Who Shat On The Floor At My Wedding? And Other Crimes - S3 E27 BONUS - Q1 Quarterly Crime Review

Episode Date: June 2, 2026

In this new series of quarterly bonus episodes, we sit down with Performance Consultant Helen McLaughlin (formerly Assistant to the Assistant Detective) to conduct a comprehensive review of our investigative performance.Using industry-leading metrics and stakeholder feedback, we assess our handling of Q1’s cases: Phantom Cleaner, Doggy Bag and Boob Bandit.Were investigative objectives achieved? Are we delivering value to our listeners? And most importantly, what do our KPIs reveal?Support us on Patreon http://patreon.com/whoshatontheflooratmyweddingGo to our Instagram @whoshatontheflooratmywedding to vote on our pollSound design by @avaud.ioSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Morning Karen. Good morning, Lauren. Morning Helen. Good morning. Good morning. Could you pass my coffee? Right, so I think we're ready. Let me just connect this to the screen.

I think we're ready. Yep. Let's start then. Right, ready for our 2016 quarterly crime review. Welcome, everyone. First item on the agenda. Roll call. Detective Lauren Kilby.

Present. Performance consultant, aka former assistant to the assistant detective Helen McLaughlin. Present. And me, assistant to the detective, Karen Whitehouse, present. Before we kick off, does anyone have anything they want to say? In particular, Helen, do you know why you're here? I think so, yes.

I think I'm here to help you with your review. You're almost saying like that, does anybody have anything to declare? That's what we're saying. No, I don't have anything to declare. You're going to give me some documents maybe from your crimes, and I'm going to appraise you like I should. No, she's not, she's not reviewing us, is she? She's facilitating the discussion around our performance.

Okay. We're sort of changing your name, first of all, to performance consultant because we think we need someone to just keep track of how we're doing because now we've officially opened the unqualified detective agency for many months now. We need to sort of keep a track of our success. So that's what we're here to discuss. January, March and February, we've taken on three crimes this quarter. Also known as Q1.

Q1, because we work with the financial year for some reason in crime. Moving on to the next part of the agenda, sitting KPIs. Starting off with our KPIs, so we have never really discussed what our key performance indicators are and we have loosely spent about two minutes just to bat a few ideas around Lauren and I. Would you like to read them through, Detective? Yeah, the funny thing is they're just words and they don't have any numbers associated to them right now, so I don't think they're not measurable currently,

but it's case-solving rate, customer satisfaction and listener satisfaction. You could put these into numbers or grades of some sort, couldn't you? Well, that's the point of this session, yeah. Yeah, true. Next item on the agenda, establish case-solving rate for Q1 crimes. So the three cases we've taken on this quarter,

The first is the case of the Phantom cleaner. Do you want to run through Doggy Bag quickly? Not really. I know about Doggy Bag. Doggy Bag is an awesome story. And then the final case was the case of the Boob Bandit, which you know because I'm quite obsessed with the survivalists themed episode. So yeah, they're the three cases we're going to talk to you today.

And I think the first objective is let's get our case-solving rate. So we need to just sort of get your approval on the percentage of each crime that we think we solved. And it'll be a little loose the way that we measure this, but then you can just verify whether you think that's fair or not. And just before we proceed, Helen, just to let you know, at the end of Q4 last year, our crime solving rate was 69.12%. Any feedback on that? 69 sounds funny. I've just dropped a point one to. It's not meant to sound, it's, it's meant to be accurate. It's not meant to sound funny. Oh, well, that's very precise then. No other issues with that figure? Doesn't remind you of anything in the bedroom?

It reminds me when we first got together What, me and you? Or are you and Karen? Okay, moving swiftly on. Where were we? Okay, let's go. You might actually want to make notes. Okay, so have you got a notepad and something you can scribble on?

Are you serious? You're getting me to do maths now? Yeah. I think you should just note down what we're talking about because you're our consultant. I think you need to, yeah, I think you need to take this seriously, Helen. Yeah. Yeah.

