Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Whitney Cummings 2.0

Episode Date: April 9, 2021

Santino sits down with ole blue hair Whitney Cummings to chat about building rock walls for her new boy toy, us both getting the rona and how she has lost her mind and slowly gained it back...or did she? ORDER SOME MERCH!!! https://www.andrewsantinostore.com Join our Patreon : https://www.patreon.com/whiskeygingerpodcast SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS! CUTS CLOTHING - Premium quality with minimal nonsense Built for performance and to wear for all occasions http://cutsclothing.com/whiskey​ for 15% OFF your first order BETTERHELP - You deserve to feel better Get the help you need today from wherever you are http://betterhelp.com/whiskey​ for 10% OFF your first month Follow Santino on Insta and Twitter: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ https://twitter.com/CheetoSantino Whiskey Ginger Insta and Twitter: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeygingerpodcast/ & https://twitter.com/whiskeyginger_ Whiskey Ginger Clips: http://www.youtube.com/c/WhiskeyGingerPodcastClips EDITING AND PRODUCTION DESIGN BY THE AMAZING WHISKEY GINGER TEAM JENNA SUNDE https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday/ JOE FARIA https://www.instagram.com/itsjoefaria Y&S https://www.instagram.com/youngandsick/ Intro Music by Rocom: https://www.youtube.com/user/RocomTelevision Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What up, Whiskey Ginger fans? Welcome back to the show. Is it your first time? Subscribe. Hit the notification bell. We post every single Friday. Also, if you're a stand-up fan, you know I'm on the road again. AndrewSantino.com for tickets. I am all sold out in Addison at the end of the month. Then I've got Atlantic City. I've also got Madison. I've got Boston.

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That's where it is. For everything else you need to know, go to andrewsantino.com. That's where that stuff is. My guest today is Whitney Cummings, Swit Cummings, the girl who can't stop dying her hair, as I refer to her.

So she's pretty fun. She's a weirdo, and we're okay with it. Enough rambling from me. Let's go to the episode. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You are that creature in the ginger beard.

Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are fugitive. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry, what about the non-binary? Once again, today, Whitney Cummings interrupting me right off the bat. and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry, what about the non-binary? Today, Whitney Cummings interrupting me right off the bat. I mean, I'm sorry. I just got so bored. I know, but I'm talking loud and I need to put on some... What do you mean non-binary? What do you mean, ladies and gentlemen?

I'm triggered. I say, ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. I'm just saying, the fact that you haven't been canceled is shocking. Because I can't say men and women? We don't see gender anymore. What do you see then? I see... When you see me walking down the street,

what do you see? I see a... Orange man. Mildly successful man. Mildly? What a bitch. No, if I'm here, you're successful. I need your fan base.

I also have a couple qualms for you. I just used your bathroom. Yeah. And you guys' toilet paper here is so fucking pithy yeah

that little pieces it's the kind of toilet paper that like little pieces break off into your vagina folds and then you have to scoop them out I don't have a vagina fold

so I don't have to worry about it and also I don't see gender and I don't see genitalia so I don't even think about those things yes now you're gonna run Hollywood smart

smart do it put me in some movies put me in some movies let me tell you something think about those things. Yes! Now you're gonna run Hollywood. Smart! Smart! Do it! Say it! Put me in some movies! Performative progress! Let me tell you something. We buy cheap toilet paper here because we don't want to encourage people to poop here. I pooped.

You did? I know you did. But I'm not gonna not poop because of your toilet paper. I'm just gonna use more of it. And then I had to go get a roll of toilet paper. It was the kind where you have to like scratch off to get the first one and you end up scratching through half of it. Like where did you buy that? We don't buy that. What's 7-Eleven?

We get that donated to us. By who? We don't have money like you have money, dude. We're struggling a little bit more than you. I'm just saying take care of your guests. You pull up in a Tesla. You give me a, you got all your gift stuff in there. You're going to curl your hair live on the show.

I am. I look like such a cracker. Like I do. It has gotten to the point with the my hair my courtney love ass hair and yeah wild personality where people are starting to really worry about me yeah i'm worried about you big time what are you worried about um honestly the the dying the hair thing is such a cry for help what and who's gonna answer the cry for help andrew yes it is a cry for attention okay so let's get clear let's get

clear people that want help want the attention it's the exact same thing here's what it happened can i tell you and why blue by the way did you see i match the background i try to match the background to your hair oh thank you so much should we should we get a little bit closer i feel like that might not be the right color stop distract stop i don't want anyone focusing on anything else but this but you let's not they can't trust me. So you're trying to focus. What color is your hair? Is this closer to your hair there? Yeah, that is.

Yeah, that's perfect. So you have a remote to change the color of your neon sign? Yep. Fall in! And I'm the one that spends money? First of all, these are LCD LED lights behind there that are like $20 on Amazon. Okay. But this is, Ted Munns did

this sign and he set it all up for me. He's the best. I'd say maybe spend more money on toilet paper and less money on your narcissistic branding. No, because I don't want I'm not worried about how much toilet paper flakes get caught in the lips of your vagina. That's your issue. And also, you should use the tushy spray off and dab and walk. Never, never.

Dab and walk. I don't know what kind of water is squirting up to my vagina from your toilet. You think I'm going to let that happen? What do you mean? That's clean water. Do you not know how that works? You think it collects from the bowl? Can I just say something that's really funny?

I wasn't going to drink today and now I had to have one because of you. I mean it's one in the afternoon. The best part about this is like. Yeah, but I worked out already. When we came in, I brought you a gift and we were like, thank you. We best part about this is like. Yeah, but I worked out already. When we came in, like, I brought you a gift. And we were like, thank you. We're like, I love you. We miss you.

And as soon as we got on camera, we just ripped into each other. It's got to be. Okay, let's go back to it. Let's be real. Okay. And pull the mic close so we can hear you even though you're doing this. No one has ever complained that my voice wasn't loud enough. Yeah, you're right.

It's never happened. Why blue? Why blue? Well, first it was pink. It was pink for like a month. I know, but pink was gone so fast it didn't even happen. It was like a. Why blue? Why blue? Well, first it was pink. It was pink for like a month. I know, but pink was gone so fast it didn't even happen. It was like a month and then blue.

Okay, but this has been five months. This has been five months. I know because here's the problem is once you do it, you destroy your hair so bad it's hard to undo. But here's the main thing. The first reason I did it, because I'm a hero, is hair people were not making money for a fucking year during the pandemic. Time out.

You're not pretending like this is for your hair person. I said, give me the most expensive thing you can do. And she was like, it's to basically bleach your old hair and dye it a color. It's $3,000. And I was like, great. That's $3,000 American dollars. To start it.

Yeah. To bleach the entire thing in the beginning. So you paid three Gs to ruin your hair forever. I spent three Gs to be less employable. Yeah, to ruin your hair. I have divested in my future. But also paid 3Gs to ruin your hair forever. I spent 3Gs to be less employable. Yeah, to ruin your hair. I have been divested in my future. But also,

here's the other thing. I think there was also this like liberation that came from podcasting which you, Joe Rogan, like all you guys are why I did it. Yeah.

You know? And like I was just like, well, I can do that. You just like... I can do that. You just like... I can do that. And you do it okay. I can sit around and complain. I don't even think...

I really don't think I'm that good at podcasting. I really... But your guests are great. I mean... You really get some good guests. Because here's the thing. When I started podcasting, it was like all... You, Theo, Chris Celia, Bobby Lee, Bert, like there was no evidence that anyone

wanted to hear women talk for three hours. That's not true. One of the most successful podcasts in comedy is a woman. Who? Number two. Who? Barstool. Call her daddy.

Yes, but call your daddy. It was two girls and they were only talking about sex and it was an hour. Okay. You know? And they had Barstool pushing it out. But yes. But when I started, it was not. All right, well, let me say this then.

In comedy, you're right, but outside of that, the real money makers in podcasting, the people who are killing it, are true crime podcasts. Totally. Okay, and those are all led by women. That's not what I was going to do. Yeah, but then you should. Get in your lane. Stay in the lane that you belong.

You belong about true crime or kitchen pods. And you know it, woman. Let me see right now. Actually, speaking of which, let's see. Top shows in comedy. Let's see the top shows. But you know that none of that's real on Apple. They pay for stuff. No, I know they pay for all that stuff.

So why are you doing this? It's the same with the best. Oh, by the way, Angela from The Office and what's her name? Jenna Fisher. Based on a giant proven brand that has been huge for 10 years. That's number three on the comedy podcast. If that's even real. But yes.

And then Call Her Daddy is up there. Okay, her again. And then The Breakfast Club. And then The Morning Toast. Two women again. By the way, this was a year. And Christina. You don't think Christina P. with Tom, that doesn't count as a woman's perspective?

Okay. Do you want to hear my point out or not? Kind of. Go ahead. Oh my God, I feel bad for your wife. We'll be right back after these. So when I started, half of those didn't exist.

Mm-hmm. So we can kind of argue that me doing it opened the door for more women. You're right. Not true. But I'm saying,

in the comedy space, the people that were killing, yes, Christina on Tom's show, of course, but I was just talking about single hosts. You're right. Christina did not have your mom's...

Where my mom's at. Where my mom's at. She hadn't had that yet. No, that's true. So it was like, okay, I can be married to Theo and be like a Christina and Tom. Like, I have to be married to a comedian to make this work. There was no single comedian podcast.

There was just a woman that was a stand-up. Alex was not a stand-up. Can you imagine if you married Theo? Dude. Oh my God. You guys together would be the most,

that's a reality show. It would be the most Sid and Nancy shit. I mean. It would be a double homicide for sure. I do feel like though we wouldn't fight that much

because we truly like can't understand each other. Yeah. Our brains are so different. You know how two positive magnet sides, they keep doing this. That's exactly what you guys are. But we also get along so well. Yeah. It's easy because he's an easygoing guy.

And I've known Theo for so long. I mean I knew Theo and I always tell this story about him and he fucking hates it. Or I always tell it when I'm on his podcast. If it's an MTV thing, I know he like loses it about that stuff. No, it was like, it was just like Theo's brain is just like the way he thinks

just like fascinates me. I remember this was like 10 years ago. You know when you're like taking a 4 a.m. flight in some random city and you see another comedian? Yeah. Like even if you don't know each other, you're like, hey, what's up?

You know each other, yeah. Like I never met Mike Birbiglia and one time at like 5 a.m. I was in like Pensacola and I look over, you're like, hey, what's up? You know each other, yeah. Like, I never met Mike Birbiglia at one time at like 5 a.m. I was in like Pensacola, and I look over, and I'm like, hey, dude. Like, it's like kind of the most fun thing. It is awesome.

You know? It makes you feel whole. Like, you're like, oh, I'm not alone. Because you feel alone at the airport. Like, this is the saddest shit. Why am I still doing this? Yeah, this is not worth it. Why am I fucking doing five shows on a Sunday?

And then up walks Birbiglia, and you're like, we're good. We're fine. And then you're like, we're good. We're fine. And then you're like, oh no, this is what it takes. The real ones have to fucking do this. The ones that are good, you run into. You know what I'm saying? The ones that suck and just think that their tweets make them comedians are never fucking

in the airport at 5am. Who were you just taking a shot at when you said that? You know exactly who. Do you see that now one side of my hair is curled and one side isn't? It actually looks cool. I think that looks smooth. I like that this side is curled and that side is... Well, straighten the other side.

Don't enable me. I know, I should have. So I see... Are you smoking again, by the way? I smoke cigarettes every now and then. I saw the green pack of American Spirits in the car. Yeah. I'm very perceptive.

And I thought, why are you smoking again? I do it like once a day to just... It's like a distraction. It's a little tiny high. Yeah. A little tiny high because I'm off edibles. I had an edible issue. You're sober now.

Not sober. I'm not doing edibles. But you don't drink. I don't drink. I do drink hard kombucha. That's Shun Shine. I'll do. It's like a beer.

I know, but that's not really going to get you buzzed. I'm kind of a lightweight with alcohol because I never drink alcohol. I never had a problem with weed. I'm kind of a lightweight with alcohol because I never drink alcohol. I never had a problem with weed. I've never had a problem with substances. My thing was always internal drug cabinet, adrenaline, other alcoholic shit like that. But the edibles, I started taking when I had COVID. And when I take an edible, what happens? First of all, I'm too impatient for it because after 10 minutes, I'm like, this is working and I'll take 10 more.

I'm like, these don't fucking work and then i like was like falling down my stairs and waking up with weird bruises and like sending crazy emails i did a comedy zoom this is this is when i quit yeah i my rock bottom i hit a rock bottom with edibles i can still smoke weed can you imagine going to an a meeting be like i hit my rock bottom with edibles they're like what dude that's suck dick for cracking an alleyway. That's the thing that gets me, dude. Edibles. I was microdosing ketamine and I could fucking function.

Edibles, because after I take the first one, you take it and my brain goes, that was THC. Or that was CBD, not THC. And I'll just start taking more. I did a whole tin of those fucking blueberries one night. What? Got on IG Live and was wilding. How many milligrams are you taking a night at one point?

Well, I guess it would be like each of them have like 20 or something. Yeah, that's a shit load if you're taking five of those things. I take one and it takes 40 minutes to kick in and then I would just be like, oh, I'm so bored. Why don't you want to just smoke a joint? Hit a joint and then you're immediate. I should do that. I thought edibles were like healthier and don't fuck up your lungs.

And it was COVID where everyone was like worried about their fucking lungs. And you got it anyway. So what's the difference? So the piano player at the comedy store. Rest in peace, Jeff Scott. Jeff Scott, legend, family, passes away during COVID. We can't have a funeral. Nobody saw him.

