Who Shat On The Floor At My Wedding? And Other Crimes - S3 E36 Dance Floor Dropper - The Finale

Episode Date: September 9, 2026

The perpetrator is only one phone call away. So we decide to make the call.But the ultimate question remains… will the Dance Floor Dropper confess? And it’s boob tube / strawpedo time, AKA our final undercover operation inside the Acca. We might finally get the answers we’ve been looking for.It's time to close this investigation once and for all.The next case opens September 24th.Support us on Patreon http://patreon.com/whoshatontheflooratmyweddingCheck out Instagram @whoshatontheflooratmywedding for case evidence and BTSSound design by @avaud.ioSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Previously on dance floor dropper. Somebody... Who has done this? Has been shitting... Well, I still have nightmares about the whole time and it was just after I'd first started. On the Acapulco dance floor. Best way to describe it is probably the Disneyland of Halifax.

We realised somebody doesn't a dump on the dance floor. It was very scary. The thing unfolded to absolute chaos. It wasn't until the third time this has happened and we realised this is really deliberate. Somebody's sitting out there to do us damage. a calculated attack. The police really wasn't interested.

They thought it was more of a joke and anything else. He basically went into the toilets, did it, carried it through, and just dropped it on the dance floor. What? You know how people sometimes get caught red-handed? It wasn't red. He had brown hands. Oh my God, Simon.

So you caught this person? Yeah. So this is now a manhunt. He was quite tall. Maybe six-four, six, six-foot seven. He would be just under six-foot. He was ginger. Well, he was ginger.

There's always a large ginger man in the Acapulco. He had huge hands. Massive hands. Are you going to buckle under the pressure? That's the question. We have an idea and we're not sure how you're going to feel about it. What if we ran a competition in Halifax, a largest hand competition? I've just got this text message, Lauren.

I saw the shitter that night at the Acapulco. No. Here is a picture. No. Phantom shitter. That's the man we're looking for. Oh my God. We have eyes on the phantom shitter.

Okay, so the biggest hand competition needs to work. All hopes lie on the biggest hand competition. Oh my God, guys, it's posted. It's live. The big hand competition has launched. You will not believe who's just been tagged in the past. Ho, who? Our number one suspect.

At Jim. This is for you with your bin lid hands. Oh my God. Oh my God. We have tracked down the name and identity of the real shitter through our biggest hand competition. Do you have any concerns? Slight concern we're inviting a man that we've never met into our Airbnb. Is this normal? Is what we doing normal? No. There's to light now. What's Dan is Dan, Karen? I do genuinely feel mildly on each.

Do you have any idea why we've invited you over today? You must have run out of other people to ask. The first thing that we really need your help with is to rule this guy out. I'm fun and shitter. I'm a dance ward dropper. Christopher, is this your friend Jim? Just at him.

I knew it. I knew it. It's not him. It's not Jim. It's not Jim's voice. It's not Jim's voice. That is not Jim's teeth. We have got one witness, multiple witnesses actually,

that knows who the real person is. Okay. The real shitter. Fabulous. And the big drum roll is, it's your friend, we're going to call him Jim. All we want to get at the end of this is, did you do it?

Yes or no. And why? That's all we want. I can get his number. That would be amazing. Do you want me to ring someone? Yeah. Yeah.

I'm really excited. Yeah, this is it. This is... This is... So we're going to get his number. We're going to get his number. We're going to get his number. Right, well, he's suddenly a number through.

I can. So, hang on wait. Are you going to call him, right? now and just to check if it's his number? Yeah, can't do. Yeah, okay, let's check it's his number. Oh, God. Don't say, did you shit on the dance floor.

This is dance floor dropper. The finale. Oh, damn it. Oh, no. Shit. Fuck. Okay, not the best start. Oh, God.

What do we do now? We're still at our Airbnb with Christopher, our main suspect's friend. Right now, he is our only link to the potential perpetrator. We need to somehow get Jim's number. Let's take a few steps back. Could you describe your friend Jim?

So the backstory is, so the pub where we play pool from, it was at the time a bit of a regular. So we kind of signed him on in case we were short. And he did play the odd game for us. He's a nice lad. It's a nice lad. I think he's pretty, he's harmless. Yeah, it's just a nice lad.

Is he kind? I don't know. He's never really giving me anything. Is he sort of polite? How would you describe him, how he is like overall? Is he like a polite lad? Is he kind of reserved? Yeah, I'd say fairly, fairly confident.

I wouldn't say shy. Certainly not in his shell. I would say overly confident. Would you describe him as having a calm demeanour? Somewhat. Quiet and not aggressive? Not overly quiet, but certainly not aggressive. I wouldn't say it was anybody that was aggressive or nasty or anything like that.

