Who Shat On The Floor At My Wedding? And Other Crimes - S3 E30 BONUS - Q2 Quarterly Crime Review

Episode Date: July 1, 2026

The next installment of our quarterly bonus series has landed. In this episode, we sit down with Performance Consultant Helen McLaughlin (formerly Assistant to the Assistant Detective) to conduct a comprehensive review of our investigative performance.Using industry-leading metrics and stakeholder feedback, we assess our handling of Q2’s cases: Who Shat Under The Silver Service Cloche?, Mayonnaise Madness and Willy Wonka Scam.This quarter, PC Helen is definitely not holding back.Support us on Patreon http://patreon.com/whoshatontheflooratmyweddingGo to our Instagram @whoshatontheflooratmywedding to vote on our pollSound design by @avaud.ioSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Morning Karen. Good morning, Lauren. Morning, Helen. Good morning. Good morning. Could you pass my coffee? Right, so, right, I think we're ready. Let me just connect this to the screen.

I think we're ready. Yep, let's start then. Right, ready for our 2026 quarterly crime review. Welcome everyone. First item on the agenda, roll call. Detective Lauren Kilby? Yes, present. Performance consultant Helen McLaughlin,

AKA the former assistant to the assistant detective. I'm here. I don't think I have that title, though. No, former. Yeah, but I don't agree with the assistant to the assistant because I never agreed to that position. Oh my God. But also you said that wrong, Karen. You said assistant to the assistant detective.

How many times do we need to go over this? This should be the simple part of the agenda. Okay, should we just start again? How about we're all here? Yeah. I could do the little less sass from all of you. We've got quite a lot to get through. Okay, noted.

Can I just remark how, amazing is that a quarter has already gone by. I can't believe it. How time flies. Doesn't it just when you having fun? Oh, from the Q-1. It feels like it's gone quite slowly for us. Yeah. But I think the reason for that will be revealed on this, in this review. You like one of those dung beetles rolling a piece of dung up a hill? Is that what it is? Is that what you think we do for this podcast? We're just rolling metaphorical shit up a hill. It's not far from the truth. It's the impression I get of what you do in your office all day, yeah. Okay. Great. That's a positive note to start on.

Thanks for that, Helen. Thanks for that Helen. Really supportive as my wife as well. Before we start, has anyone got anything else to say that's positive? I don't have anything positive to say, but I need to just flag something to the group. Right. It's just regarding Survey Monkey, and you tell me I'm not allowed to read the results of the Survey Monkey questionnaire that goes out to all the clients. But I have to manually screenshot every single answer because exporting requires a Survey Monkey upgrade,

and I refuse to do that. Feels like a really boring story. I just want to put it out there that I may have seen some of the answers, and I need you to not get pissed off about that because that's just how I feel. What difference does it make? I don't think it makes any difference, and I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill. Well, if you get fired up, then that's the reason.

Okay. I think that's very honest of you. You have integrity. I feel like I could leave you with, like, I don't know, a plate of chips or chocolates and you wouldn't pinch one if you didn't. No, you should go for the snacks. Do you reckon? I'd eat it, yeah.

Okay. I think you've got great moral integrity when it comes to anything other than food. I think that's fair. And same with Helen. I do enjoy a snack. Okay, that's enough. What's next? My final question before we kick off is, Helen, do you remember why you're here today?

Jeez, that's really like formal? Yes, I believe I'm here to do a review of your progress this quarter. Fantastic. Yeah, so we're all on the same page. Brilliant. Right, well, it's our Q2 quarterly crime review. We're reviewing three cases today. Those cases are the case of Who Shat under the Silver Service Closh, Mayo Madness and Willie Wonka.

Three cracking cases and we're going to go through our performance on these three. Have you only done three cases this quarter? Yeah, but one was three parts. Only? Yeah, and what do you mean only? It takes quite a while to investigate. I know you put a lot of time left in. Do you know what?

You could actually listen to the podcast and then you'd know. Yeah, maybe you could support your wife. Do you know, I'm taking time out of my Saturday trimming of all the bushes to get this done. So come on, let's go. First item on the agenda. Recap of KPIs. We've got three KPIs. The first one is case-solving rate.

The second one is customer satisfaction. And the third one is listener satisfaction. I'm going to go through the reviews from our listeners, good and bad. Fabulous. So, Helen, you're going to remember you're going to be taking notes and you're going to be making sure. that you understand once we agree on the case-solving rate per crime, you're actually going to write the notes this time, so then we can review it at the end.

Because remember you give us a number, you have to calculate the number, remember? Okay, let me open up this notepad here. You're not doing anything. You're not opening up a notepad. I can see you. It's video. She's frozen. Oh. Are you kidding? Show me that notebook you just referred to?

