Who Shat On The Floor At My Wedding? And Other Crimes - S3 E26 Mayonnaise Madness - Part Three

Episode Date: May 20, 2026

It’s time for the final showdown with the perp.The trap is set. Billy will arrive at Tobin’s house, expecting to see his friend for a pop up nacho event. But his friend Tobin will not be there, and there will be no nachos tonight. Instead two detectives will be lying in wait, ready to ambush him, strap him up to the USB polygraph military edition v 3.0 lie detector machine, and ask him the big question: WHY?One thing is certain, we will get the answers we came for.The next case opens on June 4th.Support us on Patreon http://patreon.com/whoshatontheflooratmyweddingFollow us on Instagram @whoshatontheflooratmywedding for case evidence and behind-the-scenesSound design by @avaud.io Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The clock on Tobin's wall reads 6.42 p.m. In 18 minutes, the perpetrator of this crime will ring the doorbell, a perpetrator who made a fatal mistake. Do you want me to call the number? When he left his number on one of the order forms... Do you preach Billy Lincoln? Please leave a message. Do you guys hear that? Billy! Who's Billy?

I can't believe this. I know all of your closest friends here, and I was like, who the hell is Billy? Him spending a minimum of 100 euros on me, someone who he's not close with, doesn't add up. Why did Billy send me two buckets and 200 sachets of soon to expire mayonnaise? A condiment I am known to hate. My God tells me it's an admirer. Billy could have a romantic obsession. Not with me as I exist today.

Because somebody has a little crush on me. But with a larger version of me. You wouldn't want to like fatten up a peg for example and then tuck in. And they are trying to fatten me up. Kind of like an absent feeder. When the last sachet hits my hips, they're going to come on over and invite me out for dinner. When Billy walks through that door, he will walk into a trap. Waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, buzz.

Fuck, wait a few seconds. A carefully orchestrated ambush. I press him in, click. Leave the door open. They're like, quickly, run us quickly. A trap that is only pulled. because Tobin agreed to betray his friend. Taibin, do we have a deal?

We have a deal. And lure him in with the promise of nachos. But when Billy arrives... Unfortunately, there will be no nachos tonight. Instead of nachos, he will find us. Two detectives lying in wait with a lie detector and a burning question. Why?

This is mayonnaise madness, the finale. Oh, do you think he's going to appreciate this? or not. Karen, what's the best bowl for whisking mayonnaise in? So lie detector questions. We can't start with do you find larger women attractive? Sorry, that was my first note. Have you ever fattened up a woman before? Are you attracted to Lawrence actually? What am I going to do for this whole thing? You need to help me? Yeah, I will. I'm just... I'm going to get rid of the glasses so because it looks like he's had two people over. Lauren, what am I going to do for this whole

whole entire thing? What? Is that locked from the other side? He can't just walk in, eh? Let's just test it You're really I've never seen you this tense We also don't know how to make mayonnaise Shall I have a look at how to actually make mayonnaise No let's worry about that later Maybe we do like a little bit of a role play

Like the maximisation minimisation thing Saying look there's a piece of evidence That we've got that puts you in the frame But also puts two others in the frame We need him to think That we're doing this to multiple people This is essential to the strategy Yeah

He needs to feel like he is one of a few suspects That we have no evidence against him we're just suspecting him for fun. We need to be really serious, like no laughing. And then we'll go, I'm honestly serious, I didn't see you mayonnaise. Drag that out for ages. Yeah. Drag it out and go, me and you start doubting.

And we go, fuck, maybe it was Molly. Molly. Fuck, maybe it was Molly. And then we'll just flip and I'll go, fuck sake. Oh, should we show you that piece of evidence now? Yeah. Billy, can you just let me know what your phone number is?

And he'll read out his phone number and I'll go, oh, I think that's the number. Oh, did you accidentally put your number in the box that was meant to be for the recipient's number? Did you actually fuck up to give yourself away? Yeah. So we've known this whole time and this will just be in messing with you the whole time. There are no other suspects, Billy. Yes.