It wasn't particularly abusive. Do you know how tall he is? I would say similar traits of me. He's probably six foot, six foot, one. He would be just under six foot. He was quite tall. I'm six foot and he was taller than me. And what colour hair does he have?

It's like a light blonde, but very short hair. It was ginger, gingery hair. It may have been ginger. Would you describe him as ginger? I wouldn't describe him as ginger. Would you describe his hair as ginger? Is it like strawberry, strawberry blonde, where in some lights it looks like a mouty kind of blonde.

Yeah, and facial hair? A bit of a scraggly beard, sometimes maybe even a goate. Does it make sense to you that he could have shot on the dance floor? Why? I do know that he did frequent the hacker. And he stopped going? I don't know how often he goes now, probably more in his single days, but the odd occasion that we would venture out,

it wouldn't be uncommon to bump into him. Did you ever go to the Acker with him? I have done in the past, yes. What dates, in what year and what month? I would say not within the last 12 months. And it would have been a weekend late evening. Because you've been there around 2011, 2012. Oh, me?

Yeah, with him. Possibly. Possibly. You might have actually been there. No, you would have remembered if there was people running from the... smell here. Yeah. And you were just...

They probably told one of us. If I shot on the floor like with a group of mates, you'd never believe what I've just done. Why do you think he hasn't told you? Because it might not be him. Maybe that's why. If it is him, embarrassed.

It's so intentional though, five to eight times. It's not a mistake. It's not something you mess up and do once. You're a bit drunk and then you regret it. He's gone back for more. He got a kick out of it. Oh my God, how are we going to do this? Time is ticking.

We need to get in contact with Jim. I'll try him on Facebook again. And then something suddenly dawns on Christopher. I can't even call him on Facebook. Oh yeah. Let's do the same thing on Facebook then about the pool saying, hey, I couldn't find your number. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, just wondering. I'll see if he answers. Christopher looks up Jim on Facebook Messenger. Yeah, we're good. Yeah. His finger hovers over the video call icon. He looks at Karen and I And we nod

God Hello Hey up Paul How are you mate How's it going? You're right Yeah you I'm all right yeah You're going to ask you to play pool aren't you

No not tonight Work for tonight I was just seeing what you're available Because we're over summer We've got a few away Like I'm away for a couple of weeks Can you send me the dates on Facebook I'll tell you what's easier

I'll WhatsApp you Do you want to message me your number on Facebook Yeah I'll message you you later. Can you do it now? Because I'm about to meet, Robbie. Yeah, just send it out. It'll take you two seconds.

All right, mate. Nice one, pal. Cheers. See you later. Bye, bye, bye, bye. You just aced that. That was so affection. I don't understand your friendship, but that's saying authentic.

Sign me up. Yeah, I know. That's there. Sign me up. He's typing, actually. Got it. We've got it. What message as a mate of Jim?

What would you want to say to him? You're never going to have this conversation directly with him. But what message would you have for Jim, knowing that he did this? I'd be interested to know why. But I presume I'd just say, well, it's funny. We've all done it. Have we? I don't think I've shit on a floor, actually.

Yeah? I'd love to see his face if it was him owning up to it. Or if I just said to him, oh, you're the phantom shitter. I'd like you see his face change. because I'd laugh if it was me and somebody said that to me I'd be like a certificate smile kind of it's quite a big secret to sit on isn't it for so many years?

Yeah you'd think because there's been a lot of chat about it as well because he's on the 50 Shades of Halifax group and there's been a lot of chat about the Phantom Shitter on there as well so it's just amazing that he's sat on that for so long unless it became a trend

not a trend but said personated did it a couple of times and then somebody else thought, oh, I'll do this. I'll do that. Yeah. Because we still don't know that it's the same person. Each time.

We know that the last three were the same person because the staff started kind of watching the security cameras and they identified four people for the final time and then they chased them all, followed them through and chased him to the toilets and witnessed him kind of do it. And then they kind of arrested him. They took him into the office. They didn't arrest him because they're not police.

We understand how that feels. You can't arrest someone if you're not police. They took him into the office, but they could legally only hold him for 15 minutes. They tried to call the police. Police wouldn't do anything about it. And he refused to tell them his name because legally he doesn't have to. Anything about his motive, any information about why he did it. And he wasn't apologetic.

And then within 15 minutes, they had to release him. But they all remembered his face in his hands. They were directed to look at his hands because they had feces on them. So now at the security guards, they know not. to let him into the ACCA. So, yeah, if it's German, then he's not been back to the ACCA since 2012. But also, it's impossible to manage.

