Who Shat On The Floor At My Wedding? And Other Crimes - S1 E13 Who shat on the floor at my wedding? 'The Finale'

Episode Date: March 31, 2021

The team pull out all the stops to find out what really happened on the night of 11th August 2018.Can a real lie detector test, a code breaker and a psychic shed any light on who shat on the floor at Helen and Karen’s wedding? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Previously on Who Shat on the Floor at my wedding. We gather here today to celebrate and witness the promise of love and commitment of two beautiful, sweet, and slightly nutty souls, Karen Whitehouse and Helen McLaughlin. It was a stunning day. There were these little fluffy clouds and blue sky and the dress, Karen's dress, blowing in the wind. I mean, it was just magical. You may now kiss the wind. I mean, it was just, it was just magical. You may now kiss the bride.

We know it's someone that we either hired professionally or we know so, so well that that's the mystery. I mean, you'd have to find out. I mean, it'd be like killing you if you didn't know who it was. Answer me this. Did you or did you not shit on the floor at our wedding? I didn't shit on the floor at your wedding. I did not. No, I did not. I did not. There is no way in hell I did not shit on the floor at your wedding.

Bitterness, fear, shock, despair, devastation, hurt, anger, ecstatic joy. Which one? None of the above. That's one option. I backed off because I was like, I love these girls, but I'm not picking up someone else's shit. Why would you think of picking it up? Well, because it's got to be clean.

You can't leave the shit on the floor in the toilet all night. Luckily, Hank jumped in and basically volunteered to do it. Was this a crime of passion? Doing it into like a little temporary hammock of your pants and then like catapulting it on the floor. We don't even need that extra step. Temporary hammock. What have I taught you?

We must always assume that people are guilty. What motivates you? What motivates you as a person? And then secondly, what motivates you to pick up someone else's shit? I have a question. What's going to happen when you find out who did it? Ladies and gentlemen. Fans and trolls

And the pooper traitor This is the finale Of Who Shats On The Floor At My Wedding Try that again That was terrible The intonation Everybody's got a different intonation Because we've got different accents

It's not going to work What intonation should we do? It sounds terrible Let's agree on the intonation, everybody's got different intonation because we've got different accents. What intonation should we do? Let's agree on the intonation first. This is the finale of who shat on the floor at my wedding. No way. Why did you back it up into three sentences at the end? You've got weird dramatic, you're like trying to be a thespian but failing.

Yeah. You're a lesbian not a thespian. I mean we're doing a dramatic thespianic lesbian. OK. Yeah. Woo! I've got sweaty palms. Like, do you want to touch them? Not especially. Can I touch them when they're actually really sweaty? I really don't want to. Please, cos I'm excited. That's horrible. Clammy, like a little child's grubby paws.

Exactly. It's what you should be feeling for the finale. If your hands aren't clammy, Helen, you're not nervous enough. I'm not nervous. Why would I be nervous? Because we're wrapping up the investigation. Oh, I see. Is that, yeah. I'm happy to be here. There is a lot of pressure on us right now.

To our listeners out there, let's just say, first of all, thank you for your patience. We hope it will be worth the wait. We've had a lot of tricks up our sleeve for this finale bumper episode and we hope we will not disappoint. Is this like an intro that you're doing? Yeah. Or are you supposed to be chatting? Because you sound really weird if you're chatting.

I know, I'm being a bit weird. It's not meant to be a big intro. This is like a big intro. Okay, so it's an intro. Fine. I'm actually quite sad because this has been an emotional and joyous rollercoaster in many ways and it's coming to a close.

It's been a journey. What do you like more, the podcast or your wedding? I thought you were going to say your wife then and I was like, probably the podcast. Sorry, that was my instant reaction. The wedding was awesome, the poop less awesome, the podcast definitely awesome. I don't know if I could choose between them.

It's been nice to catch up with everyone and have talked to each of the people that are off peeps and, definitely awesome. I don't know if I could choose between them. It's been nice to catch up with everyone and have talked to each of the people that are our peeps. Oh, that's right off the bat. You had to get that in the intro. Even if they are, you know, they might be suspects, but they're also our peeps, so it's been really lovely to speak with everyone. What's pretty interesting is that I've been involved

in quite a few marital disputes throughout this podcast. You've been involved in our relationship. You've become not a third wheel, but... I'm quite integrated in your relationship. In our lives. Yeah. Yeah. You're also one of our peeps.

Have I become a peep? You're one of our peeps. Yeah. I wasn't a peep at the start. Am I a peep now? I would say you're a peep, yeah. I mean, at the beginning of the investigation, you were more of an acquaintance.

Now I look at you and I see a friend. I a peep so let's break it down bearing in mind that you've only flipped the first vertical page of your online detective course you've done a really good job I think I've done quite a good job um considering I didn't get paid to investigate this and it's taken a year of my time yeah I think overall you've probably got a B+, maybe even an A-. And I think when you look at a lot of, no offence to the Metropolitan Police or any of the police around the world, but I reckon they've got many cases where they would be graded B+, because they just don't have the resources.

We've put a lot of time and effort into this. They could learn a thing or two. It could actually be the basic training for all new detectives and all new police officers yeah to learn how it's done by listening to who shouts on the floor outside of the box to think like someone that is not qualified because it frees you up from the shackles of what you should do the shackles of the law yeah i have not let the law hold me back. No. No, definitely not. Nor reason or logic. No. Okay. But we've done well, and yes,

we've got a couple of tricks up our sleeve for this finale. I'm excited. Two brides longing for closure. One professional truth extraction device. One less professional truth extraction device. One less professional truth extraction device. One kidnapping from London to Essex. One cryptic lead hand-delivered to my home address. One expert who helps us tap into a very shocking theory.

One epic criminal investigation. And it all ends today. This is Who Shat on the Floor at My Wedding, the finale. Hey Lauren, take a look at this. Yeah? It just came in the mail. It's a letter for you, but it says Detective Lauren Kilby. What? Yeah, open it.

We are here to discuss a very interesting bit of mail that Detective Lauren Kilby received in the post. Yes. So first of all, it was addressed to the detective Lauren Kilby, not to Lauren Kilby, the person. So that's a clear lead. So it's clearly to do with the podcast because that's the only thing I'm investigating currently is who shot on the floor at my wedding and nothing else. I'm not doing any side investigations that you guys aren't aware of.

Good to know. So it's addressed to detective Lauren Kilby. It has my real address on it. So somebody knows where I live. Did you squeal when you saw it? I was quite frightened. I thought that it could be maybe a death threat. It's slightly creepy.

Did it have a, what stamp did it have on it? It had a stamp that says Post NL, 96 cents it costed someone to send. So it's local. Yeah. They're really forking out the cash. So it said 96 cents, like as in euros, not pounds or anything. Euro cents. It was sent in the Netherlands, from the Netherlands.

So it was obviously someone that knows you well enough to know your address. Not necessarily. It was somebody who got hold of the address somehow. Well, I don't go around posting my address on the internet, Helen. Well, it depends if you've got a stalker, you know. Then they would do their best to find out. They could have followed you. They could have followed you home.

Oh, God. Someone's following me. And hang on. It wasn't handwritten. It was printed, which I think is important to note as well. So they didn't give anything of their handwriting. On the envelope as well. Yeah.

So somebody has taken the time to print a sticker that says my name and address on it, and they've stuck it on because they don't want their handwriting to be obsessed. That's a lot of effort, unless you've got a sticker maker at home, isn't it? I wouldn't even know where to begin to print an address on a sticker. You're getting a bit defensive. Why are you saying that? You work in IT, Helen. I think you could work out how to print a sticker.

That's what it said. Then I opened it, obviously. Yeah, it wasn't a death threat. It wasn't a clue. It was a riddle. Somebody sent me a fucking riddle. It's very Sherlock Holmes. They're using Times New Roman font.

That's lazy. They don't even do comic sans. I think it's quite sinister. It is quite sinister. What, to not bother changing your font? No, but it would have been in Arial. They would have started the document in Arial. How do you know that? Well, likely that it would have been in Arial. They would have started the document in Arial. How do you know that?

Well, likely that it would have been Arial or Calibri. And then they would have changed it to Times New Roman. No, that's not the standard. Like a psychopath. The standard for Microsoft. That's standard, yeah. Oh, actually, there's a trick. Oh, that's a lead.

That's an interesting, yes. Who uses, well, who's lazy and who uses Microsoft? There ain't nothing lazy about printing out an address and printing a letter. Yeah, true. There's nothing lazy about that. Yeah, this was a choice. If you've gone to, yeah, you're completely right, Helen. But that is a good point.

So it could potentially be someone with a PC rather than a Mac. Exactly. It was quite small, so I would say probably size 10 font. So they have gone to the effort of changing the font size because normally it's 12, isn't it? I'm impressed by your detective mind right now that you've gone to the detail of thinking what this person could have been from the font they chose

and how they put it all together. I'm quite impressed. Do you think I've finally become a detective in episode 13, the finale? I think it's somebody old with a terrible taste in computers. That's you. You just explained yourself. You're 45 and you've got a shit computer.

