it was either from shaking hands after the ireland show irish people are pigs is that what you're trying to say i basically shitting on my people yeah i mean really it was a really dirty dirty crew yeah we are dirty fucking people and so i i think that's

what it was because i was researching humans i was googling immediately every side you know, trying to figure out the combination and the differences between food poisoning and whatever it is, gastroenteritis or whatever, whatever the official name of the 24 hour bug is. I've had those. I've had both. The last time I got fucking food poisoning, speaking of which, was that, and I'll shout them out. I'll call them out. Green Blast Deli, dude. Whoa. So bad.

What'd you order from there? Dude, turkey chili. And I swear to God, I was leaving on a flight to go to Philly the next day. The next evening, right? I was taking a red eye. And I swear to God, dude, I've had food poisoning three times in my life. And the other one was from the old Irvine Improv. Man, I wanted to burn that place to the ground. I was so sick for two and a half days their turkey chili no yeah no i don't

know what it was always turkey chili every time i don't learn my lesson so i had turkey chili again uh no so i but i had i had turkey chili at greenblatt's and i'll never forget the feeling and i because i knew i was getting sick because i walked in the house i sat on the couch for a second and then i was like god I'm having that thing again, where I feel like loose, kind of like out of it in the head. Like if you're too drunk or you're, you know what I mean? Like you're coming down off of something, but you still feel a little woozy, you know, when you're like post hungover. And I, that's how it starts. And I remember I sat down on, on, on the floor cause my stomach was hurting so bad.

Dude, I was sick for three, four hours into the night. So much that I got up and I almost passed out because I was dehydrated. I couldn't. It was unbelievable what we had in. We had to fly the next morning. Were you both holes, by the way? Was it out the front? It was a top and bottom?

So in the middle of the night, I woke up and sort of had like upset belly but really didn't wasn't positive that it was an upset belly i woke up sweaty super sweaty and with very toxic thoughts i remember like it felt like i was coming out of a nightmare and i was still just thinking these like bad you know what i mean yeah fuck this and fuck that sort of just like when you have a terrible dream and your mind is like. It was just a bad wake up. And I remember specifically being, God, I feel mad about stuff. Yeah. And that's weird. That's a weird feeling to have at like.

Well, for me, it's pretty normal. 4 a.m., yeah. And so I went to take a shit and I took a shit, threw up, took another shit, threw up. And at that point, I'm like packing because we have to get to the airport. And then I remember I got down. I was the first one down there like 10 minutes early. We were meeting at 5 a.m. I was there at 4.50 out front.

And none of the other guys were there yet. And all of a sudden, I feel a little gurgle in my belly. I'm like, oh, I have to shit again. So I had to take my bags and go to the lobby level of the hotel. Usually a nice place to shit, by the way. Yeah, usually. Nice bathrooms. I got a lot of bags.

They only had the tiny hook on the door. One hook? The tiniest hook. Fucking asshole, dude. So it's one of those ones where I had to hold my backpack against the hook. Gross. And then I get back out after that, and it's like you know just a mess just a debacle and um i go back out front and those guys are there and they're literally just like poof and

everyone's red band is passing me by as i'm walking out front and he's going to the restroom but i still hadn't made the connection i'm like i'm sick right there's no way i never yeah you don't think at this point i'm like oh god no there's no way i hadn't thought about it once right and i get out front there's jeremiah just like i'm like are you okay he's like because i'm sick as a dog and i haven't nobody knows right i go are you i can see him being like oh man he goes you think it's a character i'm not good i'm sick i go me too and it's it was almost this bonding right reveal got your periods at the same time sisters god this was a nasty thing dude i was asleep you did a show though the next day sick that right no that day that day show that day we

traveled to manchester and did a show that way how to cancel to Manchester and did a show that night. No way. I'd have canceled. I think that if we were all together, we would have canceled, but we all went into our separate hotel rooms in Manchester, and we're just all sick separately. Then we got together, got in the car. We were all sick. We threw up on the way to and from the airport that morning. That taxi cab ride to the airport to fly to england that morning i remember sliding the the open we were at a red light and there was traffic thank god like it was

just because i we were we were going to go no matter what you threw up out of the out of the taxi i walked out i'm not i'm not the kind of guy to just hang my head out of a taxi with other people in there i'm better than that you're classy guy take the smooth two steps i was really smooth about it i would have been it was one of those sliding doors that way and then in europe you have to like face the people or whatever that are like right in the thing with you so i i we were at a red light and i literally go uh i'm gonna be right back if you could just pull over uh when you get a chance uh i'm gonna be right back. If you could just pull over when you get a chance. I'm going to be right back. There was another lane. We were in the middle lane. Anyway, did the smooth walk and just sprayed it, man.

I mean, we were so sick it was crazy. We legitimately probably in retrospect all should have gone to the hospital that day. I wish if I wish something on my worst enemy, it's food poisoning. Because food poisoning is like one of the worst things I've ever had in my life. It makes you feel like you're like, this is, this is, I'd rather break a fucking bone, chip a tooth. I'd rather get punched in the face. Food poisoning is so fucking agonizing because you can't do, you can't do anything about it. And yet to do a show, that's nuts.

Because when I flew to Philly after I was sick, dude, I remember calling my fucking agent being like, I'm not going to Philly. I blacked out on my toilet. I literally blacked out. I grabbed the toilet so I didn't hit my fucking face because I remember it going black because I was so dehydrated. And every time I put water in, didn't even sit. And I called my agent. I was like, I'm not going. He's like, well, just rest.

We can't cancel. I was like, no, we can't. you know i was like no we can't i am in a fucking can i don't i don't i don't care yeah and then i slept for for no shit like 13 hours and i don't i don't sleep dude like i i sleep maybe six hours a night yeah it's bad i'm sure it's bad and i'm gonna die and people like you gotta get like i don't i don't i'm not good at it i don't give a fuck but but i slept for maybe like 12 or 13 hours and i'm like out i'm talking like a light and when i woke up i was good enough to put something in my stomach but even then the plane ride to philly was fucking treacherous brutal here's the worst fucking part i get to

philly and they know that i was taking a late night flight i get there get to the hotel hotel guy yeah the um the room isn't ready oh and i was like hey man you have no fucking idea what the past 24 hours have been for me so until if you don't get a room ready i'm gonna sleep right there in the middle of your lobby yeah and i was being i was being such a cunt about it because i was in a bad mood i threw all my shit down right by the desk and i slept right on the couch in the middle of the lobby yeah i think i was on the phone he's like i can hear him he's like he's um he's he's like laying on the main couch yeah fun fact yeah when we landed in manchester the hotel that we went to our rooms weren't ready none of them of course and the uh there was a mess up on

my management's part oh for the hotels yeah oh shit and they had accidentally somehow reserved that hotel for the day before. Oh, fuck. So the whole thing's lapsed and the reservations are gone. And I'm never that guy. But it was exactly the wrong day and the wrong time. And I had to, you know. You're like, that's it.

I had to flex up on some people. That's it. There's a breaking point when you're like, I'm doing my best. I'm flying across the country for you around the world well traveling is really the thing like that's i can't have i there's almost nothing i feel like that could happen in los angeles to me that would make me make you that mad meanwhile i've had them at lax totally had them at lax i once had to say why don't you learn how to speak English? Some dude's like, I drank.

