WHOA That's Good Podcast - My Postpartum Journey

Episode Date: July 14, 2021

Today I’m sharing my postpartum struggles with body image, physical pain, "what ifs," anxiety, the battle between fear and joy, and so many other emotions that have flooded over me in the past several weeks. I want to share my story, but I also hope it’s inspiring to you in your own journey no matter if it’s postpartum or something else you’re walking through. And remember, the same God that was with us in the hospital room during Honey’s miraculous birth is the same God who is sitting with you right now. - Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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up to $200 off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners at helixleap.com slash saty. What's up friends welcome back to the Well that's good pie cast. I have to tell y'all I am actually kind of nervous for this podcast because I'm really just interviewing myself it which is so weird I guess I'm not interviewing myself I I'm just talking. But I'm so used to interviewing someone else and the pressure is not on me, but this is all on me. And so I was kind of nervous last night thinking about this. And I was like, Christian, go over with me, what I want to say, what points I want to get across, you know, because today I'm going to be talking about my postpartum journey. And I really want this to be

not only, you know, just me sharing my story, but I hope it's actually inspiring to you in your own journey, no matter if it's post-partum or just something else hard that you're walking through. Some of my advice that I'll put out from my own experience could hopefully help you with whatever you're walking through, whether it's post-partum or whatever journey you're on in life that might just be a little difficult. I've seen so many of you guys tagging me out into your I'm saying that you can't wait for the

postpartum podcast because you're currently going through that or you had a hard postpartum journey and so I hope that my story gives justice to what you know we go through as women because everyone's different though. And that's what you really have to understand that just because my might look a certain way doesn't mean yours is going to look that way. Or maybe our seems so similar but there's some differences and that's okay. But I think that the advice that maybe I can give throughout the whole thing could help you no matter where you're at. And that's my prayer today that no matter where you are, no matter what journey you're on, no matter what it

looks like that God will meet you in the middle of it. So without further ado, let's get to the story. So like I said back in the last week's podcast, whenever we told honey's birth story, something kind of went wrong during her birth, during the labor, whenever she was about to come out. Her head got stuck, when not her head. Her shoulder got stuck, right after her head came out, and then her knee also got stuck. And so lots of crazy things happened, and I kind of low-key mentioned that I had to get stitched for hours. So you probably could tell this was about to be a rough postpartum journey, because it didn't all go quite as planned and there was some

trouble that happened, you know. And so when I was at the hospital, I didn't even know how bad it was. I didn't know how bad it was going to be because I was on pain medicine. I had amazing nurses who were taking care of me who were awesome. And so I didn't even know that like I was even really hurt. I didn't even really know that, you know, I was about to enter this really big healing process to come.

And so I remember at first, I was honestly on Cloud 9. Like I just had my baby girl. We saw so many miracles. It was amazing. I'm thinking like this actually went great. And I don't know how I'm not that sore, but I'm really not even that sore.

Mind you, didn't really realize that I had so much medication. So much so that I called and scheduled honey's like pediatrician appointment for like two days later. And then I had to call back the next day and say, I clearly was medicated when I did that because I am in so much pain,

I cannot even move right now So I was kind of had a false confidence in the hospital thinking I'm fine thinking everything's great came Believe this is another miracle. That I'm not even hurting Well, you know God is good, but that that one did not happen. I was definitely hurting But I remember so many cool things right in that moment. So first off Whenever you have your baby If you don't know this you don't lose all your weight right then right there, okay? And so but I do remember as soon as I had her and everything comes out and the water fluid goes down not as swollen anymore

I y'all I'm gonna even get it. I felt so skinny. I thought I looked so good. I thought I looked great. I actually took it selfie in the mirror because I was like, look at my body. What? I have to document this. I look back at that now and I literally look seven months pregnant in the picture. But in my mind, I was killing it.

I was like, I look great. And so it's so funny. I had this like super fast but like awesome confidence in the moment. And I remember I told Christian, I was like, look at how good I look. It was like all this in the hospital, everything was good. And then I remember we got in the car to go home

and I was just talking about how happy I was and how being a mom has just given me such a new perspective on life, and I mean, I was like cloud nine. But two of the things that I said to Christian in the car that I still hold to, that being a mom has changed my perspective in, but I don't think you have to wait to become a mom for your perspective to change on this. I think if I would have gotten this in life at any point in my life,

my life would have been benefited and blessed because of it. But one thing that I realized is I realized that I actually can be so confident in my body not because of the way that it looks, but because of what it's capable of doing. I didn't care what my body looked like that day, even though I thought it looked awesome, even though I still like 7 months pregnant. I didn't care about that. I cared about the fact that my body was just able to grow a baby. A baby that literally went from a little poppy seed size to a 9.5