Nobody knew what happened. Broke all of our hearts. I had COVID when it happened. There was a big comedy store memorial zoom call i took like 12 edibles that day do you not hear about this no i was on the zoom for like 20 minutes and then i had to leave because it was tough i got on those things there was maybe 50 people that i respect and love on it i I was in a silk robe. I don't even know where I got it. I truly don't know to this day, because Theo made a joke about it.

It was like a silk robe with roses on it that I've never worn. Like my tits are basically half out. I look like Miss Havisham, like Grey Gardens, like crazy woman. Theo goes, damn, Whitney's so rich, she turned Japanese. Someone told me about that later. I don't know.

I got on the call while people were sharing their experiences, and I was like, you guys, I'll fucking pay for the funeral. I just started saying, I got it. I'll fucking pay. Did you pay for the funeral? And then apparently I went on a rant where I was just talking about how I'll pay for everything. No problem.

I got it. Let me know what you need. Like an asshole yep and then everyone was like you know you just were like offering to pay for that funeral and i was like okay i'm sorry that was bragging about money to people that have like literally no money i was like i got it how much just tell me how much 20,000 comics i haven't worked in 12 months anything for him dude i'll pay for a funeral and then i was like i'll buy his apartment we got to save his apartment like we, we gotta make a fucking memorial. I got it. I'll pay for it. Just tell me who to Venmo. Like, I was just being such a fucking gross person.

And then, like, five days later, Richie texts me, and he's like, hey, just curious if you're still down to cover the funeral expenses. 100%. You know the comedy star was like, oh, you're gonna? Totally. It was like 15 grand, and I was like, okay, I just paid for a funeral. Like, that's my rock bottom. I embarrass myself in front of all the only people whose opinion I care.

But you did pay for the funeral. Of course, of course, which I would have done regardless. That's so sweet. It's not, who cares? I don't have kids. It's the least I can do. But like it's Jeff Scott. I mean, he's like Jeff Scott is like the piano player He's a big reason why I kept doing stand-up because when there were two people in the room and you're bombing his laugh was just like He was so good. So infectious.

I went over there. I waited a couple of days. I think I waited five days and then went over there at night When there were two people in the room and you're bombing, his laugh was just like so infectious. I went over there. I waited a couple of days. I think I waited five days. And then I went over there at night and I just drove the car at like, no, it was probably midnight. And I just went there because I knew nobody would be there. And they had a candle vigil that he had. And I got out of the car and I just wanted to see it. And then I thought, I'll just be here for a minute and then I'll just, you know, soak it up and go home.

I was there for like a half an hour, 40 minutes. I just sat there forever. And I'm not trying to be emotional, but just honestly, yeah, it was fucking wild to think about. Because I just started to think about all the times and those late nights and hanging out and getting high behind the club with him and him cracking jokes. He was the most consistent. I'd see you there three nights a week if our spots didn't align every single night and we i used to wait till two in the morning to get a spot we'd spend five hours together it was like i still don't think that i think uh for people listening that are not relating to this like anyone that like passed

away during the pandemic it's like i haven't really processed it you can't it's impossible because you didn't get to see people to process it. I didn't go to a funeral. And the Zoom things fucking suck. I was wasted. I ruined his memorial. Yeah. He's my favorite.

He's literally the person I owe the most to, love the most, and I was on fucking nine edibles ruining his memorial. People were crying and trying to tell stories, and I was like, oh, I got it. Shut up. I got it. Well, I can't wait to see whose memorial you ruin next. Like, who do you think you will ruin next?

It should be a thing that you keep doing now. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's, it's, it was so embarrassing. So, so my answer, yeah, I use something about the edibles going back. And I said, why don't you just smoke a joint though? I would. I totally would.

Because you can balance that so much easier. I do the vapes every now and then. I have some of those around. But the edibles, I cannot do. Wait, but we're on a tangent. There was something before that about the edibles. This whole podcast is a tangent with you. I know.

Oh, being good at podcasting. So I never thought I was particularly good at it. I get a lot of feedback that I'm like shrill and annoying. So the idea of me doing a podcast, like I'm like kind of insecure. I don't know if I'm supposed to be talking or not talking. Like I still don't know I'm supposed to be doing it. Do you think shrill and annoying is just a cheap shot because you're a woman because men are shrill and annoying but they don't say it they just say you're an asshole I also it's like who gives a

shit like anyone commenting positive or negative loves us like like I'm at this point now where it's like oh so you listened you heard it to the whole thing I've been listening to your podcast for a year and you're shrill and annoying well thank you for thank you you should have to when you post a negative comment you should have to post how many minutes of the podcast you watched, right? Yeah. Because I know those people are like 50 minutes. They'll watch the whole fucking thing. Someone that says something nice watched 15 minutes of it.

Also, the other podcasts that are big women don't have video. Is that interesting? Their audio. Yeah, that's true, I guess, because most people don't. A lot of people don't want to be on video. Like, that's why fucking. It fascinates me, the podcasts that are big that don't a lot of people don't want to be on video like that's why fucking uh it's nice to meet the pockets that are big that don't have video yeah I know but like the beginnings of that's why the beginnings of them didn't until Rogan kind of did that video thing he was the one that did that with red band

that kind of changed because before that no one was doing video like Mark Mark what's wrong with me mark oh my god I'm drawing such like the worst blank of all time. Mark. See, I'm back. I'm not taking edibles. My brain is fucking working. The biggest podcast of all time. Mark, big podcast of all time.

Had Obama on. What's wrong with me? Oh, Marin. Marin. Yeah. I couldn't even think of his last name. Yeah, no, it's okay. Yeah, Marin has never done video and refuses.

In fact, he doesn't like to do other podcasts that have video because he doesn't like video. Interesting. I just think some people live in the world of like this is the, this kind of hidden, it's nice to hide behind the audio. Yeah, but I also think like- Because then you don't have to watch someone do their fucking hair on a podcast. I do. I do find it would have been way worse to have to watch without.

I don't need screen, I don't need to be a fucking meme where I look like, like carrot top. You're going to be an NFT. The problem, oh God, I'm trying. You want to make an NFT of yourself? Yeah, I do. Why don't I screen grab. I don't need to be a fucking meme where I look like Carrot Top. You're going to be an NFT. The problem... God, I'm trying. You want to make an NFT of yourself? Yeah, I do. Why don't I? Why not?

I don't know how to do it. You have to mint something and then sell. What would your NFT be? It would be my tits or butt. Well, look... Like a popular funeral is taking place and your tits are out in the background? Do you want to know something? Yeah.

I have not worked out at all. I was going to say, you look so fat am i allowed to stand up what the fuck thing i'm fully wearing padded underwear what do you mean why wait why are you wearing padded underwear my butt got so flat in the pandemic so you're wearing underwear that has a pad on it oh my god can my God. Can you tell? Wait a minute. Why are you doing that? Because my butt got so flat during the pandemic. Is this a normal thing

that people do? No, I mean, a lot of people do it, but I don't think they like it. That's the weirdest shit I've ever seen. It's like a push-up bra. Why don't you just get a fake butt

like all the girls do now? I would. Because then you don't have to think about working out ever again. Yeah, but that's like a whole, kind of. It depends. The fake butt, I don't have to think about working out ever again. Yeah, but that's like a whole, kind of. It depends. The fake butt, I don't really know that much about it.

I think there's injections, but a lot of people are injecting like cement and like a lot of shit that's like killing them. Yeah, that's in Mexico. Oh, yeah. What do you mean? You're not going to go down there? I spent all my money on a funeral. I need to save money on my surgery.

Take fat from one part of your body and put it in your butt. Just like they do boobs. But you have to lay on your stomach for three sleep on your stomach for three months straight and Do you really my fake tits make it so I can't sleep on my stomach? Ask first then I can't get a fake ass because of my face take your tits out I did it the wrong order your tits out so you can do it and then reverse Well, I feel so stupid because like it tits were the thing when I got, and I was like, great, I got tits. I mean, mine were reconstructive because they were fucked up,

but I wasn't just like, I want big tits. I wanted just symmetrical tits, but I should, no one cares about tits anymore, and it's all about the butt. I got the wrong. Everyone's always cared about tits. They just care. I know, but I look like a 90s Miami whore. You do. You do. You look like you work at a nightclub. I look like, I'm like 90s. If you weren't wearing this

outfit, I would think you were a bottle girl. I'm 90s hot. I'm not. You're 96 to 99 hot. Totally. After that, you're. Like, my aesthetic is just so fucked. So, yeah, I did start wearing padded underwear, and maybe it's just because we're comics, and I cannot lie about anything. I just was like, I have to tell the viewers.

Is it an everyday thing? No, this is my first time really going out in the field. Like, making it a thing. Yeah, I tried. I wore it around my house for a little while just to see if it worked and then I was going to see if you noticed. I didn't notice but also when you did

say it, then I thought, oh yeah, now it's very obvious. In here, we pour whiskey. You guys, I've constantly talked about this on my show, on Bad Friends. Better help is an incredible way to get yourself some help. Look, we're all going through a bunch of different things

coming off of the heels of the pandy. Roans did not treat us well. But mental health is very important to me. I've said that on my show and on my solo show, that I'm big on that, man. I'm somebody who believes in getting mental health help, and that's what better help provides. It's not a crisis line. It's not a self-help line.

This is professionals, okay? You can get paired up with someone in 48 hours. You can communicate with a counselor at any time from anywhere, which I think is huge. And also, you can change. If you don't like who you're assigned with, you can flip it, change it, bop it, swap it. Do whatever you got to do. No pressure, no punishment for doing that. These are professional therapists and it really does help. I do believe very heavily in taking care of the brain stem as well as the body.

But the brain is very important, you guys. And honestly, we're all kind of going through different stuff at different times in our life. And this is something that we should all be doing, or at least all trying. And BetterHelp has a broad range of expertise available. So, you know, you should really try, give it a crack, and see how you feel about it. It's more affordable than traditional offline counseling, which I'm big on, too. It's very expensive to go to someone's office that they have to pay for. And now you do it remotely, which I think is huge. Read the reviews.

Go to betterhelp.com slash reviews. You can see the over 1 million people who have taken charge of their own mental health. The podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp, and Whiskey Ginger listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash whiskey. That's 10% off your first month at betterhelp.com slash whiskey. Are you looking for new clothes? We always should be, okay? Stop wearing stuff from 10, 20 years ago.

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It's office leisure apparel for the sport of business. Get 15% off your first order by going to cutsclothing.com slash whiskey. That's cutsclothing.com slash whiskey for 15% off the only shirt worth wearing. Ginger. I like gingers. But guys aren't good at noticing shit like that. That's my point. Guys aren't good at noticing butts?

I disagree. They're not good at noticing whether it looks significantly different from before. Oh, that's true, that's true. I've never been like, Whit, your ass looks so much different now. But I used to have a fucking ass, and I lost it, because I just... Yeah, but you lost a lot of weight. You do look a little skinny. But I used to have a fucking ass, and I lost it.

Yeah, but you lost a lot of weight. You do look a little skinny. I know, I look a little thin. A little too thin. Because I normally, well, I was doing fucking edibles at five, and then just falling asleep for the rest of the night. And then I haven't been exercising, so I don't have any muscle. When you lose muscle, that's when people look overtly skinny.

Yeah, and it's also... Like, your waist looks very small. It's stupid, and I shouldn't need muscle. When you lose muscle, that's when people look like overtly skinny. Yeah. Like your waist looks very small. It's stupid. And I, and I shouldn't be doing it because also it, um, you lose fat in your face and that's when you start looking older. Like I felt like I started looking older and I was like,

did COVID age me? And I'm like, no, I just need fat in my face. I get texts all the time from people asking about what the longterm effects that I've had from COVID. And I guess I'm lucky cause I didn't get any. Did you get any?

Um, do you have anything? Uh, yeah. I mean, I definitely, oh, and then I'll circle back to why I wanted to dye the hair blue. Cause I also, I was saying the freedom that I think I got from podcasting and I just was like, why do I, I don't get tattoos. I don't color my hair. I don't do it because I want to get hired on something or I'm like, I'm not for them. It's totally for them. And I'm like, why am I waiting around for a call back? Like, got to make sure my hair is brown in case we like, which I was shooting a movie during the, uh, right before the pandemic. And then, uh,

they called me to be like, Hey, we're going to do a pickup. And I was like, Oh, my hair's blue. Yeah. They got, they just did it. Um, Brown. They just put like a brown. Isn't this the nice part about you learn that they'll just deal with your shit. I'm like, if you want me, you want me, whether my hair is blue or brown. They just put like a brown spray. But isn't this the nice part about you learn that they'll just deal with your shit. I'm like, if you want me, you want me, whether my hair's blue or brown. And I had all these

fucking bullshit lies in my head that were like, you have to stay this weight and you have to have this kind of, these nails and this hair and this like.

We do feel that way all the time. And then. I don't have tattoos and I thought about getting one. Do it. No, but then, yeah,

I thought about getting it and then I thought. You're adding a little bit of time in the makeup chair but you i thought you're adding a little bit of time in the makeup chair but you're not gonna not get a job because of it i know i thought i just realized that now but i used to think it was because people that had that problem do it right here so that you can wear a t-shirt and always cover it on well i always thought oh it's because they're so talented the weirdos that are that have the piercings and tattoos and like people

in the holiday like they're so good yeah that the studios excuse them yes and i thought me they'll go this guy isn't fucking worth covering up his tattoos for. That's how I've always felt. So I've always been like... Which no one thinks like that. No one, you come in and solve the problem. Like, no one's thinking about, but also just wear a long-sleeved shirt to the audition.

