Who Shat On The Floor At My Wedding? And Other Crimes - S1 E5 Who shat on the floor at my wedding? 'Comedy joke shop turd'

Episode Date: December 24, 2020

The team grill another key witness in their interrogation chambers, and grow increasingly uneasy as they discover that this week’s witness statement contradicts the story they heard in Episode 2. Who is lying and who is telling the truth? In an act of desperation the detective attempts to use unorthodox methods to force a confession. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Previously on Who Shat on the Floor at My Wedding Nicolette came down to the toilets with me. As you walked into the toilets, the sinks were on the right and then you had two cubicles on the left and then one at the end. Henk was obviously just inside the doorway talking to people. I think he might have even had his chips at this point. No, he wouldn't have had his chips then. Chips were later.

Chips were later. And I went to the one at the end and you opened the door and the toilet was on the left-hand side. I think it was like three nuggets. But the third nugget had been skidded in. Welcome to episode five of Who Shat on the Floor at My Wedding. Right, so let's do a recap. Okay, so in episode 2 we interrogated Emma. Emma said that she discovered the faecal matter.

She said that she found three dollops, she referred to them as nuggets, just inside one of the cubicles. She claims that she was with a fellow bridesmaid called Nicolette. And Nicolette is who we will be interrogating today. We need to see if we can corroborate Emma's story. But before we do that, let's just quickly reflect on what happened when we went back to the scene of the crime last week. Karen, you physically got down on your hands and knees, you got into the cubicle, you were on the floor in the cubicle and you re-enacted what you saw

Henk doing when you actually found him in the ladies' bathroom on your wedding night, scooping up faecal matter. Something didn't seem right about Emma's witness statement. There's no way that those nuggets were inside the cubicle. There was just not enough space for him to get in the cubicle in front of the poo and clean it up, so it had to be outside of the cubicle. I will just say, just to recap on how the return to the crime scene went,

I think we stooped to a low that I never want to return to in this podcast investigation, and I just want to call it out. Wow. When you crawled into the cleaning cupboard in the ladies' bathroom and you unearthed a plastic bag. OK, I'm just going to get into this cleaning cupboard. OK, this plastic bag looks like it's been here for numerous years. It's some sort of...

Oh, it's a filter. Yeah. It's a filter for the hoover. Right, it's not important. Like a wild goose chase, wasn't it, really? Yeah. OK, how about we don't dwell on the past and focus on the interrogation at hand?

Tell me a little bit about Nicolette before she arrives. She's a good friend of mine. I've known her for, I don't know, like 10 years at least, something like that. And she's a good person. She's someone that you can trust. She's always ready for a laugh, I would say that. But I don't know whether that extends all the way to shitting on the floor. She's older.

She's an older woman. It's a very touchy subject. Yeah, can we not include that? Well, in this case, we have to consider age as a potential motive in shitting on the floor. Not necessarily a motive, but more just a consequence of age. A cause. Slack-aged bowels. Is that what you're saying?

Well, I don't know. I just feel like when you're a young child you shit yourself and when you're an old person you shit yourself that's how life goes. The circle of life. Exactly. Can I ask a question? So you see I think you said that there was a difference in the two stories between the story of Emma and the story

of Nicolette. Can you remember what the inconsistency was? Let's remember that I'm also a key witness I saw the faeces in question Why do I have it fixed in my head that there are two different stories? Because I don't remember it being three dollops, but then again, I didn't really look at it in detail. So, you know, I can understand there would be three, but my... You sound like you were just a headless chicken in a stressful situation.

You fell to pieces. She was marrying you. What do you expect? The word on the straight is that suspects one and two have differing stories yeah i don't know where that came from though i don't know why we think this the straight they've been colluding then do you think they've been discussing this behind our backs no sounds i don't think anyone cares about this podcast what the grass code was oh she's here this is Who Shat on the Floor at My Wedding, interrogation number three. Subject, Nicolette.

Did you enjoy the wedding? I would use it. I'll suppose that just you. There was some feces found later that night. If I ever get married, I will not be inviting a single person down that way. And when did you first learn about the shit on the floor? Nicolette.

Who? Explain it to me. Do you remember? I didn't say you did it. My name is Nicolette. I know Helen and Karen through many drunken nights. We met at a wake. We met at a wake, properly at a wake.

Yeah, we did. And found out that we were buying the house that was... Over the back fence. Over the back fence from each other. And as we used to say, we could crawl home on our elbows. From each other's house. So you'd go around, have a few drinks, and it's like so close we could crawl on our elbows to get home again. Why would you use your elbows?

Did you enjoy the wedding? I loved it. So it started off on the boat. I was on the welcoming table helping check people in. And were you doing that with anyone else or was that just you? Oh, I think I was doing that with Emma. So the two of us were partners in crime there. Okay.

