Who Knew It with Matt Stewart - Jess Perkins, Barney Pollock and Bronte Locke

Episode Date: August 31, 2026

Who Knew It with Matt Stewart is a comedy game show podcast hosted by Australian comedian Matt Stewart. This episode features guests Jess Perkins, Barney Pollock and Bronte Locke!Support the show via http://patreon.com/dogoonpod and you can submit questions for the show!Check out Matt's new stand up special 'Bad Boy': https://youtu.be/uwco3wBOFSA?si=NL524pxlJGiQsATtGive your feedback in this listener survey: https://forms.gle/WC7bKDCwgXmSQD1QAAnd his previous specials 'Best Man': https://youtu.be/ZgukEPerWZc?si=SW8PttGAB-ly_GF8And 'Live at Stupid Old Studios': https://youtu.be/cWStRpI-BhESee the podcast/Matt live: https://www.mattstewartcomedy.com/Check out Matt's podcast network: https://dogoonpod.com/Theme song by Evan Munro-Smith, Logo by Murray Summerville and edited by Connor Schmidt! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Matt here letting you know that my brand new special bad boy is out now on the humdinger channel. You can check it out for free right now. Well, you know, after this episode, why not? Have a little laugh. Hey, you deserve it. Then you can share it with your friends and share a laugh with them too. Maybe comment and subscribe and other such things. Feed that algorithm.

Cheers, mates. Welcome to Who knew with Matt Stewart, the show where the guest write the wrong answers. I'm the titular Matt Stewart. guest is host of the Do Go On podcast and also the Jess Lurkin series of Instagram posts. It's Jess Perkins. Yes. Bring back Jess Lurken's. Bring it back.

I've done two whole posts in the past six years of Jess Lurkens. Yeah, it's a great series. Make it a triptych. Yeah, or triptych, as I think they say in the art community. Mine, I think that's right. No, sounds wrong. That feels wrong. Our second guest this week is the first time to the show.

She's a writer. actor, comedian and according to her instabio, is dishwasher and microwave safe. It's Bronty love. That's me, that's me, Matt Stewart. You can pop me in either. Turn me on and spin me around, baby. Yeho.

You told me you weren't going to do this when we're on here. You weren't going to try and do the dishwasher thing. Honestly, it's constant every night. Barney now, I know you're directing Bronte's next show, but you've got to take off that director's hat in the podcast. You know. Once it's on, that's it. It's on.

It's on until I buy him three beers. Okay. And then it goes off and then he's nice again. Oh my God. It's so much fun. Barney, I haven't even introduced you yet, but you have been reflected poorly. Yeah. I reckon new listeners won't like you already.

No, no. Our final guest this week was the best newcomer nominee and it sounds like involved in some toxic work-life balance. related things. It's Barney Pollock. Hello. Obviously, I don't like to be known for the newcomer thing or anything like that. It's more my work with, I sort of do stuff with the RSPCA. Give a lot of blood. A hell of a lot of blood.

To who? Greyhounds. Perfect. Yeah. Okay. And is it your own? No. No. But I, yeah, I get it. It's mine. It's mine. It gives a lot of Bronte's blood. And you can't overla.

look that. You know, when you're judging a person's character, you have to take into consideration how much of Bronte's blood are they giving. That's right. That's right. You're listener especially. Yes. And now we just interrupted a session that you two are doing. So is it, what are you working towards? Is it Melbourne Fringe? It is the greatest festival in the world. It's the big one. It's the one that Melbourneians, you know, put in their calendar. Whenever they hear about it, they say, firstly they say, we've got a fringe. And then they'll go, Oh, I've got to jot that down in my calendar. And they do, they do.

We're working towards my solo debut, hand foot in mouth, which was about when I was 23, this is my elevator pitch. Love it. When I was 23, I was a nanny and a slut. And the two off and hand in hand. I don't know why I was so, I was blindsided by where that ended.

I was blindsided. Yeah. A nanny and a slut. that year, honestly. It was... Sounds like a lot going on. Yeah. That sounds fantastic.

Well, Barney doesn't think so. Doesn't think it's fantastic. Your director doesn't think it's fantastic? Not yet. Okay. Not yet. But yeah, I mean, it's, what do you got a month or two? We've got, it's bearing down.

I think we're down to 43 days out. I like how specific that is. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Plenty of time for Barney to make it the show he wants it to be. Exactly. Yes, where you're, you're very chaste. Yes. It ends up, you're a nanny and that's it

We've been culling a lot, Matt. I've been confused by it. Every time I try and bring up hand jobs, he makes me stand in the corner of the room and do a funny dance. No, that feels right. Thank you, Jess. I knew you'd get it. Did you ever, you learned on a goliere, did you?

Oh, yeah. If you didn't, you kind of did biosmosis. Yes, yeah, yeah. No, I never actually went to the school, but by osmosis, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I've been in, so I guess I didn't go to like the big war, but I fought in a few minor. Yeah, battles. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay, so the way this show works is I ask a relatively obscure trivia question. Our contestants have to write a convincing fake answer. I then read their answers as well as the real one. I have to guess which one is correct. And the first question comes from listener Jace Harrison from Geelong here in Australia. The question is, what does Virgil mean? What does Virgil mean?

while you're writing your answers, I'll let new listeners know how the scoring on this show works. So you get one point if your fake answer is guessed by the other contestant and another point if you correctly guess the answer. And by the way, I'm also playing as the house. I've put in two of my own fake answers for each question with the help of the question writer and we get a point for each one of those that I guess choose.

I just remembered that there was a listener, came to a live show, said I stopped saying house weird. So I'll have a go again. I'm playing as the first. house. Is that weird? That felt even better actually. Anyway, each of us can start up to three points per round. So to give the guests some help, they get triple points in the final round. Well, the house does not. Most of our questions, by the way, come from our great Patreon supporters. If you want to submit a question, sign up on any of the while, Patreon.com slash to go on pod,

linked in the show notes. And I should say, if you've submitted a question and haven't had one read out in a while. It's probably just because it's shit. I put a question in the other day. and I heard crickets. Okay. Yeah, Bronte, I think your question was shit. Yeah. Well, I think the other day, you wouldn't have had a chance to get through the system yet.

Okay. The answer for question number one, what does Virgil mean? Here are your options. A man who is a friend of your mums and sometimes they have grown up sleepovers. Vigel. Option two, a Danish vegetable stew known for its sloppiness. Oh. Option three.

A vigil is a period of purposeful wakefulness or attentive watchful. usually maintained during normal sleeping hours. This is that only for virgins. Option four, a lady called Jill, but a different version. She's close, but she's no Jill. The forward sloping line that serves as a mark of punctuation in writing or akin to a virgin, but not quite. All right, Jess, what do you reckon?

Can I have them again, please? Sure can. Man, it was a friend of your mum's, and sometimes as grown up sleepovers. Danish vegetable stew. Known for its sloppiness. Known for its sloppiness. Yeah.

A vigil for virgins. Yep. A lady called Jill, but not quite. She's no Jill. She's no gel. Forward sloping line or akin to a virgin but not quite. I mean, it's probably the forward sloping line, isn't it? Because that's the least funny of them.

Sorry if either of you wrote that. But I thought it was really funny. Well, no, because if they wrote it, then they're playing the game well. Yes. Are we playing a game? Did you explain what we're doing to Bronte? No. What did you think this was?

What did you think this was? I felt like it was taken with Liam Neeson, but there's microphones and we're in Brunswick. Yeah. Yeah, well, I have a certain set of skills, a particular set. And yeah, I'm going to use them now by asking your questions. I'm trying to help you have a bit fun time. I'm having a great time.

Thanks, guys. Matt, if there's new listeners listening, they're not going to like you all that. Yeah, well, the Bronte massive comes in. And, yeah, I can only assume that they're going to hate me. Yeah. And they're going to be like, stop talking over Bronte. Let Bronte speak.

Thank you. But I won't. I simply refuse. Okay, so you're going to go with that one. Yes. Uh, forward sloping line. Yeah. What do you think, Brunty?

That's a great question, Matt. I'm umming and Ring right now because I like adult sleepovers. Yeah, that's fun. That's fun. But... We do have slang in here sometimes, some slangy names. Some slang of Virgil. Um, but I do, I, I'm leaning towards the Danish stew.

I like that one. The sloppiness of it all. I'm going to go D for Danish. Okay. Locked in. Thank you. Barney. I've sort of, I've gone into my mind and I've thought about, you know, Virgil.

Yeah. Virgil Van Dyke, the soccer player. Okay. And I thought, what would he be named after? Yeah. And I'm just, none of them seem like they would be what he was named after. Okay. And that's like from birth, he was no Jill.

Yeah. That's true. I came out and they went, this is no Jill. Maybe they were hoping for a Jill. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Repaint the nursery. Yeah. You don't deserve it. They don't deserve what we've chosen. They've already had those little wooden letters on the sign. Like, uh, maybe he deserves the I. Yeah.

And an L. But that's it. But that's it. That's it. Yeah. He's not getting a G. J. Or G.

Or G. No, he's getting a G. No, he's getting a G. He's getting a G. Right. Right. Right. Right.

Or J. Or J. Depending on how they spelt it. I suppose. Okay, so does that get you any closer? Do you think he was a stewman? Was he Danish? No, he's from the Netherlands.

