Who Shat On The Floor At My Wedding? And Other Crimes - S3 E3 Fecal Fugitive - BONUS

Episode Date: August 13, 2025

What is the correct etiquette when facing a digestive dilemma at a wedding? How should the poopetrator at Andrea's wedding have acted to maintain grace and dignity after committing their fecal felony?Detective Lauren Kilby and Assistant to the Detective Karen Whitehouse interview William Hanson - the UK's leading etiquette expert and co-host of legendary podcast 'Help I Sexted My Boss' to get some answers.If you are thinking of becoming a poopetrator, this episode is for you. Tune in now to learn how to commit these crimes in style.Follow the episode evidence on Instagram @whoshatontheflooratmyweddingSound design: @juanthummler Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

There are moments in life that test our character and require dignity in the most compromising conditions. This season you'll either be pleased or upset to know that we're going to encounter quite a few fecal non-crime crimes. And while it's tempting to ridicule the perpetrator, our journey so far has revealed a humbling truth. Anyone can become the perpetrator. Yes, anyone. your mother, your partner, your baby, your assistant detective, your best friend, your brother-in-law, even you. Because sometimes the body has a mind of its own. Maybe you've over-indulged in wedding beans.

Or maybe you've had one too many delicious beverages like run charter. Maybe you're wearing braces and you can't get them off fast enough. Or maybe you just need to go. Whatever the culprit, the question remains. What is the correct etiquette when facing. a digestive dilemma at a formal event. Today we seek answers from someone who might never have expected to be pulled into such a discussion. Britain's leading etiquette coach, William Hanson.

William advises people and organisations on the finer points of form, decorum and social grace. You're probably holding your teacup incorrectly. You might think it's posh to stick your little finger out, your pinky as some people call it, But for a variety of reasons, this is not correct. Stick the finger in. Thank you. How to greet the king and queen. If you identify as male, you bow from the neck.

Like so, you don't need to bend from the waist like you do in Japan or at the end of a stage show. If you identify as female, a curtsey. It's not a dramatic curtsy to the floor. Instead, it's just a small drop, one foot behind the other, and bow the head at the same time. You're probably eating your keys incorrectly. What we never do with peas is shovel them onto the underside of the fork and bring them up to the mouth because they fly everywhere and we don't want that. Instead, using the back of your knife, push and spear some peas onto the tines of your fork.

You have a needle, a collection, which you can eat like so. We're meeting in a studio where William and Jordan North record their hilarious podcast, Help I Sexted My Boss. William is an intoxicating blend of luxury sweetness and mild terror. Karen and I are slightly obsessed with him and we are terrified to bring this matter to him. Let's be perfectly clear. William does not specialise in anything remotely related to feces.

But if there's anyone who can help us navigate a moment of utter social crisis with dignity and poise, it's him. This is Fecal Fugitive. Bonus episode. Okay, so we're in a little cafeteria bit, and we're waiting for William or his producer to come and get us to take us upstairs to the recording.

I am feeling, I think, honestly, this is the most nervous I have felt in this entire podcast. I'm not just saying that. I just don't want to offend anyone. We're meant to be making a comedy podcast, not upsetting people or, like, ruining their reputation. And as much as he's got a really good sense of, humor, I genuinely believe that we're pushing this one step too far.

I just really want to impress him. I'm absolutely obsessed with him. He's the only person on Instagram that I follow and I watch every bit of content. So I've got this weird, like, fan girl nervousness going on. So I've got that. We're going to the guy that literally advises people how to meet royalty. And have you seen the questions that I'm going to, I, we've agreed that I'm going to be asking him to read out to broadcast to millions of people.

