WHOA That's Good Podcast - Girls, We Don't Have Time to Compete With Each Other! | Sadie Robertson Huff & Oneka McClellan

Episode Date: September 18, 2024

Oneka McClellan joins Sadie to talk about her new book "Born Royal" and she shares her story of when she began trusting God, why after being raised in a fatherless home she loves being a daughter of God, and how one moment of vulnerability changed her whole life in a conversation with a friend. Oneka's passion is celebrating and encouraging girls and women everywhere to look for ways to support one another rather than tear each other down. And Sadie talks about the bullying she faced in middle school and high school and the encouragement her mom gave her on how to handle it. Then Oneka shares how she can live in celebration and grief — and be present for both — in life. And you can too! Get your copy of Oneka's book wherever you buy your books!  https://helixsleep.com/sadie — Get 25% off all mattress orders AND 2 free pillows! https://hungryroot.com/whoa — Get 40% off your first delivery and free veggies for life. https://drinkag1.com/whoa — Get a FREE 1-year supply of Vitamin D3+K2 AND 5 free AG1 Travel Packs with your first subscription! - Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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This is their best offer yet and it won't last long. With Helix, better sleep starts now. What's up everybody? Happy Woe That's Good Wednesday. I hope you're having a good week, but per usual, it's about to get so much better. Y'all I am so excited for the guests we have on the podcast today. It's actually her second time being on,

but her first time being on by herself. We have Onika McClellan. Hi. Hi. Love you. I'm so excited to be together. I am so excited. We're gonna have the best time.

We are gonna have the best time. And I told Onika this before she hops on, but I just wanna tell you guys this, cause this is such a funny story. So she just wrote this book, Born Royal, which we are gonna talk all about. I'm wearing the t-shirt, I got the book. I'm a big fan of this girl.

But what's so funny is I have a girl who helps me prep my podcast, because with every guest we have on, we wanna make sure we read their books, listen to their interviews, and make sure we really understand and honor their story and who they are and what they put out there. And so normally whenever my friend reads the guest book,

she's like, okay, Sadie, chapter, you know, one, three, seven, 10, like these are the ones you want to hone in on. This is what she said that was so powerful. And I'm like, great, got it. Go read the chapters. Feel like I got a good sense of the book. Well, this time, she said that was so powerful. And I'm like, great, got it, go read the chapters, feel like I got a good sense of the book.

Well, this time, my friend hands me this book and she marked the whole entire book. If you are watching this on YouTube, you can see there is a tab on almost every paper. So basically she handed me this book and I said, so you're telling me go read this whole book because it's that good. And so, Onika, thank you for writing this book.

It is so filled with so much wisdom. How does it feel to have all of this like in paper out now? It's wild. It was wild touching it when I first got the sample copy and just feeling the hardcover turning the pages. And I'm like a page smeller. I like smelled the pages. I love it. But it just felt like the paper on ink.

It just felt surreal. And I did it out of obedience. You know how sometimes God says, I need you to do this. It doesn't make sense in this season, but I just need you to say yes. So I felt like God said, I need you to say yes to this. I have a love letter from heaven for my girls, and I need you to be a. So I felt like God said, I need you to say yes to this. I have a love letter from heaven for my girls and I need you to be a part of sharing it.

And so I did it out of obedience. But then once I was holding it, it was a very surreal feeling, very surreal. Yeah. That's so beautiful. It really is so good. There is so much in here that actually I asked Renika before we started the podcast, I'm like,

can we do book club and do it on this book and the app because there's just so much here that I wanna unpack. And you live this message out so beautifully. I can't wait to talk all about this. But first, I want people to get to know you a little bit more because I've gotten to know you. You are like the ultimate sister and friend. You are the type of person where if girls see you,

they go, I wanna be her best friend. Like you wanna be in your corner, you wanna be your friend because you're just so lovely and just the most like hype girl of the hype girls. But tell us a little bit about your background and about your story. You're the best. First of all, I just wanna say I love you.

I remember meeting you at Passion and we were in a pre-prayer meeting and there was a sea of people in there and you came up to me and you're like, Hi, I want to know you. And right away there was this instant God connection. But I'm so thankful that you walked up to me and sought me out. It was one of those like magnetic moments where it was just like God knew we were supposed to know each other and we love Christian, we love your babies

and just are so excited. I feel like our friendship is bigger than just us. It's for us, but I feel like it's bigger than us. So getting to have this conversation and share our friendship with the world, I'm just so thrilled about it on so many levels. But yes, a little bit about me. I'm an only child, true story, but I'm a well-adjusted only child.

I'm not spoiled. I know what I love, but I'm not spoiled. And I was raised by a single mom, grew up believing in God and having a fear, like a reverential fear of God in a healthy way. But I did not grow up knowing my identity in Christ. I did not grow up knowing that God had a plan for my life. I didn't grow up knowing that I shouldn't settle in my relationships.