ounce bundle of joy that I love in the door. I was so proud of my body for how powerful it was. It birthed that and it's recovering and I just was amazed. And so I felt so confident in my skin and I still do like even today like I'm wearing a tank top which actually is a big deal where I can't wait for me because I had these little bumps on my arms I always have cells little and I've kind of been insecure about them but now I'm like who cares like my body's awesome like not because of what it looks like but because of what it's capable of doing and so that's something I am really glad um you know going through pregnancy and having a baby

really taught me. Another thing that I told Christian that my perspective was new and is that I was actually confident in the decisions that was making for one. So I didn't self-doubt. I didn't wonder what other people thought or what other people would have done differently. I was just like, I'm confident in what I'm gonna do because I'm her mom. And I think there's been times in my life where I've made decisions. And then I have second guests in based off

what other people have done or what other people will think or what if they don't think I'm smart, what if they don't think I'm wise, what if they don't think I'm doing the right thing. Should have done that because everybody else is doing it. All of those things.

But with honey, it was like making these decisions, whether it was, you know, to breastfeed or to bottle feed, to, you know, do vaccines to not all these decisions that are a million different decisions when you become on. You have to decide. I was confident in the ones that I was making because I'm her mom and I love her the most and I'm going to do the best thing I know for her life. Which in turn may be confident in decisions I was making for myself and confident in the decisions I was making for Christian and I as a couple, you know, even the what it came

down to getting the epidural or not, the epidural. I used to not want to because I wanted to be that strong person that did it because I wanted to experience the natural labor and I wanted to do all that. But in the moment when my doctor saying it's going to be safest for y'all, if you choose to do this, I did it. And it was safest because had I not done the epidural and we went through the trauma and we went through it would up in a lot harder. And so, you know, just little decisions like that, I just became confident that I do hear the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit leads me and I need to be confident in hearing the voice of God more than

I need to be confident in hearing the opinion of man. And so that was something that really, really changed my life in becoming a mom. And like I said, I didn't need to become a mom to become confident in that. Thankfully God opened my eyes to those things when I did become a mom. But wherever you're at in life, you can truly become confident in your body not because of what you look like, but because of what it's capable of doing. And right now you can actually become confident in the decisions you're making in life because

you're listening to the Lord because you're praying because you because you're doing it out of love because you're doing it out of peace because you're doing it out of wisdom and not because you're doing it out of wanting to do what everybody else does or not wanting to be judged or not wanting people to think you're stupid. And so I encourage you in those things. Now let's get to the more hard part of the postpartum when I actually got to the house, okay? This is all in the car. I'm realizing all these epiphanies.

I get home and the medicine wear is off, right? And I got behind them on the pain medicine. I didn't take heavy pain medication. I just took like a very high dose of ibuprofit. But it was just crazy. I wasn't more pain than I'd ever been in honestly in my whole life for real. I remember getting home and all of a sudden being like, ooh, something, something don't feel right. And I remember just going through a little moment,

actually having to go use the restroom and for those moms who have done that, it's just really hard. And so I just laid on the couch and I just started crying so hard. My in-laws are there, my moms there, Christians there, and I could not sub-crime. And Christian comes in, he's going with me,

he's like, are you okay? I'm like, I have just never been in this much pain in my life. And I don't know what to do with it. I like, I don't know how to help myself. I don't know how to sit in it. I just, I just, all I can do is just cry. And so I just cried. And then I stopped crying. And I was still in pain, but it was okay. I was like, okay, we're just gonna make it through. It's just how it's gonna be for a little while. And honestly, it was like that for a little while. You know, I posted a picture going out

because I brought my nurses gifts a week later and people were ragging me. You shouldn't be out. You shouldn't be doing that. You must not have had a hard labor. You must not have torn. You must not have done it out because you're out. I can't believe you. Well, dress like that, right? If you had a hard labor, you must not have a tour, and you must not have a dot-a-dot because you're out. I can't believe you. Well dress like that right after you

had a baby and kind of like judging me for the situation I was making. Honestly, I was in a ton of pain that day. I definitely was her day. I definitely had a very hard labor, but it was really important to me to give my nurses gifts because of how well they took care of me and I had to go to the doctor anyways. And so I wanted to just give them gifts. And I dress up because it made me feel better because for a week I've been laying on the couch and crying and hurting and trying to adjust to being a mom

when I can't really walk and all the things. And so that honestly was really good for my soul. And so I would encourage people, when you are in a hard time Sometimes you just have to Not don't push yourself too hard don't go go go go But if you can do something that makes you feel better for a little bit of time like washing your hair or putting on makeup or Going and doing something kind for someone then do it. I mean that honestly really really really helped me. It kind of lifted my spirit.

