Who Shat On The Floor At My Wedding? And Other Crimes - S3 E28 Willy Wonka Scam - Part One

Episode Date: June 3, 2026

The Willy Wonka Experience in Glasgow promised a world of pure imagination. What visitors found instead became one of the internet's most famous disasters.This week, we hear the story from the people who lived it; the actor who played 'Willy Wonka', the actress who played the "Sad Oompa Loompa" and a mother and two children who can never unsee what they saw that day.Our investigation begins with one simple mission - identify the biggest victim of the scam and get closure for them.And then our innocent investigation suddenly takes a romantic turn that absolutely nobody asked for.Part Two drops June 18th.Support us on Patreon http://patreon.com/whoshatontheflooratmyweddingFollow us on Instagram @whoshatontheflooratmywedding for case evidence and behind-the-scenesSound design by @avaud.ioSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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My one took me and my brother to a chocolate factory. The chocolate, I didn't give me any chocolate. Oh, you've got the wrong department, ma'am. This is the police. We deal with real crimes. Hang on, I'll transfer you to someone who can help. Karen. Okay, I've got it.

Get the phone. Karen, pick up the phone. Now. I'm just finishing my biscuit. Honestly, Karen. Hi there, it's assistant to the detective, Karen Whitehouse here. How can I help? You don't give me any chocolate.

Oh, okay. I'm going to have to patch you through to the lead detective for this kind of case. Hold the line. All right, here we go. This is Detective Lauren Kilby speaking. How may I help you? This story begins in Glasgow, Scotland. On the 24th of February, 2024.

It was a cold, crisp, wintry day. Hundreds of adults and children were gathering outside a large warehouse, adults and children who had bought into a dream, a dream to recreate the magical wonder of Willy Wonka's chocolate factory. When I was a kid, I absolutely loved Wonka. You know, I was raised on the Gene Wilder film and all the songs, the musical and stuff. I'm really into, like, make-believe-believe.

love that stuff. I think that's what childhood's about, you know, making things magical for your kids, keeping the dream alive. The promises were significant, an immersive and interactive journey filled with wondrous creations and magical surprises at every turn. And when I read the Facebook ad, I thought, oh my God, that looks amazing. An enchanted garden, blooming with vibrant flowers, a twilight tunnel and an imagination lab. and all that, it did sound fantastic. Oversized lollipops towering at every turn. Extraordinary massive props scattered across a paradise of sweet treats.

Optical illusions, mind-expanding projections, and of course, rivers and fountains made of chocolate. The unbelievable magic of Willy Wonka brought to life in this very warehouse. Or so they said. Families across Scotland did what any of us would do. They believed. 35 pounds or 47 US dollars a ticket. Not exactly cheap. But then again, can you really put a price on pure imagination?

We arrived and there was a huge queue of people. There was such a buzz. We were waiting for ages to get into the actual place. It actually felt like a scene from the film. waiting for the gates to open. But when the gates did open, the dream was dead. What the hell?

Nothing could have prepared these families for what lay inside. Words failed me, to be honest. Turned out to become the fire festival for children. A near empty, scruffy, dingy warehouse, dirty windows, bare concrete floors with a few random plastic mushrooms strewn about. My boys, they walked in and they were just like, what is this? Ikea mirrors, a tiny, lonely bouncy castle,

badly printed AI-generated posters pinned to some of the walls. The place is just a total joke. Actors and Amazon bought costumes that arrived that morning and a chocolate experience. I don't think they actually had any chocolate. It was just two jelly beans and half a cup of lemonade. That contained zero chocolate. Well, there was a chocolate fountain, but it wasn't working.

they couldn't get it fired up. So what's actually happening here? Nothing. So this is an absolute scam. So we've all been money for nothing. Where is all the stuff that the kids were supposed to be seen in the first place? So it's a scam. You're scammed children.

The whole shit show lasted just four hours before it descended into hell. All the angry parents kicking off outside waiting to get in. I'm going to call the police. By this point it had been cancelled. And the police and everything had been called. This just in, the immersive Willy Wonka experience in Glasgow has just closed its doors while a mob of angry parents remain outside. No, this is illegal.

This is illegal what he's adjourned. Willie Wonka experience in Glasgow slammed as disastrous by parents. And then it went viral. This is the sad simplest I've ever seen. It looks like an actual meth lab. Why does the chocolate factory look like a storage unit? The head of Edgierchelman, the fire festival, fast football. This is the first episode we're doing a deep dive into an actual crime,

where deception was so great the real police were involved. A story told by one of the actors who played Willy Wonka. Why did any of this happen? The viral sensation, umpalumpa. Honestly, I was laughing because if you don't laugh, you get angry. Alana, a disgruntled parent. How anyone could have thought that that was a good idea. And two unqualified detectives on a mission to get justice for the victims of this crime.