It's not a notebook. It's on the online notebook on my laptop. She is screaming? No, no, it's fine. Let's leave it. Let's leave it. Next item on the agenda. Established case-solving rate for Q2 crimes. Starting with the case of who shat under the Silver Service Closh. To sum this case up, there was a Bachelor Party in Florida when there were like eight guys that were having a pretty riotous drunk in time.

And then at around 4.30 in the morning, two of the last men standing from the top floor of this beach house in Florida that they hired, came out to go from their little veranda, finished their beers, and they were about to go to bed, and they smelt shit. And they followed the trail of this scent down into the kitchen

where they saw the most unimaginable scene, which was a porcelain plate with a human shit on it, and covering it was a silver service closh. So they didn't know there was a shit there until they took the closh off, obviously? Well, I think they kind of put two and two together. And they saw the smear.

There was a smear beside the bush. plight. That's disgusting. Yeah. But I think this was an absolute slam dunk of a case because we came up with the most inventive case-solving theory yet involving the length of our suspect's femur bones and how they could have used a Yeti cooler as a seat or a makeshift toilet because that was also in the crime scene. And we got a forensic osteologist to rule out, measure the calculations of our suspects and rule out the suspects so it was obviously just one guy. Wow. So you correct the case. Did he confess? No. I would not say we cracked that case. He didn't confess we weren't allowed to talk to them, any of the suspects. So we had to crack it without speaking to them. We closed the case,

but I wouldn't say we cracked it. You have no confirmation? No, no. But you're like the evidence is unequivocal because of this specialist and about the femur bone length? Um, no, because there's another suspect that was pretty suspicious. Okay. I think we whittled it down to like a 50-50. I don't think we could have done better. Our detective work was the best it could be with the tools that we had. That's what I'd say. I agree with it.

So where are we at here? Are we like giving you a mark based on the actual result? Or are we giving you a mark on like the effort you put in like a also participated type trophy? I think it's like a feeling. It's a feeling. It's just what you feel. What's the percentage, Helen? 0%.

Okay. Okay, this is not a good start. No, poise. Okay, zero, yeah. Okay, you move on to mayonnaise madness, Lauren. I don't see how it could be any other value. You seem to be moving on quite quickly, so you obviously agree, I think. That's the vibe I'm getting.

I agree with that. I was going to say 1%, but you said 0 and you're the performance consultant, so what you say goes. Yeah. Can you bang your gavel? Hushet under the silver service closh case solving rate, 0%. room for improvement. Okay, then the next case we investigated was called mayonnaise madness

and I was the victim of buckets of mayonnaise being sent to my home where I live. They were getting larger and larger in size. Wow. And turns out I hate mayonnaise. I've got a hate list, Helen, and I can share that with you after if you want to see it.

Mayanase is on that hate list. So it's a hate crime. It was a hate crime. Wow, so they know you well. If it was a hate crime, it'd be like, because you were ginger or something, and then I'd send you sun lotion or something, I don't know.

Freudian's lip. Whoa, yeah, you came out with that really quickly, Helen. How can it be a hate crime? It's a hate crime because I hate mayonnaise and it was sent to me. And our criminal lawyer, Ben D. Troth, confirmed that. Okay.

So the sinister part of this, Helen, is that each delivery of mayonnaise, the mayonnaise was literally about to expire. So the sick fuck that was sending these deliveries to Lauren Our theory was that there's no other plausible explanation than this person wanted to fatten Lauren up like a little suckling pig, like a feeder, like a remote feeder because he's into larger women

and wanted to invite her on a date once she'd consumed all the mayonnaise. So it's pretty sinister. What do you think about that? I think that's tenuous. It was all we heard. I actually think you're a bit of a feeder, Karen. You're often like... There we go.

Lots of tasty food and then, like, does... desserts and snacks and things. You think she's trying to fit in you up like a sacking pig? Yeah, and I don't know for what ends, really. I have noticed you've been quite firm recently. I'm like, do you want some more? And you're like, no. And there's a quite unaggressive, no.

So I felt this subliminally. Well, at least I'm able to use words instead of like squealing like a pig or something like that, you know? Yeah. Yeah, that's a positive. It's kind of like this is definitely someone that could have a crush on me. but they don't have a crush on me how I currently am in my current form, my body form. They want to fatten me up with the mayonnaise, so therefore they're attracted to a larger version of me.

It's not that tenuous. It's creepy that they know where you live and they're sending these around, so that's not good. Also, Helen, like the other thing to play into this is that they spent a shit ton of money on it as well. Like, these were not cheap things. Each tub, like, one of them cost 50 euros. So in total the whole cost was like 150, 200 euros. It was a lot of a commitment from someone, so it was a bit intense. I mean, I've done that before.