He's Dutch. That is close. That is close. What was the... I love... You can go for the same one, so you can go for stew or sloping line. There's two virgin ones. Yep.

And there's the friend of your mums. A friend of my mum's. My mum's friends. Did your mom have friends? She does. She does. She's got a few new friends. She's been volunteering at the W.A.

Museum. Oh, that's nice. A few people. That's lovely. Any of them called the... Do any of them stay over? Dad would be angry. I'm going to go with the typing.

The sloping, type of. All right. Here's... Who wrote? The answers. A kin to a virgin, but not quite. That was Bronte. That was good.

And I think this shows how tight your partnership is because basically Barney's was that only akin to a Jill, but not quite. That's nice. Breathing the same air. Dumb minds think alike. Two for the prize or one. I should also let listeners know that you two have a great relationship and this is all a very funny bit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you do make light of toxic relationships because you think that's funny. I would like to say that Barney started that joke. Okay. I'm also younger than him. Yeah. Those are two things I'd like to share.

That's just something to take into consideration. Okay. So there's some sort of, like a power. And he's also your director, so there's a power imbalance. Yeah, yeah. I'm just a girl. Yeah, I'm going to give you my phone number at the end. Bronte.

Do you agree? Just if you're, she's a name. And they. I give you my. I find him I just give me zero, zero, zero. Yeah, did you ask? Give me a buddy. Give me a bell.

A man who was a friend of your mum's, that was just Perkins. It's great fun. Great one. Virgil. I wanted to keep going on the whole dynamic of like, coming from the place, sorry, if I could just explain my work for a thing. Come over the place of a child who doesn't fully understand why Virgil's around or, you know, the grown-up sleepovers and, you know, I'm not allowed in mum's room when Virgil's there and stuff,

but I got bored halfway through. writing and that'll do. And I think it did do. It did very nicely indeed. Sometimes this is more, don't you think? Yeah, I think so. With this game, I think it often is. Now, what else do we have?

We had a vigil, but for virgins, that was Jace, the question writer. That was good. Because I thought you had misspoken. Because he said, a vigil is this? I was like, oh dear, it's his own podcast. He's losing his mug. Now, Bronte went for the sloppy Danish vegetable stew.

I'm afraid that was the house. Oh, that's all right. That's okay. I'll bounce back. Yes, you will. By nature, I'm wickedly competitive. Really? Yeah, I know I have this kind of cool exterior.

Yeah, but inside. Yeah, you're going to be like... I'm going to kneecap you. Whoa. Okay. Still want to give her your number, too? Zero, zero, zero. And that means Jess and Barney are correct.

It is basically another word for a forward slash. Oh, a Virgil. A Virgil. Like, it is a boring answer. And I regret going for the one that I was like, well, that's probably correct. Well, you regret going to a point? Is it a one of my points hungry? Yeah.

I am. Okay, well, then you probably shouldn't have gone for the sloppy stew. Oh, I don't know. I haven't eaten a vegetable in about three weeks, Jess. It's fringe prep. You don't have time for vegetables. No, never. All right.

So after one round, we've got Jess on, hang on, I should, before I start saying it, let me just see what it is. I think it's one. Oh, yeah, yeah. Because the first round. Yeah. So after one round, we've got Jess on one point. We've got Barney one point. We've got the house on one point.

End of list. That's okay. Tough pill to swallow. Yeah. I've come back from worse. You have? Oh, yeah, yeah. That's great to know.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, these, you know, so it's just a throwaway round. Now the game really begins. How many questions are there? Six. Okay, that's good to know because I often, I start poor, then I pick up in the middle, then I get bored at the end. Oh, okay.

And I get distracted. Oh, well, let's pretend 12 then. That way for you, the middle will be. Cheers, Matt. Thank you. No worries. Question two comes from Amelia Mellor from Melbourne. And Amelia's question is, which of these are real species of cicada?

So basically she wants you to come up with a fake species of of cicada or cicada, depending on which one's correct. Okay. So, Bronte, that's just the name. You don't have to describe or anything. Just like, you know, like you'd name a species of any animal. You don't want for a... It was clear.

Sorry. Don't you patronise my own lady. And not that she's my... She's her own lady. It's just a way of speaking. All right, girls, let's do this. Pussy power. Yeah, am I right?

All right, boss bitches. Let's go. While they're writing their answers, here's more info on Virgil. Jace writes, I came across his word on a recent episode of Guy Montgomery's Guy Montgomery's Guymon's Spelling Bee. So maybe it's not as obscure as I thought it was.

Wait, you came across it on that show and seeing it on that show made you think it was less obscure than you thought it was by seeing it on that show. What? We're in a loop here. Wait a minute. Chase, what's going on? Wait, so Jace watched Guy Spelling Bee.

Yes. And then he submitted the question here. And he thought, wait, maybe it's not as obscure of a word as I thought because I saw it on Montgomery's Gaiman's spelling bee. So you're just getting the off cuts now from guys. I guess so. Yeah. This is filtered down, trickle-down comedy economics, I guess. Can I say you should be grateful for that, though.

Oh, any of guys. What an honour. What an honour. Very honoured. To have Guy Montgomery's leftovers. Yeah. His Danish stew. That's a callback.

Yeah. God, she's good. All right. So the answers are in for question number two, which is which of these are real species of cicada. I had forgotten the question. Okay, great. Yep, good, good. Here are your options.

African flying locust. Crinkling Samuel. Ooh. The clickety clacker. I just had sex, the ACON song. That's a great song. Yeah. Yaha cicada.

Or alarm clock squawker. Okay. Bronte. It's your go. I'm heading off first. That's great. You know what? There's a couple of hits in there, I'd say.

There's a couple of greatest hits. Yeah. I did like clickety clacker was that because it's on a matter p. On a matter, pee-ik. Yes. Onomatopoeic. Yes. It's the sound that it makes in my head.

But I'm going to go with the last one, which was... Alarm clock squawker. Yes. Locked in? Lock it in. Why? Gut feeling. Oh, yeah.

Go with your gut. Gut feelings are guardian angels. Is that true? Yeah. There you go. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Ah, yeah. Okay. Look it up. It's crazy. Yeah. You're like, you haven't heard this. You're a grown adult.

Tumblr.com. Yeah, come on. Go on. Read a Tumblr. Okay. Sorry. I got to go to Dashfest. Con.

DashCon. Which was a big festival of Tumblr. It was a Tumblr convention. No way. Yeah, you've never heard of it because it did not do well. Barney. Meow. Yeah.

So you got alarm clock squawker. Yee har cicada. I had sex. The Acon song. The Clickety Clacker. Crinkling Samuel. African flying locust. I mean, I can't go past crinkling Samuel.

It sounds like a little boy at recess with his packet of chips. Yeah. There's crinkling Samuel. And all he does is goes, ah! It's fantastic. And Jess. I was tossing up between crinkling Samuel and another one.

And now I've forgotten the other one. Clickety clack. Yee, house, cada, African flying locust. Locust alarm clock squawker. I'm going to go to... I just had sex. Oh, okay. Great, man.

You're all wondering why I was late. Hi-bye. So, Jess... I'm going to go to the Yeehaw one. Yeh-Hikata. Ooh. Can I ask if you ruled out African flying locust because it's a different species?

Yeah. Okay. Here's who wrote the answers. African flying locust was Barney. You guys don't know anything. I'm all sixes and sevens because you usually. I write the stupid answer I can think of and then I was like, I'm gonna try and win,

but the problem is I'm dumb as hell. Same. That's why I go for dumb answers. I was wondering because I'm like, is it the same or is it different? Like, Locus maybe is a, they feel like very similar. That's what I thought.

They're gonna be same family. Yeah. But the other thing about, if you, the real answer is never as boring as that. What about the first question? That was like, that was super boring.

It is hard. I just, Going through the suggestions, there aren't as many wacky word as, uh, there should be. And I always start with one. So maybe I'm burning out the list of wacky words. But, you know, listeners, please, if you've got a wacky word, call now. Jess, your number. All right.

Zero, zero zero. So what else do we got? The clickety clacker. That was Jess. Beautiful. That don't come back. That was fantastic. I loved it.

song do you know that ray song click-clack symphony i won't sing it because i assume it's a copyright issue matt i'm just going to hold back that's saying that's why i'm not singing uh clicker the shears boys i was thinking clickety-clacker the chinese chicken you know like that's where that sent me you have a drum singing your rain stops chicken so it's interesting we're all in different places i think that's really cool that's a canadian song i think we're going to canada oh my god what a perfect segue yeah this month or next month. I think it's this month of September, starting tomorrow at the time of release. Perfect. Tomorrow is September.

At the time of release. At the time, thank God. I was like we got a fucking lock-in for fringe. We got a lock-in. No, you're fine. You're okay. You've got a lock in next week. By the time of release, your show is pretty much written. Oh, absolutely. And I think the listeners are going to be really excited to see this completely written show. Yes. And the real venue?

Theory bar. Oh, yeah. At a tidy 6pm slot. Oh, this time. Very bar is great. And it's got two rooftop bars above it,

which is great. A building shouldn't be able to have two rooftop bars. Somehow makes it work. Oh, I just had sex. The ACON song. We'd love to check if I was meant to read all of that out.