No one will know about it. Do you know what I'm saying? There's a rumor going around that Dolly Parton has full sleeves. Is that bad? That may be just... That's bad? I don't know.

Mel Gibson has 13 movies in production. I don't know. Mel Gibson has 13 movies in production. I don't know. Isn't that funny? What did he say? He called that woman, like, Jew... What did he say? Wait, he called her sweet tits, and then he asked if she was a Jew.

And by the way, I thought, how long is that going to last? It was like four months, and they were like, give him a movie. Dude, I am so obsessed. I re-listened to his phone calls to his ex-wife. When he was like, You should just shut up and blow me!

I gave up my Lakers tickets! It's just the sound of a man that has been taken for everything he has. He's one of those guys where I really want to work with him because I just want to feel how sad and hurt he is because I bet you that makes him a better actor. Dude, what women want is a fucking brilliant... Yeah, it's a... That's like Robin Williams, Miss Doubtfire-level genius.

It's a banger. It's a great fucking movie. I mean, Braveheart, fuck out of here. But Braveheart... Could a sane person have played that part? Could a non-racist person have delivered that? No, probably not. You're right.

You kind of needed to be a little bit racist to be in one of those roles. Does that mean all those guys are like that? Anybody that's in some kind of like wartime chaos? That's a good question. Okay, Sam Rockwell is amazing in almost everything he does. Do you think he's got something? Sam Rockwell, Sam Rockwell. Yes, he's with, okay, Sam Rockwell, let me think.

Are you going to label who he's dating? Look, I do. Yeah, he's with Leslie Bibb, right? Like 15 years. That is so, that's exactly how your brain thinks. No, I just thought about it. I'm like, is he a sex addict? Does he get hookers?

Like, I'm just trying to think about what I know about the person's personal life. I don't know. When I, I'm going to make a generalization. A lot of the people I have seen do amazing work as like alcoholics and drug addicts. Yeah. It feels close to home like they could because yeah well like anything I don't know anything about his personal life or whatever

but him in um that fucking show with Michelle Williams where he played the choreographer now I'm blanking yeah no I see it too Fosse Fosse Vernon yeah I mean he was so good in it phenomenal you kind of go like did you have a couple shots which by the way I when I have to do sex scenes, I fucking pound alcohol.

The good thing about looking like me is they never write me in a sex scene. They're never going to write me in a thing that goes, you're a redheaded boyfriend. You're thought of as hot. Maybe it's because you got successful recently. But people think of you as hot. No, they think of me as like the redhead who's pretty good for a redhead. That's what they would say. They'd go redhead who's pretty good for a redhead. That's what they would say. They'd go, it's pretty fucking good for a redhead.

No, but I'm telling you, everyone I know that when we talk about you, we are shallow cunts and women in comedy. Yeah, like Santino's fucking hot. But men too? Men, only Ant said that. Why did that get me so good? Because I see aunt and I think,

Maeve, that is hot. Dude, my hippocampus is back up. You turned on again. I have been stoned for three months. And finally, something happened. I know, I feel like I'm on Adderall or something. Remember that Nick Swartzen joke when he stopped smoking weed,

he felt like a magician? Yeah. He would be like, where are my keys? They're right here. I miss him so much. I texted him literally today. You know where he is?

In Florida. Can I say something while you're being a bad host? I'm going to call him right now. I do think there's a difference between a video podcast, because if something happens, that thing on your face, you want to go, oh, just so you guys know, he's got a thing on his face. are you talking to the are you assuming that people see what you're referring to that's what i struggle with with audio and video i'll be like

benton why the fuck are you wearing that shirt today and then you have to go oh well he's wearing a shirt that looks like this for audio listeners click on the youtube link and you'll be able to see it i think he's never gonna answer the audio listeners and go i'm gonna stop i'm gonna tune out from the audio because they just they're only doing this for the video viewers. No, but that's not true because some of these things are great on – some things, some of the jokes, like the stuff that we do on Bad Friends sometimes, I think the audio of it is better than the video of it because it's all about what game we're playing or what bit we're doing. And then with this, I think it's just so – I think people have used this medium now as this is TV. Okay. Yeah.

Where, where my aunt loves like daytime soaps. This is the next generation's soaps. Daytime soaps of like, I have so many people that hit me up online. Fans that are like, dude, I love just putting it on in the background because they'll be walking around the house doing shit so they can hear the audio. But sometimes they'll check in and watch the video. I'm trying to think that's how I do it too. If I'm watching Rogan, I'll just have it on my phone in my pocket. Be honest with me. Have you been listening to him

since he did the jump? I'm very, I actually was like, no, don't do this. Don't do that. Don't do that. I will tell you. I just listened to Stan Hope. I listen when it's, I mean, I don't listen to the, like, Cameron Haynes. Like, I don't go out of my way to listen to, like, a hunter talk about skinning a deer for two hours. Why not?

I mean, I'm just sharing because I don't want to i'm not masturbating right now i'm taking 30 days off um are you really no i'm not gotta be great if you were you could use it i don't masturbate that much yeah you do i swear i don't swear to god have not masturbated once a week once a what are we talking uh um no i i truly don't I've never used a sex toy. With alone. That's insane. I've never used one alone. I've never used one alone. You've never had a vibrator by yourself?

Never. Why? Don't get it. Don't know how to use them. Don't know where to start. I don't need another thing to charge. That's exactly what it is. Yeah.

I just. Apple needs to make a thing that just, it's just magnetic. It comes out of your hand when it needs to be charged and snaps at the wall. I think that during the time that I was starting to masturbate, vibrators just were, like any sex toys were just giant dicks with veins in them. They were so disgusting. They were always big. They were never appealing to me.

All these cute little pocket vibrators that you just put on your clit and have an orgasm at work. We didn't have those. But you have it now. I know, but I just never got, you know, I never. I guess. I just feel like just But you have it now. I know, but I just never got... I guess. I just feel like just jump in the pool now. But now I'm in this point where I'm like, if I order it online, it's going to be in my algorithm.

My assistant's going to see it. I feel like I can't even order it online. Just have a separate Amazon account so your assistant doesn't see. Just for my butt plugs? Just for your sex toys. Yeah, I don't know. That seems really dark. You know what?

You really want to make your assistant feel good about it? Send that person down to the sex store to love whatever it's called on santa monica and make them get all we did by the way do like a segment on the podcast for valentine's day and we like ordered all these sex toys which ones did you get and my dude was like you're bringing those home right and i was like no they were like props and it's like props props like that's so funny but hold on one thing yeah i've never used a sex toy alone masturbating i swear to god i i masturbated the most when tumblr was around because tumblr had porn yeah it was like people loved each other uh and that's kind of my kink no it was like i remember i watching porn on like pornhub or something. I get too distracted by the...

They had these 30-second porn pieces that were on a loop. Right. You know what I mean? It was like this on a loop. It's almost like a boomerang of porn. Yes, that's what I was going to do. Yes, it was like the wonderful loop of boomerang.

So it didn't get bad or boring. They didn't come and you're like, but I'm not done. You didn't have to stop it and be like, what's that bruise like have you watched porn with a significant other before yes i watched uh actually with the dude i'm dating now i mean i was pretty drunk how tall is he watched porn he's about my height so he's shorter than you like i think it depends on i i don't wear heels how about that we're wear heels. How about that? We're the same height. You're the same height.

We're the same height. I can't tease my hair up. I gotta just wear it flat. Has that ever, do you ever feel that way when you date a guy that's shorter than you? Do you ever like have to be conscious of your height? Do you slouch when you're around him sometimes? Yeah, you just have to stand like. Wide legged?

Yeah, you just have to. Every photo you take. Oh yeah, I have a whole thing. like it every photo you take but I don't honestly I used to be so uh just I know it's like I'm embarrassed about it I hate it it's fucking shallow and disgusting uh but having a guy that was shorter than me I used to never be into but now it's so there's he's so hot to me yeah because he's so competent he's like a vet like like Joe Rogan I don't like I would never be like he's shorter than me He's jacked as fuck. He's in great shape. Yeah. Yeah, like there are Jason Statham like shit like that Comes up to my waist. I'd be like, you know, so it's like if there are enough other things that are impressive height really doesn't matter

But I think that when I was in my 20s, no one in their 20s that was short was impressive. Yeah, but it was also like short guys don't want to date a tall girl when they're young because they feel self-conscious about it all the time. I don't know. I think they like it. They feel like climb a tree.

No, that's not true. My dude's a rock climber. I think he likes it. He's a rock climber and what else? And a vet and an animal vet? Yeah, critical care vet. This is a guy you made. This is the weird science.

This is weird science. You made this guy. He's a rock climber and he and a vet and an animal yeah critical care vet this is a guy you made this is like this is the weird science this is weird science you made this guy he's a rock climber and he's a vet and it's like all the little fucking things that you like i think you made this guy can i tell you have you um i want to see a photo of him before i know he's real uh where's the wait fuck where's my he's oh have you seen schitt's creek yeah we're ted and alexis he's a super hot nice competent vet and i'm just like a shallow hollywood asshole who's like yeah i agree like and he's just and the reason the way we met actually is so dan levy from schitt's creek is a friend of mine yeah he's awesome you know him i do know him um and uh and i go to the vet i didn't know he was gay though that really pissed me off when i found that out why i was fine with it i was fine with him as a friend and then when i found out he

was gay i was really upset. Okay. Because I completely disagree with that lifestyle and I don't know. What are you looking for besides your besides your conscience? You stealing my car keys now? No I'm taking a lighter. Can I have this? Of course. Thanks. I just don't have one in my purse. Show me this guy. I'm gonna show you this guy. Give me one fucking second. So I see him at the vet. Yeah show you this guy. Give me one fucking second. So I see him at the vet. Yeah.

He comes out. He's like the guy that when the dog's dying comes out, you know? He's the I'm telling you your dog's dead guy? He's the critical care guy. So my dog, no one could figure out what's going on, da-da, and then he saw my name on the thing, and he knows comedy, so he was like, this is Winnie Cummings' dog, and started looking. So he comes out.

So he was a fan? Not really, no. Come on. and he knows comedy so he was like this Winnie Cummings dog and started looking so he comes out so he was a fan not really no I was like he's like I've seen you once and I went to go see Anthony Jeselnik

and you were just on the show that makes sense that actually lines up perfectly I know so he actually has like encyclopedic knowledge of comedy knows way more than I do

but so I see him he comes out he's 31 I mean he's like he's young blood yes I'm 38 and he comes out and I was just, he was so hot that I couldn't, I wasn't like trying to date him. I just thought it was so funny that, uh, Dan and I always would fight about like, there

are no hot vets. Like this is not a real, like whatever. And then I was like, fuck. So I started secretly trying to take a picture of him as he was telling me my dog's diagnosis. And I was like, secretly like, I'm sorry, your dog has kids, ma'am. Are you taking a photo? He literally said that. He's like, are you taking a picture? I was like was telling me my dog's diagnosis and i was like secretly like just sorry your dog has kids ma'am are you taking a photo of me he literally said that he's like are you taking a picture i was like no no i'm doing a voice memo i just want to make sure i record everything you're saying and then so shitty dude and then he was like okay and then he walks away and his butt is wild because it's was he wearing padded underwear i know because i've seen it

before and it's it's from rock climbing or whatever. It's a great fish. He's got like a monkey butt that's like higher than the butthole. Like, it's very confusing. A monkey butt? He's got the tightest butthole I've ever... Why, are you trying to get in there? What do you mean? Well, no, it's like, you know, sometimes you kind of have to do that now. But his...

You don't have to. But a lot... Guys, I think all guys love it. Am I wrong? No, you're not wrong. It's only a matter of time. I think most guys like the tickle, yeah. It's only a matter of time before you have to put your finger in their asshole. And it's like,

it finally, I started realizing, okay, I need to do this. But his butthole was so, it was like, you know, when a sausage at the end of it, there's like a little metal thing around it. Yeah, to pinch it off. There's no way to get in. Okay. So that's him taking a splinter out of my foot. And I'll show you his rock climbing, but yeah, he is very attractive. You swipe right or left. I think I said, yeah, he is very attractive. You swipe right or left, I think I said. Yeah, he is very attractive. And he like cooks for me. He's just like hilariously...

Got nice arms too. Wonderful, I know. Great beard, great hair. Rock climbing. Nice nose. I also thought rock climbing... Wow, he's a good looking guy. I thought rock climbing was like for losers.

Or like... I thought it was like surfing. I thought it was like... It's so hard to do. Yeah, what do you mean? So is surfing. Surfing is so hard to do too. Or to be good at for that matter. I know, but it's like... I just. Yeah, what do you mean? So is surfing. Surfing is so hard to do, too, or to be good at, for that matter. I know, but it's like, I just mean like.

You're using every muscle in your body. The amount of effort that goes into this. This motherfucker is just hanging from the ceiling most of the time. By his, by his, by like the tips of his hands. Yeah, no, and he's, let me show you this. Are you going to build him some sort of rock climbing thing in your home? I got it already, yeah. Yes, that was his Valentine's Day gift.

