Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Whitney Cummings

Episode Date: November 24, 2023

Returning to the show this week we have a knocked up Whitney Cummings! This soon to be mommy is down with GOD...and DOGS. Be sure to check out her new special "Mouthy" exclusively for FREE on Only Fans TV. (Link Below) https://www.OF.TV/WHITNEY #whitneycummings #andrewsantino #whiskeyginger #podcast =================================================== SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS RABBIT HOLE $5 OFF with Promo Code: WHISKEY https://rabbitholedistillery.com/drizly ZBIOTICS 15% OFF your order with Promo Code: WHISKEY https://zbiotics.com/whiskey SQUARESPACE Get that site up and running now! 10% off your order https://squarespace.com/whiskey ME UNDIES Get 25% Off & Free Shipping! https://www.meundies.com/whiskey ========================================= Follow Andrew Santino: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ https://twitter.com/CheetoSantino Follow Whiskey Ginger: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeygingerpodcast https://twitter.com/whiskeyginger_ Produced and edited by Joe Faria IG: @itsjoefaria Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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What up, Whiskey Ginger fans? Welcome back to the show. If it's your first time joining the show, welcome to the show. We got a good one for you today. Like my man Steve Harvey done say, it's Whitney Cummings, who is coming out with her sixth special. Six. Sechs.

Sechs. Eins, zwei, drei, vier, fünf, sechs in German. Sechs. Whitney Cummings. It's on OnlyFans. O-F-T-V. O-F dot TV slash Whitney uh it's called mouthy and boy oh boy is she she doesn't shut up ever when i'm chatting with her but i love her so very much

go watch mouthy on of tv right now the link is going to be in the description below go see her on tour go see me on tour my friends next weekend, we're wrapping up our little run of the final Bad Friends 2023 tour. We're going to be in Chicago, Milwaukee, Minneapolis, and Madison. That ends it out. Then after that, we're jumping all over. We're in Atlantic City. We're in Reno. We're in Tucson. We're in Sacramento.

You name it, we're going everywhere, baby. Go to badfriendspod.com for those tickets. Badfriendspod.com. Enough rambling from me. Let's go to the episode. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You're that creature in the ginger beard.

Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the whore. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on Earth. I say that for all my guests, but I mean it once again. Today, it is the return of the very, very pregnant Whitney Cummings. Yay! Look at that belly. About to pop.

About to pop. About to pop. She's about to pop. Oh, I'm sorry. I woke you up and I woke up Frank who was laying down very sweetly on the floor and he didn't like that. She's gonna pop soon. Sorry. I've just lost my mind. I'm just fully pregnant bringing Great Danes to podcast recording. Sorry. It is such a Whitney thing to do.

As soon as I saw the dog's face falling out of the side of your car, I was like, Whitney's here. There's no doubt. He couldn't even see who was in the driver's seat. I was like, that's Whitney. Don't worry about it. White trash to like die. Some dog, a dog's head out and about a gallon of drool on your window. And I was like, Whitney's car. No doubt. The dirtiest, like most ruined car and a dog's head. Whitney's car. That's so true. Whitney's pulling in. Don't worry about it.

15 blankets in the back. But you're, because dogs, which I respect about you, dogs are much more important than anything else in your life. You don't really give a shit about things at all. Dogs over things always for you. Dude, the only problem I have with Donald Trump is that he doesn't have a dog. He was the only president in the U.S. No, there were two presidents that didn't have a dog, right? He was one and then someone from like a hundred years ago. Ironically

Grover Cleveland. It was Grove. It was the Cleve. But like I, if someone doesn't have a dog, don't you think it's a little weird? I think if you're young and can't afford it or have roommates it's different. If you're on the move and you're someone who's like, look at the most United States presidents have kept pets while in office. James pulk andrew johnson and trump so three okay did not have pets well andrew johnson i'm a little surprised aj i thought he was he'd

be johnson did take care of some mice he found in his bedroom that's a real that is insane mice got into his bedroom and he claimed them as pets, but dogs were too much. But he did have some service vermin. But let's talk about this. This is what I've always thought about with that. Which of these presidents got a dog because they were, you know what I mean? And then they didn't pay attention to it, didn't love it. Like, you know you could go down the list of people that probably played with the dog at night

and did like games with the dog and then other people that somebody watched the dog. And then when it was time, they were like, get the dog in the photo for the thing. My favorite is Joe Biden's dog that won't stop biting people. Yeah. Is this like a third time it's bit somebody? It's Secret Service, right? Yeah, because it's on cocaine. Yeah.

It's been sniffing cocaine in the White House, dude. It's like, it's Hunter Biden's drug dog. By the way, I don't know if you guys know, the dog is actually the laptop. That's actually Hunter Biden's laptop. It's not really a dog. It's like, it's Hunter Biden's drug dog. By the way, I don't know if you guys know, the dog is actually the laptop. That's actually Hunter Biden's laptop. It's not really a dog. It's a computer. German Shepherds, as they get older, they get really bad hip dysplasia

and they get in a lot of pain. And they're so, and they get really inbred. So those- 11 reported biting incidents? 11? I thought it was way less. Wild. 11 times.

Personnel. This is why Kamala, we haven't seen Kamala. She won't come out of her office. She was 10 of the bites. She's like, nah, dude. If those dogs are biting white people, I'm staying in here. Imagine what they'll do to me. They'll bite my white half

and yell at my black half. That is unbelievable. But I know that. You know that at night, I know George Bush played with dogs because he's kind of like a dog. Dude. He's got dog energy. Can you?

One of my dreams in life is to own a George Bush dog painting. Have you seen these? They're so good. He paints dogs. They're honestly, they're actually so good. I really love them. I genuinely like them. I don't know.

Look at that. Look at how cute that is. Wait, what? Come them. I don't know. Look at that. Look at how cute that is. Wait, what? Come on. You don't like that? That's so dope. Dude, that is the, like, I don't even know the words to use to insult this, but, like, there's no depth of field.

Like, it's just. It's a very flat dog. It's just like, like, what's the shadow underneath? It's like, oh, you know what? The cat's not bad. The cat's not shadow underneath it's like our oh you know what the cat's not bad that's not bad i don't know i don't know this i just love that he's taken this part this this is his look how funny that he painted that and that's joe biden no that's how you say that's the portion of the white house that's kamala trapped in the corner but like i just love like what are you gonna do when you're, like,

you've got so much money, you've been on shows, you've won awards, you've won Emmys. When you're done, what do you do? Or just, like, you know, Howard Stern started painting. He started photography. Oh, yeah. Well, you golf a lot. I golf, but I think when I'm done, I think I do have to find a thing. Like, my neighbor, this is absurd.

This isn't me, but he's like a really like a tinkerer and he hand builds cars and he literally fashioned a boat. He made a boat. Whoa. And like I can see me- And then went to explore the Titanic? He did. He went down and he never came back.

We miss you, Steve. He literally made a boat. And I thought, I thought I would love to do that because I know I could never finish it. And that is why we have an Adderall shortage in LA. Yeah, 100%. Like there's literally, where in LA are you using a boat? I guess he takes it to And that is why we have an Adderall shortage in LA. Yeah, 100%. Like, there's literally where in LA are you using a...

I guess he takes it to the marina or something? Yeah, he goes... Well, no, also, they take it up north. They go to, like, yeah, where there's real water you can get it.

Whenever somebody comes here, like, my cousin moved back, you know, and when he first came here, he was, like, living with us and he was like, how often do people go to the beach? I was like, never. We've never...

We go to the beach when we first move here and then you never go again. Also, the beach, no one talks about the? I was like, never. We go to the beach when we first move here, and then you never go again. Also, the beach, no one talks about the fact that sand is just light-colored dirt. God, I love you so much. It's just dirt. I love you so much.

What's the difference between sand and dirt? It drives me nuts. It gets in all of your shit, and it's almost there for the rest of time, in perpetuity. But why do people think it's clean? No, yeah, it's not clean. It's dirt.

It's just light dirt. White dirt, yeah, because they see white dirt, and they go, look at how clean that is. It's nice. No, yeah, it's not clean. It's just light dirt. White dirt. Yeah, because they see white dirt and they go, look at how clean that is. It's nice. No, it's just rocks and dirt. The boat thing, maybe this is... I just go to Murder Weapon for the wife.

Boats is just for... Well, she's been giving me a cocktail at night. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. She gives me like... It's like a magnesium and fish oil. And then she's like, it's going to help with sleep and da-da-da-da-da.

But I've been drinking it like a dummy every night. I don't even think about it. She comes over comes over yeah she comes over to my house my wife lives in another house she comes over your wife is doing it yes i was talking about the guy with the boat sorry oh i was like the boat guy's wife no no he comes over to black out he literally wants to drink all every time i see him he's always like he's a british guy he's a couple of pints and i'm like don't you think when a guy wants to get rid of his wife he gets a boat or he builds a boat no see the opposite he built a boat so he could get a—he leaps. Got it, got it, got it.

He goes solo with the dog. Uh-huh. He brings his dog on the boat, which I think is the most dope shit. Yeah, yeah. The dog just sits on the boat with him, and he sails off and drinks coffee. Hot, like it. I think that's at the end of your life when you're like, we do love each other. We also—I'm going to go on a boat for a month.

I'm just going to—yeah, yeah. Leave me alone. I'm going to go on a boat. So I want a thing where we can both have a, I feel like you might like mill your own whiskey. That, that I really,

I really would love to distill my own stuff. Distill. That's my, that to me would be, the problem is, uh, I,

I just, I'm afraid of like, uh, making such bad nothingness shit that I've wasted all this money and time on buying all these stills

and all that. But it's not about it being good, you know what I mean? I do want it to be good. It's about figuring out the alchemy of it. Yeah, but dude, you know, you're as competitive and a perfectionist as anybody. It would drive you nuts if you made bad shit. I do think it's important to have a hobby that we don't turn into a business.

Good luck. It's really hard. She's selling this dog, by the way. I'm breeding. Yeah, she's breeding now. Breeding rescues. I's really hard. She's selling this dog, by the way. Anybody that wants to walk. I'm breeding. Yeah, she's breeding now. Breeding rescues. I really want bees. I want to start doing honey. I want to do the honey bee thing. I'm very into this. My business manager has bee, and he sends me honey all the time. And he said it's the most

calm he's ever felt, is when he's tending to bees, or keeping bees, he's like, I feel the most at peace. I don't think about anything else. You have to focus on the task at hand. Because it's not something you can do while you're doing it think about anything else you have to focus on the task at hand because it's not it's not something you can do while you're doing it

you know when you see someone like knitting in the airport and I'm just like is that kind of like a fidget spinner to that person you fly in spirit people making their own clothes this episode of Whiskey Junior

is brought to you by Avelo Airlines where do we fly we don't even know you go to South America these days what the fuck are you going to South America these days? Yeah, yeah. What the fuck? Are you looking to go to Lisbon? Avello. Dude, that's one of those things.

When I see those new plane companies, I go, those are not okay. That's not okay. No, we're not taking on new brands. No, no, no. It's not okay. We're not taking on new. Like, we didn't know these are tried and true and tested. We're full taking on new brands. No, no, no. It's not okay. We're not taking on new, like we didn't know these are tried and true and tested. We're full of airport brands.

It's like how Nike and Adidas, it's over. Under Armour was the last new like shoe. Even still, we were like, I don't know, Under Armour. Yeah, the front of the toe is a little square, Mike. I don't know, Under Armour is the spirit of shoes. Yeah, this feels like a China, big China grab. Yeah, yeah. This doesn't feel.