I didn't know that my body was a temple and that God had something so special in store for me. It actually wasn't until I went to college and I met a coworker at a clothing store because I love shopping and all things fashion. I always have since I was little. And we were closing down the store one night, putting away all the clothing. And my coworker who was so fun, so full of life, so cute, so fresh, and just so, just

tender-hearted, we're just straightening the store. And she said, hey, Onika. She said, how old are you? And I said, I'm 18. I was either 18 or 19 at the time. And I said, how old are you? And she said, I'm 21. I said, you're 21? I said, that means you don't have to use a fake ID

when you sneak into bars. And which I hearing this, I feel like I'm talking about a different person, but that was me. And she said, actually this, I feel like I'm talking about a different person, but that was me. And she said, actually, I don't use a fake ID. She says, I'm not into the bar club scene. She said, no shade against anyone who is, but she said, that's not my scene anymore.

She says, I gave my life fully to Christ and I live a surrendered life. And when she said that, in that moment, I didn't feel judged in that moment. I felt intrigued that someone that was so fun, so fresh, so full of life could live a surrendered life. And because I had already admired her and heard her story, it made me want to know what would make someone

want to live that way. And so we began this friendship. She loved me unconditionally. She knew I was like, not saying typical college girl, because I don't want to say typical college girl parties on the weekend, but I was the college girl who partied on the weekend, hooked up with boys,

because I didn't know my worth and my value. But she saw me where I was, but loved me enough and prayed for me behind the scenes that I would realize who I was in Christ. And so she would invite me to church. I would always cancel, but she still would take me to coffee. We'd go to coffee. We'd stay up late. We'd watch movies together. We'd go to the beach and hang out all the time. And we actually became best friends. And I just watched her life. And

I saw this lightness on her and this effortlessness. She wasn't trying. She wasn't like when we would get ready together, she wasn't trying to be cute for a boy. She was just wanting to be cute. And I just was like, this is interesting. How do you just have this confidence in this value and this worth? So long story short, she would always say, come to church with me, come to church with me. And then finally one Sunday, I said, I'm coming.

So I went to church with her. I walked into the church. There was a ton of young adults, people that were like 18 to 25. Everyone was so fun, so full of life, just like her. And I didn't know that there were churches where there were people that were my age that loved God that were normal.

Yeah. Yay! Pastor gave the message and the whole time I felt so at home in that room and no one judged me. No one made me feel like they know how crazy I am. They know that I party on the weekends. No one made me feel that way. They just loved me unconditionally. I felt that same love that she had for me.

I felt that at that church. And so at the end of the sermon, the pastor said, if there's anyone here who wants to know this Jesus that I'm talking about, if there's anyone here who wants to give their life to the Lord, this is the moment. And in that moment, my hand just shut up. And I had one of those, I just want to say like those moments

where like the scales fell off of my eyes. And in that moment, I felt true freedom. In that moment, I felt this overwhelming love of my heavenly father. And from that moment, it was one of those moments where I literally laid down my old life, and I picked up this new life that God had for me.

And her older sister took me to coffee the next day, celebrated my decision. She talked to me about the very—I was in a very unhealthy, toxic relationship at the time. And she said, Oh, Nika, I know you love this guy, but I just need you to know by the way that he is treating you, this is not God's best for you. I want to challenge you to ask God, should you surrender this relationship? And so I prayed and I felt like God said, I need you to lay this relationship down. I want you to live fully for me. And it was the in that moment, it felt like I was exchanging all,

like this huge pile of like chips. Like I don't like play poker or gamble, but I just imagined this big pile of chips and I was just cashing them all in. But what I didn't realize on the other side of this was this freedom and this abundant life and this like peace and this wholeness and this purity. And so I laid down that relationship.

I broke up with that guy. Thank God I did. I wouldn't know Earl, who's my best friend, and he's my favorite. That's my husband. But I broke up with that guy. Her older sister taught me how to read my Bible. We started in the book of John and I started going to church. I started renew read my Bible. Wow. We started in the book of John, and I started going to church. I started renewing my mind.

I started to learn the things that now I'm able to equip other girls with, which is like your body is a temple. It doesn't belong to you. I stopped partying. I stopped hooking up with guys and just completely laid down my old way of living. And I just want to tell the girls that are listening

that if there's anyone hanging out with us today who's stuck of like, I want to live, I want to follow God but I'm also stuck in these old patterns of the world. It's so freeing when you choose God. That's right. It is so freeing and he restored my purity. And here we are all these years later, and I'm still obsessed with Jesus

and married to my best friend. Wow, come on and testify, girl. I am like, there's so many times in your story, and I know your story. I got to sit across the table with you a couple of weeks ago and hear your story, but as I'm listening to it today, I feel like, like, teary thinking about girls listening to this saying,

that's my story, you know? Like, they're in that, I love how you just went ahead and directed it to the girl listening, who's in that place, or that in between. You're trying to live in the world, you're trying to live, you know, go to church, but man, there's so much freedom on the other side of that surrender,

and there's so much more. And I just love that you came on in like straight up from the start, shared your testimony because one of the most powerful things that we can do is share our testimony. I mean, that's literally how it says the enemy is gonna be defeated by the blood of the lamb and the power of our testimony.

