Who Shat On The Floor At My Wedding? And Other Crimes - S3 E29 Willy Wonka Scam - Part Two

Episode Date: June 17, 2026

It’s time for our surprise foursome virtual date with Ian and Alana. The romantic intervention nobody asked for, but one we committed to anyway.Will sparks fly? Or will this be the worst idea we've ever had? Only time will tell. But one thing is certain. Things are about to get… uncomfortable.The next case opens on July 2nd.Support us on Patreon http://patreon.com/whoshatontheflooratmyweddingFollow us on Instagram @whoshatontheflooratmywedding for case evidence and behind-the-scenesSound design by @avaud.ioSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Previously on the Willy Wonka scam, the unbelievable magic of Willy Wonka, Ladies and gentlemen, brought to life in this very warehouse. Welcome, I am Willie MacDuff. Also, they said, We arrived, and there was a huge queue of people. It actually felt like a scene from the film

waiting for the gates to open, and then when we got inside and went up. the stairs it was just words failed me to be honest turned out to become the fire festival for children I don't think they actually had any chocolate it was just two jelly beans and half a cup of lemonade well there was a chocolate fountain but it wasn't working they couldn't get it fired up because that's definitely a mirror from ikea i've seen that at ikea hello everyone how are you would you like a jelly bean yes well i only had two Jelly beans.

There we go. You know, like all the angry parents kicking off outside waiting to get in. By this point it's been cancelled. This just in, the immersive Willy Wonka experience in Glasgow has just closed its doors while a mob of angry parents remain outside. So it's a scam. I'm going to call the police. What's your emergency?

You didn't give me any chocolate. I was laughing because if you don't laugh, you get angry. Why did any of this happen? We've got a really clear. really clever angle about how we can help the biggest victim of this crime. An adult, average bloke called Ian. Ian is the partner of Alana and Alana thought it would be really fun to celebrate Valentine's Day by buying Ian tickets to go and see the Willy Wonka event in Glasgow.

And by the time that date was meant to happen, the event was completely cancelled. And so they missed the opportunity for a... a romantic date. Karen has decided that the only way to get closure for Ian is to facilitate a romantic virtual date. Is there anything I can do for Ian? That's a very good question you've just asked. But if you have love, if you have someone there beside you to share that bag of jelly beans with, and that chocolate is twice as nice, because there's two of you. Is that, is that okay? Can I just take a picture? A strip of her goosebumps.

I'm not joking. I've never seen goosebumps like this, honestly. Let's get them, get them. This is the weirdest thing I've ever done. This is the biggest moment in my life. If someone asked me tomorrow, what did you do last night? I'm just going to say nothing. I don't want to describe this.

What are goosebumps? Goosepamps are the result. I also had to type in goosebumps skin. Because when you type in goosebumps, you just get goosebumps the books in the movie. Oh, classic. Which I actually love. I used to read those. It's technically.

called a, what was it? A pilo erection. Ghostbamps are pilo erections. A mini, tiny little pilo erections. I think there was a moment where I just saw the hairs on your forearm, just slowly rising. And I'm like, what the fuck is happening? I do not want to see your bodily reactions. And film them.

And film them while I'm listening to some, like, strange, I've never met, poor guy, talking that's creating your reaction it's not something I want to repeat ever again you said you're like we've got to be a bit more inappropriate like two hours ago and this is what happens when you give us that fucking pep talk I just think we just

stop this episode right now I don't think we've been it we never think we've crossed a line but we're actually a little bit concerned that we may have crossed a line I just feel like and I don't know how else to describe it other than we have taken something from Paul that he was not prepared to give us Yeah, but you've also taken something from me and I've taken something from you and Paul.

So, like, we've all taken something from each other, but Paul didn't take anything from us. Paul never asked for any of it. It makes me feel so unwell. Our life and together, our friendship, or whatever you call this, I would say you can define it as pre-your-pilo erection and post-your-reaction because something fundamental changed in that moment.

I mean, that escalated. I have never wanted Helen to rein us in more. I feel like I want to call her. If anyone listens to any of what we've gone through here, do you know what? We didn't prepare. I'm going to put my hands up here. I don't think we prepared what the angle was for this one properly.

This is what happens. For that, I am very, very sorry. But we couldn't have known until we spoke to Atlanta. I think we had a lot of control. And like you said, we made the choices to get to your fucking goose bump moment. And it's not. we have to take responsibility for that and never repeat it. I feel hysterical.