The case of the Phantom cleaner... Zero. What? Oh, whoa, okay. Lauren, we solved it. It's just we took slightly weird measures to do it and it wasn't completely down to us. It doesn't matter exactly how we got.

So you know the end's always just to fire the means. Let's just go with that one. Yeah, fine. Yeah, okay. But normally when you sold something, you have to know who did it. Yeah, but we do know very closely who we think did it. Yeah. So who did it, Karen?

Who cleaned the house? We're 86% sure that it was Nate's ex-partner. Write that down, Helen. Lauren, can we just remember how we edited this because it was kind of more of a slam dunk than what you're coming across as? Wow, I am talking about how we edited it because it was a questionable confession.

Yes, slightly, but at the end of the day, we had one suspect that was the very clear, obvious choice and we had a witness statement that very clearly said that that witness saw that person, the ex-partner of Nate, our victim, cleaning the house that day. Sorry, and who was that witness, Karen? It was his pet gecko, Persephone. It's a great name.

A gecko told us who cleaned the house. We spoke to that woman, and she confessed, but it was a forced confession. Sure, we can stick with 86% likely. That same is incredibly high. So what do you think, Callan? What's the number for that one? You've got a confession. You know who did it.

You have a confession, right? So you solved it? Yes. We have a confession. We didn't approach the confession in the most legitimate way. So there is a very, very slight, there's a minor part of doubt on it because we put quite a lot of pressure on this person. But she did willingly confess to it and that it all made sense.

She had the motive. She did say she did it. I was going to say it was always going to be the mother of the son, wasn't it? Because otherwise it's too creepy playing with his toys and rearranging them. But anyway. We didn't say the clean and play with the son's toys. Where did you get that idea from? You said that, no, lined them up, didn't play with them, Helen.

Rearranged them. Well, you know what I mean. Messed around with them. You're being really shifty. Like, I'm awarding you the win. And you seem to be like backpedaling in a weird way. Like, what is this? Yeah.

We're just being honest. This is us being honest. Yeah, but you're not being honest because there's something you're not saying. We're just saying that. She's saying right through us. And it's correct to see right through us. Look, we're just a bit shifty because we are still a bit embarrassed that a gecko cracked the case for us. And we did nothing but organized an animal.

communicator to try and like tune into this gecko that didn't really give a shit about anything we were talking to her about. And then we slightly pressured the person that the gecko said it, did it. So yeah, it's not always saying we're getting defensive because it's not 100% slam dunk, but I think we did the best with what we had. And we did get a confession. So yeah, agreed. What's the percentage, Helen? What is that? Is your problem here the gecko or? I think there's a few problems with this one, but we got there in the end. Confession is a confession. guilty is charge. So 100%.

Yeah. Nice. Okay. Make a gavel noise just because you're like a judge. I could slam my cup of tea. Yeah, pivot. Fentemton cleaner, case solving rate 100%. Then, Doggy Bag.

We started off and it was very fun this case. And we knew this was reported to us that it was a very high chance of it being an urban legend. But deep, deep down, there was a hope that this was true. And there were so many people that genuinely we were like convinced us that they knew the person who were the dog owners. So we followed this. We kicked this weird can down the road over five episodes. It was more of a carcass than a can, I think. It was a carcass. Shwell's carcass. Kick that carcass down the road. Yeah. And I'm going to say there was a good part of this because we did not give up. We should have given up a lot

earlier, let's be honest, but we didn't. You got five episodes out of it. You didn't give up at all. You just carried on trucking. We absolutely should have given up. We didn't. What, after the first episode or? Yeah, maybe after the second. So no confession. We did actually.

It's complicated. So there wasn't like an obvious like, what is the outcome of this that we want? The first one was we wanted to get confession from someone that had lied on a grand scale about this story. And we did that. We tracked down the person that went on the biggest US podcast and told the story as if his own dog died in that way. And we got him to say, yeah, you know what, I lied on that podcast. That did not happen. So you got a confession for one of the stories that was an urban legend. Yeah, it wasn't the confession we were looking for, but it was a confession and related to the crime.