This is the case of the Willy Wonka's scam. I think it's lovely to try your best and we are perfect examples of trying your best and it might not always work out. The issue with this situation and why it took the world by storm so much is that when you try your best and you fail, it's fine if you don't set people's expectations. that you are an Olympic winner, like you're going to win and you're going to absolutely slam dunk everything, which is kind of what happened here. So I've looked into who this guy is

that set this whole event up. And his name is Billy Cool, not as in Cool, but C-O-U-L-L. Yes. Man, he is such a controversial character. We've joked that this is the Fire Festival for Children. And Fire Festival, that whole documentary was hilarious. So good. But that's because it was all about adults and it was about influences that took themselves far too seriously and were pretty vain and thought they were way above other people. So it was kind of

funny to watch their demise at this horrific event. But this, this was just targeting really hardworking families and children and scamming them. You don't skim children. It's pretty bad. He's been labelled a scam artist. He says he's not. So let me just tell you what I'm I found out about this guy, Billy Cool. His CV is varied, to say the least. So just before he organised the Willy Wonka experience slash scam, he had quite the lifestyle, and his name's attached to quite a few interesting, should we say, ventures.

The first one that I'm intrigued by is he is an author, in his words. Yes. He describes himself as an enigmatic one. word smith. And in inverted commas, a rising star of the literary world. And he's got all of these obviously AI written books, like an absolute

slap to the literary community. Does he know that people know that it's AI? What's really clear from the reviews is that he didn't ever check his work through. It's so obvious it was generated from ChatGBT because there's like mega repetition. Major storylines don't get resolved in any possible way. He didn't even check

for like spelling eras or like multiple full stops. He published a book without checking it. 17 books. 17 in one year. You probably didn't write those, mate, did you? There's a huge disconnect with what he says he is and what he actually does. Like when you look at what he did before his weird AI literary kind of career, if we can call it that, he set up this charity basically called the Gower Bank Community Hub, which was essentially like a really, like, well-meaning food bank and community service that had a mission to sort of help struggling families, distribute food to people in need.

Oh, lovely. Like, all great. Sounds really lovely. But then there's a lot of controversy that follows about where the money went. And they had things like he set up a fundraising event, promised a celebrity appearance to lure people in and then just never confirmed or checked it with the celebrity.

So it's all just very dodgy. I'm not sure whether he's someone that actually just did have good intentions, but is just completely incapable of delivering anything. Or if he's genuinely a scam artist of the most sinister kind, ripping off those most in need, it's not a good luck. It's not a good look. So this is the guy that we're dealing with. But he did confess.

So, so sorry to everybody for, you know, this year and other disappointment. And then it gets even more sinister. Man behind the infamous Glasgow Willy Wonka experience has been placed on the sex offenders register and he blames the backlash the event received. The man behind Willy Wonka experience event to stand trial charged with sex attacks. So it gets even darker. So this guy has got a really, really dodgy past. He also had a really weird brief detour into politics at one point.

He talked about standing in the local Glasgow council elections but again that never really materialised. It's like he's desperate to get attention and praise or admiration from a bigger community or something. He wants to be a bit of a community celebrity almost. It's really weird. How's he going to overcome what he did that day at the Willy Wonka experience? He's never going to be able to come back from that. Everyone will know him as that man. I think he might actually go to jail.

So he might actually be our first perpetrator that actually goes behind bars. Yeah, for his sex crimes. He could go to jail. This is pretty massive. Like, how are we going to get justice for all those children whose hopes were dashed on that eventful day? We're taking on the scam. Who are we going to get closure for? I mean, it's the children, really.

Mummy and Daddy said we're going to have an amazing special weekend, take them out for a massive treat. We're going to the magical Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. You know, there's going to be rivers of chocolate, oversized sweet, umpulumpers, a spectacular show. And then they arrive and it's a total letdown. They're screaming, crying, given one jelly bean, maybe three max, a shot of lemonade, and then they have to go home. I actually think it's the parents that are the victims of this as well. Because if I was in that situation, you kind of want to paper over everything and not lean into the disappointment.

