WHOA That's Good Podcast - Finding the Right Someone: How to Navigate Relationships Pt 1

Episode Date: February 10, 2021

Author and pastor Ben Stuart wrote the book on how to have a successful relationship — literally! Sadie and Christian started their relationship off on the right foot thanks to Ben’s book, "Single, Dating, Engaged, Married: Navigating Life and Love in the Modern Age." Ben talks through a few signs that your relationship may be heading in the wrong direction, not looking to other people for what you can only get from God, and the purpose of singleness and how it can be a gift. Ben and Sadie also discuss finding the right someone the right way and why sex is like a fire. Then, Sadie and Christian take a call from a listener to give her some advice on staying positive in a negative world. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, I'm just gonna tell you that this podcast is gold. If you are struggling in any season of relationships, single dating and gauge married, this is for you. I couldn't stop asking bin questions. And because I couldn't stop asking bin questions, we went a little longer than we normally do. So we're gonna break this end to two parts. And so let's just call it a Valentine's Day,

two part special with Ben Stewart. Y'all, this book is insane. I mean, he wrote this book years ago. It's not even like promoting the book. This is just like, it's so good. I want all of you to read it. But if you haven't read it yet, or even if you have, there is so much here

that I know you're gonna learn from and be encouraged by, so give it a listen. What's up, fam? Ben, I'm so excited that you are on the podcast. This has really been a long time coming because I've had a million questions to ask you, even though I feel like you've already answered all my questions because of this book. So I'm super honestly so thankful for this book. I've told you that so many times.

You know, we gave this book away to like 2000 people because we just love the words in that book. But just backstory for people who don't know. I know you've heard this a few times. For people who don't know, you know, you used to lead breakaway ministries in Texas. Let's go or next forever. Let's go. And I used to listen to your podcast. I had the breakaway app and Christian also did before we met. So anyways, we meet Christian and I start DMing all this stuff.

And Christian sends me this DM and he says, say, you know, I think I'm gonna need your number because for some reason the link I want to send you to this sermon I want you to watch won't go through Instagram DMs which was so slow. So I'm like, weird and I'm kind of happy about it. So I send him my number through the DMs and the very first thing Christian sent me if you scroll all the way up to the very top of our text is your message single-tating engage married. So this message before even really we read the book we listen to your sermons on it and then you know the book also impacted our life so much. So I know that's not the only thing you've done You're also a pastor at passion city DC. Let's go. Yeah, so many fun things and you and Donna are just great people

So super excited to have you on the podcast. Well, thank you, Sadie. It's awesome be here with you It's been so fun to watch you and Christian do all that you're doing for the sake of young people and the name of Jesus so inspiring and you know when I wrote the book and the talks it was really just trying to do my best to help a young generation navigate relationships well and so to know that we got to play a part in y'all success story, I'm like, oh, that's great. That was the hope, you know, it's like, man, if I can help bring some clarity

into a confusing world, that's a win for me. So I love it. I love it. And it was so cool too, because I really knew that Christian was using that book as a guide, like funny enough, because I was reading it too, and he was reading it. I was noticing, like, you're doing exactly what we're reading it too and he was reading it. I was noticing like

you're doing exactly what we're reading but I didn't mind it. I was like that's if you're going to do anything like you're reading something or watching something I would hope it would be this book and so you know we need that we need a guide I think especially nowadays we have a lot of different guides we have like the bachelor and all these different shows that are giving us this idea of relationship. That's not rooted in a biblical principle and you gave us that and you're super real. Like you're super relatable and I think that's probably

cause you spend a lot of time with college students. You know college, you kind of go back to when you were that age, it's not like you're just saying all this stuff. It's so relatable to where we're at. And you and Donna said a great example. She's awesome. By the way, at passion after passion at like two in the morning, me and her were like drinking a milkshake, having the best conversation. I love it. Well, and me and your man, we're doing a interview with Shelley. That was really fun too I know so excited. Well, let's get to the question that I ask everybody before we get to the book

What is the best piece of advice that you've ever been given man? I know big Just drop it. I would say Existence over occupation. And here's what I mean by that. Right when I graduated college, I had this crisis of like, what am I supposed to do? And I got this job that I'm like, am I doing the right thing? And am I, and I had a mentor tell me,

he's like, Ben, you need to figure out why you exist before you figure out what you're gonna do. And then he dropped on me. He's like, Ben, I exist to walk with God. And he was grabbing that from Colossians, all things exist by him and for him. He said, so Ben, I exist for God. And my work is an overflow of that relationship. And then he was like, so catch this man. He was like, Ben, I, so I work at this particular ministry or job. And if they like what I do, they'll keep me if they don't, I'll work somewhere else, but I never lose my reason for existing.

