Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Zac Townsend and Santino Get Completely Sidetracked | Whiskey Ginger

Episode Date: July 10, 2026

Welcome to Whiskey Ginger a Wave series presented by Fanduel. Andrew Santino sits down with rising comedian Zac Townsend for a hilarious conversation about stand-up, touring, life on the road, internet fame, writing jokes, and all the ridiculous moments that come with trying to make people laugh for a living. Zac shares stories from his rapid rise through the comedy world, what it's like building an audience online while sharpening his act on stage, and why the best comedians never stop chasing the next laugh. From awkward gigs to wild road stories, Santino and Zac bounce between honest comedy talk and complete nonsense in the best possible way. Check out Zac's tour dates and upcoming shows: https://www.punchup.live/zactownsend Follow Zac Townsend: https://www.instagram.com/zactownsend_ Follow Andrew Santino: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino Follow Whiskey Ginger: https://instagram.com/whiskeygingerpodcast 🕐 Timestamps: 00:00 – Intro 03:05 – I scare people in LA 08:26 – We met in Nashville 12:47 – Mom's dead & I never met my dad 23:08 – Zac & Santino's Kill Tony Impression 26:57 – Santino & Scott Grimes 43:46 – Successful Friends 56:29 – Thoughts on going to college #WhiskeyGinger #AndrewSantino #ZacTownsend #ComedyPodcast ======================================================== This episode is sponsored by: FANDUEL Bet on a match and get Bonus Bets for every goal scored in that match http://fanduel.com SHADYRAYS PROMO CODE: GINGER GET 50% OFF 2+ PAIRS OF POLARIZED SHADES https://shadyrays.com HELIX Go to helixsleep.com/Whiskey for 20% off Sitewide, 25% off Luxe Mattresses, and 30% off Elite Mattresses Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome back to Whiskey Ginger, a Wave series, presented by Fan Duel. Hey, there, Whiskinge fans. August 7th, I've got one more show. I'm doing it in Missouri at St. Charles slash St. Louis, one and the same kind of close to each other, neighbors, friends. And come out and see me. It's the last show I think I'm doing of the year. I'm not going to be touring until next year. I'm thinking about putting together a little club run. Comment down below, what clubs you want me to come to in your town. I'd like to do that. I'd like to get back to the clubs and then build a new theater. tour. So let me know, but go to Andrew Santino.com for those tickets. Missouri fans. Go to

Andrew Santino.com. In here, we pour whiskey, whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk. You were that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Ginger's a fugitive. You only $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse.

Ginger's, oh, hell now. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like genders. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Jr. My guest today is one of my favorite people on Earth. I say that for all my guess, but I mean once again, today it's Zach Townsend. Yes. You had a wrestler name.

Zach Townsend. The Blanco-Bronco. The Blanco Branco Branco. Honky Kong. That would be mine. Honky con. It's not racist if I'm white. White.

I didn't do that. Your walk-up music, they would just hear echoing. The jungle. The mist starts to come down. The rainforest. Who, ha, ha, ha, who, ho, ho, ha. It would be so sick. They're throwing banana peels at the rig.

Or though, I catch two bananas like Stone Cold would. Peel them. Just double-fisted bananas in your mouth. That would be awesome. Zach Townsend, everybody. My good friend, Zach Townsend, great comedian. Used to come with me on the road now. The bird is, the bird's big.

I got fired. He got fired. He was subordination. Yeah. Actually, somebody went to HR and reported you multiple times. Shit, really? Yeah. Bad news.

Dude, you look skinny. Do I really? Yeah, your face looks thin. Doesn't his face look thinner? Uh-huh. McCone's about to take a bite of an apple. Yeah. Oh, good boy.

That was loud. What a pig, dude. Did you turn the mic up for that? He's such a loser. Yeah, you do. You look thin. Okay, cool. What are you coming in at right now?

What are we talking? You get the scales? No, I haven't been eating. So. You should move to L.A. I'm trying to. You'd be perfect here. I've been walking.

No, I feel like I scare people here. People don't need. I've been walking everywhere. I did a spot at the laugh factory last night. Yeah. Had to follow Kramer. Wasn't easy. What happened?

He just said sorry for like 10 minutes. I don't know what happened last time he was there. Dude, imagine me in a comic walking in right after Kramer did that. And you're like, my spot's 1140 like I'm late. And you run in, you're like, what's going on? Who's on? And Jamie's like, body, body, have a little trouble. Kramer do the end bomb a lot

50 years ago he had someone upside down It's bad But I walked Yeah I don't I don't know I feel like I scare people here I had a couple people like Why I am like freakishly tall Yeah you are a big boy

But you're not like you don't But your face is soft You don't have like an angry face You think so? Yeah I don't think you have a angry face You have like a... This is what I look like when I walk Hold on this one I look like when I walk

Oh yeah I get that That's scary Yeah yeah because you're on like a mission or something Yeah I don't walk like this You know where I'd be scared if I didn't know you? If I sat next you on an airplane, I'd be like, this is bad. I always, so a big guy like me, and I don't know how do you, well, you fly first class. No, I don't.

I've never flown first class. Everybody knows that. He knows. I sit right in the back, right by the bathroom. Middle seat. Middle seat. 26. I don't even know the letters back there.

You don't even know the letters. D is an aisle. No, I sit. I used to go window seat every time. I like a window seat. You do? Yes, I love it. Psycho.

And I, because I like to lean, I can get, I've had, I've been big my whole life, so I know how to deal with minimal space. You know how to scrunch down? Yeah, I know how to get, I know how to get comfy in my own. Some guys will be like, oh, God, but I'm like, no, I can figure it out. Because I got a couple of big buddies and they have, they, they have to do aisles because they want one leg out at all time. I don't like that. You don't like that? No.

I like, middle, ideal for me is like fourth row, southwest flight, middle, or F window on the right side of the plane, because I don't. I did reach her. That's the plane you're most likely to live on side of the plane if the plane crashes. Well, and Southwest

good chances. Yeah. But yeah. You were going to be on that flight too. Yeah, I know. Me and Marky Mark. Yeah. Timer here about when he's like,

he's like, I would have stopped them. I would have stopped that. You're like, oh yeah, the guy who co-stars with a CGI teddy teddy bear. Yeah, you would have fucking stopped Al-Qaeda.

You and the funky bunch? I think. Why don't they make that movie? Mark Wahlberg versus Al-Qaeda. We should make that. should make it. And also, too, it's like, I don't, I was thinking about this. It's so funny. I was thinking about 9-11 the other day. I just got so mad. I always thinking about it. I know. But I was thinking about like, he, Mr. Mark Mollberg was like, if I was on that plane,

I would have stopped it. And I'm like, dude, if I was on that plane, I would have made it so much worse. I would have been screaming. I would have made the guy, the terrorists crash the plane sooner because they're like, we got to shut this huge lesbian up and seek 4F against the window. He's panicking everybody's peanuts. I would have pulled the emergency exits too soon. They just crash into Staten Island. And me and three people from, like, Michigan would have flown out and, like, ended up in Queens or something. Just ruined kids' lives.

Ended up on the playground. You would have ruined 9-11. Zach is in town today because he's doing a little audition for something. We don't want to leak it out. But I wish you the most of luck because I love you so much. And you're one of my best buddies. And, man, I want to see people succeed that are good. And you're good.

Yeah. You're very good. My little Nashville prince. Yeah. It's sad that you're all the way over. there. It's too far for me. I know. I know. You got to move. You got to get out of here. I got to get here. Where to go? Tell me where to go. Tell me where to go. Go to Nashville? Go to go to. I could, I should DM a Bargotson see if he's got an extra room.

