Who Shat On The Floor At My Wedding? And Other Crimes - S3 E31 Dance Floor Dropper - Part One

Episode Date: July 1, 2026

An iconic nightclub in the North of England has become a crime scene.Someone shat in the middle of the dancefloor. Multiple times. How the hell did they do it without being seen? And more importantly... why?We expected witnesses. We hoped for suspects. What we didn't expect (this early) was a confession.Support us on Patreon http://patreon.com/whoshatontheflooratmyweddingGo to our Instagram @whoshatontheflooratmywedding to vote on our pollSound design by @avaud.ioSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

911, what's your emergency? Um, there's a shit on the dance floor. Oh, you've got the wrong department, ma'am. This is the police. We deal with real crimes. Hang on, I'll transfer you to someone who can help. Karen. Okay, I've got it.

Keep the phone. Karen, pick up the phone. Now. Give me one second. Just finishing my biscuit. Honestly, Karen. Hi there, it's assistant to the detective, Karen Whitehouse, here. How can I help?

Hi, I'm just ringing to report. a crime. I'm currently in a nightclub and someone's done a six-inch turd on the floor. Oh, okay. I'm going to have to patch you through to the lead detective for this kind of case. Hold the line. Alright, here we go. This is Detective Lauren Kelby speaking. How may I help you? Legends are not built overnight. They're built through decades of sticky floors, spilled drinks, strangers becoming friends at two in the morning.

Through nights out, you will know. never forget. Halifax, West Yorkshire, not the most glamorous postcode in England, but there, on Waterhouse Street, stands something that no other town, no other city, no other corner of that nation can claim. The oldest nightclub in Britain. The Acapulco, also known as the Aka. First of all, you queue for a good half an hour in the rain, because it's good old Britain in it. And you go in, you're just greeted with the stench of staleo. Best way to describe it is probably the Disneyland of Halifax.

If you remember what nightclubs are you to look like in the 1980s, but we've not changed it. It's loud, it's fun. The atmosphere is really great. Music, strobe lights. So you come here, forget all your worries behind you. And it's all about just having fun, partying. People are coming here? Are you going to Acker?

Yeah, yeah, we're going to Acker, you know. And people don't see each other unless they're going to the Ack. For some reason, it's just got something magic about it. He's different to other nightclubs. That's all I can explain. It's like a family, and it's all very much regulars. There used to be an old man in there all the time called Gordon, but he sadly passed away. But he'd been going in there since my mum was a kid going in there.

Once you've been two or three times, you feel like you're part of a family. The Acapulco carpet had not been changed for nearly 30 years, and you used to lose shoes in there. You'd walk off and your shoe would be wherever you started. The music, anything from the 80s, right up to the present. present-day stuff. It's just a party place, like Disney. 75 pence drinks before 11pm. Not something that's going to rip you off. It's a decent price. The people are nice, the decent. I want you've been two or three times. You're kind of hooked because the vibe.

It's almost electric. We throw balloons out. We throw t-shirts out. There's prizes. There's games to do. This is a totally different vibe. This nightclub has been open since 1961. But it's been going for 60-odd years, so. We're doing something right. The yaka doesn't promise sophistication. It doesn't promise glamour. It promises a good time. And for over six decades, it kept that promise.

Until one night. One person. One act, so outrageous, so inexplicable, so, so deeply wrong, that it would shake this institution to its own. It's very core. Well, I still have nightmares about the whole time. It was just after I first started working here.

There was quite a few of us, about seven or eight of us on the dance floor, like from my group, as well as lots of other people. I was stood by one of the bars, and then suddenly I saw screaming on the dance floor. I didn't particularly hear it over the music, but we were screaming on the dance floor. A lot of people just started exiting the dance floor. People trying to disperse from the area. Then the DJ said something over the microphone. I can't remember.

what the DJ said, but it was absolute panic. The club was very busy. People were banging into each other. It was panic. The moment that my friend sort of noticed and shouted, everybody looked and just moved away. We realised somebody done a dump on the dance floor. And a friend of mine says,

oh, someone's crapped on dance floor. I was like, someone's obviously not shit on the dance floor. Somebody had taken the shit on the dance floor. the dance floor. No way. I'm thinking, you're lying on to it? Surely not.

How? How? He's like, no, they have. It's everywhere. And I've run downstairs to come and have a look. She's the one that noticed a massive, massive turd. Just one, big turd on the dance floor. And shouted at the top of the lungs.

Who has done this? Who has done this? It were there. Right in the middle. How the hell did someone shit in the middle of a busy dance floor without being noticed. The thing unfolded to absolute chaos. And everybody panicking and moving around very, very quickly. There was a lot of pushing and shoving. Banging into each other, it was just

sheer panic and it was horrendous. It were a mess. It was very, very scary. Such a calculated attack. We contacted the police to see if they could do anything about it because we expected we would find them. It was horrible. In the big question, I'd know why anybody would want to do that. And what a crazy thing to do. Why? You could do many things, but that's a wild one in it. This is the case of the dance floor dropper, Pat Wan. It's quite a long story, but let's begin.