It's not tied to my occupation. And that was really freeing for me to go, I'm a man of God. And the more I know him, the better I know me and the better I do, the things I should be doing. So existence over occupation. Yeah. You feel like you feel like that's helped you with like even moving to DC from Texas and all the different things you've done just knowing that like it's not just about where you're at or what you're doing but about like who you are. Yes, absolutely. That's awesome. Yeah. That's so cool. And it's been fun to watch over time. You know community helps you figure that out It's kind of a process of elimination like I did a lot of things. I was bad at But then yeah, look and I go hey when I do this it helps people so I should do more of this

Yeah, I love that and DC's all young people it really is it's all 20s and 30s And so when Don and I showed up here. We were like we were built for this That's cool. It's is. It's all 20s and 30s. And so when Don and I showed up here, we were like, we were built for this. That's cool. It's exciting. Yeah. That's awesome. I'm so excited that you all have passion city, NDC and that you're leading. I think that's awesome. Well, let's jump into the relationship portion, the single dating and gauge Mary because I know everybody's super excited to talk about that. Okay, I want to start right up the bat because in your book, you talk about some signs of toxic relationships. And I had my fair share of toxic relationships. And so what is, what are some of those signs to look for for people out there that's like, I might

already be in one. I'm not really sure. I might be entering in one. What are those signs that we can see? This might be leading to a toxic relationship. Oh gosh, yeah, there's so many. I would say maybe the big guiding one for a lot of people is you need to look internally saying, am I looking for a savior or a spouse? Am I looking for a companion or am I looking for like a Christ figure that's going to fill every vacancy, heal every wound, fix every problem.

You know, if you're looking for someone to fix what's wrong inside of you, no human being can handle the freight of that. No relationship can handle that. So if you hear somebody say something like, well, if I just had a boyfriend, it'd be fine or I just need a man. If I just need this something like, well, if I just had a boyfriend, it'd be fine. Or I just need a man, if I just need this girl to do this, you're like, whoa, be careful that you're trying to put a God-sized need into a human being. And that's where you see a lot of them go wrong. You know, and the Bible speaks to that, you know, the woman at the well, Jesus encountered,

she had dated or married multiple guys and was living with a guy that wouldn't marry her and Jesus starts using that kind of metaphor of thirst. He's like, you're going to this well and thirsty again. You need to come to me first that you get a relationship with God, right? You can get a relationship with a guy or a girl, right? But if you don't have a divine source of love, like God loves me, then you're going to look for that validation and approval from other people.

And when you look for it from other people, you become a drain, not a fountain. You become a sucker of life, not a giver of life. And that leads to paranoia. So who were you talking to? What were you doing? Or that leads to anger? You're not giving me enough attention. And it leads to that.

All that insecurity is a siphoning of energy from somebody else. So if someone's looking for you to meet a God-sized need in their soul, they need to get that relation of a God right, or they'll never get a relationship with you right. Well, that is so good. And I can just say from personal experience, that was like totally a relationship I was in. I didn't realize it at the time. I just thought like, oh, this is how it is people said relationships

Are gonna be hard people said you know relationships are gonna be tell there's gonna be hard conversations But I feel like there's a difference in it being hard and it just being wrong and at the time I didn't really realize that and so for so long it was all that paranoia and the questions and all this stuff and then Eventually we broke up and years later we were able to have a conversation which always doesn't get to happen. But I'm glad that it did. And one of the things he said to me was, you know, I didn't realize this at the time. But you were God to me. And when you left, it felt like God left. And that's when I realized it. And that's why I never felt like I was enough

or doing enough or giving enough because I couldn't be God to him and so what you're saying is so real and I just want to say from a personal experience like that is very true and so if you are in that position that you've been saying I need this or if I only had this, that's a very real thing to consider that you're looking for really a savior. So that's so good. I'm glad that you talked about that. When I was reading, but,

