Who Shat On The Floor At My Wedding? And Other Crimes - S3 E10 Rural Rectal Rampage - Part Two

Episode Date: November 20, 2025

The investigation reaches new levels of desperation. We find ourselves loitering outside a school, attempting to brief two teenagers on an undercover mission. We consult a nurse about the medical implications of anal insertions. And out of nowhere, a mysterious stranger appears with divine intervention.But nothing prepares us for the final question....is this scandal confined to Chipping Norton…or is it far bigger than we ever imagined?Part three AND four drop December 4th.Support us on Patreon http://patreon.com/whoshatontheflooratmyweddingFollow us on Instagram @whoshatontheflooratmywedding for case evidence and behind-the-scenes.Sound design by @juanthummler Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Here's what went down on Rural Retail Rampage Part 1. I live in Chipping Norton. It's not the kind of place where you would see something very offensive. I was scrolling through the Chipping Norton Village Notice Board Facebook group, and I saw this post. It was a picture of a cucumber, and on the cucumber is a orange rectangular sticker that says for rectal use only. And the caption says, who's been pranking at the local supermarket?

Are there any more stickers about? I piped up going, if anyone sees any more examples, could you send me pictures? And then someone else popped up a woman called Terry. Something alarming has been happening in the store where I work. Someone has been putting rude stickers on the candles. And then someone else responded going... Got a pepper army here with a rectal use only sticker, I'd it? They were just sticking them everywhere.

And we walk around the corner, we just see some rectal stickers on some mobs. My saw stickers on, Obesines, cucumbers, corgettes, wine bottles, bleach bottles, loob. All sorts of vegetables, Fabrize cans, broom handles, gardening tools,

Dr Pepper, tins of hot dogs anywhere you could and couldn't even imagine. I was quite shocked, frankly. You wouldn't expect it at all. But not appropriate for a store with families.

What age group do you think actually did this? Early teens? Apparently, a couple of them said they had seen a couple of stickers recently. There might be some more out there. That's awful because that's definitely because of us,

because they've seen the notice that we've put in the newsagent shop and all of our many Facebook posts. We've inspired a whole new generation of perpetrators is what we've just done. What do you need? We want to recruit our first undercover child agent. Teen agent. I might have someone in mind. Do you have any leads?

What is the definition of flashing? I just want you to be able to make love to your partner and not worry about stickers. Just so you can understand where I'm coming from. No, I get it. It's a place. Do you live here, whatever, blah, blah, blah. I don't care. I think something quite big has just happened.

You know that spotted in Shipping Norton Facebook post. We've got some comments. I think someone might have just accidentally confessed. This woman called Eleanor just put the emojis, the shush emojis, and tagged her friend, Emily, as going shh, shh, shh. Eleanor replied, OMG, laughing emoji, laughing emoji, laughing emoji,

Defoe seen the sticker somewhere else Winky face Eleanor responds to that going I didn't realize they would get so much attention and then the sh emoji They're the perps

I think we're looking at the names of the perpetrators right now It's only a matter of time before the truth is revealed This is Rural Rectal Rampage Part 2 I don't know I mean I just don't know what we're going to do with this information. But I genuinely think that they thought it was anonymous.

Should I add friends for everyone? Yeah. Should we send a group message to all of them? Yeah, but you've got to be friends first. That's the problem. But you can reply on this group. Yeah. What if we just replied with a Zoom link and we just wait on the Zoom call and just say, join us now?

We could be waiting for quite a while. I'm friends with them now. Eleanor has accepted my friend request. Can you write this while I just text Sean? Okay. I'll send it to you on what's happening. you can post it. Right.

Hello Eleanor, thanks for accepting my friendship. I would love to talk to you about springtime. Engaging with a potential perpetrator is an incredibly delicate operation. Okay, copy and paste that. You're not very good at this, are you? It's not very comforting is it? Hi, Eleanor, thanks for accepting my friendship request. I would love to chat to you about this erectile crime.