Like, they're not going to be that button down on the doors, are they? That's it over a period of time. People get older, people change, door staff change, bar staff change. The thing is, there are still question marks. Unless we get a confession, we can't be 100% sure it's him the whole time. Because there are a few unanswered questions.

What do you think we could do to make him feel good about confessing to us? Just catching him off guard, maybe even being open, honest, allowing an anonymity, which I can never say. You don't think Christopher should ring him up? No, and ask. And just ask. Because either thing is... I can. I can kind of say, you've just popped into my head because I've literally just rung you. somebody a couple months ago mentioned this scenario.

What are you? I think we should do this, you know. His facial expression, the way it changes, when that question is asked out of the blue, is going to be essential to understanding. But did you see his face on Facebook Messenger? Was video cool, was it? No, no, it was just a phone call.

But you could do a video call, but then we'd just have to get Christopher to describe how the face was. Well, we can be what... That's really creepy If there's suddenly two women... No, no, no, no, we don't have to say it. Huh? We don't have to say it.

We can be to the side looking at the screen. Christopher's this way. It's asking a lot of you. It is asking a lot of you. I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable, though, if it's going to be way for you. I could not careless. Watching his face change when that question has asked,

we might just have to make this conclusion based on this look. Where was he said he was at the supermarket? Supermarket, yeah. Or he might just straight out deny. I feel like this is our best chance, really, because he's not going to respond to a random message from two women that are not local.

He's not going to agree to talk to us. We're never going to be able to speak to him after this. If this is the final... We've got one shot. We do have one shot. And this is the way we're choosing to use that shot. I think we should do it. I think the look on his face is essential,

the way it changes, or doesn't change. Or we can find out what sort of. supermarket is it? No, no ambush, no ambush. No ambush. Okay. So what are you going to say again? What are you thinking? What feels natural? Just because I spoke to you, someone's just popped in my head that cropped up a few months ago, meaning to ask you. I'm like there was this thing about like somebody shitting on the floor in the hacker facial expression from that point. Like somebody mentioned if I be you. God, you're, you're convincing me. I'm feeling like I shit. The way you're saying that.

Yeah, maybe it was, you? Well, you could be like, I've got a bit of a weird question for you. Are you alone? I can message him and ask him if he's alone. That's really weird. That's really weird. Just say you're with anyone right now. I've got another question. But you'll see where he is. Yeah, it depends if he's back home.

He was going back home. He's going back home to his partner. He said he was going away tomorrow. So we need to catch him now. Yeah, let's do it. Yeah, let's just do it. Let's just do it. Let's just... And do you know what?

What's the worse can happen? Yeah. I'll just say, go to a quiet room. Okay. So we need to... Okay. Do you need a screen, record it or anything? Nah, let's not do that.

Or he just sent me a thumbs up. Right, I'll do it on Facebook. Oh my God, I feel nervous again. Ooi, hoi. You all right, mate? Who are you with? Just in a taxi coming home from supermarket. All right, okay.

The only reason I wrong you, right? Yeah. Well, no, about the pool before, but then something cropped into me head that somebody mentioned a few months ago, and I thought, oh shit, I need to ask you about that. Somebody mentioned a few months ago about somebody shitting on the floor in the ACCA. Don't have a clue, but I thought. I've not been in the ACA for four or five year.

Four or five year? Somebody mentioned... Who mentioned that to you? I can't remember. We're on a night. I think it were at a pool presentation. I can't remember it was. They said.

I think it won at other teams. They said somebody who's... been shitting out floor in Acker a few year ago and they said we think it might have been Jim. No, it weren't me. No. So I thought I'd ask you

because I thought it's funny if it were. I'd be proud of that. Did you hear about it? Vaguely, a long time ago. Yeah, yeah. I can't remember what it was. I thought I remember seeing someone on Facebook. We're up in it, we're going to be, because I thought

that'd be funny that. No, bother. All right, buddy. Okay, I'll see you in a bit. Right, cheers. Bye. Bye, bye, bye, right. What's your gut feeling?

I don't know. I could add to him. I think he was very surprised. It was immediately very defensive. Yeah, it was. Did he flinch a bit when you accused him? He was a bit fidgety with his hat then. That's what I noticed.

It became a bit fidgety and he was like instant denial. If you are accused of something like that and you really are innocent, and I think you would be so surprised out of the blue as well. But I don't think you'd get fidgety. I don't think you're right. Yeah, he seemed a bit like touchy. Yeah. What was the first thing he said?

He said, I don't know anything about that. Yeah, yeah, I've not heard. But then later in the conversation, he said, I did hear about that a long time ago. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Just my yours up there. I'm so here. He immediately was defensive, but then he changed his story within a minute.