I mean, you can see that I have like, it gets like bent and torn, but literally like beside so much that I have like, gets like bent and torn. But literally, like beside so much, I'm like, wow, that was me, like all this stuff, like it's so good. Man, well, I'll tell you, one of the reasons I wrote it, it was birthed out of pain. I mean, you could ask any of my college buddies,

my dating relationships were an endless source of comedy for them. It wasn't funny to me. I was like, why are all these so terrible? And I figured until I get me right, I can't get a wee right. I was like, so let me work on Ben for a bit. And when I was a healthier human, then I could interact with Donna in a healthy way.

I wasn't perfect, but some substantial healing came in my relationship with God for sure. That's great. Until I get on the right can't get away right So you talk about obviously all the stages of relationships, which I love because you know a lot of people You know really need the message of singleness. I really need the message and dating But you really cover it all which I'm so glad and you And you don't cheat any section, like every section is filled. But you talk about the purpose of singleness and a quote that you said is sometimes the most loving gift God can give us is singleness, which I just when

I read that, I'm like, man, that's so contrary to what people think that that singleness is a gift. And so how do you begin to see singleness as a gift? Yeah, that's a great question. You know Paul called it that to the Corinthians about his own life And in that same context he starts talking about How the time is short? So I think for me realizing singleness the opportunities of singleness are perishable goods That helped me when I was in my 20s. I just realized singleness is gonna end.

And so the benefits that come from being single will end. And namely, they're freedom and time. Like when you get into relationship, you're gonna lose a lot of that freedom. When I got married, I was happy to be married, but I watched single friends. When the tsunami happened in Thailand, a single buddy jumped on a plane that night, flew over there to serve people. And I was like, I don't have any money. I just got married.

I can't just up in travel. And I realized, oh, I love being married, but I lost freedom. And when you're single, you just go, man, you have freedom. And it will go away. single you just go, man, you have freedom and it will go away. And and kids will change it too. It'll go away. So you want to leverage the opportunities in your stage. And I think what happens with a lot of us is we see the benefits of a different stage and the limitations of our own. And we're always a happy. But if you can discipline yourself to go, my stage has particular benefits that are perishable, then you want to maximize them. I don't want to waste a second of this. And I think when we think singleness goes on forever,

we'll waste time on our phones and go, no, wait, I can travel the world now. I can go make a difference in my city now. And there's a lot of gifts God's given us in singleness. And I just don't want people to miss it. And you know, one of the ones I hit there really big is just the Paul says it. It's, it's for devotion to the Lord.

Like if I got to get that relationship right first, a lot of this freedom is so I can get that relationship with God right first. And I want to get really good at walking alongside him. And when I figured that out, singleness was a lot happier for me. Well, that's awesome. I love that. Christian talks a lot about his singleness and it's so powerful to hear him say because like a lot of the biggest moments of his testimony, like the encounters with Jesus, the times where he was like, okay, I'm going to stop watching pornography. I'm going to stop. I'm going to get serious about the way that I, you know, think about the Lord and read his word

and disembursed myself and who he is, like all of that happened in his singleness. And like prepared him two years before we ever met. And so I've always just thought that was such a beautiful picture. And since you get example of how to use singleness and he'll tell you, I did not do everything perfect. And of course he didn't,

but he did take that singleness seriously and that's when his relationship with the Lord got serious. And so I love that such a good point. I love this quote, you said, finding someone is easy, but finding the right someone, the right way is not. And that's true.

People are struggling out there. Like how do I find, how do I find this guy? And so, or this this girl so what are things that we can look for and what are things that we should kind of be on the look out for if you will when it comes to finding the right person the right way. Yeah that's a great question and a huge one you know one of the things I present first is that whole get a relationship with God, right? I picture it like running like you want to pursue Who God is with all of your might and as you do that your chasing after him

There's gonna be people that are running past you chasing other things. I'm chasing fame I'm chasing money. I'm chasing success in this business mentoring You go hey that person was cute and funny, but they're running a different direction If I'm running after how God built me, you're going to look and see some other people running alongside you. So that's the first sifting criteria for me is you want the same cause. Because if you marry, bind yourself to someone who's chasing something else, all that tensions on your marriage bond. And I, I mean, when I got into church ministry, Sadie, I talked to so many, a lot of women who were divorced,

that they married a guy because he was cute and funny. And when they got married, his values were totally different. So his decisions were totally different. And it put all the strain on their marriage bond. So you needed to go, are they chasing after things of God? If they're not, let them run right on by. And then you look for a godly character. And are they being shaped by God's character?