Bronte. That was my answer. That was a really good one. That was great. That was all the answer? You wanted him to read the ACON song? Yes, that was key to it. That was key to it.

Yeah, because I just had sex. would seem so weird otherwise. Yeah. All cicadas just had sex. They live in the bones. They're effing and jeffin all day. That's right. But the A-Conn song,

that added a whole new level to it. Is that the one that goes, that song, the song, song, song. No. A-can song, song, song. No. That's the thong song.

Isn't it? Because it has a, yeah. Baby, baby. Like that. Yeah. Don-to-thong-d-d-d-d-tong. Yes.

Oh, it's one that goes, I am the A-Conn song I'm Mr. A-Conn-Song Yeah, that's the one Yeah, it's awesome It's easier I just had sex song It's a easy

I am A-Con song But it sounds like it's a chipmunk When they get to his age Sometimes it's easy to just Yeah, I've lost all taste Absolutely And also all I can't taste the differences in songs

Yeah I think he was late Because I saw him walking around the car park He gets lost Yeah, I know He does get lost I mainly eat food for the texture now My nana said that to me once

Aesparagus out of the tin That's just for the texture I just want to feel something Oh Nana Oh it's caught in the dentures The Iha cicada Just went for that I'm afraid that was Amelia

AKay the house That was pretty good I like that Now Barney went for crinkling Samuel Also Amelia Absolutely crushed Amelia You have a way with words

I've never come across before I was just, yeah, smitten immediately. And that means the correct answer was the alarm clock squawker. Oh, Ront is on the board. Yes. See? Come on. You're coming back.

I'm going to do the latent here. Oh. How far away do I have to be? Well, you're going to sound like you were in the other room. If I want to start screaming, how far. Squawking. What's a mic etiquette on this one. All right, question three comes from Logan Husky from Brisbane

And the question is, What is the name of the bass player from the 1980 classic film, The Blues Brothers? The bass player for the Blues Brothers. It's a bit of a stage name. So it's a bit of a wacky name. I don't know what to do it because before you gave your answer about the squawk I brought you and I was like,

Dumb. They don't squawk, do they? And then I wrote the wrong species. I don't know. Yeah. I didn't really. It was only on the third read through. I'm like, is that the same?

I thought it was fantastic. Thank you so much. I thought about it. There are things that are named, you know, like, yeah, catfish. Yeah, it's not a cat. It's not a cat. Got whiskers though. Yeah.

I've actually already got my answer. I haven't done that. Sorry, what was the question again? The name of the bass player for. Blues Brothers. Blues Brothers movie. Thank you. I just want to just teach a pet.

kind of, so I just want to acknowledge that I've actually already got mine into. Well, Jess, I can tell you about these cicadas. That's okay. Do you say cicadas or cicadas? I say cicadas. Well, this is what Amelia writes. Aussie cicada names are the gift that keep on giving. And then Amelia lists a few.

I'm like, well, I'm certainly saving them from a few trips. But it says alarm clock squakers are endemic to Queensland, New South Wales, Victoria, the AC team, parts of South Australia. They're small black and orange cicadas. And from September to February, the mail makes a series of soft clicks followed by a rattling buzz, like a mechanical alarm clock. Ooh, getting hot just thinking about it.

Did you ever, like, run around the backyard as a kid and jump on them? Oh, you jump and then... Yeah. I could never find them. You'd hear where they were and then you'd jump on them. And they'd stop. Yeah, and now I'm like, Jesus, that was cruel.

Yeah, but you jump on them? It's fun. I don't know. I can never find them. Yeah, right. Oh. It's what I was told. So you were killing him.

Oh, well. Or at least scaring him into silence. I was potentially Like a mafia strong man. I was causing some kind of collapse. Yes. Definitely. Like an ego dead?

Probably. Did you say ego death? Yeah. Probably an ego death. Yeah. And that's why they stopped playing because they're like, I'm showing off. Yeah. I don't need to do this anymore.

I was like, shut up. All right. The answer in for question number three, what is the name of the bass player in the 1980s classic, The Blues Brothers? My God. Did you all get the memo? This is a fantastic list.

Hoobie booby. Louis Lamborghini. Donald Duck Dunn. Fan Dangleson. Honky Tom or big sloppy fingers Joe. All right, Barney. Those are amazing. Let me give them to you in reverse order.

Big sloppy fingers Joe. Honky Tom, Van Dangelson, Donald Duck Dunn. Louis Lamborghini or Hooby-Boo-Boo-Bee. Wow. It's fantastic. Let's get this boy band together. Yeah, I want all these people together in one room. We're going to make an album, all bass.

Just six basses just going at each other. I'm going to go with, what was the one before Donald Duck? When I did reverse order or for it? The ones either side of, on the duck sandwich, so to speak about, Louis. Lamborghini and Fandangelson. I love Fandangelson, but I feel like it's going to be like a, um, a literation sensation of a name. I think, and that's bad.

And that's bad. I don't know. You think, well, no, I'm not putting judgment on any of these gentlemen, you know. I just think they're all masters of the, of the acts. Yeah, yeah. And, um, it should be noted that Barney's full name is Barnaby. Is it really? Docs, docks, docks.

Oh, my God. Connor, edit that out. Connor, please edit that out. If someone... Barnaby Polly. Every time someone says that, I lose a life. I've got a few, but... My name is Barnaby.

I have to rock. God, damn it! I'm going to say, probably... I'm going to say the Donald Duck one. Locked in. Jess. I think Barney is correct. I think it is the Donald Duck one.

However. How do you play this game? I don't. I'm just having a good time. However, I'm going to go for Hooby Booby. Because whoever wrote that deserves a point, Hooby Booby is so funny.

Hooby booby, fantastic. Now, Brontee. Jess has given some information that she thinks she knows the real answer. whether or not you can believe her or maybe she's double bluffing you. That's great. Do you want to go your own way?

Have you heard of the movie The Blues Brothers? I've heard of it. I've heard of it. I've heard of it. Have I seen it? Have you honed in on the bass player? Have I honed in on the bass player? You know, in high school there was this girl that I knew that played double bass.

And she'd carry it around and it looked like a massive like, she was like a turtle. So on that, I'm going to choose. Yeah, fuck you. She was really cool. She lives in Berlin now. Oh, wow. Yeah.

Still a musician? Yeah, professional. I think she's playing for the Berlin Philharmonia. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah. She's a great now.

She's a lovely girl. But on that, that's my point of reference for the Blues Brothers. So I'm going to lean in and go, was it Louis Lambo? Louis Lamborghini? I'm going to shorten it because I'm Australian. Okay. Louis Lambo. And proud.

Yeah, I said it. But here's right, the answer is a big sloppy fingers joke. That is Bronte. Great. Bronte. That's fantastic. That's fantastic. Yeah.

That's good sloppy fingers? Yeah. Slop. There's a real sludgy bass sound. Yeah. Well, actually, I was going to say sloppy. Oh, yeah. But then my phone picked sloppy and I thought, hey now.

Sometimes, because auto corrects a real pain in the arms. But sometimes, it's a little pain in the arms. But sometimes, it does punch up a joke. He does. And you go, okay. I wouldn't have thought of that.

That's pretty good. Honky Tom, that was Jess. So good. Straight off the dome. Didn't think too much about it. Louis Lamborghini. Bronte went for that. That was Logan, the question writer.

Okay, the house. It was a good one, Logan. It was a good one. And that means I don't get a point. Van Danglson. That was the house. Hubey booby. Just remember that.

That was Barney Pollock. Yeah. And you deserve a point for that. Thank you so much. Hoobie booby? Yeah. That's amazing. Yeah. That's so funny.

Yes. Oh yes. And that means Barney is correct. It's Donald Duck Dunn. Did you know that? No. But just does seem like you did know that. Yeah.

Like you've seen the movie. You're familiar with his work? Um, Nah, couldn't picture him. But I was just like, that sounds like something. I mean, of all of the options, I knew it wasn't huby booby. It could have been. The Doobie Brothers.

True. You know. That's got nothing to do with. You know, Booby brothers are the words that rhyme. And I knew it wasn't honky Tom because I wrote that. Okay. That's good. That was believable though.

Honky Tom is fantastic. I almost pick my answer. Yeah, sometimes it's tempting because sometimes you're like, mine's the best. When you're playing cards against humanity With like people that aren't funny Yeah And you pick who wins in that But you can't pick yourself

I pick internally every time I'm like clearly my answer is a bit Yeah Why are we laughing at the lawyers pick? Yeah, you're playing cards with lawyers And your partner's name is Barnaby Yeah Who are we talking to here?

I've been investing in crypto Yeah So I'd love to talk to you about it. So that means Barney gets a couple points. The house gets another point. So at the halfway mark, we got Jess and Bronte on a point of piece.

Barney on three, but out in front on four points, it's the house. Question four comes from Rosa Lewis from Birmingham in the UK. What's a good Birmingham? Barnaby, can you do it? Birmingham, yeah, not a problem.

Birmingham sort of sounds a bit like... It's like Ozzy Osbourne, right? Yeah, it's a bit like... Sharon! Hey, guys! Yeah. That was good. That was good.

Show and what? Yeah. Someone took my beard. Yes. My own. So Rosa, thanks for sending that in and hopefully you feel respected by all that. Rosa's question is, what's the name of a greasy spoon in Darleston, West Midlands in the UK? Now, Rosa does clarify saying, shuming greasy spoon is known in Australia.

