Who Shat On The Floor At My Wedding? And Other Crimes - S1 E11 Who shat on the floor at my wedding? 'Bad cop'

Episode Date: February 5, 2021

Feeling like she was too lenient on Henk in Episode 6, Detective Lauren Kilby decides it’s time for BAD COP to come out. The man who was in the ladies bathroom for 4 hours is dragged back into the interrogation chambers for a second grilling, and it’s not pretty. Having run out of other options, the team starts to explore the idea of torture as a means to get a confession. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This episode contains some very explicit content in adult themes. The main theme being adults who think it's okay to shit on the floor at weddings. Previously on Who Shat on the Floor at My Wedding. What I'm interested in is actually going back to your interview techniques. Are you going to be more of a good cop, a bad cop, or both? Yeah, that's a very, very good question. It's obviously problematic considering I am acting on, you know, my own here. I don't have a partner.

So I'm going to have to be both the good cop and the bad cop. Do you think you could give us a little sample of what the good cop versus bad cop voice would be? So, Kira, it seemed like you had a really nice time at the wedding. Did you enjoy yourself? Why is it high-pitched? It feels like you've just inhaled some helium. And then I'm going to just flip. Yeah, you little bitch.

Did you like the wedding or did you not like the fucking wedding? Yeah, perfect. Welcome to episode 11 of Who Shat on the Floor at My Wedding. This episode is called... Bad Cop. Why is this episode called Bad Cop? Well, because I'm about to become a bad cop. Who are you going to be a bad cop to?

Who do you think? Henk. I know that Henk is hiding something. And today, I'm going to get it out of him. Karen has tricked him into coming back in for questioning. I said, good morning, happy Tuesday. We think we need to get you back in our living room for one last short piece of questioning. And he went, oh boy, ha ha, sure.

I'll be there, temporary hammock and all. And then I sent lots of fun emojis going, it will be a good one, can't wait. And then he says, I'm scared, ha ha. I feel the iron claw of interrogation tighten its grip. Before we interrogate the shit out of Henk, we're actually going to speak to Kelly, his partner, a.k.a. Henk's little bitch. It was me. I was Henk's little bitch. She was responsible for bringing Henk food and drinks throughout the wedding into the ladies' bathroom.

I just need to quickly check why she's in love with someone who enjoys cleaning up faeces. Then we're going to have a chat to our criminal lawyer, Sam, just to get some advice on torture and other techniques. And then after that, it's time. It's time to

bring back Henk so I can unleash the bad cop in a slightly unconventional interrogation which may or may not involve torture. So yeah, what do we hope to achieve today? First things first, we always hope to achieve a confession. That's the number one thing.

Whether that's true or not, I don't care. But I think in Kelly's case, I think, I mean, it's very weird that her partner was the one who scooped up the faeces and her partner was the one who stood in the ladies' bathroom for at least four hours. So she needs to shed some

light on that. Are Henk and Kelly married? No, but they've been together for quite a while. Long time. Yeah, ages. Do you think they might get married? Probably not after what they experienced at our wedding. Okay, guys. I'm really feeling in the mood for a bit of torture today. Are you going to slap her about a bit?

I might torture her. Yeah. I'm feeling it. I'm just feeling like a bit of, I don't know, razzing her up, hurting her. What form of torture? What have we got? I've got the hammer and the uh the chisel out

here just in case yeah so i could remove a finger um i suppose i could waterboard her but that just seems so obvious why don't you just clip her fingernails just a little bit too close to the uh bed you know that really hurts when you just like you know not not pulling off a fingernail yeah i mean what's your definition i mean of torture well my definition would be a thousand paper cuts actually hello my name is Kelly Bowen I'm an American living in Amsterdam and I was at the wedding of Helen and Karen who I've known for a while but they've become very close friends of mine in the last I would say year, year and a half, two years. And I'm the girlfriend of Hank, the accused, but I know that he didn't do it. Well, I'll be the judge of that. Thanks, Kelly.

Tell us what happened on the boat. It was literally the second best wedding I've ever been to, my sisters being the first. Do you remember what happened when you first laid eyes on the subject? Do you know what? I think I even just went, ew, and kept talking. But I remember that suddenly I think Hank was like, that's not cool. Let's pick it up. That's so nice.