And all the Chinese reps that come here are like, don't you just love our shoes. Yeah, this feels like a China, big China grab. Yeah, yeah. This doesn't feel like... And all the Chinese reps that come here are like, don't you just love our shoes? You're like, wait a minute. Puma got in by the skin of their teeth, thanks to the Armenians. Scratching. They're scratching their way in.

That's only because they partnered with like Ferrari, and the Armenians love Ferrari shoes. No, these are Puma, but they're Ferrari, but they're Puma, but Ferrari. They really make the money on the gold sweatsuits. The shoes are just the side hustle. No, I had a dream last night. They really make the money on the gold sweatsuits. The shoes are just the side hustle. No, I had a dream last night.

You reminded me. This is so creepy. We were flying into somewhere on the road, and you guys were all like, I knew you were there. I didn't see anybody. And this is so lame. Just like in the movie Flight.

That's Denzel's movie, Flight. Is that what it was? The one where he plays the alcoholic? Yeah, the plane flipped upside down. And remember the hot stewardess he was sleeping with breaks her neck on the top of the...

Love that part. Woo! Love to see a woman break her neck. We'll be right back. No, it flips over and it landed really softly. And it was so creepy

and everyone was like, we're totally alive and nothing happened. That was like the crux of my dream. And then I was in this, we were on the road road somewhere it was super overwhelming and then we had to fly out it was almost like we flew in flow out and then i immediately was i was scared to get on the plane are you touring too much i think i gotta be honest i'm serious that's probably what it is we leave in

what 10 hours we're leaving again it's too much yeah this is them Upside down in the plane And he lands it safely It's awful Am I touring We are touring too much You know who else is Everybody Not this guy Well when you have the baby

Taking a little break You're gonna bring the baby On tour though I think it's important to I mean you guys are Co-headlining So you'll do what 45-45

No dude Are you kidding me The show is like Two hours and some change we each do no No, so we do less stand-up time and more I would say I do 30. I do 30 he does six Bobby does like a tight seven and a half You know that Bobby's one of the first people that brought me on the road with him. Really? Tell this story Yeah You know that Bobby's one of the first people that brought me on the road with him. Really? Mm-hmm. Tell this story. Yeah, well, I remember the first thing we would do when we would land in any city is

go to Rite Aid and get Elmer's glue for him to put all over his body and peel off. Does he still do this? When I talk about this to him, he gets mad as if it never happened. Oh, am I going to get in trouble? No, no. He does these trauma things where he's like, I never did that. And I'm like, yeah, you did. Yeah.

You used to have a ball of glue on your bathtub. I remember on his bathtub was a ball of glue. That was not glue. Oh, God. That wasn't glue. He made me kiss it every time I came over. Kiss the glue ball, Santino. He would put it all over his body.

And peel it off. Let it dry and then peel it off. Which is like a symptom that like I think elementary school kids do. It's almost like when you color on your jeans or you, like he loves those little like. But is it the smell? Because I mean I remember when I was in rubber cement. Yeah, I love that. You like gasoline? You like the way gas smells? Love. Me too. Love it

so much. Oh God, when I go to a gas station. That's why I got rid of the Tesla. This is me when I fill up my car. When I fill up my car, I pull it out and I'm like whoops. I love the smell of gasoline. I like, I don't know why. I think it's like, and there. Me too. I'm like, ah. I love the smell of gasoline. I like, I don't know why. I think it's like, and there's a stat on it that like, it's a certain portion of the population likes it because it triggers,

it has a, there's a receptor in your brain that like really enjoys it. Not everyone, there's a lot of people, it's like. Do you have Scotch-Irish ancestry? Irish, I mean, I'm Irish-Irish-Irish. I'm pure, I don't know if there's any Scots in there. Do you know how you came over? Do you know where you came through? I think Irish, Irish, Irish. I'm pure. I don't know if there's any Scots in there. Do you know how you came over? Do you know where you came through? I think my grandfather probably swam.

I feel like he was a swimmer. No, honestly, I have no idea. But I mean, what do you mean? Because a lot of Scotch-Irish came through coal mining in West Virginia, and maybe there's some kind of ancestral. No, I think we were, well, you know, I'm Chicago. We all came to Chicago. They went through Ellis to Chicago.

But I think they were all, I mean, we were all day laborers. Yeah. Which is why my grandfather was a firefighter. He might have been working in oil or something. Yeah, we were day laborers. So they were just doing, I mean, they put probably- They had to fight the fires from putting gasoline and- That's what it is.

Jerking off with gasoline while smoking. Yeah. Light it up, Jim. Dude, I mean, yeah, there's certain smells that just, gasoline, I can't. Do you like paint? I don't think I've been around it a ton. I love wet paint. I was never a paint chips kid.

No, I never wanted to consume them, but I love the smell of wet paint in a room. It just feels clean to me. Yeah. Fresh grass. Yeah. Oh, my God. Not bad. For me, it's such a bad. Not bad.

That's peak shit. What is your childhood peak smell? Remember those markers that smelled like cherry and strawberry? Marty there. I knew exactly where you were going to go. Yeah. I know. I remember those.

I was always sniffing. Sharpies. I like Sharpies. See, Sharpies, I don't. The Sharpies kind of like a, it feels like a dull or a blunt smell. Well, there's one that's like metal. Yeah. That's like a harder one.

Yeah. That's like, that's got like a harder one. That's got like a Gumby head with the slant. It's like not Sharpie. It's another brand that's a little more hardcore that maybe like construction work uses or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the smell is stronger. What's the name of the markers that smelled

good when we were kids? I like this game. The markers with flavored markers. I actually weirdly just saw something about this on Instagram Hold on wait look by the way now you're gonna get sold these all the time. Look mr. Sketch mr. Sketch Mr. Sketch, that's exactly right. There was a grape and orange and every non-toxic lol I actually liked crayons too. Is it crowns? What are we calling them crayons? Well, I always said crayon I said because I said it how they

spelled it. Crayon. Did you also call the beige one flesh or nude? Like a racist? Nude. Yeah, nude. Yeah, but nude. What did you call it? White? Supreme. Caucasian. Oh, you called it Supreme. I called it the best crayon. Oh, yeah.

The only crayon there is. No, because remember- Why are all the black crayon. Oh, yeah. Crayon. The only crayon there is. No, because remember- Why are all the black crayons broken in Whitney's box? They're all snapped in half. Anything that's brown in tone. Because I put it all over my face for my impressions in nursery school. No, but there was this whole thing because it was weird that the beige one was called nude. Yeah, it was called nude.

As in, that's the only one. Right. And then remember when band-aids didn't come in black or any other colors? I remember. My black friends would just have like a new, like a fucking whatever white band-aid on. But much like the N-word, they took it and they made it their own. Like Nelly with the band-aid on his face. Remember that?

He put a band-aid under his eyeball and he like made it his own because it was annoying and it stood out and it became like kind of an iconic look at that but was it from shaving? yeah well I think it's I think he had a teardrop tattoo and got it covered up

oh but aren't those usually a little bit higher? yeah that's why he covered it up he was embarrassed at how low it was on his cheek it's a shitty tattoo artist why did he do

at first it was a cover up an injury he received playing basketball after he healed he kept wearing it in honor of the saint lunatic Lavelle Webb, who collaborated him on the song, If You Wanna Go and Take a Ride With Me.

What a song. The amount of times I smoked pot in a Honda Civic to that car is uncountable. Wait, you smoked a Honda Civic to the car? Everybody I knew had a Honda Civic. But wait, didn't he just invert the sentence? What? The amount of times i

smoked pot in a honda civic to that no that's not how he said it the amount of times i've smoked a car in a honda pot the amount of honda pots i've smoked while nelly listening to me you in the morning your brain moves so fucking fast it's too it's only because uh i wake up out of a sheer panic that uh is that how you wake up yeah i wake up i go as i'm drinking i'm sorry buddy frank did not like that how do you do sleep on your side do you sleep on your back well because of my back injury i've started i've i've been told to i have a wedge i'm a i'm a fucking old man now. That's the worst. Have you seen this? These bed wedges? I sleep with the wedge with my legs up like a fucking loser. The most unfuckable guy. That's what I sleep.

I sleep with a wedge under my legs. You have to understand, I'm now dating with stuff like this. And I'm kind of like, I have a pillow that it's like a U that I get in. It's like a horseshoe that goes oh wow because i have to well i mean when you're pregnant you kind of have to and then i've got my this thing called a sleep crown which is like a pillow i do underneath i've got all this shit i'm like i really can never show a man this well if somebody comes over where you leave that stuff out you're not hiding that i know but then i'm not gonna be able to sleep that is so dope it's incredible

it's called the maya's U-shaped pregnancy body pillow. That's incredible. It has changed my life. My shoulders are better. My back is better. But I'll be single forever. See, I want to buy this just for me. I don't think this has to do with pregnancy.

This is just for me. No, no, no. I'll stay with it. I'll stay with it. The Invisalign goes in. I'm like, how am I ever going to do this with a guy? Your sleep apnea machine, your Invisalign. My dream catcher.

Yeah, your dream catcher is rotating above your head I have four dogs I mean it's a whole thing imagine Frank walks in the room and he sees you like that and just eye shrugs and walks back out there are times

Frank will look at me like mom he just did that to him he walked in I asked him a question and he looked at McCone like these guys are a little annoying

I do like when dogs are like visibly annoyed at you I don't know if your dogs will do it I mean a lot annoyed I do like when dogs are like visibly annoyed at you I don't know if your dogs will do I mean a lot of dogs do it but I love it so much That is literally what I was going to say My favorite thing is when I go Hey Cubs, Cubs, Cubs come on

Do you want to go for a walk? Cubs come on let's go And then she'll turn to me and just go And then put her head right back down And she's going I got to take my dad for a walk Yeah I got to pull this idiot around town For another 20 minutes while he yells on his AirPods about podcast advertising.

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slash whiskey to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain ginger I like gingers do you have tattoos? no

I have zero tattoos you know why? why? because I I got one on my back when I was young and I'm embarrassed but you have one

I got it removed it was a swastika and I was like I can't have that on my body forever. No, I have no tattoos. I've never gotten a tattoo because I went to go to get a tattoo twice in college and I bailed. Because it was going to be like a Chicago Bulls. It would be a Chicago thing.

Yeah, it would. It'd be a flag of Chicago or something symbolic of home. But every time I saw someone. What's the flag of Chicago? It's actually beautiful. It's Wastika? That's my hometown flag. No, that's it.

It's actually beautiful. Oh, that's stunning. Oh, that's cool. No, it's a great- But Chicago, something Chicago, but I've seen over the years, like, look up, do Chicago tattoos, and then you see how many of them are so bad.

There's times that I'm like, why don't I live in Chicago? Every time I go there, I'm like, why don't I live here? Listen for it. Close your eyes. I'll tell you why. Close your eyes. Okay.

It's the only way I can come. Yeah. You're coming right now. I know. Okay. Yeah. That's the. Oh, whoa.

But see how crooked it is? That's the L. That's the train line. You can't have stretch marks when you do it, though. Good luck. As we get older, good luck. I mean, look at the. But this is my point. I like the idea, but then I think I'm gonna have these I just keep it in my heart

Like that look at how bad that Chicago theaters. That's so bad. Okay. Well, okay. Okay, that's I'm telling you dude. No look amazing artists that do good ones Yeah But every time I see one that I think I might want also It could also just be like a simple just state of Illinois with the star at Chicago. No. Everyone does. That's a thing. Oh, really?

