Who Shat On The Floor At My Wedding? And Other Crimes - S1 E10 Who shat on the floor at my wedding? 'Size of a small fist'

Episode Date: January 29, 2021

A brand new witness comes forward with some alarming new information. In light of this new worrying lead, the team seeks the expertise of someone with very high security clearance.  Is Detective Lauren Kilby investigating the right crime or was there something even more criminal that occurred during Helen and Karen’s wedding? Is this crime even a crime? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Previously on Who Shat on the Floor at My Wedding It's like, I mean, when you build a brand, you know, it takes millions and millions of euros to build a good, solid brand. And if you equate our wedding to a good quality brand, because we, you know, we invested quite heavily in that day. And it was part of us. It was Helen and Karen, the brand. It's tarnished our image, if you really look at it. If we're going to go down the legal route, I mean, you know, yeah, maybe we do want compensation out of this. Most girls were like, oh, there's poop. And I was like, I'm not really fazed by stuff like that.

So I just said, OK, I'll clean it up then. The woman that you were with, the six to seven woman, can you remember who they were? Not really. Do you remember who they were? Not really. Breaking news! Brand new witness comes forward in a case that has been named by at least three people the most important criminal investigation of our time. Who shat on the floor at my wedding?

Michelle joins other fellow witnesses, Henk, Emma, Nicolette, Kelly and Karen. Interestingly, prior to Michelle coming forward, if one was to take the first letters of the witnesses, Henk, Emma, Nicolette, Kelly and Karen, it would spell Henk. Now, with the fresh new witness, Michelle, it spells Henk. This is irrelevant information.

We will now cross live to the interrogation of Michelle where Helen and Karen confront her as to why she did not come forward earlier. There's something that doesn't sit right with me, with you on and um i just the fact that it took us a long time michelle if you'd look at me please i like oh yeah eye contact makes me feel a bit more comfortable that i'm okay you're engaged all right uh you're a key witness am i are you

a key witness i don't know did you say you've got an important role am i she is i are you a key witness i don't know you tell me detective am i she is i have you you saw a crime you saw the effect i didn't see the crime i saw the remainder you saw the aftermath you're a credible eyewitness i like to call them okay yeah right yeah look at you with the lingo done a research isn't she do you were you aware that we were doing this podcast uh yeah i've been informed yeah you had been informed so where did you did you receive any emails i was waiting for you to call me up as a key witness i thought surely i'm on the list how did you receive an email about the podcast yes did you read the request for information yeah probably yeah and did you come forward no i specifically wrote to all guests and I said,

if you have any information about this crime, would you please, I did say please, Yeah, I think you did. email detectivelaurenkilby at who shats on the floor at mywedding.com. Don't record the request for information. It's convenient. Sorry. We nearly finished recording before you finally stepped forward

as a key witness. It is slightly weird. Is it an attention-seeking thing? Maybe. Yeah. So you wanted to wait until we'd recorded all the episodes, then we had to make a full episode about you? No.

No, that wouldn't be it. Oh. I think I just needed to, you know, spend a bit of time thinking about it first. Michelle, talk me through exactly what happened when you discovered the faecal matter. You were there. Wait, I wasn't there. Hank was there.

Hank, Hank, Hank. Hank. Hank. A couple of other people. Emma, you were not there. I was not there. I definitely did not see it. And I can't remember who else was there.

Could it be Nicolette? Possibly. Lady Witness. and I can't remember who else was there could it be Nicolette possibly but I can't recall but there was already a discussion taking place and I appeared to go to the bathroom and there it was and it was there on the tiles up front and center was he cleaning it at this point no we the discussion was taking place about what the fuck it was doing there and what it was and whose it was and then we went to who the hell was going to pick it up because it wasn't going to be me

So you went to a cubicle to actually use the bathroom the reason you're down there I was going to, I didn't get that far because there's a great big shit in the middle of the floor I think it's time for the floor plan Yeah, we need to see where you can mark it. What's the name of the game, Lauren? Pen the towel on the crime scene.

So we've just handed Michelle a floor plan and she's looking at it, very pensive. She's recounting her memories of it and the pen is poised. So I came down, turned the corner to walk through the door. There was a group of people standing here. Was the door already open then?