Because you want a Christian that when they showed up for you, you go, hey, he was pursuing honorable sexuality before he met me. He wouldn't just do it for me. He wouldn't just do it because I was cute and he was trying to get married to me. Cause what happens if something goes wrong and I don't get cute, I have a medical issue

that suddenly messes me up, will he still be there for me? You wanna know someone that's got their sexuality under control outside of their community to you. So you wanna look for that character. And then the last piece is chemistry. Do I like hanging out with them? And that's not nothing, because most of marriage is hanging out.

And obviously, there's a million things we need to say underneath all this. But those are like the big pictures. Are we chasing the same cause? Do they have a God-shaped character? And then chemistry, do I like hanging out with them? Do I look forward to talking to them? Or are they a drain? And I talked to so many people that stay in relationships because they think they're supposed to. And they sort of don't look forward to talking to the person on the phone You're like you don't have to do this to each other like you can go So good. I love that point because I think people like put chemistry a side because I don't think that's a like that's as important

And they're like well, at least he's a good person or at least they're nice at least they love the Lord And it's like yes, but also do you all even like each other? Like, do you have fun? Do you have good conversation? Because you're right. When you get married, especially if the world happens to go into a pandemic and your quarantine together, then you're going to really hope that you have chemistry.

Yeah, I dated a girl. My only dating relationship, I feel like I got right in college. She had, was chasing the Lord, had amazing character, but we would just run out of things to talk about. And we ended up having a great conversation. We were just like, I don't think we're a fit. And we both cried over it.

We're like, that's kind of sad, because you were cool. Your parents would have made good in-laws, but we just don't love hanging out. And Donna made me laugh, and that's not nothing. That is not nothing. That's so honest. That's so good. I'm so glad you said that. I love how you talk about the importance of someone with integrity. And you talked about the purity and sexuality with that and you got very real.

And last night as I was rereading it, I was like, man, this is like when I first read this, and we were dating or even whenever we were not even kind of there, even yet, we were more so just figuring out if we were going to be in a relationship and reading this book. This this part didn't mean anything to me, but now it really does. And you talked about how like whenever you have a baby, and then there's a time, and let's just get real. You said, you're not going to be able to have sex. They're like, and it's in that moment that you really hope you have a man with integrity. And I was like, dang, like, when I read that, I probably just skipped through it because

I'm like, awkward, ha, ha, but then like, that's real. Like, that's life. And so what is the importance of making sure that who you're with is a person of integrity? Yeah. Well, you're experiencing it right now, Sadie, with just the lack of anxiety for you, of you're not gonna worry about where is Christian spending his nights. If he's in the other room on a computer,

what's happening, or if he goes on a trip without me, his character gives you a sense of safety. That you know, I'm gonna be fine because that man is strong for me. And we need that. The book of Proverbs is so good for evaluation. You know, the Bible doesn't talk about dating because that wasn't the method to find a spouse,

but it talks about evaluating people all the time. And if you read the book of Proverbs, it says when the, when the righteous is a king, the people rejoice. Why are people happy? Because they know that person's going to do right by us. That they're going to do the right thing. And so when you're married to someone that you go, they're not going to be perfect, but they're always looking to do the right thing.

Then you don't have to worry about, are they going to stab me in the back? Are they going to empty the bank account? Are they going to, like, you go, no, they're trying to be the right thing. Then you don't have to worry about, are they going to stab me in the back? Are they going to empty the bank account? Are they going to like you go, no, they're trying to be right before God and that benefits me. They want to be righteous in the way they handle money. So they're not going to put me in a dangerous place financially. They want to be right in the way they talk to people. So I don't have to worry about them being violent towards me. Like they're, they're allegiance to God. If they take that seriously, leads to a whole host of virtues when they deal with you, they will be kind. They will be gentle.