You're like, no. It was bad. But really, though. You have to say those words. Like, I caught myself. I'm like, oh my god. You sound like one of my uncles. I have to get out of here. Why doesn't he learn how to speak? It's America. Speak American, pal. Dumb ass. Oh my god. That's like everybody I know in Chicago well he lives here

bozo asshole speak English dude oh that'd be the greatest show in the history of uh Chicago people yelling at people

racist you just take a bunch of racists right put them give them body cams and you just drop them off at LAX don't tell them

what flight they're getting on don't give them put them in the international terminal see what happens put all these where'd all these Asians going. Put them in the international terminal. See what happens. Put all these Asians going.

How many are you? The international. You mean every terminal? Yeah, all the terminals. They're all international. It's mostly. But by the way, you know what the funny thing about LAX is? There is one terminal. I don't know if it's two, but it's all the like the like the random airlines you've never

heard of. Do you know what I mean? Like Allegiant or like Aeromexico. Ones that you're like, I don't know anyone that's ever flown any of these fucking airlines but i never hear of them crashing which makes me laugh that i'm like never heard of them but you know you've never heard of it i never i've never heard a legionnaire crashed so they must be okay it's just you see how janky the terminal looks right and you're like that's a that's where people go to that's where you go to die oh well they put them all in terminal one at lax so that you can look at them like a zoo like it's like oh here's the poor people take pictures on the way in

the poor people is in one no that's like that's like if you ever fly certain i don't this is such a non it's such a non-american thing and i but you know we don't do this shit but certain countries around the world if it's like a bumpy flight they clap when you have you ever been on a flight where they clap when you land it drives me crazy mexico by the way the two times i've had bad turbulence going into mexico in different parts of mexico they clapped like and they lost it i mean they were like and people were praising jesus and shit i was like it's always uh it's always jesus didn't save the fucking plane science did it's always the trashy cities or the trashy people that are obviously going to do that. Like you can almost predict.

Well, because they've never flown before. Right. Do you know what I mean? Like that's the first time on an airplane. Right. So when it hits a bump, you go, yeah, turbulence, wind, pressure. Yeah. Sure.

They go, the devil, the devil just hit the plane. The devil just hit the plane. Yeah. Like they think, I think the funniest thing about like this, with these plane crashes, They go, the devil. The devil just hit the plane. The devil just hit the plane. Like they think, I think the funniest thing about like this, with these plane crashes, with those, those Boeings, the funniest thing is, is every pilot will tell you, it's not going to fucking, turbulence is not going to crash your plane. Right. It's all the other shit that's going to crash the fucking plane. Yeah.

It's a computer's malfunctioning. It's a weird takeoff. It's an imbalance of weight in the plane. It's all that shit they have to worry about. But like a bump in the sky, it's always so weird when people are like, it's like, dude, that's not going to, if you think that's it, you're crazy. It's an engine will fail before the bump in the sky will fucking do anything to us. Never happens, by the way.

I actually know about this because I'm obsessed with flying planes. Oh, really? I know how every plane crash. Now I'm learning about private plane crashes, but I already know about every commercial plane crash this is really funny because you know i got i got really into it when i first started traveling because i was curious i was like i wonder what really does take down planes because i was coming i've told this story before but i'll quickly say i was leaving indianapolis and i was going to new

york and dude the weather was so fucking bad outside i was like they'll never take off it was a jumper plane you know those like two two seats one seats was a tiny little uh regional jet and it was so fucking bad outside i was like no, no way. And they got on the PA and they were like, we're going to delay for a while. So I'm like, okay, good. Cause dude, I mean the wind, you can hear the wind, you know, you can fucking hear the wind inside. You're like, we're going to fucking fly in this. So we're waiting for a while. Uh, they're like, it's okay to get on now. It's a half an hour goes by. We get on this flight. It's so bad taken off that I'm like, God damn, this is fuck. I mean, it it was bad and even i'm looking around and i'm pretty good

on planes but i'm looking around and people are going hmm you know people are kind of getting like what the fuck you know because we're doing this thing you know like like bumps are fine we're like sideways like the wings are going and i look over to my fucking right and the only guy who's not throwing any sort of emotion out into the world is bobby knight the basketball coach bobby knight and i was like what the fuck so of course like right away i was like yeah god's not gonna kill me and bobby knight like no fucking way right i don't want to be second on the newspaper list you know yeah i can't be like bobby knight dies also somewhat known comedian like i can't be can't be that i was like god ain't gonna fucking kill me

now yeah i was fine but that flight was so fucking bad that after that and i was on a shitty road road run i was so fucking angry but i sat on the computer for hours and looked up all that shit like everything about plane crashes and the one thing you do learn is nothing's ever been knocked out of the sky ever ever in the history yeah isn't that wild yeah yeah it's amazing never happened of all the of all the times planes have crashed for dumb shit you know like every time i go to uh uh fucking uh madison wisconsin which i love that's one of my favorite clubs at comedy on state i always make fun of them because in those two lakes that's around the city that's where otis redding's plane crashed in lake monona or whatever they were taken

off to leave fog wasog was so bad, crashed right in the front. Just pilot error. Most of that shit is like... Yeah, they didn't do the weights right, something in pre-check. And you know what back then too? These fucking,

they were booze bags. You know what I mean? It's like Ed McMahon on Carson. It's blacked out like half of the episodes. And he would drive home. Have you heard of those stories? That's why that they have cars

that pick you up apparently. That's the room that's the rumor i heard was that he would get so fucked up ed mcmahon yeah yeah from carson yeah that he would get so bad fucked up that he would drive home and they were afraid so they'd send cars for people and so that kind of like started this revolution of like well people drink in the studio and they go home and they can hit something where it's on warner brothers you know what I mean? Or on CBS or NBC. So, you know, I think that's part of it. But back then, drinking, day drinking was like fucking normal. Like you see pilots just slamming them back at the bar before they get on the plane.

Which, you know, they probably could use. Those poor fucks. I was scared when I saw Sully Sullenberger for the first time. The movie or the guy? No, the actual guy. Like I'm like, ooh, he looks like he's a drinker luckily he wasn't he wasn't for that but he looks like a drunk huh oh he just looks like he's got the you know he's it looks like uh the dude sort of from uh but like if he got like an

extreme makeover or something like that if he got his shit together yeah have you got a fucking haircut and here's your new look it's just i fucking love it that you got that you got indicted oh for landing a plane safely that that's it's so wait wait tell me this yeah you you looked up all this shit about airplanes because you were like on them so much that you're like you just want to know so you got into pride you wanted to know about private flights and shit and why they crash actually what, what happened was I started thinking about how cool it would be to fly and learn how to fly. And go from gig to gig and eventually down the road, take friends and just, you know, not smoke pot or drink that morning. And, you know, just do it.

Just work it like it's a real thing because i started thinking about it like it's like if it's a car because once i realized that if you have your own if you have a place to land and you have a place to take off and you have a plane then you can go anywhere yeah well those single engine cessans have you ever flown in those uh like the cessans the one engine plane so i so i spent a ton of time. And by the way, I think about this all the time. If and when I have kids, I'll fucking never let them on those planes. Because those are the ones that crash. The Cessnas crash constantly.

