Who Shat On The Floor At My Wedding? And Other Crimes - S3 E34 Dance Floor Dropper - Part Four

Episode Date: August 12, 2026

We finally know what the poopetrator looks like. But we don't know his name.There's only one way to lure in this big handed ginger man. And that is by launching Halifax's biggest hand competition…. any questions?Part Five drops August 27th.Support us on Patreon http://patreon.com/whoshatontheflooratmyweddingCheck out Instagram @whoshatontheflooratmywedding for case evidence and BTSSound design by @avaud.ioSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Previously, on the case of the dance floor dropper. Lo and behold, I got a whiff of something quite strong, and then all of a sudden, I'm face-to-face with a man in a balaclava. So I'm six-three, so I'm quite tall, but he was like six-six. Jesus! Did you change his voice in post? So I actually changed it in post at his request. So that's interesting for you guys, actually.

I could get you some actual audio of what he sounds like. It wasn't until the third time this has happened and we realised this is really deliberate. Somebody's sitting out there to do us damage. The police really wasn't interested. They thought it was more of a joke and anything else. It basically went into the toilets, did it, carried it through and just dropped it on the dance floor. What? We did actually catch him.

Oh my God, Simon. So you caught this person? Yeah. So this is now a manhunt. He was quite tall. I'd probably say maybe six full, six, six, six foot. seven. He would be just under six foot. He was ginger. Well, he were ginger. Are you a hundred percent certain they were ginger? Yes. He had huge hands. Massive hands. I've just got this text message,

Lauren, from a number I don't know, and it says, you don't know me and I want to stay anonymous. I saw the shitter that night at the Acapulco with my own eyes. I don't know his name, but I know what he looks like. I've got goosebumps and I found a photo of him. No. Here is a picture. No. Of the phantom shitter. That's apparently him. That's the man we're looking for. That's the guy that we need to track down. Oh my God. We have eyes on the phantom shitter. Well, we've got two potential phantom shitters, but... Okay, so the biggest hand competition needs to work. All hopes lie on the biggest hand competition. It needs to work. It's a very different fairy tale, this one. It's where fairy tales took a dark turn.

This is dance floor dropper, part four. We are staring at a photo, a photo of the potential perp. He is wearing sunglasses and smiling. He has a gingery tone in his hair. He could be tall, but it's hard to say. His arm and therefore his hand are suspended in the air because he's holding a takeaway cup and he's not alone

he's standing beside a woman and they're possibly at some kind of event but how did this informant get Karen's number is it reckless to trust a source we can't verify the answer is probably yes

so we need to flash this to our witnesses okay I'm going to share this image and I want to know immediately is this the man that you you caught shitting in the middle of the dance floor 12 years ago. He just dropped off. Great.

Awesome. That was quite dramatic. You flashed it up and then he dropped off the call. Quite a key moment in the investigation, ruined by internet. What do you want to talk about? I feel like I'm getting obsessed with Instagram now. I'm doing weird interactions with friends. I call them friends.

I need to get a lot. Freudian slip. Our followers are not your. friends Karen. You don't have 42,000 friends. Oh no, this is going in an episode somewhere. I know it is already. Oh, he's back. He's back.

I'm ready when you were. Three, two, one. And here is the image. It looks a little bit older, but yeah, that really does look like him. He has a similar look. I mean, it's a shame he's got sunglasses on. I mean, his hands, yeah,

it's his hands, I remember. But yeah, that does look like. Are you ready Simon? I'm ready. Okay, and I'm going to share this photo with you and I want to know is this the dance floor dropper? Dum-da-dam-dam. I think that's him. It does look somewhat familiar.

Going on the fact that the size of his hands and he looks familiar, I would say that's him. That you're not a hundred percent surgeon? Well, it's a few years ago. I would be top 90s. If I had to put some money on, I would bet it was him. How much money would you bet that? that that was him. Oh,

Fiverr? I'm from Yorkshire, you know. He can get a lot of drinks in the Acapulco for a fiver. That's a night out in Acapulco, is that? We can be pretty certain that we are looking at the perpetrator, but there are two things we still do not know. Number one, if he is the same guy from the documentary who's been ignoring Karen,

and number two, we don't know his name. But our solution to not knowing the name is the biggest hand competition. However, before we formally launch that, we need approval from someone very important. Good morning, boss. Good morning, boss. Bring in once again the boss.