Emma, the suspect one, actually referred to herself as door bitch when she referred to that role she played as security is that something you would call yourself as well a bitch no not really I think that's just Emma May carving out a role for herself really what was your favorite part of the wedding day I loved it all the food was wonderful the company because because everyone's such a good group of friends and because they love these guys, everybody there was just amazing and fun to talk to. So, yeah, it was really special.

You're painting an absolutely perfect picture of the day, which is ironic considering there were some faeces found later that night. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. And that brings me on to my next question, which is what was your least favourite part of the wedding and why? Finding a shit on the floor

But the point is at weddings you're not looking for anything abnormal You normally think that someone might get a little drunk But this was a very classy affair Was it? Up until a point And are you going to look at weddings a bit differently now, Nicolette? Depends who's there. I tell you, if anybody from the crowd who was at this wedding was there, then yes.

Anything could happen. Anything could happen. If I ever get married, I will not be inviting a single person from that day. And that will involve not inviting some very good friends of mine, but that's just the price you pay. Unless, of course, you discover who did it. That is a very great point and that is why we're here today Nicolette. I'm enjoying interviewing you.

To salvage your wedding, that's why we're here. Well yes. Would you prefer to have a mediocre wedding without the shit on the floor or a perfect wedding with the shit on the floor? I'll take the fucking excellent wedding with the shit on the floor. I'll take the fucking excellent wedding with a shit on the floor, actually. Have you ever shat on the floor of a boat?

On the floor of a boat? No. Have you ever thought about shitting on the floor of a boat? No. Have you ever dreamt about shitting on the floor of a boat? No. Have you ever sht about shitting on the floor of a boat? No Have you ever shat? Yes So you received an invite to the wedding

Because you were at the wedding Well, invites pushing it slightly Is it? It is In what way? Hey wait, no Because Pipe down Helen

There were kind of invites that did go out But I have to say I think I'm a really good friend of Helen's. And Emma piped up, oh, Karen's asked to be bridesmaid at the wedding. And I remember feeling just a little downtrodden that she'd been asked and I hadn't been asked. asked and then a couple of weeks later um Helen kind of said but you do know that you're a bridesmaid at the wedding and I'm like no you never asked me and she's like well you're just my peeps of course you're my bridesmaid she did not say peeps she did say peeps so Emma got a beautiful handwritten letter from Karen and I just got well, you should have known because you're my peeps. She did assume her peeps all got the memo just telepathically, which is strange for a grown woman to A, call people peeps, and B, assume that they can just read her mind.

She's not a child. She's certainly acting like one. And when did you first learn about the shit on the floor? Now, Emma and I have discussed this, and this was a while ago, but I thought I was at the lead of the party who'd gone down to discover this. So I can't remember exactly who was in the group. I think it was myself, Emma, Hank. And I just remember walking through the door of the ladies' toilets

and the sinks were to the right. That's right. And then ahead of me, on the floor, in one of the stalls, stalls, stools, in one of the stools. Stool or stall? Stall. What's a stool? Stool.

And so there was this perfectly kind of shaped like almost comedy shit wait a minute now like the turd emoji like a turd emoji i'm looking at going is that a shit on the floor and so and then i can't remember whether emma went in or and and i was backing off by then, because that kind of stuff, I'm sorry, I'm just a bit... So you were backing off, Emma was backing off, but Henk was drawn closer, like a moth to a flame.

I think Henk felt that he was rescuing the ladies from this disgusting thing that had happened. It's quite an odd, chivalrous act, isn't it, to feel the need to, when everybody's running away from the turd, to want to run towards the turd. I found it very chivalrous, but the truth is I would have just walked off anyway

and denied having seen it. I wasn't going to go and call someone to get it cleaned up. It was like, there are other people here, someone else can deal with this shit. Where were you when all this was going down? I came down, I would say it must have been about at least five minutes after nick walked away because i came in when the chivalrous as nick calls him hank was actually cleaning up was hunched over the shit he was almost yeah he was in this he was hunched over and he was

pretty much dealing possibly the last piece of it uh getting rid of it. So, well, yeah, about five minutes after, I'd reckon. Nicolette, I am going to ask you to draw where you saw the poo on the floor plan of the boat. Of course. Oh, yes. So I think it was just here. Um, so I think it was just hair. Okay, for our listeners, Nicolette has just marked on the floor plan where she thinks the fecal matter was found. And she's also alluding to it being just inside the cubicle on the end, which is interesting to say the least. Do you remember the consistency? Okay, put it this way. If somebody else hadn't gone in afterwards and cleaned it up

and actually said that it was what it was, I would have thought from the distance I saw it from that it was a comedy joke shop turd. I mean, you asked for honesty, so... Yeah, exactly. That's exactly what I need from you, Nicola. Honesty. And that is why it's really upsetting me that your description of the turd is very different to the previous witness.

