Who Shat On The Floor At My Wedding? And Other Crimes - S1 E1 Who shat on the floor at my wedding? 'A crime was committed'

Episode Date: November 30, 2020

In this very first episode we delve into the details of a crime that took place at a lesbian wedding in 2018. Join the brides, Helen and Karen, and ‘Detective’ Lauren Kilby as the trio explore possible motives and show you what tricks they have up their sleeves to crack this case.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

A crime was committed on a day that started out very innocently. It was just a stunning day. There were these little fluffy clouds and blue sky and Karen's dress blowing in the wind. I mean, it was just, it was just magical. Two beautiful brides, Helen and Karen, made the appropriate assumption that their wedding day would be the most memorable day of their lives. It was great. I think the whole day was fabulous. There was a lot of love in the air, I think. Everything was wonderful. It was a very special day.

A lot of love in the air, I think. Everything was wonderful. It was a very special day. Well, it was memorable, but not in the way you think. And I went in and I opened the door at the end and was like, oh, what the fuck? Someone has shut on the floor at Helen and Karen's wedding. I'm Detective Lauren Kilby, and I'm here to crack this case.

This is episode one of Who Shat on the Floor at My Wedding. In today's episode, we're going to kickstart the investigation and I'm going to give you a little sneak peek into some of the tricks that I have up my sleeve to correct this case. But first, let's hear from the victims of the crime, my clients. Hello there, I'm Karen Whitehouse, and I'm sitting here with my wife. That's me, Helen McLaughlin. Two years ago, on the 11th of August 2018, we got married.

Yeah, the best day ever. It was a perfect summer's day because it was in August. And it was on a boat. We hired a big boat that we had a ceremony up on the top deck. Jazz band. We had free flow champagne and an open bar, which in hindsight could have been a critical mistake. Someone shat on the floor at our wedding.

So we thought we'd better reach out to our friend who's a detective. Yeah, I'm not sure she's actually, she's not technically a detective. She's a wannabe detective and probably the best thing we could have got to a detective given that we had no money to pay anyone. But we're very grateful that you're here, Lauren. Thanks for coming along. Yeah, that is a really nice introduction. Thank you, Karen.

Actually, I am qualified. I have been involved in plenty of crimes. And I've actually just recently enrolled to my online private investigator course, of which I've received the introductory email. Okay, so let's look at the facts of the case. Your wedding was on a boat, which means that your wedding was an enclosed crime scene. The crime was committed by somebody who you think cared about you. A perpetrator who listened in to your intimate vows and heard about the love that you two have for each other.

A perpetrator who was wined and dined at your expense. A perpetrator who at some point in their life claimed to have loved you. So Karen's a film producer, so she's used to, she manages the shit out of everything, basically. So we'd done a five-minute-by-five-minute itinerary almost. So we know exactly what was happening, just to keep the party flowing. And we know all the good ingredients, enough food, enough wine,

enough drinks, enough entertainment, enough change of scenery. So we had it all, because we were floating around Amsterdam and past windmills and all sorts. But it was a pretty strict schedule, wasn't it? I mean, I've seen it. It's drafted to the minute. Literally, yeah. Yeah. I mean, but nobody knows that and nobody felt that

because we'd just carefully managed it behind the scenes that everything flowed from one thing into the next. No, it wasn't stressful at all. No. And in the itinerary, had you scheduled a slot for someone to shit on the floor? No, Lauren, we hadn't. Okay. Well, let's have a little look back at that schedule, shall we?

Because we need to understand what time the crime was committed. So close your eyes. It's time to transport ourselves back to the day of the crime. Saturday, 11th of August, 2018. The big day. A pristine boat is docked at Pier 14 near Amsterdam Central Station. The guests arrive all happy and hopeful, completely unaware of what's going to go down that evening.

The two brides arrive at the location via tuk-tuk. An interesting choice of vehicle. The wedding vessel sets sail as the ceremony begins on the top deck. We gather here today to celebrate and witness the promise of love and commitment of two beautiful... At about 5.05pm, the brides say, I do. Not the first wedding where Helen said, I do.

You may now kiss the bride. The champagne has popped and the jazz band initiates the afternoon set of smooth ragtime jazz. It's now 7pm. The three-course dinner is served, kicking off with a prawn cocktail starter. Lovely choice. 9.15, the post-dinner disco commences on the top deck. The DJ starts. 9.30pm, the boat docks. For a quick 10 minutes at Amsterdam Central Station, the tired and mature guests disembark. The boat sails onward to Islemere. 9.45 to 10.45pm, the window in which the crime is committed.

So I remember going downstairs through the doors, which were already open to the bathroom, and I just stopped in my tracks because I saw a huge shit in the middle of the floor. And I remember the very first reaction that I had was, wow, this is early on for this kind of thing to happen. That was your first thought? That was my first thought. So you were expecting it. It's just, you knew that that was coming. You weren't shocked to see faecal matter on the floor, but you were like, oh, the time's a bit off here. So your first thought was, already?

Yeah, we've actually, we've spent a lot of time talking about this, about who this possibly could have been. I mean,'ve spent a lot of time talking about this, about who this possibly could have been. I mean, not an unhealthy amount of time, but quite a lot of time. If I was to ask you to identify 10 friends that you think would be most likely to shit on a floor at your wedding. It's actually not something you really want to think about. Well, you have and you do.

So we're writing a podcast about it. So I think off the top of my head, at least five people would be very capable of doing something like that. To be honest, I wouldn't put it past all three of us. So that's three already. I mean, what's going through someone's mind when they're in their finery hunched down, about to take a shit on the floor?

Well, let's talk motives. Yeah. That's an important part of an investigation, a motive that needs to be present for a crime to be committed, as they say in the business. Motives, what do you think? So we've got number one, which would be malicious intent. So this is the dirty protest category, isn't it? So this is like... Not necessarily.