There are no other suspects. Billy. Then we hold hands and make mayonnaise and force feed in. Okay, 15 minutes. Yeah, we absolutely need to be in position now. This is my order? Yep. I'm so on edge.

This is the most tent that I've ever seen you. I'm gonna take my socks off so don't slip. Yeah, good idea. That would be a nightmare if you hurt yourself. Okay, we really have to be ready to go at any minute. Fuck, Lauren. Relax. Yeah, seven minutes to go.

Fuck, I'm pacing. I'm actually genuinely, I'm pacing. I'm actually, genuinely, I'm pacing. I've got such a sore neck. I'm so tense, I need to get a massage. Lauren, yeah? Now we wait. Okay.

I'm so unrelaxed. I've never been more unrelated to my life. in my life. I know. My neck hurts. Karen, we need to be ready. I know. I am.

You're already really stressed. Lauren, come back. What are you worried about? He could bring the doorbell any second. Yeah. Two minutes. I don't really know what. What have I not got to do?

I forgot on what I'm going to say? We need to, before we go into the lie detector, we need to do something. What was it again? Oh, um... Oh, what was it? I've forgotten our whole strategy, so we didn't write it down.

Why are we wearing matching outfits? I don't know. It's the least sinister outfit as well. And we can't look out the window because he can't look up and say us. No. What if he comes from across the canal and says us right here? I've kind of forgotten what my role is again. What's my role?

I've forgotten. I don't know. It was to be like, we've got a piece of evidence. We're going to have to stand by the door so he doesn't look in. The door needs to be shut. And not moving at all. Otherwise, he'll think there's a weird dog in the room. If he's late, I don't know if I can hug it. I'm going to lose my shirt.

I'm actually going to flop out. I'm nervous. What? It says it's recording audio. My phone's freaking out. Wait, wait. The GoPro's not on. Just wait, just wait, just wait.

Okay, I'm letting him in. Hey, dude. Yeah, quickly, quickly. Billy starts walking up the stairs as Karen and I run to the spare bedroom. He approaches Tobin's front door. It's ajar. Shut the door.

He pushes it open and walks inside. The apartment is quiet. and empty. Something doesn't feel right. Now... Hey, I'm in here. Look at these peppers. Billy enters the bedroom tentatively.

Sounds like you're on the phone. But Tobin is not in there. Oh, creepy. Hello, Billy. Please put this microphone on. Even creepier. Hello, Billy. Please put this microphone on.

He's laughing. Wow. Hello, Billy. Please put this microphone on. Now say, I know. Holds green button. Drag to the right. And then press speaker.

Should I do the microphone one more time? Hello, Billy. Please put this microphone on. Now shall I do nacho? Unfortunately, there will be no nachos tonight. No nachos, no nachos, no nachos, no nachos. No nachos, no nachos. Mom, it's me.

He's not getting it. I can't pick up the phone. It's not working. The unnecessary prop is not working. We call it. We call again. I can't go. Hello, Billy.

And then my voice breaks. Hello. Hello, Billy. Oh no. It is my worst nightmare. Hello, Billy. He can hear us, but we can't hear him. Hello.

Hello. Hello, Billy. Hello. Hello, Billy. Can you hear me? Hello. I can hear you perfectly. Can you hear me?

The unnecessary prop is still not working. Billy, can you hear me? Please, who is this? Put your phone on speaker. The phone's not working. Put the phone on speaker. The phone's not working. Unfortunately, there will be no nachos tonight.

Wait a second. I see some nachos. The unnecessary prop suddenly starts working. As you've heard, there will be no nachos tonight. Are you hungry? I'm hungry. I already found some nachos. Billy finds a bag of nachos under Tobin's bed. If you're hungry, there is a banana and a muval. on a plate on the desk.

Mmm. Would you like to eat that because there will be no further food opportunities this evening? No nachos. This is extremely disappointing. Am I allowed to go into Tobin's underwear drawer? Yes. Thank you for being here with us.