Do you know how excited I am for this call? I haven't got this feeling since I've been at school and I just feel like I've done a really good bit of homework. And I love praise, just a little insight about me. My love language is praise and compliments. Okay. Not that I'm asking for that today, but I just feel like...

You're not? I just feel like we listened to what you... The advice you gave us. Oh, wow. We reflected on the fact that we really do tend to rush witness statements. We get quite bored. And also we're like, we've already heard that. Can you not repeat that?

Yeah. We got to the last one. I was like, oh, and I was a bit hungry, and I recreated the Bristol Stool Chart out of chocolate. Have you ever heard of the Bristol Stool Chart? Nope. This is a scientific form of assessing the categories of the consistency of fecal matter

and I've recreated it out of chocolate. Yeah. What consistency would you say it was? I only saw seven to five. It's not type one. Type one is really hard bullet Maltesey types. I'm getting flashbacks here. Is this too triggering for you?

Very triggering. Maybe a type four. Is it tricky one this? Can I have look at them shits again? You've actually put quite a bit of work into this, aren't you? Thanks so much. I thought it was well crafted. He wasn't a compliment.

He's saying that you spent a lot of your time on it. Yeah. And I started wanting to eat the chocolate. Bristol stall chart and I was like oh let's just get this over and done with so I can eat the chocolate quicker and I was like no remember what the boss said but then you still ate the chocolate in front of the witness let's just

be very clear about that I'm just going to eat one more Maltese because I'm hungry Lauren did this last time she ate my Bristol stall chart so I'm just getting my revenge yeah she ate one Malteseer I've got it on a video recording where she ate it in front of the witness and then chewed into the

microphone but boss I think that that's normal I think as a detective. You must have eaten lots of things whilst getting witness statements from people, right? It's just... You're like donuts and stuff. Yeah, do you eat donuts during a witness statements? I don't tend to be donuts. But yeah, occasionally you do end up doing that. It depends on the circumstances, really. Anyways, so, how did you get on? We got on very well. We got on well. Wow. The big, big news from the owner and the manager is they actually caught this person. Brown-handed. Oh, we didn't know that.

We didn't know that. They never got a name. They never got a motive. This happened in total between six to eight times. Oh, wow. Sorry, intelligence. It's actually five to eight times. The manager said it was five or six times in total.

And the owner said between six and eight. So just expand that to five to eight intelligence. Okay, thank you. Thank you for chipping it. Yeah. No, I really appreciate that. Thank you, Lauren. We're a team here.

So every detail counts. Exactly. Beauty's in the details. I think they suggested that he would have waited to watch the impact. on the dance floor. Yeah, that's normal. People who get a kick out of these weird things, they want to see the repercussions.

It's kind of like when someone commits murder and then they return to the scene of the crime. Is it like that? It's not so much with murders, but arsonists often do. It's really interesting with arson that, because obviously when they set the fire, it's a very small flame,

and it always takes time to take hold because that's the nature of fires. And they'll hang around and wait for the fire brigade to turn up and hopefully from their point of view I emphasise that they'll see this big conflagration that they then watch the fire brigade battle

and somehow they get a kick out of that I don't really understand that bit but when we used to get sent to fires that were suspected to be arson you would rigorously take details of all the people that were there watching because people do people will come and see that

and it's then about who appears every time what's the common denominator in all of this that must be so satisfying I can just imagine when you've got the red thread and you've found one person that's always been there. Have you actually solved a crime based on that method of finding the person? Yeah, yeah, it wasn't me, but it's my main team that figured out who it was. Oh my God, I've got chills.

I've got chills. I want that feeling on this case. I want that feeling, boss. We're chasing that buzz. We're chasing it. I mean, it is a huge buzz when all the pieces fall to place and you kind of go. Ah. We spoke to the documentary maker.

He's the one that spent the most time with the alleged show. shitter and he said this guy is so tall. He's six foot six, the guy that wore a balaclava and met him in an abandoned brickworks, near the outskirts of Halifax. He was towering over him. Every single person at the club when they caught this guy brown-handed, the real shitter, they said his hands were iconically massive. And the witness statements, one particularly, said he is a ginger. The man who's shat on the dance floor is a ginger. Right.