So I think someone, we made fun of him, like, okay, you do it. And he's like, sure. Okay. But I do remember that he had to get, he got copious amounts of paper towels because when he picked it up, it was like smeared a bit into the ground and he had to scrape it up. So he wanted to use the paper towels under his nails to really scratch it off the ground. And so he didn't want to risk it going under his nails, so he doubled, he tripled up on the thick paper towel and did the business. He did the deed.

I do remember what it looked like quite vividly, which is weird. Tell us. It was like a turd about yay long. I'm an inches girl from America, so I would say like three inches. And it was of orangish colour. Orangey? Potential causes of orange faeces are oranges, mandarins, Fanta, carrots, vegan food. Yes, Kelly is a vegan.

Also, for someone who says they're known for having a pretty terrible memory, Kelly seems to remember some very specific details about this turd. Seems a bit dodgy, if you ask me. Karen went and she looked through all of the photographic evidence to see where everybody was, because we have this theory that Hank was in the bathroom for anywhere between four and six hours. There's no visual evidence of your boyfriend whatsoever being on the top deck from nine o'clock onwards.

Thus indicating that he was in fact in the bathroom for at least four hours in total. Because he's also very easy to spot in wide angle photography because he was wearing a red shirt. That's true. And he didn't bring anything else with him because he said he was a bit concerned that he didn't bring a coat with him and that it was actually a little bit colder than he thought so uh however we are known to have little chit chats on the side always so we could have been hidden into a little nook that you wouldn't have seen us we're not very and I tend to run away from a camera believe it or not I take pictures I don't necessarily like to be in them so if there was a photographer I wouldn't have been like Kelly but what did you do as a job before yeah what was your previous profession well I mean I didn't enjoy it I mean I just did it the money was good what did you do

well I used to model a long time ago but hang on a second so you're a model and you're saying that there's a plausible reason for you and Henk not to have been featured in any of our wedding photographers' photos around the time of the crime because you're camera shy and you go to great lengths to avoid cameras, even though you're a former model and arguably models tend to be quite comfortable in front of cameras how long do you think henk was in the bathroom for well he was in there a couple times i think one or two times a couple of times four hours at a time edge like however whenever anyone he knew was in there he would stay and then like say Nicolette in that picture would walk out and then

Karen would walk in he would stay for that he couldn't get he he went there for for the ladies he loves them he's gonna chit chat to them if they're down on the toilet no but there was also one suggestion which was that basically who would pick up somebody else's shit right we do know who would do that and then there was some sort of, you know, just chatting around and trying to work out what's what, and then there was a suggestion that he would pick up his own shit, and he would probably pick up your shit. I think he probably picked up the shit

because he was also paying his dues for being allowed in the female bathroom for so long because some people were coming in, oh, is this not the ladies' room? There were a few snide remarks. So I think he was doing it as payment. That is ridiculous. No, but let's just talk about your relationship with Henk

just to kind of clear this thought up. So tell us how you met. How long ago was it? 16 years ago wow that's a long long time oh god you're setting me up I can tell already I'm not

I'm just interested in your the love you have for this man 16 years wow that's a lot of years to build a very strong bond with someone that's amazing

congratulations are there any themes of conversation that you particularly love talking about with hank um we also like talking about poo i must say we we talk about that um now we talk about everything. We've noticed that you talk about poo quite a lot. You've left a few, let's say, traces in your conversational history, which we just find interesting. Yeah, it's just, you know, as a detective, you're always looking for potential, you know, background people that might explain why someone does something.

you know, background people that might explain why someone does something. And in your case, your partner, Henk, likes to post a lot about toilets. Oh, I see. Oh, yes, he does seem obsessed by bathrooms, doesn't he? Toilets. Poo. Toilet paper. Poo.

Poo. Toilet paper. Poo. Poo drawings. And Kelly, what's funny is it's not just him posting it, a few people liking it. You seem to comment every time. For example, Henk has posted a photo of a bathroom. Prepare yourself, the shit's about to hit. And you write, where is this? As in, I need to get there immediately.

20th of June 2014, Henk posts a photo of your blender at home. I never noticed we had a special function for poop on our blender. You comment. I'll show you the photo. It does look dangerously bad. Right, I see. It does look like a poo, doesn't it? I see, yes it does. If you look for poo... Right, I see. It does look like a poo, doesn't it? I see, yes, it does. If you look for poo in everything, you'll find it.

You're right. Perfect. I've never in 16 years seen Hank embarrassed. Never. It's not an emotion that he feels. He'll go up on stage in front of a million people. He'll grab a microphone. It's just not in his DNA to be embarrassed about something like that.

