Who Shat On The Floor At My Wedding? And Other Crimes - S3 E1 Fecal Fugitive - Part One

Episode Date: July 30, 2025

A dream wedding in the woods takes a filthy turn when a guest leaves more than just memories behind. With the cops refusing to investigate, the detectives race to unmask the poopetrator. Was it the wedding bean obsessed brother-in-law? A bridesmaid in political sweatpants? There’s only one way to find out, and it may or may not follow standard police procedure. Part two will be releasing on August 14th. Follow the episode evidence on Instagram @whoshatontheflooratmyweddingSound design: @juanthummler Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

9-1-1 what's your emergency? Something horrible happened to me someone shat on the wall at my wedding. Oh you've got the wrong department ma'am this is the police we deal with real crimes hang on I'll transfer you to someone who can help. Karen. Karen. Okay, I've got it. Get the phone. Karen, pick up the phone. Okay, I'm gonna go. Give me one second, I'm just finishing my first get. Honestly, Karen.

Hi there, it's Assistant to the Detective Karen Whitehouse here. How can I help? Hi, I have a crime to report. Someone shat on the wall at my wedding. Oh, okay, I'm gonna have to patch you through to the lead detective for this kind of case. Hold the line. Phone rings Ahem.

Phone rings Alright, here we go. This is Detective Lauren Kilby speaking. How may I help you? Welcome to our brand new series. When the Cops Say No, We Say Yes. This is Detective Lauren Kilby reporting semi-live from our Underground Detective Agency. I'm here with assistant to the detective, Karen Whitehouse. This season we're launching the world's first speed-solving detective service. Each episode we're going to take on a new non-crime crime

submitted by one of our lovely listeners. We'll meet them, hear their story, and present back our groundbreaking theories in an attempt to crack the case. Part detective show, part game show, part panicky race. This is when the cops say no, we say yes. So you phoned into our hotline this morning Andrea, saying that someone shat on a wall at your wedding. Yes.

Can you tell me what happened? My husband and I got married in Wisconsin and had a wedding in my parents' house. They live on like 30 acres of land in the woods of Wisconsin. It was in September, September 4th, 2016. The wedding was primarily outdoors. The garage area was like open for food and drinks. Then we had like a DJ and dancing and karaoke in the driveway. The guest list, it was supposed to be 50 people, but then we kept adding people. So I think it was maybe between 50 and 80 people. It was small. The wedding, I thought, was fun and went without a hitch. But I think it was a couple months later, my dad let me know

in kind of a weird roundabout way that someone had shat all over the wall at the wedding. Oh! Okay, Andrea. The woods that they live in is bordered by a river and there were so many mosquitoes that it was at one point during the wedding ceremony when I looked at my husband there are five mosquitoes on his face. Did you wipe those off or did you just let him get stung? I was debating whether I should slap him in the face during the ceremony but then I tried to like romantically caress his face while killing some mosquitoes.

The mosquitoes were bad enough that like some of the guests when they were leaving kind of early were just like there are way too many mosquitoes. Can we just imagine? Can we go back to the moment of you very slowly and tenderly, but quite firmly crushing the bodies of mosquitoes along his smooth shaven cheek? Yeah, and just doing little quick slaps. Quick little romantic slaps just to finish the job. And then he's left with dead mosquitoes all over his face.

That's why I also thought, in addition to the bad optics of me slapping him in the face while we were saying our vows, I also thought the wipe would help so that there weren't corpses all over his face for the remainder of the ceremony. But under the shirt, there'd be her bloody mosquito massacre. Where the mosquito story was coming from is that people were leaving early and I think

based on the description my dad gave me, it seems like something that would have happened really late in the night. The mosquitoes drove most of the guests away early, and in doing so have helped us narrow down the suspect pool, which nearest and dearest family members and friends stayed late into the night up until the crime occurred. The other people that stayed really late were my best friend, her sister, who's also a friend of mine.

My sister, my brother-in-law, my niece and nephew were there until my sister actually drove us to where we were staying. My brother-in-law, my brother-in-law Tom, was so drunk he passed out on some chairs but then he got his second wind and participated until the end. Who is your number one suspect? My best friend. My best friend Tatiana. When I told her about this investigation we were launching

and I told her what happened, her first comment to me was, Oh my God, was it me? I laughed and I was like, No, I don't think it was you. You weren't even on my suspect list. But then I was like, no, I don't think it was you. You weren't even on my self-spec list. But then I was going through old budding pictures and I noticed she changed her outfit by the end of the night. She had changed out of her bridesmaids dress.