I knew you would. I got him. I fucking know you saw. I was like, in my mind, I'm already seeing you laying out this amazing rock climbing wall just for this dude in your home. Yeah, I have to make it so that,

yeah, it is a bad idea to encourage climbing. I don't want him to escape the premises. But yeah, no, but he was always going to this climbing gym in Long Beach, and I know there's hot chicks there, so let's just build one here so we don't get cheated. Long Beach is so far away

to go to rock climbing. Look at this. He's like upside down climbing with his fingers. Yeah, it's wildly impressive to me. I am the opposite of you. I find it so fucking incredible. Once I saw him do that, I was like, this is the hottest shit I've ever seen. I didn't, you know what it was? Like, it's almost

like you don't want to see someone stand up you're dating in case they suck. Like, with the rock climbing, I was like, I don't really know what this is. And then I saw he's like, he used to be like sponsored. He's like amazing at it. See, this is kind of like, and why do they all name Alex? You know, Alex Honnold is the guy that climbed, you know, what is it? El Cap or whatever.

That's right. Look at this. This is like a flat surface. Also, once I see these guys do this too, I think about them differently. Do you know what I mean by that? Like I'm like, oh, you're very technical. You're very good with your mind because this whole thing is just as mental as it is physical, right? Like they say this all the time.

I guess these rock climbers are like you have to be really balanced in your brain to have the patience because I know you and I, we're falling. We're falling. By the way, and your tolerance for pain also has to be wild. And yeah, I've never seen anything like it. And then the holds, I mean, it's... They're this big. They're this big. Yeah. And their whole body.

And here's the problem, though. Their skin needs to be dry. What? Oh, their hands. Always. And calloused. Yeah. So I remember the first time he came over

and I was, they don't want to really finger you. Yeah, because it probably, it'll make their, I mean my pussy's pretty dry at this point. I was just gonna say. When you open your legs, it's a hold. It's a rock climbing hold for him. It feels perfect. He's climbing on

top of you. It feels like a boulder. It's just dry as a boulder. It's perfect. But yeah, because I remember the first time we went swimming, like outside my house, he would do this with his hands. Like he wouldn't get his hands wet in the water. Oh, it's like that. Yeah, no, he can't get his hands wet like ever. But is he like a professional? And he goes to bed at night with like stuff that he puts on his fingers to dry it. All right, see this is a little much. I like the guy, but that's, come on. But then because talking about? But then, because if it's too wet, when you're doing it,

your skin will rip open. So it has to be really dry. It's like a whole thing. I'm such a bitch. I'd wear gloves. I'd be like, fuck it, I'll just wear a grip gloves or whatever like that.

Dude, how wild is that? Yeah, that's a fucking vertical surface. I don't understand. What I don't get is, when I see that stuff, yeah, when I see that stuff, to me, my mind goes, that's another way to get hurt.

And it's gonna fuck up my life, you know? Well, you'll come and fuck around on the rock climbing wall at my house. I'm gonna try. It's if you like it. But is there a harness thing that if I fall, I won't get hurt? The one that we got is the,

that I got, let's be clear, the moon board. Has he moved in, by the way? Basically. Okay. Basically, my house is under. So this is like elevated at this point. I mean, I am at the point, like with my, I'm so sorry.

I don't know what all that is. With my behavior and how off the rails and unhinged I got with the pandemic and then COVID and then the edibles. Like he saved my life so many. I'm at the point where I actually do not think I can survive without him. Do you know what the craziest thing that I just thought of? The night that I contracted COVID, I was at your house. And the night that, hold on, the night that Santino went to wash his hands and the soap went directly into his fucking eye.

Into my fucking eyeball. You know what's so crazy? You should sue Dr. Bronner, dude. 100%. Dr. Bronner. Dr. Bronner, if you're listening right now, you fucked my shit up for like 45 hours. It happened to my friend Alex Themopolis like two weeks later. Not a real name.

She's an incredible chef. Google her. She's the prettiest person. Oh, I've seen her on your page. She's the most gorgeous person on the planet. She did the same fucking thing. She was cooking for our Thanksgiving and it's just like literally she's like, I think I have to go to the hospital.

Like this. It's worse than dial soap or Clorox. Oh, by far. People that are listening, to give you context, what happened was I went to wash my hands because we were being COVID safe. We were all outside, and I said, I'm going to wash my hands, and then I'm going to go grab something from the fridge. So I'm in the kitchen by myself, and Whitney's got her soap, Dr. Bronner's soap shit on the side. But the soap has congealed out of the tip, right? You know when it clogs up. So when I went to

hit it, the congealed part of the soap angled it, and it hit me right in the fucking eye. And I don't mean near the eye, I mean in my fucking eyeball, coated my eye, and immediately I was like, oh, help! And I was splashing my eye for no less than an hour, and it

still didn't come out. I've got that shit in my eye, you truly just start to pray. I was like, God, please don't let me go blind. It's so bad. You start to pray. It was burning and it burnt up into my eyebrow. Cause that had gone into my eye so deep that like above my eyebrow hurt, this hurt up here. It's supposed to be all natural. So it makes no sense. Dude, your eye was like bleeding. you had like a stigmata coming out it was so bad and i was like this is i honestly was like okay and my brain went like can you sue someone if they don't if they don't work for you if they get hurt on your premises like see i like am i gonna pay for this like i just feel i was i'll pay for the funeral i thought of say something

nice and pay for my funeral i was so upset and then of course then five days later i had found out that i got covid, which is insane. But you got it from that. So the person. OK, so you guys came to my house. We were all hanging out outside. It was like me, you, Annie, Tim, Dylan. So I was with Chris DiStefano.

Chris DiStefano. And his good buddy, Don DiPetta, who I just met, who I literally just had met. Who works at, who's in Atlanta at one of the clubs, right? His father owns the Punchline. Nice. And he's a comic. And I just literally met him, and I love the dude. I was like, oh, this guy's great.

We hung out. We went to your house. We hung out in the backyard. We were outside. We were distanced. And then, of course, I still got it. I still got it from him. The weirdest thing was he called me the next day and was like.

That's when he found out he had had it? No, he said, I'm hung over. And I was like, well, you did drink way too much. Yeah. And then two days later, he was like, still hung over. And I was like, not a real thing. People said I'm hung over and I was like well you did drink way too much. Yeah. And then two days later he was like still hung over and I was like not a real thing. People don't get hung over for two days like unless you're unless you were doing something else. Unless you do the kind of edibles I've been doing. He wasn't doing anything. He was just drinking and I was like he didn't do coke.

He didn't do we didn't take another. Do people still do coke? People of course people do coke. Coke is never gonna go away. I know but I like do we know people that are on it? You don't have to name names. I'm just curious. Yeah. Really? Yeah, we do. We definitely do. Really? Yeah, are you kidding? Do you think cocaine would be a good drug for me? I've only licked it once.

You would definitely not do good on coke. Yeah, I don't think so. It's too much of an upper. I'm the same way. Why would I want coke? But I do love Adderall. I used to- Coke is Adderall, but it's more-

I used it to write my book, and I could not have- I was like, dude, this is how I should feel all the time. I liked it too much. Well, then maybe you would would like coke but coke is more of a conversational party drug Adderall's like you can be alone in your house and just if you do coke alone you're in trouble you want to socialize you just want to be in a thing yeah you want to be Adderall's like uh you can take an Adderall sit in your room for fucking four days can you fuck on coke or no I mean guys can't come on coke that's neither I couldn't come, I couldn't come on, um, uh, edibles. Well,

sometimes, I've been so high where I couldn't function. Between him not fingering me and me being on edibles. What was happening? And no sex toys in the house. Just staring at each other.

Wait, by the way, I'm gonna get you guys sex toys because I can't have this anymore. This is insane that you don't, you did not use them. But, but, but I,

okay. With your partner, you've never used them together? I have, like, with guys when they want to bring in, like in dildos and butt plugs and stuff. No, no, no. What is the butt plug for?

Is that for the man or the woman? Could be for either. But when you put a butt plug in, is the idea that your vagina is smaller inside and they hit it with their dick? We can feel it when we're in there. Yeah, it feels kind of nice. So that's kind of the point, right? In our mind, it feels like there's another dick in there.

And it's like, hey, buddy. No, you know what I'm into, though? I'm not into the butt plug stuff but you know what i love there is these um these uh silicone cock rings silicone cock rings with with clip vibrators on them so by the way if if this guy i've been dating for a year gives me a ring and it ends up being a cock ring and not an engagement ring that's the only ring you should give a woman fuck you don't you don't need jewelry you have it here's a cock ring and a nuva ring like every ring every ring except an engagement ring.

Except engagement. Yeah, the cock ring. So you put it on your dick. And it vibrates, and it has the clit stimulator on it, which is, it's so dope. But why, but my clit's on the outside, so your dick just stays on the outside? No, listen. Okay. Attached to it is like this, facing this way, is a splayed clit stimulator.

It goes to your balls. It goes all the way up to your balls. It goes all the way up to your balls. It goes all the way down my shaft. So when I'm all the way in, so if I'm all the way in, it's stimulating, and then when I take it out, it's gone, and then it comes back. So it's like a repetitive motion. Huh. Yeah, I'm teaching you. But if you're

stimulating the clit and you pull away and come back, it's like... No, no, no. You can't get any momentum. Yeah, but you know what you do? You let it sit there for a while. Your wife is faking it.'s been sorry for a long time so sorry to have to say this she's not even my wife that's even a bigger fact dude psych out no when you leave it in for a while vibrating cock ring just do just do clit stimulating cock ring clit stimulating cock ring my algorithm is about to get real dark don't you think they love honey vibrating penis ring let me see show me the picture of it. Just give me one second.

Well, okay, yes, but there's another one that's more splayed. It's more up. In fact, Durex. Splayed? What does that even mean? Well, come on. You're intelligent. I don't know what splayed means. Splayed means like up, open, and big. Like splayed out when you splay out something. Oh, spread out. Look up Durex. Durex. The company Durex that makes condoms. They make the one that I bought. And I'm telling

you, since I bought it, it's revolutionary. It's incredible. incredible. Because look, if you let it sit in there for a while, then she gets to come at least once instead of just for sure once. The difference is, if I can... Wow. But you know all vaginas are not the same. Completely different. Most women need clitoral

stimulation to come. Correct. So few people know that. Well, most guys are... I've only had inside orgasms. The ones that are just inside with no hand help, I can probably tell you. I can count on my hand how many girls I've met over the course of my life, whether they're friends or girls I've dated, that can come from insertion, and it's extremely slim.

It's extremely. Or they're liars. It's also, it's just, it's, it's, or they're liars. Yeah. Um, I mean, there are women. Um. Fact. You said it, and I promoted it. I can only come that way that I know of on top of the like sitting on a chair on top of the guy

and it is always on top and it is so ugly what you have to see it's just like don't fucking move and these beastly tits just swinging my fucking crocodile eye just looking at you.

Like, it's so like, I get when guys, when you're like going down on a guy or something and they just like fucking put your head, they're just like, do something that like needs to happen that's so degrading. Pressure. It's pressure. You just have to, don't fucking move. Yeah. It's like the same thing with that because it's so, if you, the slightest move is going

to make it go away. Yeah. When you're building that momentum on the inside. It's just too, it's so um if you the slightest move is gonna make it go away yeah when you're building that momentum on the inside it's just too it's so hard to do and then um yeah okay so the it goes on his so it hits do you have to hold yourself there so that it yeah if you hold in deep and then you move around a bunch oh so you don't pull out and come back oh you can and make it fun and make it last longer okay i'll send you a video I'll send you a video. We'll send you a video. I'm going to say, babe, can you send the video? Can you do a boomerang for me? I'm going to say. That's the only porn I ever got, like, was into.

Babe, can you send me the video? So it's like one of these. Is it clear? I'm going to send it to you right now. I'm going to find it. Does it ever get stuck in your pubes? I don't have, I trim enough where it's nice and short. And I used to not trim that much.

And now I like, I got to keep it close. I like to keep it trim close. It's for me. It's for me. I look down and I don't like it when it's really, really shaggy. And also dicks look bigger when it's shaved, right? Not really. You'd think it's going to, but it doesn't as much as you'd want it to. I just don't like pubes in my teeth. But our

dicks look bigger when, honestly, some days, guys will tell you this, some days you just feel like it's bigger and I think it is. Oh, dude. Some days I'm like, it is bigger. My tits are a different size every day. I'm sure it is.

And then the pube shaving, sometimes it doesn't matter at all when I shave. It doesn't make a big difference. Interesting. In fact, sometimes when you trim too much, it shows all the flaws. The only thing I don't like is when the – I'm fine with hair on everything, but when the hair on balls sometimes looks like a Japanese samurai beard... You gotta trim your ball hair. Like, when it's long and soft.

I actually prefer the coarse, nasty one. Oh, yeah. Sometimes ball hair is like the cat on that... The Cheshire Cat? Yeah, like, it's just soft and wispy. Yeah, gross. That's disgusting. Mine's sharp as a nail. Yeah, when it's hard... My wispy. Yeah, gross. That's disgusting. Mine's sharp as a nail.

Yeah, when it's hard... My bald hair is hard and out and angular. I wanna have rug burn on my fucking upper lip. Like, when it's soft, it's like, oh, did you get like a straightening? Brazilian straightening? You know, one time I... Some guys' pubes are super straight. I used my sister's Nair one time and I put it on my nutsack. Did it work?

It was the worst pain I've ever experienced. Yeah. Because it burns. You used Nair when you were young. So when you were done coming, you wash it off. Yeah, exactly. I used Nair. It never worked for me. It was on legs. It was like too coarse or I'd gotten patient or something. Cause my sister used it when she was very young. We had Nair all over the house. And I remember the smell of it was horrific. It stunk so bad. And then I thought maybe I'll try just on my balls. And I tried it one time. Terrible fucking idea. I did it on my mustache one time and went to school and had like a red mustache.