They will be strong. And you want all those virtues in your life. You're blessed. I mean, that's Proverbs 31. When a guy finds a girl like that, it's like he will rise up every morning and call her blessed. Like her commitment to God makes her good to me, even when I'm at my worst, and you want a person like that in your home. That's so true. It's so good. And I think, you know,

do you know like anything about the end of your grant? Are you an end of your grant person? Oh my gosh. Donna is so into the end of your grant and I have not taken it and it makes her crazy. But go ahead, because everyone loves it. Yeah, go for it.

Okay, well, I have to just say because as a six on the any gram, it's like the loyalists and the biggest thing that they struggle with is like trust and they value security. And I always thought like, you know, and relationships had been in like, trust was just going to be a hard thing for me because trust is hard for anyone, right? And it's especially hard, you know,

with this personality type and all this stuff. And it was really hard in other relationships to trust, but I will say it is not hard to trust Christian. It's not like it's not like something you have to muster up and try to like really hard to trust him. Like don't get jealous. Don't ask him what he's doing on his phone. Don't like, no, I just don't have to do that

because I know who Christian is and he has so much integrity. And I know, like you said, he's not perfect, but he's always looking to do the right thing. And his relationship with God is more important than his relationship with me. And so ultimately, he's, you know, obeying God, not just, you know, trying to not do something wrong for me. And so I will just say to people who are out there who are like, it's so hard to trust. Like if you're dating somebody, like ask yourself, why is it hard to trust?

Like is it hard because maybe it's your own insecurity, maybe it's hurt from the past, maybe it's jealousy, so like that, or maybe it's because they haven't shown you the integrity that you really need in a person. So I just love that point. I thought that was awesome. Yeah. And it's not it's not based on your activity. I'm sorry to interrupt you. But yeah, it's not based on whether you're performing. So you don't have that anxiety of, oh, does he? If he doesn't think I'm doing this writer that he might go do X or Y. You go, no, he's gonna handle me right even when I'm not at my best.

That's a good feeling. That is the best feeling. So good, I love that. So I already kinda went to the awkward zone, but I'll stay there for a second. Because you can't talk about relationships and not talk about sex. And the thing is too, it's like you,

we would be naive as a church to not because of how much culture is talking about it. And I love your comparison to sex like a fire. I thought that was such a good analogy. Can you kind of touch on that a little bit and explain that to people because there's a lot of people listening to my podcast who grew up in church and other people who don't, so they might not understand, why is this a problem, that kind of thing? And so I'd love for you to touch on that. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, I compare sex to a fire in the sense that, I heard a guy ask once, do you start fires in your living room?

That question's so crazy, of course I don't, and he was like, so you don't own a fireplace. You're like, Oh, okay. We naturally think fire is good. Fire is good in a home. It'll bring warmth in life. If it's boxed in by strong boundaries, brick and steel, then it'll bring warmth in life. But you get a fire outside of protective boundaries, it will burn down everything you love. And sex is the same way. And as a society in America, we still have some holdovers of Christian sexual boundaries. Namely, it should not cross from adult to child. The broader culture has said that, yes, sex should have boundaries. You go, okay,

but we loosened a lot of those boundaries. It used to be socially just acceptable to have sex within marriage. Now it's socially acceptable to take it outside. But if you watch the broader culture, have we benefited from that? I would say no. In every statistic you look at for people, our loose sexuality has hurt us. It's taken something good and taken it outside protective boundaries and outside of that protection we've hurt ourselves. And so what sounded like freedom, sexuality without constraint has actually become

deeply painful for us. And you see it in men, you know, because primarily they're the consumers of pornography. Women do too. Statistically, one in three women, it's much higher for men, nine out of 10. And it looks like freedom, but then it becomes addiction. And not only addiction, all the stats we see now is then it makes not just getting married more difficult, although it's done that. It's made interaction with women more difficult, even at an interpersonal level. So you go, what looked like freedom, this discovery of sexuality on a screen, has stolen from me the value of a relationship and the

value of getting to know people. And for women, it's interesting. Donna Freitas did this big study of college campuses of the hookup culture of casual sex. And she said, the highest praise it got was the word fine. No one said it was awesome. No one said it was great. She said, the best they gave it was is fine.