Yes. I stood here to walk through to go into the loo and poo was right in the middle there. What? We thought that it was in the toilet. There was a hypothesis that it was actually in the loom. Cubicle. In the cubicle itself at the end.

No, definitely not. And then as we've progressed, I think, and this is actually, this is progression in the case, I would say. It's migrating further east. Yes, the poo is migrating further east. We have documented the status of the faecal matter and how it has shifted with each witness statement moving further east throughout the investigation.

You can see this piece of evidence on our Instagram page, Who Shat on the Floor at My Wedding. It was in the middle of the floor because I came downstairs, turned, didn't go into the loos because I saw it and I saw the people and I was like, oh, what's that on the floor? It's a turd. In front of the sinks, mirrors, boom, right, like centre. Whoever left it, I think, was like, yes. Michelle, do you remember the consistency, shape or colour or smell or texture or heat of the poo? Consistency.

It was a turd. One piece, semi-solid, quite whippy, medium consistency, mid-colour brown. Mid-colour brown. Not orange. No, definitely not orange. Not dark brown. Tan. No, like tan, yet like tan leather.

The size of a small fist. Jesus Christ, the fist of a what? Like, that's big. The fist of a newborn baby or the fist of a giant? No, bigger, bigger. It was like an adult poo. Like a 10 centimetre in diameter by the looks of what you're creating with your fist. But like flatter and like this kind of thing.

That's what Henk said as well, between 7 and 12 centimetres. Yeah. So would you say it resembled a comedy kind of joke shop turd or more just like a solid log? Not dissimilar to the joke shop turds I have seen, but more real. It was softer. Remember how still it was and the moonlight and the water

and then Ralph saw that kind of submarine thing. Really? Did he not tell you about that? No. We were, you know, enjoying the view and the serenity and the quiet and the stillness and the party and he went, look at that! And this, one of those things, you know, enjoying the view and the serenity and the quiet and the stillness and the party.

And he went, look at that. And this, one of those things, you know, view things, popped up out of the water and was like, boom, boom, boom. Periscope. Yeah, that's the word. Periscope. I don't suppose a submarine periscope. At the wedding?

Yeah. I'm just wondering. I am not bullshitting. I am not bullshitting you. He will confirm. I'm just wondering if there was, you didn't take any LSD or anything like that, did you? Any other hallucinogens? Is that a submarine? Is that a submarine?

Is that a submarine? Nope. Okay, Michelle, we just need to backtrack because this is very new information and I've just got the words lead, lead, lead flashing in front of my eyes. Are you suggesting that someone could have come aboard from a submarine? While someone is watching, that's what I know. Michelle, go upstairs and get your boyfriend Ralph immediately.

This is a really big potential lead. Could you just explain what you saw on the night of our wedding, Ralph? potential lead could you just explain what you saw on the night of our wedding Ralph we were on our way back on the boat uh back towards central station and it was it was getting pretty dark not quite full-on dark but pretty dark and I was just gazing out over the water. And then I just saw this black shape towards the aft side of the boat. Going towards Central Station also. And I was straining to see it. And it was definitely there. So much so that I asked Michelle to come over and have a look.

And she also saw it. Or at least she said that she also saw it if you don't mind me asking ralph did you take any lsd or other hallucinogens i was gonna say did you take any photos no i do remember it very well because i was saying to michelle i need to get back to central station quite quickly. And we agreed that I would get off the boat at that point because we'd left the kids locked in the house for several hours. Can we just say that the kids are chihuahuas,

not actual children before child protection services come knocking at the door? So Ralph, this was just before you got off the boat that you saw this suspicious object in the water? About 15-20 minutes before we moored up at Central Station. So at 9.15 and could you just describe again what you saw? It was almost like a mini submarine type shape. How big is mini? About as big as two minis. There was a stick sticking up in the air, there was no lights, which is why we were straining to see it. But yeah, there was definitely something

that looked like a periscope. And you couldn't see any people. All you could see was the smooth back of what looked like a mini submarine. But Ralph, what do you think that suspicious item was doing there? That evening, when we discussed it later on in the evening, there that evening when we discussed it later on in the evening um we decided that it was obviously drug smugglers

using a um a ship that um it has a wedding party on board as cover. Cover? Because they were alongside the ship, you see. For ages? For quite some time, yeah. How long are we talking? At least five minutes. I'm just wondering why, if you were a drug dealer or courier or transport-type logistics fellow, why would you be doing pick-up and drop-offs outside Central Station?