I don't know. He's not doing that well. No, he's not doing well at all. Bargatzy. He's struggling. High financial stories. Yeah. Yeah. So I don't know if he's at the right time to call him. He's in a studio apartment. Nate Bargatsi's living in his studio. He's like, you just have to share the bathroom. Yeah, it's just me. My wife. I'm dumb. Is there was a rumor that there was another club opening up in Nashville. Is that true? I haven't heard that now.

Ooh, interesting. I don't know that. Interesting. Because your allegiance, as always, is with. Zany's best comedy club in the South, in my opinion. It really is. Honestly, one of the best comedy clubs in the whole world. Zanis Nashville.

I would actually argue Zanis is my favorite old-school traditional club. It still has the old feel. It doesn't have this like they've been co-opted by the, you know, by like a Waterburger or something. Like they feel like they're still their own little world. Yeah. I love them, man. We love the Dorff and we love Lucy. Everybody over there.

Lucy's the best. That's the only reason I love Lucy. I would... Is that everyone said before? Yeah, so many people have said this before. That's my problem. I look. I love Nashville and honestly, the draw for me would be how many friends I have there. It's kind of crazy. Like that's the amount of people that are over there that I love, and that club is so, so fantastic.

Although last time I was there, I don't know if I told you this story. This is kind of crazy, and I'm not saying this. I'm not trying to be funny, but I met a guy at the hotel. I don't know if you remember this. I met a couple at the hotel. I do remember. Yeah. And they were, dude, there were so much fun.

And we were hanging and partying and drinking. I was like, come see the show. He came to the show. And I'd kept up with him online a little bit because he loved Chicago. He kept talking to me about Chicago. And all of a sudden, like months had gone by, and I got a, DM, I don't even know if I told you this, or I got a text from this guy's phone, and it was his wife. He was like, hey, it's so-and-so, and I was like, oh, what's going on? What's up? And she's like,

I have to hate to tell you this, but so-and-so passed away. And I was like, no fucking way. And she was like, yeah, he just like suddenly, tragically, like two days ago. And I was like, oh my God, because they were just going to go to Chicago. I was going to get him like Cub's tickets, all this stuff. And it tripped me out. And so that's why I can't go back to Nashville now. So I'll never be back because of that. That's where I met you though. That's in Nashville. We met at Zany's, dude. Love at First Sight. Well, Lucy said she's like, I think you're going to like this guy a lot.

I turned down, I don't know if I've ever told you this. I turned, I wanted to work with you so bad because I was a fan. We had never met before. I turned down a feature weekend that was going to pay me like some extra money. I was going to make a good amount of money for me at the time doing stand up. And I was like, and I was like, I was like, I asked

Lucy if I could work with you. And she was like, hey, if you want to host, you know, you can host. And I was like, yeah, so I turned down the feature game. Who was it with? I don't even remember, honestly. No, just make up a name right. Who was it with? John Reap.

Which I don't know what he's doing. I don't know. I could have changed my life too, I guess, if I went on the road with him. But yeah, and then I met you, and we just kind of hit it off. Thank God that awful comic Cort McCann was featuring. So he didn't really get in the way. Kurt's going to be so mad. He's like, ooh, I'm going to get you, Zach, dude.

He was going to take his fake teeth out and bite me, numb me. Zach try to start a war, baby! No, I love court. He's great. But returning to my conversation, I am excited for you. I hope this thing goes well tonight. You're at, like, the point in your career that, like, when it's still super exciting. Yeah, and it's like, I feel like I'm, I feel like I'm at the point where something could happen.

Oh, it's going to happen. If I don't fuck, if I don't screw it up. Yeah. Did you, um, you, and the only reason you didn't do that Kevin Hart thing, that Kevin Hart funny AF is because he won a big rant and yelled at Kevin. and you called him the N-word a few times. And that really got you. Oh, when we met him. Yeah.

Remember who we met him? Yeah, you yelled the N-word at him as loud as you could. He is so small when we met him. I was so shocked. I told you. You were like, let's go say how to Kevin. I go, just said to Kevin. He's a compact man.

Well, you're also extra large, brother. Yeah, but we are, when I was out-door with you for a year, we were on, like, a generation. Like, me. Like, you know, you know, these guys is not like that crazy for Andrew to be like, like, meet these people. But, like, I was, dude, I had people texting me and being like, What the fuck is going out?

My Instagram was like Taylor Swift Kevin Hart I'm like at the Kelsey's house They're like picking me up Swigging me around It's pretty awesome It was awesome

I hung out with like Jason Kelsey And I'm a huge Eagles fan I hung out with him like four times That's pretty cool That was pretty insane Are you and you're not But you don't like the flyers You don't give a shit about the flyers

No I mean I'm not a hockey I've never really been a hockey guy You're just Eagles I'm a yeah Eagles guy No Phillies either I'm from Connecticut Yeah So we got, the only reason I'm Eagles is because my grandfather's from Philly.

So we were only allowed to watch the Eagles on Sunday. So your grandfather, let me just, let me just paint his picture. What do you do for a living? He worked at GE. So he was a domestic abuser, alcoholic, right? No, no, actually, I never saw him take a drink. My grandma's, my grandma's the party, yeah, the party animal. Your grandma is, for people that want to know, do a deep dive on Zach's Instagram,

his grandma pops up often on the gram. And I'm not saying this to be funny. Your grandma is so much funnier than you. She is. When she's on camera, I'm like, put her back on. Yeah, I've sent you videos of her just being like... Talking shit. Yeah, we're like...

Your grandma talks shit better than most comics talk to. Actually, your grandma should be auditioning for what you're auditioning for right now. Yeah. She'd get it. You'd be on funny AF. Yeah, or she'd get a don't tell at this point. Your grandma gets a don't tell. They have to cut it.

They're like, hey, we can't say that. I don't know that stuff we just cannot share anymore. Yeah. And it's pronounced anus, not anus. But I love you, buddy. I love you, and I miss you, and I'm glad to see you. I'm glad you're around my neck of the woods for a hot little minute. Yeah.

What else is going on now? Now you're moved into a house. You're going to get married. Gay. Yep. That's going to be fun. Getting married. Yeah, you're coming.

I'm coming, dude. You're coming. I'm pumped. Yeah, I'm coming, dude. I'm excited. I'm very excited. Do you, are you doing it? You're not doing a honeymoon.

Are you doing that? We're going to go somewhere eventually. Yeah, but not right away. I don't think right away now. I had a friend that just did that. They got married like a year ago and then just did their honeymoon recently. Yeah, I don't think you need to go right. I don't understand the concept of like immediately getting married.

So spending a bunch of money for a wedding and then spending a bunch of money for a vacation. You're like the wedding. And we're doing this wedding. Like it's completely me and her. It's not like, I don't have parents. My mom's dead and I've never met my dad. So, yeah, so a lot of... We always clap for that.

And the reason that you never met your father is why you're in comedy. Otherwise, you'd be working on a railroad somewhere. Yeah, or dead. If I was raised just by my dad after... My mom passed away when I was 16. If I went to live with just a guy after that... Yeah, you'd be dead. Yeah.

I'm kind of shocked yourself alive. Like, it's not two and a half men. Like, it's not full house. Like, in this day and age, yeah, I'd be dead. Yeah, you would. I would have done... I would have been working at, like, the night shift at Dunkin' Donuts. It's good shift, though.

Smoking, yes, I mean. Smoking meth. Smoking math. Smoking meth. Smoking donuts. Making donuts. But now you're on the road. Are you taking out somebody? No. I mean, I just kind of, if I can bring some people. Yeah, and I'm like, hey, I can't really, I feel bad about taking people because I'm not at the point where I can pay them extra. Yeah, it's hard.

But some guys are like, hey, I'll do if I can come out. Just to jump around? Yeah, so I'm trying to do that. Selling real tickets now, too. My boy is selling real tickets. I'm selling kind of tickets. No, you are. In huge rooms. So what?