Maybe that's why he's also like, fuck it, I'll pick it up. Yeah. Whereas Emma, for example, wouldn't want to be seen anywhere near it. Oh, fuck that. You know, Hank will just reach for it. Did you or did you not shit on the floor in the middle of the ladies' bathroom on our wedding day? I did not shit on the floor. Now let's get some torture-related legal advice

from our trusted criminal lawyer, Sam Holden. Sam, I'm feeling a little bit nervous because our next interrogation is what I've been calling and what others have been calling the big one. And that is with the man who was found cleaning up the faecal matter who actually spent four hours of the wedding in the lady's bathroom. What are your thoughts on torture and bribery? Well, what sort of torture did you have in mind? Well, what sort of torture will result in the least amount

of consequences for us? I mean, we want maximum effectiveness on the suspect, so we really want them to feel under pressure, but we don't want to be up for know, up for any sentencing ourselves, if you know what I mean. Well, I mean, my initial thought was waterboarding, but that could actually have some quite significant consequences. Yes.

Look, I think you're going to need to use some unconventional methods that aren't sort of technically torture, but are likely to extract a confession, like, for example, repeating everything someone says back to them. Oh, so you mean like kind of really annoy them to the point where they're just willing to say, I did it just to get out of the interrogation? Oh, so you're saying just really annoy them to the point of they say, I did it just to get out of the interrogation. Oh, so you're saying just really annoy them to the point of they say I did it just to get out of the interrogation.

Yeah, I can see how that would work. Have you got any other ones? Any other ideas? Yes. Yeah, yeah. Or another good one is inverting someone's computer screen at work. You know that trick where you can flip the screen so it goes upside down? It's a classic. It's one of my favourites. Yeah, yeah. But that

happens to you about 100 times and you'll confess. You're a very creative lawyer, which is nice. Well, I just do whatever it takes to get the conversion. That's really my MO. That's really my MO. That's my approach as well. So this is a perfect match. Is that your professional tagline, whatever it takes? Yeah.

No, I've got other. My professional tagline is the ends always justify the means. That's what I usually use if anyone's hitting me up about you know repeating comments back to them or these other forms of torture you know if a little bit of torture that solves the crime then it's worth it I also think if you know a wet willy when you um lick your finger and then put it in someone's ear oh yeah yeah that's always yeah that's a question yeah we Yeah, that's always... Yeah, that's a question. Yeah, we just throw that in. Just when we feel like he's about to blow, then, yeah, we'll just do that. Do that before the inverting of the computer screen, I think.

Is that the right order, is it? That's how I would do it. Yes. And then in terms of bribery, because, okay, so it seems like there are some forms of torture that wouldn't be necessarily considered torture that we could do kind of like micro psychological torture. So that's perfect.

We'll move on to that for our next interrogation. In terms of bribery, is there an amount of money where it becomes bribery? You know, like if I'm bribing someone and I use one cent to bribe them, is that, that can't be considered bribery. And, you know, just going back to that point, we've got an idea for one of our upcoming interrogations. Karen's got a spare bit of money laying around the house, 120 euros approximately. Surely use that.

It's not bribery because that's such a small amount of money. Can you talk me through how you would weaponise that 120 euros? How are we going to bribe them? So I was thinking, so money, 120 euros into an envelope, a slow slide across the table, very kind of subtle, but you know, end of the interrogation, if I don't get the confession, subtle slide across the table with kind of a wink, you know, would you like to change your story at this stage?

Into an envelope, they see the money and they confess. Yeah, yeah, that's a good that's a really good idea. Yeah, I think in answer to your question, any amount of money would be bribery. Now, if you said, hey, gave them a big wink, are you sure you don't want to change your story? And they opened up the envelope and there was one cent in the envelope. Yeah.

Surely that's not bribery. It can't be. That is definitely bribery. What about if it's one yen? The smallest currency, the smallest amount of money in the world that not even someone who doesn't have a cent to their name would care for.

That cannot be bribery. I'm not buying this really because then I'm like, let's equate that. Let's say it's a bag of sweets, shall we? A bag of penny sweets. And you slowly slide the bag of penny sweets over the table. What's a penny sweet?

They're sweets that used to cost one penny. Is that sweets made out of pennies? No, no, it's not money. It's sweets. Okay, God, these New Zealanders. Tic-tacs. Tic-tacs, yeah. I'm going to slide some Tic-tacs over the table.