By us, I mean, assistant to the Detective Karen Whitehouse and myself, Detective Lauren Kilby. Oh no, not Detective Kilby. Hello, Billy. Oh no. Would you like to meet us because we are in this house with you right now? Let me eat the banana first.

Eat the banana first and then join us in the spare bedroom. So what are you guys up to? You'll find out shortly. Are you just in the other room hanging out? That's none of your business for now. Unfortunately, there will be no nachos tonight. No nach, no nach, no nach, no nach, no nach, no no nach, no no nach, no nochos. Wow.

It's sort of creepy being in Tovin's bedroom alone. alone. You guys are starting to make me nervous. This is not going to say anything. Okay, okay, I'm done with the banana. Thank you for completing the banana. Now, if you would like to walk out of Tobin's bedroom and meet to us in the spare bedroom. Goodbye.

Billy walks into the spare bedroom. It is very stuffy. There is a lone wooden chair facing the bed. I am sitting on the bed. Karen is leaning against the wardrobe. On a small table next to the wooden chair lies the USB military edition lie detector test, version 3.0. Can I just say I'm huge fan?

We won't tolerate that kind of sucking up behaviour. Please have a seat. Please take a seat. Photos of this setup can be found on our Instagram page at WhoShat on the floor at my wedding. Billy, you are here for a special reason. What? Congratulations.

You have been shortlisted into a small pool of susterable. who may or may not be responsible for sending mayonnaise deliveries to my home. Mayonase deliveries to your home? Yeah. Please put this on. It reads suspect two and it is a label that we would like to identify you with. All right. So someone's sending mayonnaise to your home and I'm a suspect in it or you're trying to get leads as to who's sending mayonnaise?

Billy, we have received a piece of evidence. that puts you in the frame for this crime. All right. Alongside two others. So we are inviting everyone in this pool of, let's say this party of three, shall we? Sure. Have a little friendly chat with us on this nacho night. There's no nacho night, Billy.

Over the course of the last year and a half, I have received three deliveries of mayonnaise of increasing size to my home. That's incredible. And do you like mayonnaise? Billy, there's a lot of questions. I honestly would just like to ask for your cooperation at this time. Can I say again that I'm a huge fan of you guys? Yeah, you can.

Of the podcast. Of your work. Of your techniques. Noted. Karen, would you like to do the honours? It's time. Please pass me the galvanisation wraps. To bring out our old friend.

You'll just need to lift your t-shirt up, please. Get it nice and tight for you. The USB Military Edition 3.0 Professional Lie Detected Test. Karen, I'd like to ask if you wouldn't mind performing a very important role during this exam. And that is if you could be the bad body language detector. I accept that responsibility. Face away from me, so please do not look at me. Do not maintain eye contact with me either.

Don't maintain eye contact with me either, but I will be assessing everything to do with your eyes on your body. So Karen will be monitoring your body. Okay. Are you comfortable with that? Yeah. I'm just a little bit nervous. Subject must be convinced that I can detect truth. Okay.

Subject must agree to take exam by his own free will or testing will not work. Agree. Ask each question in the same tone and inflection. Get confession. Am I supposed to agree to each of this? Is the breathing box attached around the abdomen of the subject with a belt? Yes. Is the pulse plug fully out of the box and tightened?

Check. Is the pulse meter to index finger of right hand? Check. Is the skin galvanisation wrap on the index's second finger of left hand? No. No problem. Click the bad body language button if you notice leg movement, twitching, excessive blinking or other tails. I want to strap this little bitch up. Strap the bitch up.

Do you reckon we should strap this bitch up? Billy Linker, welcome to your interrogation. I want to strap this little bitch up. Stratia! Billy? Who the hell is Billy? Who's Billy? I'm very trustworthy God.

Don't look at me. Have you ever fattened up a woman? This is not good. I thought I was going to be eating nachos. I'm sorry, Billy. Stretch the bitcher. They made me do it. Strap the bitcher.

Are you a male? Yes. Have you ever stolen anything from work? My current job, or are we speaking in the long term? Sure, all types of things. Yes or no answers, please. Yes. There was bad body language detected then, which goes in line with his answer.

Noted. Have... Karen. Was it my one? No, no, this is still the control questions. I'd just like to inform you that we do not set these control questions. Oh, no. What's that got in store for us today?

Have you ever enjoyed the company of a man? I have not. No. But I'm not against it. Okay. That's a no. Have you ever betrayed? someone who trusted you?

No. I'm a very trustworthy guy. No need to extend the answer beyond no. Bit of eye flickering and general jittering. I was looking at the disarray off the sheets of Tovin's bed. It makes me wonder the last time he washed these sheets. Should we reduce his word count? Is there a button for that?

There is not. I guess we can just keep observing bed-bodied. Yeah. Should you be punished for anything you have done? Should I be punished for anything that I've done? No. He seemed pretty keen to say no to that. I'm very keen. I don't like punishment or physical discomfort. Okay. Have you ever done anything for which you could be blackmailed? No.

See, you've never watched porn. Not once. Not once. Okay. I feel like I need to sit on the big because I'm quite uncomfortable, so don't look at me. Click OK to calculate baselines. Oh no. Now we get into the questions.

Three, two, one. Were you expecting to see us today? No. Breathjitter has been reduced to three. It's not a bad body language moment. I just want to confirm an observation if I may. There's a lot of restraint going on there. I can see physical like trying to restructure.

like trying to restrain any kind of eye movement. What's our psychology professor would say is an overly controlled character? He would say that. Yeah. Do you like attention? No. Tobin also told us to say sorry to you.

I thought I was gonna be eating nachos. That's okay. That's all right. Do you find larger women attractive? Yes. I find all women attractive. Especially my wife, Camille, who I married three years ago and while not traditionally large, I'd say she has a large heart, large personality, and a tendency to give large amounts of attention both to her daughter, our daughter, but also the world.

There was a right leg twitch. Bare body language detected. Have you... Have you ever... Do you want me to say it? Have you ever fattened up a woman? Fattened up a woman. As in purposely fed her.

Like fattening up a peg but doing it to a woman? Um, no. Do you know how I feel about mayonnaise? No. I can honestly say I have no idea how you feel about mayonnaise. Analyzing exam questions. It's really hard in here, right? Do you know what mayo phobia is? No.

No. Are you attracted to me sexually? No. You're a beautiful woman detective. I feel like I cannot. That's enough, Billy. I just had to check. Billy, did you send multiple deliveries of mayonnaise to my house?

No. Bad body language detected. Yeah, body language to check. Bad body language detected. Should I think it twice? I did not send mayonnaise your house, but I find it hilarious that someone. and sent mayonnaise to your house, which is why I'm laughing,

flashing, smiling. So that was a no, was it? No, I did not send mayonnaise to your house. Have you lied to us today? No. I believe that's the final question. We'll just let that finish analysing. Okay, Billy.

The machine has detected irregularities. There we are. Would you like to explain any of your answers? No. The exam is complete. You slide a below to review exam. Right click save. Were you expecting to see us today?

No. No, we know. You said no. The result is undetermined. Undetermined? No, I can honestly say I was extremely surprised and confused when I walked in here. The machine did detect an irregularity there, and it has presented us with the undetermined response. So you may subconsciously have known that you were going to see us today.

hoping. So lies are not going to fly with us today, Billy. The slider stopped working. That's genuinely stopped working. You always say this. I know. Every single time. Okay. Do you like attention? Your answer was no. That was the truth. That is the truth. But I just want to say I'm really excited to be on the podcast again. I hope I can be on the podcast. Were you on the podcast in your dreams before? Sorry. It's just, yeah. Maybe something I've wanted for a little bit. Okay. You've wanted that, have you?

I don't know if I want to be on the podcast, but I've sent the podcast to so many different people. You just said you wanted to be on our podcast, and you wanted that for a long time? No, that isn't what I said. Well, we're recording it, so we'll find out. We'll just go back in the recordings and confirm that you just said that.

I don't like attention, but I would have loved to be associated with your podcast in some way without being a suspect for a crime. Oh. The neck square, this is really bad. This is going to make, oh, this is not going to go well. The question was, do you find larger women attractive? You said yes, that was a lie.

You didn't say what type of larger women. I want to, I want to say that out loud. The military edition 3.0 was taking no prisoners tonight. Okay, let's move on from that. Oh, oh, this is not good. The question was, have you ever fattened up a woman before? You said no, the answer is undetermined. Oh, no.

But to be honest, I don't really care about that one. Let's move on for that. Actually, no, I do care about that one. Are you saying that you haven't fattened up a woman? I have not fattened up a woman. What the lie detector is kind of very cleverly tapping into here it could be that you're actually in the process right now fattening up a woman by, I don't know,

giving them like an oily substance. That's maybe what the lie detector test is picking up on. I'm not sure. I highly doubt that. The question was, do you know how I feel about mayonnaise? You said no, that was a lie. Billy, how do I feel about mayonnaise? I have no idea how you feel about mayonnaise.

How do I feel about mayonnaise? I assume you love mayonnaise. Why do you assume that? Because who doesn't like mayonnaise? Who doesn't love mayonnaise? Do you not like mayonnaise? Is that what this is about? We'll get to that.

Everything's a lie. Everything is a lie. I honestly don't... This is insane. Do you know what May of Faber is? You said no, that was a lie. I figured it out after the question by putting together the two words.

But I had never heard of it before. Lies upon lies. This is being brutal. This is quite savage. We're going to have to work. care how we play this next because we both have loved ones and you have quite a young child at home and I don't know how this is going to fly. 10 month old daughter. The question was, are you attracted to me sexually? You said no, that was a lie. What am I going to do? What are we going to do? Oh,

did you send multiple, I mean, we just know what the answers are now. Did you send multiple deliveries of mayonnaise to my house? You said no, that was a lie. I did that, Billy. I didn't. I've never sent mayonnaise to anyone. Not one person in my life. Why is the lie detect a test that is supposed to detect lies saying that was a lie then? Have you upgraded it?

Yes, we recently download the latest software. Do you know where Lauren lives? Yeah, I've been to her house. So you know the address? I wouldn't say I know the address, but I know the general area. How many times did you say you've been there? I think I went there only once. Is it possible that you could find out Lauren's address very easily?

Yes. I could ask a couple people who would probably know her address. Is that what you did? No. Do you... The question was, have you lied to us today? You said no, that was a lie. This is honestly the worst result.

We have never had a test like this before in the history of since... 2020 when we started this. Five years, we've never ever had a test like this. Do you think that it's heat sensitive, the computer, and that it's potentially hot in here and you're getting misreadings? No. No, there's no chance. It detects heat, but it knows what to do when it's a bit hot in the room. Yeah.

It balances out in the galvanization box. It's got a temperature sensor underneath the chair. Yeah. Pilly, belly, belly. Didn't I get a call from AMS distribution? Did we speak to AMS distribution, by the way? Was that the name of the company? Was that the Michael guy?

No, maybe it was the other one. I'm just thinking of who another suspect could be. It is something. Yeah, there was something about AMS. Yeah, they order form from one of those deliveries. Have you got that? Maybe we should get the order form up. Oh.

What does that look like? to you. This looks like a general order form. Yep. Let's zoom in on their old order. We were having a little chat with the owner of this company. Yeah. Okay. I see it's an order for Rambia mayonnaise. It's 200 of them. 40 euros. Seems like a good price. No tax. Okay. Before we just continue down this, I'm just concerned that you've been lying to us in the lie detector test. There wasn't a single lie in the lie detector test. Not one. Could it be broken?

It's pretty hot, yeah, but... Because you seem to be saying the truth. I can reveal one of the names of the other suspects is Molly. And she did have a couple of very suspicious answers, maybe. Anyway, that's our problem, not yours. Can you just have a little look at this, just kind of delve into the details of this order form and just let me know if anything resonates with you on there.

Sure. Feel free to zoom in. All right. Looks like we have a distribution center here in the Netherlands. This looks like maybe some type of restaurant order form. Looks like it's from Amazon, maybe. Order code. Yeah, I don't, I see your address.

Yeah, that's all I see. I see a bad picture of the mayonnaise. Nothing else? Nothing else on there? That resonates? No, nothing resonates here. Okay, cool. What's your phone number again?

Can you just let me know what your number is? Yeah, it's 316,000. Cool. I'll just double check that on my side because I do believe I have your number. on my phone, Billy. Why don't you just have a little look at the number that's on this and just let me know if I'm saying anything.

Should we say it together? Should we say it together? That's quite fun. Yeah, okay. So it's plus three one, six, three, eight, six, nine, seven. That's my old phone number, which I, haven't used in three and a half years. Billy, can you explain to me how your old phone number fell onto the form?

Fell onto the form? And was it three years you haven't used that? Because shall I just go back and have a look at our messages when I invited you over to my birthday party? Billy Linker, tap here for contact information. Oh yeah. On WhatsApp it does get forwarded? Oh, does it? Okay, yeah. Oh, that's so funny, isn't it?

Might give it a call. Is there a phone going off out there? I think I hear something ringing. Go give it a look. I don't hear anything. Okay, you know, I think it wasn't. Your call has been forwarded to voicemail. The person you're trying to reach is not available.

At the tone, please record your message. When you have finished recording, you may hang up. Billy. Look, it's my phone number. I'll admit it. How did your phone number end up on the order form of the third delivery of remia mayonnaise that was sent to my house to harass me. I honestly have no idea.

Oh, hang on, actually, there's another thing that I was interested in in this case. When was your beautiful daughter born? She was born on September 11th. What year? One year ago. So 2024? Yeah. Does that sort of tie in with, like, when...

It's so weird. I think that's actually one. when the delivery stops. Yeah, it is actually, isn't it? Like, you'd imagine, you know, new dad, first time gets a bit hectic, don't have the sort of time to deal with these fun and games anymore. You get a bit distracted. It's busy.

Yeah, it does get busy, doesn't it? Billy, we have an extremely legitimate piece of evidence that places you at the scene of the crime, which is probably your house. When you ordered the third delivery of mayonnaise, which was 200 individual sachets, of Remia to my house. You are the person who sent me that delivery. Okay, I had something to do with sending this delivery. But that's all I'll say. That's not all you'll say. The story is bigger than you think. That is not all you say and the story is not bigger than we think. I don't think it's something that you want to uncover to be honest with you. I don't think it's something you detective or you

a high priestess can one comprehend, but two, truly want to know in your souls. Nothing can be worse than what is in our imagination right now about what this motive is. Do you know what Lauren thinks is the motive? Because it's the only conclusion we could draw. Do you know what she's gone through mentally? She is meophobic. It's on her hate list. She hates mayonnaise.

You're actually meophobic. But you know this already because the lie to tepe-a-ticee that you were lying when they're I had no idea that you were male phobic. I'm just verifying a mutual friend of ours just to double check what your phone number is, just to triple check. I mean, we know. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yeah, 9-7, yep, noted. Yep, just double-checking, just triple confirming that you lied to us about that as well.

I have a US phone number that I primarily use, and this is a number that I use for forwarding for a couple different apps. But you cannot climb your way out of this. No. You left your phone number. on the order form. You fucked it. Look, I'm saying I had something to do with this, but that's not the whole story.

It's impossible that it's not the whole story. If you really truly think that you're going to clear your name right now, then you better fucking tell us what you think you know. We know for a fact that you are the only culprit. How do you know that? We know for a fact. It's been verified. How's it been verified?

And I'll just that you know now that you are suspect to, but you're also suspect one and three. There are no other two suspects. Oh no. Why? I just want to know why. I just want to know why. Okay, fine.

I sent the mayonnaise. I sent the mayonnaise. All three? All three of them. I'm tired of lying. Did you send me a five-liter bucket of Hellman's mayonnaise? I sent you a five-liter bucket of Helmand's mayonnaise. Did you send me a 10-liter bucket of 80% lay-vo mayonnaise?

Yeah, that sounds accurate. And finally, Billy, did you send me two hundred? individual sachets of arimia mayonnaise. Yes. Fine, I sent them. Were you aware of their expiry date when you ordered them? No, I had no idea. Do you know that when Detective Lauren Kilby received these packets of mayonnaise,

assuming, as you say, that you didn't know that she was meophobic, assuming that she loved mayonnaise, the window of time in which you gave her to consume all of these massive buckets of mayonnaise was one or two weeks. So you were trying to fatten her up. You better like explain your motive. Otherwise, we are going to draw the conclusion in this podcast that you are sexually into her

and you wanted to fatten her up like your other little suckling pig women that you're into. Look, I'm not into suckling pig women. We can bring you down with this information we have right here. That's true.

All right, what do you want me to do? We want to know why. I just want to know why you did this to me. Okay. I did it at a good old, clean, innocent fun. I didn't know that you had a Mayo allergy or a meophobia or sexually attracted to mayonnaise, whichever one was the truth. To be honest, I've sent large quantities of mayonnaise

to other friends as jokes. I had a friend named Mark who had a child, and I sent him to congratulate him a five-gallon bucket of Hellman's mayonnaise. It must have been after hanging out one time, I thought, you know, who could use some mayonnaise? Lauren killed me. And that was it. I had no idea about the meophobia.

You know, maybe it was a way to get closer, because I know we've never been, you know, great friends, and maybe, you know, we've never fully connected, as our friend Will said, when he's extremely intoxicated, and almost fell into a fire. Who said that? Our friend Will. He said that mean you will never be friends. He said, we never quite clicked.

So maybe the mayonnaise was a way to bring us closer. And, you know, as you've become this famous detective, I realized I couldn't just send a card or a poem, but that you needed something bigger, something that was maybe more meaningful, that you'd remember me by. And that's where the mayonnaise came in. So you sent her a crime to investigate as an olive branch of friendship? I didn't know that it would turn into a potential podcast episode

as this was before you were doing this type of investigation. Detective Lauren Pilby, now we've had this heartwarming, genuine. Now, first of all, thank you. It's quite nice to finally hear you telling the truth. This is something I've carried for a long time. And it must be a bit of a relief to finally get that off your chest.

Yeah, mayonnaise is heavy. Lauren, how do you feel now with this actually quite beautiful olive branch? Now you realize the motive is actually a genuine one. Do you think you can take your friendship to the next level with Billy? I wouldn't say that we had never clicked. I would say every time we'd talked, it was fun. And we had a good time as friends. Yes, I would say, I'd say we're friends, but I'd say, you know, we're not the best friends.

No, no, we're not. We can level that up and I would be willing to accept going to that level with you. But the only way I can get there is if you help me overcome my myophobia and the only way I can overcome my myophobia is to watch you make mayonnaise. Oh no. I'm willing to do it because I genuinely feel bad that you have a mayonnaise phobia, which I really didn't know. Her biggest hates and stress

is having to go downstairs to her cellar. Lauren hates clutter, first of all. She cannot stand clutter. And having massive tubs of mayonnaise is clutter. And because we obviously had to investigate any non-crime crimes that happen, the amount of trips she had to do up and down to get the evidence, this mayonnaise that you sent her.

