Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - We're Hannah Berner's favorite boy pod! 😂 | Whiskey Ginger

Episode Date: July 24, 2026

Welcome to Whiskey Ginger a Wave series presented by Fanduel. Andrew Santino sits down with comedian, bestselling author, and podcast host Hannah Berner for a hilarious conversation about stand-up, marriage, social media, anxiety, the internet, and why overthinking can actually make for great comedy. Hannah and Santino bounce between relationships, life on the road, podcasting, and the absurd realities of making a living by saying the quiet part out loud. They also talk about Hannah's latest stand-up special, *None of My Business*, now streaming on Hulu. Be sure to check out the special, and if you haven't already, listen to her hit podcast *Giggly Squad*, which she co-hosts with Paige DeSorbo. Watch Hannah's stand-up special *None of My Business* on Hulu: https://www.hulu.com Listen to *Giggly Squad*: https://gigglysquad.com Follow Hannah Berner: https://www.instagram.com/hannahberner Follow Andrew Santino: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino Follow Whiskey Ginger: https://instagram.com/whiskeygingerpodcast #WhiskeyGinger #AndrewSantino #HannahBerner #ComedyPodcast ======================================================= This episode is sponsored by: FANDUEL Play Daily Dingers and make your FREE pick on who’s hitting a homer. http://fanduel.com/whiskey SHADYRAYS PROMO CODE: GINGER GET 50% OFF 2+ PAIRS OF POLARIZED SHADES https://shadyrays.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome aboard via rail. Please sit and enjoy. Please sit and stretch. Steep. Flip. Or that. And enjoy. Via rail, love the way.

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reminding us to make every martini cocktail count. So go on and make every moment count because there's no better time than now. Grey Goose. Make time wait. Sip responsibly. Welcome back to Whiskey Ginger, a wave series presented by Fandul.

Hey, Whist Ginge fans, August. 7th is my last show of the year, as far as I'm concerned. I'm going to be in St. Louis. It's Charles, but it's St. Louis. It's right next door. August 7th, come see me. Probably the last show I'm going to be doing of this year. I've got a lot of other stuff. We're planning. Great stuff for you guys to see coming up, but I probably won't be touring until next year, 27. So August 7th, come see me, St. Louis, St. Charles area. Go to Andrew Santino.com for those tickets. Andrew Santino.com. In here, we pour whiskey, whisk, whisk, whiskey. Whiskey, whiskey.

You were that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Ginger's a fugitive. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Ginger's, oh, hell now. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger.

I like gingers. Let it jump. Welcome back to Whiskey. My guest is one of my favorite people. I know that's my favorite people. Today, it's Hannah Berner. Nah, nah, nah. And she was nervous.

I didn't want to have my dogs out on this podcast, but her feet are out. Look, sometimes you got a sacrifice to get a viewer too, and I'm not above anything. Feet finder's going to go nuts for this. Actually, I'm competing with my friend on it, because I have like a 4.8. Like, it's, I didn't know I had good feet. Let me see your toes. I mean, I have a good arch. Oh, you have a good arch.

You keep, well, the toes are even, which is really odd, because most people have really uneven toes. I have weird toes. Yeah. Yeah. So I saw it and I started thinking differently about myself. I started having people treat me differently. I was like I'm 4.8 on Wiki feet. Yeah. My best friend page, 4.59. Yeah. I could tell. So then... She looks like a 4-9. Yeah, and she doesn't even try. Like, I'm trying. Like, I'm on this pot. Like, check out my feet, Wiki feet.

So anyway, I'm in a little competition. She's not in it, though. It's just me competing with her. Hey, guys, comment down below the number that you think her feet are. I'd say 4-6, 4-7, to be honest. out of four what are you a fucking foot somalié yeah ooh i i sense notes of fungus on this so what about guys that get

what's your what's your opinion on men who get pedicures oh i thought you were saying men who have foot fetish fetish i'll get to that um my own pedicures have fun with it men you like that try a pedicure not if they're like i can't go to this event if i don't get a pedicure but like

do guys say that no I've never heard a man say that in my entire life you'd be surprised I can't go to this event I know guys who are like I need to get my haircut

yeah haircut's different you want to get a haircut before you go to the thing do you have like a haircut guy like you only trust him do I have a haircut guy sorry I'm Italian are you my grandmother

you're half Italian do you have a haircut guy you got a guy on Thursdays we all have a barber oh I don't do once a week once a month men do once a month

once a month once a month Once a month, then that's all we need. Did gingers have a different unique hair texture? Here we go. Yes, I only go to black barbershops. They are the only ones I can handle my hair. That was such a good question that you tried to like shut me down for.

No, no, you're right. Is it true? Yeah. Because I'm a tennis player that ginger's, sorry, I feel like you one thing I'm saying a slur, but it's just... You are. Jingers are, don't handle the heat as well as other humans. because Yonik Sinner, did you see he had a heat problem, and Boris Becker also was a redhead and had heat problems.

And I just wanted to raise awareness. Do you struggle at like Whole 11 when it's... They just burned like bumpires. Fancy's on. I love how you have him speak for you. Is he your fucking ginger PR? He is for now. My little Spanish ginger PR.

We do, yeah, you know, we do. Yeah, we don't have melanin so that it's the sun is tough. Oh, so you're the whitest white person. The sun's tough. But when I'm playing golf, I'm wearing sunscreen and a hat. And I think... Do you reapply? Yes.

That's gay. Every six holes. No, what's gay is what I do at the turn. That's gay, dude. I go, get in here, have a beer with me. Why are we having a beer in a bathroom? Don't worry about it. Yeah, get a little snack.

You know what? You know what? Tuna at the turn, a little cup of tuna. That's my snack now. Well, we got to be skinny boys now. I'm a tuna fish friend. I'll bring a tuna fish sandwich into a van full of people. You're gross. Chicken in a sea. I'll hotbox these motherfuckers. Yuck. You would. You bring it on a plane. Yuck. You bring it on a plane, don't you? You would bring it on a fucking plane. I'm not a selfish person, but when it comes to food, like, if I'm craving something, I'm like, I'm going to eat it. But I eat fast. People will be annoyed for, like, maximum two minutes.

I'd be so livid. I'd go the bitch in 4E is eating. fucking tuna sandwich. And I would be texting everyone I know like, you're not going to believe it. I haven't done that in a while, though. I had a one, I did it in a special, or no, I did it in a Montreal showcase that they filmed, the JFL, what do they call those, gala? Yeah, whatever they're, like a gala. I had a joke because on the way to Montreal, a woman, I got stopped at TSA.

For your lack of melanin? Yeah. She was like, brother, we got a, we got to self-tan you. So they slathered me in self-tanning. And they stopped me like three times because something on my bag was like setting it off inside the lining. So they kept like running it through. And then a woman behind me, hand to God, had a Ziploc bag filled with hard boiled eggs. And they let that bitch on the plane.

And I was like, throw her in prison. In prison, hard boiled eggs. A sack of eggs. Like a witch. Like she came from another time. I couldn't believe it. And they let her right on the plane, hard boiled eggs. legs red on the plane and I know she ate them on the plane and thank God I sat nowhere near her

that's sickening but you're the tuna fish on a plane that's you but tuna I haven't done it in a while okay I've changed so that means you've done it yeah I've done it yes I've done it but people change and grow I once got in a fight because are you familiar with what queso is are you out of your mind do I know what fucking cheese is melted cheese like I just woke It's Spanish cheese. It's not just cheese. It's cheese. Are you Spanish?

He is. Okay, so he knows. Kiso and cheese are different. It's Mexican. It's Mexican. It's not Spanish, so you're wrong, and you're insulting my Spaniard. I'm really sorry about that. How do you say sorry in Spanish?

How do you say it to him? No to me, pal. No, my gusto, senor. I did do lingo last week. Not sponsor. I got to tell you, it's not working. Lo shento, sir. They don't like it when we pretend. You know that, right?

Well, when white people speak Spanish, it's not impressive to them. They're like, shut the fuck up. Casadilla? They don't want us to do that. Just say Casadilla. Just say Casadilla. I was going to say, Casadilla. But I fucking love me some Mexican food. It's the bad. Mexican food is the bad. It's the one thing that we have here that East Coast can never touch. And I agree with you. And I'm an annoying New Yorker, hands down. Oh, I had enchiladas two nights ago. I don't even care where it's from. I know it would be good. I trust it. What are we doing? In a perfect world, I would have the combo. I would have the cheese, the chicken, and the ground beef.

Oh, bad girl. I know. See, this is like when I get to sushi spots, we went last night. You know, and they're like these rolls where they're like, it's yellow tail, salmon, tuna, halib. You're like, why isn't so much fish in one roll? What does that even taste like at that point? Nothing. It's like an icy.

It just tastes cold at that point. It's good. That's right. It's fish. It's just fish. It's all fish. Just call it fish. I want to taste different fish.

I don't like when they do that. It doesn't fit in your mouth. Pause. My God. Stop. Will you cut it out? Very tiny mouth. You do have a tiny mouth.

Hey, did I see you on a cover of Sports Illustrated? Yes. I wasn't on the cover, though. I actually didn't get picked for the cover. Wait, really? Who was on the cover? Actually, Tiffany Haddish was on the cover. Bitch.

Tiff was on the cover? It was on the cover. They had actually... Was it like only women in comedy? No. So I actually got... Just you two with a woman in. And I was like, I'm representing women in comedy.

I always say I'm the hottest woman in comedy besides Matt Rife. And she... She's gorgeous. You couldn't touch her. Storn and. Go off, Queen. Oh. So...

What do you do for work? There's four people with covers. Like, they gave everyone a cover but me actually. Wait, Tiff? Tiff. Alex Earl. but you two are the only comedians well I thought I was the only comedian I was walking around like

see funny girls can be hot whatever and then Tiffany Haddish got announced and I was like oh she's okay she's gonna get the cover she's the one yeah she's the one how deep in the magazine are you she gets the cover your 50s 2 but you know I never dreamed of being on Sports Illustrated that wasn't like a thing so when they came my way I was like that could be like people wouldn't expect it for me

but you do but you played tennis in college so don't Didn't you think about being in sports illustrated in the other fashion? Well, I like that they had all, like, the cool WMBA girls and, like, some tennis girls have done it. So I did it as if I was an athlete, and they're like, you're not an athlete. And they're like, they had like a whole athlete spread. And I'm like, do you want me to stand there? And they're like, no, it's okay. I'm like, I mean, Division I was pretty fucking.