We can change your name and or identity if required. It would be very nice. if you can talk to us. We can meet you anywhere in Shipping Norton. Sounds so desperate. Fuck sake. Just do it. Or change it.

Send a link to a giffy. Please let that go. I won't. I refuse. Why don't you respond in that group? I'm going to tag them both at Eleanor, at Emily. This sounds like a confession. And is exactly what we need.

Which is exactly what we're looking for. I think we just need to bombard. them. We'd like to invite you base for light interrogation over Zoom or in person. We'll provide traits. We will provide treats and possible torture. Bribery treats. Not torture, don't say torture, you'll get kicked off. Light bribery. Like bribery. Happy with that? Yeah. Now we wait. Emily and Eleanor have not responded, but it's also only been approximately three minutes. since we messaged them. Meanwhile, Agent Sean is deep undercover.

We sent him a reminder message earlier in case he forgot for a third time what he was meant to be doing. I said, special agent Sean, good work today. A reminder to send us the three Ws when you speak to Martin. When, what and where did he last spot these stickers?

Same with Alfred. Thank you for your cooperation and dedication. P.S. How is choir practice? Any second now, Sean will respond. Oh my God, we've got a response. Oh, God. What? It's what we feared. It's what we feared. So Martin didn't see it in a shop, exclamation mark.

It was online somewhere, as you thought it may have been. Online somewhere. Martin just saw my post. Martin just saw my post and was like, oh yeah, yeah, I've seen that somewhere. Oh, for fuck's sake. So we've got nothing. Martin saw your Facebook post Yeah so

Oh my What a waste of It's not the best undercover agent work To be honest All we've got is Oh yeah He saw that post that you put up I was like I know we put that post up

I don't need someone to tell me that From an undercover operation I can't believe That old mate just saw your photo on Facebook And then he told his friends He saw the photo And then they got another round of beers forgot about it and there was a but the exciting part is he just sent another message and he just

went I may have your teen agent this is your teen agent Naomi she's prepped and ready so we have our first teen agent this is good this is all we've got it's not just good It's like it's our only hope. It's our only hope. How is the teenager on a Sunday, a random teenager in Chipping Norton, gonna crack this case for us? To be honest, I put my money on a teen agent

over both of us and Sean and Sean. Does she need to like have a party or something and invite all of the other teenagers around? We are, I'm just nipping it in the bullet and if that's where your mind was going. We are not going undercover at teenagers' party. Why? Okay, let's do a little role play.

Who are you? Hi, I'm friends with your mum. Okay, cool, and then what do you do? And then I'll go, Hi, everyone. Quick announcement. Does anyone recognise this sticker? And that's all, and I'd be mic'd up.

It's not that big of a deal. It really isn't. It could be a very big deal. I think if a random woman gate crushed a teenager's party showing them a rectal stickers picture and there will be other parents there, I imagine. It could also be not a big deal and just fine. Yeah, no, it might not be a big deal, but the chance of it being a big deal is definitely

an option there. The chance of someone calling the police is actually quite a reasonable course of action. Karen has shut down my plan to infiltrate a teenager party undercover. That is fine. Partners do not always agree, and in this line of work, compromise keeps the case moving. Our next plan is to speak to an expert. Jill, a nurse with local ties and a sharp eye for hospital procedure. Our objective is twofold.

First, confirm whether these stickers trace back to a medical supply chain. Second, find out if any victims have surfaced in any local emergency departments. patients with injuries caused by following the instructions on those stickers. Any information that Jill gives us could pull us closer to whoever's behind this crime. Okay, Nurse Jill. First of all, sorry for randomly contacting you when we've not spoken in like 100 years and been asking for something from you. We tend to do that a little bit with this podcast.

And also a disclaimer that is quite a weird subject matter that we're bringing to you. So I think you need to be mentally prepared for, a little bit of the strange and extraordinary to happen. Okay. And then for the context, for the listeners, Nurse Jill, is our cryptic crossword expert, also known as my mum, Linda Kilby's best friend. Isn't that right?