It basically means a cafe that does a fry up. Okay. Just a name of a business. A business. An eatery. And where is it, sorry? It's in a place called Darleston. Darleston.

Sharon, we've got to go to greasy spoon. Sharon. Sharon. Birmingham. Where's Kelly? Rest in peace. Rest in peace. Rest in peace.

Rest in peace. Oh, let me tell you while you're writing your answers. Here's more info about Donald Duck Dunn, according to IMDB. He was born in 1941 in Memphis, Tennessee. He was an actor known for the Blues Brothers, Blues Brothers 2000 and Rush Hour. Oh, geez, big year. Blues Brothers 2000 and Rush Hour, both out in 1999. Oh, good year.

Elected to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is a member of Booker T and the MGs in 1992. It was a member of the Marquis who had a number one hit single last night in the early 60s. He died in 2012 in Tokyo, Japan. Hey, while you're still writing your answers, let's go for a quick break. All right, we're back. And the answer room for question number four. What's the name of the greasy spoon in Darleston in the West Midlands in the UK? The old nook and cranny.

Oh, that's good. That's classic. Mmm, that is delicious. Is it is in capitals or it's... It's all capitalism as an exclamation mark. Okay. Fat Fanny Cafe. Flannel's old meat salon.

Okay. Gobble, gobble, gobble, get my guts. Okay. Or honky tom's greasy spoon. Oh, maybe that's where you... heard that's where you were inspired for the bass player's name probably yeah because i love a greasy spoon so it is back to you jess okay i'm gonna need them all again the old nook and cranny mm-hmm that is delicious fat fanny cafe flannel's old meat salon gobble gobble gobble

gobble get in my guts or honky tonks greasy spoon i'm going for fanny thank you gradually fat fanny locked in yeah uh in england it means your butt no no no it doesn't. That's America. In America means your butt. In England, where this is, it doesn't mean your butt. It's a lovely, it could be short for Mephanwe. Yes. Yeah. Beautiful Welsh name. Bring that one back. Bring it back. Myth Warhurst, is that? Is that in Mifflin? Yeah. Yeah. She's in Maffanme. Should we start calling her? You know, Stephanie's got called Fanny as well. Isn't that crazy? Steph Fanny. Oh, yeah. I learned that on ghosts. teach you a lot.

I know. That might have been their unfinished business. Oh my God. Spoilers. Did you audition for that, Barney? No, no, I couldn't get in the room. I tried. Yeah.

Oh, I tried to get in. That was the test. You have to go through the walls. Yeah, yeah. Well, yeah. They said, you can audition. Yeah. Just go.

Where's the door? And they're like, you're out. Yeah. You should have seen Jackson Tozo straight through. Yeah. Unbelievable. Michelle Brasier. Straight through.

Straight through. Yeah. Me? Couldn't get through the wall. No, I ended up in the concussion ward. Again. Again. Again, they said one more.

And you'll need an MRI. All right, Bronte's. So you can go fat, Fannie? I can go your own way. I will go my own way. I'm going to go with, was it, I'm getting my belly. Gobble, gobble, gobble, get in my guts.

I'm going with that because I can see the font. I can see, I'm playing the win. And honestly, if I'm driving past and I see that, I'm going, well, I've got to go in there. I have to check that out. I assume I'm getting salmonella, but I'm in. Get a photo at the very least. Yeah, 100%.

My mum got salmonella at a Chinese restaurant that was in a brick house halfway between Brisbane and Wagga Wagga. Well, if you're not safe halfway between Brisbane and Wakawaga. In a brick house as well? Yeah. Famously the safest. It was low lighting, low lighting, sweet and sour pork. That'll do it.

Oh, yeah, I got syphilis in a straw house. I don't know. That wolf. That wolf. He got in. Yeah. He got all the way in. We really need you to look after us in this episode.

Don't say we. Some of us are being saying things that we might regret and we all agree that you should look after us. I have no memory what I've said. No. Well, some of us been equally bad. Now Barney, it's your go. What was the, there was one that was like, it was very, it was like, that's delicious.

Mmm, that is delicious. Yeah, I'm going to go with that one. I can see the font. Is it comic sands? Yeah, I think it's comic sands. Yeah, and it's like an orangey on a white. Yeah, and I feel like the is, because if it's all in capitals, the is is underlined. Yes.

I think, yeah. With steam lines coming on. Yes. All right, here's all right the answers. Honky Tom's greasy. Oh, I'm just, that was Jess. Is that where you got, maybe that's where you got the base player's name? The last thing I'd written to you was Honky Tom.

And I went, well. Let's see the process here. That's a fun name for Greasy Spoon. Uh-huh. I was going to leave it at Honky Tom's. And I thought you'd think I had made some sort of error and just sent you the same message again. Yeah. So I added Greasy Spoon.

Okay. That's the process. That's really good. I think that'll, that's what gets you nominated for an actor six or seven years ago. Okay. Hey, yo. Hey. Just going to say this is such a relief.

Every time I've done this podcast, I've been on here with, like, absolute psychopaths. Ben Russell. No, yeah. Yeah. Amy Ruffle, Alistaira Baldwin. One time I was on here with Maron, she's lovely. And obviously, I'm next to one too. And so it's like, it's unbelievable, just have someone that's more sort of just like, whatever.

Yeah, I'm not like other girls. Yeah. It's just like. Thanks, Barney. Yeah. Yeah. Will you pick her? I hope not.

It's going to be a rough ride home because I didn't bring my car. And I don't know where I am. Barney blindfolds me when we leave the house. Yeah, he does. He's like, hold your breath. We're going under a bridge. It's so nice. You still care enough to make sure it doesn't get the bridge curse.

Yeah. We're going past a cemetery, hold your breath. Flannel's old meets salon. Jess, if you're going to guess someone in this room, wrote that, who would it be? Oh, I had a gut instinct and then actually, it could have been either of the freaks. Gut instinct was Barney.

Yes, correct. Yeah, that was Barney. The old nook and cranny, which I think deserved to be picked. That was Bronte. That's really good. I think it's just, I believe it. And it's funny. And it's fun.

Probably deserved a point. Thank you. That is delicious. Barney went for that. That was Rosa, the question writer. That was fun. Yeah,

Rosa knows the greasy spoons. Yeah, you're right what you know. Yeah, you're right what you know. She lured me in like, uh, like Barney does when I get in the car.

Yeah. How does he do with treats? Yeah. He's like, come on, look, I've got a sour treat for you. Ooh.

Yeah, it's a lemon. Yeah, it's a lemon. Yeah. Oh. Oh. great this time of year now Bronty went for gobble gobble gobble

go get in my guts I'm afraid that was the house It's good stuff Is correct It is fat fanny cafe Good on you Jess Look in my defence and yours I've been

Frequenting fat fanny for years I'm a big fan of fat fanny Beautiful pancakes I've been With this podcast from it's inception and I know what the listeners, those weird little freaks, what they're looking for.

Right. And it was like, if it's fat fanny, that they're going to be like, that's no worthy. You know what I mean? To an English a year. Yeah.

To an American, if it was an American place, you'd think that, that sounds so, you sit your fat fanny down and have a feed. You got a big, juicy butt. Yeah. But you're fat.

Fanny. Is it, was a pH? No. Where was the, the greasy spoon located. Dalestan West Midlands. So I guess outside of Birmingham.

I stopped listening after Dalston. And I thought it was Dalston and I was like Dalton North Carolina. I don't know if that isn't. Yeah. Yeah. So that's why I didn't win that one. Yeah. That's why. Yeah. Flannels all meat saloon salon. Yeah. Does sound a lot more American. Yeah.

I would have changed tack. I would have called it big brash orphans and kings. You know? I've got a Cow. Yeah. Something like that. Something like that. The old doinker.

If it was an Australian one, what would you call it? I'd call it Dennis Commetti's wet lunch. What do they serve? Oh, earfuls of stuff. What about the tuck shop ladies' armpit? Oh my God. That's a bigger station. Yeah, that's nice.

So that made two points to house. One point for Jess that round. Meaning with two rounds to go, the scores are Bronte on one, Jess on two, Barney on three. but way out in front on six points it's the house. Fuck the house, man. Fuck the house. What about that movie with Amy Polar?

The house? Yep. Fuck it. Yeah, even that movie. Fuck the house. Now the penultimate question comes from Kendra from Toronto and Canada. Jess, we're going to be in Toronto. What?

Hopefully we'll see you there, Kendra. In like at the time of release next week. Oh my God. It's coming up quick. Can't wait. to be there in Toronto. And then I'm doing a stand-up show with Alcestrade Trombley-Birtchal, either the day before or the day after or the same day.

It's any of those. Yes. And you're adults, figure it out yourself. You could figure that out. And this is a Canadian question. What weird headline was published by CBC, which is Canadian radio, on May the 12th, 2026. A recent one was reporting, yeah,

it was reporting on a science-related, finding or something. Reporting on a new scientific paper apparently. Okay. While you're writing your answers, here's some more info about Fat Fanny. Rosa writes, I grew up in Dahlaston,

and this cafe made me laugh every time I walk past it. That's so funny to be, just like a thing you see every day and a sign still going, gets me every time. They've done it again. The Fat Fanny's breakfast special

came with six slices of Toast. Whoa. That's too many. Answer info. Question number five. What weird headline was published by the CBC Radio on May 12th, 2026 reporting on a scientific paper.