There it is. Let me just show you. That's my work computer. Look at this classic. It's a Dell it's a Dell Rassley thing. What is this card sticking out? I'm not having this. Oh, it's got one of those buttons in the middle that does nothing. Yeah, don't. No, don't. Close that. Okay, so? I'm not having this. Oh, it's got one of those buttons in the middle that does nothing. Yeah, don't. No, don't.

Close that. Okay, so it's basically Helen sent this. Okay, guys. Yeah. The suspense is killing me. Can you just read the goddamn riddle, please? Four jolly men sat down to play and played all night till break of day.

They played for cash and not for fun with a separate score for everyone. When it came time to square accounts they all had made quite fair amounts. Now not one has lost and all have gained. Tell me now this can you explain? This is too weird why would somebody what is that supposed to mean? And? This is too weird. Why would somebody, what is that supposed to mean? And honestly, this is too advanced for me. I'm not in the riddles business. I'm a detective, but I don't solve riddles. I'm much more advanced than that.

So actually, guys, I've spent some time sourcing a code breaker who can help us with this. As in a Second World War enigma machine codebreaker. I'm quite excited. Where did you find this person? Just a freelance codebreaker who is at our disposal, who we can call. Awesome. Who will be able to help us with this. Are they available now?

Can we chat? She is available now, yes. Let's do it. Let's see what we've got. I presume you sent it to them already. Yes, she has received it and she. Let's see what we've got. I presume you've sent it to them already? Yes, she has received it and she will talk us through what it means. Hello? Hello, is that Linda? Hi Lauren. How are you? Hi, good. Hi, Linda. It's Karen and Helen here.

Hey, Linda. Hello. So, yes, I'd just like to introduce Linda to the group. So Linda is our specialist codebreaker based in Northern Ireland who is on board to help us decode this riddle. And this is Helen and Karen. Thank you so much for coming on board to help us decode this riddle. And this is Helen and Karen. Thank you so much for coming on board for the investigation. Oh, it's a pleasure to help.

You know, I've always helped Lauren out all her life. What do you mean by that? Well, just, you know, it's what mothers do, isn't it? Is this your mum? Yes. I didn't know your mother was a code breaker she's in a cryptic crossword group aren't you I mean yes I am in a cryptic crossword group we do crosswords every week and sometimes I can get some of the clues. Yeah, I'm a code breaker. Lauren, so Linda,

mum, I should say, now the cat's out of the bag. You have received the riddle that I was sent. Would you be able to just read the riddle out to us first? No, I've not got it here. Yeah, it'd be good if you had that item in front of you, just considering that's what we're here to talk about. Wow. Four joey men sat down to play and played all night till break of day. They played for cash and not for fun, with a separate score for everyone. When it came time to square accounts, they all had made quite fair amounts. Now, not one has lost and all have gained. Tell me now, this can you explain?

Can you? Now, this can you explain? Can you? Yes. Well, I actually got my whole crossword group together to look at this and analyse it, and it's quite straightforward, really. The four jolly men are members of a band who are employed to play at a wedding, for example, and they get paid for doing it, and that's how they get their fair amounts.

And the score is just another word for the sheet music. Wow. That's pretty well done. That seems really simple when you put it like that. As soon as you said the band, then it all sort of fell into place for me. I wonder if this is some kind of confession, that it might have been somebody from the band. Or because it was a four-part band at your wedding.

Yeah. So specifically, you know, it's fine to speculate, Mum, but what does this mean for the investigation? What is who committed the crime? No idea. That's up to you, Lauren, really, isn't it? Yes. No, you're the detective.

I just do have something else to say. This might be a bit awkward, though. If you'd just put the first line into Google, you'd have got the answer. If you just put the first line into Google, you'd have got the answer. No, you broke the classic crossword rules. You Googled to find the result. I never do that with crosswords, though. We are thinking in such an advanced way that we wouldn't even possibly consider the idea that this would live in Google. It could be that the guilty person feels like you're getting too close and wants to send you off on another tangent, maybe.

Yeah. It could be Dolly again. Dolly Amalagmulu. She doesn't live in the Netherlands, though. Oh, yeah. That's some of the kind of things she would do, though. Yeah, well, she's already been, like, up up in our grill so she's actually trying to distract us this makes me feel like dolly is even more guilty this is this is this makes total sense because i was like what

this is either someone that's just trying to mess with you but i thought it was just a little bit too much effort to go to this is that this is very much dolly and I bet she uses time to do Roman. All right, well, good luck with the rest of it. Okay, bye, Mum. All right. Love you. Bye. Bye. Should we be concerned about the fact that this weirdo sent a riddle to you?

Did we? Who did it? Yeah, we don't know. Do we care? Yeah, we care. Well, then that's a loose end. Yes, that's an official loose end. It makes me feel like they might be stalking you in the street,

you know, watching you come and go. There's only one way to find out who really sent this letter. Karen, make the calls. Hello, Kelly. Really quickly, what's your favorite font? Font? This is fucking random. I mean, why?

What do you mean by font? That's a type, a letter type. Yeah, exactly. Just the regular type. Just the regular type one. What's that name? Um, God. I would have to look that up.

Sans Serif. Hello, Hank. What's your favorite font? I usually actually use the very basic Helvetica. Hi, Dolly. I have a question for you. What's your favorite font? I think it would be that New Gothic Regular.

Is that Anna? Hi, sis. What's your favourite font? For me? For what? For your podcast? Just a simple question. What's the first font that comes to mind? Times New Roman. Yes, there it is. Times New Roman. Yes, there it is.

Times New Roman. So it was Anna Whitehouse, Karen's famous sister, who sent me that letter in the post. Oh, no, actually no. She doesn't live in the Netherlands so it can't have been her.

Moving swiftly on to something very exciting. It's time to wrap up the investigation. How do you wrap up the investigation? Very good question. And this is what a detective normally does when they come to the end of a criminal investigation. They know they need to wrap it up.

Other cases are knocking on the door, you know. You can't go on forever investigating. So you can't stop ringing, am I right? Some cases go cold and just sit there unsolved. Exactly. It's like a cold fish on the table. Yeah, but before the cases become cold, so when they're still a bit lukewarm,

there's one final thing you do. You bring in a psychic. Oh! No, you don't. Yes, you do. I'm going to pause this conversation as I have something very important to say about the psychic. We have a confession to make, listeners.

We've not been completely honest with you. There's a reason we decided to interview Dolly Almologlu in the first place. Yes, she sent me that initial email saying I have information, but there's something else. We've actually already spoken to the psychic two months ago and just listen to what she said on our call. Hi, so I just want to introduce myself. My name is Lindsay Agus and I am a CBT therapist which stands for cognitive therapy and I'm also an intuitive psychic medium. So when I was four I remember being in my bedroom and seeing my nan and she was just really bright and I just thought

why is my nan in my room because my nanana never came to our house we used to go down to hers and um obviously because I'm only four I always remember that so vividly and then when I was about 10 11 I remember my dad saying to me um can you not remember when you came into our room and said that you saw nana and I said yeah I remember that what about and my mum and dad said well she'd actually passed to spirit that evening. So that was really, really, really strange. And I used to just always sense and feel things, especially when I go into bed.

And I think that's when your mind's about to shut down and you're sort of drifting out of consciousness to go into a deep sleep. And that's when I used to really know and sense that energies was around me. But at that age, I didn't understand understand it enough to understand my spirit guides that were trying to connect with me so I'll have with me um my guide who's Indian called Mina and I have an Egyptian guide as well um who's masculine who's male so I will tune into their energies and see um what they give me and

and how that usually works is they will just it's just like in your own mind I'll get images come through and sensors and I'll know that it's not me because I've not been to Reddit so um yeah we'll have to see what what comes up do you have a good understanding of the crime in which we're dealing with? My understanding is that somebody's decided to take their shit on your floor at your wedding, is that correct? They decided it and then they followed through with it. Yes, yeah. There's no closure really, is there?

And I think that's what you're looking for, is closure, to put this to bed, perhaps. To bed, perhaps. what I feel is the person is definitely female I feel and believe it or not I am being given that this person would have not been wearing any underwear this is this is the lead I'm getting. I'm getting that obviously when the incident and the crime was taking place that the person would have had a flowing ice dress on and I'm being given like a red dress or a red skirt or something on those lines. Suspects wearing red.

Nicolette, Karen, Hink and Dolly Elmaloglu. But also I feel the person is somebody that has quite a high pressure job and would never want to admit that perhaps they were struggling with pressure. So, and I think this is why the incidents happened, because it's just, let's be honest, it's not normal behaviour to take a shit on a floor in a wedding. Suspects with a high-pressured job, Nicolette and Dolly Omologlu. And they're just in a space where they've been drinking champagne. The champagne's really kind of disagreed with them.