And there have been so many people come on this podcast and say great things, but it is the testimonies of people that really free others because they see themselves in that and they go, wow, if God did that for her, God can do that for me. And I had to like write things down as you were talking because there's so much in what you just said that I wanna circle back to and dig a little deeper

and ask you questions then, cause I know girls who are sitting on that, the edge of their seat right now being like, this is me, are like, okay, how do you like, what's the next step? One of the things I wanna ask you, because this book and so much of your message is speaking to like the identity that we have in Christ as daughters of the King, like you're born royal,

this is your message. When was it to you that that phrase, like you're a daughter of God, like when did that actually become your identity and how did that begin to like you're a daughter of God. Like when did that actually become your identity and how did that begin to change you? Because I think that so many of us, we know that we've heard that, but there's a difference in like,

oh, knowing that the Bible says that or knowing that's a part of your story and actually believing it and really stepping into that. When was that moment for you that you really like, we're like, whoa, this is what it looks like to be a daughter? Exactly. I would say when I stopped dating for a season and I just hung out with me, my girlfriends, and the Lord, that was when I understood that I'm a daughter because I was raised, actually like I said at the beginning, by a single mom who was amazing, but I didn't have a present father figure who was like,

you're my daughter. I'm proud of you. You're so beautiful. I love you just the way you are. And so I felt like God became that for me when I accepted Him into my heart. And I felt this unconditional love that was first modeled by my friend.

She modeled this unconditional love for me, this acceptance and loving me on the journey and not this, I'm mad at you, I'm disappointed in you, you're not good enough. She modeled that like God loves us all along our journey. So I feel like when I accepted him as my heavenly father, I allowed him to become my father. And I've think about my husband with our little girl, we have a little girl who's nine,

and he is obsessed with her. Like she can do no wrong, and even when she is like being a hot mess, his love for her does not change. And so I feel like getting to see him as a father, and then also when I accepted Jesus and he adopted me, I feel like once I became adopted and allowed him to adopt me,

I received that love of my Heavenly Father and I got to experience that unconditional love, but not just from a message. It happened through other people. And then the more I read scripture, which I also feel like is this love letter from heaven, I was able to step into my daughtership and receive, I feel like God has this inheritance for us.

And I feel like how I talked about like pushing all the chips in and sometimes when we push all the chips in, we think we're only gonna get two chips back. But what he gives us is abundantly more than what we sacrifice or surrender to him. And so I feel like I became his beloved daughter. And just like all the girls who are hanging out

with us today, we are all His beloved daughters. And just the way our husbands are obsessed with our girls and love them, and they are wrapped around our husband's fingers, how much more does God, is He so obsessed and so proud of us? And I think sometimes because we live in such a performance society,

and some of us have parents that put pressure on us to perform and to be our best, which is so good to be your best. But I think sometimes that can skew how we see God. So we think he's just like judging us and, okay, you went to church, okay, you get a mark. You did this, you get a mark. And that his love for us is based on our works.

And so I learned early on that he just loves me and he died for me and he has a plan and purpose for my life and no matter my shortcomings, that that love does not change. And I think walking in our daughtership is receiving that unconditional outpouring of this supernatural love that never runs out, that is not based on our works, is the very thing that helps us accept that royal crown

by our Heavenly Father that He just says, you're mine. Wow, that is so beautiful. Y'all, I love all things comfy. I love blankets, I love pajamas, I love all the things that get me feeling cozy. We love to surround ourselves with things that bring us comfort, and our beds are the ultimate comfort space.

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With Helix, better sleep starts now. You know, I love how so much of your story is like, it was my friend, you know, it was my friend that helped me. It was my friend that walked me through this. It was my friendships that taught me this. I think so many of us underestimate the power of friendship being your ministry. And I don't mean that you are friends with people with an agenda of like, oh, we're gonna convert them.

It's not like that. It's just that like the people closest to you in your life, like your true best friends, like that's such a form of ministry. Even with my closest friends, I'm thinking about, last week we had this just beautiful moment where we try to get together once a week and just have, we call it confession hour,

which is kind of funny, but just like, hey, how's your heart? How are you doing? What's going on in your life? And normally we end up laughing half the time or someone's crying and we're all hugging each other. And it's just this beautiful form of friendship and ministry.

Well, last week we were just walking through it with one of our friends and we're end up all on our knees and just like hugging each other, holding each other. And then after we're just like texting each other, like I'm so grateful that we have people in our life that are leading us closer to the Lord. And I just think about the power of like the ministry of friendship. And I think so many times like we think,

oh, our time of ministry is like Sunday morning at church and we're gonna learn from the pastor and then we just go do our life. But it's like, no, when you have friends who are like really truly that iron sharpening iron, like really truly walking with you in life, really truly like your sisters and leading you closer to your father,

like it is the most beautiful gift. And one, I wanna say, yes, you would hope your friends are that, but two, for the listener would hope your friends are that. But two, for the listener, you want to be that friend. And I love how so much of your ministry is geared towards friendship. That's for me, too.

I always talk about being a sister and a friend to those who don't have one. Friendship is even Jesus modeled that with his 12, his friends. They did life together, and it was so beautiful. When you think about like what it looks like to be a good friend, and I know this is a loaded question because we could sit here and talk about this for hours and you know, do a whole podcast series

on what it looks like to be a good friend. But what are just some of the things that come to your mind when it comes to friendship and ministry and what that looks like? I would definitely say showing up. I think showing up for people is the biggest way, besides of course praying for them, but showing up at the times, the highs and the lows,

not just at the showers, the baby showers or the wedding showers or the graduation parties, but also when life hits, like showing up for a friend when their parents are going through a divorce, showing up for a friend when their parents are going through a divorce, showing up for a friend when she opens up to you that she is struggling with her eating, showing up for a friend when she's overcome with depression or fear or anxiety, and just sitting by them.

