Who Shat On The Floor At My Wedding? And Other Crimes - S3 E40 Bristol Bangers - Part Three

Episode Date: October 21, 2026

We arrive in Bristol with a real government threat replication expert and one mission: to conduct a hostile reconnaissance of the crime scene and get inside the minds of the perps.But going undercover takes planning. We need new identities, convincing cover stories, and a way to blend in without blowing our cover.Who will we become? And will our undercover operation go to plan?The finale drops 5th NovemberSupport us on Patreon http://patreon.com/whoshatontheflooratmyweddingCheck out Instagram @whoshatontheflooratmywedding for case evidence and BTSSound design by @avaud.ioSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

previously on Bristol Bingers. It wasn't until a couple of weeks later that I told a friend that I hadn't seen for a while, and she said, you've got to put this on the Bristol subreddit. Sausage mystery. Mini, mini sausages spotted in St. Jude's, where did they come from? Where will they go? It's a meaty mystery. Hundreds and hundreds of comments and likes and jokes about the sausages.

They got wet, so they're dividing. Like, Gremlin. Ah, the saucis dangerous. Are we sure that this isn't an art installation? Maybe it's a fancy. Hundreds of raw sausages have been fly tipped in Bristol City Centre overnight. This is the final dagger to piss the heart of the perpetrator with. Found about 50 of these at the entrance to my apartment block.

I think I've unlocked the second part of your mystery. Click on the picture. Okay, whoa, okay. End on the picker, it sees porky lights. Six, lower fat. Premium, poor. sausages made with hand-trimmed cuts of pork used by 20th of November? 2005.

What was the date of our pop-up sausage event? It was the 22nd of November. Is there more images, or do you want me to tell you what brand of sausage that could belong to? Please proceed. Not a lot of brands use natural casings now, so I think porky whites, I would say that could pass as one of theirs. It is literally the same. named sausage. That is a porky light.

I know a porky light when I see one. There were 50 discarded packets found of porky lights. I can't believe it. How many sausages were in the pile? I'd say like 300. 50 times six equals 300 sausages. No. You can't make it up.

What are people wearing in Bristol in the St Jude's area? Baseline, baseline. We must be baseline. You've got to be baseline. So I'm going to pull together a fashion mood board. We can make an identity for you. We're allowed to do that for you. Yeah, you can do that. You can make an identity for it. It's going to be so extreme, I'm telling you now.

If Karen is responsible for that, whatever you want. You can't be too extreme. It has to be a legend that has a baseline that is appropriate for the hostile reconnaissance. Can we dress you up as well? I mean, this case is so unhinged. It's also just not professional in any way. We still don't know how they did it, and that's what the threat replegations are for. You want to know how they got those bangers to that location, and we're going to work out why.

This is Bristol Bangers part three. We need to work out what the hell we're doing in Bristol with Susan. We've got a pen test threat replication expert and she's kind of briefed us on what she does and we need to come up with a plan of how we're going to use her to work out the mechanics of how these perpetrators got away with this crime. Yeah. What are we doing, Lauren?

What are we doing in Bristol? We're just going to be carrying a bag of fucking 300. sausages or the equivalent weight of that and trying to fling it over a fence we're so going to get caught doing this. I know because it's going to mean a bag. Anything in a massive bin bag looks super dodgy. I know.

It's going to look like a dead body. Okay. Because also it needs to be the surface area of that many sausages. It can't be a small 20 kilo kettlebell. I've got a suggestion. The whole reason we're talking right now is we had to come up with our legends of what are we doing in this park.

and have a very valid reason of why I would casually, just casually be walking around with a bag. Bear with me, don't, like, judge it too quickly. I think, bear in mind, I'm going to just preface this. We're probably going to have a photographer or a videographer with us as well. So we need a reason not only for us three to be walking around slowly in a park with a massive bag of 20 kilo sausage-like stuff. We also need to obviously have a reason for a photograph.

photographer to be there, so I think I've just nailed it. I think I've nailed it. You might not be happy with what's required. I think we need to be birdwatches, Lauren. Oh no, Karen. What? We need to be birdwatchers. And this is the look that I've pulled for you. No, I'm not wearing this. We are going, we are going undercover bird watching. I've thought about this from every angle. It's the only way that makes sense for us to be staring. at a weird bush for ages. For us to have a photographer, they love to take photos of birds.

Oh, what have we got in our big bag? Bird seed. We've got a whole 20 kilo bag of birdseed. I think it's watertight, undercover birdwatching and telling you is the key. Do people birdwatch and netpack? Okay, thank you for asking that. So there's a little link in this deck,

which is there's been a whole new news articles where ornithologists have been going mad in the region of Bristol and the south-west, there's been a rare sighting of something called a blue robin quite recently. I think our story is if we get pulled aside by police asking what the fuck's in that bag. We're from the Bristol Birdwatching Society, and we've just heard there's been a recent sighting of the rare blue robin in this park. Here's the birdseed. You can have a look in the bag. It's just birdseed.

You need to go bird seed shopping is what I'm telling you. Wait, wait, wait, wait, you're getting really ahead of yourself. Let's just break this down for a second. First of all, you need to take a step back. I get that. It's a lot to unpack, yeah. Because I need to remember what Persia said, and she said, when something feels wrong, say no. I actually love...

It feels right. Yes. It feels right to me. But there are a few critical things, I think. We need to... Why would the photographer be taking photos of us rather than the birds? Are we going to dress as birds? We're not going to dress as birds.

I think it's just about framing... because it's going to be from a kind of wide lens. So I think it's more just like, oh, there could be a bird just beyond us, but no one will know from the distant angle. Okay, Karen, if I was a wildlife photographer, I would not use a wide-angle lens. I'd use a zoom lens. It's going to be very different.

It's not going to sink up with the story, the camera type. I don't think we need to piss on my parade. No, no, I've not. There's no pissing on parade because I think it's phenomenal. I'm just now trying to get it to be watertight, like you said it was earlier. I agree. I meant long lines. I meant long lines.

