Who Shat On The Floor At My Wedding? And Other Crimes - S3 E25 Mayonnaise Madness - Part Two

Episode Date: May 6, 2026

The phone number we’ve been accidentally sitting on this whole time is finally called, and the voice on the other end is a shock to say the least.Is this really the work of one person? Or could there be a wider network of mayonnaise molesters operating within Detective LK’s inner circle?We return to the Red Light District to question a dangerously familiar suspect from Season 1. And then… the ambush. But when the moment comes, will the target walk straight into our trap or will he come prepared?The finale drops on May 21st.Support us on Patreon http://patreon.com/whoshatontheflooratmyweddingFollow us on Instagram @whoshatontheflooratmywedding for case evidence and behind-the-scenesSound design by @avaud.io Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

previously on mayonnaise madness. It's a disgusting amount of a disgusting condiment. I don't like someone, A, knowing my address, and B, spending up to 200 euros to mess with me. So if the detective hates it and it happens, is it a hate crime? That seems right to me. And all of this goes off imminently.

So it can't even be used. If you like mayonnaise, you can't even use it. We're going to track down this perpetrator and we're going to make them eat the whole fucking thing. that you know that is in your inner circle is fucking with you. I just don't know what we can do to them that's going to make me feel good about this. This started out as like a true crime case and it's turning into a revenge story. But I think that's what this is.

Might have some data here. On the delivery slip, there's a phone number, which is not detectives, the recipient's number. The phone number is not the recipient's phone number. No. And have you tried calling it? No. Well, well, yeah, I would say call the number. see what happens. Do you want me to call the number?

Oh my God, put us on mute. Definitely not your phone number. That's... That is not my phone number. No. Want me to put it on speaker right away? Speaking right away, yep. So we have no clue. We're going to pick up this phone call then.

No clue. Please leave a message. Billy... Did you get that? Billy? Who's Billy? It was going straight to voice mail here. Hold on. Do you reach Billy Linker?

Please leave a message. Guys, you know? Yeah. Do you know who that is? Yes, I know who that is, but that is not... Why is he doing... He's not... That is weird.

Billy. Who is it? Billy is like a friend of Tobin's. That's really weird. Unless Tobin, he covered his tracks. Billy is not the only brains... There's no way Billy is doing this on his own. There's no way.

So Tobin's involved? So Tobin's involved? We need to go and interrogate Tobin. This is a twin. Who's Billy? Billy is this quite funny man who is someone I absolutely would never expect to do this because we're not extremely close.

I kind of expected this to be from someone very close to me. Like I don't even know if Billy has been to my house before or knows my address. I can't believe this. But he is very close with some people very close to us. For example, this man called Tobin who was actually a suspect on C. Were you or were you not in a bathroom, you sat on the floor, you got out an augmented reality app, you were scanning the room, through the app it looked like you hadn't shut, you left the room and that was it.

Tobin, can you please explain your relationship to the brides? Let's start with Karen. Karen and I are friends. Would you like to elaborate on that? No. Have you ever dated one of the brides? Date is an interesting verb, particularly when you're sitting next to said person's partner. Have you ever kissed someone in this room? Yes. Have you ever spent a lot of time with someone in this room at a sexual level? Lauren. What does that mean?

Do you ever feel that Karen was the one that got away? Didn't prepare. So that puts Tobin into the frame again in this crime. Why is he obsessed with being a suspect? in our podcast. Billy. Do you want me to leave him a message? I think we have to go and

interrogate Tobin, who is a key part of this first, but we really appreciate the offer. Yeah, I think we don't want him to know yet. No. Okay. Although he might call you back. He's just recently become a new father. So maybe he's busy, which is why his phone's off. Billy!

Michael, this is a very special moment that you're sharing this, we don't often share these moments. We don't often find the perpetrator. So this is actually quite a special moment that we're all holding hands remotely over. We're holding hands digitally, Michael. Yeah, it's just a virtual hug of celebration right now. Yeah, we're dancing up and down. We're doing a celebratory dance, us and you.

Do you think we're friends now? Would you class yourself as a friend? Absolutely. Connected through mayonnaise, but friends for life. Can I ask one last question? Say if you had the name of Billy before we found out the phone number key. and if we asked you, our strategy was going to be, okay, so imagine you had the full name. Imagine we wanted to know the third letter of his surname, so as a clue for us to find out who it was.

And then we suggested to go through the alphabet. So I go, A, B, C, D, E, F, and asked you if you felt like coughing at the moment we got to the right letter. That's the third, no, it's not the third letter of his surname, is it? That's the first. Yeah, N. Would you have done that and would you have felt very safe from a GDPR perspective in coughing at the third letter of his surname? I would be okay with that, yes. No issues to my end.

Awesome. Can we do it just for fun then? I want to see, I want to hear your cough. A, B, C, D. Wait, we're going to tell him what the letter is. N. It's in. Yeah, it's in.