Someone out to get you, I'd say. Well, the lasagna didn't come hot enough. Let's take your shit on the floor. Well, that's not really a protest. I don't like chocolate mousse for dessert, you fuckers. I'm going to shit on the floor. So we've got malicious intent. We've got...

Joke. Good old-fashioned prank. That's one. Is that really a prank? Is that funny? I mean... Well, yes. It is pretty fucking funny, actually.

I guess it is funny. I mean, you could say it's one of the best gifts that we've been given, even though it's taken us quite some time to finally realise it. I am ecstatic that this happened. I'm actually... I'm so happy,

and I want to just personally give a big thank you to the person who did shit. I probably wouldn't shake their hand though. Yeah, they're not a pleasant. They're not a clean sort, are they? Pleasantly clean person. But it's just interesting because I've looked through the list personally and I've gone, you know, oh, for example, there's my former boss. And I think, you know, did I do anything in that, you know, piece of employment where I didn't do a good enough job?

Was she actually annoyed with me? Could I have done better? Was this some statement from her of up your game? And then there's obviously, so we've got accident. We have to talk about this accident. And this is interesting, Karen, because you have a very, very strong idea on this. You are pretty adamant that it's not an accident

because you saw the faecal matter and you saw it so far from the toilet bowl that it couldn't possibly be, it couldn't be an accident. The distance that the specimen was found from the toilet bowl was so considerable that... It was next to the door. It was next to the door. So what we're going to need to do is to work out the exact location

of the faecal matter. So we're going to need to do is to work out the exact location of the fecal matter. So we're going to need to do a kind of who pinned the tail on the donkey. What is that? Pin the tail on the donkey game. Sorry, can I just ask, Detective, is this in your industry? This is a classic strategy used in investigations. It's called pin the tail on the crime scene. So, Detective, I feel like you might need a bit of help.

So how are you actually going to crack this case? Okay, so I have assembled a team of absolute experts in their fields. Hello, my name is Mike Berry. I'm a consultant clinical forensic psychologist. My name is Jo Millington. I'm a forensic scientist. Forensic Psychologist. My name is Jo Millington, I'm a Forensic Scientist. I am an Investigative Psychologist. I've worked in prisons, secure units, maximum security, special hospitals.

I've been involved in the multidisciplinary forensic investigation of probably hundreds of major and critical incidents. If it's a very loose thesis, then it indicates somebody's anxious. If it's a very hard thesis, then it's likely to indicate somebody who's angry. Well, I think revenge is a very strong motivation. You'd have to pull some strings for us to just submit 100 pairs of shoes to a lab. Yes.

And then, obviously. What on earth enticed you to work with us as a complete amateur's given this amazing... I have absolutely no idea why I said yes. Yeah, this is like career suicide for all of us. We've obviously got all these experts on board, but the key to this crime is going to be the interrogations. And we're actually going to be interrogating

your closest friends and family. I'm going to have to use things like lie detector tests, bribery, torture. Nothing is going to not be done. I'm going to be employing everything that you could possibly imagine and even not imagine. What I'm interested in is actually going back to your interview techniques. Are you going to be more of a good cop or bad cop or both? Yeah, that's a very, very good question.

It's obviously problematic considering I am acting on my own here. I don't have a partner. So I'm going to have to be both the good cop and the bad cop. Do you think you could give us a little sample of what the good cop versus bad cop voice would be? I feel like I'm on the spot here, but okay. So, Kira, it seemed like you had a really nice time at the wedding. Did you enjoy yourself? Why is it high-pitched?

It feels like you've just inhaled some helium And then I'm going to just flip Yeah you little bitch Did you like the wedding or did you not like the fucking wedding? Perfect Turn on a sixpence I think yeah turn on a sixpence You're going to freak the fuck everybody out

We will just play normal like we don't know what's going on I think this is going to get more information Without a doubt So how are we going to get this show on the road right now it's friday tomorrow morning i'm going to wake up right yes and i'm going to write an email to every single guest that attended our wedding yeah and i'm going to let them know that we're doing this podcast right and then in that email that we're doing this podcast. Right.

And then in that email, I'm not only going to ask if there are any leads that people have just to come forward. I don't know if there's going to be a reward. It will be very minimal if there is a reward. We can send them a box of after eight minutes

or something like that. As long as you just introduce me as a lead detective on the case, then I've got no issues. What else have you put in? Should I just put you in CC then? Acting detective. Oh, I might get an email.

Yeah, maybe I'll direct it. I'll get an email, detectivelaurenkilby.com at gmail.com. No. lauren.kilby at detective.com. Detective at laurenkilby.com. Oh, no, it should be

detectivelaurenkilby at whoshatonthefloorMyWedding.com. Coming up this season on Who Shat On The Floor At My Wedding. When you posted a photo of a toilet on the 23rd of January 2018 with the caption, prepare yourself, the shit's about to hit. What did you mean? If your theory is correct, then that means that someone who is wearing a J-string did not commit the crime.

Did he look stressed, tense? Did he look like he was hiding anything? I don't think so, but what makes me think, though, because he was talking to absolutely everyone, so he actually spoke to the culprit at some point. So we have got a device that we will be using to extract the truth from our victims. You mean a lie detector test?

It's a lie detector test. My question regarding if you shat on the forum vote is a lie. You answered no and it's telling me that's a lie. This is a real fucking twist. How many weddings have you been to where there has been a shit found on the floor? What did you eat for breakfast on the morning of the wedding? How many times did you use the bathroom that night?

Have you ever kissed someone in this room? What are your key personality traits? Would any form of torture help that memory come back to you? You're putting me in a position now where my line of questioning is completely off. What is real? Does your mom know you're doing this podcast?