So he's not proud. He's not proud, which says, quite a lot. If someone did that and they're proud and you called them on it, I think there would have been a slight smile. Or saying he'd be proud of that, is that a cover-up? Is he normally quite a fegety? I've noticed. Holy shit.

Yeah, it changed. Yeah. Dominga changed. Yeah, I mean, we're not in person. Yeah. See his whole body and his whole body language, I guess. Yeah. It's something he's buried, I think, for quite some time.

time. Yeah, yeah. Because it's 14 years ago now. It's a long time ago. So he's probably, yeah, taught himself how to lie about it. I found it very interesting as well because he immediately said who asked about it, who said that. And I think that actually is something that you would absolutely want to know who is talking

about it and where it came from if you did it. Because otherwise you'd be like, no, and you wouldn't really care too much. He cared. He cared. He wanted to know immediately. Oh, my God. Shifting. It's a little bit shifting.

The more I'm thinking. I'm processing it. I actually think he really is the guy. I think he's the dance-word dropper. I've come here and based on the first half of our conversation, I said absolutely not him, from that, I'm not as convinced. So do you think it as likely?

After that conversation, as short as it was, more likely. But less confident that it's not him as I was an hour ago, half an hour ago. What percentage do you feel like he is the pooper traitor? I'm more than 50-50 now, I'd say I'm still not 100%. I'm not either. I would have to do a lot more digging.

You guys obviously would as well. I'd say 60 to 70% just based on that chat. 60% to 70%. We've convicted people for a lot, leas. We have, we really have. There's a lot to one pack. There is a lot to one pack. Yeah, that's just thickened the plot.

I think this is actually perfect You know, we all have a gut feeling that we know it was Jim But we will never really know for sure It's made me more inquisitive now I know that what we said stays Yes In a triangle

But I will be Thinking about it And try to notice things Thank you so much for coming over here With zero expectations And slight uncertainty But you've helped to close this case and the way it should be closed, I think.

Yeah. With a degree of mystery, also an increasing amount of certainty. So thank you. No problem. Thank you. It happened. We confronted Jim, indirectly through Christopher, but we did ask him, did you do it?

Did you defecate on the dance floor? Jim said, no, I don't have a clue about that. And no, it wasn't me. Strong words. But were they the truth? Or 14 years of practice? Because here's the thing about a lie told long enough. Sometimes the liar forgets it's a lie.

Sometimes the story they've made up becomes the memory. So when he says it wasn't him, is he lying to us? Or is he lying to himself? We need the opinion of a professional, preferably a detective superintendent who has led investigations for over 3,000. three decades. Welcome, boss. Hello boss.

Hello. A woman who knows truth from lie, guilty from innocent. We have a video to share with you now of the guy Christopher calling his friend. He said, I don't have a clue about that. And then he said, I've not been in the ucker for four or five years. I have not been in the ucker for four or five years. And then I'll keep playing.

No one. I'm me. Well, amazing. Do you think he sounds guilty? As far as Denial's go, he kind of accepts that his mate Chris is accusing him, which you kind of wonder, because if it had been me, I'd go, what if you think I'd do that? I'd never do something like that, you know, or what's kind of led you to it, whereas he's just saying, no, I didn't do it. There's no shock at being accused or something.

Most people would have been really surprised at being accused of that. It's just like immediately defensive, like, her. How have you heard that from? Yeah. It's not like, why, and if you think I'd do something like that? It's who told you? Yeah. Who told you that so I can go and question them about it?

Yeah. You've dealt with a lot of guilty people before. What's your guilty barometer saying, as a percentage, and this is based on nothing other than gut feeling? My gut feeling at the moment is kind of 50-50. On just the voice, it's really hard to tell. But equally, I'm not saying he's innocent, because he's not reacting like I would expect somebody that was innocent.

we had. That's our thoughts exactly. But beyond this denial, we do have evidence. We have a photograph identified by the victims themselves. The people who, for 14 years, have wanted nothing more than an answer to one simple

question. Why? And this raises an uncomfortable question. When you want an answer badly enough, do you find the truth? Or do you find a truth? So we think we've got this guy, but I actually think it's the right way to end this going,

we'll never be entirely sure. The legend lives on. We also cannot be 100% certain because there were so many instances of this happening that he is not one of many. Yeah. Between five and eight times, could it have been the guy from the documentary

who did it first, potentially not because we've got, yeah, there's some other reasons why we think it's not him at all. But there could be other people. There could be other people. perpetrators. Justin the manager originally believed that there were multiple perpetrators. I thought

there might have been two people doing it or multiple people doing it at one point. However, when we caught the person they're danded. I support Brown ended. It never happened again, so I assume that it was just for one person. And then there's the ginger issue. Is he a ginger?