Okay. Okay. A, B, C, D, E. F-G, H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O. Oh, no, because of the leg. Because of the leg, it comes out of P. Initially, before it was a cough, she wanted you to sneeze when we got to the litter. Sneeze is not my biggest specialty.

I would focus on the cough. You see, I think it's quite easy to sneeze on Q. I'm just going to show you, and I want to see if you think, rate it out of 10. It was definitely a fake one. You could see that. Ouch. Tim being the best, zero being the worst. What would you rate my sneeze?

Three. We'll let you know what Billy has to say for himself. I still don't think Billy is the brains behind this. I think they used his Amazon account, but he might not be the person. He would not be someone that would put 200 euros into messing with me. I really... Tabor might have done. Yeah, we'll update you, Michael.

Don't you worry? Because we've got a lot of questions for him. He knows about this. He's involved in some way and he will know the address of Billy. so we've got to go now to Tobin's house. Yeah, because the issue is, Michael, we've actually only got 24 hours to crack this case and we're already well into the process.

I think we were like six or seven hours in. And we also had a nap at the start. So like we probably shouldn't have done that. We wasted the first four hours sleeping. You have absolutely given us the ultimate information here because I think we might actually crack this. I don't want to get ahead of ourselves. But your input has been the most valuable

out of any detective on our team ever. Thank you very much. So thank you so much. We've all got a few things to learn from Michael. Our mayonnaise. What was it? mayonnaise merchant. Meany's merchant.

Michael, the mayonnaise merchant. That's it. So who is Billy and what the fuck? What is your reaction of finding out that it's Billy? Billy is an American man that lives in Amsterdam, who I've met through Tobin. If I had to kind of pick some of the funniest people I know, he would be one of them.

But I don't know him that well. I know all of your closest friends here. And I was like, who the hell is Billy? Like, I assumed it was from someone that really knew you well. That's why I'm quite shocked, honestly, because he would have had to get my address from someone. I've got his number here. Billy.

I'm going to check if I've ever messaged him. I'm not sure. Yep, Billy. Okay. I invited him to my last birthday. When you've seen him much before that. Yeah, I mean, a couple of times at parties. and gatherings and things.

I sent him a generic message saying this is a generic message from me, Lauren Kilby. So talk to me about when you first met him, how long you've known him and what your kind of general interactions are with this guy? I've probably hung out with him less than 10 times at random drinks and events. And then he's recently had a baby, so he hasn't kind of been around as much. I can't even remember the last time I've seen him. He's always messing with people, but not really with me. but that would have happened where I invited him to my birthday party,

my special day, my special event, and then instead of just coming and having a nice time and thanking me, he instead fucks with me on that day. What's his attention-seeking levels like? Do you think knowing him he would love to be on the podcast and have an episode dedicated to him? I don't think so, not necessarily. I don't know, first of all, because I don't know him that well.

But I don't think so. I don't think he's like an attention-seeker. I just wonder if Tobin put him up to it. That's what we've got to find out because it doesn't feel right with how you know him. It feels right for Tobin to have an involvement because he knows you so much better and you're much better friends

and you have a relationship where you mess with each other a little bit more. It feels right for him to be involved but we can't jump to that conclusion and we must be better detectives of going in with an open mind here. Yes. Yes, we've got to be good detectives. But honestly, like him spending a minimum of a hundred euros on me,

someone who he's not close with, doesn't add up. So there is someone else involved. There has to be. It's really weird. If you wanted to make a statement, send one package, but that's the extra two,

which makes it, to be honest, I'm being really honest, there is a bit of a creepy level to it. When it's someone that's involved in an acquaintance, it would make me feel a little bit nervous, going like, what is this about? I don't like it. My mayophobia is stronger than usual today.

Before we go further into this case and start interrogating the shit out of people, we need to understand this crime. We need to get into the mind of the perpetrators and try and understand their motives. That's why we've brought in a mayonnaise expert. My name is Clodobax Cole and I run Cafe Bucks in Amsterdam

with my husband Yaspur and it is a beer cafe. We sell a lot of fries and therefore mayonnaise. How can I help? you guys. Well, we heard that you are a bit of a mayonnaise simile. Or it could be that you're a simile in wine and also sell mayonnaise, but we've just merged, for the purpose of the podcast, merge those two together. We're presenting the evidence to Cloder. See, this is my very favourite. This is gorgeous. Helmand's mayonnaise has one of the higher percentages of egg yolk, but it's my favour of the commercial brands, because it has that lovely balance between

richness and also it's not too fatty or heavy. We explained to Cloder that all of the deliveries arrived just before their expiry dates. How much weight would I put on if I consumed five litres of mayonnaise in four months? Yeah, five kilos. One kilo per... A litre? I would say, no. It's not a direct conversion.

Like if I ate... Oh, it's not a direct conversion, I know that, but you're also eating it with fried food. You're not going to eat it from the right? Yeah, okay. Let's look at the next one. This is where he gets offensive. Just before we go on to the next one, the only other angle that's just come to me now

is that someone might be a little bit jealous of your aesthetic appearance. Oh, like my weight. Yeah, they're like, well, I wish you pile on some pounds. They're threatened by my slender physique. Yeah, threatened by your beauty. And they want me to like fatten up. Yeah, or it's like fattening up a pig.