She claims it was because it was in the backyard and she was wearing four inch heels. Her sweats were like political sweats and it was before the election and she was like excited. But it did get me thinking like, huh, you're like the only person that changed their clothes. So sorry, she went from a bridesmaid dress to what exactly? Political sweatpants? Yeah, to political sweatpants.

What do you mean political sweatpants? What are you saying? Wearing appropriate political sweet bits. By that time it was really late, so wedding appropriate was... Out the window. Out the window. I think that's like during the time my brother-in-law was passed out on the chairs. I mean the main thing is it's not intentional.

You know sometimes you can plan an outfit change, especially as like a bride. You'd be like, okay, I'm gonna have the glamorous one for the ceremony and then I'm gonna have like the party, like more fun, comfortable dress. She was so into her political views that she did bring that on purpose to change into. Okay.

Interesting, we're gonna have to look into that. She also asked if she could get an interview if she would confess. So that also made me suspicious. If she would get an interview that she might confess. Yeah, if she could be interviewed for the podcast. So she wants fame, she wants to podcast fame and she's going to confess. This is what I'm very concerned about.

False confessions out of people just wanting attention. Because that's not cloaked with for you Andrea, we want to get you closure. Yeah, but we've got a lie detector test. We do have an online lie detector, yes, that's okay, we can do that. And who was your second suspect? So when I first heard about this crime, I suspected my sister's husband, my brother-in-law.

Just due to his level of intoxication. And he's the one that went to sleep and then woke up and continued partying. Yeah. Oh, and that's the other thing. My brother-in-law loves my mom's wedding beans. My mom makes these really good beans. Beans.

That's classic. Yeah. Oh, beans. I mean, that's a classic. Could have been a fatal mistake. That bean choice, what kind of bean? Kidney? I don't know how she makes some.

But what beans? We're gonna have to speak, we're gonna need that recipe. They're like baked beans. Facilitating the serving of baked beans may have been slightly problematic, I will say. We're about to speak to your sister now. Well, I've got the notes of her husband, he was incredibly intoxicated.

He fell asleep and then got a new lease of life. And he's also a massive lover of your wedding beans. Oh, he was our officiant too. He took an online course so he could marry us. Oh, I've done an online course. Did he finish his course? Yeah, he had to so that he could legally sign our wedding certificate.

That's so fun that we've got something in common. No, because you didn't finish your course. It doesn't matter, we both started an online course. And we both love wedding beans because I also like baked beans. I even asked my dad if he told some of his friends and I think he didn't tell people to know what people saw or didn't see because I think is actually

Afraid that someone would feel bad if they were called out So his worst nightmare is happening, which is that a podcast is being made about this I mean, I think your case is in very safe hands So you can rely on us to get you closure and get your answers about the logistical challenges of this faecal matter, how it really defecated gravity. This case is officially open. Time is ticking. The 24 hour speed solving countdown to crack this case starts now. Countdown initiated. 24 hours left on the clock.

24 hours, also known as one day. Hello, is my microphone working? Also known as One Day. Hello, is my microphone working? Yeah, your microphone's working, Bruce. Meet Bruce, the victim's father, the man who cleaned up the faecal matter. He's joining us today with Andrea's sister, Kate. So I would like to say that I first noticed it probably the next morning, sometime during the day, whenever I got out of bed. Went into the bathroom and that's when I noticed it.

It looked as though somebody may have had trouble sitting down before they started their process. Basically, it created kind of a mess. You have to understand that my occupation is a plumber. And I've seen a lot of stuff, so it maybe skew my opinion on what's really bad and what's not bad. It's not your first rodeo.

I wouldn't call you a plumber, Bruce, I'd call you a hero. There was no way I was gonna get that toilet seat cleaned unless I took it off, because it was all embedded in the hinges. A hero of the wedding. Imagine jumping up and saying, I'll do it, I'll clean up for my daughter.

Yes. What a wonderful man you are, Bruce. You should be proud of yourself. Well, thank you. Bruce, what time did you discover the fecal disaster? I would say probably 11am. Kate, can you hear? I can, yes.