Yeah. And you're like, is this going to change your mind? Yeah. Is that bribery? So if you're like, give them a wink and say, are you sure you don't want to confess and slide over the envelope? And then there are a few penny sweets.

Is that bribery? Is that your question? Yes. That's bribery. Okay, what if it's a bag of rubbish? It's just a bag of rubbish and you just accidentally kick it over to them whilst winking and it's rubbish day. It's around and it's pretty standard that it would be there.

And you say... Well, hold on. Now I think there's an important distinction to be made. So I think we've got two scenarios we're talking about. Scenario one is the one in which they're refusing to confess, and you, all of a sudden, your mood changes from rough interrogator to smooth operator, and you give them a wink and slide over an envelope and they open it up and inside's a sack of rubbish,

then that probably is bribery. But if you say, you know, you just happen to have a rubbish bag there and it's just available, then maybe not. If it's not clear that what you're doing is doing a trade confession for a bag of rubbish, then it's not bribery. Right. Okay, so that's the right approach then. So we just have a few bags of rubbish around for the next interrogation

close to their seat. Yeah. Yeah, I see. But I would recommend using money because it would probably be more effective than a bag of rubbish. But if you just, I now see you need to be a bit more subtle about it than sliding over the envelope.

I'd just say, you're clearly not going to confess. That's fine. I'll give you one more chance. Are you sure you don't want to confess? And don't worry about that old bag of money that's over. I'll give you one more chance. Are you sure you don't want to confess? And don't worry about that old bag of money that's over there sitting next to you. It's money. Dahan needs to take that to the bank and then wink.

That, then that. That'll get the job. Okay, so the wink, the placement of the wink is the most important part which determines whether or not it's a bribe and whether it's going to be effective or not. When you wink. That is the bribery act

1984 says that it's the wink, the placement of the wink that is what makes something bribery or not. And what if you're trying to wink but it becomes a blink? Yeah. So are you saying slide over the cash with the envelope

and then blank? By accident. By accident. Hey, are you sure you don't want to change your mind? Slide over some cash and then you blank. Yes. I think you just need to practice. No, that's not bribery. No, it's not bribery because there's been a wink. Right. Okay. So the two takeaways from this conversation, I think, are leave the wink to the end and have some plausible deniability about what the money's doing there.

Like, oh, it's money collection day. I need to take that to the bank. Or, blink. doing there, like, oh, it's money collection day, I need to take that to the bank, or, blink. Yes, okay. Well, I think that's really clear, and that's a very good approach. Yeah. Is there anything you'd like to say to the perpetrator of this crime, Sam? Yeah, I will.

You may get away with this, you may not, but someone is going to jail for 10 years. Shh, Karen, no. Yeah, yeah. can i just ask you guys what is going on why are we sitting in darkness why we sat in darkness why is there a hammer and a drill and scissors and yeah and pictures of henk and his girlfriend around my lounge first of all we're not sitting in total darkness. There's a tea light on the coffee table. I don't know. You guys, you're left alone for too long and shit gets out of hand.

It's perfectly legal what we're doing. I mean... What are you doing though? When I say legal, I mean our lawyer says it's legal. But I think we need to take a step back even further. Yeah, what have you been doing? You guys have been running wild. We decided that Hank's interview interrogation is the most important one.

He's our biggest suspect. I thought we already sort of got to the conclusion that, of course, he was just a really sweet guy cleaning up shit. Helen, this is something that I need to talk to you about. Listening back to that last interrogation with Henk, one thing became very apparent. You are extremely defensive of Henk.

You're positive that he didn't do it. Oh, that white knight. So many times you say, I don't like how he's being framed. Yeah, and this is what I was worried about because now I'm looking at the lounge and how it's a little bit weird and terrifying. It's not the lounge anymore. This is the worried about, because now I'm looking at the lounge and how it's a little bit weird and terrifying. It's not the lounge anymore.

This is the interrogation chambers. Sorry, the interrogation chamber. And I'm like, what are you doing? Because this poor man, he cleaned up shit at our wedding. Like, I can't... Well, Helen, do you want us to solve the crime or not? Make that decision now. Yeah, but... Do you want me to be here right now?

Yeah, I do. But we need to find the right person. So last time we went in and we were good cop, right? And did we get anywhere? No. No. Were you good cop? Pretty good.

Pretty nice, yeah. Yeah, honestly, we listened back to the interrogation and we were very, very. Yeah, we were too nice. We didn't press him at all. I kind of tried to appeal to him a little bit. And just I wanted him to feel a little bit sorry for me. And now? Now the tables are going to turn, Helen.