But I had to say, so like I said, I was in pain. I cried. All that stuff, cried from pain. I never cried from pain. So that was really weird. And that took a little bit of time. And honestly, more time than I would have liked. I think it was like two weeks before I kind of got, well, not even. I would say really more like a month before I stopped being in like really, really bad pain. And I have to say years ago, I was preaching at passion and it was a message that I went viral. A lot of you responded to it.

And I said a quote, I said, time doesn't heal Jesus heals. And I wanna say it, that is true. That, and that is especially true in the context of I was talking about at past, and I want to talk about relationships. Like time isn't going to heal something like Jesus can heal something.

Jesus actually can heal your heart, time doesn't do that. However, whenever you're going through pain, sometimes time really is the only thing that can help heal your body. Time really is the only thing that can help heal your body. Time really is the only thing you have to give yourself time because time is the thing that's actually going to help and it's going to help you heal, but Jesus can be your healing in the middle of the pain.

What I mean by that is even in the pain, Jesus can be your strength, even in the pain, Jesus can be your joy, even in the pain, Jesus can be your strength. Even in the pain, Jesus can be your joy. Even in the pain, Jesus can be your peace, your stability, your consistency, your love. So yes, you're still in pain. Maybe you're not physically healed, but Jesus is your healing for your heart in the midst of the pain and time is going to help

actually heal your body. And so when you're sitting in the midst of the pain and time is going to help actually heal your body. And so when you're sitting in the middle of that and you know, like I am in pain, I have a long way to go to recover and I don't wanna sit here and be miserable for the next few weeks even though I know I'm gonna be in pain. That's when you invite Jesus in and say, Lord, I am at so much pain,

I don't even know what to do in my body. I have never experienced the emotions I'm experiencing right now, they are so high and they are so low. I am so excited pain. I don't even know what to do in my body. I have never experienced the emotions I'm experiencing right now. They are so high and they are so low. I am so excited to be a mom and I am in the worst pain of everyone in my life. God, I need you to be my strength. I need you to be my joy. I need you to be my consistency. And it's in that moment that, yes, time is required for healing, but Jesus can meet you in that and do extraordinary, extraordinary things. So I encourage you with that. Also in postpartum was really dealing with fear, and I know a lot of people express that they dealt with postpartum anxiety or postpartum depression, and postpartum anxiety was more what I was dealing with. So what it kind of looked like for me, and honestly I had have struggled with

anxiety for years and even wrote a book called Live Fearless because of my journey of with anxiety. I have a tattoo that says, Fearless, I'm constantly trying to fight fear in my life. But whenever I had hurt and I was going to that postpartum, it was like so many emotions happening that I couldn't really fight the fear like I normally do. And so all of this that I was just like in a state of anxiety, I didn't even realize that it was creeping up as much as it was. So because honey and I had the labor that we experienced, my mind kept going into like the what if this would have happened? Like what if what if it did last one more minute and she didn't make it? What if

what if her you know what if she didn't you know actually end up coming out like kicking your throat they'd push it back in and neither one of us made it. What if I lost too much blood? What if when they did you push them with something they actually severely damaged something internally I don't even know I'm bleeding you know what? What if honey, you know, actually the oxygen did get cut off for two long and she has brain damage? Like all these like what is? And then it led me into like, is she really okay? Like did she really make it through that? Did I really make it through that? Is there something wrong with me? Is there something wrong with her? What if, you know, all the things? and that is such a toxic brain spiral to go

through that it has to like it will manifest itself in some way. And for me that was extreme anxiety. And so I didn't even realize that those thoughts throughout the day were making me like jittery were making me have all the feelings of anxiety. I'm making my chest feel super tight and like I couldn't breathe. But I didn't tell anybody, I was going through that. And the reason, not even to a Christian at my mom, it took anybody. And the reason I didn't is because I was so happy

that I was her mom, I was so joyful, I was so blown away by the miracles. And I like, didn't understand how I could be so happy and so joyful, but also experienced so much fear. And I realized that you don't have to have, you don't have to just choose one of those feelings. You don't have to just choose fear and trade out all the joy. You don't have to just choose joy and trade out all the fear. They actually kind of go hand in hand. The reason why I was so fearful is because I loved her so much

You know the reason that I you know Even cared if something happened is because I loved her so much and I was so happy to get to be her mom However just because it makes Frasional sense that I had some fear doesn't mean that that's something I needed to live with or I need to soak on. I remember one night, I was, um, not, I didn't want anybody to know that I was anxious or that I was thinking this is before I told anybody. And, um, I kind of felt like I was about to cry. So, I went in the closet because my in-laws were still there. My mom was there, honey, Christian were all out there.