I meant long. Okay. Yeah. But are they going to be photographing us in the park for content? Yes. Because then someone's going to be like, you know, you're going to be like, oh, that's not the bird. That's not, normally you point the camera up to get the birds. I know, but there's bushes everywhere there. So it's just the blue robin loves to be on like eye level.

Eye level bushes. Does the blue robin fly low? Okay, yeah, I understand. Yeah. This is our phase one outfit, which actually has to work for phase two of the plan as well. And that's the only catch I'm going to flag. up front, but it's not that seamless arriving in birdwatching gear for what we

have to do next, but I think we can style it out. I think we can I think we can be birdwatching shake. Yeah, but you don't know what... But Karen, you know you can't wear your clown pants. You don't know what face do is yes. You can't wear your clown pants going birdwatching. Should I tell you about why bird watching outfits are going to be quite tricky for the next phase? Oh my God.

It's like a roller coaster? Yeah. So is that approved? No, because tell me what the next phase is and then I'll tell you if it's approved. because you've got to approve it. Either come up with a better idea now or approve this, I think, is the way. If I was Susan and I was receiving a proposal for a cover story, a legend,

I would say lean into what you know because that's going to make it authentic. I know nothing about birds. Her whole job is to be great at blagging. Yeah, she's good at it. I'm just a wee. I think so. What if someone asks me a question

about what birds have you seen today? I called a pigeon a seagulled last week. I was a bit tired but still Maybe you can just be really shy Because I think birdwatchers can be really shy We'll be like oh don't worry about her She's just a bit shy Oh I'm an introvert going birdwatching

You're an introverted ornithologist I just don't know how I'm going to blend in As an introverted birdwatcher You kind of look like a birdwatcher to me If I had to cast for a bird watcher I'd cast someone that looks like you I look nothing like any of these reference images And I'm not wearing those weird white pants

I've got brown pants though I do have brown pants Maybe I am a birdwatcher Maybe that is my alter ego. This will be another sort of coming of age story. Okay, so birdwatching is approved. Then it gets a little bit more complicated. Birdwatching's approved.

Next phase is we're going to go to this brewery. The brewery where the Meat Bros food truck was located just before the crime was committed. Can't work out what the event is that's on. I'll send you the link now. Well, I hope it's a bloody bird watching event because I think you're about to tell me we're going to the event in our bird watching outfits. going to the event in our bird watching outfits is the caveat I was very clear about. Why can't we have an outfit change? I think you're forcing this onto us and it doesn't need to be this way.

Why can't we just have a quick outfit change? Wardrobe change. What is a bird watching outfit really? I think you're worrying about nothing. I think it's like khaki pants or linen shirt maybe. Yeah, so what you wear usually. In your head it's a bird watching outfit puts it to other people's eyes. As soon as we put our bird logs away and the binoculars and no one will know.

It's a casual bird watching outfit. Not going to make you look like a caricature. Yeah, you're right. You dress it down, dress it up. Yeah, no, you're right, actually. This will blend in quite nicely. And it's the kind of place where dogs are allowed. It's a bit of an outdoorsy, like, very relaxed, chilled place that there's no clear dress code.

So we're like, oh, we just want to check if the Blue Robin has made an appearance of the brewery today. Is that what we're doing? I actually love the backstory. It's growing on me. Karen Flashes a news article to me. rare bird dubbed blue robins spotted in southwest. The pretty little birds are rarely seen in the UK. When do they migrate? What time of year?

I'm not an expert on the blue robin, Lauren. You're going to have to do some research yourself. If we're making a story watertight, we get there and someone's like, what are you doing? Bird watching, looking for the blue robin. They were like, it's hibernating for winter or whatever they do. They passed through the UK while migrating and when spotted a scene relatively near coastlines in spring and autumn. So we're closer to autumn.

They're shy and secretive birds, the RSPBC, flicking into the cover of a bush with a flash of their chestnut pale patches. Amazing. Oh, it's really pretty. It's actually really, it's quite a bird. Let's have a look. Whoa. With its unmistakable bright blue feathers, it was quickly identified as a blue throat.

According to local reports, there has been a blue throat in and around Wareham gravel pits for a few days. So that's in the county next to Bristol. Definitely wasn't sighted in the middle of Bristol. That's an amazing looking bird. It looks like it's being painted, blue, and yellow and red. I feel like it might be in April Fool's Day. I don't know. It just feels...

Oh no, 20th of April this was posted. Oh no, imagine if we fall for a prank. You can sort the bird seat out in the morning. Where the fuck am I going to buy 20 kilos of bird seat? That's not my problem. So, yes, Saturday, 9th of August, you get up at 9.30 to sauce weighted props for the bags. Why? What?

Whoa, I'm going to have to wake up at like eight. This is giving me flashbacks to when you make schedules for Helen when you go on holiday together. Okay, I'll get up, yeah, I'll source waiter props at 9.30, yeah. The clock is ticking. It's almost time to go to Bristol.

Nearly everything is in place. Our plan is bold yet simple. We will become birdwatchers and hidden in plain sight we will quietly replicate the crime. But before we leave, Three things need to happen. Step one. Somehow get Susan on board.

A real police officer, who has already agreed to come to Bristol, agreed for us to choose her legend and outfit. But what she doesn't know is what that outfit will be. I like that headset. It looks very official. It feels like you're calling from MI6. Yes. Am I, M1. Is it? MI6.

Oh my God. What's the other one? Am I. Are you calling from the motorway? Are you calling from the motorway? Can I give you some assistance? Yeah. Well, you're about to navigate some serious investigative traffic.

That's all I'm going to say. This is, I'm feeling pretty, pretty slick about what we're about to present to you. I mean, the people of Bristol are sort of counting on you for this one. I had a friend of ours over this weekend. She lives in Bristol and she has, she was like, oh yes, I was all over the Reddit when this happened. So she hopes. She's hoping for the, she's hoping for a soul. Oh, that's quite a bit of pressure you or just casually placing on us, Susan.

We can handle it. The people of Bristol care. Okay, so it is time. You gave us a little bit of a guide, Susan, about the threat to replication protocol. I've kind of loosely ignored point one and two and three, just because it felt like there was a lot more work to be done. So I feel like we've gone straight for like part four, which is let's get into the fun bit. Okay. Yeah, fair enough.