Yes, that's correct. Cute. And we need to talk to you, Nurse Jill, because you are a nurse, and we need a nurse's opinion on a crime that we're investigating. Okay. Shall I get the evidence up? It feels like we're flashing something inappropriate. Are you ready?

I'm ready. Whoa. Okay. Can you describe what you see? I can see a cucumber wrapped in like plastic, the normal classic, and there's an orange sticker stuck across it. And it says for rectal use only. And it also appears to be a pair of shorts or something similar with pockets,

like the back of a pair of shorts, yes. This is what we want to talk to you about. specifically those denim hot pants. First of all, we're very interested in understanding if these are medical stickers or if they are just kind of random stickers. And if they are medical, what is the point, like what is the purpose of the denim hot pants? What do they mean?

Certainly you would have similar stickers in hospitals to put on things so that they're not used incorrectly. But I've never seen any medical stickers with pictures. on them like that, I have to say. In your opinion, these are not medical grade stickers. I would say definitely they are not medical stickers. What do the stickers that you have at your hospital, what do they look like, the rectal use only stickers?

We use things like for oral use only or intravenous use only, that kind of sticker. So they would be similar to that, but they wouldn't have a picture on them. they would just be the writing and they do tend to be coloured they tend to be different colours for different uses and if they had to have a picture on them because that was just the new medical norm what picture do you think they should have on them for that particular one i suppose it's as good as anything isn't it really denim hot pants well i suppose they're showing that it's that part of the body aren't they that's that's what that picture would indicate I just don't know what's wrong

with a proper old bum if I were making these stickers I would just do a bum because I assume that the image is there because the person making the sticker is assuming that people might not know what rectal means so therefore they need like a visual

kind of way to explain it as well my concern is that the person reading that might think like don't put it in your pocket whoever made these stickers considered putting a picture of a bottom on it but thought that might cause offence to certain people, you know, certain religions, certain women that work in the health service.

Oh, so it's the appropriate option, the denim hot pants is appropriate. And what kind of objects at the hospital would you normally see this sticker on without the hot pants? I suppose things that are also used for oral and intravenous use, like medications that you would give rectally that are also given by other roots, maybe like an animal. people might mix that up with an oral straw. What is the strangest object that you have seen people insert? I have heard anecdotal evidence of people arriving in A&E with the broom handle up their rectum.

So these stickers were actually found on brooms in the local store here. When do you remember the Broom, the A&E Broom incident happening? No, sorry, before, before, before. from a nurse's point of view what do you think if you had to choose one of the following objects which is the most dangerous to insert up your rectum yeah candles not lit broom gardening tools like a little fork or a spade a dr pepper bottle um did i say fabrize can no febreze can a jar of hot dogs cucumber caucum Corgette, Obogene, Hippirami.

I think it would depend entirely on the diameter of the object you're inserting, wouldn't it? And also the material it's made of. So if there's any give in it, like a cucumber or a corgette or something, it would be less damaging than an absolutely hard object. See, my mind would go to the Fabriz can because I think that would be incredibly dangerous. If you went up the bum with the most dangerous or the latest dangerous. Yeah. Because if you went up the bum with a febrize can

and then you try to get it out, you wouldn't be able to get the full thing in the whole rectum. So then you try and get it out and then the lid of the can would stay in your bum, then the aerosol would be able to go off and then it would be a fire hazard as well as having lost a lid up there. How's it a fire hazard?

Because the aerosol is incredibly flammable. But there's no flames at there. You could be walking around a flammable area. In terms of danger, that seems like the worst one for me. possibly possibly I certainly don't know for sure as I said I think the diameter of the object would be the deciding factor as to how much damage it would do because then I would suggest that the obergene is the most damaging because the obergene has the widest girth I mean it has a bit of give like you say Jill but it is pretty hefty and width so it could be very difficult to insert yeah but it would biodegrade so you know not over the course of one minute it's going to take yes to biodegrade it would be a year years? Would it be years? I mean, a garden tool would not be great. Okay, yeah, but this is not what we need, we will work this out in our own time, Jill. I think we need to find a local Oxfordshire

A&E nurse just to see if there's been an increase in rectalal propars since December 2023. It's actually a really good idea. Do you know anyone, Jill? I'm afraid. No. No. Okay, great. They'll ask around, but I won't. Yeah, fair enough. Yeah, no, I need to lie to us. That's fine. Okay, great.