Here's a 400 seats. Like, I sold like 90 tickets in one room. It was like 400 seats. It's a lot of seats. It's a lot of seats. It's a little too many seats. It's a lot of seats. 200 rooms are great.

Like, if you saw like 400 of like one, like purse. Like, okay, purse. I was going to say. Go ahead. You saw like 400 of like 400 Indian guys. You'd be like, like, what am I? Canada. You know what I mean?

What is this a Drake show? Yeah. we'd be like that's a lot of that's a lot but if you saw like 90 I guess if you saw 90 any guys when you see your fans like you know it's so you know funny about comics like when sagura started like really popping

and same thing with Bert is like they see guys that kind of look like them that come to their shows you see guys that look like you that come to your show no I mean kind of I was gonna say like some of the people that come to the shows and like come and talk to me after like they look like McCone they look at McCone yeah like long-haired 26 25 year old. Yeah, like, yeah. Which is cool because, like, you want, like...

Hipster dudes? Not really. Just kind of, like, regular guys. He's a hipster dude. Yeah, he is. He's a lib. He's a queen lib over there in the corner. Yeah, you're that woke BS you've been spouting over there.

Which is funny. Trying to cancel, Marky Marky Mark. Well, it's funny because he's actually, he just got... A sex change? Yes. Okay. So they are now doing... I donated to that, by the way.

Oh, you did? I saw the go fun. me. Yeah, you have to. It was me and Shial Mackenna. Yeah, McKenna. And McKenna just signed a huge deal to be a producer for Fox and Friends. I don't know if you know that. Wait, really? It's a big, huge announcement for us. Fox and Friends.

One of Tucker's Ruckers. I actually believed you. I looked at him and goes, no. No, he can't get that job. Imagine you going to Fox looking for a job, McCone. And they see this little lib walking in. Imagine how mad they'd be. Oh, my God. Him walking into the daily wire, their heads would explode.

McCone Corcorrie, he-him. Yeah. Nice to walk in the room. A land acknowledgement real quick. What's going on here? Why do we have a he-him in the room? What's going on here? No, dude, this is the only job you're going to have for a long time.

You're done. But that's a good thing. That's a very good thing. And he's a great dude. He's fine. I love him. I love him. You know what's really, you know what makes me laugh the hardest about you?

It's like you and a few other people in my life have become such good friends of my family. I'll get updates about. you. He does this too. It pisses me off. From my family, we'll be like, oh, I was talking to Zach about something. I'm like, what, dude? I don't even talk to you that much. I was going to say, like, we truly, like, when people ask me about you, I go, they go, because I've had people ask me, I've got to go on tour with a lot of guys. Yeah. And I'm very lucky. Every guy I've gone on tour. Bert, Theo. Trevor?

Trevor. Yeah. Trevor's great. Not Noah, Wallace. Steve-O. You, they go, who's your fit? All of the guys I've been on tour with are so great. They're awesome. they've become friends, but they're like, who's your favorite? And I will say, hands down, it's you. It's the best. We've become, like, real. I was like, I talked to Andrew, like, probably like once a week. At least, yeah.

Well, we send each other, you and I are on a DM stream that would... Yeah. That if Claude or OpenAI gets a hold of it or whatever, or a DJ. We're so scared. We just love sending each other totally fucked up stuff from the internet. The wild thing about the internet is it made it. I didn't make it. We didn't make it, but I gotta show it to you. But I gotta show it to you.

Like Andy Milanaka sent me yesterday, dude, he sent me those videos of those. He goes, you gotta go to these hood videos. In the hood, they'll like soak pineapple and Kool-Aid for like two days straight. And then I swear to God, dude, he showed me the video yesterday. It's incredible, dude. He's like, it is, it's, the color is out of a cartoon. Like, you couldn't make this color up because they add like other sugars and powders to it. But honestly, it just was like, this is, and there's some wild shit beneath it.

The comments are always like. Oh, some of the comments, I go, how are people's... How do people get away with this? I don't know, dude. Well, because nobody can trace them down. No one's going to be able to trace who said. It's got to be burner accounts and stuff. Got to be burners, dude.

And also, before we move forward, I want to give a big shout out to paid vacation, which is Zach's Sketch Group. I don't know. That's a... Is that the right way to say it now? I don't know. I want to say group, because it's only me and Ali Shara, shari, Hari. You don't even know how to say Shari, Harry, Harry.

Harry, we're going to be... He's Iranian, so... Harry Condu. Sketch duo. Huh? Sketch duo. Sketch duo, but also then you guys do use other people in the sketches that you've used more than once. But it's just you too.

It's just, like, I write all of them. He edits all of them. I then, like, I also bounce, like, ideas off him all the time. And he'll help me. He's based out of Iran, right? He's still there. Yeah, he's out of there. Yeah, he hasn't talked to me in a little.

I'm kind of worried about him. He hasn't hit me back in, like, two months. But, yeah, hopefully, yeah, hopefully it's like Wi-Fi's down or something. But, yeah, that's funny you say that. In here, we're just, we're just, we're just, we're just, We pour whiskey. The biggest stage in the world is soccer, and soccer is here, and every goal changes everything.

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I call you sometimes and I'll go Hey have you heard Like I called the intro the other day I've been looking this up I haven't seen anything about it But we want to do one where It's instead of Frankenstein

It's called Frankenstein And it's Jewish Frankenstein Jewish Frankenstein And they just put a yamaic on him And he just like comes to like Oi my stomach But it's just like It's just like a 10 minute sketch

Of like him walking like this to the bank. Instead of nuts, instead of bolts coming out of his neck, they're draodles. They spin. And they got the hyssitic, you know, the little curls coming down. But you know that's Frankenstein's monster. Wait, what? Frankenstein is the doctor.

Oh, really? Isn't that the trip up? That's the worst part about it. Yeah. So the guy who walks like this isn't called Frankenstein. It's called Frankenstein's monster. Okay. Isn't that annoying?

So you should have Dr. Frankenstein and... No, he's not a doctor. He's an attorney. He's a lawyer. Lawyer Frankenstein. And they win the case. They put the amic on him. He wakes up. Oh, my stomach points. And there's just a scene of him, because his knees won't bend.

There's a scene of him trying to get a quarter off the ground for like 15 minutes. And then somehow he also does hip hop. You're like, what is this? And all the people in the town, like, you know the town's people will like, They have pitchforks and torches. Yeah, yeah, there's still those people, but they're just all wearing free Palestine shirts. You're going to make it. You have to make it.

I mean, as big as you are, you must utilize this. We should make it. I thought it'd be funny to make a trailer. Like if we made, like, a fake movie trailer? A fake movie trailer about it. Such a good idea. And I'm sure there's going to be somebody in the comments. It goes, well, actually, this was on episode 400 of a podcast.

Kids in the Hall did this. That has 86 views on YouTube. Right. Shut up. Shut up Are you ready for the Are you ready for the best Fucking night of your fucking lives

Zach and I will call each other Do Kill Tony impressions of who's coming to the stage That's my favorite It's my favorite to call it Yeah when you just make them You do a Tony impression Of the Like just the most random

Of like the most random lineup you could ever make Yeah so you'd be like Are you guys ready for the best fucking night of your fucking lives? Yes. You pigs are ready for your slop. I can feel it.

Me and Red Band had to go to the depths of hell to get this lineup for you tonight. And it is the lineup like no other. So start making some fucking noise for Marilyn Manson and Saifa fucking sounds. The funniest part is this is what is the show now. I know the show now is The funniest is this doing like we would just do voice memos of that when I started doing it with you And we just get like start making some fucking noise for Drake and Mike fucking binder every

I Ha ha ha ha ha ha It's just like the most Rosing my mind It's the best like that should be the Kill Tony game like if there's ever a game it's ever a game it's like who could, like, who's the rabbi's. Like, who can make the, everybody laugh with the wildest pairing.