I think sometimes we think, well, I don't have the words and I'm not eloquent enough, I don't have the right scripture on the tip of my tongue, so I feel like I need to lead them to something else instead of like you being part of the answer. And so many of my greatest moments, I would say in ministry, the ones that people come back to me and say that it changed their life was showing up.

It wasn't a sermon that I spoke, it was actually living that sermon by being by them at the hospital, being with them when they couldn't sleep at night and they were tempted to not do the thing that they were trying to like, you know how you just sometimes need someone to like be by you?

Because you just like feel like, I don't feel at peace right now. And so it's actually, I feel like being a good friend besides praying of course is showing up for people, but not just in the highlight moments of their life, but in their lives that feel the darkest. And then listening and not always feel like you have to have the right words to say, but just your presence speaks volumes.

Volumes. But then also, I just want to encourage someone who has a friend who is constantly falling into the same pit. They don't want to be in the pit. They keep falling in the same pit, making the same decisions, and they're stuck in that pattern. But you're that friend that says, I don't want to be the judgy friend. I don't want to judge you for how you're living. I just want to love you unconditionally. And yes, we want to love our friends unconditionally. But there will be this holy moment where God gives you this setup, this like alley-oop to actually speak the truth and love in that moment. There's always this moment where someone's heart is ready for you to hit them with the truth. And I know for me, there was this moment, I was remembering telling you at dinner, and I went to this like Ted talk, if you will, with my girlfriend on love, sex, and marriage.

And I thought it was, I was like, oh, I want to learn about love, sex, and marriage. And it was like before I knew the Lord. And I went to it and it was actually the Christian perspective of love, sex, and marriage. And so I, and my mind was blown. I had not heard any of that before. So we're leaving, we go to her car, we start talking. And that conversation made me wonder about the choices

I was making in my life. And for the first time, I said to her, what do you think God thinks about me partying and the choices that I'm making with boys on the weekend? Like, what do you think God thinks about that? And I'd never asked her a question like that before. And to that point, she had never judged me for the decisions that I was making. But that was that moment that God gave her into my heart to speak the truth and love. And in that moment, she said to me,

because my heart was wide open, and it was a setup by God, she said to me, Onika, she said, the wages of sin is death. And when she said that, this holy, beautiful fear came over me in a good way, where that was what I needed to hear in that moment to decide, I want to start living for God. It was like the short before the movie of my life.

It was like that little short that got me to say yes to coming to church. And so that's my very long way of saying that even for your friends that are stuck in those patterns and you do show up for them, but you haven't yet spoken the truth and love, God's gonna give you this moment. You're gonna feel it right here

and He's gonna give you the exact words to say that soften your friend's heart, but also lower them. Like the friends in the Bible that like cut open the roof and lowered their friends in front of Jesus. And God wants to use our words to bust open some roofs and to lower our friends in front of Jesus. That's so beautiful. That's so true. And it's so crazy that you say that

because I actually have just walked through that very similar moment. And the Alley crazy that you say that, because I actually have just walked through that very similar moment and the alley-oop was the perfect way to say it because one, I've been on the other side of that and I've needed someone to tell me the truth. So this story could have gone any other way in any other season of life and it would have been me on the other side.

But it's so interesting because I walked through this with a friend where just making some choices and I just been there alongside of her and love her, and didn't have a place to say anything, didn't feel the need to necessarily say anything, but just be there. And then just recently she asked me, like straight up, what do you think about this?

And it was just this beautiful door that she opened for me to get to share, and really just go to the word about it. Well, what does God say about it? And it was just amazing because what she was walking through, it was so clear in scripture. She just hadn't been looking there at the time. And it was just amazing

because if I would have slapped that scripture on her weeks before, it might've felt like that, slapping a scripture on someone and been like, whoa, I'm not ready for that. But then when she asked like, hey, what do you think about this specifically?

And I'm like, you know, I love that you asked this question. I've actually been thinking about this in my life too. And I was reading the scripture that is the perfect example of, I think, the answer to what the question we're asking. And it's just this beautiful way of like walking through it with a friend. And yeah, when you love someone, when you're showing up in the good and the hard,

and then they ask a question, then they know it's nothing but love. It's not to tear them down, it's only to build them up. And it's such a beautiful thing. And I was just, everything you said was just so beautiful. And just showing up for people really is so, so important. Even if you don't know the words to say, and praying for friends is such a pivotal thing,

when you start praying for each other, it is so powerful. And I feel like that might seem awkward to some of you. How do you even start something like that? How do you even start praying for your friends? Or how do you pray with your friends? Maybe you're thinking of your friend group, and you're like, I cannot imagine a scenario

that that happens. And maybe it's behind the scenes at first, praying for them just in their lives. Before you go to bed at night, think about your friends, pray for them out loud, what they're walking through. But then maybe you can organize something like a confession. We're like, hey, let's get together once a week and just talk about what's going on in our life.