Or maybe they're like into larger women sexually and they want to fatten me up so I'll become more attractive to them. This is definitely something we need to explore. So like a kind of like an absent feeder. Yeah, exactly. An absent feeder. Yeah.

And so then they're going to come over once I finish the 30 litres of mayonnaise that they send me. And they're like, oh, you're nice and plump. Would you like to go on a date? It is possible that this person has a major crush on me. Yeah. Because also you do bad things to the people you love. Yeah. Have you suspected anyone in your immediate circle who you know you love you?

Honestly, I suspect to Karen. at the start. I mean, hate can be very, it's like hate and love can be very close to each other. So maybe hate and sexual chemistry is also close, but I can promise you that I'm not attracted to me. I'm not attracted to you now, sadly. And then I asked Helen about it. I asked her about the mayonnaise.

I said, promise, please just tell me, was it Karen? And she said, honestly, if it was, she hasn't told me about it. And I actually believed Helen. The fact that they've gone down to these little mini like portions, I do feel like there's a message in there. But what that message is? The fact that they are coming in different sized packaging seems to be, you know... Telling a story.

Yes. But in that summertime period, you got the three deliveries and then suddenly they stopped. The last mayonnaise delivery arrived in September 2024. And now it's been radio silence. Weeks later, Billy became a father. My gut tells me it's an admirer. And that stopped because they saw that you weren't putting on wake because they were following you really intensely on social media and like,

It's not working, so you just gave up. They've been watching me from across the street, and they've seen me come out, and they've been like, oh, God, she's looking quite slender, actually. She's not really packing on the pounds. And has your journey been interrupted trying to get to the gym through weird road closures? So this is someone with a fat fetish.

Someone wanted to fatten you a hook. That's so lazy. Or an admirer who was oblivious to the fact that you really hate mayonnaise. You work in hospitality. The first time I was aware of it was. of such large-scale items was when I went to your cafe storage. And I was like, fuck, I've never even imagined. Of course it makes sense that you need mega, like, sized things.

But it would never have occurred to me because I don't live in the hospitality space or the food industry. And so what has occurred to me is that it's someone that Lauren knows. Tobin, who knows Lauren, knows she hates mayonnaise. We don't know if he knows it. We do not know for sure that he knows it. Well, from the last call, like I think it's leading that he's got something to do with it. He runs a hot sauce company

what is famous to put with mayonnaise for a little hamburger sauce, hot sauce. Tobin's motive could be to get back at me after I exposed him for turning Karen into a lesbian in season one. I just feel like there's been a few paths that are leading towards Tobin. Tobin, a man who has access to industrial-sized tubs of mayonnaise

through his hot sauce company. And I'm promising that my gut feeling, and I know this is not how detectors work, they don't go on instinct, but my instinct is really telling me that this was Tobin's idea. Tobin, a friend in my inner circle who knows my address

and who might know that I hate mayonnaise. He wants him to mess with you because we messed with him in season one real bad. Ah, payback. So you're saying that Tobin has orchestrated this whole thing as payback slash to get his hot sauce name out there. Yeah.

So it's a whole advertising ploy. It's a PR stunt. It's a PR stunt. From him. And we're buying into it. And we're the victims. Let's change the name of his fucking brand. Yeah, yeah.

We'll give you a sponsorship. We'll do a whole advert for something that isn't the name of your brand. Yeah, let's advertise for like free ratcham hot sauce. Siracha mayo combo. Yeah, it goes really well with mayonnaise. But all just like, oh, Tabesco is a lovely hot sauce. You said he's really good friends with this guy, right?

Very, yeah. Yeah, they would have been having beers. He would have been like, I'm getting annoyed. The podcast became really famous with me being, like, framed to having shat on the floor at Karen and Helen's wedding. And they'd be like, how can we get back at them? They're looking for new cases. Let's fucking mess with them. So it's actually a male conspiracy.

It's a condiment conspiracy. It's not making me feel good, especially the sexual angle. It makes me feel a bit sick fattening at someone up on mayonnaise. But sorry, is Tobin the one that wants to fatten me out? Does Tobin have a crash on me? Yeah. You're about to find out. The sick fucked up thing.

is that he's really good friends with my boyfriend. And does my boyfriend know that one of his best friends has a crush on fat me? I'm ready to go and get him now. Okay, so it is T-minus one hour in 60 minutes. We are going to be walking inside to suspect Tobin's house. Let's tell him we don't know who it is. Yeah.

But we do know, and the reason, we're going for Tobin's, we think it's his idea. It's not just Billy. Billy executed the plan, but Tobin is in on it, and that makes him equally culpable. Yeah. What am I going to ask him? We haven't got any questions. Can we write something down?

Yeah. Dear Tobin. So should we divide this into two parts, friendly trust building, and then going for him. Should we do a trust fall? I think someone's going to get hurt. Possibly. I think we should do a trust fall. We've got to leave in like half an hour.

No, we've got to leave in 13 minutes. First bullet point in the list is a tiny trust fall where he has to fall onto our arms. No, no, no, his arm falls onto our arms. What? So he used to go, like, hold his arm in the ear and then let it drop and we get to catch it. Let's get a proper tiny trustful.

He doesn't have to go back very far. We'll just, like, proper... Somehow. I'll make some weird threesome with us three, like physical touch. So I'll go on left shoulder and you go on the right shoulder. I think it's so weird that we're going to like first just get in there and start touching him in his own home. It's just so weird that we're like, can we both touch you from the behind? Yeah, but you can't see us.

To be quite honest, this is what happens when you have zero preparation. You've got 24 hours to crack a case. Like we have weird things like this and it's a quick way of getting trust. So I just don't think it's going to instill trust. I think it's actually going to do the opposite. Why? Because we'll catch him. No, but he's not going to like the touch. Unless he's sexually attracted to me.

Which is possible. It will also be interesting. read his body language. True. If he falls more closer to me. I think we say, you are allowed to say the name of your hot sauce and a one-liner if

you tell us some information. What was it confession for advertising? Yeah. I don't want him like using our podcast as a platform to like propel himself into success. If we're not satisfied with the answer, we'll change the fucking name to Tabasco and that will be the threat. Yes. If we're not satisfied

we're going to go back in sound design and we're going to change your name of your hot sauce to Tabasco if we're not happy with the information you give us. Do you mention if we get in trouble because Tabasco's don't want anything to do with us? And they're like, can you take down our brand association? For this episode alone, we're going to get sued by Helmonds, Vivo, Remya and Tabasco. It's Livo, not Vivo. That sounds like a vulva cream. Which actually probably looks quite similar to Levo.

This episode is sponsored by Vivo. smooth and irritation on your vulva within moments. Right, bag cop time. Do you feel ecstatic empowered, aroused or terrified? That's our eat philosophy, Trey Bart. About what, though? There's no fucking question. That's just emotions.

I'll think of something when I'm there. I'll think of something when I'm on the spot. Bard cop is a feeling, though, and it's something that just courses through your things. Bad cop is a feeling. I know that. I've made it. Bad cop is a lifestyle. I know.

I'm trying to say that you've got this. But I said that. Bad cop is a lifestyle. This is enough, I reckon. Yeah. Wing the rest. Wing it. Let's get this fucking show on the road, Lauren.

Yeah. Every time we get these hidden microphones out, I feel buzzed. So I'll also put some mayonnaise in my pocket. What are we doing with our lives? This is our job. Never last time we came to the red light in season one I got hit on. That was in your head. We're such bad detectives.

The Red Light District. Here we are again. Oh, we're only three minutes late. Here it is. Yeah, this is it. Let's do this. I feel like I'm going to the principal's office. Why is you not asking?

Answer. Tobin. I hope he's not got something off his sleeve. He's not fucking with us, is he? Is he watching us? Why do you reckon he's... Have he not got something planned? I hope not to.

I've suddenly just got a weird feeling. Me too, I don't feel comfortable. Because normally he'd come up for. Because normally he knew we were almost here. He knows, I don't like that he could be listening through his peat pole. Yeah. Why do we always get in peat pole situations? Hi, Pohman.

Hi. Welcome. So did you not hear us, Baz? No. Oh, okay, good. But how did you know we were here? You messaged me. Oh, yeah.

So, wait, are you guys going to try? What's your motive? Are you going to try to, like, frame me for something? Okay, enough small talk. So how does this season work? You guys are going to try to do multiple crimes. Well, should we just have a nice little chat before we get into that? Because it's important that we all just feel good in our bodies and our skins and our voices.

Have you ever done any theatre work before where you kind of do those warm-up exercises? You know, and you're like bumblebee, bumble-bee, bumble-bee, those kind of things, like warm-up exercises. I feel like we need to get the energy up a little bit. And so... Or have you been to a summit where you've had to do a team dynamic building exercise? It's not just drama. It wasn't described as a summit. I think it was part of a punishment plan

for something I did wrong when I was about 16. But yes, I've fallen backwards into people's arms. Funny you should say that. Should we, because I just feel like that's the kind of thing we need right now to just get me off. I'm not falling backwards into your arms. What about a tiny little...

Tiny trust fall. I'm using my hand and it's perpendicular. We'll stand here and then it just fall very slightly like that. I don't trust either of you. No, but we want you to trust us. That's what we want you. to get out of the trust fall. We can build up to it.

We can build up to it. We can sort of the first time we'll just hold you when you're standing straight. Okay, lean back slightly. Honestly, I think it's important that you trust us. This is so bizarre.

I did not expect to start this way. What? What can we do right now if you don't want to do the touching that will enable you to trust us? I'm finding out the touching. I'm just wondering where this is going. Honestly, it's simple.

We just want to create... All right, I'll fall on your arms. Are we doing this? Yeah, let's do it. Oh, God. Okay, you put... One, two, three. One, two, three.

One, two, three. One, two, three. Don't forward. I think that's enough. That's enough. That's well done. You've passed your tiny trustful exercise. Turn them as very teens.

Do you trust us? Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay, next point on the agenda. Now that we've created a friendly environment, what's next? Oh, the weather is, what do you think of the weather?

It's been quite changeable today, isn't it? Are you guys on drugs? Did you eat drugs from the shop outside? Why are you interviewing me, actually? We'll get to that. So weather, tip. Do you know why we're here in your house today? I have no idea why you're here.

You put into my calendar a nice friendly conversation. Correct. We're investigating a crime. Now listeners, you may be under the impression that the trust fall has worked and has created a calm, open and trusting environment for a seamless interrogation. We thought that too, but we're all about to be very wrong. What was that look? I just have a lot of questions about what motivates you.

And I hope that we can at some point get into that. Because why do you need to know the answer? answers. What answers? I'm not saying, I'm saying in general. Tobin, I am the victim of a crime, and that's because someone has been sending me unsolicited condiments, and those condiments of mayonnaise, and those have come in three different formats. I am aware of this happening. What's the biggest load of mayonnaise you've ever bought for your own business terms? So as part of this food business, I am a member at several of the large commercial, um, where you're not. And so, you're not going to be a business. Um, warehouses where you go to buy in bulk.

But I can tell you I've never purchased anything bigger or been part of purchasing anything bigger than what's in my fridge right now. It occurred to me that I actually do have a sizable amount of mayonnaise in my fridge. That's very, very suspicious. This is the moment where everything starts falling apart. Answer the question, Tobin. I'm not sure that mayonnaise, I think. Tobin?

Tobin. He was funnier when he did. Tobin. Yeah. Do you know who sent the mayonnaise to Lauren's house? I don't know them personally. Do you know who sent the mayonnaise to Lawrence House? I don't know them personally.

Do you know their name? I was told an alias that may or may not be their name. What is the alias name that was given to you in relation to the mayonnaise? Why in the world would I tell you that? Why do you have to know? More slippery, evasive answers. How many hours have you been talking about me behind my back in relation to mayonnaise? Uh, I would say no more.

more than one 12th of an hour. We've got to speak to that mathematician at some point to work out. So let's add that to the list. That's about five minutes. Okay, fine. Oh, yeah, because one, yeah, I understand. Five minutes, yeah, I could have worked that up. Are you telling us everything that you know?

Are you being honest with us? You haven't asked the questions. Do you think I could have a little look at your phone? Sure. Could you let me in? The last few people that you've spoken to, we've got one called business talk. We've got one from Jim.

We've got Jim, we've got Lauren saying we're here. We've got Christy, what Yul, Anna, Naomi, Ben, Will, Daisy, Thomas, Marcher, Carlos. We've got someone called Billy. Is the person that sent the mayonnaise one of the names that I just read out? Maybe. Can I open some messages?

No. Give us something, Tobin. I have something, if I can ask a question. No. That's been really eating me. No, unless it's relating to this crime. Are you guys really mad at Selena Gomez and just the fact that that whole show

Only Murder's in the building just completely took your stick and ran with it? What are you talking about? No, we don't have beef with Selena Gomez. Tobin wants to play games. Well, guess what, Tobin? So do we. It's time to turn the heat up and move on to bribery.

Tobin, do you know how many listeners we've got to this podcast? 42. So we have got between 10 million and 11 million downloads. Oh, what's this being slid over the table? Is this the potential offer of a one-line advertisement for your growing hot sauce business? It's not hot sauce. In exchange.

Healthy heat. For some actual fucking information that might actually. Help us. This is not how this works. When we give you the one line, this is very important you listen to me right now. Seriously important. When we give you the one line,

which you can say before you give the information, when we go into sound mix on this episode, if we are not satisfied with the information that you give to us, we will swap your hot sauce name for Tabasco. And I am not joking. You would never do that. Well, the joke would be on you because it's, It's a far inferior product than what we're making.

It's got legacy. It's got legacy. My dad fucking loves it. I love it. Yeah, I love the Greenland. It's because they don't know any better. Yes, but he who shouts the loudest. I am surprised that you all went straight for the kill

versus trying to ask the questions to try to figure out what I know. Because obviously, I am never, ever, ever, ever, ever going to give up somebody that I don't even know. The thing is, Tobin, there is something that we're. we know, and we know that you are lying to us. We know that this person is real and you know who they are. New tactic. Karen attempts to intimidate Tobin with a penetrating glare. I'm having a really hard time with this glare I'm getting from the lead detective.

Karen, I'm just smiling at you. I've never been so intimidated by Karen before. I'm really proud of you, Karen. Thanks. I will be very happy and less intimidating if you just start cooperating a little bit. We don't need to have this tension, Tobin. I will never give the name up You'll take it to your grave

Probably not But I will not say the name today I got street cred I don't want to snitch Is this person a good friend of yours No I know of them I've never met them I somehow

Don't believe that Why are you lying? Fact Tobin What the fuck Why are you coming in so hot I just want to know, were you involved in the ideation? I was not. I would believe that maybe they're trying to communicate something that has to do with

why you would start a podcast in the first place. Are they trying to take us a listen or something? You're trying to teach us a listen? Well, let me tell you what it's going to backfire. And it is backfiring. The backfiring process starts right now. The moment his cam is. It's time to find out if Tobin is trying to fetten me up like a suckling pig.

Have you ever owned animals? I don't, I like to think of it more as a reciprocal relationship. I don't really like to own them. You didn't ever grow up in a sort of farm-like environment with, you know, ducks and chickens and pigs running around. There was a stray cat that showed up at my house when I was a little kid. And I begged my mom to keep it. And then a month or two later, it had kittens. And it was...

I think so she killed it? No. Have you ever reared an animal to eat it? Did you eat the kitten? Did you eat your pig kitten? I never ate the kitten. I have never raised an animal to eat it. No, no, no, no.

I don't think I'd feel great about that. Would you not? You wouldn't want to fatten up a pig, for example, and then tuck in? No, I don't eat pork. Why are we getting away from the topic of why somebody would be sending you mayonnaise? Have you gotten to that question yet? Yes, we have Tobin. And actually that's what Karen's referring to right now,

because somebody has a little crush on me. And they are trying to fatten me up. And then when the last sachet hits my hips, they're going to come on over and invite me out for dinner. Do you honestly believe that somebody is sending you mayonnaise because they want to get you into a form? with which they will be more attracted to you than they already are now?

That was where you landed? I eat it all, I get really fat, and then this person dates me and we live happily ever after. Which option do you want this to be type? And which outcome do you want? Have you been laughing about it behind Lauren's back? We've been admiring. Admiring.

We. It is a heck of a statement that's being made. They are all talking about me behind my back, about something that I don't have enough information about, and I don't like it. You can lean over me all you want. You can bang the table. You can throw things at me.

You can poke me with things. All the stuff that you're doing right now will not get the name out of me. I can't give it up. Now it's time for the final strategy. Get out of my chair. Reach into my pocket and start throwing mini sachets of mayonnaise at Tobin's head.

Stop throwing things at me! What are you doing? Why are you throwing mayonnaise at me? Ow! I didn't do it. Feel it. To touch it. Why is it cold?

What if I was to tell you that you know and I know who process the delivery of these three items? I don't believe that. And do you know them? Yep, I know them. They're alias. I know them. How? did you find this out?

I'm not willing to give that information because I do believe you're at an impasse, I suppose. I do believe that you're in contact with that person and have been in the past 12 hours. Yeah, I would say so. Because I know that this person is one of your very, very good friends. And I need you to be real with me right now, mainly because you've got to leave in 25 minutes

and we've got hours to solve this case. I don't know where you're going with this and I don't follow. I've had enough of your shit, Tobin, honestly. I don't think you guys know anything. Okay, Tobin, we're going to let you do one line about your hot sauce brand, which I know is actually healthy heat, not hot sauce. But you have to give us in return one piece of information about this crime,

and it has to be something we don't already know. And if we don't like it, we will either bleep it out or put the word Tabasco over your hot source name. So give us a piece of information first, and then deliver your line. Can you confirm that there will be 10 million listeners? Uh, no, because that was probably more season one. Downloads. It's probably more season one as well.

It's a risk you're going to have to be willing to take. The 100% natural, warm embrace from real peppers. Grown in the ground under the warm, warm, loving Andalusian sun. Tabasco. Everyone loves it, the best one. Way more delicious than any independent, healthy sources made from peppers grown in Andalusia. Tabasco, established since 1866.

You do the maths. We were here first and we'll be here last. What's the information? Because that was also longer than one line, so give us multiple pieces of information. You could probably consider this person by way of marriage and by way of residence,

at least partially European. Billy has a French wife and he lives in Europe. Karen and I need a moment. Can you please go somewhere? No, this is my house. Can you please go outside there? Should we just leave them?

Should we just go? Because I think we've hit the wall then. And I don't think we want him to know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I think that's a wrap. Yeah, that's all. Thank you so much. If you feel gratitude,

you apparently open yourself up. A really good things to happen. And that's how I feel right now. I'm feeling really good. So thank you for helping us on that journey. What are you up to this weekend? There's been a pivot. There's been no pivot.

I'm going to stop recording now. Thank you very much for your timetab. And it's been really lovely seeing you again. We'll hopefully see you for season four. We're back at the detective agency discussing the game plan. So next steps for the case of the monster mayo, the case of mayonnaise mayhem is one, come up with a plan to confront Billy

and two, confront Billy for satisfying dramatic closure to episodes. I feel like he's going to be very difficult to lure in under false pretend. though, this guy. So everything with this guy, I think, has to be an ambush. For us to win, and it's all about winning, my dad says, no one ever remembers who came second. I think it has to be an ambush.

There has to be an element of surprise. He didn't think you'd be that clever to catch him. Well, it's another level if we surprise him. We'll walk him through the crime that he committed. Yeah. And what mistakes he made along the way? And we'll be like, you are the worst criminal mastermind that exists. You suck.

You absolutely suck. We need to get to know him a little bit better through his friend just to understand his weaknesses so we can exploit them. Who should we talk to? I think Tobin actually sadly is the best person to talk to about that. Oh God, not again. I know.

Phase one, go crawling back to the person who is closest to Billy, Tobin, to bribe him again. The reason we're talking to you again is that, as you know, we slid across the table a little offer to include an ad for your brand, your healthy heat source in this episode. The information that you gave us about the perpetrator, we don't like it.

So we have redacted your previous ad. That's just not fair. Well, it's going to be fair now. You have the chance to make this right. And I want to ask you a question. Would you still like us to play an ad in this episode? I think it would be in the interest of your audience. Yes or no.

Yes or no, Tobin. Yes, please. Tobin, if we do this for you, this favor for you, what we need from you is we need you to be on our side and we need you to keep a really big secret for a little while. Okay. Is that something you can do? If either of you are pregnant, I'm going to be so excited.

Why would we be telling you first if we were pregnant. Tobin, the person we need you to keep the secret from is Billy. Your friend Billy, he is the person you absolutely cannot tell. Everything will come out in the edit, but you need to help us with two favours. Okay. So what I need to know is, Tobin, do we have a deal? Yes.

You don't know what the favour is yet? I thought the favour was that I just don't tell him. No, no, no, there's two additional things. We need you on side. Okay. Cool. Taibin, do we have a deal? We have a deal.

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Tobin has been successfully bribed. Phase two. Request two favours to help us set up a Billy ambush. We are hoping to possibly have access to your flats. Sure. I don't think you need to be there. We just need to be in your flat without you there. Yeah, okay.

So basically you're saying, can we borrow your house? Yeah. Yeah, sure, of course. That's part one of the favour. Part two of the favour is we need you to lure in Billy. I can do that. Phase three, Tobin to lure Billy in. We need Billy to show up at Tobin's house expecting a catch-up with his friend.

But when he turns up, Tobin will be nowhere to be seen. But we will be hiding. 23 minutes later, Operation Fake Nacho event is in motion. I have a friend in town and wants to get some people together to go to Nachos pop-up. You down. That's Saturday afternoon, right? Ticks are cheap, but need to grab a couple people before they run out. Let's do it.

Sweet. I'll try to buy those tickets tonight. Try. There is no ticket. Why can't you just hypothetically buy them? Also, also, for this nacho thing on Saturday, can you do in early evening, 6pm? Yeah, sure. Operation Fake Nacho event has been a success.

Billy has taken the bait. I honestly think it sounds so awesome. And then he responded back to that, which I did not send you, should I wear a suit? Or is it a success? Probably because he always wears a suit in his videos. So potentially he knows something's coming. Do you re-in? Yeah, it doesn't feel right.

A pop-up suggests informal. Like there's nothing in that that suggests formality requiring a suit. Oh, shit. And if he does know, I trust Tobin very fully. do I that you have I mean you have kept this fully secret from him yes it would be very silly for me too

I want you guys to be able to you know turn this into a success you've told him you've told him I've told him I'm teasing no he wouldn't have told him I honestly don't he's no way I can only deceive one person at a time I don't think he's told him I don't think he would do that to us

and also he wants to promote his hot sauce on our episode so he's not going to put his business in danger just to be a good friend. I just want to say a genuine thank you for what you have done so far on WhatsApp to lay the foundations for this ambush because we could not have done this without you. We could not do it without you. No, this is like when the bank robbers come in and say like, oh, you've been such a good hostage. We'd just like to thank you for how good you are at your hostage-keeping.

You've made our job better. Are you saying I've performed Stockholm syndrome on you? Yes. Have I Stockholm syndromeing you? Yes. When you threw packets of heavy mayonnaise at me, that I took as a very violent act that meant I had to stay in line. Now for you to turn it around and be like, good job screwing your friend.

No. No, no, no, no, no. You guys are the scum of the earth. And you're lucky you have this audience base because otherwise, I don't know what you would do. So what I would like to say is I'm sorry Billy. They made me do it. We're going to cut that from the episode.

Billy's pretty tricky. This might, I think you guys really need to make sure you got all your bases covered. I could see him spinning this quite handily. Genuinely, how can we, what should we be careful about? I think he has a tendency to escalate. The other thing that is important to understand is that he actually is on camera as a job interviewing people. He's very good at the ad lib.

He's very good on his feet. Are you saying he's too clever for us? Kind of. I don't agree with that. We're pretty good in the moment, in the heat of the moment. I'm saying he gets paid a salary to do what you guys do as a hobby.