Why would you not do it way up on the Nordsee Canal, like near where it joins, you know, like the sea or Harlem or wherever? But we just need to know if they had a docking station for mini submarines. Not on our boat, not on that wedding day. There was nobody that came on board via submarine in order to take a shit on the floor. Helen, this is an investigation. How can you be so sure?

investigation, how can you be so sure? The thing is, we cannot be sure at all until we, including Ralph, speak to a submarine expert. Preferably someone who's spent 20 years in the Navy as a principal warfare officer.

That could work. Hello? Hi, is that the submarine expert? It is, yes. This is Detective Lauren Kilby speaking. I know you've been waiting for a call from us. I was, yes, and intrigued to be finally speaking to you. So I'm the submarine expert.

experts, brought on board to try and explain what might have been happening with potential submarine sighting. Spent 20 years in the Navy as a principal warfare officer, acting as the conductor of an orchestra of well-honed and highly trained seamen, ready to fight and defeat enemies in all environments, in the air, on the land and under the water. Ralph, talk us through your witness statement of exactly what you saw regarding the supposed submarine. Number one, it was definitely a submarine submarine i'm not making it up i kept staring at it and then i realized it wasn't going very fast and i thought oh i'm going to get a better look of it because the boat was going faster than the

submarine and then um it just it just went down it just just lowered itself like a submarine does, you know, not straight down, but gradually went down under the water until just the pipe was sticking out. But then I lost sight of it because, you know, it was really getting rapidly dark. I needed to go anyway because I was thinking I had to get off the boat quite soon and that was it really there were a couple of things that immediately spring to mind Ralph um well done for recognizing as a submarine um were there any lights on said submarine no you could see not none whatsoever that which is why it was so difficult to keep my eyes on it and yeah that's interesting that there were no lights on it because clearly if it was moving, it should have had lights on it. Also interesting that it submerged as you approached it. It's extraordinary because looking at the Google image that Karen sent, it's not a particularly big patch of water and it won't be particularly deep.

So not ideal hydrographic conditions for or for a submarine to be operating i can i'm pretty sure that it wasn't very big um it was it was quite small uh because i could sort of gauge roughly how big it was because of the the the lapping of the water around it around the turret bit how big do you think the fin was about two meters high yeah and about a meter and a half um width yeah that is pretty small but then that would that would tally with it needing to be a small submarine to have been there in the first place and there weren't any other boats in the vicinity that might perhaps have been towing it no absolutely not it was just us um and this this sub to the left side of us

do you think the skipper of your boat saw it or not no i also checked with the boat captain um and he said they don't have sonar on the on the party boat and they didn't they weren't aware of any submarine that they passed how far away do you think it was when it was at its closest to you i would say 30 40 meters away yeah that's pretty close that's enough ralph you've had your moment you can leave the call now please wow what's your first reaction to that witness statement well one of surprise that there should be seemingly a mini submarine that's close in to central amsterdam the dutch navy has submarines but they are bigger than Ralph described.

And with no lights on and some potentially unusual behavior in terms of submerging as the party boat approach, that's interesting. Could have made our wedding a little bit more interesting if we had a collision with a mini submarine. Yeah, I was going to say, the shit on the floor would have been the least of your problems and what would the process be if i was on that dodgy submarine with no lights on and um i wanted to get out what is the process for getting out of a submarine and how long would it take so i think the first thing to know is that you wouldn't do it moving because by definition to get out, you've got to open a hatch. And that's the last thing you want is water to start going down that hatch and flooding the submarine. You'd be stationary. There would also be more of the submarine visible above the water. So not just the fin, but actually a significant part of the hull itself.