And then because that naturally will open the door for intentional conversations, you can say, let's pray about this because honestly, this feels bigger than us and we should bring God into it. It doesn't have to feel weird. That's just like, that should be what friendships naturally look like. And I've shared this story before, but I'll say it again,

because I think it's just helpful for people to hear because I think that word awkward, I don't know if you guys relate to that, listening to this, but sometimes as women, I think like we're so afraid of making something awkward. And so we're like, oh, I'm so intimidated by this moment because what if I say the wrong thing and then it gets awkward and then it gets weird

or what if, you know, whatever. And I have to say like one of my biggest regrets in friendship and life is that one time a friend walked through something really hard in high school, and I was just not there for her. And it wasn't because I didn't want to be there for her. It was because I didn't know how to. And so instead of just leaning into that uncomfortability

and maybe, you know, not, I didn't even need to say anything. I just needed to be there. But because I was like so intimidated by what she was walking through, which that's so ridiculous because she was intimidated about what she was walking through. She was the one walking through it. All she needed me to do was be there.

And I wasn't there the way that she needed me to be. And that was just like a really hard thing because that was one of my closest friends. And it ended up really hurting our friendship for a long time. Thankfully, God is good and there's so much grace and we've, you know, we're still friends and it's a beautiful thing. But I look back at that time and I'm like, man, I wish I was there for her in the way she needed me to be. But thank God, he's given me more opportunities. But now when I have friends who are walking through really hard things, it's like, I don't care if I don't know what to say, or if it's gonna be awkward,

or if we sit there and we just cry together, like all they need is for me to be there. And you have to just get past yourself in those moments and see your friend and where they're at and hold them, walk with them. And I'm just so glad you said that because that is so true. Those moments speak louder than any message you can preach. Anything you could say, it's just your presence.

And that's so powerful. One of the things that you've brought up a few times in your testimony was just the power of not feeling judged. I love that. I love that you share like, she didn't judge me. Like I was in a different season, but she wasn't judging me. And I feel like today's day,

that is like such a downfall of the church and like church culture is that people feel so judged. And by people, we all do. Like, I mean, if you go on social media, go read my comments on any post, you know, just about, and you're gonna see that judgment. And that's so hard. Thankfully, you know, I know who I am in Christ.

I have, you know, God to affirm me and who I am. And then I have the people around me to help me stay on track. And have God to affirm me and who I am. And then I have the people around me to help me stay on track. And if they were telling me these things, that would be a different thing. But that judgment, you can kind of take a little bit more whenever you know who you are.

But it is so hard, whenever you have all that judgment coming at you and you feel like that. And so you don't wanna step into it. Talk about just like as a Christian, how to be like walking with Christ and not judgmental. These days we all have busy schedules with work, family, friends, kids, school, all the things.

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so that they know we sent you there. Yes, yes. I think that is the major key. get to use our link so they know we sent you there. Yes, yes, I think that is the major key. Like I'm super passionate about us cheering for each other, being each other's biggest fans and speaking life. I mean, I think about the story of Mary and Elizabeth, and they fought for each other. They were both pregnant with something. And one was pregnant with John, one was pregnant with Jesus.

And they came together. And instead of, I just kind of paraphrase the story, but instead of like, oh, you're pregnant with the savior of the world, and I'm only pregnant with John the Baptist, they both spoke life over each other. One was filled with the Spirit. Another one was singing a song when she left.

And I feel like that's the picture of how we should be for each other, is we should leave each other's presence like singing a song, not doubting ourself, not doubting our call, not feeling like we're not good enough. Like we should decide, I'm just so passionate about girls fighting for each other

and not fighting against each other. So I feel like on social media, like that's the perfect place to be each other's hype girls. And like when you do your fun like dance videos or like the one that you did this week where that was like you did like a video with like your family and you all were like doing something. I forget what you're doing, but it was so fun. And I'm like, yes, yes, more of that, more of that. And I feel like that's how we should be for each other. We should be like, yes, yes, it's in you, go. Instead of like, why'd she wear that?

Why's she doing that? Why'd she change her hair? Why's she dating that person? Why is she at the beach and not at the retreat or whatever? I feel like that's so like being a Pharisee. I feel like the Pharisees were so judgmental in the Bible and they overanalyzed everything that Jesus and the disciples did.

And they spent their life trying to snuff out the fire that they were trying to start. And I feel like for us, we should be more like Jesus, where we speak life, we speak the truth and love, but we speak life and we cheer each other on. I think that we should not I'm so passionate about this. Girl, come on. I'm like, I'm like, I'm gonna pop off. Because I feel like we should not go into people's DMS that we

don't know, and say things to them that are not kind. I feel like that's being a bully. And like my little girl, she's dealt with bullying at school. Like one day it was like wear pink bode and like her friend group didn't tell her that it was wearing pink bode. And then she felt so discouraged that she didn't know that it was pink bode.

And bode like the little ribbons if they were in their hair. And so that's like an eight-year-old version of it where they didn't make that it was pink bow day. And bow day, like the little ribbons if they were in their hair. And so that's like an eight year old version of it where they didn't make her feel included because she didn't have the pink bow. But then you fast forward to the like 16, 18, 22, 26 year old version of it. And I feel like we get to start when girls are young

to tell them to fight for each other. To speak life over each other. Like if it's not nice and we shouldn't say it. And so I feel like we should be like Mary and Elizabeth and we should leave each other's presence. Even strangers where they feel like they have a song in their heart instead of them feeling judged or not seen.

I'm so passionate about girls. So good. I'm so passionate. Girl, I love it. I am echoing everything you say, like preach that word. And I love the idea of Mary and Elizabeth. And like, because I know it sounds funny to say, but like that is so true. That is kind of how we would act as women.