Wow. 40 plus percent said they felt abused. She said the best they gave it was is fine. 40 plus percent said they felt abused and they felt hurt. And these were not Christian people, but they were saying like, this belief, I should divorce sexuality from my emotions and take them to the culture and just sort of enjoy it as a physical expression. It's not true. Our sexuality is tied to us. Now we know chemically dopamine. It makes us happy. Oxytocin, it promotes bonding. It's meant to create the joyful bonding within the emotions of another person. So when you try to divide the physical act from the emotional bonding of a relationship, you're doing violence to your soul. And the statistics are in, we've hurt us.

We've hurt men, we've hurt women, we've hurt children. So out of love for people, I tell them, let's put this good fire back in healthy boundary. You know, it's good for you. It's great. Yeah. That's so good. I love that. What you say, what looked like freedom has actually hurt us.

That's so real and that's so good. And also that you do say all this stuff out of love and it sounds like love because it's like, I don't want you to get hurt. And I think that that's heard from people who have read your book and he listened to you. That's why I'm so thankful that you're willing to talk about it because not everybody,

I would get on a podcast and ask that too. But I've seen how you touch on that that and it's so loving and it's so biblical and it's also so like this is not just for Christians This is just like the world the statistics. It is what it is and so thank you for touching on that Hello Hello. Hi. Hi, is this AJ? Yes. Hey, this is Sadie and Christian. This is Christian. Hello.

Hi. So, we hear you have a question for us. Yes, my question was, how do you stay positive through all the negative stuff in the world? Great question. First of all, you have such a great voice. You're so cute. How do I stay positive and such a negative world? Honestly, you know what I've realized in my life is the times that I'm most positive is when I'm actually just like we did out the negative things that I'm putting into my mind. So for instance, you know, used to watch TV shows that I literally couldn't even sit through now. And I would listen to music.

That was just negative for so many different reasons. And just kind of didn't care as much about what went into my mind and my soul and my spirit. And now I take that really seriously. So now I've, you know, filled my mind with the word of God and filled my, you know, time listening to things with podcasts or friends who are uplifting. And it's not being, you know, an optimist,

it's just filling your mind with truth. The Bible human says, to think about the things that are true, honorable, noble, praiseworthy, that's the things you need to think on. And so when I shifted to that, I think that's whenever it became a lot easier to be positive. What about you, Christian? Yeah, that's so good. Well, I definitely agree with everything you said.

You know, for me, I can look at my life. And when there are times in my life where I have, um, let more of those worldly things kind of into my mind, I can be, um, whether it's more negative or whether it's more anxious worrying that kind of can take from me being positive. But the thing for me is, if I don't read my Bible daily, and if I don't fill my mind with that and try to fill my spirit with that, then I know that I'll be less positive.

I'd do it. I'll be a two, yeah. Well, from the standpoint of like, I'll be a toot. Yeah, well from from the standpoint of like I'll be I'll be less less Like I'll be less patient with you I'll be more on edge and I'll be less positive and and those things can take can take from that So for me the biggest thing to help me be more positive is Not look at the news

Read my Bible and that sounds super simple, but that's been the biggest hope for me It's just read my Bible and that sounds super simple but that's been the biggest help for me It's just read the Bible listen to worship and then hopefully out of that will come an overflow of yeah positive That's great positive news positivity AJ thanks so much for calling and asking that question that's so good and you sound like a really positive person I hope that those little things helped Yes, thank you guys so much. Yes. Have a great day. Bye That's good. Good job. I love how you are like this 24-7 like And then we actually start rolling and you're talking back here. I was I was thinking back here

Then I was slowly moving towards when I had my thoughts. We want to keep doing this so if you just send in your questions to the WoW That's Go podcast and screen page we're gonna go look through them and we would love to give you advice so we'll pick whoever that is DM you and next thing you know we would love to hop on a call and feature you on the podcast so I'm so excited to get this thing going and that was such a great start to this whole question thing. And I can't wait to see all the questions people ask us. We're gonna do a mix too.

It's not just gonna be serious, so we're gonna be fun. It can be about our life, it can be about the Bay of V, it can be about God or whatever you wanna know. We would love to hopefully give you some good advice.