Like, I feel like I'm in some sort of psychosis. I wanted this season to actually, like, be something where I can give up my job in advertising. And right now... It's not looking good. We need Helen. She's going to be cross. Do you have five minutes for us to... What's up?

Ask you something. Yeah, what's up? We're actually just a bit distressed and I've never needed your help to just rein us in more than anything. Like, we've kind of got to the point. point where it's, I feel like I've reached my limits and I just, I need your advice of what we should do now. You sound really hectic, hysterical even, you might see. I think we've done something bad and I just want your help to assess how bad it is.

Go on. So we took on the Willy Wonka case today and we... Oh, I love that case. That is. Yeah. I also think it's a can of worms that you're opening there. Well, the worms have been opened. The worms, the can has exploded open into directions that we never wanted to go in.

Karen tells Helen all about the investigation and all of the choices we have made so far. For us to go on a cyber date, where Lauren and I are present, and we're going to arrange some nice, romantic things. You're creeping me out. This is creepy what you're talking now. This is not even the worst part.

Oh, God. Do you want to tell the worst part? I don't. I honestly don't. So we were just getting on a call with the actor that played Willie Wonkrie. There was a point when I was like, Like, she made me film her goosebumps whilst he was talking. And I was like looking at her goosebumps becoming erect and the hairs on her forearm rising slowly. And I was like, I feel like I need to hang up.

I don't want to be part of this. What's happening? I actually think this is honestly inappropriate. It's not okay. I just think we delete this whole episode from the, what's your advice? I think it, I don't know what to do and I don't know how we, I'm so. Well, excuse me, what's the actual issue? The issue is that you've done some side of date

or the fact that Lauren is getting turned on by some man's voice. I don't know what to say. I just felt like I needed to talk to you because I'm flailing right now. I think you need a break, don't you? I think you need a break from this. I think you need to get out of that room and go out and look at the lovely sunset and gathering of thoughts. Yeah.

I think you're right. I think we need a break. I think we're just overtired and this is what happens. when we're retired. And you get extra weird as well when you're together, so it's just a recipe, isn't it? You're frantic. Because I don't really understand what you're saying.

I don't really understand what the challenge is. I don't either. No problem. Thank you. Thanks for your help. Thanks. Where do you want to go for dinner? I think I need a break from you, to be honest,

in a nice way, but, like, I think you, I just, I don't think I'm going to forgive you for a while. You're all the one who filmed it. It's 503 p.m on Friday. We're on a video call with Alana, who's at home. We're about to brief her on the game plan for the date. Is this the first time you've ever had a production meeting and a briefing before a date? Yes.

I think it's safe to say that's a phone yes. In one and a half hours, Ian will arrive home from work. But he has no idea what he's going to arrive home to. He knows there's some sort of surprise planned, but he certainly doesn't. know that he's about to join a for some date with us on a podcast recording. I would love to just do a little inventory check of all the items that we sent to you, Alano, if you could just list off what you've received. Yep, so I've received champagne, jelly beans, bubbles, an unknown mask and an unknown wig.

A costume for the unknown. The terrifying creature who jumped out at kids from behind a mirror at Willie's chocolate experience. Speaking of the unknown, there's actually a fourth person on this briefing call, and that is Miriam. Mariam was the friend who was at the Wonka experience with me. The plan is simple. Mariam will come over to Alana's house shortly. She will put on the unknown wig, cape and mask, and then get into position.

Oh, so she will totally be able to channel the unknown. Yeah. Okay, great. So she knows what the head clicks look like. Good. Marianne will be hidden behind a mirror in Alana's living room, completely still and silent. The moment Ian sits down, she will be ready, ready to emerge from the shadows, to serve champagne to a man who has no idea she's even in the room.

The issue is that Miriam's camera and microphone are not currently working. She can hear us, but it's not letting her switch her mic on. We have no idea what Mariam is thinking right now, and if she approves of any of this. but we're moving forward with the assumption that she loves it all. Karen continues to run through the schedule for the date. We've scheduled in a 45-second private romantic intermission for both you and Ian, so we were going to switch our camera off, go on mute, and if you feel so inclined after hearing these poetic words

to just have a little smooch, we'll just go off camera. I can't believe I'm saying this. If you feel romantically inspired by us, then just feel free to like take that to the next level for 45 seconds only. But wait, are they going to also go off video and on mute? Or is it just us? Yeah, I think they...