We saw a friend who got two bunches of flowers. She didn't know who's from. And then me and another friend saw it, and we kept sending her flowers as well. So she was like inundated with many flowers. So I think commitment to the gag, you've just got to salute that, really. But no one hates flowers. Well, when she had like five or six bunches, she was like, what the hell's going on? Were they edible flowers?

Like fettling flowers? No, just regular flowers. because we kept having them delivered at our house. This is completely different to what has happened to me, Helen. That's like a kind thing that cannot be... No one has flowers on their hate list. Probably.

And flowers don't fatten you out like a suckling pig. So... True. Thank you for that example, that reference, but it's unrelated to this case, I will say. Did you find out who? We crack the case. You crack the case?

Oh, we cracked that case. We had the order form, so we took a step back and we looked at the evidence and we realised that there was a number on the order form that we thought was from the company that sent it, but actually it was the number of the bloody sender. So it wasn't like the most miraculous, like, discovery, but we found that the perpetrator actually gave himself up accidentally.

We just really had to look at every detail of these order forms. So it wasn't the best, like, detective-solving strategy, but what we did with that information was genius. We set up the best ambush to date where we lured this guy called Billy in to Tobin's flat because he's friends with Tobin. So we knew that Tobin knew about it. And we got Tobin in on it. We bribed Tobin saying, look, we'll give you a free ad in this episode if you lure and Billy to have a night with him. Oh, but it wasn't just going to be a catch-up.

He said it was going to be a pop-up nachos event and then we're going to go together and meet at his house. instead of that nacho catch up, he came to Tobin's house and there were two detectives lying in wait and we set up the best ambush, including the lie detector and we interrogated the shit out of him and got a confession after really surprising and turning the tables on him. Did you at least give him some nachos? He found some nachos under Tobin's bed

and ate them while he was putting on his microphone when we were in the other room hiding. Okay, so at least he got something that he was probably, Why do you care about... I don't know, it just seems... If I was like invited somewhere to a nacho-like event, I'd really be keen on the nachos, to be honest, so... He was a bit pissed off about not receiving the nachos.

Right? But then he shouldn't have sent expired tubs of mayonnaise to Laurence, so... Yeah. Why don't know why you're feeling sympathy for the perpetrator? He shouldn't have harassed me for almost a year. How did you work out whose phone number it wasn't? Did you call him? It was on the order form.

I could have just recalled that number when I got the third delivery. and then found out it was him. But no, we were speaking to the CEO of the distribution company, Michael, the mayonnaise merchant, and we were hoping that he would have access to data. You're not going to like this, Helen, because you work in cyber security. We were hoping that he would have access to the information about the sender, just any kind of information.

And we were going to skirt around GDPR. Karen was going to do the alphabet, and he was going to cough at a letter that related to the name of the sender. But we didn't need to do that. because the number was just on the order form, so it was fine. He called it, and he got through to Billy's answer phone. Oh. He was prepared to do that, by the way.

Right. Oh, that's great. And then he confirmed he was prepared to cough, but the lag resulted in the cough coming a few letters after, so the cough wouldn't have worked, even if he was happy to do the skirting around GDPR. So did he confess, and obviously you had evidence, and it was hard for him to...

He confessed. There you go. And then he made mayonnaise. We made mayonnaise together as punishment. Yeah, with a half. hand whisk, not a blender, not an electric blender, so he kind of hurt his wrist a bit. Slam dunk, I think solving a running gag like that as well is even better. Like, whatever the score is, like for 100%, Mick, can you add more?

I quite like this. You can. You're in control. You're the performance consultant. You absolutely can. If you believe that you can get higher than 100, then give us it. I think 125. What do you reckon? I think so. Also, why that's so important getting the 1-2-5 is we knit this in the bud, at the right time because he was about to strike again for his fourth attack. He was about to find, you know, the Hellman's Mayanase mascot, they've got this animated cartoon character that's like a Hellman's guy. He was going to buy the full body costume and send that to Lauren as the next

attacks. He didn't think we were on his case. So we nipped that in the bud and we got his confession before that was possible. So 1-25 feels good. What did you do with all the mayo in the end? Did you just chuck it or do you give it to someone? Well, it expired. So I couldn't do match with it. I just sat in my basement for a year and rats got it at some point. Are you kidding? Yeah, a rat ate one of the individual sachets. I threw some at Tobin's head during the interrogation with him. I gave some to a colleague at work and the rest of it just got binned because it expired and it's got eggs in it.

So you kind of have to throw it out. The case of mayonnaise madness solved and you get 125%. I'm a bit nervous about talking about the next one. I think you might have heard a few murmur. about this case and what we did. If I'm going to say the name of the case, and could you just let us know what you've heard about it? The case of the Willy Wonka scam?

I'm not sure what the case is, but I know the event, because that was in the news a lot, and people were laughing about it. So that's all I know. Oh, God, so I haven't even told you, as my wife, what we got up to in that episode. I know that you've been talking to lots of people and following lots of threads, as you always do. But we had a fine call with you about this.

