Who Knew It with Matt Stewart - 182 - Cameron James, Elf Lyons and Suren Jayemanne

Episode Date: March 9, 2026

Who Knew It with Matt Stewart is a comedy game show podcast hosted by Australian comedian Matt Stewart. Episode 182 features comedians Cameron James, Elf Lyons and Suren Jayemanne!Support the show via http://patreon.com/dogoonpod and you can submit questions for the show!Check out Matt's new stand up special: https://youtu.be/ZgukEPerWZc?si=SW8PttGAB-ly_GF8And his last stand up special: https://youtu.be/cWStRpI-BhESee the podcast/Matt live: https://www.mattstewartcomedy.com/Check out Matt's podcast network: https://dogoonpod.com/Theme song by Evan Munro-Smith, Logo by Murray Summerville and edited by Connor Schmidt! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's 2026. Melbourne and Adelaide people stay tuned. Everyone else. Skip forward 30 seconds. Going to keep it really quick. Adelaide Fringe, Rhino Room, Mean Serena doing our new stand-up show, March 3rd to the 9th. And we're also doing a live. Who knew it? Also at the Rhino Room, March 7th. Then in Melbourne for the International Comedy Festival. We're on at Cooper's Inn in Melbourne, April 7th to the 19th. Get tickets for Matt Stewartcom.com. Welcome to Who New With Matt Stewart, the show. We're the guest. throughout the wrong answers on the titular matts chute and our first guest is a multi-award winning gollier trained comedian elf lions did i pronounce goalia right gaulea goliere i mean it doesn't rest in peace rest in peace oh my goodness i went to arthur's art bar the other night with this person

who i was hoping to make out with and we went up to this place called nest have you heard of the nest no so it's like an actual nest that they've built in arthur's art bar and you can climb into it um And it's a complete fire safety hazard. So I had a bit of a breakdown. But anyway, everyone was like, oh, if you're going to make out with someone, you go to the nest. So me and this past,

and I was like, we should go and check the nest out. We walk upstairs to the nest. And there's just four magicians sat in the nest. And I walk in, and then this guy goes, hi,

Ilf, you don't know me, but I know you. First of all, I want to say, on behalf of everyone here, I'm so sorry for your loss. That's nice. It was half two in the morning,

in a nest, in an art why would you it's just such a strong ball hold has it ever been a more appropriate time I think it's for four magicians

in a nest yeah it was me and I think it's nice for a magician to say that at 2.30 in the morning in a nest in a nest okay maybe I'm being critical

I just thought if someone was grieving and was really processing things if you watch them climb into a nest would you think is this the right time to remind them about the finality of life.

Isn't that sort of an aphrodisiac? Yeah, yeah. I'm wondering did it happen. Yeah. One note of look. Yes, it did. But, you know, we didn't do it in the nest. We then went and stood outside the nest.

But what was happened was then the four wizards came out of the nest. But didn't leave the room. They stood nearby. They stood in the car. The musicians get a bad rap. Me and the other person. For about a minute. Like a solid minute.

And then we both started laughing because we released in Arthur's Art Bar. They have all these very hippie wall prints. And one of the wall prints they've got is, you know that famous photograph of a young child, like starving on the road being looked at by a vulture? You know the one that won that famous award for being this incredible war photograph? They've just got a giant print of that on the wall. Great place to make it. And we were making out to rolling, rolling, rolling, rolling, rolling. Oh, God.

I was thinking these are all the key elements I need in order for romance to happen. Oh, man. That is a form. Four magicians and nests and war photography and Fred Durs. That is a war. What a concoction. What a concoction. Our second guest this week is award-winning stand-up comedian, musician and storyteller.

James. You look so, well, you were reading that just now and you looked like you didn't believe it when you were reading it. No,

really. You're trying not to smile. The font is so big and it's still, it's not big enough. Yeah, well, I can't and paste it from your bio, but.

Did you really? Does it say that in my bio? Yeah, award winning. Yeah. I don't think I've ever won an award. I've been, oh, no,

that's such a chance. So again, this is your anxiety coming in. You need to back yourself. I've won an award. I won director's choice at the Sydney Comedy Festival,

which is an award given out by my management at the time. This desire to undercut any success you've had is really fascinating. We're going to unpack it this episode. Let's unpack it. And our third guest this week is one of Australia's most exciting emerging comedians. I also cut and post this from your bio, selling out both national, international comedy stages of Surinjo,

Myrna. Hello. Does it still say emerging on there? It does say. You've emerged, sir. You've got to change that. You're not in the next to anymore. Well, welcome, everyone.

Are you ready to play? Yeah, ready. So the way the show works is ask a relatively obscure trivia question. Our contestants have to write a convincing fake answer. I then read their answers. Well, as the real one. I'll have to guess which one is correct. And the first question comes from listener Margaret from Massachusetts.

And the question is, what does glabrous mean? What does glabrous mean? Well, they're writing their answers. I'll explain how the scoring works. So at one point, if your fake answer is guessed by the other contestant, another point if you correctly guess the answer. By the way, I'm also playing as the house, and I've put into my own fake answers for each question with the help of the question writer.

We get a point for each one of those that I guess choose, so each of us can scope to three points per round, which seems fair, but the probability actually favours me, the house, and the house always runs off. If you've listened to previous episode, you'll know that is nearly never the case. And to even things out, the guests get triple points in the final round. Anyway, most of our questions come from our great Patreon supporters. If you want to submit a question, sign up on any level of our Patreon.com slash 21 pod, linked in the show notes.

The answer is in for question number one. What does a glabrous mean? Here are your six options. The peculiar sound a magician makes as he answers or enters a nest to compliment a woman's body. That's option one. If I'd read it, I'll probably save that to last. Option two, beautiful people getting away with not doing any of the heavy lifting,

a portmanteau of glamour and laborious. Option three. the term was coined for the movement of a wind turbine during high winds and storms. Option four, feeling guilty for not putting in more money for the group gift once everyone else earns more than you. Option five, smooth and without hairs or scales. Or finally, a Latin term for the feeling of uneasiness one has when they are in the same room as a magician.

Okay. I really hope that. sandwich thing. I really hope one of the magician ones is the actual real one. Do you want to go for herself? I think what was the glamour? Yes. Beautiful people getting away with not doing any of the heavy lifting.

Glaborious. I think that would be another word for it. What was the Latin one again? Latin one was feeling of uneasiness being in the same room as a Oh no, in which case maybe... You know what? Let's go for the glamour one. Glamma, okay.

Thank you. No worries. What do you think, Cam? I think five, the scales... What was it again? Smooth and smooth and without hairs or scales. Smooth and without hairs or scales. That just feels right to me.

Yeah. Globoreous. Yeah, sounds like a scientific... Sounds like a scientific term. And I love scientific terms. Yeah, yeah. I love science. I think that's that one as well.

It's probably like some sort of, yes, describing it. Yep. Creature. All right. Locking that in. All right. Here's the right. The Latin magician one was Surren and the other magician one was Camm.

The wind turbine one was elf. Then we had the feeling of guilt not putting in more money. That was the house. As was the glamour and laborious portmanteau one, sorry, elf, which you went for. Point to the house. there but that means the cam and serena are correct it does mean smooth and without hairs or scales yes well done yes thank you boris it feels good to be right about the baby's bottom sort of thing oh jeez louise wait what that's a phrase no it's not i've never heard anyone say that it's a baby's

it is see i've heard smooth as a baby but not glaboris that's the baby's bottom well i don't know what kind of scaly ass you had as a kid it was pretty scaly yeah okay Yeah, yeah. Mine had feathers. Was that what it was? No scales or feathers? Well, I guess, yeah. It couldn't be smooth at it.

Oh, but it has feathers. Yeah, it's really smooth, but it's got these weird poking things out. Yeah. You know what feathers are like. Dude, I know all about him. So after one round, the scores are Elfayette to score, Saran Cam the House on one point apiece.

Here is question number two. This comes from Beakey Stevens from W.A., which is either Washington or Western Australia or somewhere else entirely, I guess. And Beeky's question is, she just wants you to come up with a fake species of bird. You don't have to describe it or anything, just the name of a species of bird. While you're writing around, since here's some more info on Gorperoras. Do you have to write a definition as two-one? No definition, just the name, common name. you know, not the Latiny name or whatever.

While you're writing your answers, here's some more info about Globoros. This is according to Margaret. Glabrous is one of my favorite adjectives that I came across doing a plant ID course in college. Glabrous means bald or flesh without any hair, scales, or other projections. I find it goes well with my other favorite adjective, Glacious, meaning having a powdery gray, white, or bluish bloom or coating.

I think I like the way. words mostly because together they sound like some mythological ancient Greek brothers. Not sure if either or both would be a good fit for who knew it but wanted to throw them out there. Well, I believe they're a fantastic fit, Margaret. Answers are in for question number two. Which of these is a real species of bird? Zombie eat a parrot. Greyish mourner.