Yeah, absolutely. I don't think... I don't think they want to share that with us. I don't think so, no. I don't feel comfortable with that. Do you have any concerns so far, Alana? No. And then we're going to go into the recreation of the experience section.

We're going to bring some immersive elements from Willie's chocolate experience into Alana's living room, starting with giving them one jelly bean each. By which time I would love for Mariam, if you're already, you would need to have two jelly beans in your hand, and then hand one to Alana and one to Ian for them to enjoy. Silence from Mariam's side. this is honestly we've done some weird things in this podcast trust me when I say that and I think this is potentially in the top three what do you think Ian's going to say to all this oh I think

he's going to love it he will absolutely thrive on this it certainly give you something to talk about hey Karen I've got a question just to go back to the 45 second private romantic intermission what should Mariam do in that moment? We can work out where she can go and hide behind. It would be the same place she appears from creepily to pour the champagne. Cool. Okay, that's going to be a really relaxing 45 seconds of romance. Yep.

Got it. After the jelly bean offering, which sounds like a weird sacrifice. It doesn't look good on paper, does it? Mariam, this is the point. jelly bean offering. You need to be really quick and ready after like getting the two jelly beans. You then need to line up your next prop, which is the bubbles, not the champagne and the actual bubbles. Mariam could be either smiling and nodding her head or she could be one second away from exiting the call. We have no idea. And as Willie Wonka, the actor, we're playing this

video for him talking about the bubble tree. A plant that's found deep in the darkest depths of the Most Mysterious Jungle. If you could just creepily blow some bubbles over Alana and Ian's face, as close as possible ideally, so they really get the bubbles popping over their forehead. That would be perfect. Well, I assume you're okay with that, Miriam. Silence means yes, 100%. She is going to kill me.

What will Miriam be thinking right now? She's going to be thinking that I owe her big time. And then the last section. is just farewell. And that's when you'll just close your screen really quickly. And that's when you can have a longer romantic intermission that's more private, even though Marianne will still be there. What do you think? Yeah, what do you think? That's the full run through, Alana. Any questions? No, I think it sounds hilarious. Would you like us to send you this date outline? Yeah, send it to me just so that I can revise it.

Alana, if you can describe in three words the emotions that you're feeling in anticipation of the date, which three emotions would they be? Excited, nervous, as well. And cautious. I don't know. We cannot wait. Thank you so much, Alana. Thank you, Mariam.

Thanks. Nobody's feeling. Bye. Are you there? Honestly. This is fucking weird. It's really weird. I just, I think if I was in her shoes,

what I would be worrying about is that we're planning something that we weren't telling her. Yeah. Because that's the vibe that I've got from us and I'm part of it. But it's a bit like, is someone going to, like, jump through the window and kind of scare the shit out of me? Yeah, but now she's saying the full blow-by-blow schedule. Can you imagine if they stand us up on our date? Or just Mariam joins and just silent with no video?

I guess I've actually kind of. I've got a little tear. I've made a tear, and I don't know for what emotion is causing the tear, because it's not sadness, it's confusion and shock. It's caution. It's a tear of caution. I'm just going to follow up, Mariam being like, just to be clear, this is what we need. We need you to serve champagne here.

I put a little task list of when Mariam needs to do something. Yeah, that's good. And hopefully she's up for it and just like finding it closer, because we have no idea because she was silent the whole time. Didn't laugh at any of our jokes. didn't say a single word, couldn't see your face, couldn't see your expressions. It's made me want to be a bit more silent because there's so much gravitas with silence. It was absolutely powerful.

Do you think we could do a podcast episode once? You know, like when artists just put a blank canvas in a gallery in there, like, it's art? Do you think we could just have a full silent episode? Yes. It would just be called space. Space and time. And will it be, will it have sound design or will it actually just be pure, silence.

It'd just be pure silence. And the episode we'll have a mid-roll and ad mid-roll, so we'll just like cut into an ad out of nowhere. It's something we would do, but we'd lose everyone. We'd go viral for being the biggest pieces of shit ever. That's the way we should go out of

podcasting. We just found it. Going down in a blaze of no glory. If we do get out of it, our final episode should be that. We're just going to take it way too far, I think. But that's fine. I'm happy to go that way. Thank you. I feel I feel a lot. Yeah, I feel something too.