So we are now looking for a very tall ginger with massive hands. There can't be that many of those in Halifax, right? No. So that's what we need. We just need to track down a giant ginger with big hands. I mean, it does give you, you know, if this, the chap that did the documentary ever does meet with you, you've got a lot of key things there that you can straight away clock

and kind of go, yeah, tick, tick, tick or not. Oh, that's so exciting. But he'll probably if we do manage to get him he'll probably wear the balaclava, but I'll just be able to see the stubble up close. That's not going to disguise his hands though, is it? No, it is not. He's not going to have a balaclava on each hand.

And it doesn't matter, because unless he wears huge mitts, the fact that his hands are big, you can disguise small hands by sticking something big on them, but you can't make big hands small. Could you imagine just being like, you know, those really awkward handshakes we just hold on a little bit too long? That's, that's going to be our first impression. And we're caressing it, trying to get a really good understanding.

Whoever's recording it is going to want to zoom in to the person doing the handshake. Yeah. He's going to think we've got a hand fetish. This is probably not professional, but never mind. Yeah, exactly. Where's the line, the professional line drawn on this? How long can we shake his hand for before it becomes inappropriate? Not something I've come across before.

Yeah, it's not on the detective course I started, that's for sure. We've got a pretty big update that happened yesterday, Boss. Oh, wow. And so we have a visual, but we don't have a name. So what we do know, the guy from the documentary, we know is in a Facebook group called 50 Shades of Halifax. It is how the original documentary maker got the text from this guy, because the doctor's documentary maker had his number on his public profile, and he posted only in this Facebook group. So we know how it's like over 90,000 members of this group, but we know that he's in there,

unless he's, I mean, he could have left, but he was in that group. So I think one of my tasks, which will be a really easy task, is to go through all 90,000 intelligence members trying to find a profile picture of someone, ginger, male, and that looks tall with big hands. Yes, definitely an intelligence action, yes. Yes, I agree with that. Thank you. Thanks for confirming. Have a feeling there's going to be a lot of actions on the old intelligence hub. Usually is. We have an idea and we're not sure how you're going to feel about it.

We know that we're looking for a tall ginger with large hands. What if we ran a competition in Halifax, a largest hand competition. With a reward. With a reward for the person with the person with the... largest hands. And we go there physically, we review all the hands and we measure them all, and that's how we find our person. Do you think that is a good idea, or do you think we should walk away from that idea? The raised eyebrow from the boss just says it all. I applaud you. Okay. Your inventiveness and creativity is phenomenal.

But as a policing tactic, that would be way outside the rulebook. However, we're not a law enforcement agency. You are a podcast investigative team. Yes. And therefore, give it a go. And I think the key is for it just not to come from us. Yeah, it just can't come from us. Because we've got another insider who's in that group

that we can get her to post it and field all of the request for us. It's quite a big job. She hasn't agreed to it yet. But then at least they can't track it back to Lauren Rye and track it back to the podcast. I was going to say, because the problem is that the guy who made the confession, if he's still part of the group, knows that you guys are sniffing around. Yes. What kind of financial incentive do you think we need to offer for this prize for its work? Custom gloves?

Yeah, certainly something like that. And I think the kudos of it as well. Yeah. I think you need to kind of have some sort of trophy or certificate or something, I don't know. We're also not involving women This is quite a I don't know It's not very inclusive is it

This competition We're only looking for males Oh No no no we have to be inclusive It has to be inclusive Because you might get somebody From a transgender that comes forward Because some of them

If they've gone through the operation Later in life They'll have big hands But it identifies a female Yeah Oh yeah Good point We're going to be quite nonchalent

Towards the female entries though I think When we get there We'd be like, yeah. Yeah, we'll be like, yeah, yeah, good try. Or it does kind of make things more complicated, but you could run a male and a female competition or open in a female competition,

which is the way you do it nowadays in sport. And then cancel the female one last minute. No, just run with it because it adds to your cover. The boss has given us the green light. The big hand competition is a go. We need her advice on something else, though. Over the past couple of days, Karen has had contact with the self-professed Balaclava-wearing phantom shitter from the documentary. And then I just decided to call him out of the blue and he picked up, then hung up immediately.

And then he messaged me saying, sorry, I will contact you later on. Then he was like, sorry, I put the phone down earlier and I was cooking and had my son with me. And then I was like, just want to check if you're still up for meeting here with us in March sometime about the dance floor dropping. And he was like, not sure I can. as those dates you said, I'm at uni, which is nowhere near Halifax. But he's still not playing ball. I was like, we're totally flexible. And then he said, I don't know if I'll be able to, to be honest, or that's I even want to.