A ginger? Yes, a ginger. Do you know something? I think it may have been ginger. It was ginger. Like, gingery hair. Are you 100% certain they were ginger? Yes. And what colour hair does he have?

It's like a light blonde. Is it like strawberry, strawberry blonde where in some lights it looked like. No, like a mouty kind of blonde. The ginger inconsistency is giving me some real concerns about whether or not we've got the right guy. I agree with you until we've got an actual confession and CCTV footage, there's always a chance. We've 90% found the actual shit. the dance floor dropper of the Acapulco. But yes.

Definitely. I'm up for those odds and I agree with the odds. But there is that 10% of uncertainty. I agree with you. There's always going to be that unsettling feeling of, is this the guy? Yeah. Is he still out there? Is he still a mystery?

Could he strike again? And we'll never know. And that's the way it should be, I think. I've got goosebumps. Did you just give yourself goosebumps? Yeah. But they came on my shoulders. They keep on coming in different places.

You just gave yourself goosebumps. that's like making yourself laugh at a joke. It's the exact same thing. I know I'm focusing on the lowest, the 10%, but I still think we have to be really... We've spent a lot of time on this. We can't say that we've got it in the bag because of these small uncertainties.

I do think we should, but it's again a bit of a slam dunk like booed bandit. We've got all of the witness statements. If we've got Sam Holden on the line, it'd be like, well, all the witness statements are saying that's him, that's him, that's the guy. If it was in court, he would be... sent to prison, fecal prison. But yeah, courts get it wrong all the time. Innocent people are sent to

jail and in this case we might be sending an innocent man into virtual podcast jail. But am I okay with that? Yes, I am. I feel like I'm not okay with it. Well, and I know I'm defending the perpetrator right now. I think you've just got in a bit of a weird zone about this ginger thing and I think you're acting up, to be honest. I think you're getting weirdly defensive. You change your tune. You're getting like, I don't know. It just feels like you're... Are we not aligning? No, I just feel like you're not aligning.

There's something going on between us. You're like becoming this weird defensive spokesperson for the world of ginger's out there. It's nothing about the ginger. It's 5% about the ginger. There's nothing. It's just 5%. This guy doesn't look very ginger to me. I agree he's gingerish, but he's not a brunette and he's not a blonde.

There's a scale, as we know, but it doesn't matter. Like, he's definitely got like hints of it. Lauren, I think just because you're more of an extreme version of ginger. I know you're like, want to be put on a pedestal and the sort of a whole hierarchy of gingers out there because yes, you are special and you are unique, but you don't have to like poo-poo other gingers on the other end of the scale. We can all coexist. No, no, no. I'm pro-jingers on all parts of the spectrum. Trust me, I'm very pro-jinger. And then we've got the height inconsistency. I'd probably say maybe six-four, six, six-foot-seven,

possibly even tall. It was huge. I would say similar to me. He's probably six-foot, six-foot one. However, Jim's height does sink nicely with Simon's witness statement. I would say he would be just under six-foot. So yes, there are inconsistencies. And there are also mistakes. Mistakes we have made throughout this investigation. The boss would like to point out one of those mistakes.

Do you have any compliments to share with us, how great we are, any thoughts on our case? solving approach. The only thing I would say is a little bit more research on exactly what the admins on that particular face group would probably be looking for. So looking at what's been posted before and trying to make it blend in a little bit more might have been a bit helpful. It's almost like you've gone undercover in an 80s nightclub and turned up wearing either 60s stuff or 90s stuff. But you've kind of not done your research as to what you're. would be appropriate. I think that is completely fair, very fair.

But the thing is, how do you blend a big hand competition in with anything? Well, therein lies the art of intelligence. That's what undercover people have to do. You have to blend in, even though it's impossible to blend in. Do you think you could stop saying intelligence? Because I feel like this is, I just makes me feel like it's my failing. Actually, I think this is a shared detective intelligence. It does feel a little bit like it's your fault, which I really.

really appreciate just because of the word intelligence being associated with it. But surely a detective should input on making it seem... Anything that is a team effort, is a team effort. And it doesn't really matter whether it's one discipline or the other. Yeah, it's a shared note for improvement, Lauren. Indeed. As far as I know, it's the first time I've tried to do something undercover. Yeah, we have done other undercover things before, but I don't think we want to disclose those to you.

Okay. No, actually. If you think that could have been done better, then you do. not want to hear what we have done before. Lauren was referring to when she once sent me into Louis Vuitton undercover wearing a bowtie and really colourful trousers that made me look like a clown. And that wasn't the most subtle undercover look. No.