The DNA has an extra strand, a hidden strand that scientists have named the butt crack. Scientists discover moose are scared of mice. It's very Canadian. It is. Canadian geese are threatening bald eagles migratory habits. Can maple syrup cure the common cold? Sucker fish are diving headfirst into unsuspecting manta rays rear ends. Unclear if the fish are motivated by food or fear.

Or finally, Canucks McGuffin splits the loony without the bear clawpedes. Okay. Now, Bronte. Yes. Got their butt-crack DNA. Yes. My sked of moose. You've got Canadian geese threatening bald eagles.

You got maple syrup in the common cold. You got sucker fish diving into the butts of manta rays. And you've got the Canuck McGuffin splitting the loony. Strong, the strong stuff out there. Big ups to who wrote those. Oh, we're really big ups. Yeah, big ups. Full credit to the boys.

We're not going 110%. Absolutely. There couldn't have been anything better that happened out on that year today. No, there couldn't have been anything better. No. We played to the game and we did it. But what I will say, Matt, thank you for asking. I'm going to say the maple syrup one because I learnt recently, it comes from trees.

Maple trees in particular, I think. I don't, I'll go right on a limb there, I think. Yeah. That would make sense. Yeah. You two will find out soon. Yeah, yeah. We'll go, we'll ask a local.

We'll go tap a tree ourselves, I reckon. Yeah, I'll see if I can find Canucks Mcuffin and ask him. Bronte is locked in. Barney, what are you thinking? I mean, I can't, I don't know if it'll be right, but I can't go past a fish that's one call to suck a fish and two, it is doing around the twist and diving into the special privates of another creature.

Yeah. I love that. All right, we'll lock that in and Jess? Yeah, I was going to go sucker fish. You definitely can. Nah, I'm going to go the last one. Okay. The last one.

Being Canucks McGuff. Yeah. Canucks McGuffin. Here's who wrote the answers. Only people who've been to Canada would even understand that. And I've not been to Canada. Yet. We'll understand it soon.

I'm going to understand that really soon. Here's the answer is. The butt cracked DNA strand. That was Bronte. Well done. Thank you. You know you're a scientifically minded person. Yep.

I know DNAs have strands. Yep. Like hair. Moose being scared of mice. It was Jess Perkins. Yeah. I got bored halfway through, to be honest. I loved it.

I was writing. It sounds great, moose and mice. Yeah. Yeah. Canadian geese and the bald eagles. That was Kendra. Kendra also wrote the maple syrup one, I'm afraid, Bronte. If I don't come back from this, I'm afraid I'm going to have to abandon the pod.

Final round, which is the last round is triple points. You're looking good. I have to at least beat one person. And if you don't come back from this, you will be abandoning the pot at the end anyway. It's a perfect time to go Best time for a guest to leave Yeah When it's over

Yeah Now Jess went for the Canucks McGuff and that was Barney Yeah that was good What it did that Looney as a coin Yes Bear Clopetes

No I don't know My brother lives over there And I was just feeling angry Because he sounds a little bit Canadian Oh Yeah I don't like

It's a beautiful He's from here Yeah You're one of us Yeah And that means Barney's also correct. It's the sucker fish diving into the assholes. You've had a couple of doubles.

Yeah. Oh, it's done. Yeah, thank you. Thank you. So with one round to go. He doesn't need it. Oh, okay. Propping up.

Okay, sorry. Fronties on one, just on two. Barney's on five. But the house is on five. But it's triple points final round. And this one, we just want a short synopsis, one or two or three sentences long. How many?

One or two or three. Yes, correct. And the question comes from a legendary question writer on the show. Jim Bates from Sackett's Harbour in New York. And Jim's question is, what was the plot of the 1973 failed pilot TV show baffled? Just very quickly before we do the final question. Apparently it's called cloacal diving because the fish launches itself into its host's cloaca,

a one-stop shop orifice for reproduction and excretion. Cliacal diving has been observed before between remoras and whale sharks, the latter of which are much bigger than the rays, but this is believed to be the first documented evidence of this type of interaction between rays and remoras. If I'm saying that, right, I think the remoras are the sucker fish. Researchers notice seven instances across different parts of the ocean and over a span of 15 years, but they suspect it happens far more often. We think this is an underreported phenomenon because oftentimes you just see the very tip of the tail poking out from the

side of the Manta Ray. They're really wedging themselves into that area, said scientist. A scientist named Yeager. Emily Yeager, marine researcher. Emily, what are you doing? Why are you watching that private thing happening? Leave them alone. She's fulfilled everyone's eight-year-old dream of becoming a marine biologist. And then she's fulfilling a cold. That's true. That's disgusting. She started out, you know, with naive dreams of just seeing the fish. Whale shark?

And then that wasn't enough for her anymore. She was like, I want to see them dive into each other's butts. Yeah. Emily, you sicker. Yeah, and she started putting peanut butter up their butts just to see. Oh, no, no, for science. For science we're seeing. Why didn't she go straight to that?

Is that something you've wanted to do? What? You had that? Yeah, white peanut butter, Matt. What? Is it natural? Does it have the... What depends on what kind of sucker fish?

Is that... Is it the oil or dogs to chase them? The mavers one? Yeah. Sea dogs. I think of the sucker fish as a sea. Seed dogs. As a she dog.

All right. The answer in for the final question. Oh my God. What is the plot of the 1973 failed pilot baffled? It's about a 23-year-old who is a nanny and a slop. I'm intrigued. It got me just a... like it is the first time.

I don't know. It's so funny how that got me in exact the same way. I mean, are you thinking, mate? Well, I don't know why I'm talking to you. This is a 1973 failed pilot. Yeah, yeah. But that would be a great name for Melbourne Fringe Festival show. Or a byline.

That's option one. Option two. Um, what? Excuse me. I don't get it. Sorry, I can't comprehend that. Ah, geez. I don't have an answer for that.

Oh, I'm completely just gone. on on that one and it's not even the most difficult oh I'm sorry oh oh that's on the tip of my tongue oh oh no I'm sorry but what okay I'm baffled that's option two hey can I just say beautifully red thank you option three baffled follows a Wilma baffle an attorney and single mom who's trying to have it all the show follows the antics of the employees of baffle baffle and sons as They balance their clients with their wacky personal lives. And they use baffle dollars. Use baffle dollars to pay for things.

They built their own little microcosm of a society. That's beautiful. I don't know why they got cancelled. Well, yeah, it didn't even get picked up to be honest. They needed to give the show a chance to find its feet. Yeah, exactly. And that was without AI as well, but that's the 70s. The option for race car driver Tom Kovac suddenly begins.

to experience psychic visions. He meets Michelle Brent, an expert on the paranormal and the two-form, an unlikely partnership, drawing them into an occult-themed mystery at a remote English inn. Or finally, Baffled focuses on Ben Baffle, international spy and animal lover.

Where he uses his ability, his high- IQ mind to solve crimes before celebrating with a vegan wine. Okay. Okay. So, Bani, you'll go first. This is a great crop of option. Yeah.

You got the nanny slut. Yeah. You've got the... Nummy. You got the guy who's baffled. He's really finding it difficult. Yeah. You've got the international spy and animal lover.

You've got Wilma, who's the attorney, and you've got the race car driver with psychic visions. Oh, I'm going to go with the race car driver. Race car driver. Bernie was a race car driver. Locked in, Jess. I also wanted to go the race car driver. And you will or won't?

I will. Locked in. You know what, Matt? I'm going to put all my cards and chips and poker and money on the race car driver as well. I'm throwing my hat in the ring and I'm happy about it. Okay, everyone's in. And then if we're wrong, I reckon we just fell run Louise.

Yeah. Straight off a cliff. Yeah. Yeah. If you've gone for the house answer. Yeah. It could be the house's biggest victory ever. It really could.

Yeah. Fuck it. Let's do it. All right. You're all locked in. Here's who wrote the answers. The nanny slut. It's Bronte.

Oh, gosh. Where do you get your ideas? Oh, my gosh. Isn't that self-involved? It's quite disgusting. I will tell you this, Bronte. We would have plugged the show again. You didn't have to do that.

No, it's always, I've got this marketing mindset right now. I'm not really in riding mode. I just know, there will be some listeners who go, I'm not going to go anymore if she's not going to respect the game. Well, guess what? I'm playing, so I make the rules the way I play. I'm six years old. She's not.

Excuse me, I don't get it. Sorry, I can't comprehend, etc. That was Barney. You sort of just went a bit free form there. Yeah. But if you sort of use the first letters of every one of those words, you'll get quite the cohesive. Are we mid-guer?

Well, I'll do that later. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's just do it home. Wilma Baffle, the attorney and single mum, who's trying to have it all. That was Jess Perkins. Jess, I really appreciate for a rare time. Yours was the one that showed the most effort of the guests.

Thank you. And I really giggled at Willma. Baffle. I think Wilma Baffle is fantastic. Baffle, Baffle and Sons also from stellar work. Thanks so much. Ben Baffle. Usually?

I disagree. No. I think you're a great gal. No, shut up. I think you're a treat. Shut up. Shut up. The international spy, Ben Baffle, animal lover.