I've listed out our objectives for Saturday. We need to see if we can carry a bag of the equivalent weight of 300 sausages from the brewery to the dumping site. And I've got a heavy-duty bin bag, and Lauren is going to buy some weighted goods to put in the bin bag so we can test that. That's your action, Lauren. And we've worked out that it's 400 grams per packet, which is a 20-kil bag in total. It's quite hefty.

Who's going to do the actual swinging of the bag? I feel like Karen's the tallest, so she has the best league. I did actually do shopput for the Milton Keynes Athletics Club. I did javelin and discus, and I do have a PA degree, so I would say that I'm probably more qualified. Yeah. I actually think out of everyone, you are the one that could hoof a 20 kilo bag of sausages over a fence. You could have turned that into a compliment, but you turned it into an insult.

Whoever had this couldn't hoof a 20-kilogram bag over the two metre high. wall and then they panicked. Oh, the actual perpetrator is weak, physically weak. Well, yeah. I think maybe once we've done some testing, I think that will prove that if you could have over, we wouldn't be here because they'd have ended up in that yard. That yard would just be like, oh, this is weird,

and then bin them, and they wouldn't have ended up on Reddit. So I think, yeah, we're looking at someone who's not very good at throwing things. The slightly difficult part of this is I know when you did real police stuff, you had the sort of remit to be quite incognito. The slight snag to our plan is that we're doing this as a comedy podcast and we need to have someone creating, that capturing content of us. So we've got a photographer in the mix as well that needs to blend into the situation of us carrying a weighted 20-kgy bag

full of something. But I've got it. I've got a seamless plan for our legends. Okay. Karen's cracked it. Oh, God. I'm really stressed about how you're going to react to this, though. Susan, will you join us

Undercover birdwatching? Oh, yes. Amazing. Yeah, of course. Oh, bird watching. Why not? I've got the Merlin app and everything. Are you actually a birdwatcher? Are you a bird watcher? No, I just like to have the Merlin app

so when I hear a bird I can sort of tell the sounds. It's fun. I mean, I like birds. I think that's it. I think it blends in. Do we know if there are any specific birds locally that we're looking for? Is there something we're after?

Are we after a rare? Great question. Funny you should ask that, Susan, because there has been an incredibly rare sighting recently in the South West region. There's been a sighting of a blue robin in the area. And the bird watching community has got quite excited about this. Which is us. Yeah.

We are the community now the bird watching community. We are excited about the blue robin. That's it. given yourself a reason to be in the area, a reason to be taking photos, a reason to be using binoculars to, like, spy on things. I think this is great, and I think this is fantastic. I'm here for this. I will come and birdwatch with you. Yes. Do you have a good birdwatching outfit? My other half probably does, so I can probably steal some, because she has, like, not one, but at least two flat caps, so I'll borrow one of her flat caps. But wait, sorry, that flat cap thing,

I feel like you guys are like pushing the kind of like British birdwatcher onto me and I am not British. I just want you to just take into consideration that I am from New Zealand and I just don't want to be forced to be something I'm not. I don't know what do they wear in New Zealand to go birdwatching? Or they just wouldn't wear the British tweed hat, I don't think. No, I guess probably not. Maybe one of the cool sort of like forager type hats.

I'll rustle something out. Don't you worry, Susan. I trust you. Just to put all cards on the tape. I'm going for birdwatching chic. So I'm going for kind of like a spin on bird watching. I'm going to look quite elevated in my look. You're getting defensive, Lauren.

I am getting defensive. I feel like you're not supporting me very much in my approach to bird watching, bird watching chic. We don't want to limit who you are in birdwatching. Susan and I are really supportive of you finding your look. We want you to be yourself. We're going to pause here for an ad break. Reality of the business, am I right?

But before we do, quick fun fact. These ads enable us to keep on investigative. non-crime crimes. We know you might feel a strong temptation to skip the ads. But if you like us and you like our show, you will resist. Yes, this is a bribe. The best way you can support the show is to listen to the ads and not skip them. Thank you, dear listeners.

Karen, quiz time. Have you noticed anything specific about my face? That you look a little bit like a wombat and that you wear the same pair of glasses all the time? Yes, the second part is correct. But that's because I buy my glasses from a place and the glasses cost 150 euros, which is around $160 for a new pair. And I don't feel like blowing that kind of cash constantly.

Yeah, I have heard one bucks can be a bit tight. Anyway, I found this brand that's called Zeni. It's prescription glasses, sunglasses, all customizable, and Framstar under $30 US. So I just ordered the ultimate bad cop glasses, thick, square black frames that will hopefully intimidate the next suspect we interrogate. Sounds pretty good to me. Honestly, it was extremely easy to order these.

I just filtered by best reviewed. Tested out around 20 pairs on my face using the virtual tri-on tool. Then when I decided which ones I liked, I uploaded a screenshot of my prescription, which it automatically filled out, chose my lenses and ordered. I just hope these glasses make you look smarter as well. Glasses always make you look smarter. Debateable. Upgrade today with Zeni.

Go to Zeni.com slash podcast. Use code podcast 15 for 15% off your first order, plus free shipping on your OS orders over $65. Style sell out, so don't sit on it. Zinny. That's Z-E-N-N-I.com slash podcast. Code Podcast 15. So I think you should try out Zinie.

Maybe I will try them out. Not you, Karen. Glasses up, actually part of your look. Lauren, what do you see when you look at yourself in the mirror? I see bravery. I see strength. I see greatness. Yeah, cool.

I see all those things, but I also see someone that needs an anti-aging skin routine. Oh, okay. So I'm going to go online and I'm ordering us each an OS-1. face moisturizer and eye cream from One Skin. It's a cream that smooths and ferns so we can finally sort those bags out that are under your eyes. Bit of a slip. The thing is, one skin is a brand I genuinely really rate. I've heard such great things about their products and I love the brand story because it was founded by four completely super nerdy PhD scientists. They figured out that visible skin aging happens when certain cells stop working the way they should and begin affecting

the healthy cells around them. So instead of just topical treatments that work on the surface of the skin, these PhD scientists developed this peptide named OS1, which targets those deeper dysfunctional cells. And OS1 is the foundation of every product they make. So do you think that this OS1 thing could make us less dysfunctional? No, I do not. Born from over 10 years of longevity research, One Skin is helping you unlock your healthiest skin now and as you age. For a limited time, try OneSkin with 15% off using code WhoShat at OneSkin.co slash whoshat. That's 15% off. on OneSkin.co with code WhoShat?