But you called me when you did. He did, you did kill Tony. Go watch Zach's kill Tony. He called me and you were like, is this going to be bad? Because if it does go bad, it's very bad. And you're funny, and it doesn't matter if you're funny. Because it could just be a bad run.

It could be a bad, like, you could be in a bad place in the lineup. You could just be, so many things could go bad. Also, I was so nervous about, doing it because I was like my interview I don't I just do stand up I don't really do a whole lot like I golf and I do stand up and I write jokes and I make sketches yeah that's literally all I do and I play with my dog you don't collect rocks or anything no I don't collect rocks I didn't bump my head and like develop a stutter you know what I mean you're not paralyzed you don't have any disability I'm not

paralyzed you got to get one if you're going to continue in this biz bro I know well I do look like I have one. Like, if I smile, like, you're like, let me see. Yeah. She's seen high school pictures of this guy. He'll show me high school pictures of him like basketball him. Oh, yeah. I look like Aaron Hernandez. You do, dude. He does.

I had the shape up in both ears, like, both ears pierced, and I was gay. And we're hoping the story ends the same. You do, the difference of what you used to be to who you are now? It's insane. So funny. It is wild. Different man. Yeah, you just grow up. You find, you find out what you I always wanted to have long hair in high school I just could never get

pet because you kind of have like similar hair to me where it's like yeah have you ever actually I saw a video of you and Bobby and you had like kind of long strangely hair I've never had that like that I've had mine was like maybe his length yours was like that but you guys were like on a couch like wrestling like you like slammed him off a couch yeah but I never seen her hair that long no that was the only time I ever had long hair that's probably because I was shooting um um on dying up here no dude that was way before that that was like uh Sin City Saints uh Mixology my first sitcom I've got a big fan

big fan. Mixology, my first... Henry Pool is here? Henry Pool, my first movie ever. That's insane. That story's crazy. Aren't you in Hardcore Henry, too? I remember.

No, I'm serious. You're in Hardcore Henry? Are you sure? Shut up. Are you sure? Shut up, dude. Hardcore Henry. No, I'm the guy from...

What does everybody say? I look like that, dude, from the space show. Scott Grimes. Is that his name? Is that his name? Scott Grimes? There are people tag me all the fucking time He's in like...

Oh yeah, you kind of do look like Scott Grimes See the people do this all time They like tat like... Oh yeah, you do look like him Fuck you guys I look like I get um You don't get anything You don't look like anybody

I get um I get Noah Khan Our boy Our boy Shout off to Noah Khan the guy Shout out to Noah Khan the guy Shut up a new album just dropped And he's playing he's playing

Uh uh... Riggly Field Bro he's doing He was telling me He was telling me four shows He's doing four Four shows all sold out at Fenway Park He's playing Fenway Park more than like the Mariners are This season.

It's fucking crazy. And selling way more seats. And selling way more tickets. That's crazy. Yeah, Noah is kind of crazy because when we met Noah in Nashville, he had reached out to come to the show. And you and Lucy,

I was like, I should get him to the show, right? Like just being, you know, like just being nice. Like, yeah, they'd be cool that. And you guys were like, are you out of your fucking... Yeah, we're like, you never heard of him before. Like, we and Lucy listened to him all the time. But I didn't really know. I didn't know much about him.

I wasn't really in depth on him. And you guys are like, you're off your head. And then he came. Such a rad dude. But their reaction was like, he has to come to the show. They were freaking out. I was like, all right, dude, come to the show.

Yeah, we're like, dude, he rips. He's awesome. He's the man. He is the man. Yeah, I love that dude. He's the L.A. kid. Yeah. L.A. turned.

Oh, Vermont. Oh, yeah, Vermont. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. Well, I was just, you know, I figured L.A. because he's a Frankenstein.

Yeah. Yeah. The Frankensteins are out here. Careful, dude. No, I'm not. Listen, if the Frankencedes are listening right now, I'm ready. Put me on the table. Make him. Well, you're Jewish.

I would have been headlining a long time ago, brother, if I was. I'll tell you that right now. Can you imagine him at, like, a bat mitzvah? Somebody's like, who the fuck is that guy? What is he doing here? I'm the first Jew. Are you the catering? I'd be the first Jew with a barbed wire tattoo.

Dude, that is the, that's the second funniest tattoo you have. The funniest tattoo I posted on Instagram, the amount of comments. I got because he has a tattoo of his last name on his back. It's so funny. It's not that funny. It's so stupid. The amount of people that commented about that that were like,

dude, it's the most trash, it's probably the most trash thing about me, which is crazy to, like, that's the trashiest shit. It is. Your own last name?

My own last name. I got it when I was 16. It was, you got the barbware with me on tour. That was only a couple years ago. Yeah, this is like pretty fresh. You like what you like. Yeah, you like what you like.

But it's also like, yeah, I can't hide. going to get it covered up. So you kind of have to like lean into it, you know? You didn't cover up that swastika on your calf. That's still there. No, that's still there. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I just don't wear shorts when I go to these meetings, you know? Wait, do you really think that's your worst tattoo? My back? Yeah. Yeah. Well, by this one's pretty bad too. Blessed. Bless is bad. Bless is real bad. Do you know, like a black teenage girl would have that. Oh no, yeah. Well, yes. You are a black teenage girl. At heart, kind of, yeah. You are. I'm Zekwisha.

That's what I call myself in my head But this was really Because this was I got this also when I was 16 So when my mom died You went on a run I was like Your mom died

And also I was like I was really good at basketball I was Stop dude He's gonna play this game again I thought Look up his stats I wasn't good

No there's just None other But I thought In my head I was like I can make it To the NBA So I started getting tattoos That you would get

If you were going to the NBA And then fast forward I'm not even joking Like I was 16 Fast forward like eight, nine years later, I'm stocking shelves overnight at Walmart with a blessed tattoo.

Having to look at it when I'm like putting my, and I'm like catching in the reflection, I'm just like, what is my life? Like, who have I become? And that's a good job by the way. Anybody that's stocking shelves right now at Walmart, we love you, we need you, you're a valuable. We do, yes. You're valuable human being. But it was overnight stocking shelves in Florida. They were open 24-7.

I would have to deal with the worst people. Yeah, 100%. In Florida? Yeah. The worst. You could make it to the NBA now. Yeah. Yeah, they need you. What do you mean? They have more white guys than they've ever had. Dude, my wife said this last night.

We went to the Laker game, literally. She was like... Austin Reeves. Dude, Luke Knard. Shout out. There's a bunch of whites on the Lakers, and my wife was like, what's going on with these fucking white guys?

She was like, get these fucking white guys. I know, dude. Hey, slow down. Slow down. She was just waiting. And then she goes, that's Luca, right? And he was like, you know, he sit on the sideline.

I was like, yeah, she goes, it's a lot of like, a lot of whites on the squad. I go, yeah, I know, it's kind of a strange. Yeah. It's not a side that you like to see. No, I don't really consider, because you played basketball, too, do you consider, like, Luca and Dirk, like, white?

Like, as much as I'd like to, I kind of, I claim them, like, half percent. Like, 50 percent. They're 100 percent white guys. Those are white dudes. Eastern European and Russian guys are... I don't know, compared to, like, a JJ Reddick or, like, a Larry Bird. DeVincenzo? D'Venzo.

Dantze. Dantzee. Yeah, but any of those guys. Well, Larry Bird, dude. That'll be the only white guy. like that ever again in the NBA. That will never exist again. No.

Like a bad boy farm badass. That just dominates at that level. They tried with what was his name. And talk shit. He was such a good shit talker. Loudmouth, yeah. It's like my grandma. Wait, what's the other farm boy name that was the big Tyler? What was his name?