That was a real collab between Jim and the house. Everything good about it was Jim. The rest was me. And that does mean you are correct. Tom Covec gets psychic vision. after maybe crashing his race car, played by Leonard Nimoy. Whoa.

So you each get triple points. So I'll do final scores in a second. Baffled, obviously, did not go well. They just couldn't sell it. It ended up airing at the cinemas in England as a film, a 90-minute film. Yeah, I'm guessing it's really good. Sounds good.

I want to watch it. So yeah, that is correct. I'll give you the final scores, but first where can people find you? Me personally? Yeah. In Canada. Yes. Well, for like a two-week period.

We're doing shows in Vancouver, Montreal, Calgary and Toronto. Oh, I'm so excited. Can't believe we're going. I know. I won't believe it to her on the plane. I know it is feeling like it, but it's getting pretty close now. Yeah. But I still won't believe it to her on the plane, but that's where you can find us.

Or do go on pod. But yeah, do go on pod on Instagram. Yeah, all the info is there. I'd love to see you there. Bronte, your show. Yes. The nanny slut? Nanny slut.

I was a slut and a nanny. That's how she became the slut. If you want to use that in the show, yeah, I think, yeah. Yeah, that is yours. You can have that. I don't think I'll ever. You won't think I'll ever. I don't think you'll use it.

I'd like to use it. I just don't know where I could do that. That's how to become the slat. Yeah, no. It doesn't. I might add that to the poster. Yes. Like a pull quote, a sort of review.

Yeah. Yeah. I think that's the way. It's on a theory bar at the improv conspiracy. It opens October 9th. And I'm stoked about it. I'm really jazzed. You can find me.

You can watch it. It's 40 minutes, which is enough. Oh, that's a great amount of time for sure. No, 45. That's a real selling point. Short show. All festival shows should be 40 minutes. That's enough.

Barney? Where can people find me? They can find me on, um, uh, uh, Instagram. Um, and my, my name on there is, um, at. You're doing great. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you.

Somebody needs a muffin. I don't know my afternoon muffin. I can't talk. He needs his beer. At Barney. Dot Pollock. You can find me. me on there. If you can't find me on there,

not a problem. Find it on LinkedIn. He's on LinkedIn. Bloody hell. Yeah. All right. Final scores. Thanks so much for joining us. One and all final scores in fourth place on four points. It's Bronte Lock. Yeah. Whatever. I don't want to play anymore. Yeah. It sucks anyway. I'm kicking the board game off.

Only one point behind third spot with five points. Jess Perkins. Only two points behind. Second spot on seven points to the house. But out in front, storm to the end. On eight points, the winner is Barney Pollock. Oh my, I needed this. No, he did not.

Yes. No, he did not. God, it's going to be a long night. Oh, my God. Thanks so much for joining us. Really appreciate it. Cheers, everyone for tuning in. Give us a five-star review if you want to.

Tell your friends, if you think you know anyone who might enjoy it. And now that you know it, I've been Matt Stewart. Goodbye. What part of Melbourne are you in? Are you recording? Connor ordered that out. Connor did not docks me, you sick fuck. There's crazy how Bronte just waited there until I press record and etc.

We're rolling? Bronte, thank you so much for asking. My address. Oh, nice. Connor, that's my actual address. Connor Lee Badly. I don't trust Connor that much, let alone. I trust Connor that much.

Okay. Are you putting your headphones on, Jess? I will now. Yeah. Everybody else is. Remind me to trim out that bit. I do not trust Connor with that information. He's going to send you a package.

Oh, I'm okay with that. It's... Hang on. I need him to get the unit number if he's going to send me something. It's unit... You're committing to a bit here that is only going to lead to me having to write something for the funeral. An obituary. Now listen to my credit card details are.

Maybe if you're going to put it, at least bleep it out. Because it was a pretty funny bit from Jess, and then Barney really tagged that nicely there. So maybe if you could leave it in. Leave it and just bleep it. Yeah. Should I say something now? Yeah, yeah, go on.

What's your pin? Go on. Or whatever you want, blood type, whatever you want to. Mother's maiden, man. I use all the same passwords. Same. Same. And I know it's bad, but I just, I don't care.

Yeah, it's all. It's. I'm worried that this is real. Yeah. It is. Well, okay. Can I edit that out. You got to bleep that as well.

That's all right. That's really funny, though. Where will you be message? So, Bronte, you message, you DM me the answers. Got you want to do it on Insta? Is that where we're all on? I think so. That sounds good.

People aren't on it. It's like, yeah, happy with that? Yeah. I'll put my phone on D&D because it constantly blows up. Oh. Booked and busy. Hot prop around town. I guess I'll have to...

Hot prop. Hot prop. That's a rugby position, isn't it, Jess? It is. Hot prop? Well, it depends on the prop. On the prop. Is your man a prop?

He is a prop. Is he really? He's a hot prop. I'd say he's a hot prop. Tahoe? Tupo. Tupo. I'm thinking of a lake.

You are thinking of a lake. You are in Albert Park. Albert Park. Lake, that's, yeah, there you go. Beautiful. Beautiful. Beautiful. Beautiful hot lake.

Welcome to Who knew with Matt Stewart, the show where the guests write the wrong answers. I'm the titular. Fuck it out. Whoa. How many episodes is this? This is 207. Great number.

That's my password. Which are important. What ones were they? If we're extending that metaphor, what war did you not fight in? And what are we identifying as? a little war. Oh, yeah, that's a great question.

The director's become the directee. It looks like the tables have turned on me here in this studio. What I would say, I would define a little war is probably the war of streaming. The streaming was. That would be a good choice. I was going to say Woolies v. Coles. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Cold Wars. Yeah, yeah. I think probably the Woolies versus. Colesmore lives have been lost than many of the major wars. That duopoly thing is bad. It is. Yeah. It is.

Where does everyone shop? Um, at the good guys. Yeah. Because I'm like, I'm not going to, I'm not going to give my money to the bad guys. No. Yeah. I'm going to be on the right side of this. Toscanos of Q.

Yeah. Fantastic. Do you think of them as good guys? No. No. No. But I was a PA for this influence. and I used to have to go there.

I pay for an influencer. Yeah. Holy shit. I signed an NDA. I didn't. You never signed it. Chucked on the bin. No, I didn't.

Where do you shop, Jess? Toscano's of Q. Yeah. Yeah. There you go. I go to the good guys. Yeah. Hey, there you go.

Yeah. But mine's not a general. Mine is I go to the store, the good guys. Oh. And I get everything I need there. Yeah. Yeah. White goods.

White goods. Yes. Which, I mean, to be honest, it's something to be honest, it's something to sound like, you're not shopping with the good guys, mate. I love good guys, white goods. Any chance. Any chance.

There we go. But yeah, DM me or, you know, come on the show and talk to me in person like Bronte's done. They're the two options. But if it's been a while, if you submit a question quite a while ago. A few months. A few months ago and you haven't heard anything. It's probably because it was shit.

No, that's, I mean, that's one of two main points. possibilities. The even larger possibility is that there's lots of questions in there and they get lost and the mark. And some of them are really good. Some of them are really good. So they get chosen. Where are you storing these questions? In a, it's just a mucky bin. It's a data center, right? A data center? Yeah. Yeah. What started is a dirty place for they need a lot of water. That's why people don't know. That's why data centers use a lot of water because otherwise they just stay very dusty. They're dirty centres. So yeah. Gotta keep them wet. Got to keep them wet and mucky. That's Barney's bedroom. Is that true?

You live in a muddy muck. People have their own special tastes. Yes. And mine is a vigorously dirty. No, no, no. I was going to say, vigorous really dirty taste. No, I... And I've got the dirtiest taste.

No, no. I'm filthy. No, no. No, that was just, that was a joke. That was a joke. That was just a gentle pride. Just a bit of fun. A bit of fun amongst friends.

It's no big deal. Absolutely. I would like to think that we're all safe to have fun here. Thank you. Well, yeah, I think if that's what you want from your podcast, you have to create that environment. Yeah. So that comes from you. I'm going to work a little harder.

That trickles down from you. Trickle down joy. That's right. That's right. All right. All right. All right. I'll lift.

Thank you. This is like, you know, there's major league baseball. and there's lower leagues, you know, the miners and you head up. This is like the minor leagues for Guymont-Golmeries, Guymont Spellaby. And Bronte, I think you just, I think you might, you know, get a phone call later. Thank God, because I haven't heard squat from my agent in about three weeks. Oh, my God. Last thing was a Medibank commercial.

I got to write my answer. Sorry, I got distracted. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Whereabouts is the show on it, the Melbourne fringe? That's going to, I'm going to pass that to Barney because I got to write my hands.

Oh, I was asking Barney. Oh, thank God. I mean, that says something. Don't you patronise him. I tell you what, though, that says something about the equality in your relationship. Or even maybe that it's going a little bit skewhip there over to Bronte, that Bronte assumed anything else to Barney. was for Bronte's answer.

Yeah. Interesting. Well, it's on at the Palais Theatre in St Kilda. Wow. Where 3,000 seats. Is that how big it is? I think maybe more. Is it?

I don't know. No, you're probably right. Phil everyone. It's so big that I saw Kiss there. Oh, really? You're playing on Kisses stage. I am. I saw...