So I do feel that this person is in a couple, that it's a couple. Interesting. So is there anything else that you're picking up that before we sort of wrap this up that you want to share with us about this crime? I've got a fancy watch so it's um they're showing me like a the Dewana really um quite unique watch. Wow. quite unique watch. Wow. I'm not sure in what, I want to say Rolex,

but I'm not sure it is a Rolex, but it's quite a statement watch, should I say. Do you know if anyone else knows about this a statement watch. Dolly, Alma Loglu. Do you know if anyone else knows about this? Or, you know, did they tell anyone? Or is there anyone else? Are you getting any other? Just to ask that question, I just kept getting Chris in my head. Chris.

So I don't know who Chris is. My dad. Oh, my God. It was your dad. It was my mum. It was your dad and your mom i knew it well i've just said to spirit give me some names please and they just said it it you know there could be linked to chris and i'm like who's chris and then that's why i've asked you know i was actually dad was there somebody that you invited to your wedding that was involved in marketing?

A lot, yes. Because that's what I'm getting quite strongly, that there's a link with the person who you've done quite a lot of marketing with or who's quite high up in marketing. or who's quite high up in marketing. Suspects quite high up in marketing, Dolly Almologlu. And I do feel the person's very quite slim as well, so they do look after the figure. Dolly looks after her figure.

She likes exercise. The psychic has spoken. Dolly Almologlu figure. She likes exercise. The psychic has spoken. Dolly, our Miloglu, was connected to the crime. The description of the red dress, the watch, her job, down to her physique, it all fits. It explains her shifty behaviour and why she needed a fake identity. We need to chase down this lead. why she needed a fake identity. We need to chase down this lead. We need to figure out once and for all if it was Dolly Elmaloglu who shat on the floor at Helen and Karen's wedding. So I managed to get in touch with the secretary of the British Polygraph Association who runs a

awesome real deal lie detection examination centre in Essex. He deals with strapping people up to real polygraph tests, murderers, arsonists, like real-deal criminals. He's sentenced people to prison based on the outcome of his exams. I didn't think they were legally permissible in court. In some situations, in the UK, they have been used in courts for jury decisions. Right, but not here in the Netherlands?

No, it's illegal in the Netherlands. But that's fine, we'll just go to the UK to do the final court thing. So basically what I've managed to agree is that Dolly Elmaloglu is going to get in a car and go all the way to this polygraph test centre in Essex. And she's going to be strapped up, not to an actual polygraph test, but something which is the same level of scientific lie detection, which is called an eye detect test. And which is actually a new technology which people are starting to use to replace polygraph and we're going to find out if it was her and this is real deal accuracy lie detection and at the end of this test we will find out if dolly amaloglu is the criminal in mind we think she is. Hello, my name is Terry Mullins. I am the founding and managing director

of Integrity Assured Limited. I'm using iDetect, which is a totally new concept of truth verification. And I do a lot of criminal work with sexual offenders, murders etc. What was the highlight of your career to date? And it can't be our podcast. I've actually conducted two very controversial polygraph tests. One on a person called Jeremy Bamber, who in 1985 was alleged to have killed five members of his family. And I tested him in 2007 in Foresun Prison. He passed his polygraph test and there is not a shred of evidence against this man. But he was convicted by a jury on no evidence and my second case is a man called luke mitchell also for murder he was 14 and and he was actually on a tv program last week

which a new investigation proved that he did not commit the murder. But no crime before where someone sat on the floor at a wedding? Not really, no. Actually, how will you strip her up? So when a person comes in, Dolly will be given information. She will know why she's here. She would have already been pre-told by yourselves saying we need to get to the bottom of this issue and then she'll sit down in front of a 13 inch monitor

there is a chin rest just like you get in any opticians so i ask them to put their chin on the on the rest then all they've got to do is look straight at the screen and then calibrate the infrared cameras that are attached to the screen to their eyes. They will first of all get a practice test. Now they're not speaking, they're using a mouse that has two on them, two colour coded. One is green and one is red. So one is true and one is false. And they get around six seconds to answer each of those very short statements. Once they've passed the exercise, that means they fully understand how directed lie works. Then they come to the questions and then they have to answer truthfully to the main relevant questions and lie to the directed lie questions.

Is that 100% accurate? Would that hold up in court? You're looking at around 90%. Nothing's 100% apart from that we're all going to expire one day. And then once they're finished, they can stand up and leave. Unless they're guilty, in which case and and leave unless they're guilty in which case we'll send in someone to arrest them hello i am the eye detector machine i have no feelings i do not show emotions i solve problems Man can be fooled, but not me. I am the world's best lie detector. Humans believe they can see the truth by looking into a person's eyes. I analyze them. I detect even the tiniest variations in the people.

I will reveal the truth. I am the eye detect machine. If you are guilty, I will know. If you are innocent, I will know. The truth is the only thing I will reveal. I will expose your deepest secrets. Nothing is safe. There is nothing you can hide from me. Dolly is in the room.

She is sitting in the chair. She has her chin on the chin rest. Terry's machine is extracting the truth from her. We are about to find out if it was Dolly Almologlo who shat on the floor. Exciting. So what's the, how can you, what can you describe what the mood is in the room right now dolly well look i mean what can i say um i think there's definitely um some anticipation though i mean i am confident and did you how do you feel that you did, Dolly?

Oh, flying colours. I mean, I definitely confused one question and got it wrong, but I'm happy to admit that. The rest of them, you know, 100% integrity and truth and honesty. That's convenient that you're just flagging up front. Hi, Dolly. It's Detective here. Hi, Detective. Hi. Good to speak to you again. Lovely to speak to you

too, Detective. Yes, isn't it? Interesting that you're holding back up front that there's a question that you got wrong but you're not telling us which one it is, just so you've got that in your back pocket for later. Well, I could probably tell you which one it is, to be honest, Detective, because I think I recall. Please? It was one of the questions that I was asked to answer with a false, but I got a bit confused, and so I answered it true.

Okay. Yeah. Was that did you shit on the floor at the wedding? No, it wasn't one of those ones at all. And, Terry, I would love to just know from your point of view is there anything that you want to say before you reveal the results of dolly's test you've seen a lot of suspects walk into your office is there anything you want to say about our suspects behavior how she's acted was she willing was she cooperative oh i have to say that dolly was extremely cooperative um very friendly and but then an awful lot of uh criminals are the same but she she did walk

in with an air of confidence yes we're very aware of that air of confidence lock the doors before you reveal the results. I, Dolly Elmaloglu, hereby solemnly declare that I told the truth during this lie detector test and nothing but the truth. And do you trust the results of the eye detect? I'll go with it. For now. Please proceed, Terry, and reveal the results of Dolly Elmaloglu's eye detect test. Well, Dolly completed the test completely on her own.

She conducted herself with dignity and composed herself for the test. you hear that dignity and the score goes between 1 and 99 and you must achieve 50 to pass however on a personal note the person fails to reach 80 i wouldn't employ them I still wouldn't trust them. Because if they're going to be very truthful, then they should reach 99, which is what Dolly got. Oh! What? Woo-hoo!

She got the highest score. Take that, Detective Lauren. She actually got 99 out of the 100 score. She got a very high score. Woohoo! Detective's got her head in her hands right now. I understand 99%. That is certainly a number to celebrate. However, I'm looking for 100% in this investigation.

I need to be 100% certain that my suspects did not commit this crime and you are leaving me with an open 1% here. Okay. 99, if you can reach 99%, you are on top of everything take that detective lauren have you ever met a criminal mastermind in person? A criminal mastermind? Yes. Yes. And does Dolly show any symptoms of a criminal mastermind in your opinion?

I think she's got the capability to be one. Yeah, because my thoughts are, I mean, I'm not going to diminish this incredible device that you have built and congratulations on having such a successful device. But I do feel that someone who is so extremely advanced in their kind of brain activity, potentially they're a criminal mastermind, you know, they're a genius essentially,

they could potentially still trick this test. No. Yes. No. Yes. You can't think your way out of a lie. You can't use that your brain power and memory to erase something that you have done. Or can you? Then you'd have to be unbalanced. You'd have to be sociopathic, psychopathic, split personality, and we can't test people like that. No. Because who am I testing? How many personalities have you got, Dolly?

Yes, at least two. Isn't that the million-dollar question? Yeah. Dolly's not even her real name. I don't know if you know that. Thanks for nothing, Dolly. It's my absolute pleasure, detective. Am I disappointed? Yes. Will I let that disappointment bring me down? No. In fact, that disappointment inspired me to come up with my next trick, a trick I like to call the exchange.

Important announcement. Who shat on the floor at my wedding? Dear friends, family, guests, and the Pooper Trader, you were all guests at our wedding, which took place on the 11th of August, 2018. It was a memorable day, but as many of you know our memories were tainted by a heinous crime that was committed in the ladies bathroom between 9.45 and 10.45pm.