Like, we've all been there. Wait, what do you do now? Now, I, well, I'm Manscaped.com. No, I lasered my entire body. I have not lasered my mustache. I didn't think I had one until my lover, 31-year-old lover, told me I did. Because I have a big, like, random coarse hair coming out of my chin and it gets ingrown and I make him pluck it for me.

And he was like, should I get your mustache too? And I was like, excuse me? Heavy, heavy. Don't offer. Don't offer. Excuse me? Don't offer. And he's like, you fully have a mustache.

And I was like, how dare you? It looks like that rock climbing wall is maybe not being erected this week. But yeah, so I just shave. I just do a little shave with a little thing. You really do? You shave? Yeah, I really do use the Manscaped nose trimmer. What does it cost to laser your whole body?

You really did head to toe? I've done my, yes, I've done literally the hair on my big toe. Literally to my toe. Because the black hairs on my toe are just so fucking gross. I did my legs. But you have to go back for like six sessions. So I did it when I was like in my 20s with this laser thing that wasn't quite perfected yet. So it kind of started coming back like Smithers hairs, like two long ones, you know what I mean? Like ankle ones.

They didn't get it all. And then I want to say four years ago, I did five more sessions with the laser that just like kind of squeezes like that. And it doesn't hurt as bad wait it physically like yeah it like squeezes it's like a hand doing this but it's a laser you have to do it five times um and then uh what else i do my butthole my vagina my my pubic like kind of every now and then like a new thing will spring up but i'll just shave um my armpits uh and you know what i didn't seem like you're hairy. This is so weird.

I'm not super hairy. It's just like, I mean, it's enough to want to get rid of. It's not like giant, I don't look like a bonobo ape, but it's just like, you know when you sweat? It's just gross. Yeah, I know, but I feel like you didn't have hair at one point anyway, and you feel like powder to me. I mean, thank you, but I have, I mean, my arms are my arms are not really yeah you're not a hairy arm person either yeah it's

only from my knee down because you're ocd it's because you have to you you're like a little too much you need to get you need to be like perfectly clean and it needs to be like all solid and one and yeah and i think that when i was dating the wrong guys i thought that that shit mattered like the right person doesn't give a fuck if your pussy stinks doesn't give a fuck if your pussy stinks, doesn't give a fuck if you have pubes, doesn't give a fuck if your asshole has hair on it. Like I think in my 20s

I was like, I have to look like a porn star and I have to bleach my asshole and I have to shave everything. Like my dude is like, when I stink, he's like, you stink.

Like he like wants to smell my armpits. Like he loves it. Every guy will tell you they like a little bit of stink. He loves it. It's kind of hot. You know?

And then he'll be like, let me pluck your eyebrows. Like he's, we're like little fucking monkeys and all the things I used to like get rid of your eyebrows like he's we're like little fucking monkeys and all The things I used to like get rid of for guys He's like you have a giant hair coming out of this mold like can you get it like it's hot So well, I think when you like somebody you you kind of like the gross things. So doctor he knows

What how the body works and he knows that I'm covering it up with perfume What does he feel like about your house of chaos with dogs? Is it too much even for him because when I come over it's with perfume. What does he feel like about your house of chaos with dogs? Is it too much even for him? Because when I come over, it's like, is this a fucking, is this a movie set? I feel like this is like a Disney movie, 30 fucking dogs.

This one bites, that one barks, this one's blind. Like, does he like that or is he annoyed because he's like, when I'm off work, I don't want to be at work again. Dude, he is, you know, we'll see. It's been a year, so we'll see if the things that he now finds like fun and charming and adventurous. Like when we started texting, I would take Lunesta, get hammered, text him at like three in the morning. This was during COVID, dude.

And when I was like, none of us are ever going to work again. Remember that? When we were like wiping down groceries and we literally were like. I was like, the world is over. We never get to do stand up again. I was? When we were wiping down groceries and we literally were like, we never, I was like, the world is over. We never get to do stand-up again. I was just throwing grenades.

He would come over, we'd have the crazy, I was like, oh, this guy's just like an adrenaline addict. He's into it. And I'm,

his last girlfriend was older than me. I think he just, he grew up in a sort of unconventional, He loves old hags, is what you're saying. He's into old, crazy, gray gardens bitches.

He thinks it's funny and entertaining like he loves solving problems like that's his drug he's analytical he's he just loves solving problem like if there's a i'll be like and i can never find my phone or my keys and he gets to find them and you know like he likes it it's like a scavenger hunt it's like it's like you're it's like he he likes uh geriatric people and you're the closest to it yes not physically but mentally you're like an old person he want like his ultimate uh uh dream i guess is to be a live-in nurse and he got it he's like a half babysitter half father like and he finds all of the my idiosyncrasies and chaotic pathological psycho behavior like he just finds it entertaining you know but for how long until

the edible thing he's like this isn't cute this and then he was like enough of the bullshit yeah but everything else like he's just he finds it entertaining and funny and he never saw me before the pandemic when i was like sane and had my shit together so this is all he really knows has he seen you live do stand-up no yes that one time when he came to see anthony but not since but i mean since then no no now that since he's been inside of you it's different now. Now he's going to be, now it's going to be totally different. Well, now that he sees that like 90% of my new jokes are about him, he might. And they have to be.

Yeah, they have to be. So, so what? What now? He's just so normal. Like he's just so like nothing phases him. He doesn't get pissed off. He like dogs. He deals with dying dogs.

He deals with people at their worst all day. People whose dogs are dying. You know, my dog, He has to put down dogs. Like, he's just like, I'm like a walk in the park for him. So he's Kevorkian to dogs. He puts down the dogs. He's like, yeah, Doggy Houser. A doctor, a doggy, a doctor Doggy Kevorkian.

I just said Doggy Houser. He's like Doggy Houser. I have a, kill myself, please. That just for some reason made me think of that show, the one where the kid plays an autistic doctor What is that called? I'm talking about makes me laugh every time I see it like I know it's called like Newport News or something It's like the name of a town. Yeah, what it was on it was he yeah every time I see that kid

I feel I laugh so hard South Park. It's a called something wild second and the surgeries going well I'm like how long could this last? But also, why was he allowed to play an autistic character on that TV show and then Sia made a movie about the autistic girl

who had sort of more ostensible, Sure. And it got destroyed. Or people, I mean, Not enough stuff is ever gonna make sense.

Yeah. What do you mean? The amount of people that did blackface 15, 20 years ago that are exempt from getting in trouble for it it just if they pick and choose who they want to get mad at yeah and also it's like when when

you know jimmy fallon did it on snl or whatever uh it's i have that picture on my phone because i think it's so funny it's only his fault it's not the writers it's not the directors it's not the eps of the show and all the people they're like yes do it do it right he didn't have the power to say i'm not doing this anyway. No, I'm a 24-year-old guy on this show that I can't believe I'm on. Yes, I'm gonna do it.

And it's also not always the cast's ideas. They have writers that come up with ideas and then they pitch it to the person who's like the most famous at the time

and you're not gonna say, no, I'm not gonna do this. Dude, in Tropic Thunder, Downey Jr. went full blackface and then they did, the quotes from that movie, like you never go full retard. But he was in blackface on purpose in the movie,

right? Sure, but what's the difference at some point? People could still get mad at that. It's just such a fucking good movie, because no one wants to come for Downey. Yeah, you can't. You know, he already had his comeback. He's just like, he's like, okay, I'm Iron Man. I talked about him on stage. He like, beat a hooker up in Palm Springs and was doing coke and the cops caught

him and now he's Iron Man and you're like, he's okay. Also specific, you're making me think of like dramatic actors get a pass because we respect them more. Comedians, we're just waiting for them to fuck up. Everyone's like a fucking gargoyle sitting on a stoop just waiting to get them. It's like, you know, we're the people with the lowest self-esteem in the world. And the most issues, the most mental health issues. We are the most mentally ill, unloved as children people.

And you guys, let's fucking cancel them because they made a joke that didn't work. It's like, dude, all we do is try to entertain you and get love from you. Right. It's like,

I was thinking about this the other day when people started coming for romantic comedies because they are like stereotypes and the women don't have whatever.

Like, coming for romantic comedies creating misogynist, unrealistic expectations about love, and they're all about... You know the people that write movies in Hollywood are the most unloved nerds that never had a relationship like this? They've never been in...

No one's ever loved them, and they're just writing what they think love is like, and it just happens to be completely unrealistic because they don't have experience with it. Anybody that's really in love with a healthy love relationship couldn't write it well. Exactly. They wouldn't be able to write that well.

It'd be impossible. The reason they're writing unrealistic movies is because they've never experienced it themselves and they're just trying to make their parents proud of them. Right, because happy people that are actually in love and doing well in life, they'd be like, why would I write a movie? There was also a time where movies

were different than documentaries. Totally. And we could go like oh this is fake right now they're one in the same now everything basically is a documentary reality show movie yeah it's all the blendedness you're right actually when a clown comes to your party and makes a balloon animal dog you don't try to feed the dog you know it's a fake dog yes what we're saying that's why it's a joke, but the fact that you made it a dog and not another animal, and that's why people are upset.

Why a dog? That's the root of it. Why the dog? Why wouldn't you make a cat? And why is the dog the go-to for the clown, see? You just want to fight. See? You want to fight.

But that's what it is. But then go to your fight club. You came to the clown show. But we've become their fight club. Go watch MMA. It's weird people coming to comedy shows to wait for you to fucking slip up or something now. When did this become a fucking...

It's more Twitter. I've thought about just deleting Twitter because it's worthless. But Twitter's not real. Do you even sell tickets off Twitter, do you think? I don't know. I highly doubt it. That's a really good question.

I've thought about just deleting it and going, I wonder if I'll ever... It'll hurt me from promoting shows and shit like that on the road. It took me...

I took about four years off Twitter the exact amount of time that it was, like, so politically charged because I was like, I don't want to talk about politics

and all anyone cared about was politics and I'm not going to pick a side and I'm not going to get involved and I'm not going to be one of these, like, cheap comedians that uses like when people like retweeted

trump and like fuck you asshole it's like he didn't see this you're not brave right for reaching i would retweet him and be like that's my guy dude 2024 that's funny yeah that's why but no one would have gotten it but it's like people using politics to just like get ephemeral attention and these like ego hits of Trump's a fucking asshole. You know you're just giving him free press and you're helping him. Yeah, he loves it. He loved getting retweeted by comedians.

That was the coolest thing we could have ever done. We are fully why he got elected. Dude, it is my fault. The roast of Donald Trump, I was there. We did it. We were all involved. You did good, too. I actually didn't do that well in the room.

Really? I didn't do that great. I thought that was good. I thought that whole roast was really good that one like the joan rivers one i absolutely did great yeah the the house of one the trump one had a weird vibe because it was in new york right it was in like one of his hotels with all his people normally the roasts are packed with comedy people right comedians like it took a second i also did open with saying that um he his dick didn't work or something. Like, I did open with a bunch of stuff I wasn't supposed to say. Yeah. But, yeah, that roast, it was Anthony Jesselnik's first roast, and he fucking, that was amazing.

I put him on the map. Yeah, he was amazing on that roast. But, yeah, I mean, you know, I think it was Ron Funches that was, and I were talking about this, and he was saying, like, yeah, like, comedy helped, I mean, you know, I think it was Ron Funches that was, uh, uh, and I were talking about this and he was saying like, yeah, like, like comedy helped him. It made him an underdog. Yep. It made him an outsider. Yep.

It made him non-Hollywood. But then he used comedy himself. He'd make fun of stuff in such a comedic fashion. The reason I was so enthralled in this guy is because when he would do public speeches, I was like, oh, he's doing a set. Like a lot of times it was like he was doing a fucking set truly he would say stuff that i'm like a comic would do that i even have a thing i mean come for me call me q anon but here to zoom in on her i'm saying i i fully think that he like misspelled his tweets on purpose for sure what do you mean i

totally agree with that oh i think he knew exactly what he was doing because then all the Hollywood elitists would be like, he can't even fucking spell. And then my aunts in Virginia and West Virginia are like, okay, yeah, that's great. That means that he doesn't have

someone writing his tweets for him. He's authentic. He's real. We can't fucking spell either. This is aspirational. It was super calculated. Yeah, everyone fucking makes mistakes.

But here's what I think it was. Sorry you didn't go to fucking Harvard, you pedophiles. Like, that's what they say. So all the things that we kept trying to, like, we, I was out of it, that these fucking

fake, woke, performative activists on Twitter were like, you can't even fucking spell. It's like, okay. I know what he did, though. By the way, but you can? You washed up actress? That now is a fucking leader of the trans movement? Even though, like, what?

Who are you talking about? I'm not sure. I just conflated a couple people. Yeah, there was two people I think you crossed wires with. On purpose, because I think if I kept going, you would know exactly what I was talking about. I think I have a hint. No, what he did was, I know he would put out a tweet,

and then someone would go, oh, sir, something spelled wrong. He's like, put it out. I think that's what it was, is he was into the idea of the flaws because he loves lighting fires. Someone like him... But he knew that it would get him so much press and all... He knows it doesn't matter what they're

saying as long as they're talking about you, and the more that the elitist left came after him, the stronger he got and the more everyone defended him. So he's like, yeah, come for me. And that roast, I remember I went on and I... It was pretty brutal. I mean yeah brutal and i came off and what you always do afterwards is you go like hey i hope you're not mad like i thank you

for being such a good sport and i came off a little bit like because like i pissed larry king off bad and he wasn't happy was he really yeah he was shitty about it i mean he's dead rest in peace larry but he died no i know uh uh i years ago, but I think it was just an episode. Finally they shut the machine off. We just got around to it. We finally... They're like, Larry, we're gonna have to unplug you this month. We finally were like, oh, this has been the sequel to Weekend at Bernie's for the past four years. So

it was like a weird vibe. It wasn't like the fun, gregarious vibe. Geraldo wasn't there. There was kind of a lot... Lisa Lampanelli had just taken a hiatus and was just back. And she had lost all this weight. But all the jokes were still, you're fat. And they didn't.