So you have to pretend it's all fine, it's all great. Oh, how lovely is this when it's really not. How are we going to resolve this? I think we need to just dive in and really understand more about what happened that day. All we've seen so far are the odd, funny, viral video. But I think we need to go in deep here and speak to the people who are actually there. So we're going in blind, but that's okay. We've done that before.

Probably on every case. We're searching for someone that we can truly bring closure to so that we can say we've closed this case effectively. Our job is to track down the victim that has been worst affected by the Willy Wonka scam. Yes. Starting with those two children that reported this crime into us. And then we follow the thread. So we need to find out, first of all, what their feelings are.

If they feel they need closure, how do you ask a child what resolution they're looking for? Introducing Lila. My name is Lila. And Jude. My name is Jude. Lila and Jude are Alana's kids. You'll meet Alana a little bit later. Do you remember that one day, a little while ago,

mummy took you to something called the Willy Wonka experience? I think I remember, yeah. What did you think about it? Was it a fun day? Fundy, probably. A fun day probably? Yeah. So did you think it was not very good or good?

That good and a bit rubbish. I really like the umpalumpa. And how many jelly beans did the umpalumpur give you? Can you remember? About two or three. You had fun then? Yeah. Because that's our first time on Channel 5.

Channel 5! Oh, you're chasing the fame, I see. So we. So we. Jude and Lila show no signs of distress. They had a nice time. They are not demanding any form of resolution or closure from us. The search for the true victim or victims of this scam is far from over.

In the meantime, we need to do a deep dive to understand the severity of this crime. And hopefully along the way we will find our victim so we can bring them closure. Introducing two very special guests, Paul Connell, the actor who played one of the Willies. Hi, I'm Paul and I was one of the Willies and the Willies. Wonka experience. Actually something that a lot of people have missed is that my name is my name is actually Willie Mcduff, a distant cousin of Willie Wonka, I'm assuming on the mum's side. And Kirsty Petterson, the actress who played the umpalumpa. My name is Kirsty Patterson and you know me as the same as viral sad umpalumpa. Could you just explain to us how you got involved

and more importantly the very moment when you realised it was a scam? See, it's hard to pinpoint the very moment because there were several moments and several moments where looking back on it now, I cannot believe my own naivety and stupidity. I've just come off an acting job and was looking for jobs. And I was on Indeed and I was looking for jobs and this job came up, being part of this, you know, live experience, Willie's chocolate. but whatever it was. I kind of thought, well, I could do that. Yeah, that seems what that would be like, kind of maybe dressed as an umpalumpur or something,

showing people around. Like, I didn't think I would be playing a starring role. So I responded to it. And then I got an email, like a couple of days later, which was probably like two days before the event, saying, like, congratulations, you will be playing Willie McDuff. There was a phone number, so I phoned them. I just wanted to know a little bit about what I'm going to be doing.

And they were like, nah, do it every you want. And I was like, is there a script? And she was like, yeah, all right, this is a script. We'll send you it. I was like, okay, it's just these two days. They sent over the scripts and the contract. And this is the moment that I should have ran for the hills that spelled the word contract wrong. So I had a legally binding contract.

That should have been a big red flag, but I sold you on. I found out the night before. When I signed the contract, it was a raisable ink. It was a what? Wait what. Yeah, it was a raisable ink. A raisable ink? What does that mean?

So it's like you can rub it out. Do you still have the signed Coon contract? Somewhere, yeah. It's funny because like, when I was, I was being, interviewed by a lot of people and all of a sudden these these like things that I didn't think twice about like the scripts you know like I've got scripts lying around because I've printed off a couple of copies and and then all of a sudden it was like gold everyone was like you know trying to get their I'll give you like all this money for the Wonka script and stuff like they went crazy so

probably somewhere I do have it it's on my email I have an email that says coon tract of employment are you aware that when um Kirstie regarding the contract when Kirstie signed her contract. She was given one of those pens, erasable pens. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, we all were. Yeah. You got that too? Yeah, yeah. It was one of the

other willies who actually picked up on it and was like, I think this is erasable ink. I didn't even know that existed. I was like, I thought that was like a spy thing. I got the script and I had one night to learn it. I got the script on like the Thursday. It was 15 pages long and it was like text. It was just like

paragraphs and paragraphs and paragraphs for 15 pages. And as I'm sure a lot of people are aware, it was clearly written by AI. So there was no rhyme or reason or grammar or like a story that anyone would ever be able to follow.

It was completely utter shit. I've never read anything so gibberish. It was all really confusing. It just made no sense. And I stayed up all night. I drank a lot of coffee and I stayed up all night and lain every single word of it. My particular favourite thing about this script is it specifies what the audience will do.