After you purchase, they'll ask you where you heard about them. Please tell them that we sent you. It's honestly the best way you can support our show. I say one, you say skin. One. Skin.

One. Skin. Well done. Just thinking a little bit about the bag. So we've got our heavy duty bin bag full of many items that will weigh approximately how many 20 kilos

or how much it is. 20 kilos, yeah, approximately. They're also a bit smaller the bags that I bought than I intended to buy. But then I think I should bring some weights, some actual weights. So what to put in the bag? Yeah. I mean, I would just be careful if they were metal, only just because if you're hoofing this thing over the wall and maybe you accidentally don't get it over or it falls back

onto. There's a child in the way. That's one of us. It's one of us. Do we have insurance, Karen? I don't want Lauren to get clocked out by a load of, well, whatever we've, whatever she's shoving in the bag. If you knock yourself out and end up in A&E in Bristol on a Saturday night

because you clocked yourself out when you were doing an undercover bird watching operation. Yeah. I'm just worried that might happen. I hit myself in the head with a rubbish bag filled with weights and covered with bird food. It's a concern. But why is it being hit in the head? I'm really agile. Because you're throwing a bag.

We're going to stand away. If I throw it up and it's coming back towards me, I'll move. I'll move away. I'm really fast. It might hit your head. It's probably more likely to hit one of your heads. We don't need to get a little hard hat for you. Oh my God, hard hat.

Yeah. Safety goggles. All the safety goggles on in high viz as well. Knee pads. You know, in terms of all the things that you've done for this podcast over the years, this like might be the most dangerous stunt in terms of like your own physical safety. Well, I'm so glad you're here. It might be.

Oh, God. Step two. Brief Sam, our photographer. who also has no idea what he is about to walk into. Anything could happen this weekend. Anything could happen and you could be a part of that anything. Amazing, yeah. Sam, do you like birds?

Yeah. What, am I dressing up as one or something? I don't know. It's not that bad. It's definitely not that bad. Would you describe yourself as a bird watcher? I'm in my mid-30s now. So, like, the bird watching sort of is, yeah, I've already felt it.

like coming a little bit. Yeah. I'm currently in sort of Henley and there's loads of red kites around. So, yeah, I'm just noticing them more and more. So it is coming. But yeah, I'm not going to say I'm a full bird watcher yet. But you felt the pull. We've all felt the pull.

We've all felt the pull. And this is going to be a massive push to where you need to go. This task, this photography briefing is not just a pull. It's a push into very strong birdwatching. Are you really to be fast-tracked to that? This feels like I'm going to be tipped over the edge now, so yeah. So yeah, basically we're just going to go to St Jude's Park and we're going to dress up as birdwatchers

pretending to look for a rare bird that's been sighted in the southwest called the Blue Robin and you're going to be the photographer needing to take photos of us undercover swinging a bag over a fence. There's about 20 kilos that looks like it could have been holding sausages. But you've got to make sure that you're looking like you're taking pictures the birds are not us swinging the bag. And also there's a slight snag as the expert that we've got doesn't want to be photographed because she needs to stay anonymous.

So yeah, you're going to have to look like you're photographing birds in the sky, but actually you're photographing us on the ground and you can't frame to include one of our faces. Is that clear? And do you have any questions? Do I? Yeah. Sam the photographer is clear on.

on the plan. So on to the final piece of the planning puzzle. Okay, at 6.32pm. I need to leave for Bristol in 28 minutes. I have a surprise plan for this weekend. I have decided that there needs to be a change in our unqualified detective agency, a change that Karen has no idea about yet. I'm not sure if you have noticed, it's been quite subtle, but Karen has been thriving recently. There are some obvious issues with her performance, but generally she's been doing a very good job, especially on this case. Karen has single-handedly developed the leading theory and potentially may be the reason we crack this case. Meanwhile, I have contributed very little and I find that approach quite relaxing. There is a chance that we get there this weekend and find out that

Karen's theory is completely wrong, but at least she tried. And yeah, I've realised something. She doesn't just deserve a thank you. It's time. she received the recognition she deserves. So it's happening. This weekend, I am formally promoting Karen from assistant to the detective to assistant detective. And I'm not just saying it with words. I'm going to say it with her favourite thing in the entire world.

Personalised props. In my suitcase right now I have two things. A purple sash and a gold badge. Both of them reading the same words. Karen Whitehouse, Assistant Detective. Now I need to keep this completely under wraps. I have to somehow squeeze this into Karen's horrifically tight schedule. It's planned to the second.

The only feasible slot I can see right now is Sunday morning at 7 o'clock. As per the schedule, I should be sleeping at that time. But instead, I'm going to slip out of bed early as quietly as I can, since we're sharing a twin room for some reason. I'm going to attach my mic, probably in the bathroom. Then I'm going to frighten the shit out of her, wake her up and immediately promote her. Please note there will be no financial compensation with his change in title.

Anyway, that's that. Hopefully I won't regret this. Okay, so it is 745. I'm in a taxi in the back of a cab in London, and I'm about to head to Paddington. I have literally no idea what I'm doing with my life. I'm heading to Bristol to meet up with Detective Lauren Kilby. I'm going to see if we can sneak in undercover to a park,

dressed as birdwatchers, trying to replicate what we think the actual criminals did, flinging a 20-kilo bag full of sausages over a fence, missing and putting it in a park. I'm a 40-year-old woman. I went to university, and this is where my life has brought me to this moment. Flinging a bag of sausages in a park in Bristol, dressed as a bird watcher.