Speckled Gibroni. The Eastern Ren diagram. The three spotted fuck. Yeah. Or the twat-arg at the rat tattoo. What's the last one again? The last one. Twat-arg, at a ratat-toe.

It's your go, Cam. Is that jumping out of you? It is definitely jumping out of me, but I don't know if that is, if that's the right answer. It's just jumping out of me because it's loud and bold and brash. but I feel like I'm more drawn to the very first option that you threw at me,

which was zombie eat a parrot. Yeah. I feel like it's one of those crazy animal names that we would be surprised to learn is real. Right. And I love to be surprised. Did you do well at school? At the end I did, yeah. Yeah.

Why? No, you just come across like someone who's quite academic. Oh, I wasn't, but at the end I did pretty well. Yeah. Thank you. And it's a lot of power of deduction. That was how I... Yeah, there was good reasoning.

Yeah, that was good reasoning. I nailed it at the end. You didn't get sucked into the boldness and the prashness. What was the last one again? Twat-dog, Atter-Raptar-a-2. But yeah, there are a lot of birds I found out on this show that are named after the sound they make. Okay.

You think that's what that... No names. Definitely. What else? How else would you explain that? I don't know every language, but it could be... Onomatopoeik, I suppose. Yeah.

What was the second last one, sir? The three spotted fuck. How's the fuck spell? Is that F-U-C-H or F-C-K? F-C-K? Did you do well at school? Huh? Because you're really good at spelling.

I feel like I'm being parodied. No, no. It's satire. You're being satirized. I will allow that. That's a great question. It has spelled F-U-C-K. Okay.

Because if it was fucked, like it could be, what's it good again? I think that would have been a really clever spelling of it. Yeah. It could have also been non-apeic then. True, yeah. So you're going to go with that? No. Can't get them on?

Just one more time quickly. I think we all did well at school, actually. I've got a sense that we've all done. We all did quite well. Just by the way we're working together. Zombie Eater Parrot, greyish mourner, speckled gibrony, Eastern Ren diagram. 3 spot of fuck or twat-arg ator-ratat-a-rat-to-look,

despite Cam's excellent deductive reasoning, I cannot ignore the brashness. And I am going to go for the... Too loud. You have to get the twat-a-catat-to-all. Locked in. Alf, what do you think? Can you repeat them again?

Sure can. I started to stay dreaming. Zombie-eater parrot, grayish mourner. speckled gibroni Eastern Renn diagram 3 spotted fuck or twat are at a ratatoo Is a drubloni

Is that a well-known word In Australia Is that like a something silly Is that a joke thing More well known in the Sopranos universe Maybe Is it a character It's sort of an insult

I think it's like a Is that type of meat Like a sausage or something Yeah I think so Don't be a gibroni Yeah But scientists can be a little bit You know

Carpah KDM leaving on the edge. You know, if you discover an animal and you get to call it, you know. So they've all got charm and charisma. Definitely. Gone to Miriam Webster. Gibroni. Gibroni is an all-purpose.

No, I'm talking about the birds. Sorry, the birds are all-fuckable too. Gebroni is an all-purpose and mild put down along the lines of loser or knucklehead. I'm going to go for the mourner. Warner, right, looked in. Because even if it's not the real one I actually think whoever came up with that really thought about the game

and I really appreciate that game theory With a depth of Which one did you come up with? Which one did you come up with? You're about to find that out. The three spot of the fuck. There's a real poetry about the greyish morner I think All right, here's the right the answers

The Eastern Ren diagram, that was serene. The Speckled Gibrales. Brony was the house. Wow. Three spotted fuck, that was Camp James. Yeah, I ran out of ideas after three spotted. But I kind of liked the sound of it. I think it's a great.

Yeah. I really liked it. Thanks. Yeah, if you'd spouts it with an age. I could have gotten over the line. I probably would have gotten it. In future, would you want me to blag it and just say, you know. No, no, no.

That's against the, that's against your own discretion. You need of integrity. Yeah. Yeah, okay. That's the one thing we need more than anything right now. Now, Cam went for the zombie eater parrot. I'm afraid that was Margaret, the question writer. I cared the house.

Margaret. Now, Seren went for the twat, arg, atorata, too. That was Elf. Oh. Elf's first points in the game. That really, um. Skillfully, you were sort of like investigating it too, and you're like, oh, maybe it's, you know. That's wherewolf shit, right?

Yeah, that's your, uh, that's your werewolf skills. There's a full moon this week. And that also means that elf is right. It is the grayish morn. Really? Yeah. A couple of points on me. I love winning things.

Well, at the moment, after two rounds, the scores are one point of surrounding Cam, but two points each to Elf in the House. Here is question three. This comes from Eli Fisher from Houston, Texas. That's a lovely name. Yeah. Also, do you give their first and their last names on the podcast? If they want me to.

I suppose that's, isn't that funny? So you docks them. Interesting. Yeah, full address. If anyone wants to damn me, I can tell you exactly where Eli lives. If anyone's furious with this question, which is what was the nickname of the towering 6'9 American footballer Ed Jones? What was the nickname of the towering 6 foot 9 American footballer Ed Jones?

While you're writing your answers, here's some more info about the greyish mourner. According to Ebert, the large, rather monochromatic flycatchers that frequent in the middle to upper levels of humid forests where it often accompanies mixed species flocks. The plumage of males is a uniform grey

with dark red eyes while females and juveniles have brownish wings and tail. Very similar to the screaming pier. Oh, someone's got to enter that as a Is that the official description of how they look? This is of E-Bird.

Is that a website we trust? Do we trust E-Bird? E-Bird. I trust it with my life. Because I tell you what I don't like about it. And I also don't like it about the name of the greyish morner. I don't like ish at the end of grey. Yeah.

Just like, yeah, it's greyish. Yeah. Come on, let's be specific. Be specific. Yeah. There's a lot of colours. Yeah. You name which one.

Silver morner, pick something. It feels like a placeholder name. It's so placeholder. And I don't like that in that description, the wings were described as brownish. It's so annoying to me. Yeah. Just pick something. The song is a loud and fast.

Trit, trit, choo! With emphasis on the chew. There you go. There you go. They're a good looking bird. The answers are in for question number three. What was the nickname of the towering 6'9 American footballer Ed Jones? Here are your options.

Rage Redwood. Long Jones's bones. Too tall. The Fifi Fumbler. 69 or 10. tallish ed uh saran your go what do you think

um raid redwood long jones's bones too tall the fee five foe fumblr 69 or tallish ed uh he's tall yes so i don't think he's tallish it's just there's no doubt about it's six nine that would be an ironic yeah I mean it depends if it was scientifically you know yeah that's true confirmed sometimes yeah the scientists a nickname

wouldn't have as much rigorous testing as a scientific name for a bird I wonder if he was because he's so tall he was a bit of kind of clumsy and maybe that's why he's dropping the ball a bit

how did he get in how did he even get in the draft he's tall there's no disputing that he's not tall issues so if it's a nickname yes V-5-o fumbler

it's quite a lot of yeah it's a it's a but it's a nickname that your colleagues have given you or is it something I mean, the press of giving you. It's the FIFO Fumla.

That's sound pretty good. In the red corner, that's a different sport. He's boxing now. Yeah, he's tall. He's got a little. He's athletic. I think, I don't think it's, yeah, you have talked to me out of that. I don't think it's the Fifi Fambla.

I reckon it's Lones. Longs Jones's bones. Okay. Equally long, but okay. Long Jones is bones. I can see that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. In a pirity way.

Is this, are they American? American? American, yeah. Yeah. Okay. God, I love America. Oh,

I'm just thinking of like the nickname's Ed Jones, whether just trying to think of the etymology of where his name would be from, like. Edward? No, but like, you know, if like someone's Irish and they've got bright red hair or if they've got this or something, they offer the nickname is sometimes unrelated or like.

Ironic. Or if they're super tall, it's like shorty or like smurf. Not tallish. Tallish. Yeah. Yeah, right. So Redwood,

you're thinking Redwood, it's Edward but he's because he's got red hair Oh that's like a That's like a very tall tree in America Oh my God There's a lot going on with that one I'm just thinking outside the box

Okay so you got rage Redwood Long Joneses bones Too tall The FIFO Fumblr 69 Or tallish Ed I think I can't

What the one's too tall Too tall It's just I think I think that's kind of like Do you know what I mean It's like A bunch of guys just be like, yeah, he's too tall.

Yeah, mate, not at all. But the 16. 69 is also so, I also wonder your question is to, when you mention that he's very tall, it's to curve us around and mislead us on what the name actually is, which makes me think maybe it is 69. But it's 69 because he's 6'4.9. So it is relevant. Oh, it is.

I thought it was just a number. Just because he does lots of 69s or whatever. I thought maybe it was his number on. Didn't know. I was sick at the time. I didn't really well at school. So that's why I was able to deduce that. You put things together.

Well done. Or you wrote it maybe. Oh, I mean, who knows at this point? These are getting funny. Sometimes they get less funny the voice here. These are all funnier every time. The thing is they all could make quite good. None of them for me stand out as being like not.