Thank you. That is the funniest thing in the script. Because it is so lofty with its expectations of how the audience will react. It's like audience laughs raucously and erupts into applause. Obviously what actually happened is a load of families just stared up and mouths at us, you know, and you can see in their heads. they're thinking I spent 120 quid to bring my family here. So there was no raucous laughter or applause. Turn up at the dress wrestle the next day.

And it was, I mean, I'm sure you've heard the stories. It was a very scary abandoned warehouse. But there were so many red flags. It's countless the amount of red flags that I just completely... I needed 500 quid. I learned that I will do anything for 500 quid. I've found one quote that you said probably a year ago when the media storm hit, and it's my absolute favourite quote.

I'm just going to get it because I want to hear what you mean by this. I don't even remember saying this, but anyone that looks at me and cast me for Willy Wonka and not an umpulumpur is out of their mind. And could you just expand on what you mean by that? Yeah, I'm short, fat, and I don't have that whimsical look. I mean, don't get me wrong, I should have been the head of the umpalumpers, but I shouldn't be running the chocolate factory. Do you call yourself the sad umpulumpur?

But actually the thing that I find, and I really want to talk to you about, the most distressing thing that I think you had to go through is your outfit, because it was quite sexy for an umpulumpur. It was just inappropriate. What parts of your body were shoving? It was not showing.

It was just like the knee-high socks. To have sold out all over the place, by the way. Because I tried to get an outfit like ages ago. I went on Amazon and outfits were completely sold out. So do you think like umpulumpur fetishes have increased since Willie's chocolate experience? You have people that are wanting only fans constantly. Someone got me tattooed on them, which was really bizarre. I wish someone had my face tattooed on them.

Can we just go back for a second to an umpalumpur fetish? Because the most iconic like umpulumpur moment, it's the Jean Wilder version of Charlie in the Chocolate Factory. And those umpulumpers, they're the ones that come to my mind. they are the tiny little men and they were wearing those proper like breeches and little suits and it's the least sexy thing

like completely orange face with white eyebrows and a little green wig can't believe actually people are actually thinking about this like that sort of way I think that's kind of cool to be honest I think of a sex icon if you can turn an umpulumpur into a sex icon and it's the least sexy thing

it is the opposite of sex and umpulumpur is the entonym of sex and you have turned it into sex. Do you know the whole thing about me going viral and all, nothing shocked for me anymore? What you're about to hear is a reconstruction. So you want me to read this for you guys? Okay, so here's the roleplay.

So I'm mummy, and this is my little boy, my little baby boy. Why am I a boy? Because you look more boy-like. We're going in. A step-by-step walkthrough of Willie's chocolate experience told through the eyes of the people who were inside it. Imagine. You're a parent holding your child's hand.

You've been standing in the queue for 30 minutes outside this warehouse. Anticipation is building. The doors open. You step inside. You have no idea what you are looking at, but it's definitely not what you signed up for. A lone actor dressed in a red, cheap velvet suit approaches you. Ladies and gentlemen, an esteemed guest of all ages. putting on a brave face, but there is a sense of fear in his eyes.

The guy who played Willie, you could tell that he was just mortified. You could tell he was really trying to make the best of a really shit situation. Welcome. I am Willie McDuff, your humble guide on this journey to the extraordinary, the spectacular, the downright magical garden of enchantments. We start following Willie. It was just horrendous. All the sections were kind of separated, like split up by these kind of like cheap windbreakers that you get at the beach. Like those sort of really thin material and you can actually see through.

It was just awful. The first thing that we're presented with is the Chocolate River. Oh look, it's a chocolate river. And the chocolate river was just like made of like a bit of cardboard under a small bridge. Was it even liquid or moving or anything? It was just... So it was like a solid river. It was more like a frozen river than a moving river with like rapids and things.

There wasn't even like lights or anything to give it the illusion that it was moving. Willie guides us through to the apparent Garden of Enchantment that consists of one sad plastic flower. What is that? Now let me introduce you to a very first. very special plant. A plant that's found deep in the darkest depths of the most mysterious jungle. This plant is called the bubble bloom. The bubble bloom is supposed to release bubbles throughout the garden.