That was a lot of work. Yeah, there was like 50,000 of you. They're like, you're like, you're like, three professional tournaments. And they're like, yep, you're like $13 in the world. Get line. Get back in line. $33. Tennis, you don't make prize money until you're like top two hundred.

Even still, right? Even still, yeah. That's so crazy. I know, but my Sports Illustrated, it did get a big response, but almost, you know, it's too much where I'm like, okay, guys, it's not like that crazy. What do you mean? A good response or a bad response? It was good, but to the point that they were like, like, it was like, she's so brave. Like, that was the energy.

Why brave? Is that brave? I think because I don't normally show off my body at all. Oh, brave to be so vulnerable. Yeah, like, people were like, Hannah, like, even like someone was interviewing me, they're like, I know you have imposter syndrome. And I was like, I don't. Who's saying that? They're like, you should.

If you don't. I actually could use a little imposter syndrome. You have none. No, well, life's too short. That's right. Yeah, yeah, you deserve it. Just say it's mine. I deserve it.

I did have imposter syndrome with tennis, though. But like art and stuff, I'm like. Arts, art's subjective. Who cares? Yeah, that's, I'm like, oh, I was bad. Talk to your own therapist about you projection. that shit on to me. Okay.

Tennis, I'm like, yeah, I'm a loser. It's objective. You know if you're good or bad. They beat you. If you lose in tennis, they're better. You can't, like, talk shit after. It's like, yeah, lost. Yeah, you lost.

Go home. Go home. Go get yelled up by your dad. And then go get on the cover of Sports Illustrated or inside of it. I think that's huge. I think it's awesome. Thank you.

I'm going to get on Redhead Monthly has called me this month. Oh. I'm going to get July. You're up there. You and Francis Ellis. That's son of a bitch. I came into his name.

You're like, cut that. Not around me, pal. Cut that. Not with that looks maxing jaw that he's got. I know him well, yeah. Oh, yeah, because you guys love golf. Your guys are white as fuck. We're also...

Two raw pieces of chicken. We're two different pieces of chicken, pal. Yeah, well, you come from a different breed. That kid's like Harvard Mayflower material. Oh, yeah, right off the boat. Or did you go to Harvard? No, to Harvard. Yeah, get out of here.

And lacrosse. I went to Arizona State. Yeah, dude. Oh. Yeah. That wouldn't be good for your skin? Arizona? Yeah, but it worked out just fine.

That's like unsafe. I died a couple years ago. That's crazy. Yeah, you're saying a hologram. This is like your third layer of skin. Yeah, we shed. Redheads do shed. I love that.

I have members of my family who do that. They're like, oh, you get a first burn, summer burn, first burn. I'm like, don't get burned at all? Yeah. Don't get burned? Don't you? I've never burned like that. Okay.

But it's also because I'm half Sicilian. So my Italians side probably helps out not burn. You know I'm half Sicilian, right? Yeah, I do. We've talked about this. Oh my God. Every time we go on this podcast, so we get to start over. It's unbelievable.

It's great. But you know. Let's pretend it's giggly squad. Don't fucking roll play me right now. Let's pretend real fast. I mean. Don't roll play me. There you go.

Now we're back in it. Right away. Where do you guys shoot that? Anywhere. Anywhere where laughter wants to be. Ooh, tax dodger. I get that. She's like, where do we shoot it?

The government doesn't need to know. Yeah, Florida. We shoot it in Florida. We shoot in West Palm. we're retired well you could retire soon you guys are doing so great no we have

it's just cool to podcast with your best friend if anyone knew you would know yeah it is you weren't at the Netflix brunch Bobby was like all alone I was at the Netflix brunch

Oh Who was in the back I was in the back Sorry we fully talked at the Netflix brunch Yep I was there I said hi to you

No Bobby and I When we're at a function When we're at a function together We're separate Yeah. We don't want to be together. But it's like, oh, my marriage.

Like when you're out in public, you... We show up together, we leave together. Yes, you don't have to spend time together. You're with them all the time. We see each other way too much. Yeah. And him, he's with... He sees all of it.

Yeah. Poor Spanish bastard. Yeah, the Netflix brunch was... How do you say bastard in Spanish? Bastardo. See? More bien. See?

Yeah, me very bien. You need to learn Spanish. I feel like you're, like, culturally... What's the call? Go ahead. culturally appropriating by speaking Spanish

because you're so fucking white no no you're house I'm a conquistador yeah no because of him I think by osmosis if you hire and hang out with a Spaniard

after a couple years right? I think you're totally good thank you I got approval you did not watch you watch your tone he's like just stick to casadilla

cassadilla Yeah. But he's, he's actually quite racist against Mexicans. The Spanish are insanely racist. Yeah. They are. Say it. We are. Yeah. Well, I know, I know a lot of, like, Puerto Ricans from New York, and they have opinions. Oh, brother, yeah. That I say out of. I say out of, but. Well, it's not our fight. It's not our fight. That's not our fight, man. You let the Puerto Ricans say whatever they want. That's not my fight.

Puerto Rico. Mm-hmm. Have you been to Puerto Rico? Yes. Lovely? go ahead so tell me about your time Puerto Rico yeah it was great

I never been I did just go to the Dominican Republic though I did actually traffic a dog and a cat from Puerto Rico that's what's like going on vacation with me

you know those signs in the bathroom that say if you're being human traffic this cat was like give me the fuck out of here Nikki Glazer in her special

was saying they don't have those in men's bathrooms do they of course I do really how would I know that I don't go in women's bathrooms.

How would I know that? That's what the governments are trying to figure out. Yeah. No, yeah, we have them. It says if you're being trafficked. Who's trafficking? Maybe boys. I don't know.

You're in L.A. You know the same. People traffic everybody. Yeah. Dude, the trafficking game is huge. He used to be in it. That's what we got out of. Yeah, he's a traffic door.

I've blinked twice and here I am. No, you better not blink, dude. Not on this show. You stay seated. Do you understand me? Trafficking? What a intense name, trafficking. I know.

Also, that's double meaning. I feel like they should come up with their own name for what they're doing. Human stealing. Let's be a little more up front about it. Let's be on the nose about it. I didn't realize trafficking was so bad until... It's like the worst thing in the world, and it's real prevalent. I just thought it was like, yeah, New York.

No, do we have an entire branch of the federal government that focuses on just trafficking. Yeah, aiding and abetting. Making sure it keeps going. All right, guys, speed it up. Just steal four or five today, will you? No, but we... I found out there was like a... You talk about trafficking in your new special?

Easy transition, by the way. Yeah, that was... Your new special coming out on Hulu. June 5th, which means it's out right now. June 5th, it is out because June 5th already existed when this podcast is out. You're a fucking real one. Even though this came out in 2029, you're real. And two years ago, my Hulu special came out.

You had a great Hulu special too. I don't remember. I wasn't there. Thank you. Did you never have a Hulu special? I did. I thought I was going crazy just like when I forgot that I saw you. That we hung out the entire bunch, actually.

We had like a full heart to heart. Is everything going on there? Okay. Are you firing at full speed upstairs? Are you worried about six lines tomorrow? She's shooting a show tomorrow. I'm acting in my first ever movie. You've never been in a feature film.

Never. But you've been on television. Kind of. Like I've acted as myself in some stuff. I'm new to this game. Do you have any advice for like... Oh, I'm getting out of it. This is so funny.

I don't want... I'm out. You're out? Because you were in deep. You were on everything at one point. I was like, can I see one show without them? me. Why? You got older? Yeah. Grace, once the gray set in. These grays are grays here. Once the gray set in. They're not interested anymore. No, no, no. You have to go full gray and then you're back again. But I don't, I don't

dye them. I just let them, this is it. It's coming. I'm just letting it happen on its own. I'm never going to not have, I'm going to let them go on their own. I'm not going to try to color my hair to look like this color. It's impossible. Isn't acting weird though? You have to be a trope or like they don't get it? You got to be, it's a moment in time. It's like they love you. because you fit the in you slot into a you know that show what's that Chris Hardwick show where the ball bounces in the fucking slot thing with the money oh the wall severance yes severance yeah exactly no come on um uh uh come on down how does your producer not have a computer isn't that the one thing he usually does what's the what's the what's the drew carry show

what's the Drew Carey show come on down oh um Bob Barker used to host a price is right. Jesus Christ. Price is right. Plinko. You drop a chip in it pink, bop, bong, and it lands in either a money spot or a bankrupt spot. This has been way too long to get to whatever point you're trying. I lost it already. What's the metaphor we're doing here? I lost it already too. Sorry, God. The fans will get it. You have to sliding at the right time. Yeah, you just slide in the right time. You're being slotted, you're being slotted, you have to really, it's, it's luck. But that's why we love stand up because you don't have to wait to get chosen. Yeah, we do it. We do it. We

we be slotting we be slotted no consent okay no I mean let's go I'm yeah we be slottin okay we be slottin what's the name of the film by the way I don't know if I'm allowed to say that

say it look at you're trying to get me in trouble I dare you to say it it rhymes with shrammer shrammer ram oh you know that one yeah the last airbender a new one

somebody told you earlier I would love to be an action film what did they tell you somebody told you earlier I cut you off. What did somebody tell you earlier? You said somebody told me earlier. What planet are we on? Oh, someone told me, oh, that, um, because I've had ups and downs in this, you know, long career I've had. And Virginia Slims. Someone was just like, like, don't worry about that. Just focus on your stand-up because people can't take that away from you. That's, I mean, they can't stop you from doing stand-up. Yeah. They can stop you from being

from selling tickets. Selling tickets. Yeah, that's true. That's true. But I guess, there's something about like actors to even act in front of people have to book something where like stand up you can always be creating you can just go to a cafe you just you bother it in subway bother anyone like the guys that's that are like excuse me go on a bad date do some crowd work well you don't have to do that anymore you're done dude no more bad dates for you I know how sick is that oh my god I don't I used to like dating now well okay don't tell your husband that no I had I Because it's like... You enjoyed the nuances of different people, meeting people.

No, I don't like people. Okay. I didn't like meeting people. That was the one part that kind of threw me. Meeting people? What did you like about dating? Dressing up? I think because I like to...