Palet. Ian Mossy Moss there. Ian Mossy Moss. Yeah. I'm called Chisle. Oh. And I saw Fleet Foxes there. Wow.

You're spot on. It's just under 3,000. Oh, my God. No, you've just booked it. Exactly. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, we booked it. And we're doing a whole run.

Yeah, I think the thing about fringe is it's a money-making thing. Correct. Yeah. Yeah. So we book the theatre. No marketing. No need. No.

Word of mouth. That's what the festival's all about. Absolutely. Do one TikTok and that should be. That should fill it for you, yeah. Well, they said to us because we got, you know, they said we've got an FMV offer and they said, it's around the back of a bin.

Yeah. And we were like, they were like, that's fringe. You know, that's it's a little bit of space. That is so fringe. And we said, I think we'll sort ourselves out. Thank you. Yeah. So we paid for it up front.

Yeah. How much in the hole? How much in the hole? 20K. Yeah. Nothing. Yeah. I'll make that back opening up.

Oh, absolutely. Yeah, easy. We've got some shirts. Yeah, okay. I've made some merch. I haven't written the show, but I've made merch. That's important. I've just seen your palais run sold out and you've had to add extra shows.

What's this venue? Oh, the Maya Music Bowl. We are going to be playing that. Great. Yeah. Oh, that's good. No, it's good. Open air.

Perfect. This time of year. Picnic blanket. Absolutely. It's really nice. Wetest, yeah. Fringe is in the wettest time of year. Yeah.

I think Melbourne should have more outdoor venues. I think they're always a really good idea. Especially in October. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We tried the G. Yeah?

They said they were like next year. Yeah. Right, okay. Yeah. Yeah, one of those venues, it's like, you've got to prove it. And you're like, shut up, right. But yeah, anyway, next year you'll. Next year.

They'll be begging you to come to them. Absolutely. And I'm going to do a Barney Pollock and call it Hand, Hand, Foot and Mouth, too. Oh, that's brilliant. We had King of the Pigs too. Uh-huh. Yeah, that was, I think that was best newcomer nominated. I think so.

Hang on. Let me... Oh, Susan, Prove. Yes, thanks. She just confirmed. Out of retirement? Yeah, I've got some news for you, but I do. What awards have you been nominated for, Jess?

An actor for best web series. Superstar. And we lost to some children vloggers. Yeah. So that felt good, didn't it, Matt? I thought it was fair enough. I mean, you know, hey. They're still children vloggers.

Hey. I came with nothing. I left with nothing. That's right. Ain't that the truth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So yeah, we haven't really put ourselves out there since we lost to the Norris Nuts. Man, I have very little recollection of this.

But the fact that you remember the show suggests we've got some things to work through. She was a girl. My therapist has some things to work through. The Norris Nuts. That's so good. Surf a girl. Yeah. That went on morning TV, right?

Oh, yeah. I think so, yeah. Okay, got it. So you're really down playing. This is a surfer. This is a surfer. Viral. Viral.

Yeah. Virality. It's all about clicks. Our series. I'm feeling better about it by the second. Absolutely. Yeah. Our series was dog shit.

It was crazy we got nominated for a real award. True. Yeah. So. Guys, I think if I lost to a member of the bra boys, I would be grateful. Yeah. So stand next to, stand next to such powerful people. Supportive people.

Yeah. Supportive. Yeah. Supportive. people. Jess told the story of it on an episode of our other podcast to go on. And it was, it was real sad.

Yeah. It was real sad. Was it just, Australia that did it, Jess? No, I think it was in the US. It was in the US.

And they hired out this big, expensive hall. And, and yeah, there's a, the most iconic photo is this really empty room. Huge empty room. And in the middle,

there's like a blowup pool. Like, they said there's a ball pit. room. There was a blow-up kids pool with balls in it. And it was like, it's like a tiny little thing in the middle of this huge empty room because nearly no one turned up. It's kind of awesome. This is sounding like the ballet runner at foot in the house.

No, no, no. Quite the opposite. That's the, yeah, the Willy Wonka experience all over again. A. Laptops, tablets, toilet trees and lacquads. What is it about this podcast and people doing Scottish? shit on here. Like every time I'm on. I love it. Anyone Scottish? Scottish?

No. No, but the, you know, the listeners. Yeah, the listeners. The listeners. And they're all beautiful. No matter what Ben Russell said on previous episodes. But Bronte, you like Scottish people. Is that right? Oh, famously, I've had very productive relationships with the Scottish people. Actually, I'm going to take this off, Mike, and I'll tell you later.

Like all great podcasts. I'm going to take it off, Mike. Yeah. This is the hot mic. Yeah. We're going to need to go cold for my opinion on the Scots. When I hear people say that when I'm listening to a podcast, I'm like, God, I want nothing more of being in that room. Are you texting them if you know? Probably.

Hey, this was probably months ago for you. Yeah, yeah. What was? And it's like, if I was in the room, I probably wouldn't have cared that much about the answer. It's that you're withholding it for me. I'm like, God, I want to know the Goss now. About Scots. I'll tell you later.

Hot Scott. Scott. Hot Scott Goss. I want Scott Goss. Not too. too late, I hope, because like my period was late. Don't worry,

edit that out, Connor. Connor, keep that in, you fucking coward. I was doing a joke about the meanings of late. And I was trying to, I was trying to miss one. So, Jess.

I actually tried to get some stock in four theory bar the other day. I met this nice bloke that sold homemade lemon cello. And I was, was like, yeah, I'll stock it. Went up the chain of improv conspiracy and they were like, you cannot stock your own alcohol within our bar.

Okay, kill joys. Yeah, literally. I thought, what about yes and? That's what I said. Another version of that story, and obviously this is not, you know, accurate. Bronte's version was accurate, but another version would be. This is Barney's version. This is Barney's version.

This is Barney's version. Free of the chains. and in that version, Bronte promised this man a co-lab with the bar and then a couple of days later then said, I'm going to have my own cocktail at the bar, person who works at the bar. I found a lemoncello supplier and they said, no, we are contracted to another supplier.

We have to use them. We're not allowed to use this other person. I thought it might have been a health and safe you can't sell homemade liquor. No, they'd love that. That's fine. Bath tub gin. Yeah, that's okay.

It's so great. Theory bars are becoming a speakey. Yeah. Isn't it funny when you start talking and then you lose steam during? Yeah. It's like that's cicadas. Yeah. Cannot relate.

No, I never shut up. You build up steam. I'm just like, charge. I'm like a permanent train. Yeah. Permanent train. Barney gets morning zoomies. Permanent training.

Really? Yeah, what a sick fuck. Oh yeah, that's not a good. I get whatever the opposite of that is. Yeah. When Jess and I tour, we both just avoid each other in the mornings pretty much. With love.

And then we do have a Barney type, Dave Warnocky's, the other guy from our Dugour and podcast, and he's up and at him. He's probably climbed the Eiffel Tower before we get up. Yeah. And we're on tour in Canberra or something.

He's like, how'd you get to the Eiffel Tower? Yeah, he's just like, Hey, morning, guys, I've had two hours sleep. I feel fantastic. And we're like, we've only had 11, so we need you to chill out. Can you please keep it down? See, for me, the morning Zoom, it's only in private. Yeah, okay.

Well, I'm there, so. It's not that private. Yeah, come on, mate. I am being observed. Like you're in, like a zoo. Like a zoo, yeah. He needs his enrichment time. Oh, my God.

I call it parallel play. Oh, yeah. That sounds sexual. It's not it. No, no, no. I didn't take it that way. Okay, thank you. Thanks, Jess.

What I'm hearing and affirming is it is exhausting living with men, yes. Yeah. Do you live with? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, who also is energetic first thing in the morning. Yes. And I'm like, you need to shut the fuck up.

All right. Men rule. Alternative opinion. For balance. This is a hot mic, just FYI. Your mic is hot. It's flaming hot now with that take. It's okay to be a man.

There I said it. And I know a lot of boys out there are taught that that's not okay these days. So we're the only pariahs in society. Exactly. But I want to tell those boys out there if I could get you in my pipeline. Hang on, no. Hang on. Look, this is our natural environment, the podcast.

Yes. Yes, that's true. We are but interlopers in the field. Guests Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah

Well we did ask you to take up your shoes And you didn't Yeah I'm wearing ankle Like those ankle No show socks Because I've run out Yeah

So I didn't want anyone to see Yeah nobody needs to know that Late in the cycle Heyo What was that joke you made before Matt Fingers crossed Anything now

Got the pads at the ready That sort of thing What? Yeah We'll edit it all that out. That's all right. Connor, you will look after us, right?

As a fellow man. I have something to say, Jess. Yeah. Directed to the women in the room. When I take the pill, I look at it as like my little advent calendar. Yeah. And I pop whatever one I feel like.

And you go, ooh! I'm like, what day is it today? It's Wednesday, midweek, three. No, it's not. You're just going rogue. Wow, that tells me things about you. like Advent calendar, you go any day? That's, they're all labelled by the day.

Yeah. One to 25, I guess. Who's to know what date it is? God, I wish I could live that carefree. Santa. Yeah. He was so generous to me this year. It was crazy.

What? I got nice top. And you ate your Advent calendar in a podge order. Should have been on the naughty list, not on the nice top list. What the fuck is going on? All right, Connor. I'm really curious to see what is left in. And I say that.