I'm going to go for too tall. shit. Locked in. Can you put me down for two toll as well? Two, two talls? You can't copy me. No, I wasn't going to copy you. I was going to do it independently and then you happened to go first and I like you

Pizzerz. No, No, okay. I like it actually as well, but I'm not copying you. I have my own deductive reasoning. It's probably around,

he played around the same time as Too Short, the rapper. It's like an ironic flip on that. Put us down for three, two tools. Yeah, can we hit three two tools. So you're off Long Jones's bones.

Yeah, I mean, I never was confident with that anyway. It really feels like you all just copied Elf there. No, no, no, no. We all had a wrong. So we've got a last round and now you're like, yeah, we're just going to jump on that. That's not what we're doing. Okay. That's what it seems like.

Let's just stop saying that and putting that out there because that's not what we're doing. It's not what we're doing, Elf. We're not copying you. You're not benefiting from the hard work. Of a woman. Of a woman. Well, it wouldn't be the first time, I'll tell you that. I've written a few coattails.

All right. Zero of the answers. Tallish. That was Cam. 69. That was Surin. Well, well,

well. The FIFO Fumbler was the house, uh, as was Long Jones's bones. Rage Redwood was elf. And you are all correct. It is too tall.

You know, I almost went rage redwood until you, you went a little too hard on. I could be that. I thought you'd already decided. So I was like, I've got nothing to harm. I'm proud of that one.

I'm picking outside of the box. I was my first thought. rage redwood and then it was the slight twinkle in your eye while you were analyzing rage redwood that I thought no no no no no it was a good one I was quite proud of it it is great one it became way more clever as you

explained it I was like oh that's where you fell down my head holds me back yes and I come up with something and I go I actually show my working this is all good stuff oh I've got to use the microphone Well, this is what happens when you bring a mime on your podcast.

You have been holding that mainly, right? Huh? No. I'm so good at it. So at the halfway mark, the scores have tightened right up. Oh, good. It's around on two points. The house on two points.

Cam on two points, but it's run on three points. Really? Yeah. I love winning. Oh, wow. You might be the, it's close. It's close. It is triple points in the final round, which you may hate if you are holding a lead at that point.

No, but I, do you know what I? I just like being appreciated for the effort I'm putting it in. You're putting in great effort. So I'm going to walk away regardless and know that I did my best. Great driver was fantastic. Didn't get a point, but was just great writing. Thanks too. Tallisette.

Tallishton. Tallishton was so funny. Yeah. I think we all, and 69 was ever so good as well. I didn't realize how clever it was. I thought it was really stupid actually. Guys, I think we all did really well at school. Question four comes from Kayla Dyerst from Lewisham in London.

Is that right? Lewisham, yes. Cross the pond. What do you think of like all the oceans in the world to separate us? One big pond. So Kayla's question is, what is the punny name of the tanning and beauty salon on Cardiff's Bridge Road in Dublin? What's the punning name?

Pony, like it's a pun, you know, like a someone. try to be funny with their beauty salon in Dublin. You're just got to come with the name of the business. What kind of beauty salon is it? Tanning and beauty. Okay. And it's got to be a pun. What's a pun?

Like, I'm so bad at this place. I really don't know what a pun is. I really don't know what a pun. Can we have a bit of time just to think? Yeah, of course. I think a, I don't know if I don't even know if pun is right.

This is an example of one. In the movie Blues Brothers, um, Carrie Fisher's character works at a salon called curl up and die. Oh, There you go. And that would be an example of a honey salon. That's been a question on this,

but it was submitted as a real business. A real business is ripped off the Blues Brothers. Yeah, yeah, you've got to rip off all these brothers if you can. There's a big thing in Australia and probably elsewhere of having a Thai restaurant. A Thai restaurant with a funny name. Yeah. Like Thai Place or yours. Yes, Thai die.

Yes. We do. Yeah, that's great. I don't think are they made in a fun? I don't think it's funny. Well, this is always what I wonder with shindler's lifts, because it is just... It's very funny. Yeah, it is.

Okay, so a pun on a tanning shop in Dublin. In Dublin, yeah. While you're writing your answers, he's a little more info on too tall. According to Eli, Edward was quite tall, standing at 6'9 or 205 centimetres. He was a defensive player that won several championships with the Dallas Cowboys in the 70s. While they're still writing their answers, let's go for a quick break. All right, we're back in the answer to room for question over four. What is the punny name of the tanning salon,

tanning and beauty salon on Cardiffbridge Road in Dublin? Come out and get ye tans. What? Sprayed out of... I cannot believe. I cannot believe that one. Come out and get ye tans. That should be come out, well, yeah.

Should come out and get you, oh, man. Come out you black and tans. Let me fight you like a man. Yeah, I think it might be. working off that. I've been, yeah, well that, yeah.

Sprayed out of Cardiff Bridge, bro. As in straight out of Compton. Okay. Moisturizer Wilhelm the second. Only tans. Oh, that's good.

Top of the browning. And finally, you too could be tanned. Oh, fuck. Oh, my God. These are actually all quite funny. It starts to feel like a magic trick to me. Well, I feel like I'm watching a magician.

Sorry, Elf. No, it's all right. Triggering. Could you read the third and fourth ones again? Because they got muddled for me. Moisturizer Wilhelm the second and only tans. So the third and fourth. Who's going first?

You're going first. I'm going out for come out you tans. Come out and get ye tans. Come out and get you tans. What are we saying that's a pun on it again? So it's black and tans to do with the IRA and like Irish Republican stuff. It's like a protest song or a chant. Come out you black and tans.

Let me fight you like a man. Show your wife what you couldn't do in Flanders. And we'll call the, it's a very Irish song that is quite divisive and banned in a lot of places. and my Irish family when I DJ at my cousin's weddings I do a remix self-air and it goes, come out you, come out you, come out you, black, black, black, black and tas. That's awesome.

But I feel like I've retold the history very, very poorly so for the listener I apologize in advance. Would you get a tan there? Do you think? Because 50% of my audience would find what you just said offensive. I should say the other 50% would really love it. 50% of pro IRA Is the other 50 pro IDF?

Yeah, I think that's it. Yeah. Okay, good. It's wild. Everything's a direct split, but yeah, right down the middle. It's a famous Irish rebel song written by Dominic Behan that satirizes the British forces in Ireland. And the Black and Tans were a notorious violent parliamentary force used during the Irish War of

independence. So it's like a fuck you to the English. Yes. Yeah. I just, I think it's important to be informative. Yes. Because I don't want anything I say to be taken out of context because of my ignorance.

In some ways, all of these answers are a bit of a fuck you two English. The language. Yeah. All right, Cam, what do you reckon? I think it's you too can be tanned. All right.

Locked in. Lock it in. Lock it in. Lock it in. Yeah, because we're talking Bono, I guess YouTube. Yeah.

Yeah. And the edge. And Adam Clayton. And Larry, yeah. And Larry Muller. Yeah. The whole game. What was the one?

Top of the Browning. Yeah. That's like top of the morning, I guess. I do quite like sprayed out of. Sprayed out of Cardiff. One hero. You really like the one euro? I mean, as soon as I was like, what was the bro again?

What was the name of the street? And then there's one answer that has a street name in it. Clearly you. I quite like it. You have no reason to be doing this right now. You're the last tip. I'm doing this. That is so true.

Who are you trying to convince? Look, we think you're really clever. Sometimes people jump off. Oh, true. You're fine, yeah. No, but I think it's a really smart idea, and it was a really good way. You could have gone.

That's all the one. Sprayed out of Dublin. Oh, my God. So much better. Instant punch out from that. Sprayed out of Dublin. Yeah. Shit.

Fuck. Three spotted fuck. Um, but I, yeah. Okay. Can I please lock in, um,

the, I'll also go to you two. Okay. Yeah. Locked in. All right. He's who wrote the answers. Sprayed out of Cardiff Bridge Road.

What's the rent? My one that I wrote late last night that I, like, Moisturizer Wilhelm the second. I think it's like

because he was a Kaiser, I guess. Terrible. Is he German as well? Why did you do that? If I had my time again, I would have done Paul Moisturizer

after Paul Reiser from me at Manamating, yeah. And it could have been, yeah, Paul Moisturizer, colon. Tand about you.

Yeah. That would have been the pick. That would have been the pick. That would have been the pick. Top of the browning, that was Cam. See, you didn't need to feel bad about that. That was certainly not the worst of them. No, it was all right.

Now. Oh, no. Well, it's close to. It's just getting to the pointy end of it. Starting to think I've been tricked. Cam and Saran went for you two. Could be tan. That was elf.

Fuck. Oh, congrats. Shit. A little trickster. A little trickster. Elf went for come out and get ye tans. That was Kayla, okay, the question writer. Oh, wow.

Okay, great. In the correct answer was the dullest one probably, man. Only tans. Only tans. Only turns. You know what we should have known? Because I think we're all better than only tans. Yeah, you're right.