So everyone was like, fuck. It was just like they weren't landing. Right. And it was like, all you do is fuck black guys. But she was married to a white guy. So it was like a lot of the jokes were just hitting awkward. The situation from Jersey Shore was there. I remember that.

That was like his set was just like wildly uncomfortable. But kind of cool how bad it was. Yeah, it was pretty good. It was so fucked up that I was like, ooh, I'm loving how bad this is. My biggest laugh on a roast ever, and I hate to say, I mean, I'm exaggerating, but my biggest probably laugh on that was when he said something. He did a really horrible joke towards me, and nobody laughed, and it cut to me, and I just was like... I was like clapping for him.

Good for you. I literally was like, keep cheering him on, and I was being serious, like trying to... Oh, you were being... I was trying to send him like a thing and good luck i know like just like like a mom sending their child a nightmare you're gonna do it buddy but um yeah so i don't i forgot where we're going the vibe of the the john oh and then i got off of stage walked up to donald trump and i just was like hey i hope you know i just called his wife a whore and a hooker and i said his dick didn't work and that all his fucking businesses failed and his hotels

fucking were covered in cum or whatever. And then he just went, great television. Smart. Great television. He's so right. Man, that motherfucker was right. Great television. He's right. He's like, come for my dick all you want. See, that's the thing about that guy that people won't admit. He was the biggest TV star.

He was so good at TV. Dude, The Apprentice was the biggest show on TV. But I mean, The Presidency was the greatest television show he's ever done. He did four seasons of probably the best show you'll ever see on TV. That was so, dude, The Apprentice was the biggest show on TV. But I mean, the presidency was the greatest television show he's ever done. He did four seasons of probably the best show you'll ever see on TV. And some of the most badass shit he did

was not showing, remember when he wouldn't go to the debates? Because he was like, oh, they need me more than I need them. Gangster. I'm their fucking ratings. That was so crazy.

What president didn't show up to debate? Yeah, I don't want to go. He knew, me not showing up is so much more powerful than me showing up. And that's all anyone fucking talked about. I know.

He wasn't there and he was the headline. So that being said, we have a, there's a website right here to donate to Trump 2024. Whitney and I are going to donate. Okay, I'm now canceled. It's fine. Shut up. I might as well not dye my hair back. No, you know what?

The idea that people can't admit of how chaotically brilliant the whole thing was is is what's annoying about our time period especially the people who underestimate like i didn't get i think that like the left is so fucking impressed with themselves and how smart they are yeah and under assuming anyone that doesn't behave or believe what they believe is stupid yeah that's why i did roseanne like i know that's old news but like this narrative that that hollywood which i'm largely i feel like getting extricating myself slowly but surely we ate all the babies there's no there's no they got new babies there's no babies left to fuck like i just i feel like the jig is up so i'm gonna leave hollywood we're out of Adrenochrome. I don't know what happened to D.O. They're making more, baby.

They're making more. Ask Lil Dicky for me. Yeah, he's got it, for sure. Sorry, as I extricate, Hollywood and I have never really agreed because there is just this, these Harvard guys, it's like just because you're poor, you're stupid. Yeah. And I have lots of family members that are – some people in the red states are some of the smartest, most sagacious people I know.

They just happen to have blue-collar jobs. Like there's just this association that if you don't live in L.A. or New York, you're dumb. Well, that's why there's this big break. That's why people don't like each other right now. People are so – and it's so out there because of the internet, how people feel feel that it's just like it's so much more fuel for this weird fire that no one really started but I don't I don't know how well no I got in a

conversation about this with Neil Brennan about he was like no no no the internet was such a secret like it was like a silent bullet like he was like we didn't know when it got shot that it was actually gonna fuck everything up you just thought it was like this could be harmless this could be great well because the beginning we were just tweeting about our smoothies and our bagels yeah and then slowly but surely it was

like photos of avocado toast and then and then all of a sudden it's russian box and now you're like who made that avocado yeah who made it became that it really became this like sad sick world and i think now however the i'm also a big defender of the internet because not me here's the thing comedians nightmare we will complain about fucking anything okay like by the way cancel culture I believe is what it is because comedians won't stop fucking talking about it it's not we amplify this well but the only people that make it exist truly are the one the people that that cancel I know but comedians, we will complain about hot pockets. Okay, like there is sugar cookies. You stepping on Jim Gaffigan there?

I love Jim Gaffigan. I'm just saying, there's nothing we can, big fan, there's nothing we can't complain about. I just didn't want to be a narcissist and reference something. But there's nothing we won't complain about

or have exaggerated emotional reactions to, which is why we're comedians. We fucking blow shit out of a portion and make it funny. We can complain about a fucking soda bottle for 30 minutes and make it funny. And I think that with cancel culture, whatever, consequence culture is not what it's called. Is it really?

We even changed that. Someone called, yeah. We canceled cancel? Cancel. You have to cancel cancel because you can't say cancel. No, because a white man came up with the word cancel. That's exactly right. We did.

We came up with all the words. But you know that I'm so, I'm working on a bit about, actually about like mansplaining and like how, it's just, I don't know, just how mad we are at white men. It's like, okay, they also invented like antibiotics and airplanes.

Like let's just focus on some of the good things they've done, please. Like let's not get them to quit because they know. Have you heard Burr's bit about that? No. About how women have come along for the ride the whole time

but now they're mad because they didn't get their piece of the pie. That's funny. He's like, white women, you think you're exempt? But you made the pie. Just take mad because they didn't get their piece of the pie that's funny he's like white women you think you're you made the pie just take the piece so what you were that's the only thing you're good at is making pies he goes he goes what could you be mad about you were you own the bakery with us you're just mad like you're just mad because you didn't get the biggest piece of the pie that's a great metaphor i don't know he's doing that bit anymore that's a burbot but he was doing it for a while and i was like god that's such a good joke he's like white women you you're not

exempt from this white party this Oh, he did a whole thing on SNL. He did an SNL thing about it. He did that, but he didn't go deeply into it. I saw him do it a few times and I think he pulled back on it and then the SNL monologue that people got. See that thing that no one got mad about. No one was mad. No, no, nobody did. That one article was written about it.

Yes, because so that they can get more press. That's how they, the way that media gets paid is by putting something totally ridiculous out. We all fucking react to it like our monkey brains. Take it seriously. We validate it. Like we're participating in it, you know? So it's like the cancel culture thing.

Sorry, not cancel. 20, 22% of people are on Twitter. Of that, 2% generate 80% of the comments. It's such a small amount of people, but because it's so faceless, we're projecting our biggest fear on Twitter, of that 2% generate 80% of the comments. It's such a small amount of people, but because it's so faceless, we're projecting our biggest fear on it, which is, it's everyone, it's all my fans. Like, it's not. No one gives a shit. Right. So I'm gonna delete it.

This really is the summation of, I should just delete it. I've thought about it for so long. No, don't delete it. But what does it do? It doesn't mean anything. It doesn't do anything. You don't know, but what you put into it is what you get out of it, I think. Like, Tim Dillon is, like, putting his videos on there, and he's, I just can't tweet all the time about politics. It's just not my thing. Yeah.

I don't, like, I think the better way to do it is, like, I'll spend one day, I'll write, like, 15 jokes that are just kind of evergreen that would go on Twitter, and I put them in drafts, and every day I'll just, like, send. Open one of your drafts and read one that you shouldn't read. Go ahead. And we'll blank it out if it's too bad. Let's see. Let me see. Open one of your drafts. Let's see. And we'll blank it out if it's too bad. Let's see. Let me see. Open one of your drafts. Let's see what's in there.

And also, here's the other thing I'll say. I am so grateful for this cancel culture shit, not for the people that have lost their jobs unfairly, if that is what you guys associated with it. It makes comedians better and stronger. Sure. Because the more shit that's taboo, we talk about stuff that's taboo

and we say things you're not supposed to say. So the more things you put off limits, the funnier we get. Yeah. You know what I mean? I mean, that's very true. I mean because because it gives us more stuff to fuck with and it gives me it creates more tension the audience feels way more tension so if you go on stage and you're like hey you look like a tranny and i know and everyone goes ah we're not allowed to laugh

at that anymore like finally we get to you know and it's like yeah he said something offensive and that's what that's my job is to be dangerous and my job is not to make everyone love me it's it's to be kind of polarizing that one You've done that very well with his blue fucking hair by the way. That's polarizing that was the start for you Why do people I mean no you know what you know what the problem is with it is that men can't dye their hair You know what I don't know allowed to you. It's a thing Here's the other thing me exempt because I already have orange hair, but like a regular man can't do it That's why men are like what are you doing with the fuck a guy came up to me?

That I kind of know a little bit and he was like, you know the deal with blue hair, right? I was like what he's like, that's a huge anime porn It is yeah big time do like do like look in the camera and do like this do your do eyes up and tongue out No eyes up. Oh and then with the cross eyes. Yeah, exactly. What is that called? Don't worry about it Look in the camera and do it for the fans Everyone just lost their record. Damn it! Alright, read me a tweet that you're not supposed to read. Hold on, let me go to my drafts. Hold on. These are really bad.

These are terrible. These are really bad. If you can't just fight your stalker off at this point, maybe you don't even deserve to be famous. That's good! It's not a good joke. It's just that everyone I know is like, I have a stalker.

Everyone's got a stalker now because everyone's got a podcast and everyone's like, my stalker, my stalker, and I have to get security. And I'm like, if you, we're all like doing CrossFit. Like how, just like get a gun,

handle it. Like, because it's a new humble brag to like say that you have a stalker and you had to get security and you had to move to a different house and my stalker, my stalker. Most of these stalkers don't want to fucking kill you. They're schizophren and you had to get security and you had to move to a different house. I'm a stalker. I'm a stalker.

Most of these stalkers don't want to fucking kill you. They're schizophrenic. I've had them show up at my house. They're lovely. You call their mom. You send them back to Chicago. I just had one come to shows recently. She's like, she's 100 pounds.

Yeah. I have a stalker. I'm like, who is it? And they're like, it's just this kid. He's like 15. It's like, you can't fight that person? Well, for all those people that are looking to stalk Whitney, her address is right here. We'll put it right here. Yeah.

So there's a reason I didn't tweet that. It's not particularly funny. This is the phrase, give me a beat. The phrase, give me a beat, means two very different things for black and white people. Say it one more time. The phrase, give me a beat, means two very different things for black and white people. Because literally. For white people, it means a vegetable, a beet.

Give me a beet, please. Give me a beet salad. Can you give me a beat please give me a beat salad can you give me a beat it wasn't even music no drinking coffee on the toilet is as satisfying as coloring between the lines that was my other one it really is by the way when i'm drinking and shitting on the toilet i'm so gross i will drink coffee and shit at the same time and man does it feel good something about it is so satisfying oh this is not something the lgbtq community showed up hard for the black lives matter protest because they thought it was a parade yeah no there's a reason they got confused and thought it was a parade yeah that's good yeah no it's not there's a reason i didn't tweet that my uber driver just cut off my ride that really did happen it's not a joke i think sometimes when something is true that's happening that's so funny

everyone i feel like they will people won't believe me everyone's like you should tell That really did happen. It's not a joke. Sometimes when something is true that's happening that's so funny, I feel like people won't believe me. Everyone's like, you should tell that story on stage. I'm like, it'll sound fake. Because sometimes you say it and you're like, this is made up. Do you ever have a great story where you're like, fuck, no one will believe me because it sounds fake? Yeah. Yes, I've got a few of them where even if I've tried to do versions of them,

the only version of them that works is when I've lied about a ton of the details. Because if you tell the real truth in some of the stories... You have to tone it down a little bit sometimes. Yeah, it just feels so phony. If you ask me... Oh, these are not great. Oh, I started...

Oh, I have a couple Greta Thunberg ones that I should probably... Oh, hit some Greta ones. Yeah! I'm going to stay out of that. Right, hit some Greta ones. How dare you treat these people like... It was weird getting scolded by an 11-year-old. That was the wildest thing I think we had stay out of that. Right, hit some greater ones. How dare you treat these people like the... It was weird getting scolded by an 11-year-old.

That was the wildest thing I think we had to experience. Okay, so this is the other thing about... Who was the Canadian governor or the whatever president? Trudeau that did the blackface? Justin Trudeau, yeah. I have a lot of tweets about... It was so perfectly applied. There's no way that was the first time that he fucking did that shit, dude.

I've seen men put makeup on. The line on his hairline, it was perfect. Dude, the way guys put sunscreen on, they're just like, ready. Correct. There was like an eye line. There was a pulling of the lid. It was perfect. So that's what it is.

If you do blackface and it looks elegant and good, do you get a little bit of credit for that? I'm just saying this was not the first time. This was not his first rodeo with the blackface. So I was trying to do bits about it. It depends on how sloppily the blackface was applied. Some of them you're like, okay, he's never done that before. That was the first time. We can forgive him.