It's like, oh, well she's carrying the savior of the world. And I'm just, I'm like, that is such a great way to say it. I remember in eighth grade, I had this girl at my school, I guess you could say kind of a bully. And every day I got to school, she would like say something that was so rude and it would just be like condescending, like put me down.

Like she was the one, she literally started like a, we hate Sadie club. It was just like, it was just so like mean. And she would, we'd get to school and she'd be like, oh, did you just like forget to fix your hair today? Or like, I remember she said that. Or like, she looked at me and my friend one time and said, you would look a lot more like her

if you were just skinnier. Like it was just like all like hard things. And I would go home like every single day and I would cry to my mom about it. And I would be like, listen to what she said today. Listen to what she said today. And my mom said, stop letting her say that to you.

And I said, I can't. She just comes up to me and says it. And she goes, no, you can. She said, you tell her, you don't wanna hear it. And I was like, that's gonna be so, that's gonna be so hard. I can't do that. She's like, no, if you're gonna come home every day

and you're gonna cry about it, then you need to do something about it. Don't listen to it, don't let her. So the next day, I go to school and she comes up to me and I said, I don't wanna know. And she said, but it's about you. I said, I don't care. I said, if it's not positive, I don't wanna know it.

And she said, but don't you wanna know if someone's talking about you? I said, no, I don't. I don't wanna know it. And she said, but don't you wanna know if someone's talking about you? I said, no, I don't. I don't wanna hear it anymore. So unless it's gonna be something nice, don't say it. And I repeated that to her so often, unless it's nice, don't say it. And you know what's crazy is like later in life,

she was going through something really, really hard. And I was the person she called. And I was so shocked by that. Like so genuinely shocked by that because I would just never would have expected that. She had the I Hate Sadie Club. She was the one that like was constantly so rude to you, but you never really know why someone is acting

the way that they're acting. And there is so much insecurity underneath the words that people say. And for me as a teenager, I couldn't see that for what it was, my mom could. My mom was trying to encourage me and equip me with what to say.

Now I look back at it and I can see it. And then I look at myself and things I've said to other people that I'm like, man, that was out of insecurity. And like now I'm so quick to see, even to my husband, like there's times where I'll make a comment and I'll go, hey, I didn't really mean that. I was just feeling insecure or whatever.

And it's like, I just, I don't want that language to come out of my mouth unless it's uplifting, unless it's encouraging, unless it's to build someone up. And so I do think as women, sometimes we act like I did in eighth grade and say, I can't do anything about it. When it's like, no, you can, you can. One, you can say it to them. And two, you can say it to yourself.

Don't let yourself speak that way. Don't allow it. Confess when you can. One, you can say it to them, and two, you can say it to yourself. Don't let yourself speak that way. Don't allow it. Confess when you do. Uproot that insecurity in your own heart, in your own life. And one of the things I love that you say is that if you feel insecure, speak life. And that's something that I've always said too. If you feel intimidated or insecure or jealous of someone,

start championing them for what they're doing. And you might think like, oh, but that feels hypocritical because I'm jealous. It's like, no, that's not hypocritical. That's calling yourself to what you're actually called to and being a sister and a friend. It's actually saying truth over what the lie is in your heart.

And so instead of like tearing that person down, like build that person up. And it's amazing because in building them up, it will actually build you up too because their gain is not your loss. I mean, if it's a win for the kingdom, it's a win for everyone. And so I feel so passionate about this too.

And I love what you say. Can you give this example, because I thought this was such a funny example, if you remember, I was listening to a podcast, your podcast that you did with your friends, and you were talking about them at Pilates and how they were crushing it. Can you just talk about that just little example

of just your language and how it didn't bring you down, but built them up? Yes, yeah, it actually inspired me because anytime you try something new with people who are pros, and my friends are very long, you know, and I'm a little more compact of a human, compact with love, but my friends are way more long

and they just can stretch so eloquently. And so we went to this class together, and obviously when you work out with your friends, there's mirrors. So, and so we were all together with these mirrors, but actually watching them, I chose to say, I wanna watch them and I wanna stretch how they're stretching instead of thinking like,

I'm not good at this class, I'm never coming back again, I don't look like a Pilates girl because I'm not, I can't stretch the way that they stretch. I just decided to like have fun with it and I was laughing at myself. I was okay that the instructor was coming over to me. She's given me lots of attention because she could see that I was struggling with the reformer. We're on those reformer machines, which it's such a great workout. But when you're new to it, it feels very foreign. But it's my very long way of saying instead of feeling intimidated and

feeling like I wasn't good enough, or I didn't look as good and graceful as they did because the teacher kept complimenting them because they were really good at it. But for me, she was like, let me help you, Onika. I just decided to make fun of myself and laugh and have fun and be inspired that they were good at it, even though they were better than me. Instead of thinking, I can't do this. I'm not good enough. I'm never going to look like them doing Pilates. I just leaned into the moment, had the best time. Instead of thinking I needed to be like them, I just decided to be me and make it into a memory.

And now we laugh about my first class and now I'm getting better. I'm still on a journey. I'm under construction with my Pilates journey, but I'm getting better and just having a good time while doing it. But I think that's important. I think we see people running their race and then we think we need to run our race how they're running their race and then we compare like if our friend is super fast and we're slower then we compare their fast journey to our slow journey. But we comparison, we know this, it's a thief.