They crash here in Southern California like every week in the fucking news. They go through someone's living room. Harrison Ford crashes like two a month. Twice. Yeah. He crashed Cessnas twice. And one time he landed on a golf course, Penmar in Santa Monica. And that motherfucker, he must have made a steal.

To crash a plane twice and not get hurt once is fucking insane. But I used to fly in them because a guy I went to college with, he went to flight school and he became a pilot. And while we were in college,

he was like, hey, let's take a Cessna to San Diego. So we did. You know? And now in retrospect, I'm like, we were fucking bags of shit. We should have definitely crashed and died.

What do you mean, let's take a... Oh, he flew you. Yeah, we flew. And you were his co-pilot. No, I mean, I was just sitting there. I didn't do shit. But he flew. He flew us.

We went to San Diego. The one time, the scariest time, is we took a Cessna in Denver. And we were flying over Denver and the Continental Divide, the highest point out there. And the wind was so strong that the plane was getting pushed back. This is a bullshit-ass tiny plane, you know, the highest point out there and the wind was so strong that the plane was getting like pushed back. It's a, this is a bullshit ass

tiny plane, you know, and the winds were pushing us and we weren't gaining enough elevation. It was pushing our wings down. So he goes, I'm going to circle up,

you know. Meanwhile, his brother is sick as fuck and he keeps doing those zero gravity drops and his brother's like, oh, you know what I mean?

Like his stomach is in his fucking brain and we're circling up to gain elvish. But every time we went up, it was pushing us down. And at some point, I had one moment of college clarity because I was a dipshit. I was probably stoned. I was like, I feel like this is a bad idea. And he was even, and he's a smart dude.

And he was like, yeah, we're not going to try at all. Because I thought, this is how dumb shit happens. Some idiot goes, fucking do it. And they just go for it. And then they fucking die. But after that, I was like, I don't think I should fly in these fucking things anymore. Because you realize at some point, it's all fun until you're like, this isn't a fucking safe plane. There's not a pressurized cabin.

It's just a bullshit engine and me and him. And there's no safety issue you know what i mean like he knew but like i'm about to be in them i'm i'm into it see i'm into it if you're being safe and cool dude we were 20 year old jack is right that's we were punk ass stuff yes yes yeah yeah but you should be able to once you have enough altitude you should be able to land anywhere and that's another thing is like you know uh not only do they not crash they almost only exclusively crash on take off and landing yeah every time so and uh and you should just be able to land even without an engine with half a half your flight like it should if you offset everything right even if you had no landing gear

you should still be able to figure out the safest way to possibly land that plane that's why it could be disastrous but yeah that's why what sully did is so crazy is that that never happened so it's never happened before like when they say like hey water landing stuffs everything get your inflatables like that's just to calm your last thoughts if they just so happen to be crashing into water right there's no it doesn't happen but also when they say that that was a miracle on the hudson like that's an understatement what that guy did miracles happen right yeah but what he did doesn't happen that only will never happen again and it was only him yeah yeah in the history of time it'll never happen even if he did it 50 more times it wouldn't go that great every time no i'm sure he

would admit that oh maybe maybe a wing would get clipped yeah something bad would oh yeah there's gus it's he's it's like a guy that beat a video game his first time playing it without dying once and like he's like well i knew i could do that it's like well how'd once. And he's like, well, I knew I could do that. It's like, well, how'd you know? He's like, because I fucking know. I'm the shit. You're like, okay. I watched that movie so baked on fucking tincture. Out of my mind, the worst idea I've ever had

is going to see that movie baked. I didn't know. I didn't buy the tickets. Fucking Adam did, and I stupidly was like, what are we going to see? I couldn't even buy the tickets. I was so high. He was like, we're going to see? I couldn't even buy the tickets I was so high. He was like we're going to see Sully. I was like this is probably the worst

I don't want to be high watching a plane crash movie but it was so anticlimactic because you know it's going to go okay and then when they land the plane like when they land it you're like

yeah right. It's a tough one to get high for because after the plane lands it's just all drama. It's boring. It's just action and then drama. Yeah the annoying drama.

By the way in the demo part of when they're trying to trial trial land that in sully the the plane will go pull up net net net net too low too low i'm a piece of shit and i know fucking my lady hates it when we have bad turbulence together yeah and so i'll always do that i'll go map map map too low too low i'm so mean like when we're like when we're getting turbulent we're like coming down we're like on an approach i'll do that she fucking i'll go pull up too low and she's like stop it like map map map map i it's so fucked up but like i just that's the the idea to me when i'm coming down to land it never i'm always like we're good even if he fucks this up real bad we're still good you know no you're good yeah you ever have you ever had a uh a go around togo the one where you touch and

leave well yeah you have to go full no but i think he's done it like three fucking times he's bird or bill burr burr bill burr has been in a plane where it's touched and done that i think he said two or three times it's only happened to me once let me tell you something it happened it's it's pretty like common thing in places with bad weather and things like that i guess not that common still a rare thing uh but like for small planes and stuff like sometimes of a 30 mile an hour wind gust comes out of nowhere which happens in weather you got to just you know give go get get back up again you have to get the altitude that it takes to do whatever and the speed but when it happens in la on a 737 or a 727 a big plane because it takes a lot more energy to get that going back up again.

Yeah. Not an easy thing after you're back down. That was here in LA? The air is thicker down here, so it's also just hard to get that energy as it is up there. When you notice that the guy, remember when the guy stole that plane up in Seattle? Yeah. Which I guarantee, I think me and this guy had the same flight simulator i'm pretty sure right right because he was like this is pretty fucking awesome it was really easy to steal that it seemed so easy for that guy to steal that fucking plane yeah and they were like you're gonna hurt yourself he's like

i'm not gonna hurt anybody else it was like the nicest suicide i've ever heard in my life he was like i don't want to hurt anybody man i just i fucking i i love flying and i hate life and you're like this guy let this guy do it it's a pretty cool suicide it was the coolest of the suicides if you're gonna do it what's funny is like so many of these things were happening though that he didn't account for right like he's used to planes flying for a while because they're up in the sky with thinner air so he's burning through fuel he's looking at his fuel gauge literally saying to the people like i think something might be wrong with my fuel gauge because he's just because he's just flying around like sightseeing going nowhere

people don't do right and uh i can't remember the other oh he started vomiting at some point yeah it's like i'm not feeling so good you can tell he's just you think it just hit him that he was like oh i stole a fucking airplane oh of course like at some point it sinks in oh of course all of that and the actual physical feeling of the guilt and fright that must be happening yeah the weight of that is right literally you know yeah that's you're in control of this whole crazy so everything you see and are smelling and feeling and all by himself right no it was so funny he said no nobody was on it yeah well they never expected anybody to ever do anything like that that's why it is there i've always thought that a lot when looking at the people at the airports that are there at 6 a.m doing you know throwing bags and the thing like the airport's

always been such an intriguing place to me because they're so close to being somewhere else yet they're there you know yeah yeah yeah yeah and uh and they're going nowhere well i mean well it's it it is a crazy gig because they're not only that but they're also surrounded by people all day that are coming from somewhere or going somewhere yeah it's one or the other no one else just goes there only the employees of an airport just go there and then leave everybody i think about that all the time about who works in an airport every time i go and i have a drink or some something to eat i'm always like who is this person yeah where do they come from what's that like because of all the places to try to get a gig it's weird to go i guess i'll

try the most annoying place on earth that i actually hate going to in my own time that it's it's it's it's unequivocally the worst place for me to me i always feel i always create a storyline in my head like they're like escaping from something or they're hiding in plain sight especially for example you ever get like a drink at a at the las vegas airport i mean every. Vegas, where it's literally like you're all the way in Las Vegas, all these different places and entertainment things and all that. Yes, and why there? They're at the airport. Right, right.