Do you know what I don't think any of us would have done only tern. That's first thought. We went to. We went to what. We thought about the place. And we went, we're going to do something that honestly. an Irish culture. And we thought about the place a little too much some of us.

Got real specific. Said in Dublin, but yeah. So after four rounds, the scores are now Saran and Camon 2, house on three, but way out in front of five points itself. Oh my Lord. Question five, penultimate question here comes from,

actually comes from Dublin from Conor Tyrell. Okay, but what street? And Codon's question is, what was unique about the 20, 21 American football game between IMG Academy and Bishop Sycamore. Something happened there that is a bit strange. There's a football game, American football game in 2021 between IMG Academy and Bishop Sycamore. What was unique about that game?

And while you're writing your answers, here's some more info about only tans. Kayla writes, according to Google, there are also tanning salons called Only Tans in Salford and Wiggin, as well as only tans with a Z in Orthington. One in Dublin even has had its logo look like the only fans one. All right. Answers are in. Question five. What was unique about the 2021 American football game

between IMG Academy and Bishop Sycamore? After the IMG won the game by a huge margin, it was revealed Bishop Sycamore weren't a real high school team and the whole thing was a scam. Option one. Option two was the first high school game. game to take place entirely at sea. Okay.

Whimsy? Option three. It was actually a hyper-realistic video game accidentally broadcast as if it was a real game. Option four, the game had to be postponed after a herd of moose invaded the playing field and injured five players. Option five, Ed Jones, otherwise known as too tall, fumbled the ball on the fourth down because at the time he was doing it.

a 16-11. Can I just say, I think answers like that, are they're fun, are actually detrimental because now we know they're not real. So I find that immensely complex, emotionally to deal with. I agree. I agree. Well, what's the last one?

The last one is, they all fucked. Is it really? Yeah. Interesting. Oh, my goodness, you're such boys. You're such boys. It's like last night I was playing Jenga in a nightclub with these guys. And then it turns out that I always thought you play Jenga as a team to do well.

I always thought that was the objective. You're working, taking turns. I didn't realize they played it so that the next person is going to knock the tower down. Oh, I see. So they're playing for destruction. They're playing for destruction. I was absolutely baffled. You want to get it high.

Yeah, well, what's the joy of building a tower? You know, anyway, that's just my feelings right now. Sorry. I'm with you. Sorry to elicit that emotion in you. And thank you for hearing me when I voice me. I do feel, I'm curious to see how complex your emotions are when it is revealed to be they all fucked. Because that's obvious.

That's the obvious answer, I believe. It would be pretty exciting. Eated rivalry before he had been really unusual if that's what happened. Yes, it would be. It would take so long. Because they've got so much passion. Like, if you really break it down, the OJMD.

It's actually more likely that they played at sea. Two full teams. The offensive and defensive teams as well. And then special teams. Oh, my God. They're just in there giving that extra hand, I guess. Now, Cam, what do you think? Oh, yeah.

I'm going to need to hear them again, please. They all fuck. Well, I'll do them in reverse all. It's something interesting about they all. Reverse order. They all fucked. He did it. He was doing a 69.

Okay. Ridiculous. Heard of Moose and baited in the field. It was a hyper-realistic video game broadcast. Accidentally broadcasts it as if it was real. It took place at sea or one of the teams turned out to be a fake high school. I really want it to be fake high school. I want that talented Mr. Ripley.

Like there's a con. Yeah. But I can't see how. that would happen, but I really want that to be it. In 2021, like, you can Google high schools. Yeah, yeah. But could it be, could it be, you know what, I'm going to go with a realistic video game was accidentally broadcast as a game.

I don't know how that is possible either. I've really seen 2021. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know how really. Shit, you know, right. Five years is a long time. Moose, I'm looking in moose. Yep.

All right. Fuck, that was terrible. Okay. Suram, what do you think? So five of the players were injured. Yeah, it doesn't say how, uh, drastically or whatever. I think it is the video game one. Okay.

I think, um, of all the options, that's the one that speaks to me the most. And I can't say why. No. And I, and I, and I, it's a secret. Yeah. Oh, ideally you will talk things out a little bit more on a audio format like this. Well, I think that at 2021, um, the, you know, the graphics on video games are quite. Okay.

quite good. And I think maybe just like if someone having a bit of fun on the, yeah. So it got broadcast. Yeah, it doesn't say that people believed it, I guess. Yeah. You know, maybe everyone's like, I just don't know why you would do a video.

Like, there's more answer. Like, if you did a video game of like an actual adult team. But who goes to school groups. Like, it goes from being like, oh, interesting AI to a little bit noncy. Yeah. So I, like, who would... But American, they are full on about their school sports. But I suppose they are, yeah.

It's like Friday Night Light sort of thing. That was high schools, wasn't it? Yeah, they're obsessed with high school football. Yeah, I suppose. I mean, yeah. I have nothing to watch. But in Australia would like, like the high school football team, there might be three people watching, maybe if they'd walk past.

That's a shame that not all their parents would be there to support them. Parents don't support in Australia. Because you will have tool poppies. Yes, that's right. Could you do a quick, I'm your son, right? And I'm asking you, you're my dad and I want you to come to the game, but you don't want to. Hey, Dad, will you be coming to my high school football game today? Oh, no.

I actually can do an Australian accent, but I just can't think of it right now. I can't think of what to say, oh, no, son. Oh, I'm too busy building a shit. I can't come because I'm a sketch comedy character I have to do it based off I haven't really been fleshed out yeah I have to be able to do impressions of actual people so if he was like oh sorry

oh I didn't know you were going to turn up on time I just disordered to hear asleep the cat's got dementia and my aunt dodd in this house that's more in my room that is I mean I like how out of context that is for the listeners Yeah, they weren't here for that.

You've got, I cannot just say, you have such a good body for your age. For a woman of your age to be in such good shape, he's like, good on you. Good on you. I'm so sorry for that. Yeah, I take it back. I thought I was saying something quite sweet. Okay, so Sirend's going for the video game. Cam's gone for the moose.

What do you think, girl? I'm going to go for C. Sea. Out at sea. I just feel like it's... Played on a barge. I feel like it's going to be just some sort of weird because hours see, how far at sea are we talking?

It was COVID, actually. So it's probably like social distancing and stuff. Oh, interesting. Let's just go out to sea. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to say ours. Oh, yeah, COVID. So maybe it was a video game.

No, I'm going to say C. All right. Here's who wrote the answers. I could have all fucked. something. They all fucked. Cam. Everyone's locked it in.

Yeah. You're right. The two tall Jones fumbled because he was doing a 60-9. That was Serene. Guys, it's almost like you've given up, but you didn't want to be one. Yes.

I wanted to get a correct answer and I wanted to throw, I couldn't think of anything. I'm sorry. I feel really bad, Elf. Elf, I'm with you. I really think they are disrespecting the game and all of us here. Yeah, thank you. Yeah.

Well, I just wanted to put a smile on my own face. On the dial. If you can put a smile on a dial, you know, you've done your job. You've done your job. All right. Elf went for, it took place entirely at C. That was actually Connor, the question writer. So that's a point for the house.

Well done, Connor. Connor also wrote the highly realistic video game one. So, Zora, you've given him another point there. I'll edit that out, please. And Conner's an also hand of the editor. They weren't any other ones, though. Why haven't finished? Oh, sorry.

There were others. There were two. Okay. Including your one. Yes. Which Cam went for. The moose. That was elf.

Oh. Wimical. Love it. Love a moose. I want to see a moose so bad. I should have known. You felt too good to be true. Yeah.

No, but it's actually quite, you could believe it. It's eccentric enough that you think, oh, people talk about it. Yes. But it's, you know. I could believe it. You're welcome. I wanted to believe, really. Yeah,

I was just really good at this game. But that means the correct answer is Bishop Sycamore weren't a real high school. Oh, wow. Isn't that crazy in 2021? That is really cool. I want to know all about it.

I'm going to do my own research. Yeah, do your own research. Just like I did during code. Well, how did they figure it out? All the players were 48 or something. They were really bad. They lost. They didn't score.

And apparently the commentators they're going, this is weird. This is almost like they're not a real-out-a-reli. So that means Elf gets another point, and the house gets two there. So going into the final round, we've got Cam and Serentzel on two apiece, house is up to five,

but Elf's still just in front on six points, but this final round is worth triple points. So it's truly anyone's game. So Sorin and Cam do want to try again. I've been trying. I've been trying to pick the right one. Yeah. That counts for something.

It really does. It counts for nothing. And we normally, Elf, we normally finish with a movie synopsis question. Okay. Cam does it like films?

No, he's a, he's a registered. I'm one of the, I'm registered cinnepile. When you say registered, what do you mean? I have to go door to door

when I move into a new neighborhood. If there's a cinema, you can't live if there's a cinema. Tell people I like movies and stuff. Yeah. Okay. Well, that's nice.