Yeah, it wasn't couture. It wasn't cature. It wasn't like designer or couture. You're not quite getting the blending in bit of being undercover on. We're definitely not getting that. But I don't know if we have the, I don't think we have the capacity. to blend in. But it wasn't all mistakes.

We had some real breakthroughs in this case. You've got to go with what you get. You've got to go with what you get. And we went with what we had. Absolutely. So amazing result, girls. Amazing. Out of 10, given the tools that we had,

how well do you think we did on this case? Out of 10? Oh, tricky. I mean, it's a cold case. You were starting years and years after the event. Given that, and the limited tools that you've got available, I think it'll give you a good seven out of ten.

That's really good. Yeah. I'm actually okay with this, Evan. What pile does it go into now? Because it was a cold case. We pulled it out of the fridge, and then now we've kind of semi-solved it. What would you call it now?

You've basically taken it as far as it goes. So if you've exhausted it and you've got a pretty good idea of who the perpetrator is, but for very good reasons, feel that that is as far as it should be taken, then you close it. And what percentage do you think it is solved? I don't think... It's what the real police do, per percentage on it.

Cases are either open or closed. I mean, cold cases are cases that haven't been closed. They're simply not got any resources looking at them. They're sitting on the shelf and being ignored. Okay, so it's not like 1% open, 99% closed or something. It's either open or closed. It's not ajar. Well, I would, I reckon what?

I think we should do, because of all three of us here, we can change the rules now. Instead of going open, full stop or closed, full stop, can we just put a question mark after closed? So it's closed? Or ajar? Yeah, or ajar. Ajar? The case is ajar. But still, no confession.

And we won't get one. Not today. And maybe not ever. So the case is officially ajar. I think you can kind of leave it for your listeners to make up their own mind as to whether it's really him or not. And then we've got the icing on the cake, which is you saying at the very end of the finale that we are better than the real police. Yes, indeed. Do you want to say that?

Do you want to say that we could be better than the real police? I think in taking this particular nuisance issue forward, yes, absolutely. You've done a great job to actually do what the police service just hasn't got the capacity to do. This is why we exist, boss. Do you think the world is a safer place with Lauren and I investigating crimes? It's definitely a funnier place. I don't know. Safer-wise.

Maybe because if you bring in humour and people get to see the funny side, the world's a better place, isn't it? So it's got to be a safer place. That's so nice. Thank you. We put those words into your mouth, but thank you. We're distracting real perpetrators

from doing crimes by just making them laugh, is what I'm hearing. That's a good side. But we're also glorifying people shitting in places. We're like making it into this like amazing thing. You could get on this podcast if you shit somewhere. Yeah. Well, there is that.

You seem to be implying that perpetrators kind of have a grand scheme of wanting to become perpetrators. A lot of people that end up being perpetrators because they're depressed and frustrated and want to get even, want revenge, want whatever. And actually, if you make people laugh and make people feel better about themselves or about the world or whatever, even for a moment, then you break that and therefore you prevent crime. Our podcast is preventing crime. We should get funding from the police. Yeah, I think we need to look into that.

Maybe that's a next step for you, boss. This hits up the Thames Valley Police Funding Department. That would be great. Yeah, I think that's a crime convention strategy probably find that a bit of a challenge to understand. But I do think it matters. Would you work with us on another case, or is this the end of the road? No, I've really enjoyed it.

It's really made me think about things in a different way. and more importantly, it's allowed me to use the kind of grey matter that was trained by 10th Valley Police for 32 years. I've been allowed to use it again, which is always great. Okay, but if we do do this again, would the hierarchy be the same? Oh my God, let it go, Lauren. I think you'd still be the boss, and I'd still be just below you. Hang on a minute, hang on a minute.

She's asking for a promotion is what she's doing. Yes, I know. And you're not going to get it, because the structure is case. specific. Give me a case where the roles that are required are such that it would need you to be in a higher position. We can talk about it. I will. I will. I'll find that case. It's fine. I'll find it. I'll find it. No, no, I'm going to find it. No, I'm happy to have a break from doing any work. So please, if you want to take on the lion's share of everything, Lauren, be my guest. No, no, I'm not saying I'm going to be intelligent. Good luck without intelligence. Good luck.

No, no, no. I'll find a case where I know more about something than the boss does, which, will be like something very niche. Nothing. Literally nothing. No, no, no, it'll be something. And then boss will be demoted to head of intelligence and then Karen will be demoted to intern. You're trying to demote the boss.