So now the question is, how do you feel about bribery? Do we have your approval to bribe? So what are you trying to achieve with that? What is that you're trying to get him to do? We desperately want to meet him at the abandoned brickworks alone, because we think it will be cinematic and incredible and a little bit dangerous, which we like. Actually, at the heart of bribery is about finding out what motivates people and what will make them do something they're a little bit reluctant to do.

Maybe something to do with his child? Maybe. You know he clearly finds time with his son really important. So my thinking is, I'm thinking on my feet, is that acknowledge that. And actually say, look, we really know this is taking time away from your son and we want to make it up to you. How about we fund you to have this marvellous day with your son doing whatever your son would really value

to compensate through the time you're investing, talking to us? So nice. That just made me feel really like good inside. That worked on me and I don't have a son. I know. It made me feel good about bribery. Yes, ma'am. Guys, it is bribery. It doesn't feel like bribery and that is the difference.

That's the key. That's the sweet spot. Exactly. If we were a law enforcement agency, It would definitely be off the cards because you're not allowed to induce people to cooperate. We bribe quite a lot. It's absolutely about stepping into that person's shoes. Are they actually learning things?

Which is crazy. Yeah. It's not crazy because obviously you would teach us, but maybe we can actually be better and do things better and bribe better. Can I ask you an honest question, Boss? Do you not feel like if we sort of continue on this path of learning from the best like yourself,

but we remain within it in the... unqualified detective world, so we're free to do stuff outside of the rules. Do you not think that's like the most powerful combination of a detective team? It's huge. I mean, it's what makes journalists and private detectives able to often uncover things that law enforcement can't. So you're saying we could be better than the real police? Yeah, in certain ways you will be.

That's the best compliment I think I've received all year. It's only January, but... Okay, we're the best. All we heard, I think is all we heard is we're better than the police now, right now. And that's all we need to hear. However it lands, it's your perception. It landed like that. That's fine. Weirdly, I actually think we're on the right track.

I mean, it seems like you're supportive of our next steps, and I think we've got a clear plan of action. I thought you were going to shut down the big hand competition. I think it'd be a hoot. It'd be an absolute hoot. Because he doesn't know that the hands are important. I don't think he will realise that the big hand competition. has got anything to do with this, because you play it right. Yeah, because it's too random.

And you need to play it right, because if that particular cat gets out of the bag, he will not enter the competition, and the whole thing will be blown. I just want to repeat back the same question that Lauren asked last time, or the first time we spoke, and just see if you've changed your reaction to this question. So this is written by Lauren, and she said, Oh, let it go. I was jet-legged. Since you and I are kind of detective buddies now, do you feel like we should come up with a name for our duo

like Starsky and Hutch or Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson? Maybe we could go against the granadour of all our names, something like No, La Ca. I don't know. I mean, from my point of view, I've kind of been parachuted even just for this case. So is it too early to start thinking about that? Because it's kind of like, you're the team.

I'm the guest star, if you like, because if you look at Stoski and Hatchel or any of those sort of programs, they would be guest stars sometimes collaborating with the two of them in solving whatever they were doing and sometimes starring as the villain, if you like. What I'm hearing, Lauren, is she's just not that into you. Well, it's not so much that. I think...

That's okay. It's not appropriate. You're saying it's not appropriate. It's not appropriate because of the fact we're detectives. It's that this is a three-way collaboration. You know, in any team, when I was working in the police service, in any team when we were doing an investigation, the non-detective staff were just as important as the detective staff

because everybody's got their own specialism that they bring to the party and everybody's equally important. So if we are going to do a team name, it has to be the three of us or it has to be the two of you. Yeah, no, but no la car is actually two letters from your name. La is me. It's in order of like most important. so it goes you first, two letters of your name, then two letters of my name, then two letters of Karen's name.

Yeah, well, I argue about the importance as well. I wouldn't necessarily argue about that. The only thing we are doing is leaving Mike Berry out of it, the clinical forensic psychologist, but to be honest, I'm not sure he'll want to be part of it. We'd have to add Joe into this as well. Joe No Laka. It does have a nice ring to it. Jo no Laka.