Someone shat on the floor at our wedding. As we are nearing the end of our thorough investigation the criminal investigative squad would like to share the following important announcement with you someone will be punished for this crime whether they're guilty or not i think it's a bit lame to have us like read a half a sentence each that's stupid why would you do that what the fuck are we we're not like in assembly at school i'm raging just read the fucking email jesus calm just calm down, babe. Yeah, you need to relax. You need to, you're a bit edgy today. It's the emails from all three of us, so it makes sense. Why don't you like, just read them out?

We just want to make you feel involved. Oh, no, I don't worry about that. So we want to offer you, the perpetrator, a final chance to come forward and own up to this crime. Own up or forever live knowing you sent an innocent person to prison. We, Helen, Karen and Detective, will be standing at Pier 14 where the wedding boat disembarked between 1 to 1.30 this Saturday ready to make a final exchange. Forgiveness for a confession. This is your last chance.

Come forward now, show yourself to us and we promise to keep your dignity intact if you don't come forward we owe you nothing the clock is ticking additionally since we're going straight to the bank after this appointment we will have an envelope containing 63 euros which we may drop on the floor by accident if you confess or if you give us a name lastly please fill out this final survey monkey questionnaire kind Kind regards, Helen, Karen and Detective Lauren Kilby. Can I just check? Yes. I just think exchanging a confession for forgiveness,

I don't think anybody's really... Anyway, we've already had that conversation, right? Well, no, it's just the idea of knowing that you could potentially spend the rest of your life, 50, 60, 70 years, depending on how old these people are, you know, with guilt, with this guilt. They will wake up every morning for the rest of their life and think about the fact that they showered on the floor at the wedding and didn't confess for the podcast. I wonder how people would feel, like, if we knew who it was, if somebody came out of the shadows and stood there. You know, like, you can imagine the smoke clearing and then suddenly they come into focus and you're like...

And it's Hink. Here I am. And, I mean, what do they expect? The world to applaud? Do they think everybody's going to cheer and say, well done for shitting on the floor and making this wonderful...

I will be. I'll be doing this. Problem is, we've got a lot of... We're, like, jokers. A lot of our friends are jokers and I worry that we actually might have too many people coming forward just for a laugh.

Nobody's going to come forward. Nobody's going to come forward. I can imagine this really emotional scene where we're standing at the pier and then we see this hazy mirage of people in the distance. And it's everyone. And a whole group, the whole wedding party in a V formation walks slowly towards us. And they were all in on it. I think that everyone has something to feel embarrassed about from that night of your wedding. I'm embarrassed that I took my shoes off, my flat shoes. I mean, forgiven. Easy. I'm embarrassed of a few other things. I had the extra half serving of lasagna.

What I'm saying is that everyone has something to feel embarrassed about. So here we are, standing on Pier 14 beside Amsterdam Central Station. Lovely. Beautiful day for it. Beautiful day for the culprit to step forward and show his or her or its face. Exactly. So this is the spot where we embarked on the boat on that very day. That breeze. What a time to be alive. Yeah, you can see that.

And we're sitting at the end of the pier. So it's quite a long-ish pier. And actually, I think maybe the boat was down a little bit, but that's okay. We'll just sit down here because we want a dramatic runway and so they're going to have to walk absolute embarrassed probably kind of like slumping over walking with pure shame maybe they're crying looking at their feet so it's two minutes past one so we're already two minutes into the time frame so the email said it said turn up or send somebody in your place somewhere, you know, on Pier 14 between 1 and 1.30. Yeah.

I mean, they've had a year to show their face. And if it is someone that we've already interrogated, would they have been through some pretty intense interrogations? Who's that? I mean, I wouldn't expect Henk to turn up, for example. I've absolutely, basically threatened to kill him with that screwdriver. You've railed him good and proper. So if he didn't crack when I did that,

then I don't know what, he can't have done it, surely. I don't think he did. Oh, really? I didn't know you felt that way. Oh, who's that? Is that anyone's ass? I must say, even though I don't expect anybody to come along, it's that? Is that anyone else? I must say, even though I don't expect anybody to come along

It's quite fun Yeah I feel like we're at the arrivals gate Yeah, waiting At the airport, waiting Yeah, we are, it is very much that feeling Oh, is that someone? Is that?

And then you're like, oh no Oh no But is that those two people coming towards us? Is that going to be? No No, that's just the general person I don't think we'd know people who look like that, would we? No. Oh God, he's looking over here. Isn't

he? Who is that? I don't know. With the briefcase. Oh no, he's coming. Because there's nothing for them to come down this way too. So, what are they walking towards? That's what I was going to ask. What on earth are they doing? Yeah, I know, he stopped. What's the time? It is eight minutes

past one. Eight minutes past one. Yeah. Who's that? Do you know that person? No. She's like a long-haired rocker. Yeah, you know long-haired rockers. What's she doing?

She's walking very fast. Towards what? The end of the pier. There's nothing here. It's our first day. Is that Henk? No. Is it?

That person at the end in the green. Who's that? Oh, there's a group. This is going really well. Did you... 12 minutes past one. It's 1.15. It actually feels like time is going slower on this pair.

Yes, you're right. Who's that? They look like people you could know. That couple? Yeah, they do. Who is that? They're quite smart and... Yeah, they look quite fancy.

Sophisticated. Yeah. He's smiling. He's got something to smile about. Why are they walking so quickly? They're walking fast towards us. Purposeful. Striding purposefully.

They could be delivering a message. They're smiling, they're laughing, they think it's funny, whatever it is. I think something's very funny, probably. Oh, no, now there's something. What's that? Oh no. He's looking at us, but I don't know whether that's because... We're looking at him?

Could be. I'm talking about them, obviously, into a microphone. That person just waved at us. Or that man, actually, he might have waved at that man. Okay, the culprit has a matter of minutes to show their face, or they will be exposed in another way. An unpleasant way. 23 minutes

past one. Yeah. Yeah, there's a lot of activity, isn't there? Who's that? Nobody's coming this way. Who is that? But nobody's coming this way. Who is that? No. I wonder what other things this pair has seen, apart from a wedding boat that left the pair

that later turned out to be a criminal vessel. Is that the money? Is that the 63 euros? Well, I could only find, I think it was like 23.50, something like that. Oh, you didn't bother going to the bank? No, well, I just thought... It's not important, is it? Getting it right? Well, like I said, I don't think anybody was going to turn up anyway. Getting the end of the investigation right, it's not important to you, is it?

So I just threw whatever I had into the envelope here. Okay, so 23 euros. Yeah, 50. Okay, cool. So if someone comes here now and says, have you got the money, I'm going to tell you who committed the crime, and we have to say, oh, sorry, we've only got 23.50. Okay, cool. So if someone comes here now and says, have you got the money? I'm going to tell you who committed the crime. And we have to say, oh, sorry, we've only got 23.50 because we couldn't be bothered to go to the bank.

Was it a specific amount that you said you'd give them? I think we said 63 euros. Oh, fuck, I didn't know that, sorry. Oh, we're fucked. No, I'm 39.50 short. It's going to be fine. So they're going to come here and say, show me the money. Show me the money first and then I'll tell you who did it.

And we'll have to say, oh, we're so sorry. Take my watch. Take my card. Take my wedding ring. You'll have to give them your wedding ring. I'll do part of it in cash. Where is it? Have you got it on you?

You're giving the wedding ring. Part in cash, part electronic transfer. How much is your wedding ring worth? I'm not giving you my wedding ring. I could pawn it. Pawn it temporarily. Oh, my God. So Michelle and Ralph and Louis the Chihuahua have just arrived.

That is Michelle. Michelle and Ralph. Hey. Michelle. What are you doing here on Pier 14? So Michelle and Ralph have just rocked up at Pier 14 within the time period. It's 1.30 exactly. It's 1.30 exactly, so that means it's within the period that if you step onto Pier 14, you committed the crime.

Actually, we just came to get the ferry. We didn't come to Pier 14 at all, really. We just saw you guys and then... What a coincidence. Yeah, what are they doing here? You didn't actually commit the crime in the end. No, no. God, no.

Oh, for fuck's sake! No one has come to Pier 14 except for you, Michelle and Ralph, without a confession. It's been more disappointing than I imagined. No offence. We're going to have to try some other things. I think we need to get the other tricks

that are up our sleeves. It's not over yet. OK, so we sent the email inviting the culprit to the pier. We went to the pier, the culprit didn't show up, and we went home. That's just what happened. In the email, we also invited guests to fill out one of our classic Survey Monkey questionnaires.

18 people filled it out, and the responses raised a few more questions about our good old mate, the entertainer. Who shat on the floor at Helen and Karen's wedding? Someone said, I'm putting money, we need to clarify how much money, on the dodgy band member. Someone else said, the entertainer guy.

I'm glad we've got some support for the entertainer though because he's a great criminal. It's not just a little bit of support for the entertainer. 23% of people who filled out this survey. Sorry, 23% of 18 people. It's like three people. You're making that up anyway. 23.5% of people think it's the entertainer.