Yeah. You're all right. Yeah, I'm fine. Okay, cool. but because he knows every movie and I can't, I tend to not be able to go and pass him. Not every movie,

but I do like cinema. Well, there we go. Revealed. But it has happened where you pick the most obscure movie. And yeah, Cam's like, I saw it. Pretty much every time I've done this,

you've had done this precursor and said, I know you know everything and then you've picked something I don't know. Well, I haven't picked a movie at all this time. Oh. I've picked, you still need to a synopsis, but this is for a smut book. Yes.

So the question comes from Parker Riley from Richmond, Virginia, and the question is, what is the synopsis of the obscure smut book, Morning Glory Milking Farm by C.M. Nacosta. Jesus Christ. What's it called? Morning Glory milking farm. As a prude, I'm really not into this.

As a registered prude. So, yeah, this would be your like, you know, Morning Glory milking farm. longest answer. Morning glory milking. Farm. So probably like, you know, it's a paragraph, three or four sentences, probably ish.

While you're writing those answers, I can tell the listeners a little bit more about this Bishop Sycamore hullabaloo Conowiki. American football team named the Bishop Sycamore Centurians, based in Columbus, Ohio, God's country itself, purported to be the high school football team.

And the high school was advertised as an athletic sport. to Training Academy, but after a 58 to nil blowout loss to IMG Academy that was televised on ESPN, there was increased scrutiny and an investigation of the school's existence. It feels like the investigation could be a quick Google, but anyway, a former executive for the Ohio High School Athletic Association came forward to say that after three years of investigating the school, he was convinced that it was a scam. The game was aired on ESPN as the finale of the 2021 ESPN High School Kickoff series,

a weekend of high school football showcases televised by ESPN's networks featuring prominent teams. The games were booked by the company Paragon Marketing, which is historically served as a partner for ESPN's high school events. Paragon was unable to find a team willing to play IMG because they were so good. So they outsource their efforts to a man named Joe Maiman, who runs a company called Prep Gridiron Logistics. Maimon contacted 200 schools to play IMG, but only Bishop Sycamore was willing to do it.

The game was expected by many to be a game between two elite programs, but was far from competitive. IMG Academy was dominant throughout the entire game, winning 58-0. As the lopsided contests ensured, play-by-play announcer Aynish Shroff. That's a great name.

And color commentator Tom Lugan Bill, Another fantastic name began to question the legitimacy of the Centurions on air. They revealed that ESPN had been unable to verify claims that its roster contained NCAA Division I college prospects, and they could not find any mention of Bishop Sycamore or its players in any recruiting databases. Shroff wondered how Bishop Sycamore was booked for a nationally televised game against IMG, the most talented prep team in the country. To Shroff's mind, the game appeared to be such a mismatch that, quote,

but there's got to be a point now where you're worried about their health and safety. Lug and Bill agreed saying that the game could potentially get dangerous due to Bishop Sycamore's apparent lack of talent. After IMG scored 23 points in the first quarter organizers for the event spoke to Bishop Sycamore's coach Leroy Johnson about calling the game off via the mercy rule, but he refused. After the game, Johnson was sacked and replaced by Tyron Jackson as head coach in an interview with Columbus TV station WCMH TV following its hiring, Jackson acknowledged that the organisation was not a school

and should not be identified as one. We're not a school, he said. That's not what Bishop Sycamore is. And I think that was the biggest misconception about us. And that was our fault because that was a mistake on paperwork. Final question. Yes. Answers are in.

Great. Let me remind you of it. It is, what is the synopsis of the obscure smut book, Morning Glory milking farm by C.M. Nacosta. You have five options.

Only one house option on this one as well. Can you read each one of them quite like, bah, bam,

bam, bam, sensually. I can do my best. Yeah. Are you a sensual person? No. Okay.

But he's tender. Yeah, you're tender. There's no doubt you're not tender. You're like a beautiful, soft, like you're like animal farm.

What's the horse gets killed. He's like, boxer, you're like boxer. Yeah. I must work harder to build the mill. Is that way? You like that as a level? Yeah. Yeah. Hard work. Like, yeah. Hard work. I'm, you know, getting in there. Put the hours in. It feels like work. Yeah. You're the cat. What's the animal? He's more like, he's like, I'll do the work when I'm ready. But I'll eat the corn when I can. And you're like Moses the Crow because he comes in. He's like, Candy Mountain.

What does that mean? pretty cool he comes in at the start and he's just like another human here we haven't seen anyone that's so lovely we occasionally see people use the bins oh haven't that's great Animal Farm I'm sorry And who are you on Animal Farm? There's a little

There's a little... It sounds like you've seen like a cartoon version I recently went and saw a two-hour children's production because I taught a class and the kids were like how when you come and see the show so I was like of course and then I turned up not realising it was It was a two-hour full production of animal farm. They used a lot of AI, and they used a lot of footage of them being shot in the head. Great.

I think it was all dressed as animals on all fours going, going up to people, going, going, woof, woof, woof. And I thought, someone needs to talk to the teacher about how, how this looks. But there's a horse in it who just loves having ribbons and her hair, and she's not very good at being involved with the work. and then she goes off and joins another farm. She's like, la, la, la, that's me. I like ribbons in my hair. Okay, cool.

All right, I'm going to do my best to read these. Did you say, sulturally? Sensually. Sensual. Okay, that's a good note. If you, uh, and I'll be the judge if you're being sensual enough. Because I want to, I want you to stir something with me. After, after each one of you, say more or less.

Yeah. I'm more set like this. More. You're a natural bond director, I think. Yeah. I feel like I'm directing you right now. I want you to make me feel something. Okay.

Morning Glory milking farm. Okay, I'm done. Morning glory, milking farm is a story of self-discovery. Searching for purpose, Doug Diningen takes on a mysterious offer for a well-paid farm-hand. Is your vision of reading something sensual as just reading it a bit softer? I think so. I don't know. I really don't know what about it.

Do you know what I think that's better. Yeah, okay. Okay. There is more than meets the eye, though, when hunky dairy farmer, Glenn Dumfey teaches Doug that milking is not just gently pulling on cows' tates, though that is a big part of it, admittedly. All right, that's option one. Okay, just before we continue, and I may have said this before, and I'm sorry if I have. I find it so intriguing and brave that this podcast is all about you reading things, and you really struggle. you really struggle to do that.

It's a fight every time. Do you have it on a white background? Have you go to dyslexia? I don't think so. Try changing the background to a different colour, and I wonder if you will find the way you read, you'll be more confident. I don't think you read badly, by the way.

The way you're suggesting that it seems that this isn't a reoccurring issue that you lack confidence. I'm saying it's brave. I'm not trying to... You know what you're saying it's brave. is brave as having a good body for a woman in your 13th? That's brave. That's brave.

The bravest. It's super brave. Option two. 22 year old city slicker Dawn Tennant inherits her great aunt's family dairy farm. Tired of Manhattan life and reeling from a life-shattering breakup from her fiancé Todd. Dawn packs up and moves to the country where she meets the dark and brooding stable hand Drew who awakens a long dormant desire from within her loins. Doyne embarks

Doyne Doyne Dorn embarks on an erotic journey of self-discovery A quest to learn the family secret And a new found respect For agricultural life Dawn is breaking

Are you ready for the morning glory That's option two Option three Welcome to Fisty Farm Softskin Sally Our box and stable girl is frothing at the bit After Cattleman Tardis

The new luscious Lifestock at Flour Fancy Farm shows her how to make him squirt like her prize-winning Fisty Frisians. Holy fuck. From hand jobs in the hay pales to sodomy on the saddles. Sluddy Sally ends her day covered in cream and it's not just milk. Some of it's come? Holy shit.

Why bother reading the book? So much erotic. Just on the back cover. Option four. Violet is a typical down-on-new luck millennial, mid-20s, over-educated and drowning in debt on the verge of moving into her parents' basement when a life line appears in the form of a very unconventional job

in neighbouring Cambrick Creek. She has no choice but to grab it with both hands. The clientele at Morning Glory Farm is Grade A certified prime beef with the manly, meaty endowments to match. Hands on work with minotores isn't something Violet ever considered as a career option, but she's, determined to turn the opportunity into a reversal of fortune. Or finally, having just finished school, Lola sets out on a gap year to Australia,

leaving her hometown village in Lithuania for the first time. Oh my God. Upon arriving in Australia, Lola is informed by Border Force that she is travelling on an agricultural visa and she must spend time working on a farm. And not only that, she must have updated health insurance. Lola reaches out to a dairy farm and they never get back to her. After a few weeks, Lola does not have many options lined up and receives a phone call from the immigration department.

Lola boards a flight back to Lithuania where she spends the rest of her life helping relieve men who work up with the Russians. Oh my God. I feel like that is questionable. There was so much admin in that. Also, the poor girl goes, like, ends up, wait, leaves Lithuania to go to Australia. then goes back to

and ends up as a sex worker in Lithuania. Yes. Feel like there's some stereotypes being used in that one? Yeah, pretty disappointing. But it's a smut novel. Huh? It's a smut novel. Yeah.