As if I'll ever listen back. Please look after us, Connor. Do your worst, Connor. To Jess, that's Jess said that. Yeah, go for it. Jess doesn't care. She's fucking Teflon. The thing she's said in public and never been held accountable.

Did you see the, what's his name, the guy that he does, did the cover. This is great content. Sorry, man. I'm bringing the content down. I'm loving it already. Was his name, the guy that was his, heir apparent and he's young blood oh oh yeah and those low-rise jeans yes he's Ozzy Osbourne's heir apparent I think so I think Ozzy picked him as as the next one

and he's got a fun accent too young or is he from Birmingham you're asking a lot of questions Bronte was just sharing a fun anecdote it's a really yes he is English he's English he's He's from Doncaster. Doncaster. That's Doncaster. Which maybe isn't a similar. I've been to Doncaster Westfield before. Anyway, sorry, Youngblood.

Have you toured the UK? Youngblood. What were you saying about him? I just said that Ozzy Osbourne liked him. Yeah, right. That's interesting. Yeah. I don't think I knew anything about him.

Youngblood. He came up on my TikTok once and then it was just like an echo chamber of Youngblood for a while. I hovered too long. I saw a video of him like, bringing a person up onto the stage because she was holding up a sign saying she could play the guitar for one of these songs. Do you see that? I did. The interaction between them was sexually charged.

Oh. I was like, whoa, a little hot under the collar. Like in a good way? Yeah. Okay. Okay. Not, he wasn't like being gross. No, he wasn't being gross.

And she, she sent to really enjoy it. Like that Janet Jackson video. See that one? Where it says like, is it Janet Jackson? there's a guy who's just like basically like might be you know going all the way but he she's like sort of all over him and it's a very uncomfortable watch oh no i don't know that one and it sounds like i don't want to watch it i think you probably want to watch it okay it's just like it's something it's a full-on watch oh i've got a female wreck yes i think a lovely tender on the stage moment is when kiki palmer got up at the usher concert and danced with him, which prompted her divorce. Oh, okay.

Yeah. Oh, right. Yeah. Huh. She was having a great night out. Mum's night out. Mom's night out. Mom from the town and her, her.

I'm going to stop now. This is all. Okay, you'll take this off point. Oh, hot mic. Yeah, we need a cold mic for that. Yeah. Yeah. I think, I think, oh, here it is.

Is this going to be, can you bring in some tender moments to this show, but KFC style? Like, here we go for another, who knew it? Tender moment. That's just someone making out with a chicken wing or something. That could be nice. Yeah, anyway, I'll show that to you. He can't multitask. I really can't.

There's a duo that I did a gig with last week called the Tuck Shop Ladies. Oh, great. They're from Melbourne. Oh, good on them. They didn't check out their pits. Did not check out their pits. What about, yeah, so it was a bit of a cold green room, you know. Normally you're showing each other your pits.

You're always checking out people's pits. When I did Barney's weekly show before you go out, this is the most uncomfortable thing, but they all touch each other on the back and literally say, I've got your back. Which I think is really nice, but coming from the stand-up world, like the full-body cringe of it, but that's part of it, right? Yeah. You're trying to get rid of all the... It's like how, if I embarrass myself in here to that degree in front of my peers,

the embarrassing thing I'm about to do improv can't touch me. Yes. It's really clever, but yeah, doing it for the first time. I imagine it gets easier. And not knowing it was going to come either. So I was just, oh. And it was all boys that night. All boys!

Which, all, everything about it felt good. Yeah. Just on before? No. Just have you done it? I'm not available. I will go to that show if they ever get you. They won't.

They won't snag me. It was not as brutal as you might think guesting on an improv show might be. Apart from that bit. Apart from that. That would have been warned. Yeah, no, I'm definitely unavailable. And then you didn't say after the show, we all get in a circle and go, we did it. We did it.

Oh, yeah, we did it. And you go around and say something that you think you did really. well. Something you did and something they did. No, no, no, just something I did. Okay. I've absolutely forgot where we were at. I've recently tried to cut down

a one slice of bread a day. Can't even have a sandwich. It's rough. I would have used to have had six slices of toasts or bread a day for sure. Walk me through that. Six slices. Yeah. Two sandwiches.

Two sandwiches. I would have had toast. Toast for breakfast. Yeah. And then maybe two sandwiches for lunch? Yeah.

And then maybe like bread on the side of dinner. Right. So more than six, possibly. I don't know. Yeah. And I just wouldn't,

if bread was available, I'd have it. Sure. You know, you're somewhere, oh, there's a bread roll. Thank you. Yeah, I love bread.

I'll fill up on bread. At this all you can eat buffet. I'll just take the bread. All I can eat is all of the bread. But now I just have one a day. Is it white bread? Or is it? seeded.

I try to have a seeded bread. Oh, okay. Good for the gut. Yeah, that's the hope. Good, yeah. I've been on the chia chia puts. Yeah. Oh, they good?

Yeah. I've started having chia seeds on my oats in the morning. Is that good? I think so. The doctor told me to have chia. It's an exfoliant for the bowel, upper and lower. Well, there you go. I'm making that up.

That should have been my answer. But it should be, like, it should have been my answer. Hey, it's not too late for mine. Oh, Jess, come on. If she does that, kind of edit out what just happened and put it at the end. Okay, well now I'm deleting it. What do you have for breakfast, Barney? Me, I like to go to Coles.

Okay. And I like to get myself a pack of four muffins. You do? And I'll have a muffin each day in the morning for the breakfast. Oh, man, I love a muffin. Like an English muffin? No. Like a muffin muffin.

Just a muffin. $4.50. Like a blueberry muffin type thing. No. That has fruit. No. They're healthy. Yeah, no, I don't have that.

I have double chocolate muffin. And it's surprisingly feeling, given that it's mostly air. But if you put them in the fridge and let them dense up, you've got a delicious morning treat that makes it easy to get out of bed. Let them dense up. Got to let them dance up. Got to let them dance up. Yeah, yeah. These ones aren't ripe yet.

They're not dense enough. I say that, don't know. I'm asleep. You do, you do. Do you go to bed, like,

excited for your... My muffin morning, yes. Yeah. I think that's why... I love that feeling. Yeah. It's like when you'd have something in the fridge and you'd think about it all day at high school,

like when you come home and your brother had eaten it? Dude, one time I came home, it wasn't from school, it was from like my after school job, and I knew there was still half a packet of salt and vinegar chips in the... Or maybe a full packet of salt and vinegar chips in the pantry. And I was like, I'm going to fucking demolish those salt vinegar chips.

And I get home and my brother and my uncle had eaten them. And I was like, you are both dead. All I wanted was those salt vinegar chips. So, yeah, I can relate. Yeah. My brother would always eat. Like, we'd have chocolate. We'd get some dairy milk for after dinner.

But I was going, I'm too, I've had dinner. That's enough for me now at 16. Thank you. But I'd save it for the next day. I'd go, oh, that's a post-school treat. Yeah. I've spent so long focusing that I deserve a sweet treat. And then I'd come in and be like, Toby!

That's his name. Toby. What a piece of shit. Oh, God, he's a dog. Honestly, I've never hated anybody more than I hate your brother. It's actually a lovely guy. Nah, he's not. No, he's a real piece of shit.

Yeah. You guys have it so good, so easy. We were out in the Perth Savannah. hunting hunting for snacks you weren't your mum made muffins your mum made after school muffins

oh my god this is where the muffins come from oh my this is origin wait a minute you're trying to return to mother your afternoon muffins

your afternoon muffin is ready Barnaby sit down you must get ready before we go play the lute we all go play the family loot I'm on neck today I'm on bone bone

like finger bone I'm on bone There's no bad improv Yeah Get a beer pong A beer pong A beer bong A beer bong

Oh And then maple syrup Straight down the gullet Absolutely Oh yeah Yeah And maybe we could have a kegher Have a rager

That's crazy I got hit They might do over there I got hit with a beer bong On the first day of schoolies Um Now, I'm not off to a good start. No.

And then I ended up getting, I ended up getting, like, so, I had glandular fever because a kid sneezed in my mouth. That's not right. That's not right. It's not fun. It's not a fun way to get glandular fever. That's gross. Yeah. I'm sorry that happened to you.

Thanks, Jess. Thanks. Well, on Perth leaves, we'd go out in the Perth Savannah, okay? And what would happen is, it was all our moms came with the mum. And they wouldn't let us do anything apart from, they were force feeding us these muffins. And they'd be like sunscreen on the neck. Yeah.

And the ears. It was sort of like a hunger game scenario. Yeah. But kind of like more like a hung, full thanks. Yeah. And they were pockers. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm sorry that happened to you as well. Thank you so much. Yeah. Just when Brody Jones a story, I'm like, I'll go tell one. Yeah. That's fair. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I think that's healthy. Yeah. We're actually developing his show in the rehearsal. Yeah. It's like I got to come back from this best newcomer on. I got to be better.

And I'm like, this is my rehearsal. Yeah. Yeah, they do that. Yeah. Barnabies. Barabies. All right. What are we doing?

That's really up to you. I've answered. I. Barney needs to. I made. a micro edit. Cheating. Deduct a point.

Jess. Kick her out. You're done, mate. You're cooked. You're absolutely cool. What do you think this is a game?