Yeah, it does. Well, it's growing on me. But let's park that for now. I still don't feel comfortable with you bringing that up for a second time in front of the boss. But yeah, thank you, Karen. It's all right. That's what I'm here for. But just to round this off, you know, well done, guys. You know, you've interviewed three witnesses.

And after that, you've absolutely established some key facts that are really going to help you identify the phantom chitter. And that's an amazing step forward. So, well done. I've got goosebumps again. I feel really proud of myself. Oh, my God. We need to get a life. Thank you very much for that compliment. That is honestly incredible to hear. Okay. So, well, we're just. We are about to speak to Lydia Dillamari, who is a local Halifax-based comedian. We've got a really weird job for her.

We basically need her to be an undercover agent for us. Yeah. And go on to the 50 Shades of Halifax Facebook group and launch our digital biggest hand competition on our behalf. Yes. Like it's just something that is funny because she's a comedian. so it seems legit. Does she know anything about it? No, nothing.

So how are we going to? So what does she think? What does she know? She thinks she's a suspect for shitting on the dance floor, I think. Oh, perfect. Well, then she'll be relieved. The biggest hand competition won't be an issue after she finds out she's not a suspect. I've got an oath that I thought she could read out and it says it's an oath of secrecy

before we share the picture and the competition idea because... I like that. Yeah, because she could just tell everyone. She could do it in a stand-up routine. Exactly. If she could use our us as material. She could let the cat out of the bag and then our whole digital hand competition. She could flip it on us.

Does she know any? She doesn't even know who we are, Lauren. Has she listened to the podcast? I doubt it. What do you mean you doubt it? Are we outsourcing it completely or are we? Are she just posting it? So we need to set up a email that I need to do when I get back tomorrow,

which is the biggest hands competition at gmail.com. And so she just needs to post it on Facebook. Yeah. that's all we need. So we need, should we just share the poster? On a group of 50,000 people. Yeah.

Should we just share the poster that she can read out and see if she's got any feedback? But the poster needs to be designed in everything, eh? I don't know if it does. It needs to look professional. No, Karen. No, it needs to look. We need like an image of a large hand

and it needs to look fun. Like no one's going to want to enter this. It looks boring. Okay. But, We kind of need to get our shit together because we've got deadlines. Oh, here she is. Right on time.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Stop sharing your screen. I know, wait. Hello. Hi, Lydia. How are you doing? Hello, Lydia. You're in for a bit of a ride.

There's going to be a bit of a roller coaster. And I feel like you're not prepared quite, we're not quite prepared for what we're going to ask you and vice versa. I'm looking forward to it. It's great. I'm ready. I'm ready. Good. Basically, we're just going to cut straight to it. We need your help. I just know that you are the right person for the job, but we kind of need you to take a leap of faith and accept the job without really knowing what it is. Yeah. Because we need you to sign an oath of secrecy. We need you to accept the job, sign an oath of secrecy, and then we'll tell you the information.

Right. Okay. Are you up for that? Sure. Good. That's the right answer. I felt like we're trying to scam you. We need an undercover agent. A local Halifax-based undercover agent

that is a comedian. And we feel like you've got all the attributes. You know, you are a comedian. We need someone that is quite strong of mind, quite calm under pressure, and you just fit the bill. You're also the only local comedian in Halifax we know. That words now, then.

So that equals you being the person for the job. Great. I'm just going to send you an oath to read out over WhatsApp to put some words into your mouth just so we can legally, you know, dot the eyes and cross the T's. So there you go. We're all about doing things by the book. Yeah.

Okay, we're ready. I, Lydia Dilla Murray, accept the role of undercover agent in the investigation known as the case of the dance floor dropper. I undertake this responsibility with full awareness of its importance and the trust placed in me. I further swore that any information, evidence or intelligence entrusted to me shall remain strictly confidential. I will not disclose, discuss or reveal these matters to any person without gaining the proper authorisation. My boss, Karen. There's a typo.

From my boss. My boss. My boss. My boss. My boss. Karen. Hekere, the assistant to the detective. Look, I'm also an actor.

Really does it's written. Yeah, no. That's on us. That typos on us, Karen. Yeah. Thanks for also helping to contribute to the oath, Lauren. Would you mind just undoing the typo that I, could you add that extra word that I forgot to add in.

No, no, no. We're leaving it as us. The first question now, I've got the oath of secrecy. It's basically, this is the normal part of this conversation, and then it's going to get a little weird. We need to know if you know this man. Karen Fleshes Lydia with the photo of our suspect.