Oh, Bill, are you talking about on the Pistons? No, no, I'm saying. Tyler Hansborough. Yeah. He was like a white farm boy, like a big old farm boy. And that, but that wasn't. He bled on that court. He would like throw elbows.

Yeah, he was kind of. But also he. Couldn't do it. So I think Larry Bear is the last white farm boy you're going to have make it to the NBA like that. Who's just nasty? I get a lot of, uh, I love college basketball so much. It's the best.

I get so many like edits of like college, white college basketball players on TikTok, but it's always like with like a blink 182 song over it. They get me so hyped up. I'm not even, I send him to like three of my friends. And I'm like, dude, like a new. Where are you? Yeah. It's all downhill from here, like newfound glory, just like over some Adam Morrison highlight.

and you're like this, I'm just like, yes. Yes. You do have a Morrison vibe, though. I loved him. Yeah, Gonzaga, right? Yeah. Yeah, Zaggy's. He was awesome.

He's an NBA champion. One with the Lakers. He was on the bench. He was a bench guy for the Lakers when they won? They smelled really bad. Was that, that was what year? 2020? The COVID, the bubble year?

I don't know. This is probably earlier than that. When did they win? When did the Lakers won in the bubble? Lakers won when I was still in high school. Well, that's bad. But Adam's that old? He's that old?

Yeah, I think so. Seriously? Last one was 2020. Yeah, 2020, the bubble year. But I don't think Adam Morrison was on that team. Type in when Adam Morrison won a championship. I bet you it was like 2000. What?

Adam Morrison. Can't find it. Internet doesn't even want to know. He played for the Bobcats 06 to 09 then Lakers 09 in 2010. Oh wow, yeah. That's what I feel like that wasn't that long ago that he was playing? Because that doesn't feel that long ago, but it really is. It was so long ago.

That's when I graduated high school, 2010. That's when I was 11. You graduated high school in 2010? Yeah. Wow. When did you? None of your fucking. Never asked a lady their age.

2000? 2002, I graduated. 2002? Hell yeah. I remember 9-11, dude. It was in school. And then they were like, they hit the towers.

And I was like, what? And they rolled TVs into the classrooms. And then I called my mom because I was like, my mom still worked downtown. Like, you know, when we moved to the suburbs, my mom still kept her job in the city and just went downtown every day. And I was like, this is how dumb I am.

I was like, do you think they're going to do Chicago now? Dude, no. Everybody had that. And my mom goes, I work on like a fourth floor of a building. That's only five stories. I could walk downstairs and be five. They're not going to hit a five-story property management company. No, I remember, dude, I was in fourth, no, I was in fifth grade.

I was in fifth grade when it happened. And I remember getting into, they never told us. They didn't wheel TV or anything. I got in my mom's car and she was, my mom was babysitting somebody's little kid. And the little kid, I'm not even sitting, I sit in the front seat, my mom was like crying. And the little kid goes, the plane goes boom. And I was like, what? And my mom, like, had to tell me.

And I was like, because they've been watching the news all day. But even that kid had the conspiracy already. He was like, there were bombs in the buildings. Yeah, the kid knew. Like, how does he know? I saw the explosion before. Measty, the explosion before the thing hit the plane. A little kid is like, plane fuel can't melt, melt steel.

Oh my gosh. But yeah, that's how I found it. Then I remember being so scared. I was like, this is the end of the world. I did remember. That did feel like I was like, well, that's it, huh? Yeah. That's it.

No more. That's it. I'm never going to be able to go over to my friends house and play NFL Blitz ever again. You guys don't know what that is, do you? No. What? NFL Blitz was the best. N-64, NFL Blitz.

NBA Street was huge for us? Street was, yeah. I have the rematchel. Halo 2 was huge for me. Halo was big when I got to college. Double kill. Triple kill. These guys, but we'd go upstairs.

Kill tacular. My buddy Collins room and people would just sit and get high for hours and play that game. Hours and hours and hours. I couldn't sit that long. I wanted to go do something. That's where I learned how to talk shit, like, really. On Halo? On playing live.

Dude, we used to do this. thing called standby. My buddy Josh Orbea, he was so good. We got so good at Halo. What was your gamer tag, by the way? My gamer tag was the smack daddy. Loser, dude. I was like 15. Super high voice.

Hey, it's a smack daddy. I'd be like, oh man, we used to like boot kids out from the party. You'd be like, what's the first thing you see when you go to a restaurant? And they'd be like, what? And then it'd be like, the menu, and then boot them and then just end up at the menu. That's so stupid. But we used to be this thing where we called standby,

he would like force me host. So I had the host of the game. Yeah. And my router, because, you know, I was raised by a single mom in Section of A housing. So my, all my setup was very close to it to each other. My router was right next to my TV. So I would press the standby button and I would have 10 seconds to kill every. They would go to blue screen and I could just go kill everybody.

And then come back. You motherfucker! Who's not daddy? Who is smack daddy? I'm going to fucking kill you. And I'd be like, shut up. You're adopted. Like, you know, I'm just like learning.

phrases. That's like that kid, there's a kid that does, that plays people on Madden, he talks crazy shit. He's, I mean, he's like nine. And the stuff that comes out of his mouth, it's insane. And I was like, this is where kids are learning. Like, we had to learn, we had to learn how to talk heavy shit to your friend's faces. Yeah.

You had the, that's so good. You can test it out on the airwaves. We had both. Because I remember, like, I was still getting, like, you'd get roasted. You got roasted. And I played basketball, too. Pick up basketball, you get lit. You play basketball, too, where you.

Pick up basketball, you get lit up. You're the white. Here come Opie. Look at this motherfucker. He come up. Hey, Opie. I'm like, hey. Opie, people that don't know, Opie Taylor, that was Andy Griffin, little redhead.

That's Ron Howard as a child. They go, he'll go, Opie. Hey, hey, hey, get this motherfucker some sunscreen right away. I'm like, all right, all right. Dude, I was telling somebody this story the other day. Billy Hoyle, I got called that a lot, too. I was at my hometown park in Manchester, Connecticut, Charter Oak Park, pretty, you know, pretty crazy park to be playing basketball. Yeah.

And I was the only white dude on the court, and we were playing. It was an intense game. I'll never forget. I had a handlebar mustache at this point, just a handlebar mustache. And this black, one of my buddies's black guy named Bubbles walks down the hill. Oh, Rout Row. And he was like one of the best basketball players I've ever seen in my life. But he came down the hill.

He was like smoking or whatever. He comes down the hill. I hit a layup and he like kind of ran the park. He was so good. He kind of like ran the park. He lived right down the street. And I remember he came down and he said and he goes, I made a, to lay up and he goes,

yo, Zach looks like Hitler. And I remember I turned to look at him like confused and then I turned back and all nine of the black guys I was playing basketball with ran off the court like they just saw a magic trick like the funniest magic trick ever

because they were all laughing so hard. And I remember thinking like at that I was like, oh, I don't know if some black guys know what Hitler looks like because I was like, I have a handlebar mustache. I think they think every like every white guy with the mustache looks like Hitler.

Yeah, I think I was like If I could put five white guys with a mustache in front of a random black guy, I don't 100% know he could pick out Hitler. And you really want to throw him in a tizzy? Throw Charlie Chaplin in that motherfucker, too. He'll be like, yo, I think... You mean Hitler, I got to do this? Yeah. Yo, I think that motherfucker's number three.

That's Hitler. They're like, ah, no, that's Tom Sal. Like, ain't wrong. What about? All right, four. Nope, that's Miles Turner. Sorry, ain't wrong. You got the next paid vacations, guys.

Identify Hitler I just remember having like the full on Handelbar mustache just having that moment of being like And it killed he killed It got such a huge reaction from the whole park They shot like the whole park down There was two courts like both games stopped Any any any any light roasting

Of the only white is gonna get It's gonna be it's gonna be firewoods I remember I remember all of them I remember I missed a layup one time And I had been doing these couple guys knew I was doing stand-up Oh shit One of them go man get you I missed the lady

and goes, man, get your Ben Stiller ass off the court. I was like, I don't even look like him. No, but all whites. You're all, that's all, you're every white guy. Yeah. You remember those games like that?