Should we read out her CV again? But if I'm the boss, then just... Yeah, no, no, no. Do you want us to recap on that? No, no, I don't want to talk about it anymore. I would stop talking. I would literally just stop talking. Yeah, anyway.

Yep. I think this is definitely one that you want to stop digging whilst you've got an opportunity. I would suggest so. In fact, Boss, why don't we just, because we seem to be on the same page here, why don't we just promote me? And then you and I can be a little bit.

Here we go. And then I can help manage Lauren, so you don't have to deal with us again. The same applies to you in that it's case specific. As we're a team here, and we've just closed our first case together, I was wondering whether you would humour us, boss, and do a little team challenge.

with our team name that you've kind of not fully approved, but we're running with it anyway. So our team name was no la, car. You're going to say no. Then Lauren's going to say la and I'm going to say ka, and we're just going to say it three times and get increasingly excited about it. Just roll with it. Don't think about it too much. Go on.

We'll give it go. Three, two, one. No. La. Ker. No la. Ker. No, we're going to get this.

Okay, three, two, one. No. La. La. No. La. Ka. No.

La. Ka. And then go really quick. No. No laika. No laika. No laika. Noaka.

Okay, that's not working. So now we put our virtual hands into the screen. No, Karen, that's enough. I don't even like this. If I don't like it, then the boss won't like it. Go, no laaka. That's what I wanted to do, but I'm on my own, clearly, so. Do you want to do that, Nora?

Or not? I struggle with how you do that on a virtual call. That's a wrap. That's a rip. But where does this leave our victims? What message do you have for the perpetrator of this crime? Why? I hate you, but I love you at the same time.

It's such a fantastic idea. I hate you because I've cleaned it up. But I don't know if it's shake his hand or punch him square in the face. I'd like a person to know just the help sell what he'll have caused, hundreds and hundreds of people. the panic, what he's created and making so he would never do anything as silly as that again. And to make sure that other people know not to copy-cut him because the last single one is this podcast to go out and people think, wow, that's a good idea and then go out of the shit on the dance floor.

Not just for us, but anywhere, anywhere in a world. Yeah, we don't want to inspire a new generation of perpetration, do we? Well, I'd like to shake his hand now, I suppose. At least it'll be clean. I mean, whatever his motive was, I hope that he can now see how he managed to upset a load of people on the night and caused distress probably in a way that he didn't mean to. So hopefully by you guys exposing that and getting people to see the funny side of it would have helped the people who were distressed by it to realise maybe it wasn't that bad,

but also help him to understand that probably wasn't the smartest move in the book. You don't sleep because you're how well done with it, you get, quite upset because of it. You have flashbacks of it happening because it was horrible and the panic of people and the upset of people and the sheer panic on people's faces and how we're getting so upset. Did anyone ask for compensation? No, nobody asked for compensation. I would have. And will you forgive him? Is there forgiveness in your heart, Simon? Yeah. Why? Yeah. I think everybody changes over time. The person you were when you were 16 is not the person you are now. So yeah, I'm not a Christian or anything like that. But I'm just forgiving this there.

Do you forgive this person in Justin? I don't think I'd ever forgive the person. You know, but it's not for me to forgive it. It's the people who were covered in the poo, who were panicking of the dance floor, who's had their night ruined. You know, I've come to work and I'm here. Most people have come for a good time and being covered in shit. And, you know, it's them.

The guy needs to apologise to. Really not me. It's end. What life lessons do you think we can learn from this? I don't know. We all make our own meaning in life. And, you know, we all want to be the main character. We all want to achieve something. We all want to be someone.

And it doesn't have to be monetary success. It doesn't have to be fame. It can just be success in your own mind. And that success could be... Fecal success. Exactly. Are there any life lessons that you've drawn from this experience, knowing that one of your mates might be capable of something

much greater than you ever imagined. Well, that, but I think the main thing would be, I'm probably not going to do that. What shit on the floor? Not more than once. I do it once. But then once it turned into like a serial, serial turtle,

so I'll have, you two sniffing after me. But that's a really lovely outcome that we've, one positive thing. We prevented a potential serial pooperator. We have stopped a perpetrator in their tracks today. Exhali. There's only one thing left to do now. We are going clubbing.

So we're currently in a taxi in an Uber on the way to the Acapulco. It's about 10 o'clock and Lauren and I are two 40-year-old women about to go clubbing. I don't know how long we'll last. Let's do a bet on how long we're going to last in here. last in here. I think 28 minutes. I think an hour, at least. At least.

Karen, I don't want to be I don't want to be there for a minute. We're going to leave at 11. We're not leaving at 11. That's so late. For me, that's midnight. It's all wrapped around my seat now. Don't underestimate what we're capable of. Don't underestimate the power of us. 10.11 p.m.