Hang on, how many people? 18. Put your calculator away, Helen. I've got the calculator here. The stats don't add up. The stats don't add up. 18 people filled it out. Four of them.

4.5 people said the entertainer. I don't think so. Four divided by 17 times 100 is 23.5%. 18. Oh, no, sorry. No, no, no. 17 people answered this one. I was right.

One skipped. So someone skipped it. Okay, got you. So 23.5% of your wedding, so a quarter of your wedding, thinks it's the entertainer. I mean, I can understand why. Okay, so I have a pretty big update for you all. So you remember one of the other band members who played alongside the entertainer at our wedding got in touch

with me asking me to file a police report about the entertainer's behavior that night well got a bit of an update for you guys on that front so first of all the police the police actually called me up three days ago asking me to provide more details about the witness statement that I filed because the court case against the entertainer is pretty much hotting up and they needed more information and then I managed to get hold of one of the other band members who knows the entertainer super well and who's played with him in a band for years and years and who was really deeply involved in the case against him. So this call I had with this band member was really interesting because it shed a lot more light on the entertainer as a character.

It's a bit confidential so can't share all the details but here are the main things that I learned. So the court came to a verdict and found the entertainer guilty on multiple acts of, let's just say, bad behavior. But yeah, there was a whole bunch of stuff against him. And I guess the judge wasn't having any of it. And he received legal punishment for his actions. He also said that during the court proceedings, the entertainer started acting out and did some pretty strange things, just showing what a volatile character he is. And then he left to Mexico for three weeks with his newly acquired girlfriend. And I say that I say that very selectively. I think that's a good illustration of of his mental

state his behavior has been has been complete completely mad you know and it's getting it's getting crazier and crazier and some mornings he would just be smashing plates on the floor for no reason you know I think I think the man's pretty ill to be honest with you i then obviously had to tell this band member what happened at a wedding and that someone shat on the floor i don't know what to say oh my god but generally how the entertainer was a bit of a sex pest and tried coming on to a lot of women who rejected him. Wait, I probably got about around ten different women complaining to me.

One of them, he actually lunged at her and kissed her on the lips when she didn't want that, and it was just, it was horrible. And he said that rejection is a massive trigger for the entertainer. It has caused him to lash out many occasions in the past i've experienced so many times how extremely bad he is at dealing with rejection on a very very very rudimental level yeah i just have to know because you know the entertainer the best i just want to know what you think because there's so many things that point at him to have done this

and I just want to know, do you think he could have done it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, through all the rejection I can totally imagine that he also would have just taken a dump. If that's not

court quality evidence, then I don't know what is. Back to the Survey Monkey where we asked the question, do you have a final message for the investigative team? Someone wrote knock, knock. He's there. And someone else wrote, the next person wrote, seek and you shall find, knock and the door will be opened. What?

So who responses mention knock? That's actually really strange. It's a passage from the Bible. Oh, gosh. Oh, shit, it's a religious motive, shitting on the floor. We haven't covered that. Oh, no. Praise be to Jesus, Let me curl one out.

Yeah, oh, my God. Oh, my God. I know that you often are supposed to give some sort of offering or, you know, sacrifice or whatever for your God. But I don't think this is what they mean. What? I think this is a really, really strange thing to put in a survey, a light-hearted survey. Final response. It's Tobin, I promise.

Nah. Should we call Tobin and tell him that we know it was him? I mean, just because somebody said that they think it's him. Nah, but a lot of people have said to me Tobin sounded dodgy. My genuine thought was that I think he could have sent that riddle,

because he has that kind of sense of humour. Do you think it was him? You're never going to get a confession, though. I think Tobin is a contender. Should I call him now? Yeah. No normal person would want to live in the red light, would they? I mean, what does that mean about him?

Close to the six. Here we go. Hell's angels. Shh. Calling him. Who went from one moment to mailbox from... He's changed his name's Angels. Shh, shh, shh. Calling him. Who went from born to met a mailbox from... He's changed his number. ...nil, zes, eight.

That was an immediate... That was probably an immediate hang-up. Shall I try? You try. Yeah, okay. This is fascinating. Okay, let's see. Maybe too soon after...

...went from born to met a mailbox from... He switched... It switched off the text, is that... Tobin. Why are you and K-Dog harassing me? Did you find the pooper? Just say... We have a question for you. No, no, no, don't be... He'll get his back up.

Just say... just wanted to catch up. Hello? Hello. How are you? Why are you guys so crazy? You've been crazy for like, at least eight months. No, no, we're not crazy.

We're just, um, we're just wrapping up the investigation. Okay. Nothing crazy about that. Standard practice in a criminal investigation, wrapping things up. Gotcha. Just had a quick question. Just reviewing the responses from the online survey monkey that we sent around to the guests. I'm not sure if you filled it out.

I did. Thought so. Our next question is, did you shit on the floor at the wedding? I did not. Are you sure? Positive. But I like that you guys really want to think of me that way. It makes me feel pretty super in our friendship.

So thanks for that. No, no, it's not me. I don't think it was you. It's the people that one person thinks it's you who filled out the survey. I thought you said two people. In the answer,

who shat on the floor at the wedding, they wrote Tobin. And do you have a final message for the team? It's Tobin, I promise. Why would somebody think that?

I don't know, but promising something's pretty, like, that serious., I promise. Why would somebody think that? I don't know, but promising something's pretty, like, that's serious. Saying I promise. Yeah. In a world devoid of truth, I suppose that promise is pretty much what we have. Yeah. I think that's... That's all, I rest my case. Yeah, that's all the questions.

Wait, am I guilty? This is the worst court of law This is unfair Where's the bible to swear on? Where's the process? You just called me and put me in the corner Are you religious?

No Okay, well we'll let you go. Okay. Yeah, see you in jail. I can't wait. Thanks for ruining my afternoon, Toxic. Okay, fine. It wasn't him, was it?

So I don't think it was him either. No, it wasn't him. Okay, well, that's fine. Can I just say, he did just say that you've ruined his afternoon. Should you just say, not really? Yeah. Because he thinks... Okay, yeah. No, I'll just say, you've been his afternoon. Should you just say, not really? Yeah. Because he thinks... Okay, yeah, no, I'll just say,

you've been successfully ruled out. Have a nice afternoon. All right, listeners, listen up. Tobin has been officially ruled out of the investigation. The entertainer remains a very plausible suspect, and there's another person who I personally feel very strongly about it's someone who I've decided to bring back in

for one final strap up you're the final person to be strapped up so that's pretty special that's the breathing apparatus that's the breathing apparatus? Yeah, so if you start breathing differently. Tubing set as well? If you start going...

Yeah, if you start panting, that's a good alert. It's quite undefined, isn't it? Just like making you... I like how fun it is. Hank has been strapped up. He has willingly removed his clothes. Welcome, Hank, to your polygraph session. Skin galvanisation wraps on?

Yes. I think so. I mean, I don't know which one is which, so I'm assuming I have one. Pulse oximeter? That's that one. Pulse. That must be this one, I'm assuming.

And your breathing apparatus. My breathing apparatus is... Yeah. Can you breathe? I can breathe. This will be conclusive, and today we will find out what happened on the 11th of August 2018 in the bathroom that night where Henk spent most of his evening

receiving food and drinks from his little bitch, Kelly. Subject must agree to take exam by his or her free will or testing will not work. Do you agree? Yes. That means testing will work. Have we attached a breathing box around the abdomen of the subject with a belt? Yes.

Click the bad body language button if you notice leg movement, twitching, excessive blinking or other tells. I have to interrupt you already because I am an excessive blinker. Well, then I'll be clicking that button a lot. Get ready. It could be Morse code. Please remain perfectly still. This polygraph exam will detect lies. Are you a male?

Yes. Cut the tension with a knife. Your pulse is at plus plus, your skin galvanisation is at 100% and your breath jitter is at 5%. I have no idea what that means, but it sounds amazing. Okay, next question. Do people sometimes call you Henk? Yeah, basically only you. Henk. What do people call you?

Henk. You can do it. Henk. You say it like H-I-N-K. This is our favourite subject conversation. Try it just for Henk's sake, for the polygraph. Do it in the English way. Henk.

Well done. Nice one. Really well done. Oh, thanks, guys. Have you ever lied to avoid getting in trouble? Yes. Breath jitter, 4%. He just blinked quite a bit, FYI.

See, there you go. Next question. And can I just remind everyone, I shouldn't have to keep doing this, but for some reason you all forget every time, Karen. I don't make up these control questions I can't influence what they are Have you ever broken a law? Yes

Breath jitter zero Skin galvanisation 100% Pulse is plus plus, interesting Next question Have you ever felt angry yes should you be punished oh this is good should you be punished for anything you have done yes but i have been so it's fine. No, no, that's fine.