No, I don't know that man. No, I don't know who this guy is, but that was a picture of him in the peace hall, so clearly he's a local. Is that the peace hall? Wait, that's in the peace hall. This is the peace hall. Yeah.

The peace hall. Wasn't it one of the locations that was going to be targeted? It absolutely was. One of the targets named in the documentary. I've got bigger fish in the friar. Peacehole. So we've received intelligence that this is the dance floor dropper. This is our perpetrator.

But we've got a bit of an issue because we don't know his name. Or how to find him. And we've got no means of contacting him. So it's our challenge as unqualified detectives to try and track down this man and celebrate his achievements, really. We're not really in the shaming game. We're more in a sort of applauding what an amazing feat of perpetration it was. Yeah, I mean, it is legend, right?

The story remains to this day as, yeah. One of the best things that's happened. Yeah, you know, one of those forecloths that happens. Transcends generations. It does. Before we continue, I have just thought of something. Firstly, I just did a reverse Google image search of this image, and I found nothing.

we should find out what event this photo was taken at because it's summer 2025, it was at the Peace Hall. We've got a little bit of text there on the side. There's clearly some sort of band setup. And we should try and see online or on Facebook if there's images from this event. Your difficulty is. Is this all you've got? It's not like there's no bio or hashtags or anything with it. It's literally just this picture.

Just this picture, yeah. That sturge set up is something that they put up in summer. all of the geeks that run throughout summer. There's nothing there that looks different to me, other than obviously at the back. It says summer 2025 in blue on the left. Okay, it's also sunny. There can't have been that many sunny days in summer 2025.

So we already can narrow down the dates of this event. I'm just saying it's a lead, Karen. I don't know why you're not saying this is great detective work. No, I'm loving it. Can I just say that I'm so impressed already by your undercover agent thinking, So I just want to say... It's amazing. Yeah, I want to applaud that.

And I also worry slightly. This is the second time we've recruited an undercover agent. Who's outperformed us? Who's outperformed us. So... Yeah, I feel like you're undermining us a little bit here with your skills. You're almost too good for the job. Sorry about that.

I also worry, Lauren, it's turning into a pyramid scheme again. I know. But also, what happens if Lydia just goes, oh yeah, I found him. I asked around in here he is. It's this guy. It's his name. And that's how the case is cracked. I don't care how the case is cracked.

I just know that with Lydia on board, like I feel like we're in scratching distance. I kind of feel the same. I just want to meet this man and I just want to know why. That's all we want. We want to celebrate it and we just want to know really how we pulled it off and just why. Because I think the fact that he kept on coming back five to eight times, that's like a point to prove. That's not just a one-off. Let's try and get away with it.

He had a mission and he wanted to do it. And we're like, what did he have against Yaka? We just want closure for everyone. We're working with Yaka and the owner and the manager and the staff there. And so we just want closure for them, but also I want to track him down. It's interesting that he doesn't want the glory for it, though. It's like a serial killer. You know, like they do the act and everybody knows them and they love the fame,

but they just don't want the full glory. He did like to loiter around after he had committed the crimes. There were some winter statements that placed him around the crime scene for a 10 minutes. it's after he shat. So he liked watching the chaos unfold. Okay. Shall we go into the next part of this? If you thought it was normal up until now, it's about to get weird.

You might have noticed from the photo that we just presented two things about the suspect. Number one, he is potentially a ginger. Didn't spot. No. From the light, you can, it's a bit difficult from this photo, but there have been witness reports claiming that the man who shacked on the dance floor is a ginger. I think I've heard that before. And he is a ginger with incredibly large hands.

Okay. So we have decided that the only way that we can crack this case and find out who the dance floor dropper is is to find a ginger in Halifax with the largest hands. Okay. So we're looking for a ginger with large hands. And we feel that the best way to find that person, is to launch a biggest hand competition.

Okay. Any questions? Not this far, no. That's it, really. Oh. But what we would love is we can't be the ones to initiate the biggest hand competition. We're going to launch it digitally,

and we're going to ask for submissions digitally, but then there will be an award ceremony for the person with the biggest hands, who will hopefully be the culprit, or it will be a complete and utter waste of everyone's timing including yours. We can't be the ones to post about that. We know which group it needs to be posted on,

50 Shades of Halifax, but we can't be the ones to do it because we're going to draw too much attention to ourselves and there's already some whispers going around that we're coming into town to investigate. So we need someone, i.e. you, to help us launch the biggest hand competition and to post about it on 50 shades of Halifax.