Now, this never happened. The bubble machine wasn't installed, so no bubbles were produced by the sad plastic flower. We continue walking. We're about to meet the most ridiculous character of this whole thing. The unknown, I don't know how much you know it. Well, no one knows because it's the unknown. They were unknown about the unknown. The irony is amazing because I kept asking all night at the dress rehearsal,

what's this unknown character? And they kept being like, oh, we'll sort it tomorrow. We're taking around the corner and we see what looks like a shower curtain next to a brick wall. In front of the shower curtain is one lone mirror. And someone or something is crouching behind it. But the whole matters thing. Because that's definitely a mirror from IKEA. I've seen that at IKEA.

We enter into a perilous part of the tour. Willie continues his speech to try to explain this scene to the audience. The children are growing increasingly scared. There is a story within this chocolate factory of an evil chocolate maker who lives in the walls. Oh, I'm feeling that.

a little cold all of a sudden. I don't know what's going on. Does anyone see anything out of place? And then from behind the mirror, a terrifying figure emerges. A faceless figure, wearing a black cape, a black wig and a silver expressionless mask. It's cocking its head in jerky, disjointed movements like someone possesses. by an evil spirit. One child runs away crying.

Another screams. And then we're taken to the Lemonade Gallery. They've got a shot of lemonade, basically. That's the lemonade gallery. And not even the good stuff. It's supermarket branded lemonade. And then, full of trauma, Willie guides us onwards to the viral jelly bean lab,

also known as the meth lab. Mommy, what's that? Hello, everyone. How are you? like a jelly bean? Yes? Well, I only have two jelly beans. There we go. And then

what would you have said? Because you ran out of jelly beans at one point, didn't you? I just rationed them down to one jelly bean each. One. Oh, we thought it was two, so it eventually got down to one. It was three, then two, then one. One measly little piece

of shit jelly bean. Even a baby would be annoyed at it. One or two or three, and a shot of lemonade. That is all these children received. There was various different things that went wrong on the day. I was playing Willie for about two and a half, three hours straight, where I was like finishing with one group and then sprinting round.

God knows what like the last group must have seen me like all disheveled, my hat fallen off. By the end of it, we were told don't spend any more than 10 minutes with a group. So we were literally like, welcome to the Garden of Enchantment. Kung Fu here. Oh no, it's the unknown. Get in here. There's one jelly bean. Eat it. Right. Next, there's half a cup of lemonade. Drink it. Right. Leave.

So by the end of it, it was a conveyor belt of disappointment. And once things really kicked off, I turned around to the rest of the guys and was like, should we just go to the pub? And we all just left and went to the pub. This case is officially open. Time is ticking. The 24-hour speed-solving countdown to crack this case, Starts now.

Countdown initiated. 24 hours left on the clock. 24 hours. Also known as one day. It's time to properly meet Alana, one of the mums who attended the event. My friend had sent me the link from a Facebook ad. Alana is about to turn this case upside down.

My partner, Ian, had given me a golden date. ticket for Christmas and it was a ticket to go and see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory Musical. So I kind of thought to myself, this would be a really good idea to get him a golden ticket back. I got tickets for me and the kids to go on the Saturday and then I got a ticket for Ian and I to go on the Sunday. At that point in time my kids hadn't met Ian yet so I didn't really feel it was appropriate for us all to go together. So I was supposed to go twice. You got double tickets?

Yes. How much did that cost in total for the full double day experience? It was like 35 pounds a ticket. Over 200 quid then? Aye. And then the whole time I was going round that event and I whispered to my friend Mariam, I was like, I'm going to have to bring Ian back here tomorrow.

This was a Valentine's gift that I got for him. And it's fucking shit, what am I going to do? He's really looking forward to it. When I was going, he'd said to me, he was like, don't give me any spoilers, don't tell me anything about it. Can I ask, how long were you together, you and Ian, before you bought this as a Valentine's surprise? So we met November, 23.

Only three months before Willie's chocolate experience. Reasonable new relationship. This was like make or break kind of timing. Alana and Ian's first ever Valentine's Day together. I mean, it's a bit of a fuck you if you give a Valentine's gift of this in an early relationship. The time for grand gestures and to show how you really feel. I know. And it turns out to be completing utter balls.

I had a gig later on that night. I'm a singer, so like I do singing now and again and stuff. We had gone to this gig and then just as I was finishing and packing up, I checked my emails and. and saw the cancellation and the refunds coming through from my tickets for the Sunday. Just after midnight, we got home and I said to him, I was like,

look, I've got something to tell you. And he's like, what? And I told him, I was like, it was a complete utter farce. I can't describe how shit it was. And it's actually been shut down. And then I was showing him all the videos that people had posted, you know, like all that angry. the parents kicking off outside waiting to get in.