That's just a yes. Very interesting reaction. Yeah, I'm going to observe something there, I think. Oh boy. Click OK to calculate baselines. Next question. Do you enjoy feces? Yes.

Analyzing exam questions. Counting down. Breath jitter is at 20%. That is the highest I've ever seen breath jitter on this podcast. Next question. Did you clean up Kelly's feces at the wedding? No. I need to ask him.

I'm supposed to ask him that in the same tone and inflection. You did go for him a little bit with that question. Next question, Henk. Do you know who shat on the floor at the wedding? I do not. No. Sorry. No. If you shat... If you know who shat on the

floor, will you ever reveal it? If I know... Yes. If I know... If I shat on the floor, is that your question? If I know... If I shit on the floor, is that what your question? If you know who shit on the floor, will you ever reveal it? I ain't no snitch. I ain't no snitch.

Wow. Snitches get stitches. Strap the snitch! Wow. Snitches get snitches. Let's draft a snitch bet. Let's draft a snitch up! Exactly, I mean if I'm going to jail I don't want to go to jail as a snitch. Just saying. What is the problem? Why are you all going so weird? so weird.

Are you seeing the same thing? What are you doing? What the fuck? Yeah, you're being weird. Focus, please, everyone, especially Henk and especially Helen. Question. Will we ever become friends? Yes.

Did you plan the shit on the floor at the wedding? Plan or plant? Plan. Um, no. Don't pretend like you didn't hear what I said. That was clear. You were buying time. The machine has detected irregularities.

Okay. The exam is complete. Next. Use slider below to review exam. I love the slider. I can't. I can't handle it. Is everyone ready to find out the results of Henk's...

That's it already? There's no more? Free Henk! Henk is innocent! I was hoping for way more questions. Should you be punished for anything you have done? Yes. Oh, no, that's a control question.

It doesn't give us a result. That's fine. I'm sure that was correct. But what I took out of that is, just quickly, I know that I'm not the polygraph, but you should be punished. So, essentially, what you're saying is you deserve to go to jail for what you've done. No, no, no. Because not everything should be punished. So essentially what you're saying is you deserve to go to jail for what you've done.

No, no, no. Because not everything should be punished by going to jail. But most things get punished by jail. No, like for example, if you steal a cookie. This is not getting us anywhere. Sorry. Okay. Oh God.

The slide is not working. The computer's burning up and the slider isn't working. Do you, so the question was, do you enjoy faeces? You said yes, and that was the truth. Yeah, like I said, everyone does.

Well, the question was, did you clean up Kelly's faeces at the wedding? You answered no. That was the truth. So Kelly did not do it. Wow. Well, she might have done it, but he didn't.

I don't know. He might not have known. Yeah, but I wouldn't know if this is it. Get ready for 10 years in jail. Oh, boy. Okay. The question was, do you know who shat on the floor at the wedding?

You said no. It says undetermined. What does that mean? Why do you get a whole point of a polygraph? Undetermined. Undetermined. Undetermined. That is the first time I have seen that word in front of me,

and I have used this piece of software at least four times. Yeah, what can I say? Yeah. Undetermined, Henk. If you know who shat on the floor, will you ever reveal it? You said no. that was the truth yeah you are a massive question mark to me now even more than before would you i mean that's not cool if someone did it you don't get kind of rat out on people it just makes me feel like you

could have genuinely been lying to us this whole time you're being really truthful by saying no i would never tell you because i'm not a snitch. So I'm being fully truthful. So you can really trust me. We can trust you now, but everything you've said before this moment could be a lie. That is how you interpret it. See, these lie detectors are interpretable.

Actually, they're not. They're conclusive. You are a tricky customer. The question was, will we ever become friends? You said yes, and that was a lie. That's pretty concerning,

but I understand. It makes me believe the polygraph more than I did. Well, that was the end. Hang on a second. Did you,

sorry, I'm not, I apologise greatly if I wasn't paying attention. Did you actually ask him the main question, which was, did you shit on the floor

at Helen and Karen's wedding? Did you forget that one? I think you did. You forgot the main question. Whatever, if I answer yes now and it's a lie, then I'm clear forever. So we... That's your tits on the skin!

That's the main question! What was that time? Nice. I actually forgot the main question. Oh my God. So what do we do now? We need to quickly redo it. Keep this stuff on.

We just have to redo it. We just have to quickly redo it. Can I just say, I know I laughed and that was a really bad reaction. I just want to say I'm really supportive of you, detective, and I think you're doing a great job and that any detective could have made that mistake.

Sorry. I just saw you looking a bit sad and sorry. I'll shut up now because that didn't help. Okay, no, everything's going to be fine. Are you a male? Oh, it started again. Yes. Have you ever told a lie?

Yes. Shut down the heating down. Have you ever lied about something serious? Yes. Have you ever lied to a loved one? Yes. Who hasn't lied to a loved one? Everyone's lied to a loved one.

Have you ever used illegal drugs? Have I? Yes. Talk about it, because we were just having hemp seed in our salad. And in Thailand, I would have had to answer that question with yes. Yeah. We're not in Thailand. Stop trying to come across like a worldly man.

Okay, the final question, Henk. Shit question Was it you Who shat on the floor At the wedding The machine has detected Irregularities Okay Kink I'd like to ask you to just remain quiet Please because this is extremely important You slide

A below to review exam Oh my god I'm nervous I'm actually nervous What if I'm about to solve the crime Okay the slider's not working again Okay The question was Was it you who shat on the floor at the wedding

You said no That was the truth Yes I told you Free Freedom That was the truth. Yes. I told you. Shut up. Free. Freedom. Free Hank.

Free Hank. Free Hank. You know who did it. I don't know who did it. I think it's really clear. This polygraph test suggests that you know who did it, but you'd never brought them out. Right.

You just told us, and the polygraph exam has actually verified it, that you will not tell us for the rest of your life if you know who did it. So whatever you say now is irrelevant. You may not have committed the crime, but you may have assisted in the clean-up. Wow, that was spectacular detective work. What have we learned from our final polygraph strap-up session? We have learned that there is a very strong possibility

that Henk knows who committed the crime, but he will never reveal it to us. We decided to go back to Lindsay, our psychic, as it had been a couple of months since we last spoke to us. We decided to go back to Lindsay, our psychic, as it had been a couple of months since we last spoke to her. We needed to know why she was so, so specific with her explanation of Dolly Omologlu, yet we couldn't see a connection between Dolly and the crime. So we gave her a call, and she kept going on about someone called Chris. Chris. I just kept saying Chris, Chris.

And I'm asking him like, why Chris? Earlier in the episode, you may recall Lindsay revealing that she had the name Chris coming to her from her guides. However, Karen told us that the only Chris at the wedding was her dad. However, Karen told us that the only Chris at the wedding was her dad. Then, Karen revealed something to us. So, I've actually realised something, and I'm a little bit embarrassed about it,

because that's actually quite a big oversight, and I just have to let you know. Well, I just remembered that when we spoke to the psychic the first time, do you remember she mentioned she got a name Chris? Which was your dad probably. Well, yeah, I jumped to the conclusion that it was my dad because I went through um the wedding list I was like what Chris's were there because there's so many people there and you know people and plus ones that I wouldn't know so I was like let me just double check the

the list and you know when you're creating a wedding list that you put um down everyone's names and I asked Dolly Elmaloglu, do you want to bring a plus one? And she said yes, but at that time I don't think I knew exactly who it was. So I'd just literally written down plus one rather than the name of the person and I never got round to filling it. And I think when I sent the invite, I just sent it to Dolly Elmaloglu and her plus one

rather than putting a name. And then I actually realised that I do know the name, because I remember, obviously, since the wedding, I then knew who it was, and it was... His name was actually Chris. Chris. Dolly Elmaloglu's plus one. So we informed Lindsay about this.

Could it... Have you ever thought about Chris? It's the partner of this woman who... Chris is the partner of that woman? Was the partner at the time of the wedding. That woman being Dolly O'Maloglu. Could that be a possibility? Because obviously there's a link with

them two for my guides to, for my guides to then give me the name Chris linked to her. and it's been a while since we spoke so it's um i mean just so i know it's him i could just ask my guides just to give me like a bit of a an outlook on him would he have been fair-haired chris he like shaved his head so um it was a little hard to tell but he's got like sandy blondish hair yeah like blue eyes because i'm being shown like you know kind of blue eyes about lightish hair yeah he did have blue eyes yeah so when you ask me that question everything i get back is

chris and then um it keeps repeating in my mind so that's my guide saying that there could be something around chris and maybe that's why I had quite an accurate kind of um sense around this lady because like I said and I'm sure you'd be able to appreciate when you are sort of like tuning to energies there's so many energies so sometimes it can definitely get cross cross-linked um and if them two were together at the time that's really interesting that it's come back to Chris because it doesn't always, when you get a vision

or the guys tell you something and they describe this woman, is that quite normal that you were shown someone that the link to Chris rather than Chris? Oh, 100%. Yeah, 100%. Yeah, because their energy

will have been together at that time it's hard they'll give me so much and then i have to then sort of work out what they're giving me and then go with my my intuition so it's like it's a two-way thing if that makes sense so they're never going to say oh it was xyz and it was this just because whenever you get information from spirit world they're not physical it's and the ego's not there so it's just an energy I'm feeling so whether when I was picking up around um picking around this this woman and then obviously I've got Chris it could be the fact that these guys know who's done it or it could be like well Chris it's all him you know so Chris if he is if he was the one to commit the crime Hank yeah um who was the one who was in the ladies bathroom who cleaned up the feces

he said that there were no other men that came and went from the ladies bathroom but I suppose he could be lying well I think this is it's evident there's been a lot of lies, so definitely. Is there any chance you could ask your guides to just tune into this man, Henk? He's a film director. He's got quite long, greyish hair. He's a vegan, a really gentle soul. To just see, is he hiding some information from us? Does he know who did it? Let me just tune into his energy.