And this guy says, fuck Trump. He has a Bulls tattoo that says, fuck Trump. What was it? Was it 96 Bulls? Were they, they were the best dream team? Well, dream team is a different thing than what you're talking about. These are two separate incidents. One of them is an Olympic team that you're speaking about.

And the other one is, Don't worry about it. I don't even want to get into it. I love when you get mad at me. The Bulls three-peated twice. But what was the Scotty Pippen, Michael... What year was that? Well, this was many years. This wasn't just one year. Well, what was... Okay, sorry, but what was... But 96,

yes, is correct. Yes, 96 Bulls, though, was the best in history, right? No. Ever? No. Of a team. I mean, it was just, it's remarkable that they won 72-10. That was what people quote. I love when you stop being a comedian because you're so pissed that I'm disrespecting this. No, no, no. It's just that, it's just they did, yes, it's one of the greatest records of a regular season

of all time. It's a 72-10 season. They won 72 games and lost 10. Where's Scottie Pippen right now? Worried about who his wife is hanging out with. Oh, really? His wife hung out with a lot of other players and other...

I think it's a really bummer story. I do think, though... But he's cashing checks. What do you mean? He's cashing fucking checks. There was a woman that was married to Eddie Murphy and then Michael Strahan and then she moved on to some other rich... Bezos' girl Sanchez

yeah they move they move through the ranks but there's something about why does a guy want that is it a competitive thing is it like oh this person's already been pre-approved

well I think that's I think that part's the latter is part of it where it's like like look up his ex-wife Lara Pippen she was dating she dated other people

other famous athletes but would you want to let's say you're single date someone who's dated four comedians? No, no, no, no. But is that kind of the same? No, because athletes, it's different.

I don't know what it is about them. Well, they're better than us. They're far better than us. But you know what? There is something of like she's good at keeping a secret. She knows where the private airports are. She knows how to- She's lived a life before, so she must-

I think Jeff Bezos couldn't just marry some waitress from Katana. He did that to start his career. But then he's like, okay, this woman's been rich. She knows where Teterboro is. She knows where she knows how to get on a private plane. She knows how to, you know. She's not going to. She's not going to mispronounce yacht, you know.

Yeah. She's not going to go put us on the big boat. And they're like, you mean the yacht? She's like, yacht? When are we getting on the yacht, Jeff? It's like, oh, fuck. Don't worry about it. Well, like, yeah, there is something about wealth culture that they probably want.

They probably want somebody who's accustomed to wealth culture because you don't want to have to teach someone. You know what that is? That's like, I'm sure dating for you now, there's things that you're like, I don't want to have to teach someone you know you know that is that's like date it's like i'm sure dating for you now there's things that you're like i don't want to have to go through this so i'll make sure i don't see this kind of guy anymore you i'm sure are looking for people for your future to date that you don't have to do the dance with as much where you're like i don't want to have to fucking go through a yes this is the i the comedy introduced to everyone of the comedy well you want my main thing is do you have tsa pre-check do you have tsa that's pretty much all i can and can we admit it clear is a scam

clear is a scam you're giving your eyeball to china are you insane yeah but that's the same thing i feel about people that did 23 and me I'm like what? You just sent your blood to a lab that you don't what the fuck are you doing? I know You think they didn't keep some of that? The fact that they're like

no they just get rid of it it's like do they just get rid of it? No no no because then they're like hey this is going to help us solve crimes and you're like

I guess I should get my blood and then it's like wait my uncle for sure killed someone I like they everyone in my family Dude I'm Italian and Irish you're not getting my blood.

Someone will go to prison if you get my blood and my family. It's still in the cobblestones in Chicago from the 20s if you want to find it. We've been looking for the match. It's some moron in LA. You know what I'm realizing is your, your wife is same age. Yeah. Basically, same age. I'm realizing the most important thing to me is shared references and the shortcut of being able to go you remember like it's like that scene in Raising Arizona

where the person's like oh yeah like that's all you have to say do you know well he knows it because he's a film buff but that doesn't count but I bet you a lot of people

in your age range don't know that movie by the way you've named my you know that is my favorite film really? that's one of my literal favorite films of all time

Raising Arizona is so good you hate sand? it's because it's Coen Brothers to me at their trickiest and finest of like comedy meets really dark shit.

I mean for people that don't know they fucking it's Holly Hunter wait. I love her voice and John Goodman of course. They live in the middle of nowhere in Arizona and they can't get pregnant, and so they decide to steal a baby. It's like maybe one of the greatest pitches

that you're like, wow, how can you make this really funny? They do it so gracefully. It's just such a fucking taupe. The scenery's always like taupe and blank, and it's like, ugh, it's so good. Imagine going on a date with someone that hasn't seen that movie. See, I'd leave the date.

I'm going to go to the bathroom and just get in my car and leave. There was something about me where I always dated older or younger. Because that's just who hit on me. You never got the... I kind of never dated someone my exact age. You've never done this your whole life? Truly my whole life. Wow.

And I just started hanging out with someone who's my exact age. And it would just, we'll say some dumb shit. And I'd be like, oh, God. And I'd be like, what if one of us? Oh, that's really good. And we're like, we'll just laugh. And I'm just like, wait. What if God was a...

And I'm like, holy shit. I didn't realize how fun that was. Because I'm always either going, who are Hall and Oates? Or I'm going like, okay, Eve was in the Rough Rider. She was the first rap. Like, you have to understand. I'm either like educating someone or like fucking who's Jimmy Buffett? I thought he like was the own Fox.

Like, what? I thought he died a decade ago, by the way. When he just died, I'm not being mean. I thought he was dead. I'm either like Googling under the table to try to figure out what the fucking older guy is saying. Or I'm like having to explain you know Larry Sanders show to some kid that's so funny yeah no I think it's

important to have like reference but also we grew up so differently so that's what's funny is like the things that I kind of loved she didn't have reference to because they grew up no cable they grew up country people so she knows referential stuff like cable stuff.

But I'll say stuff where I'm like, you've never seen, you never saw Are You Afraid of the Dark? Like you never saw. Oh, weird. And she was like, I mean, I know of it. And she's like, I've seen it in like since. Yeah. But no, I didn't have it when I was a kid. I was like, salute your shorts.

Like you didn't have any of that Nickelodeon in your brain that you've seen. Whoa. As you got, especially because I had a younger, younger sister. So I also watched. Interesting. Because I had a younger younger sister so I also watched interesting because I had an older older brother so I was watching

Tales from the Crypt when I was like six love Tales from the Crypt so good I was watching the gnarliest shit so young by the way

you know the Crypt Keeper that from Tales from the Crypt he's killing it now he's got a whole show on Kill Tony he has like a whole show oh that's wild but there was another

oh you're joking oh sorry fuck you I'm saying Tony Hitchcliffe is a Crypt Keeper oh Oh, that's wild. But there was another- Oh, you're joking? Oh, sorry. Fuck you. I'm saying Tony Hitchcliff is a Crypt Keeper. Oh, I hate you. I'm teasing. Oh, I was like, he's a guest on Kill Tony, I'm sure. Yeah, he's been killing it.

He's been killing it. Uh, uh, uh, wait. But there's Tales from the Dark Side, too. Remember Tales from the Dark Side? No, how come I didn't look that up? What? Why don't I know that? Tales from the Dark Side,

it was like these little vignettes, and there was one where a cat just followed this man around for like 20 minutes, and he's like running away from it. Oh I do remember this. The cat crawls into his mouth and kills him. I do remember this. Shit like that. God you know what just reminded me of was Pet Cemetery. Remember how great Pet Cemetery was? Oh genius. Was that John Carpenter Pet Cemetery? Oh this is the cat killing right? Killing the people and then is this the one where there was a big blob in the lake and all these like young people were like swimming in the lake and the blob would kill them? in in like the 90s this is the cat in the 90s whenever they had

to animal attack a human it was done so poorly oh the animatronics were so far off that scared the shit out of me back then that that that uh have you watched like old old movies recently like i watched um like my cousin was in town and i was like, you haven't seen Labyrinth? We got to watch Labyrinth. You haven't seen Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? Oh, Labyrinth's my favorite. Number one. And by the way, go back and watch Labyrinth.

All the cheat codes for life are in Labyrinth. Yeah, I haven't seen it in such a long time. I feel like I should go back and watch it. Metaphor, metaphor, wisdom, wisdom. But Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, you're like, that's just like construction paper. Like, it is so, you see like. It's done so poorly. You see staples?

Yeah. It's fucking wild. I do kind of like when you see how lazy things get sometimes. Well, also, everyone was on drugs. Yeah. I'm like, when this was made, like, we've been on TV shows where like everyone was on fucking drugs when they made this. And so no one's doing the background check to make sure. Like, there was a scene, a famous scene in Pee Wee Herman's Playhouse.

Oh. In Pee Wee Herman, Pee Wee Herman's playhouse Oh and Pee Wee Herman Pee Wee Herman's big adventure Sorry, Pee Wee Herman's big adventure the movie where he's pulling a bike chain through the bike and they framed it wrong You can see the bottom of the chain coming through the bottom of the bike Go to images. I remember this scene. By the way shout out to Ronan Hirschberg who has a really funny joke about me, too He's like I think we can all agree we owe Pee Wee Herman an apology Big time. Like he went to a theater like a gentleman. Look I see the chain coming through the bottom joke about me too he's like i think we can all agree we owe pb herman an apology big time like he went to a theater like a gentleman look and see the chain coming through the bottom but it was deliberate right like i think initially they said it wasn't going to be

deliberate and then it obviously was but what a good bit that they show the bottom of the chain coming through even though you're like i remember as a kid not noticing it i didn't know then they framed it like right there interesting did you ever see the Will Ferrell movie, the Spanish one, something Mama Tambien? I'm mixing up the T to Mama Tambien. No, but I just found out you don't speak Spanish. No, but I'm trying to. The baby's Spanish, right? The baby will be Spanish.

Babble, promo code Whitney. Dude, yeah. Casa de mi padre, yes. Dude, it's so funny. It's all continuity mistakes. That's like the whole movie. So he'll be like having a drink with a girl and he'll be like drinking a shot and they cut back to him and he'll have like a drink with an umbrella and they'll come back and

have a beer. It's so stupid. Oh, that's so good. Will you just look up that with tiger attack? Like that movie. How come I've never, I mean, I feel like I remember when it came out, but I just didn't, it just didn't get me. Oh, watch this.

This is him getting attacked by a tiger. Wait. It's a wolf? Wait. And, oh, there's, oh. Hold on. It's, it's just fucking bonkers. Well, there's a point where, oh, this is, I think, maybe the beginning, but he gets attacked by a tiger, and it's just like a giant stuffed animal.

This is the beginning. Oh, here it is. It's so fucking stupid. Like, it's just the dumbest shit ever. Like, they were just, like, goofing off. But I do think that this, and it speaks. Oh, yeah. Whenever they're, yeah.

It's just, like, the dumbest. Like, it's just such a fucking good movie. But I feel like it kind of fell through the cracks for some reason. Yeah, because I think it's probably, like, a little subversive and a little too goofy. And I think a lot of people want, so well done. I think people like people, whether we like it or not,

people like more like, uh, of a conclusion. I can go. They're like, I want to see it. I want to see beginning, middle and end fast and furious.