We're not meant to be compared to one another. We should just be inspired by one another. That's my passion. That's right. Friends, in every season, it is so important we take care of ourselves. Taking care of our health isn't always easy, but it should at least be simple.

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because my best friend, Lainey, when we lived in Nashville together, so she was like legitimately a backup dancer when we met. So she's like, really great dancer, so cool. I was like, this girl is awesome. Like if you're a hip hop dancer, you're just cool, period. You're best, yes, for sure, period. Oh, I mean, period, it is what it is.

And so I was like, she is so cool, I wanna be her friend. So we got to be best friends, so amazing, such a great sister and a friend. Well then she was like, Sadie, we should start going to this hip hop class. Like it's gonna be so much fun. And I'm thinking, yes, I'm like, I can kinda dance, you know? Not really taking into account that that she's a legitimate dancer

and everyone else going to the hip hop class as an adult is a dancer. If you're going to a hip hop class as an adult, you know how to dance. So I'm just like beat bopping along thinking, this is gonna be so fun. I like wear a cool outfit. She's like all in her, so I would get there.

I'm doing terrible. Like I cannot keep up. I'm having fun, but I'm like, definitely the worst in the class. And it's so funny because like the instructor came up to her and was like, oh, I can tell like you dance. What, you know, like what'd you do in life?

Like asking her all about her dance history. And then she looked at me and she was like, and we are so glad you're here. Like it was like, it was like, you know, honorable mention. We're just so glad that you're here and you had the confidence to show up. And I just remember being like slightly embarrassed, but also like, you know what, I am proud of myself too, because this was actually so fun. And we kept going to the class and I made friends and I learned how to dance a little bit more. And I look back and like, I actually ended up, we did a, that was like the legit class, but then we ended up doing a little bit more low key, like not, it wasn't like Zumba, but it was like hip hop at a gym that we did. And that was more fun.

And I ended up bringing like my mother-in-law to that class with me and we have such a funny memory. And like, that is some of like the most fun form of workouts because it was just so freeing. It wasn't about what we looked like. It wasn't about who was the best, whatever. It was just like freedom and fun and just doing something together.

And so yeah, when you just take the pressure off yourself, someone said on this podcast one time, and I loved it, she was like, take yourself out of the competition. She's like, I'm not in the competition. I'm not competing with anyone here. I'm just like here right in my race, so I'm taking'm not in the competition. I'm not competing with anyone here. I'm just like here right in my race. So I'm taking myself out of the competition. And when you allow yourself to just take yourself out of the competition, it's one of the most

beautiful things. It's so cool, Anika, because when I just said that, I remembered two of the, probably two of the most quotable best piece of advice was that one that that lady said, it was Jess Connelly. And the other one was your best piece of advice that I continue to quote in so many episodes, I continue to quote in my real personal life when you said, when you show up, don't be a here I am person, be a there you are person.

And you live that so beautifully. And I think that's what it looks like when you show up to even those workout classes when you're feeling a little insecure. When it's like a there you are, when it looks like when you show up to even those workout classes when you're feeling a little insecure. When it's like a there you are, when it's like I'm cheering you on, we're having fun together and you're able to not just think about yourself.

Man, it brings so much freedom to a room. I wanna ask you about this because like I said, you are the hype girl, you are the friend of a friend, you're the girly girl, you are just like such a beautiful picture of all those things. But at the hype girl, you are the friend of a friend, you're the girly girl, you are just like such a beautiful picture of all those things. But at the same time, we kind of hit on this a little bit. Like you talked about being there for people.

You talked about when things get hard. I will say like one of the things you talk about in the book is that life is so full of battles. Even in that podcast I listened to, you said, I thought I would maybe be off the battlefield and get to go to the beach, but no, just another battlefield comes. And yes, you can be the girl's girl, but you got to have some grit in life too. What does it look like to carry the balance of like having fun in life, having true joy, but also not ignoring the fact that life is hard?

For me at least, I feel like one moment I'm celebrating like a wedding type moment, but at the same time, having a funeral moment. So even like as we're having this conversation today, I'm planning a baby shower for a friend, a birthday party for a friend, but also traveling for a funeral. And I feel like that is life, where there's things that you have to grieve and mourn with the juxtaposition of things that you have to grieve and mourn with the juxtaposition of things that you have to celebrate. And I just decided a long time ago that it's okay to live in both. I think before I would always like crave

only the celebration moments and only the showers and only the weddings and only the promotion moments. But life is not meant to just only be, go from one celebration to another. We also have grieving seasons or seasons of loss or seasons of disappointment or difficulty. And instead of just waiting for those to pass to live life, I feel like it's so important that we live life while also dealing with the weightiness of life. Yeah. And so the way that I walk that out practically is showing up for both and fully being invested in both. And so one minute I'm ordering flowers

to make sure the table settings are great for the shower that I'm hosting on Monday. But then also this morning I was packing to get ready to fly out to attend a funeral. And when I'm at the funeral, I'm gonna be fully focused on the family and living on the family and being all in. And then I'm gonna get on a plane

and then go home and love all my kids and then get ready to host this life moment, another type of life moment for a friend. But I think I used to get so discouraged and disappointed when battles came because I was just seeking lift to live a life that was battle free. And lately, I would say the last three years,