Has he got connections in America? Yeah, his girlfriend Kelly is American. Has he got a keen interest with animals and pets? A hundred percent. He campaigns for animal rights. so he's a full activist and he was quite well known for having this um little sausage dog that he would um carry with him everywhere um like even to bars and stuff um i'm definitely with him then because i've just been given that he's very into animals there's a real block when I'm asking him about what he knows.

Again, just to give you an idea about when you're working with energy, you know, if there's something that's shut off or it's private, no matter whether it's free, we'll not disclose that. So say, for example, if I've got someone I'm working with and they've got depression, there'll only be so much I can draw from them because they're closed down. So that's sort of like that's a shutdown so like I'm being able to feel his energy and pick up things around him but when I keep asking guys to ask about what he knows it's like I just cannot get through that energy it's like a barrier. Does that mean he's blocking

you from getting that information? 100% yeah what What a block means energy-wise is like, say, for example, and again, because I'm doing distant readings, you see, so I'm not in his auric field. I'm actually connecting through your aura to get bits of him. So when I'm asking my guides to give me information about him, he has to come forward. He'd have to have a reason for me to access that information does that make sense me darling that makes perfect sense um it's yeah that's why it's a little bit like oh i'm a bit stuck now with the information that i've given

what we got you basically what you just said about hank is what we got back from the lie detector that we did on him that he was shut down and he was protecting this person and he would never tell us who did it yeah we got a result from the lie detector and determined was what we got from him when we asked him and so that was if he knows who it was who shit on the floor so what i'm getting really strongly and it is quite strong and my cue for something that is strong is it's repetitive and what I keep getting quite strong from spirit and actually showing me as a visual is to show me a grave in my mind and then I'm also getting the repetitive words that they're going to take this to the grave and with it being repetitive it means that they are not going to budge like whoever's

done this this is and whoever knows who's done this is they just cannot get leaked and so i really strongly feel that they are 100 taking this to the grave will lauren our detective actually crack this case and find out who did it i feel lauren you have to go on your gut. My gut is telling me that we need to find Chris. Step one to finding Chris, get permission from Dolly Elmaloglu to contact him. Hello. Hi. hello hi okay so are you sitting down because i've got a bit of i've got a bit of information to finally reveal to you go on i'm sitting ready i'm ready okay so there's a reason why we've been interested in you in this podcast. And I don't, we haven't been honest with you yet to show you, to tell you the reason why.

You are fully off the hook. I'm going to start by saying that. We had a session with a regressive psychic. that psychic basically described you to the most ridiculous level of detail, down to what you were wearing, down to your job, down to your physique. That first regressive psychic session, this is where you can, I be i want to make sure this is the where the ask the request comes from it was um so when regressive psychics they don't necessarily they tune in to people that were connected to someone involved in the question that they're trying to

answer and so it's not necessarily the person who did it, but they would get someone that's very close to that person. And he said on that first call, the name that keeps on coming back to me is Chris. Stop it. Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris. And I just didn't think about your plus one. Oh. No. And so I just wanted to ask you if you are comfortable with me calling him. You absolutely have to follow the lead.

Do you give us permission to contact your plus one? I do. I'm not in contact with him anymore. You know that. I know. I know you're not one? I do. I'm not in contact with him anymore. You know that. I know. I know you're not.

Go ahead. But I just want to know what he said to the question to be honest of did you shit on the floor at our wedding? Dolly Elmaloglu has finally done something good for once.

She has given us official permission to contact her plus one, Chris. Hello, my name's Chris and I attended Helen and Karen's wedding as a plus one. I'll be interrogating you today, so I hope you're ready.

She can get quite nasty, so prepare yourself. Like, just, you know, be on your toes. After about the middle of dinner, I can't remember very much that's my defense cool let's just dive straight in if that's all good what do you remember from the wedding um i remember getting on in the sunshine and getting off in the dark is that it i remember um a lot of entertaining people.

Do I remember? Did I dream it? A man in a pineapple suit, some very good speeches. And, oh, there was a band. Was there a band?

There was a band. Was there a band? There was a band, yeah. I have a picture of me and the guy with the big twirling moustache with smoking a pipe and with his hand covered in tattoos. Listeners, I do not want to alarm you, but the man he is referring to is the entertainer. It was like, I have no idea how people kind of just didn't fall overboard, really, with the amount they drank. So because there was actually the opportunity for an early drop off at 9.30. So if you were feeling like you were a bit overwhelmed you had consumed a bit too much for example

like a lot of people had you could have actually jumped off the boat at 9.30 but you chose not to I don't think my girlfriend at the time who I was her partner at the wedding would have approved that would have been far too early anyway you know that was like

there's a big middle ground between 9.30 and 3am. So what do you remember from after dinner? It was a very good dinner. And I would say that we were over-served. When you say that you were over-served, are you referring to the lasagna or the alcohol? Oh, the alcohol. Yeah. I was over-served lasagna, you were over-served alcohol. You proactively searched down an extra serving, and that was a very different thing. I was over-served. Well, actually, but...

Yeah. So you were maybe a little bit drunk? Just a smidgen, I'd say, yeah. Have you ever sleepwalked? No. As a child, did you ever sleepwalked? No. As a child did you ever sleepwalk? No. The reason I am asking him this question about sleepwalking is because there have been a handful of witness reports stating that he was having a nap just before the window of the crime. Could he have been sleepwalking

when he shat on the floor? You have never once in your life sleepwalked? No. So when you went downstairs to the bathroom during the wedding, downstairs to the bowels of the boat, do you remember if you turned left or right? Left. Stay calm, listeners. If you turn left at the bottom of the stairs,

you go left to the ladies' bathroom where the crime was committed. And if you could go back in time, would you change anything about your behaviour from that day? Most things, probably, yeah. Like what? Yeah, I might have got off at 9 30. Chris did you or did you not shit on the floor at a wedding I don't think so is there any chance have you ever done something like that you know after consuming champagne and lasagna is that anything that you would normally do no it isn't isn't. It really isn't.

Are you hiding who actually sat on the floor? Do you know who sat on the floor and are you hiding it? I have absolutely no idea. Like, I really don't know. I'd go for one of the band. Oh, really? Why would you say that? I don't know.

I reckon, like, you know, think about all the people you know. You know everybody who went to the wedding. I guess there's guests like me who you don't know so well. But you kind of know that most people are fairly down the line. You know nothing about the band. The person you said you had a moment with, we call him the entertainer, the man with the twirly moustache. I would love to know if there was anything you saw about the entertainer's behaviour that night that made you raise your eyebrows or question anything. No, not really. I've got my profile picture on Facebook. Bizarrely is me and him smoking a pipe.

Could you check the timestamp of that photo? Could I check the timestamp? I can tell you when I reckon it was probably about 11-ish. OK, so it was dark. Yeah, he was still standing. If you could say anything to the perpetrator, what message would you give to that person? if you could say anything to the perpetrator, what message would you give to that person? You can have the runs, but you can't hide.

I've got a fucking massive update and I'm sorry I'm a little bit drunk because it's late at night and I just had to squeal and I had to force you all to come onto this recording because I can't handle what is happening. down breathe what's going on so I check out this picture on Facebook and let me just describe it it's a picture at the back of the boat can you just send it to me while we're talking and just so I can say it yeah let me send it to you have you got it yeah okay it's it's like a close-up of them it's like it's a close-up of them being friends they're also firstly they're hugging the entertainer and chris and the

entertainer are in a really intense embrace quite close to the camera. It's more of a huddle, I would say. It's a huddle to be in the same frame. We have posted this incriminating profile picture on our Instagram stories at who shat on the floor at my wedding. It's a little bit blurred out, but you get the gist. Chris is looking like he's trying to be James Bond, like really eyeing the camera.