Well, that's all we need from you, Nurse Jill. Do you have any questions for us? None whatsoever. I just don't think I'm ever going to be able to look at a no regime in the same way again after this conversation. No. Well, Cannes has upset me a bit. Thank you. I'm sorry.

Thank you and sorry. Thanks. Bye, Jill. Bye. nothing from the people who potentially confessed on Facebook, leaving us no choice but to activate the teen agent route. In early discussions, our teen agent Naomi suggested going undercover alongside her boyfriend Frank as a pair. In this investigation, numbers matter. Two teen agents in the field are far more effective than one. Coverage eyes and ears multiply, and every advantage helps when

you had no advantages to begin with. Okay, Karen, call Frank. But we still need to confirm Frank. Don't use me like Siri. I know what you're doing it and it's not what is happening here. We need him to understand the urgency of this. I know he's helping us and I know we need to be careful how we treat people and I know he's a child who's 17.

But we've got a crime to crack. Thank you, Karen. Thank you so much for chatting to us. I know this is not your usual request on a Sunday. No, but yeah, it's fine. So, yeah, we basically think it's most likely to be someone around school age. So we've been trying to recruit an undercover teenager agent. Okay.

Just to find out if anyone in your school network knows anything. Yeah, of course, yeah. So what we would love to do is, would you mind if we'd mind if we're, we like briefed you on the task a little bit clearer tomorrow during your lunch break at school? Yeah, that's fine, yeah. Do your mum and dad know that you're speaking to us? Because we probably just need to check with them that they're happy that we're recording you for this podcast. Yeah, I told my mum about this.

I think maybe three days ago she seemed very excited about it. It's quite a funny topic. Oh, amazing. Oh, great. Okay, perfect. We just need to check we're doing everything above board. Perfect. Okay, cool.

Well, Frank, we will see you at 1.35 p.m. tomorrow outside your school to brief you on your undercover task. Yeah, okay. See you then. Fabulous. See you then. Thanks, Frank. Bye-bye. Bye. Teen agents, Frank and Naomi are locked in. It's time to prepare the briefing for them. Karen, do you have printouts of the rector stickers to give to him so he can show his friends? No, of course not. That's when we're going to get in trouble. Why? Well, putting rectal stickers on school property.

No, no, put a photo of the rectal stickers on school property. Yeah, but there's no difference. It's still, like, a rude for rectal use only sticker. I don't, I think the head teacher will be like, get that down now who told you to put that up, and then we are going to get sent to the fucking principal's office. I live here. We're not doing that. The sticker is on top of a cucumber, and cucumbers are used to make salads. Therefore, it's a photo of a salad. We're trying to make this community a safer place.

We're trying to find the culprit, Karen. Well, it doesn't feel like that. Okay, fine, we'll use WhatsApp. I'm not happy about it, though. If he gets in trouble for texting in class. Do you know what? You're the lead detective. You could have come a bit more prepared. If he gets detention, it's on you.

I just got distracted by a pretty lady. Oh. Where? Which pretty lady? Can I say the pretty lady? No. I want to say he you're into. I want to say who you're into.

Show me, show me, show me, show me. No, I'm not going to. Please, please, please. No, I'm not because I'm embarrassed. Show me the pretty lady. You're actually really embarrassed about this. Get back to work. Sorry, that's out.

Fucking out. We've got one last operation to carry out before nightfall. This plan is based on intelligence shared by undercover agent Sean. You do need to hit the pub. I think there's a lot of information that could be found in the pub. Which pub do you think will give... Checkers. You reckon?

Checkers is where the information lies. Should I do it? Get the cigarette. Do you mind if we record you because we've got a podcast? Okay. Thank you. That's consent. Somebody has been going around.