Did you? And you told us that we needed a break. Oh, when you were here, yeah. Yeah, but that was before we did what we did. That was just when we had the pilo erection. Yeah, so long story short, Helen, I went on a virtual date with Lauren, a random man called Ian and his partner, Alana.

And a friend called Miriam, who was dressed as the unknown, which is the character that comes out of the walls. That was what happened. Any thoughts? Very hard to see where this. is going. I think everyone felt that way when they were listening to the episode. I guess Lauren's being a bit quiet because you're waiting for me to fill the awkward silence here. So what happened

was la la la. So we ended up in this very awkward, very poorly executed virtual date where we sent over some props, a bottle of champagne. They've got champagne. That's a win for them. They set up in their living room, like kind of an weird ambush for Ian, who was literally on a Friday night, just finishing work, wanting to have a nice relaxing evening and he came back to this set up in his living room, a table with a lone candle on it, a laptop with us, Lauren and I on Zoom,

a random friend of Alanas who was silently hiding behind a mirror wearing a silver mask and a wig dressed up as the unknown ready to like jump out and serve them with champagne at some point. We had actors that had recorded speeches we gave them a 45 second

intermission for a romance where they hooked at where they turned off their screen and we were like weirdly on the other side. But we banned heavy petting. It was light petting and light kissing. Because let's not forget that the unknown are still in the room behind the mirror, their friend. So we didn't want anything to go too far in terms of the sex or the romance. This is excruciating.

It's not great, is it? I actually completely agree. I can't deal with that episode. It's like the, was it episode three, season one where you went to seek out the monkey at the artist's zoo. I think this was worse. Is it worse? I think it's worse. I think going on a force and virtual date with two random,

like a couple that we've never met is worse than us being in a zoo with no children but recording people with interviews on microphones. I think that's worse. I'm starting to wonder about minus points here. Like, what the heck? No. Is that too mean? I don't think it's too mean.

No, no, no. Do what you think is right. But I agree with you. It is similar to the Zoe episode. This is your call whether you factor this into the case. solving rate for this one. One positive thing did come out of it is we got on a call with a relationship coach to assess how bad it was. Me and Karen. Yeah, Lauren and I got on a call with Persia, the relationship coach. And we said, how bad was this? So we can create some learnings from it.

And then she flipped it to become about our dynamic and our relationship, Detective Lauren Kilby and I. And she gave us a lot to think about and how to improve our own dynamic. And it came down to Lauren possibly needs to stand up to me a little bit more and I need to hear her. I was about to say boundaries. Yeah. If I've learned anything about being with Karen all these years, it's like you need to have some clear boundaries. And I think this got out of control and you allowed that to happen, Lauren. So that's just a bit of feedback.

Helen, me and you are bonding about our relationships with Karen. I don't like this dynamic. Because it is quite hard being in a relationship with her, isn't it? It is. It is. I wouldn't necessarily say it's a bonding thing between you and I, though. It's more me saying, stop being a little bitch and actually put some rules in there. How is this on me?

I'm glad you're not a relationship coach. That flipped. That is not appropriate. Persia did say, she said that Karen wears the metaphorical pants in our relationship. For sure. Which is the case. It didn't make the idea, but I did offer to change into metaphorical collops. So I also allow Karen to wear the trousers a lot of the time, but every now and again,

they have to be yanked back and you have to take charge of the situation, and that's the advice I would give. So, Helen, we have to be. do you think I should actually genuinely do that? We're on a call with Alana. Do you want me to leave you guys for a second? Do you want to just have a bit of a minute? Like, I don't have to be here for this. No, I need this advice.

If I need to change our relationship and how annoying she is, then I need some help from Helen. So we're on the call with Alana. We have no other possible ending for this episode. I haven't got a solution. That's important to note. I don't have a backup plan. Do you expect me to say, Karen, can we just go on mute for a second?

because we were together and say, let's not do this, we're not proceeding. Do you think I should do that? More the investigative route that is being taken, you should be standing up for that. Like, you set up a couple and you had this weird, creepy situation where you had somebody hidden behind a mirror or whatever, and like all of that was wrong.

It was wrong. That's not what Persia thinks. She thinks that Karen's relentlessness is what got us there, and sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad, and we're actually doing quite well. Our relationship is good. But should never give up the relentlessness, because the minute I question that, then I pair back and then the magic's lost is what we actually agreed.

I don't think there's any next steps for me that came out of that relationship discussion. I heard just stop being a silly bitch. That was from Helen. A little bitch. Stop being a little bitch, Lauren, is what I heard. That's your main action in the next step. You can't say no to Karen. Okay.