I have given Detective Lauren Kilby one task, which is to buy some bird seed to put in the bags. Not sure if she's done that or not. I'll be having words at 10.30 when I arrive at the hotel if she has not. 50 a.m. My alarm just went off and I'm going to snows for another hour. A bit Lauren's still sleeping. I'm up at the crack of dawn, but she hasn't

got her bird seed. I'm at Paddington Station. Cat form 8. Almost about to miss my train. Do-da-do, upgrade to first class. On a business. Drinking champagne on

the train. I wonder if we get breakfast in first class. Maybe I won't do first class. I feel bad. Next station call, very surely is Bristol, tell the base. Bristol town means that our next station. Okay.

Let's go find Detective Lauren Kilby. I'm coming for you. Bristol is not ready for what we're about to do. Can I go to the Futures Inn? Hello Detective Lauren Kilby. What? I said hello Detective Lauren Kilby. My volume was right down.

Sorry, good morning. Good morning. What is the room number, please? Why, are you there? I'm like one minute awake. Oh, fat. I'm not there. Fox sick. Okay, well, I am actually like two minutes away, but I was going to go to Prude.

You've got 15 minutes to get your shit together. I'm a bit loosey-goosey with my very tight schedule, so that's okay. I'm relaxed about it. It's 13 past 10. I've got 17 minutes I'm not low Cigote I'm efficient with my time Okay well I'm here now

So I'm going to drop my bag off And then come and find you Okay Room 4-15 You definitely didn't splurge on this Did you? No nothing but the best for you Here's that room

I was going to the wrong one Welcome to our room Karen here's your beard Here's mine What the fuck is that What the hell is this Oh, that's mine. That's my bird watching fest.

Okay, I'm just for the listeners. I'm holding up that was on the back of the chair. First thing I saw when I walked in, it's like a life vest, a thin life vest with multiple pockets. Is it a fishing jacket? It's none of your business is what it is. It's a fishing jacket, yeah. Oh my God, you look so alarming.

I've never seen a birdwatcher wear that. Is this not birdwatcher? This is the least blending in. You look like it's a life vest. It's not like this, it's not puffy. It looks like you can pull a cord and it's the thing that you get under a seat on the plane but just the wrong colour. I get it that it's like camouflage colour.

Has it got a whistle? That's got a little tweezers. Yeah it's just in case you need to cut the fishing line. And this is my bird food that I brought over from Amsterdam. It's organic bird food, two and a half kilos. So that is very useful. I've got Balaclava, I've got some handcuffs, I've got some aviators that I think came from a strippers police outfit. And I feel ready and I've got some industrial rubble bags.

So these are meant to hold rubble so they're really strong. Have you got your weighing scales? I've got my weighing scales. People have a lot of questions about what our relationship is when they're cleaning the room. A fishing trip. What a balaclava? It's just run. It's really. It looks like we're into some real. Real kinky shit. And they'll be like, why'd they need two separate beds for that?

Once not enough of what we've got plans. First, know what I mean? Has someone been fishing in an out of bounds area? This is a restricted fishing zone. May I measure your trout to ensure that it fits the guidelines? Do you genuinely think I look fishing? Oh no, birdwatching shake. Like a little bit?

Absolutely not chic. No. Like a little bit chic. bit chic. No, I can wear that fucking chalet and look chic. So I've got binoculars. Just to look like more of a pervert. Oh my God, you're carrying fake

sausages that look like biscuits and binoculars. You do look like a perv. You look like a raging purve. I haven't even got dressed in my outfit yet. I'm just wearing my normal face. You normally look like a perv though, I think. It's okay. It's all going to be okay. I promise.

Okay. I'd love what I brought lipstick with me just in case. You never know. You never know what? You never know what? Do you think I should wear your trousers? You could try them, yeah. They'll probably be too short for you, but that could be quite funny. Funny for me at least.

So I think that actually looks quite good. The hat? Because you said I looked like I was like picking flowers. No, I said you looked like Paddington Bear, which you still do. You just look like Paddington Bear going fishing now. Is this shake? Lauren. You look like you're in a Wes Anderson movie.

I can't let you go out like that. It's about blending in. Well, don't roll you. your eyes at that. That was advice from the boss. I know, but we're going birdwatching in a park where no one goes bird watching, so we're already not blending out. It's not getting so spicy. I don't know what this relationship is, but

yeah. It's not normal. Can I brush your hair? Oh, no, no, no, you can't brush my hair. You need to brush it. No, it's fine. Karen ushers me over to the window to do a photo shoot. And yes, you can see this on our Instagram page at Hoosha on the floor at my wedding. Just look at me? I'm standing tall,

holding the binoculars looking directly at the camera, but she's not happy yet. with the setup. Can you spread him? She asks me to spread him and I immediately spread my legs in a wide stance. Spread them. But turns out she meant for me to spread the binoculars. Oh my god, I'm crying.

This is no okay. I can't look at you right now. Don't look at me. Okay, okay, okay, okay, I can. This is, I'm already hysterical. We haven't even started. I think photo shoes over. Foto shoes over.

You made it way too wet. Oh my God. that's enough. I put 2.5 kilos of organic bird seed in my bag. I couldn't find a pet store around the hotel when I looked. So I had to bring it from Amsterdam. I had to Google, can you take 2.5 kilos of bird seed into the UK from the EU? Let's not forget, I don't live in your country. You have your own rules now, thanks to Brexit. And I now risked having my whole bag seized at customs. I'm really sorry. So now we have two and a half kilos of organic bird food and then the rest of the props is going

to be water. It's going to explode. You've got sparkling water. Because I like sparkling water. Yeah, I know if it's going to explode. That sparkling water is going to explode if we fling it. Should I not have got sparkling? I'm just rethinking whether bottled water is the right thing to fling over a fence.

Okay Karen, I'm going to place the first bottle of water in. Yep. And then that's two kilos. You can bottle of water. Four kilos. Sorry, I shouldn't. Yeah, that's actually quite. Four, six.

Still know my two times table, still got it. Still got it. I keep on saying that, eight. You've said that in the last three episodes. Oh, this is, I feel like it's bag stretching already. Fuck, it's really heavy. Yeah. And I think...

There's no way you can fling that over a fence. That's madness. It's so heavy. It's heavy than I was expected. Nine. Ten. Oh shit. This bag's gonna break. Is that breaking?