But this was like a consistent thing. His wife was helping him out. It was helping him. He had a liner and then a Sharpie and then the shoe polish. Like he had us. It was perfectly even and distributed. Well, give him some credit then. You know what I mean?

I'm just saying. This is a man that did it respectfully. He's like, if I'm going to do this, I'm going to look like a black person. Well, he might wear makeup regularly. A lot of guys wear makeup that do TV a lot and stuff like that. I feel like that's a very regular thing for certain men. That's interesting. I've seen some Hollywood guys that I won't mention that wear makeup on the regular.

What's wrong with that, though? I don't find anything wrong with it, but it's just weird that they don't want it out there. So I don't remember who I was talking to. I think it was someone on the podcast, too. Like, is a famous actor in some way and his dad doesn't respect him because he's like yeah you wear makeup for a living but he's like a famous you mean all of us like who is it but i don't think the average parent like knows their son is in like hair and makeup they're probably they probably just like oh he's on tv yeah but i don't think they know

that a professional is like applying they think they do it themselves like i don't know put on your clown makeup and your rosy nose get out there kid it's just funny the idea that like a dad comes for his son's like first like set visit and comes and just thinks he's gonna see his kid on camera and you're first stop in the makeup trailer with all these like brushes and shit he's like wait a second he's like what did you do in there bud yeah what's this i thought you were shooting a tv show why you put makeup on isn't that for women yeah what why were you in there, bud? Yeah, what's this? I thought we were shooting a TV show. Why are you putting makeup on? Isn't that for women? Yeah. Why were you in there? Were you saying hi to the girls? In fact...

Oh, it's like when guys do yoga to fuck chicks. Is that what you're doing? By the way, that is a theory that I've lived by for years, that men don't really like yoga at all. The only reason they do... Rogan does yoga, but he does like his own kind with a... He's a fucking... He's his own planet.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But guys that go to like traditional yoga classes, shut up're there to get laid always but what you don't know because guys don't like we don't like stretching but here's what you don't know is that when you come we're all farting you are you learn that the hard way you're like i thought i was gonna see a bunch of butts but i'm looking at butts with little why why hot yoga what is that even what's the difference yoga is just um was uh i mean in like be Bikram. Bikram was invented by a psychopath. I mean, this is a person that just had to turn the heat up so high that people got delirious. That's the only way that they would think something.

And he would manipulate them into sleeping with him. Yeah. Isn't that funny that we were still, like, we can't. It's also so dangerous. They canceled the guy, but then they were like, but the practice is so great. Because it's so addictive. It's addicts. I mean, anyone that's like, you know, addiction comes in so many ways.

People that are addicted to SoulCycle, that are addicted to fucking yoga. Like, it's all these little cults that pop up. Yeah, the people that are like, don't have a religion that becomes their religion, you know. Yeah, that's true. And the people that, I mean, those yoga people. Dude, I remember one time I went to a yoga class when I first moved here to fucking Equinox to some yoga class. And the LA people with yoga, they have their mat and their thing and one time I put my mat in some place

and this girl was like, this is where my mat goes. And I was like, aren't we yoga people? Aren't you supposed to be like chill? Dude, the most fucking road rage motherfuckers in the whole fool's parking lot are the ones that have a yoga mat under their excuse me, excuse me. They're angry. There's no calmness to that.

Yeah, it's like, dude, smoke a joint. Like, get a new addiction. This one's not working. It's not making you cooler. And yeah, so the Bikram is like super wet, and I think you don't actually exercise. It's supposed to make you be able to stretch deeper, which you can just do in a steam room.

But like, I tried to do that shit. I was like slipping and falling. I was like, this is not safe. The whole idea. You're like a baby deer on ice. The old ladies tried to get me to go multiple times to do a yoga class. I'm just like, I just can't. I love stretching.

I do like it at the house. Just have someone come to your house twice a week. I just don't. The idea of yoga to me, I was like, I'd rather push metal around. I'd rather go lift a real weight. Because it's a great workout. I'm like, well, I'd rather physical workout. But here's the thing.

We're getting older, and you do have to stretch, dude. It's not a game. No, I know. I'm trying. I have to do Hold on dude My back started fucking hurting Can you touch your toes?

Stand up and touch your toes I can And touch the floor That's pretty bad It's bad That's really bad I am tight as shit That's super bad

My pussy Check this out Also Yeah it is Watch this That's Fuck you man Yeah you know what I mean

Fuck yoga Fuck yoga This is the one I can grab the floor This is the one I have to do Every day that's fuck you man fuck yoga fuck yoga I can grab the floor this is the one I have to do everyday to stretch my psoas yeah your psoas yeah because then um my back starts fucking hurting because all we do is sit in front of fucking computers now

arched over all day why how do you want me to sit you said that last time do you want me to sit like this you last time do you want me to sit like this fucking you can't just have your scrotum i mean nobody sees it i'm wearing pants crazy that's why i buy these chairs these chairs actually put my legs in this all right i'm gonna sit like this you have to it looks insane okay this is this is this better yeah and like where just uh is it because you're um the thing uh so when guys down. You know why we sit like this?

Guys sit down and you pull this up, right? Yeah, you go like that. They sit down and make a little ball bag or whatever. Just like a nice space. Yeah. You don't know what it's like. You don't get it. You can't jiggle your balls in a meeting before you sit down.

I'm making space for my balls so I can have this meeting. Turn around and do it. You know, excuse me. Put on a butt pad. Put on a butt pad and then do it. You can't. You know why we have. Put on a butt pad. Put on a butt pad and then do it. You can't. You know why we have to sit like this,

by the way? It's when I watch your podcast, all I see is your fucking dick. It's all I can look at. Maybe that's a you thing. Can you imagine if I

just did a podcast like this? Do it. This, by the way, yes. And I wouldn't be distracted at all. I would keep looking

right at your eyes. If I just sat like this and was just like, anyway, this is my podcast. That's what you're doing with your legs. No, I'm not because you don't see anything here.

My boobs are better than this, excuse me. Yeah, make your tits look nice if you're going to be on camera. Imagine if I did this. I was just like, anyway, that's what you're doing with your legs. No, I'm not because you don't see anything here. My boobs are better than this. Excuse me. Yeah, make your tits look nice if you're going to be on camera. Imagine if I did this. I mean, look, yes, it would be, my podcast would be much more successful, I bet. But it's very distracting. Okay. Here.

Maybe it's not. I don't know. Maybe guys are in there. I think some of the fans don't bother. It doesn't bother them at all. Maybe they're audio. They're looking at you. Can you sit like this?

This is not really, this feels weird. I'm trying. I know, I know. Okay, what about this? Is this okay? It's so much like thigh and scrotum, dude. It's like, it literally. And I got some beefers.

Dude, you have beefy ass thighs and you're doing this and it's just. Well, that's why I need them spread because when they're closer together, they look fat. But like this, they're normal. I just have thick legs because I run. I would say just do this. Can you cross it sorry for people not watching like ankle over the knee

they stopped watching so long ago at this point no they didn't I just showed my tits so if you tuned out if you didn't stick around to this point you're a loss

alright first of all you know we can wrap on for hours you have to go you're done with me no you have to go you're gonna be late to your next

where does Bert Kreischer live he's down the street does he yeah he's close he's in Sherman Oaks yeah Sherman Oaks should I tell everyone his number yeah tell them right now um what okay well um can you tell Bert I'm 10 late so good um I mean yeah he's probably recording nine other podcasts right now and he's gonna fucking be late he's time I go over there. He's somebody that has more podcasts than anybody I've ever met in my life. But let me ask you something.

You guys have two. Two is plenty. But don't you start kind of cannibalizing your own audience? Do they all have different audiences? Do you feel like your fans are listening to both? Well, I started this way before I did that. Or the anti-Asian fans only listen to this and not bad friends. Stop Redhead Hate

is what this podcast is all about. Bobby's fans from Tiger Belly, they came to Bad Friends and my fans from here came over and it's kind of this wonderful little world.

But do you feel like anybody just listens to Bad Friends now and not this? Totally. Or like, I'm just curious. There's people that

just want to see us together. Interesting. And then there's people that just want to see me with a guest. And by a guest, I mean someone who's interesting and sexy and cool and smart.

And you're good for today. Who canceled? So many people. Ali Wong canceled. Ali Wong would never do my podcast. I ran into her the other night. She said, nice words to say. She did a great set. And she's never, I don't think she does podcasts. I mean, maybe she does. Are you taking a picture of me right now? No, I'm videoing you. Am I the guy from the

vet? Get off the fucking Oh, it it's video i need to get some content out of this um yeah you do i'll say we'll send you a clip we'll clip your tits out for sure that's gonna please do um uh okay what else okay i have that question for you i do want feedback about i am just i here's the problem with your podcast you want want to know what it is? Yeah. You want to know? Yeah. You want to know? Yes. Too many women. No. What if I just run into this big diatribe? I don't know. I like to put too much.

I overthink it. I have like an open. We like write stuff. No, it's good. Although one time when we were FaceTiming, you FaceTimed me, and you had like nine people in the room working on the show.

And I was like, that's way too many humans to work on a podcast. No, I don't. Well, we have a producer. We have someone that kind of runs it now because what I'm realizing is that for me to fully be in charge, I overthink shit too much. And I need someone else.

Because I'll come out and I'll be like, let's cut that thing about this. Was I mean to that person? Let's get out. I get in my head and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, so I let someone else edit it. And she decides. She was my assistant five years ago. She worked for uh was lauren michaels assistant forever she's just like awesome what's her name emily noonan she's the best oh yeah she's like the funniest person i know she's just like the best how many fucking

assistants do you have i have one assistant benton is was not my benton is not your assistant was never really my assistant it was like he just like we he'd open for me on the road and he's so fucking competent and funny yeah and the pandemic happened and it was like why don't you just do this like so benton your assistant now benton's a stand-up comedy he's not your assistant no not at all i know that i'm saying he designs but benton is a part of the production team yes uh you're you're literal assistant yeah then emily newton but she she's the showrunner ep of the podcast. Oh, well, you have a showrunner? So she's my boss. Well, she does all the post and scheduling and communicating and texting with people. It's like I was really getting it over my head with booking because so many people asked to be on the podcast that you have to say no to.

And it's nice to be able to give that to someone else. Yeah, it's nice for them to hear that as well. Yeah, yeah. I'm just saying there's times when you're like, do I really? Who's asked you to be on it that is a big enough name, but you still said no for your own personal reasons? Oh, dude. I mean, it's endless. Go for it, pussy.

But my thing is I. I'll blank it out. Say it. I'll blank it out. No. I don't fucking trust you. I will blank it out. Then why would I do it now?

Why wouldn't you just say, tell me when we're done rolling? Tell me when we're done rolling, but say it right now. No, no, you fucker. Who said no to you that you really wanted on? How about that? Who was like, I don't want to? You know what? you fucker. Who said no to you that you really wanted on? How about that? Who was like, I don't want to? You know what?

John Mayer, I asked, and he was like, I'd love to, but he's like, I just get uneasy about talking for three hours. I know I'm going to say something.

Said the exact same thing to me. Yeah, you know what I'm saying? Literally, verbatim. And he's right. He goes, I know I'm going to say something stupid on a podcast. And he's right.

And I'm like, dude, you can edit it out. And then I'm like, dude, I don't want you feeling trepidatious and scared and that kind of stuff. He's too cool and too hot to do this stuff anyway. Some people are just above us.

No, I think it's more like with the climate of fucking Shane Gillis and everyone getting in trouble off shit. I mean, I got fucking in trouble for jokingly calling someone a rapist on a podcast five years ago and they printed it in print. And it said, I just said, you're a rapist. It just looks so, I think everyone's just like the getting canceled right now is just

It's hot. So a couple people that were just like, hey, can we do it like when things die down, cancel culture wise and COVID wise. I guess that's smart. Are you serious? But I'd have to go to Are you still on? I'm trying to get Dolly Parton. Are you serious?

Mm-hmm. But I'd have to go to her. And it was like- Get on a fucking plane. Yeah, no, trust me. I'm on it. Dolly fucking Parton? I have Alanis Morissette's coming on, but she couldn't

because she was in Canada. There's Jules coming on. I want 90s, all my 90s heroes on. Shannon Doherty, we're trying to figure out. What? Yeah, I want like-

Let me just come hang out when some of these people come. Please do. I mean, Dolly Parton, can I just go with you? I mean, I hope it happens. Like, I... But the problem with Dolly Parton

is I feel embarrassed like wasting her time because I'm like, you have better things to do than be on my fucking podcast. Well, it's also because she doesn't have a lot of time left. How dare you?

She is going to live forever. No, she does have... I mean, she literally just paid for the whole vaccine. She's got some hookups to some doctor shit that we don't even know about Are you getting vax by the way?

Yeah of course Did you already get it? I haven't because I have the antibodies and I'm eligible April 15th in LA Because you're anti-vax? Go ahead and say it No one's picking this up Go ahead and you're anti-vax Say it you're anti-vax

I'm not I have an anti-vax I have an aunt named vax I am not anti-vax. I have an ant named Vax. My anti-vax. I am not anti-vax. I don't. But I will say. The Johnson & Johnson, I'm a brand whore. Moderna and Pfizer.

I just want the two shots. Oh, I'm doing Johnson & Johnson. Based on absolutely no knowledge of the science, two just feels better than one for some reason. I'm doing one. Same philosophy I have with dicks. You want Johnson & Johnson? I'm doing J&J for sure, dude. Why?