It won't stop me being relentless, but you can just say no and then I'll become relentless. You'll knock me onto another path of relentlessness. Yeah. Okay, Helen, maybe you and I should set up a separate chat where we just go over. like how to manage Karen in a relationship? Isn't it a bit like a dog training? You know when they're like trying to get the ball or being like difficult,

you can distract them with a treat. So you just treat me like that basically. Distract me with a treat. What kind of treat? Well, be like, this could be an exciting different route and then I'll be like, oh yeah, and then I'll just get distracted with that.

Is the episode funny? No. I think it's concerning. I don't like it. I really don't like it. I mean, do you wish that you'd not done that? Or are you okay with it? We actually realise that we are proud of the date now

because it proved that Karen's relentlessness got us somewhere and we didn't have any other endings and there's sometimes a bad situation can be made into something good when you turn it onto our relationship. So we learnt something about us in that process which means it's a good thing. The date is fine.

From a crime-solving perspective, there was nothing solved. So final scores on the doors for the case of the Willy Wonka scam Helen. So the question is not really about a crime. It's like, did you actually bring something positive to that situation to a victim? Yeah. But I guess technically you did, right? So what do you think? 100%. Come on now, Helen. You achieve the outcome and you still claim to have dignity after what you went through for that. No, some dignity was lost along the way. Are you saying points should be deducted for the loss of dignity? I think I'm just going to deduct some points for us.

Like the maximum we can get for this is 50%. There is no way we can accept 100 on that. It's not appropriate. You guys are really ashamed. No, you're encouraging us. This is a training situation here. Like, don't encourage us to do this again, basically. Yeah.

I mean, I'm swinging between like zero, so to stop you from doing that again or even minus points, as I said. But then if I look at what the objective was, the objective was to get closure for one of the victims and you did do that. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, very tenuously. I know that the date became positive in the end, but I don't ever want to go on a date,

a virtual date with a client slash victim, with you Karen, ever again. And that is me putting my foot down, me putting on the pants and saying no, Karen. That's exactly it. Let's say 10%. My initial, let's say, instinct was to give you minus points and maybe I should just revisit that, so minus 20.

Okay. Okay, yes, that feels good. Yeah, I'm happy with that. Willie Wonka scam, case solving rate negative 20%. Not very good. So what's the total then? Because you just gave above 100, below zero, and then something in the middle.

So what do you reckon? What's the total? It was 125 and it was minus 20. Oh, hang on. And what was the other one? What did you write down in your digital notepad? I didn't. Here we go again.

Did you write it down, Karen? Because I forgot. You solved the Mayo case. It was 0%, then we've got 100%, and then we've got minus 20. So do the math, Helen, please. 35%. That's down on last quarter, no? Yeah, it's not great.

Oh, that is down on last quarter. Yeah. Maybe you need to, like, decide which cases you sort of pull into which quarter so you can, like, fudge the numbers better. We don't need some more creative accounting. I agree. Yeah, we'll take that as an action for the next quarterly crime review. Moving on to the next point on the agenda.

Customer satisfaction. So we sent a survey monkey online questionnaire to the victim of the who shut under the Silver Service Closh case, and that is the woman called Shelby. We sent it to a bit of a weird one here, sent it to Detective Lauren Kilby, because she was technically the victim of Maynose Madness, and I became temporary lead detective. And then we sent it to Alana and Ian for the Willy Wonka scam. So the first page is about what's your name, so we don't need to do that. And don't do the names.

Do? Yeah. We need to know I've failed it out. Oh, I see. So you've got Alano. You've got Ian, anonymous lead detective, Lauren Kilby. Is that technically acceptable? And then Shelby?

Yeah, but she was the victim of mayonnaise madness, as I just said. So I became temporary lead detective. So it was a bit of a strange one. Ah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and who's anonymous? We don't know. That's the point of anonymous. Interesting to note that when you took charge of the case as the lead,

you solved it. Just saying. Hardly interesting to note. I think it's pretty interesting. That's not an agenda point, Helen. Question one on the customer satisfaction survey. How satisfied were you with the investigative services provided? You know what? You've got five out of five. What's five out of five?

As in everybody has said extremely satisfied. Oh. You've got like 100%. Yeah. Oh wow. Look at that. That's a slam dunk. Can I be honest with you? I feel really embarrassed about it now.

But I just, I filled it out. I filled it out. I'm really sorry. I don't know what took over me. I just... Whoa. I know. So what do we do there? I mean, even if we remove your vote, it would then be 80% out of 80, which is technically 100 anyway, so... It's just a bit embarrassing because I thought it would be funny to just to jump in and try and support how great I was as a temporary lead detective for mayonnaise madness. And I, like, I'm embarrassed now because it's really lame. My answers are actually just not funny. It's so cring. You couldn't handle the fact that I was allowed to fill it out. because I was the victim, so you also had to fill it out? I know.