Are there any submarines in the world where you could crawl out that top bit? Oh, yes. Yeah, you can get out the top onto the top of the fin, but it's then pretty tricky to get off the fin into the water. It's quite a long drop just dive in well yeah you but you're then in danger of um hitting the rest of the submarine on your way down you wouldn't last very long if you were a submarine operative detective that would be uh charles darwin at its best if you had to dive off a submarine there is another option which is well calling this far-fetched puts everything else um in perspective i suppose but if the submarine had

torpedo tubes um which effectively get like big pipes that point out of the front it is sometimes possible a la james bond i think it was probably um never say never again to put a diver in one of those tubes from inside the submarine flood it and then open the outer the outer door and you swim out yes but again again you wouldn't do that while you were moving forward very quickly. Well, you might not do that if you were moving forward very quickly. But, I mean, I know you're very experienced and you are our submarine expert. But, you know, have you been in a submarine where a crime took place 40 metres beside it whereby someone shat on the floor at a

wedding have you been in that situation before i can't recall that i have no so actually when we look at the situation it is quite feasible to think that we could use one of those torpedo shoots to expel a diver who would then swim onto the boat, walk down the stairs and shit on the floor. Yeah, we've taken quite a few leaps of faith in that, which I think are worth exploring. Let's assume that he's made, or she has made it out of the torpedo tube safely. They would need to be dressed. What time of year was this? Summer, yeah?

Yeah. Okay, so the water might not have been too cold oh i'll tell you about that quickly actually there'd just been a heat wave um prior to the wedding so the diver is all good they do at least need some kind of breathing apparatus uh to to sustain them while they exit the submarine and then make it from the submarine to the party boat. Now, let's not forget that both of these vessels are moving. Even swimming 40 metres towards something stationary would be a reasonable challenge at night. Not impossible. No, not impossible. But this is all adding up to a lot of effort to leave a dirty protester on the floor.

Any other boats where there is a docking station for a submarine underneath the boat with a sort of airlock for easy entrance onto the boat? Because this party boat was designed very recently for specific party reasons and party events. party events and i just wonder whether you know amsterdam is the capital for certain dodgy exchanges um whether there was a little submarine airlock or entrance underneath the boat feasible certainly and that's some pretty sophisticated technology as well and i would question whether it would whether you would want the mothership to be the party boat surely if if your line of work is involves potentially illegal transfers of um of various things then you wouldn't really want to be attracting too much attention to it i mean i'd use the party boat if i was going to elicit some sort of drug deal i would certainly use the the party boat for it and plus then you've got people

to sell to immediately but yeah this does feel But yeah, the more we're talking about this, it does feel more and more far-fetched, which seems to be the common theme in this podcast. But if I was to ask you, if you were a submarine detective, what would you say was happening in that submarine that Ralph saw? If it were a standard or a more conventional sort of movement of a vessel coming in and out of a port, you'd think that there would be maybe a pilot boat with it

or a tug to help it manoeuvre. It might even have a police escort if it was, I mean, lots of military movements in ports now have sort of security, as it were. So none of that. And again, I mean, this is, what time was this? This must have been fairly late in the evening, I guess. It was actually only about 9.15.

Do you know how the timing of this sighting ties into the discovery of the dirty protest? The crime occurred between 9.45 and 10.45 at night because we know that it happened just after the boat docked to let off the tired and mature guests. But we can't narrow down the window of time, so it's around an hour. The window of the crime is around an hour the window of the crime is around an hour long starting just after the drop-off now that's interesting because if somebody had emerged from the submarine and got on board they wouldn't have had time it seems to

achieve their aim unless they didn't make it back to the submarine and the submarine just dropped them off through the torpedo thing. Now, there's an enticing possibility, isn't it? Did more people get off than got on the boat by one? And were any of the people who got off wearing some black neoprene a face mask and a snorkel all i'm gonna say are some very dodgy outfits from the people that got on and off that boat and did someone get off wearing who had really wet hair and was dripping everywhere or with flippers and a snorkel yeah i mean the the party planner was in charge of this particular drop off point.

So she wouldn't have known, she wouldn't be looking out for sort of a member of submarine who was a little bit wet around the gills, sort of slipping off the boat. To be more interested in making sure the people that were coming onto the boat were people that were on the list rather than people that got off the boat. Can we speak to this party planner, do you think? We can do, yes. Yeah, I want to talk to her about this moment in time. We also need to check with her if any animals got on at that point as well. So we need her to confirm if she witnessed someone wet get off and an animal get on. There were a lot of animals on that boat that night.