See you at the date. See you at the date. Virtual date to commence in five, four, three, two. Shall I let them in? One. Hello, Alana. Hello. Hi.

Is that Ian? I can hear him. Ian walks in. Alana guides him calmly to a table for two she is set up in the middle of the room. On the table is a lone candle and a laptop with two faces on the screen staring back at him. Two random women he has never seen before in his life. He looks nervous. Hello. Good evening, Ian.

You're doing. Hi, Ian. Mariam is already crouching in position behind the mirror wearing her unknown outfit clutching a bottle of champagne. Ian has not spotted her yet. Do you have any idea who we are and why you're here? I have absolutely no idea what is going on no We want spontaneity, you just be you

We want you to feel relaxed It's all going to be okay Ian Are you sitting comfortably Are you ready to begin What you don't know is about to happen Comfortable no And ready no So let's go

I would like to Ian and Alanna extend a very warm welcome To your surprise virtual date My name is assistant to the detective Karen Whitehouse, and I'm from the podcast, Who Shut on the Floor at My Wedding and Other Crimes?

With me on this virtual date is Detective Lauren Kilby, and she's also from the podcast. Hello. This is the exact moment where it truly dawns on us that maybe this date wasn't such a good idea, but it's too late to get out of it now. You might have heard about the travesty of the Willy Wonka experience, in Glasgow. Does that ring any bells?

Yes. Yes. It was a travesty. It was a special event that became non-special for me. We were speaking to your wonderful partner, Alana, just, you know, casually getting a little witness statement about what happened at the event. And that's when we came across something even more tragic, Ian, involving you. Do you know what we're about to, and I'm sorry if it's painful, but do you know what we're going to bring up? I hate to think it's going to be something to do with my valentines.

That never happened. Right now, we understand that it wasn't the traumatised children and the disappointed children that the real victims of this crime. It's you, Ian. You and the loss of that potential magical Valentine's Day experience. So that's why we, right here, right now on this call, are going to put an end to that sad, sad event. and we are going to recreate the date that you so painfully missed out on.

Ian, do you consent to joining us on this virtual date? I'll consent, Ian. Absolutely. Anna, Alana, do you consent to joining us on this virtual date? Oh, yeah. And Ian and Alana, do you both consent to being recorded for this podcast episode whilst being on a virtual date? Absolutely.

Yeah. So I'm going to pass over to detective to just run through a few final bits before we get into it. I would just like to ask you, if you've got any concerns about how the date is going, please keep your concerns to the end. We'll have 20 seconds at the end for any final questions or issues that you can raise at that point. There will be a scheduled intermission for romantic outbursts. So if you do feel a big wave of romance come on, just refrain from petting or touching or kissing.

until the scheduled intermission for that particular type of activity. Is that clear? Can I handle that? Okay, great. I think it would all be great if we would just let the group know what our expectations are for the state. I'll let you know mine. My expectations, what I'd like to get out of the state, what I hope to get out of it is closure for the victim of this crime, Ian.

And I would like us to all just have a little bit of fun and get to know each other romantically. Well, not all of us, like you two do that. we will watch it happen. Karen, do you have any expectations or anything you want to get out of this date? My expectations are that I've got no expectations. So whatever we feel is natural to happen in the course of this 30 minutes, let it go, just be you and enjoy the ride.

Ian, any expectations? No. Absolutely not. No, I finished work 20 minutes ago. and I just love enjoying the day. That's all I like to do. Good. That sounds promising.

Alana? Yeah. Anything you want to get off your chest before the date begins, what do you hope to get out of this experience? To become closer? Yeah. To become closer? Yeah, why he said.

That's really nice. I just hope that you'll forgive me. We'll see. Forgiveness. You want forgiveness out of this experience. Okay, well, that is very good. Let's note that down. And at the end, when we bring up any final concerns,

we'll check with Ian if he officially forgives you. And that will be the end of the date. We give the nod to Miriam, and she emerges from behind the mirror, trips up slightly over the cake, and approaches Ian and Alana with a bottle of champagne. Ian looks a little bit scared. And the unknown is now charging the glasses with champagne.

Ready to kick off the date. You see this? This is normal. This is normal in Glasgow. And you can see this heartwarming moment on our Instagram page at Whoshat on the floor at my wedding. Now I would like to invite Detective Lauren Kilby to say a few words about love, followed by a toast. Thank you, Karen. Here's to love.