Right. On Henk. That's it. I'm sick of his shit. Listening back, I think he manipulated the hell out of us. We left that interrogation chamber. You left in a very different way to Karen and I, where you were like, oh, he's such a nice man.

He wasn't that hero for cleaning up the shit, always defending the suspects, Helen. Karen and I felt that something was a little bit off. And that is why we're bringing him back in today to interrogate the shit out of him. And not a nice interrogation with normal lighting. A really dark, dark, dark interrogation. An intimidation interrogation session. May I just talk you through what I've prepared for you here today?

Go. interrogation session. May I just talk you through what I've prepared for you here today? Yeah, go. So I've been busy for the last hour and a half setting up the interrogation chambers. And if you want to see what I've prepared for Henk, you can check out the pictures in our episode 11 permanent stories on our Instagram page at Who Shat on the Floor at my wedding. Can we turn the lights up actually? Can we? No, I think let's keep it from getting us in the zone. so what we have um we've got a few tools and props here for detective we have a video camera a fake video camera um second shelf of the bookcase if you'd like to turn around there um next to that i've got three uh framed pictures um i've printed out pictures of hank and his girlfriend to freak him the fuck out

i've moved the whole all of the furniture around in our living room the sofa is now thrust against the wall and in its place we have a lone piano stool um so it's just a bit more um yeah putting him on the spot on a single stool i think it just gives uh the detective an upper hand and um the reason that stool's there which is the biggest change we're making to this interrogation putting him on the spot on a single stall. I think it just gives the detective an upper hand. And the reason that stall's there, which is the biggest change we're making to this interrogation, is that Helen and Karen, you guys, are not going to be in the room. It's just going to be me and Henk.

I, you know, guys, I'm not sure about this. Like, I think she needs an eye. I knew you wouldn't like that. She needs an eye on her. No, she doesn't. At all times. I knew you'd be angry about that. My concern primarily is the fact that you've got pliers, a hammer and a fucking drill that's actually plugged in.

And nail clippers and nail scissors. Oh, the drill's plugged in. Why is the drill plugged in, Karen? Yeah, exactly. Like, what are you guys up to? What about the nail clippers, Helen? Those could just, I could be giving him a manicure. Something wrong with that.

This is not... A harmless little manicure underneath your stool helen which is where hank will be sitting i have sellotaped an envelope oh yeah what's in the envelope don't take it out it's not for you it's not for you i just it's there though i verify that it's there yeah um that is the first of two envelopes and this is okay based on the conversation that we had with our criminal lawyer who suggested that it's not bribery if it's such a low amount if it's a low amount we say it's um oh and this is why i've written very clearly on the front of the envelope bank money it doesn't say bribery on the front it doesn't say official bribe yeah we were trained how to bribe someone without having any legal repercussions and the way you do it is oh ignore

that bank money on the table that's um it's bank collection day whilst blinking no blinking because blinking is not winking which would be more associated with bribery our lawyer has made the world a better place he's put a lot of criminals behind bars that if you didn't use a few unconventional methods, that would never have happened. The end always justifies the means. The end always justifies the means. Are you sure he's not actually under, like he's pretending that he's a lawyer? He's practicing law. No, he's a real lawyer. He's not like an international drug lord who's used to like removing teeth when things that go his way. No. In're evolving you're growing Helen

oh now you're being supportive you're you're evolving you're moving on you're working out what is your groove you know thank you Helen so you support this different approach to the interrogation chamber I see that you are evolving in your detective role yeah so thank you that i support as soon as hank presses the doorbell we're going to let him in he's going to see the forensic numbers placed up the stairs as he walks into the interrogation chambers he has to climb under the crime scene do not cross line yeah um which i think is just a good that's a metaphor that's a metaphor yeah that you're going to be struggling over many obstacles so i've actually created a little uh special soundscape um because i was chatting to a detective over here and we thought best plan would be uh bring henk in not say anything to him henk arrives and we just let

him sit down on the piano stool then we leave him for five minutes we go out of the room and we don't explain why we're not there. And we just say, sit there. Maybe we should take his phone so he can't get distracted. Definitely. So can I just play you a little bit of our soundscape? So imagine you're Henk. You've just arrived. You don't know what's going on.