Okay, so Lauren, this is the official kickoff of our brand new biggest case yet. The dance floor dropper. The case of the dance floor dropper. I'm sorry, I'm going to start this case off with the wrong energy, but it's my real feelings. Oh, no. I know and I just think it's good to be transparent with how I'm feeling. Sometimes when we kick off these cases, you kind of lean back and you're expecting me to sort of present all of the facts about the case and the timeline and having done all the grant work. It's changing. This case, it's going to be different and you're going to have to actually join forces with me to do some work at the beginning to establish the facts of the case. And that's going to be our first challenge. I'm just going to say that because you're not used to it. I am used to it. You're going to have to pull up your sleeves. It's not just waltzing in being bad cop when I need it. I guess it's me sharpening you up, sharpening you up, getting you ready. Yeah, but also like, it's your job

as producer. So you just want me to go rogue without you giving me any guidance and just chatting with witnesses? I always give you guys. We talk about them and then I give you guidance. And then you freak out and you complain and it's just the same shit over and over again. Well, this is why we're doing this call early on before I've got the facts of the case, okay? So then you can be involved. How about that? Oh, I can't wait. Karen, I'd love to be involved.

I'd love to help. Welcome to the party. Great. This case was reported into us by a fan ages ago, and it sat in our Instagram DM inbox. You didn't notice it. I didn't notice it until I was just randomly scrolling through. And I saw this note. I went, how the hell did we let this one slip through the net?

So we got this note in our DM saying, Hey guys, congratulations on your triumph of a podcast. I live in Hebden Bridge in West Yorkshire and was talking to a friend about who's shut on the floor on my wedding. And she said that there used to be a club in Halifax where someone used to shit on the dance floor every week. This is a serial shit. shitter we're talking about.

He did apparently make a video in a balaclava admitting to it, but no one knows his identity. Please come and investigate. And then she went, there's a turda on the dance floor. It's turder on the dance floor. But you better not kill the group. Hey, hey, hey, hey, it's turder on the dance floor. But you better not steal the moves. DJ going to burn this goddamn house right down.

on the dance floor. So that's how it came into me and I was like, what? So then she sent me this YouTube link, which is where it gets really fucking interesting. I'm going to send that to you now. And I need you to go to 1404, the time code. Introducing lead number one, the YouTube documentary. It's a documentary about the Acapulco club

done by some blogger, some YouTube blogger. And he does a very small segment in this video. about the Phantom Shitter. The blogger, a man called Marco, who is a local from Halifax, starts interviewing people in the street about the legend of the Phantom Shitter. This is a clip from his video. So have you heard about any Phantom Shittery? Maybe he's got underground.

Any of it? He's in Ireland. So Marco, this documentary maker, started doing these street interviews and at around a similar time, he posted on a local Halifax Facebook group with loads of people on it, just to see if anyone had, any more stories about the Acapulco nightclub

that he can include in his documentary. When, this is 100% genuine, out of the blue, he gets this text message. But the mood changed later that night when I received a strange text message during my evening Doomscroll session. I've heard you've been looking for me. I heard you've been looking for me.

Who the fuck was this? And he said, I am the dance floor dropper. Meet me at dusk at the abandoned brickworks And so in that video you see him going to meet up And that it's all genuine, that's not staged Like he genuinely met up with this nutter That desperately wanted to confess

After mentally preparing myself the next day I headed to the abandoned brickworks In search of the phantom shitter And you see this self-professed phantom shitter in the video, wearing a balaclava looking really fucking dodgy and just proudly claiming that he is the phantom shitter. So I heard about your little documentary you're making. I want people to know the truth.

Oh my God, that is really sinister. I think you all know who I am. I'm that person that everyone knows, but they don't really know. There's been tales as old as time. Robin Hood. Guy Fawkes. People that are put on a pedestal. I've always wanted to be that.

I want it to be a legend in his own right. I'm the final shitter. I'm a dance floor dropper. I'm the dance floor dropper. I'm the brown bandit. I'm the brown bandit. Like a polka. It's the pinnacle of the Halifax Nightlife thing.

Doing something as dangerous as what I do in a place like that. Oh my god. There's no big a thrill. I know. And how many times you've dropped a load in that purple cup? I'm only cup to tear you have. This is incredible. I'm on the edge of my seat.

I know. It's mad. I've recently been diagnosed that show. About obsessive, compulsive, pooing disorder. Statistically, it affects one in 100. No, he doesn't have that disorder. Is that real, that disorder? When he asks might be very about that.