I would love if you could, have you got that picture that you helped? Yeah I do, actually yes. Do you think you could just, I'm going to get this up on our side on our screen, if you could get that up. I would love if Bruce could just describe this picture, this piece of evidence. And you can find this piece of evidence on our Instagram page at Who's Shot on the Floor at My Wedding.

Well, I was, yes, I was asked to mark up on this photo where to my recollection, all the feces was spread around. feces was spread around. My biggest recollection is in the toilet seat hinges. That was the worst part of the cleanup effort, but I do remember it was splattering on the wall and on the garbage can and pretty much where it's marked up to my memory. What sort of rough distance and speed do you think the ship hit the wall, travelled at? Like, where was the us, do you think? And how quickly and how firmly did it hit the wall? Like, did you have any sign of high speed impact? No, I didn't see any dents in the wall or anything like that.

So I don't think it was that high speed. But it had to have been at some velocity in order to reach that far, I would have to think. Because my main concern, sorry, my main concern with this crime, looking at this picture. Put it together, Karen. Sorry, I am. So we're looking at a picture of a very standard bathroom. There's a toilet and on the left is a bath or shower with a curtain.

And on the right, there's a sink and a cabinet. And the gap between the sink and the toilet is really narrow. It's not big enough for a full person to sort of fit in and bend over and push it on the wall. So it suggests that the person was actually quite far away, either in front of the toilet or sat on top of the toilet angling their ass to that particular angle of the wall. I can't imagine how else the trajectory of that shit would have gone. Do you agree? It could have possibly been ricochet or something. Ricochet?

Yeah. Maybe it hit the seat and then ricocheted off and hit the wall. Bruce, so you think it bounced, you think the fecal matter bounced, hit the wall, hit the rubbish bin, hit the side. Maybe, yeah, maybe from the seat to the garbage can and then up to the wall. Maybe it was like a three-point ricochet. The most bounciest fecal matter that ever existed was let loose in your bathroom that evening. Bruce, we understand that there was a particular type of food served at the wedding, which has been referred to as wedding beans.

Are you familiar with that dish? Who was it? The wedding beans? Are you familiar with the wedding beans? Oh, the wedding beans. Are you familiar with that dish? Who was it? The wedding beans. Are you familiar with the wedding beans? Oh, the wedding beans. Yeah, yeah. There were many wedding beans consumed. In your opinion... Pfft. I'm sorry, I just keep looking out the window and thinking,

how has my life, how has 38 years on this planet led me to this very moment with Bruce, asking him if the fecal matter he cleaned up at his daughter's wedding, potentially had traces of wedding beans in it. Did you see traces of wedding beans in the fecal matter? No, no, I didn't see any traces of wedding beans or smell them. My wife has served this wedding bean recipe many times since, and I've never seen a repeat of that incident.

I'm concerned that this mess was left in your bathroom for a minimum of 10 hours. A minimum. 10 hours. Between the time it happened and I discovered it? Yes. Probably, yeah. How does that make you feel, knowing that you went to bed that night,

you went to sleep, and while you were having a lovely sleep, your bathroom, the hinges of your toilet were in contact with a dreadful substance for a minimum of 10 hours. Yeah, just a mere 20 steps away there was a yesterday crime scene and we were sleeping through it. Exactly, Bruce. Oh, I don't, I've never even thought about it that way before.

I'm really sorry to go there, but I think when you are detectives in this particular niche, we have to really think about every angle and every suspect. Now, I'm not gonna bring any any bias to this but I really like you and I like your vibe and I just, you know, you're a hero to me so I'm not even going to go there that this could have been something you did. You weren't alone in the house that night were you? No. No. Who else was in the house all night? Yeah. Just to clarify what's about to happen,

Karen is about to ask Bruce if his wife, the mother of the bride, shat all over the bathroom that night. I don't want to go there. I don't. I just want to hear what you think about it. And look, there's no judgment. I just want to know, have you seen anything of this nature before in your love and marriage? I do. I do. I do. I do. I do.

I do. I do. I do. I do. It's okay if you have. Before? No, I've never seen anything like that before. Okay, Kate and Bruce, who do you believe is the person who shat on the wall at Andrea's wedding?