You couldn't handle that I was allowed to do that. Can we please just forget I did that and then just don't read out my responses? Read out all of her answers, make sure you read out all of hers and you'll know which are hers. We're going to rib her, no worries. Yeah, good. This is not a legitimate survey now. No, it is, it is. Oh, God, okay. Moving on. Question two. Did we provide you with closure on this case?

I was disappointed that no arrests were made. while I appreciate the complexity of the case, I feel someone should have been held accountable for depriving a grown man of his Valentine's Day gift. Next response. Yes, I provided closure for myself on this case, so thank you to me. That must be you, Lauren.

Question three, what areas could we improve on? Yes, stop putting Lauren in charge and promote Karen. Oh, that's Karen. Bye, Mimi. I think a bit of a giveaway. Next answer Maybe don't try and label me, Karen. I don't put labels on you

so I don't appreciate when you try to label me as being meophobic. I don't know, you guys need to like work this out. This is a very passive-aggressive way of communicating with me, Lauren. I love it.

I felt so empowered. I mean, earlier I called you a little bitch and like this just totally proves it because you won't actually say it to Karen. You're basically using a survey monkey. You're saying it. I'm using you. you to communicate with Karen.

You hide behind in a semi-anonymous form. Yeah. And only communicate. Helen, can you please tell Karen that I didn't like it when she labelled me as meophobic? Moving on to the next question, are there any compliments you would like to give us? Bravery for taking on such a project. Karen is the best detective, Karen.

Oh my God, Karen. I cannot believe this. So embarrassing. Next response. We're quite good. we nailed that final ambush. Even though Karen's weird old phone that attaches to a new phone prop didn't work,

I would like to put it in writing that I support Karen and allow her to purchase any unnecessary props she wants without obtaining my approval moving forward. This is not okay how we're communicating, Lauren. I don't. This should never happen again. It makes me feel very uncomfortable. This is a compliment. This is nice. Can I just say, and this is me, Helen speaking,

that I think you are both incredible detectives and are doing so well. I miss being on the podcast. Hang on, and I miss you. And Karen, this is a compliment for you specifically. I really like it, how you fold my pajamas and place them nicely on the bed. That is so embarrassing, Lauren. This has got really meta and really weird. Lauren, I feel like I want to grab you by the lapels and give you a dressing down about this behaviour because it doesn't suit you. I had to use the opportunity when I was following this out to make Helen say something that was quite exposing. and I think the pyjamas, the way that both of your pyjamas get folded on your bed when I go over and look in your room, is just really sweet. I don't ever fold pyjamas. We don't fold pajamas. It's really sweet. They're sort of put under the pillow, aren't they?

They're folded. They're folded, trust me. Arranged in a way. Trust me when I say they're folded. What are you doing creeping under our pillows? What the hell? Like, I haven't invited you into our bedroom to look under our pillows. Like, what the hell? I've seen it before quite a few times. swiftly on. If a real crime is committed against you, who would you prefer to handle it? The real police or two unqualified detectives? 60% won the real police and 40% one you. I'm concluding from this. So that's basically two people have said the unqualified detectives. I think that's basically you and Lauren. Yeah, we're the only ones that voted for ourselves. Okay, so Helen, you've got to kind of use an estimation here, having gone through everything here.

what is the customer satisfaction rate as a percentage, please? It's 100% extremely satisfied. That's what it says. You're a bit off cue here with your like percentages, I think. Yeah. It's funny because I was looking back at the survey and you said, how satisfied are people? And literally the question is how satisfied were you with the services?

And it was 100%. Like what else am I supposed to do? Other than read the data? Well, don't you think there's other factors that we've kind of crossed here? I think you've been slapped enough by the Willy Wonka experience feedback. So. Okay, great, 100%. The customer satisfaction rate, as in SurveyMonkey, is literally 100%. So I don't know why it means it difficult.

Customer satisfaction 100%. Moving on to listener satisfaction. So overall, I'm looking at the reviews here. These are all the comments that came in on Spotify. The first thing I will say is that mayonnaise madness takes up 99% of the airtime in terms of the comments. so people had a lot to say about mayonnaise madness. It's a great gag. Great gag and great that you solved it.

So we've actually been flooded with some nice compliments, Lauren. Oh. So Emily said, any time I hear Strap the Bitch Up music, I get excited. I do, hey. And then we got someone called Gordana Kovachich. Gordana said, as someone who's proudly meophobic, making my own mayo, sounds like my worst nightmare. But that's kind of a supportive thing.

so she was supporting our way of torturing Billy. Eden says, my sympathies, Lauren. Mayo is disgusting and a matter of life or death. Hate crime. Bit of support on your hate crime there. Tam said, the laugh that escaped me when the mini mayonnaise came out, ha ha ha ha, ha, the little thwap, thwap, thwap sounds.