May it be as entertaining, heartwarming and slightly offbeat as your favourite. favorite podcast, which probably won't be our podcast after the state, but that is okay. To love. To love. They just cursed. For the next part of this virtual date, we have a few words from the very actor that played Willie McDuff during the real Willy Wonka experience in Glasgow. Love is like a box of jelly beans.

You never know what you're going to get. However, some days you might put your hand in that bag and you might pull out a bogey-flavored jelly bean. But some days, you might put your hand in that bag and you pick out chocolate. Life is full of ups and downs and lefts and rights and round the corners and down the drains. But if you have love, if you have someone there beside you to share that bag of jelly beans with, Then that bogey is half as disgusting because there's two of you. And that chocolate is twice as nice because there's two of you. To Ian.

To Ian. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. Have you got goosebumps? Just a goose bump check?

There's a few standing up. Fun fact, goose bumps are actually called pilo erections. Did you know that? Actually, did I. We are about to introduce you to the sad umpalumpa that captured the hearts of the world. So hello Ian, I know you've missed the famous Willy Wonka experience in Glasgow. However, I've teamed up with Alana and we are going to give you the best day ever. The best day of your whole entire life.

Even better than two jelly beans and a quarter glass of lemonade. And who knows? Someone might come and scare you at some point. I don't go for a goodie. We've been scared. That part's already done though. Don't worry about it. It was the unknown. And you didn't look that scared. That was lovely. Thank you very much to Willy Wonka in the Umpalumper.

As that sinks in, I would like to announce the initiation of the 45 second romantic intermission. So, Alana, for this to ensure your privacy, you can turn your camera off. We'll turn our camera off. And I'm going to start the timer as soon as both cameras are off. I'm just getting my timer. And 45 seconds starts now. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. And done.

Wow, Alana's hair is a bit disheveled. Yeah. How was that for you? Both. Do you need another 45 seconds or all? Thank you, mate. So for this point, we are heading into the section where we're going to recreate little moments from the Willy Wonka experience, starting with that famous

jelly bean counter where the sad and umpulumpur was working. So the unknown, this is your cue. Mariam re-emerges from behind the mirror holding two jelly beans. Hello everyone, how are you? Would you like a jelly bean? Well, I only have two jelly beans. There we go. She hands one to Alana and one to Ian. I'm going to do with this. I've been giving worse things with you, a doctor. And then for the second part is the recreation of the famous bubble tree by the actor that played Willie McDuff. Light comes from within.

Marion reaches into her pocket and pulls out the pot of babbles. We shine our lights on each other, and they make each other's lights brighter. Now, let me introduce you to a very special plant. She releases bubbles all over Alana and Ian. A plant that's found deep in the darkest depths of the most mysterious jungle. This plant is called the bubble bloom. And the bubble bloom blooms but once a moon

and will only bloom in the presence of true love. If your love is true, bubbles should appear above your head right now. One lands directly on Ian's forehead. And it should reflect the light that you both emanate from your wonderful souls. How was that experience? Stinging in my eyes, I must admit. I don't think they were... I don't think that was designed for my eyes.

Don't worry, it's non-toxic. Oh, it was lovely. I mean, it was full of bubbles and what an experience to be part of. What a time to be alive. Sadly, that is the end of the immersive recreation of the event itself, and that brings us onto the next section, which we're calling the closing compliments. So, Ian, we've shared a photo of you, and we asked the Saddamper and Willie Mcduff, based on this photo to give you some compliments. I would like to compliment it on such a warm

smile. Not only does he smile with his mouth, he smiles with his eyes, and that's the sign of someone who is genuinely happy. Do you know what? Strong eyebrows. As a man who has always struggled with eyebrows, my whole life being very, very blunt. I'm jealous of those brows. So, Ian, I like an older man. I like a silver fox. I like someone in their 40s and 50s,

and you look like, mm, definitely my type. Shit, the umpulumpur is cracking on to Ian. We did not plan for this. However, I know you're not on the market, and I know you're smiling, and I like to see a good smile. And I like, oh, I like his, like he's got a nice, He kind of knows as well.