Obsessive, compulsive, pooing disorder or something. Is that what he actually says? Yeah. I've just been diagnosed with it. It affects one and a hundred. People chase adrenaline. People jump high planes. People bungee junk running ultra-marathons.

But they'll never know the thrill. No one knows what he came from. No one knows who did it. But I didn't. Oh, I don't like this. And that's what I'm in it for. Oh, my God. People know me for the phantom shit of the acobot.

He's bigger than that. There's bigger fish in the friar. Peacehole. Offbridge line you said, no. Charlie Fast Tracks You know, no. I've done it. Oh, I don't like it.

I feel like I'm getting hunted sometimes by the media, but they'll never catch me. I'm fan of shit on. I can't be caught. I don't like it. No, I know.

First time, I think it was the summer of 09. I'll get career. Sometimes I'll go for a full, a full slap-up curry, you know, Popadom's Pickle Trow, some oarsers. get it in there.

Indians a good one because you know that it's going to come out fast. It's coming out fast and strong. All into the establishment, I'll have a, maybe have a cigarette or two. It helps, you know, helps get things moving sometimes. The right time usually would be a hands-in-the-air type song, you know. I always like to time it with the drop. And I feel like that's when you get the biggest thrill. Go to type of shoelace, up the squat.

How it flies, stood back up, and I'm off. Oh my God. Yeah, so that's what we're dealing with. Right, okay. Do you reckon this is real? Do you truly believe this is not staged? I believe this is a genuine person that wanted to do this. I've got more on this.

Yeah, okay. It's genuine. But whether the confession is genuine or not is the question. I've just got a message from the owner, Simon, because I didn't know the timeline of when this happened and that's the most important thing we need to cover right now and he's just responded with this. It was around 10 years ago.

It went on for approximately six months. Not every week, just now and then, mainly on nights where we were hitting our capacity. Police were informed after the second time it happened and again when we got it down to two or three people. And what does that mean? At the time it caused panic and pushing each time. time. When police were told that we wanted him arresting, they refused. Now it sounds funny about

the time we were very worried that someone could get hurt with the panic it caused. So this is an old crime and what I find interesting is the person in that video didn't look that old. Although I guess the people that would be going to this club could be like quite likely to be 18. So does that guy look like he's 28? When was that video released two years ago? So two years ago. Yeah, so 2023. Wow. Great. Another old crime. We need to find out when Simon took over the club because it could be something against the owners. Yeah. It's the first thing if it was 10 years ago.

I think Simon was working here at that time. And then there's other motives which is, I've looked online, it does have a reputation for the bouncer being really, really brutal. People say like the bouncer literally have pushed people down the stairs. So it could be a disgruntled person or a group of friends. where they felt they had really unfair treatment from the bounces and they wanted to lash out and take their revenge. I think that sounds highly likely.

It depends if we're looking at the motive from the guy in this video, right? If he is actually the phantom shitter, which he calls himself, the dance floor dropper, he is saying his motive is that he likes the thrill and he has obsessive-compulsive pooing disorder that affects one in a hundred. I think I need to probably get off this call in five minutes and send this video to Mike so he can listen to it before the call. Yeah. He's going to absolutely lose his mind over this.

This is a forensic psychologist's dream. The other major thing, he said that we can help to verify if this is a false confession, is that he confessed to shitting in Peace Hall, Northbridge Leisure Centre, and something called Charlie Fastracks. Exactly. So we need to verify if those places were genuinely affected,

I guess at a similar time frame in the last 10 years. Because he said, you name it, I've done it. So he's confessed to shitting. other places. Yeah. Oh my God. This is insane. It's really complicated this case. This is why I keep saying it's our biggest case yet, because it is really complicated. Because he doesn't want to be found. He said media's tried to catch me. Well, but they will never catch me because I am the... Let me continue the story. Oh. So, okay, so our friend, let's call her the assistant to the assistant detective. Yeah. This person who reported into us, she's been super helpful. A little too helpful initially.

She sent another bit of evidence. Introducing lead number two, the Reddit post from 2013, written by someone with the username, Pornless Endgame. My days in the Acker are long since over. My 19-year-old sister came home a few months back with a picture of the bar staff having to clean a shit off of the dance floor. Apparently it happened fairly frequently, and that time was the second week in a row it had happened. The suspected someone was shitting in a bag, then ditching it. as they never caught anyone taking a shit. Oh, interesting, because this guy said that he waited for hands to go up in the air for a song,

and then he bent down and tied his shows and then chat. And that was posted on the 1st of September 2013. Karen starts telling me about the moment when this helpful local, who sent us all these leads, started to become a little bit too helpful. Right, so then this is when it went a bit nuts. She put a post on, I think it was Facebook. book, she said, do you have a story about the phantom shitter at the Acker in Halifax? The creators of popular podcasts who shat on the floor at my wedding are hoping to investigate

this long-sounding mystery and discover the identity of the phantom shitter once for all. They need witnesses and your stories to interview and build an investigation and a podcast. Please let us know your experiences in the comments. And I approved that. It went out. And man, okay, so we've got people going, oh my gosh, 14 years ago, took the friend to the Acker for a birthday night out. We were dancing at the edge of the dance flound.