And you sit down on piano stool, nothing to do, no phone to distract you and then this starts playing. It just starts with a casual ticking clock and the low hum of a fluorescent light bulb and then boom. Oh God, oh God. Yeah, like a little reminder of where he'll be going when he goes to jail. This could be Henk's last night of freedom. Oh this is my favourite one, listen to this one. 50cc I'd say. Is that you screaming? Is that you?

I can't go screaming, did you record this? No, I'm really feeling, I'm sweating. Is that you screaming? Is that you? Was that you screaming? Did you record this? No, I'm really feeling, I'm sweating. Yeah. I'm actually getting nervous. That's just put me on edge. Was that your intention? Yeah, just one last one and then we can move on.

I'm just quite proud of this one. She recorded. Oh. Oh God, no, this is, no. Oh Jesus. It's intimidation. You're intimidating. Yeah.

Is he scared of dogs? Okay, let me just stop you right there. So this is the second interview. It's not like you're going to be... It's not an interview, Helen. Okay, interrogation. Yes. In the chamber. Yeah.

It's not like you're going to... We're not going to have him back here every week or every day to grind him down, just to be clear. Whatever it takes. Yeah. What are you worried about? What's the worst that could happen? What's the best that could happen? And I'll tell you, we are you worried about? What's the worst that could happen? What's the best that could happen? I'll tell you. We get a fucking confession.

What's the worst that could happen? You lose a friend. You've got enough. It's hard. There's a lot of pressure on me. Talk to us. No, you don't care. How long should I do this for? Oh, so either we tell you to stop or you tell yourself to stop, right? What if I don't tell myself

to stop and it goes on for hours? Should we give him a safe word? Because it is quite scary in here. He's a grown man. He stands in the ladies' bathrooms for four hours. I think he can handle a bit of darkness. Oh, that's probably him. That's maybe him, yeah.

Quick, he's here. Go, go. Go, go, go. He's here. He's here. Shh, shh, shh. Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. Hello. Shh, shh, shh, shh.

He's here. He's here. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Hello, Hank. Oh, God. Can I please have your cell phone? That's beautiful.

Please pass me your cell phone. If you'd just like to take a seat in this chair over here. I'll be with you shortly. This one here? This one here. Oh boy. What's happening? I'm terrified. What's happening? Terrified ish

kind of. Oh shit. Oh shit. What the fuck? Oh shit, what the fuck? What the fuck is this? Fuck. Oh shit, I think they're on to me. I'm pretty sure they're on to me. Even though there's nothing to be on to, just so you know.

For those of you who listen. Motherfuckers. Oh boy. Do you love your girlfriend? I do, very much. What kind of love? I do, very much. What kind of love? I do, very much. Explain your love that you have for Kelly.

It's pretty straightforward. It's the kind of boyfriend-girlfriend love that started out as being in love and then became loving. 16 years. 17 almost, next month. 17 years, that's a long time. That's a very long time, yeah. What would happen if she was to just suddenly disappear? What would happen? What would happen?

Do you mean what would happen with me? Yes. I'd be sad. I'd be sad, yeah. I'd be sad too. Let's hope it doesn't have to come to that. I hope so too. I was listening back to our first discussion we had and assessing it from a detective point of view, from a detective point of view, from a human point of view.

And I don't think it went very well. It didn't? I thought it went amazing. I think that you were being a bit different than you are in real life. I think you were holding back some information. Can you hear those sirens? They're coming for you.

We've got 10 more minutes before you're taken to jail for this crime. Why? I haven't done anything. You're guilty. There are multiple witness statements. They will put you in the area where the crime was committed at the exact time. Of course I was cleaning it up.

Of course I'm in the area where the crime was committed i mean if you're cleaning up the dead body's blood then you are in the area where the crime was committed that doesn't necessarily mean you killed it chit chat what kind of topics were covered in the bathroom that night if i know did you discuss art culture science geography what did you talk about oh fuck i fuck. I don't know, man. No, I'm assuming partly will have been about the wedding, I'm assuming. Okay. That makes sense, but I really don't remember what we spoke about. It was a lot of banter.

I would say it was the random drunken banter that you can expect from people in the bathroom. So you were just conveniently around at the time where the crime was committed? At the time where somebody... I don't know. I don't know. When the crime was committed, we don't know. Or I don't know, at least. I mean, it's highly, highly, highly unlikely that with that amount of people,

that amount of foot traffic in that area, that the crime was committed a long time before it was discovered. Why did you feel the need to clean up Kelly's poo? It's my girlfriend. I wipe her butt for her. Wouldn't we all do that for someone we love? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, I think so.