What did your children say after the event to you? Bless them, I think, to be honest, they were kind of a bit indifferent. I do think that there was an element of disappointment because, you know, I had made a big song and dance about it. Like I had given them wonka bars with the golden tickets inside. So I kind of feel a bit bad now that I probably, over-egged it a little bit in terms of their expectations. What I'm surprised about is taking a bit of a turn this call for us

because we were fully expecting the children to be the victims of this, but obviously it's the fact that you had to lie and put a brave face onto your children for an hour and 15 minutes. But more than that, I feel like the real issue here and the real victim is your ruined Valentine's Day. I know. This is what my partner said. So he was absolutely fuming that every interview that I did

and I'd mentioned this, he was fuming that no one seemed to take it in that direction. I felt so bad that that was part of his Valentine's gift and he was getting nothing for it. You've taken a lot of this on your shoulders, Alana. Your Valentine's Day, almost ruining your relationship, ruining your childhood. It's pretty significant, actually.

Your children are nanderweiser. I think there's a very clear thing of how to get closure for Alana here and I still feel like you've missed out on a romantic Valentine's Day. And so I just, I don't know why. I don't know what the solution is yet, but I feel like possibly we could help to invite you to some sort of virtual date where we can help craft a little bit of romance. As to be there.

Yeah, to replace, this is the only way that this is the thing that we can fix here. We can't fix the past, but we can certainly fix the future of their Valentine's days. Yeah. We always, you know, talk about the birds and the bees chat, like what age. should you tell your children about, like, sex and what that means and things like that. But I'm more interested in what age you're going to sit down and have the discussion with them about what really went on at Willie's Chocolate Experience. I hadn't told the kids, right?

I hadn't told the kids that it was a shit show. When I was on the Channel 5 thing, a few of the kids in my son's class at school had to come in and say, I saw your mum on TV. I sat him down we watched the documentary he was really confused and he was like

what happened and I basically just kind of said a naughty man was pretending to be Willie Wonka and he tricked everyone he tricked us all

to come to this factory and it wasn't it wasn't real a very naughty man as far as he was concerned it was all right he got some speech he's not the real victim here

a Valentine's Day was stolen. I know I'm going back to it, but I think the only way that I can think of offering new closure on this case is to invite you and Ian. Are you still together with Ian? Yeah. You and not Karen, you can't infiltrate your relationship. No, I am. I'm doing it. I'm doing it. I would like to cordially invite you to a virtual date with us where we will give a belated Valentine's Day celebration in which I don't know, we'll probably order you a little Uber Eats. You might need to light a candle yourself and then we can read out a poem to you both. Ian, a man who had done nothing wrong, who had simply wanted

one perfect day out with the woman he loved, was denied the romantic experience he deserved. The organisers of Willie's chocolate experience took that away from him, and no one gave him resolution. But the big question is, will he

accept that resolution from us? To know what? Ian would absolutely love that. That is right up his street. He's such an extrovert when it comes to these things. So he would absolutely accept your invitation. Oh my God, I love that you're accepting

an invitation to going on a date with the detective and assistance to the detective. But also something we have not agreed on prior to this call. I just felt it was the right thing to do. And I could feel you were just like trying to push me away from that, but I'm bringing it right back. Do you think it's better to do a surprise date, or do you think you want to give him a heads up that we're going on a date?

I think he needs to be told that he's going on a foursome date with two random detectives. There aren't even detectives that he doesn't know. I think I would probably need to give him the heads up. Because if I didn't, he would think it was like this horrible thing that was going to be happening. We probably need to just regroup a bit about what the plan is for that date. Absolutely, we need to regroup. And it lets Ian get involved too.

He was really quite upset that he didn't get to go. Oh, do you know what? Let's give Ian... Let's give Ian the most wonderful virtual date. Yeah. To make up for it. Exactly. There was a missed romantic opportunity that we will... That will facilitate.

Yeah. I'm a bit worried that we've just agreed to a virtual date with a random man called Ian. Just expand your mind and just go with it. We thrive on awkwardness, inserting ourselves into situations we're not invited to. She seemed a little bit unsure when you first brought it up. That's why I stared away from it. Oh, is that why it was? I thought you were just not into it.

Both. But then I was actually quite happy when you brought it back because I do think it's an interesting idea. but it does make me feel a little bit uneasy because really genuinely that's going to be really fucking awkward. Because he doesn't want to go on a date with us. Well, it's going to be short. We can make it a short Valentine's, belated Valentine's Day celebration.