Slowly people seem to move away from the certain area. There was a monster poo there in the middle of the danceful. We never found out who the phantom crap was, but we still talk about this night now. So we've got one key witness, Gemmalu is her name. Wow. Okay. And that was 14 years ago. So it's all syncing up with a timeline.

And then we've got someone else called James Halliday that responded to that post going, I once saw a python shit on the dancer of the Acapulco. It was a live prop for some hired dancers and it laid a full log. What? A python? come back to snakes. Someone dressed as a python. So we've got a python as a suspect as well.

Someone dressed as a python? No. This is how nuts this place is. It's really unhinged. It had a real python. Oh, and the Python chat. The Python chat. How big is the shit of a Python?

Does snakes shit? That's one to Google later on incognito mode. We're going to need a snake expert. Someone else then said it happened at JD Jim. too. Was that one on the list from the video? No. I can't wait to go to Hellfx. It looks so fucking alarming. It is so alarming.

It looks so fun. Also had a message from a man claiming to know the whole story which would be enough to create a two-part documentary with a spin-off, but he won't tell me more until there's a monetary offer on the table. From us? We're not offering any monetary offers. What the fuck? I don't want to speak to someone that requires money.

They should want justice. Justice is the payment. I just love that someone else is telling us that someone has a monetary expectation from us. I know. The guy who made that original film has been commenting as well. So I do think we should speak to him

because he met the Phantom Shitter. Also, the Phantom Shitter looks like he has a ginger moustache. He's ginger in that video. He's not. The little tufts of moustache and the little goate that pops up when he's not speaking is ginger.

I didn't see that as ginger. When he's in the dark, in the darkness, it looks ginger. Takes one to no one, Karen. Marco Rinder is the guy who made the documentary and he sent a picture of the phantom shitter wearing a balaclava.

If you would like to feast your eyes on this man in a balaclava, head to our Instagram page at WhoShat on the floor at my wedding? To you? On the Facebook comments, he posted a picture to remind us of the balaclava guy and he said,

I can connect you to the man himself. Oh. Our assistant said, yes, please do. He's the man who claims to be the disco dropper in your film. Is it really him? And then this is where,

it got a bit out of control. Yeah, you had to tell her to calm down, didn't you? Yeah, so she was getting really thrilled with it. She got the number. We've got the number of the phantom shitter, the supposed phantom shitter. So she said, thank you so much. Have you told this phantom shitter to expect a message?

Would he mind you passing on his number? Any social norms apply to the Brown Bandit, question mark? How did you get in touch with them in the first place? I'm sure the podcasters want to speak to you. Can I put you in touch? Oh, wow. So I was like, wow, you're the absolutely best. He's got the number.

That's incredible. Then, oh my God. I can't believe we've got the number of the guy in that video. Okay, so this is where it goes wrong. So she went... What? She got carried away and she went, in other news, I have made contact with the phantom shitter,

and this is the message she sent. Hi, I have been passed on your number from Marco Randolphic. I believe you are the masked disco dropper in his film. Is it really true that you are the phantom shitter from the ACA? Oh, my God. I know. Would you be willing to speak to the podcasters from who? who shout on the floor at my wedding,

they want to investigate your case if it was really you. Can you provide proof, any proof it was you? Then he responded, there's loads of responses. He's responded. Yeah, let me share my screen because it's just... Oh, I know. So we've got a bit of a problem here.

This is not how I wanted it to go. So he responded, yes, you're correct. You're speaking to the phantom shitter, potentially, yeah, what do they need from me? Is this enough proof? Yeah, he's wearing that same jacket. It's proof, it's you in the video. How do we know you're the other?

really the serial shitter. I think they all want to interview. They might be coming to Yorkshire in the news year to investigate. Well, you'll have to find out for yourself. I'll drop one outside the shoulder of a mutton before dusk. What? What mutton? Yeah, I could be interested as long as I have some notice that I can make it work. So this is why we're speaking to Mike Berry because we need to reach out to him ASAP to make sure he's available to speak to. I'll pass on your number and I'm sure they'll be in touch. He was like right outside the front door. He was saying, I'm going to go and shit to prove it's me outside the front door. Of what?