And the entertainer's smoking a pipe, looking really intensely in a quite psychotic way towards the camera lens. And that's not just everything. It's weird in itself that two of our massive suspects have suddenly just been connected together on a weird profile picture. And then I was just about to close down the window when I saw this Facebook profile picture and I saw the comments what and okay so I'm just going to read through there's a guy what just what just tell me I'm just I can't I'm sorry I've got to calm down there's a guy a random guy called Russ that says, is this a new Guy Ritchie movie poster?

I mean, they look good, but not that good. Anyway, and then Chris, our suspect Chris, responds saying, pipe, tash, and two smoking turds. What? And two smoking turds. What? Pipe, tash, and two smoking turds. Turds.

Turds. Are you fucking kidding me? I don't know what to say. I don't know what that means. I mean, they clearly consider themselves to be turds, or maybe they're holding a terrible, terrible secret. But they're smoking, so I get the smoking thing. Like, one of them's got a pipe.

I get the smoking thing, but I'm like, if you're trying to do a play on the words of lock, stock and two smoking barrels, is that the guy with the richie reference? Yeah. I mean, smoking turds is just really off the wall. Turds tend not to smoke. They tend to steam, I think. Turds.

Yeah, and there was only one turd, wasn't there? Oh, my God. And when was this comment, when did he have this comment about turds? Really strange timing as well. So it was on the 11th of October 2020. So that's like over two years after the wedding. What's so weird about it, when you look at the photo, it's like they're bros and they're in on it together

because they're both looking really dramatically at the camera. And it's just, I don't know. I don't know what, I actually don't know what to do with this. I feel sick looking at this because look at the way they're looking down the lens of the camera, like they're looking right into my eyes saying it was us. Is it possible that the suspect of this crime has stood in front of me and looked me straight in the eye? I may never know and there is a deeply unsettling feeling. Could it have been

Chris and the entertainer? We have to consider the possibility that there is more than one culprit, or more than one person in on it. A lot of crimes cannot be successfully executed by just one person. This is a serious and sophisticated crime, so it is not beyond the realms of possibility that there was a team on the ground that day. of possibility that there was a team on the ground that day. If Chris turned left at the bottom of the stairs, he turned left to a certain somebody's favourite room. That favourite room would be the ladies' bathroom and that certain somebody would be Henk. I did notice one of the guests,

Hank, spent most of the evening stood at the entrance of the ladies' toilets talking to everyone. I'd say for like four hours, maybe something like that, five hours. What the fuck was he doing in there? Why would he want to spend hours in the ladies' bathroom? It seems a very odd behaviour. I think Hank felt that he was rescuing the ladies.

I just think he was a hero. Anybody who's gonna get down, hunch over that poop and clean it up and make sure that people get it on their night shoes is a decent folk. I've noticed that you post a lot about... When you posted a photo of a toilet on the 23rd of January 2018 with the caption, prepare yourself, the shit's about to hit. What did you mean? Yes.

Do you love your girlfriend? I do, very much. If you know who shat on the floor, will you ever reveal it? I ain't no snitch! I ain't no snitch! Maybe Henk and Chris shared a little snack in the bathroom.

Lindsay the psychic told me to go with my gut. My gut tells me to lock Henk up for 10 years unfortunately I don't have the power or qualifications to do that so instead I will work on befriending Henk and I will spend the next 30 to 40 years of my life trying to grind him down until he cracks it is extremely likely that Henk, as the person who cleaned the crime scene,

is protecting someone. Henk is a film director, and a lot of his commercial work comes from advertising. Amsterdam is small, and everyone in the industry knows each other. If Henk is protecting Chris, a creative director who is very likely to give him work at some point in the industry knows each other. If Henk is protecting Chris, a creative director who is very likely to give him work at some point in the future,

Henk would not be able to soil that relationship by leaking the fact that Chris had actually soiled on the floor at the wedding. Or was it our favourite criminal mastermind? The person who proactively reached out to me one year ago saying, I have information. That same person constructed a very elaborate fake identity. You know, in my time, I've visited Turkey a lot.

And conveniently added the word log to her last name. Dolly Elmaloglu. Here is the very first response I got to that email. The subject line is, I have information. Is it anything to do with weddings or with shitting or flaws? Contact me to find out. So Dolly, let's be honest, that's not your actual name. She demanded a fake identity.

If I am honest, it screams guilty. Have you ever met a criminal mastermind in person? Does Dolly show any symptoms of a criminal mastermind in your opinion? Yes. She is so glamorous. She's the last person you'd ever expect. Dolly, Elmer Logg, Lou. I've never got that. Oh, clever. Logg, Lou. I just realised

the Lou as well. I didn't. Or was Dolly just the connection? She connected us to Chris. Chris. Chris. I just kept saying Chris, Chris. and I'm like, why Chris? I have a picture of me and the guy with the big 20.

Do you remember if you turned left or right? Left. You go left to the ladies' bathroom where the crime was committed. Chris, did you or did you not shit on the floor at our wedding? I don't think so. Pipe, tash, and two smoking turds. He did it, that's for sure. Dolly connected us to Chris

and then Chris connected us all the way back to one of the most suspicious and criminal characters of this entire case, the entertainer. The thing that threw me was that the culprit had actually skidded in the last one that they'd dropped. It was provided with a photograph. Dark leather, brogue-style shoes, brownish discolouration on the toe.

I mean, I think we can all agree that it's a very dirty shoe. It's a very dirty business. And it's a very dirty pitch. It's a very dirty business. And it's a very dirty patch. Who's wearing the shoe with the patch? It's hired to be one of the entertainers. They've all redacted him. Karen and Helen received several

complaints. Karen has been completely mad, you know, and it's getting crazier and crazier. Some mornings you would just be smashing plates on the floor for no reason, you know, and it's getting crazier and crazier. Some mornings you would just be smashing plates on the floor for no reason, you know. Answer me this. Did you or did you not shit on the floor at our wedding? I didn't shit on the floor at your wedding. I did not.

No. Imagine you meet the love of your life. You choose to devote yourself to this one person. You want to get married and you want to share this love with the world. You carefully select 100 of your nearest and dearest, your inner circle, to share that special day with you. And then something bad happens. I mean, I'm not going to say if you had like a checklist of things that you wanted at your wedding,

you know, fireworks, cake, you know. Bride. Bride. Band. I was like, I'm third down the list. And you're after cake. Fair enough. Then shit on the floor is one of the tick boxes. I'm not going to tick that box, to be frank.

It's impossible to start from scratch. You cannot replace your friends, and you certainly can't replace your family. How do you live knowing that one of your favourite people did this to you? You have to live with the fact that the pooper traitor is out there in our inner circle, hiding amongst our closest friends and family. Knowing that the person who did this to you has

stolen your special day away from you. Your wedding, the one day where feces probably shouldn't be the key takeaway. My memories of the day, the reality is this has overshadowed what I remember from the day I got married to you. The poop is bigger than the wedding. It's become, I think, the memories I would have had if there was no shoes on the floor would have been, you know, those amazing moments I shared with you and the friends and you know the first clink of the champagne glasses when we said our I do's but those memories to me feel like they're fading out and being blown distantly into becoming just grey memories I can't remember as much because the amount of airtime we've given to what happened in that bathroom that now when I'm asked how was

your wedding if someone didn't know about the podcast, my mind would go to Henk and the entertainer and the ladies' bathroom. And that is the overriding thing that I take away now when someone makes me think about our wedding. And are you pleased about this? No, I don't think that's a great, it's not a great outcome.

So I'm like, I'm seeing, yeah, it's been fun, guys. It's been fun. But yeah, overall, it's... I'm glad we have seeing yeah it's been fun guys it's been fun but yeah overall it's uh I'm glad we have the same opinion yeah because I wondered actually if you might say you love that it happened and you love that the podcast came and that's totally cool no I don't think it's okay to think like you're happy one of your happiest days of your life it's uh you know you sullied it's sullied yeah but I think the way we the way we move forward from this is yeah it's it's it's weird because we have got we know it's someone from our inner circle and we haven't caught

them and you and I are going to have to live with the fact that every friend's house that we go to to visit every dinner party we go to, every christening with family, every funeral, every moment where you spend with your loved ones and friends, we'll have those moments where we just look at someone and we're like, it could have been you. We do not know the motive behind this crime, but we have to assume that a motive at a wedding, a place of joy, unity and love, is a positive motive. Could it have been a faecal celebration of love? The French word merde does not just mean shit, it also means good luck.

It dates back to the 19th century when rich people came to the theatre and opera house in horse-drawn carriages. The more shit that paved the entrance to the opera, the more successful the show, which is why people wish to shit on theatre producers and performers. Could this shit have been a message of love? People do show love and affection in very strange ways. Kids are often mean to other kids they have crushes on. A boy once threw a rock at me and it later transpired that he had a crush on me. Is it possible that a shit on the floor at a wedding is actually a sign of love? Who shat on the floor at my wedding is now officially a cold case

Unless new evidence comes to light in which case we'll be back And yes, I will be attending all of Helen and Karen's major life events and parties to monitor the crowd If someone shits I'll be watching