Oh my God. I've watched all 19 of them. Have you ever seen a fast and furious? No, I'm actually dying to, they're so good. I feel like having a kid, I'm like, I have a list of things

I want to catch up on because I have started watching it in chunks on the internet and Tyrese flying a car through space. I'm like, I'm so fucking in. It's the greatest thing I've ever seen in my entire life. Dude, I did James Corden with Tyrese once.

He showed up in a full like burqa. He had just been in Saudi Arabia and he was in a full burqa. He had just been in Saudi Arabia, and he was in a full burqa. And the interview got so awkward because he just was like, yeah, and I have a Benihana in my house. A Benihana in my house? He had, Tyrese had a,

when you look up Tyrese, Benihana, but now apparently he's broke. Did you see that he sued Home Depot for racial discrimination? How could he be broke? He's made so much. He had a Benihana. And a Starbucks in his home.

And then now he's saying he's broke. What? Well, then we just, you just showed me why. He bought a fucking hibachi restaurant in his house. He has a Benihana in his home. And he owns Aziz Ansari now. He bought Aziz. So he bought Aziz. He paid off all of Aziz's legal bills as he owns Aziz Ansari now he bought Aziz he paid off all Aziz's legal bills

he bought Aziz he's like yo it's me Tyrese I bought Aziz he added Aziz to cart Tyrese bought me out and then he had a Starbucks at his house but apparently now he's kind of struggling for money I don't know well first of all he made an absurd amount of money on those movies. I agree. Tell me this will go broke after being ordered to pay $636,000. Best Fury Star

takes a dig at XY losing child custody battle. This is 2023. This just happened. Wow, what a fun... That's sad. Also, one time, but someone's making money

on those movies. I was looking at a house one time in Encino and I was with someone else at the time, so we were going to split the cost. This was a very expensive house. Um,

and, uh, tell me how much the house was. It was like $4 million. It's a lot of money. That is a lot of money. It was a lot of, but it was like this huge,

it's Encino. So it was a huge pool, fountains, the whole thing. Yeah. And, um, I go in to look at it and I'm like,

this is incredible. Like this is like, this is the most beautiful house I've ever seen. And I'm like, who owns this house? And they went, oh, Vin Diesel. And I was like, oh my God, that makes sense. Vin Diesel lived, this is like, this is the most beautiful house I've ever seen. I'm like, who owns this house? And they went, oh, Vin Diesel. And I was like,

oh my God, that makes sense. Vin Diesel lived here. And like, well, no, this is for his mistress. Oh my God, that's amazing.

This is Vin Diesel's like, this is Vin's cabin. Yeah, this is one of his swing by houses. It's amazing to think

how much money, like Mark Wahlberg, they put up a house that he just sold. Yeah, tons. And it was like 40 million. And I was like, he's think how much money, like Mark Wahlberg, they put up a house that he just sold. Yeah, tons. And it was like $40 million. And I was like, he's got that much money? Yeah.

Some guys have that much money where you're like, that's... But he's got something, a water or some shit. $55 million, dude. But he's got a thing. He's got a... His movies did really well for a while, but he's got some business. It's not the hamburger business. No, the Wahlburgers?

It's never movies and acting. It's always some other side hustle. No, he produces a lot of stuff. Producing is not, unless you have like back end. He does. Can you do Mark Wahlberg brand deal or brands? I do think if you go to China, he is posing with a watch on most buildings. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know when you go to another country and you're like, oh, this is where George Clooney gets the Lake Como money. Right. He's like holding up a gin or something. He also, no, he sold a tequila company

for a billion dollars. Well, yes, Costa Migos. I just mean George Clooney's a bad example. But Brad Pitt is all over Asia with some, like, swatch. Wahlburgers, unrealistic ideas of scripted production company.

Closest to the hole is a production company. Aquahydrate, performance inspired. I see what you're talking about. His auto group. the hole is a production company. Aquahydrate. Performance inspired. I see what you're talking about. His auto group. He's got a bunch of businesses. Like the,

what's the rock show that was on HBO? What sportsman? Wait, what is it? Ballers. Like he was like a producer on that and shit like that. But that's not like big money.

Yeah, Entourage was his show too. He did like, you know, like Will Arnett has tons of money from just being the voice of Chevy. Like sometimes it's like like that but that's not like big yeah entourage was his show too he did like you know like will arnett has tons of money from just being the voice of chevy like sometimes it's like a voiceover thing yeah start his own clothing line you know municipal right that's his clothing like how much does okay so mark walberg has i just want to know what thanksgiving is like 400 million dollars okay so tell me but uh what's the other walberg's name? Donnie? Donnie. Like Donnie Wahlberg, the one married to Jenny McCarthy.

Yeah. Well, he's rich spiritually, obviously. At least he's got that spiritual wealth. Like how awkward is this Thanksgiving? 25 million. That's great. Yeah. That's a lot of money.

Your voice just went up pretty fast. That's great. Whoa, just went through puberty on that one. You imagine the gift of Mark Wahlberg buys Donnie Wahlberg a private jet. Also, how do you feel- And he gets him just like a new TV. How do you feel about the Lord?

Mark Wahlberg's super down with the Lord. Maybe that's his will. He's a big Lord. I mean, well, where the money truly comes from is always the Lord. Money comes from the Lord. Does your hip hurt? Are you staggering a little bit?

He's mocking you. Are you mocking me? He's like, do you have a wedge I can sleep on? You want to sleep with my wedge at night, buddy? Frank's come up with, how much money do you think Mark Wahlberg makes because of the Lord?

Because here's what I'll say, Chris Pratt. Lord. Lord. Lort. Lort. Mark Wahlberg. Lort.

Kevin Hart, probably. Is that racist? Yeah. It is, and I love it. Kevin Hart, probably, she says right away. I'm just thinking of the most successful people. Like, I feel like I've seen him thank God.

Yeah, see? He's talked about it. Well, you gotta thank God. I've seen him talk about God quite a bit. Like, maybe there's a correlation. Have you ever thanked God? Oh, dude, I'm down with the Lord, dude. Well, don't do that.

That's not Lord. This is not. What are you, Beavis and Butthead? What is it? I'm down with the Lord, dude. Well, don't do that. I'm hardcore with the Lord. I'm down with the Lord, dude. Dude, I'm fully like... You are wearing a cross on your neck. I'm wearing a crucifix, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And a... A Ukrainian flag and a Russian sickle. Man, you've got them all. And an Israeli star. Like, who do I need to be today? Right, you need to pick. To make people in Hollywood like me. No, well, because I'm in a 12-step program,

and so we do, we say higher power. We say God. You say higher power. You don't say God. I'll say God just because, who cares? It's so funny.

God stands for good orderly direction. It just means you're not God. It's like just about surrendering and just being like, Is that really what God stands for? It was like, God is dog backwards.

Is that really what God stands for? Good orderly direction? No, in the program. We just say God, you know, it's just good orderly direction. What does God mean? Why was God? What is God? I don't know.

No, dude. Yahweh. How is that God? Easy, Minnesota. And then I have another question for you. I like the idea that you and I, I feel very close to you. I feel like we've become better friends. Yes. As time goes on. Yes. But I also kind feel very close to you. I feel like we've become better friends. Yes.

As time goes on. Yes. But I also kind of know nothing about you. Mm-hmm. Which is my favorite thing about being a comedian is you can feel so close to someone and be like, so where are you from? Yeah, because it's almost like the English word God, by the way, comes from Old English. God. Gouda.

Proto-Germanic gouda. It's another word, Germanic languages. Gouda. Yeah, it all goes back toouda. It's another word, Germanic languages, goudas, gothic. Yeah, it all goes back to the Norsemen. Yeah, the Norsemen. And the old Dutch proto-Germanic meaning

of gouda etymology is uncertain. I love when we just don't know where a thing comes from. That's one of my favorites. But also, they don't seem to know either. I mean, that was pretty vague.

No, that's what I mean. I love when etymology goes, we don't really know. I'm not sure. What's the difference between etymology and etiology? Two completely different things, literally. Etymology means like the root.

No, I know because mot is word, but I sometimes conflate them. Etiology means the origin of something else. No. Etymology. I love slow Jamie over here. Yeah, yeah. They call him Slammy. Slammy.

I love extra chromosome Jamie. It's a study of the word. Entomology. In studymy. I love extra chromosome, Jamie. It's a study of the word. Entomology. In study of insects. Insects, yeah. Etymology. Okay, got it. Okay.

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I like gingers. And if you were Andrew Jackson, you'd be turned on by that because of these mice that you've got captured in your room. No,

that was Andrew Johnson, but Andrew Jackson, did he turned on by that because of these mice that you've got captured in your room. No, it was Andrew Johnson. But Andrew Jackson, did he really get his hand shot off? Andrew Jackson? Yeah. Yeah, Andrew Jackson. Why can't we bring back dueling? When you got beef with someone at the comedy store, shouldn't you be like, let's go out front and shoot each other? Leslie Jones does it, I think so. I mean, you're the one with golf clubs in your car.

I think it would have to be you and Leslie. I'm so down. Yeah, I think he got his hand shot. Something happens. I don't know if it's that I'm pregnant or that I turned 40. You just, something happens where you get obsessed with American history and Hitler. That's because you're Republican again. Is that what it is?

Yeah. You went through the phases of being a hardcore lib, then a repub, then a lib. And then Hollywood shuts down. I'm like, I can be myself again. Yeah, finally. Oh, thank God. I don't want them in my neighborhood. As you can tell, I am pro-life now.

Yeah, big time. Big time. If I kept this baby, I must be pretty far away. You have a tattoo of a gun on your stomach. I fucked a gun. That's how they shot up the club. But yeah, I think he lost his hand. Something happened.

In a duel. What is getting 40? Has it felt? Hmm. What did it do to me? I think it made me more aware of who I don't need to talk to anymore. Love it. There's people that I kind of, I just said this last night at a dinner with a friend. I said.

Can I just really quick? I love how comics were so, we have such Tourette's with honesty. No one would have cared that you said it last night. Yeah. But half of podcasts is us going, you know, I was just talking to someone about this. So, this. Why can't I just say, like, the audience is gonna

know you repeated... I need them to know that I was talking to someone about it. Yeah, or like, I used to do a joke about this, but, like, no one's accusing you. Yeah. But I need references. They need referential ideology for what just happened. You need to know that I've spoken about this before to make me feel comfortable. We all do that, and it's like a tick.

I know. It is a weird tick, but I did. I said it last night. Because we feel like hacks if we say the same thing twice, even if it's a different audience, I think. Right, because you go, I feel really bad. I've told someone this, but I should tell everybody that I've told somebody this because I don't want them to think that I'm pretending it's my first time saying it. Or if the person you were with last night hears this. Yeah he goes he said that to me last night. So you're doing it for one person.

Why is he doing it on the podcast? But I said I don't know if I there's certain people that I just figured out if we need to be in each other's lives anymore. You know there's a phrase that I've that my wife has said to me for years is always like if you met that person, would you still be friends with them?