Like, I like interviews. Like, I like first impressions. Like, I like to try to impress. So I'd be like excited to try to win the date. But then, like, obviously I wasn't being myself. You were being a version of yourself. Yes. That would catch up.

But then when you met your husband, you're all like, I can be myself. Don't tell me what my life is and who I am. Isn't that true? No way you're speaking. Isn't that true? Recently, our company's softball team lost the big game by one run. Then Dale tried to console us with the quote, winning isn't everything.

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Prime presents perfect pairings. What pairs with Reacher on Prime? Reaching for a sparkling punch delivered with Prime. It's an unbelievable feeling when you're enjoying a punch. At the same time, Reacher is enjoying punching, people. Wow, he's still punching people. Entertainment meets fast delivery. It's on prime. You met him and you thought, I can be myself for the first time. No, I actually met my husband and I was

fully trying to be like really cool. And then I got on a reality TV show and it was going really bad. And I couldn't help but like be the like most amplified side of myself. Like imagine yourself in like the worst drama you've ever had in your life. That was the first Hannah he met. Like, I haven't fought with a friend since, and that's all he dealt with that summer. What a bummer. But I feel like it's almost like if he survived that. He can survive anything.

He can survive. This is real love. But also, I feel like if you're going to be intense, do it while the pheromones are still like... Hot and heavy. Yeah, the flying. Yes, because he missed all of it. He was missing every red flag.

It's gone. Yeah. Yeah, he's already too deep. He's way too deep. But who cares, man? Just get old, have fun, die together. Period. Yeah, well, he'll die first.

Men always die first. Is that exciting for women? We can't wait. Men die first, and then you're free again? We can't wait. Why do you think men die first? Because you hold it in? Stress, pressure, sadness, unable to really emote.

They're usually older. Yeah, yeah, we're usually older. Oh, you mean in the relationship? Men are older. Yeah, we're just older. They get born. We've never not. How old are you?

I'm older than you. We're all older than you. There is no man not older than you. Yeah. Your husband's older than you. He's going to die first. Mm-hmm. We can only hope.

That's awful. Have you done a will? No. You will. You will. Wait, it sucks. If I die first, it would be so dramatic in like my character, though. The way you die.

Yeah, because it would have to be like. So bold. Accidental. Oh. Or. Plankment. Yeah. Ooh.

Then you really get on a movie. It gets dark in these hotel rooms. What happened to Anna Burner? She was supposed to watch your husband die. Do you like those? Yes. The murder mystery. The only things.

I like cults. I like murder. I don't watch like scripted TV. I don't watch reality TV. I watch things that make me feel better about my day. Oh, so people being awful make sure you go, I'm great. Because I'm hard of myself. So I'll be like, why don't you say that's that person?

Like, are you fucking stupid? And they'll be like, I'm going to turn on someone who like murdered their whole family. Yeah. That's the deal with it. I do like to watch them. It's called perspective. I like it. I don't watch scripted either.

I don't watch any TV. When people are like, have you seen this? No. No. I watch a lot of documentary. I watch the whole thing about the fucking, we came home hammered the other night. We watched me and my friends and my wife. We watched a whole thing about the Hindenberg.

It was pretty powerful shit. Wow. Yeah, we just, we were, we were on. the learning channel. I do like that. I like watching history stuff and figuring it out. Yeah. The Hindenburg was crazy.

It was a Nazi propaganda blimp. But it was a tourist blimp. Like, imagine you getting on American Airlines. And outside of it, it also has like a swastika on it. And you're like, geez, I'm just trying to go overseas right now. It is crazy to think about, like, at the time, that was just their normal. No one was questioning it. Well, they were questioning it.

But they were like, but do you want to go to Jersey or not? Like, I do want to go to Jersey. Wilds on get into blimp. It's crazy. It's pretty crazy to think that's what they did. It's actually, the wild shit is it took forever to fly these fucking blimps over the Atlantic because of the winds. So it took forever. And then it crashed when it got here.

The worst. You wish it would crash halfway to the voyage. You don't want to go through four or five days in the air. And then it crashes as you're fucking landing. What a nightmare. I was talking to my friend about coming on this pod. And we were like, I was like. Whom?

Do I know? No. Nobody in the biz? No. Okay. And I just was like, this is my favorite boy pod. I love going on this boy pod. And I'm like, but I don't know what to talk to him about.

What do boys talk about? And I'm like, they love talking about war. And it took you like 20 minutes and now you're like. 20? I think we're six minutes. I was like, he's talking about war. Pre-war. I'm so bad at war talk.

Like I can keep up with guys with sports, with just, you know, shooting the shit, roasting each other. War is where you lose me. You don't like war? I don't know if it's I love war No I just I'm really bad at history

Ah See I don't think I like history War Yes I like history a lot Men love history It's interesting You just bring You're like

I went to the Rider Cup And I had to like interview The people in the stands Who were fucking crazy And I just started asking them about Like the war of 1812 And they got so happy Yeah they love that shit

They got jacked up How fun was the Rider Cup It was crazy because I had to get there at 5 a.m. Because the T. Off, we did like this live thing. Yeah, like a live broadcast? Yes. So it would be pitch black.

And the place was crowded and people are chanting. And it's 5 a.m. But it feels like it's like 2 a.m. at a club. That's awesome. And it was just like chanting USA. USA versus Europe for people that don't know the Ryder Cup and golf is a... Yes. It's a glorious moment where USA battles...

I was asking them if Spain is in Europe. I was like trying to get up. Spain is in Europe, yeah. Do you not know where Europe is? No, but there were some men who didn't. There were some guys, some of the Americans, they were having fun. It's over there. They were loose.

Where is it? Just fucking over there. Who cares? And then there's the British who were just like, O'A. They love to say, fucking make everything into a song. Go ahead. You guys love singing. Ole, Ole, O'le, O'le, O'le.

See? O'le. And they hit it every time. They never lose a note. And then they interject quotes or phrases about players. Yes, everyone has a little ding-dong song. Yeah, they all have ding-dong weird songs. But they do that.

does that. How do you all know the songs? Or do you like kind of make improv? You learn them as you go. Oh and then you start repeating it. It's jazz. You got to improvise it. See we're not creative like that in America. We literally just were going USA the whole time. I was like guys are fucking embarrassing. Three best letters in the world dude. We were making him say that when we were in London. Remember that? I was making you go you get so high. It's the best dude. It just pisses people off. They're like what the fuck are they doing? Rider Cup big, rider cup huge. Golf event now?

Are you a golf girlie now? I've been a golf girlie. Now you really like it. After the Ryder Cup done. Back in my day, I had a 15 handicapped. Let's play. I'm going to smoke your ass, dude. Are you not doing your show anymore?

What happened? No, I had to take some time down. It was too much. It was heavy. It was heavy. It was a lot of travel. We traveled like crazy. Oh, so you were three times.

Yeah, we went out. Yeah, we went out. I went to Spain and London and all over the States, and then we toured and went to London. Then we went to Australia. And golf is not a, like, hour tennis hit. Like, it could be like... It's a four-hour game.

A hole 11, I wish it would end there. Many people say this. My mom says 12 holes is perfect. Perfect. Yeah. Because, you know, you start... Mentally, I get bored. You get over it.

Especially if you're not at the score you want to be. Yeah. Then you just got to sit with yourself. I mean, it's life. Sometimes you're not where you want to be. That's right. Golf is life. You love when it gets inspirational.

I do. I love some heart in the pod. Well, I think heart has to under a lot, has to be beneath everything for it to be good. Even when it's mean, it has to be heart. Yeah? Like, look at this. You look awful today.

Thank you. But that's, see, could you tell? There's heart underneath. It's not about what you say. It's how you make people feel. That's right. Would you ever do a roast? Like one of these roasts?

Fucking no chance. Fucking no way. Why? I don't get, I don't, I don't, I never liked the roasts Like I thought they were fun I guess but I It's not for me

I don't know Well some people their whole life is roast comedy And that's like sure Some people are roaster Some people are Some people do only crowd work Some people only do one liner Like some people are so good at those things

I don't Because I know if I said something People will be like Ooh he means it I don't have the Like you kind of gotta have like A very like cheery I'm just kidding

personality to roast. I can't, I, I'm just not good at it. I don't wanna, I don't wanna do it. And also, I think if there's no heart beneath it, like if you really don't, if I didn't really know somebody, then it would just sound mean. Yeah. I've judged roast battles at like New York Comedy Club.

It's hard. It's like 2 a.m. Open micers just fucking rip it into each other. And they know all the dark secrets about the other, yeah, it's weird. I'm like, you guys don't even have Wikipedia's. How did you figure that out? Well, they tell them all that. They're like, give, they elicit.

They're like, remember my dad died? I'm going to talk about that tomorrow. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, thank you. I can't. It's not for me. I, like, good for the people that love it, but I can't now. Yeah, it's a certain, like, muscle that they...

I don't feel like working out that muscle. Oh, I was thinking of back to golf. Oh, yeah, give me golf. Paige Sparannock reached out to me to play. I'm playing with her tomorrow. Her two days. Well, slut is out here playing with everyone. She, I'm playing with her in two days.

Tell her I say hi. Yeah. We're going to play in the Hamptons this summer. Whoa. So... When in the summer? In July. I'll

You're not invited Okay Well I'm gonna be out in the Hamptons For the U.S. Open for Shinnocock Is so am I Okay I'll see you there I'll see you there Maybe we'll play

Why don't we go play Let's play Why don't you come play with me And page in two days Come play with us I'm gonna be in New York Oh you're leaving in two days Yeah

This is my last podcast This is it You go back to New York And you settle in For your brand new special On Hulu Hulu that's releasing on Friday Thank you

Boys, you're gonna fucking love it You don't like You don't want to any of the boy fans, is that what you're trying to say? No, I do. It's about war. I have I did have a gun joke on my first special. God bless. We love guns. This one, I

What's my like? It's strictly business. Isn't that what it's called? No. None of your business. None of my business. None of my business. Who's business? Who knows at this point? None of my business is the title. You think of titles at the end or the beginning? The title, my title was given to me.

they ghost writ it was given to me a friend of whom a friend of mine saw the special when I did when I practiced the hour that actually works

because you're so deep in the material how do you not know the name of this and I was like I don't know and she was like it's white noise because I do a joke about white noise so good and she was like just name it white noise and I was like

such a good title how did I not how did you get the Che Burger one cheeseburger cheeseburger that's how he says it cheeseburger cheeseburger

cheeseburger cheeseburger cheeseburger cheeseburger was based on a mental breakdown that I had a conversation I had with my wife

I was having an existential crisis and a mental breakdown and I literally did say I was like frustrated with something I was like I just want to be a fucking

cheeseburger I just want you to like because I love cheeseburger and I was like I just want you to like me that's my last meal cheeseburger

I was like I just want to want you to like me. The cheeseburger? Enjoy me now. And that's it. Just enjoy me. Stop overthinking. Just eat me up. Just eat me up, man. It's not that deep. Just eat me up and enjoy me. Are you crying right now?