I don't really have any clear suspects. I don't remember who was here towards the end. No, and I think, Bruce, you might have a bit of a case of you don't want to remember. Because I understand that you don't want anyone to feel bad about this and you want justice for the poop-a-traitor. Thing is, DNA testing wasn't as big a thing back then. I could have probably retained some evidence. Yes, correct. Could have sent it in to Ancestry or something. Yeah, you, I mean, Ancestry might have probably sent a police person to your house if you sent

them feces instead of spit, which is the normal type of DNA. But yeah, you could have given that a go, that's for sure. But I think Bruce, you're again the hero, because you don't want anyone to feel bad about this. And do you know what? Neither do we. We want to celebrate this person because, as Karen rightly pointed out, it is incredibly challenging from a logistical perspective to get the faecal matter into that specific place on the wall. So it's actually an achievement that we want to celebrate. We never want anyone to feel bad. We want to celebrate people and we want to celebrate their actions.

So when we find out who did this, we will not be mean to them. So don't worry about that. There's no shame, there's just glory in this. There's just fame. No shame, just fame. I just want to ask Kate, how's your husband? Kate's husband Tom is one of our prime suspects. He was one of the last people standing at the wedding and he was noticeably intoxicated. He was the officiant at the wedding and he does not drink very often.

That night he was stressed about officiating the wedding and he got pretty blasted. It was so bad that we were dancing outside in front of the garage and we live right up the driveway and he was so drunk that he said, I have to go to the bathroom. So he walked up to our house and he was so drunk that I had my kids go up and follow him to like make sure that everything was okay. And he had fallen asleep up at our house for a bit and then he came back down. Definitely I would not rule him out but he was being managed for most of the night. I was not drinking because I had to drive Adria and her brand new husband up to a dude ranch

that they were honeymooning at. If I had been drinking I would not rule me out as a definite suspect. So what is it with you? You're making yourself forward as I could have done it. I might have done it. Does your husband love wedding beans? Oh, he does. Oh, indeed he does. Yes, he does. How many wedding beans did he eat that day? Well, he was sober when he was eating the wedding beans, so I didn't have a handler on him then. So I'm not sure how many wedding beans he would have consumed. I assume a lot of wedding beans.

How many wedding beans exactly do you think he would have consumed that day based on his previous experience with wedding beans? You round it up to the nearest 10. 10 beans? Because I was thinking possibly two platefuls. Okay, so that's like 600 weeding beans. I don't, yeah, I don't know. I'm not sure what the conversion rate would be. About 680, I think. Oh, 680. Okay.

Bruce is on it. Thanks, Bruce. Someone's sharp today, at least. Have you ever asked him, just straight, did you shit on the wall at my sister's wedding? Many times, yes. Do you think Tom would be interested in performing an online lie detector test with us? Yeah, I think he would do that. There's a new sort of online lie detector technology which is, it's not fully, it's not 100% legit, but mostly it's like a sort of 50% chance. It's 50% legit.

And even a little bit of accuracy would probably be better than nothing at all. That's exactly what I think, yeah. But what did he say when you asked him or slash interrogated your poor husband multiple times about this question? What's his response? If, in fact, the copious amounts of wedding beans he consumed caused him to shit in a bathroom, it actually would be in our bathroom,

not in my mom and dad's bathroom. Mm. How long does it take to get to the bathroom at your house? Not long. Exactly how long, in seconds? Depends on if you're walking in a straight line or weaving back and forth. But if you're walking a straight line, it would probably take about two minutes.

Do you believe that the person had, what is the most relaxing way to say this? Maybe I'll just use the scientific term. Don't look at me. Diarrhea? Yes, that's what I would describe it as. If he did in fact have diarrhea, even the two minute walk to your house,

which wouldn't be two minutes with him because he is walking sideways and backwards. It was probably four minutes. That is not time you have on your side when you have the slots. You need to go quickly. I think he needs to take a lie detector test. I agree. I agree. I think it's the only way forward with this case. Bruce, which side of the wedding do you think the shit came from? From the bride, your daughter, or the groom?

Who's responsible? Well, most likely it was on the bride's side. That's your side as well, Bruce. Just by running the numbers of the guests that were here, the percentage. Crunching the numbers. Yeah. Yeah, so you're basically saying it was on your side, Bruce. Do you think your toilet was structurally sound enough to support the weight of someone standing on it? Well, it would probably depend on how much they weighed.