I think we're talking about, if you push comes to shove, if you're really twisting my arm, I'd say it's a 10 minute. 10 minute date. Let's send them a bottle of champagne, and then we can do a toast. Oh, let's do a toast to Ian.

Let's get toasts from the umpulumpur and Willie Wonka. Yeah. So we'll do toasts and poems. I'm going to Honestly Honestly This is definitely taking a turn I did not expect

I did not think this case would take a romantic turn So the only thing I'm worried about Is we need to get his consent To record him as well So but how do we do that Without giving the surprise away No we'll just ask him at the start of the day

So he's going to come to a date Alanda's going to be like We've got a surprise for you He's going to turn up and then suddenly there's like this camera and a microphone and two random women going, hey, you don't know us, but do you mind if we just record you while we take you through this date?

He's going to know he's got some sort of call with two like fake detectives going on a podcast maybe, but he won't know anything else. And then we have to be like, hey, Ian, welcome to your date. Before we do anything else, we need to consult our original clients. They brought this case to us. It's only right we get their opinion on what we're about to do.

Do you know someone called Ian? That's my mum's friend. Yes. And do you know something, a story about Ian? He really wanted to go to the Willy Wonka Chocolate Experience. You went to that. But he never got to go. It's because he never got a chocolate bar with a golden jacket in it.

Exactly. He never got that chocolate. ticket so he couldn't go and then the event got cancelled. If we went and he didn't and that's not fair. No. Why is that not fair? He didn't go and we went without him. So we have an idea and we need you to help us decide what we do about this. Do you think Jude and Lila that we should do something special for Ian?

Yeah. Yeah. Do you think we should recreate what that day was like so he can experience it? Yeah. The only thing is that we would also like to be there. Do you think that's okay? Yeah. Lila, do you think Ian will like us? Yeah.

I'm sure you will. We have official approval from our clients to proceed. Case mission confirmed. Resolve the case of romantic theft and give Ian back his stolen. date. The objective is clear. We have just under 24 hours to plan and execute the perfect cyber date to give Ian and Alana the closure that they deserve. But we cannot execute this mission alone. We can't walk into this date without some serious advice from our two friends. This Willy Wonka experience is something you're going to have to live with for the rest of your

life. Oh, I'm more than aware of that, yeah. We've got a really clever angle about how we can help. Liver. Yeah, I would say it's clever. How we can help the biggest victim of this crime. A guy, an adult, average bloke called Ian. I don't know who that is. We didn't know who Ian was eight hours ago,

but we do now. Ian is the partner of Alana, one of the parents who took their kids to the Willy Wonka experience. They met and hit it off in November, 2003 and so it was at that sort of first couple of months of, you know, blossoming relationship. And it became one of their sort of serious dates where they were both big Willy Wonka fans and Alana being very sweet, you know, having all the memories of, you know, all the whimsical, magical worlds of Willy Wonka thought it'd be really fun to celebrate Valentine's Day by buying

Ian tickets to go and see the Willy Wonka event in Glasgow. And by the time that date was meant to happen, the event was completely cancelled. And so they missed the opportunity for a romantic date. We all feel here that that lost romantic evening is the saddest thing about this whole event. Is there anything I can do for Ian? That's a very good question you've just asked. This is terrified. Karen has decided that the only way to get closure for it,

Ian and justice for Ian is to facilitate a romantic virtual date with Ian and his wife, partner, Alana. What would you do in our situation, given that we've got to be the kind of hosts of this virtual cyber date and we don't know Ian? And my first piece of a voice would be not to do it. But you're going to soldier on anyway. We're going to create a lovely little romantic situation, candlelit table for them. we're going to send them a bottle of champagne and celebrate their love, give them compliments,

and then, you know, maybe give them a few little nuggets to remind them of what the Willy Wonka experience was, so then he doesn't feel like he's missed out. We're wondering if you would be able to send Ian a lovely little message that we can play. Do you want a photo of Ian? I'd like, yeah, I'd like to look into his eyes when I do this. And the relationship is strong, right? Yeah, strong. It's going to go well.

I'm going to give you two pictures of Ian. Is it Ian? Do we know that's A-N? It's confirmed it's A-N. It's not her brother or something. Let me just quickly check Facebook. Okay. Let me just check that.

It's definitely A-N. Because if it's her brother, that's... She hasn't responded, but it's a risk I'm willing to take. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's him. Yeah, that's him. Got it. Confirmation. There we go.