Which I think is always a really true statement. If you met, if you, whoever your friend is now, if you name your friendships, if you met them today and not back from that, would you still be friends with them? I do think there's something to be said for people that knew us before we do what we do. Yeah. Not a ton of, like, I have this one girlfriend from college, knew me before everything. And the more known I get, the more tight i get with her yeah because she knows because you would still be friends with her today because you know that her values or whatever it is match with you

guys matched in a deeper fashion versus people i used to just smoke weed with 15 years ago it's like she also needs nothing from me she has no predatory energy because it's like i think people and not to flatter myself or you uh but people they don't even know they're they want something from you oh yeah it's just natural it's like desperate people do desperate shit and it's weird because i think once you realize like oh i can provide things for people like i'm a source of employment like i can help people yeah you can change someone's life. Yeah, they don't, they might not even know that they're trying to be near you for that reason. But I think I've just gotten more in tune to it. And not that there's anything wrong with it.

It's like I, we've worked really hard to get here. But there's just a predatory energy. You just have to constantly like be on high alert and being around somebody that just wants nothing from you. You sniff it out as you get older, a little bit easier. People that are genuine in their approach with your relationship, that they want to just hang with you and they like you or people that, you know, are kind of fishing for something. I don't even know what it is. It doesn't have to be like a monetary exchange, not like, but sometimes people, you know,

are just into you because they think that something will come because of it. Yeah. Yeah. Interesting. It feels or just proximity to you elevates them in some way. For sure. It's subconscious, you know? No, for sure.

It's like, I want to be near dogs. I want to be near... Like, it's things that some people just, like, gravitate towards authority figures or they think they have to be unctuous with you and I just want to go like,

oh, you don't have to do that. You don't have to do that. Yeah, yeah. And they're like, okay. You know, something... I don't know. It's hard to explain, but also it's like,

I really like having people in my life that I hate on people. Like, I like people that call me on my shit everyone on YouTube and Instagram does that I have I'm friends with Tim Dillon and you I'm fine on that shit um but I you know but someone that can just give you perspective because that sometimes I'll over pathologize myself in relationships I'll be like am I doing this thing where I like shut down and I'm afraid of intimacy and it's maybe it's because I'm scared because I'm a public figure. She's like, you always have done this.

Yeah. She's like, you've always fucking- That's been you since before you were a figure. This is always you. Yeah, like it's nice to have someone just be like, stop. That's just- Well, because your idea of who you are changes so dramatically as time gets older.

Because I think the, Jim Carrey had this whole speech that I thought was pretty wild about, he's been playing a character. Even Jim Carrey is a character, which I thought was a really cool way of framing our own reality where he's like I'm I played a character my whole life but also Jim Carrey is a character me the person me is a character based on what I think other people might enjoy is he still trying to get out of that Evan Stone video he's in it

no I have no idea still still trying to get off the hook for that. It's always been a character until the day after that video. I think what he's saying in a very beautiful way is that we're all ever-changing, and we all kind of—I don't think you really figure out who you are truly until much, much, much later in life. This is part of why after I shoot a special, I'll take a couple months off from doing stand-up. Because I'm like, I don't want to just keep doing a bad impression of who I was two years ago.

That's exactly what he's saying. It's like you're kind of emulating the version of you that you kind of like the most. And you want to present the most. And it's working. And then you got to do like a software update. You have to go like, do I still believe that? Do I still think that? Do I still need to talk at that volume?

Do I still need to be defensive and negative? Right. Can I do a hard reboot and then see? You know when you get a new phone and it's like, transfer from your old phone or start from scratch? I always start from scratch. Whoa. I never transfer from the old phone.

Because I would like to find new... I don't want the old phone to tell me the way I've always been doing it. Like, beyond the contacts. I'm saying like, the apps and and all that shit I'm like mmm do I use any of these fucking apps there's probably four pages on my phone I've never looked at it's so true so I like the restart from zero cuz then I need to unsubscribe from the apps too I just found out that I mean was paying $700 a month in what subscription Oh from just signing up and getting a PT GPT. I got some hiking app. Like, the meditation app.

Like, you know everyone is going to lose their shit when they find out. You know that everyone online was doing my high school AI photos? I did not do that. That, to me, is crazier than clear. No, no, but everyone was doing this. And I bet you my life, everyone that signed up, because I looked at it, it was like $5.99. I was still paying for hipstamatic. I bet you that's monthly.

I was still paying for Hipstamatic Hipstamatic? yes it was like 50 years ago yeah the photos are actually old they sepia

it was to make photos look old do you know what I mean and then Instagram finally was like alright we'll just internally put that in there Hipstamatic

Hipstamatic and probably a hundred bucks a month I was $700 a month I was paying and just like app bullshit. You know how funny it is when they have a meeting

with the board members, they're like, look, we're going to bankrupt the company. We're not making any more money. This app is dead. And they're like, we do have a woman in Los Angeles who is paying our fucking water bill. It's pretty impressive. It's this lady.

She just doesn't cancel anything. I know, you know that these companies, there has to be, we got an offer, I should be vague. We got an offer for somebody to buy a piece of our analytics. Right? I'm going to be super vague about it.

Okay. But I'll tell you after. They offered us a certain amount of money to buy- Like the data of your fans. Of the podcast. Sure. And they wanted X amount of years

and they wanted X amount of data. It was the FBI. They wanted to investigate. Yes. Yes. Yeah. It was Jamie, it was Comey. But it was like, I was like, why do they want the data? And they were

being really vague and really weird about it. But they flashed a number of money at us thinking like, come on, dude. It's free money. You don't have to change anything. And spill it on the carpet. Spill it on the carpet. Okay. Apparently Whitney doesn't know how to open up Olipop.

No. Were you shaking that for an hour before you showed up here? No, but this has been sitting here for truly 40 minutes. And it's still busted. I thought I was out of the woods on this. Grab some napkins. I really thought I was out of the woods on that. I mean, do you...

That makes... Do you just have like a fridge at home that shakes stuff? That makes no sense. I don't... I'm so sorry. This is, side note, this is, by the way, how you, how you, how you're like Bobby. He always has seven beverages at once. I know.

He likes coffee and juice and tea. Yeah, but mine aren't full of kratom. Yeah, yours are all kratom, you're kratom based. You're a ketamine based. You're on a ketamine based drink diet. I did ketamine. Okay, can we please? Okay.

You did ketamine for like a solid, what? Couple of months? No. Uh, I did. No, but I should, my mistake was talking about it. I did the, um, I've never done straight ketamine. I've only done the, it's an oxytocin ketamine nasal spray. You do it with a therapist. It was prescribed. It's prescribed, yeah. You do it with a doctor. And it lasts for like, I don't know, 45 minutes to three months. And you do it with a doctor.

And it was like during the pandemic and I wasn't driving and people were coming to my house. Didn't matter. I would like give it to people. I mean, I was like sharing it with people. It was so life-changing in that I started forgiving. I didn't realize how many I mean I was like sharing it with people it was so life-changing

and that I started forgiving I didn't realize how many resentments I was carrying around to like Gersh agents and like you know and just it was you know so I did it for a couple months and I I guess made the mistake of telling everybody about it you did tell everybody and then having my personality and I had blue hair so it it felt it was such a fun time for me but here's can I tell you something? I had a first... You ruined a first date at my house. What? Like, two weeks ago.

First of all, you ruined part of my vision because I got soap in my eye from your fucking goofball soap dispenser. Can I leave a voice memo and see if he responds? Yeah, please. Wait, I ruined a first date because he wanted... I'm in a podcast right now with Andrew Santino, and remember when you were at my house

and it was getting late and I told you the story about him squirting soap in his eye and I couldn't stop laughing. I was laughing so hysterically. And you were like, all right, well, I think I'm gonna head out. And I was crying, laughing in the kitchen.

Do you remember this? I ruined my vision partially at your home. So wait, you told this story to a man I was on a first date This guy comes to my house Comes to my house And I'm like kind of tired And a little bit like slab happy

And he was like washing his hands And every time someone goes to sing I'm like Cause it's like I'm always like be careful I got rid of the soap dispenser So Dr. Bronner's is this like all natural soap. All natural my ass. It's supposed to have no chemicals.

And it had like congealed on the tip. Also, why were you washing your hands? That's the bigger question. What a weird. Because your friend had COVID. You brought someone with COVID. I brought someone with COVID. That's why I'm washing my hands.

I was washing my hands because we just ate. I just picked up finger foods that you had out. I just ate and I said, something got on my hands. I said, I'm going'm washing my hands. I was washing my hands because we just ate. I just picked up finger foods that you had out. I just ate and I said, something got on my hands. I said, I'm going to wash my hands. What do you mean? It's not weird to wash your fucking hands, Whitney. I tell you, he just hits the soap dispenser. I put one hand down.

She's making it sound like I'm like, soap, soap, soap. No, I put one hand down and I went to squirt and I looked the other way. And it shot me clean in the fucking eye. You must have come on a lot of women's faces. It was the greatest. Yeah, it was. 20s for karma. Karmatic soap revolution. And I soap went into my eyeball, not near it, in my eye.

Dude, I've had this shit get in my eye before. It is like propane, dude. It burned. It burned and fucked up my vision for literally a full day a calendar day i went home i was swollen and crying and my eye was twitching i was living it's i know how much as soon as it happened i was like i know how much that hurts because i've used it before and everybody was like what's wrong with you dude and i'm I'm like, and I was bawling. It hurts so fucking much. No, but there's no other,

it made me believe in God because there's no other, there's no way it could have gone. In your, yeah. You could have, the best stunt people in Hollywood choreographed this for months. Could have never done it.

Could have never done it. He's also like 10 feet tall. Like how did he even go up? It's the, it's here. It was brilliant. How did it get here? I mean, also, and of course, done it he's also like 10 feet tall like how did he even go up it's the kid that's here how it was brilliant how did it get here i mean also and of course whitney always has as fucking whitney will tell you when he always has uh you know what how do we say this famous fucking people you always

have like people of note at your house and it's a room full of famous people seeing me wash my eye out in the sink and i was like i'm fucking out of here within like 20 minutes i left i was like fuck this i'm over this and like you know how santino gets really pissed off about the dumbest shit yes imagine if he actually has a reason to be pissed off yeah it's unreal and then i couldn't stop laughing i still can't stop and then i couldn't get out of your fucking driveway because everyone's blocked their cars and i'm like half blind trying to pull out and someone that's helping is just like just turn around I'm like I can't fucking turn around there's cars everywhere and my eye is swollen and bleeding I was livid dude it was so bad and I I

called my lawyer I thought about suing you I was like can we sue Whitney every every time someone goes to wash their hands I'm like like and then I think about it and I can't stop laughing I changed my life. You had a guy over on First Date you told the story. Did you ever talk to him again? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's,

I've just sent him a voice memo about it to see if he'll respond because it was like toward the end of the night and he was going to maybe go in for like a kiss or something and he went to wash his hands and I told the story

and I was laughing so hard that he was like, I guess I'm just going to head out. I was like, no, you don't understand. It went right in his eye. He's like, I don't want to fuck a woman that's laughing.

It's not that good of a story if it's just you. It's just you come off like an asshole. Because I'm crying like I am now. There's this story and thinking about Brody Stevens at New Year's Eve 2006 or something. Him on stage in the main room bombing at 1156. Like he's supposed to ring in the New Year and he's bombing, and I just walked in and I just see him go, I will ruin your New Year!