It's just like a Hindu, is it? Or like a... Is it one of these like tours that you do around? Oh, we're on Hindu. Yeah. No, I don't know, like a thing that's going around. This is very serious. Oh, okay.

That is. This is not fun. The first person we corner happens to work as a teacher at the local school. Basically, someone has been going. going around placing stickers on phallic-shaped objects saying for rectal use only. Okay. And we just want to know, because you work at a school, do you recognise this sticker? No, I haven't seen that before.

It's more probably secondary school than... Oh, are you primary? Oh, yeah, yeah, no primary. Yeah. Have any of your students discussed this in the classroom setting? Okay, so you know nothing about this crime. I do not know. I do not know.

I can honestly say. not going to see you there. I hope not. Bye. I feel very confident all of a sudden. Karen changes strategy and reverts back to what she knows best, flirting. She starts complimenting random people as they walk past in the hope that one of them will stop and talk to us.

You look lovely. Thank you. You suck up. You absolutely suck up. Excuse me. Can I ask you a question? Sure. Do you recognise this sticker?

No. It says for rectal use only? It's for what use? I have no idea what that is. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. No problem, thank you. Chipping Norton's pub patrons say they know nothing about this crime.

I've never heard this before ever. Or they're keeping their silence for a reason. Before we leave the pub, there's one final thing that we need to do. slightly off topic but because we have assistant to the assistant to the detective with us we need to tell her something anyway cheers cheers and we're lucky because we've got assistant to the assistant to the detective with us today normally she does not like to turn up to these recordings but whenever this goodness involved multiple points of get it she's fine she's usually there demotion ceremony right now Helen Helen McLaughlin you are being officially demoted from

assistant to the assistant to the detective to nobody to a nothing I already quit We didn't quit We fired you I just said I'm not doing this anymore So that's why we're up

Did you hear that? I didn't hear that We're telling you right now that it's over It's over Helen Cheers to your demotion The next morning The next morning arrives The day we move in on the

the school to brief our agents. Chipping Norton looks picture perfect today. A quiet town wrapped in sunlight. The kind of day made for solving a crime. Or for two childless fake detectives to loiter outside a school. On the way to pick up the car, we question strangers whenever we can, chasing every fragment of a lead. In a case this fragile, even the smallest lead could change everything. We didn't realise it yet, but someone or something was about to intervene in a way we had not anticipated. It's, I've always wanted to go in that. I've always wanted to go in that. I've never been here. You pick the next one, but no one too old. Karen, don't tell me you the chance.

Made all things well Can I be a little book how we can know God more And I bet you'll be a blessing to you Because you might not have heard the good news Which is that God loves you Me? Yep, you And he then says Be sorry in your heart for wrong things

Because we've all spoken unkindly and hurt people We've all got angry, we've all cheated She's all so... She's my boss, she's quite mean to me Okay But God loves the world When I do that to you You need to find God more than me

Can I ask you a question? So we probably, I think, in the next few days, we need a miracle. How is it possible? How can you apply for a miracle? Is it what's the best? We can pray with our hearts. It's a cry act. It says cry out of the Lord.

So can I ask what it is? I've never tell anyone else. We're comedy detectives and we take on local mysteries and try and solve them. And we're not doing very well. So I think we need a lot of help. So yeah, we need a favour from God, I think, to help us crack our case. otherwise we're not going to solve the case that we're investigating and we really want to solve it

so it's a real case it's not like the murder mystery game it's not a game it's not like a serious crime it's not like a serious crime there's no murder or anything like that's no police involved it's just us it's just us so we're trying to solve it for the local residents of chippy and we are not doing very well

so maybe we need some help from above well I pray happily father you are the god of breakthrough and that's what we need in Heavenly Father breakthrough in this case so that it can be solved and I pray Heavenly Father that you will reveal

the truth Lord and you will provide the sources that will lead to that discovering the truth so we do just pray Lord that there will be this breakthrough and we give you all the glory for it Lord in Jesus' precious and powerful

name we pray Amen you're doing a great job and just sing is beautiful thank you so much having a lovely thank you thank you so much thank you nice to meet you yes okay so driving to the school taking detective to the school gates I'm not feeling very confident in what you will or won't do this looks like a school yeah this is a school I'm glad the windows are tinted Oh my God I can't get out

If you part like that You're parking in the parent Am I? Oh no No I'm not I don't think it's meant to beep like that We're outside Should we go into the school

Could you imagine how that would go Have you got visitors pass? No Can we have one Which one of the children is your Child None of them We are childless

Detectives Childless fake detectives Where are we going to actually do this? Can you just get in the car? That is so dodgy. Why? Absolutely not. It looks like we're doing a drug deal.

It's because you've got tinted windows. Why can't you just have a normal car? I don't think I would get into a stranger's car. I'm pretty sure you're like told not to do that. Can we just do a bit of positive affirmations? That's what I think we need right now. Like what? We are good detectives.

We will solve this case. It's a mindset. Your hands are clenched. Say this, I am brave. I am strong. I am strong. I am strong. I will solve this case.

I will solve it. I am brave. I am strong. I will solve this case. We are brave. We are brave. We are strong. And we will solve this case.

We need to do this every day. Why do we have to be brave to solve the case? So let's just recap what you're not going to do. I'm not going to say... I'm not going to say... It's really reassuring. Could you please put this up, this photo of this rectal sticker up, in your locker? I'm also not going to say, can we come into your school?

We're also not going to say, do you want to get in the car? Where are we actually going to do this? Should we just stand on the path there? So it's slightly out of view of... I think inside the car is better, but if you feel more comfortable in the woods, the woods outside the school, then that's fine as well. Karen, if you honestly feel it is more appropriate to stand

in the woods with a child recording them, okay, fine. We'll go on to that path, but if the teacher, if there's a teacher that's strolling through that, their lunchtime as well, and they go, sorry, ma'am, oh, here comes some kids, here comes some teachers. See, the teachers are loitering around here.

Where? In the rear vision mirror. Any minute now. Did he say any minute now? No. Should we go and walk over there? No, loitering is worse. Loitering looking over our shoulders in the woods.

Holding a microphone in the woods outside of school. Not good. Not a good look. Broad daylight, stakeout. Broad daylight school, stakeout. Oh God, I don't feel good about this. It doesn't feel right, does it? No, it doesn't feel right.

we're doing it he's got two backpacks oh he's carrying her backpack is he he's carrying her big young love young love it won't last i really miss helen i miss helen's influence on us i feel like this is there has been a few moments this season where she wouldn't let us do this though no she wouldn't she wouldn't be anywhere near this right it's go time in one minute Here they come, I can see them all filing down the stairs, all the kids. Oh my God. Okay. I feel like you're going to have to take the lead on this because I'm not the reason we're here.

You are. If you want me to take the lead on the teen agent, I will. I just don't know if that's a good idea either. Make up your fucking mind. Do you want me to leave this or not? No. Should we go and walk to the entrance? Oh, for school?

Yeah. Yep. Okay. Oh, hi. Nice to meet you. Hello. This is Lauren. Hi. Thank you so much for helping us out. Yeah, no worries. Okay, here we are standing outside the school.

Are you allowed to talk to us? Yeah. Yeah. Did you tell your teachers? No, we're on lunch at the moment, so... Okay, great. It's free will, basically. Amazing, good. We need your help.

All right. We believe that the perpetrators of a crime of a crime might be around your age and we need you to go undercover and we will show you some evidence from the crime December 2023 these stickers were found

everywhere oh wow do you know of anyone at your school that might have been involved in this of the top of your head before you go undercover I've spoken to my mates about us doing this and they've said oh they do they've seen them online like on TikTok

and stuff with these rectal stickers. One of my friends said she saw one on a pair of scissors at a school once. Locally? Yeah. At school?

No, not locally, sorry. On TikTok. Yeah, on TikTok. There may be multiple perpetrators so you're not just looking for one person. Yeah. It may be a team of teenagers.

Or adults. Or adults. That's the thing, yeah. Feel free to ask around parents. Yeah. Do you have any events coming up, like parent-teacher interviews that you could ask around it, or school dancers or something?

Not until June, because we've got about a month to our exam start, so... Right. So no events until after then, really. What would be your best strategy of trying to find information from people of your age? I've got a younger sister in the school, who's about 15 or so. I can ask her to ask her mates as well, and I'm sure we'll go around the school. Yeah, I don't mind just going up to people and saying, hi, have you seen... stickers on things.

Amazing. Do you have any concerns about going undercover? It's very tricky for me to get embarrassed, so I think I'll be fine. You are the right person for this. I don't mind if it's a random stranger that I don't know, but if it's more people

that I know or people that I see in school or whatever, then I'm more easily embarrassed. Do you know any parents that are nurses around here? My dad's. My mum. What? What? A lot of our parents, no.

Really? My mum is an occupational health nurse at Thames Valley Police We want to know if anyone actually followed the instructions on these stickers And if there was an increase in people going to A&E with things stuck up their bum Yeah My dad's a head of patient safety Not a local one though Both of our parents will have some kind of contact

So they can always find out if they have like a friend working In the emergency department If anyone's shoved anything in places or whatever So you're thinking you might recruit more people So this is becoming like a pyramid's game where we're at the top, you guys are next level down and then you're going to recruit people below you basically outsource your jobs to others

which I'm okay with because we're doing that right now to you so we're creating a giant pyramids game yeah that's not how usual detectives work but I'm in for it I don't think that's how most pyramids schemes go along either than they're normally quite dodgy yeah no this isn't dodgy recording outside of school at lunchtime

do you think the term teen agent is quite cool Or do you think that's not very cool? I actually love that. Yeah, it's good play on words actually, yeah. Thank you. Yeah, I thought, I'm clearly out of touch because I was like, they're going to hate it, they're going to hate it, don't mention a teenager.

Karen didn't want me to bring it up in front of you guys. She was trying to act cool. Thank God we're not 14, I reckon if you'd have asked Fred's younger sister then she would have been like, oh, teenage, that sucks. Yeah, that's so lame. Yeah, exactly. But we're mature adults and we all know that it's not lame. It's quite cool and funny.

Yeah. It sounds like you. very prepared you know what you need to do yeah definitely I wish we could give you a microphone but maybe that's weird probably a bit weird I accept my role as undercover teen agent I accept my role as undercover teenage and we would like to get a report from you in the next 24 hours all right act quickly prioritise this above school exams hobbies exams studying above our A levels yep this is more important than A levels it's more important than

like family time, what else do kids do? Yeah, so it's, in priorities, it should be undercover agent work. Pyramid scheme recruitment. Oh yeah, and then family, then exams. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Sounds good.

That is the order. Yes. Do you have any pets? I have three. Pets are at the bottom of your priority. Do not go walking, unless you think you're going to find someone where you're walking, your animal.

What emotion would you say you're feeling about this task? I'm quite excited. Excited. I'm quite excited. Yeah. I think so. Nice. I'm excited.

I can't remember we distracting you from your exams, but I'm okay with it. Me too. I mean, your futures are really important, but they're just not as important as our podcast. Yeah, but you might actually want to become undercover agents, so this will be your first taste of it. Yeah. I'm going to go do criminology, so. Oh, are you? Yeah.

There we go. Oh, that makes you feel better. You can do this. All right. Back to school. Yeah, thanks so much. Thank you very much. Thank you.

No problem. Nice to meet you guys. Nice to meet you. Thank you. Good luck. Thank you. Bye. Bye.

I just did a quick Google search, and are you aware that this is a serial crime that is happening all over the UK? What are you talking about? On Amazon and Etsy and eBay, everywhere you can buy these exact stickers, there are reviews saying things like they can be concealed easily for covert banana

and marrow missions. Be careful where you stick them. Excellent product that comes in very useful in my local DIY store. 20th of April, 2023. More fun than you can ever imagine. Another person, 4th of January 20203, the possibilities are endless.