Can you say with 100 certainty that something dodgy is going on in that submarine from the descriptions i've had uh so far today then yes 100 this is dodgy activity i don't know if you're aware but i I did actually get in touch with the police, the local city council, and also the Ministry of Defence in the Netherlands. I filed a Freedom of Information Act request to understand if there were any subaqueous vessels known to these authorities, you know, in this location at the time of our wedding.

And they have all come back saying, no, we're not aware of any of this activity. If you were at the wedding and you noticed a submarine like that, knowing what submarines are all about and understanding them, would you report that submarine sighting to the submarine police or whatever they're called? That's an interesting point. I don't think I'd do anything official, no. I think the answer to that is probably no. No, that's fine. We're just having a little bit of a freak out at the moment about all these kind of leads that are transpiring and it's just becoming more and more. It's just getting bigger than her, basically.

Yeah, it's really escalating and sometimes it's getting a little bit beyond my knowledge and my experience as a detective, which is zero. We've come across things like bestiality, like what do I do with that, you know? I was just wondering because, yeah, we're just freaking out because there are more criminal elements getting attached to this crime every day. And I'm just wondering if I needed to report the submarine to the real police. But it sounds like you as a submarine expert are telling me not to do that. So that's fine. I won't do it.

This crime is becoming more and more criminal by the minute. I'm not going to report the submarine sighting, but I do not like that it was spotted just before the window of the crime. Could we be involved in some kind of organised crime involving drugs and faeces? There's a lot of questions I have. And there's some other questions that have been coming up quite a lot over the past few episodes. Is who shat on the floor at my wedding a real crime? And my favourite one, how long would the perpetrator go to jail for?

It's time to bring in a specialist who can answer these questions for us. A person who is reliable, who can protect us. Meet Sam, our personal criminal lawyer. Hi there, my name is Sam Holden and I'm a criminal lawyer. And I've worked for over 10 years in some of the largest law firms in New Zealand, the UK and the Netherlands. So I know a thing or two about bringing criminals to justice. Brilliant. And can you just sum up some of the highlights of your career to date? Yeah, sure. Have you heard of a show called The Voice of Holland?

Yeah, so it's just a little old number one show in the Netherlands. So I was actually, it's like a singing show. I was a participant in season three in 2012. You might remember that one, one of the good ones. Yeah, so if I had to guess, I'd say I was probably in episodes 4, 7, 12 and 18, and episode 4 of the sister series, The Voice Real Life. That'd probably be one of the highlights. A few people have been questioning me, specifically as the detective,

on whether or not this is actually a crime, and we don't know. So, is it a crime, and we don't know. So is it a crime? When you messaged me about that, I went through the law books to see whether this act actually is a crime. And four potential candidates emerged. Should I run you through those now? Yes, please. Okay, so the first crime that I looked at called the distribution or exhibition of

decent matter and everyone is liable to imprisonment term not exceeding two years who without lawful justification or excuse exhibits in a public place any indecent model or object. And I thought, okay, well, maybe that offence has been committed here, but then I realised, no, this is on a private boat. Is that correct? Yes, that is correct. Yeah, so not a public place. So I think we can rule out that one.

Okay. No distribution or exhibition of indecent matter. The second one is the crime of intentional damage. Yeah, that's it. So was there any damage to property by this shit? Not damage to property, Detective. I mean, you did a very thorough smell test. You got her nose extremely close to the ground to sort of investigate the sensory, you know, aftermath of the crime.

And the floor was completely intact. You didn't detect anything from the nasal assessment, did you? So, I mean, I would say that there wasn't any kind of long-term damage done to the floor, but I know that the cleaners had a hard time with that boat after the wedding. If there's no long-term damage to the property, then I don't think, I think we could rule out intentional damage as a crime. intentional damage as a crime. I personally feel that you know we work in in advertising and you know there's a there's a lot of money that goes into building a brand and when you my wife and I as a brand and you know our wedding was very much an extension of this is welcome to the brand of Helen

and Karen the launch, if you will. You know, we invested a lot of money in this wedding. And I think, you know, we had, I had certainly, I had two former bosses there. I had potential employers. And for me, I think it's damaged our image. And in a way that I'm like, will this affect my future employment?