I don't know. I guess the Acapulco. So she's given away way too much, unfortunately, because she said they might even have a cheap lie detector. Oh, this is what happens when you expand your team? You relinquish control. She said, how long did the spree go on for? Did it ever end? And he said, I've calmed down a bit, now I'm a dad, but I do plop up from time to time.

Peace hall at Christmas markets, better watch out. Peace hall again. And he said, no gyms, no places of work. and no discount stores. What other rules do you have? This is one of the most surreal conversations I've ever had. He said lots of fibre pre-drop and always carry spare set of boxes and wet wipes everywhere. It's never an accident.

It's always a calculated well-thought-out drop. Holy shit. This guy is committing. And I said, then I saw it and I actually sent all these messages and went, oh God, I think it might be best not to respond anymore until we've investigated in a recording. What the main thing is, good news is we've got his bloody number, which is a massive thing. We can get in contact with him. got to do it in the right way. So we really need Mike Berry. This is roll out the red carpet.

It's the moment he's been waiting for. So I called him today. Oh, hi, Mike. It's Karen from the podcast. It's one of those calls where you go, oh God, they want something from me, which is true. I just thought, well, you might want to not have anything to do with us still. So before I launch into what it is, do you want us to leave you alone or do you want to engage with these weird women again? I just find you got hilarious. I didn't take you serious. I didn't take you serious. see, I just think whatever it is you've got me to do, it'll be silly, stupid, and ruin my career, which is now finished anyway, so it doesn't matter. As we like to say, the sweet spot for us.

Good news, he is 100% in. We've also got the detective on board, and I know this is a bit of a soul point. I'm not saying that you're not great. I think you're great. I think you're really good at what you do. I just think that we've got five days to crack this case, and that's quite a high-pressure short time frame. We are extending our 24-hour speed-solving

to be on the ground in Halifax for five days. This is our biggest case yet. We need to do this justice and do it properly and also protect ourselves and not engage a nutter in the wrong way. So I have, with Joe Millington's help, got a professional detective that's going to give us some guidance about how to go about this. I'm okay with it.

I just don't know how the dynamic is going to be, especially when you add Mike Berry into the mix. Who's he reporting to it? We actually genuinely need. We need to map out the hierarchy. I need to know who is at the top and who is at the bottom. You're not at the top, I think, is what I'm telling you. On this case, you're not at the top.

And also, our whole org chart is changing because you're no longer at the top of this pyramid. We've got the real detective. The real detective is top. Then it's you. Very close, kind of equal, but very close to you as me. Then I've got, this time round, I'm a boss of someone, because I've got an assistant, the assistant detective.

And then we've got Mike Berry, who's just an external consultant. I think he reports into me. Because I'd like to have that chat with him and just say, it's fine with me. I've advanced. It's fine with me. Since I've advanced quite a lot, Mike, and I just want to lay out the hierarchy here for you,

you now report into me. Yeah, good luck with that. I actually think it'll be hilarious. to hear them there. Our main objective when we speak to Mike is that I've found a mobile proper lie detection unit that if he thinks there's the right moment, we can have them on standby in the club after Mike's interviewed him to see if he go on a proper lie detector test. Because we have to rule him out. He's saying he's confessing Mike's worked with loads of false confessions before, so he'll know how to psychologically work out if he's lying or not.

But what are you going to do? I don't know. We're just going to sit. around like in an awkward circle. Just be having cocktails in the corner of the club. We're definitely going to go clubbing undercover. But how, Kate, we know that music is a problem when... We're going on a clubbing holiday in north of England. So are we going to be miced up going to a club? Because that's the loudest place you can ever be.

Yeah, it's the worst sound environment ever. It couldn't be worse. Okay, so it's an extreme team. I'm terrified to meet this guy in like a non-public place. He looks terrifying. Yeah, no. That's why I was like genuinely, like, we're going to have security. What, like snipers?

Like actual security that he can say? Or hidden security? Well, I've had a quick chat with Mike Berry about this already when I asked him for this call today. And he was like, oh, no, it's fine. I was like, he's used to dealing with, like, mass murders. My view is, we have to do this in a public place because he is clearly a nutter.

This is the first time I felt genuinely that we're putting ourselves in a dangerous situation. And I think we need to do it at the club. with other employees there, with a bouncer that we pay to be there. We need security. So we can imagine we're going to have an interrogation with a criminal forensic psychologist, a real criminal forensic psychologist, with this dance floor dropper wearing a balaclava in the middle of the bloody Acapulco dance floor with a bouncer.

That's fucking insane. And what are we going to do? Just jazz hands in the background. Yeah, but I really want to have a crack at the sky as Beacop. Yeah. I really want to question him. This is genuinely, I'm quite thrilled. This is quite a massive case. I understand the scale of it now.

It's extreme. It's really extreme. But am I going to be able to do that? 100%. Or is it only going to be Mike Berry? I feel like we're like middle management now, which kind of... I'm upper to middle management and you're lower to middle management, middle to lower. Yeah.