Yeah, I don't think it's gonna hold. Oh yeah, it's breaking already. Put it whole thing in, let's just test it. Oh shit! Oh no! Oh I'm so sorry, did I get your feet? No, no. There's no way that wood holds... That bag just broke. There's no way they put that many sausages in one bag.

We've seen a picture of a heavy duty bin liner and we got the witness statement that said there's a clear, uh, big bag as well. big bag as well. There's no way 20 kilos would fit in that one black bin liner as we've just shown it had to be in two bags which we know there were two bags at the scene of the crime. Yeah. So I think we're going to have to do this in two. Oh God, that's here be. Shall I see what the blue robin sounds like? Yeah. Just some really, really pretty robins. Look at the coloured bush robin. How pretty that is. Yeah, it's nice. It's pretty. Blue throat. What? It's called a blue throat. It's not even called the blue robins. It's not even called the blue robin. It's dubbed as the blue robin, but its technical name is the blue throat.

Oh, that's really loud, Karen, turn that down. Lovely, isn't it? It just sounds like any other bird. The calls. Oh, this is an alarmed female, a bit like you. What's it doing? It's an alarmed female after being flushed from a nest. Okay, that's sad. Let's not flush any from nests.

What would you say if you're an Uber driver and you've got two customers with, like, really heavy been liners getting into your car dressed like we are. I would assume there was a body, or body parts at least, in those bags. Have you got the sausages? I think so, yeah. Karen, why? Why do we do this? Why is this our lives?

There's no point to any of this. Uber's it. It's over time. It's we're just going to do some bird watching. It's the worst weather for it. It's Uber time. It's over time. And so it begins.

And so it begins. You want the area? Yeah, this is great. Yeah, the area, great. Absolutely. The area. Because you say the left, the left. It's not car.

Thank you so much, sir. Wish us luck with the birds. We're going to go see some birds. Okay. Oh, yeah. This is all feeling very familiar. There's a bin there. There's a bin there.

Couldn't get this in there though. No one's going to be in the park because it's raining, which is good. It's actually perfect. It's perfect undercover birdwatching. undercover bird watching weather. Oh, I can hear some birds. Karen, that sounded like the blue robin being ejected from its nest.

So we're now approaching the crime scene. Oh my God, look over there, Karen. Look. By the crime scene. There's a bird. A robin. It's literally a European robin. Bird detected.

This crime scene is really dodgy. It is 158 on Saturday, the 29th of August. We are in St. Peels Park in Bristol. It's a Peel's green space. We're standing by the crime scene and looking at a grey metal fence with spikes on the top. And in the corner there's a wall covered with graffiti and barbed wire over it. It's a very small wall actually. I'm taller than it. I've got a clear view over the top of it at eye level. We're waiting for Susan who was about to arrive imminently to conduct the threat replication exercise. There is a taxi that is not her taxi that just went past.

And I'm standing here with Detective Lauren Kilby and our photographer who is called Sam. Can we call you Sam? Called Sam and he's wearing a camouflage jacket. And we all look really legit. And if you would like to see our undercover birdwatching outfits and specifically my fishing best, you will find them on Instagram at who's out on the floor at my wedding. Anything else to add, Lauren? Not really.

What are we about to do, your lead detective? We're about to conduct a threat replication exercise in our legends, and our legends are birdwatchers hence why I'm wearing a fishing vest We are going to Karen is dressed in Some black boots Brand

Barber Barba black boots Barber jacket I'm hearing quite a few birds That is for sure Oh who's there I see Oh my God there she is I think there's another bird watcher

That's just arriving Oh that looks like a bird watcher That's come into the park just now Oh yeah Hi how are you doing You're from the Bristol bird watching society aren't you yeah nice to meet you yeah great yeah can we just do a little description of Susan's look so yeah looks good very legit she's arrived she's got a nice

blue cap she's got a waterproof coat very practical for this rainy day a backpack full of bird seed and I'm sure what else bird bird guides yeah bird guides definitely we've gone for a neutral sort of beige cargo pants jeans love the fishing the fishing jacket just keep keep doing bird things throughout our conversation oh is she agree, Lauren, is that what we should do? Well, you're looking down, not up. I'm looking up? Who watches look up? Well, they're actually looking vicious as well sometimes.

We notice that the location directly beside the crime scene is a septic tank slash waste disposal business with a lot of large sewagey things that look suspiciously like large bins. Oh no. What? Don't look. Another security camera, quite high up. quite no no no in the um in the septic tank

yeah sewage septic tank place oh it's a controllable one as well is it pointing our way it just moved it just moved it genuinely just moved yeah it genuinely just moved yeah someone who's in there interesting oh my god they're actually scanning it's moving they're scanning does that mean they're looking

if someone's operating that right as we speak someone could be operating it yeah it doesn't necessarily mean they're in there though could be like a remote one a lot of companies have like no we're going to have to get hell out of here shortly. Why? Why can't we be here with a couple of bit bags? Yeah, this is also one of the like a thing you can use as tests. Like they've spotted us. They haven't asked any questions. Are they coming? And then you can wow them with your bird knowledge. What's the name of the bird we're seeing?

Pedgeon. What's your name? Lauren. No, it's not. It's scanning towards us now. Yeah, I think I'm going to move this way a little bit. One of our main objective missions was to see if we we could fling a bag over the fence, I think we can rule out that that is necessary. I think you absolutely, yeah, because you're 100% good if you wanted to do. I think what you would do, because the fact that it fell down, if the bag was thrown from this side, I think the person kind of tried to hoist it up. It got stuck on the barbed wire, and then it dropped, and all the sausages filled out, and then they ran. Yep.

I'll show you, I'll show you what I mean. Yeah, I feel like you can demonstrate this. Can we take a video? Because this is really heavy. So they would be like, oh, okay, yeah, septic tank, septic tank. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Not saying the barbed wire because it's dark. Yeah, although there is a straight.

Oh, that's a really good point, actually. And there's vines. And the vines are over it, yeah. The vines and the trees. Mm-hmm. Throw it over, it catches, drops. Yeah. Shit, the sausages.