Am I entitled to compensation for this loss of potential income and damage to our overall image? Yeah, so you're saying someone's intentionally damaged the property of your marital brand? Yes, exactly. Yeah, okay, so that's a possibility. Sorry, Sam, how long can that person go to jail for? 10 years. Wow.

Okay, that's the one, I think. 10 years in jail for that one. Yeah, that's perfect. Yeah. So I think what we've got here is a case of intentional damage to property, that property being your reputation. We would prosecute against that crime. So it is a crime? So the answer is it is a crime and if you find

this perpetrator, they're looking at up to 10 years in prison. And is that, do we need to send them to New Zealand to be sanctioned or will you do that, can we do that in the Netherlands? Is that 10 years in the Netherlands? Where will they get the longest jail sentence? That is the place we will send them. Yeah. So just as, I mean, as a matter of practice, usually countries around the world

don't send their convicts to New Zealand to be sentenced. So usually they just sentence them at the place where the crime was committed. So they'd probably just sentence them in the Netherlands, I think. Okay. So would you fly over then, would you be willing to fly over and represent us in court if it comes to that? Absolutely.

You need the best representation in this case, and I've tried many of these cases in my career. The detective wants to lock these criminals up for 10 years with probably no food or drink but I feel like there's a better way of teaching this. Teaching a lesson. Teaching a lesson. So as we as the plaintiffs, if you're defending us, not defending us, attacking for us, can we decide what we want the punishment to be? So good question. So there are two different types of cases that you could bring. One is a criminal case and there you are kind of prosecuting them and you're asking the court to grant some sort of a jail sentence or some sort of reduced

rehabilitation or something like that which you obviously won't do or there's a a civil claim where you're asking them to pay you money are those the sorts of things that you you'd be looking for i had more in my head that um every monday uh at 10 and the pooper traitor would come to our house and be made to clean our toilets. Okay. Yeah, definitely. To answer your question, I've never heard of that

before, but there's a rule that us lawyers usually live by and that can't hurt to ask. It might have more of an impact in preventing this kind of crime to happen again if we make them actually literally clean up their act. Yeah. Oh, absolutely.

I mean, I think sending them to jail for 10 years may not actually put them off doing this again, but getting them to clean a toilet every once in a while will definitely have that sort of deterrent effect. As the kind of lead detective on the case, my recommendation would be to send them to jail rather than to have your own kind of customised sentencing, which, as Sam just mentioned, isn't really a thing that has been done before.

And so I'd like to just kind of, I mean, I'm putting all my hours into this case. If I do find who did it, I would like them to be sentenced accordingly and not for you to be customising that, Karen. I mean, I hear you. I totally hear where you're coming from. I think we should probably take this conversation offline. And I personally think we can find the middle ground of

some prison time, some psychotic sentencing where they will be taught a lesson. This is an official message to the person who committed this crime. It's time for you to come forward and to face the reality of what

you have created. Look at what you've done to Karen. Could you genuinely, I know we've all gone like joking about this. I'm actually getting serious for a moment. Can you imagine if it was intentional? We actually know someone that we invited to our special date. I thought it was funny to a point, but I think that's when you deal with shock, you know, and you're just like compartmentalizing it. Ha ha ha, it's funny.

funny to a point but I think that's when you deal with shock you know and you're just like compartmentalizing it but the more I'm just like putting time and energy into this it's actually really it's messed up and it's really offensive look at what you've done to Helen if you if the perpetrator is at home now listening to this look at what you've done and look at what you've done to me I'm proud of you. This is an incredible achievement. If you come forward now, I'm going to praise you. I'm going to congratulate you. I'm going to give you an award.

Without you, there would be no podcast, no crime. However, now that there is a crime, if I don't solve it, then I've embarrassed myself. I've embarrassed other detectives all around the world. So please, come forward now. If you do, I'm willing to negotiate your psychological torture and jail time. Please. I promise, it will all be okay.

Coming up next on Who's Chatting the Floor at My Wedding. What's happening? I'm out.