Laughing face, laughing face, laughing face. He deserved it. That's Tobin. In relation to May throwing sashos at Tobin's head. Yeah, so she really hit him in the head with lots of miniature sachets. And it did make a really satisfying sound. Una Alexander wants to let you know, Lauren,

oh, M-G, we have the same birthday. So you've got birthday twin here. Oh. With Una. And then Wynne said, what an incredibly beautiful episode. Also love, thank you for completing the banana. So there was beauty in that episode

because friendship was the motive, Helen, and that's what we realised that Billy just wanted to be friends with Lauren, and that was the way he went about it. Yeah. And we're friends now. It was not as creepy as wanting to fatten you up like a suckling pig. It wasn't there in the end.

No. It was very close to being, but it was really close to being. Dan Moe said, I love how I got a Hellman's ad during this podcast. That is so good. Wow. Which is amazing. And Sidney John Baptiste said, this was such a thrill.

So overall, some pretty positive feedback on mayonnaise madness. Yep. Pack yourselves on the back. Complaints. on mayonnaise madness. Avatar Anya said that confession has to be partly bullshit. He's protecting others, I feel it.

And as we know, people fake confess to crimes all the time. In brackets, definitely have binge listening, and now I'm paranoid who I've become. But that's a compliment. It says that you're influencing the way she's thinking and it's not a good thing. I think that's what she said. We're changing her behaviour.

I like that. That's a compliment. Well, I mean, the confession has to be bullshit. so that's kind of not the most positive. So we have to reopen the case. She's telling us to reopen the case. Now, Helen, I'm afraid rock and roll nobody wanted to accuse you of being the perpetrator in mayonnaise madness.

They said, Helen, Helen isn't on the podcast anymore, so she wants all the attention and would know Lauren well enough to know her meophobia and her address details. It's a fair challenge, but no. I don't think I knew that you really didn't like mayonnaise that much, to be honest. so. No.

I've never seen you eat fries. Because usually you'd have fries with mayo, right, in Amsterdam? Yeah, didn't you have that at your wedding? That's what hen kate in the bathroom. That's true. I did eat that at your wedding, but maybe you didn't notice me. Now we are moving on to Who Shat Under the Silver Service Closh. Positive feedback.

Cat Skow Will says one of your best pieces of detective work. It's a filthy, filthy thing to have done. It is. It really is. I mean, to do it to, like, friends as well. It's like you could maybe see somebody doing it to an absolute stranger for the entertainment, but doing it to your actual mates. It's like, what the fuck?

Yeah. Mind you, that happened to us as well. What? I was going to say that happened to us, right? Somebody's shut in our, I just realized that actually the civil service cloth is the same as when somebody shut at our wedding. It's the same thing. A friend did it.

Like, what the fuck? Yeah. He's still not over it. I was getting triggered. We've moved on, Helen. Karen and I've moved on to different crimes. So you just need to drop the shit on the floor just because you were in that season. and it's not relevant anymore.

Actually doing this podcast is quite cathartic, or you can join us again. That's a good way of healing. It's intern. Yeah. Yeah, you've gone down to intern if you join us again. You've been out of the industry for too long. Yeah, exactly.

You've lost skills. Savages. About who shat under the Silver Service Clash, we've got Jay Fender 5, and they say, the lady does protest too much. Rob did it, case 100% sold, and you all got a whole osteologist involved,

who was hilarious in it, interview, listener satisfaction, 20 out of 10. Wow. There you go. I love that he was like, you've got a whole osteologist on board. Yeah, not part of one. Rather than a third of one. Yes, actually, we've just got the arm.

Dr. George Ives, can we just have a just tiny little moment to just say, we love you, Dr. George Ives. She was incredible. And she didn't know that it was even a fecal crime topic. She knew nothing when she agreed to come onto the recording. And she just embraced it completely. She was phenomenal. She didn't even know how silly it was going to be

when she got on the call, is that what we're seeing? No. She probably knew it was going to be a bit silly because she would have had previous comms with Karen, but she knew nothing about the case. She didn't skip a beat and just went right in there. Just went right into it. Do you know the sweetest thing about her

is we asked her, we assumed that all forensic osteologists, their favourite holiday of the year was Halloween when all the skeletons come out? She went, oh, no, no, no, no. Like, absolutely the opposite because she sees all these, like, children wearing these onesies with inaccurate skeletons. And she gets really triggered.

And she was like, well, it just doesn't make sense. That hip bone doesn't go. And she just can't stop seeing all the issues with the inaccurate skeletons. She's amazing. So she's like, there's not 206 bones in that? Yeah, exactly. This one's for you, Lauren, a bit of a complaint to you. Oh, which I did actually flag to you, but you ignored it anyway.