Why? I would assume they just work there during the day and then they work at the casino at night. I guess so. Yeah. It just seems torturous. Or those people are in witness protection program from somewhere else and they're like this is the only gigs that we can really get yeah

yeah somewhere where we can move you around from airport to airport every couple of years no one will really be looking for you no one will know that makes sense i mean right it's kind of the most passing like they do a couple years here they move to another airport yeah i mean that's terrible to say although there is a woman that i see every time I go fly to Burbank Airport. She's been working at that fucking little restaurant since I've been going there. The same woman at the taco shop, like the build your own taco stand. And she's so fucking nice. And I always want to be like, you could have a better taco shop job.

This is not it for you. There's so many other taco spots in L.A. that you should be working at. You fold such a good burrito. But she's been there for so long that every time I go I'm like why is she still here maybe she fucking loves it maybe they love it because they don't have to really interact with people because everyone there is on the go you're not really

you don't have to like create a relationship like servers do sometimes like hey I'm Michael I'll be your server they don't give a fuck what do you want what burger okay bye I'll get your check they don't even pay attention to you they you want? What? Burger? Okay. Bye. I'll get your check. They don't even pay attention to you. They're not going to come to check on how's the food. Get the fuck out of here. Here's the food. 05.30

Scott Cardani You have to be on their way back to whatever they're doing. If you want your check. 05.30 Scott Cardani To help on the next person. And even then you do this and they go, what? What? And you're like, I have the thing. They're like, I guess, dude. I mean, fuck. I work here. What do you want from me?

I work at the TGI Fridays. I wish airport food was better. Like at the actual airport. Some of them are incredible. I was talking about that today. Go to Dallas, Fort Worth, Dallas. Seriously? They have like a Morton Steakhouse.

They have like nice ass shit there that I'm like, this is. They have a Chick-fil-A in Atlanta. Mm-hmm. I find it. I'll take the tram in atlanta i find it i'll take the tram even if i even if i lay over in that terminal i'll go to another terminal you'll go you'll go for it so tell me this when you travel when you're traveling with with the guys is it i need to know there's beef stories are you guys getting at each other's throat i mean uh at each other's throat no but you don't get annoyed i mean there's

definitely times there's definitely flares of you know i wouldn't say each other's throat but it's like who's the big okay who's the biggest diva uh the biggest diva i mean that's that's a tough one it's a tough one the interesting thing is that it's definitely not me i would say i would say red band and jeremiah are right up there neck and neck brian oddly seems like a diva even though even though people wouldn't know if they by first glance he doesn't look like he'd be high maintenance well he just comes from a strong background this guy started right his first gigs he was ever on rogan's just selling out theaters he's like ah you know this is this is this is what it is we're staying at the right

we're staying at the ritz-carlton this right this black escalade picks us up right from whatever airport and that's how it goes and uh you know life is good uh but he can be a little bit of a diva um yes and jeremiah just naturally you know he just has a natural which is funny he seems like out loud he'd be like no it's all good right right it's all good he's he's always hungry the guy's starving well the fucking you too you so for you guys both so skinny guys i've seen him eat he is endless fucking pit and doesn't he doesn't nothing goes anywhere an endless pit he's like a 13 year old boy it's unbelievable pizza hot dogs hamburger fucking tacos i was like what he gained we did a weight gain challenge oh yeah i remember the reversal of burton tom's weight loss challenge and i gained a few pounds he gained 30 pounds in a month how by eating how he actually wants to eat which is a huge is just shit all day

every day he ate Oreos and key blurs and everything ice cream snacks and treats and every did he get diabetes I'm surprised no you didn't get diabetes I'm surprised he didn't get diabetes no I know i i thought i was like how does he not when you gain like 30 pounds of fat i assume right away your body's like that's it you're getting diabetes that's what you fucking get what did you gain four pounds i gained i think it was five or six pounds maybe nothing i drank a bottle of water right before so that's got to be one right you were just trying to you were just trying to catch up yeah because he got he just got pudgy from it like soft yeah he got big he just got a little soft from right? You were just trying to catch up? Yeah. Because he just got pudgy from it.

Like soft. Yeah, he got big. He just got a little soft from it, which is so fucking weird to look at because he's such skin and bones, that fucking guy. He looks like if Tim Burton drew a human. Like if a cartoon character was a person, that's Jeremiah to me.

He's like this ambiguous, Gumby like person that can take shape. He can do anything. It's pretty remarkable. I know we should give him so much fucking credit. He high kick Jeremiah.

You should have seen him win this high kick competition he had on Kill Tony last night. Jeff Foxworthy. It was Jeff Foxworthy won the high kick. Yeah, he was Jeff Foxworthy and he had a high kick competition

with the guy that teaches karate. And guess who kicked higher than the karate master? Jeremiah Jeff. Well, Jeff Foxworthy. Yeah, Jeff Foxworthy, and he had a high kick competition with the guy that teaches karate. And guess who kicked higher than the karate master? Jeremiah, Jeff Foxworthy. Well, Jeff Foxworthy. Yeah. Jeff Foxworthy did. What's the worst City Kills Tony's played in? What's the most unfortunate experience you've had?

I don't know, man. It's all been really good to us. Really, really good. No duds. No. Am I forgetting something? There's always one. The sound in San Francisco, the beginning of last year's San Francisco show,

I'm sure they've redone it since then. I have nothing but the fullest faith. Cobbs. Oh, yeah, Cobbs is good. The sound was a little bit janky. It turns out that upon inspection, they had just a home stereo system being their sound. What? Just all of us have been there for years not noticing this.

Really? They basically had like four of those like living room sound bars. Sound bars? Yeah. Just doof, doof, doof, doof amongst the entire thing. I had to keep searching and doing sound checks. It was pretty insane. That is really strange.

Maybe they had a monitor on stage. It was just bad sound. But even then, we then we sort of you know you make the adjustments it's like we were talking about earlier with flying a broken plane it's like you have to know how to just figure it out you just have to just keep adjusting right figuring it the fuck out exactly exactly are you are you feeling lately like you're in a because i've known you for quite a while and it's like do you feel like lately you're in probably your prime spot not no not at your peak or your pinnacle i'm saying do you feel like you're in your prime spot right now and stand up what's happening between the podcast doing so well your own stand-up kind of come converging and doing very well and like gaining a lot of fans and touring more and do you feel like this is kind of the thing that's happening

right now yeah man i mean i i love it i love it. I'm ready to make another special and figure out exactly where the best platform to get that out on is. What is that, you think? I don't know, dude. It might be freaking YouTube. Who knows, right? I think so. I mean, who knows? That's the most fucked up thing now.