Because you've got someone below you, but I've got someone above me. So we're like stuck in the middle not doing anything. This case is officially over. Open. Processing evidence files. Initiating lie detector machine. Suspect profile complete. Activating expert database. Professional experts at the ready. Contacting experts. Can we just start to reflect, Mike, on the journey of how far we've come over the last five years. From the moment, I gave you the first call about the shit on the floor at our wedding, which was quite a funny crime. So right now, I feel like we are about to take on our first serious fecal crime. Karen wants a compliment. Okay.

You're saying it's a crime rather than accidental? I think it's a crime, this one, yeah. It's a crime. Okay, I'll go with that. It's too repetitive. But the police didn't want to, the place didn't want to arrest anyone. So the police don't think it's a crime, but we do. But that's the sweet spot, really.

Well, it is technically a crime. It's anti-social behavior. Yeah. And there was something about people being scared and running out, so you're creating a panic situation. So yeah, technically it's crime. Yeah. But I think the police would get so much piss taken by the press and everything else. You know, there's more important things like murders and rapes and burglaries to worry about somebody crapping.

Oh, do you think the police are worried about their reputation? Yeah. Oh. I think they would think they've got better things to do. Yeah, right. Okay, well, we don't. And Lauren, this is exactly why we're here. This is exactly why we exist.

So, Mike, I want to go straight into this because I'm quite excited. I'm quite razzed up. We sent you a link to a YouTube video, which includes some footage and an interview with this so-called phantom shitter. I really want to know what you think. Why is he confessing? First question, is he doing for attention seeking? He talked about being all these different labels and things like that.

He wanted to be famous. But then why leave it? Why not develop into other areas so that it would become more famous? Why stick it to one club? Second thing, I wonder whether he was a copycat. He'd heard about it and he was either copying it or claiming the credit for it. You know, when in fact nothing to do with it. You know, this is the first thing.

So his attention seeking clearly, you know, But whether he's a copycat, whether he's faking his involvement because he wants the attention, maybe he's winding up the interviewer. Because why didn't he have his face? Why didn't he give information that would give him the credit, other than this vague title of the crapper, you know? What you normally find with forced confessions is it's usually teenagers. They get into a police station.

They're not used to the hard reality of being interviewed, and they often just cough. Our intention is to try and really do this one properly and try and apply some level of intelligence. That'll be a change. We want to try and do this one properly and learn from all of our mistakes over the last five years. We've already made a bit of a boo-boo. We're going to come clean.

Right. And we haven't even really started, but we've made a mistake. So the purpose of this call right now is we need your help about how to reach out to this phantom shitter from that video. We've got his number. Yeah.

And we need to reach out to him in the right way to obviously check his availability for an interview in January. We need to get him locked in so we can record with him. The problem is the way that we got his number, unfortunately, our new assistant got carried away without reporting back to us. And she got in touch with that documentary filmmaking and said, do you have the number of the phantom shitter? And he went, yes, gave it to her.

And unfortunately, she already reached out to him. Oh, no. I know. It's not good. I think we have to rule this out. It's your case, isn't it? It's your, it's got your names written all over it. Yeah, but it's also got your name on it as well. Yes, well, we'll discuss it later. It's got quite a few people's names on it. There's a big team now. We've got four people in the detective team. Karen's got an assistant, a replacement to Helen, and then I've got a boss that I report into.

And then you kind of like, you don't report into me, don't worry, but you are kind of like in your own little area because you are like the head of that area and also the assistant. So we're all a big team here. All of our names are on this case, Mike. It's a complex web of professionals. Fair enough. My suggestion, my gut feeling is what we should do is we should, and I don't know if this is legit, it's not legit, is to ambush him. Ideally, what would happen is we ambush him with a proper lie detector test, not tell him, just be like, okay, you're really keen to confess to this.

Here you go, we'll strap you up. And if he refuses to do that, then we've got our answer because we know he's going to come across as a liar. What do you think? Not keen on the ambushing at all. He might respond very negative to that. Plus there are slight ethical problems on that one. If you say, we would like to talk to you about it,

and by the way, we'd like to wire you up, emphasise we want to confirm your story type thing. I think he'll go for that. Are you saying we have to do everything above board? Yeah, I think you have to. I think there is a danger if you don't tell him what you're doing that he might complain because that gives him more attention. You know, he then takes you to court

and makes you complain against whatever the body is for the podcast, which I don't know, but presumably there is it. There isn't one. Definitely not. Oh, right. Oh, well, for nothing. It's the Wild West, Mike. It's the Wild West.