Like it looks like it's very, you know, nice friendly eyes as well. He deserves a good date. The umpalumpa stole my man. Yeah. It wrought his shelf. It writes itself. That's the next,

you know. The next chapter of the Willie Walker scandal. You end up with McDuff. When I end up with a lumpa, I mean, cranky-mighty, this is part two. As long as it just stays in this immediate, at circle, I think that's absolutely fine. Ian, my compliments, you was going to be physical based on

the photos, but actually just having sat here with you and watching you, just the way that you've put up with this nonsense and you've just, you're still here. The fact you're still here says a lot about you as a person and the strength of your character and your courage. Just thank you and congratulations. And it's lovely to say that. Thank you. You know, I'm just a superstar, what can I say? It was all about me It was always about you, Ian It's all about me It's all about me

That's just a whole point This day is gone to Ian's head We did not prepare for this I did tell you we'd love it didn't I Ian This is the ultimate question Do you forgive Alana For not taking you to Willie's chocolate experience

Of course I do I have to I have to She washes my pants I need to She's her what? He said she washes my pants. I empty the dishwasher, I change the beds, I make the same ridges.

No, no, no, we're not going into the, you know, he does this. This is not part of the date. I'm vetoing this. Karen? Yeah. Obviously, we have been trying to crack this case, and the way we've wanted to crack this case is to get closure for the biggest victim and justice for Ian. do you feel that we can safely say this case is closed?

I think we should ask Ian. Do you think we can actually close this case now, Ian? Do you feel satisfied? I think we can close the case, we can stand upon it, we can squeeze everything inside it and send it off on holiday somewhere. I never thought I'd be here right now, but together we've just planted the seed for more romance.

Romantically inspired, that's what we do. We've romantically closed a case. It's the first time we've ever done that. Correct. Probably the last as well. Well, good night and good luck. We are under no illusions about what just unfolded and what we just put you through, our precious listeners.

That is, if you are even still listening. Yes, we closed a case, but at what cost. It was executed in the most unhinged way possible. A date, engineered, calculated, the opposite of romance. Ian and Alana, completely unaware that they were pawns in one of our weird detective spirals. It was uncomfortable, and let's be honest, completely unnecessary. There is an art to knowing when to stop.

To recognising the moment a strategy has crossed a line. Sometimes the most professional thing you can do is walk away. To accept defeat. To just quit. Because the smartest move is sometimes the one you do not take. What is not smart is showing up to a virtual force. some date with two strangers plus one friend hiding behind a mirror who you never once spoke a word to. And now as the dust settles and the damage has been done, we need answers. We're bringing in an

expert to dissect what just transpired. To determine one thing, should we maybe not have gone on that date? We have just been involved in an investigation and it took a bit of a romantic turn unexpectedly and there's a date that happened. We just need a sort of a professional perspective to gauge how bad or good this date was. Hi, I'm Persian Lawson. I am a dating and relationship coach. I write books. I podcast and I help women and couples get brilliant love lives.

If you had to guess, how many people in total have you given relationship advice to? 20,000? 20,000. Oh my God. Out of those 20,000 people, have you ever come across a story of a date that they went through? Yes. Yeah. A fair few. Are there any stories that stand out to you as an example of probably one of the worst dates you've ever come across? Immediately one came to mind, which is where someone essentially sharted on a date, they thought they were going to get away with a fart.

and unfortunately they followed through and it was not something that could be disguised. It was bad. What was the location of the chart? Andes, Kieran. As in, were they at dinner? Were they in a nice restaurant? Yeah.

A really nice restaurant. Are they married now? They are no longer dating, no. That wasn't, well, so she thinks. That wasn't the reason. We cautiously explain the date to Persia. So basically, yeah, Persia, what we need, is that's what happened.

Do you have any red flags about what we did? Go. Right. Well, have you ever had any sort of tests? Like, you know, are you both okay? Like, are you okay? How long have we got? Do you know what?

That is the right initial reaction, I think. I think we can answer that we're probably not okay after what we went through. I think we're not okay generally. I wouldn't say we're okay. Okay, I can work with that. I just needed to know if you knew. You know what I mean?

Like, are we all on the same page that you're not fully, you know, you might be a bit of a sandwich short of a picnic, so to speak, or a chocolate bar short of a Willy Wonka experience? No, we're not in denial, Persia. We're absolutely not in denial. We're trying to reflect on this and grow from it. We want to learn from our mistakes. I like to do the shit sandwich, so to speak, with clients.