A sub-confession. It was a sub-confession. So we've got one of those. I guess you've got to think of like if it's an urban legend and you've got like hundreds of people telling the story as though it's their dog or a friend's dog or something, there's like multiple originators almost. So the fact that you got one confession, it doesn't really cut it as a, fool. Yeah, I agree. No, I hear you, but this one, because bear in mind that the listenership of Armchair Expert, this podcast, is literally millions. So the way that urban legends happen is that

you have to hear the story once and then you get inspired to tell it as if it happened to you. So we caught a super spreader, basically. So hear what you're saying, but it does count as a bit more, because this was a mega ripple in the universe of Doggy Bag. So I'm leaning towards like 50-50 here. Wait, we haven't finished, though. I would say lower than 50. Yeah. You're being generous. I mean, you didn't solve it. He'd be solved one bit of however many times it must have been told us by somebody saying it was their dog or a friend's dog. It wasn't great. And I think in terms of the efficiency, I spent a full two weeks of my life, like literally nine to five, tracking the evolution and the history of this whole urban legend back to 1904. And I unarchived

in New York Times article. And I just went in too deep. And I think on reflection, he spiraled. We could have solved multiple other cases in those two weeks if I hadn't gone down that rabbit hole. I appreciate the dedication though. Isn't that amazing? That you're relentless. Yeah, I like that too. Yeah.

And I had a really good idea also that we didn't implement, which was there I thought in order to understand the crime better was to put a rock in a bag, go to Louis Vuitton in Paris, and loiter outside the store waiting for a thief on a moped to come by and steal the rock in a bag. Wow. How long did you wait outside?

No, no, we didn't do it in the end because Karen didn't want to have to tell you, hey, honey, I'm popping over to Paris for the weekend. And then you'd say, what are you doing, darling? And she'd say, I'm just going there to loiter outside Louis Vuitton with a rock and a bag. And just try and get mugged. Yeah, that's not a good way to spend your time. So we didn't do it for you, for your sake, Helen. I mean, I'm 50-50, really.

So you think 50% success on that? Well, you know it's an urban legend. That's a great thing. You also found somebody who admitted to lying. Yeah. And you also found some origins. through history like, you know? We did quite a good job, I think.

Helen's saying we did well. 50-50 is fine. It's a thorough job. You are also like skipping over the Slovenian. Basically, we tracked it as far as we could, and it stopped with a Slovenian sansong singer, and she refused to talk to us. We tracked it all the way back to multiple countries before that.

So went Norway, Slovenia. So we've got to the top of the very top of the chain with this Slovenian singer that didn't want to speak to us. So we might have actually got the person that made this story up, but we just will never know because you won't speak to us. This variant of the story, obviously. You're making me want to, like, reduce the 50 with that extra bit of information. Karen.

I actually think that's fair, though. So 50? Okay, 50. 50, good. Doggy bag, case solving rate 50%. What was the next one? Have you written notes and can you clang your gavel? This is going to be quite easy to work out, though, because it's 100, then 50 and then

Burr Bandit, we cracked it 100%. We didn't crack it 100%. Yes, we convicted Dave. We did. Our criminal lawyer confirmed that we didn't even need a confession. We had so much evidence stacked against him that he didn't even need to confess, but he did confess to eating a part of the bobe. They all knew, didn't they?

Yeah, they all knew it was him. 100%. But I think that the sweet spot here was getting the actual confession. That was genius. Honestly, I have to say, Helen, and this is genuine, in the way Detective Lauren just managed that whole interrogation, she turned the screws on, Dave, more than I have, it was so uncomfortable.