No. For all the listeners, I'm definitely not crying. Cheeseburger last meal? Yes. Cheeseburger and a Coke? No. Dr. Pepper. I actually fuck with Dr. Pepper. It's the best. It's the only soda I really like

dabble with. And I kind of like that it's underrated. Like, he's an underdog. Or she's an underdog. They are an underdog. Doctors can be anything nowadays in 2020. They can, can't they? Thank God. It could be a they pop pepper.

Ooh, they pepper. Dr. They pepper. Dr. Them pepper. We're for everyone. Although I had a Mr. Pib at the other day at the Dodger game. Because my wife was like, can you get me just a soda? I was like, oh, what do you want? She's like, Dr. Pepper.

And they didn't have it. So I said, I'll have Pib. And I brought it back to the seat. And she sipped it. She spit it at you? No, she's so funny. she literally goes, this has no flavor. She's like, this tastes like nothing.

And I tasted it. I was like, it does taste like vague soda. Like spicy soda. An idea of soda. Yeah, Mr. Pib. He didn't get his doctorate. That's why he can't fuck the pepper. Yeah, he's no Dr. Pepper.

He's weak. But yeah, people don't talk about a doctor. The way everyone's like, Diet Coke. And look, I get the lore. I do love a D.C. But a diet Dr. Pepper, it hits. It hits hard. But I've started drinking.

I go with the Europeans. I drink Coke Zero now. They like Coke Zero. They like Coke Zero. It's so funny. Coke, no sugar. When you go to Europe, anywhere you go, can I have a Diet Coke? He's so proud of you.

He's like, I taught him that. It is true. When you go to Europe, you go, can I have a Diet Coke? And they go, go fuck yourself. And they go, diet, do we have Coke no sugar? Do you want Coke zero? What accent is that? Nondescript.

I knew. Non-descript. It's anyone. It's Europe. It can be everywhere. Europe. Yeah, because Europe, you go to any country in Europe and you'll meet someone in Spain who's from Croatia. And they live there now.

We get it. I do. Do you want to see my passport? I miss when they used to stamp the fucking passports. Did they not do that anymore? Not really, not like they used to. Some countries still do. Sometimes they just throw it to you.

They're like, oh, you're good. Get out of here. And you're like, I came for a stamp. I love the stamp. My old book was filled with stamps. I got my bag stolen that had my, like, passport. Stolen? When I was little?

That had all in my journal. From where? I don't connect. I don't connect to materialistic things anymore. Where was this? It's so random. I was at a tennis tournament in St. Lucia. They took my bag, took my passport. I was stuck in St. Lucia. It was beautiful. Yeah, what a great

place to get in. I was like, oh, fresh bananas. Wait, did you go to the embassy to go get a new passport? Yeah. What a nightmare that is. Well, I, like, knew a guy. Okay. They always know a guy. I knew a guy. What, you knew, like, a consulate? So I, like, one of my tennis friends was, like, related to someone. And he was like, actually, this is not interesting at all, but he was like, I know the guys who stole your stuff and I got them to I think they gave the passport back or something shut up something happened where they were like we're not giving you anything else back but like we could find like yeah keep my shit just give me my passport yeah I'm like about my shit just lip gloss keep my lip gloss and my eyeliner and let me fucking have my passport back you can tell

I've gotten my purse stolen overseas I do not like it I love who you called it a purse I have a purse my wife got her phone stolen day one in London remember that funny as shit. But was it kind of refreshing for her to be like, free. Yeah, okay. I was fucking livid. I was trying to see the bright side of it. No, it was really annoying. She's like maybe we can be free. Because yeah, if you lose her, she's trafficked. No, the problem. That's how drug. That's how it starts. Well, the problem is you trace it. You can see it. Oh. You see where it is. So I'm like, we should go over there. No, went to the Middle East. Within like a day, it was in the Middle East. And they told me they, they, they sell them for

parts. So they don't like sell a phone. Are you about people or? Like a crime syndic. that steal phones. There's like groups of people that still phones in London. And they're fucking good. Yeah. I went to the Apple store and I was like, hey, we need a new phone. That was, remember this? We had to have Carlos buy my wife a phone here to bring it to Europe because you couldn't activate her cell service from the United States there. They wouldn't let us do it. Verizon was like, couldn't do it. Shout out Verizon. Stinks. It was so annoying. Dude, I was like, what do you mean? Can't we just buy a phone here and you can? And they're like, no, you can't because it has to be activated in the States. So she got swiped. She was just going about her day.

Dude, we were sitting having lunch at a pub, and like in America, we put our phones on tables. It's just normal. You don't even think about it. No, there's people at the table. We were talking to the table. It was like a community table. We were talking to strangers, having a great afternoon, early evening.

And a guy came in, you know, selling flowers, and he had put shit on the table and pulled it with the phone. We weren't really paying attention. Where? We're fools. We're tourist fools. But I asked Apple guys, how many times does this happen? He's like, oh, die.

People come in. Oh, take. I'm like, we'll change the laws, man. Well, he's behind it. I think they are. Apple is behind it. I know what you're up to, Steve Jobs. From beyond the grave.

So what did you do for the rest of the vacation? Deal with that? Well, no, these guys were coming to see us. And so we had Carlos, one of the guys that works with us, buy a phone here and take it with. Yeah, it was kind of tight. Thank God for that. That was kind of like a random.

Men in STEM, let's go. But also then she was fine. She had her, you know, she iPad and all the. She had all of her little choshkis. Because if you don't have your phone, you're always like, do you have your computer? You're like, I don't. Like, do you have an iPad? Like, I don't.

Do you have any other things connected? You're Apple? And you're like, oh, God, oh, God, I don't know. I actually never got an iPad. Got it. Let's get you one. Do you want me to get you one? I'll buy you one.

Okay. For your special. For your brand new special. None of my business that's out right now on Hulu, I will buy you an iPad. How many gigs, though? I'm not getting you a big gig one. Wait, but what is the point in the iPad? It's just if you're not in the mood for the phone or the computer, you could be on an iPad.

You're like, I'm taking a big break from my phone to be on my iPad. iPad's kind of like what... Is it for reading? I like it for movies on planes because you can download movies on planes. Yeah. I do like that's... I'm such a loser. I'm watching on my phone.

I can't do the phone. Too tiny. I don't like it. Yeah. I like the iPad on a plane. I get the big fuck off iPad. So you download a lot of movies before you fly? Yeah.

And I watch a quarter of all of them and fall asleep. I caught falsely, but immediately. I'll watch, literally, I'll watch 20 minutes of a film, pass out, wake up, and be like, fuck, and then I'll start a new one, pass out, wake. It happens every time. I've watched, you know the beginning of every movie. Every movie.

Whenever the title cards come up, I know every scene for the next 18 minutes, and then I'm out. You just hear the voices. That's the best sleep. Oh. Just slowly hearing like a couple fight. And then pass out?

Yeah. Are you a bit, do you have a glass of something on a plane before you fall asleep? No, I'm an incredible sleeper. You won't take like a Xanax or something like that? No, like I always get the window seat, put my head to the side. I'm out. I think that's how I survive in comedy. Like, if I can sleep on flights, I don't think you could tour 70 cities.

That's true. Can you just sleep in a chair? Can you sit in a chair and just sleep? Oh, I would sleep on the subway. Like, I just put my head down and I like know when my stop is. It's kind of my, it's my special thing. It's your superpower? My superpower.

You don't take the subway anymore. No, I do. I'm never catching. You're lying. And you know what? I know you don't... Not as often as I used to. You don't take the subway.

The subway's faster than a car sometimes. Lyer? When I had to go to Midtown and I live in the Lowery Side to podcast sometimes. Oh, people have pod studios up there. Yeah, and it's... And also, people that don't know, Hannah's actually... She's underneath the Elmo costume in Times Square. It's hot.

It is, dude. I got to get a fan in there. You go to Midtown and you pod, you'll take a train. I guess, okay, that's fine, but you're lying. I know you're lying. You take a car. Don't lie. I took the subway every day to go to high school.

Yeah, when you were young. It makes me cool. Now you're an old lady. People respect me because of that. Yeah, and old ladies need to take the subway. They let me sit down because I'm old. Yeah, they're like, ma'am? I'm just bloated.

They're like, ma'am, you shouldn't be standing. Once I thought I was going to get robbed on the subway, and I was holding, like, a bag of clothes, and I put it in my coat to pretend I was pregnant because I was like, would people rob a pregnant lady? And it worked. And I was also 16 and pregnant on the subway a new show coming this fall Because I had my big winter coat so that I just was standing there

I was like you're fucking genius Have you ever lied and said I'm pregnant to like skip a line or get into a thing or do a thing? Oh why haven't I thought of that? Oh I mean you did that they're kind of right? You pretended to be pregnant so people would leave you alone Yeah We were in Palace of Versailles We stood on the rain for three hours to get into that fucking dump

and it was pouring down rain, and there's no bathrooms and these long, long lines, and my wife had to piss so bad, and she was like, I can't, like, I don't know what to do. And I was like, just run up there. The lines were forever.

I was like, just run up there and beg them and be like, please, please, please. And she goes in last, like, last second as she got up there, she was like, pregnant, pregnant, pregnant. And they were like, go ahead, go ahead. And she was like, I felt so bad for lying,

but she's like, I was going to piss my pants right there in the line. I was like, it's a good move. And no one's going to question, no one's going to be like, Oh, are you pregnant?

Period. Period. You get away with stuff. If you go period, period, period. I got period stuff going on. Girls will be like, go, go, go, go, go. Yeah, men will be like, do anything. Get away from me.