Run! Run! Yeah. that is what's happened. I think you've nailed that. So I think they came with the intention to dump it in where they thought might have been bins or might have been an area to get away from stuff. But why would you not have just left it in the corner anyway? Because there's no difference in a nook anyway. What's the benefit of putting it over a wall? Or at least they might get found here. Maybe they felt slightly guilty. Maybe they felt as they were doing this, this is wrong. I can't

just shove it in the corner. I must try and dispose of this as a responsible catering person. Guys, the babbed wire looks like trades. It does. At night it would definitely look like trees. I think that was great detective work. Detective LK. I think that's a wrap. Do you want it to be a wreck? I don't, I feel like there's not much else that we can assess from looking at a corner of a park. Yeah. We've got to do the route. We've got to see how they got here.

Yeah. Should we, um, go to the brewery? Yeah. So we, so we replicate that walk? I think we should. Should we walk there? I think we should decant the weight. Yes. No, no. I think we should see if you get tired doing it. Because I think it's potentially two people. If there's two bags. Do one of you want to try to carry both? Just if we can rule out, it's one person. I can do that. If we get five minutes on the road.

It's my bag. It's too much. It's too much. Because this is it, we can rule out a single person job this way. Being the strongest and toughest of our group, I put myself forward to be the person to conduct the weight test. We need to find out if it's physically possible for one person to carry two 10 kilo bags full of sausages between the crime scene and the brewery. It just looks like a crazy bag, lady. It looks fucking mental.

She's literally watching just filming. No one walking away on her own wearing a fishing vest, carrying two 10-kilob bags, bin bags that look like they've got body parts in it. It's heavy, it's heavy. Come on then. So how far is Wiper? I'm hungry. It's about five, ten minute walk.

Okay, that's fine. No, no, I'm doing both. The whole way? Yeah. Well, try to. You don't need to be a hero, Lauren. It's not a hero. We're doing a threat replication.

I think it is. I think when you get to the point where you're like, actually, this is fucking ridiculous. No one would do this. Then you stop because. Because then we know. No, no one's going to do this. Can we just do bets?

How long is Lauren going to last? I think she's pretty strong. I'm going to time it. I reckon at least halfway out of sheer like just pettiness. Okay. I'm going to put a time wrong for how long I think you're going to last. And what about Sosa? Should we agree on it?

Come over here? It's very fair, yeah. What do you think, Sam? So five minutes. Oh. Oh. You just cut that. So Susan and I thought we'd be quite kind and give her eight minutes.

It should last carrying 20 kilos into bin liners. And then Sam, our photographer, decided to reduce that to five minutes and 30. So let's see. Right. Time starts now. This way, right? I'm already quite tired. It's actually quite heavy.

It's 20 kilos. Sam, you might have made a good decision. Because it's not an easy thing to carry. No. Because it's so bulky. Yeah. And there's no handles. Exactly.

I don't think anyone would be walking with this. This does seem insane. It really does. You've got to try. Better try. I'd approve it. The second minute of this exercise. See how long she can last.

How are you feeling, Lauren? I'm sweating. Can I put them down for one sec? No, then we have to stop the timer. I think that's fair because, again, you might do it and get your second win. So yes, Lauren, you may drop the bags. Okay. Can I just take it to your heart?

The fingers, the fingers that really hurt. Like that, I wait. I don't want you taking photos of my body parts. I want to see how raw they are. That's my body. How you doing there? Okay. Good.

You've been a bit quiet. Yeah, I haven't. I'm preserving my energy. Do you need to massage you as in Ward? No. Don't touch me. You actually shouldn't touch me. How far?

How long? Are we nearly there? Sorry, can I just say the alarm, the timer is officially gone off? so Detective Lauren Filbius. That's enough. I drop the bags. It's my hands? It's the fingers. The fingers can't handle it.

It's okay. It's like you don't have to do this. Like this is part of it. How long have I walked for? Five minutes and 30 minutes. Five minutes and 30 seconds. I don't think it's possible to continue unless you're wearing heavy, duty glance. Which they probably wouldn't be because they're catering people.

Oh. You've not got another form. So I massage your hands. That there. Thanks. This exercise proves that the two people carried the sausages with one bag each, or more likely that they had a car,

which now that we hear, we realise that we probably could have figured that out without coming to Bristol. I'm sitting the street with a threat replication expert and a slash pentess expert, a photographer, and I'm massaging detective's arm looking really weird, and it's gone all floppy, and her hands all floppy, and it's just a weird moment, really, isn't it, for everyone?

I like it. No one's wanting to look at us. Even the people we're hit with, do I want to look at us? I still cannot. believe that you've infiltrated high security buildings on crutches. I think about that so often. Oh, here's the sign for the brewery. Oh, here we are. And so we need to assess the bins to see if there were no bins there, makes sense for them to get rid of the stuff somewhere else. This is nice. It's lovely. Bins galore. Bins everywhere. Bins d. I just want to say that I'm standing in the middle of a road,

now and I'm looking around I can count four bins. Not only can we identify four massive unlocked bins extremely close to the venue. Bin. Bins. But we even found the ultimate bin. Food waste. It says food waste on the bin. A food waste bin that is less than five seconds from the venue.

This is the bin the perpetrators should have used. Why did the perpetrators not use this bin? So why didn't that? That is the question. What have we learned from our undercover threat replication exercise in the park and brewery? One answer would be not much. The other answer is that we uncovered three critical learnings. Number one, two bags were used to carry the sausages before they were dumped.

Number two, the meat bros drove from the brewery to the park to dump the sausages. There is no way they walked unless one of them was a bodybuilder with incredibly strong hands. Number three, the perpetrators were haunted by guilt. Let's be really clear. Detective Karen Whitehouse's theory is correct that they cared about the sausages too much to throw them away. Yep. Detective Karen.

The brewery was surrounded by bins, so disposal should have been simple, but they couldn't bring themselves to waste sausages. The sausages were expired so they couldn't go to humans, so they attempted to give them to the foxes. But the moment they stepped into the park,

something changed. The guilt set in. They turned to the septic tank area to try and make the evidence disappear. They attempted to hurl the bag over the fence, not seeing the barbed wire. The bag split. The sausages spilled out.