Kristen Rubish says, as a US listener, did not understand chili bin to be a cooler. I was picturing a large container for chili and I did say that no one would understand your New Zealand term for a cooler. No, even an Eski, the Australian one, I mean people can work that out but a chili bin. Yeah, I think just take that on board. How about my advice? What was the name of that person? Kristen Rubish. Hey Kristen Rubish. There is actually a moment in the edit where I specify that chili bin is what we call coolers in New Zealand.

Maybe you missed that part. Maybe you weren't concentrating. maybe you want to actually listen to the episode next time. You are lashing out. You were lashing out at me. Yeah, I shouldn't lash out at listeners. Yeah, you're practically hysterical. I mean, like, let's take it down a notch. Yeah, I am.

I'm freaking out right now. I need to take a beat. Lauren, apologise right now to Kristen Rubish. Sorry, Kristen. A bit more heartfelt than that. Say a sentence. Kristen, I'm actually genuinely sorry. Thank you so much for listening.

And I'll take that on. Next time, I'll repeat myself three times so that it's clear that I mean, um, Chili Bin, Bin, is cooler. Do you know what I love? Your accent always comes into the complaints or the positive things. Like, it's never untouched. Yeah, I'm like, yeah, over it.

I can't change who I am, Kristen. Give the listeners what they want. Can you just say gecko? I hate when you make me do. I hate it. Please do it for the listeners. I'm not performing for you, Karen, and Kristen. You are a performing monkey.

You're a podcaster. That's what we are. Okay. I like to keep my gecko in the chili bin. Fuck this, honestly. Let's end this call. I know, we're nearly there. Let's end this.

Let's end it early. I'm storming out. What's the next one? Willy Wonka, positive feedback. There's only one positive feedback, which I think says it all compared to the others. I think about the Willy Wonka scam on a regular basis. This is Jay Torres 6111.

So glad you're investigating such a fascinating case. Thank you, Jay Torres. Oh no, but they've not heard part two yet when they wrote that before hearing part two. I don't like that. And we were getting quite a few comments on Spotify, but everyone, all the listeners went silent when we put part one out. And I was like refreshing the Spotify creators tab. No comments were coming in.

So I think there's a lot of stuff that's being held back. We haven't got so many complaints about Willie Wonka yet. That's what I'm saying. I think people are holding back. Because part two has not been published yet at the time of this recording. So part two is going to be where the complaints come in. So that's great because we don't have to. This is what you ask for creative accounting.

That's what we're doing here. Oh, that's amazing. So we're going to get to Q3 quarterly crime review and we're going to review the cases for next quarter and we don't have to touch on part two of Wolli Wonka. Exactly. That slip through the net in between. That is creative accounting.

But we cannot escape the way that we actually calculate this percentage is we've gone through the feedback here. But if you do want to help us calculate the real listener satisfaction score, please go to our Instagram. We're going to put a poll on there for the Q2 listener satisfaction survey or feel free to DM us to tell us what you want, more of or less of, or if you just want us to stop altogether. Fabulous.

Well, that concludes our Q2 quarterly crime review. Actually, it doesn't. I've got one more thing to say. Helen, Karen and I are starting an only fan's goosebumps channel. Oh, I hope you're not. And we're going to do goosebumps content, pilo erections. Any thoughts? Where are you going to get them from?

Our selves, our own bodies, our arms. And our listeners, because we've asked them to submit their goosebumps to us. We're going to farming out other people's pilo erections and selling them online. Yeah. I mean, why not? We're goosebumps, pimps. Is they okay with you? Are you fine with it?

As long as it doesn't go beyond that scope, yes. Okay. Would you be happy for me to sell my pilo erection online? Can I leave now? Summary and next steps. So to summarise the Q2 quarterly crime review, as quickly as we can, so we'll shut this down,

is case-solving rate, Helen. 35% for this quarter. 35%. Customer satisfaction is... Actually, it was 100%. 100%. And listeners satisfaction, we will find out on our Instagram poll,

which will be live today. Actions next steps. I think we have clear next step to set up our part. Goose bump, only fans. Lauren needs to be less of a little bitch and stand up to you when necessary. Yep. And be less passive-aggressive with the survey monkey.

Like, guys, we're not having that again next time. Okay, sorry. And I'm going to take this offline about when you said you've put in a lot of boundaries about being with me. Yeah, maybe you should have a session with Persia. Helen, and I'm going to come downstairs to the kitchen where you are

and we're going to have a little chat about this. Yeah, you two have a little chat. I'm getting outside and I'm going to trim my bushes, so have a good rest of your weekend. Thank you all for listening. Thanks everyone for listening. Goodbye. Bye.

Meeting adjourned. Thank you for attending our Q2 quarterly crime review. If you feel corporately moved by this review and would like to submit feedback to us, please do so. Thank you for your attendance. Goodbye.