I don't remember any. I only remember the times where I got hurt. I remember every time I got hurt. When I got hurt bad. Like when I fell on my neck, I got a concussion. Remember when I, um,

chip my tooth? Like, I remember those vividly because I remember seeing them happen. Yeah. But I don't remember any of those games. Oh, I remember like, stuff like that was just like because I remember that was such a I remember being so confused like because also too it's like such it's like such it's like such a thing I was like

thinking and I've always thought about it and that's kind of how like jokes kind of happen too because like I just started kind of telling people that story and they're like that's a bit yeah that's and I'm like maybe it is I don't know but no that's a bit yeah that's when you wait how old are you when you started um I was probably like 25 or two yeah 25 yeah started in Florida though if I yeah I mean. Tampa, Florida. Shout out to Tampa, Florida.

You and Burke Kreischer. Isn't he Tampa? Yeah, I don't know if he ever did. He's from Tampa, but I don't know where he started comedy. I thought he, for some reason, he started in Florida, or maybe he started out here. I'm one of those idiots. I don't think this will ever happen again.

I move to L.A. to start, which I think will never, I don't think generationally you'll never see that again. I was just talking. Oh, Luke Monez. I was talking to him last night. And he was great. He's awesome. He killed last night.

Yeah, he's funny. but he was saying to that he was like because he said I thought he lived in New York and he's like no I live here but he's there a lot yeah I see I've seen him there at time I think he flips around or whatever maybe but he was like I asked him do you like it out here and he's like yeah like he's like I can't imagine starting out here that's what he said so dumb I started well I was also 22 but back then too is either go to New York or go here that was like that was the Austin no Nashville no not even Chicago probably Chicago had Chicago had a great comedy scene but a lot of those guys were like sketching improv guys. Yeah. And I just was like, if I go back home to Chicago from Arizona, I was like, for sure, I'm going to end up working for like, you know, the fucking Amtrak. We had a buddy that, oh man,

I shouldn't even say it. We had a buddy that we got fired from working on Amtrak. He, say it. You know how those trains? You know how those trains? You know how those trains crash? And they like, and you're like, how do they crash? Yeah. This is like this guy. Like he was just like, He was just holding... Fucking around. Yeah, sometimes they go, how do they crash? Fall in the sleep. Because they still have...

They're still human operated. They still have to hit the brakes, which is crazy to me. That's why they don't stop at the same place every time. It should just be a computer. But it's like, the fact that it's a person, and then you know some of the people that do it, you're like, I don't want to ride a train ever again. This guy, if my buddy, who I've gotten high with till four in the morning has to work at 8 and drive a train, I don't know if that's a good idea, dude.

That's what I remember being like, we got to, like, growing up, you go, oh, man, we've got to pay these teachers more. And then like you, then you realize some of your friends are teachers and you go, oh, no, we don't. No, we don't. He's already managing his, he's doing Coke all the time. No, they don't need more money. He drinks all the time. And he's off all summer, just getting hammered at the lake.

Did you have anybody you grew up with that turned out that like actually like is shockingly successful? It's like a doctor or like one of those things? Like I have a buddy. I have a buddy. I'm not going to say his name who very intelligent with school, outside of school. One of the dumbest guys I've ever met in my life. And he is unbelievably successful as a doctor. Like has his own practice.

Does something so specific. And just thinking about it, I'm like, dude, he's just, he's not an idiot. He's just aloof. And you're like, I can't imagine that guy became a fucking doctor. Yeah. One of the best. I don't know that I have anybody. Like, I'm very proud of some of my friends.

Like, some of them have, like, fallen, like, ass backwards into some stuff. Yeah. But I think I'm kind of that guy. You're that guy. Yeah. I think I'm kind of, like, people, because I'm literally, like, before. I've been doing comedy full time like you changed my life

you're the guy who like allowed me to quit my job and do stand-up full-time and then it just kind of kept happening and like I said so the fact that I'm able to like make really good money doing stand-up you know and then but I think I am that guy for some of them because a lot of for a couple years

a lot of my friends are like you know you're trying to do stand-up but then you're also like I'm working at a warehouse and I'm working back a house at a restaurant That's how ugly I am. They don't even want me the front of the house. I'm breading chicken. I was a breader at chick filet Dude, I remember leaving every day. But you were just breading chicken every day? I was just breading chicken I was just breading chicken and I was just breading chicken. I was just breading chicken. I was just bread and I was just bread And I just like I just Bukakied of like this Buccaque covered. Yeah, and you're just like I would even wash my

shirt because I'm like this is going to happen tomorrow too yeah it's never going to go you wait you don't eat chick fillet anymore because of it huh no and because i'm gay so that's yeah there's like two reasons well the lord doesn't want you over there no they won't let them say no more gay six six goons in my kitchen which is crazy because the chick flay i worked at there was so many gay guys working there well yeah it's like a moth to a flame you don't know you can't keep him away what's going on over here why why they let us in let us see let's go work there yeah that's why chick people that don't know Chick-fil-A is closed on Sundays, because that's

gay day, that's gay party day. That's actually, like, the best time to do poppers is Sundays. Sunday's God's gay day, dude. Yeah, yeah, when he's asleep. And on the seventh day, he wasn't resting at all. He was resting his nuts on someone's chin. He's resting.

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That's helixleaksleep.com slash whiskey for 20% off site wide. 25% off lux and 30% off elite mattresses. That's incredible. Go to helixleep.com slash whiskey. Ginger. I like genders. Yeah, like anytime I ever worked at a restaurant

because I worked all through college at restaurants, Outbacker, an outbacker, not a slacker. Dude, I was in the back out. Outback steakhouse? Yeah, dishwasher and a bus boy. Dude, how bad was dishwashing? Dishwashing? That was the hardest. Even if you were good at it, you would get soaked. Soaked and you smelled like shit.

Because food, water food, like you know when you have left something in your sink for a while? I'm getting sick just thinking. Water food is the worst smell on earth. Like water old city food. Like, dude, the smell of water on like mashed potatoes coming off a plate, it's crazy. It's like hot water mashed potatoes. And you got to clean the little, oh, dude, and you're next to the trash can the whole

time. Yeah, you are, you're standing in basically a trash can. I have so much respect for people that do these jobs that we're talking about. Dude, it's so hard. Because I've done them and I'm like, it's so. It sucks. It's hard. Well, also, the only thing I liked it, well, busing I loved, because busing I could get high and put in headphones. Yeah. And the manager, uh, I don't even know why he liked me, but he just kind of like, he let me kind of get away with it. Like, he knew that I was stoned. I got ratted on one time. personality hire personality our heart a lot of us I was I've laughed at so many jobs I would show up late I would ask to leave early insane shit and I was I was I would just make people laugh when I was

I was like done I remember my boss became like real I'm like still like good friends with a couple bosses I had I still like text with them oh yeah but you're just like people will be like you got we got to get them out of here he like he's not managers like this guy's the only guy I like yeah he's the only one I he's the only one I can see it's getting high and busing tables with headphones in and because it was it was against policy you could you could not have headphones and they're but this is only wired back in the day and i so many complaints but they never i never got in trouble it was kind of like a who cares he's bus and leave him alone yeah but i had some rats some people snitched on me there's a boo you know who you are actually you know who one of my

fucking snitches was she was on the real world i remember this chick she was like an asu student older than me i was a freshman or no sophomore what was her name i might know i watched that show Oh, it was her name. She's very pretty, too. Her name. I can see her face very, very skinny, dark hair. Her name was, she was so pretty and cool. But she ratted on me because I was kind of like a little truck.