Give me one and done. I'm not going back in fucking four weeks. I know, but that one is, the one in England, I don't know what it's called, but that one apparently they're associating with

like blood clots or something, but that might just be. Cool. Well, then you get to sue and then you make some fucking money, but you're not gonna die. Blood clots, as long as they're in my butt

and make my butt look bigger. Right. But yeah, so I'm gonna do it, I think on the 15th or whatever, mostly for content. How many of my friends got the Vax? How many of your friends got the Vax shady style? A lot of our friends, oh, many.

So many. I know so many people that lied and said they were teachers or homeless. Oh, no. A lot of my friends said they worked with the homeless, which in LA, everyone kind of does at this point. You do. We do. Yeah.

They're our biggest fans. We entertain them. We have a lot of friends who are anti-vax, by the way. I know. Who are going to lie and say they took it. I know. But honestly, at this point, I've accepted the fact that a lot of people

that don't want to take it, and I don't give a fuck. As long as I'm not going to get sick again, I don't give a fuck if other people get sick again. I know that sounds really crazy. As long as you have it, who cares? I don't give a shit. Yeah, I feel like I don't give a fuck. As long as I'm not going to get sick again, I don't give a fuck if other people get sick again. I know that sounds really crazy. As long as you have it, I don't give a shit. Yeah, I feel like

I don't care anymore. I still have the antibodies. I just got tested. They're going to wear off at some point, I guess. Yeah, we don't know. But you're not supposed to get it when you have

the antibodies. Yeah, but it's everyone that we come in contact with, at least at my... Has either had it or... Did your dude get it? Has to get... No, he did not get it.

He has got the vaccine. He was with me for fucking 14 days straight when I was in quarantine. I had COVID so bad I could not fucking walk. I couldn't eat. I couldn't see. I was hallucinating. He didn't get it. He had a mask on. That was it. But he's so fucking

healthy. He's a 31 year old rock climber that eats like bananas. Dude, he like makes dinner every night i'm like dude we're eating nutrient bars for dinner what is this what is all this shit what a cool guy i want to date him like he's super healthy he's a medical professional so we're gonna just put up a nude of him right here i was just i was like an idiot who like had a sinus infection for three months because i was living in my house with um construction and then i'm going on stage just like inhaling bacteria from like road comics. How lame is this?

I'm bringing my own mic now on the road. I did that before though. You did? I always did that. I did that because I kept getting strep and bronchitis. You know what I worry about? I worry about herpes. What if someone's got a herpes thing on their lip? I don't know if you can get that. Oh, for sure. It's bacteria, right? Isn't it? Oh, but how are you doing lots of like deep throat jokes now?

That's my opener and my closer. How close is the mic to your mouth? I put them, I rest the mic on my chin. I kind of do sometimes too. So I get worried about it. This is literally how I do the mic. And I thought about that at the store. Who's the last person to use this mic?

Well, they get disinfected, so it doesn't matter. Chris DiStefano though. But I would have, it doesn't live on surfaces that long. I just, my thing is like, I'm not, I'm super careful about it. I totally honor the science, but I'm not into this alt-left fear-mongering shit. It's like,

I need to put, it's like, if he didn't use this for four days, it's dead. It doesn't live on surfaces that long. Yeah.

So don't disinfect it. I'd rather, It was this morning. Oh. No, I'm kidding. I'd rather, I'd rather that than be inhaling alcohol

and Purell and shit, you know? Yeah. I do disinfect everything just for the, just for the idea of it. Although, I do leave one bacterial trace on the guest chair and I don't tell you where it is.

So you might pick it up. But also like don't do all the antibacterial shit and not like take care of yourself. You know what I'm saying? It's like the best thing I guess is taking care of yourself. People are spraying down everything, but they don't work out or eat healthy. Yes, and they don't sleep and they're just like coke heads.

It's like, dude, that's you like um what is it what does that mean what's that phrase huh when you do things ass backwards or when you do the wrong thing first isn't there a phrase for that bobby lee since covid i definitely have a hard time like retrieving words big words yeah i still and phrases like like for three weeks i mean i couldn't drive i couldn't um well you shouldn't be driving as a woman i mean it's just in general i know being a woman is already uh dangerous enough um and uh i couldn't drive i couldn't remember basic shit like i'd look at like a caterpillar and be like it's a beetle like like my hippocampus would bring up all the words, but caterpillar would take me a while to pull.

I forgot one of the codes of – one of my entry codes for – No, your wife just changed it because she didn't want you to come in. Dude, it actually scared me. It was – dude. Because I wrote something down to a friend who was coming to watch the dog, and I literally said – I like had it – my heart like skipped a little bit and I kind of like you don't need to look away from something

like that's going to help you remember it and I looked away from the phone like oh shit I'm really scared I don't remember I physically don't I genuinely

my brain couldn't even access it so I went outside I went to the door and I looked at it and I got scared dude I had a really bad I was like holy fuck I don't remember my code

I don't think Dave David Spade knows about this but everyone that ran the Netflix show was I mean he does that like after party show on Netflix and I was also shooting an episode of that show my code i don't think dave david spade knows about this but everyone that ran the netflix show was i mean he does that like after party show on netflix um and i was also shooting an episode of that show tacoma fd the lizard guys yeah those guys are and i love them and like they were like yeah we'll make the character blue hair like they wrote it with me in mind and i had to call them and go like dude i

can't keep a thought in my like there's i was trying to memorize the lines like i could not so you bailed on the show no we pushed they pushed it, like, two weeks for me. I still was, like, not 100%. I couldn't really improvise. I was just, like, the fucking lady on the set that was just, like, wandering off. They're like, Whitney, come back to set. Like, it was bad. And there was, like, it was really embarrassing.

And thank God they were so patient and cool with me and let me shoot, like, line by line. That's good. But it was bad. And I had to write my lines all over the fucking walls and they gave me prompters and stuff but when I did Spade.

Spade, dude. Sarah Tiana was there. She fucking saw it. Like all I had to do was like say one-liner jokes to camera and I would literally just be like

so today was what's the line? Like it was scary. I mean they have footage of it. I was like dude at some point we have to like You have to get that footage. Because they cut around it and made it look like I was coherent but it was like bad. they have footage of it I was like dude at some point we have to like cut you have to get that footage cause they cut around it

and made it look like I was coherent but it was like bad cause you were Adam was there from the comic store he saw it

you were coming off code it was like scary cause you had just been done everyone was like should we stop down and like call a paramedic it took

I had I just had brain fog while it was happening I had no short term memory long term memory yes but I couldn't like tell you what color underwear I was wearing I couldn't tell you what shoe like if memory, yes. But I couldn't tell you what color underwear I was wearing.

I couldn't tell you what shoe. If I looked up, I couldn't tell you what shoes I was wearing. I would do those tests with myself. See, that scared me. I never got to that point where it was that blank. But I had just small moments that scared me. And now I'm thankful that I don't have any of that stuff now. You know what else happened?

Which might have... I couldn't... Could you eat? Yeah. See, I couldn't eat. I couldn't keep food down i was puking constantly well see i could eat but i was eating bad food too like because everything's because i couldn't taste for three days oh yeah so like anything unhealthy like

sounded good like i had chick-fil-a chicken nuggets and then i had pizza because i was like i just want a thing that i know i i like that i'm like well my thing was like no now's the time to eat all the healthy groceries i can't taste it anyway we know i was just about to say somebody's name i'm not gonna like waste a pizza you know somebody we know who got it who had it for six months i mean who couldn't taste or smell for six there's a lot of people that are still in the covid fog that we haven't really heard from because they sort of are on the bench you know people keep coming out of the woodwork to me and go yeah for three months i couldn't remember my daughter's name and i'm like dude i'm so sorry you know but I think that what exacerbated it for me is I couldn't keep

anything down that's why you got thin and I couldn't keep anything down because I had gastritis for a month afterwards my body was so acidic and fucked up that I was puking constantly but I went off my antidepressants cold turkey which I forgot about but that's okay

that's fine right? it's okay but it definitely the only thing that I'm really on it for, I'm only on Prozac, is just for repetitive thoughts. Just because I'll kind of just get in a cycle. It's kind of like a mild OCD, or I'll leave a conversation and be like,

that was stupid. You shouldn't have said that. You're such a fucking idiot. He hates you. I'll sort of be on that. All those things are true. No, they're all correct, but the idea is to be in denial about them and be delusional. You don't need to know that shit. Yeah, everyone loves me. I'm nailing it. And so I think

it took like a month for me to get my brain sort of... Are you on nothing now? I'm on 20 milligrams of Prozac. That's it? That's it. It's a really small dose, actually. And you know what happened in LA? I was on 10 milligrams, and then they bumped me up to 20 and then when i went to get the first dose la three months into the pandemic

was out of prozac wow they were on back order they couldn't get prozac like it was the drug companies did had so much fun during isn't that ridiculous they were like we're like the pharmacies were like we're out um and uh so yeah that's the only thing i'm on sometimes i take beta blockers if i feel a migraine coming on or anxiety yeah propanolol it just stops adrenaline i need to get some i need to be on the only thing i need really need to be on is when i get ocular migraines that's what i really do you know that migraines are my whole thing well i get ocular ones i go blind i can fix that in a fucking heartbeat i go blind in my right eye it's almost always my right right eye. Always, because it's on the left side of your brain. So my left arm and leg would go numb.

I couldn't see out of the... It's actually the left side of both eyes, but it feels more like the left eye. I can fix this for you. It really does. That's the one thing I'm concerned about. You know I wrote a book about migraines. I can't read. Are you fucking out of your mind? Reading anything I wrote will bring on a migraine. Right, right. So this is making it significantly worse. I have a whole list that I send to people because, I mean, since I'm five years old, I'm in doctors trying to figure out migraines. I had to go to Boston, and they put things on my head.

I've been taking every medication. Propanolol, because a lot of... It's usually... What they really know about the migraine brain now is because they know very little about it because it mostly affects women, and if it affects women, nobody really puts any effort into it but is um any kind of the migraine

brain likes routine and consistency what caused triggers a migraine is any difference in neuro chemical if you're going to work out work out the same time every day because you're producing lactic acid drink coffee the same it doesn't matter what you eat it's just you have to do it all consistently because people go don't do sugar don't do alcohol as long as you're consistent with it so try to see if your migraines come on when you like drink a ton on friday i know exactly when they come on by the way light you gotta fluorescent lights get your i cannot be near fluorescent lights before i walk into any studio i go i need to see the lighting with sunglasses on and i have to change can't be fluorescent lights and i can't first time i go to a theater and i say where's the spotlight? I need to

see it and I need to talk to the spotlight. I don't like the spotlight things drive me fucking nuts. Oh that triggers me in a heartbeat I can only wear sunglasses. I'm sometimes the asshole that wears sunglasses inside and everyone's like oh you're too good I'm like no I literally just get migraines. Yeah otherwise it's gonna make me go fucking blind and then the pain is insane. It's so weird it almost feels like I get disassociated

what is it called? Disassociate? Yeah but what's that called where it's out of if you feel out of body. What is that called? Disassociate? Yeah, but what's that called? If you feel out of body. Why can't I think about it? Out of body. No, not disassociative disorder. It's like whatever that is. I can't think of it. It happens with anxiety as well.

People that get anxiety. But that's what it feels like when I have an ocular. I'll physically look down like I look like I'm in somebody else's skin. Well, you know it's a mini stroke. Yeah. Oh, like phantom limb or something. But there's a great TED talk by a woman who is a neuroscientist who was a stroke expert and she had a stroke. So she knew everything that was happening. So what happens because blood floods the right side of

your brain, but the analytical part of your brain still works. So I used to, when I first moved to LA, I would have to leave my car places because I'd get a migraine and I couldn't drive home because I'd see a street sign, but I couldn't read it. I would see the letters, but you can't read. I see that that's an F and an O and an L, but I don't, you can't compute it. So what she did was she knew I have a migraine coming on.

So she went into her phone, because you can't read names, and just tried to find match the numbers so you don't know a two is a two but you know if a two looks like a two it's like hieroglyphics to you but she just that's how she was able to call the person

to come help her she went two found the two just matched the number why she was having a stroke and it was it's an incredible book but this book I'll read by the way that's a TED talk it's called a stroke of genius she was having a stroke. My fucking God. And it's an incredible book. This book I'll read, by the way. That's a TED Talk. It's called A Stroke of Genius or something. I mean, that's a great title

but it's not true. Was that what it is? And then I have a whole list of shit for you and then I have to go. Send that to me right now. Anyone that I know that has a migraine, I'm like, dude, I have a list for you. Make sure that you don't grind your teeth at night. Oh, I do that, too.

Get your vision checked. Jill Bolte-Taylor. Let me see your blonde. My stroke of insight. Yeah, stroke of insight. Stroke of insight. By the way, stroke of genius was better. Was better.

That was my stroke of insight. Nice try, Jill. Unplug your hair thing. Sex toy. Yeah, your sex toy. I'm going to get you one. Dude, maybe I'll get it. No, I'm going to get you one. You getting it for me, that's a little... What do you mean? I'll ship it to you. I'm not going you one dude maybe I'll get it no I'm gonna get you one you getting it for me

that's a little what do you mean I'll ship it to you I'm not gonna hand deliver it you loser thank you for this beanie I actually really like it it's a cool color

it's a kind of we end the episodes the same way you gotta look in the camera say one word or one phrase when I'm off camera do it right now goodbye

this wasn't this didn't happen last time yeah you did into the mic too you goon. Oh, listen to the Good For You podcast. It's way more entertaining and well-produced than this one. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey.

You're that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are pugilistic. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Ginger. I like gingers.