And I've actually reversed the shit sandwich. but let's go back. Let's point out the things you did well because there's always something to be proud of ourselves for. I like your commitment. Okay. Because a lot of my clients really, and me, my former self, really struggle with commitment. And there's one thing that can be said about the two of you is when you decide to do something, you bloody commit. And you really went all the way, you know, not many people do that. There's many stages along the way here where you could have backed out. You could have gone, maybe this isn't such a good idea. And for that, I can only say I respect you because, yeah, most people these days are commitment phobes. So would you say

that's a fair assessment of you both? Like you are committers? Yeah, but are you about to say that we're good at commitment, but we shouldn't have committed to that one? Because I think it's okay to say this isn't a good idea, Karen. Maybe we should stop this. So yeah, we committed. But, should we be committing? It's good to know when to stop, and I don't think we've ever had the moment when we've realised we need to stop until now. When was the first moment during this?

Just so I can have clarity, when is the first moment that you were like... Okay, I'm... No, I will... Do you know what? I think this is switching. This is switching. I was like getting a comment on the date,

but I knew this was going to turn about you and I's love relationship together as detectives. The thing is, Persia, Karen, without discussing it with me, without getting my genuine point of view on it, invited Ian to the date via Alana. So if you want to know the moment that date idea was born, it was in Karen.

Because there was the time constraint. I'm going to put it down the time constraint that I didn't feel like we had any other options and I felt that we needed to get an ending for this episode. And I think it's actually okay reflecting on this that we don't sometimes get an ending and it's okay to just go, do you know what, nip it in the bud. Is it better than nothing to do the date? Or is nothing better than the date? I don't know.

What do you think, if you had to summarize the top three red flags of what we've done, what would you say are the worst sort of elements? There wasn't full communication. And there seemed, you know, Lauren had some, maybe a little bit of umbrage, taking a little bit of umbrage with the fact that you just bulldozed ahead. Now that can come up a lot when dating or a couple. You're not on the same page, you know? Yeah.

I was on the page, but she was off the page. I was off the page, yeah. She was in a new chapter by this point. Yeah. Okay, so that was the first thing. The second thing you've also, can I just say, like, there is big growth here. There's a lot of self-accountability. You've also acknowledged that you failed to read the room. Yeah, Karen did, yeah. Which is a big one in dating. Would you agree? Yeah. I'd agree that Karen didn't read the room, yeah. It was the significant failing, yeah.

This is very interesting. I find your dynamic, like, fascinating. So even though you brought me into comment on the date itself, like, for me, it's all about what's not being. said. Between me and Kieran? There's a lot. There's a lot being seen and there's a lot being answered. Do you know what? I think that I love this woman more than anything other than my wife, obviously. There's so much respect and love there. I think perhaps you need to know how to stand up to me more because I think you were feeling uncomfortable with my suggestion and you went into it and I can get very like on to something and commit. Yeah. over commit and I actually think you need to be like do you know what I actually can we take a beat here

because I'm feeling a bit uncomfortable maybe didn't vocalise that enough so I could hear you and I'm open to it I'm open to hearing that is that true perjure well is that right you would know better than me but I think there's perhaps something in that right okay who wears the metaphorical trousers here me definitely well I'm the boss but Karen wears the metaphorical trousers I'm her boss though I'm the late detective but the thing is perjure if I see to her Karen I really don't think this is a good idea. She'd go, what's your idea then? How do you think we should end this episode? Right. What have you got then?

You want a solution. You want carrying a very solution-orientated. She's solution-focused. Always, always have been. Yeah. I think we can all hold hands here and know that it's okay to just take a beat and sit without the answers and without the solutions a little bit more. Be in the void, the messy void. And see what emerges. But there's no time for that, Persia. We don't have time for the void. I know. I know. That's the thing. It's lovely in theory. I'm going to make this suggestion here that we remove our time restraint moving forward

and just are a little bit more open to taking the time we need to make the right decisions. When it's necessary. When it's necessary. I actually think that's quite a good idea because I think that would take the pressure off some of these. We might have found a better angle if we had a bit more time. The police get more time. What do you think, Persia? I think that's not a bad shout.

Listen, at the end of the day, you two are the ones making the rules, which goes in any relationship. It doesn't have to make sense of whether it needs to work for you two. You guys get to decide. It's your show. It's our show. Like, you can do what the hell you want.