To the audience. There's a couple things that make me laugh this hard, and that is one of them. I will ruin your New Year's. I used to love when Brody would walk up to someone and go, disrespectful! Because they would sit with their arms crossed. Negative energy! I like when you go, if you don't get me you're dumb yeah yeah yeah i like that

it's all their fault it's like well no dude also you're being super weird and subversive and they don't get you're banging a drumstick on a stool they might not understand what you're going for like i don't know if i even get it but i loved it oh i I loved it so fucking much. I don't want to get into that. It would make me sad. Can I ask you a question? I want to ask you a question. How many dudes are on your roster that are into pregnant women right now? Dude, guys are into it.

I don't know what it is. It's a big thing. Now, do certain guys want you at certain months? Like, is it more attractive at the latter half? That's interesting. Like, I'm sure there's some guys that want, you know, just in the middle. Interesting. Second trimester, you know?

Okay. Some boys are third trimester guys. Lacone's a third trimester boy. He wants some big, dude. I mean, I did watch pregnant porn. Wait, really? Yeah, just to see how this all works and if it's what happens and if it's possible and stuff. And it's kind of just the same thing.

I think it, your boobs are so much bigger. My lips get, like, I think I just, I probably, right, when a woman's ovulating, men are more attracted to them. Yeah, your pheromones are dripping. You're probably dripping with pheromones for, I imagine it's got to be to keep men around you. You know what I mean? Like, when you get pregnant, what do you respond?

Yes, but, oh. Imagine he just sends a dick pic as a response to that. Um, on pod with him now. Yeah, right? Him now telling the story. Like, guys that are dads, they're so, they know, they know what to do.

Yeah, yeah, they've been there before. They've been there, and I even was like, but, like, what about, like, because I was really worried, because I'm like, do I get a cesarean, because I don't I even was like, but like, what about like, because I was really worried because I'm like, do I get a cesarean because I don't want to like ruin things down there or whatever. And guys are like, it doesn't make a difference. It's actually kind of cool to have a different feeling.

Right. It doesn't make stretch you out like that. Are you going to get a C-section? Well, my concern was like hooking up with someone before and then after. You know what I mean? Yeah. I'm like, maybe we wait till my new equipment is, i don't want to set the bar too tight you know to the till until your new vagina is back yeah your new vagina you think you get a new one no i mean i just when you think

she's like will you put the new one on now they're like this is what are you talking about there's no like room of vaginas we switch out actually there probably is now you know what i feel like i have a sex robot if they they don't have one, I do. So, yeah. So, no. And you're also more sensitive. Everything's more sensitive. You also get very horny.

Like, oh, like what? Yes. All day long. All day long. You're juiced up right now. Yeah. The biological basis of it is like so that you can get a man to bond to you to help you raise the baby and protect you

or something yeah that makes perfect sense was kind of trying to explain it to me well that makes perfect sense listening because i well because i think you're also because you're like dr drew the gray fox gray fox gray fox because i think it's got to be that you know that this thing is coming so your body is like keep this fucking animal close yes and put out put out all of these pheromones so that this animal stays close to me to raise this thing. Yep. So it's gotta be just instinct taking over and that's why your brain is being tricked of being like

even if you might not be horny your brain's sending those signals all the time probably to be like keep it close. Yeah right. Whatever it is keep it close. To keep a man close by bonded to you who knows but also sex induces labor in the third trimester so it's also like. Trying to get it also like an orgasm could turn into labor. Wait, really? That happens?

Yeah, and DeStefano told me that swallowing cum also induces labor. So, Tim Dillon, what are you doing December 6th? I'm like, who's going to help me get this baby out? You know he will. Yeah, because DeStefano— You'd just be smoking standing to stephano uh uh his girl was like overdo her date like it was like let's try it right away labor really yeah but it makes sense though think about it it's like if you're at 40 weeks and then

you ingest semen it's probably nature's way of going we're ready for the next it's got to get out one yeah it's got to get out we gotta get a new one to duplicate nothing else yeah i know well you know what it's so funny it's like because we came from the my grandmother had 10 kids whoa and she had two i think two sets are irish twins you know what that is yeah that's me at 13 months apart is that irish yeah it's like within yeah just almost within a year whatever which blows my mind that people can have yeah born born 12 months or less apart so it's within within, yeah, just almost within a year or whatever. So right after. Which blows my mind that people can have, yeah, born 12 months or less apart. So it's within a year. Wow.

And this is a way to book fun Irish Catholic families who just didn't have access to birth control. I mean, truly, though. There's two or three of my grandmother's kids that are Irish twins. It's just right as they got, she had a kid. They're ready to have another kid. And it was probably like the first time you have sex afterwards. But if you breastfeed, apparently it takes a little bit longer. You can't breastfeed. Are you going to breastfeed? Can you breastfeed, apparently it takes a little bit longer. You can't breastfeed.

Are you going to breastfeed? Can you breastfeed? I can breastfeed. You can? Yeah. Really? Tupperware's good for babies. Microplastics can turn some gay.

I'm going to make a gay baby. Oh, right. You're going to get an autistic kid. No. I do. So if you have fake boobs, you can still breastfeed. You can? Mm-hmm.

That's such an ignorant stance it's not no I thought for sure it was my number one excuse I was like I don't know freaking breastfeed I'm like I have fake tits you're like you still can't I was like but are you going to do you want to I think I'll do the first couple weeks because that's when the colostrum comes out which is like that's all the good juice that's like yeah if um a baby has like an eye infection you just put it on their eye and it goes away. Yeah, I heard that they said that all of the stuff that's in there, colostrum, that's what it's called. That's all of their, all the like the antibodies they need to fight off disease, infection, all that shit. It's like in there.

But also, aren't we full of Roundup and chemicals? Well, you've got a booster in your left tit, don't you? You're ready to rock. So when she sucks on that thing. I got the Johnson and Johnson. I had you for work she sucks on that thing. I got the Johnson and Johnson. I had to. Oh, that's what it is. Johnson and Johnson.

That's the name of your tits. That's it. That's one of them. Johnson and Johnson. I'm feeding my baby the booster. One of the fucking wildest things is when you get pregnant and you're getting ready to have a kid, all the stuff we used as kids, you're like, you can't. Like, Johnson and Johnson baby powder. Like, no, no powder like no you can't get that near child that causes cancer

Asbestos and you know there was some settlement where they had to pay women a couple billion dollars in st. Louis for baby powder Yeah, we just talcum talcum powder Sports we put in my under I put it under my armpit even Every gym every gym you went to as a kid, it was there. And they would tell you when you got out of the shower, if you don't want to get a chafing or athletic rash or anything like that, they're like, throw some of that shit on. And then sure enough.

Covered in it. Covered. I would lace my body in that after I played basketball. Covered in it. And it was, what is it, $224 million verdict? Wow. I said $ billion same same yeah yeah those were real close same same

uh 223 million by the way I want to go back real fast because you said something that I thought was intriguing about well I did want to say something about the well no it's not I just the ketamine thing because everyone thinks I was on ketamine this past January I did have like a manic

episode um but not I had I mean ketamine. This past January, I did have, like, a manic episode. But not, I had, I mean, ketamine I only did during the pandemic, that nasal spray thing. But I did weed and microdosing those mushrooms. That's actually what got me. What do you mean? You were smoking weed and microdosing at the same time? Well, my mom had just died, and I was, like, you know, I also went off birth control, which makes you all. Loopy, yeah.

Being on it and off it, right? So that that i went off prozac i just wanted to like go off everything yeah and i was smoking weed just to like go to sleep you know but like la weed isn't i'm at hot take i feel like we need to make weed illegal again it's gotten out of control dude it's gotten out of control yeah i smoked a joint the other day to deal with some of my back pain i walked through my neighborhood and i walked my block one time and i was like i've been gone for fucking days i was like it was heavy as i got halfway around the block I was like, I've been gone for fucking days. It was heavy. As I got halfway around the block, I was like, man, I should get home. I mean, cars flipped over on the 405.

I mean, I also noticed with the audiences at the Comedy Store or just anywhere, there's like everyone's on edibles. Like there's a little delay. We had to remove a few people that got, what's that one dude got? Had a like, remember we removed him. You got him on video. He was in the EMT. Had to like get him out. He was so

fucked up. Do you remember that? He was in the elevator. Oh, thank God. Yeah, thank God you weren't there. I also think that people stay in their house and do edibles. Like, don't you feel like sunset's kind of dead these days? Yeah, it's one of those things where I think people have the convenience level is so high that people

are just ordering in and getting high and going to bed fine but you don't see the yeah foot traffic is way down i feel like i don't see people out and about as much as i used to because i think yeah people are post mating or whatever sorry people are door dashing all day long and literally not they don't have to leave if they work at home they get high at home they have their friends just come over yep yeah i don't i don't have to leave. If they work at home, they get high at home, their friends just come over. Yeah, I don't feel, that is interesting. I think the foot traffic stuff is what,

I remember foot traffic going to Melrose, like to the improv. I don't think anybody walks Melrose. I haven't seen a person walk Melrose in six years. When I take a ride out of the comedy store on a Saturday night, no traffic. Nothing. It used to be like, stop and go, stop and go.

People, I mean, House of Blues used to be there, which has gone now, but it was just like, going to, it's just Just nobody it is kind of weird It's the the culture has changed which I guess I don't know this is what it is, but people don't People that I know even they they feel like if we are gonna go out somewhere and meet up. It's gonna be a thing It's gotta be a thing. It's not just like hey, let's go grab a meal concert everyone I know is like no it has to be like an event. That's true And then we'll go out it used to be like let's go get drinks and we'll figure it out from there Nobody does that from bar to bar. Nobody I know does it anymore

I feel like I'm sure it still exists heavily, but I'm saying more and more in LA I guess yeah Maybe just I don't know but a lot of my friends I mean I know a lot of people that are trying to get off weed that are like I've just the last six months It starts you take one to ten to go to sleep, and they like, ah, it's eight 30. Let's take it. And then it's four. And you're like, let me, I'm not leaving. I'm working from home. I'll just like take one. That's what I was doing. I was like smoking weed to go to bed. And then I just started moving back. I'm like, I'm editing like whatever we're doing. Let's just start now. Like it makes us creative. And then I did the roasts, like the Burt roast and the other roasts

and all the writers comics they're doing these microdosing mushrooms in like chocolate that like these like all day you know and they're all people I like people that are funny and I'm like okay I'll try that why not dude I think mushrooms are for people that already I already have too much maybe not compassion but like emotion or something i went from i know where the scientology boats are i had scheduled a call with a maritime lawyer to find the kids on the scientology boats i started solving murders on native american reservations like i was like you were doing good for the community i saw nikki glaser was on my podcast recently and i was like

yeah so just so you know, because I'm kind of doing the apology tour with everyone going like, sorry about... Yeah, the breakdown, yeah. In January, I was just kind of manic, because my mom died, this and this. She's like, yeah, when I saw you, you were talking about the Saudis. I was like, yeah.

Saudi had just bought, put money into Amazon and Disney, and I was really worried about the stories that would be told to the next generation of kids. And, you know, I was like... Dude, you got real deep. Oh, I was like, does anyone care about the fact that the Saudis just bought golf and they're doing WWE next

and they're now trying to buy Sofia Vergara? True. It's all stuff that's, like, true, but if you start talking about it, you just sound insane. Yeah, you do. I, like, gave Theo Vaughn a beekeeper costume out of my car.

I did have bees. I was trying to keep bees and I had these beekeeper costumes and he had a bug problem. I was like, I have a beekeeper costume. Wait, you tried and you gave up keeping bees? No, I just haven't had a second. Here we go. She's been in Saudi Arabia. So if you've ever been in Saudi Arabia, what happened? The airline lost her luggage.