I had to sit there. And you know when you ask someone a really damning question and you let them answer in a waffly way and then they finish, but you just sit in that awkward silence and then they start talking and filling the gaps more. It was that energy, but it was so thick. And we had about five really, like, damning bits of, like witness statements or evidence and we got him but she systematically and like in a bit of a

almost psycho levels savage thank you went through number one and he was getting increasingly defensive and awkward and you just kept on hitting him with the bullets it was bullet after bullet after a bullet. And I think I would, I think if rolls were reversed, I would have been like, okay, this has gone a bit too intense. I'm just going to forget the last three. But you were like, nope, I'm getting this and you didn't give up and I thought that was quite. But it didn't work properly because he kept denying it. He kept saying he was chewing his fingernails. He was, yeah, he was putting water into the pot. He kept having an excuse for everything. So what's the point in doing bad cop properly when it doesn't even result in anything? No, because you,

the answers you got just proved everything. I mean, yeah, true. We nailed it. We couldn't have done a better job as investigators, so 100% on that. But where my issue is, this percentage that isn't full 100, is that it wasn't the most satisfying confession because he downplayed his confession

where he said, oh, I only had an amuse-boosh of the boob. And it's like, you didn't. But it doesn't matter. Our criminal lawyer said that confession is irrelevant because of all of the evidence that places only him around the pot, only him to have been caught eating multiple times, chewing.

It's him. And we didn't even need a confession. Say he only ate a morsel, it remains the fact that he ate the best, and actually it was the whole thing. You know it. Exactly. Okay, cool. So 100%.

Boob Bandit case solving rate 100%, a slam dunk, if you will. What's 100 plus 100 plus 50 divided by three? Yeah, can you do that calculation? That's 75. No, what is that? You can do the mass. Did we get 100 on Phantom Cleaner in the end? Oh no, 86.

It was 86. Helen, what were the notes? This is why we need notes, right? I didn't write that one down. For fuck's sake. Sorry, you didn't, you solved the... What is our... You solved the cleaner one.

Yeah, we solved the cleaner one. Didn't you? Oh my God. This is your one job. What is our... Just pick a percentage. Are you asking for the percentage of 250 divided by three? No.

Just out of all of the percentages, we just discussed the three cases. It kind of as... Two-fifty divided by three. Yeah, you've got... For quarter one, you've got 83%. 83.3 recurring. We have official...

confirmation that our Q1 case solving rate is 83.3 recurring percent. Thank you, Helen. Yeah, that's perfect. Thank you. Next item on the agenda. Now we're good to move in on to. Oh, there was the honesty box. I would like to invite you, Karen, to be honest with Helen and let her know what you did to our criminal lawyer at the start of the call with him.

As you know, Lauren thinks I flirt with everyone. It was a bad situation in season two when I got that 18-year-old boy to attract her, and I got too close to try and get information about him. I think it all started there, and for that, I hold my hands up, and that wasn't okay. Since then, there have been questionable moments where Lauren has thought I've flirted with people. I did suggest to a 17-year-old to send me an Obogene emoji, but that was actually relevant to the story because we're investigating a rectal stickers crime that involved Obasene stickers. So that was, again, I got totally, if I had my time again, and I wouldn't have asked that origin emoji. Anyway, there's grounds for Lauren to think I flirt,

but there've been a lot of situations when I really haven't flirted. I'm just trying to get someone to do something that I need them to do. And that is... You're digging yourself a hole. You're like overly defending yourself. You'd flirt with our lawyer. That's what I'm saying. So it's the first time I seen Bendy Truth in the flesh for a while

because we got on a video call. And I thought, wow, he's lost weight. And I was like, you look really great. And I just gave him some compliments. That's a great way to start a call. It was, but it was the first time I pulled myself up on my behaviour going, is this flirting? Can I just ask a perfect person to ask, what's the legal definition of flirting?

Is this flirting? And he went, yes, I think it probably is. And then I went, okay, well, I will take note of my behaviour and I won't do that again. But I'm like, just giving a compliment, really. So you've been legally condoned, basically. Yes. Is that the right word? Yeah, condemned.