And in one split second, their attempt at a cover-up became a crime scene. Do you know what? I think listening back to what Nora Holford said, she's, if anyone's deserving of a promotion, she basically was like, it would be me that she would choose. She didn't say that at all. She said it applies to both of us that neither of us are getting a promotion.

I was more on the same page as... There's no page to be honest. So you think you deserve a promotion? To what? I just thought that if she had to choose, if she literally gun to head, had to choose, I think if she would choose me to promote. What promotion do you think you deserve? Head of intelligence.

Head of intelligence. Yeah, you're not getting that. As this Saturday comes to an end, one can only question, was any of it necessary? Well, I'll tell you what. Sharon and I now have clear, corroborated evidence of how this crime was committed, and tomorrow morning at brunch,

we intend to present all of it to the meat bros, calmly and thoroughly, and they have no idea it's coming. Good night, Karen. It's the next. next morning. 729 a.m. Put that on.

Oh my God, this is really intense, Lauren. Put that on. Is it recording? It's recording. It's 7.30. I'm in my pajamas. Karen. Are you recording yourself? Why are you recording me?

This is really sick. I'm recording me. Karen. Did you just take the Tazcans into the bathroom and then come out? So I don't like what's happening right now. I've got something to say. Oh, my God. This is, I've never.

Never sharing a room with you ever again. No, Karen, this is good. I've got to read it because I'm quite tired, so I can't remember what I wrote. Karen, watching you grow. What's happening? Watching you grow over the past five years has been an honour. I have seen you tested and I've seen you rise every single time. You are committed to me.

I feel like I'm proposing to you. I'm proposing to me. Are these wedding vows? Okay. Whatever happens, I don't want Helen to know about this. It feels like she shouldn't know. No, she'll have to know. You're committed to me, to our detective agency,

and whatever the hell we are choosing to do with our lives. And I want you to know that this commitment, your commitment... Are you giving me jewelry? Has not... Jewelry. I want you to know that this commitment, your commitment has not gone unnoticed.

On this case that we're in... investigating right now, you have done it all. Today we may find out that everything we've done is completely wrong. If that sausage turns out to be not a porky light, however, regardless of the outcome, I want you to know that I'm incredibly proud to be standing beside you physically. By hovering over my bed. I'm hovering over you in bed.

Structurally and hierarchically, I'm still above you. I thought you were just about to promote me to lead to detective. if you were messing with my emotions. It is with love and the sign-off of no HR department that I present you with, effective immediately, a promotion

from assistant to the detective to assistant detective. I don't fucking want it. I've been assistant detective the whole time. What? You haven't got me a sash. Congratulations, Karen. Do you want to put it on?

Oh, it's sparkly. You can't then give yourself a lead detective sash when this was meant to be my moment. I did just get myself a bitch just in case. That's really kind. Thank you for recognising everything. I think if you're going to sync up with what your speech was about, temporarily I should be detective on this case, is what you're saying? Because I, what was that you said? I've developed the whole theory.

Okay. You can be laid detecta on this case. It's absolutely fine. It's definitely doable. temporarily. But I'm sick and I just have temporarily your sash then

and your badge. One, my badge says Lauren Kilby and that's not your name. I feel like you're not accepting this promotion or something. But I've always been assistant detective.

You haven't always been assistant detective. But we've never been on the same page about that. Okay, so maybe it's more about me recognizing you. And do you know what? Let me just give you,

now I've woken up a bit. Thank you. Yeah. because actually even though this isn't a big step for me it's actually a massive step for us and for you yeah and the way you see me yeah exactly i feel a scene and i see you if you ever appear out of the bathroom waking me up at 7.30 in the morning on a sunday and slide slowly while staring in my eyes slide over a microphone just gently lean over me and attach the microphone to my pyjamas and then stand hovering over my bed,

delivering a speech, I would really appreciate some warning. Basically, I got, I was really excited because I was ready for you to promote me to co-detective then. So, like, oh, no. That's how you built it up. Oh. We can review in sex months. I don't you. This is where H.R. would have actually genuinely become...

coming quite handy. Today is a really massive day that we have the chance to confront the actual perpetrators of a real crime and we have the chance to ask them directly to their faces

if they're responsible for flight at thing in Bristol. And we're protected under the journalistic rights to actually go in quite hard. What do you mean? Well, we've got

journalistic protection because this is actually an investigation. We're like investigative journalists and you get a lot of protection as investigative journalists. Protection from who? Being sued or like... So it's the first time actually I feel like we shouldn't be so nicey-nicy anonymous anonymously and just ask them quite outright. We've got an hour and a half at an undercover brunch and we're going to the HQ for the HQ of this restaurant. They've got multiple restaurants around the country. We've got an opportunity to actually meet the people that own this company

that might be there today. I don't know if they're going to be there, but if they are, I think we have to just actually pull them aside and say, look, we're recording right now. Do you have any comment? Because we've been investigating something that happened. And all the parts have been leading to your food truck. That you fly tipped 300 sausages,

a value of £185 purchase price, $250 retail price. Can we ask you a few questions about this? Because, yeah, it's not looking good for you. Yeah. But that's only, we can only do that once we cut open that sausage

and reveal that it's a porky light. Up next on Bristol Bangers Part 4. I reckon in 28 minutes we will be cutting into a porky light. It's a grey, dreary Sunday. morning people are just going about their business little do they know the shit's about to hurt shit is about to hurt it's getting a bit panicky now I'm getting panicky no it's okay sh sh Sharon I've got cables falling out you're just going a branch Sharon you're just having a nice branch with your business partner hi there we've got a

reservation at 1045 for Sharon he absolutely clocked our mics 100% he looked down he knows we're wearing mics that child is watching me You're freaking out. You just need to be ready. I am ready. It's gonna be go time any second. Yeah. Karen, get ready.

He's coming over. You're gonna have to pivot. I think you should do that. Okay, yeah. Because we need to run. Because he's now on ever. He's on ever. Sharon.

Sharon. We need to talk. You've dragged me to an alleyway to have a chat with me. You cannot. No, I know. That was honestly... It's not how I wanted to end this.