They're going to start buying celebrities. they're going to start buying celebrities. I mean, they're going to start buying entertainment. They put money to Amazon, William Morris. Let's go, dude. Buy me up. Dude, let's fucking go. That's kind of wild, huh? Oh, because they want her over there doing advertisements and stuff like that. Yeah, she's like an international. They just want to start buying up

celebrities, you know. Celebrities are for buying. I'm available, by the way. We're for buying. I'm available. Yeah. We're for buying tech available. Yeah. I would love. So I was the, I think the confluence of those two things. That's what really, when people are like, uh, Whitney's a little, it was that, that you then, but you're back. It doesn't feel like this is my personality. I know it's such a, and then I don't know how to convince. I'm like, this is is it It's kind of it guys Sorry

Now this is it And you're back And I'm happy that you're back And you're naming your dog Your dog Your dog after me The next dog you get You'll name after me

Can I ask you a question? And the baby will be named what? I'm not telling you Just say it Lil Saudi Wait this will be Lil Saudi Is it Lil Saudi?

The rapper? Lil Jihad Lil Saudi? Is it? Lil Saudi? Lil Saudi Lil Saudi's in the G-Hod. Lil Saudi? Is it? Lil Saudi? Lil Saudi. Lil Saudi's in the house. You know what I don't know about you?

I don't know how you proposed to your wife. How did I do it? I tried, I, nothing, I mean, it wasn't, I didn't do anything. It wasn't like, I didn't do a big event. I know people do big events. I didn't do a big event. Yeah, that's cool though. It was chill.

I sometimes think the more involved, the more like, what are you trying to prove? I feel like people like spend all this time. And then, you know what it was? Because of the world that I came from of like, you know, you did it. When I did Punk'd, when you do like a hidden camera show and you're like, set up, set up, set up, set up. And then it doesn't work. You're like, God god we should have just done it way smaller like it

when we do 50 things to make sure one thing happens it makes me it just sets you up for more shit to go wrong so whenever I see like a you know when on the internet they're always like proposal goes wrong it's like yeah because you did a thousand things to ask one question yeah helicopter pilot dies in proposal like what the

fuck just say will you fucking, will you hang with me? Yeah, yeah, why are you trying to prank your wife? It's always a prank. It's always the wife is being scared at Disneyland. It's no wonder why they don't know how to react because they're like, wait, what's going on? Like, you've duped someone. Yeah. You're like tricking them into love and they're like,

I have a friend who did, for one of my best friends, her guy looped me into like a scavenger hunt for her to find the ring. And I felt awful participating. Find the ring. It was like a scavenger. I was like, this is so brutal.

But I do think what people say is that the proposal is like the last thing the man gets to plan or something. So sometimes they go from 1958. What year are we talking about? I know. And you know what? You know why women don't need watches? Because there's a clock on the oven.

Because they have a biological one. Right, right. No, I feel like it's... And I'm also not good at planning. I'm also not good at like... I like giving someone the opportunity to like... If people are organizational and they love... Like there's a friend that's like,

if you give me the money, just give me the money and i'll plan i'll do that i like great i like that i'm always like go nuts yeah yeah yeah my love language is logistics i'll handle the logistics yeah you do that see i would just be like whitney do it and i'll take care of whatever else i need to take care of i'm just not good at it gives me anxiety being like here to here to there to there to do this to that that that i just i check out so we're comics so it's sort of like uh but that's not gonna go it's like and then it'll all change yeah i'm always gonna be pessimistic about it i'm like that's not gonna work be like no it does you're like no it's not even when something does work that i thought didn't work i still i'm trying to find a hole in

it like anything career-wise too whether like it was pretty great and i'm like yeah i don't know it's okay and they're like what it's right are you not like i just saw a movie i did and i was like it was very good and everybody was like what do you mean you didn't did you not like it I'm not the target audience I yeah it's hard that's always what I say I'm just not the target audience I made it so I want I hope you like it I don't I can't I have no control over whether I like it I already made it it's over you know what I mean it's done I'm not a good I'm too biased that's not the take I would have used well this, this is a good transition because I do want to say this. Because speaking of put it out there for other people, Whitney has a special.

What a segue. Please watch it. What a pro. It's available right now on OnlyFans. TV. OnlyFans TV. Which is a different part. OF.TV.

OF.TV. They're doing a lot of comedy, and I know that I'm going to loop you into this somehow. Are you the first person to do a stand-up special? First person doing a stand-up special on OF.TV. So I did a special for Netflix. We did it around the same time, like a year ago, right? Yeah. And I feel like Netflix, you do every three years,

you do an hour. And this is all stuff, because do you ever feel like when you put an hour together, you're doing it for a special? Yeah, of course. Yeah. It feels deliberate. You shoot a special, and together you're doing it for a special yeah of course yeah it feels deliberate like you shoot a special and then you're like i gotta start this next special here's the how that doesn't really fit this was like after i had done my fifth special i was like i'm just gonna like write for me i'm gonna just talk about shit i want to talk about i'm not gonna think about making another special like yelling about trans

people for 20 minutes like just like fuck it and OFTV, I did the roast with them, and they were like, do you want to, not one note, didn't try to sit, we had Robin Tran on, we said the craziest shit. Yeah.

And they were like, do you want, because they're doing, like, live at Gotham-esque, like, stand-up specials with, like, comics that are doing just, like, 10 minutes, 10 minutes, 10 minutes on these specials,

which is awesome because what do you do if you're a comic at that medium level? Yeah, because the Comedy Central is not, that used to be our kind of outlet for that at the time. Now you need a plug-in? Yeah, right. Yeah, you need, yeah.

It's true. What even is that? It's a GeoCities now? I don't even know how to get Comedy Central. I don't even know. So it's like comics, like there's, so they're doing these sort of like mini little specials. They're going to start doing half hours. And they're like, do you want to do the first hour?

And I was like, let's go. Not one note. They've been amazing. It's out and it's free. It's out and it I was like let's go not one note they've been amazing it's out and it's free it's out and it's free it's free what do they run ads on it though

really wow they've got pussy money yeah I was just gonna say they got a lot they got a lot of money but it's also

their TV it's like this is trying to separate them from being what people are formally knowing OnlyFans as this is trying to separate them from being what people are formally knowing OnlyFans as. This is their

television production studio. They want to make original content. They're going to start doing movies. They're going to start doing all kinds of shit. But I think that's the perception is that it's sexual,

but there is no, that this version of them, this is not a, this isn't a sexually based content. Like they kept saying on the internet that it's safe for work. It's SFW.

OnlyFans TV is supposed to be a safe for work. It's lots of like athletes. It's like fighters. Like Diplo's got a thing. Iggy Azale it's safe for work. It's SFW. Only Fans TV is supposed to be a safe for work. It's lots of like athletes. It's like fighters. Like Diplo's got a thing. Iggy Azalea's got a thing. Like, you know. But also you can connect to the subscription service.

So a lot of comics are making money on the subscription service now. You know? On OFTV. On OF. So they're Only Fans profile. So what I do is instead of dirty videos and dirty photos, I do dirty jokes. Jokes that I feel like I'd get in trouble. This is great.

Because we keep putting jokes on Twitter and Instagram and getting in trouble. Giving it away for free. Giving it away for free. Like, just put it on your subscription site. Yeah, so this is the... If you go to OF.TV, what's the name of the stand-up thing that they do?

It's called LMAO. I'm sorry, I'm so dyslexic. Nicole Amy Schreiber just did it. Oh, rad. Yeah, like, it's like a bunch of stand-ups. So you can see on there, there's a bunch. If you go to the website, you can see. But this isn't it.

But moreover. Go to OF.TV slash LMAO. And then we did the roast on here, and we'll probably do more roasts. That's rad. But go to OFTV.com and go watch Whitney's special. The link will be in the description below so you can see it. It's available right now. Don't you think we should be doing half hours?

I think we should. Honestly, I don't think, I'm not, I am so over the time idea of like, this has to be 15 or 30 or an hour. It's like, I don't know,

maybe 24 is fine. Do whatever the fuck you want. I think the new world should be just make the number that the best that suits what you're putting out. That's right. As long as it's funny,

it's going to feel as long as it should be because netflix it has to be 60 minutes because to qualify for an emmy that's why that yeah uh that whole thing with them like i spoke to them because they tell you about you know the requirements they also tell you like how many people started your special how many people finished it when did they uh how many days after they began that they finished and they do how many time like what the analytics are of people that watched it up until a certain amount of time and I just think if it's good and it's funny

it doesn't the number is something that was pounded into our brain that's right and it's like who cares times are changing when we did it at Comedy Central

an hour was 42 minutes right it wasn't enough it was a full hour it's never been 60 minutes right when we did our half hours it was 22 or 22 and a half a movie is an hour and 20 minutes

yeah it's so crazy it's so crazy we were talking for an hour it's too much it's like so it's whatever is going to make the most fit i think that feels most comfortable so that's what you know we'll see i don't know but right now but that's the only only fans is the only place doing that go watch of tv.com uh to see winnie special it is is, of course, called Mouthy. Pregnant and Annoying. What is it called? It's called Mouthy? Yeah. Is it called Mouthy?

That's so funny. On so many levels. Really? Go watch Mouthy right now. Naming specials is so hard. It's stupid. It's dumb. Even when it's good, it's dumb.

It's so hard. It's just to try to not be funny. I just never want to try to be funny with it. It's like delirious for Eddie Murphy. It's so memorable. Shoot the Messenger is great. Shoot the Messenger is really good. At the time, it was also a word you wouldn't hear too much.

Rogan always has good ones, I feel like. Like Strange Times. It's not like trying to be too funny. Michelle Wolfe has good titles, I feel like. She's doing... I don't know if I have the liberty to say. Beyond the Pale I feel like. She's doing... I don't know. I don't know if I have the liberty to say. Beyond the Pale is really good. That's great. That's Gaffigan, right?

That's great. Todd Berry usually has good titles. Oh, Louis always has great... Hilarious is a fucking great title. Sorry, Louis, sorry. Yeah, so good. What a great moment. Just one word, sorry. Well, also, then Louis C.K. Live, right? Didn't he just do Live from the Comedy Store? Comedy Store. Just like, that's...

Simple is better. But go watch Mouthy because she sure is. And I'm happy that you came on the show. I can't wait to meet this baby and also raise it, obviously. Because I do know that will be part of my duty. We'll be raising this child. It is going to be named Hilaria after Hilaria Baldwin. Of course, you don't pronounce the H.

It's Hilaria. Do youia Baldwin. Of course, you don't pronounce the H. It's Hilaria. Do you remember when she pretended to be Spanish? Oh, dude, she's still doing it. What do you mean? She's like the concombre. Concombre. He's like, what? Aren't you from fucking New England?

Or where is she from? She's from like Maine or some shit. Is Alec Baldwin going to go to jail? Hell yeah, dude. Dude, I think he- No, he's free. I think he's good. I think he's good.

I think that was settled, right? Everything is all good. I don't know, man. It just popped back up again. He said he didn't pull the trigger. You can't put Boss Baby in jail. No one puts Boss Baby in the corner. No one puts Boss Baby in the jail corner. You know, we make television.