That's fine. That's doable. What do you think? You're not going to say anything about them being ginger then. No, that's just by the by. We'll have to see if... Maybe we should ask for one of their photos to be beside their head, just to assess head, hand ratio.

Ginger here? Yeah, I've said a photo of your face holding your hands out in front of you so we can verify. Okay. So we can see the ginger here. Yeah, so we're going to have to do the work to find the ginger. So we just thought that was a really a good, a fun way where the perpetrator won't know that we're behind it.

And it will lead us because they don't know that we know that they've got big hands. Yeah. So that's something that we're acting on. This is why we are so in the trust circle here with you, Lydia, because that's the biggest secret. If that gets out, we're screwed. And this whole entire undercover operation will fail. And we think it's best to come from you because you're a comedian.

And it's quite funny. So we're hoping if anyone questions what the fuck is going on, that they can just put it down to a good old-fashioned joke. I think nobody would question that from me. Yeah. Okay, good. They just want everyone question that. They might say why you're doing that. Yeah, that's fine.

And I'd be like, why not? Why not? Why would I not launch a biggest hand competition in Halifax? Is there a prize? Is it being hosted at the Acker? What's the... I think it's time. Shall I share the poster? If you would like to see this stunning work of art for yourself,

go to our Instagram page at Who's Chat on the floor at my wedding? The title of the poster quite simply reads, Halifax's biggest hand competition. And there's just one picture of a really large hand. Brilliant. Do you want to read it out, actually? Are your hands absolutely massive? Do you want the recognition does spade like palms deserve? If the answer is yes, your moment has come.

Because we're officially launching a competition to find the biggest hands in Halifax. How to enter. Take three clear photos. Your hand next to a ruler showing length. Your hand next to a ruler showing width. A photo of your face holding your hands out in front of you to prove they're actually yours. Human hands only, no animals.

Must live in Halifax. HX postcode only. Hand flat, ruler visible measurements in CM. No funny angles or filters. Send all photos. to big hand competition at gmail.com. Entries will close on Friday the 27th of March at 2pm. What do the winners get?

Scroll down. The winner gets an engraved trophy, a double-sized pint glasset grift with their initials. The glory in honour of knowing they have the largest hands, an invite to a prize-giving ceremony and a drink with the organisers. Measure up and enter, winner will be announced on Tuesday 31st of March. Oh my gosh, it's all so soon.

Is the organiser, including Lydia, because are you quite famous locally? Are you a big deal? Are you a big deal? I have been described as a hyperlocal influence. Okay, great. Because I think we need to dangle the carrot of Lydia to bring them in,

because it just says the organisers. I wouldn't want to make the organisers of this event, personally. It's like we're weirdly pimping her out. This feels really, I feel like we've asked enough. I'm not their generation, I don't think. The carrot dangle of you is not going to. to work for the it maybe. How many, knowing the locals in Halifax, how many dick picks are we going to get, do you reckon? Oh, yeah, true. I mean, it's an occupational hazard, isn't it? It is.

It's going to happen. I tell you what, especially if I'm posting it as well. The people love to send me dick picks. Do they? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. We could also, we could do a side, a sub sort of division of this competition, the biggest dick in Halifax, or the smallest one. Well, actually, don't people say, big hands, big dick. So actually, if we do find the biggest dick, maybe that will lead us to the biggest hands. I think it's feet, isn't it? Oh, it's feet. Yeah, I think it's free as a man one. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Also, we're kind of opening ourselves up to being sued because the turns and conditions on this competition are not tight. Like, if someone really wants to win this and we scan that person out of winning, they could sew us. We need some T's and says. We need

legal, we need legal input on this. I think we just have an asterisk, which is this is completely out of the of any law. Enter at your own risk. Yeah, but it doesn't mean you can just commit a murder and then say, oh, caveat, this murder is actually not included in the law. You can't do that. We'll take this off line. This is not something we should be bothering Lydia with.

So yeah, I think it's pretty watertight. How do you feel? This is exciting. Do you know what? I'm actually feeling really excited about this. I think we're going to track him down. I'm not going to give up. It's a tight turnaround.