Condemned. Condemned. There you go. Condoned. Guilty. Condoned. keep doing it. Keep doing it, yeah. So I just wanted you to be aware of that, Helen, just so that there's no secrets in your relationship. I mean, I've often said this before when we did WhoShat, that I would sometimes, if there's a situation where we need to persuade

somebody, I'll be like, go, Karen, like push her forward because, you know, she's got away and she's got a lovely face and, you know, people respond to that. But he's fine with it. Yeah, I mean, as long as it doesn't cross too many boundaries, it's good, right? Exactly. So you condone the flirting. I think so, yeah. Okay. So you just need to get a grip and move on. I support it.

I'm not saying I don't support it. I'm just, it's important to call it out. Yeah, there we go. It gets you what you need. Next item on the agenda is customer satisfaction. Okay, Helen, we are now at the part of the performance review, the Q1 performance review, where you are going to share our customer satisfaction score with us. I have sent you a PDF on WhatsApp, and it combines the results of our SurveyMonkey

questionnaire that went out to all of our victims who reported cases into us in Q1, and we would like you to run through the results with us. Okay. So this went out to three people, Yanukkah, who was the initial victim of Doggy Bag, and Nate, who was a victim of Phantom Cleaner, and then Matt Wright, who was the victim of Boob Bandit, but I don't think Matt actually completed the form, so it's probably just Yanukkah. So I can't tell which is which of who wrote this first one. So... Kind of made a bit of a mistake.

What do you mean? Because you'd made it anonymous, remember? I didn't make it anonymous. You didn't tell me to put a what is your name thing there. What are the results? Is it good? Well, yeah, how satisfied were you? It's got extremely satisfied and satisfied.

50%. This is for each of the people. Got it, right. So one was extremely satisfied and the other one was satisfied. Did we provide you with closure on this case? Spiritually yes, otherwise no. I wasn't looking for closure, but we had a lot of fun. That's night.

Could be anyone. What areas could we improve on? Solving crimes. What? It's a fair feedback. And some of the online systems seem a bit clunky. Oh. Tecna Culpophobic.

Online systems. I think it's because we sent the wrong link. We sent the wrong link, first of them, to follow up and send another one. Some of the online systems? Crime solving? That's a bit of a slap. Are there any compliments you want to give us? There are.

great time during the investigation and enjoyed your questionable methods. Keep up the good work. That's all right. You are the best detectives and only, but I've seen a lot of TV and feel like I have a sense for detective quality I've ever worked with. What? I don't know. There's some work needed on the grammar really, but I think they're trying to say you're the best detectives that they've ever worked with, even though they've only ever watched them on television. But it's like a parent saying you're my favourite child to an only child. Yeah. It's slightly barbed, but it's nice overall. It's, yeah, it's a bet. I don't know if I like that. Would you recommend our services to other victims of non-crime crimes?

Both say yes. Perfect. There you go. Now you've written out the two out of the three reviews. You've got to give us a overall percentage customer satisfaction rate, which sounds like it's going to be quite high. It's 100% from those guys, so you have to go with that. Well, what about the one that didn't respond?

Does that put you then on 66%. No, let's just go with what we got. 66%. that's what you've got. 60. No, no, no, no, no. What you just reviewed is the 100% of the customer base that we've got feedback from. So we can't assume Matt Wright would have given a 0%.

Like he's just out of the process now because he didn't respond. 100% then. There we go. Yeah. This is so ridiculous. None of this makes any sense. We're just giving ourselves like random numbers. I actually feel it's like therapy.

It's good to sort of, it's kind of. good for Helen to know what we've been up to, I think, and get a few things off our chest. So it's about the process of journeying up to the destination, which is always our go-to phrase. Customer satisfaction 100%. Moving on to listener satisfaction. The final section we've got is listener satisfaction. And in brackets, I've put on our document, review of complaints and feedback. And this is all the feedback we've got from listeners on Spotify.