There's video footage of this. If he was making it go off, that means they were rolling. Yeah, they were rolling. And the director got shot also, and he hasn't said anything yet he's like pretending to be in a coma yeah he's doing the thing like the mafia was like did you really get shot he's like no i don't think so wait are they weren't they finishing the movie did they end up i think they did it this business is so yeah they did i think they finished it rust right isn't it called no way yeah rust the film i think it did i think it finished it. Rust, right? Isn't it called Rust? No way. Yeah, Rust the film. I think it did. I think it finished.

Remember when this happened to the guy on the crow? Uh, you mean Brandon Lee? Yeah. Yeah, he died. Yeah, and it was like, put it to his head, right? But what it was was it was a blank that misfired, right? Isn't that what it was? Or was it an actual bullet? I don't really remember which one was it.

And his dad died the same-ish way? His dad died... No. No, no, no. No, no, no, no. His father was Bruce Lee. Bruce Lee, but he died having sex or something. What does it say?

Huh? I think it was a blank. I think it was a blank bullet that misfired is what I heard. But I don't really remember. That also, I remember even as a young man, I heard it and I thought, God, that sounds weird. Isn't that fishy? A misfire from a blank?

Well, do you think they were joking around or something? See, after Massey pulled the trigger and shot Lee, fell backwards, said, the gun was used as a prop, was a real revolver, loaded with improperly made dummy rounds. Exactly. So do you think it was a murder? I just feel like it's a high level of negligence

because it's like they have these dummy rounds, right? What's an improperly made dummy round? It was made with steel? Well, yeah. Like they made it with what bullets are made out of? Yeah. It was made with gunpowder. No, you know what it is?

Because we had to shoot. So I did in that show Beef that we did, we had to shoot the cops and all that stuff. Yeah. And now because of all this stuff, they don't fuck around. And also when you go to- They should never have been fucking around. Well, but it's- I, they don't fuck around. And also when you go, they should never have been fucking around. Well, but I feel like they never fucked around.

Alec Baldwin probably just went, we don't have to do the safety meeting. I'm out. Like I see him being like, we don't have to fucking do this. I know what I'm doing. Yeah. Yeah.

Crew was walking off before all this, because you know, you, when you have to have these fucking safety, it's so boring. It's crazy. Even if you're just like doing a little stage combat thing, they're like,

here's going to happen. I'm going to hold the thing here. The knife will be here. And everyone's like, ah, it's like a 45's crazy even if you're just like doing a little stage combat thing they're like here's gonna happen i'm gonna hold the thing here the knife will be here and everyone's like it's like a 45 minute meeting and they go this is not a real knife yeah no but i think with this it was just um i think what it what it is is it was just built poorly right and so something misfired out of it this is on the crow but on rust the the that was different the person quit the armors quit and said, fuck this. There's no safety meetings. And they went, oh, let's just get this random fucking meth head that works at the local gun range.

I've made bullets before. You're like, oh. That's literally what. No, it was some hot chick that they just found at the local Dave and Buster's who worked at the shooting range. I swear to God, she was like a Hooters girl. Imagine hiring someone that works at Sizzler to load bullets. I'm not even joking. And then look up the girl that they hired.

She was like an assistant at the Rainforest Cafe. She has an OnlyFans now, actually. Yeah, I bet. I bet. And then she showed up and then she hadn't emptied the gun. You would never put up OnlyFans photos. Oh, she would. Like naked.

I did ask about live streaming my birth and they were like, no, we can't have minors on it. So we can't have a baby. Can't they do age verification for that? Isn't there an age verification?

Yeah, but there's a baby. You can't have a baby. Like, they're very hardcore. Like, when we were doing the roasts, when... What if they just show your tits during the birth? They don't show anything below it.

It's just fucking the colostrum. It's just you and your tits as you're like... Just cut off right here. Dude, there's a lot of breastfeeding, women breastfeeding is very big on there.

No way. I swear to God. People are paying to watch breastfeeding. A lot of it actually, when you go on OnlyFans, a lot of it's kind of more tame than Instagram

or Joey Diaz's Twitter feed. Jesus, man. It's like bikinis. It's kind of like guys that want to be in like a relationship, not a relationship, but like they want to support their porn star. That's cool.

You know what I mean? Yeah, support the game. Remember back when you would have like Jenna Jameson was like your girl. Right, right. Like millions of men also thought the same thing. But I think this whole thing of just like tons of porn, they want to have like a bottom tip. Like I actually feel guilty sometimes because I'll put a video on there that's like a roast roast of a city that I'll do like whenever I go to cities I'll like do a little roast at the end of St. Louis or Cleveland or whatever I'll put it up on OnlyFans and people

will give me tips and I'm like you guys thank you but like like they want to participate in your success wow that's fucking wild it's really fun they just want to be a they want to be a active fan yeah they don't want it they don't want it for free that kind of feels dirty or something and I think they like want to invest in like you've had Riley Reid on or you've had Angela White and Carter Cruz. Yeah. Yeah. And then like there's, you know, these girls I talk to, they're, you know, Angela White, one of her biggest moneymakers is she'll take requests and one of them is shrinking men and putting them in her pocket. That's so funny. And so that is so fucking funny. They'll pay her to just be like, you fit right in my pocket.

But that's also very funny. I'm going to take you today. We're going to go to Target. You want to go to Trader Joe's? Yeah, totally. Just like in a pocket. And then sometimes she'll like eat them. And I don't know.

There's all these kind of fetishes that are like sexual adjacent. Yeah, but maybe. Well, it's just fun. That kind of shit's just fun. See, that's funnier to me than yeah, daddy, and like, paying for that stuff, because I'm also like, I don't know, that's not, you're old enough to know that

this is all bullshit, right? I think people, I think there's a lot of men that like to know that this is consensual, there's no dicks in it, you know? I like, there's a dude I was dating who said something that was, like, kind of blew my mind. I was like, he's off porn. Like, a lot of, like, younger guys are off porn. Yeah. And he was like, uh, yeah. Not me! Yeah. He was like, I don't watch porn. I was like, said to me that was like kind of blew my mind I was like he's off porn like a lot of like younger guys are off porn yeah and he was like uh yeah not me yeah he was like I don't watch porn I was like why he's like it's gay I was like what do you mean it's gay he's like I

don't want to see a guy being like uh like he's like the guys ruin it for me and I was like I've never thought about that I get the levels turned down on the women I just want to hear the guy I'm like make her shut up but so OnlyFans is like a lot of girls doing whatever without the guy in the picture. And it's like in their apartment. You know she's safe. I get it. It's all solo. It's all solo.

It's not like some weird gym or some like weird hotel with like a- Or a house in Encino that you almost bought for $4 million. Dude, I'll tell you what. It's such a porno house. Like why is this- This is Vin Diesel's house. Also, it's a porno house. I know.

There's like a glass fireplace that's like lime green lights on it. Oh, I know that house. Nothing good has happened to it. I've been to that house. It's just for throwing parties and porno. No, but I do think the revolution of that is good. That it's changing the levels of what people are fan participating for. Like they want to participate in your success.

They want to like pick a couple girls. Can they tip you on your special or no? No. Bummer. Wait, really? No, because it's on the TV side. Ah, the TV side. Yeah, the TV side.

Yeah, but I'll do some like outtakes and stuff on the platform. Because it's also like, it's really nice to be able to go like, like I was working on this bit that I haven't fucking cracked. And I don't think I ever will. But it's also not relevant anymore. But it was about Bill Cosby. It was like, like now that we can agree. That he's the greatest comic of all time.

Have you seen the video of him doing the Fat Albert impression leaving prison? Hey, hey, hey. It's incredible. But he can't not do it. It's so funny. It's so fucking funny.

But he's like, just keep walking. He was like, like he has to sneak it in. Yeah, it's a side note. It's so brutal. But what was the Bill Cosby joke? Well, I was just kind of

trying to like, whatever, we're comics. I was kind of trying to go like, okay, now that, you know, we can agree that he's bad news bears. Yeah. And that what he did was wrong like what was in all fairness what was going on with you that you wanted to have awake sex with america's dad i'm just saying that's also weird like i feel like it's more traumatic to have sex with cliff huxtable than to wake up and be

like what was that like it was just like something in that. When he comes, he goes, Rudy. Yeah. But by the way, also, do you remember that in the Cosby show, do you remember what he did for a living? What do you mean? He was a, he was a, he was a gynecologist, right? In his basement.

He would walk up the stairs and be like, just got off work and would pull gloves off. Wait, wait, he didn't go to an office? No, it was in his basement of his house. How do I not remember that? I always feel like he was, he was always coming. He would take the gloves off like in the living room. I was like, what the office? No, it was in his basement of his house. How do I not remember that? I always feel like he was always coming- He would take the gloves off in the living room. I was like, what the fuck? Really?

That's so fucked up. I don't remember that. No, it was wild. A basement gynecologist? Yes, he would just walk up the stairs by that other staircase. His office was in their house. I am always so weary of male gynecologists. Why is that the gig that you want?

Do you ever have a guy? No, I have have a female has anybody you know ever had a guy yeah, there's a really famous guy dr. Crane he's much older, but yeah, no I had a guy once and there who say if you're 35 and pregnant They called a geriatric pregnancy. Yeah, you're gonna. Yeah. Yeah, just like nagging you you'll want a cane when that came But so it's like a bit like that where it's like, I'll get killed if I try that out anywhere. It's like, I'll do it on my OnlyFans subscription site and then people will write like, yeah, keep working on this. Because it's funny. No one's like, this, you're punching down and I'm not gonna

you know, no one's gonna come for us. So check it out on the OnlyFans then. Go watch Dirty Jokes. You want to see Dirty Jokes not Dirty Photos. Instead of Dirty Photos and Dirty Videos it's just Dirty. Dirty jokes. Because it's basically also like Patreon.

I'll pull a clip that would get me kicked off YouTube or demonetized from YouTube or age restricted on YouTube and I'll just flip it and put it on my OnlyFans profile. That's what we should start doing.

I don't even know why we don't do that. We just put stuff up and wait for YouTube to be like, ah, ah, and then they ban us. Go watch Whitney's

special mouthful right now. Are you guys going on Rumble? Are we doing Rumble? No. Shut up. Out of your mind special Mouthful right now. Are you guys going on Rumble? Are we doing Rumble? No. Shut up. Out of your mind. I'm regretting that. Cut to me regretting this in seven months when I'm like,

go check out Andrew Santino's new special on Rumble right now. Go watch Mouthful right now. I love you. Go watch Mouthful. Go watch Mouthful. Wait, that's better. I feel like that's so better. Go watch Mouthy. We were thinking she's a I feel like that's so better. Go watch Mouthy. No, she's a,

you're thinking she's a handful. Yeah, if it was. And you mixed it. I think you're all the above. Go watch, go watch Mouthy and fuck is she mouthy on OFTV.com.

You can check it out in the description below. OF.TV. OF.TV. Just Google it. Just fucking Google Whitney Cummings. I'm losing viewers.

Yeah, it's going down. The more you plug this. This mouthy bitch is on fans with only. So mouth.com, mouth.full. Go to suckamouth.net. We'll put it down below. We end the show the same way. Look in that camera right there.

You say one word or one phrase to end the episode. Make it count. Make it count. I love the Lord. Also, please go watch our special on OFTV. It's called Mouthy. What's your favorite thing someone's ever said in the camera? I forgot about that.

What's my favorite thing? Have you ever strung them all together? In here, we pour whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk. You are that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse.

Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers.