Who Shat On The Floor At My Wedding? And Other Crimes - S3 E12 Rural Rectal Rampage - Part Four

Episode Date: December 4, 2025

In the tense finale of Rural Rectal Rampage, we finally meet the shadowy figure pulling the strings behind the entire scandal.What begins as a simple confrontation unravels into something far more complex… an unexpected motive that forces everyone to rethink everything they thought they knew about the crime… and about themselves.As we piece together the true intent behind the Rampage, we arrive at a dangerous crossroads:
is our duty simply to solve crimes…or has this investigation pushed us toward actually committing one?The next case opens on December 18th. Support us on Patreon http://patreon.com/whoshatontheflooratmyweddingFollow us on Instagram @whoshatontheflooratmywedding for case evidence and behind-the-scenes.Sound design by @juanthummler Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Previously on Rural Rectal Rampage. Hi Karen, I've had lots of messages from people saying you've been trying to get hold of me. Are you okay? Emily, I just want to ask you, is what we're reading right now a real confession? Yes. So I went online. I found Mr. Inappropriate. You ordered the scented candle.

That was the only thing you actually ordered, but you got an additional freebie. Yeah, it come with a load of freebies. And one of those freebies was for rectal use only. stickers. It was indeed, yes. But you are responsible for initiating the ripple effect. I am the perpetrator of rural, rectal rampage. We thought the case was closed. The original Chipping Norton Perp, Emily, had confessed.

Her friend Leroy was also possibly involved. But ultimately, we were satir. Possibly also a little bit smug, until I received a frantic message from Karen telling me to get on a call immediately. Are you recording? You hit record right now. Yeah, let me just double check my... Yeah, that looks good. I was working on the edit for part three and wanted a quick recording from the owner of the store that shipped the for rectal use only stickers to Emily. an online store that practically screams trouble, Mr. Inappropriate.

You know you just gave me a simple task of calling the owner of the store who sent the stickers originally to Emily. Yes. I thought a quick call to the owner would give us the missing piece. A short recording about how one impulsive decision, randomly tossing a handful of free stickers into an order, spiraled into a rectal sticker rampage, across Oxfordshire. Karen reached out by email

and he replied Dave, the man behind Mr Inappropriate was unexpectedly shy. Before agreeing to be recorded he insisted on a phone call to size up Karen to make sure he could trust her.

Hi, is that Dave from Mr Inappropriate? This is the the finale of Rural Rectal Rampage. We just thought that Emily was the one that came up with the creative inspiration or maybe was inspired by some of the other like global TikTok videos that we discovered. We thought she was the sort of creative genius behind this. What if I were to tell you that I've just uncovered who the global mastermind of this whole operation is no karen no so this guy owns this awesome company he ships globally and he puts in a pack of free stickers

with every order with a very serious instruction manual of what to do with the stickers no yeah so he is actually the mastermind of the whole thing we've just We've just tracked down the mastermind of the whole global prank. He sends the stickers to people and he tells them to go into supermarkets in various stores and put them on things. But like a really serious, like these are some stickers, this is what you should do with them. But in like a proper step-by-step process, every order he puts a pack of stickers in. What a twist! I wasn't expecting that.

Karen! Mr. Inappropriate is the global mastermind. and you just randomly called him. Because we thought we were just going to have a quick cutaway about, you know, how to close this individual, like, local crime and just have a lovely message about how, you know, the random throwaway stickers, he just happened to put in that one package created this ripple effect, but no.

I wanted, like, a 10-second cutaway of him just saying, yeah, sometimes I slip in a few rectal stickers to an order. Never say just sometimes I slip in and then hesitate. I don't ever want you to do that again. It's not a sentence. I want to hear you stuttering or ever again. Sorry, but he does slip it in. Ultimately, he slips it in with instructions,

and that is what has happened here. He slipped it in globally. The irony is him just slipping it in when it's a rectal insertion crime. It's quite beautiful. It's quite profound. I actually cannot believe that. I feel slightly nauseous with excitement.

I honestly, what a fucking twist. I can't believe you just sat on that information for like 20 minutes. I know I was spiraling and I was like, I had to like sieve some soup and then I came back and I'm like, what am I thinking I've got to let you know? If in his instructions it says something like go into your local supermarket and put it on cucumbers and things like that because that's what all the repetitive comments were. They were all about supermarkets and pointy fruit or vegetables. Imagine the fun that someone could have in the cucumber section of ASDA applying these to a selection, then retiring to a safe distance. 4th of March this year, having fun putting them stickers on the cucumbers in Tesco.

Because that's a really specific thing. That's not just people randomly coming out with that. We're going to trace the items back of where it came from, where the instruction came from. That is absolutely wild. Yeah, I want some of those stickers. We need the instructions. He doesn't sell the stickers. That's the weird thing.

If he says no even, we'll order something from the site because there's a really awesome happy birthday card i want to get for you for next year which is just happy birthday cunt face and it's just a it's got a vagina actually on the face i don't want that so yeah we could do that and then get the instructions and the stickers and then we can read them out yeah jokes on you we know how to get them and also we've got to track down the dates of when he started when he came up with the idea and when he started sending the instructions because if we can date back all of those other posts and the ticot videos to or after that point then he absolutely is the global mastermind of this whole rural rectal rampage.

The call with Mr Inappropriate is locked in. In a matter of minutes will be face to face through a screen with the man who started at all. This is actually the biggest thing we've done. Ever? Well, yeah, it's the biggest span, biggest geographical impact of any crime that we've taken on. It's the equivalent of a serial killer.

It is. The issue with this one is that he is not aware that he is the global mastermind, right? This is quite a fragile operation, this one. This is a fragile operation, because we need to present the evidence in a way that makes the global mastermind confront the fact that he is the architect of at all.

Karen tried to slip in the first hint. I said, I wonder if we go for something funny as you gave so much inspiration to people about how to properly use the stickers perhaps we could call you the mastermind or something that sounds equally as impressive and vague or we could just call you Dave and he went, I think

Dave is definitely better. Oh so he is not comfortable with the idea of being called the global mastermind. We're browsing his website for inspiration. His manifesto, fuck the rules. Be bad. You might like it. You can shop by bundles,

occasion or type of person you're buying for. In the person drop down, you can select shop for colleague. Some of the suggestions for items you can give to your colleague are a book called Cooking with Seaman, a scented candle that smells like don't be a cunt, or a badge with just the word moist on it. It's all there, in plain sight, a catalogue of provocation,

and maybe a glimpse into the mind of the man behind it all. It's quite something, isn't it? this website. There's a dick in the logo. There's an actual outline of a penis in his logo lock app. I know. So I thought we'll start in terms of when we finish the introductions and about his business. We want to know when he started sending the rectal stickers out and is he still sending them out now with every order just so we can get a timeline because the big question we need to answer on this call is, was it his original idea that he sent out with the instructions or did he get inspired by seeing this on TikTok first and then did it?

Did he copy the original idea? Because if he's the original, original mastermind and creator of this idea, it all comes down to him. Everything, every case, every incident, every crime leads down to this one person. But he's definitely been responsible for a hell of a lot of rectal stickers going around on rude objects around the world. he's definitely inspired a whole network of perpetrators globally and then I just want to know if he's got like an emotional attachment to anal insertions

yeah yeah that's a normal thing to ask yeah yeah no worries maybe we should leave that one to the end I think if we're trying to keep him on side asking him how he feels about anal is not the safest way to do that I kind of agree it's about the order it's about the timing of that question it's about the question itself but yeah the timing definitely adds an extra layer Basically, the final bit of the normal part of this conversation. Now, I've removed the question about his attachment to anal.

It's a subsection I'm calling, how do we want this to end? Now... Are we asking him there? No, it's a question for you, Detective. I just had an exchange with him on WhatsApp. I said, could you send me these instructions? And he said, to be honest, I didn't really give it any thought, in brackets, as with almost everything for Mr. Inappropriate.

I had always planned to come back to it and do it properly one day and I said maybe we can help you with that. He said please do. Help him rewrite the instructions. His instructions. We could become co-masterminds by improving

the instructions to make it funnier. Yeah because this is a case of if we are complicit in the instructions then we are therefore responsible for future perpetrators. Do we want to become perpetrators? It's not really our job. I think the line gets very blurred because we're not even real detectives

and then we suddenly become perpetrators. So what are we? Is this an existential crisis? I think we're having an identity crisis. We can become global perpetrators. We have a choice right now. I have a feeling we're at a very key moral juncture like a crossroads in our career

and I think we have to choose the right path here. I don't think we've committed any crimes before apart from I guess I guess we've gone undercover without really properly getting consent. We've broken many laws, I think. Trespassing bribery, I mean, I can think of like 10 crimes we've committed off the top of my head without even thinking. So you do want to become mastermind?

Yeah, I think so. I think morals have never been one of our key USPs. So I think, fuck it. Let's become co-global masterminds. So if some school in New York, they trace it back to our names, because we're now putting our names to it in our business, name to it and they're like, you told these schoolchildren to put rectal use only stickers on the blackboards at school.

But why is the school child buying a mug that says happy birthday cuntface? Like, that's on the child. That's the child's fault. If the person that bought this, the consumer, is inappropriate enough to buy one of these alarming items from this man, then they are our people. They are not likely to sue us. And then we go into the alarming sections, which is, What is your emotional attachment to anal insertions?

Is there a back story there? Yeah, it feels like that one still comes quite out of the blue. Do you know what is really good about this podcast? No one makes us submit the questions that we write to them beforehand. Because if they did, we'd be screwed. Okay, shall I let them in? Let him in. Can you hear us?

Can you hear me? It's at this very moment that Karen and I first lay eyes on the globe. mastermind. Dave, a middle-aged IT worker, doesn't fit the profile. He sits quietly, a cat curled up on his lap. Who's this? This one is Jester. We have loads of cats. A few others pacing the room like silent witnesses. His voice is soft, his manner gentle. As we begin to speak, he seems nervous. Almost too ordinary for the role we suspect he plays. So yeah, could you just summarize what your, the business does and what products, what you sell? Oh, we sell pretty simple stuff, really.

Cards, candles, fake tablet boxes, mugs and t-shirts, stuff like that, you know. It's all very simple stuff and it's all just got funny words on and funny pictures, you know, sort of moderately inappropriate, but completely harmless. You know, in my opinion, in many people, opinion, completely harmless. What's your favourite product that you sell? I think it's the conface card. Partly because I spent so much time drawing it. Like I'm terrible drawing. The first version I did, it just had like, it was just like a head with a big vulva on the front of the head like this and it just looked like something from an alien.

Must have spent six to eight hours drawing it, I think. I think it's very hard to draw a vagina. I don't know if I've ever done that myself, but I will, after this call, I'm going to have a go and just see how easy and how hard it is. And I think detective you should do the same. doing that. On the inappropriate scale, what would you say is your sort of most gentle product versus the most extreme products? Oh God, I want to have to look at the website now. I know the answer. What do you think? I came across a product that I was quite shocked at. It felt very out of place and it said on it, I just really love you. Yeah. And I was wondering if that had like something offensive on the inside. No, it doesn't. That's it. Hello, I'm Dave. I look after

Mr. Unappropriate. I've had the idea for, I don't know, more than 10 years, probably 10 years before I started, I think. It all came from observing people in, like, workplace, seeing them struggle and seeing, and also knowing a lot of friends and people I work with, struggling with confidence and struggling with, feeling like they're not allowed to be themselves, and a kind of a feeling of not being able to just be who they want to be. And I think just giving people permission. You know, if you give someone permission to do something, then it's okay. So if you give someone permission to do something very, very naughty, then it kind of releases them to do whatever they want to do in other ways as well. So, you know, I find certainly misbehaving. In whatever way

is, it doesn't matter. Misbehaving is, you know, it's a good release. It's like taking the lid off a brush cooker. It's just, it's good for you, right? And that's what it's about. I like that you're in charge of giving permission globally to be inappropriate. Can you and your own words, sum up, why you think we're speaking to you today? Why are speaking? I did wonder actually the same thing. I'm probably, honestly, I don't think I can. No. I was, I mean, why would you want to talk to me? Actually, this is a global thing. Like, it's a prank that has completely captured the imaginations of the world, which is awesome, because it's usually adults. And so it's in America, New Zealand, Australia. And there's just so,

many things online. So I just want to know, how did you come across this prank in the first place? In the past, for medical reasons I'm not going to go into, I've had things which are for rectal use only, and I've been to hospital for such things. So I've seen these stickers used for medical things before for many years. I didn't really think much of it until, I think as my wife, you know, those Great Taste Award stickers. that you get on things in Sainsbury's and stuff. So we had a couple of those and she stuck them on the cat litter boxes.

So two of our cat litter boxes have got a great taste award, sticker on them. And that led me to the idea of sticking stickers in places where they're not meant to be. So that's where it came from. Wow, so you actually did come up with this. When I started doing it, I did see others doing it

and I did see stickers online that people had stuck. But anyone who buys it, anyone who buys anything, they get like a small sheet paper with some instructions on, some very sensible, serious, important instructions, and some stickers. It's just a little tiny way to practice misbehaving. You know, practice makes perfect, right?

Would you mind just reading out the instructions? Following these guidelines carefully, an intended use could cause serious injury. Obviously ignore that if it's really funny. Snickers should be placed on the following, or challenge yourself to do better. A cucumber in Aldi. The top of a bollard outside a train station.

Traffic cone, potato, gear stick in a taxi, baguette, squeasy bottle of mayonnaise, petrol pump, top of a bald man's head, microphone, handle of your neighbour's screwdriver, Rick Astley poster, lightbulb, your wife's lipstick, packet of fireworks. Can we go on? Yes, please. Yes. Bottle brush.

A child school report, that's my favourite. Plant powder cactus, a helmet. it, co-workers' food in the fridge, grandma's rolling pin, wedding, RSVP card, and a hammer drill. How many stickers feature on the sheet that you send out with the instructions? Just four stickers. That's all I send.

Four? Yeah, just four, yeah. But sometimes people email me and ask for more, and I send them free. Whoever asks for more stickers, I just send them like 20 for free. Everything that I've designed, oh yeah, come face, carved up to the ages, but pretty much everything I've spent minimal time on, like that list, three, four minutes, four minutes max I reckon I spent on that. I've truly intended to come back and do it properly and do a good list of funny things. Isn't that incredible that you just spent three, four minutes on one set of instructions that were sent out to people,

and it has created hours, days of entertainment for people pretty much around the world? I know, I've sent thousands out all over the world, yeah. It's just an escape that I think we all need. And same with you guys. I think, I know, I think what you do is great. You know, we're all just sort of conditioned to live in a certain way, and people don't question it. You know, you spend a lot of time, you know, lying down,

and then you go to work, and then you spend time doing stuff you don't like with people who don't like doing something you don't care about, and then you go back home and sleep, and you keep doing that until he did. It just sounds very silly, you know. And a moment of escape from that is really helpful. I think. Could you give me the sort of estimation of the number of rectal sticker packets?

Let's say you usually put four stickers in each pack. How many orders have you sent those out to in total? Since I started doing it? Yes, 5,000. And which countries? 90% UK. Someone has been putting rude stickers on the candles. Got a pepper army here with a rectal use only sticker on it. They were just sticking them everywhere. 8% in US. These for rectal use-only stickers are absolutely perfect. Put on the tools at work. You also put them on fruits and vegetables and the store. I am dead.

Someone just sent me these stickers for rectal use only. So funny. 2% Australia. Rectal use only. Kids toys. Don't do that, Christian. That's inappropriate. Why is this so fun?

A bit of Europe as well. Mostly UK. Mostly UK people. And have you ever received? feedback from your customers that received the rectal stickers about a successful implementation and they were particularly proud of yeah a few people got told off a few people got caught sticking them in shops three or four people said that they just didn't realize they were being watched when they were sticking it on things

in you know supermarket they're all supermarket ones all the complaints we would like to honor you we believe that there is a a certain title that we could potentially give you for your involvement in this case. And that is because one of our key perpetrators who stuck things in the local area, part of the actual crime that we're investigating, obviously there's millions globally. But the ones that we're focused on, one of the perpetrators was inspired to commit the crime. She was inspired by your stickers. So she ordered something from your store for her husband, received the stickers,

thought it would be a fun day out and went and stuck them on things. So there's her, but there's also the 19,999 other stickers that are out there in the world that you have personally delivered to the hands of people. We believe that that gives you

a very honourable title of Global Mastermind. Nice. How do you feel about that? I think I like that, yeah. So does that mean it's my fault? Yes. Oh, good, thank you.

Can you say I fully accept the full responsibility and blame for all of these global crimes? Yes, I Dave take full responsibility for all of these sticker-related crimes. I'm Dave and I'm the global mastermind of this crime. And then the final thing of how we can move this forward is, what's the future of this prank? I don't know really. I think I feel like sticking, as I said earlier, sticking a rectal-use sticker on something is for many people,

just the first step of kind of releasing yourself from the kind of social restriction that we're all bound by. So I think it needs to be first, of a sequence of things. So, you know, step one, stick, stickers and other stuff get told off. You have to get told off, otherwise it doesn't work properly. You're hoping that no one will actually read those instructions

for rectal use only on a helmet, and buy that helmet, take it home and then try and insert it. You're not thinking that kind of, you're assuming no one will actually follow the instructions. Yeah, I am. It's more about doing something that you're not allowed to do. That's what it's about.

It's not so much about the insertion. It's about the journey, not the insertion. It's about the journey, not the insertion, yeah. And so how would you feel, Dave, if we collaborated and we helped you come up with a version 2.0 of, for rectal use only instructions to send out as a next wave? Yes, please. Next chapter in this story. I think that would be amazing.

But Dave, you do understand that their earlier title, We Granted You, which was Global Mastermind, we'll have to then become co-global mastermind because we will also be partly responsible for creating this crime. We can share, it's all right. That's very generous of you. Just wanted to check. We're not so generous when it comes to sharing,

so we just weren't sure if you were the same. But that's good. Have we just become Mrs. Inappropriate? We're not married. No, no, but together we are Mrs. Inappropriate. If Dave is Mr. Inappropriate, that makes us Mrs. Inappropriate. Yeah, do it, yeah, I know.

Okay, great, thank you. Thank you for that. Mr Inappropriate hasn't just confessed to being the global mastermind. He's also courageously welcomed Karen and I to join in, officially making us co-perpetrators and granting us the title of Mrs Inappropriate. It was an exhilarating moment. A career highlight. Everything has fallen into place.

But the case isn't over. One final mission remains and it involves a staff room, a card and an icon named Terry. Carrie, where are you? That's Karen. I mean you help me. What happens next will determine

whether we can finally bring closure to the victims of this crime and to Chipping Norton itself. So Terry, we're back in the staff room. Yes. Memories. We have a little something for you. Okay.

I'm sorry, not sorry. Rectual use only. I'm supposed to shove the card at my ass, am I? Dear Terry, sorry not sorry for the rectal stickers. However, I do believe I was not the only one. I'm sorry that it caught on, but I hope it brightened everyone's day and you got a laugh out of it. Love from the perpetrator.

We had a laugh, customers weren't so impressed. Do you think there's forgiveness in your heart? Yeah. I think it's gone on long enough. They're sort of sorry but they're not, but I can see why. Because it was a bit of fun at the end of the day. So this person was the original conceptor of this crime in Chipping Norton. She didn't actually go into your store, but we're giving this to you because after all of the people that we've seen that are victims of this crime,

We think you are the face of the victims. We think you are worst affected in this store. Is there a final message you'd like to... Yes, please, Claire. Laugh and a joke aside, it's fine. Just don't do it again. Imagine that right here around your staff room table is a group of the perpetrators who did this to your store.

What do you want to say to them? I don't appreciate all the time that I wasted trying to peel off those stickers. My nails were completely ruined. please keep your rectal stickers to yourself in the future, please. What do you want to say to them? Congratulations. Well done.

Love it. Why? And that would be it, really. It's fun. It's funny. We want to know, Dave. What message would you like to share with all of the perpetrators of this prank? My message is for you people to be creative and be proud.

If you think, oh no, I can't stick it there because that's terrible. That means that's where you need to stick it. And if you think you might get caught and terrible things might happen, that's where it needs to go. What message would you like to share with the people that haven't yet had the confidence to use the stickers you've sent them? These stickers are for you. If it's easy for you to stick the stickers in some way you really shouldn't, then that's fine, brilliant, do it, it's funny. But the real benefit is for those of you who find it difficult. You know, this is the first step to learning who you really are and being yourself.

Just do a naughty thing. Okay, great. Well, that is, I mean, rural, rectal rampage is closed. Job done. Consider it done. Consider it solved. Another global case. New day, new case. New case, correct. Tomorrow's another day. Probably solve another case. I just wonder if we've come to the end of the road with our detective career progression and it might be time to become unqualified doctors. Or real police.

I was thinking of doing the actual course. The detective course? Yeah. We could become actual private investigators. We're just not very subtle. I think you need to be subtle. I think you're genuinely, and I mean this, I don't know why, I hate being genuine on this,

but this is a genuine moment. I actually think you have the makings of an amazing detective. Excuse me? Yeah, I do. I actually do. You are subtle. You've kind of got the firm, sort of a firm hand. What do you want for me?

You can be quite sneaky. How many episodes have we got out and you're just saying this now? Yeah, just felt like... You lay into me on a daily basis. I don't believe that. No, you've got a lot of work to you. You haven't, like, if you'd applied yourself, as my point. I'm not saying you're not there, yeah.

There's the backhanded element. Just saying you've got the potential. Yeah, yeah, yeah, got it, yeah. It's a potential to be better. Potential. Okay, great. That turns from something really nice into something really just not necessary.

I kind of feel like I've cracked this one, so... You cracked it because I told you to call, Dave. Could have just called him and been like, do you want to speak to us? He said, no, I could have put the phone down, or I could have been phenomenal at building trust and get him to confess. I think what we're saying here is actually we're a good team here. Yeah, I think what we're saying is we're a good team. We're just giving ourselves compliments.

But ultimately, what that means is together we are good, I think. Apart we are abominable. Together we're okay. And sometimes apart, we're okay as well. Yeah, you've really thrived in this episode, which actually fucks me off. What does this mean for your reputation? I think this is a good thing? I don't know.

I mean, I walked around the local supermarket the other day and I saw Megan, and they're all a bit scared of me in there. But you haven't yet gone in there and rounded everyone up for a staff meeting and said, listen up, staff. I have managed to track down the global mastermind. I actually got a bit cocky. Yeah, I sort of strutted around the toilet paper aisle

and caught Megan doing a delivery and I went, oh hey, just wanted to check you got the episode to approve and I sort of just went, we caught the perpetrator, you know. And then I went and it's not who you think. We need to hold a staff meeting. We need to hold a town hall and chipping Norton and get all the staff meetings to come together

and we need to make an announcement that we've caught the global mastermind. And instead of putting them behind bars, we're going to celebrate them. Okay, I'm going to go now by. Okay, bye.