Oh. So starting off with it, I've just selected three positive-ish notes. One was from Awesome Source Me And she just said that the fact that Helen is being used as a threat to make Lauren behave is frying me, crying face, crying face, crying face. Yeah, that was when I think I wanted to do something. I wanted to do a burn sensitivity rating

on the hands of all of the survivalists to see whose hand was most likely going to go into a boiling pot. So I wanted to test their hand sensitivity by putting it around a mug of boiling water and seeing how long they would leave their hands there for. Lightly schooled them, basically. And Karen was trying to shut me down, but I refused to be shut down until she said,

I'll tell Helen. And then I just, I said, okay, fine. I said, don't make me tell Helen. I mean, I see why you thought that. I mean, as in putting hands in a boiling pot, I see why that was a test. It makes sense. Thank you.

Are you supportive of it then? Or would you have shut it down if you were in the... No, not at all. I don't support it. I just, I understand why it makes logical sense, but I don't support it. Yeah, I understood. Especially because the first person we were speaking to was E.J. And he wasn't anywhere near a kettle or a mug.

He was just pulling over on the side of the road in his truck. And then Lauren was like, she'd being really, really forceful. She's like, well, just because he doesn't have a kettle and a like means to hold a boiling mug, he can just put his hands on the raw engine, like open his bonnet. And I was like, don't make me speak to Helen. Or a candle like Van Gogh. Van Gogh held his hand over a burning flame, didn't he? Like a lunatic. He wouldn't have candles in his track. Helen. True.

Next comment is from someone called Zoe Tehune. And she just said simply, this is my favourite case so far of when the cops say no, we say yes. Just the way Lee Detective Lauren Kilby says, Gecko gets me every time. Do you want to say it? No. Go on. Say it, go on. Geico. It is lovely. It's really lovely. Gicco.

Geico. So don't be defensive as you're boosting our listener satisfaction rate with your accent. Yeah, true. Gecko. Gecko. This is for you, Zoe.

Geico. And then, do you know what? We've got a lot of positive feedback from Phantom Cleaner. People seem to really like that one. They love Persephone. Gilbert Cratt said, You all had me laughing like a lunatic

while walking my dog. We need Persephone the Gecko merch. I'd also pay for a cameo from her. Wow. Yeah. There's some organising to be done. So basically, listeners are satisfied by geckos, not so much us. But that's okay because we got the gecko on board so we can take that praise.

It's great feedback. Really great feedback. Yeah, it's quite good. So on the complaints, we can see we're learning quite a lot from this. All the complaints are dogging bag related. Oh. People are fired up about it, are they? People are fired up.

Yeah, we wasted their time. So the first one is, and I actually think this is a good thing for us to just have a moment because this has come up in every season that we've taken on so far. Someone called Wynn said, why not just use a scarf for the hidden microphone, crying emoji? Because as we know, we've always worn... What? Shuffle. Ties or bow ties.

Yeah, because it's shuffles, that's why. Everybody knows that. Exactly. But I think there's been a lot of chat about other ways of... that we didn't possibly have to wear a tie or a bow tie. Maybe there was, like, another... I mean, we've definitely used hidden mics in other ways, and I think maybe... On naked and afraid, they make it look like they've got a lovely little necklace, don't they?

Yeah. But it's actually like a little container for the mic. Yeah. You could get those and pretend they're just stylish people. But I think people just need an explanation of there is absolutely no way we can use a shuffly scarf for the audio quality. She's just, she's not a sound technician, clearly. But I do think, Lauren, you did really push me into the bow tie, which was a step too far. I think we can all agree that I did not need to live.

look like a clown going to Louis Vuitton undercover. Don't blame me for that. That was your outfit. I am not giving you the time of day right now. You backtrack all the time. The bowtie has nothing to do with your clown-like outfit. You had those pants, you have those clown pants and you had a clown top and you... I did have the clown pants and Helen... That's not me. Give me your views on the clown pants. Go on, we can be honest. I can't bear those trousers. I really can't. Oh, you don't support them. No, not at all. You got stuck in the early 90s somewhere with those. I don't know what it is. Especially not with a striped corporate shirt and a fucking bow tie and red lipstick and a lime

green hat. It was... You're a lovely woman, but you look like a dog's dinner in that. Oh my God. Helen's satisfaction score has just dropped. Should they have a fashion rating? We should have a fashion rating section. Yeah, I think so.