You could probably hold the weight of almost anybody standing on it. It holds the weight of them sitting on it. Correct. And also, you're a plumber, Bruce. Apologies for my assistant here. She's basically insinuating that you don't sitting on it, it holds the weight of them sitting on it. Correct. And also, you're a plumber, Bruce. Apologies for my assistant here. She's basically insinuating that you don't know how to install a toilet properly, even though you are a very, very well-respected plumber in your community. So I apologize for that comment.

Right. I understand. But I would love to know, did you notice any footprints on the toilet seat or around the toilet bowl? No, I didn't but based on the photo where the damage was done. I really do believe it came from on high It was a divine thing Divine shit A divine shit! If I have a wedding here again, maybe I'll put a camera in there and be able to catch

the people. We advise that and also just have a forensic kit on you at all times because you never know when you need to do a DNA swab. Great. Yeah, and whenever you find fecal matter, don't send it to Ancestry. Just retain that and send it to us. Send any fecal matter our way and it to ancestry just retain that and send it to us in any fecal matter our way and we will process it on our side. Thank you so much for joining us it's been really fun and don't worry your case is in good

hands with us. Thank you so much. Thank you. Right well I think that's all the information we're gonna need so why don't we I think we could actually do with a little bit more information. Yeah but the clock is ticking Lauren so I think we just got to get started. Can I get a snack first? No, definitely not. No snack. Just a tiny snack?

No, case over in room. Now. What are you doing? Suspect profile complete. Activating expert database. Professional experts at the ready. Contacting experts. We've said our goodbyes to our new friends Kate and Bruce, and now it's time for Assistant to the Detective and I to reflect on the information

we've gathered on this case and hatch an action plan to speed solve this crime. We have agreed, after a small amount of healthy bickering, on the following action plan. Phase 1 Get the emails of everyone who attended the wedding and submit an online questionnaire to gather any further evidence and uncover other potential suspects. Phase 2. Interrogate best friend Tatiana, the woman who changed into political sweatpants during the wedding. Phase 3. Lie detector test on suspect Tom, the man who ate 680 wedding beans and then fell asleep. who ate 680 wedding beans and then fell asleep.

Initiate phase one, online questionnaire. Okay, survey monkey for Andrea and Jacob's wedding. We need to get this out because we've only got 24 hours and I'm hungry and then I'm tired. So we need to get this out so the Americans can answer it overnight. What were you wearing at Jacob and Andrea's wedding? Underwear type, clothing and shoes. ETC. That's right, overnight. ETC. What is an accessory though? Like bag?

Just a bag. Bag, joy. Just a bag. Accessories. Attempted? Oh, attempted to poop in the toilet at Andrea's wedding, missed the toilet and ended up pooping around the toilet and on the wall.

Okay, what time did you leave the wedding? How spicy do you remember the beans being? How many wedding beans did you eat? Less than 20 individual beans, 21 to 50. 51 to 200 individual beans, 201 to 680 individual beans. Oh, we need to get the recipe. I reckon we should do, is Bruce a legend?

Yes, no, of course. Yes, yes, no, of course. Yes, yes, no, let's not do that. Stop sucking up to Bruce. If you still had the underwear you wore to the wedding, would you be happy to send it to us? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Who do you think poked on the wall? Andrea's wedding.

What state were you in when you left the wedding? Tipsy, buzzed, sober, drunk. Extremely drunk. And then other, please specify. There is no specify box. You can't say please specify. We're not upgrading SurveyMonkey. I think the Americans spell fecal differently.

Uh, fecal. Fecal versus fecal. Oh, we've been spelling fecal wrong. Oh. Oh, we've been using the American way. Yes. Oh, should we ask about mosquitoes? We need to just ask, did you see the shit on the wall? We want to know if there are other witnesses.

That's a really key question. Okay, was it? It's not, look, you know, we've got to crack this quickly. Yeah, okay. Why are you not helping me? Because I'm writing to Andrea to try and get the recipe that we're doing. Whoa, Karen, Karen! Wedding beans!

Okay, yeah, fair enough. Okay, when we get the recipe, I'm going to go to the supermarket and tomorrow morning I'm going to make us wedding beans for breakfast. Because they sound delicious. Initiate phase two. Interrogate best friend Tatiana. We need to speak to Tatiana, so what's the best approach? Are we going to try and get Tatiana to confess to us and or even speak to us? Let's email her.