I don't think any of us know what the best way to receive content is for fans. Yeah. I don't think any of us know what the best way to receive content is for fans. I mean, the thing is you wish there was another YouTube type of thing, right? That there was one more version of YouTube that was a little bit more premium because YouTube tried that. It didn't work because you can't give away pussy for so long and then be like, you got to pay for it. You're like, I've been fucking you for years, bitch. I'm not paying for that.

So I wish there was another version of it that like fans were able to dictate because i think you know with you know i i think with like the revolution of so many comics wanting to put out more material and netflix kind of being you know netflix it's like there's so much now with them i wonder what the next wave is going to be i wish i was one of you remember when um this is pro wrestling, so people are going to hate it, but there was a period of time in which Ted Turner decided

that he was going to destroy Vince McMahon because Vince McMahon basically didn't want to do his channel or make a deal with him. He's like, we're good. And Ted Turner's like, you don't know what you're dealing with. And Vince is like,

basically, fuck you. I run the whole business. And Ted Turner's like, we're good. And Ted Turner's like, you don't know what you're dealing with. And Vince is like, basically, fuck you. I run the whole business. And Ted Turner's like, okay. And he went and he decided to give this guy a blank check to go get all the greatest wrestlers. You can get whoever you want. And this guy, Eric Bischoff, literally went and it was a pro wrestling fan's dream. Literally, like you are going to compete with Vince McMahon, Ted Turner. I get to write checks to whoever I want for however much I want.

He's like, yep, let's end this guy. And they went and they did. They bought Hulk Hogan and they said no minimum amount of you can do a minimum amount of work. We only need you for the televised things. You don't need to travel here there it's just all this money to do so much less on a different thing and they cut these they started next thing you know this guy's gone and that guy and everyone says this guy everybody that vince mcmahon built sort of and it reminds me of uh sort of um i think

sort of what's happening with Netflix right now. I think that... They're buying all the... Right. All the people that have already been built. Sure. But what built them right in the WWF was them being slowly eased upon and from scratch.

Yeah. Organically grown. Right. So basically Vince was left with you know shrapnel he was left with some guy that nobody knew rocky maivia and he was left with mick foley who was mankind and he was left i like mick foley stone cold steve austin who was who nobody even really you know knew at the time. And that was it. And he had to come all the way back. Anyway, my point is you can buy all the big dogs that don't want to retire all day.

And you'll get a lot of viewers. You'll get eyes on you. Tons. But at the end of the day, there's always going to be hungry monsters somewhere else. It's not there anymore. There's just not room for the future. That I think, by the way, helped Netflix's reputation for stand-up comedy a lot in the first place.

Let's not forget, three years ago, four years ago, there was barely anybody there at all. There's no Chappelle. I've said that. There's no, right. I've said that. Like, you know, Ali Wong. I feel like they forget that they built Ali. You know, like, we've, Ali Wong, I fucking, they forget. I think, I feel like they forget that they built Ali. Yeah. You know, like we've known Ali for, for years.

Right. And like Ali fucking, Ali wasn't hitting like she started to hit with until she got to them. I mean, I mean, she knows that everybody, I mean, everyone that's in the comedy world knows that. So it's like, it's like almost like they forgot they did that. You're like, what the fuck? Did you forget? Right.

You built things, you used to build things. Yeah. But now they're pulling people out of fucking retirement and you're like. There's no way to even, there's no used to build things. Yeah. But now they're pulling people out of fucking retirement and you're like. There's no way to even. There's no way to do anything. Now the guys that are over there are the guys that used to give those people chances when they started. It's like now Letterman's there. Steve Martin.

Martin Short. I'm like, what's going. What are we. This massive namesake. It's just the everyone. everyone yeah and they don't want them to retire if you have them you know well i think i think i think it's their a lot of it's nostalgia nostalgia play you know i think ellen's a big nostalgia play because people respected her so much in the stand-up world she did it for so long ray romano is this respected name in comedy

and it's like i think it's nostalgia play i think it's i think it's a you know it's a great business move because fucking people watch the shit out of them and they're still pumping out money. But that's what I'm saying. Yeah, I wonder what it is for our generation of guys. Because you've got a Netflix special. There's guys that have been on there, but who knows if they're going to be around for our generation of guys again. our generation of guys again. It would definitely be an interesting move if Amazon sort of did what Ted Turner,

well, not what Ted Turner did, but if they did what Vince McMahon had to do when all of his guys that he created got bought. You know what I mean? Where it's like, you have to rebuild. Who's gonna be your new? Who's gonna be the new things? Because now what I've noticed is,

and I'm not going off on a Netflix rant here here but i'm sure it's something that is interesting to stand up fans because the markets evolved to where now we're seeing people getting their multiple you know these famous people that were famous before you and i even moved to la they're getting multiple specials now yeah year after year year after year yeah so that's it i mean that's it i mean that means they've sort of picked their teams in a way i feel like well well my thing is i'm curious and people can i hope people answer in the comments on youtube because i i want to know how much time do people really spend watching specials like do you watch them all the way through because we don't know netflix will never tell you but i'm so curious to know how much time people really spend

on the hour and because i know most people that i've talked to friends from chicago from back home they'll tell me they're like we don't really sit through the whole thing we'll watch some of it we'll do something else we'll turn it off we'll start again the next night you know which is crazy because when we were young dude you couldn't fucking pull me away from finishing a special right no fucking way was i going to interrupt this but i would have canceled whatever i needed to do right to finish the goddamn special it was so like important but now it's it's like anything else it's like i'll get back to it when i get back to it but i'm curious to know like how many people really

finish it in one sitting and how many people go back to it and how many times they go back to it because all that stuff kind of dictates the future of consumption of content. Because us doing an hour, an hour is kind of this innocuous time that was made up. It doesn't make sense. Right. Why did we, who made the,

why is it an hour? Right. Why wasn't a special a half hour? Why wasn't it an hour and a half or 45? Like, you know, the argument could be specials that were an hour because it's a television slot. You know what I mean?

Sure. Right. That was the premium television spot that wasn't no commercials, right? So you're taking two spots with no commercials and that's what you do. That's because half an hour seemed like it wasn't enough and an hour seems like it's just right. But it's interesting because I feel like some of the strongest specials I ever remember were half hours some of them some of my like favorites to watch over and over again were half hours i thought some of the half hours were so goddamn funny and those were only 22 minutes yeah but i think that's a reflection of what's happening now i think a lot of people are like i want something else i want something else i want something else right which is and not to not to parlay or or or, or, you know, kiss the ring a little bit,

but like, that's why I think your show works because you're churning, you guys are churning through content on that show. And so you're showing, it's like, here's the thing. Here's the thing. Here's the thing.

Here's the thing. Here's the, here's the guy. Here's the guy. Here's me and Brian talking. Here's the guy. Here's the guy. Here's the guy.