No, I feel the need to clean up, because I know most people are grossed out and I'm so. Yeah, I think so. No, I feel the need to clean up because I know most people are grossed out and I'm not. No, you made that abundantly clear last time that you're indifferent to poo. Yeah, right? Conveniently indifferent. Yeah, I'm conveniently indifferent to a lot of disgusting things. Yes.

Yeah. How do you explain Kelly being around there at the scene of the crime? Because he was invited to the wedding, of course She said that you were together the majority of the night Because you like to hang out together in dark corners Can you verify that? We're saying that again? What? You like to hang around together

You like to hang out together Sometimes you're in dark corners She said that that was the reason You weren't in the photographer's images From the entire evening. I'm not. You're not. That is ridiculous.

Because you're below deck, Ken, can't you? You're in the bathroom. I am in the bathroom, yeah. For five hours. I am, yeah. No, not for five hours. No way. For five hours.

No, I wasn't there for five hours. Yes, you were. No way. So randomly you're just not there, but yet people see you. Do you have a twin? No, no, I yet people see you. Do you have a twin? No, no, I was there for sure. Do you have a body double? Not that I know of.

So how would you explain other people's witness statements saying that you were in the bathroom every time they went into the bathroom that night? Including Helen, the bride. I don't know if you remember Helen. Quote, unquote, every time I went in there, he was there. He being you. I think she's spicing up her story now. She's not spicing up. Trust me, she's the only person that's defending you right now.

But she has to be honest with the truth. The truth is that you were in the bathroom the entire evening. I wasn't. No, I wasn't. For sure, I wasn't. The images, the photos show that you weren't anywhere else in the boat. No, but they don't show me that I wasn't. For sure I wasn't. The images, the photos, show that you weren't anywhere else on the boat. No, but they don't show me that I'm there. They show me that I'm not somewhere else, but they don't show that I'm there.

That's the only place where there weren't any images taken, unless you were in the kitchen. No, that's also the men's bathroom. Which you claimed that you were never in. I mean... I mean, by the way, that's a lousy photographer, that he missed me. He should have been on this case. Because you look... I mean, I mean, by the way, that's a lousy photographer that he missed me. He should have been on this case. It's funny because you look... I mean, I'll send you

the package of photos. We ask for all the raw images, not just the selects from the day. And we went through every one and you do not feature in one single photo except for a photo booth image taken around 1am with Helen.

That's the only time you feature after dinner. Oh. 9.30 until 1am. You are nowhere to be seen here. We must check out Kelly's photos. Not only, but I was at the dinner table. Yes, during dinner you were there.

There you go. Yes, during dinner. I'm not saying you weren't there. The photographer didn't take any pictures during dinner? Yeah, of course they did. You're safe for dinner. Don't worry. Oh, okay.

I'm not saying you're in the toilet eating your dinner. There were fries and mayo. And as I've already told you, witness reports claim that you were seen eating those in the bathroom. So you couldn't even escape the bathroom for a small snack. You were devoted to that room. Okay, if we were about to turn this interrogation into a party, invited a load of people,

is this true? You would go straight to the bathroom and hang out there for the entire evening no probably in the kitchen but the kitchen is off limits because that's a professional kitchen that was that was rented so otherwise i would definitely be in the kitchen okay so you arrive at a wedding or a venue or a party or an event and you go right go check out the kitchen perfect good size accessible i'll go there. If not, toilet. Ladies' toilet. Well, toilet would be the most logical place to take a shit, right?

Not like a dance floor or a lounge or a dining room, not those places. Would they not be more logical than a toilet? Let me see. Is that more logical? No, not necessarily because I'm very specific in the music that I like, so it's very likely that I'm not to be

found on the dance floor kitchen is off limits because it was a professional

kitchen so you're saying that that wedding venue was so shocking that the only place

for you to be and have a nice time is the ladies bathroom no that has nothing

to do with the venue should I bring Helen and Karen in right now and

tell them that information? Is that what they would like from one of their friends? Is that what they would appreciate, Henk? Now what is, you know, now you're misreading my words here. Is that the case, is it? Henk, one theory about you

is that you felt like you needed to say sorry for the fact that you were in the ladies' bathroom for so long. Did I say that? No, no, no. This is a theory from someone else. They said, you know, maybe you felt a little bit sorry that you were in the bathroom for so long. So therefore you decided to clean up the shit as kind of a way of showing your gratitude for being allowed in the toilet area with the woman in the woman's area what would you say to that no no no no no no no it's just um as a general rule