And that's on me, not on you. I've got the hardest bit. I've got the worst bit here. I think honestly, read the room and make sure you don't push it because we cannot fuck this up. Oh, I feel just not okay about this. I honestly think we need to just sense if he hates this and if he hates it, we need to cut it fucking short

and just forget this ever happened. My palms are sweaty. I feel really sick. I've just got a text from his producer. We're ready for you in three. coming down. Oh no. Oh, my God. Oh, no. Oh, God. William Hinson. I'm sorry for what we're about to do. Hello, William. Hello. Thank you for having me. I hate to bring this to you particularly because we're going to delve into something which is more on the extreme end of the etiquette spectrum. Yes. So we've basically

feel that we've got a moral responsibility to help just provide future pooperators out there. with the right tools to sort of take the right course of action etiquette-wise, should they face these fearful dilemmas? Right. I'm not sure there was a lot of etiquette performed at this wedding. Okay. Particularly after the hours of around midnight and beyond. The wedding kind of ended and everyone had a really nice time.

And then the next day, Bruce woke up. Bruce is the father of the bride. Okay. Bruce went into the bathroom and in front of him, and I can't believe I'm saying this to you, William, he found fecal matter all over the walls, all over the toilet, all over the rubbish bin, and in the hinges of the toilet seat, someone had shat on the wall at Andrea's wedding. That is the nature of the crime. Humans are the worst.

Humans are disgusting. I think I would just add the most distressing part for me It gets more distressing Is the height Please don't say you're going to show me photographs No no no no no no no no no We don't have a reconstruction from Bruce It was drawn but I'll still spare you from that

It was a logistical feat of athletic excellence I would say just the distance this fecal matter spreads It's making me feel quite ill Yeah sorry I hope you don't have to eat any time so I ate before this, thankfully. Okay, great. There's one other thing you need to be aware of.

Right. There was a special recipe. Andrea's mother has a special recipe for something called wedding beans. This, and it's a famous recipe. It is now. It's been served at many weddings where this hasn't occurred. There are a couple of suspects, one in particular who, eight six hundred and eighty wedding beans.

Sorry, six hundred and eighty. That is the estimated amount. These are these? Bake beans. Right. They're baked beans. Two full plates.

Two full plates, which we estimate to be about six hundred and eighty. It's not scientific. It's two very full plates. Yeah, very large, but they love these wedding beans. This family is obsessed with the wedding beans. We've got the recipe. It looks pretty delicious. Very spicy.

I've got a bit of a hunch. They might not serve them at future weddings. That's the only other fact of the case that you need to be aware of. Okay. Are we, I can't believe I'm asking this question, in the bath from, in amongst the little job is up the wall, were there remnants of beans? I asked Bruce, who's a lovely man, he's actually the hero of the wedding. He said that there were no signs of clear wedding beans. So it may not have been the beans. It might not have been the beans, but it turns out if you consume a large number of beans that certain things can happen to your body. I've connected the dots. Should we get to the crux of the etiquette issue here?

Because you're probably going, where's my involvement in this? Yes, there's bound to be something about Oysterfolks or Napkins any minute. So you're a guest at a wedding at the home of the bride's parents. There is one bathroom and one bathroom only. And that bathroom is currently engaged. You, not you, but, you know, have. have eaten too many spicy wedding beans and drunk way too much, the combination of which is causing severe havoc on your bowels.

By the time it's your turn, you know you're in serious trouble and are about to have a fecal dilemma of the uncontrolled explosive kind. The issue is there is minimal to zero cleaning equipment in this bathroom, just two loo rolls. And there is a short cue of people still queuing outside. straight after you. In that situation, you can do the right thing and you can definitely do the wrong thing.

Yeah. So here's four options. Okay. Which I think covers both the right and the wrong. Yes. And some things in the middle. We would love if you would read these out. Oh, right. Okay.

And tell us what resonates with you when you're reading them. Okay. I'm so sorry. Option A. Do you miss the lavatory bowl and shit all over the wall, Tiddle yourself up, then pop your head around the door to do a polite announcement to the remaining people in the queue to inform them that there has been an incident for which you are entirely responsible, but unfortunately it means that the lavatory is closed for the foreseeable future.