Here's jokes from the band. It's really just kind of adhering to the consumption of what's happening right now in, in the social media world of like, it's a lot of things happening. Yeah. And it's a lot of content. You guys are pumping out a lot of fucking content. Right. Right.

Yeah. And you're doing it concisely in one show, which is kind of what they're consuming online. Yeah. Instagram. And then they watch a video on YouTube and then they watch it. It's like you're doing that in a show. So I'm just curious. I wonder and I know we don't know, but I wonder what the fuck the next the next way for people to eat this eat this eat comedy is.

I wonder what it is because it's got it has to change. Netflix can't be the only beast. Somebody has to come. Something has to come along and be the one that's like, here's a new way to consume all this shit. Really surprised me that Amazon isn't in the game yet. Yeah, but I think it would be. Yeah, we say that, but. But I mean, that's my thing is they make so much money doing that, that like TV for them is like fun.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Like that's so to me, like there's no investment that they're like the opposite of Netflix, where Netflix kind of needs more content. They're kind of like, I guess we could do it. I think it's got to be somebody like Hulu or, you know. It's got to be somebody else that really prides himself on trying to make content and not selling Tide. It's not like, you like this show?

You should buy dryer sheets. It's like, no shit on Amazon. It's just, you know when you go to a restaurant they do too many things you're like what do you guys make you ever you ever watch it yeah you ever you you ever go on amazon no they have like a whole nother it's a whole nother thing over there i know but i've never but it's like but i buy shit on amazon i've seen some of it i've seen some of the shows it's good they have a new no they have a lot of good shows The dick cut off thing The dick cut off thing dude

You think you can't absorb a quick four hours About getting his dick cut off Oh I loved it I loved it Do they show pictures of his dick They do Yeah they show a little picture Looks like a little thumb

It was tiny huh Well I mean I don't know They didn't have anything look gigantic to me uh no it's really sad that they it was stitching back on his cock is strange to me and he became a porn star right yeah for a while yeah and then he wanted a bigger dick so he got a prosthetic put in that backfired did you hear about that billionaire that died from getting a dick transplant no what a What? A billionaire? This was on the news a couple of weeks ago. Some billionaire wanted to get a bigger dick and he had a dick transplant or was getting a

penis enlargement surgery and he fucking died. Ugh. From the dick surgery? Yeah, dude. What an idiot. You're not allowed to have all that stuff. You can't be rich and be kind of handsome and have a big penis. It's like the triangle. You pick two of the three. Right. You can't have all three the only way would that surgery would have

worked is if he would have donated all his money away right before to charitable costs right if he's like this is for kids for cancer i also want a huge cock yeah then it would have worked yeah but the guy fucking died uh what's the one thing that you would get surgery done on you to fix yourself money didn't matter if you're like you know the one thing I wish I could change, I would do that. I don't know, man. Say nothing and show how strong you are. No, I guess I'd probably do some, I guess I'd probably go with some like HGH, thicken

up a bit. Beef. Sort of have like, yeah. Yeah. Sort of have like this, you know, aerodynamic frame. I like that. I'd like to be more of like, you have more of like a man body like i would probably beef up a bit get the beef going yeah but you could do that i could it's a lot of effort

squat and stuff i don't know it's a lot of fucking effort joe tells me that i'd have to squat a lot to be sometimes i i can hear joe sometimes i'll try to like make him laugh you know what i mean and i'll be like joe what do you think i'd have to do to uh you know like have a body like he's like uh you could never achieve this i think joe said to us the other day rogan said to tony and i that he's like he's 56 percent more ape than most humans yeah he's more neanderthal yeah yeah and when you look at him and you hang out with him and when you're close to joe you totally agree because you're like you are a specimen like it looked that dude's like a machine body yeah he's a machine body it's a very weird it's like it was specially built by our neanderthal forefathers when he says he's like i'm an ape i'm an ape you're like yeah dude 100 i believe him i totally believe every second of it his hand is like uh it comes out it's like a fucking baseball

mitts it looks like a fucking curled up look at when you close a fucking baseball mitt so you would change you would change beef size i guess so i never really if you're happy with everything that's a good place to be pretty happy guy because you we live in a town where everybody wants to do everything all the time yeah right and half the women you know, which I guess we're lucky, but so many women, you see, they have so much, so much done to them that you're like, who are you anymore? Your fucking face looks like it's not, it's someone else. You know how, I've said this before, and this is terrible and mean, but you know how like, you know how like every kid know like every kid with down syndrome

has a down syndrome face yeah for sure it's like every woman who gets plastic surgery they have the same yeah face it's like the exact you're like oh you look the exact i've seen you before yeah like i know you i don't know you but i know that face isn't it sad when it's someone that you know and you have to like look at them and pretend like you don't know right right yeah you can't even be like oh is something different about you like you would with like. Right. Right? And you can't even be like, ooh, is something different about you? Like you would with like a normal pretty person. Right. Like if they did something different,

you'd be like, did you do something different? But you can't do that with people that have had plastic surgery because it's just like- When it's so obvious. You feel like you're going to make them cry or something. Right, right.

What's wrong with your nose? You just come out with it. I think people can do whatever you want to do to yourself. I don't care. I couldn't care less. But it's weird when someone goes overboard. Like they have those TV shows where they're constantly doing weird shit. I watch all those.

Botched. Me too. Botched. I love that fucking show. The weirdest thing people do is put fake asses in. And then they either leak or the skin gets all fucked up. The muscle tissue gets fucked up underneath. Why are people obsessed with butts?

Have you ever understood that? I like a nice ass. You know I actually know the answer to this. Give it. You ready for this? Yes. You don't know the answer? I have no fucking idea.

I researched it. Give it to me. So we as men are attracted to women, especially with bigger butts, because it's an optical illusion from our brain telling us that they have better childbearing hips and that they are more built to be a mother and that they could better have more children, safer, a wider gap for them to literally that's how our brain

correlates it fun fact same thing with big tits yeah we see big tits and we're like they can provide a lot of food for our babies like we like to think like it's like hot like with our dick but there's actually a scientific reason for all of this. There's something behind it. It's like you a tits guy or an ass guy. It's like both. Yeah. Yeah. That's interesting. Even even then it's like, oh, that's a person, you know, because the legs make the butt and the whole.

So we end up wanting is this fucking super baby maker. Right. That's all. Without knowing it. Yeah, exactly. Why do black guys love big butts so much? They fucking love. I think black guys love big butts more than any white guy i've ever known because a lot of white white chicks have flat

butts and white guys still like that too some white guys like flat butts and i think that's so weird but every black friend i have who likes flat butts fucking there's guys that like chicks out flat that there's guys that date women who have flat butts you're damn right but they're stuck with that you know that's a california thing yeah flat butt out here is weird man flat butt is a you meet a girl from california her chances of having flat butt way way up well we're from the midwest where nobody in the midwest nobody has flat butts everyone has thick asses everyone has thick legs thick asses if we're we're from a girl had a butt as flat as any california girl their name where we're from, would be flat butt. They'd be like,

you know Stacy flat butt? Why do you call her that? Stacy flat butt, man. Got no butt. It's not because of her smile. Stacy flat butt. You know her, bro. When I first moved out here,

my brother and I would call it that. I think we called it California ass. We would say, look at the California ass on this girl. It's nothing. You see their little shorts bundled up where their ass is supposed to be. I think we called it California ass. We would say, look at the California ass on this girl. So many girls have flat butts. It's nothing. You see their little shorts like bundled up where their ass is supposed to be. Those flaps of extra fabric just moving up and down. It's because they're too skinny.