That's actually one of the ones. of the biggest burdens really, that was one of the biggest impacts on you. The other day when I was forced to go down to the basement, I noticed that one of the small sachets had dropped onto the floor and a rat had eaten it and it kind of half exploded the packet. So I had to then go back up, get some cleaning equipment and clean the floor of my basement. Why didn't you throw out the mayonnaise? Because it's evidence. Now I know it was more you wanted to be my friend, not my lover, but originally we were

concerned that you were sending me mayonnaise that was about to expire so that I'd have to eat it really quickly and then get really fat quite quickly. You're fattening me out like a suckling pig and you were going to try and date me? That was not the intention. It was a friendship intention. It was purely for friendship. I thought, you know, Lauren's really funny, clever, very talented. And I thought, you know, a gift, an olive branch made out of a delicious oil-based substance might be the way to her heart. Were you aware that you left your phone number on the order form? I tried to cover my tracks as fully as possible. When I did find out about this, I did initially want to hurt the perpetrator's family.

Yeah, and just find something that someone in their family hated and send them three of those. Yeah. Not hurt them physically, but just like that. Yeah. But I didn't do that. Two wrongs don't make it right. And I commend you for that. Because I do think you're the larger person when it comes to this.

And I don't mean size, of course. Larger in body weight? No, no, larger, you know, just in a mental capacity. emotional larger head security slightly larger head Billy were you going to take this to your grave

to be honest this week I looked up additional mayonnaise products to send to you just this week can you show us which ones you were looking at I couldn't find anything that was new and exciting I was trying to find potentially

a mayonnaise themed mascot like the Hellman mayonnaise guy I was trying to see if there was any new sizes available. And as you mentioned, I have a new child at home, so I don't have as much time to dedicate to these types of things. I looked quickly and didn't find anything new on Amazon's secondary marketplace and any type of restaurant websites.

And that was it. I gave up. And you almost got a new package, though, this week. I can't believe there. The timing of it. If we carried on going with the like three suspects and you really bought it, and would you have left? Tobin's house today and let us continue this investigation without coming forward?

Absolutely. So it was all because of the phone number? I'm genuinely annoyed that they put my phone number on there. You put your... No, you put your phone number on it. I didn't put my phone number on it. It must have been somehow given over through Amazon or some delivery. Because I would never give my phone number because I wanted to get away with this crime. Fucking Tobin.

Give me a hug. Oh. I can't believe I didn't send more. I can't believe you're about to send a mascot. I'm going to have a hug as well. Just because you've been very difficult. You've been a great sass beat. This case is officially closed.

Oh, we almost forgot something. Mayonez time. Stand at your station, please. It's not at your station. Ouch. We're going to do Jamie Oliver. You can cut some lemons so you can get a squeeze of lemon juice. So there's a knife over there.

All right. There's a knife. There's a knife. To be honest, I've always thought the idea of making mayonnaise was pretty gross. Well, apparently it helps you overcome myophobia, so you've got that preps. Do you know how to split an egg? I do know how to split an egg, but I'm going to try to do with one hand to impress you guys. Well, we don't have more eggs than that, so don't fuck it up.

All right, all right. No, do to try and try and I'm going to have to step in here because we don't have enough eggs for you to fuck this up. This is good for friendship building because we are going to eat this after. You're gonna eat the mayonnaise? You're gonna eat the mayonnaise. Okay. Need to fatten you up. Yeah, nice little whisk.

All right, here we go. Whisk better than that. More whisking, that's not whisking. Like, really like, get the action. Balloon whisk it. Jesus Christ. Stop. Whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk.

One drop more. Another drop, another drop. Stop, keep whisking. Whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk. This is hard. Yeah, you're doing well. Whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk. And then we can carry on doing this for as long as long as.

it takes. I left my young child's thinking that I was going out to eat notches, but instead ended up being grilled. For a crime that you committed, keep whisking. Don't forget it, Billy. I'm trying not to split it, okay? How's your nachos pop up tonight? Come on. How do you like those nachos, you little bitch? It doesn't taste good. That tastes like vinegar and raw eggs. That didn't work. I don't feel like I'm resolved from my myophobia.

Well, do you want to have a go then? Not really. Crime has been committed against you. You may be entitled to pro bono detective services. Report your crime on our website. Whoshat on the floor at my wedding.com. Or DM us on Instagram at WhoShat on the Float at My Wedding.