Politely requests that someone from the queue brings you a change of clothes and serious cleaning equipment, then you clean it up yourself and return to the party. That's option A. Option B. If you're wearing trousers and or large pants with a firm gusset, You shit yourself to contain the explosion in your clothes as much as you can. Then you proceed to shuffle out at the bathroom, avoiding eye contact with anyone in the queue, and find a way to subtly wash and change your clothes,

even if it means rifling through the mother or father of the bride's wardrobes upstairs to source these spare clothes. Option C. Miss the lavatory bowl and shit all over the wall. Keep everyone waiting while you persevere for one hour to have a shower and clean up the mess as best you can with the minimal cleaning supplies available. leave the bathroom in a questionable state of hygiene and return to the party having tried your best.

And finally, option D. Miss the lavatory bowl and shit all over the wall. Don't clean it up, just proceed to walk out at the door with your head held high and say it was like that when you went in and mutter something about how disgusting humans are to people in the queue. Wow. Or option E. Yeah, there is no option E.

No, and I have to pick one of those, do I? Unfortunately, yes. I'm thinking A or D, I'm just not sure B or C are viable. I mean, also from a doctors, from a medical point of view, which I don't believe any of us are doctors or medically qualified. I think they would recommend not holding it in because I think that's bad. Oh, you think safety first? Better out than in, probably.

That is true, yeah. But, yes, probably if you are a good actor and you can get away with option D, do option D, probably. But I think honesty is probably the best policy. Option D missed the toilet bowl and shit all over the wall. Don't clean it up. Just proceed to walk out of the door with your head held hide. Can we have D part two?

Don't miss the Lou bowl and sit on the Lou. There wasn't an option. Option A is clearly, I just, I'm surprised because we sort of fed you the obvious answer, I thought, with option A, which is be a hero. Well, yeah, well, that is what I would do, because I'm not a particularly good actor and I wouldn't really miss the Lou Bowl My gut would be A

I would put my hand up in a polite way and say, you know, everyone would know what happened but I'd own it and do my best and maybe that's because I've been a victim of a fecal crime when someone did defecate on the floor at my own wedding and I know what it's like to go through that as a victim so I want to prevent that from happening again But I would love a bit of advice about when I sort of went to pop my head around the door to address the queue.

What to say. Yeah, exactly what to say. Well, I think it depends on who's in the queue. Because if it's someone that you know, if it's a very close friend or a relative or your loved one, you might go, darling, just come in here for a minute and get them in. No, these are people that... These are all strangers. All strangers.

I might have had the occasional chat with a glass of champagne earlier in the way. evening, but that's about it. Then I think you picked the one that you liked the most, or, or actually, no, you pick the one who you liked the least, and you think, well, I didn't want to see them again anyway, and you invite them in. And then it's their problem. So you go, you, number four, in here. Yeah. So, but I'd use their name. Okay, but you might not know their name. Excuse me, number four. What is your name? Well, if you can chat into them, hopefully you'd say their name, but yeah, you sort of get them in and sort of go. Deal with us. Could you help? So you would, because that wasn't part of option A.

Well, I'm embellishing. Yeah, wow. Yeah, I would get them through and get them to help. Or at least send them off to get the staff and they can see the scene of the crime. And so, look, you need to go and sort of raid the underneath the kitchen cupboard. Yeah. And go and get the... So there's no polite announcement in the variation of Option A.

It would be like you, Agatha, please come here. And invite them into a fecal. Well, you don't have to invite them in but you could sort of talk to them quietly because I wouldn't sort of announce it to the entire queue. No. I think that's where you're going wrong. Yeah, why did you want to do that?

That's a bit weird. I just thought, you wanted to make a mess of announcement. I was in the energy of, right, I'm going to own my mistake here. And, you know, it's the honourable thing. I think you can own your mistake. I don't, but you don't need to own your mistake to the power of the entire rest of the party.