But I do appreciate that. I think being honest, make sense. What you've got to be very careful is is actually know how to use it properly. So you need to set it up physically. Then you need to ask questions where there is no problem like where do you live, how old are you are

bland questions and then start putting control questions. Yeah. I know how to work a lie to teach to test Mike. Come on mate. Not our first rodeo, Mike. All I know is that we've got a space in the actual club where we can meet

with this guy if he's available and then how do you think it goes down? Do you think Lauren and I start talking to him first and then wheel you in? Or do you think you're going to be there behind the office desk and go, hi, I'm Professor Mike Berry? No, I think you two do the interviewing most of the time. And I'd only come in at a later point. What would be more sensible is to send him out for a coffee or something. And then we can have a chat about things and how things are going so that I can say, right, well, why don't you go down that line?

or let's go down this pathway. I feel like you're going to be going undercover, Mike. We're going to plant you in the coffee room as my mad uncle again. As your uncle. Oh, Uncle Mike's back. I really like the idea of Mike being undercover. What if Mike is dressed as a janitor and he's kind of in the background. Maybe he's like cleaning some stuff and he's there.

He can hear what's going on. And maybe you introduce yourself like, hi, I'm the janitor, and then we reveal that actually this is the janitor who worked here for the last 20 years, so he is someone who has been responsible in the clean-up. He'd love to have a chat with you, and then it later transpires that he's not the janitor. He's in fact Professor Mike Berry. Again, you're not doing the legit honesty thing, are you? It's an ambush.

No, that's the problem. I also need to feel it's a bit harsh for Mike. You should be sweeping for an hour while we chat. No, he doesn't have to clean the whole time. for five minutes. I'm going to get paid, you know. I want to see you in a janitor outfit with a mop. What your fantasies that you keep to yourself, dear?

Oh, and there's another line crossed. I don't think I could keep that roll up for an hour. I think that would be hard to keep that roll up. Okay, uncle then. Uncle. Back to Uncle or dad. Yeah. Karen's daddy issues are back. Let's not get Professor Mike Barry

to act out your fantasies, Lauren. I'm feeling fired up, Mike. I'm feeling fired up. I'm nervous. No, I'm nervous, too. I'm excited and nervous. Oh. Okay, so after this call, today I'm going to send the message to this guy.

Do you agree that I have to lean into being really the comedy podcast? Hey, we're doing this comedy podcast investigation. Keep it quite light. We've seen this amazing video of you on the YouTube thing. It looked really fun. We would love to interview you. Would you be available at Blora? Yeah.

And then if he's got any sense, he'll check you out anyway, and then see that you've done, who's shouted at my wedding, that's going to follow on logically to interviewing him, just because you're into crapping. Amazing. Coprophilia, I mean, nobody else. Yeah, it could be a case of coprophilia, couldn't it? Yeah, I mean, nightclubs, all sorts of sordid things happen in nightclubs, so this is definitely an option. Oh, the old coprophilia.

He may actually be getting some sexual pleasure out of it. Oh, no. We're the victims of a coprophiliac. Oh, yeah, could be. Oh, I'm going to have to ask him there, aren't I? But in like a nice friendly way. Hey, does it feel nice to you and you poo? Do you like doing that sexually?

No, no. From what you do is he said, while you're cropping, do you have a hard on? And there's another line crossed. I'm not saying that. Just the thought of just the image of us being in a dodgy nightclub, the middle of the day on a Thursday with

Professor Mike Berry creeping in the corner pretending to be some janitor you asking some complete stranger wearing a balaclava if he gets a boner when he shits like this is... I am not asking a masked man if he gets a boner while he defecates Mike think about it this is not how I thought

this is not the path my parents would have chosen for me but you could imagine the impact that would have on your podcast. I'm going to ask it. Do you get a boner? Your notes for this case are so alarming. This is why we're fecal, niche detectives, because, you know, you really need to understand the breadth of the, yeah, motives. We can't shy away from this kind of stuff. No, we've got to be bold and brave. We need to get a bit more information about timing, place, and things like that. And then we need to look at its motives. is it just attention-seeking?

Is it a laugh, a dare or something? If he is the right guy, if you've got a story, if he isn't the right guy, you've disproved and he's attention-seeking, who's our culprit? How old do you think he looks in that video? Because it's really hard with the balaclava. Do you have a sense of what age you'd guess him to be?

I thought late 20s, early 30s. Yeah. I don't think he's much older than that. The earliest you'd be able to get into the club was at 17, right, to be able to drink. 17, yeah. There's a lot of comments that there's underage people in that club on Google reviews. I think it's like teenagers and early 20s is the main clientele. Yeah.

So that would sync with his look. It does sync with his look, yeah. He also looks like he's ginger, which isn't overly relevant, but it just means I'll have some more stuff to kind of like bond with him over. Bond with him over if he's ginger. Ginger cuts down the odds quite a lot, doesn't it? When was the last time you went clubbing? Oh, God, over 30, 40 years ago, probably.