We were watching a movie and I just told them I had to go to the bathroom when I went and I just started crying in my closet and Christian came in and he was like, what are you doing? I was like, and I just said, I'm so scared. I just said I'm so scared. And he said, why? And I said, I'm just so scared.

Like, I'm so scared, so I'm just going to happen to her. And I'm sorry, I'm emotional, but it's like so, it was so real. I was like, I'm so scared, so I'm just going to happen to her. I'm so scared, she's not really okay. So scared. What if, what if whenever she got stuck, you know, the oxygen actually cut off too long? I'm scared that something happened to me,

and I'm not going to get to be the mom that I want to be to her and all of these things. And that fear, you know, was really stealing from the sweetness of the moment at that time that, you know, those first two weeks of the miracle that I had. And it really made me think about miracles in a different way because, like I said in the last podcast To experience a miracle it comes out of a moment of desperation. It comes out of a strong need You know, there were times in the Bible where it wasn't that big of a need that they needed a miracle You know, they needed wine at a wedding. Okay easy. Get the wine, you know

Then you needed food so easy get the food But then there were other times where it was like, I need my mom to be healed. I need my daughter to live and Jesus would heal them. And then there was that time that the woman bleeds for literally 12 years, right? And she comes to Jesus in the crowd and she doesn't even wanna be seen by Jesus and she reaches out and she touches Jesus garment,

hoping for a miracle, desperate for a miracle. She shouldn't even have been in the crowd that day because she was a disease woman. She was looked at as a disease and outcast, but she pushed her way in the crowd that day, hoping for a miracle. She touched his garment and this woman who blooded for 12 years, it says that instantly she was healed. Well, I started to think about that, and I had to start to think about how we always read that story in the Bible. And it's such a quick story. It's just like our podcast last week. It's just a quick story. Wow, it's a miracle. That's amazing. She experienced a miracle. It's so cool. But like, we didn't read her 12-year journal. Like, we don't know actually like,

what pain she went through when she felt that like an outcast and like she had this disease and the physical pain of her body that was reminding her of the emotional pain that she was going through and then we don't know after Jesus healed her which he said go in peace so he led her in peace but we don't know if you know there were moments and days where she thought back to the 12 years of isolation where that really weighed on her right? But she had to choose every day to actually respond to the miracle that Jesus did in her life. She had to choose to say actually I am no longer who I used to be in outcast a disease woman. I am a daughter as Jesus said and I can live in peace and so I

came to this moment with my story where I was like, I can live in fear, yeah, and I can sit here and say, what if, and what could have, and what should have happened, but, or I could live like a miracle happened and say, it actually didn't happen. And I don't know why, and I can't explain why. I'm okay and why she's okay, but we are. And I just need to have gratitude and thank God.

And that gratitude that I had in my heart, the gratitude whenever I was afraid to say, thank you God for her. Thank you that you did heal her. It just began to shift the fear in my life. And I also decided, because I knew the state I was in that I was going to call someone who's helped me a lot in my life, his name is Dr. Aiman.

He used to work with me with anxiety and I knew he could help me with postpartum anxiety and so I called him and He gave me just the best advice. Some of the things I actually just shared with you to stop with the what ifs To stop with the what could have and what should have happened and I actually just say that didn't happen and to exchange That fear or even not even exchange it but just override that fear with gratitude because as an mom or in life you're going to have things that make you afraid like there are going to be things that make you have a fearful thought or start to feel anxious but it's important that you don't just let that thought just run rampant but that you actually

exchange that with a different thought of gratitude. So he helped me through all that and actually he's going to be on the podcast next week because I wanted his advice to get to be sharing with all of you because that was such a pivotal moment in my story. That was so pivotal and also just letting people in, sharing that with Christian that night. And what was crazy is I didn't even know he was experiencing fear and he opened up to me and he said actually me too. He was like, it's been hard for me. Like watching me be in pain has been hard. He said when you, you know, were in labor, it was so hard seeing that moment was so scary and hearing the monitors drop

and all the different things and you were losing blood. She was not doing well and he said I was so scared. And so getting to hear from Christian, we both needed to open up about it. And we just didn't want to because we didn't want to seem like we were ungrateful, but actually it wasn't that at all. It actually wasn't that at all. It was that we were so grateful, but we didn't know what to do with these huge emotions. And so one thing I would encourage you to do is no matter what you're experiencing, like talk it out with somebody, walk it out. Those thoughts are not meant to just live with you

and you alone, because when you walk it out and when you talk it out, you can actually get as Dr. Aement told me through the pain, not just sitting in the pain, you got to get through it. your A-mental me through the pain, not just sitting in the pain, you gotta get through it. Another thing that really helped me is journaling. Actually, I'm not a good journaler, honestly, I've never really been. I'll start a journal, never come back to it,