That's a very strange interaction, isn't it, with one person that's a stranger. It's not the strangest part of this story. No. If anything, it's the most normal. So, okay, let's do a little role play if you feel okay with that. Yes. I'm Agatha in the queue.

And I'm just, you know, a little bit desperate to go, but, you know, I can hold on for another five minutes. And then I'm like, gosh, what's going on? Someone's taking a while the door opens. Out pops your face. Mm-hmm. Hello. Agatha, it's Agatha, isn't it?

Yes. Could just have a word in your shell like, and then off you'll come. Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle. Yes. Love that top. Is it new? Thanks, yeah, it is actually. Yes.

Do you have a thing to go over the top of it, to protect it? A bib. Yes. Yes, I think I do actually in my handbag. Tell you what, pop that on. Yes. And then could you pop downstairs, and I think underneath the kitchen sink, there's some domestos. and some squeegee sponges and a bit of anti-back.

Can I just ask for you to bring them up? And just pop inside and I'll tell you the next bit when you get up there. Agatha bustles off and then you just turn to the queue and go, momentito and shut the door. That's what I'd suggest. Momentito. Yes, so that's what I'd do. I think that's very clear.

Thank you, William. Momentito. Momentito. Momentito. It's a little bit of sort of, you're aware, you're acknowledging it, but you're not giving it too much weight. And there we have it. The ultimate fecal etiquette weapon from the king of etiquette himself.

Momentito is the word. If any future perpetrators are listening right now, that's the word to buy yourself more time amidst any fecal dilemma. Never forget. Momentito. Am I bad cop in this situation? Who's the worst cop between Lauren and I right now? Who do you feel most worried about?

Lauren, I think. Thank you. This is where we're going to have a beautiful moment of intense music to make you sound like a hero. And I would love just for you, William Hanson, to do a broadcast, not just to the perpetrator at Andrea's wedding, but to the whole world of future perpetrators. Yes. A message to help them maintain dignity and grace in the face of fecal disasters. Now listen up, scatterological perverts. What you need to do is if you are feeling like your bowels are going to be evacuated quicker than you can say Jumanji.

What you'll need to do is before any event where you're using anyone else's lavatory or some form of public convenience is you need to get yourself down to the nearest boots, super drug or any other drug store and get yourself some emotive. instance and you swallow the entire packet before you turn up anywhere and that'll see you through until the next quarter and then you need to time it so that you are then positioned over your own lavatory in your own bathroom and any problems occur for you to sort out and not anyone else and if you can't trust yourself don't RSVP in the affirmative to weddings My only issue with that statement, William, is that going back to one of your earlier comments where you said better out than in. Yes, but better out than in, but also in the loo, not up a wall.

I wouldn't be able to sleep at night. Would you, if that was a you? Gosh, well, I feel like we've got a lot to take on board. So just to really make sure I've grasped that. Good, we'll continue to talk about it, lovely. If I got invited to a member of the royal family's wedding, I should head to boots around 12 hours prior to... Well, I believe a modium instance sort you out pretty damn quickly. So four out, two hours? Yeah.

I mean, you always buy them in advance and just have them in your handbag or whatever ready to go. Ready to have. But you've got to make sure, so I'm in my hotel, ready to go and I'm, you know, getting dressed before I get my, you. you know, glad rags on. Yeah. Take the emodium instance, wait. Yeah. Maybe a cup of coffee.

Tie a packet. No, not coffee, because that's going to have a counterproductive effect. Right, okay. I think wedding beans. Whitting beans and emodium. No, no, no, because the emodium bungs you up. No, it doesn't. It's the opposite.

Emodium. No. It's not a lexative. I thought you were suggesting take a load of... Oh no, but I've now got, you've inspired me for another solution. More music. get yourself to the nearest colonic hydrotherapist and you have a colonic irrigation before,

there's nothing left in you, and then you go and you're safe for all public events. Thank you very much for joining us on this. Thank you and sorry. Yeah, thanks, I'm sorry. Well, you will be. Thank you for having me.