Hobby! Hobby! Burn! Okay, so we will be supporting Tobin's hot sauce brand, Tabasco, in this episode. Go to tabasco.com now. He's going to love this because this is the way his brain works. And so it is kind of, it's the meeting, it's kind of like the last scene in a Marvel movie.

It's like all of the superheroes have come together and they've met, for whatever reason in my front bedroom, and they're going to have their intergalactic war here. But one is a superhero that just does it as a hobby, and one's like a proper professional superhero is what I'm hearing. Yeah. But either way, it's the meeting of great minds in your bedroom. in your bedroom where you sleep at night.

It's almost like if you take golfers from the live tour and the PGA and they come together in a major and you're like, who's actually better? Because we don't know. I mean, maybe out there being, you know, 50, 60 million views on TikTok versus podcast that was number 19 on The Guardian. You know, I mean, that... Of the whole year, of the whole year, that was a really good place. And we bet Joe Rogan at one point

Anyway, I don't feel like I need to defend our podcast to you, Tobin. Let's go now because this is just turning very sour. Thank you, Tobin. Seriously, we appreciate it. I know this isn't a hobby. Yeah, no, we know you know that. I was teasing. I know how hard you work. You guys are amazing. No, I know you're a fan, so that's fine.

Phase four. Buy ingredients to make mayonnaise on the way over to Tobin's house because making mayonnaise will be Billy's punishment. Let's get that one, the shit one. No. We're not going to eat it though. Are we? I think we should taste it.

Phase 5. Prepare for the ambush. Billy arrives at 630 to 7, thinking he is meeting Tobin for a pop-up nachos event. He buzzers and hears Tobin's voice through the intercom. Tobin's pre-recorded voice that we will play through a speaker. He hears... Hey dude! I'm holding the speaker next to the door so that hey dude goes through the intercom

and then I press the buzzer to let him in. Then I very silently, so he doesn't hear any weird footsteps shuffling around. Put the Bluetooth speaker into Tobin's bedroom, which is where we want to lure Billy into, and then I quickly run out, could get caught if I'm not quick enough, to go into the spare room, which is where Detective Lauren Kilby and I will be hiding. Then he enters through the main door of the house, which will be slightly ajar. I need to remember to do that. He hears the next recording, recording number two, coming from Tobis' bedroom through the speakers.

Hey, I'm in here. Look at these peppers. He hopefully walks immediately into the bedroom to find a microphone and a phone, and we'll be very quietly hiding in the spare bedroom. Might not be so straightforward as that, but let's try. Okay, then we play recording number three. Hello, Billy. Please put this microphone on. And this will be the microphone that it will be all connected

and it will already be recording that he will know how to put on because he's a filmmaker and he knows these Tazcams. The other thing that will be shown in the bedroom at that time when he enters will be this prop that Karen has ordered from the internet, which is an old phone that connects to a new phone and acts like a phone because it is one. So it's basically two phones and one.

To see a photo of this extremely unnecessary prop and our ambush set up, go to our Instagram page at WhoShat on the floor at my wedding. I'll call it. He'll answer that. Before that, we do the recording because he doesn't know yet. Unfortunately, there will be no nachos tonight. No nachos, no nachos, no nachos, no nachos, no nachos.

But he will now know that there will be no nachos tonight. No nachos tonight. No nachos, no nachos. Then the phone rings. He picks it up. I say, as you've just heard... Well, first of all, we say, hello, Billy. As you've just heard, there will be no nachos tonight. But are you hungry? And then I will have hidden a banana on a plate and put it in Tobin's undies drawer or some other random place in his room. And Lauren will direct him to open that drawer to find the banana on a plate. If he is hungry. If he's not, we just leave the banana there and Tobin, we'll find it later. Then, this is your meal tonight. Eat it now if you are hungry.

Do you want to be a bit more sinister, be like there will be no further food opportunities? Oh, well, that's not true. There'll be mayo. Oh, yeah. And then thank you for joining us tonight. Would you like to meet us now? Because we are in the house. Because he doesn't know that yet.

And then as he shuffles down the little corridor to the spare room, I have to then burst out. this woman that he's never seen and met at all ever in his life. And I have to silently, but slightly sinisterly, with no facial expression or no giggling, I have to go grab, retrieve the GoPro that's in Tobin's bedroom and then go and set it up to the place where it can capture what is about to happen in the spare bedroom with Billy.

Then we meet. Then we do the lie detector test, and then we make mayonnaise to overcome mayophobia. The trap is set. we have only one shot at this it's time to find out if Tobin has kept his mouth shut and if Billy will confess I have no idea what's about to happen

but I can tell you one thing I hear a bike shit tonight for at least one person things are about to go from good to very bad wait wait the GoPro's not on just wait just wait just wait just wait

Okay, I'm letting you man I can't say anything but it's fine Hey dude Coming up next on mayonnaise madness Unfortunately there will be no nachos Tonight hello Billy Please who is this Would you like to meet us because we are in this house with you right now