Yeah. Do you want me just to make up a message on the spot? Would you like it as my character or as me? What would you like? Character. You'd like it in character. Okay. The hardest, the hardest option to put you on spot with.

Right. Let me think. Just let me try and... And also, what you could build into it just as a bit of advice is kind of like things you've learned about relationships and maybe like a bit of advice for the future, how they can keep their love strong, how they can keep, you know, progressing in an upwards trajectory in their relationship. So just be like cute and romantic and just really like loving and all that kind of stuff so that I don't have to do that on the date.

Okay, I've got it. I've got it. Okay, yeah. Love is like a box of jelly beans. You never know what's you going to get. However, some days you might put your hand in that bag and you might pull out a bogey-flavored jelly bean. But some days, you might put your hand in that bag and you pick out chocolate.

Life is full of ups and downs and lefts and rights and round the corners and down the drains. But if you have love, if you have someone there beside you, to share that bag of jelly beans with, then that bogey is half as disgusting because there's two of you, and that chocolate is twice as nice

because there's two of you. Is that, is that okay? Can I just take a picture? I'm not joking. Just to interrupt for a second, it's Karen. Hi, just to clarify exactly what's going on right now, Lauren developed the biggest goosebumps I've ever seen my life after hearing those lovely words from Paul.

And now she's making me film those goosebumps on my phone as they become erect on her arm in real time in front of Paul, who is staring on, horrified on the Zoom call. And if you want to see this particularly awkward and weird moment, please go to our Instagram page at Who Shat on the Floor at my wedding. Enjoy. Oh my God, that, like, it's, I've never seen goosebumps like this, honestly. Let's get them, get them.

This is the weirdest thing I've ever done. This is the moment in my life. If someone asked me tomorrow, what did you do last night? I'm just going to say nothing. I don't want to describe this. I don't either. And I'm really sorry that I feel like we are responsible for this. And I just hope you believe us that we never intended for this moment to actually happen.

If you'd said before this Zoom meeting, okay, by the end of this, I will have filmed your goosebumps, become an erect. then I would be really impressed with how subtly you've managed to drive the podcast towards them. If that was our main objective, because she was in a real, like, live porno sense from Lauren getting off on her goosebumps. I couldn't have played more of a blinder if I tried. Right now, this is the worst non-crime crime that we have ever witnessed in our full year-long career as unqualified detectives. I'm so sorry. You're our first victim, Paul.

I'm so sorry. This makes no seeds. That's fine. I hope next season will be about how I'm the victim of whatever this is. Yeah. We like to perpetuate crimes

and that's the way we keep busy, you know, by you gotta make crimes to solve crimes, am I right? Have you got any tips for our virtual date with Ian? This is just a very fresh concept for us. All right, well, get like a tip, like a black tablecloth and just give them like one or two jelly beans. This is going to be sure.

shitter, this is actually going to end up being shitter than Willie's chocolate experience. Like, we're perpetuating the crime by doing this. We're creating another version of a shit Willy Wonka experience. And we're going to be there. It's famous, the Willy Wonka experience, because it was so shit. The shitter it is, the hot of the ticket in town. And then something really funny, like the unknown just popped out of nowhere. The unknown is the waiter to serve them champagne.

I think, to your point, it's the best idea to have one of their friends lurking. hiding behind a mirror. So at one point, you can just pop out and be the unknown wearing a scary mask. It's horror slash, it's horror romance is what we're doing.

I'm really not looking forward to this. We've been saying this a lot today, but we want to say thank you and sorry. You're welcome and it's okay. Well, wish us luck. Have you got any final words for our virtual date with Ian? You know what?

Like, give them some privacy. You know, don't be too overbearing with them. Give them on. to share in their, you know, in their happiness. We'll just turn our camera off and go on mute. Guys, you've got three minutes to share your love and happiness together. We'll just be here on mute and off video. Yeah, just silently watching.

We're going to give you your privacy so you can kiss Alana now, Ian, so we're just going to throw the off camera off and go away. It's like sort of sick, immersive porn. Coming up next, there will be a scheduled intermission for romantic outbursts. Do you have any idea who we are and why you're here? I have absolutely no idea of what is going on. No. So if you do feel a big wave of romance come on, I don't want to be part of this, what's happening?

Just refrain from petting or touching or kissing until the scheduled intermission for that particular type of activity. Are you sitting comfortably? Are you ready to begin? What you don't know is about to happen, but are you ready? Comfortable no and ready no so let's go