Yeah. This is fantasy ideas. Your... Is your fantasy a young student being completely fucked over by government bureaucracy? Not everyone's fantasy is a minotaur. Wait, who has a mean? Minotaur.

I think... One of them has a... Violet... Violet, uh... Yeah. Oh, that's quite... The farm is minotores, I guess. Oh, so it's bestial.

It's bestial erotica. Hands-on work with minotores. Isn't something Violet ever considered as a career option. I feel like there needs to be more up front that there's going to be minotores and... I reckon the front cover would probably give that away. You look at the front cover and go, oh, she's having sex with a minotaur, I guess. Wow. Oh, they go.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm just saying. He'd be big and ripped. In some cases you should judge your book by its cover. Yeah. Suram, what do you think? Triple points up for grabs.

I like soft skin Sally. Yeah, but I don't think it's that. The Dawn one, you were reading it so well, and that was the first one you read after you'd been challenged by Cam. Yeah, do you think I've lifted? I did feel. Did you hear that what I lifted? See, the director has to know.

Is it the character or is it the whip? The stick? And you chose stick. You responded well to the stick. Yeah. I wish I did. Until you, I think you said doign or something.

Doin, I did say doin. And then I felt like you were brave. I think it's the Minotaur one, I reckon. Because that is big right now in smut books. Is it?

I think so. Minotors? I think so. Yep. Okay. They like the best selling books. Best selling books. And what do you think?

They all sound bothers. skin. They're all like a young girl goes to work, moves to a town and gets railed, finds love. All of them very focused on what she studied at degree level. There's something I'm picking up is everyone's like, it's really important that these smuddy shows that they're also educated women. Yeah. They're searching for purpose.

They're searching for purpose and orgasm. Yeah. So the first one, what was that one again? that was one with Doug Deningham and Glenn Dumfey Doug Denningham is quite a good name Yeah that one there was no woman in that one That was Doug and Glenn A rivalry style

Doug and Doug and Glenn Okay Then the second one was Dawn Tennant Who inherit her aunt's dairy farm It's called comfort farm But with sex, yeah And then Fisty Farm with soft skin Sally

And the cattleman Titus and she ends up with cum all over it. And some cream. They did say it's not all cream. Got Violet at the Minotaur Farm where the farm is a grade A certified prime beef with media endowments to match. And then we had the last one about the Lithuanian

when it really got bogged down in the Australian Border Force. Yeah, that one, yeah, I'm going to go for the first one. The one about Doug and Glenn. Doug and Glenn. All right, locked in. Cam, what do you think? The one that's covered in calm is you, Health, I believe, because you were giggling with so much joy throughout the raid.

And also you were giggling with so much joy while you were writing it. No, that was when I was talking about government bureaucracy, see if I getting an agricultural visa. Lithuania to me feels serene. No offense. Yeah. No offense. It didn't feel offensive to his subject.

Well, I just because Elf, I called you out on it, having quite a, what was the word you used at the end? Problematic. Yeah, sort of a, that's what it's a stereotypes at the end. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. As soon as I heard, yeah, there's some stereotypes in this.

I thought, Seren loves stereotypes. It was like a seren. I think, so I'm now torn between, what was the one with meaty endowments? That was the Minotors. That's Minotors, and that's not the one that ends with cream covered all that. No, the one that ended up with cream is soft skin Sally, the Bucksome Stable Girl. Oh, you know what? You're going to really...

Sally's quite glaborous, actually. Oh. Yeah, she is a big... Doesn't have any scales. No scales on her. I'm going to go... I'm going to go minotores as well. Minotors, two minotors.

Those, um, that's really in right now, in smart. Is that what you've been hearing? Yeah, I'm hearing that on the street. It's just a stereotype, but I... Stand by it. All right. Here is who wrote what? Now, Cam.

You thought Seren wrote the Lithuanian one, and you were right. Can I just point out? In my eye head, it was funny to make it really dry and admin. I love that. And then just have the little twist of horniness at the end. And any problematic nature to it was purely subconscious and deeply rooted in my core. Yeah. It wasn't intentional.

It's a misogyny that comes from deep within. Deep within. It wasn't intentional. Yeah. You weren't doing it to like satirise or anything. It's just, it's just in there. To make that clear.

I wanted to express myself. Now, Cam, you thought soft skin Sally who ends up with cream all over was elf. Yes. And you were right. You were having so much fun as it was being read. Like, just I found that so impressive how you just went bang, bang.

And they're both having to sit there sort of squirming like, No. My one does sound fun though, doesn't it? Totally. Yeah. I had a nice time thinking about it. But as I said, like,

if you just read the back of that cover in the book, you wouldn't even bother buying the book. I'm sorry, but you go, but you read smart because you're like, I don't read smart because I want to know narratively what's going to go on. I'm just like fucking rail each other.

Get to it. So if a book's telling me like every other page, you're going to have come everywhere. Thank you. Yes, please. Cool. Okay. I guess all that page is cream.

Every other pages are drawing. Now, Elf went for the one about Doug and Glenn. That was the house, I'm afraid. So I didn't get any points. You didn't get any points? But that's not fair. I don't understand. Such a British reaction to getting something, getting no points.

No offense. Why are you fighting with me? It's kind of fun. The one about 22-year-old city slicker Dawn Tennant, doin, moving from Manhattan. That was Cam. Yeah. Meaning that Cam and Serena are correct. It is the Minotaur one.

So you absolutely dominated that round. Not only got the correct one. But I also shamed my two colleagues. And you didn't get points for that. You did not shame me. No points for that. I feel no shame for soft skin, Sally. Good, good.

So are we on those saddles dates online? Thank you very much. That's really good. While I'm adding up the schools, I can tell you that it has an average rating on Amazon of 3.8 out of 5. And a review from Jody G reads, yeah, what the hell did I just read?

It was really bad. So bad it was good. I shouldn't like it, but it was really funny. Was it supposed to be funny? The hand jobs were written well. But the blowy and sex made me laugh. And his balls were as big as large oranges.

That affects. stuck in my brain. It's read and I'm confused, but the author is bringing out the same story but told from his point of view next. Will I read it? Oh my God. Yes. Also, I believe I'm now an expert on minotors or well, their penises at least.

I will never be the same after reading this. Three and a half stars. That's like, I wish comedy reviews were written like that. Have you ever seen that guy who reviews all the shows in Sydney? Oh, Sydney critic. Yeah, I think it's him. Yeah. I've been reviewed by him many times.

The guy, he's got sort of, he looks a little bit like a character from a Jim Carrey, like ghost film. Yeah, I've actually never seen him. I had him pointed out to me. Yeah. I think Steph or someone knew who he would look like. Oh, that's an AI picture too as well. They've used AI for the milking time.

Yeah, I think a lot of, I'm wondering how much of it is even written. Oh, yeah. They're just banging out these books on writer. Yeah. Yeah. You're expecting a real. Minotaur. Yeah, I thought it would be a real detailed mentor penis.

There's no penis there, but they are pouring out cream. Cream. So, yeah. The implication is. She looks, I mean, yeah, she looks like she's enjoying it. She looks to me a bit like soft skin Sally. Should we just visually describe it to the listener? Oh, sure.

That's a really good point. Just so they can join in on the joke. Please. So we're in the background. We have a nice forest on a summer's day. we have a minor tour with Auburn hair. His eyes are closed. He's ruminating.

He's incredibly ripped. Very strong, very big arms, very hard antlers. And she's got long, Auburn hair. And she's leaning into him just whimsically going, and because he's holding her so lovingly, she's dripping the cream all over her knee. Yeah. And it's, yeah.

And it says it's a monster bait romance. A monster bait romance. What does that mean? I think it's a part. hung on master bait. Oh. You said you weren't good at those. Monster bait romance.

Monster bait. Okay. All right. Final scores. It's wild. It tightened up so much in the end. One point separates everyone in equal second place on five points a piece. It's Seren and Cam.

But winning the day on six points a piece, it's Elf in the House. Oh. I won. You won. Yay. Thank you. Thank you. Thanks so much for playing.

Thank you. Now, this episode will be out this week, this Monday. Okay. Do you want to let people know where your tour is running through? Yeah. Or I can, if you like. Do you know? I know.

So I'm doing my show Swan, which is an award-winning reenactment of Swan Lake, clown comedy show, very silly. I'm doing it all the time at Adelaide French. And then I'm taking it to the Malt House of Melbourne International Comedy Festival for the whole thing. And then I take it to Sydney. for the Sydney Comedy Festival at the factory. Then I take it to Perth for the Perth Comedy Festival.

And then Brisbane for one night at the Powerhouse. And then I take it to New Zealand for the New Zealand Comedy Festival. So I'm here until May. It's a bigger. So you must have like 50 odd shows coming up. Yeah, and I'm also building a new show as well, which I'm doing shows of called The Woman on the Edge in Melbourne for four nights only. Awesome.