I've just leaned into the fact that life is filled with battles and weightiness and heavy things that we have to navigate. But the amazing thing is that we don't have to navigate it alone. That so many people are fighting battles. And when we isolate ourselves during battles or we try to cover up our life to make it seem like we don't ever face a battle, that someone is watching us walk through our battle

or storm and us continuing to fight and show up is giving them permission to continue to fight and show up, but not to do it by ourselves, to be involved in our churches, to stay in the word, to continue to worship, to stay in community. Those are the things that help us stay battle ready and not get taken out when the battles come. But it feels like the heat has just been turned up. It's just, it's no joke out there. It's hard out on the, here. But at the same time, I just have decided to lean into both. And so one minute I'm like fighting a battle,

very lots of battles actually present day, but I'm also deciding that the joy of the Lord is my strength. And it sounds corny and cliche to say, think about the things that I'm grateful for, but there's so much to be grateful for. And I feel like when you stop and just take a moment to think about the good things,

it helps you and it puts a little shadow over the heavy things. Does that make sense? Like you need both hands. But being grateful and thankful, it helps you to not feel entitled. And it also gives you the right lenses when you walk into those heavy moments and heavy seasons.

But you don't have to choose one or the other. You don't have to stay in the celebration stage because it's not, I feel like we try to cultivate our lives to stay happy and joyful all the time and put all this insulation and protection around, like, I don't want to mess up my happiness bubble. But it's like both. We have the joy and then we also have the pain, but live, choosing to live in both and trusting God for the grace to live in both helps you stay peaceful

instead of glamorizing other because you can be in a grief season and just glamorize that. And then your identity becomes your grief. And then you forget that there's beauty on the other side of your pain and you just stay locked in this grief cycle. So really it's both hands. Wow, that is so beautifully said and so biblical too. I was reading that this morning, weep with those who weep, rejoice with those who rejoice.

And the Lord literally tells us we can do both. And it talks about comforting people because we've been comforted by the God of all comfort. Like you have the capacity to be able to comfort others. You have the capacity to be able to rejoice with others and weep with others and same in your own heart, to rejoice in your own heart and weep in your own heart. And both can be true and gosh, finding that too.

And your encouragement is so for me too in this. But I think that it comes to, like you said that word grace, like receiving the grace of the Lord to do both. Because you can't do both in your own strength, that's what you're like. But you can because you receive grace from the Lord to do it. And you receive the comfort from the Lord.

And you receive the joy of the Lord and the strength of the Lord. And I used to be the person that was like, like my quiet time would have been more at night, not in the morning. And I've been like, I'm just not a morning person. And I feel like there is freedom and wherever you find time to have quiet time with the Lord

is a great time. And it's also 24 seven and there are different seasons. But lately, like if I don't wake up in the morning and truly like receive the grace of the and truly receive the grace of the Lord, receive the strength of the Lord, receive the joy of the Lord, then I notice it throughout my whole day. I am just being so reactive, it's hard,

things feel heavy. Overwhelmed. Overwhelmed, anxious. But lately I have been literally getting with the Lord in the morning and just asking, refill me with your Spirit. And I read in my devotional recently, and it was such a good word. I was talking about asking God to fill you with the Spirit day after day after day. And it said, why would you need to be refilled day after day? Don't we already have a Spirit? And the guy said,

because we're human, we leak. And so we need a refilling of the Spirit. And I feel that. I'm like, man, I feel like I'm just like, you know, human, so you're leaky. I'm like, I need your spirit, Lord. But when I wake up in the morning and I'm able to just like ask God to fill me with all of those things that make, you know, even just the fruit of who He is.

If He fills me with Himself, then I'm going to receive love, joy, peace, patience, kindness. It's like just having that anchoring in the morning has been so huge for me. And I know I've even said on this podcast, it doesn't have to be the morning. And it doesn't have to be. But man, it makes a difference.

It really there is something to it. And it gives you the capacity to go through life with all that life has and be ready for battle. So, man, you have so much good advice. Like I feel like people are listening or like keep asking questions. But I know we're at the end of time. And so if you guys want more from Onika, I have good news for you. There's an entire book. It is literally like going to coffee with Onika, getting all of her advice. I actually have heard her say that this was like everything she said to girls and sisters. She like put in a

book so it could live on. And so go buy this book, Born Royal. They also lead a church, Shoreline, in Dallas, Texas. Onika, can you tell us a little bit about your church? So for those listening, we have a lot of Dallas listeners. Maybe people can find their way to you guys' church. So fun. Yes, it's called Shoreline City. It's a fun church.

It's so full of life. We celebrate Jesus. We celebrate people. And there's all ages, all backgrounds. It's just, it's very loving. Like if you want to come and feel loved and you want to feel God's presence and you want to feel seen and step into leadership, step into the plan that God has for your life, come see us.

And even if you don't want to do that, come see us because someone's going to grab you by the hand and say, sit with me. And it's just, we love it. It's 12 years old, so we're like a preteen. It's so awesome. It's so beautiful. And your new building is so beautiful.

You guys definitely go check it out by the book. I'm just thankful for you. I'm thankful to know you think would be in your corner. And thank you so much for coming on this podcast. Love you. Had the best time!