Some men are like, give it to me. No, I just throw a tampon at someone. Let me. Yeah. But, yeah, when you're younger, I know friends would be like, just say you're on your period. You got stuff. Skip the line.

But like, 25% of time we are on our period. Yeah. Like, it's a fucking high chance. Yeah, it's a very high chance that you're on it. Or it's coming, or it just left. I just ended mine. Yeah? So I think that means I'm...

How did it go? Was it a good ending? Do you want to know? Heavy the first day? Hell yeah. And then super light. Very chill. Yeah.

Do you name it? Like, what was that? No, I just... Give it a name. Like how they do hurricanes. So I detach it from myself. I'm like, she's not me. She's Delilah.

Oh, this was a Delilah this time. Delilah. You should name it depending on the flow. The heaviness of the flow, that dictates. the name of the flow. But it's crazy. Like, depending people, I took,

you ever talk about this before, guys are apparently betting on the WMBA based on women's cycles. Because there's a certain part of your cycle where you're like top performance. Like you are just epic.

Like, you feel like a superhero. Athletic peak when you're on, when you're... Yeah, you have energy, your brain is like on it. Wow. It's just part of the cycle. So,

I'm definitely going to use this. I'm not going to lie. Do you bet on WMBA game? No. In here, We pour whiskey. This episode of Whiskey Ginger is brought to you by Fandul. Baseball fans, you think you know who's hitting a homer today.

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You called me when I was in Oklahoma. At a casino. That's right. That was a dark moment for me. You really added some light to my day. Why was it so bad? You were just not enjoying the moment. It was one of those, I think it was like the third city in three days.

Tired. There was nowhere near the casino. You know, I don't, no, I don't do betting stuff. You don't gamble at all? No. No. No dice, no cards, no machines, no nothing. No. What tickles your fancy then?

What's your little risky? She's burgers. Hell yeah. That's your risky shit. That's me partying. What's your, what's your latest, like, what's the latest, uh, bad girl meal you had? Oh, bad girl meal. Yeah, where you're like, I'm bad girl all day, baby.

No, you're not. All day, baby. You're a good girl. I had pancakes this morning. Night before I had enchiladas. Love. I don't go a fuck. You do give a fuck.

I don't go a fuck. Also, because when it's your period, it kind of goes right through you. Oh, hell yeah. Hell yeah. So God just takes care of it. He's like, look, you're bleeding, I got you. Have a couple pancakes. It's a natural laxative.

All right, pancakes or griddle cakes? Is that like a Midwest thing? Grittle cakes? No, I'm about to blow your mind, dude. I wish you stayed longer. I'd take you for breakfast tomorrow. Is that like a fried? It's oatmeal, it's an oat-based.

Oh, uh-oh. Grittle cakes? They're so far. fucking good. There's a place that does griddle cakes. What time you're working in the morning tomorrow? It's my only meal that I care about. I'm trying to remember six lines. It's going to be the end of me. We should have breakfast. I would love to have breakfast of you because that's the only

meal I care about. Dinners are bullshit. Lunches are phony. I love breakfast. And I know this. There's a theory that like women don't ever know what they want to eat. That's not my game. I'll tell my friends what they're in the mood to eat. Yeah. That's awesome. You're like, I know what you want. You know what girls think, I don't know. I'm a like we're getting Chinese like I crave like a pregnant person yeah I know exactly what I want I know what sides I want I know savory sweet I know the moment are you a dessert after every meal I'm a savory girl all the way I never I never crave dessert I'll have cake I like a birthday

this is a random story I don't like sweets I'll have cake but I do like me some gay just cake though I don't want ice cream fucking what kind of cake are we talking like a chocolate vanilla even a fun fetti. If I'm feeling gay. Vanilla sponge cake? Yeah. Chocolate. See, I'm chocolate.

That's like overcompensating. No, it's why, no, no, no. We're two different people. I get invited to the cookouts. You don't. Because you like vanilla cake. That's a dead giveaway. Kids who like vanilla cake did not get invited to the cookout.

As soon as they see me in chocolate cake, they're like, oh, he's all right. He hi. I fuck with that little red hair. Hey, Opie. That's what they used to call me. Opie. Opie. Opie Taylor from Andy Gray. Hey, Opie!

What's up, man? You are. Good times. Look at you thinking about back then when you were shit-red. Well, I go to basketball courts because I wanted to play basketball. It's all blackheads. You're like, can I run? And I like, who's going to let Opie run? I used to love that shit.

You go let Opie run? And then once I could see that I would actually was good. They'd be like, ooh, Opie can ball. Okay, Opie, I see you, bro. I can see you as playing as like the 12th man on a basketball. team that comes in when there's like 50 seconds left and you fucking like I'm an handicapped kid I go into the last fucking when they put in the white kid at the end I was like hell yeah hey there's some white kids in the NBA that are doing okay right

now we got some there's some there's some okay the white kid in the NBA thing is like JJ Reddick he's not in the NBA he doesn't play anymore yeah he doesn't play anymore Jason kid just kidding he's black jazid kid is black he's black do you not know any other white people in the NBA um Danilo Gallinari Garnari Garnari But he's Italian So it's almost not us

True, that's not us Alex Crusoe Shout out my boy AC Yeah, yeah What about What is it? Kodak

Cozac Cozac Covac Covac Covac Covec on the Knicks Covac

Oh right Yeah Yeah See I found it Coak I'm like Kozac Codiac Bears

There's a good amount of whites in the NBA David Lee Porgzingas But any of the Eastern Europeans Men love this shit

Just listing Players They love the shit Look how excited I saw two guys do this an entire plane ride, just naming players and where they went to college. That's how we get to keep ourselves occupied. It's so funny. Dude, it's either that or...

I actually was having fun there. It's either that or they hijacked the plane. That's the first one I've had in years, actually. True. Yeah, it's either that of these two dudes are like, we should crash this thing. Let them name ball players. Us naming white basketball players. What do girls go back and forth about? Feelings.

People who are pissing them off. That's actually what it is. eminies you guys talk more about eminies i love talking about eminies eminies are a big thing with girls how many enemies sometimes are out to get people how many enemies do you have right now so i'm in my post reality tv era where um i'm not reacting

or getting involved in any drama shut up you lie you're just avoid you're trying to avoid it i'm making decisions like recently something happened where someone told me like crazy gossip and i knew the person like i could have told me them the gossip and I chose not to do it and that was like an insane healing moment. That's a big leap. Like I just was like what if I just didn't torch this place on fire right now?

And you didn't. And I walked away. It did end up. There was drama like but I wasn't the beginning. You're like I had to step in at some point. There was a point when I couldn't let this go. I was I did. I eventually did fan the flames. Actually it was about me. See guys don't do guys don't want to. We. We. usually see that stuff we're like nope i don't want to fucking see like something something happens and then every girl has an opinion on it no the truth is we take ourselves down

we truly take ourselves down we in theory are like trying to overcome the patriarchy if we could stop like maybe because we're we're trying to fight for something we're not like defending maybe that's it like so we don't feel like there's enough space

but um Yeah, like I only get a long with Nikki Glazer because she's blonded on a brunette so they could like put us on the lineup together. You're not allowed to be on it with another brunette? If she was a brunette, I feel like that would be too competitive. Really? I'm just kidding.

No, there's something underneath there. This is, I'm just kidding, but also, not really. Like. Okay, what if it's a brunette, but she's gay? That's okay. Yeah, because you're not gay. Because I'm not gay. But I am lesbian passing.

You mean lesbians accept you? Yes. like yeah because I'm athletic like I can beat a lesbian in a sport sometimes do you have broad shoulders no I just have um I have a dark hole in me that is competitive and my will to win can take over and this is lesbian energy is what you're saying yeah because like I'll like even when I was little my dad was like never lose to a boy because you like him like if I lost a boy in tennis he'd be like did you have a crush on him never let a man distract you like that's how I was raised like pumbled into my head.

Wow. So like... What if the guy just beat you? Then I need to get fucking better. Yeah, that's true. But, um... No, then, like, respect, but I was just taught, like,

men are distracting. You have to focus on the goal. How's your dad? It's a great man. Yeah. He's a coach. I know, I can tell. Yeah.

I can tell. He's fucking... I was like eight at the time. You don't like that boy. No, I lost to a kid, and he was like, better than me. And my dad was like,

it's because you had a crush on him. But did you have a crush on him a little bit? Actually, I think you probably could tell I had a crush on him. Tennis guys are kind of hot. Some. What sport is the hottest guys? Good question. I would say basketball is too lanky.

Like basketball... Like Wemba's not your style? I mean, look, climb him like a tree, but he... Also, when you're with a really tall guy, it's like dating a celebrity where, like, everyone has to comment on it. Like he walks in and everyone's like, you're tall. Yeah. You're tall. And you start, it's like someone be like, you're in that movie.

Like it gets really like boring. It gets two weeks in and I'm like, yeah, he's very tall. So basketball's out. Basketball's out. What about football? Football, their brains are not okay. But we just said hot. Oh.

Who's the hottest? I like a tight end. Yeah, you do. They're always the hot ones. They are the hot ones. And they call it tight end for a reason. Why? Because it's a fucking gay sport.

and they were like, let's name quarterback, fullback, running back, and then I'll know where they're like, tight end. You have to be the tightest on the end. You're the tight end. Yeah. That's your grinder username, your tight end. But everyone else has back in it. That doesn't make sense.

Well, back also kind of gay. What's going on back there? Back. And wide receiver. Oh, he's wide, isn't he? You think there's no one in the room that I was like, maybe this is. Yeah. Maybe we should.

What if we change it? What if we just switch it up and call me? me the guy out out guy out guy yeah i'll go out i think i think as a girl i'm speaking as a woman you want to say who you think's most attractive it's baseball baseball boys are by far the hottest dudes but like show hey otani beautiful man come on man but there's something like no they're awesome and they got that cool uniform it's slow the game is slow No. And some of these pitchers, they have, not to body shame, guts on them.

We got to be able to throw a baseball hard. You got to have some guff to you. Yeah. You got to have some fucking. But like if he's in a what's it called when they like can't hit. When they're in a slump? When they're in a slump, they'd be so annoying. They wait, I'm going to slum.

Oh, yeah. They come home. Like they bring out. They'd be like, do you want some water? I'm going to slump. I'm slumping right now. Like they make everything about their slump. And I'm like, to get out of a slump, you have to stop talking about it.