Karen and I arrive at the club. Oh God, there we go. Oh there's no Q? Oh no, Karen. That's okay. Thanks. Thank you so much. Have a lovely night. Thanks, have a great night. Don't get run over. I feel pretty spicy that we're on the guest list though.

But there's no one at the door. Like what's the point of the guest list? Oh Jesus Christ. I'm loving it already. Here we go. Oh, there is a queue. There is a queue. Yeah. 10.16pm. We approached the dance floor,

and Simon, who is DJing, blows our cover immediately. Oh my God, we've got that intensive thing. We can't believe, right. His tick is about 12 beers. And we finally wouldn't rubble that mystery. We can have a fine out to the podcast. 10.24 p.m.

First drink order. What do you want? You want a beer? You want to have a beer? I'll just have a beer. 11.m., second drink order goes in. 1143 p.m. 4th drink order. Time for Karen's straw pto.

May I get a straw? It's not the right kind of straw. It's been a while. Do you have a bindi straw? Still got it. Still got it. It's 103am and I can't find Lauren anywhere. It's 113 and I find Lauren in the DJ booth

wearing a top hat, a t-shirt saying ginger spice, holding the microphone. Say hi. Say my two podcasters. Hello everybody. It's time to get on the dance floor. 1.35 AM and we find Simon in the smoking area. We update Simon. So we spoke to the guy that you were 90% sure.

Yeah. You smoked to him. Well, indirectly. But you know what? I'm sadly not feeling confident we're ever going to get them one. why, the reason why. He genuinely think it's the same person that did it every single time.

Yes, actually it. So you think it's the same person every time? Why do you get an accomplice? I mean, I could be wrong, I'm not a detective, you know that, don't you? And he suddenly revealed to us something we were not expecting. So, no, obviously, he's been in scenes. He has been in six. The perpetrator has been back to the club,

But hang on a minute. Jim said this. I've not been in the occur for four or five year. It wasn't the right time to question Simon in the smoking area. Karen's tanked up on straw pedos. It's almost 2 a.m. and we need to go home. We wake up the next morning and immediately calls Simon. We need to verify what he said.

Yes, I believe he came in here this year and kept a very low profile. I thought you said the perpetrator was banned from the car. club. He was banned for the club. But to be fair, life in prison is not life in prison. When he came in last time, we did watch out for him and we won't 100% it was him. But we were again 80, 90% sure it was him. So we just kept a close eye on him and he didn't shit anywhere. Wow. I am so impressed that you can remember anything from last night because you did drink quite a bit. We didn't drink quite a bit. I have three beers. The receipts don't lie, Lauren. You lost the receipts and you put them on our business and now we can't claim back the VAT for them, so don't talk to me

about receipts, Karen. You were dancing in front of everybody. You were very entertaining. I think the customers really liked it. I got hit on by someone. You did get hit on by an 18 year old. It was like an 18 year old that slid into my DMs, yeah, and he was like, what a piece of that assistant detective? And I was like, still got it. Didn't he say, hey, is the tall blonde one single?

Yeah. Okay. What about the short ginger one? Okay, well, I guess that settles it then. I am quite surprised that you forgot to tell us about him coming into the club. I'm quite surprised that during the investigation that that didn't come up. Well, we weren't 100% sure, just 80% sure that that was him. And now you show me a picture that looks like the guy that came in here. And now you've actually, I guess, fingered the guy.

Oh, man, that's not the right word. Oh, he haven't fingered him. Now you've pointed this guy out to me. I'm putting two and two together and that's definitely a thought. And I think that's definitely the man. What do we believe? Do we believe Simon when he says he saw him? him that night. The same face from the photograph. Jim. Has he really been back inside the club?

Because if that's true, if he really did walk back through those doors, then Jim was lying, lying straight to Christopher's face, on the phone, swearing he hadn't set foot in the Ucker in four to five years. And if he lied about that, what else did he lie about? And Jim, Oh Jimmy boy If you're listening to this right now Here's a message for you Hello Jim This is Simon

The owner of the Acapulto Now it's been quite a few years And to me you've served your time If you want to put everybody's mind at rest Mine included All we're asking you to do is turn up on the specific night Saturday the 17th of October

This could be the biggest date in history So on that particular night I'm going to be DJ myself and at the stroke of 12 and you'll know when because we'll do the chimes all I want you to do is walk on the dance floor not drop anything

this time I want you to look up grab my eye and just give me the nod and that nod will indicate that you're sorry for your sins and of course I will nod back to see you forgiven and if you do that your lifetime ban is up

and we'll even buy your drink as well unless of course you shit on the dance floor again that choice is yours