A lot of people out here are so fucking skinny. You're not allowed to be out of shape out here. It's like people get mad at people for being. It's like people get, there's such a stigma to being out of shape out here that you're like, people feel like you're not allowed to. In the Midwest, being out of shape is being normal. It's a normal thing to just be a normal, kind of not in great shape person. Right.

It's a nice relief to go home and nobody gives a fuck about the way you look. No one's like, in fact, they talk more shit when I go home that they're like, oh, what are you fucking trying to lose weight out there? Right. You're like, well, I'm trying to be healthy. Oh, your skin's glowing. What are you drinking? Smoothies out there? Fucking douchebag. Gay boy. Is there jizz in those

smoothies? You have jizz smoothies at the beach? Drink up the semen. But that is true. The flat butt disease is a big thing that happens out here. That is a very California thing. Flat butt disease. But why do? You can answer one part why do black dudes like like big butts so much um they like big butts because they cannot lie no uh why really i mean i don't know i know that

they don't want to make babies particularly you know and yet they do yes they're really good at it i was thinking about that the other day for a second it's like how do like isn't it funny that every accidental baby ever made is for a reason like they could have pulled out sooner yeah literally second sooner and a human also also in trying to make a child you learn quickly it's not that easy. Right. You're hitting a very small window. So the chances of hitting the window and coming inside of them and it all working at the same time, it's rare.

When you're very young, you're way more fertile. Yeah. But when people do it in their mid-20s, they're like, oh, we didn't mean to. It's like, man, that's a hard hit. I came up with a semi-theory in my head that I haven't shared with anyone. Give it. I'll bet quite a lot of babies are made from the dude finishing inside and just keeping going. Like not wanting.

Yeah, right. Just sort of like playing it cool because like maybe he wants more, you know, just keeping it going, but not really indicating like, oh, I'm going to come. Like just like finishing and just like keep going. Like, oh, still just fucking. He's embarrassed to tell. Right. Did you come? No.

No, no. No, totally didn't. Just extra lube down there. Yeah. I mean, it's great, but my God. This new time release, super lube. So you think it's that's i mean it's great but my god time this new time release super lube so you think it's someone that's keep someone's keep pumping well i think that that might be how like who knows maybe great athletes are made that way maybe geniuses like maybe

there's something of the friction keeping it going who knows i think athletes are probably made from genes yeah i think great genes are always how you see good athletes genius is weird why are people some people really smart that could be something in the fucking because some people come from dumb parents but they're fucking super smart right it's not guaranteed that because you're smart your child's gonna be smart they'll be privileged with intellectual uh ability to to get smart or to learn but i think that's fine i wonder are your parents smart people um smart straight smart it's very honest yeah that's an honest um yeah very street smart i mean my mom's the coolest she's hilarious they're both much older so i don't really know how old are your

parents uh my mom's 72 yeah which means Which means my dad is probably 72 as well. He's either 72 or 71 right now. Isn't that wild that they're getting older? Yeah. You feel that sometimes when you go home? Yeah. I feel it when I go home sometimes. I see him and I'm like, oh shit, they're getting older.

Oh, they're getting older and older. The funny thing is sometimes you'll go visit them and they look better than they did a few months before. Yeah, something happened. Maybe something's different. You know what I different you know fucking you never know yeah i feel like that's the one thing you learn as people get older you're like the parent parents don't have sex anymore when they get older and then you're like oh yeah yeah they're fucking they're freaks you learn about those old folks homes where they all have stds they're like no they're they're fucking their way out of this

place i would do the same thing my hundred-old grandma just passed away last week. A hundred? Yeah, she died from an STD. No, I'm kidding. She didn't. I don't know why I said that. Nana had syphilis. She was fucking around. She was 100 years old in six months. Did she ever smoke or drink or anything?

I don't think so. No. Just a lot of coffee and pork chops. This lady used to fry pork chops like you wouldn't believe in a frying pan. Was she a small woman? Yep. Yeah. Very frail.

My grandma's tiny. She'll probably live forever. She's like a tiny little woman. Tiny little women tend to live a long, long time. Yeah. Look at the fucking, like an old age. There's always like some, there's always a bunch of women in China or all over Asia that are like 104.

Just these like tiny little cute little women. And you're like, what is it? They're like, nothing. I don't know. They don't know. They couldn't tell you. Right. You know?

They don't want to tell you. It's their secret. They got a fucking secret, dude. They put fruit in their water and pho and like, you know, broth. A lot of broth. Yeah, a lot of broth. Yeah. A lot of hot stuff, hot teas.

You eat meat, though, don't you? Lots of it. Yeah, me too. Almost exclusively. Sometimes I get freaked out that I eat too much meat. They found all that meat inside of Elvis' colon, and I'm like, is that going to happen to me? Am I going to die?

And they're going to be like, four pounds of red meat in this guy's asshole. I get worried about that shit. Four pounds of... I don't know how many... There was a lot. There was something. Was that part of Elvis' thing? Yeah, he had his back up like crazy. No wonder he died on the toilet' thing? Yeah, he had a tie, he was backed up like crazy.

No wonder he died on the toilet, huh? Yeah, that's exactly, he couldn't shit. Couldn't shit. Smooth, Tony.

I like that, baby. Come on, the king of rock. You know the opiates, right? The opiates, he probably never shit.

Oh. He got never shit, which is like me. I have weird shit schedules, especially when I travel. I was in Iceland for two days, and I realized I hadn't pooped. It like blew my mind.

That happens. No, it scared me. I was like, two days I haven't poop't pooped yeah who was i just talking to oh my buddy my buddy from new york we're making fun of him he was on a new medicine because he hadn't he went to him went like four days without pooping oh my god i was like what is it four days where does it go good lord four days is incredible by two days I'm getting worried. Yeah. Three days, I'm going to the ER. Right.

Four days, you're like, let's see how far this can go. Five days, you're Elvis. Five days, you're Elvis. Yeah. Yeah, then you steal black music and you get to sell out arenas around the world. Wouldn't that be nice? Who's your favorite musician of all time? Oh, boy, that's a hard one, but I'll give Roger Waters the edge on that.

That's the front man creator of Pink Floyd. That's pretty incredible. Have you seen him here? Yep. I got to meet him. Staples. You did? Yeah.

Wow. I met him after the show. You fuck. I saw him do The Wall. It was incredible. Yep. It's like one of the best performances I've ever seen in my life. You saw him at Staples or the Coliseum? Staples.

Nice. Staples. I've ever seen in my life. You saw him at Staples or the Coliseum? Staples. Nice. Staples. I saw him do some of his new stuff in Dark Side of the Moon at Staples last year.