Okay, I'm going to email her now. Let me get this up. Hi Tatiana. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Encouraging words, blah, blah. A bit of flirting, blah, blah, blah. Interview slash lightly interrogate you regarding the case of the fecal fugitive on behalf of our client.

Kind regards. Citizen to the detective. Karen Whitehouse and detective Lauren Colby. End with this is absolutely mandatory. What is? Responding. Talking to us. PS, this is absolutely mandatory. What is? Responding? Talking to us. P.S. this request is mandatory.

Thank you. Right, that's sent. Will we solve it? The victim needs closure. Closure is the key. Fuck, she's just not responding. Silence is admission of guilt in most... If she doesn't respond, it's guilt. Yeah. Should we tell her that? responding. Silence is admission of guilt in most...

If she doesn't respond it's guilt. Yeah. Should we tell her that? If you do not respond to us, we will assume that you are guilty. That is why this is mandatory. Kind regards, Assistant to the Doctor. Love you, say love you. Yeah. No, I'm not saying I love you. We've got a response. We receive a response from Tatiana and she is refusing to be interrogated. Unfortunately, I'm going to have to plead the fifth.

And in the US, refusing to answer cannot be used as evidence of guilt. Oh, shit. Yeah, but we're not in America. We're not in America. Yeah, we don't care. refusing to answer cannot be used as evidence of guilt in a criminal case. Oh shit. Yeah, but we're not in America. We're not in America. We don't care. She starts listing out all of the potential suspects for this crime. And then the third was, or maybe it was Tatiana.

Herself. Dot dot dot. That is so casual. Okay, sorry, but she is admitting guilt, but she's using herself in the third person. Here is our response. Pleasingly, this is interesting, although I'm sorry to inform you that the WhoShat team are free from any normal legal obligations.

Since we are unqualified detectives, normal rules do not apply to us, as we can always claim ignorance to any wrongdoings our side. Therefore, technically speaking, your refusal to speak with us can in fact be used as proof of guilt in our Hushack court. That said, we are very reasonable people and are able to offer you a solution that does not require being lightly interrogated on a recorded interview about a shit on the wall. We would be willing, as a limited one-time deal, to offer you the opportunity to

provide a short written statement to defend your honour or confess to this fecal crime. If you choose to defend your honour and attempt to prove your innocence, we can recommend in this statement that you provide a rational explanation as to why you changed into political sweatpants later in the evening around the time the fecal crime was committed. Because, as you can probably understand, this detail is a bit concerning for us from an investigative point of view. Initiate Phase 3, lie detector test on Tom. We need to find out if Tom is guilty. Tom is the man who officiated the wedding, got pissed, ate 680 wedding beans and then

fell asleep. In order to do this, we have temporarily promoted the victim's sister Kate to intern to the detective. She is currently tracking down her husband and recording him while asking him a very specific question. We asked the lovely Kate to basically ambush her husband, try and capture a video of her husband answering the question, did you shit on the wall at my sister's wedding? Once we have received this critical piece of evidence, we will be submitting it to a very important expert.

So I've managed somehow to get a really amazing expert on board. He is an eye deception expert and his job basically is to assist the police in identifying deception through body language and eye movement. So he's basically like a human lie detection machine. He quite fairly wants to stay anonymous but he's agreed to assess this video for us. So if we email this video of Tom over to him now, he's going to assess it and then he'll reply and say that either Tom is definitely lying or he looks like he's telling the truth. Is it free? Yes. Kate has successfully ambushed her husband. Did she do it? We've got the video so let's just review it now because we're going to have to submit this to our eye detection experts for quick assessments to see if he is lying

on horse. Tom did you shit on the wall and around the toilet in the bathroom at my sister's wedding? No. sister's wedding? No. Coming up next on Fecal Fugitive Part 2. I think honestly, raid the room and make sure you don't push it because we cannot fuck this up. Is he wearing underwear first of all? Are you wearing underwear? I wouldn't be able to sleep at night, would you if that was you?

We are right on the money. Is it possible that you shat on the wall at Andrea's wedding? I feel really sick. My hands are sweating. I am sorry for what we're about to do. Help! I'm a victim of a non-crime crime! If a non-crime crime is being committed against you, you may be entitled to pro bono detective

services. Report your crime on our website, whoshatontheflooratmywedding.com or DM us on Instagram at whoshatontheflooratmywedding.