It's a tight turnaround. Well, yeah, sorry. Yeah. So, okay, I'll get on it. Are you already a member of? of the 50 Shades of Halifax group. Yeah. I think if we can aim for a Friday launch of the digital biggest hand competition of Halifax,

I've got a butterfly as I'm really buzzed about this. We're launching an event. Oh my God, imagine if he does it. Oh. Could you imagine if we see him submit it? Because people are quite, it's quite iconic, all the mates, that's why I think this is quite a strong idea. Everyone knows I've like ridiculed people with their having big paddle hands.

Yeah. They'll be like, you've got to, oh, they'll probably even submit photos of him and make him do it, so there'll be pressure from people. And they'll tag people in it as well. It'll go viral. I think it has the potential to go viral. Right. The day has finally arrived.

A message comes through from our undercover agent Lydia. She's ready to launch the big hand competition. Karen and I are nervously waiting. There's no turning back now. Okay, I've submitted it for approval. Within minutes, we hit our first obstacle. I've tried twice and they haven't proved it. The admins of the Facebook group.

They might have rules against competitions. They are not playing ball. Actually, I've just gone online. I've found their rules. They've said that local businesses are only welcome to post on Tuesdays until 5pm and that's the same for events. So we wait until the following Tuesday when Lydia gets her second chance to strike. Yeah, it asks me a few questions today but it does look like it's pending approval. So fingers crossed.

Lauren, keep an eye on that Facebook group. It's going to happen. Okay, I'm watching. Apparently, it has been approved, but I can't see it on the page. Let me check now. This is like we're trying to infiltrate Fort Knox. It's like, I don't know, it's like Ocean's 11 trying to infiltrate this Facebook group. What the hell?

But then it happens. Oh, my God, guys, it's posted. It's live. The big hand competition has launched. But nothing about this launch would be smooth. Administrator Confuser. What do you mean? They're asking questions. Oh no.

This one Facebook post carries the weight of this entire case. Oh, I see a comment. Can I ask what business you're advertising? I've twice declined this post for no link to what it's for. I have to laugh at it, though. For years my personal circle have laughed at a variety of photos that I've shared of my husband's very big hands. with accompanying small items in his palm.

We've got to respond to this really quickly. We need a good response of what we should say back because I think they're going to delete this post. It feels like they've accidentally just accepted it and now they've got questions. Oh, God. What should we respond? I've just put no business,

just a competition for locals to get involved. Your husband is welcome to apply. Your husband is welcome to apply, especially if he's a ginger. I love that loyal seahorse 5-290 comments sounds like a weird fetish passed off as a competition. Uh-oh. It's not going down.

Oh, no, Lydia. I'm pretty sure they'll delete it. If we don't come up with a bit of backstory. This is like a taking time bomb. We're going to be cancelled. Oh, no. That Louise a woman said, is it an aid of anything?

We're a bit confused as to what it's for as people emailing photos to a random person is a little strange. And then the unimaginable happens. Guys, you will not believe who's just been tagged in the purse. Who? Who?

Our number one suspect. What do you mean? I swear down someone came straight in with a comment. It'd been there five minutes. Oh my God. Oh my God. A man called Christopher comments on the post. At Jim.

This is for you with your bin lid hands. We're frantically clicking on the tagged name. When I click on the profile of that guy that was tagged and I then go to his photos. He has a public Facebook profile. Guess what is there? What? It is the same photo that we were sent.

The same photo that we have been studying. Oh, my God. What are the chances? It worked. It literally worked. It absolutely worked. We now have a name, an identity. We're just staring at him.

because until now this person has been a mystery. We've been calling him the phantom shitter because that's all he was to us, a phantom. Not anymore. We have tracked down the name and identity of the real shitter through our biggest hand competition. The only thing left to do is to find this man

and confront him and ask him, why did you shit on the dance floor? Coming up next, Are you ready to solve this case with us right here, right now on this call? I'm feeling the pressure, but absolutely. The hands that we've received thus far have not actually been sufficient in size. We're looking for the biggest. Why does everything you say sound like a fetish?

We've completely messed up, really. Let's be honest. I worry about the whole thing. We're going to have to blow our cover. I think we've got one chance to get him. There is everything at stake here. Do you have any concerns? Slight concern we're inviting a man.

that we've never met into our Airbnb. This whole thing feels weird. It's time to face the music now.