Wow. Unbelievable. Yeah, it's incredible. I went to the Staples show on accident because a friend of a friend had just broken up with a girlfriend, had an extra ticket. It felt bad, but man, was it a fun fucking show. It was like one of those things where he's like, I guess I gotta still go to the show. And I was like, I'm so sorry, but also I wanna go party. You know that they're very much given credit

for being the band that started making things visually entertaining at all. You know, even the Beatles would like come out and they would just perform in front of whatever curtain was behind them or whatever backdrop. And literally Pink Floyd's like, well, what if we have like colors and stuff? And what if the colors change for like each song or each beat? Like maybe black and white back and forth.

And maybe we could inflate this thing. Maybe lasers. Like they were so far. They do like a live play when you go see them. You're like, oh, there's like a fucking full on play going on in the on in the background well it's cool especially since i've been a fan of them when i started smoking pot a lot in high school same uh i did a lot of research on them and became a fan then and like you would see you know clips of old shows or whatever and how it is and you'd hear about the round thing that does things and that they were into inflatables and lasers.

Well, what's cool is they've just evolved with it. So now they're still 15, 20 years ahead of the curve, but now they're still. They're the precedent of what it is now. So it's all the technology to where you're like, is that even existing, or is that a 3D image? Is that there? You don't even know

what's what sometimes anymore. I wonder how much they fucking spend on those live shows. So much. Because you get your money's worth, man. You pay for a lot for those tickets. You see it.

Instead of like, I'm sure people go, they pay for shows, they just get the artist to come out and they're like, hey, what's up? It's me. Those guys put on

such a fucking performance that you're like, yeah. And the songs are amazing and it's incredible. Well, the music is incredible and those guys take good care of themselves when i did the new york comedy festival i did new york comedy festival god i don't even know what year it was but um roger waters was at this bar that

we were at late at night brooks wheelan was getting kicked out because he was stealing bottles of liquor good old brooks and i'm so fucked up and this guy is telling the story over my shoulder and i'm like kind of eavesdropping but i'm wasted so like i can't really make sense of it but i remember turning to the group and realizing it's roger waters telling this story and i was for a second was about to go oh my god roger out and do the fan thing and then i realized dude yeah don't ruin whatever don't be that fucking guy because you've seen that guy yeah and you're like dude you just fucked up the greatest story we were ever kill like like kill please kill that guy yeah but i remember turning seeing him and being like and

then he looked up at me for a second as if like, are you going to say something? I was like, I just shut my fucking mouth and just stood there and listened to him. Because I was like, so easily was about to cross a threshold to be like, dude, I'm a huge fucking fan. I'm a comedian. Because he was hanging out with a bunch of comics at the New York Comedy Festival. Because I think they were doing like a pop-up show, like a secret pop-up show or something. It was fucking incredible. were doing like a pop-up show like a secret pop-up show or something it was fucking incredible but i had after i had seen him live i i i had said then too and i still stand by it's probably the best live show i've ever seen in my life yeah of all the live performances i've ever seen i think they

put on probably the most incredible show it's like floating pigs and shit mine and my i i completely agree blows your mind right best show totally worth it Everybody should have to see it at least once. But I'm not one of those guys. I will say there's probably people that are like, you've never seen a dead show. I haven't been to a lot of those in that ilk of shows, of like dead type of shows. So I know people love that shit, but that's not for me.

So I didn't blow it in front of Roger Waters either. Good. In the beginning. But it's always been a running joke between me and tall that uh he walked away from us because of something that I said uh so it was just me her and him and she's one of the best bass players in the world yeah so he wanted to meet her I went to the music event with her it It was like, you know, two years ago or whatever. And so he calls us over from another green room. He has his own green room with like chocolate fountains and a security team.

And like nobody else is there. Lots of chocolate fountains, by the way. It's crazy. Like 13 of them. Yeah. And, you know, and she introduces us right from the get. You know, this is my friend. He's a comedian, Tony Hinchcliffe.

Nice to meet you, Roger. I've been a huge fan my whole life. Thanks for everything you've done, whatever I said, right? I don't even remember that part. That part went smoothly. Kind of blackout, yeah. And then they're talking about working with Jeff Beck and working with this. I just did Royal Albert Hall. I just did this, blah, blah, blah.

What's your next thing and she's saying her next things at these theaters and arenas or whatever and she goes what else do you what do you have coming up and he goes well you know this uh thursday we fly i have a couple days off here and this thursday we fly to orlando and friday miami and saturday tallahassee and and i go because i had just been in florida the weekend before it's literally like now i remember it's like june or something like that and i literally because i it was one of those beats where like there was a beat for me to talk. Right. You saw an opening. And it had been them back and forth for a while. It was sort of like time for me to talk, really.

Right, right, right. And he goes, Saturday, Tallahassee. And I go, oh, I was just in Florida this weekend. Really hot right now. Really hot. Just to let you know. He's been touring he's been touring. I can feel him turn like, what?

For 40 years straight. Maybe what? Hot? 40? No, yeah. Almost 50. 50 years almost. 50 years.

Over 50 years. He's been touring. He's like, you're talking about the weather to me? Which means he's been doing Florida for that long. You don't just skip Florida. No, you go knock out a few arenas if you're him right no point in not doing the arenas nope but tony coming in with the weather tip it's really hot i was just there this weekend really hot oh and he literally goes this is the

best so this is what tall and i's running joke with each other is he immediately after i said that he sort of looks at me and goes and looks at her and goes well it's about that time i should be resting my voice you you basically made roger waters fuck off because weather is the key element my favorite artist i think i need to rest my voice because that guy's annoying as fuck so now anytime uh tall and i are uh like sort of like at the awkward end of a conversation or i have to go somewhere we're done with each other for the night i go i think i have to get rest of my voice it's the best dude what a fucking what a story a beautiful place for us to end this beautiful show i'm so happy that you came um people can find you at tonyhingecliff.com yeah

um kill tony oh people should go watch if you have never been to a live show you have to go I'm so happy that you came. People can find you at TonyHinchcliffe.com. Yeah. Kill Tony. Oh, people should go watch. If you have never been to a live show, you have to go see Kill Tony at the Comedy Store on Monday nights. It's back up almost every Monday now, right? Every single Monday for the rest of the year in Los Angeles. And we're taking it everywhere. New York City, Philly. That's on your website or does Kill Tony have a separate?

It's on my website. It's on Kill Tony or DeathSquad a separate it's on my website it's on Kill Tony or Death Squad dot TV and yeah watch it on YouTube subscribe

and yeah come see me do live stand up I have an hour that I haven't done before when's the next date that you're doing I'm doing Philly this

this weekend and then well this will come out next week so next week I guess it's St. Louis St. Louis then. Well, this will come out next week. So next week. I guess it's St. Louis. St. Louis. St. Louis.

Where else are you going to be? West Nyack. New York City. Yeah. Grammar City Theater. So go to TonyHinchcliffe.com and peep all that shit. You have to see this motherfucker live. He's incredible.

And the Kill Tony show is also beyond worth it. I can't recommend that fucking thing enough. You know. Chito Santino, andrewsantino.com. I am in Phoenix right now. If you live in fucking Phoenix, I'm there right now. So come the fuck out and see me tonight, tomorrow, Sunday. Come through. I love you. Thank you, bro. I love you. Thanks for having me. No doubt. Thanks for coming.