The last time would be at a conference. Clabbing at a conference? Yeah, yeah, and you have a meal and then anybody gets up and dance. I can't wait to go on a clubbing holiday with you in Halifax. You know, one of our strategies for solving this case is we're going undercover clubbing one night to see what we can find out. Right.

Which is worrying, because we'll be the oldest people. in there. But do you know what, Karen? I saw another Google review that said, you can't really go wrong as long as you're under 30. And we will be both nearly 40. So we are going to stand out like sore thumbs. We're going to look like

idiots in there. People are going to give us so much shit. We're going to have to dress to fit in. You're going to have to wear a boob tube. I'm not wearing. They'll be like, her boobs are so saggy. She's clearly not under 30. No way. But maybe we can do the clubbing because the nightclub opens at 9.30.

p.m. Maybe we can just do clubbing from like 930 to 945 or something and not be there after 11. But yeah, but loose lips sink ships and I think loose lips come after 11. No, not when there's 75p drinks before 11. I think everyone's going to be hammered the whole time. So my next steps are I'm going to reach out to this phantom shitter. I'm going to be like all comedy, try and set up of meeting with him in person at the Acapulco nightclub on Thursday the 29th of January. I'm then going to see the people that have witnessed this firsthand. So there's a couple of other ones that I mentioned just to understand exactly the date and when it happened, the rough timing.

What it looked like? Was it mushed up already? Was it in a bag? We needed to work out what the logistics were. Did someone shit in a bag and then release it or did they literally drop their trousers? Because if we can work that out, then we really know that this guy is lying

because he completely confesses to saying that he dropped his trousers on the spot and hunkered down on his haunches to drop one out. I feel confident we're going to crack this one, Lauren. Yep. Right. I don't have that same confidence just yet. How are you doing, Mike? Hi, Ellen.

Are you well? Are you coming to Halifax or you've got more sense? She's got sense. I'm not. I've got a day job. I've got to work. She's quit. She quit the podcast.

We fired her and she quit at the exact same time. Right. You're stuck with them. It's fun working with you guys. I just enjoy it. It's so. silly, then I enjoy it. And as I said before, my reputation's ruined. Why bother now, you know? I've got nothing to worry about. I'm sure they can take you down further. I'm sure they can.

We're going to be going clubbing with Mike. Oh. Yeah. He just agreed to it. Love me speaking to, Ellen. Take care. Take care. Bye, Helen. Bye. Do you know our detective, by the way, Mike? Her name is Nora Holford. No, doesn't ring a bell. She spent 30 years in law enforcement, including 18 years and senior management roles for Thames Valley Police with 10 as Detective Superintendent, head of intelligence. Whoa.

She received the Lifetime Achievement Award from the President of the Police Superintendents Association for England and Wales. You don't get the superintendent very easily. It's only 600 in the country. You're talking of serious person. The next stage would be commander level. Oh, no, don't. Mike. I cannot wait. You're talking serious person here. It's not, you know, PC plot on the corner. Oh, I really don't. This is not going to be good. We've got quite a big job coming up, Lauren.

I need to process what's going to happen on this case. I haven't sat down and thought about it, but I just, there's too many real professionals in this team now, and it just stresses me out. I know, you haven't quite come to terms with the fact you've got a boss that really knows what she's doing. Yeah. Because I don't know how I'm going to perform in that kind of scenario.

Am I going to be like showing off? I don't know. I'm going to buckle under the pressure. That's the question. Fabulous. Thank you so much. much Mike. It's always so fun speaking to you. Thank you, Mike. Oh my God. This is really nerve-wracking. Okay, I'm going to message him now. What are you saying? I'm going to message the dance floor dropper.

Okay, so what do I say? Hi, my name is Karen. I'm an unqualified detective from a comedy podcast called Who Shout in the Float My Wedding? And we've stumbled across the legendary case of the Halifax Dance Flood dropper. I was sent your number from Marco and I've been told you are the masked brown bandit from his film. Would you be up for meeting us for a recorded interview in January when we come to Halifax in person? Would be great to meet you and hear how you pulled off this impressive act of defecation. I know he said with Mike Berry to do the comedy angle, but you are saying the word comedy like four times.

Is that too much? Okay, I'll take a few comedies up. Take one comedy out. Okay, shall I send it? Oh my God, should I send it? Yeah, send it, send it. It's gone. Contact has been made with the self-professed phantom shitter.

Coming up next, I'm genuinely terrified. Do we really want to do this? It's all about believing in yourself. I'm getting cold feet. It's so much in the mindset. Oh, I don't like this. Well, you're the boss. You're the boss, Nora.

I personally wouldn't accept that, but you're the boss. Your call. Is that sinister? I think that's sinister. What? He's responded.