Also, because I fucked around. Like, I wouldn't bust. I'd go, I'd fuck around. Or I'd get in like a bread fight with one of the cooks, you know? Oh, yeah. I'd be like, Mario, he's like, don't throw the bread. And I'd be throwing the bread. Because I would try to be able to throw the bread through the window, you know, through the fucking.

I would just like to fuck around But dude, I was getting paid What? Collie Edison? No. Because we almost said Colleen sounded Something like that sounded right.

I can see her face, dude. She was so... Look up. Real World girl that went to ASU. Did you look that up? You did? And what was her name? Her name is Collie Edison.

Is that her? Let me see a photo of her. That could have been her. They rated on me though. No, but dude, all the restaurants I worked at I could never eat at ever again because the smell and the vibe. It gives me like the...

Yeah, it's the same thing. like the first alcohol you get sick on, I think. It's like... Captain Morgan. Yeah. I can't even... Vodka. Like, Dubra, it was called. Honey Jack. Honey Jack? That's way behind my time. Let me see.

She was on real world Denver. No, that can't be right. That can't be right. That can't be right. Maybe the girl never graduated. She probably went to fucking Mesa Community College. You know many people I went to school? Because ASU is like, come on in. But how many people... I had friends that moved there from Chicago. and my buddies were like, dude, you and so-and-so and so-and-so are all going to ASU, and I'm like, they're not going to college.

They're just living near college, partying like their college students. Do you know that's how bad my GPA was that I applied graduating? I applied to ASU, and I got to. You got rejected? Hell yeah. Dude, my GPA was a two-point, I think it was like a 2.1. I took GI. You know this.

I told you this, and you laughed so hard on my face. I was having like a moment of vulnerable vulnerability with you. I took geometry, like, junior year of high school. I told you and Aaron Weber that. And Aaron was like, dude, I took that in, like, eighth grade. Yeah. And Juneer I was like, oh, yeah. I literally, they, like, move things around.

I had to, like, beg them to let me take algebra one senior year so that I could just apply to college. So you could try to apply. Yeah, so I could even just try to apply to college. ASU rejected you. Who else rejected you? Endicott, college. Andacott says no.

Yeah. But you got into... None. None. Nothing. That's the... I got into Chick-fil-A university. There's no shame in that game.

No. Honestly, I... It all worked out. I didn't get into... Like, dude, I... Actually, my dad still holds it over my head that... I got into University of Tennessee, and I didn't go... You T?

Well, because my dad and my sister both went. And my dad was like... He's a big... I met him. He's a big... He's a big ball's guy. And the fact that I didn't go there, he still holds it over my head. Like, he doesn't give a shit, but we'll get hammered.

sometimes, and he'll be like, could have been a ball. Like if we're watching, like, if we're watching a Vol's game together, he'll be like, you could have been a ball, man. And I'm like, no, dad, I mean, come on, who gives the shit? And he's like, could have had something stronger. We could have a stronger bond. How much more orange do you need on you?

You think I wanted to wear orange to a game? They're like, and he's back, the orange sickle in the crowd. No, I, loved going down there. I just, I was scared about Tennessee because, look, dude, this is also 20 fucking years ago. I was, it just it was so different back then, too, and it was so, I'm sure now it's a different school.

Yeah. But back then, dude, it was like still the good old boy, Tennessee. And I didn't fit in at all. No. It's just not, it was not me. You got a little hood in you. Yeah, it was just not me. Dude, that was way too, like, sparries and college and buttoned up polos and, and, what do you

and khakis. And I was like, I just don't think these kids are going to like me, man. I'd feel the same way when I would go, because I, like I said, I didn't get into college. You know, I went to, so I would go visit my friends at college. And certain colleges, I'd go. be like I'm never coming to visit him again because it's like it's that they're all sparries and I'm like these kids are just looking at me I like tattoos yeah you look like the you look like the ugly duckling I yeah and they're just I just don't fit in and I went to ASU and people

wore shorts and flip flops to class I was like this is it dude yeah I was like rolling a blunt they're like what's that class class yeah in fact I do remember going to like visit friends I like like my childhood best friend Sean Sean went to school at Marquette Marquette's a great school in Milwaukee and like you go to the Midwest to like a good school like that and you see how like people look and are and you're like oh right I'm at a I'm at a state school

I go to fucking I go to school with kids who got through high school but like kind of got through high school this is like they're going for a career like they know they have a major they need to do well yeah I would and they're all partying but engineering yeah they're trying something ASU was like what do you major and they're like

I'm figuring it out you're like you're a third year and they're like I'm just gonna get my real estate license after I'm That's a bunch of my friends And then, by the way, where do you see yourself in, like, seven years? They're like, I don't know, like on a billboard, you know? It's like on a bus bench. It was like remax on it, yeah.

I don't know. Actually, mine was that but a bunch of rich kids who were passively interested in art. Yeah, anytime, those liberal art schools are always filled with rich little brady, mommy and daddy kids, and they pretend like they're all, they look, yeah, they do the fake, like, I don't have any money, but they're all sitting on trust funds.

Yeah. How many kids... So you went to an art school? Yeah, in Chicago. How many kids at, like, the art school do you think were, like, actually talented? Columbia, right? You went to Columbia in Chicago.

By the way, you have to clarify because Columbia is actually a good school in New York. Not the good one. I mean, that's another one. It had like a... Again, it's another school with a 98% acceptance rate.

So it's really just... I would have been the 2%. I almost guarantee you that... That joke would hit hard if you said 3%. I'd have been part of that 9%. I would have been to 3%. There was a lot of really...

I mean, there was a lot of really talented people, but also, I mean, they were in, we were in more of the advanced classes anyway, but there's a bunch of, I mean, I remember even at the beginning, a lot of kids just, I don't know. I mean, not, there's a lot of kids that. But you were the poor kid at the rich kid school. Yeah, I was, I mean, I was one of the people. Oh, thank you. Well, that's, that's, this is, this is kind of the, it's either one way or the other. But also, it's a, you're going to be the poor kid to do the rich kid school with talent, but you could be the rich kid at the rich kid school without any talent. You got to, you got to have, you got to have, you got to, you got to have, gumption or whatever. and a lot of those kids

that just didn't have jobs. Wow. Gumption. That's a big word for Zach. You have to explain what that is. I love that cartoon. The green guy? That was awesome.

The red horse. Yeah, that was a great. That was one of my favorites. You know, but honestly, I don't think now if I was, if I lived now, if I was 18 right now, I don't think I would have ever gone to college. It would have scared the shit out of me in this day and age. Like any kid that goes now, when I have friends that have kids that are going off to school, I'm always like, why?

What are they? I mean, what is it? I don't even know what it is. And they're about to bring the draft? back too. So it's like, what's the point? Yeah, they're about to drag you out of class to be like, hey, come do push-ups for Israel. I can't do the draft. Am I too old, right?

I don't know. No, 40, they just raised it to 42. I'm, I might be screwed. I'm 43 this year. This is my last year. Make sure I can't get in the draft. They just raised the 43. I don't know, because I have a torn ACL, so I don't know if they can If you have a medical, you have medical exemption, I think we can skip out. Or we'll just go to Canada. Yeah, and I'm, yeah. Let's go to Canada.

You and Barack Obama, dude. Okay, let's go to Canada. Let's start to put it on the Canadian. accent. I've been working on my Canadian accent. It says as of April 26, nearly all male U.S. citizens and male immigrants age 18 to 25 are required to register for the selective services.

I'm good. I'm out. There's no top line, though. It says pass in 2016, the National Defense Authorization Act, registration for men between 18 and 26th, I'm automatic. But then, while the giraffe age pertains mandatory service, individuals may volunteer to enlist, age of 17, with parental consent, or 18, up to 42 depending on the service branch.