Go into a shop and go ham with these stickers. The possibilities are endless. 3rd of January, 20203. Imagine the fun that someone could have in the cucumber section of ASDA applying these to a selection, and then retiring to a safe distance. I definitely didn't do this, no way not ever.

Fourth of March this year, having fun putting them stickers on the cucumbers in Tesco. Honestly, there's thousands of people in the UK, I can't find any reviews with Chipping Norton in them. But there's suspects everywhere all over the internet coming clean. There's a Reddit thread called Mildly Vandalised that was posted six years ago. Someone's been sticking through rectal-use-only stickers on

things all around my college campus and I love it. And this is in the US. I am dead. Someone just sent me these stickers for rectal use only. And my husband's having some people over later. So I've got some places for these to go. What does that mean? Rectal use only. Kids toys, don't do that, Christian. That's inappropriate. Why is this so fun? These for rectal use only stickers are absolutely perfect. Put on the tools at work. We also put them on fruits and vegetables in the store, put them around the house, wherever you work so funny. This is a global crime. It's a global crime.

There's a whole rector's subreddit of people putting them on like lobsters. Knives! Circular things. The hot pants are there. Oh, a lighter. Laptops, trees, instant noodles. That's just an advert. That was just an advert.

So we're going to track down these perpetrators and be like, bravo, you copied someone else's crime. Can we ask right now, if you're listening to this anywhere in the world, I want to know how far this prank has reached right to us today at our website, who's shat on the floor at my wedding.com or our Instagram at who's chat on the floor at my wedding and tell us where, which location and which objects. you've seen these stickers on. Preferably send us evidence.

What? Oh my God. Look at your email. What email? Which one? Normal. Lauren Kilby, yeah, normal. Oh! I just saw your post about

for rectal use only stickers that appeared on phallic-shaped objects in shops and chipping Norton. I live in Chippy and thought this was hilarious. While I don't have any information about who the original culprit was, I may or may not have hunted down the stickers online and bought them from good old Timu.

I may have then handed a sheet to my 13-year-old niece who possibly spent a delightful afternoon. At the garden shop! We've got a confession! Allegedly putting those stickers onto all of the potted cactus plants. Fuck, so not only... We just cracked it. No, we haven't cracked it.

This person was inspired by the originators at the two stalls. This garden centre is literally about 45 minutes to an hour away from here. getting out of hand this crime. It's started in Chipping Norton. It's like across the whole of Oxfordshire now. So we've got a confession. We've solved a third of this crime. The case is cracked.

It's a little bit. A tiny bit of it's cracked. Why do we only ever solve fractions of fucking cases? Yeah, it's not enough. No, it is not enough. We have found someone who acted as an accessory to this crime by giving her niece stickers to put on cacti at the local garden centre. So she provided the tools for her niece to do.

the deed. Yeah. It's like me handing you a knife and then you go and kill someone. It's exactly like that. But this woman did not confess to the pepperami or the cucumber stickers. That means she may have been inspired by the original perpetrator. This is the person we still need to find and make no mistake, we will find you. rectal rampage. So I think we are wayfully unprepared for what we're about to do. We'll say hello, how are you? All right.

Quick question, did you do this? And I just again would really appreciate a genuine, honest answer. And just to point out that at least one person in this phone call right now is the perpetrator of the crime that we are investigating. There was a glint in her eye and her facial expressions said it all. to me. I think if we're trying to keep him on side, asking him how he feels about anal is not the safest way to do that. I have a feeling that they all know something. I absolutely cannot believe this. What the fuck? Like, this is really intense. If you think, oh no, I can't stick

it there because that's terrible. That means that's where you need to stick it. I think you might have some suspicions. And if you think you might get caught and terrible things might happen, that's where it needs to go. Karen, no. No. I wasn't expecting that. What a twist!