At Maltouse as well? No, those are at the Greek. Cool. And people confirm they just Google Elfew. Yeah, if you go on my website, all the details. Or just follow me on Instagram is probably the quickest, most efficient way. And I'm teaching loads of workshops on mime and clanging and how to make shows. Awesome.

And all of them. Yeah, great. Now, Cam, you're not doing a show this year, but you're directing one. Do you want to talk about Sam Taunton's show, maybe? Yes, I am a director of a show by Sam Taunton. It's called This Must Be the Place. And it's really funny. I've already watched it about eight times.

and I know it off by heart and I hate it now but I love it it's great he's so funny and it's really would you do it if he got sick one night I could be his understudy yeah

it's yeah really funny and really lovely stories about childhood and growing up and stuff like that I'm not doing a show but I'll be going to watch shows so I'd like to plug

everyone else's show including elves and yours Matt and yours Surin okay yeah great thank you and what about podcast or anything else like that you got going at the moment? No, you know, I'm in a TV show that's about to come out, actually.

In, like, I don't think I'm technically allowed to say the date, but it's in April. And it's Anne Edmonds and Kitty Flanagan's new sitcom. And I am the little cuck man in that. Podcast. Yeah, and so I'll be in that. And anyway, if people follow me on Instagram, I'll post when it. it's out and stuff. But it's really funny.

Awesome. They're both so funny. They're geniuses. Saram, we'll have just left that, I, but where are we going? We'll be in the Melbourne

International Comedy Festival doing a show together, Matt and I, at the Cooper's Inn, I think from the 6th of April to the 20th. And you know, Sean ABC's out now?

Yeah, just aired last week. So I can jump on Ivy. It's a brand new comedy panel show called Tonight at the Museum. Cam is in one of the episodes. which I think was probably my favourite of the...

It was my favourite. Yeah. But it's really fun. If you like QI, that kind of thing, just comedians being silly in a museum. It's pretty cool at night. So check it out on the Ivy tonight at the museum. Yeah, do all that.

Listeners, hang around. There'll be some outtake sort of stuff later. I think there was a lot of nonsense talk that will be saved for the end. The editor corner will clip out little bits that aren't, super link to the game, put them at the end. And people seem to like that bit more than they, I would like to think they like the show more. But some say that's their favorite bit,

which would be so much easy to make a show where it's just us talking shit. If that's what they want, maybe I'm just thinking about it now. Maybe I'll start doing that. It would be the first podcast to do that, I think. Thanks so much for joining us. Thanks so much for listening, everyone.

Hey, why don't give us a five-star review, tell your friends. You think they might enjoy it. And cheers to tuning into Who New with Matt Stewart. you know what, I've been at Stowe. Goodbye. Actually good. I'm wrong. You've been on Mike the whole time.

Yeah, yeah. We're recording. You are now, though. Okay. Okay. So we just found out I have anxiety. Sorry, if I've made you feel anxious from doing that. No, that actually relaxed me.

That actually made me feel good. The diagnosis is relief. You get released. I am feeling a little bit freer. Yeah. And I think it is all tied to the fact that I felt scared about admitting that I'm directing my friend's shirt. You have really.

Relaxed. Thank you so much. Remember, no one else is your number one fan. No one else ever backs you the way you do. That's so true. Can you do your Australian accent on Mark? Oh, no, I'm nervous. Tell me something to say.

I'll say something like, it's good to be here or something. Oh, hello. No, I can't do it now. I can only do impressions. There's nothing private anymore. He's nothing private anymore. That's pretty good. So sometimes I can be really good.

I think it's really, it's like a, you do it a real thick one, which I like. Which I like. Well, I think we've all got softer ones. Yeah, well, you're right at the bottom of, you're like, you talk at the soft of the front of your mouth. Yeah. Oh, no, now I'm going to be thinking.

I can't talk about it. Because you talk when you smile, because when you, I listen to you, it's easy to tell that you always smile when you speak. Right. Yeah, like they'll hear the smile. Now they can hear the frown. Try to speak and frown.

Sounds identical. Sounds exactly. Isn't anything pro of it anymore? Any questions before we start? No. I mean, how are you? Thank you so much. I'm good.

I'm pretty good. Good. Well, I mean, the list is we are recording. and mine on Serren's a combination in Adelaide and it is just a single room It's a room And it is

I didn't really think about it Until I guess arrived That it's quite embarrassing To show Like it was until now Our secret shame Yes We had Sorin's sleeping on a fold out

couch next to the oven One of the beautiful benefits Of being at the end of a dark alley Is that no one will No Yeah I'm telling you invite Two comedians

down that dark alley with you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just don't think the television's big enough. It's crazy. It's a wall. It's one of the walls. And the bathroom is also oversized. It's just all upside.

I'd love to get in here with a sledgehammer and knock that wall out to start. I'd change the whole layout of the kitchen. I've got big plans for the studio. I reckon you could get maybe you could get a bedroom in here. Definitely you could get a bedroom in here. Maybe too. You could do a little bunk situation. Oh, yeah.

Or, you know, a little sort of. lofty thing. I'd have one of you guys up top, one of you guys beneath. That would be way better than what we've got. Yeah,

because currently Soran's heads in the oven, which is scary. And I love the microwave, which is not good for you. I hope you're switching it off at night time. No, I shouldn't use it.

I should just turn it off. It's a little night light. We don't have that. But I'm really worrying about it. Just a crack. So there's a little bit of light, picky. All right.

It's beautiful in here, guys. Congratulations. Thank you so much. Thank you. Congrats on all your success. We made it. If you can do the fringe, you've got to do it right. And I think this is safe.

We actually could easily afford better than this. Yeah. We just want to do it right. Yeah. This is fringe. Our ticket sales mean that we could, yeah. Penthouse. You could sell.

Elton, yes. It's a little off brand. Definitely. What does your bio say? Oh. Very nice man. I don't know. He gets the big bed in the studio apartment.

Matt is an award-winning Melbourne-based comedian, writer, actor and director. Fucking hell. He's been writing, directing and creating comedy since 2009. I think it's really important to read back on your stuff sometimes. Like, before a show, if I'm bringing an old show back, I reread all the five and four-star reviews to remind myself of why it was a good show because you can do that thing where you bring it back and you go, oh, God, this is terrible, I'm terrible.

And then I have to go, it's not up to me. It's what the audience thought. And then I go through all of that. And then I have to literally like pump myself up to then go back out. Does that make sense? Yeah. Does that make me sound like a psychopath? Or like your, is that what you mean?

Like, and then the old show feels like that. Yeah, well, you can be so nasty to you. You know, when you start touring a show so often or like if you're doing Adelaide and then Melbourne, Sydney and etc. You don't collate all the good memories. I think as an artist because we're so horrible to ourselves. You collect all the times you weren't exceptional or you weren't your idea of the best. So then you let that define what you consider yourself to be an artist and as a performer.

And then you have to go, no, because that's now actually impacting what the show is. And then you think it's like you just slowly keep changing the perspective of the show until it becomes something totally different. So you have to go back and reread and remind yourself of. Should we go back and reread your five-star reviews as well before we talk? I actually brought a PDF. That would be really handy. No, but I think it's quite good to do.

I don't think it's nasty to take pride in your work. It is funny like, yeah, to look back, oh, if this was someone else, this sounds like a pretty good career. Yeah, but this is because we live in isolation almost all the time and we're so self-deprecating the way you guys talk about this apartment and how well you're doing. But the reality is like we are doing, we're living, we've won the lottery. Living the dream. I'm sorry, I'm not being very fun. I see, look, now, what would you say to yourself if you're a problem? apologize then.

I'd say stop apologizing in front of three men. I'm clicking for that. Patriarchy, stop it. Yeah, the patriarchy sucks. It's so annoying. It's so annoying. Oh my God, some guy said to me last week, you went, you've got such a great body for a woman of your age.

I'm like, I'm 34. What is? I don't know what happens when you turn 30. Suddenly everyone in the world starts treating women like their skexies from the dark crystals. Who was this guy? A magician. We met a nice time.

That's crazy. That is an insane thing to say. I also didn't know we were allowed to say stuff like that. You're not, babe. You are so not. All right. So I can't just go around saying that tonight. The real magic is being able to say things to someone.

Is this your card? By the way. And you can't vote for your own one. You can't vote for your own. Because there was an issue in one of the episodes when someone technically did because they knew the answer. Oh, was that a recent episode? Yes, and I was...

That was confusing. That hadn't happened before. I didn't know what to do. And I think you handled the situation as well as he could have done. That's real damning by faint praise, I think. It did as well as you could. Yours hasn't surrendered that, maybe because you haven't sent one?

He's still emerging. Takes a little longer. Okay, so next question, I guess you have sneaky little snacks. Re-signed into the... This while you're off, Mike, I like it. Well played. Must be edited out, no worries. Smooth as.