And then we're in a fight because he can't open up to me. This happens with tennis, too. People get the yips. Yeah, I had the yips. Did you? Yeah, I underhand served for like a year in college. Wait, didn't someone in Roland Garros just do a bunch of underhand serves? Yeah, but now sometimes they're kind of doing it for like, flair.

Oh, it's not for, it's not for, um. Cocoa Van der Wey did some underhand and so did Sabalanka. And that's, this is, this is just mix it up. Yeah, but no, but they had the yips. No, but they had the yps. Coco and Southlanka. Yeah. Love to see that.

This is my thing with the Yips. As someone who's suffered from the Yips, the way I've overcome it is if your brain is so powerful that you can convince yourself you can't do something, it's that powerful that you can convince yourself you can't. To do something, yeah. So like where my brain has super failed me before in like very embarrassing ways, I've also used my brain in ways where people are like that, why did, how could you believe in yourself? And I'm like, because I've not believed in myself before. You know the other side. The dark and the light. golf is all between the ears. It's the same thing. They say tennis court six inches ear to ear.

Yeah, it's the same game. It really is. It's a me game. I'm playing you, but it's me. But golf, what's scary about it? Tennis, there are variables, but it's funny. You get the yips with your serve because you're just, it's all you, where golf is literally just all you. Yeah, you're just standing. Well, that's why people get, they do this. I remember Tiger Woods. There's a word. That you're not supposed to say. What's the word in tennis you're not supposed to say? Yips. So the one in shank. Sorry.

That's the one in golf. Yeah. When you hassle it, you shank it. Yeah. It's really sad. Why did we do that? We can't play golf again. You should cancel with page.

You call page and not to cancel. It is the word we don't say. We're not allowed to say it. But when somebody's even gets close. But if you say it twice, then it disappears. Shang shank. It's only allowed to not say it when you're playing. Yes.

I love how we're making the rules up as we go. Yeah. That's life. If you say it over your left, shoulder it doesn't count. That's my right. Fuck! Ten more years of bad luck. I've had it though. The yips are fucking, that's a crazy.

I've had it too and you have so much shame because you're like... You can't believe it. You're fucking loser. Like, why are you doing your... And everyone else is like just playing a game and in your head you're like, you're fucking crazy. Like, I remember going on the court and everyone's like excited to play and I'm like, they don't know I'm about to double fault eight times. And you did?

Yeah, because I decided I was going to. Once you tell yourself you're going to do it, you do do it. And I think it's, and at first I was like, I'm a psychopath. But then I realized, like, you can use your powers for good and evil. And what are you using your powers for right now currently in life? I honestly think, like, stand up. I'm, like, kind of crazy with it. Like, I...

For good. For good. No evil. Like, I don't doubt myself ever with it. I just go out there and I'm not hard of myself because I've been, like, so mean to myself in my past. Yeah. So stand up, I'm very, like... You're over it.

Yeah, I'm just. just like be yourself out there and have fun and make these fucking people laugh. Where'd you shoot this special? Toronto. Why Canada? Because it was February and I was like, I want to go somewhere really cold. That's the one. Actually, because the Toronto crowds are incredible.

I know they're great. I'm just saying you have no connection to Toronto though. No. You just decided it. You know, when you shoot a special. Massey? No, I went smaller. Bluma Appel.

It was like 900. That's nice. Yeah. That's a great size. It's funny because my first special, when they were like, it's time to shoot it. I didn't realize that you have to pick the theater. You have to pick all these things. And there's not like a list somewhere of like, these are the recommended theaters to shoot.

No, you pick it. And the agents still get 10%. And you do all the work. We're still going to get them on there. But also, like, we're busy. Like, we're not talking. There's not like a good group chat. Well, no, comics don't also, they gatekeep.

They don't want to share a place that they shot because they're like, well, I don't want you to show. shoot there. I shot there. Yeah, and I guess you could kind of try to hear through managers like who's, who shot where, but I was, I ended up kind of shooting at like a music place in Philly, but it went great. Yeah, but that's great. But the second time around, I was like, I knew if when I do shoot this special, I need to find it. So I was like writing down theaters I liked. As you went along. As I went along. And I'd already played New York. I'd played Boston. I played and we hadn't done Toronto yet. So we were like, that's the spot because I knew a a place I like.

It's a great city. If you're listening, it's a great place to shoot a special. What is it? Toronto, I'm trying to think of the kids and they interview

the Toronto accent. Fame? Fam? Toronto accent, fam? That's what they say. They always say sorry. They're obsessed with saying sorry.

Yeah, sorry, fam. They literally do something nice and they go sorry. No, sorry, fam? I've never heard this, the fam thing is a big Toronto thing with the kids on the internet. Oh, I'm not hanging out with the kids.

You are? It's on the internet. Why are they coming up here? I'm hanging out with kids on the internet. me up on your algorithm. All I see on my, I see like people harassing people in public online.

That's all it is now. Why? It just people harass people. That's like a TikTok world is like, how do you harass people in public more? Yeah, and then to get the reaction. It's like punked, but like not produced. But they're just being mean. But you keeps coming up because you keep watching it.

I have to. It's upsetting. I can't not. For a long time, it was golf and dogs. Yeah, that was a nice time in your life. Yeah. And then it moved. Yeah.

But you get, they give you one little, it's just like crack. They're like, hey, watch this one. And you're like, Oh my God. And you can't stop watching it. But the problem with the algorithm is, then they think that's your one and only passion. Yeah, then they just, like, just drown you with it. Like, what's on your explore page of Instagram right now?

So it's literally tons of tennis videos, cats, and, like, some fashion. You're a cat girl? Why do you say like that? Question mark, you're a cat girl? Spanish question mark, you're a cat girl, question mark. Exclamation point. You're a cat girl. Cat? I didn't fit you as a cat girl.

He's on TikTok. They do the disappointed, sarcastic. Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay, here, let's see. On mine is... Here we go. Let's see. I'm going to see. I don't have my phone. I don't have my phone because I'm living in the moment. You shouldn't. You should have your phone in a little time. I don't have my phone. Okay, fat guy running. Tennis, golf, baseball. Uh-huh. Spencer Pratt. Golf, golf, golf, golf. Look at how much golf. Golf, golf, golf, golf. It's all golf.

Yeah. Spencer Pratt. But I've, like, learned a lot from watching, like, tennis videos. Like, yeah, some of the pros are, like, just doing viral stuff. But, like, I'm a visual person, so I've been, like, learning. Your monkey see monkey do. Yeah. Like, did you ever take lessons when you were a kid?

With tennis or golf. Either. Yeah. I was, like, at, like, 11 years old, I almost, like, try to go pro in golf. But I went with tennis because I liked running. Yeah, in golf, there's no running. I was literally created by my dad to become pro in something. Like, at one point, we were, like, choosing, like, okay, it's a basketball softball.

You're lesbian maxing. That's what this is. A hundred percent. You're lesbian maxing. It's more like my dad just wanted a champion. He didn't care of as a boy or a girl, and, like, I was athletic. And when you're an athletic girl, sometimes, like, put me on the soccer field, I'm fast. Next, you know, I'm, like...

Was he athletic? Cushing it. He was the one white guy on the Brooklyn Tech's basketball team. No shit. So he did sit on the bench, but he made that team. To make the team is huge. The way he was respected in that high school, nobody fucked with him. No, they salute though. There he goes. There's whitey.

All his white friends, he was like, don't talk to me anymore. Yeah. Like, he was the shit. Guys, I don't need to talk to you anymore. I've moved on. He's like, can't talk to you for a second? Never talk to me again. He was friends with Lorenzo Charles. I don't know if you know who that is. Lorenzo Charles. He was a famous college, NC State.

Look, the listeners know who I'm talking about. He played on the team with my dad. Nobody knows Lorenzo Charis. He's dead now. Oh, how'd he die? Car accident. Shit. This is what boys talk about, right?

Some of it. I'm honestly like, fucking, I know what to do. You want to be a girly? I can be a girly. I love him like, I'm a boy, and you're like, I'm a literal girl. I'm a lady. Okay, ask me something a girl would ask me. We're getting brunch.

Oh, we're at brunch? Yeah, you love brunch. It's my favorite meal. You're loving your brunch. You just got a side. I love sides of brunch. Do you think you should have three? Mimosas?

Because we have stuff to do today. No girls. Oh, you're having another mimosa. Ask me about where my jacket's from. What do you mean? Girls aren't passive-aggressive? They would go, oh, Hannah's having another. Oh, no, that, yeah, they would do that.

They'd be like, oh, Mimosa Hannah. Ooh, Mamosa Hannah. I guess we don't have, I guess we don't have to do anything later today. No, but day drinking, I can't. I'm not doing that anymore. You don't drink anymore. I'll drink. Very rarely.

But I'm not sober. Like last night I was somewhere and someone, I thought it was water. and it was fucking mescal, which should be, I got roofied. No. No, but like, mescal, you warn someone

and say it's mescal. Mescal. That's crazy. Like, if it was tequila, it's fine. Methcal. Mezcal. Mezcal. Mezcal, bathroom.

Yeah, I'll have just one glass of. Have you ever had mescal? Yeah, I love it. Tequila. Mescal tequila's great. Smoky. I like repasado better. Or aniejo.

Say it. Aniejo. He's literally kicking his feet. He loves this. Yeah. And whenever we do Spanish shit, he gets off. That's how he gets his rocks off. This is what guys do.

Do you know, my husband and I are trying to learn Spanish? I did do lingo in the beginning, but he's, he hired a tutor behind my back. So he could get better than you? Yeah. Genius. Like, he was like talking to some Spanish lady in the room and I was like, hello. And he's like, what's up? He's like, yeah, I hired her tutor.

I'm like, you wouldn't want to. Just this woman in your house? No, it'll resume. Oh, I was like, that's insane. Every day. Every day. Hello, Hannah. Who is this?

that. This is Maria. I hired her to beat you at Spanish. But now I feel like I can't catch up so I've lost momentum and he's like good at language. He speaks Mandarin. I know. It's his whole thing. He speaks everything, right? This guy? Yeah. So like I can't talk shit in any language about him.

In English you can. Or American you can. True. He's not American. No. I speak girly. He gets confused. Speak girly to me. I'll break it down. I'll be able to dissect it. By the way, we're still at brunch. Wait.