i would say that women in general are more fun to hang out with. And there was a whole bunch of girls that I knew, that I liked, that we were hanging out with. So I could have been hanging out in the men's bathroom by myself. What if I was to then tell you that the person who had that theory was in fact your girlfriend Kelly? Yeah, impossible. But she's had a lot of cockamamie ideas in her life. So you're saying she's got she's had a lot of cockamamie ideas

in her life so you're saying she's wrong your girlfriend of 16 years is wrong yes absolutely I mean

especially when you have a relationship for nearly 17 years you're both usually always wrong Henk there is a very

very very high possibility that you saw if it wasn't you let's say it wasn't you let's say you didn't shit on the floor for the sake of the argument there's a huge huge possibility that you

saw and you know who shat on the floor at the wedding and I want you to tell me that person's name right now it was you yes there you go boom who was it Henk tell me that person's name right now? It was you. Yes. There you go. Boom. Who was it, Henk?

Who was it? I have no idea. You don't know who shat on the floor at the wedding? I did not see the perpetrator. So you just conveniently turned away as that person shat beside you? That was probably the one time that I went up on deck or something. The one time that you went up on deck? Actually, I don't know.

Henk, do you know who shat on the floor at the wedding? I do not. I wish I knew. I would tell you right now. But I really don't know do you know who shat on the floor at the wedding i do not i wish i knew i would sell you right now but i really don't know i'm just gonna slide over a little piece of paper don't worry about this envelope this is just here because it's um bank money day it's cash in the bank you know we have the days when you go to the bank to put your money in there? That's just what that is. Don't worry about that.

Okay. I'm not supposed to worry about that? Can I ask you a question? Do you know who shat on the floor at the wedding? I do not know. I really want to know. I can't wait for this to be over because I want to know. Did you just wink at me?

Have a look in the envelope and see if it jogs your memory. Maybe there's a clue in there. It's not bribery because it's bank money, but sure, have a look. Have a look at the money. Yeah, okay. Check it out. See what's in there. I like to miss coins. We're bribing people with coins nowadays.

Very expensive coins. On these bitcoins? Maybe. Our lawyer said it's not bribery because it's bank money. I'm good at this what I need to tell you is that there are two two

professional people both working in psychology that say it's very strange that you were in the ladies bathroom for so long these people are

clearly not artists that are creative have a creative mind who shat on the floor at the wedding here I don't know I really don't know are clearly not artists that are creative, have a creative mind. Who shat on the floor at the wedding, Henk? I don't know. I really don't know. Henk, who shat on the floor

at the wedding? I don't know. I really don't know. This is plugged in, you know. Who's bought that? This screwdriver's plugged in. This drill is plugged in. That's not.

It's a big one. It's fucking big, Henk, and I'm not afraid to use it. Who shat on the floor at the wedding? That's what he said, sorry. I'm not afraid to use this drill. Who shat on the floor at the wedding? I don't know.

Give me a name. I don't know. I really don't know. It's not plugged in. Fuck. I am begging you, Henk. I know I cleaned it up. I know you cleaned it up.

I know you're in the bathroom. I can't believe I'm actually being interrogated. I should be cleaned it up. I know you cleaned it up. I know you're in the bathroom. I can't believe I might have been interrogated. I should be getting a pat on the shoulder for cleaning it up. Helen's upstairs waiting to give you several pats on the shoulder. That's why I had to remove her from the interrogation chambers. She defends you too much. Henk, where do we go from here? What do you suggest to me?

How can we... How can we move on? All right, so you're going to give me nothing. Well, if you could show... So I'm just going to have to hurt you. I'm going to physically torture you. Oh God. Let's plug this in.

It's time. Is it time to plug it in? It's time. You know you will fall on my face with that thing, right? Well, Hank, you've left me no other option. Oh boy. Ah! Ah!

Have you been the victim of a tasteless, traumatic crime that the police refuse to solve? We might be able to do something for you. Send us a DM on Instagram at and let us help you crack the case. You deserve closure. Coming up on Who Shat on the Floor at My Wedding. Your hands and his hands were engaged in areas

that were potentially, you know, erogenous zones. She honestly wanted this. And that is very bizarre that if she wanted it so badly that she's then nervous, what is she nervous about? Yeah, and I do remember him saying that he was like,

oh, I've never, I've never like been with a guy before. I have never in my life seen her nervous. She's a criminal mastermind.