I'll look back and I'm like, oh, last century, 2018, great. So, lots happened since 2018, you know, I'm just so bad, I've missed so many days. But, I was like, I need a place where I can just share all my emotions because, you know, when somebody asks you about something, are you sharing on Instagram or even a podcast, whatever it is, like you don't really go in like the full depth, right? I mean, they're like, you tell it, but like you don't tell it, right? Even when you're talking to somebody, you tell it, but like you don't tell it, like you don't tell it right even when you're talking to somebody you tell it like you don't tell it like you don't say like and then I thought dot dot dot

and then I dot dot dot you know like those things that are really only meant to be for like you and your spouse or your best friend or your mom or somebody who really knows you and can walk through with it but journaling help me I actually started the journal like this and said, God, this is going to be a journal between me and you. It's all going to be a prayer, but it's not going to be a formatted like a prayer. I'm not going to say dear God, because even in that, sometimes I cheat the system, even when I talk to God, sometimes I, you know, talk to me with rose colored glasses, because I'm the 10% always wanted to all just be okay. I want it to seem okay. Now, I don't want to fake it. I just want it to be good, right? So even with

God, I'm like, yeah, this time I'm but I'm so happy because you did this instead of just being like, God, like this happened and it really hurt and I know you're good, but right now it just doesn't seem like it, you know, like I just need to be real. And so the journal I was like, God, this is going to be like all my all my thoughts like everything and I invite you into all of it Invade my thoughts these are the thoughts that I don't want to have that I surrender to you God Give me new thoughts, right? And so it was just such a good place to just get it all out and Just honestly feel a Holy Spirit meet me and that because as I wrote I could see what God was doing

I could see his hand and I could feel him becoming, you know, a part of this story. He was always a partist where I knew he was in the story. Obviously, you can't not hear our birth story and not see God in it, but I just needed a reminder that the same God who was in the labor and delivery room is the same God who is sitting with me two weeks later As I'm in pain and I'm afraid and I'm entering into the newest season in the craziest journey that I'm about to enter on He's the same God here with me the same God who protected honey that day in the hospital It was the same God protecting honey. Why she sleeps at night? The same God who protected me and the hospital is the same God

Protecting and living inside of me tonight. And so, you know, I think it was such a good thing to remind myself that he didn't leave when we left the hospital. He's still there. Yeah, the hospital might have seen easier because we had nurses and because he was showing himself in such specific ways, but he's still here when he's showing himself to be my peace, you know, to be my strength, to be the thing that helps me know that I can be a good mom to honey and a good wife to Christian. And, you know, I just can't imagine, I can't imagine living a day without knowing that he is there. And honestly, if I could give you any advice throughout all this, and I hope a lot of this has helped you and encouraged you with where you're at and spoken to you in the place, I can give you any advice. It's just to know that he

is near. Let it be as real as the bedrock beneath you. Because the hardest thing I think in life is to feel alone, even when there's people around you, right? Because even though there are the people who love me the most around me, I felt alone because I felt like nobody could understand what I'm walking through what I'm feeling, what I'm dealing with, even though they could have explained it. Maybe I just didn't feel that way, but what I'm walking through, what I'm feeling, what I'm dealing with, even though they could have explained it. Maybe I just didn't feel that way, but what I do know is that God that's living inside of me, 100% gets it, and he's with me in it,

and not only is he just sitting there with me, but he's helping me through it. And so I encourage you to cling to the Father in those times. That's really all I got. That's my story. That's what I've walked through for the past two months. And I will say, sitting here today, I'm about two months into being a mom.

It is the greatest honor of my life. It is the greatest joy. It has not been easy, but anyways, it's hard, right? But what would be even comparable to the greatest thing ever? The greatest responsibility and not be hard, right? It's supposed to be. So it's been the most beautiful journey. I love being a honeymoon dream mom.

I loved doing it with Christiana. We are a team and an all. And I wouldn't trade it for the world. And I can't wait to see the time to come. Thankful for what we've already been been but very excited for where we're going and what we've learned along the journey. you