Ooh, Hannah, more pancakes? I love random sides. Like, it doesn't have to go. Like, once I ordered, like, a cheeseburger as a side at brunch. What was the dish? What's the main meal? That was during my college career, though. Like, I was burning a lot of calories.

You were working out a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you mean a lot of sides? Just, like, a lot of meats? I need my pork sausage links. Bacon for people who need... one or the other. So you're a big meat eater.

At times. I don't eat meat. Are you vegan? Yeah. Billy Elish and I. Just you and Billy. You can't love animals and eat them. No, I know.

And I love animals so fucking much. When she said that I was so annoyed, I was like, come on, that's, come, stop it. You think she should have had a different PR? No, she says whatever she feels. I just was, I was like, lady, I love my dog. But I do want to eat cow. I thought you're, but I do want to eat her sometimes I thought about it

Do you ever squeeze your animal hard enough that you're like I'll fucking eat you Yeah, she also wants to return the stolen land Except for her house Except for her house, yeah His house was on stolen land That's so funny The irony is terrible to be like

Hey, return stolen land And they're like, dude we actually looked up your house And she's like no She's she, I get what she's saying Yes But come on That's two things can be true at once So you're disagreeing

Are you vegan? No What is why are you lying to me? I didn't lie. I tricked you. Magic. Anieho. What?

Oleg, Oleg, Oleg, Oleg. Oleg. We got her. Ole, Ole, Oleg, O'le, O'le, O'le. Thank you guys. That is how we trick her. I like cats because I'm a city slicker. And when you grow up in Brooklyn, New York.

Fuck you. You don't have a yard. Yeah, you just want to let it wrong. I don't have a fucking seven golden retrievers. I have my cat. I like I don't hate cats I just don't get them Have you had one? No

And that's why I just like animals that I can play with I feel like we've fully had this conversation In the last pod But it's been long enough That I feel like it's a re-debate Seven years Seven years

What was the last thing you said I wasn't listening I just want to be able to play with them And that's the thing Can't play with cats You can play with cats Nah you fucking with a thing And the thing No

I want to take it outside I want to throw a ball I wanted to get a ball There's nothing better than getting stone and throwing a ball. There's nothing better than getting stoned and having a cat purring on you. Nothing better than getting stoned and nibbling on a dog's ear and it licking your face

and then it chasing stuff. Do you ever feel like after you've had a dog, you need to take a shower? Not my dog. What kind of dog do you have? What is she? Is it like a fart? Like you think yours smells good? No, no. My dog, he's met my dog. My dog is fantastic. She's very good. She's from East L.A.

She is Her name was Pantera Is she a chihuahua? No She's a mutt She's a cocker spaniel, Terrier She's like five different things

She's a little street dog She loud? No No No no She's quiet Unless I say Do you want to go outside?

And then she fucking Do you want to go outside? Do you want to go outside? That's what she does Do you ever feel like people Who have dogs I'm going to lose all the audience That I was trying to gain from this

But you ever feel like People are just always yelling at their dog like they're like I love my daughter I love my dog but when you're spending time the whole time they're like mad at their dog oh that's not us I let the dog do what she'll also

these are people with kids do the same thing I love our kids it's the same thing put it down! And she'll look at you and she's like my life is over but it's the happiest I've ever been yeah I'm worried about that I'm worried about that for you well this okay

because if you have kids you'll probably be a great mom I'm 35 34 I'm round up I'm rounding up I don't get a fuck I don't get a fuck don't tell him don't tell him

I don't go fuck 34 35 35 34 I'm 34 235 and it's as a standup I feel like

I'm getting some momentum right now and I get worried like if I have a kid no fuck that have a kid no fuck that I could throw my past

do you want to have a baby I mean I know I could live without it yeah but I know I could live with it Have one. Have fun. Fuck it. Who cares? Have it. Have it. Have it. Have it. Leave it home. I'm 42. You're 42. It's over, man. No kids. It's over. I'm done. But if I would go back...

You don't want to adopt a Spanish baby? We tried. They didn't let you? They don't listen, those kids. He didn't give me enough money. Yeah, he ran away. Cuehete puto. See? Cate la boca. Yeah, adopt. Maybe adopt. Maybe adopt. But also, you know, no.

Also no. Also no. But yes, maybe, but no. Probably not. Well, it's, it's for sure a commitment. I'm trying to work hard so that I can have help when I have kids. Taking care of your kid. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm also, I'm, I'm a dad when it comes to. And your husband has to be a mom. And my mom will help. My mom's like really good mom. My mom, like, guys would meet my mom and be like, why can't you be like your mom? Like, she's like successful. And domestic and sweet. She does it all. She's incredible. And I think she, she let me, like, be a tennis player and she took care of me.

So then when I was out of my own, I was like, what is a dishwasher? Ah. And you did, so every, they did everything for you. Not everything. It was more like. Laundry? You never did laundry? I had to do laundry when I went to college and grew up.

But, like, as a kid. We had to do laundry as kids. It was because it was like after school. Three hours of tennis. Homework. And I would, I was. I held my end to the deal. Like, it was a lot of pressure.

Like, I got straight A's. I got full scholarship to college. But she did my laundry. And that was the agreement in the household. That's it. You do well. I'll take care of you. You sound like the husband.

You sound like an abusive husband in the 50s. I did what I was supposed to do. Marie, you do what you're supposed to do. Where's the food, Marie? I bust my ass. Where's the meatballs? Who's the meatballs? It was a meatballs, Marie.

Yes, but it was very highly functional, beautiful household. Did your mom work? Yes, she's a principal of a middle school. Still? In Brooklyn, she just retired. God bless, let's give it up. Public school in Brooklyn. P.S.

P.S. 51. F.1. MS. 51. MS. 51. M.S. 51. MS. 51. M.S. 51. Shada. She was the principal. She was the shit. Principal Bernard.

She was, you couldn't go anywhere in town. That's not town. It's Brooklyn, but I always wish I had a town. Brooklyn is a city. Yeah. Well, it's an area, but it's a town. Mrs. B! Ms. B! Ms. B! Ms. B! There she goes! She's cool. She was hot. She was a hot principal. All the middle school boys tried to give her hugs, and she was like, not today. Not today. I'm not ending up on TikTok in one of these new videos. Jesus Christ, every week.

Some new teacher. What is your algorithm? You don't see this in the news? No. You know this. It's crazy. Oh, well, I knew there's like... Every week, there's like a teacher with a kid now. You're like, oh, it's just like a... This is like a huge thing. Do you think it's always been happening? Yeah, we just now see it. Yeah, now, like that teacher, that woman they published all her text messages to this. Yes, I read those actually. You read every one of them.

We all did. We all did. It was, he was, he didn't give a fuck. She was like, I used to be big. He's like, yeah, you were fat. It was so mean. No, but like, he was just, yeah. He was a teenage kid.

That's what he was. He was a fucking child. I mean, they're scary. Yeah. She was being bullied by a teenage kid and she's like. It was taking her back to high school is what it was. That's what's really sad about it. And she wanted the popular guy who didn't care about her to care about her.

It's very sad. It's very sad. Yeah, it's very sad. Yeah, it's yucko, but it's very sad. It's been sad. Two things can be true, Billy. I love my dog, and I'm still going to eat meat. Two things can be true.

Both things can be true. There's also something about dogs where I do think they're slutty, where, like, I think if I met your dog today... She'd like you. She's a whore. She'd like me, and I could literally... take her home and she'd be like fuck my dad yeah she goes what's wrong what's wrong with that there's no loyalty there's no loyalty free love the dogs let the dogs do i want to be with a man

who'd meet one woman and is like she smells nice i'm gonna go live with her fuck you well dogs and humans are two different things they rely on us cats wouldn't do that my cat would slit her fucking throat if your cat walks around your place like it oh like you fucking owe it money i and every room it's like when you fucking wha I pooped again inside. Scoop it up. The fact that you have to go outside with your dog is torture. Like it's raining and you have to go outside.

We live in paradise. It doesn't rain here. You guys live in the fucking, we live, that's what. And by the way, if you don't have a dog in California, what are you doing? This is dog state. I just love the fact that my cat, if you walked into my house, wouldn't let you touch her. I don't want to touch her. Exactly. She doesn't want you touch her.

What kind of cat is she? She was found in a dumpster in the Bronx. butter. Shout out butter. She's not listening. She misses me. My dog is listening and she's pissed. You found her. What kind? You don't know what kind? She's

She's brown. She's brown. She's brown. And she... Puerto Rican? She's Dominican. She's from Brooklyn. Yeah, that's right. She's Dominican. But like, with me, I could put my face in her stomach. I do anything. She cuddles with me. She would have...

We have our own language. It's just she doesn't trust other people. So if you are always the person the cat doesn't trust, I wouldn't like cats either, but when you have your own cat, you are the center of their universe. Oh, so you like owning things. No, she owns me. This is even sadder. I know. See, this is why dogs are better. Because that's not connected. I own that thing. It doesn't own me. So you like to be in control. You better believe it. That's what life is about control. But I like knowing that I earned her love. Yeah. They don't love you

Dogs are like Oh my god, so good to see you Cats are like what? My cat when I get home She skips to my lute of me And lays on her back She goes hi She's like where you been

It's been so weird here And she doesn't fuck with other cats She just wants to be alone But that's not like you You want to fuck with other cats You like people I do pet every cat I don't like people

Why are you putting words in my mouth? You like people like people. I like people for small doses. Sure. Like this is peak me. Like one-on-one is great. Hour 20? Perfect. Perfect. Perfect. Also me going LA. I love going L.A. because people are excited to see me. Should have moved here. And then I leave. You should have moved here.

Maybe one day. Yeah, this is this, you're, this L.A. is for you. Why? Warm. I live in Florida. Yeah, but that's, you. but it's humid. That's humid. True, it is humid. There's way too much humid down there.

Yes. See. And Florida. I'm just kidding. I know. We know where you live. Connecticut. I'm just kidding.

Jersey. Who me? You live in Maine. I love Los Angeles. Yeah, it's great. It's beautiful. It's great. Except I can't drive.

Yeah. I have my license. I know. She got dropped off by a. little, a sweet man who walked her into the door. Look, Boris has my back. He's gone. Boris has left me for Ben.

Yeah, I just dropped off girl at studio. She did. Why are all the drivers here? Go ahead. Russian. Or Albanian. That was the program we did with Ukraine. All that money we sent to Ukraine.