I'll put just a secondary fashion rating. It was minus fashion rating for... Minus 100. And then someone said, oh, it's Gilbert Cat again. Mm. Kind of beating a dead dog at the... this point. Prefer the absurdist

detective work versus a documentary on an urban legend but you two are still some of the greatest gifts to this earth. Love Hat.

What a lovely thing to say. Yeah. You were boring me a little bit but I still love yours. Yeah. That's what he said. Yeah. That's fine.

I'm fair enough. I think that's fair enough feedback. The next one... Five episodes. This person doesn't have a username. It's just a devil emoji

is her username. Nice. And there was one thing. Again, Lauren does tend to get very obsessed with certain things. Like you got obsessed with Persephone eating your own skin that no one else cared about and found gross. Makes me feel sick.

Yeah, exactly. No one wanted to hear about that, but you had to keep on bringing it up. Exactly. I think it's important to call it out. Really grim. With Doggy Bag, we got one of the German variants when this was going around Germany.

And they said it happened in a Prada store where they wrapped the dead dog in silk and then put it in the bag and then that got stolen. And I agree it's a ridiculous, funny element. But Lauren really went on the obsession with the silk. And she wouldn't let it go. She was like, they're silk, that silk.

And it actually turns out that we mistranslated that completely. To be fair, I did study German, but she never said the German word for it. It was siden papier, which was silken paper. It's a textured paper. It's not actual silk. So again, I just think that there was a bit of a note about from this person with the devil emoji.

I think the German girl was, referring to a siden papier in brackets, which literally means silk paper when she's talking about the silk wrapping. Blah, blah, blah, blah. So basically, she felt the same as me that you got already, like, attached to that. And it was actually a mistake. It's embarrassing. It's embarrassing. Yeah, fine. Now I know it. It's embarrassing. Just a lesson. Nice to learn the right word. Why am I not allowed to have obsessions, but you're allowed to have obsessions with things? Because you get obsessed with stuff that's wrong or gross. So no one wants your obsessions, I think, is a learning. But no one wants your obsessions. Oh my God. We're going to need another meeting for that. We're not going through that now. With what? What obsessions? Yeah, exactly. This whole podcast is an obsession.

Okay. Anyway, we are going to post a little poll for our listeners out there. So if you want to go to our Instagram page at Who Shout on the Flood at My Wedding, we will calculate the real listener satisfaction rate. Or feel free to DM us to tell us what you want more of or less of, or if you just want us to stop this podcast altogether. We couldn't. No. Never. And I think that's it. Summary and next steps. So the Q1 quarterly crime review of 2026 KPI stats summary.

Case-solving rate is Helen. 83.3 recurring. Customer satisfaction, Lauren, is 75%. Oh my God, I'll just do it. Customer satisfaction is 100%. Couldn't have improved it. it. And listener satisfaction, we haven't actually reviewed that overall, but we're going to review that on our Instagram poll. So please submit your thoughts. And then I will take as a sub, a new KPI

substrand, my fashion rating, which was minus 100% for doggie bag. And I will never wear the combination of a bow tie and those clown trousers ever again. And I think that's a clear next step for me. And thank you very much for joining this quarterly crime review. Thanks. Meeting adjourn. Thank you for attending our Q1 quarterly crime review. If you feel corporately moved by this review and would like to submit feedback to us, please do so. Thank you for your attendance. Goodbye.