I'm not going to be in. And they also, they wiped off like they were like, if you have like a marijuana, like we'll overlook that too. So they know what they're doing. They know what they're doing. They don't, they know that nobody wants to go to war. Nobody wants to go fight. It's starting to become a thing where they're like, hey, nobody wants to go to war.

Nobody wants to go to war. People want to be in the military because they want to protect the country. The military, I have nothing but respect for the military. Yeah, but going to war is scary a shit. Yeah, but I don't want my friends who are in the military to go to war. No, I don't want to, I don't want to aim to go to war. In my, my, my, my, my, fiance's. It's a controversial take, but no more war.

Yeah, I mean, hot. Hot take. Yeah, all right, let's get the bus passes out. Hold on. Get your card out real quick. Hold on, hold on. Let's do this. Let's do this. Let's act like we're on here.

Here, yeah, you go over this one. Okay. So, what's your hot take right now? Maybe a hot take. Maybe it's just me, but I don't think anybody should, I don't think people should have to die at war right now. Okay. I don't agree with that.

100% disagree. Okay. 100% disagree. All right, well, you're, okay, you're not Patriot. By you met a debit card back. The hotel he's at the hotel. I took on my debit card in my hotel card. It was either that or a...

What else is in there? My United Health. I just got health care through my lady. Wait, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank God for her. Yeah, thank God for her. I would be dead if it was. Honestly, you know what's annoying about your lady

is that she's beautiful and smart and cool and very, like, quick and funny. And it's a bummer she's going to have to, like, do this thing with you and just be nice. and just like live with you and operate with you. Yeah. She's like a rad smart babe and it's like, uh-oh. Doesn't even know how to cry.

It's crying the wrong way. It's in a wands going, how. It's dyslexic crying. Now she's a lucky lady and you're a lucky boy. She's great. I love her. Yeah, you're not, she's number one. Are you on tour right now?

Are you going to do some dates? Plug some dates. Give some dates to the kids. Can I put it out? Whip it out, baby. Yeah, yeah. Please. So pull out your website.

too. Yeah, if you want to pull it, my punch-up. Oh yeah, pull his website so I can hear. Punch up or are you... Yeah, punch up. I got him right here too. Let the kid read him off. I got a... That's what... Yeah, let's... May 21st, Detroit, Michigan. Mike drop comedy. Comedy. Come out. Wait, no, we let him read it so you don't have to read. Go ahead. Read it off for the boy. Wait, Detroit, uh, mic drop comedy. Is that a new club? They just bought the house of comedy. So it's right there in the corner. Right across from the Fox. Fox Theater.

Yeah. I love Detroit. Detroit, by the way, underrated city. For comedy. Michigan is great. Awesome. For everything.

It's coming back. It's underrated for everything. Detroit is an underrated city. Only Midwest people really love, love Detroit. Yeah, Phil Moore was awesome. Philmore was the best. I went out with those girls for two minutes,

and then I came back to the hotel sad. Oh, do you remember? You were trying to hook. No, do you remember that? Because I'm not going to say what we laughed at, but we laughed so hard at the car, the three of us. You know what I'm talking about.

You're new to me. That was one of the hardest we've out. You're new to me. Yeah, we had a fun. Inside joke for people that did. It's so stupid. But yes, Detroit. So he's in Detroit at the end of May.

And May 28th, Huntsville, Alabama, levity live. Yes, please come out to that one. Yeah. I've done that drive from Nashville. Yeah, it's like two hours. Yeah. June 4th, Timonium, MD. Maryland.

It's so funny that you don't know MD is Maryland. Yeah, you dumb. England? Well, I thought I meant doctor. August 6, Houston, Texas, Punchline, Houston. Yes, please come out to that one, please. Jamesville, Wisconsin. I know that.

Where in Wisconsin? Comedy Cabin. September 18, 19th. September 18, 19, come out, Wisconsin. Come see my boy. Springfield, Missouri on September 23rd. Springfield Comedy Club. And then Tulsa, Oklahoma.

Tulsa, baby. Tulsa. Looneybin, great club. 26th. Mason just spot it. O'C. Bricktown. Really? Yeah, he's great.

guy. 27. New young owner, but just bought it. He owns like, he's opening the Wichita Loonie bin too.

He's trying to like get these, he's giving people like me a chance for a weekend. That's good because people need new, people need comedy that's on the rise instead of just the same names going to every fucking city. I mean, it's definitely hard to compete with,

you know, people like that. But it's like, yeah, but it's like there is going to be a time where. The wave. Yeah, the wave changes. And so, yeah,

but Mason, shout out to him, owner of the Luni bin. It's a great club. Shout to the Loonieman. Go see Zach. Please, he's a dear, dear friend. I think he's so fucking funny and talented

and knock on wood and good luck for what you got tonight. We're not going to tell anybody, but knock on a lot of wood. And go to punchup live.com slash Zach Townsend, right? That's got to be it. Punch up live. ZAC. Yeah, ZAC. There's no H because...

Because my mom's retarded. Because his mom's an idiot. Yeah. No. Rest in peace. She's dead. Don't say that. I can say that.

A ton of times past. And also, she's only dead because I killed her. Never tell me to clean my room again. They'll teach you, you know? No, but it's, I don't, ZAC is the right way to spell it. Me and your boy, me and your boy spelled the right way. That's exactly right. Yes, you and F, dog.

And that was the first thing he asked about you. Yeah? H or no H? Yeah. Because ZACH is Zatch. That's Zatch, yeah. And where does the K, ZACK, I was talking with a guy last night. Anybody, any guy who spells are named ZACK, those guys die before they're like 26.

You know what I mean? That would have, they die. Yeah, those are the guys that live with a dad who only raised, you know, a dad. They could have tattoo at like 13 years old. Yeah, they have a half pipe in their backyard made of all different wood. And they're like, I'm a cool dad. You guys can black out with me. Yeah.

You're like, we're nine. And that's the thing. That kid starts drinking so early. Oh, yeah. That's the reason he overdoses at like 25 because he's already hit a peak. He's already like, I was getting drunk at like nine years old. Can't get any higher. I can't get any higher.

Yeah. Go see the boy. What? Do we want to look at the names? Oh, yeah. Do the names real fast. We did this again last time. Do it.

So I'm going to pull up the name statistics for ZAC, Z-A-C-H, and Z-A-K and we're going to have you guys guess which one is the highest. I just pulled up all these statistics. Do it. Okay. So you guys got to guess. I have to. I think the number, I think, I think Z-A-K and I think Z-A-C-K, and then Z-A-C-H. Wait, statistics for like how they spell it? Yeah. How many people in the U.S. I bet you Z-A-C-H is number one, Z-A-C-N-2, and Z-A-C-K number three.

What is it? Both of you are wrong. number one is ZACH number two is ZACK and number three is ZAC Your last dog How many? Good ZACH

I think number one there's Well I'm just basing it on what we did before 185,000 How many do you think in the U.S? ZACHs? You said 185,000 Like 2.7 million How many?

Okay 20,000 The worst price is right contestant of all time How much is that boat? 40 million? It's a tugboat It's a refrigerator 575,000

$18 million A brand new pool table That's got to be about 995 grand We could cut that part out How many CKs? CKs How many CKs? How many CKs?

Only one as far as I'm concerned Well we're going to say you talked to what? No, I forgot what I was going to say But only Okay, CKs 10 grand 15,760 Your guys are both close

12,602 Yeah, he went over though But then how many ZACs are there? 7,848 5,184 3,9288 Damn Shout out to my rare bird

Yeah Go see my boy live right now I love him so very much Look in that camera right there. Say one word or one phrase the end of the episode. I love Andrew Santino. In here, we pour whiskey, whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk. You were that creature in the ginger beard.

Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Ginger's a fugitive. You only $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Ginger's, oh hell now. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like genders.