They sent him a Ukrainian drivers here. So Zelensky got what he wanted. We got what we needed. We sent him money and they gave us drivers. Why are they all Albanian? Yeah. There's a program. Is there a program?

We have a driver program for Albanians, yeah. It's a good gig. Yeah. And you probably, you know, I don't know. I think it's easy to file. I think the government... They all look like Albanian spies. They all look like villains from James Bond.

They're like, hello, welcome to my car. Come in, my car. Yodgam You had Mintsurgam You're like I don't want to eat I'm okay But they like Loose mint

They love They love their car clean Like up of my foot up No foot Please please please please No foot please Please no foot The guy last night

We were driving He was like I go Just go up Lassianaga He's like Why I was like Well it's quicker It's quicker than going this way

He's like Okay He was livid By the way If his friends asked him, he would have been like... That was actually him being happy. Yeah, he was probably stoked about it. You did cut off two minutes so good for you, yes.

They're dangerous, too. They don't give a fuck. They drive like maniacs, dude. They cut people off. They cross four-lane crossovers. They don't give a shit. You could get... You'd be fine over here.

You get a car that you don't care about. I got my license this summer. Really? Mm-hmm. Congratulations. Thanks, you. I kind of had the yips, I think. You passed a driving test?

Yeah. How many times do you? It's a whole thing. It was a lot. Well, it expired. I know it could expire. I'm not good with logistics. I'm a very creative individual. Also, I'm a dad. I don't know when things are due. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't know when your anniversary is. We literally forgot. You had to think about it? Well, I'm not, I have stuff to do. It wasn't in my calendar. It's not in the Google.

The 11th. Nope. September. May 23rd. May 22nd. 2020 of Friday. May 13th, 2020. It was the Friday the 13th who got married. You said 22nd now? You changed it three times. So it's May 13th. These things don't matter. They don't. I feel like couples that post about their anniversary. Sketch? Someone's cheating. If they post about anniversary? Yeah. Happy anniversary, baby. I love you. You're in a fight.

That's the only reason to post. Someone has a gun to someone's head. That's why they're posting. Post it. Why didn't you post those pictures? Why didn't you post those fucking photos? You don't post with your husband. No. Yeah, because you're separate entities. LLCs.

Yeah. Also because what's the benefit? Well, you're both in the same business, which is interesting. I mean, that's tough. Because you both have your own interest for your career. Some people want to overlap the career. You don't want to do that. No, and also, like, you don't want people following you

because they love your relationship that they see online. People do like to do that. They do love it. Like we'd probably get some kind of engagement and stuff, but like it's really nice to protect. You're your own entity.

You don't need to fucking, it's not about him, it's about you. And for his world, it's about him, not about you. It's you, not him,

him, not you. You not him and him, you. And I do feel like our relationship is healthy because we don't like need each other. Well, and you hit him.

We choose it. We've seen the videos. With the forehand. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, you don't get the yips then, do you? Fucking crack him clean. No, he's injured right now. Why?

What did he do? He had another knee thing. What, what do you mean? Like an ACL tear? Yeah. Doing what? Skying. Okay, good.

Because if you said pickleball is gonna fucking lose it. He did pop an Achilles with paddle, but that's European. Padell? Is Apollo or Paddell? Some of these comics... She doesn't fucking know. Some of these comics... You're like, don't fucking ask my friend.

Paddle in Spain. I'm getting into paddle. Because some male comics are getting into paddle, and I'm like, I'm going to fucking... People are good at it? Comics are good at it? No, you can fuck them up. No, they've been playing, they're practicing.

I've heard there's some tournaments going on. I'm going to see if I could... Really? Yeah. Big J. O'Gerson is back on Padell, huh? You got to hit off a wall. Like at the beach. This is what retired people do.

Yeah, as you're going to say, this is very, very Florida. You're perfect for Florida. I'm a retired old man. You got West Palm written all over you, man. Yeah, you do. But I do see myself, you know, wake up in the morning, got your tennis match. Go to Mar-a-Lago. No.

You go to Mar-a-Lago. I don't have the plastic surgery for Mar-A-Lago. No, you don't. You would need to do the thing. I need work. You need work, and you need, like... I'm also not... They don't let brunettes in Mar-a-Lago.

Not anymore. No. Unless if you're Russian. Then you still need to dye it at some point. They give you a gap time. They're like, look, you've got like a month or two. We're going to let you get away with this. I know this is an experimental phase, but you got to be blonde. Did you ever dye your hair blonde?

I did. Everyone does. Every other time. Freshman year, I cut my hair short when I went to Wisconsin because I had like an identity crisis. I was like, I'm a cool girl. Like I have to show people I'm different. So, like, cut it short. Don't have the jaw line for it.

Oh, really? No. Pull your hair back. No. Oh, yeah, it looks great. I'm a Victorian boy. A little bit, yeah. I see you playing with a stick with the wheel outside.

Hi! So I panicked, and I went to a student center where they were like, it's like $25, and I was like, bleach it. 25 bucks to bleach your head? And the lady was like, we would not do that to your hair. And I was like, bleached my fucking hair. Now. I, first time obviously came out insane. Like it was the kind of reaction where you were walking down a hallway and people are like triple like they don't recognize you

Right and it was they'd be like Hannah and then I had to go back in for them to try to fix it and then I lost my match and my coach yelled in front of the whole team It was like maybe if you guys stopped spending all your time fucking dying your hair you'd win a fucking match and I was mad at me Who the fuck does that guy think he is? He was my coach you were going through something no I was working stuff out creatively and internally that's right and I'm Right. And also, I was wearing a hat. What's the difference? If anything, it was distracting for the other player to see the blonde across the court. Yeah, that was

strategy. So yeah, I did go blonde. I have photos of it. Can we send him? Yeah, I'll send it. I want to see him. By the way, what's this coach's name? I'm going to find this fucking guy. No, but it made me stronger. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger? This brunch has been good. Yeah, that was girly of us. Girls love

singing and a song together. Oh yeah, go ahead, try another one. I forgot every song. Wait, wait, wait, wait. I forgot every song. Did you pick the music for your special, by the way? First, I was afraid. I was petrified.

So easy. Yeah, that was easy. I did. How about this, ready? It's just one of those days! Days! An Olympic biscuit. Yeah.

Everybody sucks Wait the high That was because my little brother would listen to that shit And I'd walk through it He was just like playing World of Warcraft Listening to that shit Get the fuck out, Anna Three Days Grace

Three Days Grace Is that what's called? I don't know what the fuck that is Wow, I thought we were relating to each other for a second We got it for a second But you, well you asked me I hate everything about you Why do I love you?

Three days grace Slow pushing on her while she was doing that When we edit Can we do that? Who did the music for your special? You picked it? Oh, that was some non-coparied shit Some what?

Non-coparerated shit Oh, you put some shit off the I'll pull some shit off some lime wire Oh shit That was lime wire You just, you got, yep, it's illegal Either way Did you like the, did you watch my, you didn't watch my special

It's not out They didn't send you the link No you could have sent it to me you have my phone number it's like you could have fucking sent it no they didn't send it I actually don't have the like final link

that's been going around Hulu never sent no one sent me anything I do have Hulu blocked I did block them and you give them 20% and I give them 20% 20% and they can't send a fucking look well say this I haven't seen it and I bet you it's phenomenal

and it's out right now and it's none of my business Did you, are you saying the music from the trailer I posted? Yeah. Oh, yeah, it just ended up working out. That's good. Thank you. I just had them, I walk on to ASAP Rocky one of his songs.

I forgot. I like that you don't know which one. I love that this is what I walked on. Oh, no, I've been walking up to 50 cent. Many men? No, not Matt Rafe. He loves. 50 cent

Wow, I'm blanking I walk up to tears of a clown Really? No It's such a sad song That reminds me Jessica Kirsten Is one of my favorite people One of the funniest people alive

We did a show and she walked on And it was like an arena Like it was crazy And everyone's cheering She just takes the mic and she goes This will never fulfill me I'll never feel good about myself The more you clap for me

The more I hate myself This will never make me happy And she said that for like 10 minutes and it was just brilliant, just beautiful. I love her. Yeah, so 50 cent. I forget. It doesn't help when you look at me like that.

Oh, that's a good one, though. What 50 cent song do you use? Let me see your phone. Give me one lyric. Do you have any lyric? Okay, here you go. 50 cent. It's really good.

It's a really good. song. No. Just a little bit in the club, 21 questions. Oh, it's P-I-N-P. Oh, my God. That's what I walk up to. How do you not know? It's the fucking... The title is the song. I don't know what you heard about me. But if you can't get a dollar

out of me, I don't let no hose you can't see. Because I'm motherfucking... What's the word? P-I. That's what I walk up to. That's basically my show. That's the show. Well, people are going to enjoy.

Thank you. I hope so. Of all colors, ages, races. All I care about is I loved it. You loved it and that's all that matters. And then I let it into the universe. Let it live. Yeah. And now I got to start over and think of jokes. Fuck that. Are you touring a little bit or no? I might do some podcast stuff. I also need to memorize like six lines. Well, okay, she's got to go to bed because she's got to go to do work. Fancy's got to go take care of his family. Work is a strong work. She's got to do You give six lines

And you know Look it right into the camera Hannah don't look into the camera What? Why don't they put a teleprompter Interesting You're supposed to be in the moment I could be in the moment

While reading Well you're not on the news You're acting in a movie I got to tell you You're going to kill it tomorrow Go watch on my business right now on Hulu I love you And take your girlfriend to watch it too

your girlfriend. Take your girlfriend. Or if you've never spoken to a girl before, that could help start a conversation. Watch it on Hulu. If you're on a date. Yeah. Watch it on Hulu. Or your wife.

Or if your wife left you and you want to like rekindle something. Yeah. And you want to see your kids again? Yeah. That's like the end of a lifetime movie. Go watch it right now. It's available everywhere on Hulu. And then message me.

Tell me your favorite joke. And message or tell her your favorite joke. They can hear me. You don't have to repeat. No one can really understand you. Let it want to speak. It's hard to. It's hard to understand you.

We end the show the same way. Look at that camera. Say one word or one phrase whenever you're ready. Mm-hmm. One word or one phrase. Placebo. Oh, that's very good. I thought you were going to say placenta.

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