Statement who you claim to be friends with. Explain that to me. As I said, she may well have got closer than I did. The environment is getting a little tense now. I'm just feeling a thickening of the atmosphere. I think the detective has changed the tone a little bit. I don't know. Detective has changed the tone because detective has just suddenly realised that there's a difference between nuggets and fake joke turds. So I just think it's important that we really need to trust our witnesses and we need to trust

our suspects. Well, actually we don't, they're suspects. We need to trust our witnesses and we need to trust our suspects. Well, actually we don't, they're suspects. We need to trust our witnesses and you're a witness. And I just need to verify that you're physically up to scratch to be a witness. So do you mind if I get you to perform a simple test? Of course. Karen, unveil the test. Karen, unveil the test So Karen's just going to take the mirror off the wall She's unveiling the test

So as you can probably see Nicolette This is an eye test If you could just read out the letters for me Starting from the top A O E H L A N T C O H L A O T I D I D I T

I did it. Did you just say you did it? I did say I did it. That's the test that I'm reading on the wall. Sorry, you... You're not leading the witness at all, are you? I don't know whether we can take this confession. Well, also, we don't want to because that would mean the podcast the wall. Sorry, you... You're not leading the witness at all, are you? I don't know whether we can take this confession. Well, also, we don't want to

because that would mean the podcast is over. True. Yeah, maybe we didn't think this one through. Come on. Why should we believe that it wasn't you that shat on the floor? I was wearing a Victoria Beckham dress and it's quite floaty

and there's no way I'm going to shit in a Victoria Beckham dress on the floor quite floaty and there's no way I'm gonna shit in a Victoria Beckham dress on the floor I'm sorry wait a minute if anybody knew what I was like with my clothes and whatever else they'd know that you just don't do things like that would you say that you're a football fan Nicolette oh here she goes it's a difficult question um I have become a football fan um after being with Simon for so long so now I do a fantasy football team um and I've beaten Simon quite a few seasons in a row I mean I'd say that's a football fan so let me move on to the next question are you aware that Victoria Beckham the you know the maker of your dress is married to a famous footballer? Beckham. And do you know which team he's famously associated with?

Man United. Well done. And which team does your boyfriend support? Liverpool. Interesting. So they're rivals really, aren't they? So when you say you wouldn't shit in a Victoria Beckham dress, could there be a motive there

for shitting all over Manchester United in theory? I'm actually, now I'm realising why we needed to enlist, after that line of questioning, I know why we had to enlist Laura and Kilby. Trust me, there are easier ways to find motives. After you then, Detective Laura and Kilby. A potential line of inquiry, as I am a detective, was I kind of, I had a discussion with some other detectives and we

worked out that potentially if you were wearing a long flowy dress and not wearing underwear, you could have shat whilst walking and no one would have noticed. So my question earlier before you arrived at the interrogation was simply, was she wearing a tight or a flowy dress? And Helen said that it was extremely tight, possibly putting pressure on your bowels, and pretty sure you weren't wearing underwear. So inappropriate. The thing I would most like to see from this bit is, you know when they do like the reconstructions so based on the research

that your detectives have done I want to see this reconstruction of how you could have just walked through tight or loose I'm really quite I think the reconstruction would be great but I'm just looking forward to that bit that you can just do it while you're walking in a dress

Well you'll need to work out if it's easier to do it while you're walking in a dress and yeah well you all need to work out if it's easier to do it whilst you're wearing a long flowy dress or a tight victoria beckham number that squeezes your bowels can i just cut in here one second and can you just look me in the eye for a second very ham-fisted with these questions look me in the eye are you paying attention answer me this did you or did you not shit on the floor at our wedding i didn't shit on the floor at your wedding and the didn't shit on the floor at your wedding. And the only thing I would say to end is that I guess this just shows that truth is always stranger than fiction.

So what do we think? Do you think she's innocent or do you think she's guilty? Innocent, Your Honour. I will say that also being a witness, I concur more with her description of the matrimonial turd. It was slightly misshapen, but it was comical.

It was like an absolute classic turd. So the way she described it, I was like, bang on, that's what I wrote. Right, right, right. So it resonated with you. Absolutely. Yeah, get it? That's beautiful.

Oh my God, it's from him. He's ready. Okay, we have just received a text message that contains a very good piece of information. I would almost call this a breakthrough. Henk has finally agreed to come in for questioning. So next week, we will be interviewing Henk, the man who was seen in the ladies' bathroom

for four hours during the wedding, receiving food and drinks. That really bothers you, doesn't it? That really gets to me. And the man who also cleaned up the shit, which is a kind of important bit of information. Exactly. Found at the scene of the crime,

caught brown-handed, horrible pun, but it's the truth. And yeah, he's got a lot of answering to do. Up next on Who Shat on the Floor at My Wedding. It's funny, you go through the wedding, you've just told us what happened at the wedding, but you missed quite arguably the entire point of why you're here today,

which is the fact that you decided it was a good idea to kneel down and scoop up human poo. I thought you guys were clutching at straws somewhat, but now I see these pages and pages and pages. We're not. This is proper evidence. I'm honestly shocked and alarmed. And I just don't know how to deal with this.

I actually have no words for this. I thought I knew Hink.