I really appreciate Perj. I think we realise that we need a bit more work on our own relationship as a result of this. And that's actually a beautiful bit of closure to get on this case. So it's not the journey we expected to go on, but we've been given a lot to think about and reflect on. But sorry, I don't understand

how we have gone on a virtual date with Ian to then learn something about ourselves. That's what Ian was there for. He didn't know it. But, you know, these things often do take unexpected turns and the lessons are everywhere, you know? Growth happens in the most unexpected, extraordinary of circumstances. In this case, involved a man called Ian

and a Willy Wonka scam. Who knew? But sorry, I still don't understand how I'm growing from this. What do I need to do? just recap that for me. The real red flag. The fact you just answered that question is a massive red flag. I just need to stand up to Karen more or do I need to stand up to Karen. You need to maybe sometimes say, Karen, that's a fucking stupid idea. We're not doing it. And also Persia, maybe you could give Karen some advice about how... Oh, here we go. How she can just maybe not demand things

from me. If I voice a concern, she doesn't have to immediately demand a solution, but maybe we can go on that journey to finding a solution together and grow. our relationship. Oh, that sounds good. I think I just need to change out of my metaphorical trousers. That's what I'm hearing and I will do that. Can I ask a quick question to each of you? Yes. I think we've established what, you know, both of you need to work on in yourself and in the relationship. Is that agreed? Absolutely. From my side. Yep. I just think it's always nice with clients I work with to wrap up. We acknowledge something good or positive that's working at the start. Then we go into the shit and the hard thing. And then we like to wrap it up with something positive. So Karen,

what is your favourite thing about Lauren or Lauren's like number one skill that you really admire and respect her for? The gravitas that she has when she becomes bad cop is truly inspirational. And the way that she thinks on her feet and she gets confessions, no one better. Thank you. How did that feel, Lauren? It felt really nice. Okay. And also a little bit uncomfortable, a little bit slightly uncomfortable. And same question to you. I value and respect and I'm also honoured to be with someone who is so extremely relentless.

Her relentlessness is what gets us the good stuff in this podcast. She says I'm a good bad cop, but that's because she's managed to track down these people, force them to do an interview, joyfully manipulate them so that I can then step. step in and perform. So her relentlessness is what carries me to be able to play out back on. And I love her for that. I love you too, Lauren. That changes everything because what we've now established is kind of forget everything

we said before. Karen, you need to absolutely continue to be relentless. And you just need to have a different perspective. Sometimes you win some, sometimes you lose some. Not every single case is going to be bang on. But if you're not free to be relentless and just go for it and have you know, know, some awkward moments with men like Ian, then you're not going to also, you know, get the good ones in. As Mary Poppins once said, reach for the heavens, you get the stars thrown in.

So that's what I want us all to take away from this. That's what I'm taking away. It's like, you know, maybe this isn't a bad thing. It's just like, sometimes you win them, sometimes you lose some. And I've really learned that some good can really come from some bad, awkward moments because I regretted it before this conversation. Now, at the end of this conversation, I have zero regrets. I've been feeling bad about the date and bad about our choices and what led us to go on that date with Ian.

But now I feel quite proud of us. This is, can you feel what's happening here? Yeah. There's magic in the air. There is magic in the air. We've recreated the lost magic from the Willy Wonka experience. There is magic still. Oh, we've put

it into our relationship. Put it into our relationship. How beautiful is that? I'm actually genuinely getting body shivers from this. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no, what happened? Can you show me your arm?

Have you got goosebumps? Show me your arm? Yeah. Don't you don't want to know about there's been a goosebumps situation on this. We didn't want to bring this up with you, but we've... We didn't want to bring this up with you because it's even worse than anything else. It's actually the worst part of this case. I can't believe you've just got them now.

So it's spreading. It's like a disease. It's infectious. We should actually do a shout out on this episode and be like, if you received goosebumps on this episode, make sure you comment on whatever. And film them and send it to a slide. Send it to our in our DM so we get cancelled. DMS with your goosebumps.

We'll put it on an only fans. You can make a lot of fucking money having like an only fans. We're going to sell goosebumps. Leads to have an only fans. Yeah. If this links to our new big business venture, I couldn't be more down with it. If this is how we get rich. No, but seriously, I think this is probably where you're going to make your millions.

It's goosebumps. Only fans. Porn. Goose fans. Come on. If a non-crime crime is being committed against you, you may be entitled to pro bono detective services. Report your crime on our website.

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