Smoo is gliboros. That was a glaboris work. How's the toast? There's peanut butter and banana and blueberries. It seems to be just with lots of oil as well. Oh, yeah. I'd say it makes something fancy. Yeah.

I went for a very similar breakfast, just went around the corner to had a, there's a croissant with cheese and tomato in it. I mean, that's a totally different thing. Yeah, couldn't be more different. It was closed. I don't know. One of you've got to have named a different cup of bread.

Yeah. And two in the same ballpark. Don't you think? Why didn't you eat them? Yeah. I think they're almost, to me, they're just too, they're two options where you go to a cafe and go, I need to eat something quickly.

I think that's even tighter than just something you eat, you know. They're closer. I think they're more related than, you know, whatever that is you ate in like a rump steak, for instance. Yeah, but I was never asking for that comparison. Yeah, you've invented a scenario where you get to compare different foods. now and act like you're right for some reason. So I wasn't holding my microphone.

Yeah, you said down the paycheck and I just want to let you know just in case you weren't aware that about 50% of my audience would disagree with that. But 50% would really love it. They're all males, just half of them are the good guys. I love those guys. Yeah. You like the good guys? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Don't worry. My audience is predominantly the good guys. Yeah. Really nice guys who are like, finally a woman who just talks in detail about Lord of the Rings and ballet through mime. A little project.

There is. It's like, yeah, it's slow podcasting, you know. Every now and then there's just silence for a bit. It's very, it's very different to doing it,

podcast in the UK. I find, and also, because when you do do a podcast, it's often to sell something. And it's so, like, fast-paced and, like, everyone's desperately trying to jump on each other's backs to be the funny. This is quite like, we're just, we're just doing our best. Yeah, we're just trying to make a memory. Doing some creative writing. Just sign someone's living room, bedroom kitchen.

The setup does make me think we're all here to finish a science project. And you're like, guys, we've got to really do this tomorrow. I fucking hate puns. Yeah, I know. I put this together pretty late last night. I'm so, no offence to this person, like,

it's a good question and it is good for us, but I feel dumb whenever I have to think of a pun. Yeah, it makes me feel stupid. I think the poor, I think, because they are so bad, it is,

ideally it's fun to be just like, to have a kind of bad one. And it's bad. We know it's bad. Yeah. There's no real good ones. you know, every now and then you, you come across one that is really good. But I just can't think of them.

My brain doesn't think like that. It's close to maths to me. It feels like a mathematical equation and I can't just do it. I'm more of a storyteller. You know what I mean? Yeah. I think you've really hit the bad pun. Bullseye there.

In the one I've sent through to you. Yes. If I even understand it. And I think I do, and it is bad. But as you'll say, mine was equally bad, which I don't even remember. Well, actually, I think it's worse than bad. I'm looking at it going, well, how do I think that works? It doesn't make any sense.

Well, let's find out together. I guess I know what I was thinking. Oh, is it too late for me to think of a new one? No. It's not too. As we said, have some integrity. Yeah, true. Okay.

I tried to outsource my discipline last night. I said, Serene, just having a few beers. I'm going, I've got to write this quiz. Oh, you put that on him. That's what I said. He did not live up to it at all. I said, I'm going to, after a couple beers, I'm going to probably go with the flow a bit,

but I need you to say, just the lightest push back. I said, just give me the lightest pushbacker. Thank you. Outsourcing emotional labour. And he was, he was not up to the job. It's not his job. I'm going to remember every detail.

That's why I'm looking around the room so much. Which is, if we can keep making the memory into the microphone. Oh, my God. Please don't shout at me. I'm just a small little woman. It's like my tiny little small female comedian hands. That'd be crazy. You'd be like, I can't believe someone else.

had this idea. I know. The very first thought in Salford. The very first thought in Sulford. I mean, we should get some intellectual copyright lawyers on this because I feel like you can make a little bit of money if they're literally plagiarizing the low. But is it? Can you go?

You get away with things if it's parody. Satire and parody. Yeah, I don't know. I guess if they say we're hilarious and this is actually really funny. And the other thing. What were the two teams called again? Sorry. Um, the teams were called.

IMG Academy and Bishop Sycamore. And this was a baseball game. A football game. I accidentally did two American football questions. Is football with the actual feet or? No, this is the grid iron. Grid iron. Quarterbacks and tossing the pig skin around.

Yeah. Big pads and helmets and that. Camhammer. You last one was first thought. This one, how many, how many thoughts down did you get? All right. I again stopped on first. And the main reason was because I'm thirsty.

So I'm going to go get a quick drink from your, from Saren's bedroom. Oh, yeah. Can I get some as well? Yes. Thank you. I don't want us both to invade. Yeah. Feel free to stand on the bed.

I've like I've not explored the kitchen because we set this up almost instantly. How do you eat? Hang on. I've not eaten in at all. I've just, yeah, eating out all the time, which is not ideal. Because the whole point of having a kitchen and your combination is you can save some cash. But I've been stupid.

Did you say it's a bit messy? Elf, we're drinking out of months. That's okay. Thank you. Would anyone like a banana or some carrots? I would feel like we should be hospitable. Yeah, I know. Sorry.

That's what we've got. I think it was because Elf came in sort of looked after that I forgot to offer anything. I'm so sorry. I came in so late. Again, I'm so sorry. That was absolutely weird. It is a valid observation that it takes ages for the lights to cross. And I think because then you get to go on an angle.

Yeah, Adelaide water is disgusting too. No, they're very sensitive to soap. Oh. Yeah, these will be first use. Adelaide waters. Yeah, I would... A bit soapy. The children here don't get cavities.

It's true. It's got the best teeth in Australia. Is that true? Is that true? Because a high amount of fluoride. Oh. Is that why the water tastes worse? Like it's so much for it.

It's not very much if you give it a rinse. Can you feel that taste? Yeah, of course. I love it. You've got a lovely smile. Oh, that's so nice. You have a lovely presence and you're giving everyone compliments. And it's, um,

I would say you've got a great body for your age. Oh, that means that. You went in the kitchen at a wrong moment. I can't. Yeah, can I just have to check for my age? Wait, how old are you all? That's really private. Oh, sorry?

38. 38. 39. 42. Are you really? Do I look good for my age? You look much younger. But then also you're very joyful.

Like, I do think it's that funny thing, isn't it? Like, the more we smile than the happier you are, people just take, I think, just knock 10 years off you. You know what I mean? because people always assume I'm much younger for my age or just look incredibly impressive for my old haggard shape. Thanks so much for being involved. No, thanks for having me. So nice to it.

Because also I don't know many people in Australia. Like, I mean, I've got my scene here, like from doing the festivals. But actually, in truth, I don't know many of the stand-ups. Yeah, right. It's a very different vibe to, like, the clown alternative community because there's such a huge one here and especially in Melbourne. The clan community? Yeah, like your alternative.

scene is like it's interesting back in the UK Australia is very looked upon as being like this amazing place of creating great alternative talent but then it's so weird when you come out here and you're like where is it they're like people go you're like oh why why are you not all getting supported yeah yeah like I thought you love the arts here no no no no no no I love the footy I love the footy it's making me genuine cross the Adelaide fringe of how many shows and are not doing well. And then you think that Ed Sheeran, like, where is the actual economic infrastructure in place?

Where are Adelaide Council going? You know what? Maybe we should push back on having one of the most famous artists perform in the middle of the festival. Wait a couple of months. To take 50,000 or how many people tickets out of... They probably saw Edinburgh and they're like, Oasis did it?

Yeah. This is how you do it. It's just, it's so insane. So many artists are so talented and you're going to see other shows. And they're like beautifully curated, made, like so much time spending them. And you've got 10 people in. And then you go, well, they're hemorrhaging. They're losing so much money.

Like, I'm here because I know I'm going to make a loss, but it benefits me moving forward onto the other tours. But also this is my full-time job. If you're emerging, like, have you noticed at the art bars? There's no young artists. There's like no young artists at all. How can you afford to come here? Yeah, they can't.

When they've got no audience and like $35 a ticket, if you've then got loads of wits. charging that much and taking away the audience. It's really fucking annoying. Sorry, it just annoys me when young artists aren't being supported properly. It is, it's really sad how it's, like, it feels like it's, it apparently used to be a lot better for that. And it wasn't so expensive and it was more supported.

It was not wild. When I first did it in 2014, 2015, it was, what's the phrase you say here? Cooked. It was ever so cooked. And there was one only a one artist bar and everybody just had the best time and everybody saw each other's work. Well, you mean cooked in a positive way? Yeah, isn't that positive? He said it in a negative way.

Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, well, I've been using it very, even though I'm multi-disciplinar and E. Now we're cooking. Okay, that's actually good. Yeah, that's good. Now we're cooking. Sorry, I was talking too much.

Cooking is confused because you go cooked. That's how you want a meal to be. Yeah. Nauty. It's been underdone, overcooked. But cooked? What are we doing? This feels like a good bit.

You could write this down. Do this on stage. Connor, if you could remind me of this.